Salacious Crumb's A Sucker For Pranks | Vile And Horrendous Episode 11 | Joe DeRosa

Did you guys know that, you know, these, I thought the ingredients of Doritos were way worse. They're not that bad. Did you know that? What do you mean? I mean they're not that bad. Exactly what I said. Can you pronounce them? There's only one on here that I can't pronounce. It's mostly like, you know, it's whey protein and, you know, buttermilk and Romano cheese and sugar, garlic powder. There's only disodium something with a G. I can't read that. There's two disodiums. Those are the only, I think that's how you say it. Those are the only ones that look weird. Everything else is surprisingly like, you know, there's some artificial colors, but I thought it was going to be way worse. I thought there was going to be like 10 things you couldn't pronounce. Who knew? Is there any Red 40 in there? Who? Red 40. Red 40. Oh, yeah. Is that bad? Supposedly. Couldn't they ban it in some states? Who knows? It's going to be banned in the whole country, actually. Red 40. Enjoy it while you can, I guess. Cripshit. Red 40 is a cool name. That'd be a good band name. Hey! Welcome to Vile and Horrendous. I'm your host, the Vile Horrendous, Joe DeRosa, back again. Episode 10. That rhymes. Well, folks, you know, we're here. We're doing it. We're still doing it. I don't know why we're still doing it. Not that I don't love doing it. I like the show. I like the people. I like the network. When I say I don't know why we're doing it, what I mean is because a girl farting in an elevator on Instagram gets, she's got more followers than I'm ever going to have. I don't really understand how this game is played anymore. I don't know if anybody does, but, I mean, literally, there's girls on Instagram where all they do is fart. And they're, I believe, making a living from it. You know, you used to have to, I remember when you had to do something with your farts. You couldn't just fart. You had to fart on somebody or do some kind of prank with your fart. Now you just fart. You just, I mean. And here's the funny part. There are people out there that when they hear me say that are going to go, Okay, boomer. That's their definition of boomer now. I don't understand how people that just fart are making more of a living than a team of people producing a full show. Okay, boomer. All right. But you know what? Let me say something positive about the internet because I always say negative stuff. Do you know what I love? Oh, God. I can't get enough of this. I love the channel. I think it's called Couples Being Awesome. Or the account Couples Being Awesome. I love videos of couples playing pranks on each other. Mainly couples that scare each other repeatedly. I love it so much. It makes me feel like I'm in a movie. It makes me want to be in a relationship for that reason. I want to be in a relationship so I get to scare somebody every single day. It's so endearing. Or they scare me. It's so endearing. I really mean this. I really mean this. It is one of the most simplistic, boiled down, beautiful, true moments where you can see a connection. between two people. You'll see a couple, one of them plays a prank on the other. After the initial start of the prank, they realize what's happening. And then they both start laughing hysterically. And you see, this is their bond. Like this is not the prank itself, but you see the bond in them. It's just on full display. It's beautiful. It's so beautiful. And I know it's a weird thing to say, I want to have a girlfriend so I can scare the shit out of her every day. But I do. I do. Those are my vows. Do you take this woman and want to scare the shit out of her every day? I do, your honor. Because I'm only going to get married in a courthouse. God, wouldn't that be nice? I watched a video the other day. The girl was like in the passenger seat. She had her seatbelt on. She was like bent out the door, trying to pick something up off the ground. The guy just undid her seatbelt, just fell out of the car. Almost killed herself. She got up. She's like laughing hysterically. He's cracking up. The phone is shaking because he's laughing so hard. It's like, it's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. I mean, because that's the kind of shit me and my best friends would do to each other. We would get like super drunk and hit each other in the head with textbooks. Slap each other in the face when the guy wasn't looking. You know, shit like that. And you initially get so mad and then you start laughing. It was like a bond. I want to be clear. I don't want to slap somebody. Not my girlfriend. That one I don't want to do. I'm just saying the idea of you doing a dumbass thing to somebody you care about and then the two of you laughing so hard. It's the strongest bond in the world. My friend Scott and I did it for years. We used to do the slap game. And the whole thing was, could you slap somebody? You slap the guy in the face when he's not