172: Selfish Girl Blueprint: Stop Being Nice and Get The Life You Want

Hello and welcome back to the podcast. I am not on my usual dose of caffeine. So this is going to be a very grounded, I'm also looking at the ocean right now. Very holistic, very make up free if you're watching this because I'm going into an appointment where I can't drink anything. Okay? I can't even drink water. Yeah? First, the thirst has arrived. Okay? But I want to tell you about why selfish women win at life and why it's time that you enter your selfish era. Okay? Because your nice personality, baby girl, is ruining your life. It's ruining the vibe. It's ruining the aesthetic. It's ruining how much you're winning, manifesting and what you're doing. And it's frankly annoying. It's annoying and deeply unpleasurable. And it's time that you start winning a life. I want this for you. Okay? Your nice girl personality has got you this far, but we're going to break it down because you're on the verge of an autoimmune. Like all modern women, we are all on the verge of an autoimmune because some dingbat in your childhood made you feel like you being convenient is the most important thing. Above you being happy, above you being real, above you being natural, that the only way that you could get attachment, turn authority figure, or somebody you loved in your childhood was by being what everybody in the back? Nice. That's right. That you, if you exemplified and if you showed authenticity, the real you who you really are, you would have been ejected out of the tribe. But that's at least how you thought in your child brain, right? If authenticity, if you being you, if you saying no, I don't want that or I don't like that or I don't want to go there threatened that person liking you or you being convenient for that person, mother, father, whoever, Kara, if it threatened that attachment, you decided to be the golden child. You decided to abandon yourself because in your childhood attachment will always win. That person choosing you and loving you will win above anything else. You will conform if you can. That is the golden child in psychology that if you find a way to be able to conform in order to end the likes, favors and love of those adults around you. If you know how to play the algorithm and I knew how and I know you if you're watching your tide of being nice and getting run over, you knew how? Some children don't know how and they become the derelict wild savage little children who I now kind of admire. They just go their own way because they can't figure out in their little heads how to make adults pleased with them. But they sadly often run into issues like addictions and things like that because they try and mitigate this natural feeling of wanting to be liked and loved, okay? And they often go into one of the fourth poor responses of humans when they're threatened or they don't feel loved or they feel ostracized is fight, flight, freeze or fawn. And this nice girl persona and I go into four of these really deeply in my book. If you haven't read it, it's called unbothered how to regulate your nervous system and let go of attaching to things you can't control and become the person you finally meant to be. Women are learned to survive. Wow, wow, wow, why are we why are we making loud noises when we're talking in this soothing, soothing way? Women often learn to be agreeable because they learn to do it as a child. They often learn that the only way that the man who likes them is going to like them is if she's agreeable, if she's easy to be around and if she doesn't upset anyone and if she's there for everybody. But what she fails to understand is that people get sick of the used rag that she is becoming and I know I'm using colorful language. That's me. That's what you hear for. Okay. If you become a used sink cloth smelling of infestation. Yeah. And you think that people are going to go, yeah, sink cloth, you wiped up so many spills they're not going to. This is not a 90s infomercial. They're just going to be like, oh, why are you like this? Why have you become like this? You need to get your autoimmune sorted. The the the reason I refer to autoimmune is not because I am a doctor. I am not no son. No, ma'am. Gebo Mate is and he's an incredible doctor. Look him up. It's his research and his work. There has sparked this in my brain and I have seen and he has repeated in his book many times the body holds a score that women who self abandon and it's often women often get autoimmune and things that wear the body attacks itself. The body is saying no. Stop it, Jessica. I am sick of it, Jessica. Live your life in a different way. Okay. You need to stop it. If you really want your system regulation worked on by the way, I've got to say this now. We're running the last live group coaching. It's called unbothered woman. I'll leave it in the description. It's the last one for the year. Get on it like a carbonate. Yeah. I'm in there and we are working together on what subgroup and it's got videos which are beautiful components. Anyway, the adult consequences of you being a child who was golden in your childhood and you being like, oh, I know how to please everybody. Is that you still apologize? You still