Sabrina Zohar: How to Stop Chasing People Who Don’t Want You

- For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around, lemon-forward sodas, even lemon-forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them, and squeezed out the truth. ♪ All hail the lemon ♪ - That's lemon propaganda right there. But now, 7UP is fighting back with their new lime-lemon soda. Join the 7 uprising. Flip the sip. - Ugh, I hate Mondays. - King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Swirl Bite? - Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm. ♪ Bites, ba-choo-ba-da-ba ♪ - Hey, let's get back to work, please. - But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. - Taylor Hansen? Nice. - Try one. - Mmm. ♪ Bites, ba-choo-ba-da-ba-doo ♪ - King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. ♪ Don't you love 'em? ♪ - There's nothing like it. ♪ Sweet swelling ♪ ♪ He's so good ♪ - This episode is brought to you by Palmolive. Family time isn't just the big moments. It's weeknight dinners. Sitting around the table, everyone talking all at once. So when the plates are empty and the sink is full, use Palmolive Ultra. Palmolive's most powerful formula removes up to 99.9% of grease, leaving your dishes sparkling clean. And the new convenient pump makes cleaning even easier, so you can spend less time tackling dishes and more time together. Shop now at palmolive.com. - Hey, it's Jay. I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute. And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon. - Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose. Today's guest is one of your favorites, Sabrina Zohar, a dating and relationship coach, author, and the host of The Sabrina Zohar Show. Through her honest, no-nonsense approach to modern relationships, she has helped millions of people recognize the dating patterns, keeping them stuck, and learn how to break them. Her new book is called "Why Am I Like This?" And it explores how our earliest experiences shape who we pursue, what we tolerate, and the way we respond to love. Sabrina Zohar, welcome back to On Purpose. - Hi, Jay. I'm so excited to be here. - Congratulations on your new book. - Thank you. - So exciting. And I have to say that I feel like you cover such important ground in this book, which actually sets people up for long-term success. I think we live in a world where we get a lot of quick dating advice, we get a lot of good insights on what to do when you're trying to get married or whatever else it may be, and that's all useful. But I feel like I've seen couples stay together or break up based on what you address in this book. And so I really feel that you've done a real service to everyone who reads it to understand what's at the core of the success or failure of their relationship. - Thanks, Jay. I think for me, I look at so many of these patterns and so many things that we keep repeating over and over and over again. And so if we can understand, first of all, the why, sure, but then it's, what are you gonna do with it? 'Cause otherwise, like you said, you're repeating the same thing for years, so I'm really excited to talk about not the Band-Aids. This is like going to the root of this massive gash that you have in your arm, and instead of just throwing a little cute little pink Band-Aid on it, we're actually gonna get to the wound, heal it, so that you get the life and love that you deserve, that you've always deserved, but maybe somewhere along the lines you learned otherwise. - Was there a specific relationship or a specific moment that made you ask, "Why am I like this?" - To me, I found myself by bed hopping, which is just like a nice way of me saying I found myself. I just kept going from person to person to person, hoping, eventually, this feeling would go away, and finding it in all these places that, for five seconds, they would be there, and then they'd come back. And truthfully told, it was, the biggest breakup I ever had was I dated someone like my dad. He was very reminiscent, felt the same, right? It might not be the same look, he didn't speak in the same way, but how I felt was the same. Feeling really small and dismissed, and like there was something wrong with me. And I'll never forget, he broke up with me, and he left, and he went on a trip, and I started therapy. And I kept saying, "It's all my fault, it's all my fault. "Why am I like this?" And she repeated it back to me, and I said, "Well, it couldn't have all been my fault." And that was the moment, that crack in the armor, that allowed me to say, "Wait a minute, "there's gotta be more to this." And understanding why I'm like this was the first step, because then, what are you gonna do with it? - We think when something feels familiar, it must be right, but talk to me about how it can actually be wrong. - So for a lot of us, at least I can say present company included, home never was safe. And so if somebody feels like home, that can often feel like I'm being dismissed, or I'm being put down, or feeling like I can't authentically be myself in a place where that's all I want to be. And so, for a lot of us, it's repetition compulsion, we keep dating the parts, we're having relationships. And I wanna preface, this isn't just romantic. This is also career, right? If you start to look back and think, "Wow, I consistently had the same bosses." Or friendships, "I had the same friends "that always took something from me." Because what ends up happening is, when we're zeroed to 18 months, we're non-verbal. And so because of that, our nervous system is picking up on every single cue, every facial expression, every micro moment to create, okay, this is how I keep safe, this is how I stay safe. That's maladaptive though, because then we become an adult and all of a sudden you look and say, I'm treating this person like I would a six-year-old. For a lot of people, they think the spark, right? Oh, I wanna feel this intensity with somebody and they feel like home. That's where I would start to say, well, how do you feel when you're with this person? Do you feel seen, heard, and understood? Because for a lot of us, we are going to keep having relationships, whatever those look like, with people that are unhealed versions of the parts of us that need us more. Because we believe, you know, Jay, if you and I were dating right now, that if you and I went on a date and you're just like my dad was, right? A little bit more cold and gregarious and big at first, but more narcissistic, then my nervous system is going, I know what to do here. This I can do, I can keep me safe here, I know. Versus, if you're an amazing and loving and sweet and you're just giving me love freely, but that goes away, that goes against my core beliefs that I have to earn it and I'm not deserving of it. Well, then my body's going to say, no, there's this, something feels off. I don't think this is right. And so we have to look and say, is familiar, familiar because it feels good or is familiar because that's just how you've kept yourself safe in the past. But now we actually get to rewrite a new version of the person that we want to become so that I can actually have the life I want and not the one I was told that I get. - And it's fascinating, right? Because when we have these experiences, we don't map them back to our childhood. We just think, oh, this person's wrong for me. This person's right for me. We're not really having this deeper conversation that you're asking us to address through the book. There's this idea that you share that I really wanted to touch on. The first 18 months of our life, before language even becomes a part of our journey, what are we experiencing? What's happening to us that's actually affecting our relationships as adults? - So in the book, I talk about the still face experiment. Not sure if you're familiar prior to this. So the still face experiment has been replicated a hundred times over, but it started in the '70s. And essentially what they did was they put a mom in front of her baby and they had the mom cooing and making facial expressions and having a good time with the kid. And then they instructed the mom to just sit stoic and just be. And what they saw was you started to see those attachment styles come through. You started to see the kid that was getting really anxious and throwing things to try to reconnect with the mom. You saw the kid just shut down and just sit there in complete silence. You saw the kid that might've been more secure that's like looking around. And then they instructed the mom to come back on and be back into normal with her child. And what that really shows us is that we think kids are like these little blobs, right? Oh, they don't hear, they don't understand verbiage or language, but they are looking at how much you're making it, paying attention to them. How much eye contact you're making. Are you attuning to their needs, right? So if your kid cries, are you ignoring them for 25 minutes, which then teaches their nervous system, I'm not safe. I can't trust, there's no reliability. And then also too, I know this is probably not gonna be what people wanna hear, but the impact of Botox. That Botox. Because it freezes your face, you're not making eye contact and making expressions. So kids grow up and then they think when you make a face at them that you're mad at them, but it's because they never were able to map out what mad, happy, sad looked like. And so it really shows how those micro moments, and I wanna also preface, so many of us hear things on the internet that like blame our parents. This isn't about blame, it's about accountability. It's about saying, I turned out this way. That doesn't mean my parents are bad people, right? I had the big T traumas, they were a bit more obvious. You could've had a great childhood, but maybe your dad was working full time. So you never knew when he was gonna come back and your mom was always on the phone. And what it is, is it's really that we create this narrative because as kids, we're bottom up. So we feel it in our body first, and then we go into our head, we create narratives and stories. As adults, we're top down. So we start in our head, we overthink, we think that we can get away with it 'cause we don't wanna feel because those feelings are so intense. I'm curious, your experience. Have you ever listened to a song from like 20 years ago and you feel something? - 100%. - So maybe where you were when you heard it, you don't remember the thought, but you remember the feeling. - Yeah. - That's exactly our nervous system at play. Our brain is designed to keep you safe. It is not designed to help you grow. So your brain right now doesn't know that Jay has credit cards, is an adult, can go off and have free will. Your brain knows that, let's say your wife said something to you that brought you back to being a kid. All of a sudden it's, okay, we know how to keep ourselves safe. Let's go to what we always know to do. Because it's always gonna take the path of least resistance because it's trying to conserve energy so that it can still maintain safety. Even though we're not in the jungle anymore and we're not being chased, but our tiger has become our cell phone. - Instagram teen accounts come with automatic protections that limit who can contact teens, the content they can see, and the time they spend on the app. Learn more about teen accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com forward slash teen accounts. Give me a real life example of that as to how that shows because I completely agree with you and I can think of a few but I want to hear it from you. So I have one that always comes to mind that I think about that when Ryan and I first started dating. I said can we go somewhere and he said no. That was it. He just went no and walked out and that was it. I, my whole body went to this like heat mode. I started going into oh my god I'm going to kill him. Oh my god wait how could he say this to me? I need to like what is going on protest behavior. So protest behavior is when you feel like you are losing connection. It's not just romantic. It can be any other way. We engage in protest to try to reconnect with somebody and so instead I had to stop and say okay two questions I ask in the book. How old do I feel? So I felt like a seven-year-old. I was like okay why do I feel like I'm seven? This reminds me of dealing with my dad. He was just he could just go and walk off and you'd felt dismissed and I said okay where did I learn this from? That's where I learned it from and so then when Ryan came back I said hey can I share something with you? He's like yeah. I said when you said no it really sent me for a tailspin. I'm not saying that you need to change anything but moving forward do you think you could tell me why you don't want to do something so I don't create narratives? We've never had that issue again. It's little things right? I think we see the word trigger and think it has to be a big moment. A trigger is a neutral action or inaction and instead of sitting and starting to say why does it make me feel like this? Why am I doing this? I want us to reframe to I don't like. I don't like that I'm doing this. Okay what don't I like about it? I feel like I'm out of control. Okay you see how we can start to get down to the root of what's actually bothering us? Because we