Sam Morril & The Homo Hill

the mighty dollar once upon a time it had a whole menu named after it now no more but one dollar a day lets you add progressive renters insurance to your auto insurance definitely something your younger self would roll their eyes at but your current adulting self appreciates learn more at progressive.com progressive casualty insurance company affiliates and other insurers average premium costs based on progressive home data from 2025 product and prices may vary by state oh dude rob loge is a 9-11 movie you yeah i'm not rob loge dude look at my face i'm flat there's no chisel what are you talking about dude i have no chisel in my face dude no it's round what it's round it's round flat moonish the circle right yeah nobody wants to see that in the big screen you need angles for a movie dude i have no angles on my face we are on air yeah yeah oh we're on air yeah we are on air and also i want to say too is that you're slender right skinny you have angular you have like a abe lincoln kind of angular oh yeah i can see that dude you're the new abe dude yeah oh mary yeah say four score seven years ago what is that's fucking that's it yeah whatever yeah holy there you are look at her cheekbones yeah it's the same kind of look at that white prototype that you have you know i mean you have a michael phelps abraham lincoln i'm taking a load in the head a law yeah me too not in the head but in the mouth when he got shot did the guy sneak up behind him or did he climb a balcony i think he snuck up behind him did he yeah like through the curtains and what was the latin thing he said death to tyranny isn't that it yeah i always imagine he had a gun in his mouth and he climbed the front part how cool would that be i thought it was like a looney tunes yeah yeah yeah how cool is that i'm abe lincoln i'm in the balcony i'm watching the show right yeah all of a sudden i see a head pop up in front of me and you're like what the fuck right and then i got what do you think right before you said break yourself yeah yeah all from behind look behind yeah yeah who's that look at mary todd that's mary todd mary todd was there yeah why does she look like she's about to slap him here it's like pay attention it's the best part oh what i think she's going not me yeah leave me out yeah yeah yeah wow fucking actor you were gay he was like he was like his brother was a more successful actor it's like if billy baldwin shot someone instead of alex still can yeah yeah do you have you heard of hamburger hill not homo hill oh yeah in seoul yeah yeah i've been no you've been to homo hill it was not as it's not that gay yeah yeah have we talked about homo hill it's only one hill i don't know it yeah yeah how many hills are there one okay homo what is it homo how how homo is the hill it's supposed to i haven't been i'm going in the winter and you're gonna go to homo hill i'm going to homo hill homo hill is an area in seoul which is in south korea which is still very conservative and there's an area where the gays congregate kind of like west hollywood and they call it homo hill west hollywood feels gay that just felt like a bunch of koreans eating yeah i mean we still have to keep it low key how low key do you have to keep it like we we're still like in the clubs we're not out there we're still in the clubs we're not out there we're still outside in drag so here's their gay scene it looks like just a bunch of koreans eating that's not a hill yeah i mean there's a little hill back oh yeah yeah i thought it was a hill like it's like we ho oh i see yeah yeah they have cops everywhere yeah just in case you wear a wig is we ho really gay that's where i'm staying right now isn't it oh it's very it's supposedly gay maybe it lost its gayness for the years are you on sunset or santa monica sunset that's why that's the straight what do you think there's a little streets that you consider well santa monica is like when you get into like the gay zone and then sunset is like where comedy store is like that's the kind of like where the hotels are that's not gay that's not gay it's very straight yeah yeah unless tim dylan's there everybody gays it up when he's on santa monica yeah you probably got does he yeah i don't know he's also 50 gays in one guy he's the least gay gay guy of all time yeah no inside there's gayness happening for sure but he there's a celebration for sure a fiesta he gets down yeah yeah i've never seen him like fag it up the only gay thing he does is post the restaurant stuff that's pretty gay it's kind of gay do you ever film your film with food no but gary veder who tours with me is obsessed with yeah he wants to do all the food what's going on okay well i have i'm not i'm not a film your food i'm embarrassed everyone's a fucking influencer i know it's you go to places too because you're like all right everyone's talking about linda street in new york let me try linda street and then it's like a line and then everyone's filming and you're like this i hate this i hate it my girlfriend's an influencer really oh yeah so she'll be right you're gonna stop dating 18 year old she goes i'll be right back and then i'll like look in the restaurant and she's a fountain yeah right and she you know i mean and she's you know i mean saying something and i'm just eating scallops eating scallops not even paying attention but it's like there's a part of me they go this is what it is does she make you do this is what the world is right does she make you do tiktoks what what the fuck just happened oh i will that was crazy she won't even ask she won't she won't even dare to ask good for her you won't even be in the back of one ask me it's her job i'm eating scallops ask me hey bobby can you shout out not not you okay yeah you're you're not a girl more like a girl hey bobby hey bobby you know it's my job to be an influencer you know when you tap the table like that it's really annoying okay bob i have what do you do i have to do a tiktok okay do you want me to get a brand deal or not stand back here watch watch what oh back to this i'm gonna kill you you go you go back to the slower whoa wow you gotta go back to the scallops disrespectful yeah it's not just you do it you i wouldn't do it you do it oh my god hi wait is your car okay yeah i don't know you look like you're playing outfield for the devil race full jock where's the eye black did you forget that that's the look i'm going for that's the look i'm going for thank you so much for that no my my great to be back with wade boggs here i have a flat tire issue okay oh that sucks but i don't um yeah i'm confused it says flat tire and pull over but when i check my tires they're full sensor so okay i was scared okay you were scared about it yeah when the alarm says flat tire in the middle of the car i'm like oh my god well you know you know how to fix a flat tire bobby get in there no no wait do you know how to fix a flat tire you know my tire is flat did you do you know how to fix it yeah wait no there's a whole lot that's what i did a couple steps before that no i go you have more air i put quarters in the machine i stick it in the thing and i do that every day to replace the whole tire with a yeah i don't replace the whole tire i apologize my friend all right i don't do that koreans do it you don't do it you never do it with a jack yeah okay see this is who you should be with this is she would never ask you to she's on a tiktok she would never ask you to be in a tiktok with her no but