S4 Ep. 16 - 4 Hangry Men

Dungeons & Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Oh my gosh. Yeah, no. Definitely not the asshole. Okay, next one. Am I the asshole for threatening someone with death so I could live stream? Suspect. So me and my three friends all mail in our 60s, 70s. We're in space trying to get a spaceship to get off of six moons. And so we went to the IBS Recruitment Center, run by a porcupine guy, my friend Dale, called prickly. At it, you wouldn't think it was racist if you were there. That I would. We lightly implied we could kill him and his loved ones if he didn't connect this to a higher up, which he did. And then we live streamed the IBS troops as they prepared to kill us all. But we didn't kill anyone. We just needed the IBS to give us a ship so we could go rescue my sweet, kind, talented grandson Oliver on Avia. And we warned them about the Nightcrawler Drive. So we're kind of the best people in the world and not assholes at all. Wait, Nightcrawler, like X-Men? Oh, I love X-Men. I want to fuck Professor X. No, I want to fuck Professor X. So if you judge us to be assholes or you say YTA in any way, you need to take a long hard look in the mirror, buddy. Why are you even on this website? You should be helping us rescue my grandson. Fuck you, man. Anyways, am I the asshole? Okay, um, wow. And there are some edits. Edit downvotes, really? Edit, please do not look at my post-history. I do not know how to delete it. Oh. What the fuck is going on? What the fuck was that? Psych, it's grandpa's in galaxies, this season dog. What is happening? It's a grand space popper about four gulfs. I don't feel safe. Who takes this exact space, my friend? Who takes it to the stars to rescue their grandkids and perhaps the entire known universe in the process. It's a D&D with that darn matters. It's a stooch-cooch along the way. That's not a phrase. Yeah, why not? That's right, it's a teacher. It's not a hooch-and-cooch. No, a hooch-a-cooch. Okay. Yeah, that makes more sense. It makes more sense, but it's so weird. Hey, it could happen. Hey, hey, hey, anything can happen when you're in a wild west. Did you think grandkids and grandpas aren't down there looking envelopes, man? Okay, now I'm with Andy. My name is pretty long. I play Ashley Birch, Ashley with the knee. Birch, like the tree, born in '64. That makes Ashley Birch, the youngest boomer alive. He's a twin galaxy's Eric Gadget here. He's an arcade pro gamer turned Twitch streamer. We've had a lot of ships. Oh, we're not too, okay. Ship streamer. What ship? He's a gamer. He's like to ship Ashley and her personally. Okay. What's their ship name, Matt? It's, uh, Hershey. Hershey. Hershey Kiss. Hershey Kiss. Hershey Kiss. Wow. Ashley's fact. This grandpa fat birdie. He's dating her. You heard it here first. We've had a lot of space ships that we've been traversing and training. We fucking were like John Wick with those guns with those spaces. I know we keep changing them. Lesser D&D podcasts when you get in one and be like, wow, that's your ship for the season. Not this one. We could care less about more gifts. We really want that one back, though. This is the best one. It has all your favorite characters. However, Ashley loves space ships. And he's been disappointed because none of them have come close to the crown in his eye. The Idris P. The Peacekeeper. This is a civilian experience. You were in a ship that sucked your dick and you're wishing that it was a different ship. That was more of the carpet, too. That's his up. Yeah. The carpet, batch the drapes. The drapes. That's the question. Have we talked about the fact that our producer keeps begging us to actually do facts about the Fermi Paradox, the game and the ostensibly play. But you just keep doing stars. Because Ashley's stars isn't streamer, dude. But he loves the Fermi Paradox, ideally. Well, yes, he does. But now, what is he loves in the Fermi Paradox? It's just ever wonder if we've ever sold out. Just know that our producer keeps asking us to do Fermi Paradox. Because that's an our idea thing that we could sell. And we go, nope. We are artists. Yeah, I want to talk about stars. Ashley Birch is what we call pot committed. He has spent a lot of money on stars. And therefore, just as Freddie spent a lot of time researching stars. Yeah, I'm not going to make up stuff. Yeah. Yeah. That's not what his podcast is about. The interest p, dude. Okay, interest p. May fascia by egis dynamics. This is, I believe, the most expensive ship that you can pledge for. That's what he's got. How much was he spent? $1,250. Hey, everybody. My name's Matthew Arnold. I play Dale Elliott, the world crew's love and ex lifeguard, who's living as best lung lung life. He's a little lung lung lung lung lung. Dale's a widow of one father, four grandfather, seven, and friend to all. I think we're maybe on the final sense. It depends if I wanted the eighth one or not. This is a proprioception, which I think is how you pronounce it, which essentially just the awareness of where your body is. His favorite version of that is a tough one. He is, and he haven't really been able to see it yet. And maybe that was part of his cranky attitude until he's decided to mill out again. Is he's a big yoga man. He loves yoga. And yoga is pretty much just exploring all that. It is just knowing where your limbs are in relation to your body. Your body understands it. Yoga is just knowing where you're okay. Yeah, yoga is just knowing where your body is. I thought it was stretching. I'm doing yoga right now. I'm going to chair. Yoga. You guys just waiting for some cutie to touch you and correct your posture. Exactly. That's how I do yoga. I do yoga. That's creepy. And his least favorite, proprioceptic feeling is his hands have been getting tingly. And he wakes up a lot with just not feeling his hands. And he just doesn't like that. He wakes up a little bit. Was that tied to the hip being stretchier? No, okay. It's just just aging. And you know, he's not enjoying it. You know, aging is beautiful in its own way, but not a fan of that part of it right now. I figured his least favorite, proprioze, whatever it would be when he does an upward dog. Nobody's calling for it. I went to the well once too often. You waited a good year and a half. Maybe more. Oh, man. Could you imagine? Oh, man. I see the vision. It would have been incredible. It's just not. It was just not. Hey, you know what? Someone listening fell for it. Yeah. You had like to say, not much at all. You had like to say, not much at all with some of you. Hi, I'm Will Campos. I play Ralph Estorias. He's sci-fi. Scribes slash wife guys, whose wife died and is a sorcerer slash radiation freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. My Ralph fact this week is a Ralph's favorite grandpa joke is every do this with cookie all the time. He's always roller rise. They go like Starbucks. And he'd see the coffee and it'd be like bold and dark with a nutty aroma. And he'd be like just like me. So anytime he's still like come anytime he sees a coffee that has like the like the full body whatever. He has to describe himself as a coffee. Anthony, you're having some uncharitable reactions to people saying things. You know, nutty doesn't necessarily mean come eat. I can't be a good. Yeah. And then just because I want. You want people to judge you. Because I want to pay something. That wasn't really offended on my behalf. I just wanted to transition to her. Ralph's also a Gucci smoocher. That's great. That's great. Everybody should just say it like smoocher. That's all. We just don't like the way you said it. Why? Yeah. Why can a man not. I will think about that. I'll think about why that. Ralph, the man who smooches could also could be smooching Gucci. You should be fine with both of those. With what? Smooching Gucci. Gucci smooch. If you're doing right, you're getting both. That's true. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. It's something a good country song. Yeah. You can't lick the envelope without getting a little letter on your tongue. Hi. My name is Beth May and I play Herb. The Warm Quigley, a young and hard barbarian storytelling grandpa who is losing the plot. Fun fact about Herb is that he goes to the library every morning to read a newspaper. So that people will touch him and correct him. Yes. This does not have to be a current newspaper. No, no. It's just kind of, you know, whatever. Is that pulled with my profile? Yeah. Yeah. He pulls that up and looks through and he just sees anything interesting and he reads that. Or only one a day. It doesn't matter if it's old because he thinks of it like that stuff already happened. So he doesn't have to stress about it. That technically goes for any article you read in the newspaper. Yeah. You know, everything here's already happened. Yeah. This is not the news. It's stupid. I mean, they do have already happened. They do have the news lines and present tense. Yeah. And they do report things that are going to happen. Like a vote is going to happen. But those are useful. That's useful. What's there to do with that's only things that are going to happen. That's what we call early edition with Kyle Chandler. I would like a big tooth to watch really. - Great, I'm sure. - I'm Anthony Birch, I'm your grandpa. - Hey, oh, what? (laughing) - This particular intro has made me change my mind about what I was going to do. I was going to give you an epigram by a woman. But instead, I'm going to give you a Fermi Facts. - Is it by a woman? - No. - Don't put that on us. (laughing) - Hey, I'm not putting it on all of you. I'm putting it on Freddie. Freddie's not doing Fermi Facts, so I have to silence women so that I can get our IP out there. - Which is something that our producer, a woman wants to do. - So in the Fermi Paradox, there are many different classes that want to play in the modern incarnation of it. And one of them is pilot. When you get a default ship, you have the ability to shoot projectile weaponry, like ballistic stuff, like bullets, missiles that lock on and a sonic cannon that disables ships within range. - You saw Nick Cannon, dude, where was he? (laughing) - He was probably having another fucking kid. (laughing) There are non-violent and violent options within Star Citizen. Sorry, the Fermi