S1E125: Using Snapchat In A Relationship...

This podcast was recorded on the land of the Gadigal people of the urination Hey guys, it's cracking welcome back guys another week wherever you are Whatever you're doing. Thanks so much for joining us means a lot. Yeah guys this week on the pod We got an episode inspired by a little chat. We actually had On the pod a week or so ago when we dabbled into some fun debate style questions now the idea of flirting came up in that chat And then it evolved into like a chat about cheating and then micro cheating and Yeah, it seems that Judd put out that sort of like a call to you guys and it seems that the micro cheating Seems to be quite rampant should we define dating economy. Yeah, go nuts Well, I haven't got the actual definition of army, but I feel like it's just been made up anyway but basically, it's like a series of actions that Make you feel uncomfortable or you know a sense of betrayal that wouldn't necessarily be deemed as cheating for example Your partner liking photos on Instagram that you know that you wouldn't necessarily want them liking that would be considered like a Microcheat so it's not like you're not gonna dump them because they've done it But it feels like a betrayal, but you can dump them if you want. Well, yeah Most I feel like most people would have a chat first. You know what I mean? Whereas if someone straight up just hooked up with someone else. It's like, okay, see you later So there's like It's kind of like the the lead up to those things or Little things that yeah, just make you feel uncomfortable that that you would deem as inappropriate Everything non-traditional Cheating behavior that's been made more like accessible with like the internet and social media and Talking to people. You shouldn't be talking to or yeah starting conversations DMing people with you know The intention of making and some kind of connection, you know or yeah texting a colleague too much perhaps or something like that Yeah, so Joe put out the call and it was for microcheating specifically, so we did get The influx of stories and some of them were just like blatant cheater I know my partner's like I think you just excited to share that you would cheat on which is not nice But this is I had to filter out this into like microcheating specifically. Yeah, so yeah Just just so you know if I did not put yours in that sort of way But I always kind of find it interesting when we put out a call like this how many responses I get because it obviously is a bit of an Indication on like perhaps how you know rampant this issue is and I did get heaps and heaps of submissions this week And and people were very invested to share so Obviously, it's a very touchy thing being cheated on microcheater on so I think it hits a nerve with some people and they're Excited to sort of get it off their chest. I think especially because the behavior is the kind of behavior where people would then also Experience a lot Yeah, and that that has been has been put forward in a lot of them that essentially the other party argued You know that it wasn't the wrong thing until they're blue in the face that it's not actually cheating. Yeah, I mean so Yes, stay tuned for that last moment out at the end is from girl who says that she's getting frustrated not having enough alone Time with her partner, so we will attempt to help with it now as always before we dive old your experiences I'll ask jad if she's ever experienced the old microcheating. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, don't tell us about it I'll just say yeah, weirdly I think I feel like a lot Hates we'll just give us one then we don't need to hear at all because we want to get into other people's My partner at the time I was quite young, but he had asked I was talking to a girl online and telling her to go made up with him at a club that I wasn't allowed to go to because it was boy It's not okay So I feel like that's my grouchy because he's not done anything yet, but it's giving you're going to yeah, I was pretty Surely I mean like even if you made up with a girl and you just chat with her and you haven't actually hooked up with her To me the going to the club with another woman. That's a that's weird. Yeah, but like specifically Neglecting your partner from coming because you said you're always not and then riding another woman It's like pretty and I was so I was totally ghastly about it 100% was what did he say when you said that was inappropriate? How did you find out they did that? Well, I had a syncing suspicion and so I'm a theorist but not something that I'm proud of, but I will say I Was in the right to do so. I feel anyway. He wasn't very trustworthy Evidently, but how like what gave you the inkling that that like he was gonna randomly be meeting a girl that night He was just letting me say like I'm just going to the club with the boys tonight We're just gonna have a boys. Yeah, what was the being cagey with this phone like lots of messages I think I might might have seen something that was weird or very shoulder where I was like No, it doesn't look like you're messaging your mates or whatever I just snuck up behind him and then I had a looksy. Yeah, nice We did very upset. We did speak about when it was justified to look so that was just add that to the list I guess my migra cheating Once when I was dating a girl, I kind of just like felt uneasy Because there was this guy that would kind of like always Sort of hang around and then would like message her heaps, but like a little like inappropriate flirtatious things and she never sort of rejected it She