Saints

[Music] Hello and welcome to Three Bean Salad. A couple of things to talk about before we start. Henry Jesperé Pest Record said, "I've got some things to chat about." Which springs alarm bells for me for some reason. Okay. [Laughter] First I was beginning of a long shift, doesn't it? [Laughter] Yeah. Sometimes when you're on the little tugboat that takes you out to the oil rig, you know it's going to be a particularly cruel night for eight months. You look back at your wife on the harbour, you can see she's already texting her boyfriend. She's waving because you've forgotten your pack lunch. Yeah. Eight months. Eight months for cheese sandwich. That's eight months worth of cheese. A hyper-compacted vacuum. It's a vacuum-compaction system, isn't it? You'll see information about it in America. You can get 900 cheese sandwiches, can't you? Into the size of a. Into the size of a credit card. [Laughter] A little bit of a negotiated shit with Sydney. So if you can borrow her corn-beef sandwiches, she's not going to give you them. She's not going to give you them. And also, as you look away, your wife, she's already texting her boyfriend. She's snorkeying. What looks like an octopus? It's the new octopus mayor of your town. [Laughter] And you realise you, in your brief visit at home from the last end of the rig, you've really not been paying attention to what's changed. [Laughter] Because society does move on, doesn't it? When you're on the rig. I wonder if we have any rig listeners? Well, they shouldn't be listening, because we make it very clear at the beginning of every podcast that this is not to be listened on oil rigs, is it? Or cruise ships. Yes. There's a special license. That's right. Because of a legal thing. Yes. Well, anywhere where you can hurl yourself into the sea, we think it's a bad idea, isn't it? But strike high in at the same time. Yes. Especially if that sea might be on fire, which I think happens around the oil rigs. Yes, you get flaming sea, which is one of the most confusing ways to go. It's in flaming sea. Because you're doing where to put yourself out, or if that's just feeding the problem. [Laughter] Or you're doing the eight nights. It's hard to know which way to. Either way, it feels like we're downing with something we should have left alone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I think rig people must be into podcasts, right? Because they just must be borders and thing. Yeah. I'm going to guess they might be on the slightly more less whimsical end of the spectrum. I'm taking the nose. I'm just going to. Yeah, I mean, that might be very, very unfair, actually. Maybe a lot of. If you're a whimsical rigor, there might be a lot of. Get in touch. Watercolors going on. There might be a lot of watercolors. We don't know. Who's modeling tonight? Do you want to make it? Yes. Yeah. And they may always be a production of little women at stage diversion of it going on in. At any one time. Oh, the things the experiments they've done with that, are the ways they've taken it. What they've done with little women in the North Sea. If you haven't seen it in the North Sea, you haven't seen it. And. But it's true, I think as you're on that tugboat going out to the rig, you look behind you and you see your wife snogging the octopus faced in the air of your town. I think one of the feelings you'd have is you're very much a person out of time in a way. You know what I mean? Yes. But the isolation you feel on the rig is actually really only a metaphor for a deep isolation, which is the fact that you haven't kept up with a new cycle. Yes. Society's more as change. You just. You got home, you had a month off. What is it? You just hit the boxets. You just watch the boxets. You've got better series on Amazon. That's all you do. Well, what you do is you watch the filmed versions of little women that are available. Yes. So you've got something to offer. Yeah, exactly. Because they just think about the next production. That's all they're thinking about is the next production. Because you get back to the rigging of guys, I watch them all and none of them feature young, best, march, glying, inflaming sea. None of them do that. The productions they've done, because they've done some macro productions, haven't they? They've done everyone covered in oil productions. That was an early one. They didn't press where it was all seabirds. Every character is a seabird. Yep. They've done a cheese puppetry. They did one where the little women were besieged by some green piece protesters. Yep. Now, may I remind both you, Henry, and the listeners that for the past few weeks, Henry's been dangling the prospect of a little anecdote about gloves and a thought about anti-rebutto, which he's yet to pull the trigger on. Essentially, the end of Ben, I'm glad you brought that up, because that's what I wanted to address today. We're at the Bantinox, aren't we? We're at the halfway period of the point of the series. Yeah, at the beginning of episode five. So at the exact halfway point of the series. So what I thought I wanted to do was just to do some sort of anecdote or clean out. You're okay. Purge and the interests of renewal. Yes, pigs, 100, but exactly mine. Like a newly woken bear passing the fecal plug. It's been sat there since October, before gorging on the first round of its ease. Exactly. So I am that bear, browsing or perhaps going to sleep. I didn't fully concentrate during your, your previous comment. Yeah, but you do know about hibernation when that might happen though. I imagine. Oh, you better not mess with this guy. You know, when it comes to that. It's like a Spanish siesta, isn't it? It's every day during the summer for two hours. Yeah, I just want to get some stuff off Manic Total Desk. If you know what I mean. I think the audience might appreciate that. So there's a few things that I need to, so there's gloves, there's anchovy butter. Basically something happened to me a few weeks ago, which I haven't had time to talk about in the podcast, because you took in blading on so much. Also, there's something that happened in my holiday Paris that I haven't talked about. Oh my god, we need to clear the decks. So we've got to clear the decks. So I might just get my head down and get through this stuff. Yeah, I would give the same advice to the listeners. (laughing) Of course, YouTube don't have the benefit of a fast forward at this point, do you? (laughing) Because you're experiencing the anecdote live, whereas the other people, the people listening to it, experience it later, don't they? Just to explain why we're doing this over a kind of zoom technology, you can see us, we mean my car wearing headphones, but you can never truly know what we're listening to on the headphones. That's a good point, actually. Yeah. Because sometimes I do hear a bit leaking out, and it sounds like classic FM. It's often Alexander Armstrong introducing Debussy, isn't he? That's right. But just the introductions, you don't listen to Debussy, you just. I skip through the music. I'm therefore Armstrong, really. Oh, that voice of his. It's the calming way he introduces, isn't it? Yeah. You know who else I've really, last night, had a delicious voice. Is whoever does the voice over on MasterChef the Professionals? (laughing) I've never seen him. I don't tend to watch that kind of thing, but I started watching it last night, and his voice, the voice over is unbelievably rich and smooth. And velvety. I think it is Sean Pertwee. I looked it up. Is it? He knows he's face he recognized from various British films. Oh, okay. He's in loads of stuff. His credits include Chancellor, Leon the Pig Farmer, and Cadvile. Exactly. Cadvile, you still love Cadvile. What's Cadvile? Cadvile, he was a monk and a detective. Ah, Cadvile. Yeah. Was he the original. Was he the original sexy? Sexy. Yeah. Oh, that's sexy monk. He was a sexy monk. He's a very sexy voice over artist. On Must-Juff professional, they really recommend it. And he's very good at saying what they constantly saying in Must-Juff professionals on the voice over, which is, and now David is making a French word he didn't recognize followed by