Paradox. (laughing) - Holy shit! - Within the Fermi Paradox, and those are available to anybody. - What an odd thing to say. - Maybe it's Horshado, who knows. - When we last left you, you were headed towards the planet Avia, the home planet of all the bird people you've been running into, because you know a couple of things. A, you know that Oliver is being held there for unknown crimes. - And which one's Oliver who's back in? - He's right, he's right. - He's right, I'm sorry. - Oh, yeah, I'm allowed to hold him. - Oh, okay. Is it named Ollie? - Well, that's why I call him, yeah. - You also know that the luxe, your former ship, along with scrap and wreckage, are heading towards Avia. - Let's write scrap and wreckage. Don't know that we're not on this ship. - Yeah, basically. - Yeah, assume you're on the ship, but in reality, the ship holds the luminous head, the sculptor, and Owl. And you did not hear the conversation that we're having. So who knows what they're gonna do. - And they can go into the big center thing now. - They could go into the spark. - But they've got a kidman's Owl to work, but Owl doesn't want to right now as far as you know. - Hang on Owl. - You're on your way to Avia. - What's our ship calling that would be up? - It is basically a drop ship and IBS drop ship, kind of like one of the ships from Aliens. - So it's a little cramped, no carpet. - We should call it D-Pop. - D-Pop? - D-Pop. - A little drop shipping joke. - Oh, it's funny. - Oh, I get it. It's called New Poly. It's named after a, doesn't matter. - Herb, what can he tell us about your grand kid? What kind of hard candy is does he like? - Hard candy, son. Oh, he's always been a big starburst fan. I know that he's not like, they're not hard. Unless-- - Yeah, I just keep them-- - Yeah, if they, when they get trapped between the space of your driver's seat and the center console, then they get hot. So that's his favorite hard candy. 'Cause sometimes I clean up my car, I offer them up and he says, thanks, grandpa. - That's nice. - Yeah, and you remind me to take my pills and he kind of looked out for me, which is, I know it should be the other way around, but he's real kind and he's real smart, obviously. And he loves movies and music and yeah. - Herb, question, have you taken your pills? - I don't have any pills out here, you know what I am. - Okay, seems like-- - Hey, IBS guy. - Yeah. - What's your name, by the way? - My name is Mortavus Alexar, but I go by John now. You will call me John and I'll refer to myself as John. This has always been my name. Well, it's my new name, and this is not a pickup, and you can find out why I go by John on our Patreon. - Johnny Boy. - Yeah. - John. - Well, what is your drug manufacturing capabilities? - Like me personally, I don't-- - In general, your organization. I mean, Herb here might-- - Yeah, let's say, the way that my brain works is that, so imagine you have a bomb, and it's with you at all times. And at any given time, there's a 20% chance that it goes off, and it ruins your entire life, but kind of gradually over the course of weeks or months, and you could take a pill, and it would make the bomb wet all the time and not able to go off, or something like that. But the bomb is still there, and I guess technically it still could go off, but it's real hard to go off once wet. And so that's what the pills are for me. So it's like, I can be fine without them for a long time, until the bomb goes off, and then I roll my life. And so that's kind of how they work. - We gotta be on the lookout for pills that'll make your bomb wet. - Yeah. - We gotta wet your bomb, is what you're saying. - You gotta wet my bomb, man. And then it's safer for everybody that way, you know? - I have the capacity to get meds and stuff from an official IDS. - But no carpets. - Wait, you could get us meds this whole time. - You could stay right there. - I've known you for like an hour. - I think like 45 pills for a hip pain. - Okay, but I'm writing down medication. - Okay, great. We can do it, but I'll have to do a detour, and that'll add another year onto the end of this. - A year. - No. - This is so clear. I have this sort of a pharmacy on the birth planet on Avia. - Avia is specifically independent of IBS, luminous, any of those people. I imagine they might have a pharmacy, but I don't know if any of their pills will be compatible with humans. - Bird pills, I see. - Okay, well here's my prescriptions. - What? - You have them. - Wait, wait, wait. Oliver has the same thing I have, right? - Yeah. - So he's clearly dealt with it, and so he'll. - Hold there, you go. We just gotta find Ollie, and we gotta have other, we can sort the situation out. That sounds like he was being held when we left. So 10 years later, he probably won't have any of his medication left unless Avia has been taking care of him and giving it to him. - Well, it's been 10 years, so you know what? - What? - That's happened. - I'm just saying, be ready for, you know. - I think everybody can give John here your prescriptions. Now you know this is something we need. So be on it. Just be ready. - I don't. - I'm not your assistant. I'm here to make sure you don't do anything. Fuck, I'm your chef. That's why I have a gun. - Yeah. - Yeah. - You're in our assistant. - 800 milligrams of lithium carbonate. - Every, you know, six hours or so. Yeah, like, you're gonna die. - Every six hours, we've been on this adventure for a while. So that's a lot of bombs that I haven't gone off. I assume. - Yeah. - Also, that seems like those two things you said are elements. That should be pretty easy to make. - Elements are generally known for not being makeable. - But it's not so easy to find on it. - Okay. So you see a blinking light on the dashboard and John goes, oh, yeah, hit the upala. There might be something we could listen to. - What? - Like music? - No, the upala, hit the upala. - Okay. - What's the upala? - Not much, what's up with you? - That's not even, that's not funny, John. - John, what? - John, I could, John, I put a fist out for John. - Well, it was taking a while. - John, no, this is fist out. - I know, John, no, this guy was a funny dude. - Well, it's leaving the room. - Well, leaving the room. - Well, it's still that shit. - I don't know, he's screaming into it. - He's screaming, I'll tell him. - You guys didn't see that one coming. - Yeah, guys. - I said you followed like three or four times. - John, that was good. - Oh, we'll close the lap then. - Not that it matters. It came from my brain. - You can't turn this machine off. - All right, John, that's pretty good. Well, keep going on. - So it looks like there was somebody that, before we left was trying to send an audio file. - Oh, sure, yeah. - I have found it now. If you wanna hear. - TV. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I just wanna say one thing. - Yeah. - Was I, I'm gonna remember that. - Oh, yeah. - When you least expect it. - Like a telltale game. - You're gonna, you're gonna dumb guy. - You're gonna dumb, Ralph, that doesn't make any sense. - I look forward to you repost whenever that comes. - I look forward to stinky butt. - What? - Guys, he got me. - Well, whatever I said about the lithium carbonate, double. (laughing) - So here's an audio file, I will play. It sounds like it is like one end of a conversation. - How did you listen to this before we listen to it? - I didn't. - Did how could you say it sounds like one end of a conversation? - Because some of the audio is really loud and some of it is really quiet. Like, somebody's far away from the mic. - Oh, really? - I tried to really loud. - Get it up, yeah, get it. 'Cause you know. - Oh yeah, I could try to equalize as best I can. - Oh, I don't, equalize just turn it up. - Actually, I don't have any experience with like tech stuff. Does one of you wanna try? - I run the Twitch stream, I'll do it. First, you gotta open OBS. - All right, go ahead and roll for OBS. Gadgets are tech or something. - First, you gotta open OBS. I did a little series on how to use OBS for some of us older folks, you know? Who wanna get into streaming? And the way I told people about how to do it. - Roll the fucking dice. - Is he go first, you gotta open OBS. Then you gotta route your inputs and your outputs and your sound files. - But that was you? - That's me. - Yeah. - What a toktapper. - And then here's the crazy thing. - I've had that one stuck in my head for weeks. - The 40 minute video, because a lot of people have a, I have to go through all the possible audio outputs that there are. Maybe it's built in. If you ever got a VR headset, there's a whole set of virtual outputs that you don't wanna use. - I like the bridge personally. - I clicked on the video, 'cause I thought I was gonna help me with my pp, you know, like the stream. - Oh, the stream guide, yes. I can see how that can be a little bit confusing. - Yeah, I was, this one I got into the video, man. - You pissed that thing. - No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I was pissed off, but not pissing. - So 12 is not gonna do it. - Okay, sorry, it looks like we're just gonna get the one. - You don't wanna be S out here? - No, we're the IBS. - These people are more backwards than I had in the video. - I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna turn up the volume as loud as I can while I was with it. - Yeah, it's smart, it's smart. - Okay, so you here, I wonder if there's a fun way to do this. - I was thinking if I called you and walked into another room, and then like did it through my phone. - We could try that. - We could hear half. - I was supposed to only be able to hear half the conversation. - Yeah, I'll do half of it like this and then half of it like this and see if you can make out what's what. - No. - Okay, call me. - So let me convince you. - My mind's made up. I'm not helping you. - Humans change their mind when they're getting information. - I promised I would help those grandfather see their grandchildren. I want to ensure their safety before anything else. I need to see them in person. Which grandchild is closer right now? - What does that have to do? - Which planet is closest? I'm setting a course. And you can convince me on the way to Elliott. Once I confirm the grandchildren are safe, I will take you to this park. I promise. It's Al and