S3 E6: Runaway Train - The French Revolution, Part II

[music] It's story time, what the history is? When's your close? Matt O'Rea and Jen Joumance. [music] You know, that song is kind of like, that was a last-ditch effort song for a solo silent. Did you know that? I had no idea. I don't really come to solo silent. I'm not a huge solo silent fan. And to be completely honest, I'm not a big fan of the band that I'm about to tell this story about. But there's this music podcast that I love. I think I've told you about it before, no dogs in space. And they did this huge deep dive into the Twin Cities Minnesota-based band, The Replacements. And they started out as like a kind of like a 80s punk rock band, like Stuffed Way in My Wheelhouse. And they had an EP called "Stink" and "Stink" starts with a recording of the. I think it's the Minneapolis police breaking up a party. And it's like, "Oh, you guys, you gotta go home." No, you can't be here now. Come on, time to head home sort of thing. It's not a stereotype. It's true. I spent a lot of time in the Midwest. That's accurate. That's accurate. Yeah. So anyway, there's this like in the background, there's this guy like, "Hey, pig, go home." So that's a stereotype, right? That's totally a stereotype. But the rumor goes, the legend goes that the lead singer for Solos Island is that kid yelling that gets picked up on that mic for the recording that is used to intro stink. And they went on to be a band in the like greater Twin Cities area. And they just like flop after flop after flop through the 80s and 90s. And they're about to call it quits. And they write this song. And then it's just kind of like this about like just one last go, right? And it's like feeling like nothing's going your way and it like blows up. And I feel for them because it's a fine song, I don't know. But like, you'd have to play that song over and over and over again. And it's this song about like how everything's horrible and you just want to give up. And that's the song you have to play it every show for the rest of your career. I can't believe we just took a one hit wonder and made like a three minute story out of them. Yeah, well, I mean, that's what that's great. There's lots of one hit wonders from the 90s. Oh, my God, I love them. I know. Dude, there's so many like, what is your favorite one hit wonder song? Oh, from the 90s. Well, I won't go down my alternative routes because you won't know who the hell I'm talking about. But um. Bono. Really? It's eight. We can't rehash that we can't rehash that maybe jump around by House of Pain. House of Pain jump around classic. That's a classic. What about like, you know, more of those party songs like Chumbo Wamba. Oh, my God. Knocked down. Seriously, who did not love that song? Everybody loved it. It's so stupid. And I think isn't it just about drinking like getting. It's they're Australian, aren't they? So yeah, probably. Are they really? I thought they're British. Six of one half doesn't have the other. Yeah, we don't have any listeners there. Yeah, I hope we do. We love you. We love you guys. I will tell you this though. I know. But one more because like I got to go to that feminist routes is what's up by four non-blans. Come on. I don't know that one as much. Are you kidding me? That's like the female anthem of the 90s. No. Well, maybe not, but you know, I don't know. I mean, there's lots of good female songs in the 90s. That's true. That's tough. Like you got like songs by L7 and Bikini kill. We've got to start the pot. Well, how about this for a transition? You know, King Louis wasn't a hit, but he certainly makes me wonder. You have to introduce yourself. We can't just start. This is episode like 40. I know. You have to start the show. All right. Hey, everybody. This is your host, Jen Dumal, along with fellow host, Matt Barine. And you're listening to Storytime with the Histories. That's the name of our podcast. This is Storytime with the Histories. Why are you doing this to me? We've got to be better. We can't start over. We're not starting over the show. This audience is just going to have to deal with this. Seriously. I'm sorry for everything. This is Matt. This is Matt ruining the flow. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, you know who we are. You know our podcast. Let's jump into what we're discussing tonight. Shall we? Yes. So when last we left off, King Louis the 16th of France had embarked on this ill-fated journey. To try to get to Austria to link up with his father in law so that an army could be raised to retake his kingdom. Because he'd lost it because stupid people do stupid things because they're stupid. Yes, agree. All right. So on the night of June 20th, this costumed royal coterie of morons slipped away into the what should have really more accurately be called early morning. And right away things just begin to go south. See, the plan had originally called for loyal soldiers to be stationed all along the escape route. Intervene should anything go wrong. You know, arm back up. It makes a lot of sense. Well, yeah, because I mean, seriously, this is King Louis the 16th. Something's probably going to go wrong. Oh, and it most certainly does because they were delayed. The whole journey is plagued by delays almost immediately. And the plan begins