Sal Vulcano 4.0

This is episode of Sponsored by Helix Sleep. You go to helixleap.com, you take their sleep quiz, it takes like a minute, are you a back sleeper? Are you a backer side sleeper? - Side. - Same. - Funny you ask, okay? 'Cause I used to be a side sleeper on my life, but the last three weeks, both my sides hurt. I forced a sleeper on my back and I never could, and I'm doing it now. And the only reason I'm doing it now is because I'm on a Helix mattress. - Also, I've told you about this. Are you putting a pillow under your legs? - No. - I'm telling you, dad. - Put pillows under your legs, it puts pressure off your lower back. - I love Helix mattress. - They will mail the mattress to you. - Aunt Lauren has one. - Right. - Teddy got one. - Teddy got one. - We got one here and the guest room. - And the guest room. - People are loving their Helix. Mark, if you want to try one at your place, you get 120-day money back guarantee. Go to helixleap.com/tyso for 20% off site wide. - 20% set site wide, that's helixleap.com/tyso. - Helixleap.com/tyso for 20% off site wide. - You know what I mean. - What's the site? - Helixleap.com/tyso for 20% off site. - Alvin, I'll be right back. I love you so much. You're my best friend. - Oh fuck. - Arnold, dude, this movie's so good. And WC Fields, he's got good shit on there. And they had the Alpera, and we see this. (crowd cheering) - Front, two, three. Come here, come here. Let's go. - Okay. - I said, what are you doing? - Good to see you again. Long time no see. - Oh yeah. I missed your place. It's AKA the studio. - The music. (laughs) - Scoop, dude. - I'm really hot now. (upbeat music) - Blabberty blue, scoop, ding, oh yeah. - We're real hot now. - It's crazy because that made me hot now. - What a bummer. - This is the first problem we're inshorts on. - That's so beautiful out there. We got to take my legs out, but then I was like, all right, pale, weird legs and my inner thighs are gonna be on. - Well, you know, for your main shot, we're gonna, we could print that out. Yeah, oh yeah. - Oh, that's nice. Thank you. - Oh my goodness. - Let me see where you're gonna be. If you're ever focused here, we're the mic right there too, would you please? Zoom in on his cock and his legs and animate Mentos the fresh maker. Hey Rick I never get to see on stage you're bombing your present where can I go to see you? I've got a punch up dot live slash Rick Glassman to get tickets and to find out when I'm gonna be coming near your city Sign up for my mailing list. I'm not gonna spam me. I'm just gonna let you know when I'm coming within 50 miles of your city This much I've got a live slash Rick Glassman coming in. Oh Actually, they called the Guardians now. Oh, God it This episode is sponsored by Helix sleep Mark. Have you ever gone soft on a Helix mattress? No, that's too good. John and Niskey. Have you ever gone soft on a oh you've never been on a helix? You have a problem. You've been having some problems with your penis going soft. Yeah, you should try Helix Go to helixleap.com/tisow for 20% off site wide that's helix sleep.com/tisow for 20% off site wide Make sure you enter our show name after check out so they know we sent you that is everybody helixleap.com/tisow But special boy Is it memory foam I don't remember Salvo Conno, what do you think? Yeah, essentially right now promoting the tour and The minute minute, minute right Don't late fall early winter. Oh Can I give you a clip of us on there to play on this? Manoosh, oh wait, was that that was that me promoting my tour right now? It's over man. Oh, no, no, please Take it up. Bleep it. 40 cities. Bleep at all. Don't see your city check back notable upcoming show. What is this release? No Let me tap you tap that Glad I checked you know what unfortunately because we didn't have the audio you're gonna have to plug your tour again. Okay No problem. Okay I'm on tour and I'll school the everything's fine tour now if you've seen my special terrifying, which is now streaming on HBO Max In numerous times. Thank you so much. You know once you know once that's enough for me I've watched again because it's the only thing I have downloaded on my phone from YouTube So sometimes if I don't have any second time I want yeah, well, I had nothing I had nothing else to watch That's probably the only reason I'm still touched by an angel That's a great lyric right there. You were there for my incarceration. I want to show the nation my appreciation Yeah, you know, how do you relate to that? What makes you connect to that lyric so much? It wasn't me They should come it over dude I want to clear my schedule up so we can say I'm on the rest of the day You know what I was gonna suggest to you if you wanted to do an hour with me and then Leave and then come back later and we get stoned for the second part I can make that happen yeah, I could probably make it happen. I'd have to cancel on someone and Not a not a pod. I could go do the pod. I can come right probably back here by like in the six o'clock hour Wait, you know, I'll do the math room. We're off. I just gonna be because I have to go back to hotel pack my bad I don't want you to cancel it. Are you leaving tomorrow? I can no I have two red eye flights tonight I have a 10-30 and it's 12 because I didn't know what time I would end so I actually could What are you gonna do? Are you just gonna eat the the cost or are you gonna be canceled and get no? I'll just get credit because I use flights so you haven't checked in yet. I haven't checked into anything yet 10-30 and a 12 yeah That's like having a regular condom and a magnum condom in case like you really get a lot of oxytocin from the person That would make a difference. Yeah, sometimes sometimes Sometimes you can't get oxytocin you can't oxytocin yourself into a bigger condom absolutely really Yeah, it's not that much variance in in a critical mass Yeah, maybe I don't know what oxytocin at that line Okay, I'm at the line where like already a regular condom is uncomfortable because it's a little tight on me fantastic and a magnum condom is like How I would wear a suit before I knew how suits were supposed to fit how black athletes were suits in 2000 throw up a picture Yeah, you know I'm talking about. Yeah, it's how I still wear suits. What's that? When Carmelo Anthony and LeBron and them like you see they're like, you know, they're when they were drafted, you know The hat just looks like they're in beetle juice looks like Jim Carrier the mask Yeah, man to be black athlete in 2000, you know, it was that was it. There's nothing better We're still dressing that way at least I'm fucking that way Not like the athlete, but Do I really have to do my dates again or did you get those? Uh, I don't remember when you did it. I don't know what I did. It's a shit. Okay. Well my new my new talk show called minutious coming out you're on it You're one of the first guests and Thumb through adult magazine while listening to classical music fine, but um, I'm gonna have to take Adela and Alvin off my lap You think so I'm definitely gonna get a boner. Okay, especially if I'm listening to Wagner ladies is your shy mommies I'm not attracted to anybody I've seen so far Sorry buddy , so , so (bright music) I'll be taking you that one. Oh, baby, I'll be taking that one. And this one. Holy shit. I mean, that's the kind of thing you're going to get. And then that comes out late full. Yes. And that you're going to get that. Are you cutting every time you do that? All right. There's some allergies. Okay. And that's late full early winter, wherever you get pods, YouTube, YouTube, it's a visual thing. You're boring. When does this come out? When do you want it to come out? Okay. I have dates at the end of October. So I just don't know if I should plug those or-- Well, I go, man. And if it's-- And if it's-- And if it's-- Then people are like, oh, shit. Okay. I should have checked his site. You know what? That's a great for everybody else. Even if the show hasn't passed yet, you should check sales site. He keeps getting dates. By the way, while we're talking about dates being updated, mine too. And then you're like, oh, shit. Okay. You know what? Mine too. And I've been telling people to sign up for my no spam email list so I can let them know. I only email you if I'm going to be within 50 miles of your city. You go to punchup.live/reglasman. And if you do punchup.live/ravelcannot, you'll get that same treatment. So Portland, October 24th, Salt Lake City, October 25th, San Diego, October 26th. Moving on to November, we have the Chicago Theater. November 14th, Ableton, Wisconsin, November 15th. Let's go a little bit later now, holiday times. December 27th, the Beacon Theater, New York City. And now I have a couple of places. But it's funny. At this point, you're just taking advantage of the airtime. Okay. Because we'll put him up. Oh, terrific. Well, I'm touring all the way to 27. So if you don't see your city-- Well, you know what? --she'll check back. Tell us 2026. Okay. So there's just 60 cities in Texas. Do you want to read them? No, I won't do that. I won't do it. You can't make me-- Make your micro machine, you. What does that mean? This is the micro machine, man. Presenting the most miniature motorcade of micro machines. Each one has dramatic details. Terrific trim, precision, paint jobs. Plus, incredible micro machine pocket plates. That's perfect pocket portables. So take any place. And there are many miniature plates. Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. I was just going to turn you into a little car. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. How fast can you speak if you really want it to really let loose? How's your diction? On a scale of 1 to 10. I met the line where, like, already, a regular condom is uncomfortable. Is this a little tight on me? Fantastic. I guess it depends if I'm plugging my dates or if I'm singing "Rap God." Can you sing "Rap God"? I don't think I remember that. Good reference point. Thank you. What if a wheel out to pull up like a clip of micro machines and see if we can do it as fast as the guy? Or will you have to pay matchbox? Or whoever made that. Is it Mattel Hot Wheels? Is Hot Wheels a subsidiary of Mattel? I'm almost positive because I remember I went to an event once and a Halloween event. Ooh. I know, cool, right? Yeah. And that's my impression of a guy who's the only guy in the friend group that doesn't know one of his friends as a ghost, but everybody else knows. It's awesome, right? And at that event, I got a Halloween Hot Wheels. Now, also, this is one of the people at the event I know used to work from Mattel. So it could be a coincidence. It would be pretty spooky, wouldn't it? He knows. He knows. What was the name of the thing that, like, it's not a tricycle? It's not a tricycle. What was that called? Like, it's a kid's. Well, those are big wheels. Big wheels. No problem. Like, it's a big wheel. Proud Mary keeps on burning. Is that the lyric? For what? For what? Big wheels keep on burning. Oh, yeah. And we're rolling. Rolling. Rolling. Do you think people are still watching? I mean, do, do, do, do, do. Are people still watching this? They've tuned out. Good movie. tuned out. tuned in. They're remaking it. I don't know what tuned in is. Isn't that it? It's with John Ritter and the principal from who I think watched child porn or something? Allegedly. I shouldn't have said that. Allegedly. Beep. Keep principal. Okay. And bleep. And bleep. Bleep. With your beep. We shouldn't be throwing anyone. You know what? I wanted to press mute on my computer because it's making some noises. Okay. Who cares, right? I haven't heard them. Also, this is life. There's computers in life. I say that more than ever. Where we're filming on the show. Was that? Maybe you should put your headphones on. Maybe. But you don't have one. I'm following you. I could hear them. I just said now more than ever. And you don't have to put your headphones on, really. Thank you so much. What do you do about managing the shedding of the dog care? Buddy, this dog could take a dump in my mouth and I would just go brush my teeth. So what do you do for the managing of the dog care? What I'm saying is I'm not concerned about it. I haven't done any management about it. Okay. So when you go out, do you. I do use a lint roller on my clothes. That's it. That's all I was talking about. Yeah. When you said in your house, that was more picturing the place. Right. So all of this will have dog care on it. Yeah. But look, find some. Well, it's on me. For some reason, it just goes on clothes. Find some. Weird, right? I'm telling you. It is weird. He's just such a good boy. He's like, listen, I'm going to have to shut some of my. But I'll tell you what. I'll only do it on your clothes and I'll snuggle you for its own fair trade. Have you seen the secret life of pets? I don't think so. I could picture that. I said I was watching it because my daughter and it's fun. It's what happens when we leave. It's like Toy Story. The whole world out there. Yeah, it is. It's Toy Story for pets. Yeah. How's he doing? You tell me. It's cuteness, cuteness, everything. I love him so much. I'm ready for a wife. Really? He was the bridge? No. I just. Changing subjects. Okay. I was thinking about how I'm like, he's my little boy and I come home to him and he comes with me most places. Yeah. And you're talking about your daughter. How long do you leave him alone at a clip? Like, have you leave the house to run errands? He stays? So, I usually bring him. I sometimes don't if A, B or C, D. Okay. Which? All. Yes. So, if I. Oh, it's going to be inconvenient. I'm going to post off as I'm waiting in line and he's going to. Like this and he's going to want to say hi to people but not all people want to say hi to him. That's an example. Sometimes it's. Of when you leave him home. If I were to leave him home. Sometimes I'm going somewhere where I can't. It would be inconvenient to bring him because like. Let's say I'm doing a show and there's no green room. Right. Like, what am I going to do? I. Where are you going to do with him? Right. Sometimes. Oh, you bring him to green room when you're on stage for an hour? So, a lot of times. It depends on the venue. But a lot of times. Been. A lot of times? I must have said that wrong. Okay. Been a lot of times. Oh, Jesus. I did it again. Been. A lot on. Been a lot on. Yeah. I. If it's one show, like if it's on a Thursday. Maybe I'll leave him at the hotel. But if it's when it's double shows, I usually bring him. And there are sometimes where I want to bring him. But it's like, I've been bringing him everywhere with me. It's a bit codependent. Yeah. I could handle it. But. I didn't know anything. So, he stays here alone. So, I'll leave him here alone so he gets used to it. What about, like, do you have to. When do you walk and walk him to use the restroom? As opposed to. Is he used to. He knows the toilet or does he just. He could. Do a pad or what? He poops in the toilet. He can't pee in the toilet. Okay. Well, he tries to and he pees all over the place. Okay. In the bathroom. So, look, because when. Don't you have to walk him? I walk him four times a day. Right. So, how do you make sure you're home four times a day and live your life still? Well, if I'm sleeping here, two are already set. I wake up here. I go to bed here. Sure. There's already set. There are days where I only walk three times. Usually four, at least. That means I just have to get home during the day at some point. I don't have much of a social life. I record podcasts. I edit podcasts. I do stand-up shows. I eat food. I'm not exaggerating. 90% of my meals I eat on that couch. Yeah. Yeah. I feel it. It's in the air. I feel it. I know a catch has been eaten on a lot. Well, how could you tell? - I lived, I did that on a catch for nine years. I lived from 2001 to 2010. I had a small basement studio apartment. - One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. That's 10 years. - It was nine. - So from-- - You don't count one, right? 'Cause I moved there at one. So one to two is the first year. - You do, all of 2001? 