you know what kind of wait who's asking you to be in a tiktok no no what i'm saying let's go back she's not that bad about it you know it's just i'll notice how much of the meal is she filming not much she'll she'll film food is it face the camera filming no okay she'll just go and she'll look at me first yeah she's one of the most there's people that goes come with me to west hollywood as we tried the best sushi in all the town yeah um and she's i'm a fan i love her i love her too and she'll just every once in a while go okay go ahead and she'll take a photo of a dumpling or something that's not bad yeah it's really so minor when i'm when i'm on the road with gary veder opens for me on the road and we do a thing where he's keeping his name up gary veder he's my buddy i know he's a good guy he wants the five-star meal everywhere we go so he'll pick the restaurant for everybody and he started a thing called gary doesn't miss because he picks the right so so he picks out the restaurant i pick up whatever expensive tab it is and everyone turns to gary and goes thank you so much gary i'm like i paid for the fuck yeah i know him he's so funny that guy and gary yeah that's back when he had hair yeah oh he's bald now he's bald as fuck he's so funny though he wears a suit he's very funny yeah funny but um what i want to say too is um thanks for being here sam murray i'll give him a round he has a special out on netflix right now go check it out good what's it called it's called incorrect incorrect go check it out um the fun one one of the best comics in the country and i i have to say um i have a little speech that i have prepared if i oh fuck it's a good thing oh good all right it's a good thing i don't know with you if it's gonna be good i'm gonna be like you did something to me 10 years ago and i still remember it no this is a good thing and rarely do i share good things oh shit okay so um i have a little speech anyway here we go um friendship is a value okay and value is very important you know and um the foundations of friendships whatever coast you are um is derived from um action actions of love okay all right and i i'm A man who loves actions of love, okay? So little old me, you know, just a country guy, you know. Just a country club guy. No, I'm a country guy. You're a country club guy. No, I'm country. You are not country. What country? What country club? The one you grew up in. Oh, yeah, Stone Ridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Stone Ridge Country Club because when I was in middle school, I would ride my bike to Stone Ridge Country Club, and I would charge hamburgers to my parents because they had, like, a thing, right? And I would get these rare cheese hamburgers. You know what I mean? It was so good. It's not helping you at all. I know. And we also get, you know what we used to get? Bonbons. Have you ever heard of bonbons? Oh, chocolate ice cream. Yeah, it was so good. Anyway, yeah, all right, I am country club. Anyway, so let me finish my speech. Love actions. Please don't interrupt again. I'm sorry. All right, anyway, East Coast, West Coast, West Coast, East Coast. And I come, I'm a little country guy from L.A., and I go to New York. I get scared. You know, I'll tell you about New York. I don't know nothing about it. I love it. I know you do. I love it. But why I love L.A. is I know where the best jajangmyeon is. I could tell you best jajangmyeon in New York. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh. And that's new information. We've got a lot of gay hills in New York. We've got some hills, dude. We've got some jay alleyways. Rooftops. Welcome to New York, yeah. A lot of good gay bars. Yeah, I know. Cubby hole. Hook them up, hook them up. But anyway, can I finish my speech, please? Yes, please. Is it too long? No, I like it. Okay, do you like it? I think it should be longer. Okay, I'll make it longer, right? And so, you know, the spirit of friendship is what I want to talk about. So I'm in New York, right? I don't know much about anything, okay? And I'm with my girlfriend, and I'm like, I don't know where to eat. I really don't know where to eat. I can eat at the hotel, but I want to go out, okay? And so, what do I do? I make a couple of texts. Oh, God. Right? So I text Sam Morrell, Mark Normand, Stavros. Yeah. Right? Andrew Schultz. Uh-huh. Santino. Who's the one that calls me back? This guy. Wow. We like to take care of people who come to New York. No, no, you. No, not we, you. I. Yeah. We is not Schultz. We is not Stavros, right? Yeah. Right? You are you. First one or only one? Okay, so over the week, as the days go by, you would slowly get, you know what I mean? So then the next day, Schultz. Yeah. Then the next day after that, two days after, Stavros. Okay. Right? I'm in L.A. already. So Schultz and Stavros didn't help you. One day event, I need recommendations that moment, okay? I'm about to have a stroke, dude. This is how fucking, look at my hand right now, dude. Yeah, just calm down. What's with the painted nail there? What is that? Oh, yeah, it is. That's a bad one. That's a bad nail. You have a bad nail, too. I have a bad nail. It's a dead nail? I don't have bad nails. It's broke. And so I paint it. Yeah. So go ahead. Look at it. You fucking asshole. I thought you were like a Korn fan or something. I don't know. Yeah. I love Korn. I love John. They do all the fingers, but I'm like, ah, I'll do one. Okay. But I did see your girlfriend's TikTok, and you guys went to a lot of food places. Yeah, where else did you go? You went to. What was your recommendation, actually, to buy? Okay, so I'll tell you. All right. I forgot what it was called. Lartuzzi. Lartuzzi. Great Italian food. So I had. When I sat. When I sat down. New York Italian is pretty damn good. When I walked in there, okay, I go, I've been here before. Yeah. Yeah. Because other comics have brought me there. Maybe you. I don't know. And when I sat down, they go, welcome back. And they treated us like kings and queens. Nice. And the meal was, excellente, por favor, amigo, amigo. Excellent, please, friend, friend. Yes. Excellent, please, friend, friend, dude. That's what this. That's what this is called. Did your girl get some good photos? I thought she did. She did a great job. I thought she did a good job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What looked good? Well, she didn't do the Italian plays, I don't think, but she did the bagels. She did the very expensive. Oh, bagels? Dude, dude, could I tell you about your bagels? Whoa, where'd you go? Where'd you go? Apollo? I don't know what it is, but I kind of. Dude, I'm back. I'm back. Oh, he's having. Dude, I'm having another fucking. I'm having another thing, dude. I'm having another. Dude, I'm having another thing. Punch it. I'm so excited, dude. We went to a bagel place, okay, that had vats of cream cheese in a pile. You were easily impressed, dude. That's not that hard to do. I dare you to discover a place in L.A. that has that. The schmear? Not just the schmear. It was displayed as if it was ice cream or gelato in a cooler, right? I feel like that's just economy size. That's like you're just saving money. There's a venue if you put a big vat. I don't know if that's good. The way you said it to display. Bobby's like, you should have seen this hot dog place, dude. It was a whole bucket. It was so fancy, dude. Oh. Is that good? I don't. I mean, it's fine. I'm not done. What bagel place? I'm not done. The flavors. Oh, okay. Right here. Let me finish, Muriel. You Italian fucker. Is it Italian? Is that Muriel? Sorry. I'm trying to be Stavros and waiting to respond. God, Stavros. Anyway, so it was the flavors. Just different kinds of flavors that you normally wouldn't see in a bagel shop. And the bagels were soft and chewy. There was a line out the door, so I knew it was good. Yeah, it was a very good place. Anyway, I don't know why I went on a fucking bagel tangent, but I got excited. I'm no longer excited. Yeah. I love a bagel, dude. Because you guys put me down. Apollo Bagels is a spot. Apollo's the spot? It's killer. It's annoying. It's annoying because it's an Instagram place, but it is actually that good. I gotta go. What about Pop-Up Bagel? It's good. Yeah, I love Pop-Up. Because we have one right down the street now. I like Pop-Up. We have one right down the street. I will say this. They don't keep the integrity of the bagel. They're great fresh, but if you keep them around for like three hours, they turn into something weird. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. Oh, built for your rent. Built for your rent. You guys, I've been hearing people talk about built for a while. It's a lot. Okay. And now, and my first reaction was, why didn't this exist sooner? You say it every time. I say it every time, every morning, every day. Okay. Becoming a built member means earning points on every household payment, rent, mortgage. It doesn't matter. You're paying it anyway, so you should get something back for it. Built points can be redeemed. 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For your mind. the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality. prescription required your mind prices varies based on product and subscription plans the website for full details restrictions and important for the past the information check this out from bobby lee for the moment hands for your hair ever notice how life's best stories don't happen in your living room they happen on the open road out on the water or parked under the stars at progressive they get that you want to focus on the experience not worry about the what-ifs that's why they offer quality insurance designed for your ride whether that's a boat rv or motorcycle adventure with confidence visit progressive.com and see how easy it is to protect your favorite way to get away progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates not available in dc prices vary based on how you buy everyone talks about how challenging it is to raise kids but what about protecting them outlet covers kitchen cabinets net locks baby gates where do you even start well protecting your home and auto is a great place to start progressive offers customized coverage options so you can be sure you have the right coverage they're basically the baby gates of insurance get a quote at progressive.com progressive casualty insurance company affiliates and other insurers not available in all states one time um the last time i was in new york uh this pr company sent me a whole i think it was two dozen bagels from pop-up and i got it in my hotel room i was like there's no way i'm gonna eat did it come with a bucket of cream cheese yes otherwise and i was only there for a good day good day good day guys what was the mexican thing i said amigo amigo something uh excellent excelente por favor amigo amigo i know but what was it in the translation excellent please uh friend friend excellent please friend friend anyway um but um sorry there's no way i'm gonna have to throw like 20 bagels before i leave i finished all of them they're that good they're good all to all two dozen bagels that's a bagel too and i'll tell you why an absolute bagel there's some great ones let's let's get in the anatomy of the hollow looks it's like that really oh my god i can't even go there right now you gotta have a thickness to it now if i don't like this i don't i'm not i'm not in on the on the sweet bagel i want to save yeah that that no that looks good the peach one too what are we doing there's about the tomato the tomato's great i like uh the the one with do we like onions the the regular one with the smoked salmon is the best one yeah it's fucking good can we talk about the consistency of the bagel why the new york bagel it's got to be chewy it's but it's also got to be a little crisp but it's got to be crisp but it's crisp outside but the chewiness of it you guys have some big bagel places you know it sucks we have pop-up right down the street it's oh it's the same one one minute away but isn't courage we have right here the truck it sucks courage is sorry i'm sorry that's not a bagel it's too thin i'm from new york by the way no and it's too thin and they do too many like fancy shit to it so it doesn't you're not even eating the bagel gotcha it's just a little crater for a bunch of toppings i do like yeasty boys easy yeah i like the name that's a good fucking name you know what used to be good but now it went down is hanks around here oh yeah when it first opened it was like premium and then they started cutting corners i think i hate when they do that man right you can notice i guess i gotta say i hate i hate to blast in new york's establishment blast them yeah blast it joe's pizza has fucking fuck joe's falling off cliff what happened i brought an la person being like in my head i was like i know it's falling off a little bit but she really wanted to go yeah and we went and she was like this isn't that good and i was like oh my body was hurting so i was like this is a new york institution it's falling apart linda street yeah we went there too oh okay okay but you want to be able to go get like a quality slice if you're from new york you want to be able to show someone off that and then yeah that's pretty embarrassing i'm gonna say something controversial what pass on the new york slice what okay yeah yeah you know what i'm a chicago deep dish guy oh he's trolling that's my fucking home even chicago people don't like that that's my home you're gonna die yeah yeah i'm gonna die face down ass up on that hill yeah yeah all right yeah that's it i love ever and pie is better than deep dish everyone knows that no no no even chicagoans don't eat it it's detroit or die now i like actually i like detroit i love detroit i love detroit no one's gonna back me up deep dish no one it's a bad take no one that sausage it's not number one no it's like number five it's like yeah it's like number six it's not oh really so you would say that new york's first yeah i say i say new haven's first new haven new york detroit yeah yeah what about that fancy like you know um italy should be in the mix somewhere naples number four tokyo tokyo i've never had it with a sarin khan place is that what it's called the one here no in tokyo yeah it was good there's a japanese pizzeria say pizza here oh i heard that's great that's the one we should go they say it's the top five in the world right yes that's the one we gotta go it's japanese pizza made by a korean chef yes i cannot go i cannot go no i know i cannot i know i know i know the way they oppressed us for 60 years they tortured my great grandparents no i know those japanese masters they tied us from on our ankles and fuck that should i eat german food who cares what german food are you eating i love one german schnitzel kraut i love all that stuff oh a sauerkraut yeah kraut's good dude i mean it's all the same it's like austrian german it's all that same area yeah yeah can we can we talk