have to remember your amygdala in the back of your brain prefrontal cortex at the front. Your amygdala fires on within like a 20 of a millisecond. It takes 10 times longer for your So for us to challenge our thoughts, to sit in the discomfort, to do the things that most of us don't want to do takes a lot more bandwidth. So your brain is going to go you know what Jay feels like he's seven again let's just go back to what he's always done and then that way we'll achieve the result we've always had. But that's maladaptive because now you're an adult you're dealing with people that are not your mom and dad and so we have to be able to rewire and we are neuroplastic but again we have to remember that that takes actual like momentum to do because you're not just thinking about it all the time. You're going to make new choices, you're going to expand your window of tolerance, you're going to have more capacity and then by then you make different choices. Sometimes we don't say the thing we need to say to our partner because we want to appear low maintenance or we don't want to appear difficult. Talk to me about how you were confident enough to actually raise something like that. I'll be honest with you I lost myself. I lost myself with my ex-relationship. I was a shell of a human. I was 90 pounds soaking wet you know I'm 5'8 so like for people I had no identity didn't know what music I liked didn't know what clothes I liked didn't know what I wanted to eat for dinner because everything was dictated by him when we were together and so it was slowly but surely having to say okay what are the new choices I can make how can I start to understand this that took me nine years to start to actually implement and then what happens confidence is built after you do something and realize you're okay it doesn't come before and my favorite word now has become no but the thing is when you start to set boundaries and you start to say no you also have to be okay grieving the loss of people because to your point the people that benefited from the fact that you didn't have boundaries are going to now lash out when you try to tell them something that might be different and so I see it as we want to go really slow you don't want to overwhelm your nervous system and start going okay tomorrow I'm going to go out and set a bunch of boundaries and I'm going to tell all of my family and friends no because then your nervous system is going to be like whoa wait we're not safe this isn't okay and so we want to make it really incremental and so I give an example of how you want to run a marathon and you have literally never walked a day in your life you are sitting at a desk for 15 hours the last thing I'm going to say is go on a 10-mile hike tomorrow so what I would say is put your one shoe by the door and put the other shoe by the door the next day and then the following day you put a sock and then the following day you put another sock what that does is it tells your nervous system this is safe for me and so then we start to build capacity so we're not as scared of all these little things but to your point the cool girl or guy finishes last because they're one-dimensional nobody wants to be with a partner who doesn't say no who doesn't have a thought and an opinion unless they benefit from the fact that you don't say no and so when we try to play the cool girl or guy my thought is like where where are we going with this what are we doing I'm losing myself and I think my mama has always said you got to love yourself more than the need to be loved by other people and I think once you start to do that when you love yourself it's not bubble baths and face masks it's setting boundaries it's saying I need water and some food because otherwise I'm not going to be able to take care of myself it's saying sorry I can't go out after nine that doesn't work for me I need to be up early it sounds like saying I want a relationship and I'm intentional and if you're not I'm okay to lose you because of that because I'm more afraid of losing myself than I am anybody external that is when you will start to see your life change that is what helped me change my life because when I met with Ryan right when I met Ryan we slept together on the first date right that should never have worked out but I was so more afraid of losing myself because I had had so many times who was he he was just another person in my world then it ended up becoming my partner of almost four years what's the difference between setting boundaries and putting up walls setting boundaries should still be flexible so to me boundaries keep people in your life right so if I say Jay please don't call me after nine you call me after nine you didn't just cross my boundary you just maybe forgot you're a human you thought maybe I'd be up I cross my boundaries if I pick up the phone when I told you I wouldn't a wall keeps people out I see boundaries as I trust myself enough and I love myself so much that this is what I need to show up sustainably to me a wall is I don't trust myself I'm scared this is coming from fear so if I put this out and you then work your way through you've proven to me that you should have a place in my life but walls are also very rigid right we see it you see the internet like I do of the if they don't do this and they don't do this it's a very black and white binary you I'm good you're bad or you're good I'm bad and we see boundaries as being flexible because if I told you I don't answer after nine and you tell me babe I only have 9 30 I'm so sorry it's the only time I can call can we do it once a week I'm flexible right okay fine on Wednesdays I'll answer the phone versus a wall is no you keep people out versus letting them in that's such a great answer and I'm so glad you raised that because I do think that we've got to a place in society where boundaries are really just excuses for walls and we now don't allow anyone in because I know who I am I know what I need you're not good enough for me I deserve better rather than the flexibility and the openness to say maybe there's a conversation maybe we get to say why that boundary existed with the past ex-partner and doesn't need to exist with this person or it needs to be adjusted and I do feel that we've gone kind of to either or extreme and then let's talk about the other type of person because that's the kind of person who uses boundaries and we don't allow anyone in because I know who I am I know what I need you're boundaries as a wall there's the other type of person that feels guilty for setting boundaries why do we feel guilty for setting boundaries who taught you that setting a boundary means you're a bad person for me I grew up if you set a boundary you were gonna get hit you were gonna get yelled at you were gonna like you don't tell somebody no you don't say I don't want to do that that doesn't work for me so I learned me saying a need means that there's something wrong with me I'm too much this person's leaving because I didn't have anyone come and say hey you're allowed to say that you're allowed to so I created this boundaries means I'm going to lose people which now I see it as boundary means I'm going to keep the right people to your point what I see with the people especially with that rigidity around it we have that pendulum you're either so rigid you don't let anybody in or you have no boundaries whatsoever and people walk all over you what I see often and I'm sure you probably see this too a lot of people use boundaries as a means of control you have to do this if you start a boundary with you have to that is a request or you are trying to control the other person telling somebody you have to text me every single day in the beginning of dating otherwise I don't want to date you that's not a boundary you don't need that fundamentally first of all second of all you're not having a conversation you're not saying what you are going to do because that's what boundaries are here's what I am willing to do I'm not going to date somebody who is not communicative I'm not going to be in a relationship with somebody who isn't authentic and I see boundaries as vulnerability you have to be vulnerable enough to share those parts of yourself then we go to the people pleasing can be very manipulative not intentionally it's not like you're doing this on purpose to hurt somebody but if you are saying yes because you're scared of what happens when you say no then you're not actually being authentic you're not taking up space you're self-abandoning and you're so terrified of losing this person that you've already lost yourself in order to keep them you're right it's a subconscious manipulation tactic where you're trying to get a reaction you're trying to get the result that you wanted and you're willing to shapeshift and mold yourself but then afterwards you lose yourself and you abandon yourself and realize you didn't want to be that person even to get that result yeah I don't want to have to do something that doesn't make me feel good just to make sure that you stay how many times I see this more than I can count people that are maybe in relationships for five ten years that the person tells them I just I don't like a label and instead of going well I do this doesn't work for me I'd rather walk it's okay well you know what I'm probably being too much and I'm pushing them way too much and it's me and it's me why because if it's me that means I have control of the outcome if I'm the problem then I can fix it and if I can fix it I can get what I want and we don't realize like that's the last thing you have control over all you have control over is how you show up and what it is that you're willing to allow and the harshest reality I ever learned take a look at the people in your life romantic personal professional and And then you tell me how much you love yourself based on the people that you're surrounded by. Because who you allow in your life tells me how much you love yourself and what you're willing to put up with. What should we be willing to allow? I think non-negotiables are important. So I actually heard this quote that changed my life the other day, and I'm going to share it with you. Is what you're getting enough to grieve what you're not in the relationship? So when we think of that, right? That's really good. Is what I'm getting enough in this dynamic to grieve the things that I'm not? And so if that means this person's dismissive and they make me feel really small and they don't want to show me off and they're really mean or they're cold or they're narcissistic or whatever, right? Is that okay for me to grieve the parts that I want someone gregarious and big and funny and jovial? For some people, the answer is no. One person will never be all things. We need community. We need people. The one is the biggest myth. I talk about that in the book. Disney lied to us. You think what? That there's going to be one person that comes in, swoops you up, and saves you. That was the little girl in me that didn't want to live the reality that I was living and was hoping someone was going to come and get me. But then let's also go into that. I needed a slipper for this guy to know who I was, right? Cinderella, you're like, this is normal to you. Belle is with her captor and you're saying Stockholm syndrome makes sense to us. And so I think we need to start and say, what did you use to accept that you're no longer willing to? That's the first place I start when we start to understand what should I allow? What I allow are things that make my nervous system feel good with this person. So if that means that when my partner is dismissive of me. And walks away when I'm in the middle of a sentence. When they pick up their phone when I'm trying to connect with them. That might not work for me. 80-20. Is it enough for me to grieve when I'm not getting? Am I getting 80% and the 20% I can get rid of? Or am I constantly feeling depleted? The bank account's always in the red. The example I use is, if you were going for a job right now. Let's say. You need $100,000 salary, just for argument's sake. But you go for a job, right? A person. And they're willing to give you 20. What happens if you take that $20,000 salary? You're scared you're never going to find it. So my God, I'm going to be homeless. Your needs are never met. You're always wanting more. Then you start to grow resentful towards that person. All the while this person's saying, but I told you all I had was 20. You needed more. Those are those moments where we have to stop and say. Is this enough for me to say? I would be okay with this for the rest of my life if I marry this person. If the answer is no. That doesn't make you a bad person. I think what the most beautiful thing is honesty. Because if I can tell you that this doesn't work for me. I'm maintaining my boundaries. My authenticity. And I'm also letting you. Find somebody that would see you in that same light. Which I think is really beautiful. That's such a great analogy. I love that. Right. That makes so much sense. Puts it into a perspective. Yeah, absolutely. Marriage, work. I don't care where you are. But we have to be sure that like my cup is filled. And I have to fill it. Yeah. And it actually aligns with the Gottman study that I've read. That talks about how if your partner's response rate is 