2002. - No, I moved in in July, 2001. - Okay, and when did you stop in 2010? - July. - Right. - July, gotcha. - Mm-hmm. - No, 'cause I have had this, you know, I've thought, it's my life, you don't have to feel bad about it. I just-- - Bon Jovi. - Yeah, now and ever. I don't wanna live forever. I do. - I do what I don't. It depends on circumstances. It's more late of a nuance of a conversation. I'm ready to have now. - Rick. - Student, Rick, a studio basement apartment. Wingsworth. - Wingsworth. - Wingsworth. - Suddenly, huh? - Sorry, I'm just talking. - My dad, if you have headphones on, maybe. - Yeah, okay. - It does help for a little throwaways. I get it, but you're-- I don't love how it's stretching the headphones. - Okay. - We-- - Okay. - It's a great bit. - It was a good bit. - But they're also great headphones. - You changed. - Fuck, yeah. So my dad got me like a three-seater, a two-seater, and a one-seater as a gesture, 'cause I moved down to the house and I put it in there and it took up everything. And I was like, I'm not gonna like shoehorn a bed in here now. So what I did was I said, I'm not gonna be here long. I'll sleep on the couch and then I slept on the couch for nine, nine years. - Well, I was talking about eating on the couch. I didn't realize you were sleeping. - Well, that was everything. It was like a Swiss army couch. I mean, that was my, I ate just like that. That was where I-- - Did you open bottles on it? - If you knew what you were doing. (laughing) - Just let this off, go ahead. - It took skill. - Remember when Swiss army knives were like, you gotta get a good one? - Yeah, I got mine. I have two still having this day free from Marble Roe Miles. Do you remember that? - No, I didn't smoke, but I did get-- - How'd you get the Marble Roe Miles? - I did, but that's not how I got my miles. I spoke for a hotman. I worked at a delicatessen and I sold sigs. And when people bought them, I said, can I have your miles? And they would just give them to me. And I also found out later-- - Come on, Evan. - I also found out later. - Come on, kill me, son of a gun. - Yes, come on, come on. That Marble, I'm having trouble with the Marble Roe. - You know what you mean? - Marbs, right? - That's the sixth part of New York, right? - Yes, sixthsboro. - The sixthsboro. They didn't check. - Can you believe it? - Didn't check what? - They didn't count the miles toward what you ordered. So you were allowed to order 10 or 12 items and then you can send any amount of miles and they would process it. And you were allowed to order up to two of everything. So I just got a bat. I had a lot of miles admittedly, but I sent in like a couple thousand and ordered hundreds of thousands worth of miles. And I did that for every catalog for about seven or eight years. I had hundreds of high-end Marble Roe sponsored items and I got it every single year. I mean, I had everything. Poker tables, pool cues, tents, lanterns, radios, card, jumpstart, the card, things. I had, I mean, Parkas, I'll keep going. I had luggage. I had, I mean, if you pulled up the marker sets, everything you could think of Marble Roe. Jackets, t-shirts, and the clothes, forget it. It was like nothing. And I always went for the most expensive things. I had Swiss Army knives, Swiss Army watch. - You could open a bottle on it? - No. If you knew what you would do. And I knew it only had to get two of, so I got two of the most expensive things that they offered. And I maxed out at like 10 or 12 items every single year. And I did it for many, many, many, many years. Yeah, it was crazy. I guess they just didn't, they didn't count the miles. I don't know why, but they didn't. - They were too busy smoking. - And I told that to a lot of people and those people also benefited from that. - Wow. - Yeah, I wonder if that's why smoking's not cool anymore. - That's why the prices went up. And also, search in general, smoking, I'm gonna tell you something to people who don't know. Smoking is not bad for you. I had pillaged so much Marlboro gear for so many years it shifted the industry. And they wanted people to stop purchasing cigarettes because they were basically getting looted. And so someone kind of the surgeon general's here and he put out a warning, that's bad for pregnant. But if you're not pregnant, it's actually good for you. And they put this misinformation out because I was basically, I had too many items and goods and stuff of that nature. And so I'm letting this out now. This has been on the locking key for decades, but maybe if you wanna put on the Patreon, I don't know. - How long did you smoke for? - I smoked for, I will call it 10 years. - So 11. - And I quit. - Yeah, so you smoke for 10 years now. I'm just offering some perspective, you're 19 years old. And you look a little older. Do you think that could have something to do with the smoking? - Hmm, no. Next question. I collected fruity pebbles UPCs and submitted them and got enough to get universal product codes. - Yes. - And got enough for this box that has stationary and pencils and erasers and stuff. And my parents are selling my childhood home. I'm pretty bummed about it. Yeah, you came to visit recently. - Yes. - A couple times. - Yes, I've slept over. Sleepover series for real, man. I love you, friends. I thought of them today. I was actually, I meant to message them because I knew I was coming here, so they were on my mind. And I wanted to drop them online and just see how they were doing. And it got away from me. But I will do that today. - So in the basement, I found that box. And I remembered how much I loved it. And on it, it says this box belongs to. It's a sticker and then you write your name. I was young and my mom has good handwriting. So I asked if my mom would do it. And I remember being over her shoulder watching her write my name to make sure that it was like done. And she did a good, and I remember looking at him like it looked so good. Like the Rick Glassman looked so good. - Yeah. - What a box. - Did you not bring it with you home? - You know, there's so much stuff to get rid of. - I don't mean to interrupt you, but am I being filmed here because I gotta be careful then. - Buddy, what we do on the take your shoes off podcast is if we see something that we think the other person doesn't want, we either ask or just by default blur. - Okay. - There's a little fail. - Are you afraid of showing cock and balls? Are you afraid of just showing too much leg? 'Cause you have nice legs? - Yeah, no, I don't think I'm gonna show you. - You don't have smokers legs. - No, well, my legs didn't smoke. My legs are smoking. I watched the mask actually. - I was thinking that's not the same smoking. - Yeah, two nights ago, I watched it. I've been doing this thing now where I, instead of new, I'm just trying to-- - Watching the mask. - Old classics and see if they hold up or things I should have seen and haven't. I watched Moonstruck on the plane, have you seen? - I don't remember it very well, but I will tell you this. It's my wallpaper on my computer 'cause we referenced Moonstruck once and for some reason the files on my computer, I don't know if it was named something similar to what my desktop wallpaper is supposed to be or my login, my login, it's a picture of Tom Hanks and what's your name? - Well, - Share. - Well, Tom Hanks wasn't any, but you're not Moonstruck that. - Shares, isn't it? - Yeah, shares Moonstruck. - Yeah, but let me tell you something around, unbelievable. You have to watch, I forgot. I don't know if I ever saw it and if I did, some parts of it felt familiar, but I wasn't, I definitely didn't appreciate or recall how off the wall it is. I thought it was gonna be a typical-- - Sharing, it's not Nick Cage, is it? - It is. - Yeah, I don't, I, - Stiny Aiello. - Is that where he's in the-- - No, it wouldn't be a deconcus. - No, it wouldn't be a deconcus. - For reason that he's in a deli, - Yes. - Early kitchen yelling. - Yes. - No, but if you don't recall what it is, it's like the most absurd thing, like it's not meant to be taken serious, like it is, but it's like, I thought it was just gonna be a typical romantic comedy, like Italian blah blah blah. It's not bad of it, but it's lunacy. And it was, I was laughing out loud on the plane. And that's a movie that's 70, 80, a couple hundred years old. I watched the mask, didn't hold up, but I didn't expect it to. But it was, that, I mean, but you do have an appreciation for what he did in it. But it was like the, I mean, the, it was, it felt like a first pass of a draft of a script. - Question for you. - Yeah. - Did the beauty of Cameron Diaz hold up watching it now as it did when you watched it the first time? - It did, it should. - That was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen at that time. - Same. - And that's not even really, if I have a type, that's not even it. But I remember like, everything, I remember, I was like, humming a humming, like he is another thing, you know. And then I was looking, that was one of the first things. I was like, let me see if it, like what I remember in my head. And it's like, wow, she's, she's really something else. She's starting, I think she's particularly young in it. - Yeah, I think she's like 19 or 19 when she was cast. That's the number I had in my head. - But, she doesn't look it, but-- - And when watching it, we're-- - With that age. - I'm too. - We're grandfathered in. Yeah. - Yeah. - It's kind of like thinking about, you know, technically I've slept with one, I know at least one under age girl. - Because in your life too, you were too though. - Correct. - Right. - Is it a good mattress? - Yeah, it's very good. - Is he Alex? - Oh yeah. - This episode is sponsored by Helix Sleep. - When you go to sleep on a mattress, do you like to sleep on your back or your side or your front? - I'm more on my front, sometimes my side. - Do you like a firm mattress? Do you like it really soft? - I like somewhere in between. - Do you run hot, will you sleep? Do you get cold? - I run hot. - How long did it take you to answer those questions? - Seconds. - Go to helixleap.com/tisonow for 20% off site wide and take that sleep quiz. Let them know, they'll recommend a mattress, they'll send it to you. To you. Let's say you don't like it, you want to send it back. You have 10 days to try it. That's more than a week, not bad, right? I'm fucking around 100 days. - No way. - 100 day money back guarantee. You could get the mattress sleep on it for three months and send it back and I'll get the credit. Why don't you just do that? Go to helixleap.com/tiso for 20% off site wide and make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you. You know, I sleep on a lot of things, but the one thing I won't sleep on is this deal. What do you think about that, Mark Norman? - Hey, you know, don't sleep on Bill Cosby. - Okay, what do you think about that John? - The good deal, sorry. - I'm blown away. I can't believe the things you're telling me about helix. - Do you have specific sleep issues there? - Promotional issues that your helix mattress has helped address. Honestly, I used to sleep on a mattress where when I would make love to a woman, not make love necessarily, but I'd have sex with a woman. I was, 'cause I wasn't connected enough, I was just a long time ago, but I was in my head and I was worried about performance. Now, I'm telling you the truth and maybe everyone's lying to me, but I guess I only fuck great actresses because every woman I sleep with on a helix mattress cannot stop coming. Back to helix sleep.com/tisodog. You get 20% off their site, what about that? - Promocoges. - All jokes aside though, we love a helix. - Oh yeah. Can't get enough of it. - So if you're not looking for a mattress, don't worry about this. If you're looking for a mattress, give it a try. And if not, you'll come pick it up from you risk-free. - Here, here. - Here. You go to helix sleep.com, you take their sleep quiz, it takes like a minute, or you go back sleeper, or you go back your side sleeper. - Side. - Same. - Funny you ask, okay, 'cause I used to be a side sleeper on my life, but the last three weeks, both my sides hurt. I've forced a sleeper on my back, and I never could, and I'm doing it now. - No. Put pillows under your legs. It puts pressure off your lower back. - Right. - Teddy got one. - Teddy got one. - Here and in the guest room. - Here and the guest room. Mark, if you want to try one at your place, you get a 120-day money back guarantee. Go to helixleap.com/tyso for 20% off-site-wide. - 20% set-site-wide, that's helix-leap-dead-slash-tyso. - helixleap.com/tyso for 20% off-site-wide. - What's the site? - helixleap.com/tyso for 20% off-to-site. - I'm actually technically I'm two days older than her. You two days older than that. - Yeah. My first girlfriend, we both had sex before we were 18. I think that's the only time I've ever had sex with somebody under 18. - That's interesting. Let's say your next girlfriend, I was 19. I don't know. I don't know if she was, I think she was 18. - Wait, that's interesting. Let's say you're like your girlfriend's a year older than you. What happens like, what about the law? - I think the way it works is, and I don't like to talk about the law because the law says a 50-year-old could fuck an 18-year-old, and I think it's too, that's, no, no. - Right. - But makes sense to me and also might be the law. I think 16 and 18, right? And then 19 and 17, I think that's how it works. Like, if you're 18 and your girlfriend is 16 or if you're 16 and your girlfriend is 18, or your boyfriend, you know, or whatever the other, if you're a 16-year-old boy and you want to have sex with an 18-year-old transsexual woman, or a certain sexual man, or are there any other ones? They're neither. It's a, you know, they identify, it's none of your business. - Right. - I think that's okay. I think you're allowed that. - Okay. - But then if the trans turns 19 and you're still 16, I think you're just allowed to blow and suck each other or eat out. - And that's in the book. That's in the book. - That's in my book. - Okay. - That's in your new book. And when is that coming out? - I'm still like, it's like, I mean, if I were the mask, I would put it out now, but I'm one draft in. - Okay. - It's basically book on dating and eating out people. - Okay. - And there's a little bit on like, if you're eating out a trans person, you might be a redneck. - Or you might not be. - Right. - Like why do we have to decide if you're a redneck or not based on who and how you eat out? - I don't, I don't, I don't subscribe to that. - Well, I always thought that was just Jeff Foxworthy that did, but. - Well, you could subscribe to my email list to find out when I'll be in your city by going to punch up that live-slash-right-glass one. There's no spam. Just I'll let you know if I'm coming your city. And to be honest with you, I sometimes drop the ball and forget to tell people until like the day of, I'm like, hey guys. I'm here and there's still some tickets left. - Yeah. And that's fine. No one's perfect. No one's said you weren't. You shouldn't carry that. - So you can eat them out if they're. - We're just thinking about my set. (laughs) You really should come to a show. It's been going great. What were you saying? Sorry, my headphones weren't on. - No, no, it's fine. What I was saying was if you, if you're a 16 and you eat yourself out at 18. - Like what that guy did? - Yeah. - What was his name? Like if you are. - What's his name? - Who took out his ribs so we could eat himself out? - Marilyn Manson. - Marilyn Manson. - Did he do that? - He took out his ribs so we could eat himself out. - Get the hell out of here. - Do you not remember that rumor? - It's not true, but everybody all around, except for you knew that Marilyn Manson took out a ribs so we could blow himself out. - I heard a rumor. You don't know that one. They say you got a broken heart. I didn't hear that, but I was at a party with him. - Maybe it's so on your headphones. - I'm sorry. (laughs) - I heard a rumor. - When he took out his rib. - Yeah, I remember now. - You had a party with him? - He was at a party that I was at. - Are you sure it was really him? - Oh, it was him, yeah, it was him. And he took toilet paper out of the bathrooms. - So he could blow himself. - And yeah, 'cause he didn't want to come in as well. - Yeah, well, I mean, that I don't know, but like. - The rumors and stuff that kids talk about. I guess I still do. Just like that kind of stuff. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know? - Yeah. - Sorry, go ahead. I don't know, please. - What were you saying? - I was at a party with him. He took the toilet paper out of the bathroom, and then he was in the Hollywood Hills, and then he was in the hills here somewhere, and then he went to the thing, and he was throwing toilet paper off the mountain. He did that. Can you believe it? - Yes. I don't know much about him. - Yeah, that's all I know. I didn't even know about it. And he blew himself with the ribs. He blew his ribs, right, he said? - No, he took it, the rumor was. - He took out a ribbon bluet. - No, no, he took out a rib, because if you can't blow yourself, because apparently according to this rumor, your ribs might be in the way. - I keep hearing this buzz, and I don't want to buzz. So I'm trying to-- - Well, is it Josh? - Oh, I'm here. Yes, it is. No problem if you want me to just hold on. This was Josh, and this was Josh. - It was nine minutes ago. - A buddy, Josh Nasser. Shout out to Josh Nasser for his Instagram handle up here. - Yeah. - He has a coffee. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Tell me. - I'll go get it for him. - In the meantime, plug your 20-26 dates. (laughing) - Oh, can I ask you, wait, all right. Oh, we gonna go down for a second? I'll come back and I'll get back into it. - We're still going, so. - Oh, you are? - Yeah. - Let me, let me just see something here. I'm gonna start naming unannounced dates, even. How about that? January 9th, Houston, January 10th, Atlanta, January 11th, Orlando, January 30th, Las Vegas, January 31st, Colorado Springs, February 1st, Austin, Texas, February 7th, Niagara Falls, February 19th, Asheville, North Carolina, February 20th, Greensboro, North Carolina, February 21st, Columbia, South Carolina, February 22nd, Charleston, South Carolina. Don't you touch that dial. I have more dates coming your way. February 28th, Atlantic City, March 5th, Elkhart, Indiana, March 6th, Lafayette, Indiana, March 7th, Cincinnati, Ohio, March 27th, Rochester, New York, March 28th, Albany, New York, yes? - I think this part out for real. - March 27th, Rochester, New York, March 28th, Albany, New York, March 29th, Binghamton, New York. Is your city going to be named? Stay tuned. April 10th, Paduca, Kentucky, April 11th, Lexington, Kentucky, April 12th, the Nashville, Ryman. April 30th, Oklahoma City, May 1st, Wichita, Texas, May 2nd, Kansas City, Missouri, May 15th, Pensacola, Florida, May 16th, Florida, Florida, May 17th, Fort Myers. June 12th, Omaha, Nebraska, June 13th, Sioux Falls, San, South Dakota, not San Diego. June 14th, Rock, Chester, Minnesota, and that's all I have for right now. But, I don't know, December 27th, the Beacon, Chicago, to November 14th. I don't know, I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to kill some time while I'm here. Rick goes downstairs but hey let's all play a game on Rick when he gets back okay no matter what he does the next time he says something funny nobody laugh and let's just see what happens okay and don't laugh guys don't runes for me okay so the next time he makes a joke radio silence let's see if he can catch on and see what's going on okay here he comes here comes here comes don't laugh hey thanks so much is he not thank you I feel so he just dropped it off and that's it and then you just and he's not coming all right this didn't have to happen I feel bad that we interrupted everything but my 2026 dates out there for now and if you didn't see your city I'm adding all the time and going all the way to 2027 but you think he's gonna come in I didn't know I would like him I was thinking about we should like when it maybe when he comes picks you up we let him in I just didn't set up another microphone no I don't I don't it's not hard to do I don't whatever it works I shut off the vibrating so this is my fourth time on the pop we did it we did a thing backstage one time but I think that I probably was not not good yeah I think I think if I haven't yet I don't think I did I should export it because we edited it you mean Jay Larson on your Arizona show yeah yeah there's like a half-hour episode I'm putting on patreon okay trend.com/ thank you she's off have you seen this band they did a performance on lettering and apparently it's a very well-known performance that really made waves and I only just discovered it and it was really something else have you heard of this band Future Islands you know those before and sometimes yes dude oh from like Wolf of Wall Street no he does it isn't Wolf of Wall Street Mark Wahlberg also does that in fear you like pounds his chest he has a black and blue to fake something I don't remember something rather Lissa Melana was in fear anyway if you haven't seen this I recommend you to watch it I wish we could watch it now together here but it doesn't you know you can't I'm sure you can't it's copy written it's really a moving like real moving performance like I actually like it's it's so intriguing it's like this guy he's the frontman of this band Future Islands I've never seen anything like him he's first of all he's dancing in the beginning it's his very very unique dancing that you like it catches your attention right away then he starts singing and this man emotes in a way that I've never seen a lead singer a moat in my life and he he sings he snarls and he gets deep but the song is like DMX the powerful in a way kind of like almost like screaming J Hawkins you know that is that's the guy that discovered time travel no that's his cousin this was his another guy and he just he was he just a singer but you ever hear him do a copy of I put a spell on you probably because you're my I don't know it's great I put a spell on you yeah yeah it's such a that version is the version screaming J Hawkins dude we should I should maybe bring that blanket over a little bit closer to you so it's in frame more and you could show the blanket maybe sure the top of it to the pumpkin and we could then like Hocus Pocus it because remember they I say up or five up or baby up or die he's I'm a him I'm a say bye bye I'm high when they put the spell on everybody the movie Hocus Pocus yeah I haven't seen it you're kidding we're counting a Jimmy is that the girl from sister act yeah yeah it's Dan Finnerty's wife from the Dan band I'm not sure you'd love music he's different than my size oh but Carrie Bradshaw is in it and I was focused yeah yeah and so is um uh the I either like saw when I was younger I don't know the reference but I apologize bra yeah that's uh that's that's a Halloween movie oh sorry I'll hold on just one second okay you look like a DJ masturbating when you did I would like for you especially to watch the um performance of the yeah well when you were describing the dancing and stuff we did put up a picture and picture just no sound so people can see what you're talking about I'll I'll check it out if I remember and there's a great chance I'll remember like that's what I'm saying yeah you'll set it and and dude I watch it and I was just like by the end of it I was like moved and this is a letter of importance I did I actually got tears on my eyes like I didn't cry but I got like well like it's such a powerful what's that so sorry it's it's such a powerful performance it's good it's guttural and he's like pounding his chest and singing thank you and I was like how have I never I would be floored if he did it he doesn't do things that I wouldn't think he would do all right do you love him good come on oh my god come come come hey it's oh my god he's perfect good good okay okay all right and now I know how you feel inside because um that's how I feel about my children and he's like a child I know he's like the closest thing you have to a child yeah you know I I don't know if the episodes out yet but I did an episode with I was a Kristen Bell episode and he before Kristen got here Alvin was I mean similar to I guess how we thought Marilyn Manson would do it he was looking as cock yeah and the sounds of him looking as well by the way he'd rather move a rib no he had dogs could do it without moving a rib and just the sound of the way he licks his dick I love I love it so sweet sweet sound yeah well I have to use the boom audio to pick that up I don't love the sound of people chewing in fact I hate the sound of people chewing but when little cute animals are chewing or even licking their cock I love the sound of it I really do and there's nothing sexual about it to me like I don't think he's licking his cock to come Jesus I sound like my mother okay um what I was kind of getting that is I'm so excited to be back I wish I was on more often back here yeah because I love being on this show but if when you're in town again we talked about this is just the timing didn't make it happen but come on and just be my the resident co-host oh god I would love that I would love it I can I can I'm gonna be back in 10 days and I do have time on one of the days I'm gone for a couple weeks oh when I'm leaving I'm not gonna be back until the end the end of the first week of November the end yeah I get back on the fourth okay when do you leave early next week okay so you're not here at the 21st no okay all right but I will be in New York in New York concrete jungle where things are made of dreams right things are made of concrete or dreams are made of concrete dreams you're right I always knew it was dreams I switched it only just now sorry concrete jungle where dreams are made of there's nothing you can't do you forgot the word was do you wait for me to say that you can't it's like when people are singing happy birthday nothing you can't be when people are singing happy birthday and you don't know the person's name and you say once they start it how scared of you on a scale of 1 to 10 of freaking people's names of calling someone the wrong name when you don't really know why I'm not scared of doing it because I have to know if I'm gonna say their name I don't I don't assume right okay because I am scared of them finding out I don't know their name okay let me let me put contextually different like you're in a scenario where you like okay maybe someone you don't know but someone that they don't know each other and like you're in a three-way circle here and that you know this person and you know this person they don't know each other and are you just gonna wait for them to introduce each other uh you you you pick what's your name you think you're you're more confident on well by the way have you met everybody Sal right and say oh hey I'm Sal you go hey I'm a comment I do that but I feel like it's transparent yeah yeah but it is what it is but also they're thinking he doesn't know I don't know that you know like not sure yeah can't prove it not in court yeah can't prove it in court and then so that means I'm not going to jail I know in any given moment, 30 names and 30 faces. And if I meet somebody new, somebody got bounced out of my head. - Oh, is that right? - Yeah. - Well, no way. - Yeah, I'm so bad at it, I'm so bad at it. I met somebody, there's a guy that I know. - Prove it. You have to just believe me. You might know him. And I've been to his house a couple times. I met his wife a few times. And then I met a comedy show. And I see this woman who I'm a meet a woman who knows who I am. And I can't pinpoint who she is, but I recognize I should. And then I see her with this guy next to each other. And that contextualized, I go, oh, I know her. I'm glad I figured it out before it. It was obviously I didn't know. Then later in the night, I meet another woman who's doing the same thing. And like, I don't know who this person is. And then later I see her with that same guy. And she goes, that's the same woman from an hour ago. - She changed her outfit. - No, okay. She put on the fake mask. - Nothing changed. - I just, she was number 31. - No. - Yeah, and I was able to like, oh, okay. - It was the same woman, the same night. - You unrecognized her? Interesting. - I'm really bad with that. - Okay. - Who am I? - Haha, I know who you are. - I don't know. - Well, you're just gonna have to trust me. - Okay. - Yeah, but what if you meet 30 new people and then you don't know why? - That's the thing. It's like a black mirror. - When you meet people. - Yeah. - You don't have to meet them with the idea of like, I'm gonna memorize your face and name. I have allowed myself that. I don't even ask a lot of the times. - Yeah. - I don't say what's your face? - I hope that I'm like most people in that, if not, I feel bad about it. In that, I think my dad's like this, but if you say to me, hey, how you doing? I just meet someone and I don't know, immediately, don't know. And it's not because I don't want on that. - You're saying you don't know what? You forgot the name, right? - Yeah, all right, immediately. Like, if one person, three people, what have you, they just told me. And so sometimes now I'll be bold enough to be like, I'm so sorry, your name again, after they told me 30 seconds ago. And then I still forget it. - You have to associate. It's the only way you could do it. - Yeah. - So give me an example, like. - Ready? - Yeah, introduce yourself. - Hey, I'm Jasper. - Jasper. - Jasper, nice to meet you, I'm Rick. - Hi, Rick. - In my head, I now remember Casper. - Yeah, I said Jasper because I thought, I would give you a layup and I thought you'd pick Casper. - And if it's tough. - Yeah, but now how do you remember Casper? - 'Cause I could pick your Casper. - Okay, I'd do it again. Okay, ready? Wait, let me think of a good name. - Sure. - Okay. Okay, ready? - Yeah. - Hi, how are you? I'm Farrell and Fenro. - Farrell and Fenro, that's an interesting name. I don't think I'll remember both. I'll remember Fenro, I think, 'cause of Marilyn Monroe. - Oh. - So I'll think of Monroe. - Oh, that's, okay, Marilyn Monroe. - And I might just call you Monroe. If that's okay until we get to know each other better. - Okay, so Farrell and Fenro, you remember as Marilyn Monroe. - I pick the one that I could associate. - Monroe, okay. - Interesting. - And I'll say that. What if you don't have anyone to rhyme like that? - Is that you? The call's coming from inside the house right now. - If that don't have anything. I met a woman who was working at a hotel, I was staying at. And it was such an interesting name that I said to her right away, I don't, I didn't even have to remember a name, but I don't think I can remember, I guess I can remember 'cause this, 'cause this is this, I don't remember what it is now. - Yeah. - You know, it was number 32. - Yeah. - And, but I went to walk the dog and I came back in and I remembered it. And she's like, "Yeah, and people normally don't remember." 'Cause it was like something, I don't remember. - Right. - It was tough. - Yeah. - But like, that's it. But usually it's not that. It's how you do it on Marcus. - Right. - And I think, okay, gladiator. - I was thinking Marcus Lomonas. - Yeah, you could, that's the thing. - But I won't remember that. - All right, how are you doing? I'm Michael Jackson. Now, what do you do there? - Is that really your name? - My name's Michael Jackson. - Can I see it on your ID? - I'm not comfortable with that. - All right, I'll just take it for what it is. - Michael Jackson. - How do you remember? - I'll remember that. - Okay, because I'm Michael Jackson. - Because I'm picturing Michael Jackson. - Fair. You know what I think of a lot? Okay, ready? - Okay. - Oh, this is good. - You often ask if I'm ready. Do people not ready around you or is this you dipping a toe in for you? - I don't know. It's just the moon I'm in right now. I don't think I do it all the time. You called out, I didn't even realize I was doing it. - Hold on one sec. - You got me excited. - One sec? - Ready. - Okay. I try to think of, like, okay, ready? Let's say I'm going into check into a hotel. And I am either a spy or, like, I'm gonna do something later that I don't want someone to remember me, right? I try to think, what is the most forgettable thing I can say as a name? Where is, if then the authorities came to the clerk and they said, we're looking for a guy that just checked in. Do you remember what his name was? They'll forget. Is it a difficult name? - There's an idea. It's a simple name. - It's a little up from simple. - I know. And so I'm always playing with this. And I always talk myself out of them. - Do you always give a fake name? - They'll remember it. Oh no, I do give it. I, this isn't really, I have a name that I use that's not my name when I'm checking into places and stuff like that. But I just mean, like, in a general sense, I just mean, like, when someone, like, in this little fun hypothetical where I, like, I don't want to be caught by the authorities. What's the best first and last name I could say that you just won't nail it down and can't remember it? And I honestly, I've never found the right, I think about this all the time, and I never, I'm like, no, that's no good. They're gonna remember that, you know? - Does it have to be first and last name? Or could it just be first name? - No, first and last. I'm checking into hotel. Like, it's first and last. That's the challenge. And sometimes I think, oh, maybe a little deviation. Like, Craig, 'cause it could be like, was it Greg? Was it Craig? - Right. - Sometimes I'm like, let me think of a last name you can't even hardly pronounce, 'cause then they won't be able to, but that's still gonna really kick in their memory. - Well, I know, I have a name. - You do. - Yeah. - Okay. - Ben Haper. - Ben Haper. What is that? Where did you get that from? You've thought of this game? - No. - Oh, you thought of it right now? - You're saying it like, what would it be? - Ben Haper. So you don't think, Haper is good because it's simple, but I don't think I have ever heard the name Haper before. So that's good. Ben-- - Smith is two, obviously, eight. - It's two, you get John Smith. - They're gonna remember all of that guy's name was John Smith. But then you don't wanna be like Enrico Palazzo, either, right? - Yeah, from Nicky Gunn. - Yeah, do you remember? - Of course. Laugh out loud, no matter how many times I watch it. - Holds up to this day. I saw that two days in a row in the movie theater. There's only like five, four movies in my life I've done that with. - You're saying the original one? - I saw two days ago. - I hold you. - I was in grammar school. My grandma took me. - Yeah. - And then-- - We didn't smoke that much. - My grandma took me, which is funny because there's a scene, but like if you remember he's on the balcony and the naked statues out on the building, he's like on the window sills. And he like moves it with his arm and the penis goes up and there. And he has a dildo in his head. I remember being like, oh boy. But um-- - The umpire scene at the end when he's singing the stars playing with a bunch of bombs in the air. - A bunch of bombs in the air. And then when he calls a strike and everyone likes it. So now he's-- - He's standing here, you know, he's so into it. - Before it gets that. - Dude! - Then he's doing splits back in the back. - Yeah, dude. - A tiger attacks the guy in second place. - I remember that. - When they start showing the montage of the highlight reel. - I believe you. - I believe you. - Guys, why is it in the second and a full grown tiger attack? One guy's head pops off when he's trying to rob a homer. It's the funniest movie ever. - Yeah. - But okay, so Ben, Ben he-- - Ben, I think Ben, single syllable. I don't know, you have Ben, her, Ben, heip. - Yeah. - Okay, Ben heip is not Ben. I mean, I, but I often, I've never landed on something. I always talk myself out of it and say, "Now they're gonna get you, the cops are gonna get you." - David Brinn. - David Brinn? - Sure. - Brinn or Brinn? - Exactly. - David Brinn. - Greg Ben. (laughing) - Why is that so funny? - It's almost like, is that a one name or two? Greg Ben. - Greg Ben. (laughing) - Greg Ben is funny. - Greg Ben is funny. - No, Brinn. - Oh, Greg Brinn. - Brinn. - Brinn. - Greg Brinn. - Greg Brinn. - Just don't worry about it. - Okay, but you know, yeah, but you know, that might be a little bit, yeah, but that might be a little bit like-- - But Greg Brinn, what does it ask? Whatever they ask, just say yes to it. So they think they got it right. - Okay. - It could be Greg Brinn. - And actually-- - Greg Brinn or Greg Brinn. This people I know, Greg