over explain. This was a big one for me. I thought if I just say something enough, if I just explain myself enough, I'll be likeable. That I'm not really bad. Like it's it was terrifying for me to be displacing in terms of just like being disliked. It was really really hard. Some people say yes to a lot of things. Some people tolerate disrespect. Some people never ask for what they want and it can come up in the most smaller ways because your nervous system thinks you're still six years old and you're going to be ostracized. It's only learned that the way to be proximate to people, to have proximity is to be likable in that way, to be palatable, to be a mat that they can walk over as opposed to an obstacle that they have to witness. You have learned to become a visible a mat that they can just cross over the threshold of your life and an enter. But the problem is, and if that was a strategy that worked, I am here to strategize with you. I am not here to tell you how to live your life. I am here to tell you how to win at life. And you told me that you want to win many, many times. We've discussed men to work blue in the face. If you haven't heard me discuss men, please listen to the two and a half years of my podcast that has been here, how to make them obsessed, how to make them this, how to make them that, how to make them, the other one, we've learned about them. But now I really want to see you win. And this is about men too. Men don't want a nice girl. Men want a happy woman. Okay. And a happy woman gets what she wants by being selfish. Yes, she does. And this is the new era that you're going into. Migrate, I don't like the word selfish. I don't care. Yeah. Your body is going to thank you for being selfish because you're not going to develop illnesses. You're going to be beautiful for longer because you're not going to suppress anger and your needs and desires, which is then going to cause you stress, which is then going to make you chronically cortisol releasing. Yeah. And not only ugly but tired. And then potentially you have health consequences. And that is the work of Gabo Mateo and many doctors. Okay. It is an actual biological thing that will happen to you. What do you think you're going to do if you keep neglecting yourself? Yeah. It is okay to be authentic. It is okay to disappoint people. It is okay to stop apologizing. And it is okay to enter your villain era. Okay. Because that is what I'm entering at the moment. I'm feeling it in my bones. We are entering our villain era. We are unapologetic. I don't feel like wearing makeup today. So what? Deal with it. Deal with my unmade up 30 year old face. Okay. I actually think that we need to break down ways in which we can stop this from happening to you. How we're going to enter the selfish girl era because it's all good to have explanations. It's all good to just say be selfish. It's not cruel. It's not entitled. It's not bad. You do you. You become the person you want to be. But here on the being her podcast and in my methodology, we like points. We like to have points and systems. Okay. Of how we're going to break this habit out of our heads. So if you don't want to join the unbothered women community, that's absolutely fine. You don't have to because that is paid. It is very good. But we are going to work on it here today. You're going to reclaim your life. You are born as you. You only have one life. You are not born to service and being servitude to somebody else. You have one life. Okay. And the more you amplify and glorify what God or the universe has given you, I say both because I don't know what you believe in. The more you will have to give to others, you see, it is natural to want to be a lover and to love people. I'm not telling you to be a monk on a rock by yourself. No, I'm not. But it is important to understand point one. Nice girls abandon themselves before anyone else can. It is a self-affilling prophecy. You see, once you understand it, once you understand that you don't love yourself enough to say, I'm going to back myself because then someone else might abandon you. They might not like you. They might say, I don't like that. Only they might not agree with your food or fashion choice or they might not back you. Every decision becomes what does he want? What does she want? Instead of what do I want? And eventually you don't even know what you want. So you're so afraid of being abandoned. You were so afraid of not being chosen. that you would rather abandon yourself before anyone else can prove it to be the truth. Let it be the truth. Choose you. Let them abandon you. Who cares? You're a big girl now. Let them. Let them do what they will. Leave exit sideways. I don't care. Stage left. Sayonara. Buy. Sayonara. Sucker. I'm going to choose myself. That's right. That's the new era that we're entering. Villain era. Okay. Do not abandon yourself to prove the self-affilling prophecy true. That if I abandon myself before anyone else can, at least I can be pleasing to them. Back yourself. That's your first name. Can we talk about sunglasses for a moment? Because I feel like most eyewear is super beautiful and aesthetically pleasing and designer, but super uncomfortable, like it presses down on