Sarah Sherman Sees Everything

(suspenseful music) - Wave. - Needle in arm. Other hand, writing down definition for prep for a doctor. Teaching basically who, by the way, who's the doctor? Who's the patient now? - Teaching a doctor who, what prep is and what gay guys are. Also, I got my chart notes back and my chart notes said, "Risky Homosexual Behavior OBS." (laughing) (upbeat music) - Today's episode is presented by, you guessed it, Intuit Turbo Tax. Now this just taxes. Sarah, how's it going girl? - You know, when we had our day together, kind of a couple days, it was kind of, that was kind of the best couple days of my life. - Do you want to tell me what couple days you're talking about? - Oh my, we'll see, you have so much fun that you don't even think about the days that we shared together. (laughing) Well, we had our, we went on a, basically, a couple's retreat. - What, oh my god. - Well, I was, yeah, I had some other stuff going on. You're talking about when. - Hi, we had a sleepover. - We had a sleepover in upstate New York. - Right, we did. - And we went to, we went to the Wax-A-Hatchy M.J. - You like can't even think of what happened because every single day is a carnival for you. (laughing) I'm like, hey, where are you in New York State? You're like, oh my god, sorry, I'm like randomly, like a globe trotting. (laughing) I'm on tour, like at a musical festival, playing a baseball game. - It was the joy of my lifetime that you came and stayed at that house with us. - That was, you made a chicken. - Did you not? - I made a chicken. You came and stayed with me and my boyfriend. We played house. - Yeah, and it was very like, you were being very aware of my disability concerning milk and dairy. And you were very, you say, hey, what are you allergic to? I'm like, I want to be honest with you. I'm Jewish, I can't do dairy. And you took that. You said, okay, I'm okay. - You also omitted an allergy. Didn't you and then it ruined my meal? (laughing) - Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, let's talk about it. I said, Sarah, we're filming the same movie. - I want to go back to when you didn't remember. (laughing) - Oh, I remember his slides and transgressions. Oh, I remember his when times you've hurt me. - And how could that have been a slide and transgression? Other than, it was like a moment of self-protection. - No, I said, Sarah, please tell me you're all of your various myriad food allergies. - He looked, he took one look at me and he goes, you look sickly, what's going on? What can you eat? - I said, I want to cook you dinner. And then I cooked this-- - And I said, well, I have sex with you for the first. - I cooked this gorgeous dinner. - It was stunning. And it was like, I like a banquet table. - Well, it was a nice house. - It was cantalant. - I'm doing okay. (laughing) - And then I go to start plating stuff. And Sarah goes, ooh, I can't have the entire salad you couldn't have. Oh, hurtful. - You know what I mean to care of you. - Can you imagine? So like, women's suffrage happens or whatever. - I knew this would come up. (laughing) - You're always talking about women's suffrage. - Oh, I mean, like, Rovey weighed like tea during on the break. So it's like, as a woman, dare I say, can I spike the camera? Can I spike the camera? - Spike them on, yeah. And as a woman, every single day you have to be like, I'm brave, I'm strong, I'm powerful. - Yeah. - And for me to admit, can you imagine having to admit to other adult human beings, I could be taken down by a carrot? - Yeah. - So I lie, I say like, I don't want to admit, I could be taken down by a carrot. I don't want, are you crying? Oh my God. - I don't do. I'm about to, because I'm so sorry I had. - No exactly. - No fucking idea. Like, this is the time I thought you were being a bitch with the whole time you were being a press. (laughing) - And if anybody wants to, like, kill me, take me down, assault me in any way, all you have to do is carrot. - No one. No one do anything with carrots to Sarah. I'm saying this now. - If I have a carrot, guess what's gonna happen? Both eyes, swollen shut. - Is it? Or something? - I don't know if it's just carrots. - It's apples, carrots. It's like, that's the, I can't even like admit it. I can come here and know that. - You're like, yeah, I don't need a apple, carrots, well. - Because, like, if I said that into, but first of all, if I let, if this was public information, and could you imagine any restaurant, there could be a spy sneaking something into my food. - Yeah, super annoyed. (laughing) - We're burning you got a food tester. Someone always with you, like, try this. Watching intensely to see if they start foaming at the mouth and die. - Hey. - I would never poison you. All I wanted to do was make you feel good and take care of you. - I know what I felt. And I was like, so when you were like, what foods can you eat? Like, for some reason, like, it's so easy for me to just be like, "Dairy, am I right, ladies?" For some reason, that's, 'cause it's kind of cool to be lactose intolerant. - Yeah, there's like a movement going on right now where people like, "Girls have tummy issues." And I'm like, "Go to the doctorate." - But, I, I fucking hate that. (laughing) - Someone with, like, rampant diaries. As someone who has basically, someone who pees out of my ass, more than I pee out of my urethra, of course. - Of course. - Serenaculture for nice to meet you. - Hey, cool. You're doing business with me. As someone who, basically, by my middle name should be Nicole, it should be IBS. As someone, as someone who is the experience of having IBS, the Hot Girls with tummy issues thing has got to stop. - I don't like the Hot Girls insert ex, like, Hot Girls for Zora. - No! - Hey, knock it off. Let's get serious, she is very serious. - We're talking about the rent. Not talking about your ass. - Yeah. - I know, 'cause that's, well, Hot Girls with IBS, well, now you're thinking about my butthole, now you're thinking about my ass. Do you see what I'm saying? - I'm not doing that. When I hear something about IBS, I'm just feeling, I'm just like, oh, damn, they can't eat all the stuff I like. - Right. - What makes me sad? - I want to say something that's like, too mean. - Say it. - Well, it's like, it's like, well, now, like, basically, now I'm just being like, Joan Diddy and now. Well, I'm like, go ahead. I can't wait, I can't wait to hear how you're being Joan Diddy. - Well, it becomes like, it becomes like, masked ED, like being like, Hot Girls with tummy issues. It's like, this used to just be the laxatives thing in the '90s. - Say that. - T. - Say that. - And as someone who, again, has more hemorrhoids than I can count. One, two, three, four million. It hurts to sit right now. I run a bad band's ass. - You got, you're infested with hemorrhoids? - Yeah. - Wait. Can I say something? - Yes. - I was on a set recently. - Hey, hey, she worked. - Working. Set. (clapping) - Woo. - I want to thank CAA, Mosaic, Jackaway Austin, the My Lawyers of F-15 names. No, I was on a set and there were actors, R-H, okay? Talking about the eat prunes regularly to give themselves a flush out so that they don't gain weight. And I said. - Hey, fat person. Hey, fat person that you're talking to. - And I'm saying, being like. - Though, like, my worst nightmare is that I would look like you. I'm like, oh. (laughing) Oh, okay. - Okay, enjoying your prunes, Granny. - I really can't believe the, you're right. It is masking ED. Joan, you said that. - You said that. - Thank you. At the first second I was like, why are you calling me Joan Diddy? - Slouching towards the toilet. Slouching towards Bethlehem. - Honestly, Joan Diddy and Bodygold. - Really? You want to look? You want to look like frail? Oh, she, has she passed? - Yes. - Has she passed? - Poor one out. I poor one out. I scoffy all over the floor. Joan. - Shout out to Joan. That makes me really sad. You know, her book fucked me up after my dad died. - Really? - Oh my gosh. Well, you read the year of magical thinking when you're in your lowest place and it really, it's there for a reason. It's there to finish the job. - Right. - That book is there to finish the job when you're not feeling well. It's, have you read it? - I haven't. - Oh my gosh. Have you lost someone dear to you? - Ridably not to brag. (laughing) Not to brag, like, nothing bad has ever happened to me. - Okay, I hope it never does. But if you lose someone dear to you, pick up that book and let it do its thing. - Wow. Okay. Should