Session 107: Marcello Hernández

(upbeat music) - Da-dom! Hey, Pussies! Welcome back to Therapus. I filmed an intro for this yesterday during the Blizzard, but I was told I had a bugger in my nose, so I had to refill it. I don't know why I told you guys that, but there you go. We just had a huge Blizzard in New York, so that's why I'm filming this on my phone because we couldn't get the equipment in time. But I hope you guys enjoyed last week's episode on Netflix. I am currently on Broadway for All Out with Jenny Slate, Nicholas Braun, Ray Romano. If you've already come and seen it, thank you so much for coming. I hope you loved it. If you haven't, tickets are available in my bio. I am on the show until March 8th. We are closing it out. It is written by the incredible Simon Rich. I'm directed by Alex Timbers, who I adore. Just like, it's been one of the greatest experiences of my life. I have a show tonight. I'm so excited. But for tonight's episode, we have the incredible Marcelo Hernandez, who I am very grateful and honored to call a close friend. I have known him for years. He is one of the best people I've ever met. He is hysterical. I've had the pleasure of seeing him live, which was just-- he really could get up on that stage and deliver stand-up for 10 hours straight, like a marathon, without taking a beat. He is someone that I truly believe is made for this. He is so talented. So if you haven't seen his stand-up special American boy, which is on Netflix, please go see it. It is incredible. He is incredible. Marcelo, I love you. As far as life updates with me, my psychiatrist is trying to get me to go on well butrin. Brett, who's on it, says it's amazing. And then I have other people telling me, it might make my anxiety worse. So I'm kind of just going back and forth on whether I should do that or not. I guess I think that's all the updates I have for you guys. Enjoy the episode. I'm sorry for the short, low quality intro. It is because of the blizzard, which was amazing, but also now there is slash everywhere. And it is impossible to get anywhere. But enjoy the episode. I love you, Pussies. [MUSIC PLAYING] You know, you're my first recording of this new-- is that new season, new everything? I was going to say it looks a little bit different, but I like it. I like how it looks. I can see the show. Have you seen the show before? Of course. What you figured out has said. [SIGHS] I don't know. I like to see you excited. You get very excited for almost everyone. But I don't know. I think the Renee Rappel was really fun. Oh. Oh, you do actually watch. Yeah, of course. OK. Well, I'm so excited. I'm excited. You're here. Well, everybody, welcome Marcelo Hernandez. Yes. His new Netflix special, American Boy is out now. Yes. It's amazing. Thank you. How was it? I was filming it. How was everything? I'm sorry. I'm so rusty. I haven't done this in like four months. It's OK. You've been traveling. Traveling. Taking little thirst traps? Yes. I see you. Yes. Did you like my thirst trap? I think you're doing great, man. Thank you. You're looking for love, I imagine. Yes. I have a date tonight. Wow. Well, he actually texted me at 6 a.m. trying to cancel. So I said, what? He said, I woke up. I feel sick. I was like, all right. So all good. We can raincheck. He's like, no, no, no. Let's keep it. So I said, OK. So are we stalling for the same plan? What time is it now? It's 3.30. He hasn't responded. Do you get-- do you not get germaphobia when they tell you they're feeling sick? No, I'm pretty desperate. You're down. You're down. I'm like whatever. Wow. And I think 6 a.m. cancel is pretty respectable. So respectable. But he said, he said, I woke up. I don't feel good. But I can't tell if I'm just tired. So I said, OK. Well, we can raincheck if you want. He said, no, no, no. I just worked out. I feel fine. So let's keep it. So I'm like, OK, great. Sushi, Fumia, date 30. Right. And he never responded. He woke up in the first thing that came to his mind. With me. Right. Speaking of relationships, are you-- you're not married? Well, no. I was not married. It was a promo. But-- That was promo. That was promo. For your Netflix special. Of course. Oh. You can tell-- by now, they will have seen the second part. Well, I thought you were married. I know. I thought that's what you did over break, because you told me you were going to-- didn't you weren't you at your girlfriend's house? Yeah, I went to see her in the Dominican Republic. Yeah, how was that? It was awesome. I love her. I love the Dominican Republic. She's so happy you've met her before? Really? You have? We spent literally an entire night together. Is that true? Oh, yes, of course. Of course, of course. I remember, yeah, sorry, sorry. We were in your Sprinter van. Yes, of course. We were smoking cigarettes. Yeah, we had a blast. Yes, I remember. Like, we spent at least four hours together. We spent a long time together. I know-- yeah, OK. How'd you guys meet? We met at a charity event in New York. And a friend of hers wanted me to make a video for her dad, because her dad is a fan. And then she was like the friend-- the uncomfortable friend that comes with the friend to do the asking for a video thing. And then I just saw her and I got her Instagram. And a year later, we finally went out. Love comes around. It does. It really comes around. It's for you. It's for you. I know. That's just what-- I have three days. Well, you have three days. So you're going to figure it out. If it's for you, you will have-- what do they say? You turned over every rock? Yeah, every rock is turned. Every rock is turned. Well, I have a date tonight. I have a date Friday and I have a date Saturday. You can't talk like that. What? You just can't say it that way. What do you want me to say? Just you have to at least pretend to be selective. And you know what I mean? At least be like, oh, yeah, I never say stuff like I never go on dates. So they feel special. Because if, for example, if I'm a guy that asks you on a date-- OK. Yeah. And I'm watching your podcast. And I see you go, I have a date tomorrow. I have a date on Friday. I'm canceling. Actually, I might wake up sick. OK, so pretend to be selective. Yes. At least hide it. You know what I mean? You want them to feel special. And when you tell them that you have a date every other day, they go, OK, well, there's confidence. They should be like, if I'm the best one, I should be the best one. But like, what are you going on? I don't-- listen, I'm trying to date you. I don't want you to go on three dates in one week. Right, of course. So how did your relationship happen with your current girlfriend? You went on one day, and then you were like, OK, you said it. No, we went on like 20 million dates. OK, so I have a question. How do you like-- How do you like-- listen? Right. So like, do you know what I mean? Oh, of course I know what you mean. Like, do you know what I mean? I have a whole thing about it in this-- No, of course. Of course. Your mom didn't believe you at ADHD. It's fear. You listen out of fear. But I'm not fearful. But you have to be. Because I think you have to be scared to make them feel bad, and to make them feel like you don't care. What's your birthday? August. Leo? Yeah. What are you? Guess. Uh, uh, uh, asparagus. Oh, boy. I don't know, dude. An octopus. A year of February, October. October, yeah. Yeah, of course. How old do you think I am? Well, how old do you think I am? How old now? Yes. Wasn't that the original-- No, I thought you were asking me what sign you were. Oh. Well, you guessed it. October, cancer. Well, that would be June. Virgo. Scorpio. Scorpio. Yeah. Scorpio. That means that you have a thing. That means that you go-- you think everything's good, and then they-- Yes. Is that true? Are you a cholesterol gerusic girlfriend? No, I just know what a scorpion is. Oh, OK. My rising is Gemini, and my moon is Gemini. OK. So that means I don't come off as a scorpio at all. OK. Except when you tell people that you have four dates. Well, that's a very-- That's a very scorpio. But I think my main issue with dating is that my love language is talking shit and gossiping. I can't gossip with someone I barely know. I hear you. Do you know what I mean? I can't sit there and talk shit about someone. I don't know you. Right. You know? That's tough for you. It's tough. Remember the first time we met? No. I do. Where? It was at the SNL after after. I remember now. Yes. Of course. I told you I was a big fan of yours, and I wanted to see you. Yes. Yes. And then I went to your show. Did you like it? Of course. I texted you. Yeah, but what like-- what do you really think? Jake, you're doing something that no one has done. This is a new thing. It's like the podcaster that has to go and try to do live shows. And you have to figure it out as you go. So I recognize that. So I'm not like, what? I've been doing stand-up for 10 years. OK. So stand-up. You can't watch me and be like, oh, no. And there's been a million stand-ups before me. Right. Like, there's not a million Jake Shane's that you were able to look at for inspiration. Right. You had to figure it out, and you've done a great job. And your audience likes it. They're having a blast. Did they seem like they were having fun? Yeah, 100%. And you're reading this stuff. It was really fun. What was your favorite part? I like the text. Yeah. I like the text. Good crowd, please. Because you are also the type of person to go through a text with someone one by one text, but you just did with me. Yeah. Like that's who you are. Right. You go, and then four hours later, I haven't heard back. And then you talk about what that means and all that stuff. Oh, speaking of hearing back. Oh, my God. Who is it? It's my manager. You know how it is. I know. Oh, yes. Well, you said that you told me that you had never worked on something as hard as you have your Netflix special. Yeah. What do you, like, can you expand on that? What do you mean by that? Um, well, I'm doing such a bad job at asking questions. I brought you some gifts. Well, I want to hear about the Netflix special first, but then I do want to see. Can I bring you the gifts? Because I think that you're having trouble listening. You're having a little bit of a time. And I want to give you a gift. I want to, I want to bring the vibe really high. OK. Yeah. I love that. - Okay, presence, I'll be right back. - I'm gonna do so many bags. (laughing) - Okay, so I got you a bunch of stuff. - Did you do this on every podcast you went on? - I do like to show up at the end of it. I always say that. - It's very generous. - So first things first, this is a sleep mask. - Oh my god. - I actually love this. - I love to sleep with a sleep mask. When we go on the road, some of these hotels, they're not like perfectly black out. And I think this is gonna help you with that. I brought