ingredient that you do recognize. That's okay. And now Kevin is now deeply involved in his Bundesland year, the mushrooms. (laughing) So he's not pressing too hard on the French, but he's giving a respectful pronunciation. He judges it just right. Hey, good, nice. He doesn't go full. Ah, he's a little bit loud. (laughing) And now let's see how Susan's getting on with a libous d'in. Banana. Exactly. Exactly. Oh no, Rogers completely made an absolute balls up of his fendous knee under. debenes. (laughing) Look out for it. So what we've got is we've got. We've got gloves, we've got extra paris anecdote, we've got entry butter, and we've got. Which like, if you're a teaser. Yeah. Ping pong. Oh god. (laughing) Ping pong in Paris. No. Oh, that's a little crazy fool. (laughing) You think I would have sat on a ping pong in Paris story for this long? After what Shalame said about the ballet, you mad exactly. (laughing) So he burned all the ping pong holes down. (laughing) So sorry, Henry, what's on the. What's on the decks? What do we got? We've got ping pong story. Yeah. Paris story? Yes. Paris ping pong entry butter gloves. Right. Anything else? That's it. So let's try and get through these forth of the love of. Come on. Yeah. Okay. We've got the agenda. Unfortunately, it feels too late for me to have excused myself and say I'm unavailable for the meeting. (laughing) Yes. Because you are here. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So we're just going to have to play on. Also, you should have arranged a safety call, Mike. Which is the call. You used to do that for the first couple of serieses. You always had a safety call. Ten minutes and you get a call. Your wife was constantly giving birth. Yeah. Yeah. So it's another kid, guys. It's another kid. (laughing) It was when Mike had to keep naming the kids and he'd sort of run out of normal names. And he was saying, oh, this. We've called it Galeano. Yeah. That's when we realised he was making it out. Yeah, exactly. So I've got to go and tend to zam band and use. Am I going to use them to my favourite market town? Yeah. And then it was really going to get a run. Yeah. You can't call it a little gulston or. (laughing) It's not okay. Okay. Take it away, Henry. What are you starting with? What's number one on the agenda? I think you guys choose. Oh, well, let me contain my excitement. So it's Gloves Ping Pong, Paris 2, or Entry Butter. Gloves, please. Gloves. Okay. So this is a quick one. Yeah. Bear in mind, this has been Trailed Now for weeks. (laughing) But luckily you've used them. that time to make sure you've really punched it up and some of it, some of it, you've been a believer. High end, and it's how you use of like, oh yeah, this has been through the absolute script ringer. I actually handed it over to the extenders guys for a while because they're so quick at quick turnaround, they can have a hammer of story and to shake. Well and Tina Fey was in town as well. Tina Fey was in town. She got a roaring. So the club's thing was just quite simple. So you know that situation where it happens. - So gloves are the, clarin can, crick, crick, crick, crick, I've got stuck on the, crick, I've got stuck on the cloth, cloth, cloth, cloth, cloth, cloth, cloth, the glide, glide, glide, glop, glop, glop. I'm drowning, I'm drowning in anecdotal flames, okay, keep it together, keep it together, try to embrace under pressure. - Yeah? - Yeah, you can score a hat trick in the urbe-on, your own in your flat, but can you score a hat trick in front of Mike and Ben? (laughing) Come on. - This is where, this is where you're smelted. What's the question again? - Hey, gloves, gloves. So gloves are one of the most loosable items, and I'm the same as loos, I loose things all the time. - I've lost the radiator. - Yeah. - So often I find myself in a situation where, when I've gone somewhere, and I check my gloves, oh, I've only got one. So at the gym, for example, play the jingle. (inhaling) - It's blazing, what, 30, 45 seconds? (laughing) I think every thing to the level got, come on. (laughing) - Make this work. (laughing) - Are you scared, idiot? (laughing) - You fucking idiot, Henry. (laughing) - Henry's beef gage journey. (thunder rumbling) - Then we're back. - And we're back to about a month ago at the gym. I got myself in a situation which is quite unusual, which was I went to check, 'cause quite often, I've left a glove there, I've had to go back or a scarf. These are very loosable items. And I went to get my gloves out of the locker, and often, you know, one will have just one glove. I had three. - Three of. (laughing) - I had three of the same glove. - Would you literally mean the same? - Yeah. - I'd identical all left handed gloves. - This is your Michael Jackson collection. (laughing) - I think it was a left and a right and a left, I think. - Or a right and a left and a right, I got a member. - But essentially what I'd done is anti-lost. I'd actually positively lost a glove. - By stealing one. (laughing) - So this is the promise you make at the beginning of the film. - He's found three gloves in his locker. - Oh God. (laughing) - Also, in the open and credit secrets has been me working out in the gym. So, fuck me now. (laughing) - It's been a pretty, yeah. - And you're played by Statham. - So we've got two mysteries. How has it got three gloves? And how does he look like that if he regularly goes to the gym? - Yes. - Also, what's happened to Jason Statham? (laughing) - But is it just 'cause you've lost, 'cause you've been losing things for a long time now? Have you just lost enough gloves that now, I actually realistically, in most places, you have a glove. - Wait, it's a form of territory marking. - So they've now, you've just accumulated gloves. - Ping pong. (laughing) - No, we're not done with the gloves. That's the promise. Now you get to find out how I ended up with most normal human beings with a fraction bit of empathy. Would be wondering how I got that third glove. - Well, I'm up against two fucking ballads with faces painted on. That's how it feels. I tell you what, and most ballads make you feel, at least make you feel safe. Where you're the opposite. You're like danger ballads. (laughing) - Your ballad's in front of a fucking hospital entrance. I can't get into this block by ballads. - We didn't start life as ballads. (laughing) We were made ballads because these were once beautiful Elven creatures who had told so many anecdotes that didn't necessarily have school phase-y leveling and endings that we've been balladified. - Yeah, you're talking about his anecdotal ossification. (laughing) - That's what we've been saying. - That's what, yeah. - And if you're listening and you do have that yourself, please call the action line. (laughing) - If you're shimming your fingers, still work, which is unlikely. - It may not be too late. You may still be, might be able to make you onto those retractable ballads or a hinged one. That's probably the most we can promise at this stage. The ones that are always impressed you on a holiday in Belgium. - Yes, and yeah. - Like a young couple will stand on a take photographs on. And then it pops up and expectantly or expectantly. - Yeah, probably a bit of both. But either way a ballad warden will come and tell you off. - Yeah. - And you'll end up going home thinking, bloody hell, the council tanks we pay in Britain, the society has probably structured so much better here in some way than that came. - Yeah. - To do with pedestrianized spaces. - Something to do with pedestrianization. - Yeah. - And it doesn't matter how bad the rest of your holiday is or what happens, you'll still think that on the way back. - And also you thought the chips were better. - Yeah. - I was supposed to be good at chips. (laughing) - But you'll be also, you will be slightly comforted though. But the fact that we didn't have to make any territorial surrenders during World War II. (laughing) We didn't lose that in the inch of ground in World War II, darling. - Darling, is that you? Are you still? - Darling, sorry, I forgot you're from Jersey. I'm sorry. (laughing) You're my Jersey girl. That's what I call you. You're