expecting it. As hard as you could. And it was so hard and it hurt so bad. And then you were just, you immediately got a wave of elation and joy and you were laughing hysterically. It's a beautiful thing. To prank those you love is a beautiful thing. More of us should be doing it. Instagram, I thank you for bringing me these accounts and the creators and curators of these accounts. I thank you for bringing me these videos. To give me hope that there is love and joy and humanity still in this world worth looking for. I think it's beautiful. A rare positive note here on the Violent Horrendous Podcast. But enough of that. Let's get into Moron Morons. I went to a club the other night. A dance club, a nightclub. What are they called? Disco? What are they called now? Are they called dance clubs still? Nightclub? Dance club. Like a DJ dance club. You know what I mean? I went to a place where there was a DJ. And it was super loud. As always, super loud. Nobody is talking. I was in the place because you're not able to. And it costs like $18 for a rum and coke. In other words, I went to the worst place on planet fucking earth. And I, let me be clear. I did not go on purpose. My friend suggested we go and I was unfamiliar with the venue he was suggesting. So I said, sure. And then we got there and I was like, fuck. That's the only way I ever end up at a club. Ever. Deceit and trickery, all right. When I end up at a club, it feels like the way your dog feels when he ends up at the vet. You know, I'm just like, I thought we were going for a ride in the car. What is this shit? That's how I feel. So here's the thing. I'm 48 years old, soon to be 49. I am very aware these places are not designed for me. They're not designed for me. They're designed for people much older than me and much younger than me. Younger because this is young people shit. Older because 68-year-old guys creeping on young chicks. That's who you see in these places, all right. I realize that. These places are not designed for me for many reasons. For starters, for starters, as an alcoholic, I cannot stand long lines at a bar that lead to overpriced drinks. Waiting forever to overpay for your drinks at 23 is chic and it's cool. At 49, you are just getting in the way of work that needs to be done, all right. It's like keeping a construction worker's tools on the roof of the building when he's got to work down on the first floor and he's just like, you want me to get this done today or not, all right. This is just going to take way longer now. That's how it feels to me. And after the drink issue, which is my, ooh, that's an issue, there's the volume of the music, which again, which again, I get it, that's on me, I realize that. not just an age thing with me because I have friends my age that don't have this problem, but the volume is a problem for me in particular because, look, anytime I'm anywhere and there's competing noise, I can't hear a goddamn thing. It's pathetic. I can barely have a conversation in like a Dave & Buster's, let alone a dance club, okay? If you ever see me trying to talk to somebody in a loud environment, I look like a fucking asshole. I literally have to hold my ear like this and lean in with my ear to their mouth like this while they scream in my ear. Like, I'm like this and they're like, I said yellow! And I'm still like, orange? What? Orange you said? Like, it's crazy. It's crazy. You know where I'd be fucked? At war. I'd never be able to talk in a foxhole. Do they still have those? I'm sure they do. Do they still do that, the foxhole thing, or is it just drones and missile strikes? If we have any soldiers in our audience, please let us know. Are foxholes still a thing? I'm curious. And if they are, never put me in one. I'd be a problem for sure. The sergeant or whoever the lead guy, I don't know what they call him, is. Captain, sergeant, he'd be like, "On my signal, we move north!" And I'd be like, "Figure it out." Philadelphia is nice! I grew up there! Anyway, all right. Let's get back to the club. The club. Out of all the stuff I dislike about the club, the DJ is at the top of my list. The DJ is at the top of my list. Now, I need to be clear here. I'm talking only about mainstream nightclub DJs. Folks, as the weather warms up, the time to stop letting excuses stand in the way of reaching your goals is now with Factor Meals. A busy schedule doesn't have to stand in the way of you and that sweet summer bod. 