I just like read it now and just like preempt? - I really don't think so. - Right. Wait for something terrible to happen. - I think you have to lose someone dear to you. - Okay. - If it ever happens to you and I don't see anything bad ever happening to you, by the way. - You think, don't you get that from me? - That you're extremely blessed and charmed? - Yeah. - Totally. - And by the way, no one's ever complained more in their entire life. Jewish than me, of course, 100%. But it's like, I need, I need to be reminded. You're, I like that. I'm blessed and charmed. - You're extremely blessed and charmed. You got on SNL by making fun of them. (laughing) You have the coolest I remember. - That was crazy. - That was really crazy. - Yeah, totally. - I really loved it. - I wish you were in there with me. I really do. - I certainly didn't lie. - I wish you were in the, I wish you were in the charger. It's not, listen, I've, I've said goodbye to that dream a long time ago. - I think we both know my attitude would be a problem. - But that's kind of what I don't know. (laughing) - Maybe like, maybe like we're staying for a 15th hour and I'd be like, not me personally. Thank you guys. - Because I like, there's a really cool, like, Omakashi joint. (laughing) - I have to go to Omakashi. I have a reservation. I'm so sorry guys. - Well, there's a so random, I literally have a flight in the gym as well. - Lauren? (laughing) - I'm on my way to Omakashi. - What did you hear? The kill got fired 'cause he called Lauren babe. (laughing) - He called me baby and kept doing cheek kisses to him. (laughing) - Who would just be, I feel like your perspective would be interesting inside. - On Saturday night, live the television? - I just think, I would like to have like, your kind of bratty. No one's really like a brat right now. (laughing) - I don't think that's true. - And I don't mean that in a brat. - There are some brats there right now. Don't play games with me. You have to say this 'cause you work there, but let's get real. - I see them at Omakashi. - All of a sudden like a watermark, trademarked by NBC things starts like, (laughing) - Comes when that crushes you. 'Cause like pushing you into the chair. - There would have been like a reality where we're both like, oh my god, our sketches just got cut. (laughing) - I don't think I would, I wouldn't, I have so much reverence for you and why would not handle it? - You would handle it. - My attitude would be a problem. (laughing) - That's Saturday night, live the television. - You think it would be like, when you got cut, you would be like, hey. - Oh, I would totally be like, why the fuck did we, I'd be like, we're cutting that. (laughing) - I wouldn't handle it gracefully at all. I'd start doing backdoor meetings. (laughing) I'd start sabotaging people. I'd be like, you know Sarah talked shit on a long time. - You would be like, my jump in air, Ramsey impression was like, fucking flawless, perfect. - Oh god, and you know I want to play jump in air. - I just got by the way, I just got that by the way. I just, I just in a full head mind. - No, I want to play the brother. I want to play the brother denying it. I don't know, what happened to her? - He did it, he did it. - He's so scared, the brother? - You think the brother did it. - Oh, I don't think he did it. (laughs) - No, there's no way he did it. - Yeah, right, no, totally. His name's like Racks, right? (laughs) - I'm sorry, you're gonna have to forgive me. I don't know John Mane Ramsey's brother's name at the moment. Chance, what is it, tell us now? - It's a T-Rex. - A Burke, or-- - Did I fucking start her? - A Burke, it's Burke. - I got you of them. Also, John Diddy and moved on in 2021. - She was promoted to her next opportunity in the sky. - Wow, is that that type of shit you're on? That is nice. - I get increasingly mad. - I'm headed in a very annoying direction. - No, wait, we were just talking about-- - Okay, I, you cannot, here's my thing. - Tell me. - All psychics are real. - No, Sarah. - Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. - Okay, real housewives of Melbourne, Australia. - Just-- (laughing) - Me. - Yeah, I'm a woman in the house. - Oh, you heard of it? (laughing) - What, there it's like, it's like, probably, it just dropped on peacock property of NPC falls together. Okay, it's probably from like, I'm gonna say like 2012. There is a housewife on it, who is a psychic, and I am so, again, this footage is from like 15 years ago. I'm so addicted to her, and I'm like, this can't not be real. I've been watching all of her videos, 'cause she does a thing where she's like, come to my show. What's the thing, like where the medium, it's like a big show and like a big room. It's like a medium seminar. Pageant, medium, pageant. - Pageant is what I want. I don't know what it's technical, but I don't like to go with pageant. - I don't know how to do a job in a diva. - Pageant? - Domina diva? Oh my god, Domina diva, why didn't I do that? I should've already done that. - I know. - I should be on TikTok doing that right now. - Oh, okay, okay. - Wanton on the table. Do you mind if I step out of here? - You go to the bathroom. - You might have I do a front. You hear me in the bathroom? - My brother did. (laughing) - I come back out, we start the interview again. No, I don't think you do. - I'm like, okay. - But you're obsessed with this. You think this psychic is real. - 'Cause my everywhere is like, come on. You know what I mean? - Yeah. - And I'm watching the, by the way, every video has like no disrespect. I love this diva. Has like 400 light. It's not like, to me I'm like, well this should be front page news. What's going on? It has 400 lights. I'm like, maybe I should feel less bad about how all my stand-up clips have three and a half lights. Why is it so good? (laughing) - Three and a half, someone liked it, I'm liked. Wait, what is- - Someone like rested their finger on the butt. - I mean, it's a lot. - I mean, she's nice and numb. - I mean, bless her heart, she's trying. - No, she's fine. - But- - Wait, what convinced you first? What convinced you first? - This one video. - Tell me now. - Where she goes into, I'll tell. (laughing) She goes into the audience and she's like, she says a name of someone. She's like, hey, this name is coming up and a woman's like, hey, yeah, that's my son who died. And she goes, hey, he was murdered, wasn't he? And she was like, hey, yeah. And then the psychic's like, by this guy's name, right? And she's like, hey, yeah. And so you're thinking like, she could have Googled this. You know what I'm saying? - Right. - You're like, oh, she looks at all the ticket buyers. And like, this is like, page news. - That's exactly what I'm thinking of. - No, no, no, no. (laughing) No, no, no. See what they- See what they do. So that, she helped by the way of watching this. - Stop. - You're sobbing. Sarah. - Sarah. - Sarah. - See if I had some carrots, maybe I would have a wearable. - Hold on, what makes you think she's not just Googling? - So then, she goes to the morning diva, the grieving diva is sleeping next to- - No, grieving diva. - Not grieving diva. Not morning Barbie. The, oh my God, morning Barbie in a black veil would be shakest buck. Trixie Mattel, call them. - Oh my God, Shiva Barbie. - All the, all the mirrors covered. - She's just sitting in a chick, come sitting in a chair. - This is why you're doing well for yourself. It's just kind of like entrepreneurial mentality. Okay. (laughing) So. - So morning, morning diva. - She goes like, there's like a little man sitting next to her and she's like, okay, so you guys are dating and just so you know, your murdered son loves your boyfriend and she says to the boyfriend, just so you know, your dead wife loves the things you guys should be together and by the way. - I'm fucking convenient. - But how would she know that like, okay, okay, sure, she can look at the ticket holders. But how would she know that like they're dating but not married and that she has? - Sure, I do this at my show. (laughing) - Is this crowd work? - I do this is crowd work and I do it. You do it as well. You look at two people and you go clearly they're dating. Look at the way they're touching knees. - But, but, but, but, right. - And they're touching, if they're touching knees a lot, it's new. - Well, I feel like if I see someone touching knees, I go immediate to the man. I go, I'm sorry, does she have, like, do you have concept from her? Like what's going on? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like an advantage of you. (laughing) If she's bothering you, sir, you take his side automatically. (laughing) - Wait, can I say something? How hot is it when you have a crush on someone and you touch knees for the first time? - It's like, hello, zing. Electricity, electricity through the pussy. - Like, I literally could cry right now. That's so exciting. - Your clip's hard right now. - When you touch, it's like, yeah, we can, I'm sure we could fuck or whatever. But like, touching knees, are you gonna get married? - I've been thinking about this. - Yeah. What do you think? - I'm thinking for asking, I've been, and who says you're not an amazing interviewer? - I know. - There's many long reads. - Many long reads about how talentless I am, but I'm here to prove them right. - Hey! (laughing) - I famously, everyone knows, have been in a very long-term relationship. And for some reason, I'm not married. - Now, yeah. - It just never has come up. We're very busy. I'm a perpetual child. But like, it would be the best fucking party of all time. I don't know if I'm not married. - Are you guys open? - No. Do you want to know why? 'Cause I find it disgusting. - Sarah, you can't say that. If you want my audience to like you. - I just, I simply don't have the time, but would I love about all of my, my, and listen, I have friends, everybody relax. All my friends are basically open. - Yeah. - And I meet a lot of very interesting people this way, and I enjoy their openness. Unfortunately, for me, at this time, on a day like today, on a night like tonight, in this era, in this economy in 2026, it's not gonna be happening for me. - Yeah. - I barely, with all the shit. Well, I'm spending time on the, I'm at three hours a day on the toilet. Then I go to work. There's no time. - I can't imagine. By the way, can you imagine? - Well, having a casual hook up over and being like, you gotta get out of here at toilet time. It's toilet time, baby. - It's tummy time and then it's toilet time. - Tummy time, toilet time. You know I'm busy. - This way, yeah. This is on the mic. - No, please don't call that out. Please don't call that out. - I think it's from my pants, but-- - Not in the so-tru-de-o, please. Please not in the so-tru-de-o. You know it's important that you like in here. - That's huge, so-tru-de-o. - I know, we need to get a little sign. - Are you, you're an open. - I did, I've done open. - Yeah. - I am experimenting with potentially being extremely conservative again. - Yes. - In a gay way. - All right. - I think open, open. Well, here, well, let's just talk about it. - Yeah. - Open. - Is that you get to fuck a lot of people. - Right. - That's awesome. - Totally. - The downside of open is that it causes you to question everything you thought you knew to be true. - Okay. - So, so, so. - So, so you take a look and you go home. - Right. - And then yeah, there's, then you have closed, but like traditional monogamy, right? There's one thing about that is that it makes you feel extremely imprisoned, but prison is secure and safe. - Totally. And sometimes I fantasize about, you know, I would just like to be locked up for like a small amount of time where I can't do or say anything and I just have to lie down. - I see that for you. - Thank you. - I go to a hospital. Either go to a hospital or a prison for a couple days. - I probably hospital. - It is. - I think probably hospital. - You're right. - Just 'cause I don't see you committing a crime. - That's interesting. - You think I'm committing a crime? - You don't think I'm committing a crime? - I do think you're cool, but I think you're cool in a way where like you would go to the mental hospital first. - Right, thank you for saying that. And thank you for saying that. - Some of my favorite people have been in the mental hospital. - Of course, I know, when we say one, two, four hundred bisexuals who have been there. - Yeah. - They're really in there. Here's my thing about open. - Don't say it. - And again, I love all my, she's in these who are open. I love them to death. I sometimes wonder how they have a day job and that at the same time. - Well, they're not good at their day jobs. And a lot of their day jobs are fake. They're an account manager. When you're an account manager, you can make anything happen. - Yes, and by the way, when you say account manager, you say something like that and I go, well, what is that? There are so many jobs where I go, well, what is that? - Account manager and project manager are the jobs I go to when I'm like, I don't really know what that means. You make $85 to $316,000 a year to ultimately be at the park in the middle of the day. And by the way, that's one of the coolest things I've ever heard. - That was like amazing, I'm jealous. - I'm happy for you. - Of course. - Yeah. - Yeah, I just, but you've been open and you would say that it takes. You're like, well, are you either doing the relationships or doing your job? - Well, here's the thing, I've done open sexually. I'm never carrying on multiple relationships. - Right, right. - I'm in a relationship and I'm sleeping with other people. That's mostly just 'cause I'm gone all the time. And I'm like, what, gonna be not getting laid all the time? - Right. - That sucks. - That kind of your thing is you're getting laid all the time. It's like, basically before I got into the studio, I was a really swatting guy, so I was like, hey. - You know, I'm just saying if you're gone all the time, it's like, what, you're not gonna have sex? I'm not gonna have sex. What, this is like the war or something? - Right. - Like you're like waiting on me to return from war? - And I like that. I like to punish. I like to hold out. I like to, this is like, I like deprovisional mindset. 15, I thought that was all we had left. - Yeah. - I'm very, I like being strict. I don't like being fun. And I like saying so to my boyfriend, I don't care that- You'll never have sex with another woman ever again for as long as you live First I thought you're doing a peace sign. You'll never have sex with another woman for as long as you live Being cute right after Quirked up fucking quirked up white girl. You're Jewish. No And it is a disability and I'll explain It does give me ideas So I never like thought about I mean obviously I thought about how cuz I'm like Iron Maiden yeah, or whatever Of course or like or like fucking Tim Curry playing like the devil and like legend Tom Cruise is really hot that would be but like oh Actually I'm thinking about health for it. We are getting interesting today. Yeah, we'll go back to the psychic I like it. I like seeing you like this Out of my knees Well, no, not not begging for Judaism to be removed from your body. Not that part I think about hell now constantly because I think about how like every time I see an ice agent on the news I'm like, oh you're going there like hell is real and you're going there I've been saying they're randomly like in a roundabout way their mission to make everyone Christian is kind of working on me Yes, yes, because now I'm wanting hell to be real so that they have somewhere to suffer for us Yes, I'm like every single ice agent no matter why they got into it no matter which I don't care if they're just like Checking paperwork at the office. Yeah, if you work for ice when you die Right, you will burn in hell for all eternity, right? And I need to believe that so that I can believe something will happen to these fucking freaks Yeah, other than just how ugly and pathetic they are. Right, so yeah, obviously this existence is also hell for them They look like that, but I need something to happen afterwards And nobody likes them if they walk down the street and everyone goes, boo, you suck bitch They fall down and people like cheering and dropping people love them falling down Yeah, I mean, it's a totally sad existence and they're doing it all for like what a Camaro I don't I it's just like completely pathetic. I need to believe that something bad happens to them when they die right not saying they should die Right, no, I totally hope that they live their they're doing their jobs But yeah, I think when they die, they should go to hell and I've never and I think about like I know that like I've so many friends who grew up in the church I'm like grow like my you know my boyfriend grew up Catholic and so like nuns would be like Don't jerk off like you're gonna go to hell and so they grow up like being like when you grew up where you like I'm afraid of hell