Sam Tripoli Demonetized This Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 884

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Use code YMH at checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more or visit cigarsinternational.com slash YMH and the discount applies automatically. Some exclusions apply. Can I tell you something? You're right. We need assholes and you know what we need? No more crybaby pussies. Do you know that I'm into fashion designers? I read about their lives. You know Saint Laurent? This guy Saint Laurent. He took over Christian Dior when Dior died. Do you know that he was, thank you so much Nana, he was inducted into the military. He's got this career, went to go fight a war, came back so shell-shocked and traumatized and guess what? He still went on to become fucking Saint Laurent. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Dior's sister was in a concentration camp during World War II and he lost everything. And these people still fucking went on. They fought through it. Chanel, same thing. Her nephew was in a concentration camp. Yeah. She loses everything. It's like, what the fuck is wrong with people now? Like, look, life will always suck. So what are you going to do? Life is always going to suck. It's like how you deal with it. And now we got this new thing with everything's mental, mental health. Oh, you need your mental health, which is just a game to get you on pharmaceuticals. Which I'm on and I love them. I don't know if you're on Prozac yet. No, I'm not on Prozac. Oh, you got to get on. What are you on? I'm on life. I'm on, I'm burning everything down. It's the warm weather. That's what I'm on right now. It's chaos. So anyways, so we have this thing where it's like, I believe the universe tells you that get the fuck out of what you're doing. Yeah. And we don't want to hear it. Yeah. And we just want to numb ourselves and keep going down that. Hey, listen, you've done a lot of great things. There's a lot of great, there's a lot of people out there that life isn't working out. Yeah. And they just don't want to deal with it. And it's like, the universe talks to you all the fucking time, dude. It's like, oh, mental health. Everyone's got mental health. It's just like, you're quirky. Like, deal with it. Well, and also too, Duncan and I were talking about this last time he was on the show. It's like, also just kind of normalize being on a bender. You know what I mean? Like when your life is in the toilet, like my life was fucking in the toilet. Why? What happened? I mean, literally I spent the whole summer either in a pub, like I would just go get drunk alone and meet like sweet gay guys, or I would. They're the best. They're the best. When you're sad. When a woman breaks, like women and men deal with breakup way better. Women have a system, right? They got a gay guy tells them their fears, new haircut. Guys just bottom out, dude. And we end up in bum fights and we're fighting homeless people. And then it takes another woman lifting us up to get our head out of our ass. Oh, I don't, let's not hope for that. Let's, I mean, I hope not. God, that's all I need is a step mom. Homosexuality, right? Yeah, please, please let Tom be gay. I hope you get the biggest fucking blast. I hope you get the biggest black guy and he just wrecks you and you're happy. Like I hope you get metal world peace, crazy black, just a crazy black that just lights you the fuck up. You deserve happiness. Can I tell you something, Sam Tripoli? I went to bed last night with a big smile on my face knowing that you would be here. Oh, I love you so much. I've loved you so much. One of three people that still like me. What? Yeah, everyone thinks I'm a crazy person. You are a crazy person. Last time I was in LA, I got called, last time I was in Austin, I got called anti. I was a medic three times. I live with a Jew. Weird Nazi. Like I take care of a Jewish grandma. Like I'm the weirdest Nazi ever. I just, my whole thing is like, I love to talk shit. Yeah, of course. And I don't think anyone's above talking shit. Of course. And when no one can talk shit for you, about you forever, and someone just busts your balls, you're like, wah. Racism. It's like, I got in a fight with somebody on Twitter about like, I think Satanism is worse than racism. Okay. Let's do this opening clip. I'm so thrilled. Sam Tripoli's here. Is that too much? I have racist uncles. They're entertaining. I never had a Satanist uncle. Well, you're Armenian. Yeah, we're, oh, by the way, our most. You guys are the biggest genocide victims. 100%. Yeah, people forget it. Guess what? My whole, my grandpa's whole, yeah, they don't even give a shit. It's like, we don't have value. Like, they killed my great grandpa's whole family, moved here, and just opened up a fucking parking lot and made mad cash. Come back. It's like, deal with your fucking trauma. Well, you know what? Or, you don't even have to deal with it thoroughly in this lifetime. You just have to get functional enough that you're not beating your kids, torturing everyone around you, and make a living. Like, you're not going to, you're not going to solve it all in one lifetime. Okay? You're fucked. Everybody's fucked. The key is to turn your mental illness into fucking money. That's the key. Thank you. Commodify your suffering. Yeah, 100%. If you can find a way to commodify your suffering, you have won the fucking game of life. Yes, 100%. Hold on. And this guy, too. You got your cans on? Yeah. Okay, here we go. I'm on the. I'm on the shitter, and I have diarrhea. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. There's something spiritual about that. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Just jerking off ghost it's sam triple e he's your stepdad for two days episode he's just as unhinged as i am which is why i've loved him for years i love the broken dude But you and I really, I think it's our, it's our, what's most likable and our tragic flaw is that we just let it rip. Yeah. Let it go. We probably shouldn't let it rip as much as we do. No, it's the most freeing shit ever. Like, imagine if you go, oh, I shouldn't say that. Imagine if you listen to that voice in your head. It's this thing that me and Steve Randolph used to talk about. It's like, not all clean comics are assholes, but most asshole comics were clean, right? a hundred percent the worst people oh he's a clean comic oh he's a cocksucker sucks yeah 100 bill cosby yeah piece of jerry seinfeld piece of shit piece of shit and it's just like okay because they have to make business decision we can just let it rip like i always say like let your freak out talk about all your fucking it's like authenticity that that is the key to everything being authentic and as broken as you possibly can you if you don't know sam tripoli you gotta check out his podcast i once got robbed by the same hooker twice in one day like i love talking about that shit well visit sam tripoli.com for tickets what are you talking about so oh hey you've got a special coming out and then i want you to tell me about getting robbed by a hooker twice in the same day. Yeah, my drug days. My special drop, Luis Gomez and the people over at Gas Digital were nice enough to let me do my show. Let me do my special. If you love racially insensitive material, go to samtriplee.com or you remember last time, wiggerwhite.com. You can go there too. That will take you way to the, or you can go to samtriplee.com slash go to youtube.com at samtriplee comedy. Have we been demonetized yet? have we the first seven minutes we've dropped an n-bomb we've jacked air are we live streaming i thought you guys beeped the shit what happened to beeping i mean you guys got a whole system you don't beep i got a mexican that beeps everything i'll get don't worry i just went down to home depot it's like which one do you guys know how to work a computer wait how did you get robbed twice well i was a i was a drug addict man i was like well we know that wait hold on where can people watch your special first of all at samtripley.com i won't say the other