Sam Morril & Mark Normand

[MUSIC] >> Well, yeah, here we are. We might be wrong. >> Hey, whoa, we're here. This is it, baby. We're back. >> Now the solo. Is there a solo? Is this two solos in a row? >> No, we broke it up. >> Okay, good, just checking. >> The internet's going crazy about the Bobby Lee episode. >> Can we tease it? >> No, you mentioned it when you shot it in LA whenever. >> That's a good point. >> And people are like, this is good. Why do you get canceled? There's crazy encounters. >> It's coming out, but Bobby wanted to close it to the-- >> No, we held it because Sam and Bobby fought the whole time. Get that kicked out. All these dweebs out there on Reddit. They love a story, and they love drama, and they love when they have the inside scoop on something. >> Yeah, but well, just like this fucking special, Bobby, this episode may never come out. >> And just like Tony Hitzkliffe, it might not come out. So who the hell does? But well, it's going to come out when it comes out. Don't you worry. >> And fucking Peters here labeled the last episode, one more drink. >> Oh, it sounds like these guys call back to our old show. >> But they can't. >> And then it's like, last episode, what are they doing? >> Really? >> My drink, yeah. >> Well, it helped the numbers, it's doing well. >> Did it? >> Yeah, all these fucking some twink-queef-bitch made a post. Mark Norman goes off on Segoris. He goes off, so I was like, oh god, about the divorce, but I like Segoris. I like Christina, so I had to watch it, you know, through one finger like that. And it's me mentioning, hey, do you hear they got a divorce? And Lister's like, oh, that's crazy. And I go, yeah, this happens when you get divorced, but when Malaney got divorced, and Lister goes, one time, open for Malaney. And that's the whole thing. That was the whole thing. I watched it. But they get you on the headline. That's how they get you. >> Everything's bait now. >> Everything's bait. It's all bait. >> Yeah, it's all fish. >> Yes, we're got fish. >> Well fish. >> We're getting caught with like, that's it. >> Mm-hm. >> It's a bummer. What are you going to do? >> Yeah. >> Anyway, are you about to go to Segoris? >> Let's get those numbers back up. >> Yeah. >> You're talking about the divorce. >> I know. I can't wait to see the first lady he's plowing. That'll be exciting. >> I ain't really getting this up. >> Now this is going to be a problem. >> Well, I'm just saying, he's allowed, he's divorced. He's single. >> The next one is Mark Norman will not stop going off. >> This is crazy. >> Are they doing the pods, too? >> Yeah, so good for them. They're both great people. They're both funny. Yeah, hopefully they got nice kids. Give that a go, because if the pod is still going. >> I think it is. >> That might be a prison. That's a section of hell. Podcasts with your divorce spouse. Feels like a-- >> I did a podcast with the next ones. It's not before the breakup. That's how all the relationship was going. >> That's about right. >> We got to wrap this up, because we're on one egg shells. >> We got to actively continuing. Okay, that's like the opposite of entanglement. >> Right. >> Still going. >> What was that, when it's paltering? >> Good for the up-call day. >> Oh, yeah. >> Conscious of coupling. Wow. That's like when you get fired, they call it furloughed. >> Yeah. >> Why did that come in furloughed? >> You've been made redundant. >> Whoa. >> Which sounds worse. >> I've never heard that. >> That's what the British say. >> Made redundant. >> Made redundant. That sounds so much cooler than we're letting you go. >> Yeah. >> All right. We're going at it. I feel the same about server. When I was younger, it was waiter, then it became server. I think server sounds worse. I'm your server. >> Closer to slave. >> Or servant. Yeah. Servers, no good. I think people just change it to change it. They think that's helping, but they don't actually look at the words. >> Yeah, well, I mean, it's like the homeless when they keep changing the homeless. >> Yes. >> The unhoused. >> Unhoused. >> Unhoused. I'm like, yeah, they still don't have a home. >> They're right. >> We're not looking to the actual problem here. >> Yes. Yes. What about looping? >> The language and not the actual situation. >> Exactly. >> I said it when I was volunteering at one of those food things. I was like, oh, the homeless even though I don't say that. I'm like, they know what they are. >> They don't give a shit. >> Yeah. >> I'm here to help. I'm just being honest. I don't know. >> I know. It's similar with black. Whatever black was weird. Don't say black. See I'm going to America. I'm like, they're black. I'm white. >> Yeah. There was a time when people thought color was progressive. That's what racist people were. >> Exactly. >> They were like, the end word to color. And they're like, a color. >> Yeah, that's not good now either. >> Yeah, but then people of color is okay. >> What color? >> Person of color. >> I don't say it because it's ridiculous. It's been made redundant. >> But yeah, I think little people's weird. >> Yeah, it's not great. >> Little people? >> What the fuck? >> Yeah. >> It's crazy. >> I call them a teeny-weeny. >> I don't like it. >> It's not nice. >> I call them fun-size. That's my dick. That's the most best marketing spin of all time. I got a great sticker. >> You think what the bonus is for little people. You probably never have to pay for a short massage. It's less body to rub. >> That's true. >> You get a 30 minute. They're getting that whole body. >> You get your winner quicker. >> Winner quicker. >> Winner quicker. >> Winner quicker. >> And flights are better. Your legs are dangling. >> Yeah, why do you think I put Veter in coach? >> They go overhead for all I care. Flights are better. They probably shop on the kids menu. >> I don't think that's how it works. >> Give that to little people eat. They must eat littler amounts. I think a pony eats less than a horse. >> Yeah, but I don't think they want chicken fingers or dinner. If you're a 30-year-old, they want adult food. >> I forgot about the selection. I mean, to a midget, a slider is a burger. Right? If we're doing the math. Do you have any little person halibut here tonight? >> I forgot. It's French, right? It's macaroni and cheese and shit. It's not actual food. You can't get a pork house. >> It's important to the kids metabolism. >> Right. >> That's true. Although a filet comes in many different sizes. >> That's true. >> You can get a 10-ounce, a 12-ounce, a 14-ounce. So I'd go with a little filet. >> Wait, what did that red say? >> There you go. A slider, picking a blanket. >> Being a blanket is too tiny. >> That's not okay. >> Those things, you want a party trick. Break out a picking a blanket. >> I love a picking a blanket. >> Those things don't last five minutes. >> You're right. >> They're so good. >> The brown mustard? Oh, man. So good. >> Because it's the crescent roll on it. >> That's what it is. >> That's fucking good. >> Well, these hors d'oeuvres, they get too high of a balloon. They're all puffs now. There's a shrimp puff. I don't want a shrimp puff. >> I feel like a shrimp puff, isn't it? >> Yeah. >> Hey, shrimp puff. Could be a name for a midget. It's a shrimp puff. Are you sure? >> If he's puffy. >> If he's puffy. >> Well, if he felt their hands. >> Oh, my God. >> This is going to get us more shit in the cigarette stuff. >> It'll go over their heads. >> What about, well, Mulaney's got that great bit. You know, that one. >> I love that shit. >> That's how they say midgets more offensive than the end word. He goes, well, that's not true. Because we're saying one of the words. >> So good. >> That's a great bit. >> And then the tag to that. That's an adorable hand. >> That's a Brad Williams. >> That's a little person or baby. >> Yeah, that's a little person. >> Oh, my God. That's cute. >> Oh, there's your baby hands. >> Imagine that around your dong. You'd be fucking. >> Sure, super hero. >> Yeah. >> The Mulaney tag to that is, well, if you say midget, you're going to have 500 little people out there protesting. He goes, promise. >> I saw that live at the Skirmals Center. >> Damn. >> That taping. >> Yeah, because I just knew him as like, that was a funny guy in New York. He's like a really good comic. Obviously, it's special. It's free. And I brought a girl and she was more into him than me after. >> That's the problem. >> I know. I get a better act. >> Yeah, he's a good comic. >> He's very good. >> Did you see what Mulaney's doing in New York? >> I did. >> It's very cool. >> That's one of the coolest things I've ever seen in Comedy. >> Joe's pub, the seller. Carnegie Hall, Beacon Theater, MSG, Radio City. He's doing like every iconic New York. >> And getting bigger each venue. >> Yes. >> Starting a seller. So cool. And what a flex. >> It's a fucking huge flex. >> We're all bullshit on podcast all day. I'm doing dumbass reels. He doesn't do any of that shit. I'm like, sweating over a LeBron tweet. He's living in New York when he's going to Philly. He got nixed. I'm sweating over this shit on my toilet. Meanwhile, he's doing seven shows in seven days and the best venues in the city. >> That is a fun. It's cool. You're seeing the same hour. It's also like, I almost want to see how he adjust. Because he's kind of big when he plays a big venue. >> Right. >> He kind of moves away like rock will move. >> True. >> And he'll pace a little bit. We don't pace at all. >> No, no. >> But yeah, I haven't seen him in a small venue in a long time. He used to seem to come by the seller a bit. >> Yeah, yeah. I don't want to be smurched a man. I'm a fan. But I've only seen him bomb twice. And I've seen a guy probably 400 times. >> How's that be smurched in him? >> Well, I just don't want to ever talk about a guy bombing. I don't want to be mean. But-- >> Mark, no one can stop. I just don't know what that is. >> It goes off. I'm just saying, I've never seen him because he's such a good comic. And he's always prepared and polished. But man, seeing him struggle was weird. >> Yeah, because you feel like with him it just comes out polished. >> Yes. >> It makes so much sense for him. >> Yes. >> Yeah, he's got the polish, man. >> Yeah, he really does. He's like a premier or comic. I feel like I'm a blue collar, southern tootless yokel. And then you see him. And like that last one, baby Jay, was it the symphony hall with those lights in the back? >> There's an elegance, too. >> There's an elegance. >> There's like a class to it. >> A class. >> I remember, still remember, I think it was in college. I saw him do that law and order bit. >> Oh. >> That was like, oh god, this guy's really good. >> He talked about how they never stop unloading crates. >> Yes. >> All right. That's an amazing observation. Great observation. It's like how it's one of those how the fuck is no one said this? I know. Those are the best bits. Totally. Totally. He had the trump stuff before anybody else. You know, I'm gonna fire people with my children. I'll have gold and hair and names on the building and all that shit. Okay, these are such good comedy talks. It's a shame. This is our last drink. What a bummer. Yeah, but then you wonder if you're at that level with that