33%. You're likely to get to a divorce. And if it's 88%. You're likely to have a divorce. You're likely to have a long-term marriage or relationship. And so when you think about getting paid $33,000. Out of your $100,000. That's what you're getting. And that's not going to sustain. Whereas if you're getting $88,000. It may not be a hundred thousand, but it's perfect. It does the job. And so that even applies to the research that they did when they looked at people's styles. And they said response rate to bids of affection, connection, communication, repair. It was anything that was 33% or lower. Was not going to work out. And the reality too is you can date somebody or be in a relationship with somebody. And you two trigger the living hell out of each other. And you're just not right. They then find someone. They might actually be better for them. Because maybe for me, if my traumas are very specific flavor and so are yours. You had a childhood. I had a childhood. And we just constantly battle. Because maybe you're just like my mom. And that drives me insane. And then I meet somebody else who's more like my sister or my brother. That feels more comfortable to me. It makes me sad. Because I feel like we're in this. A time where it's either run from everything. Or stay way too long and make it work no matter what. And I feel like we should find a balance in the middle. To say, are my needs met? My fundamental needs met. Does this person make me feel seen, heard, and understood? Do I feel safe with them? And that could be family as well. That doesn't just. Or friendships. Friendship breakups are so much more painful oftentimes than romantic ones. Because that's your chosen family. Right? You see every nook and cranny. And I'm being authentically myself. But that doesn't mean that I should keep someone in my life. Because I've known them for a long time. That means that maybe I've outgrown this relationship. And I think, again, if you are not dating your partner. You are doing the biggest disservice in your relationship. The three myths I hear all the time. You and your partner should never fight. I don't know who said that. I don't know why you would say that. Your partner is going to piss you off. They're going to drive you insane. You are 100% going to get triggered by your partner. That doesn't make them wrong for you. The other aspect here is. You have to still date your partner. You are both going to grow and evolve. I hope that I change. I hope I'm not the same person five years later. And I hope that I'm not the same person five years later. And if you're not still trying to get curious about who your partner is becoming. To me, it just feels like you're missing out this huge opportunity. Because you're almost stunted and arrested development. You're staying in the early stages. Especially people that can't get over someone. But in the beginning, it was great. When we first met, they were really amazing. And you're holding them to a standard that I don't even think they would want to be held to. Because you're not willing to see them for who they are. Because if you do. You might have to acknowledge that you had to see your parents for who they were. You have to see other people. And that can feel really painful. So it's easier to see the reflection of them. Because then you don't have to sit with your own disappointment. How do you know if what you're willing to allow is just based on what you allowed from your parents? Where are your patterns? What do you keep repeating? So when I dated my ex. The one I talk about in the book. The moment I stopped and I went, okay, I've done this with every person. I lose myself. I get really anxious when they talk to me like this. And so we want to say, does the pinch match the ouch? Is the way that this person is engaging with me. Have I felt this before? That's why I love the questions. How old do I feel? And where did I learn this from? Because I think a lot of people. People want to say, oh, I learned it from my first boyfriend in college. Or the girl in high school that broke my heart. Well, then I start to trail it back and say, okay, how often has this happened? When's the first time you remember feeling like this? And if you say, oh, man, when I was five. Let's start to get curious about what's the behavior that you learned from those people. I will give you an example. My mom is a people pleaser. Oh, to the moon and back. She will apologize for breathing. She just always feels like she's taking up so much space. And it breaks my heart because that's her childhood. And for a while. I did the same thing. If I asked for a need to be met and heterosexual norm, a guy said no to me, I would recoil and be like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. You're right. I apologize. I didn't mean to bother you. And then I started saying I learned that from her. And then what that required of me was to then go back to that version of myself and say, you're allowed to disappoint people. And you know what? I owe you an apology because I've been doing to you what everybody has done to you this whole time. I kept you quiet. I told you to perform. I didn't let you be authentically yourself. And when we can reconnect because compassion actually releases more dopamine than exercise. External dopamine. So if you can show yourself that love, and I think we've seen this muddied of self-love. Self-love means just not attacking yourself and saying, given everything I've been through, of course, it makes sense. I would feel like that. That's how we can actually grow and move on and stop staying stuck. But that requires grieving, grieving the life I thought I was going to have, grieving the life I did have and grieving the parts of me that felt like they had to keep me safe because the adult version of me couldn't do that. Would you agree that. I see two types of relationships, one where both people. Don't really make an effort and things fall apart or the other where one person's really trying and the other person's not really engaging. Those are the two types of relationships I see. Is there a third one that I'm missing? I think and I'm hopeful that the third one that you're missing is the one that we're trying to create. Right. The one of two people. Like, I hope that that's what we're creating. Yeah. So when I see those other two types of relationships, let's look at the one where both people are not making an effort. If that's the space you end up in, is that just a sign that you're just not right? You're not right for each other because you both lost enthusiasm. You both lost energy and you might as well move on. I think it depends on the circumstance. If because think about it this way, my partner, I love him to the moon and back. He's a little bit more of a way of leaning. So he shuts down. He goes inwards. He just goes in his head. Doesn't make him a bad person. He just gets overwhelmed and he shuts down where I go outward. I want to talk about it and I want to communicate and let's go and let's understand this. It has taken us three and a half years for him to be able to not leave the room and to sit with me and have the conversations. Now he's the one sometimes will be like, come here. Let's talk. I'm like, but that took us three and a half years of him being in therapy every week, doing hypnotherapy, like really working on himself to get one variable to work out in my favor that I needed. But everything else I was OK with because I could grieve the things that I wasn't getting. I think what we have to look at and see is 80 20. Right. If you're telling me that this person you're bored with them, you don't like their personality, you don't have anything in common, you don't want the life with them. Then at that point, you're doing yourself a disservice staying because I think we see it as, well, I love them. I love. I love isn't enough. We know we talked about this last time. Love. I wish it was enough. It never will be. It never has been. Proximity and timing matter so much more than love, because if I'm not the right place at the right time with you, I won't be able to receive you. And so I think it's also realistic that people outgrow each other. The person that maybe I got with that this person has changed. Life happened to me. Maybe I lost something or I quit my job or something has happened. And I think we need to be realistic. My brother said this to me and it changed everything. If you're going to break up with somebody, do you want to break up with somebody? Do you want to be uncomfortable for the next six to eight months or do you want to be uncomfortable for the rest of your life? Which one is longer for you? And that blew me away because a lot of us don't want to deal with the discomfort of, oh, I don't want to hurt them. And then we have to break up finances. And now I have to go out and date. I'll just stay where I'm at. But if you're OK to be uncomfortable for the rest of your life because this is what you're putting up with, that's your decision. You're making a choice. But if not, you might be uncomfortable for six, eight, 12 months, depending on the dynamic. But then you get to reclaim your life and show up for you. Which one are you going to choose? And then in the other one where you have one person making lots of effort and the other person not making effort for a long time what does that one look like that one to me looks like a waste of your time because if one person is running the relationship resentment is going to breed you're going to be exhausted it's funny i was at a women's group the other night and somebody said she said yeah my partner and i in therapy but he refuses to go he thinks it's stupid he doesn't want to waste his time he puts me down my friends won't even sleep over my house because he's so negative and screams at me but i still love him and i told her and i said listen i'm going to say this with love but you carrying this relationship on your back doesn't make you a martyr and it doesn't make you empathetic this makes you a doormat you are waiting for the other person to choose you let me ask you did that work with your parents did your dad one day decide to work on this family no your father left and left you as kids and so for a lot of us we hope that if i explain this to you if i tell you how much this hurts me you'll change you'll see look i'm bleeding you'll see i'm hurt but for a lot of people that requires them to be more in touch with their feelings them to sit with things so they'd rather just go i don't want to deal with this it's hard enough getting through life do you now need to have somebody that's making your life harder because you are trying to grow and evolve and you're constantly dragging them on this journey i would say be realistic on how much you actually think is going to change and if you're not okay living with that then that's the choice and i think you know it it's almost like saying am i willing to be patient while someone changes if they even want to change in the first place because i think that's the critical part of the recipe where you can be patient and you can be patient and you can be patient and you can be understanding you can make them feel seen heard and understood but if they don't want to change and if they don't choose to change and if they don't take on a path to change then what are you waiting for you know it's funny i did a video the other day saying i feel bad for avoidance like i i have empathy for people that shut down and can't receive love and you know how many comments i got saying well i've healed i've done the work they're the issue to me that just shows you actually haven't done even a quarter of the work because when you do the work on your own you're not going to be able to do it again you're not going to be able to do it again yourself you're doing that for you so that you can identify if that's actually the right person to join you on this journey because that's why right person wrong time is such a fallacy because what makes them right is that they're in your life at the right time if you and i jay you and i are dating on this episode apparently let's say you and i were in a romantic thing we break up i go and do all this work on myself you and i coming back together years later might mean that i'm not interested in you at all i could start to say oh i hated that part of you and i didn't like this and now i'm okay setting these boundaries and having that and so i think it's interesting how we romanticize this mess so that we can feel like oh but there's a reason i'm in it we give ourselves meaning for being in this and feeling strong as if like i'm martyring myself look see i'm making this work when all we're doing is we're just kicking the can down the road because you're not going to get these years back i might get emotional when i say this but my mom got sick uh eight years ago and she went to the doctor with a headache and they found six brain aneurysms and two carotid arteries of the neck and the whole time i'm that she was in the hospital and she was going through her thing i was texting and i was on my phone and i was trying to get guys to like me and i was doing everything i could to detach and now eight years later she's struggling you know she's um forgetting things she's not as present um she really struggles to remember things