you some cozy socks. I think you're gonna like these. - My goodness. - You can put them on when you're getting your calm on. You seem to be the type of person that I think is gets very high stress out. - Yes, of course. - You're a stressed guy. And so this is something you can grab onto. It's squishy. It's a squishy burger. I think that'll help you. And then I got an egg as well. Just in case you get sick of one. - Oh my god, I love cold. - Okay, good now. - Okay, that one's weird. And then you get sick of it. And then you can do this. Is it size? - It's a little thing. - Okay. Okay, I got you a candle. This is like everybody does the same thing. - Oh, that's a local market. - Why are you getting a candle? - I got you a candle. - Marshalls. - And then I got you a book. This is a book called The Honeycrisp Orchid and I don't know. I kind of just grabbed one. But it's um. - So what's it about? - City life was treating her just fine until a sour turn of events knocks her out in one fail swoop. - Well, a car hitter? - I don't know what happened. But you can look at it one day. - Okay. - And then I got you a a weighted blanket. This is all for Marshalls. No, this is expensive. Sorry. - Wait, no. Okay. - And then this is my favorite one. - Okay. - I saved it for last. - I know, I saw you once you go grab it and then you did it. - I did it. I saved it for last because this I think is, this is something I've been wanting to tell you. - Okay. - You know, and it's something that I think you need to think about more often. I think and tell me if I'm wrong. Do you feel like Jake can be sometimes a person that is always thinking like what can go wrong? - We've been talking about this. So I got you this. - I already know what it says. - I got you this and it is, it says this, what if it all works out, Jake? - So did you say, - Jake, what if it all works out? - What if it doesn't? - You need to put this in your room. You need to put this in your room and you need to see it every day. - Okay, honestly, you know what? I will. - Okay, great. Mission accomplished. - Thank you so much. - I got you a bunch of kisses. - Oh, of course. - Thank you. - Listen. - Oh my god, I've never had somebody bring me so many gifts. - That's, that's, that's-- - You must be so good at Christmas time. - I do like to be Christmas guy. - You are. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, my home. - What was your favorite Christmas you've ever had ever? - Oh, I don't know. I definitely like Christmas better now 'cause I have money and I can give stuff to people. - Okay. - For a long time I was just a receiving guy and I liked better to be the one that is making stuff happen. - My love loves the real real. - I love the real real. - She loves the real real and she saves stuff on the real real. And then on Christmas I asked my sister to get in there and tell me what my mom saved and then I buy it and then my mom will like call my sister and be like some bitch bot the boot. (laughing) And then I give her the boots on Christmas and she goes, "Year the bitch." And that's been a fun, that's fun. - Your mom seems awesome. Did she love your stand up special? - She's the best. I think she loves it. I think she's, watch me talk about her so much but I think she loves it. I think she's proud of me and I'm proud of her. - Oh, what was the first time she ever saw you do stand up about her? - I don't know, I've always had her somehow in the set. So probably from the beginning since I was 18. And I try to make her look good as well but I also wanna like get this stuff off my chest. - No, I mean, you did. And you did. You did. What was your favorite bit that you do in your Netflix special? - I like the ending. - Ending's great. - I think stick around for the ending. - The ending's amazing. - The ending, when I came up with that, I was like, I was really proud of myself for the. - How do you come up with all of it and connect it all as one cohesive story? - It takes a lot of just like looking at it. I have transcriptions so I get it all transcribed and then I read it. I try to like look at how we can connect something to something else. My assistant, Maddie, who was a co-producer on the special, she has been so helpful with me and like walking through stuff and like if I can't figure out how to connect something together we sit down and we talk about it, I think you have to find, you have to not be afraid to invite people in a little bit. Ultimately everything is your choice but like invite people in. You're a great at that. When I went to your show, he had a full, it looked like a bachelor at party. He has all these girls in the back and they're all talking about what he's gonna do and what you're gonna do and what you're gonna say. And I think it's really, it's good. - Oh yeah, you said it was like a family reunion. - Yes, you have literally a family reunion at your shows. Is that every show? - No, Radio City was a lot. - That's a lot. - Did you come out after with me? - No, no, no, no. - No, I blacked out. - Yeah, yeah, I could feel you, I could feel that this was like a thing for you. - Oh, I was ready to get messy. - It was, yeah, you were ready to get messy. - And then we went to Atlantic City the next night. - Oh my God. - I know, well I had four shows in a row. I did DC, New York, Atlantic City, went out after Atlantic City and then we've had to fly in a sea plane to Boston. - Wow. - Yeah. - You're living it up, man. - No, a sea plane? - What? - What's wrong with that? It's a few, it's exclusive. It's only a few people, yes. - It was, it flies so low to the ground that you don't need to put on airplane mode. Like if that's-- - Okay, that's funny. - Like I, I had, we were supposed to drive there, but we messed our car. - Right, and that's crazy to miss a car. 'Cause a car isn't like a plane where it's like, last call, it's a car. - Well, no, no, no, what happened was, I was supposed to wake up at seven and I woke up at 11. - That's why, to miss a car, you really gotta miss that car. - Yeah, I missed it. And then the only way to get to Boston in time for the Mean Greed and the show was by sea plane. Well, actually, Zach, my manager said, I caught you a plane. (laughing) - That's sweet. - And I said, okay, cool. - Let me ask you this, because obviously, we're all very proud of you. You've been killing it. - No, I'm proud of you. - You have a new set, you're moving on up. - Uh-huh. - That's great. Where were you before? Like, before we all got to know you, like, right, before you were starting to make these videos of like, do, you know. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, the POVs. - Yeah, the POVs. What, I'm sorry, I was about to try to say one. - Yeah, no. - Where were you? What were you doing? What was the transition for you between, and I'm sure this is like a-- - No, so I actually never get tired of telling the stories with you so much for Asking. I worked at a record label and my boss at the time became my manager. - Got it. - What were you doing at the record label? - I did international marketing. - Right. - So like if a song was popping off in Germany, like I would like, like look at the data, and like have them put spend behind marketing in Germany for the song. And then I became an assistant to this guy Zach, who's now my manager. - Well, I was really bad. - At the job. - Horrible. - Yeah. - I was personality higher, he says. - That's makes sense. - Yeah. - I think you still are. - Yeah, thanks so much. - This is the ultimate personality. - I think so too. - I'm a personality higher for sure. - You feel that way? - 100%. - And you had a lot of jobs before you started working as a bunch. - A bunch. - What were you said you would sell? - I sold tickets on the street. - Yeah. - I used to sell electricity. I used to go door to door and Brooklyn and stuff and ask people to give me their electric bill. - Would they be like, go get fuck? - 100%. - Yeah. - Every time, 100% of the time. But there was one girl that was like really good at it. And I think she thought I was like cute. And she took me to Gucci and she bought herself a belt. And she asked me if I wanted anything. - Shut up. - I swear and I was like no, I'm okay. - You sat down? - No, of course not. It felt so weird. I also wasn't like into her or anything. - Oh, okay, felt transactional. - Yeah, felt transactional. And but it was like, it was very weird. And then I was also an intern at a comedy club. I used to like run food and clean the floor or whatever after the show. And I also sold medications. I had used to have a headset on the. - Oh! - What did you sell? - The pandemic, I used to sell like a GABA pen, pen and stuff. - I love GABA pen, dammit. I love GABA pen, do you sell bad? - I didn't sell the medication, but I would get it delivered to your house. - Oh, okay. - I could get it delivered to your house at no additional cost to your insurance. - Oh really? - Of course. - So what's the upside? - The upside is that you don't have to go to CVS and it's the pandemic and you're over 65. And I think that this is a time right now when people with everything that's going on, that's what they said, we couldn't mention COVID. You had to say with everything that's going on. - Why are you meant to COVID? - Because it's illegal kind of, it sounds threatening, it's like you're gonna die. - Right, okay. - With everything that's going on, I think that it would be beneficial maybe for you to have these things delivered to your house and we can do it in a temperature controlled case directly to your house at no additional cost to your insurance. And you can give us some instructions if let's say that the mailbox is a few minutes away from your house, we can make sure that this put there at a secure place so that you know and we know but nobody else does. Or if there's a dog or something like that, you're gonna wanna tell us that so that we can make sure that you get your medications and that you don't miss out on something as important as your. - Medicaid should have got the patent. - Yeah, but patent, yeah. - How and was that your favorite job? - No. - Okay. And so when did you start, like, okay, so. - That's when I started making videos when I was doing that. - Okay, 'cause you, I recently just saw these videos, they were like Miami weekend recaps that you would do. And they was like, you would do these like quick, five seconds sound bites of what happened in Miami that weekend is that what led you to SNL? - Kind of, that was like the first step. That's what got me to move out of my house is 'cause I was making these out of my mom's, my dad's house 'cause I moved from my mom's to my dad's there in the pandemic. 