website again samtripley.com or youtube.com at samtripley comedy okay check him out you guys trips is one of the like og comedy store everybody loves you you're so fucking funny You're never afraid of saying shit, and I just love you for it. And you're one of my favorite people in comedy. - I love you so much. - We've had a love affair going for 30 fucking years. - Love affair. - Love you. - I was, yeah, when the news dropped, I was like devastated. - Yeah. - And I honestly, I treated you guys, and this may not be-- - You can leave it. - Okay, but. - Unless it's, I don't wanna talk negatively about it. - No, like I treated your guys' divorce like my parents' divorce. I literally like, I don't wanna, what happened i love mom and dad i just i don't my brother got right into the divorce and finding out like what my dad did and i was like i don't need to know i know he's like i'm my father's son we're knuckle draggers okay i don't need to know i'm just gonna love mom and dad that's all that's how i have to handle it i think a lot of people took our divorce like that because it was paradigm shifting i think you're right i think people were like i feel like i got blackpilled i think my reality is i've never seen a reaction to anything like that before it's like devastating and i'm living it and i still can't wrap my head around my own reality crazy because you guys are so love and i think they gosh everyone i i don't know if you want to hear this but i think everyone's like you guys are our only hope yeah and then it was like oh there's no love in the world we were just right we all of our relationships were on the verge of breaking up after we heard should i just walk out now well you want to hear something really interesting that happens i think that for 20 great years we really were a beacon of hope i think for the first we were and i think at some point shit changes people change but i think i think we had the real deal for a long time tommy and i yeah we really did we really did i always you know it's like i i was always like why is why do you guys click so well and and the truth of the matter is like tommy's tom i've always said this about tom he is the smartest comic i've ever met in my life brilliant man the batting average of this dude is great and everyone get mad at me but your mom's house work because you are an assassin and you're yes fellas what do you think the most important organ in the bedroom is and before you whip out the measuring tape let me stop you because it's actually your brain getting physical starts with your mental and that's why blue chew gold targets it first blue chew gold is the only four in one 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it's by far the better season when it comes to being outside from the crisp air to the changing leaves fall makes me want to watch spooky movies while the darkness outdoors takes hold earlier and earlier each day no matter where you find yourself this time of year it'll be a better experience when paired with the american original that is mountain dew hailing from the foothills of tennessee in 1948 and brought to life by two brothers who knew all about having a good time outside it embodies the kind of simple roots you can't help but respect i love the taste of that crisp citrus kick especially after hanging out in a hot tub or around a fire pit with my friends when it's a little chilly out mountain dew is my go-to when we're sitting outside and enjoying a nice chilly evening because it's so refreshing and so lovely get out there and enjoy the outdoors with mountain dew an american original tasting great since 48 look for mountain dew in stores near you so how did you get robbed twice and one day by the same hooker i uh i was a crippling drug addict and uh i wanted drugs because you get sober you're like i'm not gonna do drugs you get rid of all the drug dealers in your in your phone and then you're like i need drugs you just drive around and you're like oh i know who has drugs hookers so i'm like hey can you buy oh yeah so she gets in she's like i gave her 40 i'm like 20 for you just give me drugs she took her purse i'm like oh she's gonna rob me i sat there for like 45 minutes nothing and i drove around a bunch of times again wait wait wait wait you just sat around for 45 minutes in the car with yeah just no just talking oh waiting for her to come back with drugs yes yeah okay and then she didn't so then i kept driving around looking for more and i saw her again i'm like no one will rob somebody twice nobody will rob a person twice and she robbed me again you asked her for more drugs with for money i'm like listen things happen you know nobody you know you just didn't have your best forgave her so so uh anxiously attached you're like i'll just i'll just hang in there just help me out i'm almost six years sober so that was a different time well yeah you've you know you're you're in the parenting world now you got kids yeah it's crazy which by the way i i have to pause this program in half an hour to do a parent-teacher conference what the are you gonna tell me yeah what are you gonna tell me what are we talking about why don't you email me when something's wrong why are you don't tell me he's fine i know he's fine so the homework from kindergarten to first grade is a quantum leap oh my god your first one you're just doodling in kindergarten you're like oh that's cute and then first grade they're actually yeah we get like eight pages of homework i'm like that's a lot of freaking homework and that's like singapore math which i don't understand and i'm reading the kids i'm like i don't even know what that word is dude and then she corrects me i'm like okay i'll smack the i would never i've never hit my kids ever not yet no no did your parents hit you you're a median my dad chucked me across the room one time when i beat the on my brother yeah i grabbed and then he just grabbed me it's like enough and he threw me like boom bro like a midget toss you ever see what i love me i'm like won't do that again where did you hit the wall or what did you land on the floor yeah i hit the wall fell down did you break anything no just bruised just just my ego check yeah and i think it's important for boys especially because my boys can each other up pretty bad oh yeah so me and my brother used to fight all the time and we would make up new wrestling belts like new federations and i would be like you're the adc champion and then i beat the out of them and i'd be like new adc champion all the time just beating the crap brother knows that he's a little nervous from me. He's your younger, though. Yeah, and here's something very weird, right? Me and my brother used to fight all the time as kids. And now we're, like, super close and super good with each other, right? But, like, a lot of people I know that were, like, really close with their siblings when they were younger now are fighting with them all the time. Oh, yeah. I wonder what switched. Like, why would that work out that way? It's very weird to me. Like, oh, I don't talk to my brothers anymore. I'm like, that's weird to me. Like, I got Larry Watts felt me up, dude. And I almost got by Father Dan, but it didn't happen because I think this is a true story, because I'm a grower, not a shower. And I think it's, like, it's not worth it. Father Dan, did you go to church or he was your school? Like, he was around you in school. How did you get access to you? He was this Catholic priest that would just take boys out on, like, what they call blood baths. It was like, I'm like, that's a weird name for this shit. So, hold on. Was your family Catholic? Did you go to church? My dad, something happened. My daddy hated religion. Yeah. I think something bad happened way back in the day. My mom was like, we're cool. So, she brought me, like, to a Protestant church like twice, and that was it. So, then how'd you get, how'd a Catholic guy? Because Father Dan, the other boys, they're like, bring any of your friends. He was, like, loading it up. What's the blood bath? It was this thing where he'd take you