and i have to remind myself constantly that the choices i made then were because i was needing something i can hold that truth but i also need to accept that i'm missing out on time with her that i will never get back and so i think we all think that we have so much time and whatever it's fine i'll waste five years on this person but i want you to look around and come up for air and look at the fact that you might never see your caregiver again you might never see your sibling again you might never have these moments again and so what you waste with other people will inevitably catch up with you when you cannot go back and repair that and now i don't have my phone when i'm with my mom i am as present as i possibly can be because i know that one day she won't be here and i don't want my memory to be lost and i don't want my memory to be lost and i don't want my memory to be me stuck down looking at a screen hoping someone validates me instead of being present with the person that i love because those people don't earn my time but this person deserves it i'm so tired of seeing people waste their life hoping someone's going to change because at the end of the day what makes you think it's appropriate to hope that they change i don't think it's appropriate for me to want someone to change besides to elevate and to grow in the ways that i am but if i want to fundamentally change you then that means i don't actually love you for who you are i love you for the version i need you to become and that's a really dangerous place even if that person needs to grow it's not your job i'm not your therapist i'm not your coach if you need to grow i can tell you and i can say hey baby i think that there's something that we need but if you're gonna lash out or dismiss me or say of course you want to talk about therapy because you then that person's telling you right like i know that i love my dad and i hope with every bone in my body that he reads this book and sees a window into my world and maybe wants to have a conversation but i know that he needs to do a lot of work on but you know what it was it was my job to say but this doesn't work for me and i need to set boundaries so that i can show up sustainably if we're going to have a relationship that's all i can have control over so yeah there's a lot of people that need to change i see it you see it we all see it but all i can do is lovingly tell them right like this book will change your life but it's only if you do the work in it it's not just by reading it and intellectualizing it it's by implementing it and facing the demons and going from the depths of hell and back to say i know myself i found myself i saved myself and that takes a lot of courage anyone who's doing that i take my hat chapeau chapeau i take my hat off to you because you are choosing to better yourself and to become the light because so many of us dim our lights because we're scared of taking up space and i am so proud of everyone that makes it brighter because we get to shine the way in a very dark tunnel the lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything even our music that hit song named after the color of lemons not a coincidence big lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years think about it but now seven up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda now lime comes first seven up flip the sip i hate mondays king's hawaiian cinnamon swirl bite taylor hansen sure i'll try one hey let's get back to work please but taylor hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly king's hawaiian lemon soda cinnamon bites taylor hansen nice try one king's hawaiian cinnamon bites there's nothing like it this episode is brought to you by palm olive family time isn't just the big moments it's weeknight dinners sitting around the table everyone talking all at once so when the most powerful formula removes up to 99.9 of grease leaving your dishes sparkling clean and the new convenient pump makes cleaning even easier so you can spend less time tackling dishes and more time together shop now at palmolive.com this episode is brought to you by netflix's new series east of eden a bold reimagining of john steinbeck's masterpiece following generations of the trask family through love betrayal and the choices that shape humanity starring mike feist and christopher abbott as the trask brothers and florence pew as kathy ames the complex anti-heroine determined to build the life she wants no matter the cost watch east of eden now only on netflix when we don't know where it's going yeah we've mentioned these terms and you talk about this in the book and i was saying to you before we started that i'm so glad that you do because i believe if we understand this we could solve 70 to 80 percent of our relationship issues and we could solve 70 to 80 percent of our relationship issues and we could solve 70 to 80 why are anxious and avoidant people often so attracted to each other anxious and avoidant people need each other so anxious people are also avoidant and avoidant people are also anxious oh tell me so anxious people are avoidant in the sense because everything is you validate me you tell me that you're going to love me you give me reassurance why aren't you answering me so they avoid dealing with what's coming up for them because if they actually sat with it they'd say that person's limited right i can hold two conflicting thoughts i don't think they're they just don't care why because our brain wants to close the loop right we want a quick answer a quick answer of oh that's it great i don't have to take more energy to try to understand their perspective avoidant people are beyond anxious they shut down because their nervous system says this isn't safe that's why i say my heart goes out to avoidant people who feel like being themselves is scary who feel like having emotions is not a safe thing to do and my heart goes out to anxious people who feel like they can't be themselves without someone telling them they're okay anxious people like avoidant people are not safe they're not safe they're not safe they're not safe because when they meet them they're like oh you're more stoic oh you have high sense of self you're really confident you can be alone and the avoidant person sees the anxious one and says oh my god i love it look how warm you are and you're so you have this big personality and then they start to trigger each other the avoidant person pulls away the anxious person wants more wait wait where are you going come back the avoidant person starts to feel suffocated they always come back is the silliest term do you want to know why avoidant people come back because they have space from the stimulus so when they're with you they're triggered they go oh no i can't do this they think you are the problem so they run away then they go and date someone else and then that person triggers them but then you have space so now they're going you know what maybe she wasn't so bad or maybe he wasn't that bad then they go back and they come back going oh you're right you know it wasn't you it was it was them and then they get triggered again because the avoidant person feels uncomfortable sitting with emotion so they just want to hop out and the anxious person is so uncomfortable being in their own skin that they just want someone else to tell them that they'll be okay that's why they both need each other it's the same hyper independence and hyper codependence same side of just the other side side of the coin. So if an anxious and avoidant person end up together, which is the most likely pairing, I think that we're going to see in the world, if that ends up happening, what should you both be aware of in order to grow together rather than grow apart? I think the most beautiful way that you can love somebody is to understand how they need to be loved. So if for me, I can go on my loops and I start to get on my ADHD spiral and my partner knows me well enough to where he used to shut down and completely leave me on this island. And I'd say, my God, I'm struggling. I need you. And so now he knows that it's not personal, right? Like he sits there and he's like, I know this isn't about me. She's having her experience. And he'll say, what can I do for you? Do you want me to just listen? Great. I can just listen. And then vice versa, when I see him shut down and I'll say, hey, are you present? And he's like, I'm offline. I said, you know what? Talk to me in 20. And then all of a sudden he'll come back and he's like, I'm good. Everything's fine. Sorry. I was just processing something in my head. That's my aspect here. Both people need to be doing the work. Because if I were just spraying and praying, right? Protest behavior. Examples of that could be silent treatment, right? Or, you know, I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore. Hoping that you'll go, no, no, I'm here. Let me fix this. Protest behavior could be texting a thousand times. It's just you're doing everything you can to reconnect. If I'm engaging in that, meanwhile, the other person shutting down and retreating, we're just going to constantly get into a cycle. And it's a band-aid that you keep putting on. What the anxious person needs to learn is space is not the enemy. That you're allowed to take 20 minutes, go for a walk, come back and say, hey, I realized I think I overreacted there. What you said wasn't that bad. Or this is what I realized and I actually hated the way you said that. The avoidant person has to learn to sit in the moment and in the mess to say, this isn't a threat to who I am. I'm not a failure because this person's upset with me. Because that's really the crux of it. The avoidant person is terrified of being rejected for who they are. The anxious person is terrified for being loved for who they are. Because the anxious person thinks that there's a problem with me. And so I just need to get someone to love me for who I am. But really, they have a fear of true intimacy because that's why a lot of anxious people are also emotionally unavailable. They think that they're talking about emotions, but constantly talking doesn't mean you're necessarily communicating. And so by just saying, well, but you did this, and you did this, and you did this, when do you stop to say, and here's how I felt, and here's how it impacted me, and here's what I need from you. Can you do that? Because if the other person says, no, I can't, you have a choice. And when we get into the anxious avoidant dynamic, we go back to being kids because we think we don't have a choice. And the most, the best news I can give is you will never be seven years old again, ever. So now you get to take up space. And if that means you lose that person, what are you losing? The funny thing is, I think most people, when they see attachment theory, you go, okay, I could be avoidance, anxious, or secure. And we go, I'm secure. There's a funny study that says only 2% of the world's population can multitask. But when everyone hears that, they think they're in that 2%. But that's how we do it. So I feel like when everyone looks at secure attachment avoidant, unless you're really honest with yourself, you go, no, I'm secure. I'm good. I don't need anything. And mostly when you say, I don't need anything means you're probably avoidant. And then the person who's saying, I don't need anything, but really needs validation is probably anxious. And so I guess the first step is awareness with your partner, with the person you're potentially dating. How do you have that conversation with someone? It's funny you bring that up. My least favorite question to ask on a date. People do it all the time. What's your attachment style? First of all, people are terrible at self-identifying. To your point, like dating apps, when you're like, I'm looking for someone healthy and confident and secure. Most people are like, oh yeah, that's me. And then they're not. So I would say what we're looking at is I want you to notice patterns of behavior before you try to diagnose them or yourself, because attachment styles are also fluid. You can pendulum and swing. So there's anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. People think disorganized means you're both. It's not. It's the amalgamation of the trauma in the attachment. Come here, go away. We've all met that person that you're like, are you bipolar? Why are you so hot and cold? That's that disorganized. Low sense of self, low sense of others. So it's, I want you, but you're terrifying to me. I want you, but this is scary. Oh, interesting. I didn't know about that one. Prevalent of homes of abuse, alcoholism, where their caregiver was their source of fear and love. So you have both. The anxious is low sense of self, high sense of others. As an anxious, when you're a child, you regulated when someone came back to get you, right? The story I talk about in the book is when I cried, cried, cried as a kid, I would throw up. My mom would come in. I learned that I had to learn helplessness. I had to perform to get someone to come in and get me. And then the avoidant is, this doesn't matter. No one's coming. I can only rely on myself. High sense of self, low sense of others. So they understand independence, but not interdependence. Anxious people understand interdependence, but not independence. And then