Yo, yeah, terrified see this and I never had this. I know Yeah, which is just like yeah, I took an intro to Judaism class in Chicago. Oh, do you know that? No Actually don't shout her out. We'll cut that out. I don't I'm not sure about her politics regarding Israel So we're actually gonna take that shout out out. I will leave that Yeah, I took a and I was so fascinated to learn I didn't grow up around any other faiths at all Yeah, I'm really curious about all of them. Yeah, and I was so fascinated to learn that you guys were just growing up without like a fear of burning Alive forever. No, I was just afraid of my mom like that's it. Yeah, oh my god She's gonna be so looking at me out of the size of rise if I do this and that was enough That was enough by the way, but I actually think I've lost some Fantasy because there's a lot of like imaginary fantasy with like being a kid being like Thinking about what hell looks like like that's basically Lord the Rings, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, like it's like I missed out on like dragons and like Jesus shooting lasers out of his eyes or whatever. Yeah, so now I'm 27 Thinking about go for sorry, just check the clock 24. Yeah, so now here at 21 years old Barely legal. I'm all of the sudden actually meditating on health for the first time in my life for real Really, because I'm thinking about these guys going there. Yeah, the big the big turn off for me on Christianity There were a little small one a bunch of little small ones, but the big one that I was like I really can't do this When I was a teenager was the idea that every other like the idea of Christianity is that every good Muslim person every good Jewish person every good Sikh person like everybody who's not Christian even if they're a phenomenal human being they all go to hell I was like this won't work. This is crazy. That makes no fucking sounds. Well, so like I would go to the hell the hell you would go to The hell with the ice agents are in and they wouldn't go to hell. They wouldn't go to hell. Oh, because they're Christian because they like Jesus some of them is that actually Christian that is Christian Yes, it's crazy. Not enough people are talking about this Christianity I forget how crazy is sometimes because my mom is one of the cool Christians that's like everybody is good We love everybody like she fucking loves trans people like right. She's like a Jesus Christian. Right. No Jesus is Yes, exactly. You know, Meg is very Meg was the first person I ever met That who was like Jesus rocks. Yes, and then I read that zealot book or whatever. I was like Oh, he's hanging out with like fucking prostitutes, and he's like a hippie He was sick. He was a sandals hippie Jesus Christ was sick his fans are weird Yes, his fans are weird as fuck. Well, we know many fandoms like this. Yeah How do you feel about your fans? Are you do you get in trouble with your publicist thought? Um, are you like is the HBO publicist in the room in the room? Well, I have a sniper rifle in the corner of the room just in case you talk bad about the company I don't have a personal publicist. I have like we work with like SNL PR and HBO PR to Tell people to be watching, you know, especially, but I don't have a personal one. Oh, yeah, you wouldn't bug it now I'm fucking out. Do it since your plugs, sir I had a special that came out on HBO a couple months after Caleb's beautiful special and it would be who if you guys Don't want to burn and fucking hell for all of eternity. How they watch it? Go watch Sarah's special on HBO Are you burning hell for eternity? Hey, click this link YouTube? We're a minute long pause of us just doing this up to the link It's on a green screen and it becomes that you add it into a jiff of us like jacking off to Yeah, this is jacking off to whatever of course Yeah, of course this is what pissing is this is why I ask if you're getting in trouble with your publicist right in general Like I feel like I'd say whatever I want all the time and I can I can feel my publicist starting to get scared of me Oh, show you be saying I remember I remember you stay saying I remember when you got you did get in trouble Did you incur the wrath of the bisexual army? I'm in trouble every week, sir Right, there's really there's I could say something so innocuous and never in a million years You think I would put a lot of I thought I was gonna get in trouble. I say these things thinking I'm fine Right, and then someone gets mad at me I can't even count the number of communities that have been upset with me But I'm like this is we're supposed to be having fun Right, we're having fun. Also like what I I'm cute. What could we even say? What would we be talking about then? Where do you want me to talk about? Snapple facts on the cap The only thing I could think of. Yeah, that's that's PG. Why don't we read the snapple? I love when you go into this. I love when you go into this this meek person. I like I like meek Sarah It's kind of who doesn't remind me of it reminds me of um, how many cricket? Well, no reminds me of like Kate Maccucci Oh Okay, you're gonna pull out of ukulele and I do us a song. I She's so cute. She's adorable. I wish I was adorable. I Look at that. You have to be small to be cute. Look at that. I will I I wish I was like 10 feet tall really that I get some fucking respect in the sound. I'm strong and handsome I wish I was cute like a tiny You're so small your small Sarah. You're cute. So look at big shoes. I wear I feel like I want I like Your shoes are big you want to be I want to be scary to people. Yeah, I want to like Lord over people and be like hey If you had a different haircut and you dressed less awesome. I know you would be so adorable coated. I know You're like to me you're like to me you're like Like this like crazy fun chick, you know, but if you had a bob You'd be like a cute little girl, you know, Bowen is obsessed when I have a bob when I go like this and a bob wig at work like Dry it drives minutes. Yeah, when I have a It would drive me wild If a woman gets a bob it's for them. It's for the gay male gaze. And what is it? Is it because they just like saying like blah No That's a drag gay guy. No, you did. He really dragged us there April 15 tax deadline is coming fast, but don't worry. 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You don't have to say me just 'cause you don't rivers. No worries. No worries. No worries. No worries at all. No worries at all. Hey, I have to go to the bathroom. Yeah, sobbing during your TikTok. You hear me in there. When your friends are huge bitch to you and you have to pretend it's a. Come back out. Let's get back to it, shall we? You're like, "Fuck, I have to make it seem like I was going to the bathroom and you're. " Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Sarah, you like that poopy girl. Sarah, you like poop stuff, right girl? It's funny that you didn't pick a gay guy though. You went for Joan Rivers. It was literally the first guy. Like you said gay guy and I went, "Joan." She's the inspiration. She's the inspiration. Who's your favorite gay guy? My favorite gay guy? Can't pick me. You can't pick you. My favorite gay guy. Oh my gosh. Bruce Vlanch. Oh, that's good. He should come on the fucking podcast. He's not a loud. Why? I don't know him. I only have people I know on the show. Is that so true? That's completely true. We have so many guests. Nobody gets. Nobody gets more annoyed than you should see the request that come in that they, people are mad at me. And you're like, "I don't know you, babe." I say, "Let's go to lunch or something first." And then they say, "It's not that serious to us." And I go, "Okay." Wait, why, why, why, why? 