Sara Al Madani: Stop Falling for “Potential” (Look for THIS Instead So You Don’t Waste Months on the Wrong Person)

This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for Sponsored Jobs. Indeed Sponsored Jobs helps find quality candidates when you need them most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. Companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com forward slash podcast. That's indeed.com forward slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed Sponsored Jobs. This episode is brought to you by Netflix's new series, East of Eden, a bold reimagining of John Steinbeck's masterpiece following generations of the Trask family through love, betrayal, and the choices that shape humanity. Starring Mike Feist and Christopher Abbott as the Trask brothers and Florence Pugh as Kathy Ames, the complex anti-heroine determined to build the life she wants, no matter the cost. Watch East of Eden now, only on Netflix. Toxic people are consistent. You know, that's the beautiful thing about them. They never change. What should be a deal breaker in dating? My BS eliminator is having that straightforward conversation from day one. And if the man runs away, he's not ready for a serious relationship. What do you think is the difference between someone who wants a relationship and someone who needs a relationship? If I need you, that means I am operating from lack. Are you what you're trying to manifest? Because you cannot attract what you're not. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to become. Happier, healthier, and more healed. Today's guest is going to dive into the topic that I know is on your hearts and minds the most. Love, dating, relationships, the part of our life that brings so much joy, but equally can create so much pain. Today's guest is someone I've been excited to have on the show. I finally have her in the hot seat. Her name is Sara Al-Madani. She's an entrepreneur, author, who transformed her own pain into powerful guidance for others. Sara is known for exposing the hidden patterns of toxic relationships. If you've ever felt confused, controlled, or disconnected from yourself, Sara will help you understand why and teach you to identify narcissistic behavior, break trauma bonds, and heal the parts of you that were taught to settle for less. If you don't follow Sara on social media already, I know you will after this episode. And if you're interested, you can grab her copy of Dear Narcissist. This is the book that I want you to go and grab. We'll put the link in the comments. And we'll be talking about it throughout the episode. Please welcome to On Purpose, Sara Al-Madani. Sara, it is great to have you here. I manifested this on my birthday. So on my birthday, I was like, I'm going to be on Jay's show. And here I am. When was your birthday? 20th of Jan. That's amazing. And that was this year you had this vision? Yeah, yeah. And everyone was like, oh, you're crazy. I'm like, no, because I'm a manifester. So I knew it was going to happen. And here it is. I love that. Well, I've wanted to have you on for a long time. I'm honored. So it just was waiting for you to manifest because I've been waiting for you to manifest. I've been wanting to have you on. I've been following you for years and I've always stopped to listen to what you have to say because I think there have been so many moments where I've just found, oh, this is the right thing to send to someone. And this is the right thing that's going to resonate with someone. And so I'm a big fan of yours and I love the work you're doing. I love the way in which you do it. You also have the coolest style. So there's so many things I want to talk about today. But the first thing I want to talk about is right now we're experiencing all of our listeners, and I'm sure you experience this. People feel lonely. They feel disconnected. They feel like they want love in their life. They want to find the right person. They want to find the right partner. What should someone be asking themselves before they start dating? It's an understatement of, we know how people say, I want this kind of guy or that kind of girl. I want to manifest this kind of love or that kind of love. The true question that a lot of people don't actually look deep into is, are you what you're trying to manifest? If you want a successful man, are you successful? If you want a kind, loving man, are you kind and loving? If you want a hardworking person, are you the things you want to get? And I think this is something that people don't pay attention to. They just don't want to put in the work. They just want to get it easy. But that's not how life works because in the end, you will attract who you are from the inside. So if you're broken, you will attract broken people. I used to think, I don't hurt anybody. I'm such a nice person. I'm making money. I'm working hard. You know, I'm a single mom. Life is great. I don't have traumas. I've been through hell and back, but I'm okay now. But I want someone good. And every time I went out there and I opened my heart, I attracted something bad. Not knowing that the reason I attracted bad things is because even though trauma sometimes is not loud, it's hiding, but it crawls around in situations and shows up as triggers or like in your decisions or choices you take. And this is where good people don't understand that even if you're good, you still need to do the work. Even if you're good, you still need to do the work. You still need to be whoever you want to attract. So I think that's something people don't want to look deep into. I really appreciate that distinction. I'd never thought about it like that. Yeah, like what you just said, that people are good people and they're wondering why bad things happen to them or why they end up with the wrong partner or the wrong person. And I couldn't agree with you more that I think that when you're doing that work, you naturally set better standards and you naturally don't deal or accept less than you deserve because if you're already happy, successful, organized, joyful, ambitious, whatever those qualities are, you know what it takes to be that. And so now when you meet someone, that person can either match your energy or they're going to show where their gap is and it becomes really relevant. Look, want comes from abundance. It means that I have nothing missing. I want you for who you are. I'm content. I'm happy. I'm fulfilled. I don't need anything from you. There's no hidden agenda. But if I need you, that means I am operating from lack. So there is a hidden agenda. It means that, OK, maybe I want to be with you because you make me happy. Maybe I want to be with you because you financially fulfill me. Maybe I want to be with you for whatever reason it is. Need is not a good reason to obtain something. I need to, I shouldn't need you. I should want you. I always try to teach people this and it's hard because we've been taught growing up that we need love and we need and we need to be in a relationship. We need kids. We need all of these things. But we actually don't. We're here to experience life. Whether love or children is part of the experience, great. Whether it's not, you should be content with yourself. Only when you're content and you don't need anybody, this is when you actually bond with someone and you purely love them. But if you need them, it's like there is always a hidden agenda. And once that need is fulfilled, you feel like you're disconnected from them because you didn't really want to be with them from the get go. You just needed something from them. So this is why I always say be whoever you want to date, be whoever you need for yourself and then go out there and get whatever you want. It's hard because we've been programmed all our life not to think like that. So imagine after 30 something years, I'm trying to change the way I think. Neuroscience, they say neuropaths can be created in 21 days. So you can, it's not impossible. We just have to remove the limiting belief. And that's the hardest part. What's a dating non-negotiable you have today that would shock your younger self? What has changed for you that you would have negotiated with before? When I was younger, and I think a lot of people will agree, I thought mysterious men were so sexy. I thought the more mystery, the more beautiful it is, the more, but now, no. If I could look at my younger self and I go like, that's unattractive. Clarity is attractive. Mystery and not understanding where you stand with someone or who they are or what they do. It's not attractive. It's actually such a turnoff because it shows you the person is not aligned and the person is not a leader and not transparent and honest. Something like if I looked at myself, every time I used to see a guy who's mysterious, I'm like, oh my God, that's so hot. Now it's like, uh-uh, biggest red flag ever. Is there a part of you that's still like. I killed every part of me that wanted that, so no. But it's important to reflect back like that because I think we can all remember a past version of ourself and how we were either trained or conditioned to be attracted to a certain type of person and how that changes over time as you grow and you mature. And that's proof of what you just said that you date who you are or who you become. Totally. Because you're saying, oh, as I've grown, my taste has changed. Yeah. I think we've all experienced that in different areas of our life that as we grew older, as we matured, as we became wiser, our taste changed in so many things. So why not in people? But it feels like we keep going back to the same people. For so many years, before doing the inner work and all that, my taste was changing as in like looks-wise, height-wise, whatever they do in life-wise, but it was still the same, in different domains. bodies. That's it. So it was the same toxic traits. I think it's because we attract what's familiar to us. They say better the devil I know than the angel I don't