S2 Ep.9: Learning to Be Okay With Where You Are

Navigating the Pressure of 'What's Next' After Success So what's next? Speaker 2 I just have this sinking feeling that no matter what it is, I say it'll never meet the height or the bigness of a Miss Universe win. Speaker 1 Like you said, the question was really, man, what's next? Speaker 2 For me, I felt like nothing was ever enough to the point like I would work so hard and then I when I would achieve that certain thing, I wouldn't even enjoy or celebrate that win because I'd already be like, OK, what's next? What's next? I need to keep going. Speaker 1 Hello everybody, I put him on the very on the deep side deep size because I don't know where this topic is going to go. Speaker 2 But I'm excited actually, when I was talking with Nicole about what we could have as our first like fleshed out long form episodes. But I'm going to jump off Cosa point now about pressure because I think both of us in different ways grew up with a certain sense of pressure and either performing at school or in the workplace, even the realm of pageantry. My pressure didn't do it. And even now in our 30s, my even classing pressure. But it actually manifested in a strange way of when I have interviews, I'm always asked, so Catrion, what's next after that crowning moment, the question of what's next? What's next after the Miss Grand International competition? What's next after the Miss Universe crown? And I just have this sinking feeling that no matter what it is, I say it'll never meet the height or the bigness of a Miss Universe win for me. And I feel like, you know, Gustinella Mahana in the answer. So then it rebounds to me and makes me feel like like I'm lacking in something. And I was like, take a long. I don't want to live my whole life living in the shadow of that one achievement. But am I really? Or is it just something I'm putting on to myself? Or is it really being echoed by people around me? Speaker 1 Especially because after my people promote Kabai and I'm like. Next project. Speaker 2 Yeah, exactly. So let's kind of dive into that because Bahama related in KYO. Speaker 1 So Bahama, please the Mayan yohame because I'm sure about your career and stuff this big long. Also, what's next for you? I don't plan them on. Speaker 2 Next, or if you just got into a relationship, what's next? Are you getting married or after you've had children? What's next? Like lagging my expectation, Bob, but I really kind of want to delve into that. So let's maybe start off the jumping point of that feeling of pressure, that feeling of having to meet a certain expectation. When did you first start to become aware of there would be expectations and or pressure on you? Speaker 1 So you go to Para Jose Una right after the crown. What career would I build outside of it? Like I had Showtime every day by six days a week. So I never really had to answer that question for a long time because I was in Showtime for like. Speaker 2 Eight years and it's very visible. It's something that people can be like, Oh yeah, we're not going to ask because we can see you. Speaker 1 There, we know what you're doing in the last few years, You know, like, what's next for me? How do I become more amazing? Like, how do we surpass ourselves? Yeah. And I think. Speaker 2 Yeah, but it's really for me it it kind of makes me feel like kahit anong project Namir Nako, Kahit anong ganap. I'm still going to forever be asked, so what's next? So what's next? So what's next? And Miss Universe is always the end of the questions. I'm like, what's next after Miss Universe? Guy Marinathol music, Marinathol project. So I was like, what's next after Miss Universe? So I really tried to kind of dissect it like is the pressure then coming from myself? Because maybe I'm just interpreting their very normal question into something that gives me pressure, or is it something that they're really asking with pressure or with expectation? So I just thought it was really interesting after winning the crown in Miss Universe. Like it's such a visible, palpable thing like that really like changed the trajectory of my life, changed the trajectory of my job and my career. But now since then I've had little like projects and little developments, but nothing I don't feel will ever be as big as that. Speaker 1 And driving platform. Speaker 2 But that kind of makes me sad because like and then beckons me to ask myself the question like, should I be striving to add something else to that? Do I need another title? Not in terms of how to treat, but like something that's internationally recognizable and super visible. Speaker 1 Yeah, like how do you match your bigness? You have peak. Absolutely. I think. I think I've reached my peak. What do I do? Turning Rejection into Growth: Good vs. Bad Pressure But it's also, I