the sculptor sculptor who was on that phone call. Well, it sounded like our good friend, Al and you, it sounds like once he sees that we're alive, he's going to take them to the spark, which is a big problem. So if we save our grandchildren and where was this audio file, the audio file sounds like it was taken within the lux and sent to you remotely in the previous episode when Freddie kept rolling ones on his perception checks. That was Al trying to communicate with him. Yeah, I must say you would have been able to interact in that conversation until Al tried to see that. Oh, that's all those red circle notifications are an outsmart, outsmart. He's very smart. So just because he's saying he's going to help like he could be playing a game against the sculptor. Like he may be trying to help us. Maybe he's might guiding us to our grandkids. I mean, we just let him kill a guy. I think if I know anything about Al, I don't think he's going to give them the way to the spark is my point. Yeah. I wasn't seeing my gal. The way he's weighing that morality. I don't think he's like, well, two grandkids is worth like the choice for the whole world. Real history or perception, 13 plus zero, 13. So with 13, you remember that Al said that the trial was still going on that your attempts to influence him via pathos ethos or logos were still active and that it was basically his turn. And as far as you know, that hasn't necessarily changed. Now killing somebody made him feel really, really, really, really bad. So that's definitely, you know, done something to his pathos resistance. Well, I mean, he know he agreed to help us. He said he was like, I'm going to, right, but now he's with a very persuasive person who might convince him otherwise. Okay. That's cool. Of course persuasive. He's got like a bazillion people in him. Yes. Yeah. Just so you know, that is still on the table. It's not for sure that he's even telling the truth about his crazy about that guy. What? He probably got the best comebacks out of any because one version of him is probably taking the shower at any given point. So when he says something to me, he's in the shower. He's thinking of the comeback right there. That alone isn't meant enough to like convince me to join a woman. I you know, so many times I'm like, I should have said something different. All right. Is there anything anybody else like to do before you get to Avia? Yeah. I think it's pretty easy to over prepare. So yeah. I just want to see all of them. I'm going to sit back in the chair, kind of watch the stars. You see any you're recognize? Nah. They all look beautiful. Isn't it weird that technically, you know, back on earth, whenever we like went to the beach or whatever at night or like stood on a balcony, we were looking at these same stars just from a different place though. And from a long time ago because the way the light travels. Yeah, it's actually not that. Yeah. As crazy thing after all of this, we never landed on the moon. You all share more or less the same thought as you break through the atmosphere of Avia. As the orange sky fills your vision as silver clouds dance above cold flame forests. All you think is finally a fucking planet. When you land, you see a small aviara holding a clipboard who seems to you. Yeah. Describe please. A few to describe bird person bird person as house of small small. He's up to your waist. Okay. So I'm still big for birds bird person. However, you make bird bounty hunters. Yeah. But I want to ask you because you say bird person, but there's a very key word here, holding how holding with wing or with talent with wing. Delightful. So he is waiting for you patiently by the landing pad and the door of the ship opens and he sort of bows a little bit his head. And he says, return the bow. Return the bow. Oh, yeah. No, we way bow. No, thank you. Yeah. The name is criminals. He says one more time. The name is scrimbles. He says extending a wing. Oh, yeah, scrimbles it. Herb. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Oh, uh, herb. Yes, yeah, you have a great deal to do right now. It's true. Also, the name scrimbles was sent to us by Perps Percival. Thank you, Perps Percival. I almost used that as the name. We have eagerly awaited you and we have very eagerly reverted. Uh, I don't know what that means. Yeah, careful. Why? Well, I just, it seems like whenever I make, you know, well, comments like that people get mad. So I just, you know, I have no problem with that my whole life. Wow. Well, I guess you just can pull it off then, I guess. So play on. All right. We have eagerly awaited you and we have very bad news regarding your, your grandchild. He says point at herb. You still live, right? Oh, yes. Very much so 10 years older than probably when you left. But yes, he is still alive. He has been spending 10 years in prison. Everyone really understands that dynamics of time dilation and light speed travel in the universe. So don't normal us say that he spent 10 years in prison. Well, holding you would probably refer to as a prison, but he has been in holding for, yes, correct 10 years. For what? Let him out. Like 10 years. Well, incidentally, you may be able to do that. It is entirely on your shoulders. What? So he's been in jail for 10 years. Yes. I wanted to explain. Unconvicted of a crime. Allow me to explain. And he turns on his heel and starts walking towards a tall building. Hey, I think I know what he's trying to say. I go up next to him. I'd say it's all on our shoulders, huh? And I hand him half of our money. And he goes, oh, no, not, not, not in that respect. Okay. And I hand him all over. Thank you. And he pockets it. Where? He's a bird. He's wearing clothes, bird with clothes. Oh, Anthony, come on. Anthony, we're going to a building. I don't think we're on the same thing. That's you gave me a gift. I appreciate it. What did he do? What did you give him? He gave me all the money in his pocket. That was all our money. We have no money now. I made a real mistake. Boy, I'm sorry. Well, you're right. You know what? You're right. I should give you a gift in return. And he plugs a feather from his scalp and enhance it to you. And he goes, this is a feather from my scalp. It includes all my DNA in case you ever wanted to clone me or talk to a clone of me. Is this like a cultural thing on your planet? Or are you just a weird guy? Who does this? I'm a little weird. I should have brought a gift. I didn't think to bring a gift, but this was the first. I assumed it would be interesting to you. I have a gift for you. And I hand him back the feather. See in our planet. Yeah, we do. But you're on this planet. And this planet we have, no, takes the backsees, which means I am legally forbidden from taking backseeing my own feather. So the exchange is now done. I thank you so much for all of your money. I hope you've honestly arranged that to my feather. I thought oftentimes on new planets and islands you can often kind of make. One more thing. I pull hair off of my head. Yeah, do pull from your pubes, you this little fucker doesn't deserve anything. And I say, I know you can't do giftsy backsees, but this is the sort of a feather from my head. And now I'm going to exchange that with you. And you can exchange us different money, but of the same value that we gave you. And that way both cultural customs are satisfied. Go ahead and roll persuasion. Holy shit. Fucking damn it. I got an eight. Every time I roll, I'm like, I got a plus six. This is going to go great. You got a two plus six dude. Damn it. It goes, oh, no, I'm sorry. I couldn't possibly accept such an incredible gift. But maybe there'll be time for gifts afterward. Who knows? Who knows what's about to happen? I do your place later. Do you know what's about to happen? Well, you see the future. No, I don't know for sure. I just have a feeling you will agree to it, but maybe not. I can be wrong. I just I cannot accept that you would keep someone, whatever the cons you have in this until proven guilty on this planet. Well, we have something a little bit different. He says is he leads you towards a tall building. How are you getting in? We're walking on a fucking bird planet, Matt. We're walking. We're going to live on our planet too. We walk here. They don't run it. You see in this sky around you, there are a bunch of fucking zelda ass like floating islands and like, you know, hovering bars and all that kind of stuff. It almost looks like floating islands and hovering bars just like in Zelda. Yeah. Just look at Zelda. You get the feeling that this entire area, and especially as you get closer to the building, and you see, oh, it's just made out of like human looking glass and not even playing glass, it looks like a damn sanctuary for humans. Yeah. Basically, you get the feeling of this was made specifically for you to create something that you were used to. Oh, interesting. You can tell by the awkward way that he's walking around that he is not left this planet for a life where he's truly trying. Interesting things to pick up. So as you enter the building, your perhaps disappointed to notice as the fragrant, sweet air of the outdoors is replaced with stale, circulated, familiar air conditioning. Finally, I can breathe. A lot about this building is familiar. There's wood paneled walls. There's linoleum floors. There's shitty fluorescence. You feel like you're reporting for jury duty. You're reporting for jury duty. Scramble says we do not feel like we have the right to enact significant punishment beyond the holding of Oliver, which is not from himself. That is literally a punishment on our planet. It's old time for 10 years. Yes, it is definitely a punishment that hopefully when you hear about the crime, you will agree that it was at least fair until we could get him a trial, which you will be the jury for again. We can't not guilty. There I did it. Well, not quite that simple. See, we don't believe that we have the right to enact the kind of punishments that your grandson is potentially on the hook for. Those being death, life imprisonment, complete wipe of memory or partial wipe of offending incident. And in order to make that kind of judgment, we would need people from his home planet. Ideally, people that knew him had shared similar morals. So the fact that you have come here is a a great