my Jersey girl. (laughing) - I know you were occupied. And your multi-square mother, I'm sorry. (laughing) I call them a little multi-s, I don't know you guys. I'm tasting a little multi-s, but you've always said, is inappropriate. - So where are we? Are we at the inciting incident here? Are we at the denouement? Are we well on the. - So that's inciting incident. I'm gonna quickly give you what happened. - So this is minute what? Five of the movie? We've had four minutes of working out and like, - Like, say, say them working out. - And like credits and paramount. - And whatever. - So if we're five minutes into the movie, we'll just write it back to the beginning of the story, but I'll rattle through that. Which is basically how's it ended with three of the same glove? So the reason is, because I lose gloves so often, I lost a glove recently at a party. Now this is a party that Mike wasn't at when to. I'm not gonna say whose party it was, but that person is actually a listener. So they're gonna learn something today as well, but they didn't know. - I'm not a listener, you know, I'm one of the co-hosts. (laughing) - I always forget technically, yay. - Sorry, sorry, sorry. - I'm not here because of a prize. (laughing) - Sorry, I forget. Ben, I always forget Mike chips in so much now, like I think he thinks he seems part of the East Bay. - He's sort of like he's part of it, isn't he? He's like he's part of the show, it is. - Anyway, it was a summer party as well. It was last summer, I think, or last year at some point. And anyway, the person, I got in touch with the person, he said, have you found, just say, "I think I may have left my glove at your party." - Why are we wearing gloves in the summer? - You're absolutely perfect. - I know, must be the winter party then. - So I was thinking outdoors, I must have been wearing gloves. - Do you wear gloves indoors? - So when do you wear gloves? - Were you handling rare bird eggs? (laughing) - Well, they're showing you the private folio collection. (laughing) - That's right. - You're always ready for a folio, aren't you? - Yes. - That's right. - That's right, it was the first folio of "Tambillion, the Great Night" party. - Wasn't it Mike? - That's right, we love those first folio parties of "Tambillion, the Great Night." - We get to leave through. - No, there must be a winter party about outdoors, but confusing. - That person didn't get back in touch. Now, these gloves were a gift to me from a family member. - So that got me, so I had a bit, I was a bit like, "Oh, these are the gloves, "I've got one of the gloves." This is the nightmare about gloves, you lose one glove, what you do with this bear glove. And by the way, that's why this anecdote ends with me coming up with a solution to that. Basically, the friend got back in time, said, "No sign of your glove." So in the meantime, what I did was, I bought myself these gloves again. I bought the same gloves again for myself, because of events. - So it's not to cause events. Hoping the other one might turn up at some point, I don't know, but I thought, I've still got one. Then when I bought the new gloves, I had the one old glove and I had the two new gloves. - Yeah. - You're sitting pretty. (laughing) In terms of the glove loser. - Do you know what I mean? - You got a voucher that it's ready to go. Exactly, that's why from a narrative point of view, Mike, it's so brilliant that this happens. - Yeah. - Right about halfway through Act One, a brutal overconfidence. - Brutal overconfidence. - This guy's sitting pretty. He's in that with three gloves, and you're like, "If only the film could end right now, because everyone's one, I don't need to piss that much." - I hang on. - But wait, who's Ray Leotter? (laughing) Ray Leotter is the dog, because there's a dog in the story, and it's from the point, it's all from the point of view of the dog. - Essentially, I was sitting pretty. I had two gloves in a backup for one hand. (laughing) It's a pretty safe position to be in. - Yeah. - But anyway, that's the situation I mean, but then what happens is, the person whose party at Walls gets in touch, my dog has found your glove. - Okay. - You can cut the atmosphere. - Where's the knife? - Couldn't you? What do I do? - Just get the gun out. - Just have it. - Don't have it. - Just have it. - You've got to buy into the illusion of art, haven't you been? Otherwise, yes, it does disappear at Walls apart. Yes, if you don't buy into it. - But then what I did was I got back in touch with that person and said, "Oh, thanks. Thanks." That's really good. So then I got the gun. So I never told him that I bought the new gloves, so he's finding that out now, live. I feel like we're in a section of the anecdote that could have been edited down. - Yeah? - Yeah. - Okay. (laughing) - But you know what I do in this situation, I double down, like, I'm just having more stuff to try and rescue it. - I try and pull it round. That's what I do. It's such a high-risk space that we're all in right now. - But also, like, I think Henry thinks this is the crux of the anecdote. - Okay. - So basically that person, thanks for finding the glove. But in the meantime, I did buy new gloves. So I've now got four gloves. Okay. Okay. But we are now in the problem whether you don't know whether or not you're in a situation where you're picking up the gloves or whether this is someone who might send the gloves. No, he's given me the gloves. He's given me the gloves. The found glove because we've bombed each other since he's given me the gloves. So I've now got two pairs of gloves. Okay. So that's why now I sometimes have a situation where, so for example, I've ended up going out with two left handed gloves. And I've had to ride a line bike around with two left handed gloves, which is really hard to do because you have to put the glove on the other way around which means you've got to thumb in a little finger slot and all your fingers in the wrong slot is really hard to know what you're doing in that situation. So I've almost got two any gloves. Clip it up and make that the end of the story. Add some music. Do whatever you do, your little magic, do whatever the fuck it takes. No, but what's the, what that maybe think of is I've had a business idea. Is it gloves? This is my, oh no, it's been done again. No, this is my sort of, in a way, this is my Dragon's Den background story for my business. Yeah. Which is gloves are so loosable. I lose, you know, people lose gloves all the time. My company buys gloves. It buys every set of gloves ever made. Oh no. Are you about to suggest a subscription model for gloves? It's a subscription glove. I'm talking about streaming gloves. Yes, it, yes, it screws over the small glove manufacturer. Yes, it does. And the consumer. And the consumer. But the fact is you get gloves sent to you every week, every kind of glove. The gloves in a way lose their individual from surgical to go. You never know what you're going to get from Falcon Reader Michael Jackson. From Marigolds to those special ones that they're using crime scene investigation. From gardening to veterinary. And when it upgrade to our Proctology package. I said, you fresh that of Proctology gloves every 72 hours. You may have to literally receive an oven mitt. No, so no, my dear is there's a company which basically buys, buys backups of all the gloves. So that when you lose your glove, you put the glove reference number, which I assume all gloves have into the central glove database. Yeah. Just the sort of thing you'd be good at making a note of, isn't it? Oh, yeah. And then we will send you the, so what we can send, we can sell you a left or a right glove essentially an individual glove, which will match the one that you've lost. But here's the clincher. Here's how it makes financial sense. We sell it to you for slightly more than half of the price of both gloves. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you get what I'm saying. You pick it up in a sort of, in a coded locker and a car park somewhere. I'll buy a supermarket. Exactly. Yeah. But let's say it's 40 quid for the gloves. We'll send you, we'll send you the one glove for like 22 quid because I was in that situation and I had to buy fresh pair when I still had one. I think it's quite a good idea for a company and it's also got a name. Gone. Mr Glover, man. Shover. Okay. So all it requires is for you to find some sort of venture catalyst who's happy to literally buy it. I think you said all of the gloves or all of the things. Oh, yeah. That's the only somebody. You have to tie it up. But bring it up. It's a bit of a loss later. It's a numbers game because eventually I will sell both of those gloves for 22 quid each for 44 quid, having bought them for 40. So I've made a tidy four pound profit. Oh, you're buying them at retail price. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You better believe it. Yeah. Okay, Mike. That's why I'm interested in your expertise and spends money. 10% of this company for 50,000 quid and Mike, you can just come aboard for your expertise, but you don't get anything back. We just have to find a way of transporting the spare gloves to these coded lockers in any location in the world for less than £2. So we got that. That's Mike. It's where free. That is where the free glove rental comes in. You can rent any of our gloves for free assuming you pay a £2. Glove handling fee. Yeah. For a glove per day. And then you can walk around with a glove as long as your location you're going to is near the lockers. Yes. And it's so to be like car rental as well. So if you're not dropping the gloves off at the same place, you pick them up. There will be a penalty or if you cross a border, it'll cost more. Yeah. But that's why we team up with Wagon mummers. So all those lockers will be positioned with noodles. With hot noodles. With and using locker technology, which I'm hoping someone that Ben's going to work on with me. But those noodles will be hot and wet at the point of opening the lock. Hot and wet. So you're also going to radicalise the dining experience as well. Exactly. Quite a lot of societal change, you're put here. I'm just going to say we're not going to get on to Antibata, Ping Pong or your Paris story. No, but we've ticked off a big one. We have. But those three now hang over us like the sort of dame fees for the rest of the series. So yeah. So sorry about that. But if there's any consolation in a bit like a doctor administering an enema, it's more fun for the person receiving the enema. I think you said something very revealing the Henry. Put this way. But it's a weight off my mind. Let's turn on the beam machine. This place. This week's topic are sent in by Nathan from Bristol. Thank you. So I've looked at what you need to do to become a saint. If you're interested, for example, Henry. Yeah, you're okay. So I think you're doing great work with Mr Glover, man. Yeah. Yes. It's not necessarily religious organisation, but I think people will, their lives will be improved by it. Yeah, it's, um, but it is about profit. The shareholders come first. I mean, yeah, but yes. Okay. So the process can't happen until five years after the person has died. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Although the Pope can waive this has happened with Mother Teresa to speed up the year. Oh, really? The situation. Yeah. So you get to be a saint in your own lifetime? No, no. After she died, I think they wanted to get it going quickly. Yeah. Yeah. She was hot right now. Do you want to mean? Because let's face it, they know that if you were a saint in your own lifetime, the temptation to fall off the sort of being good wagon. Oh. Because I'd tell you. I'd be straight down blue shoes. Hi, I'm, I'm a saint Henry Packer. I'm a beautiful bloody shot. Boy's mother, I pick card. It be you, the board of FIFA. Yeah. Some of the Gaddafi cousins. Yeah. Have you met Brian? He's lovely. He's actually a Gaddafi. Yeah. Good. Good afternoon. Aiman Holmes. Aiman Holmes. Aiman Holmes. Well, the whole of the, the whole of the Alphacus. The whole of the Alphacus crew will be there. You're so right, though, Henry. They couldn't ever give someone a lie for St. John, because then if they did anything wrong and you would, you would instantly, I'm saint Henry Packer. Oh. What's that going to take my trousers down in Trafalgar Square? I already have. Because I'm saint Henry Packer. I'm running, I'm just running around trying to piss on pigeons or whatever. I don't know. You would. Yeah. We're, we've got a new commandment at the top of the Big Ten. You have a pigeon's wherever possible. The norm has shifted. Or abruptly the newsroom. It's now a moral sundial. Yeah. Yeah. You couldn't have a living saint, could you? Well, they're living saints in the past. No. I think it's, I don't, it sounds too high-risk, doesn't it? Far too high-risk. How can what happened was early in the Christian, the story. The Christians were like radical, really cool hippies. And the, and the, and the Romans were just killing them everywhere they could. Yeah. Stringing them up, putting them upside down, sticking catarrioles at their asses or something? Yeah. Doing horrible things to them. You know, that's why so many of the saints have these horrible, horrible death stories, don't they? Yeah. Because, because you'd be martyred. And I think is the same thing a kind of way to incentivize people to carry on being Christians when you're like, I could be a Roman, I get a cool helmet, I get a cool sword, I get sewers, I get sewers. Yeah. I can eat as many dormitors as I can fit in my mouth. Is that a Roman thing? Oh, yeah. Big time. Yeah. I could a special sponge on the end of a brush to clean my ass with. And the ass of a man next to me. I can catch up with friends and relatives while having a shit. My own uncle can be looking at my face while I have a doctor. So he has next speech. I get to live in a town which is overwhelmed by a volcano in the stencil of my body, you get to be stuck on a wall for eternity. Take that Athena posters. That's so really pros. If I'm in I'm glad to bet my sideburns that they're not verdant enough, they're not luxuriant enough, no worries. My helmets have special sideburns that cover my sideburns. Let the flaps, they're with leather flaps. Sideburn modesty guards, and I am self conscious about my sideburns, tick. I get to man a wall in the north of Britain and tend to a beautiful tree growing in a gap in it that will be there for two and a half thousand years, maybe, ironically, until some local legends lock it down for a laugh. - Oi, oi. - They're the real saints. - You had to buy a new seat. - Oh yeah, so that was the choice. I could be a Roman. - Yes. - Brilliant. - Loads of gods. And the gods are really interesting. They have a fair, it's like a soap opera. - Yeah. - You can paint a dick on your wall. - Yeah, you can make a freeze of it, can you? It's all good. - I can commission a carpenter to make me dick shape furniture. - Yeah. - And you can entertain. - The high and mighty of your local town and that's cool. - Yeah. - The religious stories about my gods are basically erotica. - Yeah. - There's a goddess called Aphrodite who's really fit. Loads of the gods are really fit. It's never discussed in Christianity that gods fit. - Yeah. - Because it's never. I think the, and the implicator of that is he probably isn't fit. (laughing) - They've tried it. Michael Endrow tried, I mean, he's made him quite ripped. Do you wanna mean, but he is still an old man with a beard who's ripped. - Yeah, that's true. - He's very much back in fashion, I think, at the moment. - Yes. - Sort of the aging action hero thing. - You're looking at him. - He's done. (laughing) - Yeah. - He did a lot of family rescue and revenge movies if he'd been alive now. - He's saying that God was basically a sort of southwestern alone of his day. - I think so, yeah, you're Liam Neeson, you're Bob Odenkirk, so these guys, you know, the older action guys, you know. - Well, it's what my personal trainer said to me, the first time I took my top off in front of them. I said, "What kind of body do you want?" You've already got a statue of Neptune. (laughing) I said, "Yeah, it's just about finishing it now." - Okay. - And then he said, "What's that? "What is that tiny dolphin? "Is