know, right? Because I know how to deal with the devil. I know where it ends. I know this is not forever. I know the hurt and the pain that comes with it. This is why I kept on going to what's familiar. I remember when I finished doing the inner work and finished my healing, I was like, even looking at pictures of my exes, I'm like, what was I thinking? But it's trauma bonding. So a lot of people might think, oh no, I was in love. I really love reflecting on old relationships. And I would love people to also sit and reflect on their old relationships after doing the work. Do this game where you put their names and you write why were you attracted to them and you realize where were you trauma bonding. And only when you can pinpoint these things is where you grow, Jay. Because a lot of us, we throw ourselves into healing. It's like walking into a supermarket and saying, I want to bake a cake. Can you help me? It's like, what cake do you want to bake? I need to give you the right ingredients. So when people go to do the inner work, they're like, I want to bake a cake. So when they go to do the inner work, they just throw themselves into healing, not knowing what are they healing from? Where did all this all start? What's the root of it all? So people don't go so deep. They just want to heal the surface. My last relationship, the relationship before. But all of this starts way from childhood. It doesn't start from a relationship, right? I mean, it's an entangled thing to do the inner work, but it's not easy, but it's such a fulfilling, rewarding thing to do. What's the difference in your mind between compatibility and chemistry? Chemistry is tricky because I cannot depend on chemistry because it's hormonal. It's endorphins. It's you meet somebody excitement. Last year, I learned that when you're nervous on a date or when you're feeling all these things, it's actually a red flag. It means your nervous system is not calm. It's trying to tell you something. But we, the movies and they taught us that to interpret them as butterflies and they're the right one. And that's how it should feel like. A friend of mine once told me a quote that actually, made me sit at home for hours and think about my life so much. She told me, don't look for a firecracker, look for a fireplace. Firecrackers, when you have like all these butterflies in your stomach, and that's not a good thing. You should look for a fireplace. The boring guy, the calm guy, that's your guy, you know? And it took me time to realize that. But chemistry is tricky because it might be misleading. Compatibility is more sexy for me and it's more long lasting. I treat relationships as if they were real. I treat relationships as business. So a business partner that has so much money or an investor and they have so many companies, chemistry, very attractive. But if there's no compatibility in the way we think, our ethics and morals, I'm investing my money and I'm throwing everything out down the drain because it's not going to go anywhere. It's not a good investment. I look at compatibility and if there's compatibility, chemistry can come later. I don't need to have chemistry from the get go. I don't know if you noticed, have you ever watched movies where you were like watching the main character and you're like, they don't look that good. And then halfway through the movie, you're like, oh my God, they're so hot. It's because you fell in love with the character in the movie, right? But it just shows you chemistry can be delayed. It's not a prerequisite. Yeah. I love the fireplace and firecracker analogy because I feel like it's all about the feeling you get from being in that person's presence. And when you said that, I was thinking a fireplace can actually be beautiful. It's not boring at all. And it makes you feel warm. And it has this sense that you want to be around it. And it's not boring at all. And it has this sense that if you see a nice fireplace, you usually want to go sit next to it. You have beautiful conversations while it's there. Like you're really present around a fireplace. Whereas if you think about a firecracker, you crack it for one moment, you experience it, and then it's over and it's done. Love is almost like, I want to see that person first thing in the morning. And I want to be around them at the end of the day. I want to see them when I have the best news to share. And I love that they're there for me when the worst thing's happening. And I can't wait to come home to them. And at the same time, I want to see them when I have the best news to share. At the same time, I'm really excited when I see them every day. Like it's so much more about peace and comfort and warmth, which the fireplace versus this quick big bang. No one ever says that about love. Like when you really talk about someone you love, like even if it's a family member or a friend, you don't really talk about it in that way, but we do with love. You keep talking about the inner work and you mentioned it a few times already. What is inner work? Because people throw themselves into it, as you said, on a relationship, whatever. Like also people throw that word around. We just say, oh, do the inner work. But what is inner work? The word inner work and healing is trending like kale and avocado and matcha. You know what I mean? Everybody has a tattoo of it or it's in their bio on Instagram. But as cute as it is, seeing that growing and there's like this woke culture and everybody's talking about it. It's so important to live, not to exist. And if you're not doing the inner work, you're just existing. What is the deep down inside removing all the masks that life and society and everything you went through had to put on your face and you lost your identity throughout the way. Doing the inner work is removing mask by mask, mask by mask until you finally reach who you truly are. So basically, who are you before people told you who to be, how to be or what to be? Who are you really before this conditioning? And I always say we are born with blueprints. My name is Sarah. That's my religion. This is my family. That's my country. And I'm born with blueprints. And I'm born with this is what I eat. This is wrong. This is right. So I'm born already with a blueprint. Who am I beyond that blueprint? Who am I beyond that? Yes and no. And this is wrong. And this is the curiosity I want people to have. And the only way to find the light is to clean the corridor. And if the corridor is messy and there's trauma and there's all these things, can you live a life without doing the inner work? You can. But I don't call it living. I don't call it healing. The inner work, how do you do it? It doesn't matter how you do it. Some people go to therapy. Some people do hypnotherapy. Some people do plant medicine. Some people do whatever it takes to find your way back home. And what is home? Home is you, this body, you know? I used to hear it all the time. I never understood it until I sat down and went deep spiritually. When people say we are a fragment of God, like my soul is a piece of God. Therefore, this body is a temple. I always thought it was a metaphor, a metaphor, beautiful. My God, how beautiful is this saying? Until I realized, oh crap, God does live inside this temple and this is the temple. So now I'm more careful about where I take this temple, who touches this temple, who gets in this temple, how I treat this temple, because it's like, where are you dragging God to? I want people to go deep. I want them to be curious. I want them to declutter, to remove all the darkness so they can find the light. And the light is to go back home, back home to this. And this is not a home until you remove everything that's distracting you, everything that's in the way of the light. But I cannot pinpoint one thing, Jay, and tell you this is the recipe to heal. No, whatever you're doing, as long as you're doing it, just go out there and try. I appreciate that take on inner work. It's before the world told you who you are, what you are, who are you, why you should be. And it's so true. I think about that all the time of how many of our values are adopted and inherited versus chosen. Yeah. And so many relationships don't work out because you have an inherited value and your partner has an inherited value and you both don't even care about that value, but you both believe in it because it came from each other's parents. And now here you are dealing with someone else's inherited problem. And it's almost like an inherited disease where you end up having something and now it's affecting your life today, but you didn't get to choose. But with your values, you actually get to choose. You actually get to decipher whether they exist or not. And it almost feels easier and more comfortable not to do inner work. What was the first step of inner work that you did? What did you see when you started to do it? All my life, I've been in five relationships. Two of them were marriages that didn't work out. And I was just confused. The first marriage, the second marriage, the relationship after that, and after that, I was like, there's something weird because I feel like I'm with a different man, but I feel like I'm with the same man. And I didn't understand anything about narcissism or toxic relationships. Back then, I didn't have a lot of information online and podcasts and all that and awareness. When you're curious, you go deep, like you enter the rabbit hole. And I was like, why? What's happening here? Instead of me focusing on, oh my God, they're bad. They're this pointing the finger and being a victim all the time, which a lot of us do because it's comfortable to be a victim. I didn't hurt anybody. They hurt me. Look at me. I'm the broken one. I realized being a victim does not serve me, does not make me grow, doesn't get me anywhere. And only when I started pointing the finger on myself, because it takes two to tango, where did I go wrong? What did I do? Where's my contribution to this? Because I need to