to just really fall through because the timeline is completely blown. All these different checks points with all these different escort troops start to melt away as they wait hour after hour and the royal carriage never shows up. Now, here's the thing. Uh-huh. These delays, as I've heard it told anyway, occurred because the king and the queen needed to stop for snacks along the way. They got to get out. They got stretch. They got to admire the French countryside, right? So this really isn't a getaway. This is more like an excursion. This is like a, like, it's a holiday trip, right? Like, for example, in one instance, the entire meal kit was busted out tables, chairs, tablecloths, candles, the fine china silverware, all of the feasting foods that a royal might want. And then everything was cleaned, backed up, prim and proper, and repacked so that it wouldn't crease or stain or break or any of those sorts of things. And then they got back on their journey. Can you imagine? Well, now, you're a parent and I'm a parent and when your kids get hungry, it makes a journey a nightmare. So I do kind of get it from a parental perspective. Yeah, but these are people trying to get away. They have dressed up like it's like Mugato's derelict campaign from Zoolander. And they're eating like obvious like caviar and soft cheeses and drinking some panya. And they're just like, "Ooh, I am French pésons." And like, of course they're not. Like this whale-pickness idea, this is totally melted. And they did this more than once. They stopped for a whatever. Yeah, you got to get those amuse wishes. Shark cutery plate. Yes, shark cutery. Oh, fancy. Thank you. Fancy, right? So meanwhile, as they're sitting around feasting, supping and doing all the things that a king and queen are want to do, news begins to spread that the king has escaped the palace at two layers. Probably because some idiot left a note telling the revolutionary national guard what was going to happen and where they were planning to go. Never leave a note. Okay, I mean, I believe with you with this one, I'm sold. Don't do it. Why would you do that? Yeah. So the coach carrying the royals stopped at some point during the day at this town called "Saint Menahaloud." That's not how you say it. I'm absolutely sure that's not how you say it. "Saint Menahaloud." If we say it like it's French, then it's just sound "Saint Menahaloud." There's no words. "Saint Menahaloud." Where the royals were almost immediately recognized by the postmaster. This revolutionary patriot named Jean Bastisse Druet. This revolutionary guard basically recognized the king and the queen and the six passengers inside because they were obviously royalty and just the drive the point home Druet recognizes the king because he recognizes the face from the money in his pocket. You're kidding me. No. The guy is like, "I'm pretty sure that's the king." And then he reaches down, pulls a fronk out of his pocket, does one of those things where he's looking at the coin, and then he looks in the carrot. And then he looks at the coin, and then he looks in the carrot. And then he's like, "Dude, that's definitely the king." Yeah. There's no way. Come on. I've seen some of those etchings from those coins. They're not exactly what I call close. It's all about the nose. King had a recognizable nose. Give me a break. No, that's what the story says. I have seen the paintings of King Louis XVI. Not once. Have I looked at them and said, "My God, what a recognizable nose." Well, the thing is, is that the paintings always make somebody look better than they are, right? Because it's not like a photograph that you can run through filters and doctor or retake over and over again. The painting is going to be like catch this person in their best light. And so the paintings probably don't match reality as well. But it was pretty obvious when the king got out of the coach to check on the horses and do rare is this like, "Dude, that's definitely the king." If the king had stayed in the coach, maybe there's a chance, but he didn't stay in the coach. Why would he get out? Yeah. Why did he get out? Yeah, what you're trying to escape? Why the hell would you get out of the coach and go, "Hey, I'm here." I don't know, because they kept getting out to snack and stretch their legs and just do dumb things. That is true. Yeah, so Drew A. goes ahead. Knowing that the king is out on the road, he rushes down the road into Verens, and he goes to this end. And he's like, "You guys will never guess who I saw on the road." And everybody's like, "The king of France." And he's like, "How did you know?" And everybody knows that the king and the queen are making a run for it. And he's like, "Well, they're running for it right here right now." Nice. Yeah. So, like, Drew A. kind of goes back. He leads the king and the queen into Verens. And he's like, kind of sort of maybe trying to help the king and the queen. But he might be kind of sort of trying to help the national guard and the French revolution who are trying to, like, receive the king. And so, we're not quite clear like what happens. In Drew A. is where, as he says, further down the street, we found an inn where the people were still up. I took the landlord aside and said to him, "Are you a good patriot?" He replied, "You may be