Sandy Honig Has Self Respect

I feel like it was like a tinder date or something with this guy who was fully bald, but not bald in a, like, way that was, like, in an intentional scary way. Yeah. Okay. This baldness was political. You're like friends and family to me, specifically Ann. Oh, Sandy. No, I love you. Yeah. I love you. Are we recording? Of course. Oh, yeah. Of course. I would not have burped. Yeah, I know. You know our fans like that kind of stuff. You know that. We have a crewed audience. Woo. Okay. Okay. My audience. I shouldn't have asked for the sparkling water ahead of record what with everything going on. Go on and make you belch. Yeah. Yeah. My audience just so you know, I know you're kind of familiar, but just to catch you up. My audience is mostly, um, like, my cousin. Of course, lesbians, your cousins. Um, we have learned over the course of the show a lot of Latina women. Um, gay guys, but a very specific type of gay guys, these are gay guys that are mostly lesbians. Got it. These are gay guys that are one strong wind away from transitioning. Okay. These are gay guys that already have a day in the mix. We're going to get an amazing crossover because my fan base is basically, um, guys that follow me into a parking garage after a show. Because they used to watch me on adult swim. Or guys I want to sleep with. Or guys that would see me on this vise land, short lived vise land talk show. And they would see you on the screen and they go, I'm going to have sex with her. They just kind of decide on their own. They decide regardless of what she thinks about it. Think I'm going to have sex with her. I want to bang that heart. And so they'd let me know. Yeah. That's beautiful. Did you ever sleep with any of them? Of course not. You have self-respect. Well, no worries. Well, hello. Hello. I didn't, but I don't have self-respect. Yeah. Hey, two things can be true. Yeah. I didn't sleep with those men and I don't respect myself. Who was it that said you can hold what? The two opposing forces in your mind at the same time? No way. It's that you can't. Yeah, hello. Sorry. Who was it that said you could. Right. Right. Right. Well, they were it. No, if you hold to opposing thoughts in your mind at the same time, that that's the fish. The definition of insanity actually. That's actually the definition of insanity. Another definition of insanity is doing the same thing and hoping for different results. Yeah. And I think it was Tim Allen who said that. Yeah. Woody. It was Tim Allen's Woody. Yeah. I believe if I'm not mistaken, that was Tim Allen's Woody. Yeah. No, but non-seriousness, this was so much fun. You're having fun already. This was a great time. This has been so fun. This was an amazing episode. I love you today. Yeah. Sandy, tell me what's going on with you for real. What is lighting you up right now? Okay. Well, what is lighting me up right now? Well, like I mentioned to you, off cam off pod. Yeah. Drawing. I'm really into drawing with chalk pastels right now. My experience. Is that what you wanted me to say? 100%. Okay. I'm going to do this is that you said, I've gotten into drawing things. I realize because I went to museums in Vienna that I can just draw anything. This has to be remarkable. Like for me to draw it. And then you said, I drew a banana that's really good. I want to let you know and be honest with you. In my head, I'm going. It can't be. It's just going to be a banana. It's not that special. That's genuinely where my head went. I mean, it's just a banana. But I'm going to support my friend through this moment. And then you showed me the banana. And I have to say, it's a remarkable banana. Thank you so much. I'm like, I've never been so proud of this. I was moved by banana. Thank you. I was genuinely moved by banana. It was simply a banana because, okay, like I said, this is kind of my theory. So in my head about making art and about doing stuff because I'm like, well, it has to be like this brilliant idea and it has to be like this amazing thing. And I'm not trained and all this stuff. And then you go to a museum and you go, all the paintings are four things arranged on a table. Hello. Hello. Yeah. Oh, it's an orange and a banana. And they're just painting that. And that's enough. Sometimes there's a cat eating like the bones of a fish with the head still on the side of the table. Fine. That's not even that crazy. Right. I don't need to come up with this. Oh, a whole crazy thing. Yeah. Just draw. I can just draw a banana. Draw a banana. And everyone's moved by the banana. And you drew a moving banana. And I don't want to even show it on here. I want people to just imagine a banana that moves them. Yeah. Because you would be moved by it. Sorry. I just have to get about the banana. No. Maybe thinking about banana for days. Yeah. I left it. So I bought my mom a set of pastels because I was like, I want her to get back into making visual art. And she got really-- she'd do a pepper. Pepper? Yeah, a pepper. What kind? Give me color. Orange. Orange pepper. Orange pepper. I don't draw. You know, I'm not a-- I don't have that ability. My brother was-- I decided that drawing was silly when I was a kid because my brother was really good at it. And I wasn't. Right. Do you know what I mean? Yes, I'm right. I'm a very naturally gifted, dryer. And I just was like, this is fucking stupid. Drawing is dumb. Drawing is dumb. And then what were you drawn to? Drawing's out. I was into being sociopathic as student council meetings. I mean, as you know, it's a joke in the special. Of course. But that really is where I turned my attention. Yeah. I got really upset. I would say when I found out I wasn't good at drawing, I got really obsessed with power. And I'm not going to say his name, but there's another guy from history that did the same thing. And I hate being in the same campus and have no pun intended. You know it is weird. I do. I don't want to be associated with him at all. Fucking makes me sick. And everyone's associating you. Everyone's associating me. Yeah. We're saying these two guys. These two guys. You know what? It's crazy because this stuff was good. No, these drawings were good, actually. They were actually pretty good. Yeah. I don't understand what those teachers were on about. Yeah. And I hope everyone thinks twice because it turned into a whole fucking mess. No, literally. Yeah. Encourage that. And that's why everyone goes, oh, participation trophies are a problem. All the kids these days are being coddled while we haven't had another Hitler yet. Yeah, we have. Well. Well. Well. Well. Who's some guys that are trying for sure? Yeah. But we don't. But then none of them are our Hitler level yet. They're not as prolific. No. There's no one as prolific yet. No, it's true. It's true. It's true. Yeah. Wait, I have a question for you. Yeah. You directed my HBO special. I did. Model comedian. Yeah. And. Model slash. Yeah. Model slash. I want to know what was the worst part of it. I want to know genuinely what was the worst part. Genuinely the worst part. I'm always asking Michelle, my assistant, to insult me and she's always kind of coming up with like weak ones to save her job. What? She just said I have one today. What is it? What is it? Yeah. Come to the mic. Michelle, what is your insult of me that you have today? We're ready with some to have. Okay. What is the one you come up with? Should I say now? Yeah. Sometimes when Caleb and I share a bathroom and I go in after him and use a toilet, sometimes there's good marks there. Oh, yeah, always. I didn't experience that. Oh, always. But we were roommates. We were roommates briefly. That's a really good one, Michelle. That's really good. I'm leaving skid marks in the toilet. Okay. For sure. Because my thing is like, it's a toilet. Do you know what I mean by that? That's where the skid marks should be. I did this at ReadyBersky's house. I left a skid mark in the toilet. And here's the thing, people act shocked and I'm like, yeah, do you guys know what fucking goes on in there? Yeah. Don't you know what supposed to go in the toilet? Yeah. That's where my shit goes. It's the container for my shit. Well, that's where I feel when I get embarrassed, when I fart in a bathroom and there's other people in there and I'm like, wait a second, wait a second. Do you know what? Radically. We're like-- I do that. Hold on. This is the room for that. This is where the most embarrassing thing, when you're in the bathroom and you're someone's in the cell next to you and you have a plop and it's like, that's why I'm in here. What could I be embarrassed about? You'd be like, you're turned at the water too loud and you're like, what the fuck? You won't believe what I'm getting up to to make it quieter. It is, it's worse than just shitting in the toilet. Being ashamed of your shit in the shit room is crazy, and I refuse to participate. You don't experience this? No. If you were in the stall next to someone and you just got a bit loud. No, I do. And then I erase it. I erase it from my brain. I feel the shame in the moment. I feel like wash over me and then I go, let it keep washing. Yeah. Something that radically changed my life is refusing to have shame about anything. I have no shame. I love that. It's like life is already so hard. I feel that I apologize a lot for existing. But you don't experience this? Well, no, I just, I guess I mean embarrassment. I have some, I have some shame sometimes around like whatever, but I'm not going to be embarrassed about anything that I can't control. Right. Okay. I take shit. I fart. Right. I'm fat. I have an experience where, so I have like really bad stomach issues as you know. And my burps are earth shattering, earth quake type. Do you mean just the volume and vibration? Or do you also mean there's like a, the volume of vibration involved? Sometimes I'll burp and a friend rolls out a window in the car for sure. Hannah and I will be driving and I burp and she just goes, she just, just, just feel it go down. And I can, I'll preempt it sometimes if I know, if I know, but the sound is very loud. And I've just kind of had to accept for a while. I was like, you know, you convince yourself, I live in a building, no one can hear me. And then I hear someone drop their phone in the building. And I go, "Well, there's no denying." Literally one time I heard my neighbor cough. And I said, "Well, I'm fucked." - The burping thing is the burp with a scent is why I had to stop eating gas station chicken. (laughing) I was addicted to gas station chicken for a while. And it was like the burp was having a scent. In a way that I was like, "You can't do this anymore." - See, I'm like, that'll happen to me no matter what it is. And I just have to go, you know. - Sometimes I burp, sometimes it smells, sometimes I shit in it. Weaves a mark in the bowl. - I've got something bad going on in my toilet as well. Is this gonna be the whole episode? - Well, I was actually trying to talk to you about the HBO special. I'm in the show gave for her. - Right, right, right. Oh, what was the worst part about? - The worst part about directing the HBO special. - But it's encouraging that it's not that I left Skidmarks in our shared toilet. - No, I don't remember Skidmarks. - I did have a gonorrhea scare in our shared apartment. - Oh, that was true. - That was true. I think you were getting meds like day of special. - Yeah, we thought that I had gonorrhea when we were filming the special. - Did you not? - That was scary. I ended up not having gonorrhea. Yeah, I think I was just having a back problem. - Okay. 