help to us. And it will be a great help to Oliver, depending on how you decide to go. Your grandson is a pilot for the IBS, as I'm sure you know, he is potentially responsible for the deaths of several AVR and many other non-AVRA species. Well, I'm sure he's a misunderstanding of something. Well, he was acquitted by the IBS. You know what happened to me once was that this guy with only one arm, he killed my wife and then it's our idea for a long time. I'm so sorry to hear that. No, I mean, she was my fourth wife. It wasn't, you know, not that big a deal then, I guess. Anyway, your grandson was acquitted by the IBS for presumably obvious reasons in being an ace pilot, but he is yet to face a truly impartial jury. And as someone who is killed members of our species, we feel he deserves an impartial jury without a conflict of interest. So you are that jury. We don't have a conflict of interest. Yeah, kind of. You're not about to. You will hear the facts of the case and independent of your connection to Oliver. You will determine his fate. Only humans with a similar sense of justice to Oliver could possibly sit in judgment of him. Now you asked, how can you be impartial? Simple. You will not know who you're judging. He has been placed within a holographic diving suit that completely obscures all of his features. But we know it's simple. We know it's him. But you know, we're old and bold people. We forget. We forget all the time. You're scams, I see. You're all just little scams. Says the man who took all my money. He says, the man who received your gifts. Yes, I understand how weird what I'm saying is sounds right now. But no, if you consent to this process, you will not know who you are judging and you will see if only the plain facts of the case completely devoid of any spin or any undue context. If you consent, you will all have your short-term memories removed. You will awaken within the courtroom with no memory of how you got there or whom you were judging. And this is the only fair way to ensure a punishment for your grandson taking your morals, but extracting the context of you knowing who he is. If you refuse, we will have no choice but hold him indefinitely. Ralph is pacing back and forth and scratching his head. He says, "Boys, I've spent a lot of time thinking about what the ins and outs of a sort of galactic justice system might look like in terms of how it would play out in a science fiction environment. And I got to say this is pretty airtight. This is pretty good. I never thought that maybe this is pretty, they've really done their homework here. I trust myself to judge fairly. I trust myself too. And I trust myself to know that probably Oliver then do anything that was a big deal. What if he did? What if we go in there and then we like throw the book at him? I don't think I will. Hey, you're saying we're going to lose our short-term memory after this? Yes. No, but we're going to have just a joke. That's a joke. That was a very good phrase. I beg you. If that's the only option. If we rule not guilty and then Oliver gets to go, yes, and then the problem's solved. How many feathers is there worth? Huh? None. That's just sort of the way. Compensation from the state. Well, you will get compensation in the form of lunch. You will be determining both guilt or innocence and the punishment of the options I just gave you. So that's only if you can send to this. You need not consent to this, but we will probably hold him indefinitely until we can find a different group of humans to judge us. How has he been doing for 10 years? Oh, not well. Oh, yeah, I think we should do this. You do understand that the punishment for a crime is often to hold someone against their will. Yes, I do understand. You held him against his will before you judged him of a crime for a large chunk of his life. We have jailed it. Where's the ethics in that? We have imprisoned him for a lesser charge of which the punishment is up to 60 years in prison. The charge of potentially killing members of our species. What? The charge of potentially killing because again, you get to decide whether he's guilty or not of that. But if he's not guilty, then it will have been you will have been wrongfully imprisoned. No, he's definitely guilty of the lesser charge. What was the lesser charge? Parking tickets of vading arrest. That's the same. That's like a real vading arrest if you're a founder and I retract with a compliment I gave on your. I have two so same problems all over gentlemen. Obviously, whatever you want to do her, I'm down. I'll do whatever you want to do. I just have two questions. First off, I guess this one's not as important, which is I guess, you know, time served. Like if he did get a punishment, like if it was like, oh, he's got to serve 20 years of being the 10 years counts towards that, right? Yes. Okay. And then number two, I get that we won't have any memory while we're judging. I'm not saying I'm not accusing you guys of being unfair, but you know, you've given us a little, at least from our perspective, culturally, we may not find this justice system fair. That's just a difference of opinion. Well, this is technically your justice system. Well, we don't do this, but yes, but after we're done, we get to see what we said. Yes. Okay. And you remember this conversation. Trust, but verify. I want to know what we said and what, you know, because you've actually been recorded since we entered this building and all of this footage of us having this conversation will also be available to use. You can have the full understanding of the context leading up to your decision or high future us. I have to believe that, you know, like I would be a fair and compassionate juror could I have a moment to confer with my take as much time as you need. Well, this would be recorded. Can I have a moment to confer in a non-recorded room with my friends at private? Are you good at that? Yeah. Okay. Let's go. The ultimate non-recorded room. There's what I think. Yes. Oh, wait. This is a vlog camera. God damn it. You beat me to it. That's got that's got to be a granddad. That is that is definitely an inspiration, right? For sure. I roll the 13 perception. You guys want to do a perception to see? No, it's fine. I was literally just going to make that joke. Oh, okay. All right, so let's turn our backs to the flocking right. There's a little movie called Momento. We're in and you heard maybe he's just a film guy. He might know this. The main guy. I'm sure you're memory loss. So what does he do? He writes something on his body that'll help him. So I say, and then I pull out my old man, Swiss Army knife. One of us has to get all over is the criminal carved into our skin. All over. All over is the one on trial. We just have a lot of words. We sneak the message in on us and then that way we know I'm done with this system. Frankly, I think the idea of 10 years pre-trial to confinement is this is a moral outrage. And just you know, her, I'm sure your boy is a good boy and I want to help him out. All right, let's try it. All right. Who's going to get you can get it to me if you want. I pull my shirt off. I mean, I got a lot of sticking pokes. I mean, you say it's not big by. Oh, look at these. These are great. They're a lot of coral and then, you know, I've been ripped up a bit. What does this QR code go? That's crazy. You got a QR code tattooed. Yeah, I never was like a window. I've never been able to figure out how to use it. I got it. I really don't know what it goes. What's with this one says golden palace dot com. Why did you get this one? I don't know. They offered it. Make it as sure as possible. Just put like alley on trial. Okay. All right. Here we go. And I am going to try to carve into his skin alley on trial. Yeah. I guess we're constitution. I don't know. What do you think is the most likely for us to find it? Put it on his leg so that his leg will bleed and we'll see a little bit of blood underneath his pants and we'll be like, what the fuck is going on? And then he'll take off his pants and then we'll see it alley on trial. Alley on trial. All right. Here we can do my thigh if you want. Now, definitely hurt more than the other options, but I think you're right. I think that's the best option. All right. Well, I'm going to do it just south of this fun crab. You got tattooed here with the sunglasses. Look at the margarita. I take off my pants and my underwear. Open up. You open up. I mean, open up my legs. I can get my thigh. I will say, you know, if you want to do the dinghy. It's very clever. It's very good. Hey, it was funny for the first 10 years and I regret it a little bit, but you know, it's a conversation starter. That's starter. Is that the first time you've hung up? Holy shit. Good catch. Wow. You got an inspiration too. All right. I'm going to try to carve alley on trial and do his leg underneath the fun crab with sunglasses and margarita. I think you just probably do medicine. The skill of your medicine check will determine how much HP damage he takes and the cleanliness of the cuts. Okay, I almost got a natural 20. Three. Okay. So it's garbage. It doesn't look like any letters. And he's bleeding a lot more than you would hope. You just do the HP damage. Go ahead and give me 2d6. How much you heard me? All right. And 8 HP. Okay. It is readable if you clean the blood away, but right now it's just bleeding. Oh, dear. Oh, boy. Oh, geez. So we have anything we have painted this up with underwear. And I put my tight underwear on. You roll medicine, Dale. 10. 10 is going to staunch the bleeding for now, but it will continue to bleed later, which incidentally is what you want. Yeah. Okay. Great. All right. Um, we're off that really hurt. It's for our friend. No, I know. I know. Look, I'm a writer, but I'm not, I don't know, a flush carfer. That's not my, that's not my trade. We're like getting a fish. We're like cutting a fish and song bread next time. You know, like smooth. Well, look at this blade, when it's time to sharpen it. I figured it out. It's fair. It hurt. That's your truth on your truth. All right. Speaking of owning our truth, let's go lie. Go lie. So you head back into the room and scrimbles is there, templing his fingers. He goes, have you made a decision? Sorry. He's templing his wing tips. It's over here. Holy shit. No, one of his feathers, the end feathers. Like there's one thing they have little fingers hiding in them. That's awful. Fingers hiding in them. That's can end, but it's awful. They call them their wingers. Yeah. No, He's calling his fingers. my little wingers. - Grimble wingers. - I was trying to call them squirples. He's the only one with these. (laughing) - And so they call him scrimbles? 