sophistication. We're talking about the bits We're quoting are 20 years old or whatever. They're up there for sure. Yeah So it must be tough to sit around and go how do I top this? Oh, dude. How do I top that I mean you're right? You're working on new shit right now. Yeah, I'm a new shirt right now. It's there nights where I feel like a piece of shit Like completely. I just bomb this private in Greece. I couldn't have given a fuck when I got off stage because they were animals And you knew you were gonna do walking into a private story, but I got buried by a really funny comic at the seller recently And he's playing the hits. He's murdering and I'm doing new stuff and I was like I just felt like a bitch. You do and then you feel That's the thing about comedy is like I felt like a little person Not that kind just you know, no, I was with my girl after and she was like trying to show me up And I was like you just got to give me like 40 minutes. Yeah, yeah after the I was in I was just in Greece for a private turned in like a seven day You know trip chilling Corfu on the water. Yeah, I mean, that's look at this. This is what I was doing after Wow, the night after so, you know, I try to get there Guys live with a dream not bad, right? But the night before I'm at this gig and it's like you know when you just walk into a gig And you know, you're gonna eat shit. Yes, it's one of those where you know, it's outdoors on a beautiful island There's like 50 people there. They're playing like Poverati live before you type of music and everyone's like To do to do to do to do to the point. I'm like, I'm gonna eat shit. Wow the woman comes back she's like all right You go they want me there like 5 p.m. For sound check and I was like now. Yeah, you get a working Michael figure this out Yeah, so I get there like eight or maybe seven I go on a 10 so it's like it's dark out Better dark though. I will say but crazy to go that late. Yeah, and then She goes all right, so you're just gonna walk up to the mic and I think no, you got to bring me up. Yeah, you got to like and she's like what and I was like You know it's weird if I just don't she's like all right fine. I'll bring you up. She brings me up within two minutes You know that I begged them. I'm like can we do 10 minutes or like it's got to be 30 and I'm like wow I need to be like all right. Yeah, you're funeral. Yeah, it was my funeral But they were there and within two minutes, I'm like I'm you ever go through like an hour 15 and material in like 20 minutes. Yes Bam bam just try and and are you getting a little titter here? Maybe a some kind of inkling of of a joke landing You're shaving the tags. Yes, all the meat. You're like let's give them all the Media's parts of these shirts again. I'm getting like so here's the fun part is like There's three people up front who are laughing at everything. Okay, that helps. It's like the sun is apparently a big fan He's like the kid from an aura basically And his friend is brother one of the I think the sister laughing in his friend or laughing everyone else is like what's happening? You know, and I get it I'm doing like a line like man. This is at least it's better than time I performed on Epstein's Island Oh my god silence And I and I get it. It's like you know, they didn't hire They didn't know what they hired. They're like six-year-old birthday party. Why is it guy making pedophile jokes at our dinner and It's understandable. I feel like I had a few Epstein jokes. I just kept rattling. You know, you get hired for a billionaire to do a private gig You know, you got to read the fine print silence. I don't know if he's a billionaire. He's clearly rich and then My girlfriend's laughing hysterically at the bar trying to get some momentum She's like trying to think it'll be contagious And I'm like no she just looks like a lunatic over there. She's laughing her ass. I'm gonna like who is this woman. Yeah, she had an edible And at one point I was like, well, this isn't working and and the father yells out. This is not Russian humor So I was like alright this next joke takes place in Moscow I was on the subway and I was banging this Russian. I'm just doing anything I can to appease him just silence get off in the car going back and you're just like all right That's that's what it was yeah, and she's trying to chew me up the whole way and I'm like no No, that doesn't matter to me. The company seller matters. Yeah, when it's like people who know you, but like this was an unwinnable I'm hidden them with everything right right and like It's all about the trip. It's about the paycheck. Oh totally just I finally chill for a few days. Yeah, it was nice Look at that. I mean, how do you do they give you this boat? Do you rent this boat? Rant it. Wow. They were like you can drive it if you learn they just know life check it Fuck life check it's dude. It needs it. Come on. Yeah, but those arms think it's And I read this one. I was out there Sam talent you book big wreck hell yeah great writer loved it, dude Really you got to read it. I will read it. I love the first book You didn't read it. I did I read I had to read half of it just to get in the like to I was the voice in this Audio book. Oh, okay. It's great. Right dude. This new one's even better. I think all right. Is it it's a banger stand-up related? No, I mean look at that look at that cover. It's about a hit job gone wrong and what happens afterwards? And it's a complicated story and it's it's it's a banger dude. Okay, Sam talent's got the goods. He's a good writer a great vocabulary on it Dude, it's beautifully written. It reminds me of like Elmore Leonard meets like Richard Stark type writing It's like really cool writing. It's violent as hell. It's badass, but if there's like a sensitivity to it, it's so cool damn Stark's the next player. All right shit. All right. We'll get on it. I hope we did an audio book Maybe it is maybe did I bet he did I bet he did all right Well geez, but yeah grease you know, it's funny You got back from grease and I was like what what Sam getting back and then you landed and it was like what time Recording who do you got next week? We got to step this up And I was like oh this guy went on vacation now. He's like back at work mode. Yeah. Yeah It's hard to shut off dude. It is. It is. I can't do it either. I don't like it Yeah, but uh the one nice thing with the time changes you miss a lot of text. That's true because you just wake up to a lot of shit Like all right. You realize none of this is that important. Yes 100% 100% yeah, dude. It's awesome. I will say stopped in Paris for one night just because there's no direct flight to Corfu and Had the maybe the worst steak in my life. Whoa walking around real like I'll just take a place on this It was like a fucking it was I was I was this close to doing a sloppy steak You know that Tim Robbins and sketch where they dunk the water on it. Oh, yeah. Yes Yes, I was just doing it for the gag. So this is already bad. I may as well just do the hey like I've always said it I'm have French. I've been to Paris a few times. I think French food is overrated. It's so I mean this is a bat We just went to a random bad place, but it's a lot of thick lot of butter butter small portions a lot of butter Yes, it's not my favorite a lot of fine dining. Should I hate find I hate find I don't need the backstory on the food I don't need no it's also a little bit like a cucumber chilled soup like a fucking shot glass. I'm like oh cool But what it's gone. I want I don't want to Spend that kind of money and be hungry. I need to slice the pizza on the way. Oh, I know that's how I feel Yeah, it's a lot of like pastry fluff sauces. I don't know. It's not for me I think it's overrated and anyway, and this is this is a peeve. I'm gonna heat with a peeve There's a woman next to me. We're like a little outdoor cafe She's just breathing smoke into my face like just one of those like and it's not it's not even fucking a cigarette Like I can live with it being a cigarette cuz I'm like this rude bitch is gonna die. Yeah, she's gonna live to a hundred and four She's a vape it's a vape and it was like a nasty ass flavor And it's just in your face forever, and it's like and I keep giving the look Be a few weird being like what are you doing? Yeah, but I gave a I gave a lot of like stairs right But I didn't say anything. I mean if parisians are smoking vape paris is dead. It's dead the whole thing with paris is the little long gay cigarette And now you're on vape. It's not I respect the cigarette. Yeah, I don't respect the vape smoker. No, no Veepe is garbage. It's bad. I've been on like dates where I'm like, oh man, this girl and she takes out a vape and you're like Oh, yeah, it was going well. Oh, yeah, it's a bad look. It's a gross habit. It just looks trashy Looks like you're on a break at Walmart cigarettes. Although worse for you like they're kind of there's something hot about it Girl smokes a cigarette totally totally. Yeah, she makes bad decisions That's what it is. She smokes. She pokes. Oh I like that. That's my mom's it. That's where your mom said I poked her so much She's the most she pokes. All right. I've heard that. Okay. Damn good to know. I'll pack her all right Sorry, I have no filter. All right. All right. I'll I'll move on. But yeah, yeah, I'm with you on that even a cigar I like I like a guy with a guard too. I like I'm not a big cigar smoker though. Yeah Well, I was a period where list always wanted to smoke. Yeah, well, it's sober. Yeah, I needed some like I got I was never that into it one a month. I like you do one a month maybe one every two months Yeah, you get that back door a backyard area. That's why you're in on that's true And you feel like you own the house when you're smoking a cigar and you're back deck You're like this is my place. Yeah, I do what I want here. And that I smoke half of it I love the story back in the day. I think it was Caster was told he had to cut that was you a Caster or a chair It was one of them. They were told they had to cut down on cigars and the doctor. This is a Cuban doctor You can smoke to a day which yeah, that's a lot started smoking this long. I love that great logic amazing That's great. So I was - Oh, it's a Florida Tampa brought the baby. - Sidesplitters. - Sidesplitters, one of the best clubs, one of the best weekends, Tampa's awesome. They're calling it now the San Diego of the East. I don't know how you feel about that. - That's how you feel about that. - Yeah, more of the most, I think Tampa is the most. Tampa or Portland might want to give that a move. - I like Tampa, yeah, I like San Diego, it makes sense. - Yeah, so went there, brought the boy. Flew New Orleans first to a Tales of the Cocktail, did Tipitinas, we sold it out, it was great, all the friends came out college, high school, whatever, got too drunk, of course, 'cause that's what you do there with the friends. And I flew Breeze Airway, you ever heard of this? Had to do a puddle jumper from New Orleans to Tampa. Breeze, yes, the only thing direct was Breeze. They go to Charleston, Tampa, I don't know, Miami maybe, but it's a jet blue affiliate, great airline. I mean, it's like a shit box, but it's cheap as shit and got you there. So shout out Breeze. - Can you tell us about your stolen watch? - Shrew Breeze, yes, I'm getting to that. - Oh, I'm sorry. - So we go to the, I bring the boy, so we're in Florida, we gotta go see Dolphins. I'm a good dad, the wife set it up, I'm paying, we're going to see Dolphins. Bring the boy, he's 18 months old, he doesn't get anything. So we get on a little boat, it's me and a bunch of tourists, much like Russians and whatever, Scandinavians. We get out there, Dolphins galore. They jump into the boat, makes a wake, or those waves, and they jump into the waves, it's amazing. So they know how to do it. And so everybody's in the back of the boat going, "Huh, huh?" "Whoa!" And I'm trying to get the kid up. I'm trying to show him the dolphin, but he doesn't get it. But every time a dolphin jumps, everybody goes, "Whoa!" And there's cameras everywhere. And the kid didn't get it, he didn't like it. He kept kind of dozing off on the boat. And then we land, and the kid goes, "Whoa!" 