think maybe echoes off the sentiment that women in their 30s and 40s and 50s are given like, your peak was your 20s. So, so Guru, maybe that emphasizes the feeling about it. But also, I think it's interesting to know that pressure either from yourself or your environment, people around you or society, can also be good in certain doses. So what for you defines good pressure versus bad pressure? Speaker 1 Like you said, the question was what's next for me? And I guess if I calm myself down and take it in such a way because this person expects so much from me or sees that I can do so much and knows that I can give more. So if I take it that way, yeah, maybe going. And then that's when I start looking through my back burner of neglected projects that never really saw the light of day because the timing was never right or Hindi ko pandami meteorite people for it to partner up for that. So I guess that's kind of good and realize it's something that you do want pero Baja if you want to meet the expectations of people for the sake na me masab bikala na na rich moyoon or something na na. In the end Hidikonam Pala Messiah doing it or MAGA accept canal project for example or work pero that parang book book is a mental health for that job. Speaker 2 Yeah. So like it's also the way to think about it is by, you know, like if you ask yourself what they're pointing out on me, what is my initial reaction and where is that reaction coming from? Like for example, if it if you become defensive, for example, I think it's really helpful to sit with that and be like, OK, I'm feeling defensive right now. Why is that? Is it because I echo the sentiment like I haven't done enough and I'm feeling caught out, called out with this person pointing it out to me and I don't want to hear it? Or am I defensive because I've been really trying and behind the scenes and it just doesn't work out and if only that person would know that. Speaker 1 No, no, no. What if you're trying and then? I know in your life, project or event. Speaker 2 Oh my gosh, music has always been like that for me. I say when I think about it, music was the one reason that I deferred my studies and didn't a degree online instead of moving back to Australia to pursue university because I was signed up to a record label and I was like, Oh my God, I can actually do this. But it was a really interesting position for me because I never felt that I had the talent and music to take me internationally. But I was like, but I'm just being too hard on myself. And if these people believe in me, it's like an along. But then I was what, 18 at the time? And then that record company kind of just like pushed me under the rug and didn't do anything with me. The song, one song that they offered me was like a party girl, get drunk, lose yourself type of lyric. And I was like, that's not, I'm like, that's not the kind of girl that I am. And so I finally got out of that contract. And then I, I was trying in these little things and I just kept getting discouraged because I was just like, I'm not really meeting the right people. Because if I do something, which is really synonymous around everything that I do, if I do something, I want to do it with my vision intact. And so when that wasn't aligning, I was like, you know what, Maybe this just isn't for me. And I'm here, you know, because like, I would feel a weird sense of shame every time I would do interviews and I would always say, like, I I would love to pursue music. I hope that I'll in a year's time, I'll be putting out music. So what's next? I hope that Kat as the artist would be doing something and then to be giving the same answer year after year after year. But I was like my exasperation of actor or by then I try more pero. So that's why it would make it annoying or hurtful to be asked about it. But it's not the fault of the other person. Yeah. It's just that it might been at the Anon or a series of failures in the pursuit of something that never worked at all. Yeah. Ekao do you have something? Speaker 1 We follow up question. Sorry, I'm curious in the process now you're going back into music better. Now you're doing it as a Miss Universe who has also gone past her Rain has done a lot already. Very interesting that you're still here trying, because I think at this point, the expectation, sometimes it's like, what level of or what kind the bravery do you need to muster to keep trying because you got exasperated at some point, Yeah. Speaker 2 I mean, it's hard because in the public eye especially, like people consider me accomplished already and that I peaked in something already. So there's that expectation that everything else I do needs to be at that level. And so to continue to try and know that you're going to be seen in your attempts is a really scary thought cuz it's not something