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Bye. lot of people like that are younger that are like this is so fucking annoying or like what are they doing like they just don't get it i don't even like how scratching sounds like i'll be honest like if somebody's like scratching and while i'm listening it's like it's ruining the song for me and i'd rather sing along to the words okay that's great to hear that yeah it's interesting it's yeah this like scratching for example or like a james hype type dj where he's looping and like doing doing his pads over and over like looping the same thing it's taken away from the song for me and that's my personal opinion yeah james hype has more fans than me so he can do his own thing yeah but there's a lot of people that agree with you yeah that's my take on it do you think all right so this clip pissed off a lot of people online especially those of us who know modern dj start modern djing excuse me started in hip-hop with you know scratching looping that's what that's how it started but i did a little digging and by that i mean i read the caption on the clip and lo and behold show the dj caption uh i used to do a lot more now i don't think anyone cares or wants to it has been that way for a long time oh yeah this guy must be an expert cool to be able to do it sure but not necessary anymore he must know what he's talking about people i think feel this way generally we want to hear the song at least at weddings it's a fucking wedding dj wedding dj good point sir yes at a wedding nobody wants a guy cutting records with his teeth yes you're right did you figure that out did you figure that out that they're not doing the fucking the fucking one one two two three three three three three to a bunch of fucking 80 and 70 and 60 and 50 year olds at a fucking wedding anyway jesus christ fucking idiot i'm not talking about hip-hop djs i'm not even talking about wedding djs wedding djs you're fine i'm not talking about djs who cater to a specific genre or or party style or event style i'm not talking about djs that wear mouse heads and robot helmets i'm not talking about hardcore edm djs that spin terrifying techno music while people grind their teeth and do nasal spray ketamine i'm not talking about djs that wear mouse heads and robot helmets side note if everybody at a club is going to be on ketamine which is every club now start handing out night guards at the door okay start handing these out please at the door i wear one at night not for ketamine i grind my teeth from anxiety because i'm a pussy uh all right i'm digressing let's get back to it people i only have an issue with maine stream cookie cutter club djs who these days are mostly comprised of ex-reality tv stars retired athletes and paris hilton uh and to be fair i don't even know if i really have a problem with the djs or just the people that like them because here's the question to the people that like them what is it you like what is it you like the worst remix version ever of a song that wasn't that great to begin with is that your thing what is it you like how the dj makes it sound like the music goes briefly underwater every 10 minutes what is it you like getting super excited that one of your favorite songs comes on and hearing one verse before they mix it into a song you don't like as much what is it you like hearing theme songs from sitcoms that went off the air what is it you like a dj that doesn't scratch or cut or genre focus but they do this is that it is that what you're there for this is the big spectacle that's what you're there of course not of course you're not at the club for that you're at the club for a good time are you having one doesn't look like it because most of you aren't even dancing probably because you're stuck in the goddamn line waiting for a drink all night here's the point it's all just soulless and bland and milquetoast there's zero edge or true energy to any of it and that's my problem with the anti-scratching instagram guy okay djing at its best by people that take it seriously is a marveling skill it is an artform it is a master of musical manipulation controlling the energy of an entire room of people and if they do their job well leaving those people feeling invigorated and exhausted from elation exhausted from elation a cast member of f boy island playing stairway to heaven over a drum loop while all you can think about is getting back to the line so you can have another drink 22 minutes from now and you're like oh my god i'm so tired i'm so tired i'm so tired now that's not elating it's not invigorating it's boring and that's the last thing a night out at the club should be, is fucking boring. All right, let's move on to the fire, the fire, the flight log. Here we go, folks. Continuing thematically from the flight log of last episode. This is a more humorous story, but it's in the same vein, and you'll see what I'm talking about. Chaos erupts on American Airlines flight as unruly passenger allegedly bites a fellow traveler mid-air. Now, I've already read this story. What happened was, and you might be able to scroll down, and we can show some of the highlights in this thing, but actually, just at the top there, that kind of says it all. An American Airlines flight descended into chaos Sunday morning after a passenger was accused of biting another passenger. traveler and attempting to fight others on board. So this is mid-flight, this is happening. The frantic incident erupted as flight 3046 approached