Greg Brinn and Brandon, this people I know to this day, I won't say they name out loud because I don't know if it's-- - A lot of people call Brentmore and Bret. - Brentmore and Brentmore and, right. - Yeah. - How about that, Brentmore and-- - That's pretty good. That's pretty good. - Yeah. His name goes together though. It flows nice Brentmore and, like, it goes really-- - You know what he calls his fans? - Morons. - The Morons. - The BMO heads. - The BMO heads? - For BMO heads. - Oh, BMO. (laughing) - That's funny. - I call mine the Glassman Boppers. - Yeah, the Boppers. - The Goblins of the Boppers. - Goblins are people who are a fan of the podcast. Glass and Boppers are people who are a fan of mine. You could be both. - I am. (laughing) - That's what I am. (laughing) - So did you get all your 20, 20, 26 dates out there? - I did. - What I have booked right now. But I think like no joke, like 20 of them are not even announced yet. So I said them. - Saturday. - Cat out of the B. - So October 30th at Gotham Comedy Club and November 1st, I'm at the Bell House in Manhattan and Brooklyn. - I have that in my calendar, actually, 'cause you're gonna come to any of them. You wanna do a little spot? - Of course I do. - You wanna close the show out? - Yeah, so October 30th, I would. - Or you wanna go up earlier. - Oh, whatever you want from me. - October 30th, you said you're aware? - Gotham in Manhattan. - Oh, you are? - Yeah. - Oh, I didn't know that. I just have a Bell House in Brooklyn on the first. I'm like, well, I'm there, let me do another show. - Okay, so let me put you down here. - I have you at the Bell House. Let me put that down. - In the 30th, I'm not doing it. 31st, I'm not doing a show because it's Halloween. - What are you gonna do? You're in town. You wanna be with me? - Yeah, I'm gonna be in town. I'm thinking about going a little bit earlier too. I'm like, maybe be there for a week. - Are you kidding me? - Dude, what are we talking about here? - You know what's cool? - Let's get, let's do this. - I've had people message me who only know that I'm gonna be there somehow, I guess, 'cause I probably know my dates. I'm like, hey, I see you gonna be in New York at this date. You wanna do the show and the show and stuff, and I'm like, dude, it's still, I know, it's not that new to me anymore. It's still kind of is, but I've been doing this for so long and it's always so hard to get spots. And the fact that people are reaching out to me from New York, because how do they even know I'm gonna be there if it weren't for me promoting spots I'm doing and asking me to do the show, it feels so cool. - Cool, yeah, I love it, it's awesome. - Yeah, I'm gonna be there. Let me know if you wanna do the other thing right now. I wanna do spots and/or meals. But I'm saying, yeah, level two spots together or I can get you on some shows. New shows that you haven't heard of. - Great, new shows, meals. Left two, you wanna do another one? - I'll do anything you ever want me to do. - Okay, okay, I fly back home on the 27th. - I'll be there by the end. - And then I'll be there until the 13th, so I'm there. - I have to come back on the third, 'cause I'm podcasting with somebody on the fourth, who I have been wanting to podcast with since, when I started this podcast, this is somebody I wanna podcast with. - Oh, you're probably friends with them. It's not like, you know, he does podcasts. I just don't know him. - Okay. - He's one of my favorite comedians. And-- - Yeah, let's play it, let's let me guess. - I think I've given you enough to start. - Yeah. - So he's one of your favorite comedians. Well, that could be a, okay, we need to, we need to whittle. - But there's more, I said more. There's, he does podcasts. You're probably friends with him. I've been wanting to do it since before I started podcast, so I've been a fan of his for, you know, I'd love to. - But this is an LA person. Maybe he is, maybe he is. - Yeah, but you're coming back home to do it. - Maybe he'll just be here then. He's an LA person. - Yeah, 'cause don't, yeah, let's just, let's do facts. I feel like you know everyone and have done the podcast with everyone already, so this is, is it, it's not been a paper. - Who? - Nothing, that's right. What, the name did you just say? I honestly, what name did you just say? 'Cause it sounded familiar and I don't remember what you said. - I said Brent Warren. - He's been on it. - Yeah. Has Harlan been on this podcast? - I imagine he has many times too. I'm doing his for the first time next week. - But he can enjoy. - And I, I've been on a admire and a fan of this man since I can remember. Like I always said, my ultimate episode of Conan O'Brien has Norm Harland on it. And that was Pierre Bernard's Recliner of Rage segment. And I walk, Walker, Texas Ranger lever segment. Followed by maybe scrolling on Cyprus as a musical guest. Anyway, just to say, I'm a huge fan of his. I only met him for the first time about a year ago and we've been trying to get on each other's pose. I'm finally gonna go on his. But this is a guy that I just, what you're saying. I just want to sit down with and like, I hope we connect so badly because I was such a big fan of this person. - If you were there, I would talk, if I were in town, I would talk myself into, talk my way into coming for the very end of it. - Yeah, oh, you're not here, yeah. I'm kind of trying to get him on my new show. I think he'd be really good on that too. Yeah. Okay, yeah, I'm super excited. I hope it goes well. So, okay, is this person, buddy, I'll give you another little something. He's one of the guys. - He's one of the guys. - Like, when you're doing comedy and even doing this probably for 20 years longer than me, 'cause of age difference, but for my generation, and even the generation above mind, when you're coming up, you're like, he's one of the guys. - Burr? - He's one of the guys, but I've had him on. - Okay. I really want to get this, but I understand that the dead air and me thinking is not wonderful for the audience. - Well, if you don't get it, I'm not going to say. So, people just have to wonder who it is. - Okay. - Because, you know, you might get excited. It'll come out probably early to mid-November. - We can move on, and if someone comes in your head. - Okay. - Yeah, but I'm excited. - Okay. - Otherwise, I would have stayed in New York a little bit longer. - And as you can tell, you come back just for him. See, I have this thing now where I can't like, like I just, I have a hard time calling things up in my head. Like, I'm thinking of comics. Like, you know, I'm trying to think this. And I'm full on blank. I started taking this thing called, well, - King Go Baloba, one of my favorite baseball players. - Yeah, well, I haven't taken King Goal, but I want to, but it's the same concept. It's a multi with a lot of stuff in it. Lions, Maine, Ashwaganda, Elty, and all that stuff. Just to cut. - Sounds like a magic mind. - Exactly right, exactly. And, but it's not yet helping. And I've noticed it happen more, and that's what, like, it's like, "Wait, what, why is this happening?" - You can get the weed. - No, because I've been, I discovered weed in 2018. - So, for eight years? - Yeah, well, but I don't think, is it? - Seven. - I don't smoke it like that much. Like, I know, I think it's just my, my age. I go over, like, you know, my, my, I don't know what it is, but it's like, it's frustrating, especially as a comedian, you know. Especially when I'm in this seat, across from this guy right here. - You already forgot my name? - Yeah, I mean, it's my name, bro. - Is it not? - What'd you say? (laughing) - Is it my name, bro? - It's like, you said Rock Hydro, which was a magic card that I used to, I have that I thought was a really cool art. - Greg Ben. - That was a picture. - I would love for you to teach me magic together. I don't know if it takes time. I don't know if that was a big ask. - It takes a lot of time. If you meant it, I would. - All I'm saying is, like, if we were hanging out and stuff, like, I would have no problem sitting here and you'd teach me magic. - Yeah, if I had two decks and you and I were on, like, we were traveling on tour together, I would want to teach you. - But you don't want to, do you want to do, would you do more dates with me or no? I know that you have your plate full, so I don't. - Yeah, so I more, so I would do dates with you all the time if I were in that city. But for me to fly to a place, to be candid for the money that I'd be making and you're very generous. I don't mean that you're not paying me enough. I'm just, I'm a feature act for you. I would be a feature act for you. And the fact that I'd only be doing 20 minutes? - No, yeah, I could do 20 minutes here. - Say no more, baby. - But I love it. I love the idea of it. When I travel, I stay in the same hotels that you stay in. I fly the same first class that you fly in. - I don't travel, you're phenomenal. Thank you. - Hey, check them all. ♪ I play every Tuesday night, I am phenomenal ♪ ♪ I play every Friday night, I am, I play every Saturday afternoon ♪ ♪ And then other times too I am phenomenal ♪ ♪ I got big balls, I got a cool guy, haircut, I got ♪ - You make probably five to 10 X what I make. - I wouldn't begin to understand how you calculated that. - You're doing theaters, and I'm not. - Okay, so what I'm saying is, I travel, my expenses are that of a more successful comedian. I ended up, I did a show, I did five dates in a small venue recently, where I brought Mike Linochi with me, he features for me sometimes. - I met him. - I met him. - Yes, in Phoenix. Or by the way, I'll be again in September or January 7, 8 and 9. I'll also be in Vegas in December, and I'll be in Cleveland, May 1st and 2nd. - I can go downstairs and grab a coffee and go through your dates. - That's all of them that I have set now. I'll go to punchup.live. (laughs) And I don't have a host. - You look so handsome. You got a haircut. - Thank you, and yes. - Looks nice. - I don't have a host by design. - Yeah. - And I like to do like 70 minutes. So instead of the host doing 10, the feature doing 20, he does 20, I do 70. And he gets paid, you know, whatever he gets paid, I get paid whatever I get paid. And I did the numbers after paying for his travel and hotel in my hotel, the food and the ubers and everything. He made 7x what I made. - Oh, stop it now. - Not joking. You broke even our loss of money? - I made a very little bit of money. - Oh wow. - Yeah. - You got to pay attention. that stuff. Well, I wasn't a surprise. I know this. Right. Right. Right. The other option is for me to not stay in those nice hotels. No, you know, you got to, you have to, yeah, no. So the point of the reason I bring this up is, you have to be comfortable. I have to enjoy it. Otherwise, it gets really miserable. I'm been doing a lot of dates and I've said this before, but I don't think, I think if this is, I want to go do dates. I think if this is, I want to go on a vacation and while I'm there, I'll do some shows. How fun? Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. So, I'm saying this because I'm not doing stand-up for the money at the moment. I'm doing stand-up because I really want to get my hour together. Correct. So, going on the road with you, I would, I would maybe make more money as a feature actor because you'd be paying for my hotel and everything. Plus, I'd make show money. But I wouldn't be doing my hour. So, I don't want it. Yeah. No, I got it. But the idea of being with you on a tour bus or something or sitting next to you on first class, where for whatever reason, especially if it's united or American, there's no TVs. But you could watch it on your phone. I did a Delta flight the other day. Tell me about it. That was in plus dollars. One way lay over. Where do they get off? The first half. No Wi-Fi, no in-flight entertainment. So, I'm watching terrified again because it's all I got on my phone. Oh, thank you, Delta. Well, it's Delta by, you know, like, whatever. Embrayer. It's crazy. Yeah. It's like, oh, you know, it's like when it says executive produced by Steven Spielberg, but he just, you know, you didn't do anything. Show up. It's like, what is a Legion? Like, oh, no, I know you. We know United. Yeah. Well, come with us. Do you remember going to Blockbuster back when Blockbuster was the thing when you were a kid, but not for me? Blockbuster? Blockbuster. Okay. And you would see like a movie and on the cover, it was a big picture of like, Stifler, you know, and then like, little pictures of some, and you went at the movie and you're like, Stifler is in it for like 30 seconds. DeFug. You know, and you would get this. That's a funny name for a pod. DeFug. So I started to really get skeptical early on about everything. Yeah. And that's what, yeah. So that was when I realized like, that's how they get you. They're, they know what they're doing. That's good name for a pod too. That's how they get you. Yeah. We should make a game right now a segment. Either that's how they get you right now or DeFug. Let's make a game like right now. And you spelled it with a K. I spelled it with a Q. Just for it. So TikTok doesn't get mad. Okay. DeFug. Yeah. I actually just now did it with a G, which was the first for me. DeFug. Oh, I heard it with a K. Yeah. I usually hear it with a K or a Q, but I see my name. What's that? What's my name that I made up that you said? I don't know. If you people, what's the name that I made up? Ben Haper. What was the one after that? Greg. Was it whatever it was? That's what we're using. Do you remember? David Brent? Oh, yeah. That's right. David Brent. Brent Brent. David Brent. Oh, that's too close. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. Let's podcast together all the time. Let's do shows together all time. Let's be a dream. Should I move to New York? Come on. I know you won't move to New York. If, if, could you imagine it's like a house there. I really would. Oh, my God. If I could have this here, I want to, I want to be by coastal. And I don't mean that like, because even when I watch porn, I want to be a guy, I was by coastal in college. So, so how do we do this? I need more money. Yeah. You know what? Can I go on the road with you? Yes. And will you get me a house in New York? Yes. I am thinking about I want to go to New York for a month or two and get like an Airbnb of like, like one that is, I don't know, I'm making this number up, but it would, it would probably be 10,000 a month. Will that get me something nice? Or no? Yes. 10,000 a month. But the thing is, because I could write it off. Oh, 10,000 a month. Right. I think you'd get something serviceable. Sidebar. Yeah. People watching, like, I like to talk about things I'd like to talk about, including money. And by money, I don't mean I like to talk about money. I mean, there are things that I think about involving money. And I don't like to have to not talk about that, you know, saying something to personal and private, I understand that. But like, and then like, to talk about, there's a 30 rock joke, how Tracy Jordan is so out of touch now, because it's so successful. And it swipes to him on stage talking about his yacht and stuff. And, but you know, it's funny. It's funny. Yeah. You know how on safe bars, people be eating their lobster like this. Don't look at me in the eyes. Like, because $10,000 is so much money. It's a massive amount of money. And I'm not talking about it, that it's not. However, also $10,000, I'm thinking, if I could do shows there and make, you know, $6,000, right? I could, I'm because I'm writing off 40%. I know exactly 30%. Yeah. That's the only way I'm getting there. Yeah. And a lot of times, like, you put the money back into the thing. Yeah. Well, I'm just saying, because like in New York, for a full month, that means $2,500 a week for a place. And like, even hotel rooms in New York, at the law. Yeah. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. And at night, are, you know, for a nice hotel, minimum, 400 something a night. So I think you can get it. But, but yeah, no, it's a lot of money. But I know, no, no, you have to. I don't think $10,000 will be enough. You should look, you know, I looked for a little dip a toe. You know, maybe I could do, maybe I could do, oh, maybe I'll do one month. So it doesn't feel as, yeah. And then if I want to say, no, but if you're doing spots instead, I want to do so many spots. Also, I have New York friends now. Yeah. Yeah. And you could create, like, you could stay at my place or I haven't, you're so far away. No, not really. How long would it take me to Uber into get to the seller? Okay. So you could Uber in from my place to the seller with no traffic in like 35 minutes. Is there traffic at 7 p.m.? Yeah. But you could also go another way that would take 20, it would, you get into, into the city within 25 minutes. In the train. Yeah. I would take the boat and then the train and the train goes right there to fourth street. You know what? I'd like to do maybe I'd like to go maybe stay at your place and feel that out. But also if I'm going to stay at your place for a week, I just got a hotel for a week. Right. So what I would like to do is maybe one day I'll go, at one time, I'll go for like a week or so. And if I want to stay, I might be like, hey, could I stay at your place even for a few days? The door's always open and I'm within due time moving. I know. And then for years you can really stay because your new place is bigger or because you're moving from a condo to a home. Right. Yes. You've been building it for a while. Yeah. Well, I haven't been. But I hope to be. But now, now starting. Yeah. Very exciting. Yeah. It's been five years. So yeah. We'll see. We'll see. But that's my hope. Like when I build it, I build it to like be able to have company. And what would it be? Would we would we stay up and watch stuff? I mean, you have a family. Oh, no. Yeah. But that's how the window feel there. We're staying up and watching stuff. Yeah. I will sacrifice that. You know, like I will that week. It's going to be like, you know, sleep over here. We're getting high and we eaten. Yeah. What if we had fries, something with fries for lunch? I know I won't fries again for dinner. Yeah. Okay. Let's say you did that. Do I have to absolutely not? But it's the only reason I'm asking is because I try not to have fries too much. Yeah. But we've slept over. But I'm asking like, like if I don't do fries, but then you got fries, I would be like, Oh, could I have a couple? I think all bets are off. I think it'll be the most fun week of our entire lives. So you won't be upset with me if I'm eating like a chowzer. You could eat anything you want. I might have to get a rib removed. I encourage you. Because of Greg, Ben. Yeah. Merlin Greg, Ben. Merlin Greg, Ben. No, Greg, Ben, by the way. What's that? Nothing. Oh, you might need your headphones. Sorry. So where has Greg, Ben? Oh, where has Greg, Ben? That's a way to remember it now. How are we on time, dude? Because if you're like, we're just getting started. I know. No, I'm good until. Great. So that's good. Yeah. Do I want to come back later? I have two shows tonight. What time? First show is at seven. The next show is at eight. We won't be able to do it. Yeah. 60 minutes. How do we find a way to where we see each other more? Yeah, like in the flesh, right? Not like FaceTiming. Yeah. I know. I know. What would it be like? What would our what would our friends should be like if we were friends as kids? I feel like we were, but like, you know, like, yeah. But what would it be like for real? Like, if we were house would we go to more? Like, then, or like, what would our friends should be like, now, if we were friends, like, then I'm saying, if we found out, I would probably be over your house more because just by your parents, your parents are like the textbook parents. Like, I'm going to be over Brick's house. I don't think we've talked about this on this podcast because you're on podcast. It's as you came over my parents house when I got to Cleveland late. Will you tell that? So for people, people could hear that story and how cool that is. Yeah. For sure. So I was doing some road gigs. I was coming through Cleveland. And so it happened that you were going to be there the same day. And but you were somewhere else the night before. I don't remember where I was. I was somewhere on the in the Midwest the night before. And when I finally went to Cleveland, I'm like, I'll go back to Cleveland for a week. Yeah. And I would get there the day. Oh, I know where I was. I was in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Okay. And there was no direct flight. Yes. And there was a delay on the layover and I was supposed to get to Cleveland to open for you on Sunday and your show sometimes are at 6 p.m. so you could fly out early and get back home to your family, big part of this story. And so we were going to hang. Right, so my flight is the next day. Your flight was going to be that night. It was going to be that night. Oh, was it? Okay, yeah. You were going to leave Sunday night. Yes. So I was going to come to the show at six o'clock with my parents and you would maybe be able to come back to my parents house for an hour or two and we could kick it before you flew out. Yes. And then your flight got delayed and then it got delayed again. And so then I was going to be able to get there. I would probably get there when the show ended. So I can't get there. Right. So just you still want to come over. And I absolutely wanted to come over. And so your flight gets delayed even further. Your flight gets delayed even further. And now you're not even going to get there at the end of the show. You might not even be there until like 10 11 o'clock at night. I got there close. I got there after 11 p.m. After 11 p.m. But I was looking so forward to hanging out with you at your home and with your parents that I changed my flight to the next day. And all the people you're with flew out Sunday night. Everyone flew out Sunday night. I canceled my flight. I made it the next morning at like six a.m. or six a.m. flight. It was a six a.m. flight. And then I went to the show. And I got a ride all the way out to your parents home. Yep. And I went there. You got there probably eight o'clock. Nope. He knew that I wasn't going to be there for at least hours. Yes. And you never met my parents other than talking to them on the phone during podcasts. Yes. And Sal goes to my parents house. She kicks it with my when my parents smokes a soy sweet with my dad. I think the whole time you guys were fucking stone. Yeah. The whole time your mom was there for three hours. Yeah. Just the three of them. Yeah. It's the best time ever. And I walk in and you're like you get you had to go soon. And I was like, oh yeah. But how fucking crazy is this? They never met my dad. By the way, is not somebody who wants to meet someone. Yeah. Normally, you know, like he's in his own world. Your parents are the best the best the best. I couldn't have hung out with them. I could have stayed there for a week. He never shared it. Isn't it how? How? How? I was having like my best friends. I was having more fun than I do with other people. Like, with regular. Never met them. Never met them. They loved that too. That you like my because my dad, I don't know. I don't remember how much he knew and practical joke is before because we never really talked about it. But for years ago, when we did our first episode, when you met me at my exes and we became best friends the day we met. Yes. And I told my dad about he now watches that show so much. So he's a legitimate fan of you. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, I'm like, do you want salad to come on? I'm not going to be there. No way he would want because you're like, I want to go there. But I don't know. Let me ask my dad. Yeah. Are you kidding me? Yes. Absolutely. I'm like, dude, I'm shocked. Not that how much he likes you, but the fact that like that he wouldn't feel like he has to host. I'm humbled. I'm humbled because I know that feeling. Yeah. And it was the same exacting that happened to you. I was there for five minutes. I felt like I had already known them. There was, it was effortless. And we laughed. There was never any lulls in the conversation. They are such characters. They're so loving and sweet. They made me feel so comfortable. We were eating dinner. We were smoking. We were laughing. We were watching television. Like we were, we got so comfortable that we were sitting there watching TV together. Right. Yeah. Like at moments. Yeah. Which is amazing. Right. And then yeah, I just had the best time. And then what we happened to be in Cleveland doing a show again. And then I came and slept there. And that was even, I mean, that we had so. Oh my god. We had so much fun. Hello. How's that can? No. Oh, I'll give you a hint. No, I'll give you a hint. He's he could be a bit of a jokester sometimes. I said Brents. You know, Dad, I do stand up and like I'm on the road. And you know, sometimes it's cheaper to take a layover. But I like to fly direct. I find it more practical. Would you agree? That's more practical. Right. But if I don't want to visit the layover, wouldn't you say it's more practical? Practical. Who's practical? Well, I get a lot of friends that are a lot of different things. The guy that's here happens to be quite a bit of a jokester, but it depends on who you're asking. Oh, Sal. Yeah, we got Sal here. We're just talking about when he came over and hung out with you and Ma for three hours without me. Sal's doing a revolutionary tour. He's doing Portland and Salt Lake City. Do you know his 2026 dates yet? He's well-publicized, Salville Cannell. He's famous. He should run for office. What do you think he should run for? Governor of New Jersey. Why New Jersey? He lives in, I don't know, he lives in New York, the mayor of New York City. Oh, he's got to be that socialist. That'd be a great race, Sal. And think of the joke Sal could run on that guy. How great would it be if you really did campaign? I mean, that's a great, that's a great, just for clips. Just for clips. Just to run for governor or something or mayor or whatever. Yeah, but then I accidentally win and now I'm the governor now. That's a, that's an 80s movie. That's, that's, that's the, uh, the, uh, Richard Fire movie. Oh, it toys. No, not toys. Superman three. Bruce is millions. Bruce, there's millions. This and word crazy, right? That says one of his movies, right? It is. Okay. Live on the sunset strip. Don't be a panic attack during that one, didn't he? Yeah. Without the one who is on the real nervous. I think so. Well, anyway, Dad, we just wanted to call it Steve. There's anything you wanted to plug. Uh, I want to plug sales shows in Portland and Salt Lake City. I love this. Why those two? Did you see him post about it or something? I saw a commercial for it with the third city too in that area and I forgot what it was. San Diego. San Diego. That's right. That's right. When are you there? October 24th, Portland, 25 Salt Lake City, 20, uh, sixth San Diego. Watch out for ice. It's October, Dad. It'll be fine. It's in the West Coast. All right. Love you, Daddy. We just want to say hi. Love you. Take care. I love you. Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye. So the funniest thing is when we're going, we're driving back from doing Dr. Phil, right? And we're all on a car together. It's me, you, it was like five. It was, was Brent in the car, too? No, Brent, Brent stayed at the hotel. Okay. It was your mom and dad, me and you. Maybe that's Sullivan. Oh, yeah, yeah. And we're driving and your dad already smoked us out in the, in backstage. And he has his crazy weed. And I took way more of a hit than I should have. And so we're high. It would drive him back to your house. Didn't we get lost? You could call, you could say that. I would say that I just, I missed the exit and it took a long or time to get home. Yeah, I wouldn't call it lost. Okay. And then I would say that I missed another one. Yeah, that's a good cut. Yeah, that was the whole thing, right? Didn't we end up spending 40 extra minutes in the car, but we were hysterical laughing because we were conversating and it was like, whatever, I don't know if I, I'm not going to coastline the, that number 40 20 at least. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would say in the 20 minutes, your dad's like, there's these burgers we got to have, right? You, I'm going to get you guys these burgers. So he's in the back seat, which is a, and he's like, all right, guys, I'm going on DoorDash. He's like, I'm getting these burgers as he's taking everybody's order, right? There's lots of mods for everyone. Yeah. So you're right. And he's putting everything and he's putting everything and everything. I mean, your parents are just like, oh, something funny was going on and that, but I don't remember what it was. Okay. There was something. I don't remember because in order of something, because my mom, my dad read it up because like they have options of everything individualized. And there's like 20 things. Yeah. Catch up mustard. He's really every, and my mom, yeah, my mom goes, no, yes. Yes. Yeah. And it's just taking a while. And then I think one got deleted. So we had to do it again. Yeah. And it just, it's so endearing anyway. So he's doing all this and we're laughing real high. And I think, and not the person driving, which was you. You weren't high. Um, I was not high. Yeah. Not like us. I was definitely not like you guys. Yeah. And this is the perfect way. Like this is something I think about all the time when I think of that trip. So like he puts the order in, right? And then like a couple of minutes go by and he just goes out of nowhere. He just won the back seat. He goes, all right, guys, we got 16 minutes left if we want a double dash. He goes, he goes, anybody want anything? I'm going to double dash. He's like, I'm going to go and he's like, who wants ice cream? Who wants cookies? And it just, but he said it so earnestly. He loves a double dad. Yeah. And he was like, he was really serious. He's got 16 minutes ago. We got it. We're going to double. And it's just, it's just, it's, they're so fun to be around. I know. I know. You're so lucky. I know. You're not taking nothing away from my family. I have a parents. I love them. But I'm just saying like they are, they are such special people, dude. My whole family, dude, yeah, my grandma and I see immediately why you are the way you are. I feel so I always, I grew up laughing all the time. But I became really appreciative of it when I went to college and I started meeting other people's families of people who I didn't know when I was a kid. Yeah. And I remember meeting people's families and being like, oh, they're like, oh, they must be off. Right. You know, they're like, yeah. And like, man, I'm so glad I grew up with in such a colorful place. And also there was like, they're so expressive and loving and open-minded and like, down to clown. - But there's also fun. - It was awesome. - Like when there's, we argue, and we fight. And like, there's like stuff, like my mom then goes in the other room, and that's the day now. And like my brother, there was issues as kids. And like, I had to go to the special school. And like, there was drama growing up. - Sure. - It wasn't all laughs. But like, looking back and even in those moments, it's, those moments are funny to me still. Like, thinking about the stuff that happened in school that I was embarrassed about at the time and stuff. But like, looking back and like, recognizing my parents' perspective and talking to him about it, it's like, it's just, I don't know if it's just looking back at things and it being easier to digest, and it's funny, combined with their perspectives that are funny, but just the relationship I have with them, and being able to talk about that stuff is why it's funny. And like, how much my mom, if you were mean to me as a kid, even if you were mean to me because I was annoying you, it doesn't matter. My mom remembers all of it and shows motherfuckers. - Yes. - And she is intense about it. And like, I just think that's so funny. I know right now, I've done this on the pod before. I know this right now. I could call and ask about a certain teacher or about a certain kid's mom and her mood this month. I'll fuck you in mother fucker this time. - I know. Oh, what do we do to your mom? Remember what we did? I told you, like, did you ever show that? - I showed it on a pod. I don't remember which one I think it was with Brent and Mir. Maybe we'll show some more again. Yeah, you set it up 'cause I've been talking too much. - No, no, yeah. That's ridiculous. You, so your mom was-- - It's morning after you slept over. - The morning I slept over and your parents are moving so they're trying to sell a lot of things. - Let me also say that I don't like revealing certain public private information. - Tell me what to, I don't want to say. - No, no, I'm saying this is part of the context of this. Like, I don't reveal, I don't talk about my personal dating life much. I don't give details about things like that. And I don't like to give addresses or locations and stuff. My mom's on Facebook Marketplace. I have any strangers come over for $8 to buy a bank and like, who are the, what are you doing? - Yeah, yeah. - And my mom used to sell perfume so we have all this perfume and these testers and stuff and that she needs to get rid of. So she's selling these things. And I don't like it. I also don't like it when she's not doing it now, but like, sometimes people come over to my parents' house, my mom's home alone. - Yeah. - Like, you don't know who these strangers are. - Right. - And sometimes she invites them into the house. So one guy comes over and like knocks on the door and my mom wasn't expecting him. And I'm a little weirded out because who, even if you were expecting him, it's weird. Who is this? And my mom's like asking questions in this and he's told her and I checked all the boxes with Facebook Marketplace. My mom didn't post the address, but she messages blah, blah, blah. - Right, the idea being that if someone's gonna come to buy stuff from her, she has spoken with them. - Yes, but maybe they come, but sometimes they didn't come. Like, oh, and nobody came. So maybe this is somebody who didn't come. I was thinking that's probably at least what it is. But it was still worrisome. - Yeah. - And a car pulled up in the driveway. - Yeah. - And she wasn't expecting any. - And a guy, a guy was asked like, what was there for the perfume? So my mom's out there for a little bit. And I hear her saying, how do I know you? And it's taking a little bit of time. So I decide I want to go out there and make sure everything's okay. When you finally revealed to me that that was the person coming to pick you up and you told him to save Facebook. Marketplace, this and that. And I, I, you know, it was a classic and practical joke. (laughing) - I texted my buddy and I'm like, do me a favor, when you pull up just pull in the driveway, get out, say you're here for the perfumes, say you saw the out of Facebook Marketplace. But what happened was she didn't exchange communication with this person. So she was completely stumped as to how he knew where to go. - Let's