'Cause you said you're back hurt and you thought that was. - My back hurt, it was a couple, but then it was like my back hurt and like two other symptoms that were like gonorrhea. - Right. - And then it was like I'm just maybe a little stressed. - Well, no, but then do you remember the day before? So it was like my back, I had, I thought I had thrown my back out from doing too much on a bicycle ride. I had done too much on a long bicycle ride. - Right, right, right, right. - But then I was like I have these other symptoms. And then that day, my boyfriend at the time called me, we were open and he was like hey, sorry, I tested positive for gonorrhea. You might wanna check on that. And I was like fuck. - Yeah. - I had gonorrhea. And then I went to the, and do you remember? I went to the medical clinic. In Chicago, Illinois, and when I was outside about to walk in to get my gonorrhea test, a homeless man yelled at me, uh, repent. And I was like, I will. - Yeah, literally. - As you're on the way. - Super close to it. Yeah. I was like you've caught me at a really good time. - Yeah, that's probably a good place to yell that. - Totally. Outside the STD clinic. I'm never closer to repenting as a, than outside the STD clinic. - Yeah. - On my way in. - Yeah. - But then they cleared me no gonorrhea. - That's pretty good. - That's beautiful. - Yeah. - But anyway, I'm glad that the Skidmark situation wasn't too much for you when we lived together. - No, maybe it was. Remember when we were doing the scooters? - Yeah. - And you were insisting, you remember this. Yeah. So basically, you were like, I found this amazing coffee shop that I want to go, and let's ride scooters there. And I was like, no worries. Of course, I find the scooter that seems to have no battery and won't go at all. And you're just kind of like, you're just kind of like, on the way yelling, I mean, hurry up. - Well? - Yeah. - And I was like, well, like, okay. And then I had to switch scooters. And then we finally get the coffee. - Yeah. And by the way, we had a delightful conversation with the guy running the coffee shop. - Yes. - Wasn't he lovely? - He was great. - And he took so much care to make the coffees. - I will carry him with me always. - And then do you remember what happened next? - I sure do. (laughing) - You said, you said, let's get back on the scooters. And I said, but we're holding the coffee and ride the scooter at the same time. You said, it'll be no worries. - Yeah, I said, that's no big deal, Sandy. Please don't be boring. I believe we got not even halfway down the block. (laughing) You immediately dropped the coffee on the ground. - Yeah. - Because, of course, you can't. - Well, there was a bump. I never accounted for bump. - But how could you. - My plan was to do this. - Right. (laughing) - That was my plan. - Was that this hand would really be the control, like we're keeping control of this? - Yes. - And then this hand would have in these three fingers and then these two fingers, the other outside of the scooter. - That would have worked for 20 miles on smooth ground. - Right. - I never accounted for bump. - Now, I, so then you dropped the coffee. - In a crazy comedic way. - And then. (laughing) - Like, I think the bump and I was like, (screaming) I felt everywhere. - But what was also comedic about it was how long it took for the coffee to be made. - Yeah. - And how long we had a conversation with the guy about how much he cared about the coffee, how much effort and care was put into the coffee, and we basically turned around. - Yeah, we backed. - We basically turned around. And then, no, you didn't. You said, I can't go back there. - Did I say that? - Yeah, you said, I can't tell you my drunkenness. - Oh, I went to another coffee shop, didn't I? - Yeah, we went to another coffee shop. (laughing) However, however, I did not drop my coffee. So then, so then you said, let's scooter to another coffee shop that's further away. So then, I'm trying to do the balance. And my, and look how big my hands are. - It's all going away. - Trying to balance them. And you're on your way because you're not holding a coffee. - Yeah. - And then you're, you're berating me. (laughing) You're berating me. - I don't like when people go slow. - Hurry up, hurry up, I don't like when people go slow. - Why can't you figure out the scooter? (laughing) - Keep in mind, this is like a two week period where I'm forcing you to scooters and bikes at every turn. Which normally I don't mind. - No, you were actually really down with it. - But then you continue to tell everybody how much I hated you for making a scooter. - You did. - But it wasn't about the scooter. (laughing) - You did, you resented me. - Only in the moment when I had to be balancing both. - Yeah. - And see that is where, don't, wouldn't you say that we need to slow down and we just stop doing so many things at once? - No. - No, yeah. - I gotta do more things at once and they all need to be scooter-related. - Yeah. - I'm actually not even big on scooters. - You're okay. - Scooter was just, no, it was just a thing that was happening at that time in Chicago, I'm really big on bike. Bike is my big thing. - Bike is great. - Bike is incredible. I love bike and I love going fast on bike. - Scooter scare me because there was a girl that sold me weed in Austin, Texas once. - Of course. - And she really put the fear of God in me about the scooters. She said, do not take the scooter and then she started showing us these scars on her arm. That she fell and dislocated her elbow and she was like, the bone went through, the bone went through and I was like, hey. - Totally. - Please leave. - Totally, and guess what? Bad things happen in pursuit of beauty all the time. - Yeah. - I'm not gonna live my life like that. People tell me this all the time. Caleb, don't ride the e-bike so fast. Don't ride the e-bike so fast. - Do you, are you wearing helmet? - What's Cindy? The point is, the point is, you pursue beauty with reckless abandon when you have a lust for life the way that I do. - Right. (laughing) - They know when to fly. - But we need your brain. But we need the brain. We need your precious brain. - I know, I love my brain. My brain is my most favorite thing about me. I'm completely obsessed with my brain. I feel so grateful for it every day. - Yeah. - And at the same time, caring a helmet is annoying as fuck. - I mean, that is true. - I wish me wearing helmets though. I really wanna say, I'm a pro helmet guy. Everyone who gets on a bike should be wearing a helmet. - I'm so pro helmet in like the most of virgin way. Like, when I lived here, I was biking everywhere and ruining my whole outfit, ruining my hair, carrying around a helmet all the time because I said, I just. - Just when it comes to helmets, do as I say not as I do. - Yeah. - That's my thing. - And it's not that I don't trust myself. It's that I don't trust all these freaking cars. - Well, this is what everyone says. You can trust yourself, you can't trust everyone else. I am a fucking operator. I don't know, it's just different with me. - Yeah. I thought you were gonna say I'm an optimist and I trust others, but no. - No. - I trust others maybe less than most. - Yeah. - But you trust yourself and you trust yourself enough to know you can get out of it. - I trust myself in a way that is beyond explanation. - I love that. - I know that I can veer. - Yeah. I know that I can move. - I trust myself pretty well in a car. - Yeah. - But bicycle, it gets murky. - Well, because I'm unprotected. - Yeah. I don't know. That can be the worst part of directing the special though. There had to have been something. You know what I thought you might say? - What? - When we got the first, the very first cut of the special. - Oh yeah, and you were very upset. And I texted you and I was like, I hate this. I'm a hack. I'm a hack. I'm a hack. It's all over. I can't believe we did this. I remember I texted to Andy and I was like, wow, I just watched the first cut. I kind of want to fucking kill myself. And so I think you texted me back and you were like, oh, that makes me sad. I'm really proud of it. (laughing) - That was tough. I guess because it was a little bit like, there's nothing I can really do about that. - Yeah. Well, it's also like, it was the first cut Caleb. Like, we have a whole process to do. We have smoothing. We have like, we will do the stuff that needs to be done. - Yes. - Because I didn't want to cut anything before you saw it. - Right. - Because it was like, that's not my decision to make. So I was like, I'm going to leave everything in, every riff, every, you know. - Just correct. - Which is correct. - Which is correct. You're a great director. You directed it phenomenally. I wasn't thinking in the moment about anything other than how I felt about my performance. - What did make me feel better as you said, this is the best, the most I've ever liked how I look on anything. - Yes. - So that was nice. - I said, but so I can really control. - No, you did a beautiful, amazing job. And I think that I later on apologized and made amends and clarified for coming to you so raw. That's the thing I've actually learned about collaboration is ultimately that was a compliment to you that I feel so comfortable with you that I would come to you that raw. But something I've learned is that you shouldn't do that. I think you should process a little bit before you go to collaborators. - Yeah, but I also do think that was how you felt and I wanted to note. I mean, I feel like Hannah had a similar thing with her special where she watched it and she was like, why am I talking so slow? And I was like, Diva, you talk really slow. - Yeah. - Like to the point where like sometimes we'll be at a restaurant and like the waiter will start laughing because she'll be like, I'm thinking that what I'm, Like, it's like, it's crazy. - It's long. - It's long. - Can I also say, the funny thing is every standup I talked to before, who's had a special, every one of them said, the first cut will make you suicidal, maybe even do yourself a favor and don't watch it. - Yeah. - Everyone tried to protect me and I legitimately told myself I am different. - Yeah. - And then I, and then came to suicidal thoughts. - Yeah. - So it's like everyone, everyone I have talked to hates the first cut. - This is why I could never do a special of my own comedy. I just don't think I could, I don't think I could watch myself for that long. I don't think I could see myself for my wrangle. I don't, I do like an interview recently and I found out my filler words. - Yeah. The words are big. - Just is my, is my big filler word. - Yeah. - I'm saying it all the time. - I said, you know, like a billion times is a special. - Oh yeah. - That was a big thing for me. I mean. - I need a shot collar for saying like, I think. I'm trying to really, really stop. - Yeah. - But it's hard. - It's hard 'cause it works. It's good when there's a pause. - I also don't, I've always been of the mind with stand-up that like, I do stand-up for me and the people in the room. There were years at the beginning of my career where whenever I was offered, like, I think I turned down the comedy central taping like five times. Like, I was very opposed to filming stand-up. I was like, this isn't for, 'cause you watch it and you notice things you would never notice in the room. In the room, you're having a fucking great time because you're just with strangers listening to stories. And I have always felt that I don't do stand-up for other comics. I don't do stand-up for commenters on the internet. I do stand-up for me and the people in the room. And that is from improv. Like, I took that from improv. - Yeah, that was a big turning point for me and stand-up because I think that for a while I was very, like, very anxious so I would stick really to what I wrote. And then becomes the things where it's like, where they say, oh, oh, you're gonna audition for this comedy festival or we need a tape. And so then you get in your head of, I'm gonna set up a camera. So I can't do riffing because I'm just filming the set or I need to practice my type five so I can't riff. And I just said, I'm not having fun. I'm not having fun and they're not having fun. And I need to just remember the most important thing is if the audience is having fun, then it's great. That's all that matters. - It's just for me and the people in