'Cause everybody does celebrity interviews and they're bored by that. I'm like, "Let's have an actual conversation. Let's get to know each other a little bit." But who would you like be like a breakdown of fucking barriers and be like, "I understand that you don't all on." Sorry, part of my friend. I wanted to, do you see that? You were like, "Sara speak up." Say it with your chest and I did. You did. It was beautiful the way you're acting. And if you bleep that out, you're silencing the female narrative. So you magnify it. Can you get louder? We're gonna make your burps so loud. Great. If who would you be like, "Okay, I know. We don't know each other." And you are on, like you are literally like a person that I actually came and get to know, but you can come on my podcast. I don't think there's anybody. No. I don't think there's anybody that could change. I'm not, I'm not held to any of this. What if Trump was literally like, you want, "I'll come on." Well, none of his stupid little, like, weak alpha shit would work on me. Right. Like his dumb little handshake thing where he tries to pull someone in. Right. You're not gonna pull me in. Right. Standing my ground. I'm standing. I'm standing my ground. I'm standing on business. I'm standing. It's not clocking to you, Trump. (laughing) What was the full sentence? What? What was the full sentence? It's not clocking to you, is it? It's not clocking to you that I'm standing on business. Is it? Is it? You were obsessed with this. I was. Was this when we were in New York? Yes. Yeah. I was obsessed with, is it? Business, is it? Sarah was walking around our, this little house that we had in upstate New York. Just talking to no one out loud, being like, it's not clocking to you guys. You guys aren't clocking my business. I became like a stem. Yeah. Business, is it? Is it? Sued. Like, and then, that, he-- He's attractive. He did something there, didn't he? He's attractive to me. Are you attracted to him? I need him. He is my, like, he is the same age as and looks like a little brother. So when he's on that fucking stage at the fucking Grammy's and he's fucking underwear, just like fucking like-- I want you a little brother. Got to be, well, if I'm 24, I'll do a little brother. Well, I'm just like, Justin Bieber's like in his 30s. You have a little brother in his 30s. Is he in his 30s? Justin Bieber? Isn't he like, but he's like, he's America's little prince, isn't he? For about 20 years? Sorry. So Canada. Canada's little prince. You know I discovered him. You were one of the YouTube believers? I was a believer before no one wants to talk about this. The media tries to silence me. No one does, no one does. Before Usher got there, before any record labels, I was watching him cover Brian McKnight on YouTube because I was looking at Brian McKnight back at one covers and guess who had one. Justin Bieber asked me how many views were on the video when I got there. 42. Well, like 1,000, but it's a very small number. I was watching him sing Chris Brown. Sorry, covers on YouTube before all the hitting and stuff. And I was a believer. Not many people fucking have it. Not many people have that fucking X factor. Not many people have the star power. Not many people have it. He has I'd see it. Do you have a musical talent? This comes up. This comes up at my job. Someone's like, hey, we have a song and people have to sing it. And I go, gun to head, I could do it. Yeah, because they didn't add the thing with singing. Like everyone can sing. You just don't feel like you can. Like you just don't believe her in yourself. I have the opposite thing. No, I can't, but I really think I can. I feel it. Okay, judgment free zone. Just fucking go. Just fucking go. Mm-hmm. I'll pull out my eyes are literally like-- ♪ Oh, say can you see ♪ By the way, ♪ By the dawn's early ♪ I'm like, oh, it's super early, we hit. But see, what you're hearing is like, yeah, I hit a dumb little gay guy run. I, in my ears, I'm like, that was Arita. I was doing Arita. Like, I'm like, I was on a level right there that like most people can't achieve. Right. And that's the disconnect of my kind of-- Well, not to fist your ego, but that sounded like kind of fucking amazing to me. Did it sound like Arita? No. And so that's my problem. It's I feel like I sound like Arita. And in fact, I sound like a gay guy who was like the fourth best guy in the musical theater program. That's the my issue. And this is what you were talking about. We were like, I'm not a narcissist, but I exhibit moments where it is bordering on. I have moments where I love myself a little too loudly. Hey, hey. Hey. Sometimes I think I'm Arita. Oh my god. If you go to audition for what? Just I just thought about her at Carol King's Mark Twain Prize. Let it out. Or Kennedy Center Honors. Did you ever see that? No. She comes out. No. Arita. No. She comes out. No. Berkot. No. Splinter. No. Berkot Splinter. No. No. Berkot Splinter. No. No. Berkot Splinter. No. Berkot Splinter. No. Berkot Splinter. No. Berkot Splinter. No. Berkot Splinter. No. Berkot Splinter. Yeah. No, you got it. Yeah. No, you got it. No, you got it. No, you got it. And heaven is listening to Arita. No, you got it. No, you got it. Who? Who? Who? Who? - Yeah, let's just, just light me, just fucking light me. - I'm really sorry, I didn't watch the Oscars and now I'm feeling bad, but what did someone have a vibe on there? - Barbour Streisand saying - Oh, I didn't know she did something. - In Memorial at the Oscars. - For who? - And Robert Redford. And I was so happy. - Oh, you loved it. - 'Cause it was like a jump. Like, oh, you never think like, babs singing live. When do you think that's just gonna happen? - Yeah. - So she, first of all, she gave like a 15 minute of monologue and everyone was like, "Oh, kind of, what are you talking about?" And she was at a podium that had a stationary mic. - Yeah. - And she brings out a wireless second mic. - Yes. - Stays at the podium where there's the first mic. (laughing) And fucking go sobbing, toss it, on. - Did she kill it? - I mean, you saw the Google images. You just brought up on the monitor. - I didn't see any Google images. - If you, if we put on a video right now of a woman singing that would make you sob, would it be? - Oh, right now, a woman singing that would make me sob. For the first thing I thought of was a woman. Fuck, that's embarrassing. - What was it? - It was fucking Frank Ocean covering, I'm, him singing, I miss you at the Bowry Ball Room. Cell phone footage from the audience. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Okay. - I get stoned and listen to this song sometimes and just think about what's all going on. - Wow. - And that, and that's from you. - Sob. Oh, Frank Ocean, if you can hear me, we're ready for new music. And if you need a boyfriend. - Is it Frank Ocean in the room right now? - Frank Ocean, if Frank, Frank, Frank, you want to put out music. You want to put out music. I want him to put out music. - You know what, he never entered my, kind of my, he never pierced the veil of my bubble. - I am hurt, but not surprised. - Okay, and I'll take that and I'll learn. And I'm, I'm sitting my white ass down and I'm listening. - He's, thank you. I'm putting my hair in a messy bun and I'm handling it. I'm putting on some Frank Ocean. I'm putting my hair in a messy bun. - I'm putting on my dance goes. I'm putting on my scrubs and I'm clocking into the music hospital and I'm putting my gloves on and I'm ready to learn. - I should make you a playlist. - Oh, I'll take that. - I'll make you a playlist in return. - I would love that. - You're not gonna like what you hear. - No, I will, I like that kind of stuff. - Well, you know the song that makes me cry without fail every single time. Christmas shoes. - Oh. - Sarah, that's like designed in a lab to be heard for. (laughing) - That's a course. - And it works. - Yeah. - Every single time. - Oh, the Christmas shoes, they're for Christmas. - They're for Christmas, but she can't. - But she can't. - Well, of course, they're for Christmas, but she can't. (laughing) - Oh, yeah, the Christmas shoes. Oh, God, I wish she could. Do not cry right now. You have to do four more podcasts today. Who else podcasts are you doing today? - Let me see. Bill Marr. - Yeah. - You love that guy. You guys are like always. - Going on, I'm going. - Spotted Canutling. - Yeah. - Do more. I was always catching it. I said, "Balthus Arr." Like fucking hitting the vape and going on club random. - Yeah, I saw you and Bill sharing a cigar via Corota Lisa. - We did a human centipede on at Dimes. - Yeah. - And you know, your spot, your spotted centipeding at Dimes. - What was that picture of you sitting on his lap at Corner Story? - No, I was sitting on his face as the plaza hotel. (laughing) - Yeah, so that's what you saw. - Yeah, we were in the lobby at the Bowery 69ing. - Right. - And. - Right. Oh, you must have been talking about the blurry photograph that they thought was footage of Bigfoot, but it was me and Bill Marr. Let me think of a new sex thing. - Yeah, yeah. Try to get a new sex thing for the bit. - Gaping? - Well. - It doesn't work really with the Bigfoot thing. - Right, so if someone thought they saw a Bigfoot, but it was actually just me getting out of the shower. Oh yeah, so it was paparazzi footage of-- - Paparazzi