out, like, and do a bunch of activities, and then we'd all we'd all jacuzzi together. Dude, the shit that we used to put up with before is insane. We had a football coach that would shower with us and then give awards to who had the biggest dick. He's like, oh, Billy's huge today. See? This is why my sons never spend the night at anybody's fucking house. You're not doing an overnight camp. Nothing. Because this is how boys get diddled. And people think I'm an uptight mom. Oh, you don't want him to do sleep? No. Your kid can sleep in my house, but I'm not letting my kid sleep at your fucking house. No sleepaway camp. None of that shit. And it's really weird, like, our reaction to the diddlers. Like, we're, we're, oh, no. Is that you? No, man. What's that? Why is my kid calling me? She's only six. Call her. Answer it. I don't even know who that is, dude. Sorry about that. No. It never rings. That's the weirdest thing. I have it on vibrate. Um, silent, actually. Yeah, it's really weird how we react to diddlers. Well, I don't know. Like, we hate guys who, like, make white actresses uncomfortable. Right. Like, oh my god, he touched my butt, and then they're just completely ran out of society. But a diddler, like, everyone's, I don't know if it's too dark. I think people are so, it's so vile, child, and so shameful, and so horrible that we but we don't even want to look at it as a society. - It makes us really uncomfortable. - But that's why on european moms do yeah and especially the you know women are encouraged to be polite and nice and not say no and not be like that guy's a fucking creep keep your kids away i'm not nice and i don't give a fuck and i'm gonna i tell women if even if i'm walking in the park there's a creeper i go hey there's a creeper up there stay the fuck away yeah and you'll be like what be like why are you here i've done that at the park like hey man how's it going where are your kids yeah oh you have no kids here so why are you hanging out at kids park yeah i have to i have kids i wouldn't be here i wouldn't be here if i why are you an adult in the fucking park what are you doing the fucking seesaw right now like what are you doing but i think too and this is very politically incorrect is that isn't it the men's job to regulate creeps this is what dudes used to be able to do it's what we just talked about we need assholes again yeah we've been through the 60s years 60 years of the the hippie movement of love and all that it's gotten it's gotten us nothing but chaos well not nothing look women's movement that's good racial stuff that's good don't you think society's involved it's it's never enough it's like everyone should be treated equal everyone should be having love i don't care what you do in your in your own home you can get as weird as you fucking want you can shove whatever you want as long as you're not hurting kids i don't give a fuck two adults can do whatever the fuck they want i i really don't care as long as it's consensual yeah but in society at the food court at the at the town hall chill the fuck out i don't need to be a jamba juice and know you're a fucking furry okay i don't give a shit just shut the fuck up i'm sorry but that is culture and not only that like these grown adults that dress up and go to disneyland without children and they're like no they're just like you said furries or they're just disney adults it's like really are they yeah why the fuck are we like celebrating you don't know what they're into why the fuck are you at a park with kids and you ain't got no kids 100 but it needs to be the job of the men the elders to correct these assholes again remember back in the day when there were i think louis ck has a bit about this that you go yeah that's that creepy guy so and so stay the fuck away from his house yeah 100 you just knew everybody knows that's a pervert stay away from a pervert you can't even call somebody a pervert now because you're kink shaming i tried to call some i'm not gonna get into names but i push back on some people in hollywood and people got pissed it's weird it's it's especially in hollywood nobody wants to upset the system so they're so afraid if they say something that they'll they'll they'll be excommunicated yeah it's a dying altar you're worshiping a dying altar that's gone it's gone and you're every the problem with la is that everyone's still stuck in 2010 they're in you're in a time capsule and they're still playing the 2010 game and it's dead everyone's moved on to 2010 what was happening remind me political correctness you know all that shit it's like dude i have trans friends trans are the only hot chicks who still hit on me you know what i'm saying so like who i don't hate anybody live your life trans are magical it's true because i have to say that from like the mom community there's a heck of a lot more trans kids in la uh i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know not so many in austin that actually not one that i've heard of the schools my children go to so that's kind of weird societally young cousin my cousin's kid went to school and they had to put a kitty litter box in the bathroom because a kid thought he was a cat is that true i hand that's not just one of those stories hand to god you know this person the little cousin told me he's like yeah they had a kitty litter box in the bathroom you gotta move to texas texas texas don't play that i'm not i'm texas is done we can't they don't need austin's liberal it's liberal enough it's like austin is what la used to be exactly we're progressives yes and conservatives just hung out with each other that's right they didn't see the world the same way that's right they had their little pockets over here they had their little pockets yeah you can be whatever you want here no one gives a shit yeah just fucking i know not in the most not in the it's amazing how the most open-minded people get really angry if you don't see the world the same way they do well that's can i tell you something that's just some la shit though you come out here i feel like you're gonna you're gonna like the way you look i guarantee it i would i would do it tomorrow yo do we have any more m night shama lama if you've been 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cigars internationals unbeatable deals and discounts there's no better time to stock up and take advantage of what is arguably the best time of year to be a cigar guy use code ymh at checkout for 20 off your orders of 50 or more or visit cigars international.com slash ymh and the discount applies automatically some exclusions apply you're going to get a discount you're going to die is this a weird show no it's the best show ever this is how like but just by the way no can i tell you why because i think why good podcasts work is like you know the person that you're sitting across from they're not just some celebrity who you know nothing about like you and i have 30 years of rapport 30 years yeah oh my god it's like i'm gonna talk shit with you because you're my fucking homie if the mics weren't on this is exactly how we'd be talking 100% so this is more interesting like joey diaz says this is the wyatt tap people want to listen to the wyatt oh i love that all right you're gonna die so you know m night shamala malan yes he's decided to become accessible to us now on youtube and he's been sharing his already beat me on youtube four videos of course surpassed me but but what can you show him an example of the deep stuff that he's sharing with us i'm m night shamala i'm a filmmaker make movies for a living we know asshole and my parents made for my youtube channel oh what i hope it is is an opportunity fuck i'm bored who's watching this shit we are is this okay cupid like what are we doing here are you trying to date right now like what what's wrong with the hem of his pants too he can't afford pants that fit he undo the bottom right what's wrong with this guy growing you got scarecrow pants on what is that the messiness it's so messy look how messy he's being right now it's perfect not great it's not great don't