the disorganized doesn't really want to take either. I think the first step is looking at the patterns of behavior. I don't want anyone to use attachment theory to diagnose their partner. You can say there are behaviors like, hey, this feels very avoidant. Are you trying to avoid the conversation? Do you feel uncomfortable? A question I ask my partner all the time is, what do you hear me say? Because he'll say, I heard you say that, like, I don't do anything right. And I'm like, fair. I apologize if that's how it came off. Can I share with you exactly what I meant? So that I can understand his perspective. It doesn't mean that I have to give up mine, but it means that I can understand. Do not ask somebody what their attachment style is on a date. Most people are not going to be honest. Or if they go, yeah, I'm avoidant, you're going to be like, oh boy. And then you're hypervigilant and you're constantly scanning. You're waiting for them to disappoint you. And at that point, you're no longer trying to connect with them. You're trying to get them to choose you. And we've totally lost the plot. Tell me the difference between seeking connection and testing someone so that they choose you. Seeking connection is that no matter what, I'm going to be authentically myself. And if we jive, great. If my freak flag flies and so does yours, awesome. Because I'm curious. I'm understanding you. And I'm going to just be myself and hope that this works. When you're trying to get someone to choose you or trying to understand, you're playing a chess game. And you're constantly looking at everything. You're no longer actually in the moment. You're not present. You're trying so hard to see, but are they going to like me? Will they ask me out again? That you're either future tripping or you're stuck in the past of, oh, but this is what my ex said. And I don't think that this person means it. Or I think that's a big disconnection point. We're on our phones so much at this point. I mean, I don't think any of us can overlook the impacts that cell phones have had. That Gen Z is the first generation to not outperform mentally the generation before, right? This is the first time this has ever happened in history because we're not activating the prefrontal cortex. We're using chat. We have so much access to information and yet we know nothing. So we can't overlook the fact like dating apps have changed things, right? I'm not going to Pollyanna and be like, what? It's still 1950. But we are so stuck in everything is like Amazon. I want it at my door when I want it, how I want it. We look at the menu of a restaurant before we go because we don't want to be stuck in the unknown because we're so scared of being uncomfortable. I do that all the time. Right? Even Ryan, he's like, we can't just go and see. I'm like, no, but what if we waste time? What if they don't have what I like? And it's because there's that moment of, I need to have control of this and then I will feel okay. Whereas I feel like sometimes when I put my phone down and I'm out for three hours and I'm like, oh, I forgot that the world existed because I stopped to look at the trees and smell some air. And I want people to be able to go out and actually identify, do I like you and how I feel with you? Not do you want me and do you pick me? Whether you're married in a relationship, you're dating, okay, it runs the gamut because we're trying so hard to be validated. But do you love yourself? Do you appreciate the version of you that's showing up? If the answer is no, then like my mom always said, what if I told you in six to eight months that you were going to meet the love of your life? You wouldn't have to worry about a thing. How would you start to act today? And I was like, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't give a shit about these people. And I was like, oh, I see what you're doing. Because if I know in my gut that it's out there for me, then I'm not going to waste my time. Right? I'm not going to go for the job that's 20K. But if I'm scared that every rock I turn has to be the one I'm so focused on, if you're going to like me, that I've stopped to even ask if I want to, and if I'm enjoying this. And that's something. What makes a relationship healthy is that you know it can end at any moment. Because every single day, you're making a choice to be with each other. Every day, you and Roddy, you choose each other. Every moment. And if she came to you and said, babe, I'm sorry. That's it. I'm done. Okay, let's have a conversation about it. And we move on with our life. That's what makes it healthy. Codependency is I need you in my life. Healthy is I want you in my life. And I'm creating a space. But if you don't earn that place, I'm not going to keep you. Plays to be. Because then you're like, I'm going to go to bed and have just me at the end of the day. And if you're going to add to my stress, no thanks. As I'm listening to you, I'm thinking, I hope everyone is taking notes. Because everything that's coming out of your mouth, I'm blown away. And second of all, I hope everyone's ordering the book right now. Because honestly, when I hear you speak and break these really complex things down into really simple ideas, you do it phenomenally in the book as well. And it's just translating these ideas into our life. What happens is we get carried away with the emotions, with the feelings, with the attraction, with whatever else it may be that captivates us. And you stop realizing that these systems are deeply embedded under every interaction possible. Like this is the system. This is what's going on. And you can ignore it because you think the other person has an amazing job or amazing background or looks incredible, or you guys will look good together. But this is the system that's going to define whether you're worthy of it or not. And you can ignore it because you work hard or not. What's the difference between a relationship that's truly peaceful and one that just doesn't have any chemistry? The reason people say healthy equals boring is because it doesn't trigger your nervous system. So we talk about the trauma tingles, right? That's just blood rushing to your phalanges so that you'll run, but they're hot. So you run towards them. But if they were, you know, a creep, you would be running the other way if you felt this. We mistake that this feeling must mean that they're the right one for me. When oftentimes that's just familiar, right? Maybe they're really a lot like your dad or your mom, or they remind you of someone else. And then you're like, oh, I don't know. I don't your kindergarten teacher that was really mean to you. And I think we think being someone being like your mom or your dad means they do exactly the same thing in the same way. And that's not true. It's a feeling. It's a feeling of, wow, that that made me feel really small when I just said that to you. It doesn't mean you spoke like my dad did. But, oh, I hate the way I feel with you or I feel judged or, oh, wow. OK, thanks for putting me down. Right. Maybe my dad didn't put me down, but he made fun of something. And so we're trying to understand, like, where do I feel it in my body? What's coming up? So that's the like it's chemistry. Right. Chemistry does not mean compatibility. Chemistry means you might have great sex. Right. You could have a great time that night. You guys might make really beautiful looking kids. But that doesn't mean that you have morals, ethos and ethics that align. Whereas. Right. So healthy. The reason we say healthy equals boring. You're not triggered. You're not activated. And like, I'll give you an example. With me and Ryan, when he liked me, so we slept together on the first date, he called me the next day and he said he wanted to see me. My first response was, why? But you shouldn't want to see me. I didn't earn it. I don't have to work at this. Like, this is easy. So then you must not have value. So let's talk neuroscience for a quick second. When you have something that you perceive as valuable, I'm not talking like high value man and woman. I'm talking actual value. And then there's inconsistency. We create novelty. And so, of course, if I told you, Jay, this is the only copy of the book in the world. You can only have this. You'd probably be like, oh, my God, I want one. But if I was like, oh, you can get it at a store for three cents. I don't know if I want it that bad when something is given freely to us. And we have core beliefs that believe I'm not deserving. I'm not worthy. Why do you like me? Then what does that do? The reason we go, oh, no, thank you. And find an ick is because then I have to go. Maybe there was never anything wrong with me. Maybe someone just taught me that. Some were younger in my life. But that takes a lot of bandwidth versus I'm bored. Right. You're not funny. You don't. I'm not interested. I don't have any curiosity. You're just there. And I don't want anyone to do charity work. You don't have to be the person because they're nice. I still want you to feel excited and happy when you're with this person and say, like, we have a good time. We get through life together. But there's a difference between I need to feel intensity. What happens when the feeling fades? Who are you stuck with? Who are you left with? Somebody that has no bandwidth? Somebody that walks out when you get sad? Somebody that doesn't think that you having an opinion matters? Great. So that you had a good time on your first date. What else do they have? When you first start dating someone, what are the healthy signs to look out for? And what are the things that are just distractions? The distractions, I'll go there first. Oh, they're really good looking. They have a good job. They're fun. They have a lot of friends. Right. Usually when I ask clients, like, what do you like about this person? That's where they'll go. I'll be like, oh, they're really cool. And they're fun. Then if they say, oh, I feel really safe with them. And I'll say, could you give me an example? Well, I felt safe in the beginning, but now they're starting to be inconsistent. Like, so then you didn't feel safe. It's a pattern of behavior is what we're looking for. What I want you to start to look out for, especially early, is can I say no to this person? What happens when I say no and set a boundary and go, no, I don't want to do that? Do they get mad at me? Do they push me? Do they pressure me? Or do they respect that? We got to take up space. Please stop listening to anybody on the internet that is telling you to not talk about politics or marriage on a first date. Doesn't mean you need to get into a debate. But if it's a non-negotiable for me, if I am as a 36-year-old woman, if I were out dating and I knew I wanted kids 100%, it's not. You think I'm going to wait four months to ask you if you want to have kids and then find out that you don't? So I think we need to sit with ourselves. What are your non-negotiables that you must know? And then the other aspect here is we need to see words and actions align. Actions are not louder than words. They need to align because that's how you create safety and trust. One part that people are not going to like, it takes time to get to know somebody. It does. And that's why we want to say, first date, just to see if you want to have a second date. Second date, just to see if you want to have a third. We go slow. We let our nervous system acclimate to this of a new person. Because my mom always says, when you start at 100, where else are you going to go? They come in and they love bomb. And they text you good morning every morning. And it's the grandiose gifts. And let's go to this beautiful dinner and all this. But then the second you tell them, hey, that didn't work for me. And all of a sudden you start to see them shift and pull away. Transformative. They were doing that because it made them feel good to get you. But it wasn't actually about you. I know you're amazing. You know you're amazing. How do you want this person to know that you were all of these things after spending five minutes with you? It's not realistic, but there's a little kid in there that really just wants to be seen. And we mistake intensity. Intensity is not intentional. Just because you're getting attention doesn't mean you're getting intention. Doesn't mean that that person actually wants the same things that you do in life. That's what we want to find out. Because then you're saving yourself time if they don't. And they may say the right thing, but they may not do the right thing and follow through. And so I think that alignment is so crucial because you could sit opposite someone and they tell you that they have all the values that you've ever wanted. And the next thing you know, they're not living those values at all. Oh, I hear that all the time. I'm like, but this person told me that they want a relationship on the first date. And now they're telling me they don't feel it. Well, yeah, just because they want a relationship doesn't mean that they want one with you in the way you want a relationship. I remember going on a date with a guy who told me, his dream relationship is getting married and living in two separate homes. And in my head, I'm like, I don't want that. I want to live with my partner. I'm okay with separate bedrooms. That's fine. But I don't want a separate house. I don't want to live so autonomously. He ended up getting a girlfriend two years later. They're happy as a clam. That doesn't take away from my worth. That doesn't take away from who I am. But I'm so grateful on the first date we had that conversation so that I could say no, thank you. He wanted to travel the world and live like a nomad. I am too anxious for that. I like my routine. I like to be home. And I think that we see it now as like, well, I have to get them to want what I want because I have perceived that they are what I want. But we're not actually allowing people to show up as themselves because I wouldn't want someone to change me, would you? Not after a first date. I wouldn't be the good part to myself if I wasn't allowed to be some of the other parts of myself. Yeah. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We spend so much energy becoming the best version of ourselves, building better habits, showing up more fully, embracing mindfulness. But sometimes the most purposeful thing is to be the best version of yourself. And I think that's what you can do is just handle the thing you've been putting off. If getting your insurance sorted has been living on that list, State Farm is there to help you choose the coverage that's right for you. Go online at statefarm.com or use the easily accessible app to get help from one of their over 19,000 local agents. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. How do we finally stop taking things personally and letting other people's choices define our worth? When we're taking things personal, first thing I want you to do is put space between the stimulus and your reaction, because in that space, you can respond. Somebody says something to you and you're saying, oh, it's because you don't like me. I want you to stop and say, okay, what facts do I have to back this up? What was the actual thing that happened? They said no to me to going to dinner. What is the story that I added? That they said no because they don't like me and they think I'm stupid and they don't want to have anything to do with me. Do I have anything to back that up? No. Okay, where did I learn that from? How old do I feel when I say things like, you just don't like me, do you? I sound like a- I sound like a five-year-old, don't I? That reminds me of being at lunch at a kid and hoping that somebody was going to come pick me to play basketball or to go to play recess. Then we can stop and say, okay, I don't think this is personal. What's in my control, right? So it's even like a date. Let's say you have a date planned and the person cancels on you the night before and says, I'm so sorry, I can't go. You could, of course, be like, I knew it. It's because I did all of these things. But if you don't have anything to factually back that up, your only response is, thank you for letting me know. And then it's showing up for you and saying, okay, in this moment, I feel really dismissed and I feel really small. I liked this person. Okay, what did I like about them? That's a good question. I actually don't really know because I didn't know them, right? That's what I mean by sitting with it. It takes two minutes, 90 seconds for an emotion to run its course. It's Jill Bolt Taylor, neuroscientist. But the problem is, every time we have a thought, it starts the clock again. So I challenge everybody to set your clock for three minutes. Give yourself some buffer time to kind of get into it. Close your eyes, focus on the sensation. And so if the sensation is, it's in my chest, oh my God, okay, what does it feel like? It's like a black spiky ball and I feel like it's going to rip through my chest. Okay, sit with it. If I took the ball and bounced it, what would happen? Every person, 100% of them, 100% right now that I do this with in my practice says, oh wow, it doesn't feel as intense. Actually, wow, that feels a lot better. Because what happens is we get flooded and you go right into your amygdala, which is your fear center. When we pause and we take that one minute pause, we allow all the neurotransmitters and all the chemicals to relax in our body. And then I can turn the prefrontal cortex on and start to challenge the thoughts and be with them. Taking things personally, I used to be the queen of it. Oh, you cut me off, it'd be like, because you're a dick, right? Like somebody cuts you off in traffic and you're like, man, I can't stand that person. And you look, you're like, oh, they're like 100 years old and they can't see. Because we fill in the blanks with our core beliefs of how we project. We project onto other people how we feel about ourselves. And that's where I want to stop and say, what facts do I have to back this up? And then understand how old I feel and then start to do the work from there. Yeah. And sometimes you can even back it up with positive things. 100%. Right? You can make excuses for people's bad behavior with positive stories because you're one of the people that looks at life that way. If you're a glass half full instead of a half empty, oh, I wish. For some of us, we struggle with that. And the biggest thing is when you take it personal is also not shaming yourself for it. That's the biggest thing. Because I've had that where I'll email someone and you're like, they didn't answer me. I knew it. They didn't like me. You create this whole narrative to reaffirm your core beliefs that you're not good enough. That's why they figured it out. I knew they were going to get it. And then they email you I'm so sorry. You may want it to spam. And you're like, just kidding. But what that is, this is also called a corrective experience to your nervous system. You go, hey, you see that thing that we thought was a threat and it wasn't. So next time that happens, let's give it a minute because we might now maybe I'm right. Right. Maybe that person goes to me and I never hear from them. That's happened. But maybe there is an alternative reaction here that your response that doesn't have to mean anything about me. If you take it personal and it means something about your worth, that's when I want you to start to do the work, because this has nothing to do with the actual situation, you're now projecting how you feel about your I feel like that's at the core of so many relationship issues. Just not taking everything personally, especially, like you said, even if someone's next relationship works out, that feels like the worst. Well, think about the narrative, the story. Ask anybody, anyone going through a breakup, start to ask them, what do you miss about this person? Really, what do you miss? And they'll say, I miss, you know, how I felt with them. And then you start to realize, you're like, you don't actually miss them as a person. You miss what it gave you. You miss the fantasy, the version, the reality that you created. You miss having someone there. You miss the perception of safety. But very rarely is it actually about the person, because if it was about the person, then if they were that healthy and secure, then you probably wouldn't be this disheveled. About them, because you would have had a real conversation. You'd understand it. What do we do when emotional intimacy moves faster than behavioral consistency? That's when, hey, I think you're really amazing, but this is moving really fast for me. Do you think we can slow down the pace? Because I'm not there yet. That one boundary that you set of, hey, I'm not there, is what will change the game. Because if that person's authentic and they say, oh, you know what? I totally understand. You're right. I think I just got a little too gun-shy and excited. What does going slow look like to you? And you have a conversation. Versus, what? You don't like me? Once somebody gets defensive, you're like, so this is no longer about me. And again, an example I have is when Ryan and I first met, I said, I miss you, after like three or four dates. And he went, thank you. And I said, was that not well-received? He said, no, absolutely it was. But in full transparency, I don't move that quick. It takes me a little bit longer to miss somebody. So thank you so much. I can't wait to see you on our date. I just don't work at that pace. And then I remember like two months later, he texts me, I miss you. And I was like, oh, did we make it? And he was like, I told you it would take me a minute. And yes. I didn't judge him. I didn't get mad at him. I said, oh, thank you so much. Now I know that I'm moving a little faster than you are. So let me just kind of align and see where we kind of move. Because your nervous system is going to get really overwhelmed. And then what happens? You attach, you latch, and then when you don't have it, you're going through withdrawal. Dopamine. Dopamine is received in anticipation of. So when someone sets a bar of like intensity, right? All the love them and the doting and you're amazing and you're all of these things. But then, right, it's like the texting every day. They text you all day, morning to night. They make all these future plans, but then you see them once a month. The math doesn't math. It's that this is incongruent. That's where novelty comes in because you're going, no, no, no, this I have to have because you then have to be left with the weight of disappointment on the other side of it and disappointment in yourself that you allowed it. Why do we want people who don't want us? We want people that don't want us because there's a part of us that is hoping that if we can get them to like us, that'll heal every wound that we've ever had. Oh, so true. If I can get you to like me. See, look, my dad was wrong. I'm not too much. I'm not all of these things. More often than not, we obsess over people that don't make us feel safe because we have put them on a pedestal that is so much better than who they actually are because we're not seeing them for who they are. If we were, that would mean I'd be making a choice. And when I go back to feeling like a little kid who is never good enough, making a choice is threatening and scary to me. And so we obsess over people, limerence, right? Becoming this obsessive with people because we create a fantasy and that releases dopamine. Every time you're waiting for a text, what's going to happen? Hope. Hope is a dangerous drug because hope keeps you stuck. Instead, what I want us to do is accept it and sit in the weight of, I don't think this person likes me. And then be. Be okay disappointing people. Yeah, no, I did. But we can't disappoint people if we're not allowing ourselves to disappoint. And so if you attack yourself every time someone rejects you or says, hey, I think you're really lovely. I'm just not interested in this connection. And then you start saying, I knew it. I'm so stupid. God, what is wrong with me? Why did I do this again? That right there, you're replicating everything that happened to you in childhood. So instead, that's really hurts. And I'm going to validate it. And I feel really dismissed and I feel small and I really liked them. And I respect what they said and I appreciate their honesty because they're right there. You're telling your little, you're allowed to be sad. I validate that, but I also don't need to make this mean anything about me. But oftentimes we're scared to disappoint other people because what happens? We look like a bad person and nobody wants to be a bad person. I see that with so many people who say, I would have walked away a long time ago. I just didn't want to upset them. And I'm saying to them, but aren't you just upsetting them more by spending more time with them and then eventually getting to the same conclusion? How do we deal with that? There are so many people out there who say to me, I just can't break up. I can't let go because I feel like the bad person. When I hear that, my response to them is great. Just know you're making a choice. That's a choice you're making. You're allowed to. Like in my career, the last thing I don't ever, I always tell people, I'm like, I'm never going to tell you what to do. That's not my job. I am here to empower you to make a decision. My mama has always said, when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll make a change. And that was me. I was with my ex, the one in the book. Oh my God, it was terrible. It was terrible. It was terrible. Everybody was telling me to walk away. And I didn't because I hadn't gotten to that point yet. But what I would tell them is, okay, if you are not ready to walk away, that's fine, is what you're getting enough to grieve what you're not then. If you're okay to stay in this, that's fine. But who do you want to be? Who are you perceiving you're a bad person to? Is it them? Or do you not want your parents or your caregivers or somebody else in your life to think that you're a bad person? Because I don't think it's about them. Because if you're doing this, it's actually not for them. That's for you. Because you don't want to be perceived as that. How do you move on from a situationship without thinking they're the one that got away? You start to make them a real person and take the shine off of them. They're the one that got away. From what? The fact that they didn't want a commitment. They didn't want a relationship with you. They weren't intentional. This person was wasting your time. You were