sure I am." Very well then, I went on. The king is at the top of the hill. He'll be passing through soon. So, quickly collect all the good citizens you know to prevent him getting away. He went off without a word. This sounds like terrible dialogue from a B-grade movie. This is the life of the king and queen of France. They are the leftover money after a Marvel movie that needs to get used before the investors take it away. So, he just made this like the Ant-Man movie. I don't know. Is that going to get us in trouble? That got us in trouble with some nerds, didn't it? Well, who cares? Ant-Man, I think that's popular with the kids. It is. But here's my question. And more about this Drew A. guy. What did he think the guy was going to respond? Are you a good patriot? Is the guy going to turn around and go, "No, I'm a huge loyalist." I mean, please. Who knows? Because the thing is, is remember, at this point in the revolution, it's not like Robes Pierre chopping everybody's heads off, violence for the sake of violence. I almost think when I look at that, are you a good patriot, could go either way? That could be, are you a good patriot? Are you going to help the king? Or are you a good patriot? Are you going to help the revolution? I don't think Drew A knows what he's doing. I think he's playing jazz. All right, fair enough. I think no matter what happens, he's going to go the way that the crowd goes. And all he knows is I got the king coming through and I got to. If I help the king and things go well, maybe I get rewarded and if things go bad, then I have to revolution and then it's okay too. Wow, nothing like a guy with conviction, huh? Or anyway. He's French. They're just lucky to surrender right away. Oh, we have literally just angered three quarters of the audience. Nice job. That's okay. I know. We don't care. Back to the story. We love the audience. That's not true. We did, did they surround the carriage, I guess is my question. Well, still believing that this supremely transparent ruse was working, the king and queen continued on down the road. In fact, there's no escorts. Their cover is fully blown. The timetable is a sunder. Right. Again, every team needs a detailed person. I cannot stress that enough, right? It's so true, I'm a big pictures person and I cannot be bothered with details. I am so grateful for the people who work with me because if it wasn't for them, I don't know what I would do. So I'm all with you on that. Yeah, frankly, I don't know how our podcast works because both of us are like that. And we just kind of fly by the seat of our pants, right? Meanwhile, Durey and his friends have easily beat this lumbering carriage to friends and they've raised this alarm and the bridge out of town is subsequently blocked by the National Guard who positioned themselves all around the towns. It seems that the only thing not traveling fast was the king. In fact, as the word the king was on the run and the preparedness of the National Guard of our friends gives us an idea of how slowly the king and queen were really moving at that time. However, it's clear that the town's people, these loyal revolutionaries, they had all conspired to surround the carriage when it would come into town and that they would trap the fleeing loyals. Okay, great. If they had not stopped for snacks, if they had not blown the timetable of leaving, if they hadn't delayed to leave a note, if they didn't do costume get uptime, if everything had gone just minimally to plan, it seemed pretty likely that they don't get trapped in for ends. However, every stupid decision and step that could be made was, and this is going to be the place where this plan breaks. Wow, this is like, what if one of those what if stories? Oh, yeah. Well, I don't think there is a what if though. I think it was just like, hmm, yeah, this tracks sort of story. It totally does. It absolutely does, yeah. I mean, when you look at this compared to like what happened at Versailles and the state's general, like what did you think was going to happen? Louis, like every single plan of his ends with this was the only outcome, not just the logical outcome, the only outcome for the plan that he hatched. He's not a detailed guy. He's an idea guy. He's a big picture. I don't even think he's an idea guy, but okay. I kind of agree with you. Yeah. So when the carriage arrives and it's unaccompanied by any of these soldiers, like we said, who may have been able to affect an escape. The horses were dead tired. The people were kind of leading this coterie of morons. They weren't going to be able to push any further down. They were going to have to stop in Verens, right? Yeah. So this escape route which had been meandering as it was, you know, when you go the wrong route because your nav app is all wrong and you do like 40 minutes in the wrong direction, then you finally realize that like, oh, we've made a mistake sort of thing. Right. That's kind of what had been going on here. So all this time had been wasted like we said. The royals, everybody shot, they're dead tired. They're not even really paying attention to the fact that they have just moved into this trap. Right. Nice. So a small armed contingent of people in the town surround the carriage and then drew a guy from the road who recognized him from the money