footage. - Of the one hotel. - Yeah. - And it was through the window, a picture of me getting out of the shower. - Yeah. - And they thought it was Bigfoot, my hair, he asked. - Yeah. - Okay, I got there. - Where was Bill in all this? (laughing) It's just so I'm clear. I haven't seen the images. - He was sitting in the hotel, cuck chair in a robe, penis out. - Penis out, yeah. Waiting for you to get out of the shower. He made you shower first. He said, "Sir, you're a mess." Take a shower before we do everything. - This is my podcast, I gotta watch the stank off you. - The fact that you refused to answer me. God, I wanna know what podcast you're doing. - I only know one, and I don't even wanna talk about that one. - That one, and Grace O'Malley? - I know Grace O'Malley. - And so she's, she's gonna be getting my presence as well. - Nice. - Do you think I'm a good podcast guest? - I really do, I think the world of you. - I think that you're an amazing podcast host. - You're really good at talking. - Thanks, Sarah. - It's amazing how good you are talking. - You know, I've been a fan of yours for a very long time. - He is wonderful. - Actually, you know this, but I wonder if the listeners know it, 'cause this is a part of our war. It was a very big deal for me when I got booked on your show in Chicago. - That was amazing, I remember exactly. Were you talking about footage of you at a concert? - I don't remember. - Were you a bouncer? - Oh yes, I brought that up. I was doing PowerPoints at the time. - Yes, yes, yes, yes. - We were just a PowerPoint comedy was such an era. - It was such an era. And like, by the way, people have gotten a little late. Bring the PowerPoints back. I know y'all don't wanna show up 10 minutes before sound check or whatever to do your PowerPoint. Bring those PowerPoints back out. - I did one for the first time in years. Recently, I did like a little show in LA. And I was like, I'll just throw a PowerPoint together 'cause I might kind of don't have new material at the moment. - No, I have nothing. - But I have some stuff I wanna talk about, but it's not structured as like good stand-up. So I was like, I'll do like a, basically a hacky bit. And I didn't add a fucking blast, by the way. - No, literally. - Sometimes it's fun to just have a little fun. - But I know why. Maybe Carrot Topp was onto something when he said, "Maybe I need a proper too." - Carrot Topp was completely onto something. - By the way, I saw his show recently. It's fucking amazing. - Really? - Yeah, that's why you fill out the Luxor, everything, fill out. - Fill out. - How do you fill out a nice PowerPoint? That is why the Luxor sold out every single night. 'Cause this is a fucking show. And there were new jokes that were about pop culture. - Hello. - Hello. - He's doing jokes about train dreams. (laughing) And the other Oscar contenders, did you watch train dreams? - No, should I? - Watch train dreams. Everybody watch train dreams. - Oh, shit. - I loved you. - You should've been saying this before the Oscars, girl. - Didn't get enough conversation. I don't care who wins those awards, but it got a little buried in the conversation about the other ones. On the battle after another, centers. Love them both. - Train dreams. - Train one battle after another. - You what? - You didn't love one battle after another. - I said, me on the toilet is one battle after another. - Please. - You see, you see, kind of when I-- - Oh, please. - Me with Bill Moore in the hotel room in the centers. You were talking about centers. Talk about what I'm doing with Bill at the one hotel. - Marty Supreme, you mean, no, let me get there. - Yeah, look. - Get there. - Marty Supreme. - Well, you worked that out. I'm just gonna tell the listeners, train dreams. It's Dreaming on Netflix, a company that I love, and I want y'all to check out this movie. It's really beautifully shot. It's gorgeous. Will you make Missy? - Uh-uh, by the way. - Don't talk to me with a good time. Hello, Chicago. - Hello. - Chicago. - Bring up, hello, Chicago. Shameless. - Doing like gay madlibs with Will you make Missy? - Like not having like one thing to say, but like out loud saying a train of five. - Hello, boogie nights. (laughing) Chicago, shameless. - Hey, hey, hey, send her your song to me. - No. - I, I have, okay, we just put out specials. - Wait, hold on. I wanna talk about your special. - I know. - I wanna finish shame when I was saying. - Okay. - 'Cause we got off track. - I wanna get back to the psychic. - When we weren't in Chicago, we're never getting back to the psychic. - Why don't you believe me? - I promise you. - A little bit. - Well, I'm getting something. We're never getting back to the psychic. (laughing) I, getting booked on your show was a very big deal for me. - Oh my God. I literally, you did, you were being so hilarious that I remember and it was like 10 years ago. - I was such a fan of yours then. Now I know you better. And I've learned, and I am, and I'm really, I'm really proud of you. I'm really happy, I'm really, really proud of you. I'm so glad that you're on SNL and I'm so glad that you have this new special out. And now I want you to plug it. - Okay, here's the thing. You know how, and I'm gonna take that, and I'm, and I am. - Just try to accept it. - I'm accepting, and I mean, it's a lot coming from you, and I'm serious about that, because you're one of America's funniest. If America's funniest home videos was, - There it is. - Kind of a little good, and there it is, there it is. And we got it out of earnestness, and we got it right into America's home videos. You're like, I'm gonna accept that compliment. So I was screaming out of my ass into the 20th of the other day, hating my earnest compliment. I don't care, I'm proud of you. I'm gonna make this a little bit more. - You know how people laughing, take that, but I will say, you know how people say the thing, where like, you're probably so sick of hearing this. But like, you know, and then a compliment. - Yeah. - It's like, never been sick of hearing it in my life. - Never tired of compliments, yeah. - Oh, I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sick of it. Someone said to me recently, like about this special, they were like, oh, I didn't want to tell you, 'cause I'm sure you get like 100 texts about this, but like, oh my God, it was so amazing. I'm like, you think I'm getting 100, you know what I mean? (laughing) You're like, oh, I don't want, you probably get this all the time. I don't know, I don't know, I need it, I need it. - I need it bad. - I'm bad. So even though I shirked off your compliment and kind of a ricocheted of my irony shield, though that inside the small child inside of me was savoring it. - And the adult on the outside started playing with the microphone in a way I've never seen someone. And to me, that's beautiful. And I love forcing, I love forcing my comedian friends to sit with earnestness every once in a while. - What do you think about this body language closed off? (laughing) - I think it's adorable. - And here's what I'm struggling with. - Tell me. - We put out hours. Now we have to rebuild from ground zero. - Yeah. - Tough. - Do you know how I'm approaching that? - Just wait. - Taking a long time off. - See, you giving your, you giving your, and I had a stroke, okay, no problem. You giving your self permission to do that is allowing me also to think about doing that. You're working on a show that puts out new material every single week. I think you're not there. Strangely enough, I think if you give yourself some time to rebuild the stand up, that would be more than appropriate. So you, how are you even going about thinking about rebuilding sand up? I'm not. I don't care. Oh my god. This, it'll come when it comes. It'll come when it comes when you're talking about you're, sir, you're, you're brilliant. You know what you're doing? You're going to live a life. You're going to live a life and then it's going to come to you. You get, you allow, you're such a positivity fountain. And you're, you're like, look, look at my body language. I'm crumpled up. I'm white knuckling the microphone. I'm in physical pain. And you're like, hey, hey, listen, listen, maybe I'll be in kids anymore. Maybe I'll be on a bike. Maybe I'll be there. Is that all good, girl? Are you stressed about building another hour? Yes. Certainly. What is this? What do you think it's the source of the stress just that you won't come up with it? I, I, the sort of, you know, and again, the source