Sal Vulcano

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Leave a comment down below for the Al Go Rhythm. I'm jumping around the country, doing some new material. I was out in San Francisco, loved it. Now I'm in Brea. Tonight and tomorrow, Friday, Saturday, I'm in Brea, California. Come see me. Then I go to Tempe, my old ASU stomping grounds. Then I do a bunch of casinos. I'm in Hammond, Indiana, right before Thanksgiving. And then in the new year, I am all over the map. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. andrewsantino.com In here, we pour whiskey. Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that from my guest's meeting once again today. It's Sal Vocano. Sal showed up with a good friend, an old friend. He gets out of his car, and he hits my car as hard as he can. And I'm on the phone with my niece, and she's a sweet girl. You're on the phone with your niece because you looked upset. I was upset at that. No, you looked all right. When you opened the door before your car was hit, you looked perturbed. You know why? Have you ever talked? You have nieces? Yeah. Because they're cool, and they're young, and you're an old loser. Yeah. And so you're like, I'm listening intently because I want to pay attention and absorb what she's saying. When I listen to adults, I'm not listening to almost anything that they're saying. Okay. I'm passing time. Oh, so that look I saw on your face was intent. Well, I was focused. Intent. Intent, yeah. Attentive. Attentive. Because when I'm talking to an adult like this right now, I will not remember any of this conversation. When I go home, not a word you'll have said will matter to me. Yeah. But my niece, I've absorbed every single thing she said. It was a furrowed brow. It looked like you had some concerns, or you were annoyed. No, I was confused. Okay. Because I'm not a smart person, and she was telling me a lot of information. Okay. And so my brain is working OT. Okay. It's going to town up there. All right. All right. And I'm just kind of storing this away and slotting it in places. Well, your brain should tell your face when you're confused or annoyed. These two things aren't connected anymore. Because they're conflating now. After the accident, I can't. Okay. Like, look, tell me an emotion. After the accident, when he hit your car? When he hit my car, yeah. All right, yeah. Tell me an emotion. See if I can show it on my face. Okay. You are surprised. Yeah. Give me another one. Delighted. Okay. One more. You're filled with hate. Yeah, I see. So I'm working on it, but my face just is not. There's something missing. Yeah, there's something there. And I'm not an actor. You're an actor. No, I mean, you're not an actor? You know what I fall asleep to in every hotel across the United States of America? Impractical Jokers. Impractical Jokers. You think I'm kidding? Every hotel I stay in. Are you serious? Well, it's on the TV. It is. And it's one of six channels, and I'm watching it. It's out of Mario Lopez. I can't watch Mario anymore. I know. He's got too buff. I turn on the TV initially, so he's already in the pole position on the television, right? Yeah, he is. You turn it on, and you hear his voice, and I'm unpacking and stuff. And I give Mario Lopez. I got maybe like a six, seven-minute countdown clock before I realize he's been talking for six, seven minutes, and my blood starts to boil. And it's nothing against Mr. Lopez, but it's like it loops. It's like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And he's like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I'm like, and you know what I realized recently? It definitely sounds like you're making fun of him. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Mr. Lopez. No, no. We're not making fun of you. No, no. Because have you seen how strong he boxes every morning? He's very strong. See, you broke the mic. See? Oh, that's Lopez. Yeah, this is- That's the ghost of Lopez. This is the ghost of Lopez. He'll do that. It's the Go-Pez. It's the Go-Pez. No, I met him. I spent a Mardi Gras with that man. No way. I swear to Christ. Give it. Well, there's going to be some names involved. You're allowed. All right. Because I don't, you know, I'm not a guy that really mentions names a lot. Harry Connick Jr., who's like the head of New Orleans. Is he? Well, the Mardi Gras, he runs the biggest, he's in the final, have you ever done it? Mardi Gras? Yeah. No, no, no. I never have in my life, but I did it this way. I would never. Yeah, I didn't go for like the titties and the boobs. I went for like, you know, the companionship and the delight. And the beads. You do love the beads. The beads are still fun. I didn't see boobs, but I had plenty of beads. So he has, there's a lot of different parades, and he has the final parade. It's the biggest parade, and he's the captain of that parade. And it's a, it is a big to-do. And so he invited us down there, and he set us up with our own float. I had my own float, my own beads, and everything like that. I love Harry so much. He's a dear person to me. And Mario Lopez was also there for that. He wasn't on my float. He was not on your float. Did he have his own float? He, I don't know if he had his own float. Maybe. I feel like Mario gets his own float. He might have been on a float, but I had my own float. Whoa. So this is two shots at Lopez so far. This is. Yeah, I hear you shooting. He doesn't know, but you are. I actually wear, I have a t-shirt with his face on it, but it's the Slayer logo. Oh, yeah, Slayer, yeah. But it says Slater. Oh, that's funny. Instead. Yeah, so, and I sleep with that. So I actually, ironically, go to the hotel, turn his voice on, then put his shirt on my face, and I go to slumber. What do you really go to bed in? What? What do you really wear to bed? I wear to bed, I wear pajama pants and a t-shirt. You wear pants? Or pajama shorts. But I only have one pair of pajama shorts, but I have like five pairs of pajama pants. And always a shirt. Yeah. Comment down below if you're a pajama pant t-shirt guy, or if you're just in the underwear. I'm always just in underwear. I've done years. You run cold? Years I did with just boxers, but I really like the comfort and the feeling of just a nice- You don't get too hot at night? I regulate that by blanket on and blanket off. See, I don't need a blanket on and blanket off. I want to lay once and goodbye. But what if you have to adjust your temperature? Like, what if you're- No, I don't. What if you're under the covers and you feel a little warm? You don't. Or if you're not under the covers and you feel a little chill. I'm always under the covers. And I get a cover that's thin enough that regulates my temperature, so I don't have to do it. So you don't adjust your temperature, your personal body temperature at all. No, not at all throughout the night at all. I crank it to the set temperature that I need it to be. I place a thing in between my wife and I because I need distance. Yeah, you can't. I can't touch. It's insane. And once I've got it set- This is what my wife does to me now. She used to be- This was when I used to wake up on the edge of the bed with her right on my back. And I'd be, babe, I love you, but I'm going to fall off. I just need a couple inches. Just a couple inches. But I liked it. I like a contact. Now, after we had our first child, she's telling me about- She's had overstimulation to the point where when she sleeps, she doesn't even want to touch. Like, can we touch heels or something like that? Like, you know, just something. She doesn't want any part of it. And she puts a pillow there too sometimes. I divide. We have a split king with the- So it's crack already there. There's a natural- Those are two doubles in there too. There's a natural equator. That's two twins, right, put together? Yeah, two twins put together. Yeah. Yeah, so. And I say to her sometimes, you know, I'm out all day. I'd really love to have some type of contact with you. And when we go to sleep, it's nice to feel your leg. My leg feels your leg. And she can't give it to me. Yeah. She just says- I'm on her team. You don't understand. I'm so overstimulated. I won't be able to sleep if- Because the kids are hanging on her all day and this and that. She's taking care of a family. And you're out flandering on television pretending to be something that you're not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I have needs, you know. I'd like to feel a little bit nurtured. But you don't deserve it. You're just another man. Yeah. There's a lot of you, bud. She is an entity. She's a being. She's superior. She's done more for this world than you'll ever do. And so what she- She needs matters. And yours have gone, buddy. If you needed something, you should have gotten that before you got married and had a family. Well, let me take you back just a couple of seconds to something you said. I'm a man. Well, the internet would disagree. You hear this, internet? No, but I will. But that is the thing you learn as you get older. Whatever they need is more important than you. I understand that. And tremendously so. I acquiesce. You must. As you must. You bow and you say, may I? Yeah. May I X, Y, Z? And she may. And she may say no. And that's perfectly fine. And guess what happens, too? Almost on the daily if I'm home, I get asked at the end of the evening if I can give her a foot rub. And guess what I do? You rub her feet. I do. Yeah. Yeah. That's where I get my contact. And this is a sensitive subject for us because my wife has no feet. And she- But you can rub. Where does it end? You can't rub the nub. She doesn't like the nub rubbed. I asked her if she's like a nub rubbed. Well, then it's not on you. It's not on me. Well, it's not on her either. They're gone. Right. There's nothing on her. And she lost those in the- Say it. It was the- The war. The boating accident. The boating war. The boating- The boating war of 2012. Yeah. There was a big boat war here in Santa Monica. Many people do know. And she was one of the head captains. It was massive, though. They tried to keep it off the internet. Didn't they try to bury that? They tried to bury that. Well, Newsom was covering it up. Right. Nothing happened. Everything's fine. And you bronzed her feet, though. So then they're in the house. They're there. They're on the mantle. Yeah. Yeah. And we hang our little stockings from it with care. Yeah. As we do. I love this shirt, we talked about it before. you got on the show but Billy Billy what is a quince what is a quince what is a quince what is a quince where does that start with the letter Q that's like one of my what a great writing piece in that movie because they could have done anything goofy with the Jeopardy but they kind of did it the right way where it felt real real Jeopardy we tried to get her to be the narrator there was a we tried to get her to be the narrator for the Impractical Jokers movie and she said no we asked Patrick Stewart we were all over the map with it but Patrick Stewart that's awesome yeah who said yes um nobody Q narrated it in the end I think really or maybe all of us I honestly don't remember who narrated it but we did we did we did when I asked her now when you say you make her an offer or you just ask her through