'Cause they don't know what figures are, they call them like, "Hey, that one's gotta move." - They know what figures are, they know they're okay. - We're the squirbles, you got there. - That's why chicken fingers are a thing. - Chicken figures? - Yeah, like we know that chickens have fingers, so we eat 'em. But like if they were wingers, we would call a chicken wingers and we'd be uncomfortable. - No fingers, no chicken fingers. - So he's sampling his appendages as you come in and he goes, "Have, has the decision been reached?" - Yeah. - Dales limp. - We are consent to being a part of your trial system. - Actually, you make a good point, Fredry, unfortunately. Give me a persuasion or a deception role, Dale. - Oh, my age is catching up with me. (laughing) - Actually, 'cause you're old, do it with advantage. 'Cause yeah, that would track. - Yeah. - 16 plus one. That's even before my advantage about the fucker. - Natural 20. - Yeah, okay. - So I got 16 in a 20. - They definitely do not see it. - I'm like, "Will you want to?" (laughing) - You hit the ground, you do a role with that. - Why do you look like a wheeze? - Scribbles is like, "Oh, bye!" - It starts clapping, so it's like, "Hey, is that where you're up one on the ground?" (laughing) - That is with my undying appreciation. That was such a delightful entertainment. How come it was something entertaining to do after you get out of the jury? - Oh, great. - You know what would be great would be very entertaining was if you left our money in a fun place for us to find. - Ooh, like a little game. - A little scavenger hunt, yeah. - That's fun. - And then it was in our pocket the whole time. - And now that you know about it, it was fun. - But what? - So maybe I'll do it or maybe I won't. - Okay. - Okay. - Let's just try and do it. Now, if you would head into the preparation room, that is where you will be scanned and where you will be affected by a short-term memory gas that will basically erase the last 24 hours, perhaps? - Oh, man, we all got so close. That's so close on the drill, we told each other so many things. - I know. - You know what? It's just another chance for our rediscovery next time. - Yes, yes, yes, good. - And you'll be here. - Your shaft believe in you. - Your shaft grown in the ship isn't coming in, so he'll remember. He can remind you of it. - Yeah. - We don't like giant. - Can I use the bathroom real quick? - Okay. - Ralph goes into the bathroom and takes out his knife and writes, "Upala is updog on his car to his side." - Oh my god. - So he gets erased. - No, it's updog. - Okay. - Okay. - Okay. - Okay. - You've all peed. You've all done number ones and you don't even know what we did. - Scrimbles usher's you into a darkened room with sort of a glowy like fucking black light looking thing on one wall. It goes, "Okay, the scan will commence and then you will get your gas." You're sure you want to do this? - Let's go. - Okay. So he closes the door and the thing scans you. (snoring) - How big's my ding dong? Can you see that you needed to tell me? - I needed to tell you. (laughing) - I'll believe you, man. What did he say? I will believe you. - It just is fine. And you see basically your diagnostics in front of you like it's almost mirrored and much like the scanners at the airport, it just kind of removes your clothes. - Whoa. - And so you can see that you have a bandaged wound on your thigh and unless you didn't bandage yours, Ralph. - Oh yeah, I think I probably like put some paper towels on it. - You both see that you've been bandaged. - Yeah. - And the scan stops for a second. And you hear scrimbles go. - Would you mind just very quickly removing the bandage? I don't have to ask 'cause I could just scan. - Oh yeah, I know. - I'll just bleed out, man. - No, that's okay. - Okay, I'll just scan. - No, I'll take, I mean, it says it's bleeding a little bit. But yeah, if you need me to take it off to scan. - Yeah, we just need to make sure that you have it. - I'll take mine off. You see, we both got tattoos that say Apala is up dog. We got the same one. And you can see it right here. And that's what they say. - But Dale's is deeper, you know, so-- - Yeah, this is the doctor said he can't take it off or don't ruin the tattoo. - Yeah. - Roll deception. - There's the natural 20. - That's great. - Really? - Yeah, it's just a sort of inside joke. - Yeah, we think you weren't after this. - What, what is it, Paula? - Not much, what's up, Paula, with you. - That's delightful. - Yeah. - No, I'm gonna forget that I did this. - That's delightful. - No, why? - Well, no, you weren't. - I'm gonna say that one. - I might use that one on you when you come out to the show. - No! - No, couldn't you tell us that he did that afterwards? - I could. - As a treat, man. - You know what, that's my gift to you. - I would prefer the money. That's, I would really prefer the money back. Can we get the money back, it's that. - I understand that you would prefer that. - Yes, and I would like that. - Here comes the gas. - Okay. - Shh, you don't see it, it's invisible, but you hear that some sort of gasping pumped into this room. Much like when you get knocked out for surgery or for whatever, there's no, like, suddenly there isn't anything there. - And we only. - And you awaken and you are back in the lobby. It's like you don't remember even really going, you feel a little bit groggy and scribbles is there going, you did great, that was wonderful. - Mm-hmm. - Oh, it was wonderful. - It was over, you did it. - We must have gotten our brain shocked, man. - Oh, you, you have the right to obviously watch the video if you'd like to see what happened. - What happened, what happened, what happened, what happened. - Well, first of all, Uppala is a trick for Uppdog. - Okay. - Okay. - What? - Where are we, what is happening? - What is happening, just be given and we are now even. You know, nothing else, it doesn't matter. You're good. Go ahead and watch and he walks up to what looks like a painting, but he just presses a button on the side, turns out it was a monitor, and it plays the following. Now, listener, what you were about to hear is something that I had the dads, the grandads, record in February, and I gave them no context whatsoever. I said, hey, we're gonna record something, I might use, I might not. So everything you're about to hear up until Scrimbel's talks again is the daddy's basically recording with genuinely no idea what was happening and with no context beyond what is given in the actual clip you're going to hear. This is my attempt at trying to replicate what it's like to have your memory moved. Everything you're gonna hear is, I think probably more or less unedited, you were gonna hear what that scene was. Enjoy. - Awake, groggy. Room is bright, smells vaguely like bleach. Sour taste in your mouth. - Are we all together? - Yes. - Chlorescent lights in the ceiling, stiff carpet under your feet. You sit in an almost comfortable wooden chair. Use that is pleasant, wooden chair. - The walls are an inoffensive gray light. The room is just small enough to feel uncomfortable. - Oh. - I feel like you might be the daddy. Hello everybody. - Wait, you said that we feel like we might be at the DMV? - It's got the vibe of like a DMV. - Oh. - Oh yeah, that's right. - DMV, I must have taken the nap. At the other end of the room is a screen. - Oh, I should have got my glass. - Next to the screen is a glowing translucent holding cell. Inside the cells, what looks to be a massive misshapen diving suit with shoulders too big, arms too long and legs too thick and stubby to fit human anatomy. It's head is pointed at the floor. You do not remember how you got here. - How did I get here? - We're all here together. - Hey, we're all here. - Ben, a voice comes from a speaker in the ceiling. - Ah. - You are the jury. The defendant awaits your verdict. - The diving suit looks up at you. It's massive hands, tighten it at fists. - Love, love, for what? - The charge is causing 98 deaths and 379 injuries. - You hear the scrape of metal on metal as the diving suits fist get tighter. - Are we jury? Are we? - I think we're the jury. - You're explicitly. - Excuse me, voice. - Yes. - How come I don't remember where I was? - To remove any opportunity for bias or context manipulation. - I don't like that guy. - I go home, I don't like, my wife died in a diving suit. - Oh, you should be nullified. You should be nullified. - I believe in jury nullification. - I'm sick, I need to go home. - We're currently distrust anyone in the diving suit. That makes me blast. - I'm not trapped. - You have already consented. - Okay, okay. - We should do it. - This is a good opportunity. - This is our galactic civic duty. - Yeah, everyone's always trying to get out of jury duty, but you know what I'm saying? It's a pain, but this is the, how the system works. - Be the jury you wish you had if you ever were in a situation like that. - I don't know if I'd be in a situation of killing 93 people. - You've literally told us you killed a person. - Okay. - Computer. - So let's hold on to the chat. - I have a guy on a megaphone. - You're not a computer. - No. - Outline details of case, summarize for me. - Summary or witness testimony will not be necessary as all events were cataloged by a recording, which I will show you now. - Okay. - For context leading into recording, the defendant was in pursuit of an entity suspected of detonating a bomb aboard him. - Yes. - Where, where's the bathroom? (laughing) - You went before you came in here. - Sorry, the defendant, which is the defendant. - Pursuing a guy is the diving suit guy. - Yeah. - Okay, what's pursuing somebody? - Yeah. - An entity suspected of detonating a bomb aboard a luxury start through there. - Suspected. - Yes. - An image of the entity, which looks to your eyes like a humanoid robot, appears on the screen. The image then shifts to depict what looks to be a cockpit