'Cause he was mocked, he was mimicking the whole audience, the cutest thing ever. "Sarcasm." "Yeah, that's cute." "That was cute, I lost it." 'Cause he just went, everybody went, "Whoa!" For two hours, and at the end of the show, he got a tribute. He raised in a baby Bill Maul, he was like, "Oh, that's nice." Dolphins? Okay, what's the blow? "Oh, yeah." So that was cute, so. But before we went, we left, I got this hot new watch. I said, "We're going to see Dolphins. "Let me leave the watch on the counter in the room. "I don't want anybody, I don't want to drop this watch "in the ocean. "We get back from the five hours later, "we get back from the excursion, the watch is gone." "Oh, no." So I was like, "Yeah, it's a nice watch." So I flipped the place upside down, the bed, look behind every dresser, in every drawer, whatever. "You beat your wife, you demanded her, yeah." "Yes, of course." "Then did you do it, of course." "Yeah, I'm like Bruce Willis, where's my watch? "It's up my ass, walking." - That's good. - That's good stuff. - Yeah, so I've never been this guy, but I've never owned anything nice. So I call the front desk, and I go full Karen. I was like, "Somebody cleaned my room. "I had a nice watch, it's gone, and this is a grand height." So they're like, "Oh, so sorry, Mr. Norman. "We'll get on that, oh my god, I can't believe what I'm hearing." And I'm like, "You got cameras in there. "I want to know who has cleaned my room. "Oh, I went nuts. "I never had a watch missing." And then two days later, I found it. - Where was it? - The kid had stuffed it in the crib under the mattress. The kid took it, and he put it in his little dumb layer. - You're really raising an enormous five finger discount. - Got my watch, that twink. - Wow. - There you go. - You wallets in there too, you're like, "What the fuck?" - Yeah, there's a gun down there. I'm like, "What the hell?" - Damn. - Yeah, he's got a pearl neck. - So you know, that shit's all waterproof. You can wear that. - Oh, really? - Yeah, of course. - I'm too scared to ruin it. - Nah, it's waterproof. - All right. I guess they took 'em to the moon. - Yeah, of course. - All right. - The Omega. - Take 'em, yeah. - Well, I went down and personally apologized to the guy after I found it. - That's good. I respect that. We've all done that where you're just like, "Yeah, I fucked up." - I'm in bear, I'm in bear, I don't wanna be that guy. I don't wanna be like the, I say, "Good day." You know, "Fuck you." I want you to blow me. I didn't wanna be that, that Karen guy. So I just, I sucked it up and apologized to Charles. - I'm sorry, Charles. But yeah, had a great time, great club. BT is the man he's opening a new one. - Where? - St. Pete. - Oh, interesting. - Yeah. - How far is FM Tampa? - Ah, 35 minutes. - Oh, it's 45. - Like, that's the same audience, isn't it? - That's what I said. He's like, it's a whole different world over there. Those people don't leave. There's nothing to do there. It's like a community there. - I want to drive 35 minutes to see. - It's not really. Not to Carol would, where a size putter is. Pretty much the dumb burbs. - Got it, all right. - Yeah, but he said, this will be the nice one. And then, size putters will be like the, the original. - I love size putters. - Me too. - That's the one I've thought about. I mean, I did take a special one, Tampa. I love something about Tampa. Like, they never were grown at a joke. - Not what? - There's a good vibe in that city. - So I had this, I'd never had before. 19, 20 years of comedy. Last show, seven sold out shows. Doing the last show. Cooking, new materials cooking. I get this one. Hold up, hold up. I go, what the hell's going over here? I'm riffing on it. BT comes in the owner. People are standing up. All the chairs push back. Caesar. Had the guys seize it out. - Oh no. - Wiggen, you can see the table shaking. You see like one leg up, doing this shit. - Holy shit. - And I was like, oh god, so they wheel him out. And then. - How old a guy? - He's probably 45. - Oh no. - But then you go, do I zing? Or do I stop the show? - Because you want to be a professional. - You get one last burn on him and go, he's dead. (laughing) - Well, so it was kind of awkward. I'm like, oh, this is weird. And somebody goes, you're killing. - Yeah. - And I was like, yeah, thank you, Cersei. Comedy's hard. That kind of nice laugh. And then one guy goes, fuck him. Do the show. I'm like, gonna be back in Florida. You know, so I'm zinging off of the lines, but I don't really want to zing the guy 'cause he could be in trouble. - Yeah, it's not, you don't want that to be someone's last words they hear. (laughing) - Exactly. - You don't know how serious it is. I mean, these are scary, man. - Very scary. So, I asked BT who was like seven foot 12. I see him back in the room and I go, are we good? He goes, no, this is bad. And I was like, ah, shit. So they walked the guy out, like by his arms, his legs are dragging. And I was like, oh god. And I was doing this new bit about Superman that's bombing. So I was like, I won't do that bit again. I don't want to hurt anybody else. That's not bad, the bit was. And they bring about there. They're fanning him and he goes, I'm good, I'm good. I've never had a season before. I don't know where that came from. And they're like, that's worse. - That's worse. - Yeah, no. BT's like, you gotta go home. I can't let you back in that room. Your liability. Like, I don't know if you can fall down or whatever. You're toast. - You can't let a guy have a second season. - Exactly. - You gotta go to the hospital. - So they ubered him home and the two friends stayed. - Wow, what a shitty friend. - I know. (laughing) But yeah, I think he had a like a crazy edible. - I think it sparked something. - That happened to me once in a while. Someone in the crowd was like bugging out. - No. - And I just looked at them and I'm like, oh, it was one of the things I was like, oh, you oh, the face was like freaking, I was like, are you okay? And they're like, I'm freaking the fuck out. And I thought they were teasing me or something. - Yeah. - But I was like, the friends were like, they took too many addibles and I was, yeah, it's something about that town. - Yeah, wow, same club. - I had a guy at one time have a, some sort of like, I think he had a stroke. It was in, same vibe. - Scenics? Yes, I remember this story. - Yeah, so I mean, and it's a crazy thing to, what did you sing? - I made a couple things, but the first thing I said, I, he knocked a bottle over, so I was like, oh my god, what the fuck? Like I said, something riffing off that. And then they were like, he's having a stroke. And I was like, oh, fuck, I was like, calling an ambulance. - Stroke is serious. - Stroke or serious. It was something serious. And then I think it was a stroke. - Hmm. - Good band. - And a good band. But then the owner Howard came on and he was like, I've had many strokes. I'm like, yeah, but yours are from like Red Bull and Coca-Cola. - Yeah. - Yeah, you had like 14 Red Bulls and kept blowing lines. - Yeah. - This is like an older guy. - Right, you're a hunter-biden. This is Mitch McCombs. This is a different ball game here. - They kind of look, both look like both. - Oh, yeah. - And then, and then yeah, he waited for a while and then went back and did, yeah, I got off stage for a second because I was like, let's just wait till this resolve and I'll come back 'cause I don't wanna, you know, this guy could die. - Yeah. - He seemed to be okay when they left and while they're wheeling him out, Howard runs up into a stick on stage. I'm like, I could have done that. - Yeah, right. - And he'd ball me. I'm like, all right, well, I'm gonna look like a hero coming back in this room. - Yeah, let him do that dirty work. - Yeah. - A lot of these guys wanna be comics. These club owners. - Yeah. - It's bad. But all the PT in size, but it does not want to do comedy. - Kind of love it. - Which is why he's a great owner. - Yeah, so show one on, we had a good show, but I got a bunch of riffs out of it later. I waited till the guy was gone, then I made fun of him. So, look out for that clip. - Do you have a good clip of him? - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah. Hopefully it's okay. - Oh, he's fine, he's fine, yeah. - A seizure's fucking scared. - I know. You ever had a seizure or panic attack? - I had a panic attack once. - Well, that's here. I had one in my life and I'm scared even talk about it 'cause I don't wanna trigger one. - I was on the road. I was in a hotel room in Baltimore and I had taken a ediblesh. I don't normally do. - Jeez, we have a pattern here. - Yeah, I don't like edibles, but I was talked into taking it and I was like, all right, what the hell, it'll help me sleep. It did the opposite. - Yeah. - I'm on the floor like what the fuck is happening? - I've been there. - Yeah, I had a couple of those unedibles. I don't know. like keep trying it again. It's like, no, I'm not bill for edibles, man. - No, I'm not good with weed at all, but every time I smoke a joint, I go, that was a mistake. - I know. - Right after it hits me. It's not our vibe, our vibe is drinking. - Totally, we need to calm the voices, not enhance. - Enhance. - Well the thing about booze is like, it takes such a toll on your body though. - I know. - Not bodega cat though, it's hard healthy. - Yes, it's a healthy elixir. - But you feel it. It's like, stomach linings fucked up, I feel my, the way you feel after a bad hangover is like, yeah, this is insane. - Insane. - This is what I'm doing to myself. - I was there on Thursday, yeah, I've been drinking in New Orleans. And I even took those, I hate to shout about, I took those fucking pre-hangover things. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna be good. So it's take one, I took three, 'cause I was like, I'm really gonna be hungover. And I was still dead, still fucked. - Yeah, that's one of the more. - If you get like shit house. - Yeah. - I think that works if you have like four drinks or something. - I guess so, yeah, I was doing shots and beers between waiting for the cocktail, I drink my beer, then you get the cocktail. - That's how we used to drink every night. - I know, I know, we're lucky to be here. - Oh, God. - What? - One last drink. - One last drink. - Wait, what was I, let's say something before. - Oh, show your panic attack? - Oh, my panic attack, thank you. So, I've only had one. I failed out of UNO, University of New Orleans. I was a real piece of shit, drunk, whatever, poppin' pills. Failed out of UNO, so my parents said, you gotta get out of New Orleans. The city's too bad of an influence. So, I went to Baton Rouge an hour away. Went to Baton Rouge Community College to get my grades up so I could go to LSU. That was the plan. So, now I'm in Baton Rouge Community College. My life's falling apart. I live with five guys who are all losers, pieces of shit. Great guys, but we're all not going anywhere. One of 'em now is a line cook, one is a mechanic, like, you know, just rough and tumble guys. Living in a house, all we do is play poker, we try to get laid, we built a bar in the house and had a kicker ate or it was crazy, beer pong. So, my life is falling apart. I failed out of college. I got no props, comedy's not even on the radar. I never thought about comedy. I'm 19 years old, I can't do math. I'm the worst math student on the planet. I'm taking a math test. If I don't pass this test, I fail out of community college, which is like embarrassing. So, I'm staring at this math test. It's like trigonometry, algebra, and it just hit me. And I started seeing droplets of sweat hit the page. And that was like triggering me more. So, I go, and the room started spinning. I'm pouring sweat. I'm like, ugh, my life's falling apart. What the hell's wrong with you? I think I was hungover too. And I ran outside and this girl, who was like kind of a crack hitty, heroin chick, goes, what's going on with him? And she chases me out. And I was like, oh, weird stuff. And crack hit was worried about you. Yeah, she's not good. She was off. She had some drug. She had crazy bags under her eyes. She was kind of attractive, but she'd been through the ringer. Sure. So, I ran out and I'm in like the stairwell. Like trying to catch my breath. She comes in there and she's like, what the hell's going on with you? I'm like, I think I'm having a panic attack. I'm freaking out. And she pins me up against the wall and kisses me. Whoa. And I was like, what the hell's this? And I was like, the worst breath on the planet. And I immediately came to and I was like, I gotta go. And I pushed her and I got out of there and I got in my car and I went home. But that's when you know you're going through something is when a woman comes onto you and you're like, I can't do this. Yeah. I'll fuck Peter's if he walked up to, you know? So like, that's when I knew something was wrong. But I was like, you rejected a crack hit. That's gotta be low. Yeah. [LAUGHS] She definitely did not, she was like, she has a fucking panic attack. I, someone on heroin tries to kiss her. It just keeps going worse and worse. I think she thought I was on drugs as well. And she was like, oh, we're this'll bond us. It's attractive to me that we're both pieces of shit. But that got you out of it. Maybe that level of reality hit you like. That's interesting. Yeah. Your life, one crazy sliding doors moment away from you being like your high school buddies. Just like a bunch of drunk losers in Louisiana. Yeah. Totally, totally. And I started going to open mics. I remember I went to an open mic. Lucy surfer bar. Yes. But I went to one in Baton Rouge. And I remember I went and I was too scared to go up. So I didn't put my, they called my name and I just sat there. I didn't know anybody. It was like six people in the crowd at this shitty bar with a stage. It was scary. Scary. And as one guy went up named Chris Fontana. So funny. I was blown away. I was like, I'm in love with this guy. I was enamored. This guy is a great comic holy shit. If I could only do that, so confident. Smoking, beer on stage, funny. And I went back the next week. I saw him again and he did the same act. And I was crushed. I was like, this guy's a fucking fraud. That's him. That's him. He died of heroin. You saw how the sauces was made. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing is like-- Let the jacket. He was like a star. He just had it. He was like a stand-hope type. We're just like, ah, fuck the world. I'll kill all of you. You're all fucking suck. I'm awesome. Can we hear his joke? He's got an infamous Popeyes joke. Let's hear it. Whisker litter robot getting ready for a new baby. That's me. Means getting ready for basically everything. Sleepless nights, diapers, non-stop cleaning. And if you have a cat, there's another mess you have to think about. That's where Whisker litter robot comes in. It automatically cycles after every use. You're not dealing with daily scooping and handling waste. I love the litter robot. I got a big old main coon. He takes a dump like a bear. And having a cat's grade, but dealing with that litter box is easily the worst part. Litter robot takes so much of that mess and daily hassle out of having a cat, not having to constantly scoop. A litter box makes life a lot easier. 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Viagra is a registered trademark of Viatris specialty LLC. hymns is not affiliated with or endorsed by Viatris. I'm next. The woman in front of me is ordering. This is like a woman in her sixties is kind of a whoi-ish, whoi-toi-ish uptown woman. She's got some jewelry on, and a black cocktail dress. And she orders $400 worth of chicken. I don't know how to say that. That's a holy chicken. That's a sky. That's enough chicken. Where's a holy chicken in one breath? And just grab it, and the girl behind the counter hates life right now. She's just been running it on her eyes half-shut. No, guys, come on. We're like, "What's the big red ones?" "Will that people here have to go?" 16 years ago. And there's no way. There's no way she could be with enough people to eat all that chicken. It's physically impossible. If this happened to you or me, you'd have blown it off. It would have been the stone to do this funniest thing ever later, but not this moment. She must write the wrong. She has just witnessed who she tears into this. And he goes, "Well, I should certainly hope that's to go. That's enough food to feed an entire party for the people." Did you know that I'm having authority? I'm having a particular visit to the food for the party. Did you-- I ain't here alone. I'm alone. Did you think-- did you think that I'm just born to order $400 for the chicken? And instead of here, I'm as old. Can you eat all the chicken like it, by seeing chicken day, or something? And this was a special occasion for me. And I was going to see my friends later, and we won't say, "How was chicken day?" That's better than a big time. I don't know. He needs to land his plane. Well, let's lose. I'm nervous now. I don't talk this guy up. This isn't the point I do with my day. Do you think that that's what's going on? It's going to be. I still have shut the girl behind the counter. Looks back and says the symbol is brilliant thing. I've never heard of it in my life. Here we go. She says, "Bitch, I don't know your life." [CHEERING] Pause break. Let's see, like-- You've come a long way, man. That's your sliding doors on it. Bucks in the crowd, like, if only someday. [LAUGHTER] I don't know what a shit I don't think I did. I know, but you've never had. - I had a setup that was one and a half minutes. - No, but again, this is the '90s. - I know, I know. - Literally, the late '90s. - But it isn't hilarious. - Look at the jacket, look at the shirt. - The vibe. - And it's the act of the habitants. - And he had a swag, I'll give him that. - He's got a swag. - He's got a swag for sure, but it's so funny 'cause I was there too. There are guys I saw it open mics that I was like, oh my god, this guy's incredible. And then I'm like, I thought that guy was funny. - I know. - Like some of them were fucking horrible. - It's a bike. - 'Cause I was horrible, but live comedy, there is something about it where you're in the room. - Yes. - You feel an energy and sometimes the bit wasn't good, but there was a confidence and like a swagger to certain guys when they're young. I remember thinking like this guy's got it. - Look at that, it looks like the lead singer of something right there, you know. So as a young kid who he's going and this lady said the create and I'm like, oh baby, give it to me hard. I was like, I was loving it. - Yeah, but you were like it open mics. You were nervous. - Yes, it was. - And that's a good thing. - That's true, and I had paper. This guy had never wrote any of that. Maybe this swaggy as an open micer. - But I will say, I'm hung out with this dude since then, 'cause you know, comedy start, you get into comedy, just to hang out with everybody immediately. We got drunk. He was fucking hilarious hanging out at the bar. - Yeah, I heard his pop-up story. - His pop-up story is fucking awesome. - But he would hold court, he was funny and great, and he would put him back and we had a great time. And he was like the leader of the group, you know. So, yeah, when you're young, you see a guy do that whole act out and you're like, damn, this guy's got balls. He's up there, he's so vulnerable, blah, blah. - Oh dude, I knew a guy, this guy Glenn Coil, probably told the story before, but he was so funny, he was, I don't know if anything exists of him, but he was, he made me laugh so hard. He was like, he was, he's passed away too. He was huge drunk, but he was so fun to be around. And he remembered he did joke, he was my, my girlfriend got Lou Gehrig's disease, so I traded her. - Ah, nice succinct, tight joke. - Yeah, it's some funny shit, yeah, it's some funny shit, but and he's a great dude. But you never forget those guys, you start-- - Totally, totally. - They make a huge impact, especially when you see a guy that's funny and they're, and they're, usually, we're cool. - Yeah. - We all remember those guys and Mike's, they could be a dick, but usually you're impressed with them and they feel that. - Yes, they, and not only was he cool, he was, I like, was like, oh my god, he's talking to me. How funny is that? I was at a bar going, "Christophe Montana's taking the time to talk to me, is this crazy?" He's like, giving me attention and it felt good. - Right now, as a kid in grief, like, one day, I'm gonna be like him. And then he saw him. (laughing) This is not Russian humor. But yeah, I don't know why they were expecting Russian humor, by the way. - I know, right. Aren't you part, like, aren't you descendant? - It's, my, like, 23 me is, like, Polish, Ukrainian, like, pretty much anyplace Hitler's steamroll. That's a little checkers of Ockin in there. Yeah, dude. - All right, well, you won in the end. - Yeah, we did all right. - Yeah! - Hey, hey, we're all right. (laughing) - But, yeah, not Russian. - Yeah. - But I guess that line's all blurred anyway, from back then. - But hey, it shows you're panic attack. My pants, it shows how far we've come. - Well, I was just on the road. I just can't handle wheat. It was just, like, shit, like-- - Oh, yeah. - I had one also in college where I just, it was always weed-related. It was always, like, freak-outs. Like, I was bad with, the one in Baltimore on the hotel floor. I was, like, shaky. I was, like, the room is shaking around those. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, I'm gonna die. That's what I, you know, we'll say, it's like a panic attack. The others were just, like, a lot of, like, heavy self-doubt. - Mm-hmm. - Yeah. - But, which I have sober, I don't need a smoke of my joint forward. But, yeah, I was, like, I'm having a heart attack, and I'm gonna die, and my girlfriend at the time was, like, you're having a panic attack. You're okay. It's like, you know, you see why you need someone, but I'm like, you usually don't need that for weed. - Well, I think that's why we look up, 'cause I've been getting really into history, and you start learning about watching all these guys, and you're like, how are they up at the front lines, holding a sword with, like, you know, the British army not having a panic attack? I think that's why we look up to Jalen Brunson, is down 29 points, with four minutes, composure, and the pressure, and they're still delivering. That's unbelievable. I had a math test, knock me down, you know? - But that fucking crackhead, she lifted you up. - That's true. That's big. - Hope she's all right out there. - I hope so. - She wasn't bad looking, but she just was, you know, I think she had a black eye, I mean, it was a tough time out there. - Fuck, that's bad. - Yeah. - Hopefully, yeah, hopefully people get sober. You see it in the country, man. You see a lot of people tweak that. I feel like I see less in New York than I did for a while. - Yeah, I think so too. - But who knows? - That was a while when I lived in the village on Manetta. I would walk down, and I'd see like, oh, there's a guy doing crack, and like a little alcove. I saw that all the time. I saw needles all the time. - We used to see it like right outside the studio, right? All the time. - Really? - Yeah, I used to live next to a halfway house. So I would just see a lot of those dudes. Some of them were getting better, you know, but then some, you know, got to put it somewhere, you know? - Yeah, yeah, shit. - I'm at the halfway house, not the needle. (laughing) - That my backyard. - Not my backyard, better. - Well, what do you think of Lebron's? I kept-- - Going to the Sixers? - I kept staring at the Lebron story, and I was like, there's a joke here, and somebody got it. - What was it? - Somebody tweeted it, and I stared at it for hours. - What was it, Joe? - I thought it was gonna be something of flopping. I was like, the joke's gonna be all right. You can't flop in a helicopter, bombed. - 'Cause he's gonna live in New York, and then fly every game to Philadelphia. - Chopper to fill in. - That's what JJ Reddick did. - Oh, really? - He lived in Brooklyn, yeah. What was the joke? - The best tweet I saw was, and I wish I knew to give him credit, but he said, it sucks so much living in Philly, you'd rather risk your life than live there, or something like that. - There was another good one, too. Yeah, it's crazy he went there, but I mean, you have the Celtics don't trade, Jalen Brown to the Sixers, this doesn't happen, so if you're a Philly fan, enjoy it. I mean, you got a good team for at least a year, too. - What is it, M.B.D.? - If you can stay healthy. - Yeah. Well, he wants one more champion, but he's bouncing around, L.A., Miami, Cleveland. He's jumping around like a convicted priest. - This is his fourth stop. - This is the one I thought was the best one. It's our pal, Elon Altman. - What do you say? - Lebron's the first person to move from Bel Air to West Philadelphia. - That's good. - That's good. - I'd send him a nice text on that one. Well played. - Yeah, are there any other bangers? - Let's see. - Yeah, Lebron, yeah, I mean, I'm kind of happy because the Knicks lose the championship. He's definitely a Knick. - Really? - Definitely. I think it was probably mutual that he didn't want to come as badly, 'cause they won. - Yeah. - Because it's not as cool a story if they lose. - Right. - And then the Knicks were like, we're good. - Yep. - Right, we got our squad, but yeah, it's cool that our first championship have been 53 years. He can't like claim it. It's our guys. - Yes, exactly. I'm sure they didn't want him either, right? They don't want that guy in the green room or the locker room. - I think you're such a comic. (laughing) - They don't want that guy on stage. - Yeah, they auditioned him for the team and it didn't. But, no, I think probably chemistry was a, he's still good. - Sure, I think chemistry is probably concerned when we were good. - Is that Philly team a threat now? - Yeah, they're good. We swept their fucking ass this year, but they lost, they traded Paul George who was kind of a negative for Jalen Brown and they got LeBron. So if they're health and they got Tyrese Maxi who's a stud and VJ Edgecomb is a good young player, they added this guy Dean Wade from Cleveland who's really good defensively. They're deep. They added this guy Simon's who's a good shooter. They're gonna be a tough team for sure. I think it's all about like health, you never know, but on paper they're really good. Do you kind of feel like as a diehard Knicks fan, we got the win, took 53 years, we got it. We're good for a while, like if they have a bad season, it's not the end of the world. Obviously you don't want them to have a bad season but you got the win. - Yeah, I'm, yes and no, I'm good for life kind of 'cause it was so epic, but at the same time, like we have a short window with these guys. - That's true, that's true. - So I hope they can like, at least make, if they don't win, at least make some noise in the next couple of years, I think they could. - Yeah. So come on in to the pod boys, Jalen. - Josh, come on in. - Josh, sorry I called you boy, but you know what I'm saying? You know? - Oh, boys is different. - Boys is different than that. - Yes. Come on down, we'd love to have you. Tell us about your experience and tell Shazmat to lower the price. - Oh did you see this thing about SGV and Gain? - Shammat. - Shammat. - Shammat. - Shazmat. What the fuck was that? - I'm like the Mark Whisperer. I'm like, what the fuck was that? - Shazmat. - I hear my hot soda to wookie. - You speak Norman. - (laughs) - I'm a Chewbacca. - I'm a Chewbacca. - I'm like, he says hello. - I'm like, goo. - So someone found SGA's Grindr account. - No way. - Yeah. - Get out of here. - He's too high profile to be on Grindr. - I'll say I didn't need it. - No. - There it is. - Whoa. - Bung. - I'm gonna guess this isn't real. - Can you pull up the gay, straight guys? - Yes sir. - This is my favorite thing on the internet. - What is this? - You must have seen this. - What is this? - I don't want to ruin it, but there's a guy who goes to a man on the street on the strip. - Would you rather a gay guy lose his Wi-Fi or that one? - No, I've seen that. Would you rather have $1,000 or a gay guy lose his Wi-Fi and they just, and then it just makes your phone glitch? (laughs) - Like it stops loading, so like, oh, I'm the gay guy. That's a good joke. - Yeah. - This is the most brilliant comedy thing I've seen in years. - Do you think this guy is gay or straight? - No. - Gay. - Gay, what makes you say that? - He just has a gay persona. - Are you gay or straight? - Yeah, that's right. - Do you think other people would think that? - That's why I say it. - I'm straight. (laughs) What makes you say that? - I don't know, he looks too happy. - Wait, he can't look happy? - No. - No, no, I don't know. Be honest with you. It would be just a- That's Jeffrey Epstein. I know right. It's close. Now are you gay or stay? I'm straight. Do you think other people would think that? I have no idea. But the good thing about me is I don't care. Do you think this guy is gay or straight? Honestly, I think the interviewer again because there's a grown man. Why you ask this another naked game? Are you okay? All right, this is not the original guy. The original guy is better, but the genius of this bit is it taps into the male ego Could you go oh that guy's a homo? I'm the shit But then every one of those things you're the homo. I mean, it's brilliant. What makes you say that guy pose You could just tear are you gay or straight? I'm straight Do you think other people think that I don't give a fuck when I buy the estate does this guy look gay or should you know what he does Yeah, you saw this video you look gay to me like me and they never not say gay. They say gay every time I mean this I'm on the floor of my apartment howling watching this shit Good times you need some n-word in there when they say the n-word. It's fun here. That is true Yeah, it's like a punctuation a nice little exclamation point man. I mean look at this photo They found the right photo. I'll give them that. Yeah, I'm acting great. You can you can screenshot us and make it Let's do it bring it up. Oh, let's do it. Let's do a face like I'm blowing Bobby at one point on this table like we've done it all you just freeze frame on the right there. Yeah, it's pretty easy to make it look good By the way speaking of those internet videos some guy made what about me and he's like the comedian other comedians hate and it was me and I was like Oh, gee here we go. So I read the description and it's just a list of people I farted on That's good stuff pretty good. I'll take it, but it's like a picture of our gotsy like Louie like, you know, it's all these guys are done. Louie. I did yeah, you don't know the story. Yeah, I know that so I thought you're not in the episode No, no, no, no, no, I know the hotel story. Yeah, I wanted to follow him here to get redemption But I didn't have anything cooking redemption would be him farting on you not you farting at him again Redemption, I thought I'd you know, I'd even the score by farting on him twice Well, you know what I mean. I wanted to keep it going Yeah, that was a hot up man. Yeah, people like to Louie up right over half a million half a million Over half a million. Yeah, okay. Not including the audio. Let me do a thing on the show called working on any bits Yeah, are you guys working on any bits? I got a few ideas. All right. I got some ideas I had one idea about how like I went to the dog park the other day I couldn't get in. You need a dog to get in. You know They went to the kid park same thing. I go that's a that's a fair rule. Yeah, you should have to have a kid to get in right so different You know like you can like go up to someone be like hey, can I pet your dog? I've never go up to someone's kid like may I? You know, I said you know that you want your dog to get groomed I need like one more but it's like close a lot here. Yeah, yeah, kid park versus dog park Yeah, well cuz they were like side by side. We just went to buy a pocket full of treats. Oh, yeah Treats is fun. Oh, how about this? How big is it gonna get? Oh, you always say that with a dog, you know, or like how old? How old Maybe oh, maybe a girl could be like this is my son. He's a rescue. Yeah, you get the rescue line in there He's adopted. He's a rescue. There's a lot to play with a lot here. Yeah, I'll I'm noodle with it tonight It got something last night for sure. Yeah, cuz it's okay to say I love dogs. I'm a dog lover and not have a dog Yeah, but you can't not have a kid. I love