kind of like you could tell it sort of enjoyed the attention and then like Never said like I got a partner like back up or leave alone. So kind of that He was sending it in a private stuff. She was almost like enjoying it and then wasn't Rejecting it, I guess like that was my experience for that and then they would like go and hang out like never alone But like together in a group which would always kind of like I'd be like I know he's gonna be cracking on to her I'll put in the moves on because he does it you know over phone a message so like when he's in person I'm not there. It's definitely gonna happen. So it just made me uneasy but that would be my like I guess it would be like the the lack of Rejection from my partner around receiving like flirtatious attention It's just yeah, it's like a lack of respect like You would expect your partner to do these things without you having to ask basically and it feels like it feels It feels frustrating and upsetting and irritating that you have to ask because it makes you feel like almost Am I like am I crazy for asking this of them and am I overreacting? You know like because that's how they make you feel at the end of it, you know, these kinds of people and it's nice Like I'm sure every person likes to be wanted like that's a nice feeling to be desired by others But yeah, but it's when you're when you're leading them on to believe that perhaps they could have you or you know like you're entertaining the idea I think that's when it's becomes problematic Yeah, so that's yeah, I mean pretty tame from us, but let's get stuck in but is micro it's a micro Yeah, some of these are like this and they're boring on macro macro. Yeah, all right first one says I was with someone for 10 years Just after our 10-year anniversary I came across a message on snapchat on my partner's phone This snapchat photo was from a married woman and the receptionist at the school he was teaching at they were exchanging Photos that weren't appropriate for people who were both in relationships I confronted my partner at the time and he tried to tell me that this was not cheating a few years later It came out again. He was living a double life with myself and another single mother once a cheetah always a cheetah Yeah, I feel like she started micro there. That's just cheating went macro I feel like even the first act was just like cheating the I mean we're not inappropriate photo We don't need to discuss the double life, but that's definitely cheating inappropriate photos Yeah, but I feel like that's cheating. That's a bit different to like just chatting to someone you shouldn't be chatting to Definitely like talking to a colleague at work. If it's like pertaining to work stuff and like it's not saying you can't be friends I need to talk just way out of it. That's crazy. Yeah, but sending like snapchat is not really the means for communication for people have been in relationships for 10 years Why do you have a why do you for starters have snapchat as a teacher who is very clearly not 18 years old or 16 I should say and in a long-term relationship. What do you have snapchat for? Sounds like to microchip to do that. Yeah, you shouldn't have snapchat in that position in your life I feel delightly up grow up. Yeah, I don't know That's like us being together for another few years because we're only at like 80 years or something I think this is nine and then acquiring is that acquiring would yeah, yeah, we'll be nine Cool man, but yeah, like us in two years time me just downloading snapchat and Just started you just send photos to Sheila Yeah, me and your teacher and then me being like fine when you tell me that it's not the wrong thing to do Yeah, but for years later. I'll have another life, so all good Yeah, that's that's cheating. Let's put that in the cheating category Cheat all right next time you need me to confirm that next one With an ex I got accused of cheating based on the color of a heart emoji I sent to a male friend context. I went to the male friends birthday and thanked him the next day via DM's said I hope he enjoyed his night with a red heart was told this would have been fine if the heart was another color like blue or yellow But apparently red is suggestive. I'd be interested to know the conversation around emojis and their meanings that is so Interestive that's very interesting because I would almost say - There's a plethora of people who would agree. Red emoji is inappropriate. - That's sort of like-- - You think all good, red emojis go ahead. - I don't think anything of it, like it sounds like just a nice. Like I don't understand what, if she sent a blue heart or a yellow heart, how does that change anything? - Okay, are there emojis that are off limits then? - Well, yeah, if you sent like, had a great night and sent them in the old egg plan or something, and with a bit of dripping water, and next to it, that'd be a bit weird. - But some, but that's what I mean. Some people think red love heart exclusively for partners. Other love hearts, you've got so many to choose from. Why couldn't you pick another color? - That, that's fair for them to think. I just think that's a bit odd. Like I think that's a bit lame. - In this scenario, I personally would say that if you've had a long term friend, who you've had a friendship with for a long time and you've thanked them for a nice night, and you've used a love red love heart emoji. In this instance, awkward. Maybe if the friendship was new, and it would-- - Wait, so you're advocating for the dude getting upset about the card? - I'm just thinking, right? I'm putting myself in dude's shoes. If you had a new friend, and you sent them red love heart, I'd be like, why, why that-- - Wait, so if I sent them blue love heart, or yellow love, I'd be all good. - They're not suggestive. - What's suggestive of? - Love? - But what's the blue one suggestive of? - Friendship. - And the yellow one. - Friendship. - Purple one. - Also friendship. There's plenty of friendship choices. This is what I'm saying. So it's like, it depends on the context of the friend, I feel, how close are you? 