a rep before you make the money for me truly for me in this moment it's unclear because I don't remember but I knew that we were going for a narrator I knew we were like and she was a name we brought up and I think we asked her she's fantastic yeah how come you didn't ask me to be on your cruise what are you crazy how come you never asked me to be on the cruise I have asked you to be on the cruise you've never asked me roll it roll the tape roll the tape Eric wait I uh you know better than that I think I have asked you no you have you have I certainly have especially the very last one you have and I refuse you did but it's because of your wife's boating accident you have the boating accident it's just such a weird thing for us to get back on a boat you know what it really is you know we had amazing swag bags I have a massive phobia of cruises do you a hundred percent oh my claustrophobia with big crowds my claustrophobia I got it dude on land yeah at like a venue heartbeat fast I get nervous I don't really a lot of people get me really anxious so if I'm in the crowd large crowds claustrophobic if I'm in it oh yeah on stage is a different story you're performing but like when I'm in a when I'm around and about like at a festival or something I get anxious so if you get Lionel Richie seats let's just say floor seats general admission and you're in the middle of that no thank you Lionel but thank you though I can't do it you'd rather be dancing on the ceiling I am half the time come on guys come on no honestly it gives me tremendous anxiety and then being on a boat tight space out trapped at sea yeah with these people in the event that something bad goes down yeah it gets me nervous that's a real feeling though yeah 100% yeah like a plane is I can mitigate a plane only because I know those things are very have a high success rate cruises and boats my wife they go bad cruises go bad you tell me cruises don't have accidents you mean like what do you mean like stuff happens on the boat they lose power food people get sick oh I would take I mean as far as my comfort level I'm not a cruise person I've only taken cruises for my cruise but like but I hate flying you do oh every time every time I'm in a plane I'm like this is probably it no chance statistically there's no way what crashes more here we go he'll get it well this is kind of related but incidents like overboard passengers fires groundings and crimes occur annually with 448 major accidents recorded between 2005 and 2023 alone no but then you're talking about an accident of like one person but it affects it affects us all accidents affect us all but if a plane has an accident planes don't have any they don't they don't they don't they don't it doesn't happen you ever see some of these videos of these planes like the one from India that's the craziest the thing goes up and it's just like yeah no no I don't even want to talk about it because I have a red eye tomorrow night so you find out at LAX with the government shutdown you're gonna fly oh I gotta get home brother there's no control towers anymore they're gone you know that right there's nobody up there the pilots are guessing that's not true they are that's not true google it the government shutdown there's no control towers I know you and I know you do your bits but don't I'm flying tomorrow too I gotta fly out tomorrow and I'm a little I'm a little scared yeah well I fly out of Newark and they've been having problems for a long time now so I roll the dice but I love flying into Newark what's that I only go into Newark when I come when I come from the west coast I only go to Newark why well it's closer to get to the city okay I don't even understand this game of JFK unless you live in Brooklyn or Queens why am I if I'm going to the city yeah I didn't do anything to you well stop talking to me that way sorry okay if you're going to the city why would you fly I'm not your niece you're right you're not because I'm interested in what she has to say why would people who live in the city fly out there I can't speak for all of them right now but I'll speak for a couple of them you are Zohan Mamdani okay is that his name Mamdani what's his first name uh I wanted to say Zohan but then I Zoran I don't know he's your mayor Zoran Zoran no guys Zohran Zohran Zohran Mamdani so be him be a spokesperson for New York and the question is how come people that live in Manhattan are still flying into JFK and LaGuardia when Newark is significantly closer to get to well it depends on what part of geographically Manhattan you're talking about I don't know if that's necessarily true well not everybody lives downtown you do I do you do no I don't live downtown Zohran Mamdani sir you do live downtown well but not once I'm in the office then I'm gonna live in Gracie Mansion sure but you're not there now sir okay well but you're asking me to speak for the people for the people please not for myself and tell us why the increased rates of coming in and out of the city this congestion rates that you guys are raising again what is the purpose of this I didn't put those in place you sure did that's not no I didn't you want to raise them don't you I don't want to raise them no I don't think sir can you speak on some of these photographs that we have of you there with a harem of women out at a nightclub is that Puff Daddy with you in the background sir that is not Puff Daddy sir who is that that is P. Diddy 50 months 50 what 50 months P. Diddy got oh he did 50 months 5-0 5-0 50 months and they were asking for like nothing right like 14 months I can't remember what the plea deal was he could have gotten 11 years though and 50 months I'm doing quick math so he's going away for I'm sorry 50 weeks I apologize did I say it wrong no that's 50 weeks why wouldn't they just say no I think it's 50 weeks 50 weeks I don't know I said 50 oh no I'm sorry 50 months 50 months I don't know how much longer I could do it yeah oh 50 days 50 days I can't I don't know it's 4.16667 calendar years that's right just past the first quarter Q1 so it's not even oh 50 months then yeah 50 months he's gonna get one quarter one quarter and then he has to serve that or he can do some like deal where it's like I've been behaving well I think you get time served and then he's probably gonna get out you know in about now does he take this as a win there's a big W for the kid yeah I imagine no you can say I'm sure on paper for what he could have ended up being yeah yes but but once it was down to like this charge only and it could have been from this to like 11 years like is does he say four and a half years four and a quarter years is a win huge for him yeah because he should have gone away forever what's he gonna do in there now he's gonna like learn how to cook stay healthy that kind of thing I would hope I would hope he gets he gets dealt some of the cards that he dealt to other people you think that's gonna happen in there I think he's probably gonna be a major celebrity I don't think so I think times have changed celebrity is dead people don't like celebrities anymore you feel it I see people boo you when you walk the streets yes oh yeah but that's that was happening you just don't know that was happening even before I was a major huge celebrity as long as I've known you and we've been buddies I've never seen you get booed until very recently it's been heavy now maybe it's some of the work you've been putting out maybe it's an indicator that you don't come around enough that is a fact the last time I saw you we ate dinner together at Mother Wolf yes what a lovely dinner we had yeah we'll go again tonight I don't care and what did I do the very next day the very next day you texted me didn't you I did you left me a nice message and I very much appreciate that you know who's a motherfucker though that Bobby Lee he's not gonna he doesn't text he's not a good texter he's getting better but we do have an issue with his grace he lacks in grace yeah what he lacks in grace he makes up for in playfulness and it's irreplaceable you can't you can't you can't find that energy somewhere else that's true I understand you can't mine that I understand that's an actual resource that is limited and it will run out I wished him a happy birthday recently he did write back to that but because I think I was wearing like a bad friend shirt somewhere maybe on my show yeah you were and then you guys one of you I don't know who wrote first okay yeah and then he wrote and then I thought I thought it was going to be a little fun tête-à-tête he did not do that I wrote back I left you guys a voice note that I thought was kind of funny yeah never he never responded I'll tell you why we I get scared of group texting because I don't know when it's going to stop I understand so I bail pretty quickly I understand but if you text me directly I'll text you all day I get that but if there's more than one other person in our text I'm nervous that they're going to continue to like stuff hard stuff and it's going to be notification city listen to me listen to me we could talk honestly let's do it so you guys someone initiated it you did because you put us both on so you initiated it I responded in kind I think there is probably like you know that was allowed I wouldn't have gotten so nervous so fast you don't have to you could shoot me straight I'm not one that's going to be there like heart like answering but you're a sensitive guy and I figured that I don't want to let you down you're someone who takes their feelings into account I'm a sensitive guy but I also have a very gruff side to me is gruff is gruff a word I have a gruff side it is the billy goat's gruff what's that the billy goat's gruff oh yeah so it's like thank you for that that is something we needed to hear the billy goat's gruff did I use it right contextually gruff is a rough and low in pitch or an abrupt or tacticum in manner yeah abrupt and tacticum in manner gruffness yeah you have a little bit of a gruffness but i don't buy it i'm selling it i wouldn't have been sad if you told me let's not continue the group thing here but also i wasn't gonna go back and forth you know didn't i follow up because i did you did because nobody said shit actually that's right and then i wrote back hey that should have got a little love but then it was a fun little thing i did it was a fun thing you're right and then i and then i wrote that and i think you wrote back to that and he still didn't write back he refused now when i see him on the streets i don't know what's gonna happen now it's like that i don't know i'm not saying violence i said i don't know what's gonna happen but i might snub him but the implication is that this is that what i i very rarely resort to violence very rarely very rarely i've heard some stories okay you know who do you keep time with who do you keep time with your crew you think i don't keep time with your crew you see i didn't do anything but the threat i didn't resort but that kind of stuff that new york thing you see that new york thing you got i know but we don't do that in la don't we do that in la okay when we see people we we wince i it'll never go i'll never throw it but sometimes you just gotta see that like and that's intimidating don't please in