constantly begging them to see you. You were the one texting first. You were the one bringing this along. When you opened your mouth, suddenly they didn't want anything. That's where I would have to say, take the shine off of them and make them a real person. They're not the love of your life. They're not the one that you missed out. This is somebody that dysregulated your nervous system and kept you on a loop. Once we shift the narrative, we can say, they are a person that I liked and I acknowledged that I was into them. Start to extrapolate, but this is what I'm looking for in a partner. They didn't align with that. We have to really go back to taking the shine off of people because we put them on this pedestal that they didn't ask for. Nobody asked for it, but yet we put them there. And situationships, this is the harshest reality of them. One person in the situationship, benefiting from the fact that the other one's silent and the other one has such low self-esteem that they're not willing to take up space. Which one are you? And if you're going to look at me and say, yikes, I'm the one that doesn't love myself enough to take up space, then that's where the work starts because you are also not emotionally available if you consistently go after people who are not, because that's what I meant by anxious people are avoidant as well. They avoid dealing with what's coming up because if I say, oh man, this person's not right for me, that means I have to do something about it. And it's easier to go, no, no, I didn't see that. Then to go, oh shit, I saw it. Now I have to make a choice. Wow. I never thought about it like that. That's why for so many of us making choices feel scary. Because it's, I'm an adult now and I get to do that. And for the rest of development, a lot of us are still stuck in the past years without realizing it. It's not conscious. It's funny because we don't like it when someone makes the choice to not be with us, but we don't want to make that choice, even if they're not right for us. I will say being dumped sucks. Dumping someone sucks too. I hate it. When I was dating, I hated the guy that would be like, hey, I haven't heard from you. I'm assuming you're not interested. And you're like, I'm sorry. I think you're really lovely, but I'm just not interested. And you're like, oh. And I said, okay, thank you for letting me know. I'm like, oh, you're welcome. Because we almost think that I'm going to disappoint so many people. And it's like, that's where I have to be like, don't be so arrogant. You're not going to ruin someone's life. It's actually the kindest, Brene Brown says, honesty is kindness. It's the kindest thing that you could do is let them go. Because just because you don't like them doesn't mean that there is not somebody out there begging the universe for someone like that, right? There is going to be someone out there that is so grateful that the last person fucked it up with you. Because now they get what they've always been dreaming of. So instead of taking up space, open the door for them and let them go so that the right person can finally walk in and acknowledge the gem that you are and not this rough stone that this other person is convincing you that you need to polish to become. It's incredible that we believe love to be special and rare. But when it's special and rare to find, we get mad at it. It's almost like you're waiting for the next person to be the one, but you know that there's only a few people that you could potentially ever have that connection with. Yet you're hoping that every single person you've run into will suddenly turn into that person. It's so fascinating, this paradox of, I know love is rare, but I want it to be common. You know, it's funny too, as you start to heal, you realize how lonely it is. Because when I was my dysfunction, oh, I had a thousand guys in my phone book, but then people, they go, okay, I've healed, but where is it? And it's like, no, no, no, no, you healed for you. You don't get a guarantee that when you heal, there this person is. But what you did is you're now going to walk away quicker. You're not going to waste your time. You're going to be okay being alone. You're going to have love for yourself in a way that says, I want you in my life, but I don't need you in my life. And so I'm going to make choices that align with that. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's not going to be very lonely because then you start to realize how many people don't want to do the work because it's painful. Writing this book, I cried so many especially the first chapter talking about my brother and a lot of the family dynamics. Every time I read it, I cry. And that's why most people don't want to do this is because it's really hard to go back to the place that you thought your entire life to get out of. That's, that's really true. It's heavy. Yeah. You've been trying to get away from it biologically, physically, mentally, emotionally, and then you actually have to revisit it in order to move forward again. And sit with it. You know, like I think my sister once said, she's like, why do we have to live in the past? And I was like, see that, that shows me that we're not doing it right. This isn't about sitting in the past and lamenting and constantly bringing it up. But my brother and I, we had the biggest moment. So in the book, my brother was sent away when I was a kid and we for years didn't talk about it. It was just, he came back in my twenties and that was it. Your brother's back and there it is. And we had this huge fight and we didn't talk for like two years. And about five or six months ago, not even, he came over and he looked at me and he just screamed, when are you going to let me free? I'm sorry I abandoned you. When are you going to let this go? And I looked at him and I said, you know when I will? When you finally let me share that it's not because you left me and that's not why I'm mad. I've never been mad that you left me. It wasn't your choice. You were a kid. I'm like, you know why I was mad? You never came back for me. You never tried to know where I was and what I was experiencing. And we both cried and hugged each other. And I don't have to talk about this with him anymore. We are so close now. He just had a baby and I'm there all the time. And we feel so connected. We were doing work together as a filmmaker. And so we get to collaborate and do the things I've always wanted. The big brother I always had. But I had the big brother that was mean to me, right? In the 90s, it was fun to put your sister down. And then we never got to have that experience of coming back together. He left and he was gone for four years. So the only other man in my life had left me. No wonder I was constantly hoping people would come back and get me. And that is those moments where you have to say, I had to stand up for Sab and say, no, no, this is why I'm upset. And now we can move on from it. And we hugged and we cried and we did it. And it freed us both. That's so beautiful. So happy for you. Thank you. It doesn't happen with every family member and that has to be the part that you got to be okay with. Yes. But when you can have these moments, this isn't about living in the past. It's about understanding the past so you can have a different future. Do you think it's possible that if someone doesn't heal that relationship with a family member in the past, that they can't have a positive, healthy, romantic relationship in the future? The only way I think it's not possible is if you don't internally deal with it, right? So like, I'm not going to, my dad's not talking to me. This is, that's not an option. I don't need him to validate my experience for me. I don't need me to know what I went through. And I think that's the culprit here. Because for a long time, like, I haven't actually haven't shared this story outside of the book. And you're the first person I'm going to share it with is that I almost got kidnapped when I was seven. And when I came in to tell my parents, like, I had just saved my life. I literally, like, got away from this and went home. And I when I told my parents, my mom said, that's a dream. And my dad said, go back to bed and leave me alone. So I'm thinking this whole time I make things up, right? This didn't happen. I can't trust myself. I don't need my mom or dad to tell me what happened. I needed to go back and say, I'm so proud. You saved my life. I'm so proud of you. I am so sorry. I dismissed you and discredited you this whole time. That right there is enough to heal you versus begging my dad to be like, you're right. I messed up. I shouldn't have done that. He's not going to. And that's okay. That's his perceptive perception. And I have mine. But this isn't about other people. This is about you coming home to you, you validating your experience and saying that wasn't okay. What I experienced wasn't okay. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know what was I don't hate you. I love you, but I'm not going to pretend anymore that what we went through was normal. That's healing. How do you do that? How do you let go of that approval and validation that you so desperately want from this person that has never given it to you? You have to find ways to give it to yourself. Maybe that means meditating and seeing your little at the house that you always were abandoned at and going back and saying, I'm here to save you. What do you need from me? How can I support you? What are you trying to tell me? You're angry at me? That's fair. I can understand why you'd be mad at me. I haven't been exactly the nicest person to you. Healing. We have this fallacy that has to be these big moments, but actually it's in the very small micro moments of saying, wow, I didn't text that person back. I went for a walk instead. Huh? I made a different choice. I personally, I go to acupuncture every week and I cry. I do. I see my little, I'm connect with her. I hear what she's going through because we see it as I want to get rid of it. How many, how often do you hear? I want to fix this. You're not, you're not broken. There's nothing to fix. What I want to do is I want to understand her. I want to get curious about my experiences. I want to learn. Oh, that's what you could. That's the perception you had. Oh my God, that makes so much sense. No wonder I think that because when you do that, all of a sudden you'll feel your chest will soften and your shoulders relax. And you're like, thanks. I just needed to be validated and something so simple. Yeah. We've talked a lot about doing the work therapy, but you also say that you can use therapy language to avoid inconsistency. How do we do that? And how do we stop? Have you ever heard someone go? Well, that's just my boundary. That's how I am. No, you triggered me. They're using therapy to avoid accountability. And so what we want to say is, okay, what else is coming after that? If the sentence is, Hey, can I share something with you? Asking consent from this person? Yeah. What's going on? When you said this, I felt really dismissed. I got using I statements. Here's how I felt. Here's what I was impacted. And here's what I need from you. That is somebody that's when you said no to me, I felt really small. That reminded me of my dad moving forward. I'm kindly asking, is this a possibility that you would be able to say why you don't want to do this? Of course, babe, you got it. Thank you so much for a lot of people that use therapy talk to just try to deflect and put it back onto you. Well, I set a boundary and you're not respecting it. And it's like, could you share with me what that boundary is? Because it started with you. And so that's not actually a boundary for some of those people. You might not get past it, right? For narcissistic people that like to use. And that's why we have to be very careful. The information we share with people. When you're on a first date and you're trauma dumping, what is that person doing? They're calculating. That's their insecurity. This is where they're starting to map out how they can then revolve and manipulate so that they become the center of your universe. So you have to be very careful because then they come back and go, no wonder your dad used to do that. You're like, wait, what did you just say to me? Oh, my God. Wait, maybe that is why my ex used to use the one of us loves you more than the other. And it's clear that I'm the one that loves you. And I remember my mom going, and I was like, he's right. He loves me more than I love. That was incredibly manipulative because he knew what my Achilles heel was and he would constantly poke at it. And he would use that therapy lingo of like, well, I've done the work on myself and I can see that you're the one that hasn't. We want to start to get curious about do I feel supported or do I feel judged? That's a really good moment. What would you say to someone who thinks they're going to be single forever? What facts do you have to back that up? Just because you haven't met that person doesn't mean you won't. And like you exist. Other amazing people out there exist. You might just not have met them yet. There's nine billion people out there. There's almost nine billion people. It's even the same. The saying I had a girlfriend and I asked her, I said, are you happy with your husband? Which