'Cause I was scared that my mom and my sister were gonna die and I started to get really scary. I'll like sprayin' 'em down and I was making them get naked when they get back from the supermarket, throwing the clothes in the wash. - Well, you guys were in Miami too, so like. - Nobody cared. - Nobody cared. - And I was coming from New York where there were like people. - Yeah, I was sitting and dying in the streets. I was freaking out. And I was at my dad's house and so I would wake up before the job, I would write. And then after the job, I would go to my friend's house, I would hang out with him, I would tell him the stuff I had written. And then I'd go to my friend's house, at the end of the week, I would film whatever our favorite idea was. And I like, after my fourth or fifth one, this account reached out and asked me to make little videos for them. And they paid you. They paid me. And then after like a few months of doing that, I was like, you need to give me, you know, 500 bucks a week so that I can quit my headset job and do this full time. And then he was like, you need to get more responsibility. So then I became like the creative director of the account. And then I did that until SNL pretty much. How did SNL come about? So when I was doing that stuff in Miami, this guy from this guy Tim Dylan, you know, Tim Dylan. Yes. So he had me, well, I asked him if I could open for him in Miami because I was like thinking I was starting to make waves in Miami. And he said he didn't care if I did or I didn't. So I grabbed my phone that said, wait, wait, what? I said, can I open for you? And he said, I don't care. He actually said, I don't give a fuck. Wait, but was he serious? Yeah, I guess. I think he was just like, you know, he's also comedian to comedian. He's being funny. And so I grabbed the phone. I took it to the club and I was like, he doesn't give a fuck. Can I please do it? And then they were like, sure. Oh, oh, it was like that. Yeah. And then he said yes. And then after the show, he invited me to go on the road with him. So I went on the road with him and he introduced me to CAA. And like after I was on the road with him, I started getting on the road with other comedians as well. Gilbert Godfrey, Mark Vieira. I'd go on the road with them. And then CAA had signed me and then I was, he told me that if I, Tim Dylan told me if I didn't move back to New York, he would fire me basically because he wanted someone that was working everyone in the clubs in New York. So I got like a friend of mine that was moving out there to let me live with him for like a little bit of money because he was doing, he has too much money and I didn't have any money. So he let me like pay him a little bit. What neighborhood? We were in Union Square. Okay. I grew up in New York, South. Nice. Well, before the pandemic, I had moved to New York. I was in Bushwick first. Then I was in the lower East Side in the Sky as a part of this bald guy and he used to drink half a beer and put it back in the fridge. Yeah. Very interesting. And then the pandemic, I had to move back into my parents' house in Miami and then I moved back to New York with my buddy. And then I was doing stand-up every night I was hosting and all this stuff. And just for laughs is this big festival in Canada where a lot of people get discovered and I got the audition for that. And so I auditioned for JFL and then I went to Canada. I got it. And then in Canada, after I did the six minutes, my agent, Erica Lancaster who is from CAA, who used to work at SNL was like, I'm going to introduce you to them. And she introduced me to the people from SNL and then they invited me to do the audition process. Wow. And so what's the worst you've ever bombed? There's probably a bunch of them. I'm good at blocking it out immediately. It's like a sports thing. Like when you have the worst game of your life, you have to forget it immediately. And so I forget it immediately. Like you played soccer when you were a kid, right? And in college. Oh, right. Yeah. Where'd you go to college again? I love this because there's nothing there. I know. You do. Really get it. I know. I know. I do love it. I do love it. My friends were. Do your mom still live in Miami? Yes. My friends were just there for years. Oh my god. It's fun. Thank you, Seeky. Again, for sponsoring today's episode. Okay. So at this point, I am a week into Broadway. So if you want to come see me in all out, a comedy about ambition at the Niederlander Theatre, you can use my code, TheraPuzz, for 10% off your order at Seekyke.com. You can literally see anything on Seekyke, any live event, sporting, comedy, live music, Broadway. I am also just so excited about all the shows that I'm planning on seeing Robin just announced a tour and I'm so excited to scream, dancing on my own live. I've never done it. I mean, I've obviously done it out on a night, but I've never done it sung by Robin. So I am very excited. I'm going to use Seekyke to get tickets to that. And then Lady Gaga is still on tour. BTS is on tour. Alex Warren is also going on tour. Like there are just so many amazing people to see right now and Seekyke is the place to get the tickets to see everyone. It is also basketball season. If you want to see a basketball game, also as always, a comedy show. Once again, you can use code TheraPuzz for 10% off. And if you click the link in the description to download the app, it will automatically add the code TheraPuzz to your account for 10% off. I must reiterate, when tour is ending, we have to leave the house. We have to leave the house. We need to go outside and we need to go to live events. Thank you again, Seekyke, for sponsoring today's episode. What are you TheraPist about today? What are my TheraPist about? Nobody told me that I should have something to be TheraPist about. I'm looking at-- Do you want me to go first? Oh, please. OK, so I'm TheraPist about a few things. Right. OK, my one thing is that the guy hasn't texted me back. That I'm supposed to want to date with later. I'm TheraPist about that. I'm TheraPist about the fact that I had a dream last night where my T-20 were getting pulled. And when they were getting pulled, there was a string attached to the tooth. That was like they had to cut off. And so I woke up on a goodness. At 3, I woke up at 1, and then I woke up at 3, and then I woke up at 6. From each from a nightmare, different nightmare. And then one with the teeth pulling was just the worst. And so that set my day off horribly. Right. And then I have to pee a lot, like in 10 minutes, I'm going to have to go pee. So should we work on your diet? I have been. What do you eat? I had lamb chops last night. That's not good. What? It's not that's heavy. What do you eat? I mean, I don't know. I try to eat like sushi as much as I can. Well, that's where my date is supposed to be tonight. So thanks for bringing that one up. Bring it right back to that. No, I don't know. I eat chicken and rice all the time. Oh, every guy I ever met, all they eat chicken and rice. That's it. Chicken and rice. I just order chicken and rice. From where? From anywhere. Japanese places have a lot of chicken and rice. I have a lot in place next to my place in New York that they bring it to me and it's great. But yeah, chicken and rice feel safe. And rice is what they tell you to eat when your body is not dealing well with other foods or when like-- Yeah, the brat diet. Yeah, the brat diet. So I try to do that. I try to do a lot of rice. I'm trying to leave rice. I'm trying to do chicken in greens, but I just can't. I just so boring. It's so boring. I get so bored. My favorite thing about rice is when you-- it's like-- I described it as like an empty canvas and you can paint it with sauce and it soaks up all the sauce. Interesting. Yeah. Do you like-- what's the wet rice? What? The wet rice. What? It's a dish. Everybody eats it. The wet rice. It's like a saucy rice. Risotto? Yes. Oh my god. That's what you were referring to. It's pasta. That's pasta. But it's in the class of pasta. Because it puts-- because it's full of sauce. I don't know. And then what you just said, it's in the class. Because it's like-- What else is in the class? Like if I'm like going to an Italian restaurant, it's like pasta. And then under pasta is risotto. Is that true? Yes. Okay. What's something like you wonder about straight men? I wonder what it feels like to have sex with a vagina. Right. I heard somebody said once that it feels like you're sticking your dick in a warm hot tub. Right. Do you have any other-- I just heard whoever out there agree with me. I heard him say, damn. All right. So that answers your question. What else is in your-- Is that what it feels like? Damn. What else you got? I don't know. Like what a straight guy is. What else do I have to ask you about? I don't know. Do you feel blessed that your metabolism is fast? Oh my god. You think you guys have a slower metabolism? Well, I think I'm the only one. So I'm-- yeah. I don't know. I think our metabolism is the same. I think we need to get you off lamb chops. And I think we need to get you on a lighter-- You need to eat lighter foods. Feel light. Feel fast. Okay. So like what? Like you can-- like before soccer games, you do carbs. You have a little bit of pasta. And have a little protein. And then you're good to go. Just-- I want you to stay light. Because-- Do I look like I lost weight to you? Yeah. Shut up. 100%. Where? And I know you. So I know that you've been working on it. And when I met you, it was before you started working on it. So there's results. Okay. You're getting results. I'm so excited for your premiere tomorrow night. I know you're coming. I'm going to get tipsy. Let's do it. Are we going to get drunk? Yeah. We have a little after party too. Oh well, that's why I heard. Come on. Let's have some fun. Okay. I'm only in a lay for a little bit. So we got to do it. I know what you tried to get me to come out the other night. I know. And getting Jake to go out is so funny. Because he has never said no to me once. He never says no. He'll never say no instead. He'll go. Okay. Yeah. And then I don't hear from him until the next day at 5 p.m. I know that actually is exactly what happened. That's what you do. Well, that is what I do. I don't say no. I say, like if somebody were to ask me, like, like, show, ask me a question. Louise was me. I'll say, oh, just give me the night. I'll think about it. Right. You never say no. Never. Maybe we got to work on that. Maybe you should say no more. No is liberating. I don't like saying no. No, I can't. I can't. No, I'm sorry. I can't. Oh, but I was in bed. And then a guy like you would go, no, I'm sorry. I can't. about how many yeah of course what it was 6 p.m. what how many of you would you say I love you to everybody every single person and they owe and people if they don't feel comfortable say yeah you didn't say it back to me you said all right buddy love yeah it felt it feels fast but I do love you I know but I you know I think you gotta put some you gotta start to