On mietti nyt kala on nea. Miten siitä? Ja miten suullenna pani hyvin. Mä oikki meillä on samatkamat ja samat luvat. Ja vaapu va joa samaa veteen. Ehkä nämä kalaat marraismua. Ei kätoisin päin. Mistä ne tietää kuka on toisessa päässä? Onko mä niin ilmeinen? Älä mietti liikaa. Helpomitehty kuin sanottu. Motonens! Motonens! Hii, on Yuishu. Ja mä on Julie Kraftczyk. Tämä on kautta kautta ja miettiin. Tämä on tosi kautta ja miettiin. Kun on kautta. Helhoi, kautta. Tämä on kautta. Tämä on kautta. Ja mä oon kautta. Tämä on kautta. Kautta. Tämä on kautta. Tämä on kautta. Tämä on kautta. Mutta tämän on kautta. Tämä on kautta. Ja mä oon kautta. Tämä on kautta. Ja mä oon kautta. Ja mä oon kautta. Ja mä oon kautta. Ja mä oon kautta. Ja mä oon kautta. Ja mä oon kautta. Ja mä oon kautta. Ja mä oon kautta. mutta tuned tämäsizedjsilme tekee sinä kärkiä ja Спisteliseen gseikaillaan eителään puheen jak additionalta sis气duzolleen pilon muottietkoахalatikaiset asiat valtia katun oppia niin ei ole juchsal favoritein
dimuis esitteltä Letsa EnASON ol Otherwise se on tietysti, että se oli joku suosiaan. Ei joku suosiaan kärkiä ja se oli joku suosiaan, mutta se on tietysti suosiaan, mutta se on tietysti joa kärkiä. ja se on tietysti joku suosiaan joku suosiaan, mutta se on tietysti joku suosiaan, mutta se on tietysti joa kärkiä. jos olen haluamistaisen s法ua, doen kurskut Zero raivammista ja se lajua somereina se mouna Stay Me Av posters haines kienen hän rWherek
はは�。 Eri katsoi něksin신 himät ja mennä kä Edinburghpät nämä aiutumassa lentää juota showing ätämä pitääy tähän ja me Supremevien потерiaiteen veces, joilla noin putyltu restart他的 intended pitää ollahehe s kuin tuolla tull publicseellenikesinen saamme ylemä間an kiiteli oglissua Pingi, ehkä niin voidaan. Ja te Suppose minuren pupeli sanottis olla Sentsem Dus verran Serjoinnikseen. Tässä on takaisin tosi hihlistoa - tänne às Hasan about bibpäärillä. Motivanna marvelousisin on,kin sanoin, hыmmin rejoi kvoirtaan ja minun joka - että kun pitää näet Totra planesi miten fareulta kaikille. Olen tässä bien耐ä armasекentelmiä. Olemme osa aimin sukaan mainottiin. produce Sebastian Sloveniti itse eten vaigaexplosionдуossa niitä. -He was so aligned. I'm not marrying this guy, but he knew my whole story. He had listened to me talk about it and he was like, "I want you to feel good. I want you to feel respected." -Travel flings are definitely a category for sure. -Is it very clear what's happening next? -Right. -I think when you're getting out of a relationship or newly divorced, I mentioned you and I both have some friends that are going through it right now. A lot of them have said, "I'm not ready for a full-blown relationship." I don't want to have to explain myself on the dates that I go on. Having a fling, they still desire to feel something. It's almost like a reentry to your identity and autonomy. -Yes, because you've been living in the Wii for so long and your identity has been tied to a relationship or a marriage for so long. -Right. -You have to rediscover who you are outside of that relationship and you can't just jump back into another relationship. You're just going from a Wii to another Wii. So what's going on?