grow out of this. And only then I started looking at my life differently and like looking into healing. My journey started with some therapy. I just did not like after every therapy session, the therapist was like, see you next week, see you next week, see you next week. I'm like, but I feel like I need you now. I feel like I'm depending on you. How am I learning? And I'm a stubborn personality ever since I was a kid. So I was always curious and asking questions. So I was like, why, why see you next week, see you next week. It was a bit expensive. I was young. I had my own business at that time. Insurance did not cover that. So I was like, why do I keep going back? And then I was like, okay, let me, now that the therapist pinpointed what's wrong, let me move to something else. So I went to hypnotherapy and after hypnotherapy, I went into spiritual healing and I went into meditation and I went into this and this and tried so many things. This is why I'm me which one of them worked, I tell you all. So there is no right recipe or a location map I can drop you so you can come to the healing space. It's anything you try. Anything you do for yourself is valid and can help you in some way. And once your heart is open to that topic or that journey, everything comes to you. Like people call me up, hey, you want to go to this retreat? And then this post comes online. It's like Instagram's algorithm. You know, when you go on your For You page on Instagram, if I want to know Jay, all I have to do is go on your For You page and I would know exactly what type of person you are because of the algorithm. Similar thing with the universe. Whatever you think, whatever you believe, it becomes your algorithm. You're attracted just like Instagram For You page. Once you set your goal and your mind to do the inner work, the way just shows up. Once you start walking, just the way shows up. The number one thing you said in your answer that resonated really deeply was inner work started the moment you stopped pointing the finger outwards. And took responsibility. I think that is the definition of the first phase of inner work is being able to say, this is where I'm responsible for my own pain. This is where I'm responsible for my own suffering. This is where I'm responsible for my own choices. And that's not saying you're taking the blame. I think the word blame is bad both ways. You don't want to blame anyone else, but you definitely don't want to start blaming yourself. And so when you can take responsibility and accountability, now you can actually make progress. And that's the definition of inner work. Progress. Because now you've transformed life from what you can't control to what you can control. You can control what you do and what you did and how you behave and what your beliefs are. And you can't control how someone treats you no matter how good you are. But you can decide how long you tolerate it and how long you accept it for. How does someone today set their standards? You have to first understand what are you okay with? And I think the biggest blessing in my life was not knowing what I wanted. It was knowing what I did not want. Because that gave me so much clarity. Because when you do the healing and you do the work, it's like you're meeting yourself for the first time. So I remember I took time away from people so I can get to know myself. I used to know the old me, how she reacts, how she thinks. After the healing, I'm like, okay, so what does she do now? How should she react now? So it's like a blank page. And you get to meet who you are and you get to mold her to the best version or him to the best version. I feel like boundaries and how you're going to be able to meet who you are and how you're set the tone or what's okay with you, what's not, what do you want, what's not. It all depends on you. It depends on your expectation in life. How do you value your relationship? What do you look at? What do you want the most? What is your love language? So it differs from person to another. For example, I don't think love is a feeling. Because children, when they're born, they're pure. They love everything. Animals, they love everything. They don't need you to provide to be to have a label or anything. It's like love is God's language. So we're born with it. It's natural. It's like even if I meet someone in the street, I don't need to know you to love you. I love you on a certain level, right? But for me, love in a relationship is a decision. It's a decision to stick to the person, whether things get hard or not. That's why they say in sickness and health and rich and poor, all these things, because it's a decision. If I decide to be with want or not, I have to stick to my decision. Similar to if I invest in a business. I cannot right now as a CEO and an investor say, I don't feel like going to work today. You can't. You don't show up, it dies. You don't show up, people vote you out. You don't show up, things don't work out. Similar to how you feed energy into a business, marriage, relationship is a business. If you don't show up every day, it's not going to work. It's like bread. You have to bake it fresh every morning. Otherwise, it's not going to work. And people feel so comfortable in a relationship. They feel like, okay, once I got the kids, once I got married, I don't need to put the work. And then they complain, oh, what's the secret to a long relationship? How come your marriage is working and mine is not? It's because George, Jenna, the same amount of energy you put into your business, into your work, put it into your relationship. It's as simple as that. It's an investment. It's definitely a decision because emotions go up and down. Like, have you ever felt like, you know, you love your parents to death, right? But sometimes you feel you can't stand them. You just want to, mom, get away from me, mom. You know, not today. But I love her. Which means if my relationship depends on my feelings, one day I'm up, one day I'm down, it fluctuates. Emotions are unsteady. But if I made the decision, whether I'm feeling it or not, I will show up because I made that decision. So love is a decision. It's beyond an emotion. This episode is brought to you by Netflix's new series, East of Eden. A bold reimagining of John Steinbeck's masterpiece following generations of the Trask family through love, betrayal, and the choices that shape humanity. Ugh, I hate Mondays. King's Hawaiian cinnamon swirl bite? Uh, Taylor Hanson? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm. Hey, let's get back to work, please. But Taylor Hanson's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites. Taylor Hanson? Nice. Try one. Mmm. King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites. There's nothing like it. Close your eyes, exhale, feel your body relax, and let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-CONTACTS. Oh my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-CONTACTS.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-CONTACTS. I feel like people have deal breakers in dating right now. Yeah. What do you think is a healthy way of knowing what a deal breaker is? Or what is a deal breaker in dating? A deal breaker? Okay, let me explain to you how I date first. Yes, I want to know. From the get-go, I sit down, I do not waste your time or mine out of respect for both, right? So I'll sit with the guy and I'll be very honest. I say, listen, I'm 40 next year, okay? I don't have time. I've been married twice. I'm a single mom. I want to settle down. I don't know how long I'm fertile for, okay? So I want to start a family. What do you want? And the thing is, a lot of men run away because they think I'm saying, I want that with you. No, no, no. I don't want that with you. I just met you. I want that in the future, whether it's with you or with someone else. So my BS, Eliminator, is having that straightforward conversation from day one, you know? And if the man runs away, then he's a boy. He's not ready for a serious relationship. Because even if he didn't want this, you can still sit and have an honest conversation about it, right? If he sits and talks about it, I'm like, okay, there's potential there. He's mature enough to hold a heavy conversation like this. I believe in honesty from the get-go. I believe in transparency. I don't believe in wasting your time or mine, three, four, five dates, dinners and all that. Why? Am I going through all of this? The only thing I can't take back is time. And because I have respect for the person in front of me, whether I'm interested in them or not, as a human being, I respect them. I am being honest to respect them in return as well. And if that works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But for me, deal breakers in a relationship is, for example, on a date, a guy who doesn't want to have a serious conversation, an honest conversation, that's a deal breaker. Someone who is, for me, someone who's comfortable and not ambitious is a huge deal breaker. Someone who is in their toxic masculine, as in like, they want to show off. They want to put their voice louder. They want to treat people bad just to be more masculine, but on the toxic side. And, you know, toxic masculinity, you can smell it, you know, day one. And then narcissistic people. Like, this is like my, I think. How do you know that though? How do you? Easy. Oh, go on. First of all, it's the eyes. Narcissists have one thing in their eyes. It's undeniable. I don't know if you've ever been with a narcissist or had a friend that's a narcissist. It's like their eyes give it away. Interesting. I'm going to give you a theory that I talk about in my book. I'm not sure if it's real or not, but somehow deep down inside of me, I'm so convinced it's true. Do you believe that we live in a simulator, right? That's an interesting take. I mean, not a simulator. This is an experience. Yes. Okay. Let's put it this way. We can name it anything. Okay. In the simulator, how does it get more interesting? How do I learn if everyone's good, if everyone's life is easy and all that? So I feel like just like when I'm playing PlayStation, you know, have you ever played like, for example, Grand Theft Auto? You've seen the NPCs around. They're real people, but they're not real people. They're just bodies to distract you, to make the game more interesting for you. Looking into a narcissist's eyes. Okay. It's like looking at NPCs. I feel like they're not human. I feel like they're NPCs. I just bodies put on earth to make the experience harder so you can learn more. But they're not real. I don't know. Like, I bet you anything, anyone listening to this, they go like, oh my God, yes, that's so true. They're dead inside. There's no soul inside of them. There's no empathy. There's no soul. There's nothing. Even their brain scans are different. Like, it's like, I feel like they're not real. I feel like they're just here as obstacles for us to grow and learn. I mean, that's, that's my theory. No, I love it. I love the theory about obstacles to learn. It's just, I've never heard someone say it. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's the first time for everything. Yeah, it's amazing. But also an easy giveaway is their behavior, their body language. But for me, the first thing is the eye. Sometimes even the shape of the eye. For example, if the pupil's too small, so the space between the white space is too big, it can also be like a dead eye, a narcissistic dead eye. So you're just there staring at people's eyes trying to figure them out. I don't need to stare. You know what's crazy? I smell them when they're sitting somewhere. I think I've done so much research and been through so much that I've like aced it. I can usually tell how I feel about someone's energy from the words they use and how they speak. That can give away. That's usually for me. Like as someone who I consider myself quite intuitive and I feel like when I sit with someone, I can very quickly figure out how I feel about their energy. And, but to me, a lot of it's based on words we use, the things we talk about, how people, you know, and so I'm using a lot more information, that they're giving me. And, and then there's a general body. I agree with you on like body language, body posture, all of that kind of stuff as well, which is. Next time, look at the eyes, Jay. I will. Now I'm going to say I've never tested that before. So today you help people with dating. You've written a book called Dear Narcissist. Like you're talking to people about their relationship. You talk to people about inner work. How did you know in both your marriages, it was time to leave? When it's abusive physically, mentally, emotionally. Sorry to hear that. Yeah. You go through that and you tolerate it for a while. One day you wake up and you're like, what's going on? Like, what the hell is this? This is not okay. This is not what life is about. And then you look at, at the relationships around you and you're like, no, no, something is off. This became the norm. But then one day you'd wake up and say, no, this still doesn't feel normal. Although it happens every day. I had to put my ego aside to understand the whole situation. Why do I say ego? Because in our culture, in our upbringing, you know how they say divorce is not the best thing, right? It's frowned upon. Even if I'm from the Middle East, even in the West, it's frowned upon. So people stick in marriages and relationships because they fear what the outside would say about them. Oh, she failed in the relationship. And, you know, sadly, women get the blame most of the time. My ego made me stay longer than I should because I was like, what will the family say? What will the people say? And then especially in the second marriage, when the same story started happening all over again, I was like, oh my God, what do I do now? Do I get divorced? And people say she's done it twice. My ego was not my amigo at that time. And it made me stay longer than I should. Did you stay longer in the first one or the second one? First one. Yeah. Second one was nine months, which is great because I already started doing some inner work. But the first one was almost dating and marriage 13 years. It's heartbreaking because I think also there's the ego part, but then it also seems like there's the part of not falling in love. There's the part of not falling in love. There's the part of not feeling worthy of more. Yeah, that's there, too. There's the ego of what will people say? But you're basically saying I would rather accept this than people saying bad things about me. Yeah, that was also my case. It's like a people pleaser. You know, I just want to be loved by everybody and chosen by everybody. I want everyone to see me in the best image ever. But that's zero authenticity. Yes, I did this because I wanted to make sure everyone is OK. And then I realized that everyone was OK except me. And this is when I was like, no, some people, they don't mind having a war internally to maintain the peace on the outside, you know, and I don't want that. I used to go home, have a war internally every day. But on the outside, I maintain the peace. Now it's the complete opposite. I'd rather burn everything around as long as I have inner peace. But all of that. Why didn't you walk away? Why did you care about what people say? Your ego, blah, blah. All of this comes to one conclusion. Self-love. If I loved myself, if I respected myself, I would have never been in those marriages. I would have never been in these relationships. But at the same time, I'm so grateful and thankful because they were my teachers as well. Whoever hurt me was my master, was my teacher. And I have a beautiful son that came out of it. If you ever tell me if I give you a magic wand and I'll take you back and you can rewrite your story, I would rewrite it the same exact story all over again. I would not even change one inch of it because then I wouldn't be sitting right here in front of you. So I am the woman I am today because of what I went through. There's a quote that I love so much. It says, you cannot break someone who sees beauty in everything, even pain. So a lot of people think they broke you. But for me, pain is a teacher. It either makes you bitter or better. So you can't break me if I find beauty even in the ugliest, darkest places. That's what I live by every day. And darkness is where everything starts. A baby in the womb, a seed underground. It all starts in darkness. So instead of people thinking, oh my God, we got the best of her. No, you created the best of me. Alchemy. I'll take whatever you gave me and I'll create something way more beautiful for the world. What's your message to men and women who are in toxic relationships right now? My message is that I've been there and I know it's not easy to leave. I know it's not easy to leave. I know there's a cloud on top of your head and no matter what we tell you, you're not going to listen. And sometimes the best gift you can give someone is to let them suffer so they can learn. But if I can give you any piece of advice is that remaining in that toxic relationship or remaining in that place is slowly killing you day by day. You're losing yourself. Let's say you're going to live until you're 70. We're talking about 70 winters, 70 summers, 70 autumns. That's not a lot. Every single day wasted is a day wasted. You are deserving of a new story. You are deserving of rewriting your story. You are the captain of the ship. You are the director of the movie. Rewrite your story. The endings, like people are always scared of ending things, you know, but endings are so beautiful because it's an opportunity to start something completely new. And I want them not to be scared of going out there and fighting for the life they deserve instead of sitting behind a window and watching their life pass by. I wish, I wish, I wish. What if I? Why? Why what if? Just go out there and do it. It will upset and piss a lot of people off when you live your life the way you want. But guess what? You're not here to please anybody. You're not here. You weren't born with a permission slip that needs a signature. You don't need this or that or him or her to approve anything. The only approval, the only signature you need is from yourself. So the thing is, a lot of people want to be free, but they don't understand that freedom is freeing the mind. And if you're free, you're free to do whatever you want. And if you're free, you're free. And what they also don't understand that the key to that cage is in their hand. They're always waiting for others to open it for them. No, go out there, rewrite your story. I have a sister and a brother and my sister's not married. My brother just got married and I was sitting with my mom and I said, mom, I'm thinking of getting married again. She's like, don't you ever dare to even say that two weddings is more than enough. Your sister's not even married. You have cousins that are not even married. Stop it. Leave the man alone. In her mind, God bless her soul. She, based on culture and all that and everything. She's like, you've done it twice. You make money, go live your life with your kid now. But I don't want to live my life the way my mom expects me to live or my society expects me to live. If I have to get married 10 times and get divorced, so be it. And I always tell my parents, when I die and somebody takes my story and wants to make it a movie, it has to be a freaking good movie. That's why I'm going to keep rewriting my story over and over again. So my advice is that to anyone that's in a toxic relationship, I dare you to go out there. I dare you to experience. I dare you to have the balls and the guts to say I'm worthy of something more than the breadcrumbs or whatever I'm getting. You deserve not to be hit. You deserve to be respected. You deserve flowers in the morning. You deserve the bare minimum that you beg for. You deserve this on a daily base. My advice is just this for