is I'm happy enough. I said, could you explain? And she said, listen, do I know that there are probably better matches out there for me? Sure. Right. Of course, there's always going to be someone that's funnier, sexier, more gregarious. But I'm really content because I don't want to have to go find that person. And she said, I'm happy with my life. I like this and I'm OK with what I'm doing. To me, that's a beautiful place to be. Of course, there's always going to be the bigger, better. There's going to be someone else next door that might satisfy your needs. But that doesn't mean that they're going to be at the age, at the demographic, at the time, in the same place and way that you are. And so if you're single now, that doesn't mean you'll be single forever. But if you activate your salience network and say, no one likes me, all men are trash, girls are crazy, I'm never going to find anybody, then your brain's going to start to believe it. It's going to start to look for it. And you're going to start to repeat the same patterns over and over again because it's what you believe. Instead of saying, I'll believe it when I see it, I always say, I'll see it when I believe it. Because I'll believe it when I see it is, oh, I need proof to believe it. But I'll see it when I believe it is, I know it's out there for me. I just might not have met that I am. Yeah. And that was the mentality I had when my mama said, if you met some three to six months, what would you do differently? I'd say no to a lot more people. How do you develop that belief when we haven't seen it? Because I feel like for so many of us, we have limiting beliefs. We have a scarcity mindset. We don't really dream that big for ourselves. But we all know we want love. There's a little delusion that's necessary. And I also think that's what corrective experiences are for. Look for your glimmers, right? Do you have a dog? What happens when your dog comes up and loves you? And you're like, oh, that felt really good. That's unconditional love. When your best friend comes over and is like, I'm on my way over. Whether you like it or not, I have soup and we're going to talk. And you're like, okay, that's a corrective experience. And so I think so many of us look at it as just romantic, right? I have to have this one thing. When we then stop to look around and go, wow, I actually have a lot of these moments, but they're just not showing up in the ways that I thought they would. And so that's why I would say who you're surrounding yourself with is the way that you want to feel when you're in a relationship. So I hope that the people in your life are treating you well. When people share they have an issue in their relationship with their friends, friends react in one of two ways. One type of friend goes, how can I be there for you? And then actually uses that insight to improve their own relationship. The other friend hears that and gets triggered by it. And instead of being there for you, it reminds them of a gap in their relationship, which now they project onto you. It's fascinating to watch. It's fascinating. Does your vulnerability make your friends support you and improve their relationship? Or does your vulnerability make your friend feel insecure and project their gap onto your relationship? It's so funny. The other night I was with a group that it was a new group. They weren't somebody that I normally hang out with. And I got the biggest brand offer I'd ever had. We got the email and I'm outside and Ryan's like, oh my God. And I was like, and when I went inside, they were like, is everything okay? And I went, I was about to say it and I went, this isn't safe. And I said, yeah, everything's good. Thanks. And I just sat down and put my phone away. That right there was that moment where I was like, huh? I started to get curious. I was like, what would they respond? I said, that one would make it about herself. That one would start to get jealous. And that one would go, oh, that's it. And that's when I realized it's like, you're not my people and that's okay. Right? You meet people all the time that are just not your type of, you're not your freak. But that was an important moment. Who do you go to when you're excited? Cause then I talked to my, my people and it's the big caps of like, oh my God, oh my God, we need to celebrate. Or when you go with a problem with your relationship, do you have one friend break up because they want you to be single? And then two, look who you're asking for advice from. That was in the book too. I wrote about my worst breakup was my friend. The best friend I had growing up that broke my heart into a thousand pieces. And the one that really does show you is like, but then what made that my best friend? What makes that somebody that you love so much that you will put them in that type of place in your life? Are they celebrating you? Are they making you feel worse about yourself? It's the same in dating. It's the same in a relationship. It's the same in marriage. Why do we fall for potential? Potential is a lot sexier than reality. If I can envision the version of you that I think you'll become, it's a lot easier than me accepting the person that you actually are. Because if I accept you for who you actually are, then I have to say, am I going to be okay if I don't get those other aspects? Falling for potential is also me filling in the blanks. So if I say, well, he could be this and he could do this and he could be like that, what I'm saying also is I could fix them. I can change them. I can save them. My mama always said, you're so focused on what if, but you're not looking at what is. Because if you're looking at what is, you probably wouldn't be in this situation. Your mom's got a lot of good advice. This should be her book. Right? I'm down here. Where's her book? Yeah. The amount of times I'm like, my mama always says, I'm like, man, that woman is, but look where I learned it from. I wouldn't have this if I didn't have someone incredible all of my life reminding me of who I am. Yeah, that's beautiful. Right? That's the glimmers we got to look for. Sabrina, is there anything I haven't asked you about that you really want to talk about that you really want to tell me that I should have, but I haven't? No, I think really fundamentally the biggest crux about this is I want people to empower themselves because if we had more independent thinkers that were challenging thoughts and having discourse, right? My God, you know as well as I do, we are in a time you cannot disagree with someone. It's the, you're either with me or you're against me. And I miss the days of being able to challenge perceptions and thoughts and patterns and getting excited to grow into the best version of who you are. Again, if you're scared of shining bright and I need you to look around who is around you trying to dim your light so badly because we need more brightness. And I hope more than anything that this book, I can't guarantee you'll meet the love of your life. I can't guarantee that you'll have all of these things. But what I can say is that you'll be okay with you. And that to me is the greatest gift you could have is being able to lay your head on the pillow at night and say, that was good before then I'll be good after. And who I am is more than enough. Then I've done my job. Sabrina, we end every episode of On Purpose with a final five. These questions have to be answered in one sentence maximum. The final five today is brought to you by State Farm. Being financially savvy is a smart move. Another smart move, choosing State Farm to help you create a plan that fits you when you choose to bundle home and auto. Sabrina Zohar, these are your final five. Question number one, what is the best relationship advice you've ever heard or received? A relationship is one giant conversation. When you stop talking, you stop having connection and you stop having the relationship. So don't ever stop communicating. That's so good. I absolutely love that. A relationship is just one giant conversation. 21 years married and she's like- And so if you're not talking, not communicating, oh, that's so good. You stop talking. Your relationship dies. That's brilliant. Question number two, what is the best breakup advice you've ever heard or received? Take the shine off of them. What makes them so amazing? The fact that they didn't want to be with you. Start to get curious about who they reminded you of and less about who you were hoping they were going to become. Question number three, what are the three questions you should ask on a first date? How'd your last relationship end and what did it teach you about yourself? How do you handle conflict? Are you somebody that likes to talk immediately or do you like to have space? And how do you see a relationship fitting into your life? Those are three things that are going to tell you. Anything you need to know. Let's break those down a bit. Talk to me about each of those questions and why they're useful and how you evaluate them. So how'd your last relationship end and what did it teach you about yourself? I don't care about your ex. I want to see, do you take accountability? Are all your exes crazy? Wow, that's so funny that you're the common denominator of that. Did they learn? Are they growth-minded? Something that they, you know, what'd you change your mind about, right? So I can see the thought process. When you ask them, how do you handle conflict? This person could say, oh, I like to take some space. Oh, okay. Do you communicate that where you could start to get curious? And understand how they handle things? Because I don't really care how things are when you're good. I want to know how things are when it's not so great between you two. And the third one, how does a relationship fit into your life right now? You're trying to see if you're both on the same page. Because if they say, right, I'll give you an example. I dated a guy before Ryan and he said, a relationship isn't really a priority because I just got funding for a new movie and I'm going to Asia for eight months to film. And we both looked at each other and I was like, oh, so this isn't going to go anywhere. Because what I was able to then read between the lines is, is this a priority to you? Because if it's, I want to get married and have kids and I'm really intentional about that. So if I don't see that with you, I'm not going to waste my time. Great. Then we don't have to deal with that. But then if they tell you anything on the contrary, you can decide if you want to see this person again. You're gauging emotional availability without being so out front and obvious about it. What's the biggest myth about dating out there right now that you want to bust? That somebody that triggers you in dating or relationships isn't right for you. Your partner is going, people are going to trigger you. It triggers a neutral action or inaction. And so if you are looking perfection and you are looking for perfection and you're trying to be perfect, you're going to be alone for a lot longer. I'm not looking for somebody who doesn't have any flaws. I'm looking for somebody who I have enough in common and want the same things in life enough to where we can grow together as two people. So stop looking for perfection and instead start looking for somebody that is actually just aligned with you in the way that you want to go in life. Fifth and final question. If you could create one habit that you'd like our audience to follow for the next seven days, what would it be? Take 60 seconds before you respond to something. Give yourself the grace and the beauty of having a moment to defuse, allow your nervous system to regulate so that you can access your prefrontal cortex and actually decide how do I want to respond to this? Not how and what is my knee-jerk reaction in this moment? Today's final five was brought to you by State Farm. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can bundle and save with the personal price plan. Prices are based on ratings plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. Sabrina Zaha, thank you so much. The book is called Why Am I Like This? Go and grab your copies right now. Break your relationship patterns and create the life you want. Sabrina, congratulations on your debut book. I'm so excited. Coca-Cola. For the big. For the small. The short and the tall. Peacemakers. Risk takers. For the optimists. Pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you. I hate Mondays. King's Hawaiian cinnamon swirl bite? Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Hey, let's get back to work, please. But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites. Taylor Hansen? Nice. Try one. Mmm. King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites. There's nothing like it. This episode is brought to you by Netflix's new series, East of Eden. A bold reimagining of John Steinbeck's masterpiece following generations of the Trask family through love, betrayal, and the choices that shape humanity. Starring Mike Feist and Christopher Abbott as the Trask brothers, and Florence Pugh as Kathy Ames, the complex anti-heroine determined to build the life she wants, no matter the cost. Watch East of Eden now, only on Netflix. For you, and I'm truly so excited for people to read this. Thank you so much. Thanks, Jay.