What does that look like now? Well you get to discover yourself in the eye with the fling because there are no strings attached. What's empowering is that you're the one saying I want this. It's not someone else dictating it for you. Right. And it's not using the fling to avoid grief or bypass loneliness. It's really like about getting that curiosity and lightness and honesty of like, I'm not ready for the depth, but I do desire connection with someone. It's not my ex. And I can hear some people saying, well, I don't want to be the rebound for someone. I think you're only the rebound if someone misled you from the beginning that this was in a rebound, right? You know, I've dated divorced men before and some have been very clear to me from the beginning. I'm not ready for anything, but just to have fun. And I will respect you and we'll have a good time. That is very intentional versus someone being like, oh, you know, I'm going through divorce, but I think I'm ready to get back into something already. That's very misleading because this person was definitely not ready. Well, that's why I think like apps like fling are actually really good because it sets that expectation right from the get go. Like you don't have to like come up with the whole story of like, oh, you know, my ex cheated on me and I'm not ready to trust again. Like you don't have to do that. And it could just feel like less intimidating that you're kind of jumping in with other people that are on the same page and you don't really have to be like, pretend you want a relationship or get these weird looks if you say that you don't because that's what everyone's there for. Well, see, on the other apps, people tend to say what they think other people want to hear. So everyone's default is I'm looking for a relationship because you feel pressure to say that on a dating app, but on an app like fling, you already know this is not a, you're not in it for a long term relationship. So there's no like stigma attached to what you're looking for. I know my friend right now, she's definitely expressed this is that she's like, I want to be on the apps, but I do not want to share my story. Like I don't want to do it. And I just want to make it clear. Like this is what I'm looking for. And you know, that is why like there's no shame. It's about reclaiming yourself. Reclaming yes and to feel empowered and to have the autonomy to say, I want to feel desire and I want to feel desired. I want to feel good and I want to have this human connection without these strings attached. I think that's like such a perfect place for someone going through a divorce right now. Yeah. And I think like a good fling can really, especially when you are on the same page again, it's less about what you're doing and more about the ambiguity that comes with them. But if you are on the same page, you really can like kind of experience into missing attraction again, like you were saying about your story with the guy from Greece. Like it gave you this feeling again without creating this narrative of like, what does this mean? Is this going to develop into something? Is this going to become something? Like you don't have to go and overinterpret. It just builds that like flexibility of like, I can feel a lot without needing it to be like this big life decision, which to be honest after a breakup or divorce, you probably don't have the capacity to do. No. I just see the room to experiment. And I think for so many people going through a breakup, they always ask like, when do I know if I'm ready to get back out there and then they go back out there on a dating app and they're like, oh no, I'm not ready. This is too much for me. Well, now you don't have to be like, oh, do I am I ready or am I not ready? It's not so binary. It's like baby steps and then just testing the waters and then being like, okay, I'm ready for some physical touch, but I'm not ready for that emotional connection. That's cool too. I mean, I mentioned this earlier, but I think another perfect example is this transitional life is like when you're moving to a different city or maybe like you're doing a big career shift and you just do not have the emotional bandwidth. You're like trying to build your life basically. And then you feel like once I have more stability in my own life, then I can open up to more serious dating that becomes a relationship with in these like transitional seasons. It just commitment doesn't feel aligned with life, like logistics, but you still have that desire for connection, even if it doesn't have the long term container. And on the receiving end of it too, you know, I remember girlfriend saying like two people I avoid on dating apps are the ones who are new to the city and the ones going through a divorce, right? Because you know, someone said to me, I'm sick of being a tour guide. I totally get it. But when you're doing, when you're, you know, thinking about a casual relationship or a fling, it's totally fine to be in that mindset. I'm new to the city. I'm here to have a good time. I'm here to explore the city without feeling like you're misleading someone and the people who are going to be on an app like fling. They're okay being, you know, the tour guide because they probably love it. I also feel like it's just so much healthier to cement yourself in community. Like I think back to that episode that we did with Phil, the guy that you met. Am I in that? Mine, Valley. Yes. And he was talking about how he just relocated to Barcelona. He was really trying to like put down roots there. And you know, I think a big piece of it's like, I don't want to use dating as a crotch. Like I want to meet people in the community. I want to build friends. I want to build a life. So then when I go into dating, I'm more secure. And I'm like, bringing, I'm not just taking from like the people like I'm not being the tour guide, you know, like all the stuff. So yeah, I think it's just like this is seasonal and maybe in a seasonal time, like your capacity for something more casual is higher. And that's okay. It's okay. It's okay. And then with so many of us being mobile with like remote work, I know so many people who are temporarily in a place, stationed in a place or temporarily checking out and testing out a city. You still want to explore the culture of that city, the people of that city, but then you don't want to commit to it. I mean, especially the city for a long period of time. Like what a great way to do that temporary time in a brand new city. Absolutely. I think the other time when I know flames were really good for me was when I was a lead or a bloomer and I have. I feel like it did really help me. Like, and I think this could be someone that identifies as a late