leads the king towards the end. They're just kind of like, like with the airplane, you know, with those things, I'm doing pantomime right now on our podcasts. I don't know why I'm doing that. It's a visual medium that, right? But they lead the royal carriage to the place where this trap is going to be sprung. And this is going to be it for the royal. So it's going to be no escape from this. They just don't know it yet. Oh, good. Yeah. Intrigue. Oh, yes. The occupants of the carriage insisted they were foreigners when they got out. One woman even claimed to be a German Baroness. This, however, did not stand up to stand up to reason as one. She could not produce a passport and two. If she were truly a high born woman, like would she not be wearing German clothes instead of French clothes? She hadn't dressed the part. Weren't they trying to dress up as peasants anyway? So why in the world would your first response be, I'm German nobility? Yeah, I do not know. And then when the townspeople, when she continued to press us on, said, like, I'm a German princess, leave me alone, sort of thing. They disaid, like, where are your soldiers? There would be soldiers with you. There would be mountain guards. There would be somebody here, right? That you're lying to us, right? And the deception quickly begins to fall apart, right? Okay, so my question now becomes, does Louis and Marie try to keep selling this? Or does he, I don't know, I can't even begin to guess what he did. Well, we'll see. We'll find out. Okay. He starts, he starts again, shooting from the hip. He's just going to see what sticks, right? So upon this failed German princess, Baroness, Ruse, all of the occupants are forced out of the carriage and they're sent to the town mayor's house, where the king confessed rather quickly to the mayor, the attorney general, and do, do wears militia that he was, in fact, the escaping king. However, he also tried to tell them that he worked for the king and that he had just worked at the palace of two layers and wasn't the king. He said all three things within a matter of minutes, right? Of course he did, yeah. When they weren't buying any of the other non-king stories, he then just tried to flex big royal and expected that he and his family would be treated with kindness and respect as befitting a personage of his status. Good God, Louis, breathe a room. He's like, I'm not a king. I'm a simple, stable boy. And they're like, you're definitely the king. And he's like, I work at the palace, I change a lot of bulbs. And they're like, you're the king. And he's like, I'm the king bow down to me, right? All the while, everybody in the room's got like a knife or a gun or a hammer or some sort of this like old time you weapon like a bowling pin and they're just killing him. And he's just like, he's just grasping at every straw possible. And obviously not getting a single one. No, he's getting no traction. He's holding on to nothing. He decides he's got a surrender, right? No, first good choice he's made. Yeah, he surrenders himself. He just surrenders the codery of idiots like everybody is going to surrender and they're going to do what they can, right? So there was fear though that some of the troops and verens that had been assembled. These National Guard soldiers and this militia that Dre had ripped up were like yearning for a little bit more blood. You see, the barricades were erected before the carriage arrived in the verens. A contingent of roughly 150 French troops was cut off from the town when we're not there when the king was captured. By the time the commanding officer of those troops made his way into verens and arrived at the mayor's home, the surrender had already occurred. Dre relates a tense moment when he feared that these French soldiers who are all angered and ready for blood, right? These guys who are called the Hussars might try to maybe free the king or might try to kill the king. Because remember, nobody's really sure what anybody here is going to do. Is it going to be like, hey, Viva la revolutionary? Are we going to defend the liberty equality fraternity? Or are the French people going to bend the need to a king and a bourbon line that has been in power for almost 800 years? Do you ever just sit there and wonder? And I think this is true of the entire French revolution that nobody had a freaking clue as to what they wanted to do. Oh, absolutely. Every single action in this revolution just screams make it up as you go along. It really does. I'm like, what did you just do? Get to the situation and go, oh, flip a coin. I guess here's where we're going. Well, yeah, I think Jewish testimony again. What he gives to the court is after the, you know, the royals are arrested, kind of gives like some impression that he has no idea what he's doing. He's flip flopping all over the place. He's, you know, you know, at one point he's with the king at one point is against like, here's his or this quote. I was down below talking to the Hussars who were coming up with drawn swords and occupying the street. They numbered perhaps 150. Besides them, the street contained about 100 men, most of them armed and a great many women and a children. The officer in command of the Hussars, Monsieur de Douglas or Julia said that he was to speak to the king and to