the room. And that is the hard, that was the very hard thing for me about the special, was watching it and going. The big thing I had to reckon with was, regardless of how anyone who watches this feels about it, I, by the way, in the end, did love it and I'm very proud of it. It's probably my most special work. But to me, but that I had to basically make peace with the fact that this will never feel the way that it felt in the room. - Yeah. - Do you know what I mean? And it never could. There's a distance now. And it'll never feel, the two were felt amazing, the taping felt amazing, the taped put out product will never feel the way that I felt in the room because I was there connecting with the people. - Yeah, and then it just becomes a different thing. Because I think that that's also part of the, I think the process of figuring out how to film a special is we had so many conversations about what do we want it to feel like and what is the vibe that we want the people at audience. The audience at home to feel. Because they're not gonna be able to be in there. And I feel like I remember the words you were saying was like cozy, intimate. I wanted to feel like we're at a house party. And I think that's like what it felt like. But you always have to remember with the taping that it's actually for people to watch on a little screen. - Yeah. - Or a big screen. - I think we did achieve the vibe. - I think so too. - Katie Birmingham, Katie Birmingham. - This is such a, like wow. - She did this too? Yeah, Katie did the HBO special. She did the podcast set. - I love her so much. - She's a prolific genius. - I know. - And I adore her. And she's a fantastic human being. - She's such a good person. - She really is. - I mean, the fact that we had all those couches and chairs for the audience to sit on. And it's like, you, it's more for the vibe than actually seeing the chairs. We wouldn't believe the amazing cute chairs that every single audience member was sitting on a cute chair. - That's the thing about Katie is like every detail. There might be a trinket in the far corner of the room behind the camera that we're certain will never be seen. But if we said it was important, Katie will get it right. - And it's also like, I'm sitting here and I'm feeling like I'm in a comfortable, cozy living room. So then that affects the vibe of how we're talking and how we're perceived. - You'd be my search for me than you've ever been. - No, I would never be saying these things otherwise. - Typically of such a contentious relationship. - Yeah, we got in a big fight right before this. - We did. - Yeah, we had to hash it out over coffee. - Do you want to tell everyone what it was about? - It's okay. - I'm so bad at improv, you go. (laughing) - This is what I cannot do. Oh yeah, let's talk. Yes, we were sitting at the coffee shop. - Yeah, you're, I mean, you're halfway there. That's just the truth of what I've been talking about. - And then you fill it in. - We're sitting at the coffee shop. - I can't, why can't I do it? - And yeah, you just brought up some of my infidelities that you don't like, that I have been hanging out with other people other than you. You get really upset. - I don't like that you've been having sex with other people. - Yeah, well, and you brought that up. - I thought it'd be only me. - You brought that up and I felt bad. - Yeah. - I did actually, a true thing about us is that when we lived together for the special, which is funny of us. - Yeah. - But I was like, if you wanna direct the special, you have to live with me for a week and a half. (laughing) - And then I remember we said that when people ask how we met, we can say we were roommates in Chicago. - Yeah, and it was beautiful. - It was, we were roommates in Chicago. - But I wanted to have sex in the apartment a couple times. - You did, yeah. - And we did ask permission, which felt respectful. - Yeah. - I didn't know your level of exposure to gay men. - My brother's gay. - So I was like, I didn't know if you've dealt with this before. - Yeah. - Like, hey, there's a guy who's getting off work nearby and he wants to come over and have sex with me. So I am interested in doing that. - Yeah. - Ultimately, it's 4.30 pm in the afternoon. - Right. - Just wanna make sure that's okay. - And that was fine for me. I think we all watched a movie after. (laughing) - Right, I think we watched "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." - Oh, yeah, I liked that guy. - Yeah, yeah. - That guy was cool. That guy was cool. - Yeah, and I was cool about it. - Yeah, you were cool. You were really cool about it. I missed that guy. - Who was he? We'll never know. - No, I know his name. I have his number. We've texted since then. - Cute. Did he watch the special? - I didn't ask. I didn't ask. I kind of hope not. - Yeah. - Only 'cause that's kind of weird. - It is weird. - You know? - Yeah. - It is funny that a number of people that I've dated since the special came out or like forwarded with or even become new friends with that are like, "Oh, I'm gonna watch your special." And I'm like, just heads up. It's extremely revealing. - I mean, I feel that I've learned now that podcasts can be listened to by anyone. (laughing) I feel-- - This is the problem with them. - I feel that when they first started, I was like, "I'm just talking to my friend." - Yeah. It's not true anymore. - Oh, it's not true anyway. And it wasn't true then. - Yeah, it wasn't true then. - It was never true. They're out there forever. - It was never true. And then I was on Seat Treatment, Cat and Pat. And it's about sex and dating. And I talked, well, now that I say it, then people are gonna go listen to it. But it's, you know, talking about losing your virginity and such and told the whole story. And then now I'll talk to people and it'll come up and they'll go, "Oh, yeah, I remember that." And they describe it to me. And I'm like, "Uhh." So, right, so you know that too. Now everyone knows. It's a problem. I didn't ever intend, I guess I intended. I didn't know that this podcast would develop the reach it's developed. - Yeah. - And I get texts, I've had to really think about the way I talk about things on here. - Yeah. - 'Cause I get texts from people being like, "Hey, so that was like pretty obvious to see a story about me." And it's like anyone could kind of put that together. Like it really, it's been rare 'cause I do think I'm pretty judicious about like cutting stuff or like not using names or identifiers. But it's fucking hard because I wanna talk about my life and unfortunately my life involves other people. - Right. - I wish my life was just me. - Do you though? - No. - No. - That's all about community. - How do you feel about people? I have a question for you. - Yeah. - Do you think human beings are innately good? (laughing) - You are not even ready for my answer. - Yes, I am. - Okay, so I've been reading the dawn of everything. Have you heard of it? - Oh my God, have I heard of the dawn of everything? How far into it are you? It's hard to get through. - Conclusion. - You read it all? - I'm in the conclusion. - Oh my God. - But it's been, it's taken me like two years. I had to take a long break. I'm still working on it. - Where you at? - It's a specter that looms over me. I'm in the 200's area. - Yeah, I mean, I will say that that's where it starts to really get boring. - Yeah. So season two, it gets really bad. - First, two chapters. I'm like, my entire world view has changed. Every single thing about the way that we organize our lives, I walked on the street, I go concrete everywhere. Why is that person, why are we not helping this person? Why have we constructed a world in which we don't help this person that I'm seeing right in front of me who needs help. - Yeah. - And we just walk because I have to go. - I have to go. - I have to go. - I have to go. - To work. - Question mark. I have to go to my job. - I have to go. - Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. - What are you talking about? - We create a society where we have to go. - And then the chapter about farming, endlessly interesting. - Very interesting. - And then after that, I lost the plot a little bit. - Yeah, totally. - Yeah, I mean, we started, yeah, it really gets tough, but you're in the conclusion. - Yes. - And what has happened? - Well, you know, basically the whole, for those who haven't read the book or I'm familiar, the, they pose a lot of questions at the beginning. Are humans innately good? Or are we a force that has been corrupted by creating society? Or do we need society because we are innately, like a animalistic, violent people? And we need rules, et cetera. - Yeah. - Exploring all these things, exploring all these things. Conclusion, it's a little bit of both. - Yeah. (laughing) - 500 pages of, there's no answer to the question. - Damn, could see it both ways. - Could see it both ways. Sometimes it's this and sometimes it's this. - Yeah. - Big case by case. (upbeat music) - This episode is brought to you by, oh my goodness, what a treat. Booking.com, folks, a lot of us work hard. Not everyone in this room, but me in particular. And I deserve some rest of me in the relaxation. I love clearing my calendar and go in vacation mode when I can, when I'm not in vacation mode, I'm vocation mode, as in my job. Booking.com is here to help you do the same. Picture this, you're sitting in the back seat of your office car pool car and bumper to bumper traffic. 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Booking.com has you covered. Once a destination gets into your head, booking.com is a super easy way to get there. Go on, book that trip. It's easy, booking.com. Booking.com, yeah. This episode is sponsored by Quince. Look, one thing we all love about summer is how easy everything feels. The days are a little more relaxed and you find yourself reaching for the same comfortable go anywhere outfits again and again. And if you're looking to spruce up your summer wardrobe, look, Nicole, look no further than Quince, Nicole. They focus on well-made essentials that naturally become the everyday staples you actually live in all season long. You want pieces that feel lighter and more breathable. Things that are easy, but still put together. Well, look no further than Quince. They focus on high quality essentials that feel and look amazing. Quince has all the wardrobe staples for summer. Think 100% linen shorts and shirts from $34. Right, wait, breathable and comfortable, but still put together and clean. 100% Pima cotton tees with a softness that has to be felt. A softness that has to be felt. I know a thing or two about that. But their pants also hit that same balance relaxed and comfortable, but still polished enough to wear pretty much anywhere. Everything is priced 50 to 80% less than what you'd find at similar brands. Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. So you're getting premium materials without the markup. We picked up some blankets from Quince for the studio and they're so soft and comfortable. That's right, y'all. They don't just do clothes. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Go to quince.com/showtrue for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's q-u-i-n-c-e.com/showtrue for free shipping 365-day returns. Quince.com/showtrue. Well, I have a take. Which is that I didn't even need 500 pages of research. I don't even need to be that smart. We're innately good. That's nice. That's my opinion. I think so too. I think that when we start to fear that we're not innately good is when it causes us to not be good. If we all were to collectively hold hands and believe that all humans are innately good, there would, I think, be no issue. My opinion is that we are innately good and over time we have created a society that is extremely abnormal and unjust. And it has corrupted. It corrupts most of us instantaneously. Yes. Most people by the time they develop consciousness have already been corrupted by a really evil, like malevolent society of selfishness, capitalism, like heteropatriarchy and racism. And we immediately get our innate goodness is immediately destroyed by that. And then we have to actually the project of our lives is to work back to goodness. Yeah. But all that having been said, I think the same thing of happiness about what you said. When you say when we start to worry about, you said if we, when we start to worry about it if we're good is when things go wrong. Yeah. The same is true of happiness. That is true. If you start thinking about, am I happy? Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Just quit that. Yeah. You're happy. You're happy. So that's a suppression. Yeah. Hello. You're happy. Oh, no worries. You're happy. You're happy. Don't worry about that. You're happy. Don't worry about your feelings, but constantly, endlessly, intricately digging through. Oh, could I do this one small thing and then I'd be happier? Yeah. Stop doing that. Stop doing that. Do you have a friend? Yeah. To me? Yeah. Yeah. How many close friends do you think you have? That's a good question. Because I think you have a lot. I think that I do. You have a really rich life. Thank you. A beautiful friendship. It is nice to come visit here where I'm like seeing old friends that I haven't seen in a long time. And I'm like, look at all these people I know that are nice. Yeah. Like all these people that I love. Even if I, like last night I hung out with my friend Lex, who I've known for, like, I even know how long. 12 years, 13 years. Crazy. And I haven't, we don't see each other that often. And every time we hang out, we're just like, I love you. Yeah. Look at that. That's beautiful. Yeah. We do a little catch up. Who are you now? Yeah. Who have you become? Same old guy. Yeah. It's just fun. It is fun. I feel like that took a little while. Yeah. Because I feel like I moved there for work. And so most of the people that I met were through work, but that doesn't necessarily a good friend make just because we are working together. No, in fact, it can be really challenging. Sorry. Sorry, guys. It can be really challenging. Yeah. But no, I have-- Well, my friend Sarah always talks about-- she's like, there's Tier 1, there's Tier 2, and Tier 3. And when we first met, I was kind of like, Tier 3, Tier 2, cusp. I've made it to Tier 1. Oh, nice. That's huge. I helped set up her engagement. Yeah, that's Tier 1. Yeah, Tier 1. I set up the picnic and then, frankly, ruined it because I wanted to watch. [LAUGHTER] Her Beyonce said, you're in charge of setting up the blanket. But then you have to leave because I know-- I was like, do you want me to hide behind a tree and take pictures? She was like, no, because if I know you're there, then I won't be able to be in it. And I was like, totally, totally. I'm still going to hide. I want to watch. You're like, Tony, you'll never know I'm there. You'll never know where I hid. I thought they were walking one way. So I ran up a hill and me and my friend, Gabby, and we were hiding up there. And then they actually were walking that way. And then we dove into the bushes. [LAUGHTER] What kind of sitcom ass? No, it was so way we dove into the bushes. And I was like, they saw us, they saw us. And then finally, we're waiting over there for a long time in the bushes. We don't see them come out. We're like, all right, well, let's just go the other side of the bushes. We come out of the bushes. They're walking that way. And I immediately started running back into the bushes. And Sarah was like, OK, I saw you're no. [LAUGHTER] We really saw you this time. We really, really fucking saw you. Please stop running in the bushes. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. That's so cute. It was really cute. That's one of the most adorable things I've ever heard. And by the way, no one was bad. Yeah. No one was bad that we ruined it. That's sweet. That's how it should be. I know. I should be really afraid. Because I would got greedy. Yeah. You've tried to have too much. I tried to have it all. You literally tried to have it all. And it's not the '90s, so women can't do that anymore. Women used to be able to have it all in the '90s. I know, you can't have kids anymore. No. [LAUGHTER] No. No. Women can't have kids. We end the episode on that. That would be a really fun way to start ending our episodes. You know, we always have this really natural build where it kind of goes. We do this and this. And then it's like, tell people where they can find you. And thank you so much. I think it'd be really fun to actually just start ending the episodes with being like-- so anyway, yeah, I thought maybe I was depressed for a little bit. Do you have a tag at the end of the episode? Do we? No. No. I didn't know if-- It's like a jingle. No. Sometimes the companies that we work for will be like-- Right. At the beginning of the episode, it has to be like-- You know, whatever, they're like-- I think now we have one that's like wave or something. Totally. And I didn't know if they had an end one as well. Well, we could make one. It seems not. Yeah. Yeah, I'm always trying to find new ways to give to everybody. You don't do-- because you know how sometimes podcasts at the end, they'll do credits. How do you mean? They'll be like, this episode, what-- They always kind of-- it's interesting because they-- I don't know. I always go, you could just put that in there. You should put it in the description because no one listens to it. No, nobody listens to it. And also, I don't believe in giving people credit for their work. I agree. Or fair pay. Well, I did cover art for a podcast, and then they credited me at the end of every episode. And I thought that was really nice. But I was like, it might be overkill. Throw it in the comments. Yeah, every time. Throw it in the description. It's just a good photo. Yeah. S-town. S-town. Serial. Well, you did the art for that? Yeah, I did. The podcast was huge. Yeah. Yeah, your name is real. It's not serial, S-town. S-town was the serious one. I know S-town. S-town was fucked up. Yeah. That actually really depressed me for a while. Yeah. S-town actually really fucked up my life for a good amount of time. That was crazy. I should go back and listen to that again. It's one of the only podcasts I've ever listened to because every-- It was the guy who fixed watches and clocks. Yes. Yeah. And everyone was talking about it. And I listened to it on a series of road trips that I was taking at the time. And I, for a couple of weeks, was like, I really was disregulated by it. Yeah. It was not a good listen. It was beautiful. You did the art work for me. Thank you. Thank you. I've done a lot of random photo jobs you wouldn't expect. I've done a Bill Nye book. Yeah. Covers insert photos of like a children's side of Bill. What was he doing? Beakers and stuff? Yeah. We had beakers. We had-- We had-- Beakers that we filled with different colors. We put dry ice in the beakers. We had he brought like he brought a lot of bow tie options That's classic bill classic bill. It's not just the science guys. Do you have near the bow tie guy? And save that amount that he wears bow ties bill nine bow tie guy He should do a show called bow tie Yeah, I don't know how to stuff like that. You wouldn't expect what's them? What what are you? What is the most random job you've done? The photo job or like I'm really opening it to anything Recently I did a very random one for like a running headphones company They like you know those headphones that are bone conduction. Yeah, they just go over your skull Yeah, they wanted they were doing a tie in with the LA marathon and they wanted photos of the headphones in front of a bunch of LA Landmarks cool. I said that sounds pretty easy. I don't know like girl. That's easy hardest job. I've literally ever had That was harder than truly any job I've ever done. Wow. Why would it be? What would you think I can imagine because it's a photo of headphones Versa yes, it's a photo of headphones. They look weird And and they want a photo of headphones which are this big and a building which is a big that's a big thing Yeah, they're like do the photos in front of the Hollywood sign Right, yeah, that was one of them. Yeah. Of course. I couldn't get that one. I tried. Yeah I really tried and then the other thing is it's the most traffic most touristy Busiest roads in all of LA. Yeah, and the only way I could get photos was I had to balance the headphones on top of my car Yeah, so I'm parking illegally in the most chaotic buses are almost hitting me Yeah, people are honking at me everyone's screaming at me. I'm like trying because you know to get a I'm like my back's hurting. I spilled an entire water bottle in my car This big and then I couldn't remember it got trapped underneath the floor of my car. What did the water? Okay? I couldn't get it out. I had to pay so much money to a guy because then there was a smell in my car I couldn't get the water out. I had to remove the floor of my car I had to pay a kid I paid a kid that I found Perhaps to remove the floor of my car because the water had gone under everything and was just sitting in there I'm out money He lost millions doing so much money doing that and then They pay it takes a month to pay me. Yeah, finally finally I spent two straight days An entire day driving around doing this. I've been paying. It's a thousand degrees I finally see what it is that they've made. It's a GIF where they're it's about three seconds long And it's just all the photos like and I was like You can't even see where I went. Yeah, they should have used AI. You're right If only they use AI my car wouldn't smell bad. Well, and then some kid from Google wouldn't have gotten a job literally Some kid from Google fucking maps shout out auto taco details with a Z On Google maps if you live in the Los Angeles echo parks over like area. He will come to you He will come over rip it out. He will let it he charged me so little money to do that That I paid him extra because I was like it took an entire day. Yeah, we just came over and I was like there's a smell in my car I can't I thought we'd just vacuum it out and he was like we have to remove the seats. Yeah It helped a lot. Yeah, there was so much in there. Yeah, I was putting the floor of my car in the dryer Put the floor of my car in the dryer. I put the floor of my car in the dryer Is so fucking funny dude That is so funny. Remove to the seats. The floor is in the dryer. Yeah Questions By the way, you want to know my hot take. Yeah, David has pumpkins hilarious It's one of the most brilliant pieces of a media in a decade I actually get pissed off when people are like I don't understand what's funny about it It's literally so funny. What's their not to laugh about? Oh, oh, it's a haunted house and everything scary And then there's just a guy that's like Let me describe Yeah, by the way, by the way, the most popular sketch that's happened on SNL and forever It's actually funny. One of the only sketches they've had breakthrough in like two decades And you're like oh, I actually want to take because it's funny. No, it's incredible. And it's Tom Hanks And Bobby Moynihan the funniest ever. So let's take one of the most iconic actors of many generations. Yeah, put him in a hilarious suit by the way Put him in a hilarious suit and have him be a fucking freak Yeah, that's awesome. Sorry. Sorry. Tom Hanks on SNL was actually kind of goaded Yeah, I can't remember anything much outside of that one. I'll tell you one black jeopardy. Oh, yeah, when Kenan when Kenan goes This is what you can do with a this is what you can do with thin women And he buzzes in as like a mag a guy. It's you know the whole sketch is like what do black people and mag I have in common And Tom Hanks buzzes in as like a mag a guy and he goes not a god damn thing And Kenan goes you goddamn right. It is so fucking funny. Yeah, it's one of the best moments of the show What's exciting you right now? What's giving