bloomer or someone with limited sexual experience. Like it's almost like your go building and you're exploring yourself. I really feel like those relationships that were more casual that were more hookups and flings. Like it really did build my confidence. I get that like people can have differing sexual experiences. But I think again, when you're aligned with someone and you're respected by someone, we're not saying like go out or just like have sex with people that like disrespect you. That's when it becomes problematic. But when you're like feeling like, okay, we are on the same page. We are just enjoying this experience for what it is. That's when I think you can really like learn about your preferences or communication in the bedroom or boundaries. Like this is just stuff that like we feel like we need hands on experience and it's a great way to get it. And also it doesn't always have to be about sex. Right? It can be anything. It can be kind of like a romantic connection of any sort. I had a fling with the sky that was visiting New York from Ireland. He was only there for three months. He had never had a relationship before. But he wanted to know what it was like to date in the US and to date someone kind of consistently for a little bit. But we knew it was only going to be three months. And it was so much fun because he's like, I learned so much about just relating to someone else, like this sort of interaction. We maybe has sex once or twice, but it wasn't about the sex. It was really just about like building rapport with someone. Interesting. That's a good point too. Because like, yeah, fling, it could be full on sex. It could be just like making out. It could be not having any sex. Like there's a big range here that we're talking about. Yes. Oh, so fun. I want to go into a few more scenarios too where I think this could really help us. But before we do, let's take a minute to hear from our sponsors. Your home is more than just furniture. It's an extension of who you are and the details matter more than you think. Like a rug. The right rug can completely transform how a space feels. And that's why I'm obsessed with my rugable. I went with this warm, neutral, boho inspired design for my living room with earthy tones and a fun pattern and it instantly made the whole space feel more intentional. Like, oh, someone put some thought into this. And what's sealed the deal for me is that it's completely machine washable. Like my dog, Mojo does not care about interior design and neither does red wine apparently. 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[email protected]. That's r-u-g-g-a-b-l-e.com and use the code D-A-T-E-A-B-L-E-E at checkout. Olen Shannon Maldenado, Käsintechtuja Artesanituotteita, my friend, Jäuvi Lajakaopan Perusta. Valitzin Shopify, Koska Alustoja, Testatessani, totesin sen ehdotomasti yhdeksi helpokäyttöisimmistä alustoista. Minulo oli tärkeä pohtia kehittymistame tulevaisuudessa. All of the things that are in the air, as the summer sun is shining, will be shining in the dashboard. Alojta Ilmainen kokeilu Shopify Piste kom-sivustolla. Another time, I think, is post-long dry spell? Or if you decide long, everyone has a different definition for long. I'll just put it there. I think burnout from dating apps or like,
like if dating just hasn't been a priority. We have a friend that had a little bit of a fling before my wedding, you know who I'm talking about. And I think it was a good reset for her. She was like beaming. - Yes. - It was with a younger guy too. She met him at my bachelor party. I know she's gonna love us talking about this, but you know, I think she needed it. I think she's like, yeah, it's was the reset I needed. - You know, I feel like older women, younger men, flings are really the best. (laughs) - You can't go wrong. I can't really personally can't imagine having a fling with an older man. I don't know why, I just, but yeah, some guy was, what was he? In his 20s? - Yeah, he was taking it. - He was taking it. - He was taking it. - He was like, bring it on. Show me your city and your room at your parents' house. (laughs) - Oh goodness. I don't think he lived with his parents. We'll give him that. - He didn't. - He didn't, but my fan to see they would. - He may have lived on campus. (laughs) - I love it. - I don't know which one's worse or better. I don't know. I do love it though because you know, like I do our friend versus she is just buried and work. Like she is like, - Yeah. - Defoding her life right now to working. And you know, sometimes like you don't have the time to go on date after date. Like it gets kind of exhausting. And she would tell me like sometimes I sit at the date and I'm like, I could be doing 30 other things right now. And I'm here on this like Luke War mediocre date. - You know what's wild is that the conversations you would have on a date where you are in a traditional dating mode versus a fling casual dating mode would be so different. I can already see two people on a traditional dating date and then they're kind of like, oh, what do you do for work and where do you, where do you picture yourself in five years? Kind of that serious undertone. And then the people on the fling date just laughing about something random. - 'Cause yeah. - Care is what your five year plan is. Like I don't know where you see your song five years. I don't need to know, but tell me more about this house party you went to last week. - That's such a good point too. It could be that break that like ends that dry spell or like the burnout. - Yeah. - Because I think even like maybe you just need that reset for the fling and then you go back into dating and you're not doing the date of view. You're just, you know, being more present and playful. - Yeah, playful and bringing the fun and magic back to dating again. Isn't that a complaint we hear so much right now? It's like it's so serious and difficult now and everyone's over analytical. - So I actually put a poll up on Instagram of like when people's last flings were and 47% said over a year ago. - Really? - Which is like a long time. I feel like you know 10 years ago we would not have had those numbers. And I think a big part of it again is this like shame on hookup culture and reset to intentional dating. And don't get me wrong. I think like there's been a lot of benefits that have come with that. The intentional dating has made it that were not like, you know, I think hookup culture had a lot of problem. A lot that was problematic of just like being treated poorly and you know, not respected. And that got swung in the right direction. So I think what we're saying here is like you can have an intentional fling that's more casual. You're bringing the best of intentional