about the hot dog what about it can we talk about the hot dog yeah the anatomy of it yeah phallic what phallic it's not phallic dude yes it is it's not phallic what do you mean it's dead what do you mean it's not phallic it's that's what everything shaped this oh shit you're what the fuck yeah yeah this guy's gay why are you holding it oh yo stop stop oh are you crazy anyway um oh my hell wow can we talk about the hot dog you just lost the sponsor blue chew anyway um you just shoved it what about hot dogs um lately i've been on a hot dog cake lately his whole life he literally eats like three hot dogs a day oh no okay so my okay my average a hot dog intake is more than the average human being oh for sure i get that okay all right but well how do you take your hot dog i'm gonna let me finish okay good question look what's happening dude uh anyway so um how do you take your hot dog it's so funny sorry it was a delayed reaction but it's so funny a christian way what the fuck jesus christ i think sincere about the hot dog and it's gotten a little sexual okay but yeah tell us tell us how you do that all right tell you how you dress it up right now i'm in an uptick of hot dog okay so we don't have a lot in la right so what i can what can i do i go to wienersitzel right and then i'll go to um doghouse right i don't know what else is available right but i'm going to tell you something about the chicago hot dog it's the greatest piece of meal i could ever have really there's something about the pickles in it the big chunks of vegetables like tomatoes and stuff right there's a refreshing quote the onions you know i mean and i just love it man and i just can't help myself i just can't help myself i just can't help myself i just can't help myself i just can't help myself i mean i have to get one one every other day and also get a corn dog on top of it corn dog i love a corn dog i like it too but bobby you're taking years off your life i'm already dying i'm dying in two years i would say that does look good to say that better than all of this is your average la street dog really like a ghetto dog yes just with a bacon wrap on todo look all of it you're a tontoro you're a fucking tontoro dude how about just like sauerkraut you're a fucking tontoro dude how about just like sauerkraut you're a fucking tontoro dude how about just like sauerkraut you're a fucking tontoro dude how about just like sauerkraut some fucking mustard, you know, some onions. I think you're good. Yeah, New York style. I like that. That is an L.A. dog setup. That's crazy. That always gives me so much heartburn when I eat that. Yeah. I mean, it's bad for you. It's crazy. It's a rat's asshole. Well, you eat it in a different way. You know, you stick it in your mouth. Do the butt. Do the butt. Tom, tom, tom, tom, tom, tom, tom, tom. Tom, tom, tom, tom, tom, tom, tom. No, no, no. It doesn't bite. It's going in whole. Tom, tom, tom, tom. Sorry. It's like one of those libraries that go. That thing that goes. Oh, the bank. Oh, yeah. The bank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The bank. You have to send a little message. The bank. That's your asshole. Yeah. It sucks up books and all kinds of stuff. Anyway, let's move on. Are there other foods that you guys want to promote right now? Promote? Are you here to promote other foods? We're going to get to your special and all the exciting things. I want to do more hot dog of asshole conversation. That's good stuff. Let's make sure to lose all the listeners before we get to the heat, Bobby. This is where we get. I'm having a good time. I'm having a really good time. Me too. Me too. I guess like cinnamon rolls. Okay, let's move on. I don't like cinnamon rolls fucking suck. Okay, here we go. Let's talk about it. It's a hot take, but it's like for that type of thing, I'd take a donut. I'd take anything else. Right, right, right, right, right, right. A croissant. You know what's the issue with cinnamon rolls? I love a croissant. You know a croissant is like the top five foods of all time. It's fucking amazing. You cannot. You cannot. Even when it's done poorly, it's still edible. - It's simple. you know what else I love you're in Paris get a little ham and cheese with some of those little pickles it's just butter cornichon those will go right up those buttholes those will go up a baby's butthole you don't even do the suck thing stick it in there just a wish use that power for something heavy simple food is fucking I agree so there's a ham and cheese ham and cheese gruyere cheese croissant thing at Alfred's and I heat it up in my toaster oven and I put some hot sauce on it what does that taste like Sam while you're here will you do me a favor if you're a croissant guy go to Carr in Pasadena he's gonna drive all the way over there it's 25 minutes from here that's fucking far by the way the hills here I want to die I'm like a Jewish stereotype in the car coming up here I'm just like my fucking body's falling apart the winding's bad and it's tight wait what's your body have to do with you're in the car I just I get nauseous you're driving up here you got nauseous every time I come here I get nauseous it's too high did you drive or Uber I took a car okay you were in a car well take a car to Pasadena go to Carr and try their chocolate croissant isn't Pasadena far not that far it's like saying that you're let's say you're in Manhattan and it's like me saying go to Oneonta where's that what is that reference you don't even know Oneonta no that's northern New York it's like fucking four hours away from the city that's what you're asking them to do say Long Island say Long Island or something that's not it at all look at these guys are not agreeing with you Pasadena it's like 20 it's a joke I was trying to do an exaggeration it didn't work that's fine sorry too highbrow sometimes you throw it against the wall it doesn't stick right Peter yeah I don't think I've ever failed at anything in terms of jokes no I'm just kidding that just failed right there no that was good that was bad it's okay let's move on we'll edit it out anyway I don't know if you guys talked about this yet but I wanted to talk about biters and the whole Selma Blair thing oh yeah I don't know I know that this is a thing okay I don't know what happened I know that she's in trouble I know there was an airplane yeah I know she attacked either a passenger or a flight attendant and now you're saying that she bit and scratched apparently so she bit if only she was on an Israeli flight she'd be a hero oh shit I love it I didn't see what she clearly she's not okay what happened but she also has she has MS multiple sclerosis yeah but people with MS don't get to do whatever they want but they're not usually I'm scratching eyes you can't bite a pilot and be like I have a doctor's nose I'm punching people in the face initially when I heard it I was like okay she clearly like mixed some weird medication alcohol thing she had a one-off biting incident but then people are coming out and they're like no she's a serial biter she's bitten people in the past 10 years she has bitten co-stars apparently yeah like in a disagreement or what yeah so I think that there are people who are just biters like Mike Tyson's a biter I have the perfect idea what you put her into that arena or that tiger that mall that guy that'd be a good fight like Freedom Roy's tiger you don't know about the tiger which tiger you know about the tiger which tiger a tiger mauled a man a man