worry success for you guys and for me and oh for you too you know it's like 30 years making movies and i wanna undo it a little bit oh you know undo whatever stigmas are in my head what are you talking about shut the fuck turn it off i can't listen it's insufferable indians india's from indians are gonna say something's gonna probably get people indians from india annoy the fuck out of me why they're just like they're they're have you seen india uh my stepdad was in the streets yeah but they come to america because it's better and then the second generation they're like wiggers they become like soundcloud rappers and bang white chicks like indians are now the the acceptable ethnic to bring home to your dad hey i'm down with india i love india my stepdad was indian i have three indian step sisters i'm so down i'll tell you why i like those indians that come here because they're like fuck my country of origin i'm gonna come to america where shit fucking happens yeah but you gotta show listen i like that i love i like any immigrants that come here i love big cities because you get a flavor of everybody yeah but you don't like their flavors no it's you can bring your flavor i'm fine with that it's just you gotta simulate to us assimilate you got yeah assimilate what did i say you said simulate you gotta stimulate us you gotta get us hard quick or you're fucking out If I'm not rock hard within six months of you being here, I want you to fuck out of my country. See, this is what it is. You can't talk to normals like this, Sammy. You cannot talk to regulars. I'm going to lose this whole show. God, I missed you. Check out my special. I love you. Wait, but wait. It's not his Indian-ness. I think it's, for me, and I see what you're saying. I get it. You don't like their culture. You don't like their smelly food. Well, it's just like they have a class system. They believe in, like, you're born in something. You can't get out of there. It's like, this is not how we do it, dude. You come over here. You work hard. And they're cool. I get it. Here, they're fine. Over there, they're like, all the tech guys are ran by Indians. And they're all politically correct. Yet their god is like Sheba the Destroyer, who's got eight arms and rips dicks, but they're sensitive over here. Like, get out of here. Okay, listen. Here's the thing. I see what you're saying. I agree to disagree, because I love the Indians. Yeah, exactly. Thank you. I don't hate Indians. I want to be on the record. Okay. Okay, I just, you can't come here and then set up your own. Don't bring, don't, don't. This is the same thing for Mexicans. I love Mexicans. Okay, we got to cut all this out. Sammy, I'm saving you from yourself. No, you can put it out. I'll say it to anybody. Like, come here. Be cool. I love it. Assimilate. Oh, do. But that's an old school. Don't come here and bring it, and then just do the same thing here. No, that's true. That's what my parents believe, which is like, you come here. That's why I don't know Armenian. Yeah. Because my grandparents are like, no, dude, you got to be American. But that was the way that you did it. Because I know for fuck's sure, if you go over to the Arab world, you think they're going to cater to your bullshit. Yeah, they're like, hey, dude, let's open a trans bar here. Okay, here's the best part. Am I losing everybody? No, not at all. Not at all. M. Night Shyamalan, he's very boring. And he's insufferable. And he's got so many subscribers and people that are interested in listening to him talk about absolute nonsense. I'm so jealous and resentful. It took me years to get as many subscribers as he got in two weeks. What is he sharing with us now? Let's hear the latest. This is the latest. So he's talking to college students. Oh, boy. Shyamalan, I make movies. And when we promote a movie, we go on a thing called a junket, which is kind of you sit in a room and then reporters kind of rotate in and they ask you questions. And they only have a few minutes and they fire questions away. We do this all day long. That you want to do something new with every film by doing something that nobody's ever done before. So what was that for Split? And I kept thinking, well, wouldn't that be fun to do with students, like college students? So this is that. I'm so bored. I get it. No, no, no. Press pause. Press pause. You don't need to set it up with what a press junket is and then show clips of a girl kissing your ass. You're an amazing filmmaker. You can just say, I want to interview college students. Intro done. And he's a fucking filmmaker. I'm not a director of hit movies. I can tell you right now that was way too long. All right. Well, OK, so the point of the story is I'm going to talk to college kids, period. OK, next. I mean, how long does it take to get into the fucking. They all hang out and I got in a booth and I let the kids ask me whatever they wanted. It's called Ask Me Anything. AMA. OK, you retard. You never heard of fucking. Oh, I got to watch him put in the directions now? Why is he dressed like a valet? It'll be weird. We'll see. Oh, weird. And I'm sure some of them will be just more open and ready than others. Ew. I'm also worried what I will do if there's a question that isn't coming from someone's heart. Oh, what's he going to do? Oh, sorry. Press pause. Wait a minute. What's he going to do if a question doesn't come. Hold on. Is that from your heart? That doesn't sound like it's. Dude, I want to fucking kill myself listening to him talk. I want to fucking kill myself. Could you imagine listening to this asshole? You're married to this? His subscribers go down because they've all off themselves. And also, wait, what is he going to do if he doesn't want to answer a question? That's not from someone. What are you going to do? Sam, how would you. Just start slapping him. I don't know, man. I'm dying to see what happens. Okay, let's see. Let's see. I'm going to kill myself. I don't know. I've never been suicidal. Jack GBT thing, you know? Yeah, God forbid. I want to be on pharmaceuticals. Do you think that they're asking AI what to ask me? This guy's acting like he's walking into a Klan meeting. Like, he's about to ask the grand wizard about Indians. Let's go to a wing shop. He needs diarrhea before the show. This place is great. Very nice to meet you. Why is he shaking? What's your name? My name's Andrew DeJonda. Say it again? Andrew DeJonda. It's nice to meet you. What year are you? I'm a junior this year. And what's your field? Can we get some non-binaries in here? Oh, really? I'm always suspect of guys who have good skin. All right, press pause. Again, he has to show us. First of all, he's shaking the waitress's hand as she's running food out. And if you've worked as a server. Hold on. Did you just touch that Indian? Left hand or right hand? That's the problem with that scene. I mean, fuck, you're a server. You're running food out. She's got trays in both hands. And he's like, I'm M. He doesn't even say his stupid name. Why are you just shaking a random server's hand, stupid? Nobody wants to shake a random server's hand. Don't shake your hand, dummy. She's working. God, what a fucking idiot. Yeah, help her, dummy. Yeah, clean up her section. God, you know how much fucking, how hard it is? It's impossible. She's stacking plates. Did you ever wait tables? Of course. Oh, the worst, dude. It's such a hard gig. Oh, my God. It's the hardest. Okay, and then he has to, what, how old are you? What are you doing? Just get to the question, numbnuts. This guy's so nervous, too. This kid with this stupid haircut. He should be like, what's wrong with your haircut? Jesus. Well, they both have stupid haircuts. You come here, first of all. Tell me. Oh, yeah, I come here a lot. So this is your spot. Oh, you come here. This is your spot. Yeah, no shit. Actually, the mac and cheese bites. Oh, actually. Wow. He looks like he's eating a turd. He's never had a mac and cheese bite in his life. No, they can't. No. That's the thing. I think all of my money goes to this place. Really? Damn good, by the way. Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. So I was thinking about asking you, what advice do you have for young filmmakers coming up in the industry? Have rich parents that fund everything. I mean, it's so interesting. When you ask me that question, I go, I feel like rephrasing your question to say, what is it you knew when I was your age that I forgot? Yeah. Press pause. Okay. First of all, he didn't even assess that the question was from the kid's heart. Okay. But is this from your heart? Yeah. Because you fucking, yeah, asshole. And all he's asking is, would you have any advice for kids coming up? And then he has to rephrase the question to his liking. Did you hear how he did that? What you're actually asking is. This is not crossfire. This is not. Listen, my favorite thing is the kid's like, so what would you tell young filmmakers? He's like, well, what I want to say is like, what did I forget when I was your age? And it's like, I don't want to know what you knew when I. No. I want to know what you know after you made. Yeah. Fucking one great movie in five stinkers, right? Like, like, Hey dude, why do you think the last five movies you did were dog shit compared to the first one? Oh God. And I'm just, I'm still not sure I understand why he needs to be Mr. Relatability right now. Cause clearly he doesn't even know how to dress to go into a wing place or eat pizza. Who wears a vest at a wing place? Yeah. What the fuck are you doing? Exactly, dude. I don't know why he needs to show us that he's relatable because he's not. I think he thought he was going to be Mr. Relatable. He was going to a hookah place and they're like, hold on. I thought we were doing hookah. Now I'm at a fucking wing shop with a pasty white and they're not even eating wings and got the pizza. Okay. Let, let's hear what M night shama lama lama. And then I got to do my fucking parent teacher call and come right back. Okay. My selfish point of view. Why? Your selfish point of view. Yeah. Why? Why? I want to do this around the world. I want to remember again. You already know something. Yeah. That I forgot. Yeah. What's that? But what I. Why though? He's not answering the question. Just intuitively. Maybe it was where I was brought up or whatever it was or the movies that I saw and the things like, you know, that my only thing that's worth anything. Okay. There. That's the answer. Dummy. Honest to that voice is the critical part. Okay. Finally. This is the first fucking thing this guy has said that's been real in all the videos that we've watched of him. Just be yourself. Do your own voice. Yes. but I feel like people have been hearing that for fuck, can ever right hey dude i would go hey man how'd you get money for your money money how do i get money to make my movies yeah who funds your dad yeah are they is your mom single does she have cash if i knocked the bottom of it would she fund my movie because you're right that's such like a rich spoiled person's answer like just be yourself just have fun out there it's like no no this kid's broke yeah this kid he's spending all his money at a wing shop yeah he wants to make his movie how how do i get my first movie made can i tell you what we did to get successful whatever the fuck joe rogan did that's what we did i respect the shit a hundred times whatever in your life yeah i can give you all the advice find the person that's got the life you think you want and copy whatever the fuck it is they did ask as many questions and if they're opening willing copy the formula pablo francisco gave me that advice you in stand-up it's like you're funny you're way too dark but find the comic that you like emulate him and then go and then you'll find your own way you'll find a way to make your living yes okay so let's see if he's going to be honest about money there's no way this guy's going to be honest about money and funding okay let's saying that's honest to what i i am with all the bad stuff in there don't try to you hide the bad to pretend you don't have it yeah it's gonna have no power right it's like an honest genuinely you know the thing that you have to develop is an ear for yourself yes yeah listen that's the big thing that you're trying sammy you could just write a script that is so true to you i could write a script about almost getting by father dan right and in the bloodbath yeah just call bloodbath yeah everyone thinks it's a vandam movie but about me almost getting by catholic priest and and if i can't find money nobody's gonna make it of course sweetie this is the this is the only fucking answer this asshole needs to give this kid yeah money yeah how do you get money how do you get someone to give you money to make the shit you want to make dummy that's what this kid needs to know okay let's see if he's gonna even remotely be normal time we're trying to fit in we're trying to code switch code switch the pretty girl whatever it is we're code switching when we can figure out what they want us to be and we're trying to code switch and we're trying to code switch and we're And that's beautiful in and of itself, but we lose all our power if we betray ourselves. Right. So having that ear, you write a scene, and the scene doesn't work. Okay, skip forward. I mean, he's still— There is something to what he just said. There is. But none of that means anything if you can't get funding. Of course, but you can also read the book The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. If you want to be a creative person, the book is tiny, tiny, and Steven Pressfield says all the same shit that M. Night Shyamalan is saying. This ass—poor kid. Okay. This poor kid, he's so nervous. But yeah, for sure. Well, I'm kind of interested. I mean, we're talking a lot about movies. What are your top four movies? No. He's going to say his own. Hitchcock. Hitchcock. I have 800 on the shelf. Okay. Right now. Yeah, yeah. The shelf is a literal shelf in my house. Whoa. Wow. That's crazy. It's a real shelf. And there's probably another 800 that I didn't get and put on there. Yeah, wow. If you came in— Wow, they're varied all over the place. Yeah. Okay, so what is it, stupid? This year, which ones have you liked? Oh, he didn't even answer it! Oh, for fuck's sake! Me too. He's very well done. Hey, Sam. Push pause. Sam, what's your favorite movies? Give me top movies. Fight Club. There you go. Taxi Driver. Perfect. Great. Same, same. Everything, Everywhere, All at Once. Very smart. Loved it. That's a great fucking movie. Yeah. See how easy that question is to answer? Yeah, Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters is my favorite. I'll throw it out there, dude. Love Ghostbusters. Coming to America. I saw a five dot. Oh, yeah. Great. So good. Royal Tenenbaums. I watched that once a quarter. Phenomenal. Rushmore. Oh, by the way. Star Wars. Super Mario is fire. Have you ever tried to get your kids to watch the dog shit you grew up with? You're like, hey, let's watch Charlie Brown, where this guy took a shit on the screen after we watched Super Mario, which is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. It's so good, that new movie. Yeah, the new one. It's so good, dude. It's so much better. It's so beyond anything. It's the best movie we ever grew up with. My kids, I try to get them to do Charlie Brown, too. And they're like, what the fuck is this? Their mouths aren't even moving. It looks like a snuff film. It's very weird when you have this thing. There's a couple moments in your life as a parent. You're like, I've come to the conclusion my kids aren't going pro in any sport. My daughter runs like a, she's very athletic, but she's not going to go pro, which is great. And then it's like the reading thing. It's like they don't get, they don't get, and then they get it. And it's like the most magical thing in the world. Yeah, it changes everything. So my daughter reads it like a second, third grade level. And then we're, you know, getting math is like, you got to work on it, man. And you're like, it's easy. And she's like, I don't, this is too much. I'm like, this is the easiest it gets. I know. First grade homework is the easiest it gets. I know. And can I tell you, though, they have to master those. And then the rest is much easier, you know, because I didn't master shit. My biggest fear is my daughter will be me and be held back in first grade. Could be. It's not bad, though, because then she's the leader of the pack. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's kind of good for their self-esteem. They used to push kids forward if you were born. You know, like those kids that were a little bit older. They used to push you into the next grade. And now they hold you back, which I think is better. Now these kids are going to college. They can't even do math. They can't even do basic math. And everyone's blaming teachers. It's hard to be a parent because you've got to work so much. And then on top of that, you have to, like, focus on your kids. It's not a lot of. I don't even know how I got into college. I didn't know you went to college. Yeah, I graduated from UNLV. I don't even know how I did it. Oh, yeah, Las Vegas. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so I went to college and they put me in, like, a special English class for idiots. And it was just me and hot chicks. Perfect. Just nothing but smoke shells. I've never been so happy to be so retarded in my life. It was great. All right, let's see what else this. What pearls of wisdom M. Night. I would love to interview this kid after. Like, what'd you get out of it? Yeah. What pearls of wisdom did you come away with? And can I tell you, too, when I look at M. Night's face, I don't see the lights on. There's no soul. Like, I don't see the person. There's no fire. Yeah. Like, where are you, dude? Yeah. Who's in there? I don't trust this shit. There's no, like, crazy passion for something. Like, when you see Quentin Tarantino talk about movies, he's just like, ah, you know, it's like, ah, you're like, oh, this guy loves what he does. That's a filmmaker. Yeah, it's a weirdo. It's cool. Where are the outlaws? I know, man. Can we be provocative again? I mean, I got this show kicked off of YouTube. I mean, it's like, can we just say provocative things again? You can. You just have to take the heat for it now. You got to take responsibility. I'm crispy burnt. I know. Okay, right? Come on, come on. You did a great job. Yeah. Yeah. I just watched the Odyssey, I thought was. You liked that? Yeah. Well, Chris is great. Yeah, he's great. I love Chris. He's great. I like Project Unmarried, too. Me, too, by the way. By the way. I thought that was a human story. I was like, what were you talking about? It felt so human. I thought they did a great job. They're so quirky, right? Yeah, it's so interesting. So those guys are so quirky. They're perfectly, that's what we're talking about. They're slightly calibrated. What's wrong with his voice? Hyper-kinetic. Hyper-kinetic. I would love a vet to be here, but this is like. Press pause, Sammy's here. He's like, if I'm going to go hang out with human beings and try to connect. Yes. Have you ever seen this in a sitcom or something, or in Entourage, where they're like, go hang out with the normies and act like you're a normie person? Yeah, it's like young Sheldon. Yeah, that's what. He's like. You're like. We're doing human stuff. Exciting. And then a fly. A fly comes by and his tongue comes out and he eats it. The reptilian that he is. He's definitely a reptilian. Oh, it's just. He's definitely. But his movies didn't do well enough to be reptilian. Well, the first one crushed. Yes, amazing. And then the weird one with Mel Gibson, back when Mel Gibson. When he got racist, he went crazy? He went crazy like that. Yelling most unholy shit on the phone. Oh, I think I wrote many jokes about him on Chelsea Lately. Thank you, Mel Gibson. And then. But it's just two interesting people talking. Yeah, these are two dorks. Two nerds. Wouldn't you love to just jump in their heads and talk for them? Or just to even like. Just to say what's really in your heart. Just be honest, M. Night. Yeah. What do you really. Can I tell you what it is? And this is Meghan Markle's problem too. I think they're demons, reptilian demons. Like you said, in real life, they're rich, they're entitled, they're shit people, but they're pretending to be nice. Yes. And that's when you get fucked. That's. Because it reads in authentic. You know what? Be a. Yes. I would rather he go in there and be like, fuck Odyssey. We love a villain, dude. Yeah. Give us a villain. Just anybody with. Be honest. If you want to be a. Be a. Be a. Fuck it, Martha Stewart. She's a. Joan Rivers had fagginess in her. Best! It worked forever. Best! People want. Authenticity. Authenticity. Authenticity. Authenticity. And even if you're a fucking asshole. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone's trying to be nice. You don't. Don't. Don't try to be nice. This is boring. And that's where you lose yourself and you actually become a bigger asshole when you can't be your true self. I know. And everyone's true self is a different, gets you in different levels. But it's like, it's just like, it's this Thomas Sowell quote. And it's like, in a culture that demands perfection, only liars can make it. For sure. And that's what they're playing the game of what they think people want. I'm dying. Okay, a little bit more and then I'm going to throw up. Even in the craziness of shooting with cameras and this and that and all that stuff. So that's when you have a superpower. Can you, like a singer on stage, be authentic right on stage? He's still talking about this? Boom. Then you become, boom, shoot to the sky. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Come to meet you. It was very nice meeting you. Imagine if you were like. Hold on. He said, come to me, dude. Do you think he's going to give this kid a job? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. Does Shyamalan look like he just pounds puss all the time? Yeah, yeah. Or does he look like he could be like. Well, he wears the big wedding ring to let the world. Oh, he's married. Well, he's got a wedding ring on and he's very big and chunky, which is, I think, always real sus. Really? Yeah. The bigger the wedding ring, you know what I mean? Like, really signifying what a. I'm so devoted. I've mated with women. I've. Women like me. Why would you kind of just take. If you're this rich, why would you even get married as a man? Why the fuck would you do this? I say that all the time with these pro athletes. Why are you doing it? They're like 21. They're like, we're getting married. I'm like, why? Why? What are you doing? You know who did it right? Derek Jeter. Played his entire career, retired, then got married. Yeah, great. When you're done fucking. Yep. And the money, you got enough money to get a hot young one and you just peace out. When you're too tired to fuck, get married. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Sage wisdom. Yeah. Yeah. When you just both want to nap, that is love. If you're a man. Now, if you're a woman, the game is totally on a set. Yeah, you got to get it early. And that's. Nobody wants to hear that. Totally different. Get it early, dude. Get it early. Get it out of the way. Be a young, crazy, hot mom. Yeah. I know. It's right. I know. I'm trying. We'll see. Find fucking quality blacks. Just quality fucking records. Fuck your ass blacks. Just angry, angry, angry. Which blacks? Who am I going to. Well, I mean, depends. Like, if you want to like a stable black, you go Major League Baseball. But they're not in good shape. No, Major League Baseball players are in phenomenal shape. Don't they have fat bellies and stuff? No, I mean, there's like two pitchers that are fat. The rest of them are quality. Because I want them. I want in shape now. Yeah. See, the problem is the best is the NHL. My brother used to run a hotel and he's like the nicest one. The nicest ones are the NHL. The nicest guys. The nicest. But they're in Canada. Yeah. And there's only three blacks in the NHL. So it's like, good luck getting that. There's a waiting list for that. That's true. But