S3 #2 - Boys and Relationships

Hey guys, it's me. I might be talking about louder than usual because my neighbours rep stairs and they're really loud and it's quite annoying so hopefully you can hear me and not them. But today we're going to talk about my last episode on this was um so this is the series where I'm like trying to repeat what I said like a few years ago from a new perspective. I'm not sure how successful that one's going to be because I can't remember what I said in any of them and don't lie listening to my podcast back and also some of the topics just like don't really want to readdress. Anyway this one is the boys and relationships one but I'm going to take this more down the route of like boys, girls, love, whatever form of love we're talking about and that takes me onto my first topic of love comes in so many different forms and I was talking about this with my friends on the weekend and we were saying like it's so nice that you can have you have like family love you have friends love you have like I don't know many different types of love but at the same time like it's okay to be like I have all these different forms of love and I'm getting love from my friends and my family and it's so such like supportive and strong and healthy love and relationships but it's also okay to admit that like you want that specific form of love that comes from being in a relationship or being settled, married, whatever that looks like engaged to a single or multiple people whatever it kind of looks like for you you're basically saying I think sometimes there's this kind of I don't know like judgment I don't know if that's right word but yeah let's just use judgment for now like there sometimes can be a judgment when people say like I want to settle down and I want to find my soul my partner but like it's okay to say that and I think for a while I've kind of pretended that I don't want a partner and I don't want to kind of like have a boyfriend and settle down because I've got so much love in all different forms that I'm like I don't necessarily need and it's like yeah okay cool it's not a need it's a want and it's okay to have one so like I think sometimes with things we're taught that like if it's not a need it's a one then it's not really like relevant but I'm like this is pretty relevant to my life like I'm ready for it for so many years of my life like I haven't been ready to settle down with someone and find someone that I want to kind of like share my life with but recently like the past kind of few months or year even like I really have been ready for that and I've stopped myself admitting that both to myself and to other people because I'm like I don't you know it doesn't kind of romantic love like shouldn't define a human being and like okay yeah I agree with that it shouldn't necessarily but it should complement someone's life and if that's what they want and they're ready for then why should we why should anyone kind of have any kind of thoughts about it and also I do believe that like that has also taught me love definitely starts with yourself like any kind of love whether that is again like the kind of friendship or family love or romantic love like it definitely does start with yourself because I think the past kind of few months and the few year few years have obviously been like very kind of transformative for me and it was only really the past two years where I fully started kind of understanding who I was and understanding what I wanted and what I liked and who I wanted to spend my time with and kind of honoring those boundaries and that they've really solidified over the past few months to let's say like six to twelve months and with that has come this like hope or I don't know if hope is the right word but let's say readiness to find a partner and I think that also like obviously love for yourself self love like evolves over time and changes over the top over time depending on like what you go through and again so it is kind of like your wants and needs when it comes to like romantic love and that's okay like you might want a specific aspect a specific kind of like trait in one human at this time and then in the future like actually know that doesn't serve me that's not what I want and that's like exciting and something I think I've learned over the past year I guess is definitely how like terrifying because it can be sad and you won't say heartbreaking but like can be difficult when things don't go to plan or like don't go as you kind of hope to expect it but also is really exciting like one of my friends had to me last year when I broke up with the guy I was seeing they were like it's you've shown yourself like what a vulnerable side that you do have and that's never come out before and they weren't wrong like I've lived my life as this like really strong like switched on independent woman that like doesn't need or doesn't care for or doesn't like one a man and isn't interested and I ran with that narrative so long that I started to believe it and then I let one person in last year and it ended so badly and it like the worst way I would ever imagine and I was distraught and they were like obviously this is shit but you've seen like you found a whole new side of yourself and in the moment I couldn't be like yep that's so true but now I look back and I'm like I think if I didn't go through that like I wouldn't have just had the I've just been seeing someone for the past few months and like that's just ended and I don't think the most recent partner would have been so kind of like gray wouldn't have been such good experience if I hadn't gone