slipped into the enclosure is this recently recently I thought you were doing like 90s comedy no I'm not doing that I sometimes do 90s like that Lorena Bobbitt guys that was fucking crazy no look it up right now is it gruesome though it's not gruesome but they cut right before he gets mauled oh okay maybe it's a happy ending then yeah but anyway he was petrified well yeah it's a tiger and the tiger is like fucking fucking with him ugh you have it a lot of them are blurred out deleted yeah but there's stuff leading up to the blur try to get that I hate shit like this me too I don't like if you can find it you can find it anyway listen the joke didn't work the Selma Blair tiger thing because you don't know anything about the tiger thing that's correct that's correct that I mean the audience no I'm blaming the people in the room I'm blaming the people in the room that don't even know what the fuck even after fact checking the joke it still doesn't land I know it's still a weak joke I know we've crunched the numbers Bobby it's a failure but what I wanted to ask you guys is if you think that there are people who are just biters or what is your default I've been bitten by a biter whoa really yeah in elementary school this kid pulled in the stairway going to lunch he pulled down his pants showed me his hooch and I said what the fuck he was the shortest kid I was the second shortest kid and I didn't respond the way he wanted so he bit me damn it was a guy how old were you six damn a six year old boy did what he bit me why because I didn't react to his penis he wanted you to say like nice hog yeah like huge now was the gayness a factor then that's how I turned gay that was the bite that was the vampire rules it was a gay vampire it was a it was like a five year Kristen Dunst style it was a child wait that's your origin story that's my origin story I'm coming out tiger belly that's how I turned gay yeah yeah yeah six year wow I did not know we gotta go do that movie but he was a biter he bit other kids too yeah cause I know are they gay too that is the best idea for a vampire movie everyone slowly becomes gay that's pretty good and it threatens the world's population like we have to do something we have to do something yeah yeah we have to do something they're all just being cunty yeah so the biting huh yeah I think there's some people I don't know if Mike Tyson even said it before where he's like some people are just like nibblers oh he's not biting he's not biting but he kills oh that's not scary oh he killed him oh wait this kid's dead yeah I don't wanna watch this Jesus Christ dude I don't wanna watch this they don't show I know but like I'm watching him about to die that's right they don't show until Patreon guys stick around stick around yeah no that's horrible man it's terrifying what is it about you that you love like just gruesome yeah do you like like beheading videos too oh do you I'm gonna tell you he's into tragedy porn this is going dark what happened can I tell you a story yeah you beheaded a person no no so um I don't know what it is but yeah I do see it sometimes and at one time many many years ago so Jordan Peele used to live in this small little apartment in Hollywood right and I used to go over there and we used to hang out and stuff and this is when gore.com I don't know there was this thing called gore.com and you could see like people getting chainsawed alive and this is probably dark probably yeah there was one Russian guy that got like his neck slid open by a guy and I showed it to Jordan and he didn't talk to me for like two years after that yeah it could have been an Asian movie but you fucked up I know right you could have been the dad dude I wouldn't say I know no but I've read for his other movies after this what do you think is your default attack move kick kick is not bite then just kick bite is weird bite is you're getting your face in there yeah it's true that's high risk it's high you could be like okay I think right now spit oh spit headbutt this is my move headbutt headbutt can you throw a headbutt you want to say dude no definitely no oh oh that looks like you hate yourself that hurts so bad I can't can we do that slow-mo please slow that down yeah the headbutt is like the sack bite so I go yeah right yeah and then bite oh you do number three yeah I bite third what do you do I think maybe just like a punch I don't know you got long arms you got long arms and I don't think I don't think I got short yeah you got little stubs you got short legs yeah it's cute though it's one of the rocket socket what do you call it hmm rock'em sock'em rock'em sock'em rock'em sock'em let's move on yeah so you use fists what would you use Peter I would kick oh I'm a girl like I will run away scratch yeah you would have wait what if if I can run away if you had to fight if I had to fight I would probably nuts right yeah nuts first like punch or kick or bite bite is up there you could bite the nuts biting nuts bite and pull holy shit you would have to you would have to bite through denim if he's wearing jeans yeah that's a problem I have nurse shark teeth oh fuck like my teeth aren't even sharp yeah no yeah getting older man I see it my teeth are shit look at my tooth oh my god oh you want to see teeth oh yeah let me see none oh no tooth here right you want to see something crazy don't put the cameras on look on the bottom half down here let me see whoa oh holy shit what did you see Sam what happened what do you mean what happened I mean why did you lose all those teeth what what they fell out oh yeah how did they fall out what do you think you think like ninjas came into my room how did they fall out with pliers what are you doing you don't brush you don't brush I do now you learned this lesson there's what is there to brush I floss there's nothing left you lost teeth from not brushing I floss I do all I spent but you lost those teeth from not brushing when I was a younger comic right yeah I didn't really the hygiene wasn't there hmm damn rough Bye. 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Turn everyday spending into status With cash app green Wow New cash app customers can earn $10 If they use code cash app 10 In their profile at sign up And send $5 to a friend within 14 days Terms apply Wow Download the cash app today And make your money work for you Visit our link in bio Cash app Support for this podcast comes from Progressive America's number one motorcycle insurer Did you know riders who switch and save with Progressive Save nearly $200 per year? That's a whole new pair of riding gloves and more Quote today Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates National average 12 month savings of $197 By new customers surveyed Who saved with Progressive between October 2024 And September 2025 Potential savings will vary Thank you for tuning in and I'll see you next time on Progressive Damn Damn You're like the That's going all different directions That's like one here and one here It's Blitzville That's fucking crazy Have you ever seen him at a steakhouse? No What does he do? He swallows his steak whole Like a snake? Yeah And the acids from your stomach dissolve it That's my theory I don't understand any of this How big a steak are you swallowing? There's no molars to chomp on the steak So he has two options Eat it from the front or swallow it whole Holy shit I can beaver style it Yeah Throw it into a dam? If you watch me on a steak I was like You get extra Asian? You look extra Chinese