Philadelphia International Airport, good old hometown, after departing from Charlotte, North Carolina. An audio recording reviewed by Fox News Digital captured the pilot alerting air traffic control about the escalating situation involving the unruly passenger. Okay, can you scroll down to where it's got the actual quotes? Here it is. He's just been a passenger, he's trying to fight everybody. That's so Philly. That's so Philly. A guy trying to fight everybody. The pilot said in the recording, scroll down, because there's a few more quotes, I think, from the pilot. Pilot said he was unsure what triggered the incident, but suggested the passenger may have been experiencing a mental health crisis. Telling controllers that law enforcement may be needed just as a precaution to assist EMTs. You think so? You think you might need some law enforcement when you get on the ground? The guy that's biting and trying to fight the entire plane. Can you pass along we need EMTs as well as law enforcement? I don't know if he's hallucinating, he added. In this fucking day and age, you don't know. In the '70s, you would have said this guy must be hallucinating. These days, you might just go, that's just Fred doing his thing. Medical personnel met American Airlines flight 3046 at the gate for a customer experiencing the medical emergency, the airline said. We appreciate the actions of our team members and medical professional on board who assisted the customer as the flight arrived safely. Who assisted the customer? Not the other customers that almost got bit or almost punched. They assisted this guy. That's a great way to put, they held him to the ground, and whether they did or not, who the hell knows, because guess what wasn't on this plane? Security. There's no mention in the entire story of security intervening. That's alarming. That's alarming, okay? That's alarming, and that brings us to my point of all this, okay? You can close this. Airlines used to have security, okay? They used to have undercover airline enforcement, like law enforcement. Thank you. But also, the thing I take more issue with is, like, you say I would have done something. Like, just get the fuck out of the store, dude. Just, it's not your problem. You know, as the police say, don't get involved. That's my advice on that one. Not that this is an advice segment, but that's just my advice. All right. Let's go with involuntary cuck. This is titled. And it comes from an anonymous. Is this the guy that I hate? Psycho stench? No. Okay. He did send another story, though. I didn't correct this time, but maybe another time. You know, it's just too much. Involuntary cuck. Hello, violent horrendous. About six months ago, me and my girlfriend of 15 years moved into a home after living in an apartment for about 14 and a half years. One day, actually a day before our 15th anniversary. Everything's 15 in this thing. On May 5th, my lady thought I was asleep and she was in the brand new backyard speaking to another man over the phone and telling him what a loser I am and I'm already asleep and now she is going to go over there and sit on it and he's going to suck her nipples until they melt like chocolate. Oh, my God. Missed that sweet talk, huh? Yeah. What was she on? Speakerphone? What is she? A fucking. Idiot? Or is she just repeating everything after the guy says it like you have to do in an interview where the reporter asks a question? Can you say the question in your answer? I waited until the conversation was over and at the end before she hung up, she said I love you to him. I immediately walked outside and told her she got to go. It has been a devastating experience. Yeah, absolutely, man. To add to it, the guy is someone I know who I became fast friends with and he made dinner for him and us. I lent him money. Wait, hold on. Sorry, let me read that again. The guy is someone we became fast friends with and had made dinner for him. Oh, you made dinner for him and us. You lent him money. All in all, I was a really nice guy to this guy. Okay, that sucks. You extended goodwill and he took advantage. Now, I know that makes me an involuntary cuck. But if that doesn't qualify as pig behavior, what I heard, then I don't know what. I think he meant from what I've heard. Whatever. I don't mean to correct your grammar. I'm not trying to kick you while you're down here, brother. I would like to remain anonymous because of how painful and embarrassing this is, but it seemed fit and right. It seemed to fit right into this category. Yeah, no, man, that's, well, nothing funny about that. That's just sad. I feel for you, dude. I won't even crumble up your paper. You've been through enough. Yeah, involuntary cuck. I mean, look, you're not a cuck, dude. Your wife, you got cheated on. You know, this thing with cuck, it's too prevalent, all right? It's too prevalent. It's, it's, cuck is, is, is, has negative connotations and you do not need to apply any negative connotations to yourself. Your