S3E34 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: Why Kids Melt Down (And What It Actually Means)

(soft music) - You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks. - Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, the kid counselor. This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast, where I give you insight, awareness, and enlightenment about your parenting and your relationship with your kids. In today's episode, we are continuing with the Parent Companion Series, and we're going to talk about something that I think is going to hopefully provide some perspective on children's behavior, childhood, consistent scenario. One of the things that is very difficult for us to understand as adults is, quote, why the child acts the way they do. Why are you screaming? Why are you crying? Why are you yelling? Why are you kicking your brother? Why are you throwing things? Why are you biting? Why are you, and what I think we fail to remember and understand is what it was like to be a child who operates exclusively out of emotions and is solely a here and now being. And when they experience something, they don't have the verbal capacity nor the cognitive capacity to make sense of it. So they're going to demonstrate what's going on for them. And it's one of the most helpful things that we can do as adults, is to recognize that behavior is communication and it's demonstrating where the child is. So I'd like to talk about how, when a child does not have an emotional vocabulary, they will show you how they're feeling. And often their attempt at showing you is maladaptive because it's over the top and it's driven by their big feelings. And so they have to, in a very big way, let you know what's going on. So let's start with the premise that kids aren't rational. We talk about that a lot. They're not cognitive, they're not verbal. So we have all of these precursors to the state in which we find ourselves, which is your kid does something randomly and you go, why did you do that? What were you thinking? You know better. We have all of these cognitive responses. And if we actually ask those questions, which many of us do, if we ask our children those questions, they go, I don't know, or they shrug, or they stare blankly back at you, which ticks us off even more because it's like, I want an answer. But that's adulthood bias. Here we are back to that. Because we're expecting our kids to be verbal. They're not. We want them to tell us they can't. We expect them to be rational. They're not. Tell me why. Know why you did that, they can't. We expect them to be cognitive. What were you thinking they weren't? And so this adulthood bias completely overrides our ability to recognize. If a child does not have an emotional vocabulary, which by the way we've talked about this, but it's worth reiterating, they're not born with an emotional vocabulary. None of us are. There are so many adults in this world that do not possess an effective emotional vocabulary. You can go your whole life with that one. That's sad but true. So a child that has not yet built an emotional vocabulary is not going to be able to get their needs met in any other way than behaviorally and emotionally. And often what that means is you get kids that are solely experiential, solely emotional. And they have no way to make sense of what's going on nor to communicate it. So outcomes the behavior. So you get tantrums and flailing and wallowing and crying and screaming and all of these things, which makes no sense to us whatsoever, because most of us hopefully by the time we're an adult, we don't respond in situations that way, at least not in public. Maybe we save that for when we're home alone. But we have this notion that you need to figure this out and stop this crap and get your stuff together. We're asking things of kids that they're not capable of. So emotional vocabulary is one of those things where it's built, it's practiced, it's learned. And it affords children the opportunity to get their needs met in more self-enhancing, effective ways. So let's walk through a scenario. You are in publics. For those of you that do not live in the southeast, that's a grocery store in the southeast. It's actually headquartered in Lakeland, which is quite close to where I live. So we are a publics hub down here. But just imagine yourself in any kind of grocery store or supermarket for those of you international people. Okay, so you're in a grocery store supermarket and it's so fascinating, I mean, not in a surprising way, in a like, wow, you're really clever way. So fascinating that they have all kinds of candy and toys and little trinkets right by where the checkout lines are. So you get ready to check out and your child is with you and they see the thing that they have to have. The candy bar, the gummies, the little matchbox car, the hot wheels car, the little fidget, the whatever. The gum, that's a big hit. Could I please have gum? All right, so there's this need to have this. And we say, no. You haven't eaten dinner yet. We didn't come here to buy toys. You have toys at home. I'm gonna give you a snack in the car. We have a rational, logical, reasonable reason for saying no. A child experiences devastation. Emotionally, experientially, I have to have this thing right now. And you've told me no and I can't handle that. I can't think about your reasons why. I can't even listen to your explanation. All I know is that I really, really want that candy bar and you've told me no and I don't know what to do with these big feelings. Their emotional, experiential beings, folks. So they're going to lose it unless they have an emotional vocabulary. So what happens is they start whining, crying, screaming, throwing themselves on the floor, kicking their legs in the little spot where the kids sit in the cart. Their legs are going back and forth, sticking out of that little holes. There's all this stuff going on. And we're embarrassed and we're like knock it off and stop it and then they get more upset 'cause now we're angry. So now it's escalating. You're getting escalated. The child's getting escalated. Does this sound familiar? You're all that this is universal. This is not a shot. If this is your life, you should just be like, wow, me and everyone else in the world. Okay, so what we've just gone through, walked ourselves through like visualizing is a child's perspective on an emotional moment without an emotional