I need an athletic black is what you're saying. Yeah. So you go NBA. NBA. NBA. Yes. They're just going to wreck you up. They don't know anything about pulling out. I mean, they're knocking up porn stars, these guys. Well, then maybe that's a little too gnarly. Okay. What if I do. What if I did like. Football's nice. Football's nice. Those guys are. Well, it depends on what you're looking for. If you're looking for fast and slick, you want a wide receiver. If you want just a mountain of a man, you go. And they can't run away that fast, you can catch them. You go defensive linemen. They're slow. They're fat. They're happy. You're just. You're there. All right. Come on. Let's do my TikToks. This is my absolute favorite bit. I can't find the crazy. No. Because you know why? You're on the wrong side. You're on the wrong side of the TikTok. You're looking at normie stuff. You're looking at girls doing dances and shit. I've not been on my stories on Instagram. Okay. I'll find it. I'll go with you. I got to get in there. It just sucks my IQ points out. Yeah, I know. I just feel dumber. Have you seen a pic? How cute is that? A parrot. That's adorable. putting blush on? Then eating the makeup? I mean, that's fucking quality. Look how sweet that bird is. You ever had a bird for a pet? I want one bad. They shit all over your house. Oh, really? Right now, that bird's going to shit all over that. But don't you keep them in a cage? That's so mean. You let them fly out? It just shits? Yeah. It'll land on your curtains and shit on your curtains. I shit all over my house. Me and my daughter both shit our pants on the same day. Isn't that nice? It's like I feel like a bond. Synergy. Yeah. I do like the poop stuff. I do like the poop stuff in our house, too. Like, we're so open, you know? Like, the boys. Blow it out. shard or fart, and they're like, Mommy, I shit in my pants. I'm like, just get in the shower, dude. Yeah. Wash it down. My daughter loves the wash. Shower. It's like, poop, shower. Get in there. Yeah. Just shower, dude. You just wash down the holes. Here. Here you go. You'll like this. I am Tulio, and I'm a big fan of Latina women that like and enjoy making snarling faces in video clips. What? Now you like TikTok? Come on. Yeah. I need to get on your algorithm. This is amazing. He likes them making snarling faces, which they totally do. Yeah. Latinos do make snarling faces. They're very much the pit bulls of the human beings. The most painful part of this video for me is this guy sells more tickets than I do. Here's the problem with this show. It's only popular for 10 seconds. You're like, I got it. I can't listen to. I can't listen to. Five guys meowing. Beat it. Can you imagine listening to 10 guys? Meow. Beat it. I don't know. This is when I'm like aliens. Please come probe all of us. Wrap it up. A grown man is like the guy who looks like he's a manager at Verizon Wireless. It's meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. But still, I'd rather watch this than all the M. Night Shyamalan. Unbelievable. Emma, come to the meowing thing. Get a personality. Learn how to. Like, I would watch M. Night Shyamalan ding dong at a meowing contest. All day. All day. Now, that's right. Now, you let him meow. Yeah. Beat it. Yeah. I'm in, dude. And now, suddenly, his movies are good. He's like, I got it. I finally got it. The meowing broke me to the next level. Well, and also, too, don't you find that the older you get, just the more fun. The more fun you have. Because you realize, like, why am I, what have we taken this seriously? Who cares? Nobody cares about you. Besides my kidneys giving out. Like, being old is great, dude. It is. There's no pressure. No. I did a show in Lawrence, Kansas, and all these young kids are like, you going to come out with us? No. I'm going home, beating off, and going to bed. Truth. Call it a day. Call it a day. I'm over it. I did all of that. I got robbed by a hooker twice. I don't need to go to the. Dave and Buster's with you tonight. By the way, why the fuck are adults going to Dave and Buster's? That's another one. Like, your kids are playing there, and there's drunk assholes with beers in their hands. And based on the commercials, it's only interracial couples, too. I don't know what it is, but black guy. You want to be a nice black coat at Dave and Buster's? I should go to Dave and Buster's. But I want athletic black. Yeah. That's what we're talking about. Yeah. Okay. Oh, there they are. There they are. Look at interracial couples. They're so happy together. And look who showed up. M9 Chabadon's in the back. He's just a man of the people. Interracial couples love Dave and Buster's. I'm so glad. I wouldn't go if they weren't for this diversion. Imagine if me and you went, and you're like, oh, sorry, you're not interracial. Wildy Black walking. Oh, that's what you should get. Oh, but you're right. Yeah. You should get. I saw it. You can bust the rhymes. Let them light you up. Oh, yeah. Dude. Oh, I need a rapper. The internet would explode. I need a rapper. If you started. Oh, yeah, dude. I need a rapper. Just with a bad breath and gold grill. I need a rapper. I'd date Fitty. Oh, that'd be great. He likes Klans. He likes Chelsea. Remember? Yes. I like Busta Rhymes. I like Snoop, but Snoop's married. I really love Snoop. Snoop Dogg is great. He's the best. The real one was DMX. That's why they took him. Oh, the best. He's like, these homo thugs just couldn't stop singing about gay rappers. Isn't it crazy? They're all gay. I know. I know. We thought gangbanging was, it's a different gangbanging. It's a totally different story. All right. Here we go. we go. I've got some more for you, Sammy. Are you going to edit this down to 20 minutes? No. It's called fun. We're having it. Fun. I found my blank. That's athletic as shit. Oh, my God. Did we see that again? I didn't see it. You missed it. It's powerful. Okay, watch. Watch, dude. You don't even know what the fuck. Oh, my God. He's got bigger cans than I do. Watch. Watch. Oh, my God. You're going to like this. Master something. That's what I said. Yeah, yeah. Master. Find a skill. Master. But again, I would rather watch this than M. Night Shyamalan and talk about anything. 100%. And there's a whole ecosystem of like that. People will show up. Yeah. Probably more people than the meow meow people. And they would just see who can hop on their ass. Skip rope with your ass. But I would watch that. Ass skipping. I like. Do we have any more? Taser fighting in alleys? Hold on. Let me show you this. Tell me how much would you pay for a ticket? Where is it, kiddos? Dude, this is okay. Taser fucks. That's amazing. Okay. Look at that. Now, here's the thing. You need to start a pro league. That's what I was just going to say. You need to start. Your mom's house is going to sponsor. Yes. We're going to create just like WWF or whatever. Get this sanctioned. Do I have to get this sanctioned? No. We're underground. Like Fight Club, but with tasers. It's so good. We'll do it in the Russia of America, Idaho, where they have no laws and we can just go fucking nuts. And you can just taser each other. The Russia of America's Idaho. Do it, dude. Isn't it Shreveport? Oh, Louisiana. Louisiana, too, dude. Oh, yeah. Yeah. There's parts of the South. Oh, yeah. There's some parts of the South where there are no laws. So go to Louisiana. Set up your laser. What is it called? Laser. It's called taser fighting. Taser fighting. Do it, dude. You could be the Dana White of that. I would love to be the Dana White of taser boxing. Yes. Look, free for all. Go ahead. Now watch these animals going. This is amazing. This is so fascinating. I forgot. I forgot who pointed it out last time that it's not so wise that they're doing this in water. Oh, yeah. That's not good. Yeah. But imagine someone. It's almost like they picked that place. Oh, because of that. Now, see, that's what I got to do, too, when I open it. Yeah. You got to be like, where's a body of water that someone could get electrocuted in just to raise the stakes? Yeah. Somebody dies. Yeah. Yeah. That's