put some weight on that you know I say I love you to everyone I say I love you to my my barista every morning Taylor hi Taylor I tell you I love you yeah she writes on my coffee every morning does she say love you to yes okay that's sweet and if they don't feel comfortable saying it back they go love how long that's what I did how long have you known her your barista a year okay that's a long time yeah she's everything we have each other's numbers we text okay so that's someone you love yeah I have your number who someone yeah yeah who someone who someone - When is it too soon to say I love you? - I say it as like word, I just say it. I got to my version, goodbye, I love you. - And so let's say that I'm one of the three men you're going on a date with this week and I'm watching this. - Oh no, I've done that before by accident. And I'm like I did not mean that. - Got it. - I did not mean that. - So it does mean something. - I guess. - When, do you have a different thing that you say to people that you like really like? - I think, oh my God, I hope I get a boyfriend this year. Now that I'm thinking about it. - Yeah. - I really hope I get a boyfriend. - Why do you want a boyfriend so much? - What are you guys gonna do? Like what is the thing that you want to do with a boyfriend that you can't do now? - I want to binge watch television with someone and then like be able to have sex in the middle between episodes. - Wow. That's beautiful. - By the way, that's beautiful. That might be one of the most relatable things you've ever said. - That's like what I want to do. That's why I want a boyfriend. I'm like sitting there and like sometimes I'm watching TV and I'm like, oh my God, wouldn't it be so nice if I was laying on someone's chest right now? Or I was making out with someone? - Of course. - Have you ever seen Homeland? - Not yet, no, I haven't seen it. - Oh my God, strap in. - Why? - It's amazing. - Yeah. - I'm on season six. - Have you seen Pluribus? - It was a lot of world building and I knew I was too stupid. - Got it. - I was like, you know what? I'm too stupid. - Interesting. - It was like giving the same amount of, do you watch Pluribus? - Of course. - You finish? - Yeah. - What do you think? I had Brett spoil the ending for me. - Oh, I'm (beep) Sorry. - No, that's not the ending. But I loved it. I think it's just crazy and it's like in the breaking bad vibe. - And what I love breaking bad. - Also, when we were watching it, all I could think of is the weird shots that they do, like to transition between scenes. It's like that guy is really amazing. The guy that made that show. - I love when people think about stuff like that. - 'Cause it's really sick. - I'm the guy now that I'm like, rewinding to see the creative little touch that they did. Like there's one thing where someone gets hurt and there's like blood. And then you like in your head, first thing you think of when someone gets hurt is blood. And then the next scene is someone making like a pink lemonade. And the powder that they put in is red. And then when it's mixed with water, it make the water look like it was blood. And then you find out when it pulls out that she was just making like a lemonade. - What? (laughing) - Wait, what? - Did you hear what I said? - I heard what you said. - Where were you when I was talking? - I was thinking about how funny. How funny it was when I asked you what it was like to have sex with the vagina. Your friend up there said, damn. (laughing) That's what I was thinking about. - Fair enough. I said something that made sense. - You said that she got hurt. There was blood. And then the following scene, there was red blood lemonade. - Exactly. Isn't that interesting to you? - No. - Okay, fine. - What else are you watching? - Oh. - Is this your least favorite podcast you've done this week? - No. - Okay, awesome. But I also know you and like you. It's hard for you to piss me off. - And love me. - I can't get therapist about this. - Okay. - You know what I'm therapist about? - What? - I'm therapist about when you have a great night. You have a fun night. You have a few drinks. You have the time of your life. You truly enjoy it. And why is it that the next day has to be so bad? - Oh my God, you think that? - Do you know what I mean? - You don't get hungover? - I do, but-- - You get anxiety. - Oh, well, I do. But you need to know how to do it right. - Is that just the price that I pay? - You don't have like a routine. You don't lay in bed. Watch television smoke. Oh, you don't smoke anymore. Smoke a joint, order food, maybe get an IV. - You just, I have to work. - Well, I don't drink on the weekdays. - Never. I try not to. - What have you had a big day? - This is a special occasion, I mean. - Yeah, the mat sucks. - Right? - Yeah. - It's just the price you pay, I guess, for having fun. Is you have to have a horrible time? - Are you hungover right now? Is that why you bring that up? - No, no, but it happened after the critics choice words I went over my friends and we went to-- - I know, I got the call. - Yeah. - Oh my God, did I miss such a fun night? - It was so fun. - Fuck, what did you guys do? - We went to Chateau and we just talked and had a blast. - You told me you were going to the wine. - And Alexander Skarnsguard was there. - Shut up! (laughing) - What? - You could have met him. - And he was drinking with you guys? - He was having fun, he was right by us, yeah. I got to talk to him, got to talk to his dad. - Have you been watching all the Oscar noms? - No, I haven't. - You haven't seen any. - No, but it's exciting to me to see people be rewarded for the stuff that they do. - Have you seen one battle after another? - No, I'm dying to see it. I got to share a little moment with Leo at the critics choice words. - What was the little moment? - He was looking at some papers 'cause I think he was going to present or something. And I just got to be like, "Hey man, we had met one time before." And he's just, he's cool. - He seems at. - He's a very cool guy. And I've, all I've heard about him is that he's just a tremendously hard worker. And he loves his mom. And he hangs out with his mom and got a lot of respect for that guy. - Did you bring your mom to the critics choice words? - No, she couldn't come. She's working. My mom is like a workhorse. - What does she do? What does your mom like? - Me, she's like me. - She's you. - Yeah. Well, I always say, think about who could have made me. - Right. - Yeah. - My mom, she works for a Belgian company. It's like a, she knows sales and a Belgian company. And ever since I was a kid, she'd be like up at fourium because it's a time difference. And then I would wake up at like seven, 30, seven, 45. And I'd be angry. And she'd be like, "You got no idea what it is." You know what I mean? - Yeah, yeah. - But she's just, you have never met her. - No, I, she'd love you, dude. - I, you know what? I think we would get along really well. - I know. - Because she likes to go to the mall for 10 hours. - She likes to go to the mall for 10 hours. She likes to, and not anymore. She used to, not anymore. She's like online. She loves to be online. And, but she didn't buy you to drink wine. She didn't buy you to come over. She'd tell you, "You have to stay with her." She'd go, "Stay with me." - Oh my god, I hate being alone. - She would love it. She would love it. You have to come meet her. You have to go to Miami. - I know. - I know. - Show you. - I would like that. 'Cause last time I was in Miami, I was like, "I can't do this ever again." It's just intense. It's intense. There's like 24 hour clubs. There's multiple 24 hour clubs. My friends went to the club at seven. I am the other night. - To space. - Oh, okay, so are you planning on getting drunk for the after party? - I want to have a couple drinks, sure. Yeah. - What is a guy like you doing money? - I don't spend it. I'm Jewish. - And so you don't spend? What's your, what do you spend? - Well, no, I do spend. - What do you spend? - I go, what would you say I spend on Louise? - Close. - Close. - Close and travel. - Yeah. - You've got to travel well. - I do. And I do. And if you ever want, like, I am a master class. And like, convenience is key. - Right. - Do you know there is a service that I just discovered today that take the second you land? You get off the plane and they just drive you home. - It's from the plane. - Yep. - And what's the service? - Delta VIP. - Oh yeah, I've done that before. - Yeah. - But they don't take me home, they take me to my car. - Well, that's when I met. - Oh, how do I spend my money? I like lately, I think it's been like, I just love the take being with my friends and covering it. I need to stop doing that, but I've had plenty of conversations about this that I need to chill about it. - You like doing that? - But I just do like, like, taking care of it. But I'm getting better about it. 'Cause it's a lot of money. You have to like chill. - I'm gonna hold on. - What, what are you about to do? - Call Pay-N. - Can I guess what the call is? This is a call we're paying to tell me that you have never paid for anything that I'm in their entire life. - Yo. - Hi, I'm with Marcello. We're doing therapist. Guess what? I said, we're talking about how, like, first of all, say hi. - Hi. - Hello, Payne. - He said-- - Hey, yo. - She says miss you. - Oh, miss you too. - He said, I said, what, he's like, how do you like to spend your money? I said, on clothes, whatever. I said, how do you-- - Or not at all. - Yeah, or not. And then I said, how do you like to spend your money? You'll never guess this answer. - Am I supposed to guess? - No, he says he likes to pay for his friends. - Cool. I want you to get a notebook, get a pen, and take notes. - But Payne, I need to work on that because my friends will love me either way, right? - Like, yeah, but what I love is Jake like brought me on a date like every once, every three years, yeah. - Jake. - I know, it's not-- - What I did, I did Payne was just, I don't have a vacation from Helen. I did offer to pay for her room, which I didn't do. - Okay. - But-- - But-- - However, Jake did get me a purse, I had been wanting forever for my birthday. - The Prada party-- What was it? The Prada party purse? - Prada purse. - Yeah. - It's a Prada bag with a rave on it. - With a what? - With a disco ball. - Oh, a disco ball. - It's the Prada party purse. - But-- - With a rave on it. - To be fair, Payne, we were at Drainston Payne started pulling up bags and saying, I want this one. - I want this one. - Also, to be fair, I think that you roll a lot deeper than I do. Like-- - That man. - I don't-- - I don't go out with maybe as many people as you do. Like when you-- - How many people you go out with? - We don't have many friends. - It's like three or four of us max. - Yeah, that's great. There's five of us. - Well, I'm trying to make you look better. But I don't think it's a good thing. I think I need to like relax about it. - Okay, I think I need to work on it. - I think you're doing good. I think-- - You guys can find a happy medium together. - Let's find-- I love that. Thank you, Payne. - Okay, love you, Payne. - Love you. - Oops. (laughing) - Have you ever been to Dominican Republic? - No. - And you speak a little bit better. - Okay, I speak Russian. - Okay. - How are you? - I see, I see. - That we're being together these days. - Sorry. One more time. - Good or not? - How long have I been together? - You studied Spanish for? - What bothers you? - Oh. - I can't speak Spanish actually. - But okay, there's nothing really there. - No. - How was the Dominican Republic when you last-- - It was beautiful. - It was beautiful. - You have to go the people. It's a really just an unbelievable place. And it's beautiful and I think it's on the rise. And I think that it's peaceful and it's a natural beauty. - Do you gossip a lot? - I wouldn't say I gossip a lot, but-- - 'Cause your mom. - Oh yeah, I think it's a mom thing. - Yeah, I think. - I think who's doing what and what they did with what? And my mom also would always do the thing where my mom and my grandmother, they gossip about people they don't even know. They would just do like if they see a news story about like a child that was abducted, immediately they're coming to me and being like, you're a child. That could have been you. - Why did she-- - To live my life in fear that that could have been me. - What is the most trouble you've ever gotten into with your mom? Ever? 