that a part of you or is that?" "Why you got seaweed growing up, you frack?" (laughing) - He said, "What about that?" - That's congenital. (laughing) - And a second genital, fully understanding what that word means. (laughing) - What's going on mate? - Well, you were talking about that versus being a Christian. - Yeah, the plus points of being Roman versus being a Christian, trying to live by the rules. - Yes, exactly. - Being a bit more of an ascetic, being a bit more austere, and potentially also just getting the most horrendously, needlessly violent death at the end of it. - Exactly. - So, you can be a Christian. You don't get to wear any kind of sideburn covering. You basically get to wear a sort of moth-beet-moth-heat-and-old towel. - Yeah. - And you have to be nice to people. You know, your friend, Robert, who's moving house, you have to help him move house. - Yeah. - And you know, you've only got one potato. You have to give that potato to Mord, because she wants a potato, who'd give her your potato. - Roman's on doing that. - They're roasting it, they're slathering it, it was dead sparrow guts. - So I think, Eric and Selling it was, you'll be sainted, because they're kind of horrific deaths. But I don't want to be like, you know, old Robert, he, old Peter. I don't want to be like Peter, he had his skin torn off by crabs. (laughing) And then he was dunked in a series of increasingly Piquant Vinegars. (laughing) - How about a tiny squeeze two limes onto his red raw balls, he was already dead. (laughing) - Oh my God. - No, that's horrible. But then I think, but st. The st. is the prize you get in return for that. - Yeah, I guess so. So phase one is called local investigation. - Right. - That's when a local bishop opens up an investigation into the person's life. - Okay, and it has to be that senior, that's straight to bishop. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Local bishop. - Okay. - And basically, they're trying to work out whether you lived a life of heroic virtue. - Yeah. - Okay. - So if you get through that, then the pope declares you, venerable. - Nice, okay. - Can we see how he's measuring up so far? Yes, today, I, for no money, looked after a neighbor's dog for three hours. - Yeah. - So that's a good act, isn't it? - Where's the hero, how is the heroism there? - There's a bit of virtue, although it's not, it's not a one way street is it, 'cause you also, you also got to, the joy of hanging out with a small dog. - A toy Kavapu, I believe. - Oh, damn you, please. - You were rewarded in kind. - Well, the reward was in the giving, which is actually a true kind of goodness. - No, the reward was made. - Which is made to get a little adult. - And a got a got a got a. - Actually, the fact that he shouldn't be a saint, maybe means he should. - The reasons I can't explain right now, because I'm really busy, but I'm still here talking to you, but I'm busy. Anyway, did the dog shit in your flat? That might help you get towards the venerable. - No, and I actually, I actually secured the information that the dog wouldn't shit in my flat before agreeing to have it in my flat. - How can they guarantee that? - Oh, I just said, "Will it shit in my flat?" and they said, "Yeah, so that's, "you've demonstrated the absence of heroism." 'Cause the heroism implies a degree of recklessness, of braviant in the face of, you know, the unknown. The hero would not have asked, "Will he shit in my flat?" - So I should have been feeding it, what, to hot chili mints all night. - Yes. - That would have been a row. (laughing) - And dangling it over my favorite original illustrations. Eat more chili mints, more chili mints. (laughing) - That's what I'm saying. - But you see, this is, again, you see, you compare yourself to the Roman, right? So the Roman soldier on the one hand, do some heroic goodness. Look after a dog that might shit in your, villa, or because the Roman way, which is, I'm gonna look after the dog until it boils me and then I'm gonna eviscerate it and eat it. And it's not a problem because long as I give some of it to Aphrodite. Do you know what I mean? I mean, it's quite an attractive system, isn't it? It's easier. - Are you arguing for the return of the Roman gods in the British society? (laughing) - Just be, leaning into our more apathistic notice. (laughing) - No, it's not. (laughing) - But you see, the old religions, they took people as they are, whereas Christianity was sort of going what we might be. - Yeah, what we should be. - What we should be maybe. Which is be nice when every part of you is going, don't be nice. Eat the dog, eat the dog, Henry. (laughing) - Okay, so that's the first stage. - Heroic votes you've proven at the local investigation, venerable tick. - But I'm guessing heroic means some moment of self-sacrifice and that's when I really start to have a problem with this. - But also, Henry says here that the bishop gathers every letter, book and sermon, the person wrote. Does that include social media? - I think probably, yeah. - So they're gonna read it. - Yeah. - One hour, but adding a lot of people will fall down there. - Yeah, they're gonna go through all your WhatsApp's, your boys and ben letters, your scathing Amazon reviews, your toilet dog graffiti. - All of it. - What, toilet tennis, see other wall? - Toilet tennis, see other wall. Toilet tennis, see other wall. - So then the next step is beatification. That's when one miracle is attributed to the person after their death. - Yeah. - A panel of independent doctors must agree that the healing has no natural or medical explanation. - Yeah. - Those doctors are pretty questionable, aren't they? - And in terms of miracles, there was the time when I was walking along in Notting Hill and I saw a keering on the floor. And then my friend called me up and it was his keering that he'd lost. - Mm-hmm. - Yeah, that counts. - Yeah. - I then met up with him in Hyde Park and his letter C cleared up. (laughing) - So in that case, you go from being venerable to blessed. - Blessed. - The blessed, honey, blessed. - Be the illustrators. - Mm-hmm. - And then finally, another second distinct miracle must occur after the beatification ceremony. - This is seen as God's final stamp of approval. - Oh, I see. So he knows it's in the mix. So he's saying, you're rolling the dice, oh, no, a bit. - After that ceremony, there's a lot of relatives of yours going, and that statue's pretty, I'm sure that statue's crying. (laughing) - Hey, and that pigeon, is that pigeon like Nigel Havers? I think that pigeon looks like Nigel Havers. - Oh, that RSI is really, that RSI man has really cleared up. - Yeah. - Yeah. Hang on, I think I've been pre-cured of let-prisee. (laughing) - It's a preventative miracle. I haven't got led-prisee. - In advance. - I wonder if people get stuck at the blessed level, because what does that mean? That means God thinks you're pretty good. Is willing to do a miracle through you, but not the full cajuna. - Yeah. - Sainted. - Must be. - That must happen not very often. - Yeah, I wonder if that ever happens. - Yeah, I don't know. - Is that confirmation bias, isn't it? You've been looking out for a miracle. - So then you become a saint, that's you're canonized. But there are other categories. To be assainted, there are three types, there are three types of saints. Number one, someone who lived the life of Herod Gvertu, but died naturally. - Yeah. - They're known as a confessor. That's most saints, I think. - Oh, okay, yes. - Yes. - Then the next type, it is martyr. - Yes. - And if you're martyr, you don't have to do the first miracle. - Oh really? Yeah, for a fair play. - That's your Susan of Cadiz, who was rotisserie to death. (laughing) - You come across those on European holidays and churches. You're like, oh my God, this is heinous. (laughing) - Yeah. - And then there's a new category called offer of life. This was added in 2017. - Mm. - This is people who voluntarily sacrificed their life for others. EG, staying to treat plague victims, knowing that they would die. - Blown in your eye. - And I think they, also don't have to do the first miracle. - There you go. - Blimey. - Also, technically