I get to do behind the scenes a lot anymore because I am a public figure. And I think maybe you felt that as well, but I think we should always continue to try because one, we can learn something out of the failure. If it doesn't work out, there's always something to be gained from the experience failure in a muncha, but there's something to be learnt there that you could maybe do better or different next time. And I think if I look back on my own story of like all the times that I attempted, for example, I know I mentioned this in a previous episode, but like I used to do castings to do hosting and like I had a series of Nos like I, I, I wouldn't even make it to like the next call back or when I did asking. Speaker 1 For hosting, you know you're on a cable channel. Speaker 2 No, like, like, so for example, like you're on a cable channel like, ETC. You remember that? Speaker 1 Yeah, girl. Speaker 2 No, I don't. Speaker 1 Remember that not that generation but but yes, ETC. The Obama Ma. Speaker 2 Capsule not TV host like lifestyle. So I auditioned for that and a series of other different things. And sometimes I would make it to the final call back, sometimes I wouldn't even make it to the second call back. But it was just a series of like nose that I was like, Sugura, I'm just a terrible host. Sugura, I'm not made out, cut out for this. Like my talent's not there. Then it started to make me really feel. Speaker 1 Like how did you do it before? I'm so curious. Speaker 2 Yeah, so it was really scary because like you keep trying in the face of that failure and you're just thinking to yourself, like, what am I gonna offer that's different? What are they gonna see in me that the other people didn't see? There's a lot of, like, mental discussion there for someone like me anyway. I'm not really over analytical, but about how you guys have experienced it as well. So the act of trying again is really scary because you're also going against the evidence that you've accumulated, which might be a series of failures. Speaker 1 The next one is probably a confirmation you can on you're feeling it crying alone. Speaker 2 And can you question like your capabilities and just what you're offering if you keep on getting rejected, it's like? Speaker 1 So now he face you in question. So what's next? Speaker 2 Oh, but I think that I would consider like a good pressure as well. If you can take an experience like, OK, I have a series of rejections. Perhaps I'm being nudged to further develop this skill. So for example, if it's hosting like instead of being like, Oh my God, I'm, I'm never gonna try this again. I'm obviously horrible at it and no one likes me as a host could be like, OK, how can I be better in hosting? So like seeing how I register in camera or maybe maybe it's my memorization and then pomptu. Like it can also be a nudge to be like, OK, I need to do something different. Maybe that's something different is developing and furthering myself further so I can take it and make it into something good. Or you can take it and just quit. Speaker 1 Photography at that age for ETC. Physical edition cup. Knowing what I know now, hosting takes a lot of personality talaga, which I would say I didn't really find until a few years ago. The bravery to show your personality also so like, it's a lot 2019 and I thought. Speaker 2 To be a good host, you just had to be a good. Speaker 1 Communicator. Yeah. Extra magic setup the umami. Yeah, really interesting. How Ambition Changes from Proving to Purpose OK, so when we were discussing this topic, didn't it was also connected to ambition? So what's next? As when Devo, we had nothing, only when we joined pageants. Yeah. So parang. OK Mazuma Dalisa Gutenon. Pero. Like right now, are we still as ambitious now that we have young Challenge is to look for the bigger one. Pero, you need to be as hungry as before, So I know formula higher right now. Yeah. And Seguru does it. Segura is a season no longer no life. Not that. Yeah. Speaker 2 I mean, honestly, if I were to compare the ambition that I had in my 20s to how I am now, I'm way less, more ambitious now. Like because, and this is, I thought was a really interesting point, cuz back then, when I was in my 20s, I felt like I had to prove myself of something. Like I, I hadn't made anything for myself. I hadn't made a name for myself and I didn't I didn't have the ability to tick that box off. So I was constantly chasing. I was like, I I need to do something. I need to be hungry for this. So ibat that I got on grit go, Ibayum persistence go. And I felt like nothing was ever enough to the point like I would work so hard and then I when I would achieve that certain thing, I wouldn't even enjoy or celebrate that win because I'd already be like, OK, what's next? What's next? I need to keep going. And I