'Cause in your special, you talk a lot about how you got in trouble at the mall, how you got in trouble. - That's the one, the phone call. - Really. - That's the biggest thing I've ever done. - But you said you punished yourself? - Well, yeah, but I mean, it was like, I was already punished. It was like, I felt like punishing myself. I didn't punish myself. I just felt like, I felt so bad about it. It was like truly, like, it was, we haven't taught, we still don't talk about it 'cause it was that bad. - He basically, like, told everyone on the bus that his parents and his most cigarettes and drink how old were you? 10? - Yeah. - And he got a call from CPS being like, we're gonna take you away. Turns out it was just his mom's friend fucking with him. - Yeah. - But his mom was like, every single day for two weeks when he would go to school, it would be like, all right, well, I have to go pee in a cup to prove that I'm not on drugs. It was all lies. - The whole thing with the rules. - Yeah, it was a rules I got rulesed. But that was like the part of the worst thing I ever did. That and then it was just like little stuff, you know what I mean? Like, I had to-- - You were a good kid. - I was not, I was not really a great, I was a good kid like I never did anything insane. But I definitely was like, I would get a lot of trouble in school. A lot of times my mom is like, I'm working until 4 p.m. You can't miss the bus and then I get a detention and then I have to miss the bus. And many times she would have to pick me up at school at like 7, 8 p.m. Stuff like that. - I had like any like drug or how call abuse situation. - I think the most trouble I ever got in was when I blocked out and broke my wrist. And my mom had told me two days prior that she was okay with me drinking a little. And then she was like, you know, like you would have a drink here and there. And I was like, oh, okay, great. And then I broke my wrist. - Oh my god. I never got any trouble like that. Like no police trouble. Ooh, one time. This was really bad. One time I crashed my car texting and driving. And I hit a person and they came out of the car. Like I didn't hit like a human. I hit a car, but the people came out like my neck, my back. - Did you have to like handle it through insurance or? - I don't even remember. I think my mom and they were like, but they did this thing about scaring me. Like you might have to go to court. - Well, you could have. You hit someone. - I know it was really bad. - You know the guy still hasn't texted me back. The guy that I'm just gonna say. - Are you serious? - Yes. - So it's getting worse. I think also when you're with a friend and you're having a conversation, you can't relax about it. But the time is not passing that. How is he not texted me? I'm so sorry. - Can I call him? - No, we have a date in four hours. I'm actually so confused. Should I text him? - What if I just call him from my phone and just to see if he's on his phone? And he won't even know it's me. Can we please do that? He won't even know it's me. - He's my fancy. - Yeah, safe. - No? - Yes, yes, yes. - Wait, this is really a speaker. - Here we go, ready? - Yep. - Brother Sterb, I'm doing double. I'm doing double. You just have to. It's part of the thing. (phone ringing) - It's not available. - Stop the phone. - Shut up. - Hang up. - Hello. I'm calling in regard to the car on sale in the Facebook marketplace. Call me back, please. Thank you. (laughing) - I don't think that's bad. Hello. - I have to go pee. - I have to go pee. - I have to pee. - Why won't, so did he decline your call? - He declined the call. He's, but also I feel like he's really in something that's busy. - Yes, he's busy. - That makes me feel like you're okay. It's not that bad. - I need a boyfriend. (laughing) I'm gonna crash out. I'm gonna crash out. - And if he calls you, he's not gonna call you back. I wanted the voice mode to be a person you don't call back. - Well, you're calling about the car on Facebook marketplace. - Yeah, which is me. - Realist. - Not about that on the fly. - Okay, so we're about to get into the tummy. What's wrong? Before we do, I do have to pee my pants. - Okay, great. Let's take a break. (upbeat music) - This episode of Therapus is brought to you by booking.com. Booking.com. Yeah! So I actually have my best friend Alice on the phone with me right now, Alice. We just got back from Japan together. Would you like to tell the Pussies how you booked every single one of our stays? - I really did my big one. It took me about four days to make sure I was booking the right places, the right things. And we got such good deals on booking.com. And we'll be using time and time again. - Like how amazing were those deals, Alice? - Obviously they weren't free, but they were close. (laughing) - You heard it here first as you always do with booking.com. I've used it on tour. I used it on my recent trip. You literally just put in, okay, we're with four people. We need two beds. You want to take it, they really just make it so much easier, especially when you're traveling with a group. Everybody has such different needs for where they want to stay. And booking.com just makes it so easy. So literally thankyoubooking.com for helping my trip with Japan and helping me book obviously all of my tour spots. Also at this rate, I've been in New York for a week now for Broadway. And I booked it on booking.com because I wanted to make sure I was near a gym, somewhere I could get coffee, just like walking distance to anything I would need. So seriously, thank you booking.com. I would literally use it for everywhere I go. And it's been the most helpful. Find exactly what you're booking for on booking.com. Booking.com. Yeah, book today on the site or in the app. (upbeat music) Okay, so tell me about the SNL schedule. I know the, okay, well I guess people watching would know. The SNL schedule is, what do you, are you, do you write? Yeah. Okay, so you write. So I'll tell you Jason Sudakus, name drop alert. Okay. He told me that people always ask him about the SNL schedule. And he had to find a quick way to explain it to someone. Okay. And he gave it to me so that I can do it and then it makes my life easier. So on Monday, we talk about it. Okay. We talk to the host, we talk to the writers. Everybody talks on Monday. Set schedule, set meetings for Tuesday. On Tuesday, we write all day, all night we write. And on Tuesday, there's that dinner that we all go to with the host, that Lauren and the producers, they select some cast to join them at dinner with the host. Okay. You guys get drunk? No, because you got to go back to the office. Got it. So you can have one maybe, but you got to go back and be a person. So Tuesday, we write. Wednesday, we read. So on Wednesday morning, you send in all your sketches at Wednesday afternoon, we all sit at the table and we read 38 to 40 sketches. So it takes hours. So we're done at like 8.39. Okay. You sit at that table for a long time. And then from 9 to like 10, 10, 30, they pick what's on the show. And then on Thursday, there's rewrites all day. So the ones that were picked, you meet up with all the writers and you rewrite the sketches. You find out which moments weren't that good. You try to make them better. And then on Thursday night, I believe there's a few rehearsals as well. And then Friday is when you record everything that's pre-recorded. And also you rehearse a lot of the other sketches. Okay. And then on Saturday, you do usually, you get there at noon. And then you're there until 1.30 AM when it's over. So Saturday, we're rehearsing all day. And then at 8 PM, we do the dress rehearsal. And then at 10 PM, we find out what was cut between dress and air, 10, 10, 30. And then at 11.30, we do the show show. What has your favorite show you've ever done, Ben? I think the one that was most emotionally-- the one that made me cry was with bad bunny when he hosted the first time. And he brought-- obviously, I was helping people that were putting Spanish into his sketches. I felt like important and useful. And that was really nice. And then we had this protective mom sketch that I had done with Pedro, where he's my mom. And we learned-- the producers thought it was-- maybe we bring it back for that one. Then we brought it back. And I got to write it and put bad bunny as my aunt, Pedro as my mom. And it was funny. And then we had a great time. And I think after that show, I remember going to the after party and seeing my friends and just crying. It was big. Like hysterically sobbed? Yeah. Like a-- Oh. But it was like-- you know, it was a moment. Yeah, of course. And I felt like I had really done something. Yeah. That was a great one. And then what is on the flip side a sketch where you got off stage where I've never bombed that hard in my life? It happens a lot. I got dressed rehearsal. Some of the sketches just don't work. And you get cut. And you get cut. We've done a few that just don't work. But I pride myself on like, it's okay to be like for a second to be like, damn, or whatever, but like, I don't get too low. And I try not to get too high either. Really? Yeah. Because then yeah, you ever heard the song Happy and Sad by Casey Musgraves? No. You should listen to it. Yeah. It's a good