them. Just go out there. Have the courage to live life and not just to exist. How did you find that strength when you're in that painful position? Because when you're on the receiving end of any form of abuse, you feel like you're weakest. Because not only is that person beating you up, sadly, but there's also you beating yourself up for accepting that. What did you do? And what have you helped others do? Find that courage and give themselves that permission in that moment when it feels like it's impossible. The anger when I was doing the way bigger than the anger towards them, because toxic people are consistent. They're shitty and they're shitty all the time. They never change. They show you who they really are. You're the one that's agreeing to stay. So the anger towards self, because I'm in this situation, I'm agreeing to stay and all that. That is what takes a toll on your body. You asked, how did I manage to rise from all of that and everything? You know, rock bottom, rock bottom has a basement. Have you ever heard of it? People think, rock bottom is the end. There's a basement down there. Every pain, every heartbreak, every every agony is an opportunity for you to meet God. That's where I met God, not in rock bottom, in the basement of rock bottom. These hardships are an opportunity for you to meet God. And when I met God and fixed my relationship with God and got closer and understood that relationship, then my self-love journey started. A lot of people, they remember God when they are in a bad situation. When they're in a good situation, they forget him, right? Or for example, if anything goes wrong, God, why are you doing this to me? No, Martha, you chose George who was toxic. He beat you up day one. You stayed. God has nothing to do with it. We tend to hang our mistakes on God and say, call it fate. And this is what happens when you don't do the inner work. You will choose bad, you'll go through bad things, and you always end up labeling them as fate. Oh God, oh fate, or that's my destiny. It's not your destiny. You wrote this destiny. You chose this. You're the author. You're the participant. You're all of that. This is how I got out of it, is when I met God and rock bottom. And I felt that deep love. Although I was in a bad situation, I felt so much love. And then I realized that I have to give that love to myself before trading it and giving it to others. And the reason why I was always broken is because I gave it to others before giving it to myself. I'm an empath, but this is where empathy becomes toxic. You become a toxic empath. I love using this word with a lot of the people that I coach and all that. I say, an empath without boundaries is like a house with no doors. Imagine just an opening without a door. Would you stay in this house? No, definitely not. Would you buy this house? Would you stay for long? No. No, it's unsafe, right? So people who are full of empathy but have no boundaries are not safe. That's why nobody stays with them. That's why no matter how much they give, people leave. Because they can't even put it in words. People just can't stay. You know, only when you build that door, not a wall, because a lot of people build walls, but walls, they stop bad things and good things. Build a door, open it for good, close it for bad. Build a door, protect yourself, protect what's in the house. If somebody enters that house, make them feel like they're safe. Show them your leadership skills and the decisions you take in life so they can trust your leading. All these things are just important. Yeah. You were saying that you coach people today. What are the most common things people come to you with? Like, what's the thing you hear the most? Either like love interest, or childhood trauma. The thing is, I'm an awakening coach. So what I do is I awaken your senses, your spirit, your healing abilities. I teach you. And then I ask you to never come back to me again. Because if you keep coming back, I'm failing. Like, this is not how it should work. I think what triggered that is my therapist. Remember how I told you at the beginning, she's like, come back next week, come back next week. And I always tell my patients, don't come back. If you come back to me, that means I'm not doing something right. It's just you awaken to show them their true powers because they should not depend on anybody. They are the healer. They are the teacher. They're the master. They're everything. But they just don't know that. You just need to show them their own powers. You know, we use the power of meditation, immersive experience, using sound, using vibration to show them their power. And it works most of the time. So yeah, that's how we teach them. Starring Mike Feist and Christopher Abbott as the Trask brothers, and Florence Pugh as Kathy Ames, the complex anti-heroine determined to build the life she wants, no matter the cost. Exhale, feel your body relax, and let go of whatever you're carrying today. And breathe. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Namaste. 1-800-CONTACTS. Ugh, I hate it. Mondays. Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm. But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. Taylor Hansen? Nice. Try one. Mmm. You talked about meeting God in the basement of Rock Bottom, and that was the empowerment that you needed in order to get out of that space. What was that journey like for you? Like, talk to me about what it looked like to build a relationship with God that gave you that strength. The relationship with God was, number one, to stop blaming God for everything. I have a free will, you know? And if you have a free will, a free will doesn't come with a but. God can't say, I give you a free will, but I will do this. Free will. Your choice, your decision, your life, everything. However, our choices sometimes are pre-chosen for us because I cannot choose my parents, right? So I came through the parents. The parents have the trauma. They pass the trauma. They pass this, the upbringing, the teachings, and all that. So I am part of a cycle. You know, it's like I enter the game. I'm already, like, part of the whole game. So fixing the relationship with God is understanding that I cannot blame God for everything bad that happens, but I should have gratitude for God for everything good that happens because without Him accepting and seeing how hard I'm working, I wouldn't have gotten that blessing. So understanding that God is not angry. God is not waiting to punish anybody. God is full of love. We are all His children. There's no segregation between who we are. He sees us. He sees us as one. Once you remove these doubts from the image people created about God, once you remove that and you look at the divine part of who God is and how unconditional His love is, it rubs on you. You have no choice but to start loving yourself because you are a fragment of Him. And if you love Him, He is inside of you. Your soul is a piece of Him. You have no choice but to start respecting and practicing self-love. That was my biggest lesson ever. Just fixing my relationship with God. Fix my relationship with work, with family, with everything around me. Because if you have an idea of the Creator, guess what? That idea imprints on everything in life. If God punishes, how can I trust Him? How can I trust Her? If God is angry, of course they're angry. Of course He's beating her up. God also punishes. So it's like understanding that I fear God. Yes, I have respect for God. If I do wrong, karma will serve me as well. Understanding the game of the universe and how to deal with it. Understanding how life works is also important. But at the same time, I am the author of my karma. I cannot say, oh, why is this happening to me? I have to reflect on what I've done in the past that this is happening to me. I feel like out of everything in the universe that I've learned about how it works and all that, karma is the most fascinating one, you know? Because there is no one sitting there just watching and pressing the button for karma. It's an algorithm. You know, you do good, you get good. You do bad, you get bad. You know how everyone says karma is a bee, right? I don't think karma is a bee. I think karma is very intricate. She's very smart. She's very eloquent. She knows when to come. And karma does not fold the sheet of the table when it's empty. It pulls it when the table is full. Sometimes it delays the response. It takes time. But I love the system of karma that we have. And it just shows you how balanced and how fair God is. Because you're the author. You give, you get. Fixing that relationship. Understanding how God works. And building that love. Just you have no choice but to love yourself. That's it. As simple as that. That's beautiful. I love that. I want to put you into some scenarios. These are people that I know right now dealing with dating challenges. So I'm going to ask you their scenarios. I have a friend who, she was seeing this guy. They really hit it off. Sparks, chemistry, everything. They're seeing each other every day for three months. And then all of a sudden he goes cold. Doesn't want to continue to see her. And she's trying to figure out what's going on. And then a month later, he's just not interested anymore. No big breakup. No big message. No big reason. No cheating. No nothing. It's just, I'm not ready for a real relationship right now. But three months of seeing each other every day. Amazing relationship. Great dinners. Great meals. All the rest of it. Sounds like love bombing. Okay. And I'm not going to say he's a narcissist. But narcissists do that for three months. They have to act. Pretend to be a role. Sometimes. Three months. Some of them are so good they can do it six months. I don't know if he's a narcissist or not. But it looks like he was love bombing her. Let's remove the narcissism out of the equation. Okay. Let's just talk human language now. If he ghosts you, then act like you don't see him. Because ghosts are things you don't