you hope and optimism and excitement? What are you looking forward to? Uh Good luck Um, it's actually and I it's hard. That's really hard Yeah, it feels like a time where it's hard to retain optimism. That's completely okay. I know. Yeah, I know tell me Um My building. Yeah, we there's 16 units my building and we've all become really like close good friends That makes me want to cry and it's become we have like a sort of informal tenants association I would like to formalize it, but I think we're we're still kind of like Not wanting too much retaliation from the landlord But I do want to have a meeting with the LA tenants union and figure out how to like formalize it I can't choose some people that would be literally amazing. They're good. They're good. They have a good organization out there They're really good, especially the one in my neighborhood is like so solid But it's just been really really life affirming and nice To say oh like I have this building of people around me at all times And we're all just always down to help each other and because Our like landlord is negligent of the building and doesn't really care about it We have become basically stewards of the building and we care about it And we're working to beautify it and ways that he would never Spend money to do yeah, and it's like little ways that life can be difficult And then you just go should I ask for help? Should I not ask for help? And then I go I'll just text the group chat like what you know, I bought something on Facebook market place A gorgeous little piece of furniture by the way. Have you ever heard of a gossip bench? Of course I love gossip like the most incredible thing ever created. Why are we not innovating like this excited beautiful? Why I'm not innovating You need a unique space for it though. Yeah, so I put it for my entryway. Yeah, put on my shoes Nice gossip. It's really really good and it was like I could probably bring it in, but it's kind of delicate. I was like should I try to just like bring this in my house by myself and I said let me just I don't want to bother the neighbors. I'll just text and see if anyone's home the three people immediately I'll be right there and everyone's like helping me bring it in This is one of the beautiful things about this is actually what you've just said is a really Really good example of why to organize with your neighbors. Yes Because in my building they're trying to remove all the door staff and we have come together and started a group chat and like It's why I live in a big building so we haven't gotten everybody But we've got a lot of people and we sign petitions to like try and stop it TBD on if we're successful or not, but That's what's happened is if it starts from this place of crisis of like we need to stop this thing that is happening Uh-oh big problem and then as time has gone on It's turned into this really beautiful thing of like hey, I have to go out of town for three days and at the very last second I'm my flights in like three hours my dog walker backed out can anyone in the building help with my dog? I'm so sorry. I can like this that in the other. I can pay you people responding and being like I'd be happy to help you Really don't have to pay me literally like me and some of my neighbors We just have keys to each other's apartments and it's literally like my neighbor will say oh, I'm working late tonight Can you go feed the cats? I'm like of course. Yeah. Oh, of course. Why would I not I'll walk right there? I and then the next time I have that issue they'll do that for me. Yeah, and it's beautiful For us it started also in crisis. We had a crazy roach infestation. Yeah, and The building was treating it unit by unit. Yeah as opposed to just like the whole building at once So the roaches would just kind of migrate and then migrate back over there And so we all had to like get on a group chat to try to coordinate our exterminations And then it was like oh wait the exterminations aren't even working. I'm doing research. Yeah I'm buying the roach gel. Yeah, by the way if anyone is dealing with German roaches You get this gel. Yeah, it's called by the way vendetta Well, when I do have one vendetta plus yeah, plus extreme vendetta extreme vendetta nighttime corn flu vendetta nighttime corn flu Literally, yeah, so I just was like I'm putting it in everybody's apartments whether you like it or not and now we're all friends basically Yeah, no, I have actually I had an interaction with a roach yesterday that changed things for me People are laughing in the studio. I You may or may not know you may or may not have heard me talk about this In my life. I don't know if I've brought it to your attention Basically, I've been on a journey called 75 Caleb 75 Caleb is like 75 hard except it's easy and it's for Caleb 75 hard you know this 75 hard is this psychopathic self-harm ritual We're in um people like it's like you have to work out twice a day for 45 minutes one of them has to be outside You have to drink a gallon of water a day. You have to it's like really intense. Uh-huh. No sugar. No alcohol. No, whatever So 75 Caleb has been this thing that I've been on it's barely happening at all any more at this point It's completely falling off like I'm back on down I'm not really reading as much. I did smoke two hits of a joint the other night, which was supposed to be part of it. But I'd say we're 40 something days in. Pretty fucking cool, Caleb. Good job, Caleb. - Good job, Caleb. - So you know what? I think that it's fine if you have a diet soda. - I'll told it was like 38 Caleb, and that was beautiful. But in any case. - I'm trying to stop with the diet soda too. - Look, it's like, yeah, I will say, by the way, just so people know, I look like I'm a guy who has a diet soda or soda zero every single day. Went on 75 Caleb that turned out to be 38 Caleb. And by the way, the first time I had a diet soda after that, I kind of didn't feel very good. - No, okay, this is the thing. Is I'm literally like, all of a sudden, I feel like I've woken up to realizing like, hey, drinking this thing that's entirely made of chemicals and looks a color, it shouldn't look makes me feel bad. - Yeah, just because it's zero calories doesn't mean it's necessarily a-- - Well, I was gonna say there was a time where I was like, you know, not doing so well with the eating. - Yeah. - And it was like, what would I eat a grapefruit and diet coke on an empty stomach at all times? Would you believe I developed the stomach disorder? (laughing) - Would you take a look at what happened? My stomach lining has evaporated. (laughing) And I feel sick all the time. - Yeah, yeah. - And it's like, hmm, I wonder where I could have gotten that. - Yeah. - Oh, just the acid and the chemicals burning a hole through my insides at all times. And then now I have one and I even just looking at it, I'm like, this is not right, I should be having water. Like, and I never thought about like chemicals ever before. And now everything, well, you plastic is getting it. I feel like I'm developing like plastic-based OCD. - I'm entirely plastic. - You are your plastic. - I'm plastic, but there's gotta be so much. Like when they're like, oh, there might be microplastics in your testicles, I'm like, my testicles are plastic. (laughing) I'm sure, trust me, I'm doing what you're not supposed to do. - They say you're supposed to eat a credit card a day. - Yeah, and I do, pretty much, I'm sure I do. - Yeah. - I'm sure I have so many plastics in my body. I don't control what they put out. - Do you think that they're, okay, conspiracy theory, conspiracy theory, what if the plastic makes us immortal? - I hope so. I wanna live forever, I'm having so much fun. - I know, I am really scared of death and I would like to keep going, I don't know, we'll see. - I only, can I tell you, I only get, like my biggest source of sadness is that I can't be alive forever. My biggest source of sadness is that I can't do things forever. Like when I'm having a beautiful night with my friends, I go home and get sad because it had to end. - Yeah. - I get this way sometimes also when I'm like, oh my God, there's so many things I wanna do in movies, I wanna see in books I wanna read in places I wanna go. I can't do it all. - Yeah. - There's only just one life we have. - Time being limited is a credibly fucked up. And unless we consume so much plastic. - Right, because it might preserve us. - God, I hope. - 'Cause if the plastic's weighing in our brain, forever brain. - Also, can I say, I love forever brain. - Yeah. - Plastic forever brain? - Plastic forever brain with Sandy Honeig. (laughing) - I, there's this thing, like when people talk about living forever where they're like, well, it'll be sad because then you all your loved ones, but you have to watch all your loved ones die. - No, they're alive too. - Oh, you think in the fantasy it's just me? - Yeah, grow up. - I'm imagining something that's not real and fake. - By the way, if it was just me, I would take it, but it's not what I'm asking. - You're like, I'll make new friends. - Yeah, for sure, it would be a delight. I mean, I don't want to lose my loved ones all in front of my eyes many times over. - Right. - But if that's what is offered to me. - Yeah, would you take the deal? - I would take the deal. - Right, deal or no deal? - Deal. - I would totally take the deal. - Is that how we mando? - Which, how we mando? - How we all take the deal. Open the briefcase and then close it. After I take the deal, what? - You should host a game show. - So that'll never happen. - I would love to host a game show. - I fundamentally disrespect unscripted. - But what's this? - This is not unscripted. - I, yeah, right. I forgot. I'm reading off my script. Hold on, wait, wait, hold on. Let me just check my next line. - Hold on. No, I disrespect this as well. I mean, I literally, I avoided having a podcast for so long and then it basically happened to me kind of. - Yeah, they made you have it. - I don't want to host any sort of game show. If I was going to do anything, maybe I would have a formalized version of a talk show. - Yeah. - But I would do it my way where I don't have to be fake. - Right. - Like if they brought on, I guess I didn't like, I'd be able to be like, so you're in this movie and probably no one's going to see it. Like I would want to be real like that. - Yeah. I feel the same way and then I basically was thrust into hosting duties several times. I was like, wait, this is the only thing anyone seems to want me to do, which I found interesting. I said, it's the thing. - Well, you're naturally charming. - Well, thank you. - Yeah, it seems like I'm easy to you. - Well, thank you. - Doesn't it come easy to you? I'll get back to my cockroach. - Being naturally, oh wait, right. - Does charm come natural to you? Do you feel effortlessly charming? Be honest, because I think you are. - Oh, thank you. I feel like, probably, I think that I don't feel that way. I find, well, not I'm not going to say bad things about myself. - Hello. - Okay, so I'm trying to change the neural grooves of my brain. - Well, just keep in mind you're talking about my friend Sandy. Just try to keep that in mind. - It's so hard, but I'm going to say, yeah, I find myself, I think that I'm cute and charming. - You're very cute and charming. - Thank you. - Is it effortless, though? - Maybe, yeah. - You think so? - Well, I don't know, because then, like, I'm so anxious all the time. And I'm like, maybe it's not effortless. Maybe I'm kind of changing myself at all times to be what people want me to be. - Yeah. - Anyway. (laughter) - Well, 'cause it's like, I can be like-- - I think you're changing yourself at all times. I think you're always Sandy. I don't think that's too much. - I think that I am always Sandy and that, like, yeah, maybe I don't want to always be lingering in pain. And I want to just have fun and laugh with my friends. - Yeah. - And even people that aren't my friends. I think that's where I go. I have a hard time. If I'm not having a good time with someone, I have a hard time not still acting like I'm having a great time. - Right. I've got better at that. That's a hard thing. - It's hard, because what am I going to do? Sit there, like, with my arms crossed? I find this a lot on dates. - Yeah. - If I'm on a date not vibing, what am I supposed to do? Sit there and go, I'm having a terrible time. I'm going to leave. - Whoa, yeah. Not you don't have to say I'm having a terrible time. - Oh, I ended up there for five hours and then we have to break up. - No, hard limits on dates. Hard limits on dates. I am really a big fan of hard limits on dates. 