I did not even put together how hard it must be for you to eat It's so impossible, right? And so I take chunks of steak I just go Well luckily you people eat noodles, right? That's a big one, right? Yeah, yeah What do you mean? My people My people Yeah, yeah You're right, we love them You love noodles We love the noodles All cultures like noodles We love the noodles Yeah, yeah, yeah But yeah, so Yeah, don't Steakhouse is tough Pizza's tough Pizza's tough Anything that you have to chew is tough Yeah, yeah, yeah So it's tough Sushi's okay, right? So then what my You know what my fucking dentist said About six I remember Yeah, you know what he said? Holy shit? What did he say? No, not just holy shit He just locked my eyes and he goes You gotta remove all of them What? Fuck Oh my god I go, when? He goes, sooner the better Oh, no What are you gonna do? I'm a gum man Can you know? You gotta get those Those fake Matt Dillon Something about marriage Yeah, I think so, yeah I'm gonna get big fucking masks Huge chiclets Is veneer breath a real thing? I don't know What does that mean? So when people get veneers Apparently you develop A certain type of breath Because it's not your real teeth, right? They're Oh, man They're veneers Yeah, they're veneers Just veneers Dinted veneers Wait What are you saying? So wait, are your teeth Gonna come out for real? We have to pull them out Yeah But also through the years It's gonna all fall out Yeah, they're basically Hanging on for dear life Just like you, buddy Fuck Yeah, we're all hanging on I'm hanging on, dude Yeah, but it doesn't hurt Good, alright Yeah, yeah I don't wanna talk about Your teeth anymore But that's a good thing Missing tooth This one? Yeah This one just popped out In K-Town I was eating rib tips Really? There's a little guy Right there, you see him? Yeah, it's tiny Is he gonna grow? Yeah Your teeth hygiene's good, huh? Yeah, they're so good Nice teeth Yeah, they're really nice Yeah, that's really nice Yeah, I do a night retainer You do? Yeah, it gets worse They start shifting As you get older You gotta do that shit I know It's soft Your teeth Is any of your teeth Like loose or not? Shaking Yeah, shaking There's one here That's kinda loose Oh, wow Yeah I have bad teeth What did cavemen do? They died They died early They died really young They died at like 19 Oh, they did? Yeah But their teeth never rotted That's what they died from Dental infections I don't know What was the dental situation Back then? Did they have dentists? Like good teeth, right? Oh, no, cavemen Cavemen? No They probably had herbs That could numb things Yeah Or like chewing on mint Or something Chewing on what? Mint? What are you talking about? To like clean it Because that's what they used To brush teeth back in the day Like egg myrrh Egg myrrh? Egg shells Oh Yeah And myrrh Really? And then they would Yeah, because you have The friction of the egg shells We have it so good I know It's crazy You think about Like even like 100 years ago How bad people had it Oh my god, dude And people are really upset About fluoride now In the water? In your tooth It causes autism? It causes apparently Some neurological stuff So now the whole thing Is hydroxyapatite Nanohydroxyapatite, right? Is the new thing Why are you looking at Gilbert? He doesn't know What the fuck you're talking about He has no teeth Look at his teeth Yeah, but do you know About hydroxyapatite? I've never heard of it I don't know what the good I use one I use a better one Than I used to But yeah, they're all bad I think I think they're all bad Yeah But then it's bad Not the brush, too Yeah I think it's worse Not to floss You gotta floss It's also just gross It's the gum health That's what you gotta buy It's the gum health You have to buy this one But I think that there's also Controversy around this stuff Because it's a nano What's Sam? $28 a bottle Hell no Sam This is fucking ridiculous Sam, you can do it No Yeah, but it's You can do it It's not It's the money It's the principle Yeah, yeah That's crazy Yeah, but if it's good Like, if it's better than $28 for toothpaste What's next? $29 for shampoo? All right, guys Would you buy that bread In New York Rye? No Fuck those people Wait, what is it? What is it? It's a pop-up Where they're charging $60 for a loaf of bread Fuck those people Fuck out of here For what? I wanna try it Of course you do You're rich, though You will I love you Fuck You are First of all How are you gonna chew it? Secondly It's all just Because we're talking about it That's how they do it But why is it $60? Like, is it Are they able to justify it? Because it's big, I think But it's Yeah, but it's ridiculous No way No way $60? That's fucking stupid It's bread Make it yourself That's also such, like A universal, like Affordable food Wait, how much is that hat? How much is that fucking hat? $80 hat $80 $160 loaf of bread See, that's why Because the hat That looks like Shit and probably fits bad I don't wanna buy It's $80 Why do I want loafers From a fucking baker? What's going on? Yeah, keep What else do they have? What else do they have? A cutting board $85 white Cutting board, I get I get it Like, you're a cook But isn't the Aren't they A harmonica Aren't they What the fuck? $350 harmonica Why? $350 harmonica I gotta get it I know what you're gonna do with it Yeah What? That's so stupid What? Just fart through it? Farty chunky Oh, it has four ingredients That's why That's why What? It's fresh It's fresh, Sam Ingredients are Yeah, what is it? Okay, so it's 100% organic rye flour And then what? You get that for six bucks That's all they tell you Oh That's horrid Don't you wanna try it once though, Sam? No How about this? Next time I'm in New York We'll have a lunch date And we'll go to rye All right Bring your girlfriend She'll document the whole thing All right I'm in I'll try It looks ridiculous Okay, anyway I don't like social media trend shit I like places that like Are quite Same with comedy These people that are like Just trying to be flash in the pan I want people that care about the technique And all that shit I like You're a foodie Oh, I like just Not You like good stuff I like good stuff that isn't flashy Me too Like I There's this pizza place Arturo's On fucking Houston In New York City They don't have Instagram They got a coal oven They don't know They don't give a fuck about anything Because they don't have a Social media person I love it And that's the best Yeah, look at that You know that I love that That looks so good And it's a sit down place It's just a chill place I like stuff like that Oh, I want to go there Arturo's pizza We'll go there Yeah, yeah You know what I really like About your comedy Is that Whatever you're going to say I appreciate it Whatever's going I don't know if it'll If you'll appreciate it But You make Dirtbag look Like you do dirtbag nicely Oh, thank you Like a lot of Straight comics Do dirtbag What's dirtbag? Like, I'm a loser I'm a piece of shit I don't You know That kind of like Point of view I'm still waiting For the compliment here Are you an Arturo? No, no They did a New York Times thing For this special You're a piece of shit And the guy said the same thing Did he? Yeah, he said He makes looking a loser Look like a lot of fun Oh, yeah So A lot of fun for sure But more than fun I think the way you present it Is very palatable Because it feels Smart Well, if you're the butt of the joke, you come off. better so if you make yourself look the worst i mean i but you know why would