here we pour whiskey this episode of whiskey ginger is brought to you by squarespace squarespace is incredible i've talked about it so much uh on this show 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track the revenue of that from the bookings to help you connect with your fans your audience uh and whomever you're trying to appeal to on the internet it doesn't really matter so you're looking to create a new site go to squarespace.com slash whiskey to save 10 off your first purchase of website or domain using our code whiskey once again squarespace.com slash whiskey check it out and the code of course to create a beautiful website with 10 off your first purchase is whiskey ginger i like gingers i'll text you every time you get into a new hotel because i love your view that's real views those are real views sal's the only guy i know that i swear to god i know you get there's no way you get those rooms without asking on your niece no don't you dare i swear to god don't don't i i get those views because every time sal takes a picture of a hotel he's in it's always like another rooftop and air conditioning units that's what it is it's always blowing my own balls off though yeah i don't i can't believe it myself i'll tell you right now you've never gotten it now hotels are doing that deliberately to give you a shitty room i would say in the last 10 years of me doing that bit like i would say maybe i've gotten like five nice views i would say i've gotten like five nice views i would say i've gotten like five nice i've chosen not to post them right just because yeah i probably should no no no it would break the internet yeah they'd lose their minds yeah yeah i like the shitty views yeah it does actually i swear it's the first thing i do is take a shitty i mean no no first thing i do is i open the door i walk right to the thing i'm like no one's in the room i'm like fucking again they gotta be doing that on purpose they have to be doing that deliberately there's no reason for you to get that you get good views i've never i've never had a bad view in my life are you but that's how i see the world because what i get now is all of my friends family every time they check into the hotel i get texted people's views because they want to you know what it is it's the it's it's the energy you put out into the world you're going to get back so when i check into the desk i'm a i'm a desk clerk right now here you go welcome to the hotel hi sir how are you checking in yeah i'm just checking in and looking for the best room you have obviously yes yes i'll get you the best room yes one second can i see your id and a credit card please here's my id right here right sir okay so here you go let me see you're on the first floor 136 first yeah first floor gym is open 24 hours a day and i suggest you try to use it and breakfast is served till 9 30 we'll go to 10 for someone like you you'll sleep in have a good stay thank you do you see how that went because the way you approach now you'll be a clerk i'll show you how i show up what's up red hey sir how are you good morning you're staying here i am i'm checking into the hotel today all right can i can i tell you something what do you gotta say you look exactly like brad pitt has anyone ever told you that you have the same like eyes once or well you it's like stunning sorry that's so annoying i'm sorry i'm being annoying i'm being annoying get out of here not no you want to leave no do i want you to i'll tell you how much i don't want you to leave penthouse suite right there see how that no one's taking it for two days you got for two days but then i have a diplomat coming in are you joking two days and then we get you somewhere else i can't accept i'll see what i can do no no please take it take it from brad pitt to you thank you all right and see that that's why i get nice rooms okay this is the difference between the way we next time i check out when he was like hey you look like brad it's a woman excuse me ma'am you look like brad pitt santino it didn't work it failed miserably she hated the bit you look like brad i am overtly nice to the front desk clerks just because i know oh i am check i know you are i'm kidding checking in people has to be one of the most thankless annoying jobs because you've still got to go hello good shit flight who got a bad cab and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, is like, yeah, hi, is our room ready? Yeah. They deal with that all day. Yeah. There isn't a break. Like, at least as a restaurant, as a server, I served for years. At least as a server, you get some tables that are shitheads and a lot of fun tables. Yeah. They're getting more shit than good at a hotel front desk. I know it. When you get in a little early, and luckily this happened to me when I got here. Room isn't ready. But luckily it was when I got here, like 9.40 in the morning. 9.40 is early. That's way too early. And I don't expect anything. That's on you. You know, 1 o'clock-ish, they say check-in is at 3 or 4. I know, but noon is the time when I go, you're going to hold my bags, I am going to go to the bar and get lunch. Yeah. When I do come back, it would be nice if it moved up the list. Yeah, like 1 o'clock is pushing it. Yeah, come on. But I don't like when they're just like, when it's like after 1, 1.30, 2, 2.30, they're like, it's not ready. 3 o'clock, that's tomorrow. And I'm like, all right, well, and they're just like, and then they're like, check-in's at 4. Check-in's at 3. I'm just like, you understand, though, because I've been here a few hours, right? But here's where it really gets me. Yeah. When it's past it. Oh, yeah. Then they're not at your feet being like, this is an embarrassment. They don't care. I know we're supposed to have everything ready at 4 and it's 4.10, but they don't. They just say it like it's still 3. Right. Like it's not ready yet. I'm like, it's 4. Your check-in was at 4, yeah? It's 4, yeah. Yeah, it's only 4.10. Yeah, 4.10 is fine. Then I want to like- We'll get you something. Oh, see, that then, but that's when they go. We'll get him the room that he deserves. We played this role on the TV show. What? It was fucking fun. The check-in person behind the desk. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We had to offer like insane services. It was one of my favorite ones from last season, actually. Like you were like, can we come in there and do a dance for you? We had to try to upsell in that moment. So I'm like, but it was like ridiculous stuff. I didn't know. So on the computer, they had number coded like amenities. So the guys would just be like, number 12. And I'd be like, okay, and I got you in a suite and round-the-clock power then? You know, like the guy's like, well, I'm like, round-the-clock power? And he's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, well, if you don't get the round-the-clock power between midnight and 4 a.m., you won't have any power in the room, but you know, it's just a $5 upcharge. And then they'll say yes, and I'll keep going. I'm like, all right, and I got you with a, and I think one was like your room, not room service, the lady who cleans the room. The maid? Yeah, but we don't say maid. The maid? What are you, my dad? Yes. The maid? Get the maid in here! Yeah, the broad who cleans the rooms. The cleaning service? Yeah, yeah, the cleaning service. And it's just like, that woman will be at least a 7 of 10. Oh, looks-wise? Yeah, it's a clip-on, but it was really, it was a good one. If you want someone to clean your room that's like a 4 or 5, we have that rate. But if you do want someone who is elevated in looks, we do have that as well. That's fantastic. And then I was like, and a fuck bench. A little cock chair? If you'd like a cock chair, we have it. I have one. In the shower, there's a fuck bench. And he's like, I don't need the fuck bench. And I'm like, all right, so you want round-the-clock power, no pass on the fuck bench, and your cleaning lady will be at least a 7 out of 10. Thank you. And the guy, do they bite on it, though? Fully bite. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all about the person. Yeah, yeah. They make or break the bit. If they are someone who just is earnest and believes you, that's why I would just start from a place of being grounded. And if they take it seriously, it's that much funnier. Right. Or if they don't want to be bothered, a bit can live in that. And die on the person. That's all it is. But you learned it after so many years of doing it. You know, you can see right through. Yeah, I'll cut someone loose if I don't think they're going to be good. I don't want to waste my goddamn time. Whoa. Yeah, no, no. That's that New York attitude. Yeah, I don't want to waste my time. Look at the shoes you got on, by the way. I want to compliment you. You always got good grade. The kid always has good shoes. These are just your typicals. I know, I know. But you always are wearing something fresh and new, and you always keep your feet in something nice. Your feet are always complete. Here's a presidential suite. What are these called? Thank you. Are these just Jordan 1 Lowe's? Jordan 1 Lowe's? This is a basic shoe here. I know. Yeah, I mean, literally. Literally, like, retail. What are we talking, though? Give me a fair number of shoes. That I have? Yeah. Genuine. 300. Jesus. Is that a lot? I mean, no, no, no. I know that's a lot of shoes. I mean, to someone who's, like, a collector of shoes. 300 is a lot, though. I try to give some away. Maybe 250. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty about it. That's your little rotten, squirreled, rotten thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't do anything else. You're not a frivolous man. No, and I've really cooled down on shoes. Or spending a lot on shoes. Sure. Like, I would buy, like, or I would, like, get, like, hard to, you know. But now I'm, like, buying just a lot of, like, shoes at retail. Just because I really like switching my, you know. How many kicks did you bring to the L.A. trip? I travel light. I travel one on feet and two in the bag. Let's be honest. You don't go to the family holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. It's not just an appliance. It's a present to help them with the making. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer this year and make more than meals. Coca-Cola. For the big. For the small. The short. And the tall. Peacemakers. Risk takers. For the optimists. Pessimists. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Is one of those like a workout pair of shoes or an exercise shoe? Yeah, one is going to have dual functionality. One's going to be stylish. I never go anywhere without checkered Vans because they can, they can, any single scenario. They're the most versatile shoe. We talked about the Vans last time. Yeah, checkered Vans because you did wear Vans on the show last time. Yeah, so I never go anywhere without that. And then there's like one shoe that I could possibly dress up and then an everyday shoe/workout shoe. Thanks for thinking I work out, which I just started though. No, I didn't mean you work out. I mean an exercise shoe for versatility. Yeah, there's a, there's a versatile shoe, a going out shoe. And then there's the. Are you exercising? There's the Camille. Yeah, I just started. Yeah. What are we talking? Uh, I do. Cardio, weights? Both. I do, uh. Trainer, solo, trainer. Trainer. Does it suck? Yeah. I do it at 6:30 a.m. so. I can't do it, yeah, I don't want to listen to some guy bark at me. I need it, otherwise I'm not doing it. You're, it's like that, you'll never do it? I'll never do it. Really? Yeah, and I need to do it. You have so much, you have so much drive. It's just something you don't care about. Yeah. Unless somebody makes you care. I, I never did it, so I don't have that, I'm not, like, I don't have that mindset of like, oh. Get up and go. Yeah, but I just know it's about, like, doing it with consistency enough until I cross over to the other side. And then I'll probably, maybe, hopefully, God willing, be able to, God bless and Jesus and Mary and Joseph be able to try to, like, with all my heart and love and say, say the, some prayers and maybe I'll be able to continue on with it. Did you grow up Catholic? Yeah. You're not anymore, though. D'oh. I am. Yeah. No. Come on. I wish. Look at that. There it is. I got that on a road trip in April, 2020. Which prison, which prison were you in when that got done? April, April, April 2003, Electric Ladyland Tattoo. Oh, really? In New Orleans. New Orleans, yeah. Yeah, it's terrible. I don't know why I got it. It really looks bad. And, uh, the guy who did it was a new guy. I found that out after he had-- New guy! --tattooed me. Come get this guy. And it's, it's, uh, it's not symmetrical. And it's been, I've been staring at this for 22 years and I, and I have, and I have an anxiety. Get it peeled off. They can do it now. Yeah. So, so easy. Something about that. We have so many friends that do it. What's that? Can you show the camera? Show the camera. Oh. Yeah, show the kids. Yeah, it's like, well, I'm turning, it's not that twisty, but, like, you see that. There you go. Why don't, why don't you get it? It's basically religious. I got it. And, but to be fair, when I first got it, like, there was some gals about town that were like, oh, that's cool. Really? And so I guess, check. You know, I did it. The babes like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but I know, I really don't. I, you know what it is too? I, most of my tattoos I don't like. I think, like, that's everybody. Yeah. Well, if you, I don't have any, so I don't relate. Yeah. But I understand. Most people do say this. I have seven and I can, I can take or leave, like, you know, four of them. They're on your back, right? Uh, no, nothing on my back. You don't have that swastika anymore? That thing is gone? No. You got that one removed. No. That, that wasn't on my back. Wait, what, where's the other tattoo? Shoulder? High shoulder? No. Shoulder? Arm? Where? Legs? I have one here. Oh, and that's, let me see. Just some words. That's just some words there. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Just some words there. What does it say? It's a note, it's just a note about you and I don't want you to know what it says. Well, I guess I'll read it when you're dead. No, it's song lyrics for a friend of mine that, that passed. That passed away, of course, it's a dead guy song. There's always a dead guy song. Well, you're the one that got the tattoo. And then I got my, my grandparents, uh, initials on my, on my legs here. The funniest part, I thought you were going to say my grandparents with the tribal tattoos. My grandfather's tribal tattoo. This is my grandfather's tribe. We had, he had a tribe. I had to get it. Yeah. This, no, this is a, this is my first tattoo ever. I got an 18 and it's really bad, but it's when tribal, like it's before it was even co-opted by like Vin Diesel and stuff like that. It was like, I'll tell you this quick story. I went, my dad, my dad like turned like 50 or whatever. I mean, he got a tattoo and then he was like, I was turning 18 and he's about to turn 50 and he's like, I'm going to take you for your first tattoo. It was illegal to your 18, uh, or maybe it still is, uh, if you have a parent, you can do it. If you're under 18, you can. Yeah. If a parent goes, it depends on where you are. I just remember like it was illegal in New York. This is how old I am showing my age. Okay. So I, I went when I turned 18 and I didn't see anything I liked and I was in there for like an hour and I didn't want to get anything I didn't like. So I was like, I don't really see anything. But my dad, like he really liked it. He really wanted this to be a bonding moment. He's like, are you sure? Are you sure? And so back then, and I don't know if this is the case now, especially where I'm from, the tattoo artists were dicks. They were arrogant dicks and they treated you like they were doing you a favor. It's kind of like a coffee shop when you're like, what do you want? I don't, I don't really notice that a lot now, but yeah, it still is like that. Oh my God. But you don't have any tattoos. No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying the cultural vibe is like a very like, you're not cool enough to be in here. Yeah. That's what it was like. Yeah. I see him when he gets tattoos and like, you know, most of them are very cool, but like sometimes people look at you like you're like, uh, what's, what's up. And you're like, I'm just here to support the thing, man. Come on. Yeah. So I, and I'm actually glad the guy was, did this to me because in hindsight he did me a favor, but I just, I was throwing a dart at the wall because I couldn't find any, I didn't know I could even like be like, draw this for me. I was trying to pick from the selections and I said, well, maybe I'll get the Daffy duck. Yeah. Because I like Daffy. He's underrated. And, and, but thank God I didn't. He's highly rated. He is highly rated. I do not think Daffy's underrated. I'm sorry. No, Daffy. No, Daffy. Daffy. Yeah. Yeah. I said Daffy. Yeah. I'm just making sure. Not Donald. Daffy. Well, Donald, after he caught a case, nobody. He's in bad shape, dude. Put on some pants. Yeah. No. So I said Daffy and he goes, and the guy goes, he went like that. And I go, what? I didn't, I didn't even say what. He goes, huh. He literally went, you look like a cartooner when you came in here. He called me a cartooner. You look like a cartooner. And I just was like. And you, can I tell you something? I agree with him, but I would never say that to you. Yeah. I look like a cartooner. That's insane. I know. And then I felt. You do look like a cartooner. All right. But that's not an insult. Cartooner. Don't. A cartooner. Just watch yourself. Sorry. Just watch yourself. It was. From him. He intended it to be. From him. I felt so like ashamed. You walked out. No. I just don't know. And he goes, here. He goes, let me show you something. And he took a book out from underneath the thing. And he opened it. And he like. And I goes. And there was like tribal designs in there. He's like, this is something new. And I was like. Mr. Tribal. Oh. I go, this is kind of cool. And I was like. I was more of like a grunge. Like a. Like. I wasn't like a. Like a. Like a muscle guy. Right. Like a. Like the guidos co-opted the tribal. They did. But prior to that, I was like a hippy dippy grunge guy. And so I got it on my ankle. Right. So I got it. And this was the first one. And now, of course, it's mortifying. This tattoo. It is. Yeah. And now if I'm. I usually wear. If I don't. Especially with this. This outfit. Right. Yeah. It's like I'm showcasing. Yeah. I know. You know. But so anyway. So I used to work at this deli. Right. So 24 hour deli. So I'm there. And like. I'll call it six months later. This guy. No. Maybe it was more than that. Maybe a year or two later. This guy comes in. Huge muscle guy. He's on. Right. And I go. I'm ringing him up. And I go. Oh, I have that tattoo. And he goes. No, you don't. And I go. No. I got that tattoo. And he goes. You don't have this exact tattoo. I go. I have that exact tattoo. He's like. Show me. So I showed him my leg. And he went. That motherfucker. He goes. I'm going to fuck him up. And I'm like. Whoa. So the guy, Doug, that did this tattoo for me. Whatever. He paid him to draw him a bespoke tribal. Oh, you got a bespoke tribal. Yeah. But it wasn't. I mean, he had it first then. He did. So I guess he. I guess he did. But I didn't see it on a lot of guidos back then. So I thought I was doing something. Well, if they were on a lot of ankles, you wouldn't have seen it. I thought I was seeing something unique. And then so. And this guy was supposed to. He broke the code of ethics and sold. He paid him extra to draw that. And that wasn't supposed to be sold to somebody else. And he put it on me. Because what are the odds that this guy is going to run into the other guy. It's never going to happen. Yeah. And I don't know what happened between those two guys. Well, one of those guys is dead. Yeah. And my money's on the guido. All that creatine goes right to the head at some point. I never have gotten a tattoo. And I've talked. Zero desire. You're past it now. You'll never. You'll never get one now. Yeah, probably. Well, I also. I saw a young lady this morning walking. I was walking the dog. And I saw a young lady walking. And she had the invisible eyebrows. Now that's a thing. You know, when they dye them. They dye them. I don't get it. Well, we're old. But. And I'm okay to go. I don't get that. But I understand that they like that. Because I did shit when I was young. But she has her own. Yeah, they're there. Oh, so they're still there. Yeah, but they're like white or they dye them blonde or they dye them. Oh, I thought you meant the tattoo. No, no, dude. This is like they literally color the eyebrow a different color. But they're staining the skin? So there's hair there and they're dyeing the hair itself. No, there's another thing that people are getting like tattooed under the thing. But this young lady, he understands. It's his generation. People in their 20s. You know who Julia Fox is? Uncut Jams. Uncut Jams. So she kind of did this and a lot of women did it as well. It was a trend, right? Yeah. She had this and then she had a massive spider web tattoo on her neck with a spider right here in the middle. And I like all kinds of people. I want everyone to live their freest life. That's what everybody says about you. But I see that and I immediately go, you know, you're going to be 50 one day. Yeah. And that's such an old man thought. But I do know her at 50 isn't going to love that anymore. My 24-year-old niece is. I don't know where she caught the bug from, but she has it from. She did everything. Yeah. And it's crazy. This is my little, like, my little niece. She got into it. She started to even learn how to do it. She's a registered nurse now, but she has the neck. She has it here, in the ear here, in the hands. The neck is tough for me. Yeah. I'm like, what are you going to, you know? And she's like, I'm fine with it. She is. And that's fine that they're fine with it. But I did think it looks weird when you're old, when you see someone in their 60s with like a neck tattoo or face tattoo. It does something. The face tattoo is becoming so normalized to me that when someone walks by, I don't even think of it anymore. I don't think about it as much