dash cam in pursuit of a ship. A subtitle reads, "Defendant Cockpit Recording." The fleeing ship heads toward a hexagonal space station and screams into the hangar bay, deploying its flaps at the last second and skidding across the metal floor. It crashes into another civilian ship. As the defendant's ship, the one that we're in for the dash cam, enters the hangar bay at a considerably lower velocity, the heads up display tracks and magnifies the suspected bomber as it flees the hangar into the belly of the space station. - Do you understand so far? - We're watching diving suit guys ship. He's pursuing this bomb and they went into a hangar. - The bomber ran into the space station with promenade from the hangar bay. - Ah, okay. - We hear Tinney distorted audio, thankfully subtitled with the label "Defendant." - Bomb making heading into civilian station. - A different voice subtitled and labeled control response. - Pursue. - Defendant. - Look at the size of this hangar. There's gotta be hundreds of organics in there. - Control. - Further justification for your pursuit. - Defendant. Do you ever hear the earth saying needle in a haystack? Control! "Continue pursuit on foot." Defended. "Silly phrase, easy to find a needle in a haystack." We hear the flipping of switches in an audible wine which gets higher and higher in pitch. Defended. "You just burn the haystack." The high-pitched wine reaches a fever point and suddenly, "Wong!" Pretty cool, guys. The footage goes static for a minute. The camera shakes. Through the window of the cockpit, we see several organics fall to the ground, clutching their heads. Control. "You fired your sonic concussion cannon?" Defended. "The spot will be the only one not riding in pain on the floor." The cockpit opens and footage seamlessly cuts to what a subtitle on screen labels "Defended Helmet's Camera." Control. "Sonic concussion cannons are only to be used in space. If used in an enclosed, atmospheric structure, the effect is amplified." The defendant runs the fall of the bomb maker into the heart of the space station. As the defendant takes long leaping strides across the hangar over prone people, it looks downward for a moment. The people, one humanoid, one avian, seem to be clutching their ears, which are pouring blood. Defended. The defendant runs into the space station promenade. The robot bomb maker is upright and fleeing, but the dozens of people in the robot's wake are all on the ground, bleeding from the ears, screening, and pain. Defended. "Oh, oh fuck, oh fuck." The footage cuts out. The speaker in the ceiling comes to life once again. "Please render judgment. Guilty? Not guilty for nullification." "I have got a question." "Yes." "Where did this footage come from?" "There is a cockpit camera and there is a camera mounted on to be helmet." "Okay." "And who has access to the footage once it's captured by the cameras?" "Chain, what's it called?" "Custody." "Chain of evidence." "Chain of evidence." "Chain of custody. Yeah." "The cameras do not turn off, so we have a pretty consistent track record over here." "You see everything, he does?" "You see everything, those plate things are, and from the moment this video started to us receiving the evidence, it did not seem like there had been any Tom Fulvary with the footage." "Now, I like to cross-examine this guy." "You cannot." "I feel like I know the way I'm going to vote, but you guys will know where I'm going with this." "Do we get lunch?" "You will get lunch, even if you make your verdict now." "Oh, you will get lunch no matter what." "If we do multiple days here, everything's a long time, do we get lunch?" "No, you only get one lunch." "Only one lunch?" "Yeah." "What does the defendant say?" "The defendant is not allowed to speak." "Well, but certainly he was cross-examined." "His speech is irrelevant." "Oh, does he only think that it's relevant in this court or facts?" "Somebody can lie to you, and that is bear for me." "No, I just want to know, does he deny that he shot it, or he's just saying that it was justified? That's what I'm trying to understand." "He did not enter a saying with that degree, you know?" "No, is this, and this man is some manner of law enforcement, and I take it, what, with the pursuing, and the bringing to justice." "This is the kind of context that you need to be independent of when making this decision." "Well, but, I mean, that you can't, I mean, there's, you can't." "I mean, there's, you can't." "The context of we're only going to get one lunch, so that's going to affect things. There's no, it's preposterous to see, you can't divorce things from context." "Speaking of which, I think we'd all think a little better." "If we got lunch now, if we have a little lunch now please." "Yes, lunch now please." "Okay." "Panels open up on the floor, and little tables come out with, you know, seem to be, like, TV dinner trays, but they just have different colors of, like, gloop in each of the different sections." "I got gloop, what'd you get?" "I got gloop too." "How much, how much sodium is in this?" "Enough." "Enough." "And not too much." "Oh, that's perfect." "That's perfect." "You were all medically scanned before entering the jury room." "How's it going in there?" "Yeah, am I okay?" "That is context you do not require." "Oh no." "Oh no." "Please render judgment, guilty, not guilty, or nullification." "Oh, what's nullification?" "Oh, nullification is if you believe that the charge itself is unjust." "I can't just imagine, I look out on cruise ships all the time with somebody laid up bomb, people are just having the best time on cruise ships." "What a worse place you could put up bomb." "I'm in the height of that existence." "I'm with you, Dale. I'm going to vote that the accused is guilty." "Yeah, he still killed people. That's not good." "This whole system of justice is deeply flawed. I'm very lost." "I agree." "I think the whole system is guilty." "How do I vote that?" "That would be nullification." "I can't make a choice with this lack of any information." "We don't know." "It's almost like you can't fix the system from inside the system." "Yeah, and for that matter, I find this whole thing, we've been draguned into something. Who are you? Sir, what is your name?" "You've volunteered to be a part of this process. You can send it to this." "Can I see my consent form?" "Oh, that's a good question." "I will show you your consent form, yes." "And the panel retracts the food and then brings up all the form." "Oh, good. No, come back." "The panel is not the only, it's guilty fine." "The table comes back up and this time it has forms with your signatures at the bottom." "Signatures that you recognize." "Nullifying is nice because it kind of passes the buck and then we don't have to really think about it." "And down." "And I'm just saying that's good vibes all around maybe. It's all bad vibes." "So, yes." "Don't forget Dale, you nullify, but we still come out ahead because we got lunch." "What is he being charged with? What is the charge?" "Multiple counts of manslaughter." "Oh, manslaughter." "Manslaughter." "Alternally, as part of your nullification, you could change that to a second-degree murder charge." "No, I don't want to put more on the guy because it's not all right, yeah, I feel like he's brave. He's guilty." "Yeah, I'll take it." "I have my upset as fine." "All right, time our lunch back." "Yeah, here comes the lunch." "Nice to be rewarded." "We take care of our jury." "You've rendered. "Oh, Dale." "Oh, Dale, I know what this is." "Please render punishment." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "He's going to be one of our kids." "Oh, Dale." "Life imprisonment." "Memory wipe of offending incident or total memory wipe." "Memory wipe of offentment." "Memory wipe of offentment." - Can I see him? - Yes, oh no, he's on his way out right now. You can take him. - I don't understand why the tattoo thing didn't work. - Damn, why don't you check the wound on your wound? - How often do you check your thighs while you're in a jury room? - That's such a specific question. - Why didn't we think about this before we walked in? It was a bad idea when we did it. (laughing) That's all it is. And we're just jumpstarting, we're just jumping right to seeing it was a bad idea. - Okay, we don't need to fight, you know? - No, I'm not fighting. I'm just saying it was part of my idea too. It was a bad idea. I'm frustrated with that and it worked. - No, don't say that about my friend. It was a good idea. - Okay, it was a good idea. - It just didn't work out. - It seems like it wasn't a good idea 'cause it didn't work. - Sometimes you do everything, you know, like you think you're doing the right thing and it just doesn't end up right and things go wrong. Like with all of it. - You feel like when you wanted to wipe his whole memory, that would've been pretty bad, huh? - I didn't. - No, I mean, I just, I'm just saying. - There are worse things, you know? - It does kind of seem like deep down, you feel like that's what should have happened to him though, you know? - I know, it's like, I was thinking about him. I didn't know it was him, but I was thinking, I don't something like that. Maybe it would be better to start over, you know? - Well, we have a chance. Sounds like all things considered. Oliver is coming back to you. - Yeah. - And we can't take back those 10 years, but I mean, it could've been worse. - Yeah. - And we just have to be really careful now. - We gotta get him off this planet. - Yes, can't let him be off this planet. - Well, we need to come up with a cover story so that he doesn't question things. - Yeah. - But why is he in the first place? - I have a question for our bird friend. - Yes. - Can we tell him that there is a memory and if he remembers it, his head will explode. - No. - So we can't even let him know that he was punished in this way. - Does this work just brainstorming? It seems like you understand this technology better. Obviously he's gonna be on this planet. He knows he was a pilot. - No, he will be giving a cover story as to why he was kidnapped. - Oh, so he's got a cover story of what's happened. So you guys have already done the work like, he got injured and knocked out and was in a coma or whatever. - He's already done that. - He literally exactly that, yes. He