your nose. Or it's super functional, but ugly. Okay. You're like, oh my god, get that off my face. Good-ah pronounced good-ee-ah. Figure out that you don't have to choose baby girl. They're active eyewear for anyone. Okay. My daughter got a pink one. My son got an orange one. And I got black because you can't get better than all black. Then I slip. They don't bounce. And they don't distract you. I have this like face sensitivity. It's not rare, but I just don't want something touching my face all the time. And they have a special grip coated frame that keeps them locked in place no matter what you're doing. Running and chasing kids around the park, brunch, beach, wherever, club, other club, other club. They stay put. Everything is fully polarized with UV 400 protect on your eyes. And they actually protect you from the sun glare and I live in Australia guys. Hello. What I love most is that they are genuinely stylish. Very sleek, very cool. And if you like bold colors, why not? My daughter is obsessed with her pink ones. She takes them to show her friends all the time. That's good-ah. Ready to upgrade your eyewear to something functional, fashionable, fun and affordable. Head to go to go to go.com/beingher to claim $10 off your first order. That's go. D-R.com/beingher. I want to talk about skincare. And specifically about something that actually works differently to everything else I've ever tried. I've been using one skin for a while now and the results are genuinely surprised me. Here's what makes it different. Okay. As we age, some skin cells stop functioning in the way they should. 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Please support our show and tell them we sent you. The point number two that we need to make is the world does generally reward agreeable women. Men and women differ on different personality traits, men are less agreeable than women, but women often are rewarded when they're young for being agreeable. That means they say yes to things, that means they are not argumentative, that means they don't make their own choices, that means that they don't go out of their way to inconvenience anyone. Teachers love them, parents love them, employers love them because they'll work longer hours and they'll do anything to please partners, men love them because they're so easy to be around. She's a cool girl, you know, a pick me girl. That is that woman who abandoned herself. But somewhere around 30 baby girl, and I know if you're watching and you're like 20 and you're like what is 30? And if you're 40, you're like, oh, but I've been there already, it doesn't matter that us come together, come by our and understand that they wake up exhausted. And if this is you and you've already hit that, maybe in your mid 20s, maybe that's you now. And they think when is it going to be my turn, but the problem is you did not take your turn. Turn the taken, they are not given. Everyone is here to live as themselves and this is not a call to action to not care about anyone else. I care about my family, my children, more than anyone in the world. But I know I need to give to myself in order to give to them. I know that if I'm agreeable and I sacrifice myself, my needs and wants, what is my daughter going to look at? How can she say she would like to be like her mother and what is her mother capable of? What powers does she have? What superpowers can she give her? What can my son look at and say this is what women are? So if you think that you are winning by being agreeable, you will eventually lose and you will lose yourself. You can be kind, you can be loving. And at the same time, put yourself first and put your family first. Point three, selfless women become resentful and that in the body is the toxic thing. Shakespeare said, "The vessel that holds the poison is the one that gets poisoned, not those around it." Right? He didn't say it like that in that beautiful way that I just said it. Obviously he said it in a terrible Shakespearean way. He hasn't got the gift of the gab like me. And he doesn't understand I'm joking, I'm joking, okay? This is the part that people don't talk about. They say it's nice to be nice, you know, nice kind community, but they don't tell you about the fact that what do you do with your resentment? It will eat you up like the poison inside the vessel in which it is contained, it will erode you. If you do unpaid work, if you keep saying yes and nobody forced you, you will feel this poisonous feeling in you, a resentment of unrequited love towards yourself, of unheard wishes, and the slight but obvious lack of appreciation from those around you. Because it's not their job to carry the load of appreciating you. It's not their job to hold you up and say yes, you've done so good Maria. If sacrifice yourself for us, nobody wants to carry the burden of someone's sacrifice life. Nobody will say thank you for abandoning yourself for me. You are asking for people to value you for something that is so hard to carry themselves. Would you like somebody to sacrifice themselves for you? No, so you never ask for it and then you become resentful. And in that it makes you ugly as a person. And it ruins your body over time because it creates anger inside