would constantly compare myself to what everyone else was doing. So like, oh, that person is doing this. Bless you guys and everyone's doing this or that person's doing that and they don't even have like great skills in that, but they're getting the opportunities. Why I need to hustle harder? I need to hustle harder. But like, looking back on it now that I'm in my 30s, I kind of see that. Speaker 1 I. Speaker 2 Wasn't really content in what my worth was without all those things. Like I had to enmesh my sense of worth with my level of productivity and achievement. If I didn't have those two things, then I honestly felt like crashing out. So I was like, what am I offering to the world? Like I felt like I wasn't offering anything. I felt useless. I felt stagnant, like, yeah, what was that worth? Which when I look back on it in retrospect now I feel sad for my younger self 'cause I think that's, that's a really sad feeling to have that my worth was only tied to my job and what I could offer because I am more than that. But did it allow me to reach incredible heights of certain things like in pageantry or in like honing my communication skills, etcetera? Absolutely. So it did serve a purpose. So I don't even know if I could answer the question of if I would go back and do it differently. But I also see the value of if I had more self worth in my inherent worth as a human being, as a person, then perhaps I wouldn't have been so consumed by needing to achieve a certain thing. And I would have hopefully wanted to do it because I had the joy of doing it or I genuinely enjoyed certain things, rather than I need to prove myself, I need to prove myself, I need to prove myself so. Speaker 1 When you went into pageantry, it's more of that like I need to prove myself going on. Speaker 2 Yeah, Like it felt like a little bit of a redemption story for me, but also mixed in with the feeling that when I did pageantry for the first time at 22 years old, I felt like I was made for this really corny. I'm feeding. But I felt like all of the things that I had been learning over in my life thus far up to that point had been preparing me to do that exact thing, like to be able to represent my country and to be able to speak publicly and to stand for something and to advocate. Like I felt like, I don't know, I felt like I was married where I was meant to be because I felt like all of my skills found their place. Speaker 1 There, Yeah, so. Speaker 2 It was that it was me wanting to put myself in like this is what I feel like I'm made to do or where I'm called to be. Speaker 1 So now when do you start enjoying it Like you me moment cabana? Oh Nah, I'm enjoying. Speaker 2 So Guru, it's in the moments where I get to hear from other people how my journey was able to impact them, whether it be like at my charity that I work with or people that tell me that I really inspired them in some way. Like, I really am so touched by those testimonies, but also the life I've been able to provide for my family that really fills up my heart. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, I was able to do this because of, you know, all that. Yeah. So go to those two things. Yeah. Better now where? Speaker 1 Do you find the drive? I think that's the hard one. As hungry as you were before would. Speaker 2 You correlate it to contentment or is it more that you're healed or that you have different priorities? Like what would you say that it's because of? Speaker 1 I think your financial security well before you were a NOPA so shepherd like a breadwinner. Speaker 2 Yeah, and I was so broke. Speaker 1 I lived alone, I don't get money from anywhere else, so I had to work 2-3 jobs. I really had the drive. I know we have the luxury of choosing what to do. How do we find the drive again? Rejecting Superficial Goals and External Expectations Unsatisfaction, the unfulfilled, which could be healthy idea. Next step not then Or what's next if true. So which is? I allowed myself the man to feel that way for a few years. Now I'm ready to welcome Marina or Mickey Lang. And we're like Single Ladies. I mean unmarried ladies. Sorry. We're unmarried ladies in our 30s. We're living a life, girl. So like. And. Speaker 2 Nobody would bring up such an interesting point like how ambition is usually correlated to a sense of survival or like there's there's that urgency here because but then I like so go to like, that's actually something that I really struggle with because back before I used to really be overly aware of what everyone else that I considered kind of in my same industry was doing. And so I'd be like, Oh my gosh, they're doing this or they have this opportunity or they're given this job back it by then I would analyze it and be like, OK, maybe that's my weak spot. I have to be better here. But I don't do that