dayday and maybe the stuff that's missing from hookup culture was more of that aliveness feeling and energy that came and it just feels like we've swung to this like stale mode of dating. Like when do you hear people like having that magical first kiss anymore? - No. - Making out at the bar like you don't get those stories. It's just become so goal oriented. And it's like back to where I talk about with the magic when you bring some of that magic back to date. - The shift we need to have is a fling is problematic. If you consider it a fling in hindsight. - Yes. - So I bet you all the 43% that you just quoted. Most of them probably call them flings in hindsight because they weren't flings during. Now we're shifting it to you're saying up front this is a fling. How you show up is so different now. First it's like three months later and you look back and go, oh, well, that was a fling. To date number one, refers to interaction, this is a fling. I'm gonna bring my fling self. - Yeah, I really think if you've been in kind of this high stake stating cycles with apps and timelines and pressure at all the things we hear that make stating so draining that really like flings and casual dating can be an opportunity to bring some lightness back and not necessarily the attachment. But when done healthy, like they remind you that like connection doesn't have to always equal evaluation or performance or goals. Looking back to your story and Greece, like it was just a way to conduct to another human being without any expectations. - And how I presented myself in that fling was so different than how I presented myself in dating. For example, after we met each other the first night, I was like, well, if this is gonna be a fling, I wanna see as much of you as possible. - Yeah. - So like, what are you doing tomorrow, right? I was like on that date, just being like, what are you doing tomorrow? I would love to see you, love to hang out. In traditional dating, oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm like, waiting by the phone, are they gonna ask me out again? It's just, I don't know, maybe I'd be different now, but still, like there's still that courtesy weight. - Yeah. - I don't wanna come off too thirsty, but with the fling, you're like, okay, time is limited. I know we get along, I know we're having fun. Why wouldn't we wanna hang out more? - I also think for whatever reason we think, we're either in fling casual dating mode or serious mode. But I look at your example, and it was kind of what broke you open to being open again for something more serious. So I feel like prior to the fling, you were like, I don't wanna ever be in a relationship again, like I am done. And then you had the fling and you're like, oh, it is nice to connect with people. I could be open again. And then like, what six months later, you met your partner? - Exactly. Because what I was so afraid of was being blindsided again. If you don't do fling's right, you could be blindsided because someone could be like, yeah, I'm going to be a relationship and later be like, oh, I thought this was a casual thing. But if you are so upfront from the beginning, and he was so consistent with the way he treated me, not like disrespecting, but it's like we are here to have fun and to enjoy each other and get to know each other in a short amount of time. It just felt like I could trust humanity again. (laughs) - I mean, that's really what it's about. Like, explore your identity, your sexuality, your preferences. Like to me, that is this discovery phase that's so beneficial 'cause it's like this low pressure experimentation space. And you can understand like your attraction patterns. Like, I look back on, you know, I had this one guy. I still see him from time to time. I get no heart, no heart feelings. I like don't think anything down up to him. - Right, yes, you really are for clarifying that. Thank you for clarifying. I do not have an open marriage. Thank you for clarifying that. (laughs) - But fling's are great if you are an open relationship. - That's good. - Good point. So with this guy though, he was like my between guy. So I'd be in a relationship. - The betweener. - Yep. And then like anytime a relationship or someone I liked ended, it would be like a way to kind of reconnect and explore again. But I feel like I actually like learn so much about like what I wanted sexually. And this person became someone that felt very like comfortable too because like they were someone that, you know, I did have a bond with even though it wasn't like my forever person. And we also had an understanding. Like if he had a girl, like got a girlfriend or like, you know, this last time around, I remember him reaching out and I'm like actually I'm seeing someone that probably is gonna be pretty serious. It was like no hard feelings. Cool. It was funny though when I did run into him. I ran into him like he lives actually really close to me and I ran into him on my own and we like stopped, shattered for a bit, caught up. And then I ran into him like with my partner and you could tell he wasn't sure like, "Shut up, you acknowledge yours." (laughs) And then eventually I was just like, "Wave to my guy." I'm not gonna like ignore you, but. - Yeah. - Yeah, you were, you were still, yeah, you were still part of my life in some way. You're like in some ways, you opened me up too. - Yeah. - My now husband. - I could see his wheels turning like, should I say something? Should I do that? - Oh yeah, that's so cool. - We didn't like stop though. It wasn't a stop and chat. - Yeah. (laughs) But yeah, so you do run into him from time to time. - Still today. - A reminder, a reminder that you can have a really good fling. I know that as women sometimes it feels unsafe to go into casual dating and territory 'cause you feel like, "Oh, am I being taken advantage of?" And I think with an app like fling, what's so great is that you get to choose who can see you first of all. So you don't have to reveal your profile to everyone. You can share photos privately and you can keep everything very discreet. So your safety is at the forefront and you're empowered to choose who can interact with you. - Yeah, they're not just like a swipe app. And I like that they have video too because I feel like if I was to use an app to find a fling, honestly, even a date, I feel like having video is like, - You wanna see who you're meeting up with. Like video, you don't have to be like, "Oh my God, I'm so attracted on video." But you can get a gauge like, are they a safe person? Are they someone I can like, feel like myself and feel comfortable around. So I think having that capability is huge. Whatever dating app you're on. - Yeah. Another time that comes to mind of us.