you. Number four, people don't respect women who don't respect themselves. People, the world, the universe, animals, children, everybody acts according to the laws of the universe, and that is how one treats themselves is how everything around that person treats them. If you continue and tell people through your actions and how you act towards yourself that your needs don't exist or they come last, they will believe you because you've trained them that that is the truth, and they will not try and stop you. Or be a hero, some people will try a little bit, but then afterwards this is self-fulfilling prophecy and they will say, "You don't matter, let us make that so." The first thing that there was when God made the world was the word, right? When you speak the word, it becomes so, hence magic, hence spells. So when you don't respect yourself and you don't put yourself first, people don't break down the wall of your self-respect and like, "No, Patricia, you've got to respect yourself. We've got to put you first, we don't have time, energy or want to do that. If you don't respect yourself and you wonder why people treat you like a doormat, that is the reason." Number five, being needed is not the same as being loved, my dear Kokabara, okay? This is very big, that many women mistake, that if they are useful, that they are loved, the dishcloth is useful, but it is not loved. Your useless chihuahua is loved, but it is not useful, it cannot do anything, it cannot perform anything for you. It is just loved, cooking, organizing, mothering, fixing, managing, that's employment baby girl, that's a job. That is not intimacy, that is not love, that is not to say you have to be useless to be loved, but that is to say that just because you are needed, because you have taken everyone else's jobs from them in order to make them like you know those mothers who make up their children's illnesses in order to be needed always. If you take away everyone's autonomy, just to be needed, because then you feel like you are loved, then you wonder why you don't feel loved. Well, dear one, I have just told you, because you are simply needed by proxy of doing everyone else's bidding, not because you are loved, and women are loved just by being, not by doing. Men feel loved from the doingness of life. I have done this, this, and this, and I've caught this fish, and then now everyone does what they respect him. That's what he wants. But women, like nature, like everything in feminine energy, is being, and therefore it is loved. Hmm? So if you've mistaken that if you put crutches on everybody in order to be needed, and then therefore you are loved, you are not. You are not. Can I tell you about something that genuinely changed how my home feels? I used to think that having a space that actually looked like me was just a budget problem, right? I just need to make more money and just be a bit more bougie. 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If you watch it on YouTube, it is soft without being flimsy. It has just the right amount of stretch without ever feeling tight. And the months of washing later, it still fits exactly the same way it did. And I don't look like a ragamuffin. That is genuine neat rare. And the cotton jersey t-shirt is the same story. It hugs in all the right places. It doesn't stretch out to lose its shape. And it just lays beautifully under everything. I am very particular about t-shirts, and this is the one I keep reaching for. Whether I'm at home, doing a suit pickup, layering it under like a blazer for an office look, Schimms cotton just works every single time. Shop Schimms cotton and all my favorite pieces at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know I sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select my show in the drop down menu. Number six, what you need to do is you need to stop auditioning. Women spend decades auditioning in this world. To be a good enough daughter, good enough mother, good enough wife, good enough friend, good enough employee. Because first we need to go boss, and then we need to not go boss, and then we need to be a home mothering because we can't put our children in daycare, but then we need to put them in daycare because we need to be a good enough boss. Everything in society and the media is predicated on the fact that you are going to want to be a good girl. A friend of mine got a job that she really, really wanted in a department of where she worked, because they said she would be better suited there. And instead of saying, oh wow, I'm so excited, I'm moving to that department. She was like, oh did I underperform in the department? I'm in. Oh my God. That is how women operate. Women always operate this way. They do it in families. If a man says, I've got the kids this Saturday, she will say, oh, but don't they want to be with me? I know shocking. It happens all the time. I see the DMs. Okay. You already have the role that you're auditioning for. You were born into it. You were born into this world as you. You have the role. No one has to give it to you. You have it. You do not have to be perfect. A peer perfect. Be a girl boss. Be a young billionaire. Forbes 30 under 30. Crunchy mom. Best employee. Self