45 minute drink. First date, 45 minute drink. And if it's going great, then you keep going. But really, like, setting up parameters. - What do you say? - I say, hey, you're so cool. I've loved chatting with you. I would love to get a drink on Tuesday night. I have a thing that I have to go to in the Lower East Side. Do you want to get a drink nearby at seven? And I maybe don't say the specific time that my thing is. Sometimes it's a real thing, sometimes it's fake. - Yeah. - And I go on the date. And if it's fun, I keep going. Sometimes when there's a real thing, if it's something that I could invite them to, like, not like an intimate friend thing, but like a bigger thing, I'll be like, why don't you come to this with me? But first dates, part of the problem of dating and why so many of my charming, beautiful, amazing friends are not doing it is because we only have a conception of dating that is extremely like taxing and brutal, where you have to agree to an entire night with a stranger. No, you can get a 45 minute drink and say, I would love to get to know you. And then at the end, you can have one drink and say, this was so much fun. I really should get to my next thing. I loved meeting you. And if they say, hey, I'd love to do it again. You go, I'm kind of getting more of a friend vibe. And I understand it's different for women. So maybe there's different ways to approach it. But yeah. I'm having a horrible flashback. Did you see it in my eyes the whole time? I saw something happening. As soon as I just had like a really crazy memory resurface. Was it where you were the punished or the punisher? Oh, the punished. OK. Oh, the punished. OK. Because I remember I tried to do this once. OK, tell me about it. I tried to do it. Yeah. This was back when I was in my straight era. Yeah. I was never really in my straight era. When I was just was engaging more on the straight side. All straight, by the way. Yeah. Whole room. Yeah. Whole room had a sexual. Full head. Yes. No, be it all. It's it. Yeah, I was going to say there should be at least one shoulder short in the room. But I think that everyone is by my situation or fluid. I would like to hire gay people. It would be powerful. But I think they don't work hard. People need to show up on time. Yeah. They've said this many times. I need people to show up on time. I need them to care about their jobs. Yep. Gay people are grifters. They're late. Yep. They-- They're liars. They're sneaks and cheats. I'm a gay person who has lied. Cheated. I've grifted every job I've ever had. Yep. My day jobs, I was grifting these people, and they really needed my help. Yeah. They really hired me to do a job. And I really was coming late and leaving early. I'm gay people are malevolent, wonderful, charming, fun people to go out with. So fun. They cannot be on the payroll. Yeah. They take advantage. No, it's not like these guys are doing a great job. I mean, these people disrespect me at every turn. They sometimes don't do things I ask. Yeah. But it's-- They live with a possible Christian life. Day. Yeah. Whether they would say that or not, that is, but they're living. Yeah. It's true. It's true. Sorry. I just was shoved back to-- You tried to have boundaries. Yeah, so when I once tried to have boundaries, I was on like a-- I feel like it was like a Tinder date or something with this guy who was fully bald, but not bald in a way that was in an intentional scary way. Yeah. OK. His baldness was political. But you know when you see a guy, you're not like-- They're circums-- they're circumsacial baldness, and they're political baldness. That's what I mean. It's like, you know how in nature when an animal bears their teeth to show dominance? So it's like how men will show their scalp to assert dominance. They're circumsacial baldness, and then there's baldness that votes. and honey, his is at the ballot box. (laughing) - Oh my God, I just had another flashback. Let's do another one another one. Oh my god. That was crazy too. That was crazy. It's the fireplace. Oh my god But this one was basically I was to try to do that. Yeah, I had a show nearby Yeah, I was going to a show this was like the annoyance theater were you over in New York during the annoyance? I was a good time was like two years and I was like I'm gonna have a drink with this guy at a bar nearby And then my out will be I have to go to this show. Yeah the whole drink he's being scary At one point he's showing me a D out word music video on his phone And I believe you maybe like showed me porn. I don't remember actually and I was scared Yeah, of course and I was trying to get out of it and he just kind of kept following me to each new place And I texted Mitra who was also going to the show and I said I need you to accident or maybe it was Alyssa. I'm trying to remember They both saved me from scary situations, yeah, but it's hard to remember which one yeah But one of them came in and they were like oh Sandy the show starting early We have to go because it was right next to the theater and I was like I got to go and he was like I'd love to come and he Continued to come no and he followed us into it. I was literally like so trying to get away from him. Yeah Came with us. I immediately get into the theater and run into the green room and close the door I just leave him out there Yeah, and he's I see him bald head shining in the audience spotlight on the ball And I just was like I don't know what to do this guy like well, it was so Yeah, you know, it doesn't I guess maybe it doesn't work as well. It's really scary. Yeah, I will always acknowledge that being a woman dating men is of course different And I don't know what to do I don't remember how I got out of it I think I think he even texted me after being like I had such a great time I was like love to see you again I was like did you not clock when I ran away and hid. Yeah, did you not see the fear in my eyes and and movements? Don't you recall when I left you to die in the basement? And I ran away and locked the door Do you not remember when I did everything I could to get you killed? Do you not remember when my dear friend so obviously came in and live to try to save me? The comedy show starting early the show starting early. That's never happened It's basically like a fucking movie when the friend calls and goes your dog is sick literally. Yeah. It's like come on People are sick. I mean, yeah, I don't know I've I've the number of times I've gone on a date where it was like Clearly you're a dud clearly. I'm a life-saving force at the table Clearly, I am like being effervescent and asking a million questions and making this interesting just so I didn't waste 45 minutes at my time And then these men will text me afterwards and say I had an amazing time Well, of course they did because we're a delight of course you did you didn't pay for the ticket and I still put on the show Literally, that's how I feel I go they go. Oh my god. I had so much fun. I go yeah, cuz I'm a professional comedian Yeah, you had a great time because I do this for a living and you're a dud Yeah, I can I can talk to a silent audience. Yeah, then I have And then honey I'll do it again and I'm not talking about dud where I mean like oh, you're a sweetheart who's nervous I've gone on multiple dates with the sweetheart who's nervous. I will I will see that through because you can bring him out I'm talking about boring uninteresting like self-centered Like yeah, it's a different thing where I'm like you were a bad time because you haven't decided that Learning how to interface with another person is worth your time in this life Mm-hmm, and you think that we had an amazing date that's shocking. Yeah, shocking. Okay, shocking to me So my cockroach story. Yes, so sorry Don't be sorry. I love the day that we're having and I would do anything for you in any lifetime basically Pretty much at the I want to say the hour and minute and second that I announced that I was gonna be doing 75 Caleb Which resulted in 38 Caleb they put up a sign on my block that they would be opening a Taco Bell But I want to say 271 feet from my front door That's really really tough 271 feet and I'm almost certain that's right because I once talked to a guy on Grindr who was about at that place He was at the talk. He was at the Taco Bell. Yeah, what's your order by the way my talk about order? Well, I won't be having one anymore and here's why I See that they're putting in the Taco Bell and I feel a feeling that can only be described do you like? if you were it was if it was like Vietnam during the war and Your child had gone away to serve and then you got a knock at the door and saw an officer in their best uniform That's how it felt when I saw the Taco Bell sign go up. I knew what was coming for me I knew it wasn't good news They don't drop by in uniform to let you know everything's going well, right? So I said I'm just wanted to let you know He's he's he's actually killing it. He's killing so many people We're winning by the way. Yeah, he's not doing drugs in the woods. He's not dead So that's how I felt when I saw the sign go up and then last night in a moment of what can only be described as pure weakness I Decided I got off a city bike and it was about 10 p.m And I said I'm gonna stop and get talk about 74 Caleb. I said 74 Caleb. I said 38 Caleb right right right. I said hey, look I'm gonna get a little something from talk about I haven't eaten since lunch I'm gonna get one chicken quesadilla and one soft taco now. What was my order before that? Thank you for asking my order in the past has been a chicken quesadilla a cherry Pepsi two soft shell tacos and maybe a beefy five layer burrito Enough food to feed six to seven youth sports teams I said I'm gonna get one chicken quesadilla one soft taco no soda call it Mm-hmm. I walk into the Taco Bell feeling weak feeling embarrassed already feeling ashamed that I've even walked into the Taco Bell Immediately over my foot crawls the biggest cockroach I've ever seen in my life. You said it's a sign. I Still no right walked further into the Taco Bell On the phone with my friend. I said oh my god the biggest cockroach in the world just crawled over my foot in this Taco Bell As I'm saying that I start typing on the screen quesadilla. It's screen now. It's screen I start God you lost our way lost our way. I start typing quesadilla onto the screen and then I just got hit with a moment of clarity Where I was like you need to turn around and leave this Taco Bell and I said to my phone my friend on the phone I said hey, I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm being weird. I just realized I have to get the fuck out of this Taco Bell And I turned around and left the Taco Bell. Wow and went home and ordered Popeyes So look look life is worth living. Oh wow. Yeah, it's beautiful That's kind of there was this video that I take one more thing. Sorry. Of course Popeyes was called Popeyes showed up cold. Well, if you order it. I was way too hungry. Didn't even put it in the air for I ate it cold What are you gonna do? Well probably at some point sink medical help, but At this moment, I'm gonna eat cold Popeyes. Yeah, they'd also probably had a cockroach in it I have kind of no self-respect and I don't eat up food. Oh The third time you said you don't have self-respect on the show