kids. Yeah, that's the line. That's the at the angle. Yeah, I love I love dogs. Yeah, do you have one? No? I love kids. Yeah, everyone That's what I think maybe that's it. That's right there. All right. It's close There's a lot there. I'm gonna take it back. I was bent the seller every night. So it's been helpful all right Now tell me this I'm very happy with his line and I think I can add to it, but I'm so nervous. It's been done. Okay So I was looking at Smolani's lawn order bit Yeah, keep on packing trucks. Yeah, I have a bit about like LGBTQ blah blah and then I hit me like it's weird that gay This gay men and gay women, but we have the word lesbian. Why can't you just be gay men and gay woman? Why do we need the word lesbian? Then I realized oh because gaming's happy. Oh My god, it kills it kills and then I say a couple other things like I ran that joke But my lesbian friend she hated it which checks out that's fun. So it's got it's got legs But I'm so worried it's been done that feels right there gaming's happy. I have it. I've heard gaming's happy It's a line. That's the only fear I have. Yeah, but then everybody knows lesbians are bummed out. I mean you gotta Google it I think yeah, I guess so, but it's but it's it's a funny line. Yeah, all right. Thanks. It's it's hitting it's gaming's happy It's good. It's getting one of those laughs or they're like no They're reluctant laugh. I love they're reluctant love reluctant. So I'm happy with it But yeah, I'll play with it. You're gay with it. All right. What else you got? Oh, should I show you go you go? I think it's let me see um What I have he's liking that one. You like that one? I do. Yeah, I think it's worth googling, but it's fun All right, I'm too scared to go because I got nailed with South Park everybody's like that's a South Park bit the last one I did really yeah undercover cop's doing anal Um, I said it's weird that gay sex used to be considered that was illegal and I go how to hold the cops and force that Was there one undercover cop in a hotel? I'm like You're under arrest, you know, like I remember that South Park actually what happened? It wasn't gay. It was just oh well gay. It was well South Park is a little different. I look I watched it So I don't know where to go here, but it's a South Park is a cop dresses a prostitute and the Pratt House Take you know buys the prostitute and fucks one of the guys and then He's like he's under arrest for prostitution and all the cops are like Bob Don't you think you're taking this a little far with the price and then he goes give me an evidence bag Shits out all the jizz because it's South Park. They don't miss they don't miss and they're like Bob I think you got to cool it with this I remember it now. I remember that but it happened to me with a joke once back in the day at a joke about how like Halloween is the best day for registered sex offenders to knock on your door. That's a great joke SNL did a sketch about it. So I had to just drop it Yeah, but I mean, that's how it happens. You got to research it. I had this idea I have a whole abortion chunk that's hitting now. I have this one line. I'm trying to tweet this one line about Hell someone told me they got an abortion for $800 and I was like I think that's a good price because it shouldn't be the The price part that you regret. Oh, yeah, you shouldn't believe in the clinic like that was a fucking rip. I got fucked twice Right. Yeah, that's good. It didn't do great last night, but I read there's something there Yeah, it was at the end. It might have been too many abortion jokes. I had like a morning after because the others are killing and then You know abortion jokes still hit a nerve with people. I'm noticed you think like a this progressive city abortions legal, but they still I don't think it's like an internal thing a primal thing, but it's still bothers people Um, yeah, there's something there. I'll hit some other ideas. Hold on. Let me look. Yeah, give me give me a quickie a quickie I got another quickie. I got a couple quickies Oh, I got a I got a quickie. I don't know if I've ever brought this one here. I like feel like it's close. I've had this headline it said Teacher molested seven schools at a $60,000 a year high school And I was like I don't know if you need to put the price in there. I don't think that's the part that's the issue Right anyone like look this school's tuition free. So if your kid gets fucked. It's on you. Oh, that's good. There's something of that maybe that's good Yeah too many pito jokes. I do too That's my bread butter Which would I give the kids? Um, but yeah, yeah, I got a lot of them too It's like fucking close. That's really good. No, I think there's a lot there. Yeah, what else you got? Um You know, no one ever goes hey my kid got in this really good school. He's not gonna get fucked You know, no one ever goes. My kid's going to public school. He's a godter. It's a it's a free for all. Yeah. Yeah. What what else you got? Um, is this anything? So my wife is always like you got a big you got a cool it with the ego. I hate the male ego male ego And I was like men do have a big ego like I can say to the room everybody in every guy in this room thinks they're attractive And I'm looking at you. There's a lot of us goes out there whatever Every guy thinks they can land the plane if the pilot passes out like I can do this That's the male ego and I go men have to lie to themselves because women don't compliment us Ladies, we compliment you and my wife goes, yeah, but we don't lie to ourselves and I go no no we lie to you And that hit that's good, but it's a let's a lot of mouthful there. We don't lie to ourselves make up Oh, that's a lie. It's a good point. Yeah, although I guess you're Not like I have to cover this exactly. So you kind of keep it real But we lie to it. Yeah, do I look famous? No, no, I mean it's the go-to is to lie to women It'd be stupid not to lie to women. Does your wife never compliment you? No, never never Years either never, no, no, no, I'm not mad over compliments. We all the time. What kind of compliments? Yeah, what do we talk? You're the best you're so like all the time I get non-stop Yeah, I think that means she wants you to do it to her. I do do it. Okay. Well then shit. I've never had a woman I don't think any of my exes did maybe this is a weird one No, I mean hold on to this one. No, man. You got a rare bird here. Yeah She is actually a bird. She's not a woman Fucking a bird. I love that shirt. Yeah, she's compliment you stick with it because I don't it Peters. Does your wife compliment you? Yeah. Oh, interesting. I think it's not that weird. Oh, okay that might kill the logic of the bit then. - But it's like, maybe just say, my wife never complements me. - Yeah, maybe you're right. - But I like the line. Say the line one more time. - She's like, "Why do men lie to themselves?" Women do lie to themselves. I'm like, "You don't have to, we lie to you." - Yeah, we're picking up your slack. - Yes, yes. - I gotta break in. Jim Jeffery's has your joke. - Shut up. - Yeah, just, remember, he did that thing about like two lesbians and then he says at the end, it's because gaming's happy. - Wow. - That's right there. - Damn, I had a new bit killing. - Damn. - What a bummer. Well, thank you. Good to know, 'cause I don't want to reddit kicking my ass over Jim Jeffery. - My next bit is about taking my friend with muscular district with the brothel. So this is a bummer. - I've got a bit of a gun control here. - Do your Popeye's material. (laughing) - Salahkuis goes, "Oh, fun. Chris Montana." (laughing) We love you, Chris. - Jim Jeffery's is a prolific dude. - Yeah, damn it. - Great, great comic. - Same line. - Great minds. I'll chalk it up to great man. - Yeah, yeah. It's better to hear that than like, Mancia has that bit. (laughing) - What she took from Jeffery's. (laughing) - It says you like the post. - Shut up. - Yes! (laughing) - Salahkuis goes, "Oh!" - I do love the bit about the game. Though lesbian marriage. - That's it. And at the very end, it says that. It's the line at the right. You may have not gotten to the end, but it's good to get it. - It's good before you get really attached to it. - Oh God. Wow. That's great to know. Shit. It's a bummer, but good to know. - Yeah, we lied to you. That's the crux of the bit is like, so what's the setup again? - Set up is like, she's talking about the male ego, 'cause that airplane going down. That was a big famous viral story. Like every guy, 80% of men think of a pilot passes out, they could land an airplane. - You need examples of you line or, and then I think it's gotta come back to you being like, like why we lie to ourselves. 'Cause men do lie to ourselves. - We do, we do really do. We go out and look good. The same thing, like, you know, if the terrorists took over this plane, I could do something. - Yeah, totally. - But it's like, no, you couldn't. - No. - They'd shoot you immediately. - Exactly. I mean, we do it on the couch. You're like, he messed that fucking touch. I would've made that touch down. You know, shit like that. - Yeah, I remember I had a roommate who used to say, like, if I had painted a man in his training, I could've made the NFL. And I was like, he got the training 'cause he was good, you idiot. - I exactly, training. That's hilarious. - No, you think they'll, like, you see a movie, like about a badass and you're like, I could do that. - Yeah. - It's like, no, I could fucking watch it. - Yeah, we think we're John Wick. That's why we watch it. We go, that's cool. I could do that. There's a little party at Mencia. Believe it or not, he had that old joke where every guy walks out of an action movie and it's like, I can get anybody's ass. I'm ready to fight anybody. Not his best joke, but I think he stole from Bob Newhart. (laughing) But I'm just saying. - Well, it's like Eddie Murphy's bit about Rocky when he's like, you were telling him to get out there and you believe that shit. - Exactly. - Yeah. - Oh jeez. Oh jeez. I didn't know about this. It's a month old. - He was stealing money too. - Oh my god. - Tweet it. (laughing) - Yeah, 12. Carls, we see it, 12 felony tax related. - Wow. - Yeah. - Holy moly. - 8.7 million in personal corporate income. - Whoa. (laughing) - Holy shit, he stole Wesley's times bit. (laughing) - Damn. - Damn. - Clip that one. That's like a little clip bit. - Yeah, stealing. - Yeah. - All right. Is it you, I won. I did the ego thing. - I read this book on the Nuremberg Trials and it's two ideas. I have one is, I know, a light summer read. But, but one of it, one of the, it's about Hans Frank, who's Hitler's attorney. - Oh my god. - And how he was maybe gay. Like his son thinks he's gay. And I told it to a friend. He was like, yeah, they're just saying that he ruined his reputation and I was like, I mean, he was a Nazi. - Rod. - Is that tipping the scales for anyone? - Yeah. - He was a Nazi and I go whatever. It's like, Andy fuck dude. So I was like, all right, screw that guy. And he's like, it's even worse. So that was part one. And then part two was how his son grew up to be a prestigious journalist. And he would, you know, he would go, like, you know, right around the world. And he's part of this book. And