of the stress. I grind my teeth so hard in my waking life and sleeping life. And that's why I refer to being awake and asleep my waking. My waking life is sleeping because they're too, because I had a crazy dream last night. Yeah. I fell asleep on a park bench in Kenya and I woke up as scratches all over my back. Who did the scratches? I don't know and I don't know how I ended up in Kenya. Well, sometimes we go to Kenya and I looked at a map and I was like, "Where am I?" I'm like, "I'm in Kenya." Oh my god. Not me being in Kenya, who scratches everywhere, anything but that. I'm covered in scratches in Kenya. It's so interesting, Kenya. I'll be looking, I'll be looking this up way. Have you ever been to Kenya? No, but by my palace now includes Kenya. Yeah. Now I know there's a chamber in my mind dedicated to me being in Kenya and also being scratched, which is fascinating. And I woke up as scratched all over. You ever had your dreams analyzed? I go to a dream analyst. Okay. What do they say about this one? It's going to come up. Will you earnestly, maybe someone here with you that's watching. Maybe someone here in the room with us. Maybe someone on the other side of the curtain could remind Sara to get back to me about what the Kenya scratching dream means. I do want to hear what the analyst has to say about that. Okay. Yeah. What is the source of the anxiety about the album? So I'm always like, I like, I clench my teeth so hard that I have bone growths in my mouth from pressure. Yeah. So I'm just always stressed and anxious, but there's no reason. So it's like, I shouldn't be stressed about the new hour. You shouldn't. It's going to, you're going to have another great hour when you it's time to have another great hour. Is this like what you say? You're like, you're like, is this how like your inner monologue is? It's so amazing. What, that I just say that's why are you like this? You just had a good mom. Like, you're just so great. Well, you had a good mom. I know. But like, what is good? You're so, it's so great, I want to be where you are in your mind. I don't know. Don't you feel, I guess, I guess no, but don't, I think you should feel. I think you have every right to feel. Sure. I am surprised that you don't feel what I feel is objectively true about you, which is that you're, you have a singular voice, you're a hard worker, you're nice to people. You are, I comedically, you're like a comedic genius. I really think like the hour will come when it's supposed to come, until then we just live life. You just put out an incredible, it's an accomplishment. You should be like, at least for the next year, you should just be proud of the accomplishment of putting out that special while working on SNL, one of the most grueling work schedules in like the fucking history of television. Right. I think maybe we just give yourself some time to relax and enjoy life. You guys put me, put me up to an EKG machine, my heart explodes. I put a blood pressure on me and it explodes. Yeah. Everything just explodes. All medical equipment that touches your explodes. Right. The doctor explodes. Right. The nurse, we're going to take your rhinos explodes. Take me out to dinner first, we're going to make a nurse explode. Something like that. Maybe that's going to be the new. Making the nurse bust. Maybe that could be kind of the new hour. I told, I was getting my blood taken like last week, like she was doing the thing. She just went on. You can still see the whole, she was taking my blood and she had beautiful eyes. This nurse. And you said that. And I go, I go, do you, do people tell you a lot that you have the most stunning eyes? And she goes, yeah, I said don't be bashful while you're taking my blood, Deva took four vials, by the way. And by the way, oh, she was just enjoying it hanging out with me. But by the way, do you ever realize we were like, oh, it's been 10 seconds and four vials of blood came out? I started getting really light-headed. I was like, this shit comes out fast and why are you taking so much of it? All for an AIDS test? Please. I don't have it. Next. Next. Next. Next. By the way, I imagine her deep COVID mask on and all you had to hang your hat on with those beautiful eyes. She was doing well. She must have been pulling. She gorgeous eyes. Oh my God. And by the way, do you think anyone has ever said, like, I'm sure you're tired of hearing this. And then she goes, no, I'm not tired of. No, she loves it. She loves it. And I asked my, this is in the suburbs of Kansas City and not quite rural Missouri. But I asked my doctor. I was like, I was like, yeah, I'm thinking about getting on prep. I'm just like thinking about getting on prep. And he goes, I have never heard of that. I'm going to step out and do some research or come right back in. He stepped out. He comes back in. He goes, we can do that. He sat his white ass down. And listen to you. He sat his hair in a fucking messy bun and handled it. And then while I was getting my blood drawn country, like 14-year-old girl walking her grandma through the doctor's office, she goes, are you Caleb Heron? And I went, please, I'm a needle in my arm, blood pouring out of me. Are you Caleb Heron? By the way, carrying this country on your fucking back, needle in arm. That's their hand writing down definition for prep for a doctor. Teaching, basically, me, who, by the way, who's the doctor, who's the patient? Teaching a doctor, who, what prep is, and what gay guys are. Also, he put, also, I got my chart notes back and my chart notes said, risky homosexual behavior obese. And I said, check, check, baby. Yeah, no. That's fucking right. Check. I did, he stood on. Are you okay with that? Yes, it is, honey. Risky homosexual. Risky obese homosexual, didn't that special? Got a mammogram? Literally on the chart. What did it say? Boobs, incredibly small and dense. Well, small dense boobs, like a good biscuit. Small and dense, like a good breakfast biscuit. And by the way, you think I could go near a biscuit with a 10-foot pole girl. By the way, you think I can eat a biscuit? Think again. Oh, I want. I'll be engaged and married to the toilet if I do that. Okay, your next special is called small dense titties. Your mind is called Risky obese homosexual, Nina, Nina at HBO, Erin, Nina, Erin, give us a call. Erin, Erin, Nina. Give us a call, girls. What if my next special is just me blonde, white t-shirt, no offense, jeans? And it's just like Sarah presents, dating is kind of weird. Sarah Sherman presents Sarah on Sarah on Sarah on Sarah, the dating special inside the Sarah's. Your next special should be an exploration of normie. You should explore normie in your next special. I should. No clashing patterns, no mullet, wig, wig contour, contour down, beat the Sarah normal, Sarah normal activity. That's actually kind of interesting. I gotten so much trouble on Trix and Mattel's channel. No, no. She had me do her makeup and everyone was so mad at me that I was bad at it. Sorry. But as if I don't know how to do makeup, I'm like, I felt that people were mad at me. They thought I was trying to sabotage Trix and they go, as if she needs any help sabotaging herself. God, she's talentless and mean. She needs me to come to her makeup, badly to tank it. Once you guys learn some things about it, trust me. You'll tune out. So weird. If you did a good job. I fucking did a bad job and everyone was mad at me and the thing is, I tried. Well, you know when like, when Bobby Flay has that show where he's like, I'm going to come to your fucking hometown and I'm going to do your fucking food better than you. I'm like, dude. Okay. We believe you. We believe you. We know. You're literally fucking famous. You're Bobby Flay. You're Bobby Flay. You don't have to come into my town on the day of my daughter's wedding and do my gumbo better than me. It's rude. So imagine you went to Trix and Mattel's house on the day of her daughter's wedding and did her makeup better than her everyone would have been mad too. I know. It's crazy. You and Bobby Flay had her eyes. They thought I was going to train for it. I'm going to do like training classes on makeup to do a mentally ill homosexuals YouTube channel. Well, by the way, did you do, did you do problematic face on her? I will say the foundation was darker than it should be. Well, there you go. I wasn't trying to do black face, but we got pretty close. And I think that's beautiful. And I didn't mean to upset anyone. I'm just not very good at makeup. Oh, they were so mad that I didn't