through that kind of like learning last year and something else with that kind of like horrific ending I like clung on to that person even though it ended like really kind of badly and negatively and like a form of disrespect I clung on to them because I was like this is my first like true experience of being with someone and I like it needs to work and I was like I'm gonna make it work and then I realized that like that was nothing to do with the other person like I knew that we weren't going to be together and they were a great like we both knew we weren't going to be together from the start it was always just going to be this like silly fun easy chill thing and yeah sure it went for like six months and we both got into deep but also I'm not saying as I clung on to like being with that person because I craved the like vulnerable side of myself that I found and like he bought that out in me and so it wasn't at what I learned basically what I'm trying to say is what I learned from that is it wasn't about that specific person it was about me in experiencing romantic love so it wasn't about that specific person it wasn't about me with that person it was about me and being in a romantic relationship and I say love there like that was I did not love this person for last year I don't think they're going to be listening to this podcast I love them as a friend and like yeah I love them as a friend but I wasn't in love with them and then it goes on to like the person I was with recently and I think like I compare the two and this rose recent one has been so much like healthier the communications been there like reset boundaries and we communicated that and we checked in with each other and I had very different feelings towards this person and I was talking about it with my friend on the weekend because we were talking about like have we ever been in love and like I was saying I don't think I have like a full understanding of love so I don't think I can say I have been in love and I go seeing someone at uni for probably about a year and I think they're the closest to being in love that I've ever got but I didn't know that like at the time which is interesting because I think we have this perception of like when you're in love you know and it's this feeling and it's like when you know you know but I'm like I don't know I think we've run with this narrative of like being in love looks like XYZ and that's black and white but actually like my friend was saying it's not about like this one black and white feeling it's about like the whole aspect like doing things through each other and telling each other things and being there for each other and sharing things and this just whole experience like lovers this big experience it's not just like a black and white feeling and when she said that I was like that is so interesting because the person I was most recently with I like I wouldn't say I was in love with them like it was only like five six months and I think we still probably needed time to get to know each other but I did have like a deep I felt like a deep kind of connection that I was like um this is like different to what I've had before and I was like I don't know what this is and the way she was kind of describing love as this whole experience I was like sure cool it makes sense and I think kind of across those three different experiences I've learned a lot about both like myself and being with other people and one of the things they take away from it is whilst I've never kind of officially had the label of like apart from like high school things um and that the high school things aren't really relevant but like those those three people is what I'm kind of basing my experiences from almost none of them has been like officially like a boyfriend um I've learned that like boys and relationships and labels and everything doesn't just look different for yourself and everyone else but it also looks different for yourself and like each person you're with um and I think that's been like a really eye-opening thing for myself and taking pressure off like what I'm kind of expecting and feeling and thinking because something I could do with this most recent one is I had certain like thoughts and feelings and I was able to just see them as thoughts and feelings and like let them go whereas the person I was with last year I'd have these thoughts and feelings and panic and be like oh gosh that's [BLANK_AUDIO] not within the label we've created or he might not feel the same or that's not in the label that's not in the definition of the label that someone else would think. I don't think I've described that very well, but I'm basically just trying to say that each person I've dated and been with has taught me the experience of that's where I'm not like that specific person has taught me that just like it doesn't look the same for everyone and it also your experiences don't have to like all look the same which is really free. And yeah I think like whilst endings are always sad whether it's like a bad ending or a good ending I'd say bad or good I mean kind of like maybe the reason for ending. I think however it kind of ends can always teach you something and if you look at it from that kind of whole of a law of detachment perspective which I know I keep harping on about in that like you know it's a reason a season or a lifetime and when one door closes kind of another one opens when you look at it kind of from that perspective it's like sure I'm sad and I allow myself to be sad like I've been sad about Moe's recent one but I've also been like realistic and I'm like if it's meant to be like I