he goes to a concentration camp and someone asks him, did you lose your family? In the Holocaust, and he said actually the opposite. My father's Hans Frank, he was one of the architects of the concentration camps. He was Hitler's attorney. And he walked away with great shame and guilt. And I was like, wow, if that were me, I would have just said no. - Yeah. - Like, what the fuck? Why do you share that much? You say guilt. - You're not helping anyone. - Right. - What do you want them to do with that information, you know? - Yeah, that's great. - So I think there's something there, but the gay thing is a part that's like, I think it could be like a maybe better word, it's like, yeah. I think if Hitler's, Hitler's like, if I had a Jewish law, I wouldn't be in this trouble. - Yeah, I thought about that because there's something funny about like them saying that Jews are inferior and then they're just being prosecuted by all these fucking super Jew lawyers. Like these are like, literally the smartest lawyers they had. - That's funny. - And they're like, fuck, they're actually not bad. - Yeah, yeah. - You know, something like that. There's also something funny about like, gay or not. I don't know which way to go here, but like gay and not see, it's like either way, you're just appointing any father. - One of those is gonna piss off any dead. - Yeah, well it's gotta be the Jew lawyer thing. It's gotta be how the white supremacists feel when Jackie Robinson showed up. - Ooh, that's funny. - Oh, we're the superior rays, we're better than them. - We're pretty good at this. - Yeah, yeah, right. - Bolt 1947, by the way. - Oh, is that right? - Jackie Robinson was 47. - And the drive? - And the drive? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, holy shit. - Wow. - Pretty long ago. - That's a good fucking movie, 42. It's a good, it's a good sports movie. - Yeah, Jackie Robinson. I like the gay thing, too, like. - There's something to it, right? - Kumail had this great old bit where he said, uh. - 57, I'm sorry, 57. - Yeah, that's a good word. - That makes more sense, so you guys. - Kumail has a great bit about Dumbledore, JK Rowling made Dumbledore gay, and like that pissed off a bunch of people, and there was like, I can't believe he's gay, like, you can believe he's a wizard. - That's 10 Alexander. - Oh, is that 10? - Yeah. - Uh-oh. Man, that is 10. What am I thinking of? - Ah, Kumail had a different Harry Potter bit, maybe. - But yeah, you're right. - Between us, we get a pretty good encyclopedia. - Not bad. - Oh, not bad. - April 47. - Oh, yeah. - Wow. - All right. - You're my dad with me. - That was probably Nuremberg Krause, right around then, too. - That's crazy that it was in '47. - Yeah. - That must have been a really fucking heart. - Oh, I think he fought in the war, is that true? And he was like, I can't believe I get to fight in the war, and I can't play baseball, my god. - I thought he was baseball player's fun in the war. - All those guys, dude. - Ted Williams was last three years of his prong. - Ted Williams was the fighter pilot. - Created 2010 vision. - In Korea, too. He served in Korea as well. - He'd kill. - Oh, he killed people. - He killed people. - Oh, he's a bomber. - But he had crazy vision, because if you can bad 400, clearly you got insane eyesight. - Yeah. - But his whole unit, I think, was crazy. I think it was the best. - God, man, we're men. We're weak. - We're poses. - We are, we really are. We're going over, just going over there as a hassle. I gotta go to fucking Germany, how long's that flight? Do is it first class? No, you're actually on a plane in a bench with your thing hooked. - The flight is delayed now. We're like, I know. Meanwhile, they're like, you have to go to war, and they're like, all right. - Yes. - So men did. - You see the guys in the U-boats. I'm like, how many are in here? There's a lot of people. There's no cushion, it's all metal, like the raves. - Is it a meal? - Yeah. - Exactly. - That's my impression of a Jew on the Odyssey. Is anyone have drumming any of those wristbands? I'm seasick. - Is there dairy in this? - Sam has a panic attack in Greece for 15 minutes. - I know. - I know. - Not a panic attack, but I know. I was fine there. I felt bad after the seller. That's what I feel bad. I feel bad when I give them, I feel like a bad show. And I'm slipping. 'Cause you can't, that's the thing about the sellers. You can't help but compare yourself to other acts. - Sure. - And on the road, you're kind of free of that. 'Cause you have the cushion of your audience. And you know, you sometimes watch the opening, but you're usually working on your ship, but I often see someone before me at the seller. - Yeah. - And if I, so I know if I got buried. - Totally. - So it's not healthy, but you're gonna compare yourself. - And whether we like it or not, the audience is doing it too. I see everybody walk out, go, the third guy was great. I didn't really like the, the one guy, but the second guy was awesome. They do it, it just instinctively. But the road is great too. I'm doing Jim Jeffries bits. I'm killed. (laughing) Crushing Jeffries. Won't happen again Jim. I didn't know, even though I liked the bit apparently. All right, shit. Hold on, thought I had one. I can't find it. There's a piggybacking on the gay thing. Feel free to cut, I can't think of it. - Yeah. - Maybe it's in my phone. - This has been a great last episode. (laughing) We have to do that. We do last drink every week now. - Totally. - Guys, this is it. - Oh yeah. By the way, the right left thing is working about the right loves the country. Love hates the country. That whole thing. - Can you set that one up for us? I don't remember. - I did it on the last step. - Two apps ago. - And then Peter's gave me the line. Try it. Try this, this food tastes weird. Try it. And that's killing. So, who does to you? Damn it. There's always a couple I have that I'm like, this should work. - Yes. - Funny, I was talking jokes with Matt Brussard, who's so mathematical about jokes. He's a very good joke writer. And he's like, that should work. And then I tried it and it didn't work. And I was like, yeah. - Yeah. - I mean, it's a section of a joke that people compliment and it just isn't working. - Right. You're like, that was hilarious, it works like 30% of the time. - I know, I have a few of those too. It's so frustrating. Is this stupid, just tell me this is stupid, I'll move on. So I got this kid, and it's weird that a lot of my rich friends I know have no kids, and a lot of my broke friends have five kids. I'm like, what's up with that? Why would you, you know, why would you have a kid if you're broke? And then I really, making kids is free. Isn't that weird, the most important thing in your life, the most thing you love the most was free to make. Obviously it costs money later, but free to make. And then maybe it's 'cause rich people can have their own experiences. They can go to parties, concerts, travel. Poor people are like, this is my thing. I can make a kid. - Can we send that funny about how gay guys love Broadway? It's expensive, can't make a kid. - Are you right? - Right. - Are you still fucked though, I guess? - Uh, yeah. And then the only part that gets a laugh is I go, it's free to make a kid, get rid of a kid, that's 400 bucks. - That's good. - That hits 'cause maybe they're so poor they can't afford to get rid of it. But I think that, I think the point of it is, if you're rich, you can afford to like-- - Do other stuff. - Do other stuff. When you're poor, you're like, hey, I can make a kid and have a pretty cool life. - Yeah, I'm actually getting expensive, let's fuck. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You don't think about that, there's gonna be an 18 year commitment. - Right. - It's free to make, but then you're like, it's almost like maxing out your credit cards. I had that line, it's a good credit card, yeah. It's free to get, but then after a while, it's gonna ruin your life. - Yeah. You got to pay for it. - Yeah, free to, I had a bit that never worked from back in the day, it was like about Elon Musk and how rich and poor actually have more in common than you think. - Yeah. - But it's like, both of them just like, they love fucking without condoms, you know? - Yeah. - I forgot where it went, but the angle was like, 'cause I think rich people were like, I get to work out, I'm rich and poor people are like, I mean, I'm fucked anyway, I'll just, you know, it's not like that part, I think the premise of it, I forgot how it went, but. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, the idea that kids are free, I think it's like, pay later, it's like, - Pay later. - Free now, pay later. - Yes, yes. - What else is free now that you pay later for? - Yeah. - It's like. - It's college? You take out a big loan. - That's fucking good. - College. - 'Cause then you fuck, she later like takes a loan out too. - Yeah, right, right. And the kid wants to go to college. - That's, I think there's something there. - Interesting, college, huh? - What else, what, what, I mean, it's free. - Credit card. - Getting married is free. - No. - Well, the wedding is, I mean, you can go to the city hall. - I find a lot of rich people I know are much more stingy than the poor people I know. - Hmm, interesting. - Tell you notice that, like poor people, like I just take it and rich people are like, yeah, fuck, I need this. - That's true, I see people, like scruffy looking people give a homeless guy a dollar and the guy in the suit doesn't. - Exactly. - Yeah. There's something about, I don't know. - By the way, you wear a suit, I had to wear a suit the other day for something. People treat you way different. - What would you do? - I did a, I did do something with a suit. What the hell is that doing? That's something with the wife. It wasn't comedy. It was like a-- - A dinner or something? - Yeah, it was like a dinner or something. She was dressed up, I was dressed up. How'd they treat you? - I mean, people were asking me for directions. People were like, like just talking to me, like, what do you do for a living, sir? And I was like, sir, oh my god, that's crazy. It was people treat you way differently if you wear a suit. - What do you do for a living? - Yeah, I had a guy in the subway like, hey, sir, what do you guys do? 