swipe to it. - You have it, right? What's in your practice again? Mine? The new one? - I live in New Jersey. I'm driving across country. I'm just checking out different. - I don't know how you've got my address. - There is an underground, like community. - That's what happens. People put this stuff on. - I'm very flattered. - You're a big deal. I don't know if you know. I'm surprised you don't have more people coming. - I know what this is. This is me being pumped. You're such an ass. - So I'm going to go to date with these guys. - Oh my God, I hate you. You did this little son of a bitch. I was scared of you. I hate you, Sal. (laughing) - Oh my God, you did it to me. You didn't really want to buy her. You don't give it back. It's your stupid money. (laughing) - Keeping the waffle house cut. - I don't give a fuck. - I hate you. - I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't even do it. - Sal, can I hotel room with you? (laughing) Mother of fucker, oh my God. - I love you. (laughing) - I thought I was having $30,000. - So she was like, okay, but he knows about the purviews. He knows it was Facebook. She's like, where did I talk to you? - Yeah, she was just talking. - He's like, it was Facebook marketplace. And she came in for a second. And she coming to go, I don't know who this guy is, but he says he's here for the perfumes, Ricky. And I don't know. And you're like, Mom, what is going on? And she walked back out and you were about to go back up. And he's looking at the perfumes. He's sprayin' 'em. - He was, dude, he was good. - Yeah. And then we had another friend of ours in the car, which was at the end of the driveway. He didn't, I don't know if he remembered or knew that we were doing this. And he went to get out and we didn't want the jig to be up. So I think my friend turned around and yelled, my friend, Jay yelled at Ali. He's like, get back in the car. Like to tell him to get back in the car. So he didn't want to come and be like, where is, you know, and blow the whole thing? And so that became very weird. That he yelled at the guy and there was another guy approaching and the guy turned around and went back and sat back in the car. And then so you walk out, you turn on your camera and you're recording this whole thing and you're watching them haggle over price. He goes, there are some colognes that were like in like these things that were like looked like cigars. That was the branding of it. And he goes, what are these smell like? And I'll explain. And he's about to buy them. And he goes, oh, they doesn't smell like a cigar. And she goes, no, no. And he goes, oh, I don't know. (laughing) I didn't know that. (laughing) But then you, and then your dad knew, but your dad, this is the one he was having. He's having, he could have he handed. He couldn't keep it to himself. He walked out there with a shit eating grin on. And because now he's in the know and he just couldn't be subtle. He's like, he's like, who do you think he is? He walked out, he's like, who is this guy? Wow, he's here and he didn't even talk to you. Wow, what do you think is going on? (laughing) I'm like, don't do it. - Yeah, you know, we're single camming in. He's multi camming in like a motherfucker. (laughing) - My dad, when it comes to that kind of stuff, my dad only knows multi cam. - Yeah, that's so funny. And then we had a good laugh over it, but it was fun, it was fun. - Yeah. - Even their house is fun. - I'm so sad they're selling it. - Yeah, I know that must be like a really emotional thing. - Yeah, to the past, since I've, I always go home. - You were born in this home, right? - Yeah, close to it. - I was born in the home. They were building the house while pregnant with me and then they moved in, I think the month I was born in. And I always love being home. I go home for a month at a time twice a year, plus a week here, a week there. I go home all the time. And since I found out that they were, even when I found out a couple of years ago that they were planning on doing this, I'm just like, that's when you're like, I'm gonna be in Cleveland this Sunday. I'm like, I'll go home for a week. - Yeah, yeah. - I'm just like, I'm going to Toronto. This episode will be out by then, but I'm gonna be in Toronto for five shows that I'm driving a buffalo from Toronto. And then I'm in New York, we can have it two weeks later. I'm just gonna go home from Buffalo. I'm just gonna drive, I'm renting a company. I'm just gonna drive home to Cleveland. I'm just gonna be there. And then I'm gonna come to New York whenever I decide to come to New York. And I was just, I love it. It's my favorite place to be. It's the only place that I really, it's equal parts. Not 50/50, 100/100 vacation and home. - That's awesome. - And it's, I don't wipe my, I wipe Alvin Paul's whenever we come in here, not at home, my parents don't give a shit. The cats walking on the counter, my mom's cutting tomatoes on the countertop. It's wrong, but it's their house. So he doesn't wipe his feet. I also don't have to put a leash on him. We just go outside 'cause we have a bit of a yard. So he'll just run around. He has to pee for a second. I'll just let him out real quick. We're watching movies every night. Watching movies. Alvin is, I don't know if he wants a TREAT or to go potty, but like I'm stoning, I want to deal with it. I'll do a little bit of both. - Remember we started watching the West Wing? - Yeah, I don't know. - I know they know the West. I just started watching. - For the first time in a row watching. - And you guys are explaining the West Wing thing. Then we went for a walk and we walked for like an hour outside and we just kept doing the loop like. - Yeah, we call it the Jammy Walk. - The Jammy Walk. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was so much fun, dude. - It's, dude, it's the best. I go home, I wake up whenever I wake up, I go into the living room where there's so many windows. So not like this fucking cave. All this light, the dogs there. And I have the afternoon is free swim. The afternoon is, I'll watch something, I'll work on my computer, I'll go to the JCC, I'll meet up with a friend who lives in town, whatever it is. My dad gets home, you know, when I'm there between three and five, I don't make any plans after that. And then we're home. And now it's weed. We order from so many restaurants. We order from place my dad wants, my mom wants, what I want. - Right, we figure out what we're doing for dinner. Like let's figure it out. My dad looks at what he finds a couple options. I find a couple. Sometimes my dad will say something. I'll get from there. Sometimes I'll say something, you know, I'll do from there, we get from the same place. But even then, let me get some, you know, the fried cauliflower from the cheesecake. I love this approach to ordering food. I do. Because when I say, I try to do this at home, and my wife is always like, well, just order it will order from this place. I'm like, why? I'm like, I don't have to order where you want to order for, like, we can order from anywhere. In fact, I want this. You get that. But since you're getting that, get me some experience. Yeah, that's how I, that's how I roll with it. She's like, all right, I guess. But I'm like, yeah, I think she thinks it's like wasteful. Like, there you get, you know, you put in two cars in motion. No, double D's. I've liked them forever. So you have, we've talked about this before. Since I started working and then making, making money, which compared to when I was working and, like, since I started working to the point to where my in is more than my out, right? And I'm saving money. And we're like, if I'm not working for a little bit, I have like, I could get the, the first lifestyle thing that changed for me was everything I'll say the same saying my place didn't change my car. It was, I'm now going to get whatever I want when I go to a restaurant. Yeah. And that was, that's not a level up. That's like we're, we're, that's not like going up a step. That's like I'm upstairs now. You know, like, that's like whatever I want. I remember when I first started working at this, this restaurant, Larsen Steakhouse, real nice Steakhouse in Encino. And I was, some nights I was making like 200 bucks in the night cash walking out. I remember driving home and wearing my, my, my outfit still. And I stopped, I stopped at the grocery store because I wanted to get some berries. I love berries. And you get blueberries. You get raspberries or you get blackberries. It doesn't matter. You get, you switch them up. So my alley berries. What's that? Hally berries I would get to. Yeah. It's 200 a night. I'm not, you know, and I walked in and, and I wanted blueberries. I wanted raspberries. And I wanted blackberries. And I got all three. Yeah. And I got all three. Just that. I walked, I took up my thing. I paid in cash. I walked to my car. It was cool. So there's a little bit of a breeze. And I, I remember this feeling so much of, of gratitude, of pride and of excitement, of like, I could do this. I'm not upset that I did this. I'm going to, I'm making money. Yeah. You know, I remember that feeling. The next time I had that was years later when I was on a TV show and the second season, my, not the first season, the second season, I go to a restaurant and I wanted this and this. And I'm like, I'm getting them both. Yeah. And I got them both. Yeah. And what a change. Now it's also, I fly a certain way, but I'm, it's, it's, it's business expensive, right off. Yeah. Getting food. I'm sitting on the couch last night. Are you sure I'm not talking too much? No. This is, this is the pod. Okay. Last night, I allowed myself, I'm going to get what I want. Because I don't know. It's now it's also like, I don't want to eat too bad. I have nights where I'm going to allow it. Yeah. So I had some chicken. I baked some chicken. I made some chicken. And I'm like, I have a chicken, but I'm bored. You know, what else do I have? What do I want? Yeah. And I go, well, I know if I eat the chicken, I want something else. I want some desserts at least. So I order some churros. I got myself three full intros and double dash pops up. There it is. It wasn't double dash. Take it back. Doesn't matter. I know why I said that. It wasn't. I, I'm thinking, okay, but I do want something with the chicken. I want some bread or something, like something like a sandwich. Yeah. I know what I want. I got, I've really been into this cheesecake factory, the cauliflower. It's like a chili sweet Asian. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. The glaze, the chili, like the sweet chili glaze. Bro, first of all, it's both a dessert and an appetizer. I got that. I wanted to get some bread too. And I'm like, don't do it. It gave me bread anyway. I didn't need it. I take this cheesecake factory, this cauliflower. I take half of it. I put on the plate. And the reason I do half is because I'm going to eat whatever's on the plate. If you take half, you have a break. Half of it. I take half of my chicken. And like they were little cauliflower chicken sandwiches. Nothing that creative. But like this chicken that I made with a bite of the, and I'm sitting on the couch and I'm watching that, that Matthew McCannie movie about the bus and the fire. Heat. Heat? Matthew McCannie. Okay. No, I don't remember that. Do you know the new movie? It just came out on Apple TV. It's a space off of true story. I've been 2018. There was a California fire and bus with kids and going through. It was intense. Money ball. No. Okay. Okay. Heat made sense because of fire. Okay. Pinocchio. So I'm eating this. And I'm watching this movie and out loud. I'm going. Oh. Okay. Yeah. And maybe there was somebody there with me watching the movie. It's nobody's business. Okay. But if there were, and they didn't want any of these things, I suggested for this person to try it. And this person went. Whoa. I didn't, because I said, because when I got the, so I got the churros, I got the cauliflower, then double dash suggested Chipotle. And I'm thinking, do this cauliflower be really good on tacos? And this person's like, no, it wouldn't. Now, I'm at a certain point in my life where I'm not going to have an argument about this. No. But I also, you might have thrown hands. Back in the day, it would have been like, what, why do you say? Right. Right. You could ask me if why I think it would be good, but to say, no, it's not. Why, how do you know it's not? Right. But not now. Now it's like moving on. Now it's, okay. Yeah. But also, also in my head, this person is wrong. Yeah. And that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. So it comes. This person has a taste of just that first. And this person goes, well, this is really good. I go, I have a question. Do you see how this would be good on a taco? And this person said, I guess it depends on the taco. Now, in my head, I know which tacos this is the best one, or which I could say, but it doesn't matter. And I said, tell me a taco it wouldn't be good on. It would be. Tell me a taco it wouldn't be good. It wouldn't be good. Right. Right. I don't know. I don't know. Well, here's what I was thinking. Chipotle, barbacoa, what do you think? Yeah, it would be good on that. And I just went, yeah. Anyway, now we're going, this person doesn't want anymore. I'm like, would you like to try this? This person goes, yeah, tries it. Wow, that goes so together. I'm so surprised. This person said, and you know what I said to them? I said, I'm really good at this. Because also the churros that this person I was having, like these are really good churros. I'm not just getting a churro. Right. I have. I went to the movies in Cleveland. There's a place that has churros where I watched that the Leo movie, like too many fights or whatever, which I'm not having with people anymore. And thank goodness. Ishtar. And I ordered churros and they were bad. Yeah. Because churros could be bad. They could be. I didn't want churros more than just they were offered. And I'm like, I'm at the movie. Let's go. But here, it's not that I'm just craving churros. I just want a good dessert. I'm getting, I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing. I know I oftentimes get four. And they could get them with Nutella. I get one without Nutella, three with Nutella. And I take the one and I eat the Nutella off of the other ones with the one. Because there's too much Nutella on it. I'm not saying what I'm doing is so, is that one of my cameras? That's not going to be a kitchen. Oh, the dishwasher's done. Anyway. The dishes are done, man. Don't tell them I'm the babysitter's dead. You would have said moneyball. Yeah. That wasn't moneyball? No. Okay. Anyway, I have curated these flavors. Yeah. I didn't discover. First of all, it's cheesecake factory. It's a stomachache. Right. But sometimes you're allowed to do that. You know what this dishwasher does? Speaking of spending a little bit of money now, I just, I just bought this place. Yeah. I made one upgrade so far. It was my dishwasher. Oh. Yeah. When it's done, it opens up on its own a little bit to let the steam out. That's some new new age AI stuff. You know what else it does? Yeah. It holds a certain amount of dish soap. So I don't have to refill it. It holds it for 20 things. So I could just push the button. Finally, more innovation in the dishwasher space. Lights are off. I'm watching a movie. I'm eating churros. I want to put the dishes away. I don't want to turn the lights on because I have the lights the way I want them. Open the dishwasher. It lights up inside the dishwasher. You might be like, is that a big deal? Does yours? No. No. Does yours? Think about it. I have a decent one, but it doesn't do either of those things. Yeah. And sometimes I forget to open it. And that's not good for anybody either. What do you mean? You just put it on the floor? No, I forget when it's done with the cycle to open it and let the steam out. Most people don't do that. Yeah. No, no. No. Do you? No. I don't have a dishwasher. We'll talk about your rate. I'll give you a little bit more of that. I do like opening it though and getting blessed in the face with the steam. It's something like I did since I'm a kid. Interesting. I do look forward to going and opening it. That's something I think that it's something that's specific to you. Kind of like whenever my mom would open up a new peanut butter jar, she would let me make a face in it. Yeah. We did that a minute. You remember? You and I? Yeah, I, I agree. Yes. And the minute you get to plunge us knife into a brand new peanut. Yes, I do. Yeah. At first, I was thinking like, oh, I'll try and draw something in it, but no, no, no, no. No, it's just drawing something in your peanut butter is like fucking it. If you want to be completely present and you want to make love to it, I want the peanut butter to feel how much you like it. Yeah. Put peanut butter along my balls, dogs, and put peanut butter on my balls, dogs, looks them up. Peanut on my balls, and dogs, looks them up. Peanut butter, peanut butter. - I have method, man, sample that. (upbeat music) - He'll be on. I'll ask him, but I can't make any promises. I'm not trying to rap. I'm busy right now. (laughing) - Yes, but I don't eat peanut butter. - Oh. - All in butter. - Okay, but it's still great. When you open that peanut butter, it is that fresh snow, like that, you know, that's fun. - Unfortunately, since I started eating things and being more conscious of what the ingredients are, the nut butters that I'm getting, they're not no stir. - Yeah. - It's a bit of a, some, it's a bit. - Yeah, but you could still remember the feeling in your mind. It's a good feeling. It's very satiated. - I remember every time I opened up one of these things where it's getting, and you got to wipe it down. At some point, somebody's got to figure out a way of getting a no stir, but with just the nuts, with just the nuts as the only ingredient. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember, but isn't it, I listen to you say, tell the story and I get, feel your excitement and here's this key to being a happy person for me too. It's like, I love being filled with wonderment. Like, I love, like, simple things still blow me away. Like, I get excited about the thing you just said. I felt excited vicariously through you. Like, I'll walk down the street and just still see something, you all right? - It was moving my cock. - Okay. And, well, you did remove the rib. So, I just get excited about little things. Like, I still, I'm like, I have child like wonderment still. And I recognize that. I don't, I don't, like, it's built into me and I know what it's happened. I can be like, oh my God, look at that. You know, it's just like cloud or something, but it's like, it's really nice. - You can keep them off. I want them off. - Okay. Yeah, but I'll come into the bit. - It was supposed to go on acknowledged, but this time I thought your comfort is more important than this bit. - I know what you thought. - And I appreciate you doing this. - Yeah, no problem. But I do feel that. - Give me some examples. Could you think of one? - It could be the simplest thing. Like, like, it's October now, the foliage changing. - Oh my God, my God, beautiful, that is. - That's not a simple thing. That's something that I'm going to miss a lot and not spend any more time in Cleveland. - Yeah. - That's not a simple thing, my friend. - Right, okay. Well, yeah. I mean, like, the October when the leaves change and the breeze. Yeah, that is a, I mean, a beautiful, nature thing. But I just mean, but yeah, maybe that is too macro. I just, just any little thing. I could get excited about the same thing that my daughter gets excited about. You know what I mean? Like, just any little new, like, any little thing, I'm just like, oh, cool is that. You know, like, and it just, like, that's kind of where I, that's where I am at in my head all the time. And I just, it's nice. It's nice. - I didn't mean to negate you of saying it's not a simple thing. I more or less saying, I understand. I love that too. - Yeah, yes. I understand how that could be. - Yeah, but that is like, that's a big, it's a very relatable example. - Stop and smell the roses is something that not a lot of people do. - Right, right, right, right. He does. - He does. - He does. - When he smells stuff, I really, it reminds me, yeah, about being present, like, smell this. He's smelling it for check, to check his females, but it's still like, gather the rose buds while you may. - And I remember too, like, when I, my first job was at a deli and I made $4 an hour on the books. And I remember my next job was delivering pizza and that was all off the books. And I could make up to like, sometimes $10, $12 cash an hour off the books, which is like making like, you know, $16, $17. So that was like a four times raise, right? And I remember like, I remember I did a shift one time and I made $90 cash. And I. - What year is this approximately? - This is 1995. - Imagine if you just bought some apple with that 90 bucks. - I know. - Or berries. - Yeah. Let's not dwell on it. But 95, 96, I remember I, my nieces, they used to like stay at my place. And well, this time I still lived home, but I would take them all the time. So I took them, my youngest sister, and like, and I, we went to go see the Lion King. I'm like, come on, I'm taking everybody. So we went to go see the Lion King. And the theater was right next to our toys, our us. - It was in '94. - It was in '94, okay. So that could be, yeah, so that was '94. And then we came out of the theater after the Lion King, and I'm like, we're all going to toys with us, and I bought everybody's Simba Dolls. And it just was, 'cause I just was like, - 'Cause it was made in '90 bucks. - Yeah, so then we went back home, and I said to my dad, we all came home, and my dad was like, oh wow, and he's like, what'd you do? And I'm like, I remember this clearly. I'm like, I just, I made all this money. I wanted to share it. So like, you know, we all, I took, like, six of us to the movies that we went out and went to the thing, and I got everybody to the dolls, and I think my dad was like, oh, that's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Six of us meeting seven people. - It was, I don't, it was one, two, three, four, five. It was at least five of us, or six, five in me. - Let's say five. - Yeah. - So six people, six movie tickets, snacks, Simba Dolls. - Yeah. - Like three Simba Dolls. - And then was that the whole '90, you think, or are you thinking, you know, I mean '90, so I could spend just some of my money. - No, I had money left over. - Yeah. - But I just remember being like, what? - Yeah. - I just made $90 today. Like that's insane. And like, my first interview was like, let's go. You know, my name is Simpson, but it's a special feeling. Yeah, yeah. - Do you remember this? Do you remember your first ever independent on your own food shop? The first time you went to the, the first time you moved out, and you had to go to the supermarket to stock your own apartment. I remember that, like, I had two carts, two full carts. I spent like, you're big. - Yeah, exactly. I couldn't believe it. I remember I spent like, $350. I was stocking for the very first time. What? - Tom Hanks and Big. - Oh, yeah, that's right. Tom Hanks was in, yeah, share was in big. - Yeah. - Wasn't she? I think so. - Yeah, I think she was, she was the, she was the, what's it called? - She was old tar. - Thank you. - Yeah. No, that wasn't actually, that was Ben Aper. But I remember going and just being like, you had to get everything from like salt all the way through. - Just goes to show you, you decided you wanted to remember the name Ben Aper and it's the only reason. It's not 'cause Ben Aper's easy to remember. - Yeah. - It's 'cause you wanted to. - Yeah. - Speaking of salt all the way through, we were looking at Marui the other day and my dad was like, do you wanna watch this Angelina Jolie movie that we've all seen before? I'm like, yeah, I would watch that again, but why that? He goes, I don't know. Just because like, you know, you scrawled, you just gotta get something. - Yeah. - And then we ended up watching a Liam Neeson movie that, that none of us had seen, although I was able to guess what was happening to the level of, I think I saw it and I forgot. - Yeah. - There wasn't that I knew what they were doing. And it was called Something Where He Looses His Memory. Unseen. See, and do you know this movie? - I mean, he's done oddly. He's done the exact same movies since taking like a hundred times. - And I watch them. - Yeah. My, whenever my mom, a lot of times, 'cause my dad and I will watch stuff. So my dad and I do. And mom, do you wanna watch a bubble lot? No, no, no, no, no. But I know how we could get my mom if we say, mom, do you wanna watch a movie? If she says what is it, now we know we could. We just wanna find something. But even if she says no, you can go like this. Oh, okay. We're watching a Jason Statham movie. - She's in. - You could hear her get out of the bed or off the chair. - She's really? - Jason Statham and Liam Neeson. All three of us. If it's a Jason Statham or for the Liam Neeson movie. Yeah. - Yeah, it's just mindless, like fun. Like, it's a popcorn movie, right? Like just. - Yes, I also, I don't know if it's necessary, but I'm gonna, I have another card. Plug your 20, 20, 27 days. - Well, actually, while you're doing this, can I pee? - Yes. - Okay. (beep) (murmurs) - I was noticed at the hand towel in the bathroom. It matches my shorts, exactly. How do you like that? Is it not something? I mean, it's like literally, exact. See? Wonder what? - What other old movies have you been watching? - So last night, I'll tell you what's next on my list is gonna be Oceans 11. - So good. - And Punch Drunk Love. - Oh, also so good. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So those are next on the docking. I've seen both of them, but not enough to remember them. And I, you know, I have one DVD and stuff, so. But you can carry, yeah? - Yeah, Punch Drunk is so good. - Yeah, Punch Drunk is really good, right? - I know Oceans is just a fucking riot. - Oceans did, how many did they do? Oceans 11, then 12, but then there was like, one or two more after that, right? I think there was a 13 in the remake, but that's a remake of a Frank Sinatra movie from the '50s. - Oceans 13? - The original Oceans 11. - Right, but no, but then they did like the 12, but then they did a 13 as well. - Is the concept, did they just go up in number because it was a sequel? It was the concept they added a person for the-- - They added a person so they could go up in number for the sequel. - Okay, okay. - But it was a, it was a, old movie with Ben Hurr and Gilbert Gleason. And they originally adapted from a book from Arles Stein. - Yeah. - And, or Stephen King, I always get the two confused. Which one does the adult scary books? - It's King. - Stephen King. - Gail King, I think it is. - You know, I once worked with Gail King. - Prove it. - Welcome Rick Glassman. - Why, from New York, Saturday night. - I told you. - I said, see you at the border. Saturday Nighthands, this is my moment. - CVS morning, thank you Rick Glassman. - Thank you so much. - Thank you. - Wow. - Yeah, we were promoting actually-- - You've been receipts. - Yeah. - We were promoting a show that I did. - I just lifted that up and read it from my walk back to the bathroom. And I was like, "What is this?" - Well, I guess before only the audience saw it, but now as we see it, I nod too too. - As we see it. - Oh no, that was not your tooth, was it? Oh no. Oh no, put it back. Can you. Oh my God. You okay? - Yeah. - Yeah, I hate to see. I hate to see blood. - You all right? - Mm-hmm. - If we need to stop down, let me know. - Yeah, we might have to end it. - Well, I didn't realize I thought you had a heart out at three, but I guess you might have to leave it to 30. - Well, it's 251, so none of this makes sense. (laughing) I'll stay, I'll stay till three. - Okay. - Yeah. I was in-- - I like the 230 joke. - It was good. - It was really good. It might have been the best 230, 230 that I've heard. - You know, I used to say 230. - It might have been the best 230 that I've heard. - Part of the craft is knowing when to say 230, and when to actually pronounce it 230. - 230, yeah. - It really, there is a right and a wrong. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I was exiting the bathroom, your hand towel, identical, not a shade lighter or darker than my shorts. I was, it pleased me so much. - It's just going to the bathroom or jerk off it. (laughing) - It pleased me so much, and this is an example. - You know, you didn't want to have your legs show it. - Yeah. - We could have just done that. - Listen, so it pleased me so much, and I was just mentioning, this is the sense of wonderment. I was like, and there, I was like, oh my god. (laughing) - That's a good small example. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Now, you know, it's a small thing like, when you get to just be outside and mother earth is doing what it does, and the leaves of changing colors and falling. - You know where they change colors? - Well, they're dying. They're running out of hydration or something like that. - Photosynthesis. - Photosynthesis is part of it. - Okay. - So, as light goes into the tree, the leaves, it takes in that energy, right? Now, when the, are you familiar with Worgie Biff? - Yes. - Mr. Mrs. Bittskid. - Yeah, I know, I know. - So, when the sun rays in the light comes in and out because of, less energy is actually hitting it. So, it changes its color to adapt to those, to be able to take in a little bit more of it. - A little bit more of it. - You have green, you have violet, you have red, you have infrared, and when it gets to the point where as they go down and the leaves even turn red, what's below that? - It then. - Brown. - Fall, and you know what else I've learned? That it has become a status, well, this is not what I've learned. Let me first say, it has become a status to keep your lawns looking a certain way. People rake leaves and they will put them in piles and then throw them in landfills where they then have to decompose on top of each other. And it's now become, this natural thing is literally become trash. And instead of it degrading into the earth where the carbon monoxide could then go, it'd be filtered through, it's now being released into the air. And also, we're stopping actual ecosystems that the leaves come and that protects the ground during the winter months where bugs and certain things could keep warm and survive, like these are supposed, it's all more to the process. - Yeah, I love it when I love in the fall when the whole yard is filled with leaves and you could just dive into them. - But even then, you're diving into them because they're raked into piles. That's what I'm saying. - No, I don't necessarily mean diving into a pile, but you know, sometimes they're all over the place. I would probably say not not being misquoted if possible, but you did say that. I said, I dove into the leaves. You said they were in a pile. You said that. - I just, I really believe you said pile and I could be wrong as they see it. We'll swipe back to what he really said originally, please. - I love in the fall when the whole yard is filled with leaves and you could just dive into it. - See? - Might not do an alternative take. We'll come back. - You all right. - I am, I think, correct it. - Queens, which ever won. - Queens Boulevard. Why is that up there? - I'm a fan of Entourage. - Oh, is that why? - You know that's Vinny Chase's. - Of course, yeah, I am Queens Boulevard. - Yeah, I also have Aqua Man. - Oh, I didn't notice that. I didn't catch you. - You probably see it right now. Just go a little bit to your right. - I don't see it, but I believe you. There's no reason for you to be lying to me. And to be something I can fact check easily. So I'm gonna say that it's there. - Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I really like the show Entourage. - Are you good at Monopoly? - Yeah, and there's really, I'm good at Monopoly, the same reason I'm good at Blackjack. There are, it's, do it or don't do it. There's no, it depends on. - I don't know if that tracks for me. - Give me a Blackjack and assuming I'm not counting cards, just statistically just with this hand, tell me what I have, tell me what you have showing. - Okay, you have two cards, right? So you have a seven showing and an eight showing. - Okay, and what do you have showing? - I have a nine and I have a-- - No, you only, in the other ones, the deal is down. - Nine. - Right, 10 out of 10 times, I hit that 15. - You hit it, yeah. - 10 out of 10. - 10 out of 10 times. I will always hit that, I should always hit that 15. Now, granted, if it's double deck Blackjack and I'm doing a little bit of counting and I see that the, you know, the card-- - You do counting? - I'm not like great at it and nor do I do it. But if I were to do it, double deck is how you do it. And you could see if we're running high, if we're running low, you maybe could make some alteration. - You're remembering when it's been shown. - It's plus one, minus one, and then you count the aces. So it's not remembering all the cards. It's just 10 Jack Queen King. You remember it's plus one, two through nine is minus one. And then if there's an ace, so you know how many aces, you know, double deck, there's only eight aces. So, I'm not really fond, but I don't know what I'm saying is-- - I don't really play, I know the game, but-- - Well, let me explain it in monopoly terms. I land on park place and I have the money, I'm buying it. - Well, but I want to save-- - No, no, you pick up that real estate. - I pick up all the, it would be a fool. You buy everything you can in the beginning. - You buy everything you can, period. And the idea is, as you do that, you're going to keep getting more money for more berries. - Yeah, but sometimes it's no money, no problems. - Well, the more money I think about, the more problems I see, but I don't have to. I'm not even thinking about it. Oh, it's 15, I hit. - Do you know where-- - You got seven or higher? - I'm hitting. - You're hitting, you're hitting. - Where I shine in monopoly is the negotiations. - Remind me negotiations, 'cause I don't remember playing negotiations. - What, buying, selling houses or hotels? What are you negotiating? - Yeah, I mean, I-- - I don't know if this is one of the rules. - The way I play it is, you just can make any type of deal you like. - Well, give me an example. - All right, if you like-- - With a bank, 'cause you can't speak for the bank. - I can't speak for the bank, but if you can land on my property, and I can be like, you know what, I'll give you a pass on this. But what I want from you is I want, you know, three passes in the future. - Oh, well, that's great. I never knew this. - Yeah, or like, I'll give you a pass on this, but give me, I won't, you know, subsidize it this way. Or you know what I mean? Like, just subsidize it this way. I don't understand. 