anymore. It used to be a thing. I was like, oh my God. Like, look at this wayward person. What happened in their life? A ne'er-do-well. Yeah, a ne'er-do-well. Yeah, that is a ne'er-do-well. Like, maybe they've either seen some hard times or they're like some, they're rough and tumble. You know, something. Rough and tumble. You know what I mean? What if you're just tumble and not rough? How come we don't do that? Because you could say rough without tumble, but tumble can't be without rough. Yeah, you're right. I don't know why. What is it? It's like trials and tribulations. Yeah. No, you can have both of those separate. Yeah, you can have both of those separate. Yeah. You're not from our generation. Yeah, he doesn't know what he's talking about. But, you know, yeah, but you're right. But what is tumble? Rough and tumble. It's kind of referring to like a tumbleweed, a roll around, a dusty, a dusty person. Oh, is that right? Yeah. No, I'm making it up. But I imagine. Yeah, I just imagine. Yeah, you never hear someone be like, he's tumble. God, that guy's quite tumble. He's quite tumble. Yeah. Stay away from him. He's tumble. Tumble. Because that sounds cute. Yeah. Because tumbling in gymnastics is cute. He took a little tumble. Oh, he's a little tumbler, isn't he? Yeah. What is rough and tumble? What does it say? The phrase described disorderly struggle and originated in the late 1700s, initially referring to a brutal, no-hold-bar style of hand-to-hand combat. Combat fighting, yeah. Oh, really? Fighting, yeah. It all goes back to fighting. Don't. Please, please don't. In here. We pull. Whistle. Whistle. It's official. The holidays are here. You're going to be sweating so bad talking to your Aunt Judy about, how come you don't have a job? Well, Aunt Judy, it's tough out there, okay? But thanks to Mando, deodorant plus sweat control, they got you covered. This is my favorite scent. It's bourbon leather. Bourbon leather is one of my favorites. They also have Mount Fuji that they seemingly might have made for my buddy Bobby Lee, but this stuff is so good. 72-hour odor and sweat control. It does two. That's my favorite part about it. It stops odor before it starts. This is the MVP, okay? Fantastic. And the best part about Mando is, you know, it smells good, and it does actually do its job. 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If you got into a fight, you got your ass kicked once. The guy who says he never lost a fight is the worst liar I've ever seen. No, I would never say that. I don't know if I've ever been in a fight. I've been in a one-on-one, like a mix-em-up, like one of these. Yeah, a little knuckle, a little look, a little look. On the ice. Oh. On the ice. But that's fair game. Yeah. But I feel like that's not indicative of a street fight. You know, maybe like a couple of punches. And then, like, you get pulled away. Sure. I'm not saying I'm tumble. You're not. I'm not tumble. You are rough. I'm rough. But you're not a tumbler. I draw it at rough. I draw it right at rough. When you're on the ice. Don't ask me to tumble. What position are you? I won't do it. What position are you on the ice? Right wing. Are you? I started in roller hockey as a goalie. I used to be able to split. How about that? Can I be honest with you? Yeah. I would have guessed goalie. You would have? I would have. Why? Wide frame. You need, like, a top. Broad. You need a broad frame. You can't be. This guy can't be a fucking goalie. He weighs 160 pounds. Yeah. You need someone that's got a frame. You wouldn't make the playoffs. Playoffs? Playoffs? He wouldn't make the playoffs. Playoffs? He wouldn't make them. No, he wouldn't. No, he wouldn't make the reg C's. You thought goalie. All right. I'll take that as a. Well, that's because you're broad. You're a broad-shouldered man. By the way, compliment is a man. You don't want. You don't want. We established I was a man up top. We did. And, you know, I surprised you with it. I know you didn't see it coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I really wanted to give it to you. Because, like I said, a lot of people have said to me. That's why I don't feel like a man. Does Sal know if he's a man or not? I said, well, I'll ask him. Okay. And I know you know now. You know when you hear, like, Salt-N-Pepa? Like, when they sing Shoop or What a Man and stuff? What a man, what a man, what a good man. A body like honor with a Denzel face. Yeah. He's smart like a doctor with a real good rep. And when he come home, he always got a gift for me every time. When that's on and you sing that, do you attribute those? Like, do you feel like some of these lines can be about me? No, not even one of them. Okay. That song in particular is about a beautiful. He's a mighty, mighty good man. That's about a big, beautiful black man that they're referring to. I know. I don't have any of those qualities. Yeah. So I don't. I love the song. I know it's not about me. 12 inches to a yard. Have you screaming like a. You can't say it. I can't say it. But 12 inches also. That's, you know. You know, big pun. Yeah. Big pun has a line that I think he says. You couldn't measure my dick with six rulers. Yeah. That's, you know. Absurd. It's silly now. Do you want me to take you serious? Yes. That's outrageous. It's so many. It's outrageous. It's so many. If you're going to rap and brag about something, you couldn't measure my dick with a ruler. With our ruler. Then maybe, maybe from the footage I've seen, maybe I could be like, oh, maybe. Maybe this is true. But a six foot penis. Imagine if he had, imagine if he had, imagine if his penis was just, just a foot and one inch, one inch over and he was going around doing that. Nailed it. You couldn't measure, because you're measuring my dick with a ruler. They're like, well, it just got overpun. I mean, let's not be so hyperbolic. I mean, it's. No, but he's right. Yeah. I would, that's, he's got you dead to rights. 12 inches, one centimeter. That's factual. That is. But six feet, six feet, his dick? Yeah. It's as long as him. Well, you couldn't measure it. It's over six feet. You couldn't. It's over six feet. Okay. That's an absurdly long penis. What kind of life is that? It would be horrible. Well, that's why he died so young. He'd be on TLC. He'd have a show on TLC. Oh, I'm sure. The line before he says he's sick. Yeah, he's sick. He says, I'll rip my prick through your hooters. I'm sick. I'll rip my prick through your, I'll rub. Rub. I always thought it was stick. Rub my, because that's an extra line. Well, we're not going to say the word. I'll rip my, I'll stick my prick through your hooters. Is that what he says? I don't know. I guess I was looking up. That was just memory. Well, I've been saying the wrong triple X lyric my whole life then. Yeah, I don't know why you're screwing that up. I think the heart is there though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The idea. I like the, I go downstairs, little brown hairs everywhere, and you're nasty pun. I don't care. That's my favorite version of it. I don't care. That's my favorite. favorite version because they're like you're nasty he's like i don't care it's cute it's such a funny lyric it's such a funny line to say i don't care it's like actually every time i hear that lyric i'm like ew it's disgusting like it's like sometimes rappers are cute like that's a cute funny little throw that's cute but the line right before a little brown hair i'm like ew oh yeah like you nasty twin i don't care okay it's like that that's like when you catch a kid they're like ew what are you doing he's like i don't care i wish he would have wrapped it like that like little brown hairs everywhere you nasty he's like okay okay yeah it's all rip my prick through yeah of course it is jeez oh he says prick no well yes he does i rip my dick do you who does now it's censored it says prick right here yeah censored but it's uncensored uncensored says prick right here no i've never heard that man say pr uh he says dick i have the uncensored version if you want to hear it i i don't know do we will we get you demonetized oh we'll have to edit it yeah we'll have to edit we'll watch it i don't want to i don't want to give you extra work i don't we neither you're you're in the cockpit thank you yeah yeah my co-captain i'll give you one of my favorite lyrics was and i did a joke about it years ago and i stopped doing it but it just reminded me biggie says um uh phone bill about two g's flat no need to worry my accountant handles that to a whole bit of that you did i have a full bit on that lyric that's specifically i had a bit years ago and i stopped doing it i have my hand of god no come on yeah i did it i did it a few times i never wrote about it again no shit i mean i'm not joking i have a full bit it's i mean forever i haven't put it on a special or anything um but i'm actually i actually still do it i actually extracted it from a bigger bit i took it i changed it up a little bit i added to it and i like i and now i'm it's in the it's in my tour right now the hour i'm doing right now seriously swear to god we shouldn't talk about it that's so funny it's okay i don't care i don't want to tell we don't have to do your but it's this just this well the idea was that it was absurd absurd yeah then that's yeah that that just justifies the fact thousand dollars is such an absurd amount of money this is my exact month one month wait oh you're fucking with me i swear to god i did this bit years and years ago and i never did it again i my hand to god i'm not even kidding i swear to god dude i have an extensive bit about like i'm like literally about like i say there's a line and then i even looked up like bell technologies and all the phone companies that were around back then that how how many countries could you be calling to acquire a two thousand dollar a month phone bill do you have you're fucking with me i swear to god i'm not kidding i'm not joking so i haven't seen your hour yeah how could i've seen this i don't know maybe maybe like at a club oh i don't watch i know i i don't know if you're i don't i i believe i can't tell you fucking i swear to god so then we were like-minded then i can't believe i've been doing the bit a very very very long time it was part of like it was part of like it was one song like i did a few of them but now i changed it i i when i talk about my adhd i say i hyper focus on things and like things loop in my head and i can't get them out so i was at a party and the song juicy by biggie smalls came on as a line the song's phone bill but you just had no one to worry my accountant handles that and my should i should i could yeah right i mean do whatever you want i could say right it's your joke yeah but i know but i like am i giving it a all right yeah so i say um i say uh uh all i keep thinking is dear god if biggie smalls but now i'm not gonna fucking blank on my own joke um if biggie smalls could see how far we have come that's telecommunications unlimited talk text and web is now 40 he's talking two g's if he didn't get shot he would have died of a heart attack the rates are too good we would have lost mr smalls either way that's right do you know how much it would take to rack up a two thousand dollar phone bill today let alone 