the church teaches that anyone who is in heaven is a saint. Calonization is just the official way the church says that we are 100% sure this person is in heaven, so you can officially pray to them and they're churches after them. - Okay. - So anyone's a saint if you get to heaven? - Yes, but obviously you don't know who's gone to heaven, but we know that the saints, contemporary Christians, that they always say, "Oh, they only go to hearts." - Oh, great. - So actually it's everyone. - I think apart from Hitler. - I think there's a mix of a few mixed views on that. - Still a big fine, Rimmstone contingent. - Is there? - Yeah, but the cool Pope guy was quite good on that, he was like, "Hell's here to worry about that." - Hell might just be being excluded from heaven and having a balls rotisserie forever. (laughing) But yeah, all the worst one is being in heaven or being able to see heaven, but also having you balls rotisserie at the same time. - Yeah. - You see what you're missing out on. - Actually, I've sometimes had a thought of what, hell could be, there are certain moments in life that are so annoying. I thought if this was extended forever, this would be hell. - Look at that ending. - I think that about a glove, wasn't it? - It's a cow. - It's a cheap, easy gold. (laughing) - Front of a cute, I nod it into the empty net. (laughing) - The XG on that was fucking two million. - Oh, here he is. - Right as rain with his bloody shin pads in. And he's ironed his socks, always nodded it in. - Well, well bloody done. I hope you choke on your half-time orange. 'Cause I'm gonna punch it down your neck. (laughing) - Le Fedos. - Have I ever explored patron saints? There must be patron saint to illustrate us, for example. - They will be musicians for Bondo. - So apparently here, there's a patron saint of comedians. - Oh really, who's that? - Saint Lawrence. - And the reason is, as he was being martyred on a giant outdoor grill. (laughing) - Absolutely classic. - Which is a fantastic example. (laughing) - He actually did some really good local stuff. As he was getting grilled to death. - Well, he reportedly told his executioners, I'm well done on this side. Turn me over. - Love me, stuff. (laughing) - That is brilliant. - Saint Lawrence. (upbeat music) - Time to read your emails. - Yes please. (phone ringing) ♪ When you send an email ♪ ♪ You must give thanks ♪ ♪ To the postmasters that came before ♪ - Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? ♪ Just some old shit ♪ ♪ When you send an email ♪ ♪ This represents progress ♪ ♪ Like a robot chewing a horse ♪ ♪ Diff me your horse ♪ ♪ Diff me your horse ♪ - My beautiful horse. - 3B and salad [email protected] is our email address. Now a couple of weeks ago, we were wondering if we had any Olympian listeners. - Oh yeah. - And we were wondering if we could find the person who was the most Olympian. - Most Olympic. - The most Olympic. - And let's start with someone who described himself as the junior fraudster. - Okay. - Hellow beans. - I was actually a junior Olympian and competed in foil fencing. - Nice. - Sounds impressive, right? - Yeah. - Yeah. (laughing) - To tell the truth, most of the people qualified from our region, so I got in automatically. - Oh, that's the thing with the Olympics, isn't it? - It's very regional. There's a sort of bureaucratic system, which means you can slip through the net and get into the Olympics. - Oh yeah. - If junior frauds were gone in for the saber or the epa. - There might have been real problems, but let me have foil. Just laughed his way through. - Still, I went to the event and entered the tournament, doing my best in competing in Bounce all day long. And for my efforts, I placed 117th. - That's awesome. - Out of 126. - That's great. - I love that. - In the end, I just got a story that gets less impressive than what I talk about it. As you can imagine, it's a hit with the ladies, all the best junior fraudsters. - I like that a lot junior fraudsters. - That's good chat as far as I'm concerned. I like that. - Well, there's been a few famous cases, Eddie the Eagle, isn't it? That was that sort of thing. - Was that a tennis player just a few weeks ago? - How was that? - What was that? - It was, might have been in Africa somewhere. Was there a tournament? - Right. It seemed like there was someone that someone was submitted on a wild card who possibly had never seen a tennis racket before in the last. (laughing) - Well, the thing is, when you play sport, there are certain sports you play and you turn up and you don't realize it necessarily, but you are the very bottom run of a very, very tall lander at the top of it, is Olympic gold. - Yeah. - And you can be spotted. - And the narrative can start taking place that you don't even have full control over. And that's why I'm gonna talk to you both now about ping pong. (laughing) - No. - What? - What's wrong? - So, two weeks ago, - Oh no. - What are you talking about? - It's this jealousy, isn't it? This is jealousy. (laughing) Henry's going to arrive to ping pong glory. (laughing) (upbeat music) - And now it's time for Pompidoo section. - Pompidoo. - Pompidoo. - Hello, it's Ben here. I'm editing this episode. And for reasons that we will discuss in the podcast proper in a sec, I'm gonna fast forward through this ping pong story. Here we go. (crickets chirping) This is not a judgment on the quality of that anecdote or how entertaining it was or you in general, Henry. - Oh, cool. Well, just don't bother saying it then. But when we're recording these shows, I'm kind of doing a bit of a mental edit as we go along. That's going in, that's going in Patreon. - That entire story. - Yeah. - Oh shit. - No, the Patreon stuff isn't of a lower quality than it's just a certain flavor. Stuff that doesn't quite fit. - Yeah. - Because this is the email section where we-- - Yes, sorry, my email's from other people. - I wasn't trying to, I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't come from a bad place. I don't want that to affect my beatification. (laughing) I honestly thought that was coming from a good place. - Please don't bring that up in the, in my meeting we do a local busher. (laughing) But maybe we can actually do a thing where we sort of fast forward through it, do and then put this bit at the end on, which is quite funny. And actually, it can actually be aware of sending people to the Patreon. - Yeah, yeah. - If you want to hear it, get over there. - Yeah. - Would be included this bit as well though, under. (laughing) - Oh God, come on. (laughing) - I have a email from Gabe from Canada. - Gabe. - Hi Gabe. - Do it, Beans. I went to the Olympics. - Nice. - But let's see him walk pasty. An old friend of mine reached out this time last year asking if I'd come on the road with her and her wife, who are training partners and direct competitors, for the 2025-26 winter season as their private chef. - Oh wow. - I worked with them for a series of World Cup competitions, leading up to the games, cooking their meals, helping with organization, and learning about the psychotic sport of skeleton. - Oh wow brilliant. - Both athletes qualified and we ended up with a sixth and 11th place finish in Milano, Cortina. - Oh wow, well done. - They also both set all kinds of national records for their respective countries. And I got to come along for the ride, which included a stay in the Olympic village. - And nice. - Which is absolutely. - Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. - Isn't it? (laughing) (upbeat music) - "Lewd content warning, "Lewd content content." - Hey, hey, hey, hey. - Is it? (laughing) Well the new story that always comes out is that they've run out of condoms from day one, isn't it? - I think that's people stockpiling condoms. - Isn't it? What are just filling a suitcase? - Yeah, they're free in the basket. You're gonna grab it. - I don't know what it is. - Exactly. - It's basically the first shopper that gets at that condom barrel. - Yeah, you might just be looking for something to waterproof your shop puts if you, you know, it could be traveling between the dishes. - Yeah. And also a sperm and cydl generally on a shopper