by the way obsessed I have to work on this you have self-respect. Okay Just every day start saying it. I have self-respect That's the crazy thing about affirmations is they you do it and you go I'm a sociopath because I'm speaking to myself in the mirror being like I'm okay Yeah, and then guess what it works. I have been told I'm one of the greatest manifestors of my generation Yeah, and I don't believe in it Do you do do any kind of affirmation? Sure. I'm telling myself things all the time Yeah, it's how I get through the world. Yeah, I go you're incredibly brave. You're so strong Caleb You can do this kill You actually like that thing on your calendar that you have to do. Yeah, Caleb you are charming and hot and people love you All the time I tell myself these things and it's made a beautiful life for me see fair I go I'm late. I'm late. I'm late. Everyone's mad at me My apartment's disgusting. I'm late. I'm reviled. I'm late. I'm disgusting. I've never looked worse It's and yet you're a delight your hot your gorgeous people love to see you Thank you. I relate to seeing me today and you know what I felt 15 more minutes to be excited to see my friends Andy That's what I thought I was late. Well, that's the thing is because I my new thing is setting alarm so that I don't be late Yeah And I set it for PM of course well But also I think that you were living in the moment you were having fun. That's true I was having a delightful lunch with my dear friends and a bones to be in a mesquite and today I was in a space where I could be okay with that yeah There are a lot of days. I'm not a lot of days. I would punish you. Yeah in the past But then we said we said it was always supposed to be 12 15 in every universe We were gonna get coffee 15 minutes after we said we would there You know what it was if we had met at at 12 something bad the universe was preventing something bad from happening There was probably oh a 15-minute line at that coffee shop at 12 mm-hmm and by getting there at 12 15 I saved us we avoided it entirely yep or a gunman or something right Equivalent situation. There was probably an active gun situation. There was an active shooter at that coffee shop at 12 Yeah, it had all been cleared up by the time we got there at 12 15 Yeah, because if we had showed up he would have gone through with it because we weren't there. He said he said well It's if there's never really no targets. Yeah You walked in put this gun and he was like oh man Fuck who was here. Yeah fuck Did we keep that in the special uh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was funny. I love talking about active shooters I don't know. It's just like oh oh the thing that happens Tori it's a huge fear of mine. It's happening all the time. I'm not allowed to joke about it Oh sorry the thing that I fear all the time going out in public. I'm completely terrified of an active shooter situation I'm gonna talk about it to take power away. Yeah, if you don't want me to talk about it Take the guns away. Yeah, make it stop happening. It's happening everywhere. Yeah every once in a while This is a really sick and truth thought that I have and we might cut this. Yep There will be a day where I realize I haven't heard about a really bad mass shooting in a while Maybe those are over I know and then and then of course and then you open the phone. Yeah, it's never over But there are days where I go, wow, we haven't had one of those in like a while. I know But usually it's just because maybe we didn't hear about it Well, and I'm saying really bad. I'm saying like, I'm not even hurting when just like three or four people get killed. - Yeah. - And that's where we're at. - I know. - We're at a place where I'm like, when they say there was a mass shooting and they only got three or four people, I go, I only actually lives in my brain now. - I know. - 'Cause I'm like, oh, it wasn't 20 or 50. - It's so fun. - That's fucking crazy. - It's crazy. - And it's not because I see that and I still try to like, muster some like, human like heartbreak over it, because I'm like, I want this to be novel. I want this to be a unique thing for my brain to be experiencing. But yeah, if it's not like 10 plus people, I kind of go like, oh, we haven't had a big one in a while. (sighing) (laughing) - I know. And I actually don't want to cut that because it's reality. - I know. - It's so scary and it happens all the time and I'm like, yeah, so I think about it all the time. - It's really not good. - I used to refuse to go to movies on premier nights. - Same. - I was like, I won't go to the first big night. - Well, I'm always casing the joint. - Yeah. - I get in and I'm going, I'm making my plan. - Yeah. - Faked it. (laughing) - That's my big plan. - Sorry. - You just, you like fake deadness section they haven't even gotten to yet. (laughing) - Someone stands up too fast to go to the bathroom and I, (laughing) - Like the shooters, the shooters only work in the right side of the room. - No, a guy that looks to the left and you're like this. (laughing) - I've drawn an X's on my ass. (laughing) - He looks, he looks to the side of the room he has even looked at yet, you're in a chalk outline of yourself. - I've popped to the blood capsule and I'm out. (laughing) - You like catch up on yourself, he's like, babe. - It's a guy that's not even a shooter. He just got up to go to the bathroom too fast. (laughing) - No, it gets really, one thing that gets really hard that I noticed is like when I was depressed and didn't care if I lived or died, life was actually pretty easy. - Right. - And not scary at all. - Right. - I was like, oh my god, like-- - He said do it. - I was like, yeah, fucking god, I would love that. Like somebody do it. - When I was really, really dealing with chronic illness, I was like, give it happens, it happens. - Yeah. - Look. - And then once you like being alive, whoa. - I've had a good life. - Yeah. Oh yeah, that was a big part of my depressive era. I was like, you did a good one. - Yeah. - You're a good, a better wife than a lot of people. - Yeah, I was like really in it with the illness when after the first season of Debra's. And I was like, hey, I got to make a season of a TV show with my friends. - Yeah. - Would it be, at least I have that. - Yeah, that's beautiful and so sad. - Yeah. - Yeah, and then once you start to like being alive, it gets so annoying because it's like, oh my God, I fucking have to go to the dentist. I literally want to live. - I know. - I like want to have my same teeth in like 40 years. That's so annoying. - It is annoying. - Do you have a good dentist? - What? - I have an amazing dentist. And I'm not saying his name, but he's in Kansas City. - Okay, I love that. - And I love him and his whole staff. - I used to have an amazing dentist and then unfortunately he passed. But then they continued to email me from the clinic, but they never changed his name. - Okay. - From the emails, and then I kept gaslighting myself being like, did he not actually die? And did I like have a false memory of him dying? But then I opened the email and it's like after his pat, you know, it's like, let's change the Gmail name. - Let's change the Gmail name in a big way. - Yeah, 'cause you keep kind of making me think my sanity has gone. - I will say my dentist staff has gotten really obsessed with like my career in a way that's extremely Kansas City. So every time I come in, you know, I go in like every three, four months when I'm in town, and every time I come in, it'll be like people popping out of rooms that they really shouldn't be popping out of. To be like, we saw the devil wears Prada too. - They're like covered in blood. - You were truly, someone's like writhing in the chair and they're like, we saw it. (laughing) - Pulling the teeth. - Truly, it's crazy. And I'm like, okay, thank you guys. - My old dentist, my brother and I used to go to the dentist together and then for some reason, the dentist thought we were married. (laughing) We kept being like, why does everyone in the dentist's office think we're married? It's totally normal for two adult siblings to go to the dentist together. - We're obviously adult siblings who do dentists at the same time. - Yeah, they're all there seeing is Jake Honegan, Sandy Honegan, so then I, you know, they're going, hey, okay, so your husband's still in there, but you know, and I was going, - Oh, there's a couple that got a sitter for the kid, so they could come at the same time. - That's sweet. - Obviously, clearly, yeah, that's so funny. He also was so enthusiastic. He would like, when he would check my teeth, he would have the little, you know, the thing where he kind of like pokes it to see if they're good. He would go, oh, yes, really good, amazing, gorgeous, gorgeous, he was like, (laughing) oh, fuck. He'd be like, oh, amazing, incredible. And then finally, when I went, he never did anything to my teeth, I went to another dentist in LA and he went, who was your last dentist? We have work to do. (laughing) And then he goes, oh, you was literally like, your last dentist was, like, (laughing) I don't understand why he didn't do anything. (laughing) - Oh, I'm fucking love that. - Yeah. - Sandy, what's so true to you? - Oh, okay, I was trying to think about this, and then the only thing that was coming to mind for me is just immediate because this is what I'm experiencing on this trip right now to New York. - I think that we should all collectively agree to not wear good, nice shoes. - Yeah, stop. - Stop. - Shoes can't be cute in New York. - No, let's stop the outfit here. - Yes. - Because I'm in pain. - Yes. - And I'm traveling, and I don't want my bag to be that heavy. - Yes, I only can wear cute shoes if I'm carrying to the event and home from the event. - And even barely then. - And if the event is mostly sitting. - Literally, yes. - I don't understand. And then I'm like, do I have particularly bad feet or is everyone experiencing this and they're just silently in pain? - They're powering through it. - To what end? - We have, I was about to say, we have but one foot, but we have to work, of course. - We have but one foot. - But we do have but two feet. - Yeah. - So if we're lucky. - Most of us, yeah, if you're lucky. - And I just, I'm wearing my absolute ugliest shoes on this trip. - Yeah. - Of course we're getting it. - Yeah. - But I'm like, whatever, every other trip I go on, if I don't bring these shoes, I am in so much pain. - And do you know what is the worst part of all this? - What? - Even accounting for everything that you've just said that I've just vehemently agreed to. I think we both know the shoe makes the fit. - I know, it's like that's the thing that sucks. - And unfortunately it breaks the fit. - Because I'm literally, I'm looking amass this entire trip. I bought a really, really cute little skirt from this store. Have you ever been to Lagoon in bedside? - Of course not. - It's the cutest thing I've ever seen. I just want to shout out. And I bought this little skirt and I was like, I literally can't wear on this trip because all I have are my absolute ugliest sneakers. - Yeah. - And they're so ugly. - It's not stopping, it's not stopping any of the, oh, I saw them earlier, I caught them. It's not stopping any of the girls in Brooklyn. Most of the girls in Brooklyn are wearing some busted ass shoes with some busted ass clothes as well. There's a lot of people dressing busted as fucking Brooklyn. And I legitimately love them, they're my family. - That's how it used to be. But I'm just like, if we all collectively agree to wear ugly shoes, then we, nobody you're so right, it does make the fit. - It does, it makes our breaks the fit. The shoes are everything. - When I learned about shoes, I know. I literally was like mortified for all the years that I've gone wearing sneakers. I didn't even know you could have more than one pair. And by the way, my mom came into my apartment now that I have like four pairs of shoes. She came into my apartment