see. Okay. So pretend like he doesn't exist. Because he just walked away after sparking your interest. I feel like it's very disrespectful when a man awakens something in a woman and suddenly decides to just disappear. Okay. To me, it's so unattractive. That I wouldn't even cry about it. Like, I don't cry over spilled milk. If he's gone, he's gone. You're aware that. of much more and thank god it's three months imagine if it happened in three years at least you're protected you're saved the language you use is so interesting when you said when man or even in any situation awakens something in someone else and i think that's the painful bit it is like even the language you used i was like yeah that's what's so painful for this person it's they felt this like generation of energy that was so exciting to them yeah they weren't even saying forever they were just excited about the next few steps with this person but i'm pretty sure if you had a conversation with her not now maybe in two three months and you ask her did you see any red flags from the beginning there was red flags but guess what they were blurred with the chemistry this is why chemistry is very tricky what are the red flags we miss for example if you meet someone and from the get-go they're like oh my god i want to marry you you're the love of my life it's like bro you don't even know my middle name you don't even know what i like to eat you you don't even know how do i handle stress what if i'm evil you don't know anything about me i feel like when people push too much it is sexy it is exciting it makes you feel wanted and it's so beautiful if a man doesn't push and takes it easy we feel like what's wrong with him why is he pushing faster but it's healthy to not push fast it's healthy to take it step by step it's healthy to take the time as a man and a woman to look into things and not rush but this sounds very rushing and also my advice to that girl is that you see that rush the guy gave her at the beginning she should have that rush with herself she shouldn't need a guy to give her that i think she was just in love with the version of her that he brought out and that version should exist anyways without him but in the end of the day if he goes to we can't see ghosts so pretend like he doesn't even exist that's it that's it i love that yeah i mean i've always said i'm like don't fall in love too fast it's so easy to fall in love really really fast and speed things up and you have no idea what this person's history is and you're planning a future you have no idea what this person did yesterday and you're already excited for tomorrow and you get lost in this vision and imagination that you built over having a tiny bit of information with them and yeah you just shouldn't fall in love too fast it's scary and crazy to do that another mistake we do is we romanticize potential tell me about that it's like you look at a guy and you tell your friend hey maybe you know if he works harder he'll be somebody maybe if he does this he'll do that maybe maybe maybe maybe you're romanticizing potential can you look at who's in front of you and be with the person in front of you because that's who you're getting the potential is beautiful you're looking at it he might never reach it it's false hope you're feeding yourself false information my only advice for this is look at the person and believe what they say and who they say they are as simple as that i have this very interesting approach where we're constantly like oh yeah i love everything about them apart from this one thing i wish they'd just work on this and there's a part of us that's well intentioned because we're like oh we see this potential we see this growth but really what we're saying is i don't like them how they are let's drop the bs let's just say it as if no one's listening i wish i can change them yeah that's the first thing you're saying i'm walking to this relationship i want to change them i want to make them the way i am because that makes me happy first of all selfish wrong intention intention the intention day one is to change somebody and that's not what it should look like it should be accepting someone it should be loving them for who they are accepting them for who they are actually what makes relationships interesting is the differences we have between us we should celebrate the differences not dim each other's differences and try to pull each other on each other's side like come to my side no in relationship both couple have to work together to be the best version of themselves so obviously i'm not going to change them i'm going to change them i'm going to we're expecting growth i expect you you expect me in a relationship to grow it's as simple as that even trees grow like we have to grow but to go in and say oh my god she wears a lot of short clothes she clubs i'ma change all of that why leave her for a man that loves her for who she is if your intention is to change day one wrong relationship to walk in it's as simple as that i completely agree i also think that the people who end up changing people it happens by example not by what they say totally and i've transformed my life so much by watching my wife's habits as opposed to her telling me to do those things because i'm so inspired by the fact that she's committed to certain habits like i've seen her eat healthy workout whatever it may be and i've learned so much just by watching her where she's not telling me to do those things and i always feel example is the best most attractive thing if someone just does the right thing without making them look like the right person totally it's the most attractive thing in the world because you're like well you just do that because you see the value in it you're not trying to get the value of what people think of you or how i perceive you you're not trying to impress anyone you do it because that's your commitment to it and that's even more attractive because you don't see that that much anymore this is the way children are as well children they don't understand by what you say no matter how much you sit and scream and tell them they watch how you do and they they become yeah i think all of us humans were like that if people tell us we become stubborn and we fight back and we we're bit resistant we want to remain authentic to our personality but when you watch something and you watch how much value it brings to someone's life you slowly you know join them yeah whenever anyone asks me like how do i change my partner my honest advice is just do the thing if you do the thing they'll do it over time because they'll see the value if it's that valuable do people change i believe people change but at the same time i don't believe it's my responsibility to give enough changes like it's not my job to wait on someone to change because what if they don't you know so there is a chance there right and i'm not willing to take a risk for example let's say i'm 39 now i'm turning 40 next year and i'm with this guy and he's not even sure if he wants to be in a relationship or have kids or he's like let's take it step by step but i might not be fertile two years from now i could have been with someone else who's ready and had a family right when you are with somebody and they there is like promises and all that there is a risk how much value do you have risk are you willing to take and for how long it's not wrong if i say i'm sorry i cannot be with you because i'm in a hurry for something else it doesn't make me a bad person it makes me a very honest person and i'm saving you and myself time so i i just love genuine open conversations i think people change a lot i think people don't change for you and they don't change for me like they change when they want to change and if someone's changing just for you then they'll change back as quickly i think the fear people have is oh gosh i'm gonna get that person to change and then they're gonna change for the next person and they're gonna be so good for the next person and not for me okay if i was with a guy and i've changed him and i knew there was a chance he might be better for someone else if i love someone i want the best for them and if the best for them is not with me you're very pragmatic that's sorry that's like yeah look okay your team here that works for you aren't you training them to be the best yeah for sure for one day they might leave for sure do a better job than what you do right for sure you don't mind that no i don't mind because that's leadership yeah why does leadership disappear in relationships yeah it's so true i want to teach my partner i want to make him the best that even if he ends up with someone else as long as he's happy i'm okay i think that's the hardest thing in relationships because i think and you're so right the the business analogy makes perfect sense there's a i can't remember it's one of these old stories but they asked the ceo like you know so you're going to invest in people's training you're going to spend all this money on training and you're going to invest in people's money on them what if they leave and his response is well what if i don't train them and they stay and he's like that'll be even worse like if they never get better and they still work in my company it's the worst bet and i think that's the idea that if you're not investing in your relationship getting better you end up staying with someone who is just that you're stuck with exactly even if they're not the right person but also this idea of forever is such a scam because nothing is forever i will die we will die everyone's gonna die nothing lasts forever and i think that's the truth and and people mistaken love with possession like they think if i love someone i need to own them they're mine oh nobody can have them that's wrong love should set you free think of it as raising a kid if your mom was let's say so controlling because she wants to protect you overprotective and all that the kid gets sick they want to run away