actually increases its aerodynamic and there's a good nifty, doesn't it? (laughing) - That's why it's banned. - That's why it's banned. So we still have an add to someone who's actually competed in the actual Olympics. So Tommy writes, "Dear beans, I want to throw my hat into the five rings." - Yes. - Oh nice. - By the way, just quickly, on the topic of the Olympic five rings. But the art, I fell massively foul of the fact that they incredibly litigious the Olympics about protecting their crap mascots. (laughing) They're absolutely dark shit mascots. - Yeah, this is a good pompody actually. (upbeat music) - Yeah, 'cause I did an artwork designed that was all to do with us as different mascots from the Olympics. So there was a three of us racing on a running track and I can't remember which ones we all were. Ben was based on the French one, which is a red cockerel. - No, it's not a cockerel, it's a hat. It's a hat worn by French revolutionaries. It's a cockerel, it's a cockerel's hat. (laughing) It is a hat. - What's it at hand? - Yeah. - What can I say, that's again, not a great sign of an illustrator if they've drawn a hat. I don't know, that's like a cockroach. (laughing) - I think it was a cockroach. - Or they've drawn a cockroach in the man thinks it looks like that. - And if it looks like that. - It's definitely a hat. - So I think I was the Brazilian one. I was some sort of big cat or monkey or something. And Mike was the UK one, which was just sort of a ghastly sort of semi-computerized shape with an eye. - They're all atrocious. - Yeah. I always assume that they'd been designed by some Olympic committee members, sort of favored niece or something like that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, I did quite a nice design. And then we were all running along and in the background, there were three other logos were chasing us, the Barcelona one and some of the others. But then Ben pointed out and I had actually knew on some level. - It's the first time Ben's had to do this. - I hadn't occurred to me at all. I didn't realize that was a thing that they were so, they're on their IP. They're very protective of their IP. And I then looked at other options, if I had to do a last minute drawing and I looked into using the rings. - Yeah. - And the rings as well, it says, "A very, very covered in you." 'Cause I was gonna do the rings and change them into our head shapes or something. And they said, "You can't mess with the rings." - It's fascinating to me. Why do they bother? 'Cause everyone knows what it's like and what the things are. - But is that because they've been so protective of it? As a brand? - As a brand. - 'Cause they were doing things like during the London Olympics, like a local cafe where put up the Olympic rings in the window, was like a fun thing, like in Stratford. And they'd send a lawyer around. - Oh my god. - Well, what they do is, the next day you find a dead chicken with a javern through it, like a stoutly front door. - But they should be thrilled that the cafe is doing that and it's getting a part. - It's exciting, isn't it? They need to maybe just chill out a little bit. - As a citywide event, surely. - There should be, there should be delighted. I don't get that at all. It makes no sense to me. Anyway, I'm worried that that's, if that story isn't entirely accurate, then the Olympic Committee won I'll see us for the story. - Oh yes, they've got us every which way, haven't they? - Yeah. - Can you see us for describing the mascots? - Probably. - Maybe. So maybe the fact that I thought it was a chicken is actually gonna save my ass. - Using the word rings. - Oh god. Anyway, Tommy writes, "Dear beans, "I want to throw my hat into the five rings "for the person who came closest to being in the Olympics." - Okay. - I'd like to start out by saying, "I came nowhere close." But here's my offering. I was once the number one ranked Epay Fencer in Great Britain. - In all the Fencer. - Commonwealth Fencing Champion. - Blimey. - I mean, surely that means you're pretty close. - Yeah. - Sparring partner for the Irish Pentathlon team in the build up to the London Olympics. And I competed at the test event for the Rio Olympics. - Wow. - Qualification for fencing at the Olympics itself requires negotiating a Byzantine morass of complicated rules and corruption. And being much better than I was. But you're the Commonwealth Fencing Champion. - Yeah, surely. - Just showing. - By the way, can I say, we don't legally back up the concept of their being corruption in the Olympics, do we? - No. - Good point. - Good point. - That's all very much on Tommy. - Tommy. - Tommy. - Tommy. - Tommy, who is able to defend himself quite well in a duel? - Yeah. (laughing) - If he chooses trial by conquest, you're in trouble. - I know it's. - He says, "I know Mike expressed an interest "in trying fencing during the swords episode." - Yes. - Corruption in fencing is so bad that the sport is on the brink of being kicked out to the Olympics entirely. - Oh, wow. - Corruption. - But that does mean that with a bit of bumps put in the right oligarch's hands, Mike could grace the piece in LA. - Okay, well initially, yeah. First I was horrified that something so chivalric could be a rule of resolution. - It was corruption, but now I'm excited again. And yeah, okay, maybe this is my time. - I'd go for sabers. - Why, I'd say that. - What is the difference? - The saber is the biggest heavy. - Sabers, that is in like traditional cavalry sword, where it's sort of like, it's sort of wider and a bit curved. So you can sort of slash through people without getting your sword stuck as you're running past them. So it's the meatiest of the three. - Can I say what I would be up for coming back into the Olympics is the old double handed broad sword. - There we go. - Where it's just a clean beheading. That's how you win. - Yeah, yeah. - It's at least 13 feet long. It's an, it's not, there's one strike and then it's buried deep into the ground of the leisure center. - You're not getting that back up again. - So it's one and done. - It's one and done. - And the handle you don't. - Yeah. - And also the blade is a foot wide. There's so much space for sponsorship. - Yeah. - Up and down that blade. - You can get full premier in all the way. (laughing) - You can get a premier in family room on the side of it. - Probably. - Your sleep so well, you thought you got beheaded. (laughing) - I mean, be one of those events where if you get into the final, you know you've got minimum silver, but you will be dead. (laughing) - And that means there simply wouldn't be a bronze either. - There just be no bronze. - It's quite a scene to cut to in the home pub in Lancaster. - Do you wanna have that one in friends or watching? - Yeah. - It's a bit more tense than usual. - Well, the party has to be set up in two ways. You can only be a celebration party or awake 'cause they've got, (laughing) they've got two different parties. They've got to be set up to speak. You use it very, very quickly, haven't they? - Yeah, yeah. - Flip everything over. - The sausage buffet, it's a sausage and pork patties buffet. That goes down the middle of the room 'cause that works both for a party and a funeral. - Yeah. - But there's different kinds of photos of you that are on each side 'cause the funeral ones obviously surround in white lilies. - Yeah, some photos of you got your head on, some it's been, - It's a bit of a rush off. - Yeah. - So I don't know who's technically closer to the Olympics. The person that was the personal chef to the people who won Scalic and medals, or the fence so who couldn't get anything in the mix because of corruption. - Yes, a gate made it into the Olympic village, which we'd all have to have a nose around and see what's going on in the Olympic village. - Of course, yes. - Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. - But also Tommy's had a taste of, but he's in a bit of behind the scenes, you know, the test event. - Yes. - It feels like that's almost the Olympics, right? - Yeah, I mean, you know such a thing, but of course there is. - Well, I think the winner might be so far, if you've got, if