anymore for a really long time. I don't do that anymore since Segura. I was in my mid 20s, I stopped that. But my early 20s, I was quite rampant. Rampant. Speaker 1 The pressure I hate the most is you say yo-yo, how do I like what's my next venture? But when people ask me something like I have something interesting to say, I swear for a long years, these last few years, I know I'm fully aware. It's really just para support folio or a sense of security, then an ego. Ego. She's continuing something like she's still grinding. Like I'm still grinding, guys, for sure. Until when you're 40 or 50. Like put the brakes. The same. Speaker 2 Way what they think defines a very successful next thing for you. I don't know if you've received comments like that. Mine is always like, I don't know, it's actually usually those too long. Hollywood and Joanna International Hollywood. Speaker 1 In like standard. Speaker 2 Actress next big thing oh are my for Fashion Week international Ganap and I was like I don't know when I experienced Kanasigoro young Fashion Week and it's just not really my thing but there's also that feeling of like so if my next thing doesn't look like what they want it to look like it'll never you're gonna be enough yeah you're. Speaker 1 Still gonna fall short, yeah? Speaker 2 Tipa. So it's just really strange to navigate because uniquely enough, although I'm sure people feel maybe these comments from maybe peers or family members, but I received them from random people on the Internet. That's true. Speaker 1 I can imagine our viewers. It's a very familiar, very familiar territory for all of us. Yeah, I've even been pushed off. Like grinding Grinding. Speaker 2 Yeah, weird. It's really. Speaker 1 Really weird. Yeah, actually, how many hundreds and thousands? Like you. So what's next? Go and the risk of failing. Failures or falling short Luna no engagement from our community and people come up to you and like Nicole you Marks and Spencer's no digestive we're their company but like when they're driving or when they shower weird but. Speaker 2 When you're. Speaker 1 Showering scrub that body. It's like that into a real loofah. It Harpers bad to you. I know you're all gonna learn the expectations that it's so hard to try. Speaker 2 When? Speaker 1 They're like Oh my God, talaga. Speaker 2 As in, so it can be very discouraging because it's. Yeah, it's really hard to recreate that huge phenomenon that really happens in pageantry because even if you are access it, most of the girls either before there's dinner, after, don't accumulate that same kind of engagement or that same kind of publicity. Like the pageant really gives that to us. But it's just an expectation that's always put onto us as Queens and the constant comparison with the other Queens from around the world who have gone on to like have a famous husband or be in a Hollywood movie or whatever. So voila, long. I think it's just a really interesting place for us to be constantly put in. Also because the perception of what these people deem as the next big thing bar young, if you've been in this industry, it doesn't seem like the best thing. Also, I'm saying that for example, like go to Hollywood and try Hollywood. Speaker 1 We just seen your major briefings happened before. Or if you become Miss Universe, you're gonna walk the con and you'll be a bomb girl. Speaker 2 Oh, but then it's like 1. Is that something that I actually would find joy in? Am I actually wanting to pursue that? Is Hollywood somewhere I can imagine myself or somewhere I would enjoy, like placing myself or for example, the whole aspect of like you need a a super famous husband or whatever. It's like they might look good in paper, but it feels like such a fictionalized kind of goal for success and very pickle because it's yeah, it's about being rich. It's about being famous long. That's all that we are able to aspire for is being rich and famous. The reason we went into pageantry. So I just think. Speaker 1 It's weird destiny, why not for you to really get into it and work for it because you're not handed anything in this world really. It's like if there's one thing that rings true, it's that one like to get to somewhere to get that spot and then a lick of luck and then thank you. Like you. I think there's nothing compared to like wanting what you do. Yeah, like if you want it, but it sacrifice doesn't feel like a sacrifice anymore. Yeah, but it's also like, OK, not being on the pageant platform outside of it. I'm sure that people were also like one of the biggest hits before was Second Young Job. Good thing in capitalism. Which is, yeah, sometimes when you know in your passion more in the swell, though you don't want. Speaker 2 To sacrifice your values to climb that ladder. Speaker 1 Yeah, that's like it's a trigger point before they'll