25 years ago when he wrote that song calls within the continent continental united states are a flat rate let's call that fifty dollars i think that's on the high side yeah which means that if he would have to account for another one thousand and nine hundred and fifty dollars he would have to talk and i say and back then we all know long distance calls were you can get for a dollar a minute they bang this over the head with it which means that if he had to account for another 1950 he would have to talk exclusively month of the month 33 and a half hours long distance every month right and i'm like i'm trying to talk to people at a party about this because like i can't get out of my head or whatever so yeah so i have this whole fuck i thought you were fucking with me i swear to god i did it years ago i stopped my entry point was me saying when i was young when i was a teenager i thought he was saying the entry point was me talking about lyrics that you misunderstood when you were a kid that you now hear as an adult and so it was about another bit but i use that as an example the bit was really about what song was it about i wish i could remember now this is a long time ago but the entry point was i thought he was saying at one point i thought he said fold bills about two g's flat when i was a teenager meaning like he's got a wad of two g's right full bills about two g's flat no need to worry my accountant how's that lyric ironically kind of still works oh it does yeah that was why when i was a teenager i first had saw that or had heard it and thought that's what it was initially yeah then as a few years went by i learned what the lyric really was so sometimes you hear something one way when you're a kid and you hear the second when you're older and of course the wraparound trick joke was a dirty lyric that i misinterpret blah blah blah you get it you get it yeah yeah i picked apart some lyrics i ace of base all that she wants is another baby she's gone tomorrow so i'm like all that she wants that's all she wants everything because there's a lot of other things this is all she wants is another baby she already has one yeah she's gone tomorrow that's fast yeah you gotta get it i said i'm i hope she's ovulating i'm dancing with my wife i'm like hon don't make any sudden moves but i think i'm grinding on you to a song about child abduction that's a great bit you do that now i stopped doing it that i just extracted the biggie out of it you like that one i should i keep it back in why not i felt like it was i don't know i felt kind of cheap doing song lyrics so that's why i applied to my adhd cheap yeah no i just felt like it was like it's funny it's funny it's funny yeah if it's funny sometimes i do that i i over and i i over critique myself for whom the audience all they want is something that's relatable and funny yeah they don't give a if it takes them so far away from their reality then it's harder to sell yeah but this is something that people are so akin to let me give you another one give it i mean truly i love you i love you i miss you you know because this is my mother we have this conversation my mom notoriously shout out mo money she deliberately doesn't listen to lyrics she doesn't care which i think is beautiful so she would she would go um all that she is is it going away girl it's unbelievable i love that she will take the melody and then but but dude you'll go maureen it's it's it's all she wants another baby and she'll go she's pissed that you tried to right right shut up shut up shut up and then you're annoying right because you're a nerd you know that's not the real so when i do that she fucks you off so hard even though you're right you're wrong right because maureen's already floating by that's like she's got a force she's been doing that since i was a kid that's amazing she would do that all the time it'd be like uh it would be like my mom loved 80s music like loved 80s music so i grew up into my brain yeah you know so if it was like billy i a billy idol or something like that you know like i said what did the other day we were joking my wife about um white wedding you know i have a white wedding nice day for a white wedding and then she'd say something like it's a nice day to do today and you're like start again that is the word right there it's right there but she refuses you don't need it because that is good it's just as fun yeah i did that today with my wife this morning just to annoy her where i was doing uh what um uh never mind i'll find someone like i was throwing in nonsense and i could tell she was going why are you making up it's fun though but it's way more fun it is way more fun q and i were once in a bar in greenpoint brooklyn after 4 a.m this bar that was known to stay open late and you go and you knock and like they open the door and someone told us about i only went that one night not marty's i don't i won't remember i don't remember it but it was like it was bottom of the barrel stuff yeah gross sad weird yes yeah yeah it wasn't no but it was you got in there and it was seedy and uh there was no register it was just like um like a money box like a cash box you know and uh there was a dog walking around in there i swear to god always a loose dog and it was like you know you looked around you're like oh okay like you didn't feel like you were gonna like get killed or anything but it didn't you you weren't at home you know and we threw in a five and we played white wedding 18 times because it was 5 for 18 late you know what you know what really got me because i was gonna do a bit on it and then like years later melanie did a bit about like playing some song over and over at a diner at a diner or something like that i don't remember and you know and and i was like fuck this is my real life experience i can't do it but um we played it 18 times and like about and he did the same thing but what are you gonna do but like you when people start you know people would draw this out but like third time like what's going on fourth time that place is getting annoyed i think he did like the same exact thing but like literally somewhere in that in that 18 song span a female fight broke out oh my god i don't think i don't know if it was i i like to believe it was induced a little bit by billy idol's white wedding like the 18th time but i i love it i took a swing and they were grabbing hand and people separate them and she's like fuck you bitch she goes come see me at diamonds oh shit i guess she was she was at a place called diamonds now either that was in the district and she did jewels or i imagine a lady of the ladder yeah i imagine or she could have doubled down she could have two jobs the economy's tough yeah diamonds are in the you see me down in the jewelry district or at diamond strip club yeah yeah i do both yeah bitch. Yeah, so. But White Wedding was the song. Hey. Hey, see? I never have it turned on me. It hurts when it goes the other way. Let's take it easy. By the way, that's so funny. I'm not tumble. On my TouchTunes, I think I have like $130 and I don't know who the fuck did that. I'm not blaming Shane Gillis, but we were out and TouchTunes was live. What's TouchTunes? It's where you can pay the app on your phone to play through the jukebox. TouchTunes is. Oh, like the internet jukebox? Yeah. Oh, they do that now? You don't have to get out of your seat? Oh, brother, it's the best. They have a fucking app. Oh, I didn't know I saw that. But that's also the worst because you Apple Pay, you go, it goes fill up for 10 more bucks, you go, yeah, whatever. And I had my phone open so people could play music. Now somebody took my fucking phone and bought $125 or whatever worth of credits on my phone. But I didn't notice until the next morning. $120? In credits. So now I look because I look at the receipt, my email, I open my email the next morning and I'm going through deleting emails and I'm like, TouchTunes. I already had like $20 on it. I already had $20 on that thing. $125? But it's a funny bit. So now I really got to be a DJ. So I've got to get back out to the bar and TouchTune it up. You've never seen this? I never saw the app. Oh, it's fantastic. Here's the thing. We had, in my bar that I ran, we had an old school juke. TouchTunes, a little purple. And look, this is the best part. It'll find, I'm promoing TouchTunes, but it'll find, hey, where's the closest one? You want to go to this bar? That bar right there has a TouchTunes. So you know where one is. Right, you head over to the snug and go nuts. When I had, when I ran the bar that I had, we had an old jukebox. It was CDs. You had to change them. We had to change them. Yeah. But at times I curated what was in there, but it was only a hundred or whatever there was, right? 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I'm kidding. Oh, that's okay. We ended up getting the online, like that one, but it wasn't didn't have an app yet. And it was terrible because it lets you play anything. And like, I cultivated a certain feel in there and then people would come in and put like Celine Dion on. God bless her. I was just gonna say, Celine's a friend of the show. She's a national treasure. Well, she's not our national. I said she's a national. I didn't say our. I said a. She's not one of ours. So, um, and so it would kind of ruin the vibe. And so I like had to, I just disassembled, I unplugged it and I, then I just bought an iPod and then I just played everything for years. I lost money, but I kept the vibe. Kept the vibe. Yeah. Money is not as important as the vibe. Yeah. And by the way, this is TouchTunes does think something deliberately. They do kind of, they let you search and not everything is on there. Yeah. I'm assuming this is licensing issues, right? Uh, greedy, greedy, greedy industry. But, but they shift stuff to you. They'll put you front page on stuff and go, Hey, this is half the tokens if you play this. Cause they're trying to, they're trying to, uh, lead you to play the songs that they would like to be played. I don't like it either. Don't influence me. I go rogue. I go really rogue. Yeah. Yeah. I go like, uh, uh, what's it? Michael McDonald. That's rogue to you. That's rogue. That's where I live, baby. That is rogue. That's where I live. What do you go? You don't know me, but I'm your bro. That's pretty good. Yeah. You taking it to the streets or you doing what? Taking it to the streets, we're not in love anymore. Dude, I had a terrible bit that I, for my SNL. Audition, not when I went to New York, but when I have submitted my tape, one of them, it was just recent or no, this is a decade ago. I was going to say, you don't need to do that. I did. I'm doing it now. I actually, I do kind of need it. Uh, let's talk off camera, but, but I, but I, but I audition and I sent in the tape and they loved when they, when they called me to New York to go audition live, the one thing, um, the coordinator was like, you don't need to do that. Michael McDonald bit. Cause I don't do impressions. Oh, you did a bit. You, well, I do see, I did all, I did all characters, right? So I don't, I told them, I said, I don't do impressions. You're not going to get impressions. Oh, you do. Oh, I do characters. Like I can, I can impersonate an idea of a person, but like