you're on the Olympian, please do email in. - Yeah. - Sophie. - Oh yeah. - Hello beans, I have not competed at the Olympics, but I think I can do one better. - Hello. - I have competed at what could arguably be described as the Olympics younger, cooler, more radical sibling, the Paralympics. - No. - Oh wow. - I am a three time Paralympic sprinter in the Bolognese Amputic category, though I never managed to win a Paralympic medal. In Rio 2016, I did break the World Record. - Bloody hell. - In the 100 meters during qualifying, bracket, and tragically came fourth later the day in the final. - This is exactly the sort of thing Henry was talking about last time. - Yes, he writes, "Henry's correct, sport is very cruel. I am now an illustrator." - An illustrator. - "And an animator, which is a little bit less stressful." - Oh, very cool. - Well, that's an easy win, isn't it, Sophie, all the way? - I think all of that. - I think so, yeah. "Though the World Record has since been beaten on various occasions by two separate Dutch women, I am missing bones in my remaining foot, so I'm safely assuming I'm still the fastest person on four meta-tasels, all the best. - Sophie. - So I think we have our winner. - Yeah, well, I'm so happy. - Congrats, Sophie. - It's amazing. - Nice. - And you've elevated, I think, us as a podcast, and a wider, you know, relationship podcast family. - Yeah, definitely. - Definitely. - We all feel a little bit more, we're all basking in your glory, I think. - There's a little bit of, well, there's that in the ping pong story I told, but yeah, those two things, I've shown a little bit of golden life on us all. (laughing) - A little bit of sporting burnish. - A little bit of sporting burnish. - The, it's, it's all offensive, you have to do the qual, you have to do the qualifying heat and then the final and the same day. - That's really cool. And to break the world record in qualifying, it's not gonna meddle, it's really tough, isn't it? - Also, who cares, I broke, that means I'm the winner. I did it, who cares that it happens at 430? - Everything should be called off at that point. - It did some help life works, it doesn't matter how good you are at something at 430. That doesn't, it, I mean, it's more important that I was better at it early, it doesn't matter that it wasn't as good, who cares about 430? - In actual performing brain surgery, at 430. (laughing) - And it does matter. - Quite a lot. - I did some brilliant brain surgery this morning. Okay, admittedly, I've dropped this person's frontal cortex in the bin. (laughing) I'm never allowed to look after that cavapu ever again. (laughing) - You know that thing about, so with the Olympics, I couldn't watch the final, the, the, the, the Chilli Olympics. - Yeah, this is agony. - She's, she's got the combo of like absolute like world class triumph plus empty handed. An event where that can, those things can exist on the same day. - It's so cruel. - But you know the, what's the Chilli Olympics going to get in the, what are they called? - Winter. - Winter Olympics. - The Winter Olympics. I think I couldn't watch the ice skating anymore. - Yeah. - Because I was fine at two painful, they just fall over, they didn't win. I had the same thing yesterday with MasterChef, the professionals, falling over, left right on the center where they, they were all over the show. But as, as 25 minutes, I only watched it for like second half of it. But when it came to the announce who's being, who's going to not win. - Yeah. - Whatever. I just went, fine, I'm turning off. - Yeah. - Yeah, I, I increase, I don't want to. - I can't take that. - Stent is doing, I don't want to. - I can't. - But of course it was, it was Sally who made a complete mess of her, the Dunning Yund, the potato. (laughing) - I would be interested then if anyone, if we have any of the world record holders of any kind. - Yes. - Do you reckon we might have someone? - We might do. - Especially the people who do the more sort of obscure, you know, like our hot air balloonist friends. We've got some people with some interesting pursuits and passions. - Yes. - And it doesn't even need to be sport, you know. Well, this is it, they may have, they may have pushed boundaries in places that we didn't realise they were boundaries. - So yeah, I'd love that. So if anyone's got a world record, do email in. (soft music) [Music] It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com. Thank you to everyone who signed up on our Patreon. Thank you. There's a monthly bonus episode of the stuff that doesn't get in the episodes. For example, Henry's ping pong story. Oh yeah. Game set and match. Also, when I'm months off, when we're not putting out episodes on this feed, the episodes continue throughout that month. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you can watch video episodes. And you also get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge. You do indeed. Where Mike was last night. I was. And it was the beatification of Sean Bean. [Laughter] Finally. It was. Thank you Ben, and here's my report. It was the beatification of Sean Bean last night, conducted according to the right and scriptures of the Church of the Lofty Bean. Birth of Serpents and Kit Malone douse the Bean Lounge Tabernacle with Holy Acrofarba. While Kirstie aired Nick Roberts and Olivia Griffey, cleaned the congregated of their sins with a mixture of Yorkshire incantations and sugar soap. Mary Joy and Carlo Sands presented the first miracle for verification, that being the tossing by Sean Bean of Iki Bay Cry over a two-story house, one handed. The miracle had been witnessed by Kieran Allen and Thi Wood, who went so far as to present evidence in the form of pieces of greenhouse from the landling zone, and Miracle One was approved. The second miracle, presented by Elliot Tawny and Aiden McKay, was that of Catherine Reynolds and the flat lemonade. Catherine Reynolds had some flat lemonade, which she presented to Sean Bean who instructed she to dip the body of Jonathan Oliver into the jug. Low, the lemonade was fizzy again, and so astonished with those who witnessed the event, that it took a while before anyone realised all the bones in Jonathan's body were shattered. The miracle of the repair of the bones was suggested at the time by Mink Et and Damien. Mink Et and Damien Hunter One, but Sean Bean had left by then, so that one was put down as a potential miracle and just half a point. Pappati, Christopher Lim, and Victoria Hans had all on separate occasions witnessed Sean Bean practising novelty bush topiary with his mind alone, and these wonders were added to the miracle's score sheet, Conor Brotherick, Alan Copeland and Mike Green, all felt they had received more compliments than usual since being in the wider orbit of Sean Bean, and these two were chalked up as miracles. Sean Bean had already ticked enough be-advocation boxes to be full-blown blessed by this time, but for good measure Matthew Law recounted the time Joe thought he'd run out of ham, out of the word bastard, and then to his amazement discovery did have some ham after all. That was just tucked at the back of the fridge hidden behind an iceberg lettuce. Parks, G-song, declared the process complete, and swung a bottle of champagne into Sean Bean's holy rock hardass. Craig Billington began to sing a hymn of his own composition and was taken away to be soundproofed. Thanks all. Okay, let's finish the show with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you lot. This is from Nick. Thank you Nick. And he is sent in what he describes as an eight-bit Game Boy Flamenco theme. Oh yeah, nice. Nice. This is, because we had a sort of Nokia 310 theme, didn't we, that was. We did smash it, so this feels like it's reaching into that era. Nick writes, it might interest you to know that when I played this back through my speakers to check that it was sounding okay, all the birds left my garden. Oh. Interesting. Okay. Yeah, there's a sort of sonic bigfoot or something like that. Everything's just gone. So, nature has gone. So, Bill Ody, turn off now. Bill Ody, turn off now. Anyway, thanks for listening. Goodbye. Thank you. [Music]