guard him. He was told that he would neither guard him nor even see him. I added that if he thought he was going to snatch the king away from us, all he would do get was death at our hands. I ran into the streets and exhorted the women to back to their houses, but to take with them stones to throw at the Hussars. If they started any trouble, all this lasted for less than half an hour. That accent really slipped into it. Dude, I don't know where you were going. It's good. I had French and then I heard French. It's good and then it's in the night. I thought I heard a little German. I don't know. It's good for you for trying. That's so many lines of testimony. That's at least 11 lines on the outline. He's like, "Hey, come in the house. Maybe you can't come in the house. Maybe we should fight the troops. Maybe we should invite the troops." He had alerted everybody that the king was here and then he's saying maybe we need to fight these troops. Then the troops are like, "No, we're definitely the revolutionary troops." He's like, "Maybe we're not." He is all over the map here. I don't think we gave Louis the 16th quite enough credit. Maybe he did understand his people really well and knew that he could take 12 hours to get ready and another 12 hours to sponsor along the French countryside. Because when he did get to Varence, nobody was going to know what the hell to do. Well, it seems perfectly clear, right? And then, do we even continue? We won't. I won't do the accent anymore. But, meantime, the commander of the National Guard had two small pieces of artillery placed at the top of the street and two others at the bottom, so that the Hussars would be between two fires. He ordered the officer commanding the detachment to make his men dismount and withdraw from the town. Instead of that, they showed signs of slipping behind the canons and seizing them. I sleeved, seized the bridal of Monsieur de Julets' horse and pushed my pistol into his chest. And I cried, "Gunners, stand too. Fire at anyone who moves. They took up their positions and held up their fuses on which the Hussars retreated. Then, after conferring together, they came in through themselves into the arms of the National Guards. Since then, they have behaved very well. Their commanding officer escaped. They made a great mistake in giving in so easily for the guns were not loaded." Okay, wait a minute. Okay. Are you confused? Yes. So, the Hussars. So was everybody in the town? The Hussars came in and said, "We're going to take Luir. We're going to kill them. Kill him." And then, this guy's like, "No." "No, we're going to take him or kill him." And they set up these guns that were loaded. Oh, whatever. Yeah. You have to just. If Luir or Marie, I would assume actually Marie, watching this whole scene, there had to have been a moment like, "How did we get captured by these people?" Oh, seriously. Or to the point, how pissed do you think she wasn't her family who married her away at 14 into this garbage country? Are you kidding? Seriously. Dude, I mean, it just makes you rethink your entire life. So pissed. I would be so pissed if you have sent away as a child and then grew up and then was like looking down the barrel of a loaded gun, contemplating my eminent demise. And this group of idiots is going to be the people who potentially do it. And then I turn and look at my husband, who I assume is trying to play that cup in ballgame where you throw the ball in the string and catch it in the cup. Yeah, exactly. And failing miserably the entire time, like, "What do you want to turn?" Like, this is just so melancholy. Yeah. It's so bad. And this is it. This is how the escape ends. They made it like 90 miles down the road over the course of two days and got captured by a group of people who seem to have no clue what they were doing. It's like a three-ring circus. I'm just saying all these clowns coming out of a car. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. That's what this feels like. Well, and I think that's very accurate. I, again, I think I also get the impression that everybody's wearing like a different uniform. So nobody knows who's in charge. And there's all these people like bumping into each other and like, "Whoa, I'm sorry, you're sorry." And then like that moment when you like figure out, again, I assume it's Marie. She seems to be the most brains of the operation. Like, wait, the guns aren't even loaded. Like, what are we still doing here? I would have loved to her to have just been like a baller and just like climbed up on one of those horses and just rode away. Seriously, she's like, "I don't even, you know what, if my kids are somewhat related to Louis, I don't even want a piece of this anymore. I'm gone." Oh, that's tough, but fair. That's a hot take, but it's a fair one. I know, but think about it. Like they get half their jeans from him. They're good at it. I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking. Unfortunately for us, this is when the goofy good times come to an end. And in part three of our series, now that this failed escape is over, the royal family await their fate. So, Tumenin next time when we conclude this story with the trial and execution of the royal family. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, see you later. Adios, goodbye.