be like. How do you even know? Understand. So it's more of in the fear of being put under the spectacle now. It's still not enough. Pero. What if you're enjoying what you do, Pero, you valley Pala that they put in? It's gonna so aligning. Valley's Anila Pacquiao. Don't stop. So actually, this question really has a lot of, like, trigger points. We just wanted to explore why it feels so violent. Yeah. Or violated. I won't go along. It's like asking a question. Speaker 2 Question, but knowing that person doesn't have the answer that you're looking for. Not setting them up for not failure. No one. Speaker 1 I don't know or dead silence, but. Speaker 2 Really like every time I'm asked that question like so what's next? So what's next? I really feel like I could, I can answer questions till the cows come home. But then when I'm asked that. Speaker 1 I'm like, I imagine myself now out of a whole like you're feeling. Speaker 2 Absolutely. I completely 100% agree and. Speaker 1 Let us know guys if you also feel the same way when you're asking this question or if you're even asked this question. Speaker 2 But it's an experience that we go through long, But I imagine that it would happen and like, I don't know, friends that you catch up with for a really long time and then they don't know what's happening in your life. And then you catch them and say, so what's? Speaker 1 Next or even when you're quantoing, quantoing about your boyfriend and then they're like, so I don't next like what in what in next, next date. So, yeah, it's kind of a, it's just so interesting that that kind of question could shake you up in a way, Yeah. Finding Peace by Trusting Life's Unpredictable Seasons But they're bad. Speaker 1 But we hope we kind of found the good in that also. Speaker 2 Yeah, absolutely. And if maybe perhaps what our discussion is kind of resonating in you is, for example, like you're at a place in your life and you don't necessarily have any goals or things to aim for next for yourself. I think one that's kind of normal for certain seasons of your life, especially if you've reached a certain thing. It's OK to celebrate that and to remain there and to learn and look back, take two steps back and look back and see, oh, OK, like this is what I learned on that journey, getting there or coming to the certain point. But in terms of creating like that, I guess forward projection for yourself, my advice would be kind of like revisit yourself, like like to what you truly like and what fills up your cup and what you actually find joy in. I know that's kind of a privilege as well. I'm not talking about hobbies, but I mean like if you're in a career and you're asking yourself, OK, where do I go to from here? I'm coming back to your internal compass of values and things that you genuinely like. I think is a good place to start. This is. Speaker 1 A chill after the meltdowns. It'll come. Trust it'll come. Yeah. Be too impatient with yourself. Is it because lack of ambition? It's also just divine time, honestly. Yeah. Like, I've learned to trust the process. I had to go through that because this yes, sometimes, sometimes you still haven't found the equation. I wouldn't even say answer opportunity. Don't be too hard on yourself or don't be too impatient. Then what's next actually? Speaker 2 We just turn it into our life like. Speaker 1 Yeah, and and just work like make sure we have work, you know, it's a good. Speaker 2 Other reason that it gives us so much lack of peace is because literally the future is out of our control and even though you wanna do so much or visualize so much or do so like you can only control yourself. And that feels very limiting to like okay I want this in the future. But jumping off of what you said, like there is so much truth that sometimes that waiting period is just a repositioning of all the things. Oh, oh, Kasey Minson Baka, that person that you need to collaborate with is not yet ready or they're not yet in a position for you both to meet and to create that project that you want to. Or maybe, you know, it's Minson, it's just timing bin or like your change of mindset. But I think there's this comforting feeling of trusting that you have that desire or dream in yourself for a reason. Like I'll always say that like if if for example, you love cooking and you don't know why it's there, that desire and you don't know what to do with it, I honestly believe that's not by chance. Like you just have to hold on to that, develop it where you can and then just pray for the opportunity to come along where hopefully you can do something with that one day. And if not, I mean pursue it in your own little hobbies or feeding your family or whatever that looks like. Yeah, that's all you can really do. Speaker 1 Yeah, looking back, I wish that I was more chill. Like I wish