every now and then so the more you are treating emotions as possessions and people as possessions the more they want to leave because love is freedom love is guiding them to be better even if they don't end up with you and it's completely fine you were saying before that self-love is at the root of all of this for someone who's listening right now and they feel they have low confidence low self-worth what would you encourage them to do self-love doesn't just disappear out of the blue you're not born not loving yourself it's a conditioning that happens from childhood whether you had siblings your parents were not fair or they didn't show you affection or love or whatever it is there's so many reasons for self-love to be better and love to disappear and a lot of people mistaken self-love by other things for example i have a friend who she's like she travels first class she buys the most expensive things her house is great cars are great life is expensive and she always feels empty and she always says the same thing she's like i love myself so much i don't know why i feel empty because people mistaken this 3d experience which is buying the things and the house would great well there's nothing wrong with that but that's not what self-love is it's not what self-love is it's not what self-love is it's not what self-love is that's not the end goal because when you die nothing goes with you right otherwise why doesn't the the g-class go to go to heaven or wherever we're going, right? The point is that a lot of people think that just because I go to the gym, I color my hair, I do the surgeries, I look good, I love myself. No, this is all external fun things to do. But self-love is saying no. Self-love is boundaries. Self-love is putting yourself first. Self-love is wearing the mask first on the airplane before putting it on others. Self-love is not explaining yourself as being authentic, regardless of how people perceive you. Self-love is being honest, no matter what the outcome of the truth is. There are so many things to self-love, and the only way to obtain it is to go back to the day where it was stripped away from you, and you were told you were not enough. Was it when you're four, when your dad was screaming at you? Was it when you're three, when your mom was upset with you? Was it your uncle? It all starts from childhood. In science, they say your personality is created from the age of zero to eight. So that's where your personality is created. So whatever happens at that time, trauma-wise, all that and everything, it affects you throughout the long run. For example, me, I dropped university, okay, because I had a business at the age of 15. So my father was like, oh, no, you have to go to university, you can't do this. And I was studying film, and I wasn't even studying physics, you know, I was studying film and directing and acting. But at the same time, I had a business, I had staff, I had to take care of, so I had to make a decision, either this life or that life, and I dropped university. Which upset my dad so much. One day, my dad was sitting down, and when he found out that I dropped university, out of love, imagine, he's not even saying it out of spite, because my dad's my best friend. He said, Baba, without this paper, you're not going to go anywhere in life. No one's going to accept you without this degree. No one's going to take you, it's not going to work. However, I was sitting down, and I remember my reaction was like, oh, no, let me show you what I'm going to do, yada, yada, yada, yada. But when I went home, and I slept, the child in me, the subconscious mind, started taking these words my dad said, and they were fermenting in my head, you know? You're not worthy, you're not worthy. My dad, my best friend, said that to me. And ever since, I started making choices based on I'm not good enough. I'm not going to be good enough. No one's going to notice me. No one's going to do this. And I stayed for so many years, rebelling to prove that I can do it. Although I've done it, I did it. I became successful. Yet years later, I was still proving and proving. Instead of enjoying my success, instead of enjoying life, I was still proving. So this is what trauma does to you. It crawls and creeps in your decisions, in the way you act, in everything like that, even your triggers, you know? If we are conscious enough to put our ego aside and look at our triggers, we realize that our triggers are our untamed shadows. That's what they are. And this is why, you know, when you do the inner work and you do shadow work, you tame your shadow. You don't kill it or get rid of it. You can't get rid of your dark side. You're a yin-yang. You exist, both of you inside one. So when you tame your shadows, you don't get triggered anymore. So even the triggers, the untamed shadows come up. And these are all trauma responses. These are all, I don't care how kind, how loving, how good you are. We're all broken and we all need fixing and we all need some work so we can find ourselves again. And I urge everyone, everyone to look deep, no matter how good you are. I can even find, for example, if you give me figures from history that have changed the world, let's say figures that have, like, they're selfless, that have given their life to the universe and to serving humanity. I can even find trauma in that, you know? So yes, you're doing great things, but that's not the point of life. You know, the point of life is not just to give up everything. Do you believe that you can do something that was meant for you? Yes and no, because if I miss it, it's still meant for me. So look, this is how I believe manifestation is, because I'm a huge manifester. I believe that manifestation is about surrendering, okay? What does it mean? It means if I believe that I want something and I believe and I demand it from the universe, okay, I want it, I'm demanding it, I still have to prove to the universe I'm worthy, so I still have to put the manifestation. Surrendering the results is also part of manifestation. So I do the work and then I surrender all my results to the universe and whatever comes my way, it's for the best. Whether I get what I want, amazing. If I don't get what I want, it's divine intervention, it's protection, it's redirection, it's not a rejection. So this is how I look at life. It's almost saying that if it missed you, then that was meant for you too. I want to ask you your quick reactions to these classic love cliches. I'm going to read them out and then you give me your reaction to them. Okay. So opposites attract. Yeah, no, it's not a factual thing. What's your take on it? I mean, opposite is great in a relationship. Similar is boring as well. But I've seen people who are similar or have great lives together. So I think it's all compatibility in the end. Love is blind. Love is definitely blind. In a bad way or a good way? Love is blind because our hormones drive the car. So if we are conscious enough to understand how everything works in the body, yeah. Yeah, our hormones don't have eyes. No, yeah, that's the problem. What's your take on this? You'll know when you know. Yes, I believe in that. As I say, like being with a narcissist, you know when you know. How about love is all you need? I don't believe love is all I need. I need love. I am all I need. I like that. I like that. You complete me. No, I complete me. And if you complete me, that means I'm using you. What's your take on love at first sight? I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in like at first sight. You know, I believe in attraction at first sight. I believe in so many emotions, but not love. Love takes a bit of time. What's your take on absence makes the heart grow fonder? I mean, it does. But if you are with the right person, you'll miss them even when they're next to you. So, but it does. It does. When you spend time away, you miss people. I mean, it does. for them. Because feelings doesn't just mean loving. If I hate, I still have feelings. I don't want feelings. Some people are not even worthy of any emotions towards them. So I'm indifferent. And the way I know I'm over something or a situation or I've healed from it is when I'm indifferent. If I go back and I'm still triggered or I feel something deep down inside, I'm like, oh, I have feelings. I got to get rid of them. Even if they're negative, even if they're hate, even if they're anger, which is valid at certain situations. No, I need to empty the whole system from any emotions because you're not even worthy of any feelings. What you've put me through, I'm indifferent with you. So when I look back on my life, even on the physical abuse, I'm indifferent. I feel nothing at all. I wish them nothing but the best and hopefully karma gets them. If it's good, it's good. If it's bad, it's bad. Yeah. Language is so powerful. What you were just saying about the mind being a computer, this idea of being a computer. Yeah. What you were just saying about the mind being a computer, this idea that the way you define words helps you understand concepts. And sometimes we don't understand forgiveness because we think that's about accepting their bad behavior or giving them permission to treat that way. But as soon as you switch it to forgiveness is forgiving myself for tolerating that and putting myself through that, all of a sudden, that's what I want to do immediately. Then you forgive. Yeah, immediately. Yeah. And it's language is just so powerful. It is. You know, I always tell people like similar to a laptop, why when you right click on a paste, it doesn't say cut file to it's not long. The command is small, short words. The more the command to the computer are clear, the more you actually give commands and not wait for them only the better your life gets. Like I don't wait for my brain to give me ideas because I know it's a processor. I'm a soul running this show as well. I'm the person observing my thoughts, observing everything. So I give my brain commands. For example, I