and went, a lot of shoes. - Well, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but keep in mind, your mom has a lot of stuff in her house as well. (laughing) - Well, and by the way, her, the way that she has shoes is if she finds a pair of shoes that she likes, she will buy six of the identical pair. - Love her. - In the closet, because she goes, I know I like them, and I know they're not gonna make them forever. So I'm gonna just, when you run through shoes. - I do this sometimes with shirts and pants. There's a pair of pants I've bought several times from Levi's and I'm just in case they ever stop making it. I've got two backups in the closet. I should have done it. I have a shirt that I'm in love with right now and everyone will know what shirt it is 'cause it's a plain white t-shirt I've been wearing every single day, (laughing) but I love it, and I almost, it was cheap. I almost bought multiple copies of it. - Copies. - I didn't, and it's fucking sold out now. - I'll be, I'll be since sold out. - I'm about to write to the company and say, you need to make more copies of the shirt and send them to me, please. I'll post that you did it, please. - I've gotten really obsessed with if I find, like I have this jacket that I've had for 15 years. It's the best thing I've ever owned. - I know it. - The green. - You were getting alterations on it because it was like truly ripped in every place. - Yes, but instead what I did, instead of alterations is I found, and by the way, I'm loving them backing up. But the, I found the identical jacket, it was like a vintage jacket that I got for like four cents and like a goodwill bins. Found the identical one on eBay. It took months, ordered it. Now I have a brand new version. That's not as good, of course, 'cause it's like brand new. But all my friends make fun of me, of course, 'cause they say I'm going cartoon character mode. - Well, when something works, it works. - I know. - And by the way, we all end up wearing the same thing, honey. Dirt. - And say that. - Say that. - Who cares if my shoes are ugly? We're all going in the same place. Six feet and da. - Six feet and da. - Love. - How do you want to be buried or not? - I legitimately do not. I'm not, and this is going to sound like a bit. I'm not fully convinced that I will die. And, and if I-- - There might be a cure soon. I don't understand. - I just don't see a world without me. - Yeah. - Does that make sense? - Of course, because you're you. (laughing) - I do not see a world without me. - 'Cause how could you? You all have only known a world with you. - For a long time, I was obsessed with the idea of a world without me. I was like, let's make it a reality quick. (laughing) And then I got to a place where I was like, this world needs me. - It is true. - I need me. - People really need you. - I need me in this world, and I don't see a way that the world could go on without me, and also my greatest fears that it will when I pass. If that makes any sense. - I guess it always does. It does, no matter who goes, no matter who you are, the world goes on, and that is scary to me. And I also will say, I think I'd like to be cremated, but that scares me because I touch and feel my body now and I go, they're gonna burn it. - Right. - But then I don't know what the idea is. - I worry about cremation for the environment. It can't be good, right? - Cremation? - Yeah. - I think better. But burial is the worst. - Burial is the worst. But what about just throwing me in a hole? - Throwing you in a hole. Throwing you in a hole is, I guess, probably best case. - Yeah. - Yeah, for the environment. - I, yeah. - For the environments go. - You know what I just learned about. - Tell me about it. - They can compost your body now. - They can compost your body, they can make you tree, they can make you jewelry. And I know this because when my dad died, one of the funniest things that happened is, we were at the funeral home and they were telling us all the things we can do with his ashes. And they go, you know, we can even, there's things we can do now. We can put your loved ones ashes into a piece of art. He's being very sweet and thoughtful. He goes, we could put your loved ones ashes into a piece of art. And my grieving grandmother goes, "No art!" (laughing) And we go, okay, girl, they're not gonna make us do a painting with dad. Like, relax, like, we won't put him in the painting. - Wait, I'm really laughing right now at the idea of like, if there was a guy who was in charge of making that art and like, he made like the worst ugliest paintings. And then you put your hat. - You're a painting man, I it sucks. - Like, it's like so ugly and bad. Like, you know the woman that like, fixed the painting of Jesus and made a monkey. - Yeah. - Like if it was like that kind of thing. And then you kind of like, had to put it up. - Yeah, you're like, "Well, that's dad." - Yeah. - Yeah. - They, you know what they can do now? They can turn your loved one into a Samsung frame. (laughing) - I would actually love that. I would love that. Now, I think my best case, I don't think it's gonna happen for me, I'd love to be like stuffed and presented. (farting sound) Like, they put me in a museum or something. They stuff me and put me in a museum. And I'm just standing. - I'm sitting like this. (laughing) - A couple from another country's having a fight in front of me. - Someone's hanging their bag on your wrist. - She was, - Oh, can you hold this? - There's like three, 15 year olds sitting charging their phone on a bench right there. - Oh, they put the charger in you. - No. - They can turn your loved one into a charging home. (laughing) - I'm a charging hub. - Yeah, they can put USB-C and USB. - Yeah, my dick is a charger. - Yes. Well, it could be fun if you're kind of-- - I'm naked, by the way. - Okay, so if you, they can turn your loved one into kind of like a coffee table, but you're like this. - Yeah. - So you can also hold drinks. - Are they drinking for 'em? - Yeah. - And I make this face. - Yeah, and you go, thanks buddy. - Yeah. Hey, cheers. Yeah, I think it'd be fun. That'd be fun to get stuffed and put on display. - Yeah. - Yeah. Oh my god, a fuckable meme. - Right? - Oh my god. They put me on all fours. - Oh yeah. - And they put in like a fake robot hole that's really fun to fuck. Sorry. - Really fun. - You wouldn't want to fuck my actual hole forever it would like to K. - Right. - But if you put in like a basic - A good latex flashlight. - Yeah, a flashlight. - Like a latex hole, aftermarket. You put an aftermarket hole on me. (laughing) I would love to someday be a bottom. - At bottom before, but it wasn't for me. So I could be in at bottom in the afterlife. - Yeah, that's so sweet. - I think we've been recording for two hours. (laughing) - Well, it's okay because we have to cut half of it. - Yeah, we have to cut a lot of it. I'm trying to decide if we'll cut Michelle saying that I'll use skin marks in the toilet. I'm not embarrassed of it, but I think it makes her look bad. It makes her look like an ungrateful and unfaithful employee. Like future employers might see her do that and go, "This girl cannot be trusted." Right? Because she might tell if I've skipped more. - That's one thing about all three of these people, the guys at Earmuffs, they don't appreciate how good they have it. Like they don't understand like another employer would like, "But rate you and like do all these kind of things." - And you only do that on pod. - I only do that on pod as a joke. Like in real life, I'm such a sweet boss. And like the three of them have no appreciation or respect for like how bad things can actually be. - Yeah. - And so they-- - Well, you should show them. Teach them a lesson. - They act with like impunity, they act like crazy, and they don't realize like someday you might have to work for someone who actually sucks. (laughing) - Sandy, I'm gonna read you 15 statements. - You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said is true or false. - Okay. - And if you get 10 or more correct, we're gonna give you 50 US dollars. And as the show has grown, we have not raised the number. Are you ready? - That's okay. - There are eight planets in our solar system. - False. - True. - Ah! - False. - Wait, how many do I have to get right? (laughing) - That's the first question. If you get 10 or more correct. Wells Fargo is the oldest bank in the US. - False. - False, it's the Bank of New York. Michael Keaton is the oldest of seven children. - Sure, true. - False, he's the youngest. - The show Lucifer was never nominated for an Emmy. - True. - False, it was one time. - For what? - What is it? - Uh, Lucifer? Oh no, that's a chance type thing. New Haven's nickname is the Elm City. - I'm from there and I don't know. - True. False. - True. - Count that for her. - The sea otters have the sea otters have the densest fur of any animal in the world. - Sea otters, false. - True. The human heart has three chambers. - True. - False, four. - What? (laughing) - Ottawa is the capital of Canada. - Uh, false. - True. - There are no. (laughing) - There are no mammals that lay eggs. - True, false. - False, five species. (laughing) - It's gotta be one and the other. - The current. - As soon as I say it, I know. As soon as I say true, I know it's false. (laughing) - The current president of NYU is Richard Beck. - No, false. - False, it's Linda G. Mills. - Yes, I knew that one. - Fisher Price was originally a clock manufacturer. - False? - It's always toys. The Dead Sea Shore is the lowest point on land on earth. - True. - That's true. The smallest bone in the human body is in the foot. - True. - False, here. - Here. - Jennifer. (laughing) - Jennifer, Jennifer is from Kansas City. - True. - False. - St. Louis. - She's from, of course, St. Louis. (laughing) - Connecticut is the 48th largest state in the US. (laughing) - That would be real, wait, 40th largest. - Yeah. - So that would mean it's the second smallest. - True. - That's true. How'd she do? - Did you know I'm from Connecticut, and that's why it was Connecticut-based? - Yes, all the trivia is guest specific, and you'd hit a very strong six. - Strong six. - But what about the ones where as soon as I said it, I knew it was wrong? - Yeah, yeah. (laughing) - What about the ones where I gave an answer and felt Caleb's energy shift? (laughing) - What about the one where you said the foot, and I immediately went, it's the ear. - The ear. - Fuck it's the ear. - Fuck it's the ear. - The way you say it, you sound so convincing. - Yeah, thank you. That's really beautiful, thank you. That's why you should host a game show. - I work really, really hard on this show. - Yeah, I know. - It is so hot in here. - Can you tell that I'm completely sobbing with it? - Oh, I'm dripping with sweat. - This is why you understand the studio is charming, but we need to move. Sandy, please tell people where they can find you and how they can support you. - Oh my gosh, okay. Well, you can find me, I guess on fucking Instagram, I don't know. I have a new short film that's coming out that I want to talk about. - Yes. - How long can I talk about it? - Say it now. - Okay, it's called Utopia Air. It's gonna premiere on this thing called Chunks. That's gonna be, I'll have a link. But basically a Tropotrap House podcast produced this comedy anthology and they commissioned six brand new short films, comedy "Freaky Diki" and they let me do one. - I can't wait. - And I'm really happy with it. I've been trying to make it for like three years. - I love it. I'm so excited, I can't wait to watch. - I'm really excited. My friend Phoebe's at all the animation. She's like unbelievable. We've been trying to work together and something forever. - Yeah. - 'Cause she did a lot of animation on Debra's and she's really talented and I was like, I just need to get money and then we can do something. - Hell yeah. - Yeah. - I can wait for people to watch it. We'll go follow Sandy, we love you. Thanks for doing it.