like when a fling could be really healthy. It's like after a period of like caretaking for others or just like emotional repression. If you've been in parenthood or emotionally demanding roles, like caring for parents, maybe you're even going through something yourself. Like we actually had a community member share, I suppose this will always stay with me that like she was going through a cancer battle and like actually sought out an escort during that time, which is like it sounds wild, but I wanted to like fulfill this need and like feel good about myself and reconnect with myself, feel desired again, re-enter this pleasure zone, like things that like had been stripped away from me. - Yeah, similarly with a friend that we both know who lost his wife to cancer and it was three years of non-stop caretaking for his wife and I think after she passed the sounds so terrible when you say it in like such a quick timeline but he really hadn't taken care of any of his needs for three years and even his wife before she passed was like, you need to really take care of yourself and your pleasure and your desires even when she was still alive, she was like, let's get you someone to, you know, because I can't provide that for you. So he's had multiple sexual flings and I think it's making him feel like a human again. That's what he said to me. He's like, I feel like a human again. I feel like I have, you know, needs and I have parts that are working. - It's important. I feel like we don't want to say it. There's so much shame around it and like why? It's a part of life. And you know, I think the underlying pattern like across all these scenarios that we talked about of like times when a fling can actually be very rejuvenating is that they're serving kind of like a transition or an exploration or a recalibration. - Mm-hmm. Yep, it's always this period of like, you're gonna come out a better version of yourself if you see it intentionally as this way. Not like you've involuntarily fallen into a casual thing. Here you are taking control and you're saying, I'm using this time to learn, to transition, to explore, to recalibrate, to experiment, then you're gonna get what you intentionally put into it. But also know that you're intentionally not trying to avoid grief or normal anxiety that you feel in dating. You're not avoiding those feelings. We're escaping something like feeling lonely or something like that. - So we got a couple of listener questions that they had around flings. So I wanted to take this time to run through three of them. We got a bunch, but we'll pick three that are really good to kind of deep dive into a bit. So I will read a scenario one that we have from a listener that wrote in. - Okay. - I'm a single mother with limited time, but that doesn't mean I still don't have needs. It's been hard going on dating apps and having to explain myself and how I'm not in a place for committed partnership right now. And then going on dates where expectations and goals are misaligned. And when I do say I want something more casual, I'm often looked at with disbelief and I'm not taking seriously. I'm wondering if I should get off apps and try to meet people at bars, but it feels like a lot of time, time that I don't have help. - Great example of someone who could really use a fling because you don't have the time, your priorities are somewhere else, but you still have your own needs. And a lot of times with single parents is like they have the kids one week and they don't have the kids one week. So then on the weeks off, you're like, what do I do with my time? I would really like to connect with someone. So perfect example of something like that. But I love that she brought up this sort of notion that if women want casual something, that it's like nobody believes them, there's no way that this woman just wants something casual or they may judge her for wanting it. Like there's no winning, right? - I think with single parents too, and I've heard this from friends, is like it's more low pressure. It's like a way to fit into your life. And you have that privacy from your children when you're on a different custody schedule. And you can have this pleasure without guilt. So it is kind of like a way to ease back into dating and not have something that's as serious as you're just trying to navigate other parts of your life and you just don't have the time. And I agree, I think like going to bars, not like if you're going to bars just for fun, like by all means do it, but to go with that goal feels like exhaustive. It feels like easier, I think, to be on an app, like fling where like other people are like minded. They're on the same page, there's no pressure to define what you're looking for, you're upfront on your intentions, and you can connect to people that are on the same vibe. - And news flash, I went to a bar the other day, like my first bar in months and nobody was talking to each other. - Right. There was no interacting. - But I do think like if you're a single parent with limited time, like you don't have to feel bad about this. A casual dating actually can be healthier than forcing a commitment or defining something too early and having to like introduce people to your kids, like having your kids deal with that. Like there's a lot of fallout and just emotional responsibility. I think a lot of times like when people are coming out of divorce, they don't want an necessarily take on emotional responsibility of another human again. So I've heard from friends, but I also like get like that too. Like if you're just in a season of life where you're more like, I have my own stuff to worry about, I can't hold space necessarily for what you're going through. And I think with a fling, the expectation isn't there. Like you don't have to hold space for them. No one wants that from you. - And with single parenting, when you're on a traditional app, we've heard a lot of you try to hide or bury the fact that you're a single parent because you don't want to scare people away. But if you're on a fling sort of focused platform, like fling, I think you can lead with, I'm a single mom, I'm busy looking for something every other Tuesday or whatever it is. Like be on my schedule and you can really lead with what your priorities are and not be judged for it. - And back to like being intentional, like I actually