a celebrity to me, I don't not, I'm not, honestly, I'm not interested. I know that sounds weird, but it's like, I don't give a fuck about impersonating. Oh, I'm not good at it. I like if I was as good as Adam Ray, I'd be doing it all the time. Well, right. He does. That's what he does. But I mean, people, I can do a person I've seen or met for sure. But anyway, I, the only one thing I did was I threw in a Michael McDonald impression and it was so bad, but I left it in because it made me laugh. And I thought, they'll think it's cute. They were like, don't, please don't do that one. Wow. That one is not going to work out. But it was Michael McDonald in a drive-thru. Michael McDonald at McDonald's. And that's, it was just at a drive-thru, him going, I'll take a number two with a Diet Coke. That's good. Dude, it was so fast. It's good. But I did it because it made me laugh, but they were like, don't do that. It's fun to me. I thought it was stupid. Because, right? They were like, please don't bring that. Don't bring that bullshit. That's a clunker. But I did it because when I was organizing the jokes, when I was writing them, Nicky with Nick, Nick was like my bouncing board, one of my old buddies. I was like writing bits and I was like, do you like this bit? Do you like this bit? Yeah. And that one, we were both like, we were dying laughing because it's so stupid. But they deliberately. Maybe you've got to be a Michael McDonald fan. I don't know. Well, it's just, I think the idea is that it's just such a a dumb idea. Yeah. That it's fun because it's bad. I like that. Bad fun. Yes, bad fun. We were doing it all day. And then I thought, I gotta submit this. Sure enough. Tell Andrew we loved it. Can't wait to see him in New York. Can the Michael McDonald film. Don't bring that shit to New York. We used to do, you mentioned the bit of you think Shane, you don't know if Shane did that to you. No, I'm not blaming Shane. My buddy. No, but I'm saying someone in our crew did that and I don't know who did it. And no one will ever fucking tell me. My buddy, we used to, so famously, like if we go out to eat or whatever, separate checks or whatever, but like he would always like just get his bill and like never look at it. He'd just sign it and just leave. And so like. No tip? No, no, he would tip. But I just mean like he never looked at the, he just would do it quick. He never really cared about like what it was. He just. The line items didn't matter to him. No, no, no. He just did it and he would leave. And every time there was an opportunity over the course of like, there was, there's a game that three of us were doing with my other friend. We would see who can cost him the most money. So no, what I was saying, he never, sorry, he never looked at his credit card statements. Oh, okay, okay. He just never checked like his bills versus what they were or whatever. And so when he would sign his stuff and we'd get up to go or he'd go to the bathroom, whatever it was at the end of the thing, we'd take the pen and change the tip. So if he wrote like 10, we'd change it to 20 or 30 or whatever. And the game was to keep a cumulative tally of who could steal as much, take as much money from him. It's like the best version of Robin Hood. Dude, I mean, we got to the point when it got like, when it finally was like really getting down the stretch. Yeah. We got to when he left 10, we made it 110, dude. Oh, that's funny. That's very mean. He's like $110 at Chipotle? He didn't check. Yeah. And this was, that was to teach him a lesson, which he did. Finally he found out. He finally got mad. We told him one day and he flipped out. But I'll tell you what they did to me one time. Same three guys. The guys from my show. So we went out to eat one night and I went to the bathroom at the end of this meal and they all fucking left. They left and I came back out and it was a fucking $600 bill. That's great. And they weren't at the table and I was like, haha, like they're going to come. First I sat down like, oh, I guess everybody went to the bathroom. And then I was sitting there for like a couple of minutes and I was like, okay. And then I was like, oh, maybe they're like, they got up and they're talking to the chef. I don't know. So I went and looked. They weren't there. And then I'm like, I went into the parking lot and looked at all their cars are gone. I'm like, those fucking dicks. And it was $600. That's fantastic. You deserve that though. Because you give and you take. You give. You give. I give. Then you must take. I almost had the moment today, you know when somebody doesn't finish signing out of their thing on the flip pad on the iPad and she was sweet. Her attitude was nice. So when she walked away, I walked up to her and I said, excuse me, you didn't finish the, you didn't close out. On what? You know, you tap to pay at a coffee shop. Oh, coffee shop. Yeah. She didn't sign the thing and pick the tip. It's not done. Yeah. You know, this happens. You're not done. Yeah. And I walked up to her and I said, excuse me, you didn't. She was, oh my God, thank you. Well, you're a good person. No, but I have before. I'm not going to lie. I've had someone like storm out and fuck off or whatever. Their vibe is whatever. And they've left it undone. And I've over tipped on them. That's maybe illegal. It is. Fuck them. Yeah. Fuck them. Wow. What are they going to do? Wow. What are you going to do? Also, their restaurant's happier. I even tell the girl, I'm like, well, I'll tip for them. And they're like, I don't think I don't think you can do that. I'm like, watch me do it right now. Wow. I just gave you 20 bucks. I wonder if they call back though there and then have to give that place to the business that they did. Get fucked. That guy's not going to see it. And if he is, he can go fuck himself. They'll go, sir, you signed out. We have your signature on the pad. That's not my signature. It looks like yours, sir. That guy can go fuck himself. You finish. You don't finish, this is a rule to you. If you're in front of me in line and you don't finish, I'm over tipping. The staff is going to be excited to see me. Look out. You know when I have a massive anxiety attack now when I leave a hotel and forget to sign out of my Netflix? I just feel like I'm so vulnerable. Why do you sign in in the first place? To watch Netflix. That's insane. What do you mean, why do I sign in? You just lay in bed and put it on your iPad. You lay in bed with your iPad like the rest of us do. I don't even want to touch the remote. I do do that, but when I'm in a place for longer than a day and I'm really kind of settling, I'm nesting. If I'm on vacation, for example. Can I give you a better tip? Get yourself an Apple TV. Yeah, I got it. Throw it in your backpack. Plug it into the TV. You don't want to be bothered logging in, but you'll carry a whole other piece of hardware with you? It's this big. Tiny, tiny Tim. It's tiny Tim. Tiny Tim. And now you're dealing with HDMI cables. Easy money. Comes with it. Let me tell you something right now. You think I haven't been here? You think I haven't tried to hook something up to a hotel television? I'm telling you right now, seven out of ten times sometimes it doesn't come off the wall, and now you're under there, and you're pushing it, and you feel like you might break the thing. There's all dust under there. What hotels are you staying at? You're feeling back there for the HDMIs. No. No. No. No. No. No. Sometimes I see the HDMI, and I'm trying my best to get my hand in between the wall, but there's not a lot of slack. I push it through, and now blindly I'm trying to line up the HDMI with the other HDMI. It's a whole to-do, and I think it's easier to sign into Netflix ultimately is what I'm getting at. But I don't have the anxiety of not signing out. I'd rather just deal with the HDMI. But has that happened to you? To sign in? Sign in and not sign out? Never signed in. Oh, wow. Well, don't, because I tell you, I don't know why it makes me feel, because I don't really know. I'm like, can they go into settings, and then see my home address or my proclivities maybe? I don't know what they could see, because they store everything in Netflix. They do. Yeah. So if you go into settings, it might say they could see your password, or they could see your credit card information, or they could see your sexual preferences, or they could see old photos, embarrassing old photos. Netflix doesn't store those anymore. All right. They gave those away. But I will say that your anxiety can be easily solved by flicking it to the TV. Flick it. I've also almost never stayed in a hotel where you can't plug it in. I don't know this. On the wall thing, it's bananas. Yeah. Sometimes you can't get it off the wall. Almost always they come off. You keep living your own life. I'll keep living mine. I'm telling you. And when you're getting paid in dividends negatively, you get no TVs off the wall, and you're getting shitty views. And this, again, is your disposition. I get good views. TVs are always wobbling. It's always coming off. Don't. Please don't. Oh, no. It's taking a mind of its own. That was everything I had, not to hit you. Are you red-eyeing tonight? Tomorrow night. Are you doing shows tonight? No. You're just hanging? I got one more thing after this, then I'm around. I've been seeing who's up and who's down. Are you allowed to tell me what's after this? I can tell you. I'm doing Matan. Oh, the kid? Yeah, I've done it before. Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah. He did ours. He did Bad Friends. Yeah, how'd he do? It was great. You know what the funny thing was? Oh, he's done Bad Friends? Oh, cool. Yeah. Oh. I've never done it. Can you believe that? All the years you've been doing it. Well, can I tell you why? Please, God. We don't want you on the show. Oh, no, no, no. It's getting to sad. No, we were supposed to do it, but I'm sad Bobby's in. Where is he, in Milwaukee? We'll do it again. He's away. No, he's in Milwaukee. What are you doing over there? I've got this stuck on my arm. God, you're a fucking idiot. He wants a raise. We'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. The Matan kid, we had him on Bad Friends, and we caught shit for it because people were like, they were like, oh. They were being rude or mean to him, or he's, whatever. We were playing into his bit. That's the whole thing, yeah. I know, but people are very annoying. Yeah, people are stupid. People are annoying. Not stupid. People are annoying. You said it. You said stupid. I was going to, and I held. You said your listeners are stupid. No, your listeners are stupid. Play it back. No, no, no, no. Yes. Your listeners are stupid. You know what? Do an AI thing. Have Celine Dion sing it back. Was that something? I don't know. I just threw something at the wall. It wasn't good. Shoot again. No, no, no, no, no. Keep that hand down. What are you doing? What are you around? What are you doing? I got to do a show. You got to fly tomorrow? What time? First thing in the morning. Oh, you do? Yeah, I'm flying in the morning. But I mean, who cares? What, are you going to go out and go have fun? Are you going to be a bad boy? I don't really go out. Yeah, you do. Well, your family's not here. You're solo. Yeah, but I can't back out. What, are you going to go back to the hotel at 10? You'll be back by 10 o'clock and bed by 10? You mean like last night? Were you? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I'm back there just signing into the Netflix. Just don't forget to, I'm going to text you tomorrow and go, don't forget to sign out. Tonight, I'm supposed to like, see if I don't feel like I hit a wall. Like maybe just, I'll, maybe I'll, I'll be about town. Like, I'll do a dinner. I mean, you don't tell me what a good time. If you want to do a dinner again, I'll do a dinner. I don't care. But I'm not trying to put you on the spot because all your listeners now are listening and your viewers are viewing. And so if you say to me now that, you know, you want to go to a dinner now, you can't bail after that. Yeah, but how long is your other interview going to be? I'll be done by eight. Then it's 8.30 by the time you get there, we're eating at nine. Yeah. Listen to me. Something about a 9 p.m. dinner gets me a little. Me too. I'm like, I'm like, me too. That's past the. Me too. But you just told me to go out and go. I know, but not to start eating at nine. Start eating at nine. Yeah. You don't have this physique because you eat at nine. No. What do you stop eating at what? Four with that physique? Two o'clock. Two o'clock is dinner, dinner for you. I drink water until I go to bed. What time do you eat breakfast? I don't eat breakfast. Okay. So just two o'clock dinner, water for the rest of the day. Water all day. And then I can look like you? No. There's a lot of other things involved. Yeah. What other things? Well, we're in Hollywood. Okay. So I'll drink baby blood every first Tuesday of the month. Okay. And do we get that order in? And now you have a supplier? Yeah. You have a guy. Okay. I mean, I've been here for 20 years. Okay. Everybody has a guy. I only come like every once in a while, so I've never. Yeah. There's a pizza parlor. On Hollywood Boulevard that you have to go to to get it. By the way, this will get clipped and used in Illuminati. It will. And they're joking about it publicly. They're not even pretending to hide it. It's fucking insane. We're living in it. We're living in. That AI voice that they do. Oh my God. Yeah. Like that reads the things like comedian Andrews. And they're joking about it out loud publicly. I love when they do that. They try to do a clickbait and it's like something. And they put it in. They put like some ominous music under it, but nothing bad is happening. And people are like, all right, nice try with the music. But we're like, you're not going to get us to believe this. We are going to get to a place now. Context is gone. Nuance is gone. All of this stuff that we've said on these shows for the past 10 years we've been doing podcasts, 10, 15 years, it was 100% going to be used against us. There's no doubt in my mind. I know. At this point, there's no doubt that they will use this against us. They will use this against us in some fashion. Yeah. We've talked too much. Media literacy is dead. Thank you, McCone. He just took a class. At the buzzer, he comes in with something that profound. Yeah. He says that daily. Prior to that, you just got something stuck on your arm. You dropped a water bottle. Right. He's got a tattoo. He comes in strong at the end. He's got a tattoo of Che Guevara on his arm. Do you? No. Oh, okay. No, but he's that college guy. Che, Che, Che. I don't think you know that guy. But what I want to say is, yes, if you do, if you get on time, at least let's come say hi. I don't know if I can eat at nine, but just come say hi. Where are you going to be? In a store. Okay. What time are you going over there? I think my spot is at 9.15. Okay. I'll KIT with it. But afterwards, we can just do whatever. Oh, yeah? I won't eat, but we can go hang. Yeah? Okay. If you want to do that. Yeah. We'll do it like this. I'll just keep in touch with you as soon as that's over, let you know how I'm feeling, let you know what the deal is. Yeah, and if you feel like coming, fine. If not, fine. I might be with a couple of buddies. Nope. Yeah. You'll have to drop that weight. That'll have to go. Nah. No, not just the guy that hit your car, but I might be with a couple of other pals. I don't know. We'll see. The door dinger? Yeah, I try to. The dinger? I try to. You know, when it come in and out, I try and see everyone I can in like a minute, you know? It's impossible. Yeah. But you're doing your best. Yeah, I am doing my best. And that's the name of his tour, Doing My Best. Everything's Fine. Everything's Fine. Yes. It's one and the same, really. Everything's Fine Tour. Everything's Fine Tour is available. Tickets are on sale right now. Please go see Sal live. He is one of the funniest, sweetest, caring, and also true comedians that I know. Thank you, buddy. Truly. And his website is salvolcanocomedy.com. Yeah, I got- Which annoys me. You guys are- there's a bunch of you guys that have the comedy, but you can't- Sal Volcano was not taken. Somebody took it. How could that be? Well, I'm a very- I'm a huge- You know who took it from you? I'm huge. Well, that name is so Guido-y. You know who took that from you? The guy with the tattoo. Yeah, he came back. He took it. I got some big tits. That's it. I'll fucking block his career. I got the Chicago Theater on November 14th coming up, so I mean, I need- Chicago, come out. Show out. Tell them, because you're the guy. November 14th, Chicago Theater. Go see my boy. By the way, I'm coming back to Chicago Theater next year, but- I'll be doing it one at a time. I don't know when. No, no, no. I haven't planned it yet, but we're trying to get a date in the books for next year, but I'm nowhere near ready to go do theaters again. Okay. I'm not there. You just- you're all over the place. Yeah, mentally, physically. I know, I thought about that. A woman- I was working on this thing, and this- this girl came up to me. She came up to me very sweetly and said, I see you're eating alone. Would you like to join us? It was a very sweet gesture. Wow. Good for that person. I said, no, no, thank you. I'm okay. Thank you, though. But what I wanted to say was, if you heard what was going on inside this head, you'd know I'm very much not alone. I really want to- it is because as she asked me that i jokingly in my mind said we're not alone we're not alone my dear you may think i'm alone but this thing is spinning like wild but it was very nice of her shout out to that girlfriend it was very sweet and polite and it also made me feel like high school again like yeah like a high school movie where it's like i see you're eating alone come join our table yeah you know um which which never happened to me i will say i was very lucky i always got a table i always got a spot at the table yeah it wasn't a cool table yeah it was our table yeah but it was ours it was ours oh very quickly i'll say this story this reminded me of a traumatic moment in high school this was the craziest thing i've ever seen there were fights would break out in the cafeteria sometimes and everybody would stand up oh shit and it would be how brilliant and one time there was a fight and it was crazy and it was like i mean you saw this dude was like boom boom and there was someone down on a table and people stand up you can't see who he's i mean he's throwing haymakers from up here it's fucking 12 o'clock six o'clock it was nuts it was like bam bam and everyone's like holy shit holy shit and then uh uh did uh one of the gym teachers comes and a teacher comes and they fucking rip them apart and they rip this guy by his like a like a lion with its baby just rips him by the the chunk of his neck and then they pull this other person up and it was a girl oh my god i did not see that coming me neither oh my god literally audibly the everyone was like oh like because no one could tell who the fight you can't see what the hell was going on there you know honestly it was just a dispute i tried to hold it honestly i i don't know the two people that fought i never knew who they were our school was quite big i didn't know i went to an all boys i just so i wasn't even in my head there wasn't even a girl wasn't an option yeah but i couldn't believe when they lifted this girl up i thought oh my god oh my god what did she say but you didn't get to download after this we didn't know these people these were it was a it was a um uh sophomore you know okay they weren't in your class no yeah and brother we were huge my high school was like 3 000 kids oh mom was 300 yeah i wouldn't know 1200 300 my grade yeah i would have never known okay there's people that i went to school with that say they knew me and i still don't remember that i know them and that's not a disrespect i was like i don't i guess i don't remember for sure i don't remember much because high school was mostly alcohol and drugs really for me oh i was way late late with that i know yeah you've been a late i just started alcohol and drugs tonight today right today well yeah i mean it's a problem though it's a problem go see sal live yes beacon rhyman beacon december 27th beacon rhyman in april atlantic i did like 30 cities up i'm adding like another 30 i'm going all the way through 27 and my friends in chicago please go see my good friend sal that would mean the world to me if you go and sell out that chicago theater it's one of the best venues i think ever created al capone's booth go bless the booth when you walk by you've seen the booth no they've never taken you see that i i just shot a bunch of promos that i played the organ but i wasn't supposed to because it's a union thing and i didn't know yeah they'll sue you yeah they got you and you guys will fuck you up gotta be waiting with a cigarette out back being like shall you play the organ i love how is it touching our keys i love them without my approval did you have fun yeah we're fucking you if you're on stage and you're looking up it's that top right balcony corner booth is al capone's booth ask them about it they'll tell you the whole story oh awesome it's pretty oh i have to i didn't they'll they'll give you a whole uh rigmarole they give you the whole thing yeah man so that's it i got my special terrifieds on hbo max and uh i'm coming out with a new talk show called manoush manoush manoush uh short for manousha and that'll be out at the end of the fall beginning of the winter i'm doing like in 10 episode seasons so i'm shooting the first episode the first season now it's really really really big guests really really really small talk it's like it's gonna go in and out from like ridiculous conversation into sketch and back in and out of sketch and stuff so it's like without calling it out and this is on youtube it's gonna be on youtube on your channel on my channel on your channel yeah i'd love to have you on i'd be on in a heartbeat yeah look out for manoush yes i love you dearly looking at that camera to end the episode one word or one phrase whenever you're ready in here we pour whisk you're that creature in the ginger beard sturdy and ginger like vampires gingers are beautiful you owe me five dollars for the whiskey and 75 dollars for the horse gingers are hell no this whiskey is excellent ginger i like gingers