just I trust that it will be but that's not me saying it will be that's just me saying like if it is the universe will kind of like make it happen or me and this other person will make it happen and if it's not meant to be like cool we either become friends or we just become strangers again and like I think this time last year if I said that I would not have believed it for a second and I would have got really upset and been like how can you be with someone for like six months and learn so much about each other and be so intimate like being with someone is the most intimate form I think like when you're humans there's no there's not like a more intimate kind of level than being together and like sharing a bed and sharing those kind of sexual experiences and stuff. So yeah I think a lot of what I went through last year with this person I when it ended I just dwelled on like how have I opened myself up so much and been so vulnerable with someone for just to end like what a waste whereas with this most recent person I'm like that was so beautiful like it was an amazing few months and how lucky that I got to share that few months with this person and like no kind of regret you know I I went into it we went into it with the kind of like label of casual so maybe you could say we always knew it's going to come to an end but like do I regret that note like it's taught me so much about myself and that's kind of something I'm trying to look at as well it's like I'm I've never been a data like I think I've only ever been on one like first date yeah I've been on one first date from hinge he was the only person I've ever met off hinge and then the other exes have kind of been like natural meetings be like friends of friends or work or school or uni whatever so yeah I'm like if I went into the world of dating like it's all an experience will I go into the world of dating I don't know like I don't know that it's something that interests me I don't know if I can be bothered I think I'm ready for the first time in my life like the past few months I've definitely thought I'm ready and of the opportunity arose for me to go on like dates with new people I'd probably be like yeah fuck it why not but it's not something I want to like actively spend my time doing but that's been really interesting I think the whole the experiences from my last year and this year and then also understanding more about like boys and bromance and love and different forms and stuff from say the person I was dating at uni and the past two people has all taught me that like it is all an experience and I do have a vulnerable side that will come out with those experiences um because yeah it might seem crazy to other people but I truly just thought like I was not someone who would ever get vulnerable and I think this might be a sound ridiculous um but I think I've always wondered if like there is someone out there for me um I've always wondered if like well I'd be single forever maybe probably possibly like I'm a bit crazy I'm a bit chaotic I'm very I communicate openly and I communicate a lot and I feel very passionately and intensely and deeply and that could be really scary and like all of my friends have had like boyfriends with the label boyfriends and I've never had like the label and I've been through some chaotic experiences and I just think I was like you know what maybe I'm meant to be single forever and like have those words come out my mouth before yeah sure in a like sad feel sorry for me way no like a genuine question like is this the way it's going to be and like look I don't know I don't have the answer that I sure as hell hope not like I really hope I find my person um but yeah I think what I'm trying to say is the experience I've been through in the past kind of like two years and at uni and understanding different forms of love and allowing myself to say that like I'm ready for love in in the romantic form not just the family and friend form um has allowed my vulnerable side to really come out and I really own that vulnerable side and actually like something I set myself this year was a challenge of so a New Year's resolution whatever you want to call it was to give and receive love in all forms more regularly and that literally was as simple as like giving my friends a hug and like holding hands with my friends and that genuinely like terrified me and I still get a bit weirded out when someone comes to give me a hug I'm like oh it's an over me um and if I get like too close to someone I'm like oh run away um but the like experiences with boys has helped me open up that side with friends and family now I'm like yeah give me a hug let me hold your hand let's cuddle um in my other relationships I mean like friends and family there um so that's been really cool I'm really interesting because I think there's a lot of narrative about like how once you find yourself and you love yourself and you get good friends and family and love that support system then your romantic love will like blossom and bloom whereas for me it's been like I've had that kind of self-love journey and I've had um sorry I've had the self-love journey and I've had good friends and family but it wasn't until I had romantic love that I then could go back and give my friends and family more love if that makes sense um so I could get a different kind of like a different journey um but it's already been 60 minutes and I feel like I've just rambled a lot about like love and romance myself um so I'm probably gonna wrap this one up because we don't really have too much else to say on it um so short and sweet but thank you for listening