i tell a story if i don't look stupid in it you know there's no point can i okay let me just say or at least if it's you know i i i want to be the book yeah the same thing that's what he wrote but can i mention shane gillis real quick i know like you guys are all friends he's great you know i i particularly enjoy his comedy but right now one second one second but the snl monologue you know that joke that everyone's like up in arms about like he's doing the same thing quite literally he's saying like look at this situation but i'm the butt of the joke i'm in the back of the tiktoks like you know like but it doesn't work as well that's a tough crowd on snl it's a tough crowd to land an edgy joke you know he's is it because it was too edgy for snl I honestly, I've seen his past two SNLs. I didn't see this one yet. I was working, but I love Shane. I think Shane's a good comic. I do too. But it just doesn't land the same way. I really resent the faux outrage from all these people who are, you know, on social media like, here's my take on it. It's like no one gives a fuck. It's from the same types of people that would sell out their friends in a fucking heartbeat. No, I mean, we all understand that they're writing this like way. It's so insincere, the outrage. Whereas Shane, like, you just look at the type of person he is and how he took all his friends with him on this fucking ride from Philly. And you know he's a great dude. He's a good guy. And you know he's a great comic. Yeah. And if you don't like a joke he says, that's fine. That's fine. But I just think the faux outrage is just fucking absurd. And I think there's not an ounce of sincerity in it. People love it. I mean, obviously, it's like. It's so addicting to, like, get on top of something that's, you know, outrageous. So I don't think, I think most of the outrage is that, right? Like, is, no one would have complained about it if the timing was different and the Cornell 7. It was a climate thing. It's a climate thing. If he did that at the clubs, no one would care. He did do the clubs. There's a great book William Freak and the director wrote called The Freaking Connection. You know, he directed. The Exorcist. Yeah, Exorcist, French Connection. He was red hot. Yeah. Two of the biggest movies. Of the 70s. And then he directed a movie called Sorcerer, which fucking tanked. And it tanked because it was a really bleak movie. And it came out a month after Star Wars. So there was like a changing of what people wanted in that moment. Right. Comedy is the same way. Shane is going to stay hot for a very, very long time. Because he's got the goods. But there are going to be moments when people may not like a thing he says. And then a year later, they'll love a thing he says. You know, I just think there's this weird. Political shift in this country. And it goes back and forth. But how do you get away with it? I don't always get away with it. And one way I get away with it is I'm not nearly as famous as Shane. That's a bit. You don't hold a Guinness World Record. Yeah, it helps when you don't fill football stadiums. My problem is when, you know, whether the joke landed or not. Right. People are saying like, oh, he's not funny. Right. In my mind, it's like, let me just say something. Okay. I like to speak my mind. I've seen everybody. I really have from East Coast and West Coast. I love young comics, too. I like to see what's coming up. And if Shane Gillis was in the main room stacked with all the best comics in L.A., no one would want to follow him. He's so hard to follow because he destroys. And he does something else in the crowd. There's a bond with the audience. That is you can't really fabricate. It's real. Right. So he is so funny. Right. And all your favorite comics that you love, that you think are funnier than Shane Gillis, they won't be able to follow him anywhere. I think good comics can follow great comics. We can survive. We can survive. I like following great comics. I do, too. Because I think the crowd is in such a good mood. But we're good. We're good comics. Right. And it's like, you know, and I ain't talking shit. What's happening? You were on a roll there. What happened? What happened right now? What do you mean what happened right now? There was a shift. What do you mean you're not talking shit? No, what I'm saying is, is that. Oh, you're saying that. I'm not talking shit about Shane and his comedy. No. No one is. My respect level for him is there. My point, though, being is, is that. Anyway, Tires on Netflix. Go check it out. Tires on Netflix. I'm on it. Anyway. I think, I think, you know, Shane also walks a very, he walks a line that. Yeah. It's a tightrope walk. And he's so, so good at it. I think that SNL monologue is a very. It's a very, very hard. It's a hard set. Yeah. You're going on cold. 100%. You know, I've gone on, I've gone on late night shows following guests and had a hard time. Because I'm like, oh, shit, I have to follow Cory Booker on this fucking show. Oh, God. Yeah. Thanks, family. He didn't warm up. Yeah, yeah. So my point is, Shane, he's in a tough position. Sure, he's super famous. The bar is super high for him being a third time SNL host at this young age. I think he's, I think he's a great comedian. And I think, like, I haven't seen, I'll watch the set. I just. It was, it wasn't, it wasn't any different than his material ever. Yeah. That's what I'm trying to say is that, like, he, you know, he inhabits this, like, straight comic space that you kind of inhabit similarly, I think. Would you disagree or. We're both straight comics for sure. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I've sucked a cock here and there. Who has it? I'm just trying to sell some tickets to San Francisco, I'll tell you. All right, you're all right. Speaking of Cory Booker. Yeah. I didn't know that he saved, was it a dog or a baby, from, like, a burning house. Yeah. You buy that story? You think it's fake? I don't know. Any politician who's like, I just happened to walk by and there was a baby in a burning building. I was like, you know what? I'm going to do what anyone would do in this situation. Save it. Save it. Maybe. What was your point about it? Like, you don't think it's fake? You think it's fake? No, there's this. Oh, there's evidence he's hugging. Is it really? Yeah. Okay. Who's he taught hugging? We don't know, but it has to do with the article. Oh, gosh. Spider-Man wouldn't have stuck around for a press conference. It's so well lit on his side, too. That's Cory Booker? Yeah. Sam, I'm dumb. You know that, right? No, you're not. You played dumb very well, but you're not dumb. Yeah, I'm dumb. So anyway. I'm dumb. You're the smartest dude I've ever met With that amount of teeth Can we show Sam and Peter Your mosquito attack? Well, it's gone I know, but I pulled pictures You ever talk about it here? Yeah, I want to talk about it Oh, that's why you sent it to me Oh, get this off my phone Wait, show us now Also, your legs are thin He has lady legs Oh, Jesus Christ The other one gilled That's from one day? One day Oh! Wait, wait, why are all the toenails painted too? They're all dead Corn, dude I'm in corn Holy shit Yeah, yeah So he sends me these pictures And he's like, hey, I'm getting attacked by mosquitoes And here I am thinking that Oh, he's probably Like, that sucks He has Skeeter syndrome And I'm like, how? Like, this doesn't make sense To be attacked this much Like, where were you? They were chiggers And no, you No, it's