one. It talks about like when you're feeling really happy, you're like, oh my god, something bad's gonna happen. Right. It's tough. And uh, ooh, Tom Hanks has a great quote that I saw him do on a YouTube thing where he's like, um, whenever you think you have it all figured out, you're wrong. That's the quote. And then whenever you think that you have nothing figured out and everything's going bad, you're wrong as well. Oh, if you would just give me a second. Yeah. I was a less, a less than impatience for me. Yeah. Exactly. Well, let's, I'm doing it before we get into the time you watch wrongs, I am gonna see but still no response. That's cool. Well, he ignored the call. He's busy. Past me one of those stress balls you're making me stressed. I didn't realize we're gonna be so sticky, Jake. I'm sorry. Why I like it. Oh, it's slimy. It's slimy. I'm sure it'll get dry the longer you have it. Mm-hmm. What was your favorite place when you would go to the mall with your mom and you said you hated it, which actually was probably the most shocking part of your special because I love the mall. Really? Well, I guess that doesn't mean you would like it, but what was your favorite place to go to? We're different, you know. In the mall. Um, my favorite place to go to in the mall. I don't know. I really didn't enjoy it, but I will say that I would go now. You want to go to the mall? I would go to the mall. I go to the mall with you. I go to the mall with my mom. I'd probably have a good time. I also think back then you have no money. Right. Right. You're like, what am I doing? And yeah, and wanting something is scary because your mom is like, really, Mr. C in math. Do you have an allowance as a kid? No. Okay. I would get like sometimes my parents would drop me off at a place called Sunset Place. And that's where you do lose your labs and you have your first case and all that stuff. Uh-huh. And they would give me 20 bucks. I'd get up. They'd be like, my parents would give me 20 as well. You do that. But I never had an allowance. I never had like chores. I never was like, Oh, I took off the trash. I deserve money. Mom was like, No, this is my house and I pay rent. You know, I didn't do, you know, I didn't do chores as a kid. Never did chores. Never. Not once. You think that it's hurt you and your older. Absolutely. I didn't know how to do laundry until I got to college. Oh my god. I didn't know how to do the dishwasher until I moved into my second apartment in college. Whoa. Well, so the tell me what's wrongs you obviously knows since you've seen the show. Of course. And we prescribe stuff. Right. My best friend of 10 plus years has a line problem. Recently, she's been retelling stories that I'm a part of. Oh, and she's adding things that are untrue and always end up making me look bad in her look good. Whoa. I've been there. Other friends have noticed it too. Okay, well, that's the first part. And she even fabricated a story until my coworkers, which made me really uncomfortable. And I had to do damage control. What do I do? So it's awkward when you have a friend like that because they'll never because they already have the line problem like that's seeded into them. They will never look at you and tell you that they lied. After. And so I know so you'll say you just lied. They'll say no, I didn't. Even if you put the pressure on. Yeah, they'll say no, I didn't. You're lying. Whoa. I don't really know what to describe. I think you'd have like more faith in people. Oh my god. You know what I prescribed? What? Remember in the episode of Pluribus where she gave her the truth serum? Yes. That. The truth serum. Which is heroin to kilo or something. Sorry, I because didn't she ask for heroin in Pluribus? I mean, yeah, but that was not. I had nothing to do. Whatever. I prescribed like a like a let's have drinks with this girl and have a lot of drinks like a lot. Eat not drinks that towards the end of the night when you're black out. You go, hey, I'm not mad. But we have to talk about this. Do you watch the real housewives? A little bit with my family. Yeah, why? Which one do you watch? Because that is something that they would do. My sister does my sister does Miami Salt Lake City. Shut up. Of course. Salt Lake City is apparently the best one. It is the best one. Do you watch Salt Lake City? I hit a little bit. Yeah. Who's your favorite? I don't have a favorite. Come on. But my favorite. Lisa Barlow. I'm very important. God. Have you heard her say that? No, did she say she said I'm very important. God. To God. Yeah. Okay. That's funny. I like Miami. I like in Miami. Miami is one of the best too. Miami is one of the best. I like the girl that's with the firefighter. I don't watch Miami. So I wouldn't know. Okay. I do know that it is considered one of the best. I only watched Salt Lake. Miami is really good though. So you watched my sister. Yeah, I sit down on my sister sometimes and I watch the housewives. It's television. People you can you can hate on it all you want. It's television. It's good TV. Some of the best actors in the world watch housewives. The stuff happens. It's drama. It's would you can you believe her? I love that. I don't find myself to be a very dramatic person. Like I don't like get there very often. So it's nice to see people get there. Uh-huh. Over stuff that's not that important. You're not dramatic. Not that dramatic. I think I definitely am dramatic. But I think that level is kind of performative. You know what I would prescribe actually real house real housewives of New York City scary Island episodes because Kelly Benz or maybe not scary Island but just like that whole season with Kelly Benzimone in general because she just lies through her teeth. My friend my friend Gwyneth remember that oh my god. She's just a liar and you just you can't you have to just like deal with it. Right. But only if you love this person do I recommend having the drinks and doing the thing. My twin sister and my boyfriend have been hooking up behind my back for months. Wow. I found out through a mutual friend that told me when we were a little drunk last weekend. You see how they see how the information gets out. Yes. I feel so betrayed by both parties obviously and have no idea what to do with this information. I haven't told them I know yet and it's taking everything for me not to murder them both. How do I handle this in the most evil way possible? Whoa. In the most evil way? My twin sister is hooking up with my boyfriend behind my back. Are you would you consider yourself to be a petty person? Um, not too petty. No. I also don't think I'm petty. She would disagree. Petty to me is like if somebody like if you find out that someone's been talking to someone else behind your back and they tell you you post like a story with the person that told you that stuff. You know, I mean that to me is like petty behavior. That's calculated. That's calculated and petty. Oh, but if I find out the opportunity to do that and I didn't do it. Oh, do you get your feelings hurt if you find out someone speaking about you about behind your back? Um, no. Neither do I. No. Well, because what? Because what? Because there's no such thing as what? Bad press, honey. You believe that? I don't know. I just wanted to say. Okay. Um, what do we prescribe to this girl? No, no, no, no, we prescribe. She wants the most evil solution. I mean, I mean, the the classic response is like a romcom where like John Tucker must die, which I've prescribed many times. However, what's that? You never seen John Tucker must die. Oh, it's fabulous. Oh, really? You would love it. Okay. It's amazing. I recommend something crazy. Oh, I actually know what I recommend. I recommend something crazy, but this has lifelong effects. Okay. What? Tell your mom. Oh, yeah. Because it's her. It's the sister. And it's like and they look the same and it's hard to pick one. But when you find out something like this, you I would prescribe girls on HBO specifically because Hannah, the main character's boyfriend starts hooking up with her bathroom behind her back and she writes a thing piece on it. Oh my god. Yeah, but naming names. No, but they know. My parents have 20 plus years just told me this was an evil solution to send it to you. So you read it on here. Oh, yeah. This was part of it already. So like if you know, you know, if you know, you know, now, and if you really want to be evil, tell your mom, tell your mom, tell your mom, what would your mom do if she found that out. Like let's say, it would just be like, I still love you. And you'll always question if that's true. Really? Why? Because you were like, she'll be like, she'll tell you that's wrong and that you should, you did the wrong thing and that you should never betray your sister like that. And then for the rest of your life, you'll kind of live with that guilt of like, I let my mother down in a crazy way. God, I don't have that guilt. No. No. Do you have any siblings? Yeah. Really exactly. I'd be like, look, that's for times. What? Probably like, I don't know. Oh my god. My parents of 20 plus years just told me at the right age of 24 that parents of 20 plus years just that's just your parents. Okay, I guess you're right. Yeah, she was telling us her age. My parents just told me at the age of 24 that they're getting divorced and my dad is joining a polycule. What is that? Oh, that's when you have sex with multiple. It's a relationship with multiple. The weirdest thing is my mom is totally fine with it. Well, obviously, like they've been talking about it. Please, how do I cope with this? It's so weird even though I'm already out of the house. Oh, you just have to, it's, it's, you're at that age where you're like, oh my god, my parents are just growing up children. They don't know what they're doing. Right. Do you ever feel that way? Like, oh my god, my parents are just growing up children? I prescribe a group chat with the wives. Why? Just get in there. Starting off some wine and try to enjoy it. They feel guilty too. They just took a normal family, the other people in the polycule. I think that the other people in the polycule, I think that they feel bad too. They're like, oh my god, this guy had a normal life and then now because of the polycule, it's kind of, it's all kind of going to be different now. So use that guilt to kind of have some fun, try to have some fun, try to make them, you know, get some gifts. Yeah, double Christmas. Well, with that, it's like triple, triple Christmas. Well, your parents are divorced, right? My parents are divorced. So do you get double Christmas? I get double Christmas. Yeah, okay. I have a, I have a mom. I have a step that I don't have a dad and my mom and my step that they got divorced and they got back together. Wow. Oh my god. Love your mom's energy. She's just didn't work. Let's try it again. Literally. And the real