'Cause we were both dressed up. Like, what do you guys up to? You guys do one of the opera? Yeah, it was interesting. - Yeah, that's what you do. - It was almost like, if they knew I never wear a suit, they could sense that it was weird. - I feel the way when I wear a suit. - Yeah. - It's pretty rare. And I feel like I'm getting luxed. I think it's in my head. I don't think it's real. Showed you a picture of a guy. Is this guy gay to you? (laughing) - Awesome suits. - Yeah, Broadway is funny too. You're like, that's why gay guys-- - Something to do with so much experience is so many experiences. They go out to eat, they go to concerts, they go to Broadway. - No kids. - They got no kids. - Some have kids. Some adopt, I guess, but it's like, yeah. Pay later. - It's close to something. - Yeah, it's close. It's right there. Every comic I tell this to, they go, "Oh, yeah." But then we can't, we don't get anywhere. Hmm. Yeah, kids are free. Just fascinating to me that the most important thing in your life was free to make. You got it for free. Maybe even an accident. Yeah, some guys, they love their Mercedes-Benz. They wash it every day. They change the oil, do all this shit. They paid 80 grand for this thing. But the kid, you like even more than that, and it was free. - Yeah. - It feels off. In the words of Carl and this something off here. But I don't know what I'm trying to say. - You should like a kid more than a Mercedes, you know? - You should, yeah. What I'm just saying, one is. - Like the things are right, but the fucking car, dude. (laughing) - So cool. I mean, most of the thing, like, you know, a lot of people just fuck to fuck. - Yeah. - That's true. - Then you spend all this money to like, you know, condoms aren't cheap. More NAFTA-PILLAIN cheap. - Abortion, couple hundred bucks. - Yeah. - Couple hundred. Where are you going? - 200. - Do you say 800? - Yeah, that's not a couple hundred. - All right. - 800. - Yeah, abortion is 800 dollars. - They were four back when I was banging. (laughing) I made a lot of abortions. (laughing) They were four in New York, by the way. That was 2013, 2014. - This is such a funny image, you're like, "Oh, I'm not bad." (laughing) - Good stuff. - It's also funny that abortions go up. Like, what is this? - Right. - The market? You know, like, are we getting rid of more kids? - Yeah. - I guess everything has to go up. So that means in the 50s, when they like, look at up. - Look at up. - Look at up. - I think they were illegal in the 50s. - That's true. - If you knew someone though, you know. - You go to a doctor or a Puerto Rico's or something. - Right, right. - People, you knew someone you knew. - I bet they charged a lot, because they're like, you need me, you know? This is illegal, and I'm saving your life. - Yeah, what's the deal? Like, what year did it become? - I think in the 60s, right? - Yeah, 70s, right, yeah. In 1950s, underground illegal abortions, typically cost 100 to 500, equivalent to a thousand to 5,000 today. - That's what I'm saying. 'Cause they got you by the balls. - They literally got you. - Oh yeah. - Back alley abortions, yeah. - They got you by the womb. - Back alley sounds rough. - Yeah. - 'Cause you picture a back alley. - Yeah. - Not even an alley. - A back alley. - A back alley. - It is a back alley. Aren't they all back alley? - There's no front alley. (laughing) - There's no front alley. - 'Cause you got that. - Back alley, that's like full blown aids. - Right, right. - I mean, what is full blown aids? - He's talking to the abortion doctor. He's like trying to perform. And he's like, "Will you shut up?" (laughing) Jesus Christ, enough of the alley. It's my office. - What's up with the bowling alley? (laughing) - Don't get me started on. Christy alley. (laughing) - So you got knee peeps? I know you're cooking up some peeps, Mark. - No, I got shit. - I had two peeps on the way here and I go, "I will remember 'em and I forgot." - I might have another. - Maybe they'll jar something. - You know remember, have another peeve. - By the way, shout out to a rental car. I always bitch about rental car. Sixth, S-I-X-T. Best rental car company. - Never heard any of these companies. - Really pull them up. You've seen this a little ago. - I do, they're great. - They're great. - They're a little bit more money, but I scanned a QR code and handed me a key. - What? - No line, no bullshit. - No line. - Yeah. Whoops, yeah, that's them. - I mean, the car's nice. - And you get a nice car. - 30% less than hurts and all that stuff. This is not an ad. I just happened to use it too. - Yeah, I got a beamer in Florida. I was zipping around. I felt like a bad ass. - Damn. - Yeah, it was nice. - Get a beamer in New York. - That's true. But it's vintage. - I got a peeve for you. - Okay. - Companies that give you a really long window. Like cable companies. - Oh, sure. - Like we'll be there one to five, like one to five. Like, I know the second I put my ass in the toilet seat. They're gonna hit the doorbell. - Exactly. - I know the second I take it, I'm like, oh, 100%. - Who's 37? I should have known. - Yes, yes. - So annoying. - What was that thing we had at the diner? I was like, this is a Larry David moment. - Oh, I think it was, you talk about if you go to the airport or you're at a party and you're charging your phone. This one? - Yes. - All right, you're going to airport and charging your phone and you have to walk away from it. And you come back and someone else is charging their phone. - With your phone stacked on top of each other. - Yes. This I hate. - That's a fight, that's fight words, I think. That's not like, that's in a sane move. - That's stealing. But then they always go, well, what are you at? And you go, oh, I was here first. - That's my art. - And that's the story of America. - Yeah. (laughs) Sorry, Indians. But yeah, that's fight words. I mean, that's stealing. You're stealing my outlet. - That's, I've never heard of that, that's crazy. - That's crazy. - To get yourself one of those little charge packs. - I have one, yeah. - Something handy on the rug. The girl's, the girlfriend's battery's always dead. - Same with mine. - Always dead. - My wife always, she's in the red. All the time, like, how do you live like this? - It's crazy. - And then we'll go to bars. She's like, can you charge this? Like, now you gotta give it to every bartender and every waitress. - That is, it is a girl move. - That is a girl move. - She'll do it with the Uber. - I'll let the phone die. (laughs) - That's true. - It is such a girl move to be like, excuse me. - Yeah, you know what else is a girl move that I could never do? This is a drunk girl move. Single days, you get in the Uber and they're like, excuse me, Muhammad, can I use your ox cord? And then they put on fucking Ariana Grande and it's like, booty, booty, booty, booty. (laughs) I can't believe you had the balls at this guy for his ox cord and now you're playing your music in his camera. - The only time I ever did the control of the radio and the cab is when I was shit face. - Exactly. - The only time I'd be like, okay, can we get some good fucking tunes on? (laughs) [BLANK_AUDIO] - I know what this thing, ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! - That's not for that shit! - Lots of strokes! - This is America. - Oh! - See, I'm you're drunk in at Uber, you have the Oxford. What are you playing? - Um, on my phone? - Yeah. - I got a killer pre-show playlist. I'll send it to you. - Ooh! - It's every mood goes high, goes low, it's got a country rap. Rock. - Wow! - It's got every, I got fucking make-em-lap on there. - Oh, I love it. - 'Cause I need a good vibe song. - Yeah! - Yeah, so I got oldies, I got new stuff, it's great. So, every city I go to, they go, "Who's list is this?" And I always end up sending it to the people. - Yeah. - It's a good playlist. - It's a shit list. - No, shit. - Shit list list, let's go. - Shit list playlist. - I'm not shit list. (laughing) - I was worried, you were like, "When I get to the drunk, "and I get to the camp, I put on my playlist." It's, "Hallelujah" and it's under Cohen. - That's what I get dumped. - Give me that fucking ox cord, dude. Put on "Don't Think Twice" by Bob Dylan. - Don't think twice, it's all right. - Put on some town's van's sands. - Woo, wee! All right, what an app, what an app. - What a banger. - All right. - Do you have a peeve, where we go? - I'll save, I'll save. - That phone charger, that is a peeve of the ear. And the stacking on your phone is like, insult to injury. - Totally. - Crazy. Crazy talk. All right, where are you gonna be? Are you doing some clubs, huh? - Yeah, I just added something on my site. Yeah, but yeah, for now, let's go with Brian Improv, what is that, the 21st, the 23rd of August, then I got Liz bin. Can you make it a little bigger than my eyes? It Athens, Greece. So, and well, they're Budapest, Zagreb, Vienna, Warsaw. I added a second show. There's all September. Helsinki, never been. Can't wait, Stockholm. Copenhagen, then I just added Nashville, Zanies, September 18th and 19th, can't wait. And then San Diego, September 24th through 26, Acme, and that end of that month, my fucking special drop. So, you better be ready for that one. I just added, yeah, we have something, should be on sale by the time this comes out. I'll add something, November 12th, but we just added the improv in Pittsburgh, November 19th through 21st, hilarities and Cleveland, December 3rd through 5th, Madison, comedy club on state, December 10th through 12th, and the boobies in Baltimore, December 17th through 19th. Can't wait for all these. I'm gonna have to cook up some new shit, but I'm working on it. Oh yeah, there we go. I'm at the Houston improv. That's a big room, so we'd love to have you. Zanies in Nashville. We added the show, Pittsburgh improv. Hello, Yianza's Casino Regina. Two shows, gets them every time. - Every time. - Calgary. Come on out to that, that's a hot room. Club Regent event center at Winnipeg. All right, I assume that's a Casino and Acme in Minneapolis. And this might go with the movie, so we'll see, but Denver, comedy works and comedy on state. - Bangers. - Bangers in a row, huh? - Damn, that is like, that's all top five. - Yeah, Portland, Helium, we'll see you with the movie, but yeah, we'd love to have you. Then I'm doing two quick ones at Cap City in Austin. Tropicana, Palazzo in Vegas, Charlotte, Yada, Yada. Come on out, mothership, and Fox Woods. And there you go. Thank you, fuck, it's a bodega cat. - Get some bodega cat Whiskey, bodega cat Whiskey.com, bodega cat Whiskey on Instagram, DM, we're making a lot of moves at these places. Oh, and you know what? We forgot to do this. We want to get into the electrolyte powder game. So if anyone knows how to do this, please hit us up. We want it to be a companion, bodega cat electrolytes powder. - Yes. - You know, cool flavors. Healthy too, want to be healthy. - Yeah, you get drunk. - So hang over cure. - Then night before you have the packet. - We want the package deal. - We want a bodega, yeah, it's good for the gym, good for your hangover. - Yes. - Sorry, Matt. I was gonna raise a glass, too. I don't know if we mentioned it on the other ones. Mark's having another baby. - Mark and May are pregnant. - Yeah, thanks, thanks. - I didn't want to break it up on the show. It's too schmaltzy. But yeah, another baby coming out in Christmas. - Coming out. - Coming out. - I don't want to do it to you. - Hey. - Hey, good job. - Yeah, two boys. - That's huge. - Yeah, by the way, no one is more misogynist on the planet is when you, and men and women, by the way. They go, what do you have when I go, boy? They go, oh, thank God. (laughing) - Every single person. Maybe that can be a bit. - Coming out. - Coming out. - All right. - All right. - Mark, see you guys all. - Don't be guys off. - Don't be guys off. - On his baby. (laughing) ♪ Don't be mad ♪ ♪ If I'd mix for it ♪ ♪ You're there ♪ ♪ Don't be mad ♪ ♪ It was the best we ever had ♪ ♪ Don't be mad ♪ ♪ We might be drunk ♪ ♪ Don't be mad ♪ ♪ If I'd mix for it, you're there ♪ ♪ Don't be mad ♪ ♪ When we found it, it was there ♪ ♪ Don't be mad ♪ ♪ We might be drunk ♪