an extra. Somebody dies. You got some legal problems, but your next views will be fucking huge. Everyone will show up to watch somebody, a bunch of fucking nerds. I mean, I got to say, I'm shocked that taser boxing is new. Like, don't you think they should have come out in the 90s? I feel like our generation should have done this. Well, I mean, because the internet wasn't. I mean, I'm sure there were people just tasering each other and nobody was watching. They just did it for the love of the game. It was jackass. Yeah. You go to bed with me. You're not just going to bed with that person. You're going to bed with every other person that person has ever gone to bed with before in their life. Fuck. So just picture it's as if you're all crawling into one bed together. That's a lot of people. She's just thinking. I'm going to have sex before I get married. Whoa. Well, I guess you just have to be prepared to die. That was our childhood, right? Remember? Fucking AIDS. You want to die? This bitch ruined all my college years, all my fucking high school. I could have been the biggest whore. And I wasn't because I was afraid of catching AIDS. Yes. That was so funny. God, dude. When they convinced white straight people they could get AIDS. That was so funny. Yeah. Give me a break, please. That is hilarious. Yeah. Oh, this is prison fried burritos. I love when prisoners show us how they cook stuff. I mean, that's ingenious. I mean, humans will find a way. That's what I've learned about prison. To fuck and to eat. Yeah. I mean, you'll be in all. Male prison and still find a woman. That's like the the ability to do that when there are no women to find a woman. Just like you're bitching about your life. Try going to jail and find a fucking woman. If they can do it, you can do it. But how do these fools. So, look, they created a deep frying grease, a deep frying whatever pan out of what cardboard box. And then they put two little zappers in there for the electricity. I mean, this is ingenious. Yeah, I mean. Imagine devoting this much mental energy. The question is, how many people died developing this technology? That's the real question. Right. Dude was so close. Died. The guy's like, oh, if you just turn it here. Oh, it works. You know, right. How many people have to die for a prison burrito to happen? But I bet that fucking burrito. I bet you it's fire, dude. Good. Yeah, dude. The only guy that doesn't have to worry about getting essayed in prison is the prison burrito guy. I think I'm going to take that. Hey, dude, he makes a burrito. Dude, I would give any. I want to see what's inside of that fucking delicious. Guys, when I get out in 25 years, I'm going to have my own burrito truck. Hell yeah, he is, dude. Making prison burritos. Fuck yeah, he is. Damn. Send this to your bully. Stop bullying. Like, actually, if you keep bullying, keep bullying this person, you're going to have a mean wife to deal with. Oh, man. It's not cool. Not cool to bully people, dude. Whoa. Whoa. Weeble Wobble's going to show up and fucking crack you. And all you have to do is run five feet and he can't catch you. Well, and also, are they going to buy plane tickets to come and, you know what I'm saying? Like, I got to. Show up. Show up, douchebag. You really going to do this for these kids? No, we need to bring back bullying. God. Yeah, well, come on. A little bit. Obviously. A little bit. Yes, of course. This is nonsense, but here we go. All right, guys, I got burned. I got burned really bad. Turns out that family dinner night. Yeah. Was actually a setup. Oh. After the dinner was over, the non-family members left, and I was getting ready to leave, too. And I was asked to stay back. And I had no idea, but my sister, my niece, and other family members, they've all seen my TikToks. So I thought I'd been a secret. I didn't let any family members know that I have TikTok. Yeah. Well, the world knows. They found my TikToks, and they're very concerned. Yeah. My sister wants to go with me to the doctor tomorrow because I do have an appointment tomorrow. And they're. This guy. They're riding me pretty hard. Is it your dead buddy shirt you got on? I'm trying to breathe. What brand is this that he's wearing? What is the dead buddy brand? I don't know. So he went on, and he had like a full breakdown on TikTok and was like, my girlfriend left me, Jenny, or whatever. Do you guys remember what his girlfriend was? And he had like a meltdown because his girlfriend left him, and he didn't realize that TikTok was like worldwide. So the family. I'm going to take a break. But. The family is upset with him right now. I'm currently having an intervention. They're intervening. I'm listening to him. I'm not. I'm not fighting against anybody. No, don't fight them. You know. Yeah. I mean, with that hair, you're always in the game. I feel like a trap that was sprung on me. I don't like that. I mean, you could be mentally shish kebab if you had that hair. No, it's amazing. You're still in the game. He's amazing. He's lost no hair. None. And it's beautiful, and I love the wave. No, he's got. Just go to the old home, dude. You'll be cracking. Fuck, dude. This is so funny. All right. One last one. Uh-oh. What's this one? Oh, here we go. Well, just pulled up. I'm going to carry out Doncaster Race's ladies day today. I was going for my hair done for a plaited. So we're going to see how I ride. So keep watching peeps. It's going to be a good day. What the fuck is she even saying? It took me 30 seconds to even know she had an accent with the robot voice she has. I didn't even know it was a Scottish robot voice. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. Same. I was like, damn, she smokes. Bro. And then just drill the hole. Just drill the hole. It's time. Let's try to hear if we can understand what she's talking about. We're going to carry out Doncaster Race's ladies day today. Doncaster Race. That was gnarly, dude. She went to something day. She saw somebody. Something good happened, and it's going to be a good day. That's all I got from that. Yeah. And I have to say, for someone that's smoked as much as she has, her skin looks pretty damn good. I mean, she has so much makeup on, it's almost a mask at this point. Like one of those CIA masks you put over your face. It looks like something's behind the mask. Well, yeah. Fuck, dude. That's gnarly. I got to quit smoking. I took it up again, and I'm out. I'm done for now. I'm doing too much nicotine, dude. What are you doing? The Zins? Zins. Yeah. Lucy's. I just love it. Yeah. It gives me coke blowouts. That's a dude thing. I don't know a single woman that's into this. Yeah. It's very weird, because I love it. Yeah. But you need your nicotine. You need your. I need. Nicotine's actually. I don't want to get too deep into conspiracies. Sure. Go ahead. But nicotine's very good to help keep you healthy. Yeah. Nicotine. to help keep you from getting sick oh i believe that yeah and well i could go you could go deeper but yeah let's not let's not lose everybody not today we i gotta go we gotta go i gotta go um sam tripoli thank you so much for coming to austin um have fun doing kill tony thank you thank you listen to him on his tinfoil hat podcast see his new special uh at poop tube the poop tube sam tripoli.com or youtube.com slash at sam triple e comedy that's i think you'll enjoy it i think you'll enjoy it go see him live and uh yeah that's it okay i love you bye one two three you triple d slut of a wife how come you won't eat that scrum don't you like don't you like your life show him how those big tits far if you want into his heart show him how you really care remembering to show him how those big tits far i know he can be so scary your husband is so hot and hairy listen up i'll tell you what put a finger just one in his butt show him how those big tits far if you want into his heart show him how you really care remembering to milk that bear show him how those big tits far you choice hotels get you more of what you value comfort in it's calling your name save on the stain oh and free waffles are yours to claim