savage move is to divorce is like whatever that problem was, It was it was let's we're divorced right and then if you can repent Uh-huh take your time repent away from me right you know what I mean and then you were religious man I believe in God. Yeah, okay. I believe in God. I pray you pray I pray before every show I don't pray before every show I pray before my special I pray every time I got on a plane and I pray every once in a while on my own I do want us I've been trying to do this. I want to pray every night Okay, did your girlfriend also pray? I think she does have a relationship with God. Yeah, oh, that's beautiful But I want to pray at night. I want to pray at night. I used to do this Where you pray at night and you talk about what you want for the what you're thankful for for today and what you want for tomorrow Okay, let's practice that right now. Okay, ready. All right. What do you think before for today? Are we really gonna pray? Oh? Okay, yes, because if we're gonna pray we're gonna pray. Okay. Okay, ready. Let's do a little prayer. Let's do a little prayer God, I am thankful for my friends for my family for my health I'm thankful for this week in LA. I've been able to share a lot of time with people that I admire and people that I respect I am grateful for My special letters coming out. Thank you for allowing that to happen without a hitch and thank you for giving me the opportunity to have this week To promote it and to try to get people to watch it because you know how much work I put into it That's what I'm grateful for today I'm grateful for my family and my friends from my relationship and for The people on my team that make me a better person and make me work very hard Jake, what are you thankful for for today? Okay. Thank you God for Giving me the health to be able to work out this morning. I loved my workout Thank you for Letting me have this space to interview my friends and talk to them I would actually really appreciate it if you had the guy that I'm going on the date with tonight text me back I've been waiting and I need to know if I need to show up to sushi for me at 8.30 p.m. Or not But other than that, I am so grateful. I'm grateful for my body I feel like I've been looking a little slimmer these days. So thank you for that. I know that's both you and me together and I'm grateful for You know, I was actually looking in the mirror today and I decided that I really liked my hair. So I'm grateful for my hair I'm grateful for okay, so I know that this is this is like off and on but like I am grateful for European wax Center Even though that it's poorly run. I am grateful for them because I feel really comfortable with my upper arms right now because they're waxed Thank you for that and thank you. Amen and then no no no, no, we want for tomorrow. Okay. Oh, okay. Oh, I already jumped on that one. It's okay and For tomorrow I pray that you please give me the opportunity to have a amazing screening for my special and that Everybody comes and that they enjoy it and that they feel identified and that they feel that they had a moment of release and that they laugh and I also pray that tomorrow you keep everybody safe in my family and in my friends and that my girlfriend has a safe flight from New York to LA to come See the screening and I pray that tomorrow you also Remind me whenever I can to help other people when it's possible and And I'm in and now you for tomorrow. Okay for tomorrow I'm going to the store at 11 a.m. And I want them to have the size of the blue and white stripe shirt that I really want So I pray for that I pray that I do a good job in my workout after I buy the shirt if they have my size wing wing And I pray that I Find joy in my day tomorrow. Amen. That was sweet That was sweet. That was so fun. I do pray that they I have this shirt just be grateful Be grateful is that what religion is you think just gratitude or no? I think it's gratitude. I think people Oh my god, I saw that too. Yeah, I think people Star fly. I think so it was God. It was it was And what did I do? I went No, no, but you were just startled by his presence. Thank you. That's sweet I think it's that I think it's you being grateful for the world that you have and I think it's also when things go bad You you need someone that you want to be on your side and I think it's you know, it's true that you know He's always listening and I think it's also just placing intentions into the world is I think it's a healthy thing I do that and silently good. You know what? I feel so good after prayer. Oh my god I feel amazing and imagine doing that every night before you go to sleep You just feel like oh, I'm putting it out there. I'm putting it out there and then now you start to kind of live life with intention I keep on going out and I cannot get a hint for the life of me in multiple ways I never know when to go home girl same I never know when I'm too drunk, but mainly well obviously that's the point of being drunk But mainly I never know when someone is into me I've had experiences where I make the first move and it feels completely So how can I trust that someone is doing the same to me? I fumbled the bag so hard so many times how how how do I know when someone is flirting with me instead of just Bannering or humor in me please it's such a problem. I totally relate to that Interesting. How do you know how do you how did you know when someone was when your girlfriend was flirting with you? We went on a bunch of dates. I think it took time Patients I think I think also sometimes you have to make a move and see what the reaction is I think you know if you go on a bunch of dates and you're saying goodbye you can ask to kiss or to see if it's okay And I think I think I really respect people that go are you flirting with me or are you just humoring me? I think that to me oh my god if I want my date today. I'm gonna use that line. It's good, right? Yeah Are you flirting with me? Are you interested in me or are you just playing with me? Are you just or are you just being nice? And I think that's like a cute and honest way to get it out of the way and then you know and then maybe you get a person That's you know really honest and it's like you know what honestly. I am just being nice. I am seeing someone or I'm not looking for anything So why go on the date? No, not on the date. Just like a random person at a bar. Okay. Sorry. That hit home for me That one really hit home for me Let's manifest something before we get to the next the next one. I'm gonna pass that he texted me back Did it? No, he's busy. He rejected the rejected two calls back to back. What if that was the biggest opportunity of his whole life? Well, it's from an unknown number. That was by the way, it kind of was one of the biggest opportunities of his whole life and I think he passed Pass I can't believe he didn't text me back. I'm like Jake relax. What was I gonna tell you? Oh? Who do you want on the show that you haven't had on Taylor Swift? That's okay. That's a new Matt Taylor Swift I met her once. Yeah, well, she loved me. She was sweet. She was with Travis at an after party and I brought I brought shots and we did like a shot together She's cool. Who is the most starstruck you've ever been to meet on SNL? I Think for me because I listened to a lot of Spanish music when I saw bad bunny. I was kind of freaking out Carol G I was freaking out. I think for me. It's like those people really are like whoa and then I think I would freak out if I ever saw like Jennifer Aniston. I think she's a legend One time I was waving at someone and watch the morning show. Oh you watch the morning show. Yeah, I watch it Brett loves that show. I roommate. I watch it a lot. I once was waving at someone and Jennifer Aniston was saying in the same hotel. It means she thought I was waving at her and she said oh, no And I said oh, no, but it was like Jennifer Aniston. You said oh no. No, I was just like oh my god That's so awkward. Like I just had that and it was with Jennifer Aniston. She's a legend, isn't she? Was she the one that was dating Justin thorough? Yes, they were dating. Yes, they yes, they were have you ever seen the leftovers? No, oh my god talking about God right you know I have a show coming out really yeah on Hulu and I'm making it with Paul Burgundy. Oh nice. What is it called? Untied old as of now, okay, and it's all about you of course. Oh my god. You worked with Paul for a while You're not gonna invite me know we wouldn't we didn't cut we didn't overlap you know for that No, oh, but you're gonna invite me to do the show. Yeah, I I've actually thought of you Hey, if you're not too busy, you have like 10 different movies coming out this year. You got Shrek. Yeah, isn't that insane? Have you filmed Shrek already? Yeah, it's been it's all voiceover obviously. Okay. Got it. Yeah, it's crazy. I can watch your Shrek voice It sounds a lot like me. Oh, okay. It sounds a lot like me. You play Shrek son. I play one of Shrek sons. Yeah one of yeah, he's getting around No, he's very fertile but That's really crazy exciting and I'm I did one with Kevin Hart and it's coming out in July. Oh, yes I've heard about this. You what's it called again 72 hours and what's it about it's It's like a it's a boys movie. It's like the boys It's for everyone, but it's because there's a bunch of like girls moment as well, but it's What he means like Like there's a group of girls in it that are hilarious and there's a group of boys and Kevin is like in the boys group and we are it's like a bachelor party movie Okay, so what do you think the biggest difference between boy and girl humor as I don't know because I think I have a little bit of Girl humor you do because you grew up like your mom and your sister. Yeah, I'm a house of woman Um, I don't know. I guess I think Shane Gilles is boy humor Totally, you know what I mean? And then I think I am like I'm in the middle. Yeah, I feel like I was a very much a guy because I played sports and stuff But I grew up with a lot of women and I'm I feel comfortable like hanging with women The wine nights with my aunt talking, you know, I mean I talk about it like um something like when I was younger I felt like a real guy at school and then I would come home and my sister would be like I met someone and I'd be like me a picture. How what's your age difference with your sister? Three years older. She's older. She's younger. She's younger. She's amazing. She's an architect. What she studied architecture and then she got into interior design. Is it your girlfriend in architects? Well, she is. Wow. Listen. Listen, guys. You did listen about that. She's about us. She makes furniture and stuff. She's showing me. Um, is printer in which you forgot we hung out on. We did hang out on it. Um, yeah. My sister is like, my sister, I am the loud one and she's the quiet one. And she has