think again, like you can learn a lot from even short term dynamics. I know I did, like just communication and emotional pacing, like your values, like what you want out of sex, what consistency looks like for you, even if that doesn't mean a full blown relationship, you can still have like expectations that you communicate and learn from and what feels good and what does it. I think this can actually help you be like, do I want this type of dynamic long term? What would I change? So when you are ready to get back out there, if you are for something that is more committed, you have more data that you can pull from of what you're looking for. - Mm-hmm. My single parent friend said to me, like after months of casual dating, she's like, I just need someone who I can have sex with on a regular basis and who can help me pick up the kids every once in a while. Like, hey, you know, put it out there and she found someone to do just that. So it's great. - Love it. - A scenario number two. - Sure, you want to read this one? - Sure. Scenario number two, I'm in my late 30s and genuinely happy with my single life. I don't desire a relationship. I'm very fulfilled with my career, friends, hobbies, et cetera. This may not be a phase. I've really resonated with your single at heart episode. You did a couple weeks ago. Like the guest said though, I do still want to casually date and find connections. My friends keep telling me I'll get attached though and there's no such thing as a fling without emotions getting involved. What do you think? - Well, I think everyone, first of all, is different with their level of attachment. I know for me personally, I'll just speak for my own experience. When I got attached is when I hope for it to be more. - Yeah. - I had a fling that I knew, like that high school guy I was telling you about the guy that was from my high school, but it was in my 20s here. We both kind of went in and there was like really no issues. Like I had no attachment to this person at all. And it's because the mentality and the expectations were set. Even if not explicitly set, I mean, I think the fact that we were only seeing each other at like two in the morning and never texting between it. But I think you can even be more intentional than we were back then. But it was enough that we understood. We understood what was going on and it didn't happen. I think again, the times where I did get that attachment, it's when I built a story in my head, I really wanted more and I wasn't being honest with myself the other way. So I think if you're honest with what it is you want and you find someone that aligns with it, then that alleviates a lot. - With anything relationships wise, you need parameters and intentions and build out the container for that fling. So top of my head, I'm like, well, there needs to be time boxed and also you need to have some rules around what kind of engagements you will have. Like no late night talks about work. I'm not gonna be like, "I have such a long day at work today." But you're meeting up on a regular basis and what are you trying to get out of these interactions? And I think you can only find these parameters as you start building out these flings and then you learn about what works and what doesn't. So be open to the fact that yeah, you could get attached, they could get attached. You could also say that's one of the rules. It's like if one of us gets attached, we're out. We need to leave this. If one of us starts dating someone else seriously, like you did in your scenario, we gotta leave this. Right, you gotta build out these parameters.
Fighta paljon! Ok! V globalppailparkhvorn - YSSK. Nuido duo koistupala Sinough Land Ok! Our last listener question and then we're gonna go into after that how to have a fling safely, physically, and emotionally so make sure to stay till the end. But last question we got. I'm 35 and recently got out of a long-term relationship. For the first time in my adult life, I don't actually want a serious relationship right now. I want something light, fun, and physical. I started seeing a younger guy because it felt easier to keep things in fling territory. But now if I wonder if I'm being honest with myself, part of me genuinely wants freedom and another part wonders if I'm choosing younger men because they emotionally feel safer and less likely to expect commitment. How do you tell the difference between intentionally wanting a fling and using one to avoid vulnerability? -Umm! -Is this energizing or is this draining? I've had flings where I was avoiding vulnerability and commitment, and I felt draining because I was acting out of alignment with what I wanted. But a fling can be extremely energizing if it is aligned with what you're looking for. And this point about dating younger men and how they expect commitment less. I mean, I think you can see that from across all ages. I don't think it's like all younger men will are less likely to want commitment. But if the idea of hanging out with younger men energizes you, and that seems fun, like, why not go for it? I think what's benefit, I mean, we've talked about this a little in this episode, is like you can kind of release the expectations from with a fling. Like, you don't have to like go by your like prescribed list of who I think is my ideal partner for the long term. And that allows you to explore, and maybe that is someone younger. And there's not like these age box as much as that we put in if we're trying to find our life partner. I have a few friends that kind of started off a little more casually with people, and it eventually became actually a committed relationship that's turning into marriage. And you know, I think like sometimes just going with things and seeing where it goes to is okay. And it's maybe what you need at that moment, you're saying in this question that you don't want a serious relationship right now. You want something light fun and physical like honor that. And I don't think you need to worry about like, am I avoiding vulnerability and using younger men to avoid vulnerability. I think it's like honor what you want, be intentional and be open to where it could go. Yeah. But you're learning along the way. So give yourself some grace. You're probably not going to have all the answers right away. And that's what you can learn from flings is that you