vocabulary. Because if you don't know what these big feelings are, their body's telling them, there's all kinds of stuff going on for them. So matically, fancy word for your body demonstrates the emotion that you're feeling. So you get a pit in your stomach, you get a lump in your throat, you get sweaty palms, your hands shake, your heart races, you get butterflies in your stomach, all those are somatic. So we have all of these things going on inside of us when we feel big feelings. So do kids. So there's all this stuff going on. There's adrenaline, there's dopamine, there's cortisol, chemically, there's even stuff going on. Okay, so the child's feeling all this stuff but has no clue what it is. It's just uncomfortable for them. And they don't know any other way to show you how uncomfortable they are, except emotionally and behaviorally. Now, let's flip the script here. Same exact scenario. Kid wants the candy bar, you say no. Child with an emotional vocabulary. Child with self-regulation. Experiences all those same things, but recognizes what they're feeling. My mom makes me so mad. My dad is so mean. He never lets me have the things that I want. I'm angry right now, I'm frustrated, I'm disappointed. They recognize what's going on, they identify the feeling and they can communicate it verbally. Y'all be real careful when your kid says, you're the meanest mom ever. I want that candy bar and you said no, you're so mean. That is a win all day long that that was your child's reaction to that. Because there is so much that had to go into that moment. Your child had to experience and feel that. Then they had to recognize what they were feeling. They had to be able to identify what they were feeling and then they had to be able to verbalize it so they could get their needs met. and you want to know it often. happens when a kid says something like that, they get in trouble for saying those things. Now, I'm not saying that it's an appropriate thing to say you're so mean to your mother when you're eight years old, or four years old, or whatever. I'm not saying that's appropriate. So sometimes we have to set limits on behavior, however, that's a win. Because the alternative is they throw themselves on the floor and they kick and they scream and they spit and they cry. And then you end up giving them the candy bars to save the embarrassment of everyone in the whole store staring at you, going, what the heck kind of mother are you? That's never what they're thinking, by the way. That's what we think they're thinking. But people are never looking at you going, wow, you are the worst parent ever. They're going, oh, yeah, I've been there. Yep, that's rough. Yep, I remember when my kid, oh, yeah, mine did that last week, actually. Oh, I know exactly how that person feels while that's terrible. That's what's going on because every single one of us have gone through it. Universal behavior, y'all, until they have emotional vocabulary. So when a child says, you're so mean, you never give me anything. We reflect that content. Oh, you think I mean because I said no to the candy bar. We should not be offended when a child is able to verbally express how they feel. Kids aren't verbal beings. And guess what? When we're not practiced at something, we're usually not very good at it. So when you haven't practiced finesse of speaking, when you haven't practiced finesse of expressing your needs and your feelings, when you haven't practiced the ability to think and then say something appropriate, it's going to be a little bit abrasive. It's going to be a little bit harsh. Sometimes it's probably going to have a little bit of an edge to it. This isn't easy for them. This isn't comfortable for them. They'll figure it out. You think I mean right now. There's nothing wrong with your child thinking you're mean. Do you not think your kid is mean sometimes? I'm sure you do. It's okay to think that. It's okay to feel that. But your child is expressing themselves appropriately and accurately and verbally of all things. So we kind of have to see this from a very different perspective because, again, adulthood bias gets in our way. So once a child has emotional vocabulary and they communicate and they regulate and they understand what they're feeling, they don't have to show you everything anymore. They can, number one, control themselves more appropriately. Number two, they can communicate more appropriately. This is the beauty of emotional vocabulary. So everyone always says, "How do I get my kids to stop having tantrums?" And almost always the recommendation is discipline and consequence for tantrums. Nope. Emotional vocabulary. Your child doesn't need to have tantrums if they know how they feel and they can communicate how they feel. Emotional vocabulary is the key. And that's why CCPT focuses so much on the child's expression of feelings and reflects them back to them so that they build emotional vocabulary. That is the hinge pen of self-control. How many adults do you know that do not have an emotional vocabulary and they don't control themselves well whatsoever? Adults that haven't mastered it struggle in the same way. They just don't throw themselves on the floor in the grocery store. But they negatively express their feelings in all kinds of other ways. So the goal for children and their ability to regulate is emotional vocabulary. So work on reflecting your children's feelings. When they express an emotion, say it back to them. If you're not familiar with the reflecting feeling skill, go back and listen to that episode. Actually, there's a lot of episodes in season one and two as well about reflecting feelings. Practice that skill because the more you help the child understand how they're feeling, the more they're able to self-control. So I hope that that's helpful for you all. I hope that you're able to work on reflecting feelings with your kids. And if you've already been doing it, I hope that you're seeing the evidence of it. It's always a really exciting thing when your child looks at you and says, "I'm emotion." You know that you've poured into their emotional vocabulary and then you see evidence of it. Those are very special moments. So I hope that that is encouraging to you. I love you all. Have a great week. We'll talk again soon. Bye. Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks. For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter, please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.