girl cheated on you. She was deceitful. This guy you were friends with cheated with your girl. He was deceitful. You don't need to call yourself a cuck. You're not a fucking cuck, dude. You're a person that got betrayed. That is the difference. The reason they call a cuck a cuck is because a cuck likes being cucked. You see what I'm saying? Most of the time. Or you allow yourself to be cucked and that was what makes you the cuck. You are not that, dude. You are somebody that got put in a bad position. You reacted immediately, took action, took the right action. You told her to get the fuck out. And that was it. I think you're the opposite of the cuck. I think you are an upstanding human being that did what he had to do for himself in that moment. And I salute you, sir. I salute you. We have a segment on this show called We Salute You. Let's throw up the graphic right now for the kid. We salute you. You did what you had to do. You are a grown man. You did nothing wrong. You are not a cuck. All right. Let's do one more of these real quick, okay? Everybody's excited. That's my towel. Comes to us from Ron. First time writer, long time listener. I was at Barton Springs, okay, down here in Austin. One morning, try out to try out the cold plunge. I'm not a cold plunge guy, but the pool was free. Friend suggested a great way to start your day. After the plunge, I was in there in the open air shower, which is a little intimidating, especially after a cold plunge. That means his dick was tiny. So I stripped down to my birthday suit and took advantage of the warm water. I walked out of the shower and feeling fantastic. It was only 10 a.m. I was walking with a strut to my step when a middle-aged Asian man standing outside the shower as a tourist stopped me. I quote the conversation below. Man, can I ask you a question? You bring that towel or you find it in there? Me, taking it back. Yes, I brought this towel years ago. I bought this towel years ago. Man. Oh, I left my towel in there. Me. Okay, this exact towel? Man, staring through my soul. Yes. Me, getting agitated. Yeah, no, I brought this towel. I've had it for years. This is my towel. The man ruined my day. I stood at the entrance thinking about going back in the spring and doing the whole plunge over again. I was pissed for the next five hours. Throughout the day, I would think about it randomly and get mad all over again. Buddy, you got to get over these. Towels, man. I hear you. It's annoying when somebody's like kind of accusing you of something and you didn't do it. And then they're not listening to you and insisting. But I mean, it's a towel. Just be like, have the towel. I can't believe you got a time stamp on when you bought the towel. I haven't been back to the spring since. You got to let this go, dude. Not sure if this is pig talk, but thanks for letting me share. Of course, Ron. Yeah, the guy's annoying and that's irritating, but let it go. Ron, here's what I want you to do. I want you to go get that towel. I want you to walk to the trash can. I want you to throw it away right now. Part ways with that towel. The way a kid parts ways with his blankie when he gets too old. Get rid of that towel and you go down to Barton Springs this week and you start fresh, my man. All right? Do that for yourself. That's it. I thought I had another thing to say. Did you see the part where it was a Scooby-Doo towel? No, I skipped it. I had my Scooby-Doo towel I've owned since college wrapped around me. Wow, that's important. I just skipped over that part. Ron, how old are you? I think this is a kid pretending to be a grown-up messaging us. Ron, throw the Scooby-Doo towel in the goddamn trash. All right? I want you to go to. Wow, they're closed. I was going to say, I was going to say bed, bath, and be like, go to Macy's. I don't know. Just go somewhere and get some grown-up towels. Ron, past 21, you're not allowed to have towels with graphics and prints on them anymore. That's just a thing. All right, folks. That is our show. Thank you for listening. Please subscribe to us. You can find us at Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube and that's where you can find me on Instagram. What is the Instagram for the pod? ViolinHorrendousPod? Just ViolinHorrendous. ViolinHorrendous on Instagram. Follow us on there. Like, subscribe, all that stuff. Go to Joe DeRosa. Go to JoeDeRosa.com for my upcoming shows. We got Joke World Comedy Festival in August, Comedy Mothership in October, Skank Fest, and the Burt Kreischer Fully Loaded Cruise in November. And as always, we leave you with the crumbling psyche of a particular group of people in this great country of ours. It's white women's! I know I'm the blueprint lately. I've been gonna throw it. You know I'm the truest. You can bet on me. I'll. ♪ Let's lift it up, let's put it down. Let's run this game on the whole damn town. Yeah. Let's lift it up. Yeah. Let's put it down. Yeah. Take it if you got it. Let's put it down. Yeah.