was in a coma. So can you give us that cover story? - Yeah, can you give us that cover story? So we're all on the same page. - Yeah, of course. I'll give you all the files and everything. He'll come out with them. As far as he's concerned, he is leaving the hospital having just a woken from a coma. - Okay, I'm usually pretty chill, but we are all doing homework. We are reading this cover story. You got it. - Non-stop and we are making sure we all understand it and we think it because we can let your grandson know. - This is the last we've been speaking. - Can't let me know what? - Don't, Grandpa! - Ollie! - So you see what looks to be a 50-year-old, but very handsome, like fucking silver fox ass 50-year-old. Open his arms and just run at you with a massive smile in his face. Ollie is so fucking excited to see you and he just picks you up in a hug. - I can't tell you how much I miss you. - That's a good line. Hey, thank you so much for picking me up. These only families can be me for me. I didn't know it was gonna be you. - Yeah, it's me, it's in the flesh. - Yeah, I guess it's been a while since you. Yeah, well, not that much has changed. I'm still, you know, I'm still Ollie. - Yeah, you are. - I'm still going on 50 years now without doing too many curses. I'm pretty good on that, so, you know. - 50 years, that's really something, man. - I know, how are you doing? It's only been, what, a couple of months since we last saw each other? Is it you asked for me? - Yeah, I mean, yeah, like my mind is blown. I mean, I'm really shocked at how much you've changed and how much you haven't changed. Let's get out of here. - Yeah, please. - Where do we take you? - Yeah, like, I'm sorry about your injury. - Yeah, I guess you could take me back to really any IBS base and as he says that you see scrimbles behind him, doing the like, no, no, no, like, cutting the throat gesture. - Maybe not, hi, I think we met a couple of months ago. I'm so, well, I mean, I don't really remember, but I can't explain this reminder. - I lose this reminder. - Lie, oh, okay, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, I am. - You know how you were lost, they're all lost. We gotta go get, aha, right? - Oh, okay. - So, if you wouldn't mind coming along with us right now. - I mean, you also have to stop with the SBA, okay? - And ow, and all that's still going on. And, you know, we gotta figure that out. That's another thing, right? That's another problem where we're having right now. That's pretty urgent. Like, I, I think I very much want to see my suite. - Okay. - But that is a sort of ticking clock that we need to deal with. - Rouse more locked in what we're supposed to do than I am. So I'm gonna let him explain. - So, oh, we should. - I fill him in as best I can about the situation with the war, with the spark and the situation with ow, and that we last heard that once we were dropped off on the planet, that they were gonna head towards the spark and that we need to make all do haste to stop that from happening. We need to figure out a way to stop that from happening. That's still the problem that we're having right now. - So he says, wait, so he left before you, which means he would have gotten here before you, like, by maybe months, years, I didn't think about that. We should have been touching all the people to make sure they weren't that high of mine. - Scrimbles slapped himself on the forehead with his feathers and says, I thought that might have been related, but it didn't occur to me to tell you until just now. I'm so sorry. - I have what related. - Well there was a stranger who came in about six months ago and said to let him know when you guys showed up. - But yeah, that makes sense that would be relevant to us. - And you didn't let him know though, right? - Scrimbles, that's such a fucking oversight. - I didn't personally notify him, but our security guy had, like, an alert thing set up. - So yes he is, so we're going to go. We're going to give you all of our money to send a message to not do that. - No, please keep it. Whatever you've got belongs to you. - What a nice guy. - I could never take that from you. - We need to get out of here then. So you're saying that these guy knows that we're here right now? - Yes, he is on his way as far as I know. - Okay, all right, all right. Well, although, I guess, we, I mean, this is a confrontation that we want to have at some point, right? We want to get out of here with our own terms. Is that the stranger over there at point drinking fountain? - No, I point past him. - And he turns around and looks. - Okay. - I'm going to cast side of hand and steal my money back. - Okay. (laughing) - Go ahead. - Got to get my cash. - Roll, roll side of hand? - 19. - Plus two. - Plus two? You get it all back. He doesn't notice as your hands dexterously enter his downy, downy fluff and pull out fistfuls of credits. - Fuck, Scrimbles. - All you, looks at you guys and says, well, hold on. We need to get the ship back from him, don't we? - Yeah, that's what I'm saying. - We have to get the ship, we have to get out of here. - You were hurt, and so we want to be careful. - If you guys get me a fighter jet or something, I could just shoot the ship down. - Oh no, we don't want to shoot the ship down. - We need the ship in there. - I could disable it. So there's this thing that fighters, I mean, my fighter must be here if I crashed, right? And he looks at Scrimbles. - No, it's probably crashed. - Oh, I got a poop. - It's got a sun. - Okay. - Oop. - Yeah, you go poop all the time. - No. - What? - We got two vines. - I've got it. I've got to go. - We need you to help us roll, we need you to help us poop. - We need some help. - Yeah, I'll think about the plan where you guys are in there, yeah. - No, no, we don't think about the plan. - You need my help? - Oh, sure, yeah. Yeah, whatever you need, I can, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, let's go, let's go. - What a good grandson. - Okay, I can't let him help me because I have that thing on my side. - That's right, that's right. - Oh, fuck. - But I feel like, you know what, second, I'll like, we can't let him think about, if you start thinking about the plan, if his plan is to keep the fighter pilot stuff, do we ever think about the fighter pilot stuff? - Just to clarify, Oliver can never be a fighter pilot again, essentially, right? - It's just because dangerous, I'm sorry. - It is very dangerous. Hypothetically, he could keep doing it, but if he ran away from the IBS, they would probably tell him what happened, or if he accessed the files on the IBS servers, he would probably find out what happened. - And he was just explaining to use the same sort of mechanism that he used. - Yes, also the other thing to think of is he doesn't know that kills people. So as far as he's concerned, that's still a viable strategy. If he does it, it won't fuck up his memory. He'll just do the same thing again and kill a lot of people that he shouldn't kill. - But this time, he'll get away with that. - Yeah, that's right, no one is brainwax plunk 'cause of why I remember it. - Yeah, somebody probably catch me and be like, "Hey, this is the second time you've done this." He's like, "What second time?" - What did they tell him happened? - Yeah, wait a second. - We got a file, right? - Yes. - So yeah, on the way to the bathroom, I frantically flipped through the file. - So the file basically says that he was pursuing a potential spy for the luminous and he lost a dogfight, got shot down, landed on Avia and was basically unconscious and in a coma and the next thing that he experienced was waking up in a hospital bed. - Okay. - All right, so now that I've done my business, I can think a little more clearly, sorry. That was quick, you didn't really need my help at all. - He does kegles. - Yeah, yeah, it was a false alarm and-- - He poofed too fast. - Yeah, he did. - Too fast. - I don't have that problem. So anyways, did you need help? - So anyways, I can help anybody, I'm not, you know-- - Well, I appreciate how much you're helping, but just know a lot of stuff's changed in the last 10 years, like tech-wise and flying wise, so-- - Well, yeah, I know, I've been in the world for the last 10 years. - Well, not really for the last 10 years. - But in your coma, so why don't you just follow us along? We'll try to download you on what's going on and maybe listen more than think right now. - Sure, sure. - Yeah, absolutely. - Or take it away, he's your, he's your grandson. - Take it away, yeah, um, we're gonna try to get our ship back from the womanace. - Oh, yeah, yeah, we get in mind. - Your ship, no. - 'Cause the doesn't know that I have a ship, probably. So you guys could distract him with your ship. - Didn't you crash? - You crashed. - Yeah, they had 10 years to repair it. - Oh, yeah, they repair. - We got new ships. We got new ships. - We got new ships? Oh great, I'm sure you'll be way more advanced to whatever I'm using. - They're gonna go buy a new ship. - Yeah, we're gonna buy, yeah. - We got our money back. - Yeah, it's down this shop. - Anybody roll me a deception. Or persuasion if you actually do plan on buying him a new ship. - I mean, yeah, we need a ship. - Yeah, I mean, you're sure. - You've got, you've got the drop ship. - Oh, we'll just say, that's our ship. - Yeah, we gotta do ship. - No, I'm saying for the purposes of ambushing him, I, an ace fire pilot, if I don't mind myself saying so, it gives you like a fucking Tom Cruise wink. - Chewing is gone. - Chewing is fucking gone with a pen in his hand. - Oh yeah. - Putting his sunglasses on. - Oh fuck, that's kids cool as hell. - I'd tap herb on the shoulder. - Herb. - Yeah. It pains me to say this, but I think you got to clip this kid's wings. He listens to you, he looks up to you. You got to convince him that he can never do this again. It's the only way to keep him safe. You're going to have to convince him that he can't fly, that he should never fly again. You're the only one here capable of breaking his heart that hard. But like not, you don't have to do it like right, right, right, right, right. You do need to do it right now because he needs to not fly. So I think he's been, he's been grounded. The doctors know, uh, doctors don't says you have to get, you know, don't fly. Oh, that's