not They were chiggers What do you mean? They're called chiggers From mosquitoes? We got it No, there's two different things There's chiggers and mosquitoes I think the chigger got me In Hawaii? Yeah I think those are mosquitoes This is in Hawaii? Yeah No, but No, no, this is You know, you're a fool Why? You're a dang fool I helped you You didn't help shit, guy Why was I there in the first place? A Sex Pistols concert by the look of your toenails? All right So I was in Hawaii, son Oh, okay I was in Hawaii And, you know, I get a call going You should go to Turtle Bay You always stay in the The Ritz The Ritz at the Turtle Bay Oh, I heard it already Super nice Okay, not No? Not for me It's beautiful You have a high bar No, it's He's crazy So beautiful there Here's what I Here's what I base Here's what I base it on, okay? Food adjacency Okay? Well, there's not a lot So I had to drive From there All the way into the city An hour and a half To eat meals Okay? That's number one Number two I was out in the patio I was making love to You know, my girlfriend Out in the patio In the I mean, a little lake house Here And she went It was like two in the morning Right? And I had You know, a missionary Yeah You know what I mean? You like to keep it simple That's the only new move I know Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah That's the only move Are you kind of boring in the bedroom? Yeah, yeah I don't know what that means But um No, like boring You're boring Like vanilla Yeah, I do a couple of palms A coachy Like kisses on the neck Right? And I'll do like a salute Right? And go I'll say this line Hope you got yours That's nice Yeah, yeah, yeah Hey Ta-ta Hope you got yours Why ta-ta? I don't know why I do that Why are you leaving? And I roll over And I go to sleep You know, anyway So she went in And then I fell asleep there In the balcony No, not balcony In a In a A hammock? Patio In a Right by a lake And I got eaten up alive Damn It's like Shane Gillis' Twitter mentions right here What the hell is going on? Yeah But that was the most painful fucking I don't think that's the Ritz's fault though you were like I'm never this place sucks and I'm like no one forced you to sleep outside I fucked up anyway that was gross so Sam you have the special and then can we kind of talk about the movie or no sure so Sam wrote and directed a movie and it's with my friend Gary Vietor we co-wrote co-directed it and cut that name out thank you Mike Lawrence also wrote it with us it's a fun movie yeah so hopefully it'll be on Netflix the top of next year made a little tour mockumentary so fun little scripted like a comedy tour yeah we were on a tour bus I'd done the tour bus thing before and I was like man this is like there's so much fun shit that happens here and there's such a weird there's weird little energies and kind of like little you get into like little fights and stuff and I thought it was like the perfect that's a great idea it was like a fun and then we added some crazy plot stuff and got a lot of cool cameos in it are you playing yourself I'm playing a really shitty version of myself but it is Sam Morell it's Sam Morell and Gary Veeder's playing a really I was like alright if you're playing yourself you gotta always try to be cheating on your wife because that's funny and I was like but you can never succeed you always have to and he was like alright so we made we have some fucking pretty awkward scenes with Gary and some women and great cast Santino's my agent in it amazing killed it Jim Gaffigan's great in it Stavi plays a private detective in it he kills it a lot of great comedian cameos in it you got Gaffigan in it Gaffigan killed it he's so great he's such a good actor the scene I did with Gaffigan was we basically just I have a stalker in the movie and we basically just recreated the scene in Taxi Driver where he gets a gun but I made Gaffigan the arms dealer wow so he killed it oh wow and then yeah Julian Edelman's got a couple great scenes in it that's amazing amazing he's amazingly funny amazing so yeah I hope people like it what's it called it's just called The Tour The Tour cool and it could come out on Netflix in the next year top of next year hopefully yeah amazing incredible and then Sam has Incorrect Incorrect yeah this is out now Samuel Incorrect where'd you shoot this Tampa Theater really really beautiful theater yeah did you shoot it in Tampa because of like a callback to one of your bits I had a joke about Naples so it felt like Florida-ish but yeah I don't know I just like I like Tampa like I feel like they get no love yeah as a city and it's like there's something I love Tampa Ybor City I feel like the crowds are just good there man Ybor Street have you been to Ybor Street oh yeah yeah yeah yeah you'd love it there but I just I just like Tampa it's just cool it's like people are nice there's kind of like a trashy fun vibe to it dude I love it too yeah I do love it I just always had great crowds there so I just figured this would be cool and the theater's gorgeous and it was about to go under construction so I was like I gotta get in before they're constructed wow yeah wow I love that theater it's you know when you're on tour and you just like see a theater you're like I gotta do something here someday so yeah there's a couple of theaters like that yeah more in Seattle is like that just played it was great oh yeah Toronto Toronto's awesome oh my god that one theater that I played there what was that it was beautiful I did the Meridian there that was beautiful yeah but then yeah and there's one in Knoxville Tennessee called the Bijou Theater I love I'd like to film something there someday so I just clock them as I'm going along you know I've never played Knoxville it's great it's like great crowds you think they'd like me in Knoxville fuck yeah dude maybe I'll try people like you everywhere yeah so Sam anything else you want to promote just fucking a dentist how'd you have for you buddy you know I shouldn't I was too vulnerable there no you weren't you were so underrated as a vulnerable comedian I think you're one of the most vulnerable comedians and I mean that's a compliment I think same about like Jim Norton I always think Jim is like so fucking vulnerable Norton and I are the same guy yeah I love Jim him and I together I mean we went camping if you haven't seen Jim Norton's last special on YouTube it's so good what's it called I forgot it's his last YouTube one it came out like a year ago anyway any questions for Sam I think we had a great look at this holy shit dude you guys look like kids look at these young boys dude you you had all the hair back then I know wow that's crazy yeah me and Norton opened for Dice in Vegas this is 25 years ago wow yeah I was a kid wow Jim Norton looks exactly the same he does no but he looks younger look how young he looks yeah wow yeah I mean look you look young were you having fun back then or no dude I was a kid I was having a blast I'm opening for Dice Clay in Vegas I had no money was he fun to work with yeah he's the best that's cool he used to call me Ching he's the best he used to call me a slur no but Chi Ching even worse no it's better he goes it wasn't racist it's a fucking Chi Ching he was getting away with something no no no call me and then I was like just call me Chi Ching then he's like no Ching's good wow Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love dice. Anyway, give Sam a round of applause. Yeah! Did you have fun? Yeah, it was fun.