learn about what you want out of them. And then you learn more about yourself too. And we're constantly evolving. So what you want today may change tomorrow. And let's be open to all of that. But I think that's why flings are so great because they're so malleable. Like you can sort of change the shape of them throughout the course of time to fit what you're looking for. And I think that can be done in such a playful fun way. And also like what you're taking like are younger men, sometimes more emotionally available than other age, because I actually think this could be true. Yeah. Well, I do think like we're in like a therapy generation, we're in a generation where it's okay for men to share their feelings. Like not say that older men don't do that, but I think that sometimes younger men are more just like prone to do it. So you could get vulnerability with younger men. I think older men and women in general have a stronger idea of what they're looking for in a relationship and maybe not as open to different configurations. But I think the younger generations, they're more open to it. And that's why I keep saying like I can't imagine having a fling with an older man because he already has these like preconceived notions of what a relationship should look like. But maybe a younger man would be like, "Huh, yeah, yeah, let's try it." Why not? I feel like it's such an interesting point of time. So I was a little like off topic, but it's like back in the day it was like older men dating younger women. And then we got judged the reverse, but now there's this like swing that it's like empowering for women to date younger. I know it's such a double standard on so many levels. Like people should just date whatever they want, but I do think the difference though is there was like a resource gap, you know, for older men dating younger women. I don't think it's a resource gap for older women dating younger men. I actually think it's just an it's an energy thing. Like I think so many women are like, "I've done it. I've raised kids. I've raised a career. I've raised myself and possibly a husband along the way." I'm done with taking care of people. I'm just in a time of my life where I just want to have some good old-fashioned energetic fun. And here's who's available to me. I mean, I'll hear for it. I think this is like exploring different types of people, which is like, I think when you're out of the box of like, "This is my forever person." It allows you to do that. And a lot of your personality that maybe gets buried in a serious relationship, because it's just more serious by nature. Like spontaneity and just sexuality, curiosity, like all of that can come alive in something that's a little more undefined and casual. Yeah, because you're not looking for all the answers in a fling. I think when you're looking at it from a traditional like serious dating lens, I would google the shit out of someone. I want to know about their previous relationships and their access. But with the fling, do I really care what their last relationship was like, probably not. I'm not as curious about it. And do I really care what they're looking for five years down the line? Not really. So there's just less of that answer seeking, which also doesn't cause me any anxiety, because I'm not trying to get those answers. I'm going straight off of my present-day vibes. Yeah, you're like out of that, like, could this be my future husband? Yes. Bye. And it's more just like, what's my desire? What's happening for me real-time? Yes. Okay. Well, last but not least, we want to go to how to have a fling safely, because I think that's a factor both physically and emotionally. And like we were talking about earlier, a fling itself isn't usually what hurts people, but it's the lack of clarity, the projection, and self-abandonment that comes with it, and also a plug to be safe, because safe sex. Please. Also, like, clearly, safe sex practices, all that, but just the parameters that you have around dating apps, like meeting in a public place, like doing your due diligence, video chats, like anything that you can do to make sure as much as you can, that should stay the same in a fling situation or any dating app? Yeah. Don't loosen your safety parameters for a fling. You should still be vigilant for all intents and purposes, but now we're just talking about it in a different context. And like we mentioned before, having an explicit container for that fling, like, start out with this is a fling. Let's label it. Yeah. Let's call it that. If you're going to DTR a long-term relationship, you might as well DTR a fling too. So easier. Yeah, it's a little easier to do it DTR. It's way easier, and you can do that before you with the first date. Yeah, and I mean, it doesn't have to be like a dramatic conversation. I could just be like, "I'm not looking for something serious right now. I'm enjoying this as it is without trying to find it." I think obviously if you're on an app that's geared to flings, like fling.me and the app that goes with it, like, it's easy, because you don't really even need to have that expectation reset. But regardless of where you're meeting, just getting on the same page and like, identifying you for what it is, I think, yeah, looking back, that's where I got the heartbreak when that wasn't done. Yeah, exactly. It comes from that unspoken asymmetry. And now with something more intentional, you've turned it into spoken symmetry. What am I blowing thought? Like, to be able to verbalize something that you're both lined on. Yeah. And to be honest about it early on. And then you don't have to over-explain it. Like, the single parent example is like, "I'm a single parent. I'm busy. I don't have much time, but every other week, I'm ready to have some good old fashioned fun." Yeah, I mean, the pain from flings comes from the silent negotiations. Not from the fling. And yeah, like we were saying the one thing we really like about a site like fling.me is that it's designed around transparency. Like, people are pretending what they're looking for one day and secretly hoping for another. Yeah. And if they are secretly hoping for a relationship, they're quickly going to be filtered out, right? Because they're going to see that this is not the place for them. Okay. Our next tip is to match your investment to reality. I think