like doesn't realize go OK if I stress about it right now about it like, yeah, for the opportunity to come sometimes right now Para Oh, OK. Speaker 2 I needed to learn this, but I needed to accept this. But it's still not linear for me. Yeah. So life is not linear. How 'Crash Outs' Fuel Personal Growth and Creativity Absolutely not. And it's not predictable. But I think something that's also interesting that I feel like we should bring up is we were talking about crash outs now. So we call it like our mini midlife episodes, like throughout the year. Usually I have them like twice a year before I must often shut a cow. You haven't really had one this year. I haven't had one this year. Speaker 1 Existential I have let go now opportunities. Yeah, like Obama getting busy with this, but your opportunities, Mayon it's also a culmination of the graduation for the nation of my life of persuasion of persuasion and this upcoming job offered in before. But now I'm like iOS 18 better this time. I have more authority because I have established my resume, My Portfolio for it. So trust, trust and. You go to like no, I thought assurance now, as you're at the Nicole know that the things that you are doing now. I had no mundane and I had not feeling more ruthenary going to work and on or just meeting people at work, blah, blah, blah. It all builds up absolutely to something talaga in the end opportunities do on Papaso and their opportunities. I'm getting now. You know what's next opportunities. It does have big you might not have been prepared for it like so really just trust and keep doing and choosing what you love you. You're like you said intentional now. OK, I'll accept this at the humor downside Neto at EU cup and you kept saying that the shop glasses it's not like the Cubs cat like with impossible handles and stuff. I gave this to her though yeah impossible handle. But yeah, I know like I think in your formula intentional and then you choose what you like then because before you job, school, Hindi opportunity to hone something, just do my best and make the most out of it. So what's next? Or you can't even envision what's gonna come next while feeling enlightened. Avatar State. Speaker 2 And. Speaker 1 Just a master you Avatar. I really just trust the process and even the dry seasons contribute to that because it's a dry season discussed crash out since we're on the topic of that. After that, that's when you get your most creative ideas, very responsive, like reactionary, reactionary to the situation. Oh no. What's next so suddenly? Speaker 2 I was gonna say like after a crash out because I have them quite often, often being like multiple times a year, and it's what my crash outs usually look like is I'll be experiencing some form of stagnancy. It'll either be that I am busy with work, but it's work that's not fulfilling me, or I'm doing a lot of work and everything's fine, but I'm not able to do anything. That kind of aids the bigger picture for me. Usually that looks like being involved in the community or like doing something that gives back. If I don't have that aspect, I kind of crash out a little bit because I'm like, I'm not making a difference to anyone but myself and I have a little existential moment there. Speaker 1 I think in the new, and this is the part of choosing who you are and what is valuable to you. Yeah, absolutely. Sorry, sorry. Speaker 2 And then or it'll be that I just don't have work for a certain period. And yeah, it's the panic that comes along with that because like I've mentioned earlier, like I spent a lot of my adult life entangled in the enmeshment of my worth equates to my productivity. So that fully triggers me into an episode. Usually I have to take a moment to feel my feelings. And that's usually I reach out to friends, I rant to my manager, I talk to my parents because I just need to vent and I need encouragement, honestly. And then usually in those dumps that I'm feeling, I will start to then when I'm ready, transmute my energy from. I'm so frustrated. I'm so unfulfilled to what do I have control over? I have control of myself and So what can I do with that? So usually like Yuma projects, go Yuma Cultura 101 go you can raise your flag series, go music like they all came out of moments of crash outs and I would consider them my best creative projects that I didn't do because there was buy at at the end of the day, it wasn't for a client, It wasn't to secure work because technically passion project Langsha. But looking back the last 6-7 years, those projects have without a doubt being the most fulfilling for me and without me knowing it have resonated with my brand partners with the paying opportunities because they equate that to me as a person. So they say to me, can't we value you because you're really active in the community burden