employed. No kids. You're trying to sit on too many toilets and shit at the same time, baby. You know, just do what you want to do. It's your life. You've got the role. It's okay. You've got the role. Number seven, be selfish. Ask for more. Women who ask for more get more. Promotions, raises, dates, respect, help, support, help me. Do this. I don't want a medal for doing everything myself. Women wait to be noticed. Wait to be offered help. They just wait there in the wings. Oh my God. I'm going to wait. I'm going to like me. Who cares about them? Piss off. Selfish women ask for what they want and they get what they want. They don't demand it. They say, I want to eat sushi tonight. I love it when you take me out, Richard. I would like a promotion. I've been working here for a real long time. You guys mean the world to me. Promotion, please. Okay. Guys, can you help me out? I need you to look after my children while I do this with work. Just ask, what are they going to do? Reject you. Oh my gosh. They will reject you. Big whoopty do. You know what? Let them reject you. And let's find out sooner the quality of their character. And what they have to offer you as a human being. Okay. Number eight. Point number next. Boundaries don't lose good people. Boundaries lose people who are using you. They expose people who are using you. That is the mistake you're making in your mindset. You're like, oh, I can't have boundaries. I can't tell people no. I can't say that I'm not going to put up with this. With you cheating on me. With you being last minute, with you always standing me up, with you not wanting to know if you can commit to me after 75 years of a relationship. If someone disappears because you said no, I don't want to be in a casual relationship after 10 years, then they don't like you. They don't like you. They don't attract it to you. Oh my god. They're not attracted to you. You know, men bend the universe in order to be with the woman that they're attracted to. You were just convenient. Men know a good thing when they see it. So when they see you and you're pretty good deal, and they can't find something better. Yeah, they will stick around with you. They're attached to the access that they have for you, not you as a person. Number nine, stop managing everyone else's emotions. It's not your job. Yeah, this is the biggest mistake we'll make. They're constantly asking, did I upset him? What's he thinking? Why is he looking at the window? What does he want to do this weekend? Will his mom angry? Will they think I'm rude? Will they like me? I don't care. They can again exit sideways, piss off. This isn't kindness. This is you trying to hijack someone else's emotions. That's their emotion. Why are you so intrusive? Why are you like some intrusive octopus trying to get into people's emotions? Let them feel what they're going to feel. You're actually trying to control them. That's what you don't realize. You are trying to control them because control feels like comfort because when you were young, if you could control the situation, that felt a little bit risky, a little bit woe a little bit way, you felt safe. You felt safe, okay? I think I'm spitting now. Like, Cobra, because I'm so angry. Actually, I'm not angry. I'm vibing. 10. Every successful badass woman disappoints someone. Every time. You can't simultaneously be an extraordinary, exotic, incredible creation of a human and keep everybody comfortable and happy. Are you a comfortable little dairy cow or are you a lion bitch? Are you out here like a rat? Or are you just bovine comfort creature? Someone is always going to think, oh, she's changed. She's mean, she's arrogant, she's ambitious. She thinks she's all that. Yeah, I am all that. Anna bag of chips. Move on. Okay. 11. Selfish women. Actually, give them all. That's the paradox. A woman who sleeps, exercises, prioritizes herself, has a clear mind, has a clarity to her. Can give so much more. They're a more present friend. They're a kind of mother. They are a more present person. They have better work ideas. They create businesses, employ people. This is the loop, okay? That when you become more selfish and tell everyone to jog on, because you are exhausted and your face is like a moon from cortisol, and you finally find yourself and you finally love yourself and you finally take care of yourself, you have so much more to give to everybody else. You have something left to give. You have something inspiring to give, and not like a dish rag thing to give. And point the last point I have to make, is that being selfish, becoming her, being her podcast is becoming your friend. own favorite person, okay? It's becoming your own favorite person. It's becoming a person like how you would treat your best friend, how you treat someone who really inspires you, how you would treat someone that you really adore. Like start liking yourself, start loving yourself, what are you about? What do you got to give to this world? Like you're such a juicy little buttercup. Stop melting into the background, okay? You got this. I love you lots like jelly tots. My camera's gonna finish soon so I'm gonna leave you there. It's a lot to digest. Digest it. I'll see you on the next one. Bye.