good. That's good. Doctors have to count. I'm not saying it punted entirely, but the more start making moves in that direction, I agree with the more lies you tell right now, the more you're going to have to explain later. That's all I'm saying. But you will follow your lead on this because this is your grandson. You know, better than anybody. But you need to convince him that he should never be a pilot ever again because it's too risky. Okay. Oliver. Yeah. Okay. Hey. Are you okay? Yeah. I'm totally fine. Did you find Matt's? No. I didn't. But I've actually been really been killed. I was worried about you though. You were so good about taking them. You know, I wasn't a problem when I was with the IBS. They gave me. I get, you know, I don't know if it counts when I'm in a coma, but yeah, no, I've stayed compliant with mine. I just, should we grab a prescription before we had that? Yeah. That'd be great. But while we're getting line or, you know, we'll go to the pharmacy or whatever. Yeah. And then, you know, speaking of the, the illness, as we say, you remember when I was a math teacher at that high school, and then I thought that the numbers were speaking to me. And I just really went off the deep end that year and it was really hard on me and my family up blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Basically the moral of that story was that I couldn't be a math teacher anymore because I, the numbers, they're always going to speak to me if I'm, if I'm a little off keel. And so I knew that I had to make that sacrifice of that part of my life to go forward. You know, you remember that? Yeah. I know what you're referring to. Yeah. Sorry. He's so smart. What I'm getting at is, um, let's get into a more urgent line. I think maybe this is, sorry, excuse me. I'm so sorry. It's just he's sorry. Sorry. He just really needs these. Uh, he thinks he was in a beautiful mind. I don't know. You're talking fast. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Well, yeah. Please, keep going. Yeah. Yeah. You need these two. No, no. They've been medicating me while I was under. So like, yeah, I'm definitely getting some too. I don't know how long the fight's going to be back to the IBS base, whichever, whichever one's nearest. About that. Yes. Okay. So when you got hurt, it was really bad, you know, it was really, really bad. And the doctor said that it would be even worse. It would almost certainly kill you to fly anymore, like a plane or a spaceship, anything. And it's just your injuries would be exacerbated by it. And it's just not a good idea. And that's why I brought up the math teacher, the detour, but they didn't, they didn't tell me that. Yeah. They, they got miles. Can we look through my fun? I mean, does it say anything in there? They thought it would be better. If you heard it from somebody that you love and who loves you because it's, it's, it's a tough. Seven. I'm going to use my advantage. Go for it. Okay. Okay. 23. Whoa. Cheesy pizza. He goes, oh my gosh. Oh no. Tough break. Well, I'm glad you're the one who broke it to him. I guess it would have been weird from a, from a doctor and a bird doctor, no less. So what, which part of it was the, the Gs? Can I not go into space again? Do I have to stay here? Like what's the, you can go into space again as long as, you know, like you're with us or whatever. There's something about the neural load of flying and the information processing and, you know, you're very, you're not smart anymore, but it was, it's, it's something to do with all of that. Yeah. Yeah. That's what it was a little bit of hype. You said, even fast cars, even, oh my gosh, and you shouldn't write motorcycles, but that's, that's separate. Yeah. I've always told you that. Yeah. No. I'm so sorry, son. I know that this is some organ donors. Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's really dark. Yeah, that's true. I know that me comparing being a math teacher for a one semester is not at all. All comparable to you being, because you were, you felt like you were, you were born to do this. Yeah. I've been doing this for 30 years. Yeah. And I, I don't want to bum you out, but I just, the reason you're here to pick me up is because I don't have any other family out here. I just sort of did the job. I was a fighter pilot full time. I sort of put my whole soul into it and it was, I was very, very good at it. I'm just, I'm just kind of now thinking like, what is there if not that? You made a very good point that I'm your only family out here. Yeah. And I think that for now, maybe family could be a thing until you find the next thing and then your thing could be finding the next thing. Yeah. You could stick with you and help you track down, uh-huh. Sounds great. Then I can keep an eye on you and know that you're not doing anything. I don't know what hurt your head. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. And I can look at you and make sure you're on your, your meds, we can sort of take each card with each other's heads. That's, yes. Two heads are better than, I don't know. Yes. I know that whether or not you're a pilot, I'm very, very proud of you. And so it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you do or what you've done or what's, um, what's ahead of you. I'm very proud of you. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, it doesn't mean as much coming from you, but I'm proud of you too. The fact that you came all the way out here and, you know, somebody of your age and I know this has been easy. Yeah. I mean, my knees and not what they're used to. Oh, yeah. Well, they have non-addicted pain pills for that here. Oh, that's great. Yeah. This place sounds great, like, you know, prescription-wise. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, I'm just going to go, I just need a second to just sort of sit by myself. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. But yeah, you know what to ask for. Yeah. I know. I know the, I know the stick. Okay. Yeah. I'm just going to be, I'm just going to be on lobby first. Yeah. I'll get your prescription too. Don't worry, man. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Thank you. Um, perception check on Ollie. You want to be a perception insight? I guess this would be insights. Oh, natural 20. Oh, 24. Oh, okay. I'm just trying to clock if he looks like he's about to do anything rowdy or impulsive. From what you can tell, it hasn't hit him yet. He is still in the accepting/denial phase of this like massive, you know, it's too big to take in all at once. Well. So he's processing. Okay. All right. Well, he's handling it better than Ashley handled his thing. So he's got that going for him. Oh, boy. Okay. I'm going to still watch him. Well, he's watching around him because we're still like in the court. Yeah. No, I also want to. Okay. So everybody real perception again. Yeah. I'm looking for like a hurt member of what happened to him. Like running out to, like, you don't know what you did. Two. I got 17. I got 17. I'm watching carefully. And I got a five. Okay. I got distracted by something herb and Ralph. You see a tentacled humanoid, like, just imagine human, but all their limbs are tentacles and their eyes in the center of their chest, you know, normal shit like that. Cool, cool, cool. So an octopus. So an octopus. Yeah. Walking in with like ink spurting out of one of its tentacles, mumbling something and you can't quite tell what it is. And it looks like it's going to try to sit down next to your boy. I swoop in and I say, hey, they're friends. Hi. It says in an overly familiar voice. Oh, no. And the eye very quickly, just for a second, shifts into the mask of the sculptor. Oh, great. And it goes back and you almost get the feeling you've been winked at. And he goes, sounds like we have a lot to talk about. He starts looking over at Ollie. [MUSIC] What's up, Michael? [MUSIC] There's a place in your mind you can go to anytime. [MUSIC] Thanks so much for listening this week. Our podcast in jokes broke containment on the, what is this thing subreddit? Someone posted a picture of the Patreon mug that just got sent out to people who pledged for three months or more of the touring deer and hire the title of the post picture on a coffee cup. It features the original drawing we did in season three to build a homemade scarecrow in the bathroom of a 50s maintenance. Donald, user, oozy, Osborne writes, "I see a can of cat food dressed up as a human. The still attached lid is a picture of a face, paperclip to it," and says cat food. But don't take their word for it, hell no more to our patreon.com/dungeonsanddads to be reminded of this particular artistic travesty. This mug, by the way, is my new go-to because it has a very bad drawing underneath it says, "This is gonna work out great!" You can get that mug, you can get a whole bunch of more stuff, bonus content, extra shows, ad free episodes and more, and support this podcast directly to [email protected]/dungeonsanddads. Thank you to Daddy's fan Pixie E.B., who identified the mystery item. "Dungeons and Dads" is Matt Arnold. His Dale Elliott, Anthony Birch, is our D.M. Will campus's Ralph Estareia. His Beth May has herbed the worm quickly, and myself Freddy Wong is Ashley Birch. Our theme song is conventional wisdom by Max and Waller, Anisa Omran, is our content producer, Ashley Bloods, our community manager, Courtney Terry's, our community coordinator, S.R.L.S. is our lead editor, and Travis Reeves, and Omar Romalino provide additional editing. Cover art and episode art by Alex Moore, shout out this week to our lead Patreon members, ambiguously green, Rachel Reesling and Cassandra English, and shout out also to Ellie Fouxa, Longshore Coffee, Joshua Johnson, Talia Parsons, Emily B., Joanna L. Perkins, Michael Schoonenberg, Melissa Martin, Scalio, Josh Heffernan, T. Aresa, Garrett Stratton, Zachary, Sarah Penschorn, Kaelin Zawaki, Toaster, Etienne Carrier, Max Friedman, and Dominic Robotaya. Support the show directly on Patreon, patreon.com/dunges and dads. Merchantmoredungesdags.com, and our next episode is going to be September 22nd, we'll see you then. [Music] That's a good YouTube video, what that's a good YouTube video, what is it's going into yoga studios and asking them about up dog, for up dog until I can get someone who's running out.