flew in here three days. I'm jet lagged, right? So what I tell my brain is I have a name for it as well. So I say Phoenix work mode activated. And I train my brain that when I say work mode, it means even if I'm tired, even if I'm sleepy, I got to show up, I got to go there and the brain listens. I want people to know that you can biohack your brain. And that's one of the things that I teach the most in my courses that I can teach you how to hack your brain, how to hack your hormones, how to stop cortisol from being released, pull it back, release endorphins. Anything is possible. This is a machine. Just like I can hack an email, a laptop, I can hack this as well. Everything is hackable. The only thing I want people to get rid of is their limiting beliefs. Because with the limiting beliefs, I cannot do anything with anybody. And a lot of people might ask you, Jay, how are you the way you are? How am I the way I am? How are you guys doing what you do in life? How come out of billions and billions of people, it's that we don't have that limiting belief of a nine to five, or that life is about this only. We have a broad, open-minded belief that's accepting, open, and always changing. And I wish people had that. Because if you don't have the limiting beliefs, you'll be able to do anything. For sure. Sarah, we end every On Purpose episode with a final five. These questions have to be answered in one word or one sentence maximum. So Sarah, these are your final five. Question number one, what is the best advice you've ever heard or received? You cannot break anyone that finds beauty in everything. If you find beauty in someone, no one can touch you or break you, even in the worst situations. Once I took that advice, gave my brain that command, everything was easy. There was beauty in everything. Question number two, what is the worst advice you've ever heard or received? A doctor once told me, he's like, you're a businesswoman, you do tech, you do blah, blah, you do this, you do this, you do this. Oh, and now you want to start singing. And I was just sitting there and I was like, and? He's like, yeah, but who are you? What are you? You're I just looked at him and I said, I feel sorry for you because you think you're here to just be one thing. I'm here to be everything and anything I want. I'm here on an experience. So if I want to sing, if I want to dance, if I want to act, if I want, why not? I don't want to cling to one identity. I am ever changing. I'm everything and everyone. I don't want to be just Sarah, the entrepreneur, Sarah, the public speaker. I want to be everything. Why black or white? If there's so many colors to the rainbow, I can be so many things. For sure. Question number three, favorite tattoo. I have a witch tattoo. And, um, a lot of people see it. They're like, oh God, what does she do at night? Um, which means woman in total control of herself. Oh, wow. That's good. Usually women, women's reputation, voice decisions are always in the hand of other men, husband, brother, boyfriend, you know, dad, and just being a witch, being an alchemist is this woman in total control of herself. I like that. That's a good one. That's awesome. Question number four. What was the biggest limiting belief that you had to let go of to live the life you have today? That I can't change my mind. There might be bigger things out there as limiting beliefs that could change our life, but the ability to know that I can change my mind and it's not embarrassing. It's not okay. It doesn't make me flaky. And it's okay to change your mind. One day you might like something the next day you might not. And it's completely okay. I was taught to think that you're flaky as a person or you're indirect. I was taught to think that you're indirect. If, if you keep changing your mind, you can be trusted, but it's such a limiting belief. You're allowed to change your mind. And this is why a lot of people stick to things that are not good for them. Yeah. Cause that applies to career. It applies to people. It applies, it applies to everything. All right. Fifth and final question. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? I will not allow people to date or get married until they do the inner work. It'd be mandatory by the government. No, I mean, so you're going to have like a 0%. Yeah. Everyone's going to be single. Funny enough. I sat down with my business partner and we were like, because I'm launching a dating app. It's called soul search that AI. And we sat down and I was like, if I was the King or if I was the president and I had to make laws and rules for love, what would it be? I've always believed dating should be traditional. Like I have to meet you. I have limiting belief because the world is changing. Technology is rising. And if I'm not part of the change, I'm falling behind. So love is blind, but AI isn't. So the AI is going to help you pair. Is that what, or no, what's the goal? What's different about. So you don't get to see the people. You get to see them after 14 days. If you unlock certain like levels of maturity and conversation and you play games together and there's a psychologist involved, the hypnotherapist involved on the board, a lot of big names, even the AI. For example, let's say me and you match. Okay. And we're, we're chatting. The AI even tells us what to talk about. Ask about the finances, ask about children, ask about this. The AI might even tell you he's love bombing you. Watch out. It's too much for, we've been feeding this AI so much information for a year and a half because I am so sick of wasting my time dating. And this is why I was like, soul search AI dot AI is basically embracing the future and the change and AI. Although I have my, my dark thoughts of AI and my good thoughts, but I remember I was walking in the street once after giving a speech and I was really tired and this guy stopped me and I was like, I'm really not in the mood to talk right now. You know, but he's like, can I ask you about AI and stuff like that? And I was like, yeah, go ahead. He's like, what do you think of AI? I said, I think that AI is a dark consciousness that already existed and wanted us to bring it to life. And I was being very negative about it because I was like, why is it taking the roles of humans? Then he looked at me and he said, you're spiritual, no? And I said, yeah, I am spiritual. He said, we're in spiritual people. Their belief is that we're born not to work, not to survive. We can plant our own food, build our own homes. We were born to thrive in communities. I said, yeah. He said, so AI came to become the slave so you can enjoy the life. And ever since he said that, everything just switched in my head. I'm like, oh my God, yes, I can go live that life, the spiritual life and let AI fund it and do the work for me. And then make it my slave. Then do whatever I want. AI is beautiful. And the way we've incorporated AI in the dating app is crazy. You can't see the person, no more looking at pictures and lusting. And it's all about deep conversations. In four days, you unlock a chat room where you can speak by voice. And then more and more, there's hints and all that until you reach a day where you reveal. And based on the reveal, you can decide whether you want to be with them or be friends and all that. That would be heartbreaking though. What if like for 14 days, you're like, you really connect with someone, then you see them and you're remember the analogy of the movie when I told you fall in love with a character halfway. I mean, then it'd be too late. And it's better than to fall in love with shallow things. What makes it different is that all the other dating apps, you know, there's so many catfishing and so much bullshitting happening in there and all that. Tell me what, what catfishing person is going to go and say, I'm going to go catfish someone for 14 days. No one's going to do that. So it's basically all that crap and just like give people some genuine connection. So although AI is not human, but it's taking us back to being human again on the app, which is like a deep connection. Yeah. So I'm so excited because I'm like, I hope I meet my guy on it. That would be the test. That's what you have to do. That's the test. You got to do it first. I got to do it first. That would be the best. Yeah. I love it. Sarah, it's been so wonderful talking to you. Thank you so much. Such a pleasure. As always, like, I love your insights, love your thoughts, love how raw you are, how vulnerable you are, open-minded. I love it. I love how open you are, how much you wear your heart on your sleeve and talk about your own experiences in such a catfish way. casual and endearing way. It's really, really helpful. And thank you so much for the incredible work you do. No, and you make it easy. It's like your energy just makes everything flow. So thank you so much for that. You're very sweet. All the best. And I want everyone who's listening and watching, make sure you go follow Sarah on social media. If you don't already, go and grab Soul Search AI, because I guess it hopefully will be live. Yes, it is live already. The website live. Again, thank you so much for coming all the way. I'm so deeply grateful for your time and energy. I'm honored. It means the world. Thank you. Thank you. If you enjoyed this conversation, you'll love my episode with the world's leading relationship therapist, Esther Perel, where we talk about why your ego is ruining your relationships and how to date more effectively. I think we need to differentiate. Are you looking for chemistry for a love story? Or are you looking for chemistry for a life story? Ugh, I hate Mondays. Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm. Taylor Hansen? Nice. Try one. Mmm. Bites. Jibba-dab-ba-doo. Don't you love them? Sweet, swirly, it's all good. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contact, in time for this class. And breathe. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Namaste. 1-800-CONTACTS.