or you're a cultural advocate. But being a culture advocate in my work is that doesn't pay anything like it's just fashion projects talaga. But to see that it resonates later on into fulfilling work and other opportunities are like, oh, that makes me feel so, so much better in the like the perspective of looking back and seeing that crash out turn into something nice, something good, beneficial. Showing Up and Trusting the Full Circle Journey What I'm also getting now from that is you don't have to look for a new version of yourself, but what can I do about you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaker 2 Yeah. Speaker 1 To the satisfaction of myself and other people also, tapas we try to fulfill you, try to fill in with like, oh, I'll try to be a different brand or a different character. At the end of the day, it's been inside you all along. The magic is inside you, but it's true. It's true. So I guess if we take away today since the Avatar State, Oh my God, the effects that I would put in this real, good Lord, it's to really just trust that you're enough now. And the parang, it'll come. It'll come, Yeah. Speaker 2 Whatever season that you're in, even if you hate it, steward it well, because as Nicole said, and I really believe it's true because I've seen it in my own life, in the life of others, like you are being trained, prepared, honed, even in a season or even in a place that you're like, I'd rather not be here, like steward it. Speaker 1 Well, show up, do your best. What is it? Well, yeah. Speaker 2 And then when the other opportunity comes, you'll be more prepared to take it. Speaker 1 You know, like always, do your very best at everything, Yeah, even if you feel like the company or the person doesn't deserve your best, young corporate girl decided. Speaker 2 Before. Speaker 1 I know that you burn out also, it comes from that so like do it for yourself but. Speaker 2 Also, so probably it like if you work with someone and they see your ethic in your workplace, like you never know how that's going to come back to you in the future. Backup dream job, Mozilla an employer and you just Co work Mozilla in one instance in a workplace that you hated, but because you showed up and you did your best, it opened up a door for you later. You never know. Speaker 1 Yeah. Full circle moments and everything. Like you meet these people, clients, clients. Yep, Yep. Speaker 2 Small, small world. Speaker 1 Yeah, before as pageant director, I need to connect with more suppliers and people. They're like, wow, full circle moment and so Brown say it. Yeah. So, yeah. Speaker 2 I love how we kind of navigated this conversation from So what's next? The pressure that comes with that and then the formula of OK resonate with what's in yourself, your, your desires, your dreams, your wants during the season. Well, show up, do your best, be kind 'cause you never know who you're working with or who you will work with again in the future. And just trust, right? Trust, trust in God, trust in the unknown, trust that it is working its way for your good. And one day we really believe. I mean, Nicole and I talk about this and we've seen it in our own journeys and we've seen it in the journeys of people around us. Like one day you will look back and be like, OK, I see how that all came together. Didn't know how at time, but now looking back, I see how that worked out. And that's pretty amazing. Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, and it always pays to stick to your principles and values. Speaker 2 We're gonna do an episode on that. We're gonna do. Speaker 1 A whole episode on that every time you had to choose your own principle and sacrifice the opportunity in front of you. But in connection long with what we said, what you want and what you're doing now is already aligned in yourself and you can just continue on that path. It's just different weather, snow season, choosing yourself, deciding that even if sometimes it hurts, sometimes it feels like a wasted opportunity, you know, like, did I make a mistake? I know these are thoughts that keep us up at night eventually. Oh, I planted that seed before, now it's a tree and good thing I use pesticide to get rid of some of the. Speaker 2 Yeah, I hope you guys garnered some pearls of wisdom from this conversation. As always, we love connecting with you guys. If you want to sound off in the comments, what are sometimes that you felt pressured and how did you deal with it? Do you have a formula that works for you? Let us know in the comments section below. You can find us on all streaming platforms, YouTube, and Spotify. As always, thank you for supporting 2 Steps Back. Speaker 1 Thank you everyone, I would like pearls and Nuggets. I wonder what next inanimate object wheels of thought. So we got seen the Thai after 8.