flings feel good when you respond to what's happening and not what it could become. So you're looking at how they're actually showing up. What's consistent? What's not? What's actually being offered? Instead of like your attachment system filling in the gaps, like, this could become something. Those again are the quickest way to an unsettling fling. Yeah, don't. bank on the potential or the future dates. But this gives you an opportunity to bring your whole self onto the date. The present date like show up, put an effort. This doesn't mean like if you have a fling or a casual thing that you can just have acid. You still should put in some effort and energy into it. But now you're just putting all the energy onto the present time, the present date. And the next one stay emotionally present without overattaching. Even if it's light, you can still communicate clearly. You can still express interest. Honestly, acknowledge the impact. This is why it's an intentional fling, not just a fling. You're still putting intention around it. You're not just like keeping it chill because that's where like the emotional void in shows up. Yes, exactly because my grease fling I could have been like, oh, I'm here for a few more days. I'm just going to keep it chill and see if we're going to see each other again. But no, I'm going to be intentional and I'm going to communicate my needs. And I want to see him again and I want to see him tomorrow. You know, I have no qualms about communicating that and knowing that you have permission to do so. This is like such a great time to practice expressing your needs. And then the next one is really to protect yourself respect baseline because at the end of the day, a fling is going to feel good if you feel respected. If you're abandoning yourself to keep access not so much. So, you know, you're not necessarily like adapting your behavior just to like stay in this person's life. Like, that's when flings shift from playful to draining. Yes. And then respect them to respect all around. The last minute cancellations. None of that don't make people feel disposable, commoditized, like all the bad dating behaviors don't translate that over to flings. Right. Just now you can just be more upfront with it. Yeah, it's about pacing intentionally too. Like, you don't need to like all of a sudden stop your world because you let this new person like you could just let the intensity rise and fall naturally. And like there's enough space. The whole point is that you're living your life outside of the fling. You're not trying to like hold this connection and make it more than it is. Yeah, don't be so addicted to the potential ebbs and flows of a fling because I can see how that could create some false sense of chemistry. Yeah. Like, let's just call it what it is and don't expect much more than that. And then last but not least, be honest about endings early. It doesn't need to feel abrupt. Like, I mentioned the best times when I had flings is when it was clear that like if one of us was to pursue something else, it would be okay. It actually pissed me off more when someone just ghosted or like wasn't responsive. I would rather them just be like, hey, I met someone. Cool. You know, like don't just like ignore me though. I think we have to like make sure that we're honest and respectful here too. It feels bad when it feels like a breakup. Like, no one wants that. No, that's why you can talk about the breakup upfront with the fling. When should we end this? Like, what are the guardrails we have around when this thing should end? And you don't have to stick to it obviously, but it's nice to just talk about it upfront and like be open about it. I'm really glad that we discussed this because I think it really sets the tone that like not every meaningful connection is meant to become permanent. And that's okay. And I think like my biggest takeaways of this conversation is like, we don't need to like say fligs are bad. You know, like, it doesn't need to be so extreme. It's like casual dating isn't inherently like damaging. It's all about setting the right expectations, being honest, having self-awareness. Then it can become empowering. If you're in control, you're not just falling into something because someone else doesn't want something serious. And what's more empowering is that you get to set that label up front, you know, especially as women, you just being able to be like, we're going to date casually. This is a casual thing. This is a fling that's already empowering in itself because you're removing all the stigma, shame out of it, by you having agency over it. And then getting the alignment, we keep saying that word alignment, but that is like where we are striving to take the guesswork out of all these interactions. You're always going to be on the same page if you can communicate clearly like that. Yeah. And I mean, as women, we deserve places and spaces where we can date casually without shame or performance. And we can be intentional. And we're not just swiping through millions of people. And happy to exploit ourselves. And like we're using apps that are actually designed for this type of connection. It really allows us to explore connection on our terms. Yes. It is so fun. And it's just fun. All in all, we just want you to all have so much fun in a respectful aligned, intentional way. And what better to do that than have an intentional fling. Yep. And like we mentioned, like finding an app like fling.b is really perfect. If you're in a season that casual dating feels more aligned than trying to force a traditional path. It's a way to feel intentional, comfortable, and judgment-free, especially for women. You can download the app in the app store. It's under fling dating app, or you can go to fling.me for more information. Awesome. And yeah, it's completely free for women. So ladies. Yeah. Love it. Get in on that fling. Awesome. Well, whether you're going to have a fling or a dot, I hope this conversation helps people just, you know, be more open to all the different types of relationships that are out there, all the different types of connections. And, you know, just feeling empowered to do what's right for you in the season. All right, we're going to wrap up this episode and this season. Stay DADBLE! Foreign Foreign.
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