'Cause you can't take their house. - Do you play with money in free parking? Do you put money under free parking? - I don't, I don't remember if that's what the rules said. I haven't played in a while. - So that's what I know of? - I think there's a way that's very popular way to play that might not be in the rules where you start with a couple of hundred bucks under free parking, and then also when anyone never pays like fees for like a talent, like, you know, the show that goes under free parking. - He's fees for what? - Like when you pull a chance card or whatever, and it's like, you know, pay, you know, you got it. Pay $20, 'cause you, you know, whatever, it goes in there. And then when you land on free parking, you take that pot. So it's a little extra way to start. - So you still want to think the same? By the way, if I ever land on free parking, I'll give you half of the stuff if you suck my cock and you might ask. I'll get you out of jail right now, but what I want you to do is next time you collect, go, I get that 200. Like I just, it's a, you just go, just open it up. - Love that. - Yeah, and that's where I love, I really like the shine. - That's where I found that I can make a break things. - If we lived, if we were roommates and/or lived really close with each other in distance wise, I would suggest doing it every now and then show. And it doesn't have to just be monopoly. You could start with that. I got signed from an monopoly right there. And. - That's so fun. - Never, I don't think I've ever even opened it. I haven't. There's somebody gave it to me. - Oh, so cool. Where we would play negotiation properly. That's a great, that's a fun thing. You always have four people, I guess minimum, three, but the negotiations are parts of it. - The person over at Monopoly that decided to take the board and brand it with all different types of things, they got to be, they have to be a star over there. - You know what it reminds me of. A lot of people complain about it. Sometimes I think it's cool how magic the gathering gotten into IPc. and this is a final fantasy, Final Fantasy with Magic Gathering. - Oh wow. - Yeah. That's so cool. - That's so cool. Booster's back. These are cool. - Do you play with anybody? Is that how you accumulate? 'Cause it is a game, right? Although it's a collectible, it's a game. - It's a game first. - When you play the game, are your pieces at risk of losing them to other people? - I don't play for anti. - Okay. - No, I play for me. I'm sometimes my uncle. - You've played Dungeons and Dragons. - I have. - Okay, that's the one I don't know how to play. - I haven't played it a lot. I've got to play before with people who explain it to me. It's pretty easy to pick up when you go. - 'Cause I feel like you would be like, 'cause it's all about like making up stuff, right? - Well, there's a dungeon master - Yeah. - who makes up stuff. - Don't they dictate like the stakes and the world and the battles and the this and the that. You're like, you know, you orchestrate everything. - You know who's big enough that you know Joe Maganello? - I don't know. - The tall hot guy from Magic Mike. He's been done all the things too. - Oh, Mangio. Joe Maganello, am I saying it right? - You're thinking of Luigi. - No, I'm not. No, no, it wasn't. I may know him, I don't know. I didn't see Magic Mike. - Good movie. - And he's a magic player in a Dungeons and Dragons player and his house is, it's what nerds would do if they were, you know, TV stars or movie stars. - Okay. - Just this custom table that he had made. I follow one of the counts where he got the table from. It's cool. If you see, they take these amazing pieces of wood and they resin some stuff and it's stunning. And the wall with these like really cool looking big ass that they're probably pretty heavy dragon heads, you know. And it's just a layer, dude. - Yeah. - It's gorgeous. - Yeah. And I'm like, I want to, I want to like this, I would want to play with this stuff, but. - Yeah, I never really got into the culture. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just played for the first time with my daughter, Hungry Hungry hippos. - For the first time with your daughter. - With my daughter, yeah, yeah. I went to a coffee shop and they had it there and so we sat down and played it. So I just showed it for the first time. And she was like, this is out of control. - Was it just the two of you? - Yeah. - Did you each have two? - Yeah, we just played with, yeah, we had, it was just, I mean, it wasn't really competitive. We were just, because you're better than her. - Yeah, I mean, I don't want to like, I don't want to, I don't want her to know how badly she could be dominated at any game and any time from me per se. - Do you actually want her to find that out sooner than later? - No, I do, I beat her. It was, you know, but I will say, like it was, I felt like when I was younger, it functioned more properly. It was very hard, like the things weren't rolling the right way and it was a frustrating experience, but it was cool to see her as like, see Hungry Hungry hippo. I mean, there's a game, you want to talk games. There's a game that, I don't know when it came out, but I've never seen a commercial for that. I've never seen an advertisement for that. And that has just stayed the course. It's like, sold. - Oh, I remember when we were a little. - Yes. - When we were little. But like, I mean, it's been 40 years. - You know, I, because I used to advertise to the kids and now they advertise to the moms. And the moms already know about it. So, you've seen an advertisement for it recently or no? - No, I'm saying is, you don't see advertisements for things for kids anymore because they're not watching TV. - Oh, right, right, right, right. But I'm shocked to see it. There's like a new one. Like I'm shocked that it's still like, don't you see the body positivity ones where it's like, eat if you want to, hippos? - I have not. Okay. And they're all, some of them are fat as fuck and some of them are skinny. - Yeah. - Some of them are blue, some of them are red, some of them are yellow, some of them are black. - Okay. - Ask my uncle. - Who's your uncle? - Benapura. - First base. (laughing) - Well, you got to hard out. - Yeah, man. - So, I know we can feel our energies accepting it now. - I can feel it. - I love you so. - I love you so much. - I'm so excited about you. No, the rest of your 20s, 26 states. (laughing) - Yeah, you want me to say them again, 'cause I will. - Well, you're the ones that you have inside of me. - No, no, I said them all. I said them all. - Well, if you get some new ones. - Yeah. - We'll just have to, you know what? I should open up, or at least, you know what? To be more realistic, close every episode. Whenever you have a new date, send it to me. So I could throw it in. By the way, real quick, you know, Sal's got a new date, this is what it is. If you remember, I'll do it. - Kind of really? - Yeah. - Okay. - I'll do that. - Or we could do it like, maybe not the end, maybe during a commercial, maybe just like, this episode, you know, sponsored by Sal Volcanoes 2026 dates. What's up everybody? It's your boy, Sal. You already know the stuff that's out. We're really excited. I'm gonna be in Chicago, Illinois, 60652 real soon. I'll be in New York City, New York State, 10108. You believe that. And, you know what, back to the show. Please enjoy Ben Haper. - Oh, that's really great. I'll do that. If I ever get Ben Harper on the show, do you want to come on and do a bit with me? - Yeah, I want to do every bit all the time. I'm competitive because I know that you have people here. They've been on a lot. And I feel like if we live close to each other. - I want to get on it more. - I would be on like, already like a couple of dozen times. I swear to God. But this is my 4.0. And, you know, I just want to, I don't want to be that long again before I get to 5.0. You know what I'm saying? It's my favorite. It's my favorite. - You know, we've done, how many Dr. Phil's have you done too? - Three. - 'Cause I've done twice and they were both with you. I was just realizing. - Yeah. - But no, that wasn't Tyso. - Sal, you want to ask something that Blake Griffin may or may not be in too? - No. - I'll come back to you, Sal Dex. Sal, do you got one for him? - Not at all. - No, I'll be better now, I'll be better. - He'll be better now. - What about the checkers? - Check the burger establishment, or the game? - No, no, the game. - Of course he likes checkers. He's black and red. - We'll be right back. (audience cheering) - All right. - No. - That's why I was thinking, like, is it just been, 'cause I know this is 4.0, but am I forgetting something? - No, we did these four, and then we did the one backstage and stuff, but. - Yeah, yeah. - Sal Volcano 3.0 is in the lore of the Take You Shoes off Universe when people are suggesting episodes of what you should watch. Many people say that's the one to watch. - It's my favorite podcast of experience of all time, without a doubt. And I sent you this, I didn't know this, but they did some type of roundup, like for the best podcast of last year. And it's like the top three or something like that, or the top three or top five singular podcast episodes of this year. And we had like number two or three or something like that. - I remember there was this. There was the joke world. - That's probably it. - I don't think, was that, was that, was that, was that, what was that? - The joke world, shout out to joke world, they talk a lot about comedy stuff and they're pretty cool, and they do a thing where this was a thing. And I remember an episode of this, I don't remember if it was this, I thought this was, I don't want to see even say-- - No, it was, it was, yeah, it wasn't. Yeah, they did a roundup of like the best episodes, and that was on there. And I'm like, I still don't like revealing what it was. If you haven't seen Sal 3.0, watch it from the beginning, and don't read the comments. Although people are pretty good at not spoiling stuff in the comments. - One of the best moments of my life, it was like a really fun moment with my friend, and it was really special that like a lot of people loved, so it was like a core memory. - When sometimes, like if I'm with a buddy or something, I like like, hey, can I show you something from my podcast, like someone who doesn't know my podcast at all, that's one of the ones, that's one of the ones where I'm like, I want to show you this thing. And then sometimes, there's just some singers I have on. I like to show like, but as far as that moment was concerned, it was like, was it funny, was it cool, was it sweet, was it surprising, you know what I mean? Like it was just, and the fact that what made it happen, everybody was into what it takes to make that happen. - Right, I was like, okay, cool, let's do this. - Yeah, yeah. - And the way you cut that whole thing together too was, like with the text messages, the voice messages, and like us texting back and forth and all that stuff, like the way you set it all up. - Oh, that wasn't, I was cut, that was playing right to you. You're saying, I still feel like I don't want to say anything even though people have seen it or anything, but whatever. Also, shout out to the way it was cut in all the other ones, R2, and I'll say anything away. John Michael, Tom, Bates. I didn't forget your last name, but I was just gonna go over and say Matt Day for sound mixing. But then I was like, Tom, then Matt, so I need to go back, I didn't forget your name, Tom. Check out Animal Act. - What's his name? - Tom Bates. - That's hard to remember, is it? - It might be. - 'Cause Bates, 'cause to me, it says, Hitchcock. - Yeah, you're right. - Which, even if you never heard of him, not a hard name to remember, I would just think of Will Smith and his dick. - Yeah. And for Taiso fans, John Michael is working with me on Manouche. So, shout out to that sweet man. And thank you for connecting us. Because I said, I want to have this cut very particularly. I need someone with a skill set that understands comedy and the best example I can think of of a podcast that is this innovative and this good was this. And so I said to you, who's your guy? - You know, you might even say that this is the most innovative video podcast. I wonder if we'll even get an award for that. We'll see. - You should. - John Michael is, is capable of that, but also we got to get him into some narrative stuff. He's got to be doing movies, some TV, the guys legit. He's got the goods. The guys got the goods. And also, we've got a place, John Michael bleep this if you want. I'll say New Jersey, which I don't think you'll need a bleep. And then I'll go ahead and I'll say Hoboken. And take all this out if you want. But he just got back on some dating apps. He's throwing himself out there, trying to, we're all, listen, congratulations to you. But the rest of us, we're trying to find the person. I wish for you guys what I have. I really do, because it's the best. But if you're a woman who is interested in that area of being with a, I'm going to call him an athlete. John Michael, put up your date and your numbers here. I could be wrong. He ran a marathon in close to an average of a six minute mile. An average of? I think so. Am I remembering that right? That's. I don't know. That seems like one of these stuff. I mean, it's something I've never, maybe to do. I could an average of six minute mile in one mile. So you couldn't run a mile in six minutes? Correct. Yeah. You don't have to. But if you could picture him doing it, that's called empathy, because you're running in his shoes. Okay. So, John Michael, musician, athlete, talented, those are the big three kind, funny, two names and one. Technically it's one name, so is it two names and one? But it's a name with two names in it, which is rare. So Sal, but you don't think of it that way. How? How a Sal. Sal and L. Sure, but he's not jykel. Ginger ale. Ginger ale. You can have ginger ale. California, Uber ale, Uber else. Byron Allen. I saw something that he wants to take Jimmy, Steve Colbert's spot. No, really? Yeah. And I just put back out the, uh, comics, I'm thinking about that because I've been on comics at least. No. But I, but, but when I'm in Cleveland, Alvin is. Yeah. He's unleashed. Oh. Got it. No, have you been on it? Have you put on the chipmunks holiday song with him and yelled Alvin at him yet? I, I haven't. It's a good idea. Maybe during Christmas. Yeah. I'm now remembering. When you slept over that night, you and I watched some, we were looking up some comics unleashed. Remember? Oh, yeah. Because it's the most fun thing to watch. Yes. And, and, and, and let's just be kind. Yeah. Because the truth is there is something funny about it that we both think, which is, and it's great. And it's a great platform and everyone's wonderful and it's so wonderful. I'm so glad it's out there. That like late night, you'd be like, hey, Sal, have you, um, because I, I know you like, you did in practical jokers and, and you have, um, like you did, uh, taste buds and, and, and the other stuff. But like, if you ever thought about doing any other podcast, oh, I'm glad you asked. I actually have this thing called Manouche. Yeah. tend that you don't know. It's a leading question just to prompt you for your material. But the comics unleashed leads, and I know you gotta go, but given it's, you know, like, oh, sorry, sorry, you were doing it in that moment. Yeah, I was doing, I was like trying to lead you to promote Manouche, and people who are not in the know might be like, oh, that's cool, he isn't in the podcast. This was planned beforehand. I knew what to ask you, in comics unleashed. It's like, let's just get to the goods, we don't need to worry about hiding the exposition. So it's one person talking, so you look like a guy who likes to eat his own mustache. You know, it's funny that you bring that up. One of the favorite ones that I left out, it was, it was one of our friends and my buddy, Jay Ocasin. He, this was his, he told me, and I die every time. Our buddy, Mike Vecchione is a comic, you know, he's been amazing comic. And they came back from commercial, so everyone's clapping, clapping, clapping, and it just, the clapping died down. He went, so Mike Vecchione, you work out? He hasn't been about working out. You cannot get right into it. It's just so like, and then it's just so funny as a comic, 'cause you're like, you could tell. I mean, I mean, I maybe even the regular person could tell. But it's just like, it's so funny to then turn and just start delivering material from a seat without a mic. You know, it's not a conversation, but they make it a conversation. And they're just something so, I don't know, for me, it's just, it's so like. There's a slight discomfort. It's not even bad. It's just a little bit like, I would be in bear, like, so, you know, you like to eat your own mustache? I actually have a bit about that. Like I would want to at least say, like, I'm not trying to lie to anybody, you know? I'm not trying to take advantage of this. - Right, right. - That's funny that you brought that up. I actually talk about, you know, like something. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, you gotta go. - Yeah, I'm sorry. - One point of dates. - You got 'em already. - I got 'em already. - All right, saddlecannocomedy.com before all the dates. Let me take a Polaroid, I'll let you out of here. - Okay. - Theme music. - Stay there. - Yes. - I'm not gonna go that close. I mean, I'm gonna go that close. It's five there. - I'm looking. Shall I look here? - I'm looking right in the middle. - No, no, no, no, look at the point again. We're looking there. - Oh, that? - Yeah, what is it? - Oh, I was looking at that. - Yeah, look at that. - Okay, look at that, okay. ♪ Scoot, do ♪ ♪ Blabberty blue ♪ ♪ Scoot, do ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