know how to do the eyebrows. Sorry. Do you, how much do you look at how people are mad online? I looked at the Trixi one because I thought people were going to be charmed by me. I went there seeking compliments. And this is how it always starts. I looked at a couple of the comments because I went there seeking compliments. Of course. You went to the hardware store for the-- I genuinely, most of the time, do not read comments because I don't care what these people have to say. But I found some people were upset with me. Right. Also, sometimes people tag me. You know when Instagram will show you stories. Oh, I see. Oh, I see. I see it all, everything. I've been seeing that shine. I've been seeing that ship big time. And they be tagging you and being like @Kaleb. Oh, people say the craziest things to me. I've been-- Even my fans. My fans talk crazy to me. Are you getting this? I-- Well, I just get people who want me dead in a ditch six feet under, writing it through. That's true. That-- the-- the-- the-- the-- the-- the-- the-- the story tagging, whatever-- God stop watching that. Literally, I-- recently, many people have been saying that my special is-- they're like, this is like so bad, it's like a Tim Robbins. in character. Shout out to him. Shout out to him. Shout out to him. Oh, they were like in the chair company, one of the characters is listening to like a really like bad radio show where like the DJ is like, fuck you, fucking bitch. And the joke is that it's bad. And to everyone's like, what is this? They're at, at Sarah, at Sarah. What is this the fucking fucking radio show from chair company? That's the big one people are saying now. Whoa. Six mentally ill guys tagging me. Me, everyone's saying that. Everyone's talking about this. Him and three other losers that want an HBO special and don't have one. Him and like three other losers was the same guy making three different accounts. But that's the big one that it's been coming to me on the this is like, what is this? I'm fucking Tim Robinson character making fun of fucking how fucking bad is this a fucking Tim Robinson characters famously doing really well. People are loving it. So even this isn't even really a drag. It's like, what is this a successful sketch from a guy who's doing pretty well? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I guess also it's like Tim Robinson is like make fun of stand-ups. No. No. Tim Robinson makes fun of the idea of being a man who's alive. I know. Pretty much. What are you writing the long read about that? Hello on packing Tim Robinson's portrayal of problematic masculinity. Well, and how it's how it's reaching the audience it's supposed to reach but not in the way. Right. Not in the way. They all they all don't understand that they're being made fun of. Right. Not in the way. Sarah, I'm so worried about your time. You have a very busy schedule today. We have two more things we have to do. What is so true to you? Didn't pray. There's something about this show. No one prepares one. No, okay. No, no, no. That dreams are really important. That is so true. Well, is that a way to say that? That's huge. We love that one. What do you mean by that? Well, it's just like, you know, some people wake up and they said I had a dream where someone scratched me all over the back. Next, I'm waking up going. I need to get to Kenya. Is that you crawling into the dream or what is what are you? Are you preparing to you preparing to give a colonoscopy to the dream? You're fishing. Oh, she's breaking me eyes. Let me try to guess what this is. Okay. She's cracking open the dream. Kind of excavating like a dinosaur. She's excavating the dream. I was kind of right. You are, you are, you are. You did good act out. You a little more. Yeah, cracking it open and then give it, get it open for me. Is that supposed to be a shovel? Very small. You're using a brush to dust off it. Yeah, let's go. Let's go. I can't speak for the rest of the podcast. That'd be actually kind of fun. Do a podcast where you can't speak. Can I say the other thing that's so true to me? You can and you have to say it right now. Okay. I want to kind of, okay, we've all been saying like boots and like house down boots. Let's start saying shoes. Shoes. Oh, my God shoes. Did that video mean a lot to you? Can she come on the podcast? Maybe if we go to lunch, we go to lunch, then she can come on. So I have a segment for you. You ready? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said is true or false. And if you get ten or more correct, Sarah, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. Actually, yes. You ready? Yeah. Put excavator. Get your brush out. Brush it off. Brush it off for me. Thank you. Are you ready? Quickly as you can. The rarest blood type is opositive. True. False. False is the most common. Arthur. Arthur the Art Mark's best friend is a rabbit named Benny. True. False. Buster. Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota. False. True. Go fund me as older than Kickstarter. True. False. Great next South High School's newspaper is called the Southerner. Yes. True. I know. I don't article for it. A lot of other SVU is older than Rachel's Eglier. - True. - True. There's zero Chuck E. Jesus left in New York City. - True. - False, there are six. Bull sharks can survive in fresh water. - True. - True. There's no NFL team in Louisiana. - True. - False, the New York Unstance. Northwestern University's mascot is Wilbur the Wildcat. - No, that's not true. - False, it's Willie the Wildcat. Willie Wonka was a real person. - Um, um, false. - False. The real Annabelle doll is a raggedy end doll. - False. - True. - The first laptop went on sale in 1981. - True. - True. There are three stops on the CTA yellow line. - False. - True. Joan Rivers was born in Germany. - No. - False, she was born in Brooklyn. - Yeah. - How'd she do? - Seven. - Oh, that's okay. - You have like a fucking stankass attitude. - You had a stankass attitude. - You're like, um, false. - You got like five wrong in a row and threw me off my-- (laughing) - I'm talking about my stankass attitude. - She's scared the fucking shit out of me. (laughing) - This mark is everywhere, uh-uh. (laughing) - The stankass attitude, me sees the stankass attitude and you, girl. ♪ The killer of me ♪ ♪ The killer of you ♪ - Oh, wait. - Wait. - We should do a musical collab. - No. - Ooh. - Okay. - We can do one of those scary bands that you like. (laughing) - Let's say that. - Like the guys that soak each other in blood. I heard somebody get on Instagram. I see something from you that I never thought I would see in my life. - Oh. - It's like you, it's like you laying on a stage, covered in fake blood with like knives in your stomach and then it's like, guys dressed as gargoyles like playing guitar. I'm like, "Oh, Sarah, got out of the house." - Bless her heart next. - No, no, I watch. Watching like, I like and subscribe, baby, I'm a fan. - Okay, ready? With the speed with which I just have to do that. - Okay. - You're auditioning for American Idol. What are you singing? - Go, go, go, go, go, go. - It's a bridge over some water. (laughing) - Bridge over some water. (laughing) I don't even think that's true. I just heard it recently. (laughing) You go, here's now, go, go, go, go, go. - Go to my Madonna. - Oh. Well, Sarah, it's so much fun to have you on. We love you, girl. Wait, plug your HBO special. Plug your special now. - Okay. - Oh, my special. - Oh, Sarah. It's a really plug it, some people. Guys, go watch Sarah's HBO special. It's out, she's brilliant. - Take a picture of the TV while you're watching it, tag @sarasquare. You suck, bitch. - Yeah, that actually be awesome. - Take me your first song in the scary band. - You suck, bitch. - Yes, suck, bitch. - That'd be really fun. Sarah, we love you. Thanks for being on. - I was all over the mic. - You gotta get out of here. I'm literally worried about your schedule. I'm worried that we're making you late. - I don't know. - Stop playing with the mic. Stop playing with the mic. Don't do that. Sarah, do not jerk off the microphone. No. Sarah, stop it. Do not make it come. - Oh, I did. - Love you, thanks for being on. - Thanks, she does it. Okay, goodbye. Imagine setting your makeup, then forgetting. It's even theirs. Meet new groupie setting mist from Mabelie, New York. Gel to mist technology locks in your look for up to 24 hours, with flexible all day comfy grip. No tightness, no stickiness, no residue. 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