such like a spidey sense for people and she kind of like, she just is great at analyzing things. And you know what something that she does that I'm really jealous of that I think we need to do? What is I'll be like, something will happen with any of my friends or anybody. And I'll be like, this happened with this person. What's going on? And she's like, you have to wait. Like don't jump to a judgment. Give it a little bit of time. Your sister says this. She's like really emotionally intelligent. And I don't. I don't. It's literally what it is. It's like you're saving your energy. Because I want I come up to her with a problem. And I'm like, I'm ready to be pissed. I'm ready to get therapist about this. Uh-huh. And then she's like, chill. Whoa. What's her birthday? She's June 20th. Gemini. Gemini. Telling you she says that she says this stuff. She's also therapist. Okay. But I think also like, for example, the texting thing, like if someone's not texting me back, and I'm like, what's going on? Or like, you know, a business thing isn't happening. And I'm like, it's not happening. Where? Why won't the answer? I sent like a text with a request and I'm not getting anything. She's like, relax. People are busy. Things happen. Sometimes I don't text back. Sometimes you don't text back. So give people the same grace that you wish that they gave you. I think wow. Let me just check if he texted me back though. I do want to see. Okay. So he still has some text in your back. You're giving this guy so much power. You know that. That power is mine. The power is yours. And when what are you? A bad bitch. Okay. Wow. I want to hang out with you all the time. We do need to hang out more. We do. That's a fact. That's a fact. You're going to, when are you going back to New York Sunday morning? I leave New York Sunday morning. Okay. All right. Next there. Next one. I've had to keep up a lie about my quote, fake boyfriend. For way too long at this point. It started as a joke for my family members over the holiday. Someone took it seriously though. And it got back to their daughter, my friend, who was over the moon about this for me and told a bunch of people who cares. They've all been super supportive. And none of them are people I'm crazy close with. It has been literally six weeks of this now. And I want to nip it in the bud before the holiday season is over without too many follow up questions or people thinking I'm a freak. How you just say it's a joke. I got out of control. I didn't know how to end it. You seem to be honest. Honestly, that's what I learned. Whenever I would get in trouble at school, I would just think, oh my god, I did it. I'm sorry. Yep, accountability is big. You want to know why I did that? Because one time I lied. And the principal brought in the other person. Like I had been playing the field with both people. And they oh my god, I'll never forget it. Let's just say their names were like Jenny and Casey. And Jenny and Casey got into a blowout fight. And the principal brought both Jenny and Casey in. And I had been like talking shit about Casey with Jenny and about Jenny with Casey. And they brought them in. And I literally were sitting there and they looked at me like, get fucked. Pick a side. I was 11. Wow. It was horrible. You were meant to do this. Do what? This what you're doing. Okay, thank you. Jake and Gast. So you, me and my best friend had to get a new roommate because our lease was up and our other roomy moved out. We found this amazing girl were both boys who seemed really nice, sweet and energetic. Flash forward not only two weeks in and my friend and her have already served a flirt hardcore around the house and have already kissed. So you're jealous. I'm happy for the two of them, but we're in a year long lease and I don't want the whole thing to blow up. You're jealous. I know you don't, I know you say don't get involved, but this is sort of my problem too. No, it's not. No, it's not. And the whole thing of like, I don't want the whole thing to blow up. Why are you manifesting that? Maybe you wanted to blow up. Yeah, maybe because you had a crush on the girl or you have a crush on the boy. Right. Wait. We didn't even really talk about your Netflix special. Let's talk about it. I don't think we talked about it. It's fantastic. American boy. It's out on Netflix now. It would have already been out at this point. Yeah. But the direction is incredible. Thank you. Directed it. Nicholas Goosen. He works with Adam Sandler. He's not about your cool stuff. It's amazing. Thank you. How you said it's the hardest you've worked on anything ever. Yeah. I know we kind of touched on that earlier. I can explain what did you mean by that? So basically when you when you first when you film a special before I film a special, I and I said this yesterday on the Dak Shubber to show, but it was crazy because I was freaking out and I was trying to get guidance from anybody. Like help. And I called Dave Shapo because he has done a million of these. Right. And I called him and he told me a game, a few pieces of advice. And I actually said this on Tiger Billy. Not on the extra show. But he told me just little things to remember about the cameras, about the lighting of the audience. Cool. Okay. And stuff that I wouldn't have thought of that was very technical stuff that I needed to hear. And so I came in with that mindset of like, okay, I'm going to do everything I can to make this as good as possible. And so we did that. It was also drama because the shirt that I wanted to wear for the special, we tried to get multiples because you sweat through the shirt and you need another one. The shirt is a one of one vintage shirt. So there's no multiples. There's one shirt. So after I finished each show, my mom was there the whole week. She's taking it off. She's spring. She's doing the thing with air blow dryer. I was shot over multiple nights. Oh yeah. That wasn't one night. No, you've done an excellent job of making me think wow, talk about movie magic. Movie magic. I'm so nervous that I was nervous about that was over multiple. I really feel six. No, no. And your best friend out there is that front row every time. Yeah. Well, no, he was that he that was movie magic. Oh, okay. Did you guys plan the Dappup? I plan the Dappup. Okay, because it was really smooth. I actually made I decided the entire seating chart based on the Dappup. Really? Well, it was very smooth and worked. Thank you. That was amazing. And your mom introducing you was also very sweet. She's adorable. And yeah, so that part was crazy. The shirt thing was a fiasco. And then it was doing the shows great. Have a fun night afterwards. After party. Everybody's there. All my family came to visit me. My uncle passed away right before. So it was like kind of like in memory of him and my thiobe pito who I love so much. And I have a letter P here. My girl got me this necklace. Oh, that's beautiful. And his you know, his widow came and his kids who I love so much. Jose Ignacio and Nico and Biki. And I got to see them and they got to see me do this thing. And a lot of my family and friends and my dad and my step dad and everybody was there. And my sister of course. And it was a big moment. Have fun. And then afterwards two weeks later, you have to get into editing. And the editing was insane. I spent a week nine hours a day with my director going literally moment by moment, breath by breath, cutting to different camera shots. I know every shot of the show. I am like, I had to watch it so many times. We did an audio pass where we just listened to it. Then we had to do a visual pass. And then we did I probably did like four or five different sessions on my own where I went through it and I walked and I wrote notes on everything. What's an example of a note? Like, why would you cut? I don't want to cut to this camera angle because my face, you can't really see my face in this and you have to see my face because it's a reaction or I don't like this shot. I think it's too dark. I don't think that I think because it's too dark, you're kind of going to lose interest. I think we're cutting too much between these two jokes. I think we should stick in one camera shot. A lot of that stuff. And then and then you're doing audio stuff like he's so sick of listening. Me what? No, I'm not. It doesn't matter. You're doing audio shots. No, I'm not. Why would you say that? I don't know. I just felt it. I thought I was doing it literally as I'm listening to you. I'm like, wow, I'm really interested in that. Okay, great. I'm glad. I'm glad. Now, maybe I'm just I'm just projecting. Listen, so the audio passes. Are you listening to it and be like, I didn't like that laugh. Was that the real laugh? Did you bump it up? Did you bring it down? What did you do to that? Is that fake? It sounds too loud. I think that that you you you you bumped it. I don't want to bump it. I don't want to lie. I want it to be real. If they didn't laugh that hard, then they didn't laugh that hard. So it was like doing that a lot and it was a lot. So what so how my brother, my step brother watched the whole thing and gave me notes. I had a sentence to another friend of mine who watched it and gave me notes. You know, my mom would watch it and think about, you know, my mom was like, I have flyaways in my hair. Can we fix that with with my movie magic? Did you fix it? Of course. Yes. So it was it was just so much so much investment into it. And then even till now this this is investing in it. This is working on it. Right. Promoting it and doing all this stuff. And I had never really done podcasts before. You've been speaking about this for quite some time. You've been I've been wanting to do your show and I haven't been able to because I told you I wanted to have my special. You did tell me that. And I did. Now here I am. You're a man of your word. Thank you very much. And I love you. I love you too. You mean it? I don't know. Okay. Well, today I learned that maybe praying is good for me. Yes, you try it. Yeah, I should try it. Even as just a meditation, I think it's a beautiful thing. Yeah, great. Well, we're so little things for coming on the show. You're welcome, I'm going to show and I want to tell you that I'm very, very proud of you. And this is so exciting. And you just sold this to Netflix and you used to be an assistant at a record label and you made it out and you're making a real name for yourself and you're sitting here next to some super famous people. I'm watching you reach every person that you've wanted is coming and Taylor is coming. I'm going to manifest it. She will do it. And I'm proud of you and I'm grateful for And I hope you enjoy your gifts. I love you. Thank you for my gifts. I'm proud of you. You're welcome. I'm grateful for you as well. Thank you. I love, bro. Love. You want to give a little bye, Pussies? Bye, Pussies.