'Cause it's like, if I sent one to my friend Dimitri, like, whatever, I've known him since high school, no one's gonna be like, you sent a red emoji to Dimitri. But if I sent a red emoji to someone who I'd maybe met through the industry and was like a new friend, and that would be a little bit, I wouldn't do that. I would, I would out of respect choose different color. (laughs) - What? - Out of respect, I wouldn't care. Send someone 10 red hearts. It doesn't mean anything to me. - Oh, okay. I feel like, but you're not very text literate. That's the thing. - Yeah, that's the issue. - You're not very text literate. So unfortunately, Locke's text literacies, like, really bad. And he also writes texts as if they're emails. So he's, the lines for him are blurred with what isn't inappropriate. In this instance, I would say it sounds like it's all good, very innocent. We don't need to have an argument about that. But there are certain instances where I would say, yeah, the red love heart is reserved. - Oh my God, you would like to chat GPT the other week, just doing a little bit of both sides. - No, I'm just saying the context is important. - Yeah. - But I think there is a place where red love heart you shouldn't be using. There are some emojis, I think, also that are inappropriate. - Oh, yeah, hit us with them. - Um, like a wing key face. - We don't need to wink. There's plenty of other options to express your feelings. - But there's no need to say hope you had a nice birthday night, winky face. - Someone could do that though and then go, it's just an emoji, like, get over yourself. There's plenty of people who do that. That's microteating. Could be. Sounds like it. Don't you reckon? - I might hit it out. You could just do this chat to yourself. - Winky emoji, to me, microtechate. - Yeah, I mean, contextually is again. - Yeah, like you said, eggplant. You're not sending that and then lips and then the little wet one. Are you? We're not sending that. That's inappropriate. That's a series of emojis that should not ever be sent to anyone except your partner or someone you're, you know. - All right, so I think this is fine and then could be not fine, so very helpful. - In this scenario, sounds okay. - I think it's totally fine. I think your partner, perhaps maybe a little bit insecure about this person. - Yeah, I think in this scenario, or you're all good, but I think there are scenarios where it might not be all good. - Oh my God, all right, I'm going next to you. - I'm going next to you. - I'm going to hear about that. - Quickly this is important. I wouldn't send a red love heart to a colleague. - Okay. - Or my boss. - I would hope not, that would be weird. - But that's what I'm saying. So now you're saying, right? - There is a place. - I think I sent Zander a love heart today. And it was blue. - See? - But that's, you know why that is though? Because this is weird. - No, no, no. As soon as we had a kid, and it was a boy, I just started sending blue love hearts to everyone. - That's really nice. - Just for some reason. But we're having a girl now, someone after picking shoes. But does that mean if I sent Zander a pink one? Or a red one? You'd be like, oh, something's going on there. - I feel you would just like blind, but Zander would go, why is he sending me pink love hearts? - And then what, he text you and go, he locks, hidden on me? - Locks, just microchannel. Just letting you know. - Holy moly. - But anyway, my point is there's an appropriate place for that. And for example, if you wouldn't do it with your boss or your colleague, then obviously it means there's a boundary there. - 100%. - I feel like we-- - That's what you think guys, I want to know. I want to know what you think. Is there certain emojis that are off limits? (upbeat music) - Crown coins for single. - Winning never sounded so good. What would you do if you won big at Crown coins casino? - Real people win real prices every single day. - Hi, this is Michael from Georgia, I won 40K and finally renovated my home. - Visit crowncoins.com. Sign up in seconds, enter code Crown and get a free lucky real bonus. You may win up to 10,000 sweeps coins. Crowncoins.com, that's C-R-O-W-N coins.com. No purchase needed. Code valid for new users only. We're prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. - Crown coins for single. - All right, next story says. I was in a long term relationship with someone who went traveling for a month. And when he got home, he was a different person. He almost immediately started sleeping with his phone under his pillow. Snapchatting someone he'd met overseas who ironically was from our small town. He also tried to exclude me from social catch-ups because I assume his friends knew something that I didn't. He was reassuring me that there was nothing to worry about because she was a lot older than him. One time, I was able to check his messages and found they'd been planning a bucket list together and being very flirty. He never took accountability for it. He's now married to her. Bro, that's kind of like your one. - That's cheating. That's just cheating. - Yeah, but the initial part, I think she's saying, not that he's now with her, but that he was, you know, like, Snapchatting and keeping his phone secretly. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are microchetes, in my opinion. - A lot of people on the old Snapchat. Must be like a. - I'm telling you, Snapchat's not where you should be if you're in a relationship and it's long term and. - And you're over 12. - You're exactly not a teenager. It's just weird. If I met a man at our age who had Snapchat, I would immediately laugh at his face and say, "What for?" Like, are you talking to 12-year-olds? It's weird. - That is weird. - Anyway. - So what about this one? - That's cheating. He cheated. Obviously. - But at least, sorry, you're running a bucket list with someone, but she's old as though it doesn't matter. - Yes, that's true. - And I care how old she is. You know, I bucket lists with your mates. Almost like a matey bucket list. - He was doing what? - So you just met her. - What yours did to you was excluding her from social catch-ups. - Yeah. - Not because she was there, but because maybe he didn't want her talking to one of the friends and the friends slipping up about something happening with old mate. - That's bad. - What's bad? - Yeah, the exclusion. - Yeah, I know. - Anyway. - You probably feel that. - Obviously, ended badly, so. - Yeah, I mean. - Sorry to hear. - Snapchat seems to be the place to go if you want to microcheat at the moment. - Okay, this one says, a few years ago, I was dating this guy that was best friends with a girl he used to casually see. She was living overseas by the time we were dating, so I never met her and it was all virtual. The dynamic created insecurity because they would be messaging on or on a call for hours, tried to be cool and continued to brush it off. As the month went on, he would get defensive when I questioned why they would use love heart emojis and XX at the end of messages or say, love you often. Why are you questioning that even? - Who, what, sorry. After an argument we had about five months in, I decided to check his Apple Watch texts while he was in the shower. What I found was messages between the two of them debriefing on the entire argument we had, both calling the awful names. Him saying he'd rather be with her and all while he was crying, apologizing to my face an hour earlier, I broke up with him. Hell yeah, good. He admitted to me a couple of months later that it was wrong, yeah, and she had blocked him when she got into a new relationship herself. That's the only reason he admitted it is because he felt the same feeling and he went, oh, that's what it feels like. What a tool. - These are really staring up some emotions. - Where did men get the audacity? - I think you got a bit of microcheeing PTSD, my love. - Oh God, it's so irritating. The gaslighting is so irritating. - See, I think when we had the initial conversation, I mentioned something like this as well, like discussing your relationship in a proprio-- - Yes. - With someone of the opposite sex, who you're not friends with, I think, is inappropriate. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - If you have a relationship, go to your family, go to your friends, go to someone who you know has-- - Well, your ex partner. - Yeah, or semi-slightly romantic feeling towards you or is flipped whatever, but you're definitely not an ex partner, like ragging on your current partner. - Horrible, calling your name, Stephen, not just divulging for a shoulder to lean on, which is bad anyway. - That'd be so tough to imagine reading that. - You've had a battle with your partner. - Oh, I'd be huge. - I've been seeing that he's been messaging States who you hate about how bad you are. - I don't know what I do. I don't know if I'd storm into the shower and just guns blazing or if I'd leave and do something really sinister before I left. - Like toothbrush toilet. - No, not that, something. - Well, he'd be in the bathroom, so he wouldn't be able to get away with that. - Make life in connection. meaning in in in some way and then just ghost him because people hate that. Being ghosted? Yeah, like out of nowhere with no reason. Like he would have a no. He would never know that you found out. He'd just guess. Yeah, but where do you leave? And you just pick or leave the Apple Watch messages open on the bed and just walk out. That's yeah, that's like a music video. It's like ganna. Is it like a music? Yeah, yeah, from the 90s to an American or early 2000s. Feels like a music video slow motion tossed Apple watch walk out of the door in slow motion. The girls got big hoops on. Don't you reckon? You said don't you reckon a lot? No, I don't. I just think it would be I just had a vision. It was like it's beautiful. I think in pictures. Yeah, sometimes I can tell. Yeah. Okay, go next story. He says my partner would regularly message women he had met on his travels when he was much younger all while we were in a relationship. Some had been intimate within the past being young and naive when we met. I never even thought about it. But now that I'm older, I've put my foot down and said there's no reason for him to maintain these pen pals, especially when he's had sex with most of them. He literally stayed in contact with these women for 15 years. That's how long you put up with it for. I feel like it's the equivalent to how men would send love letters in the olden days. But instead of to just me, it's to lots of women all around the world. You're such a loser if you're doing that. Are you still together? I mean, it sounds like it. She said she's put a foot down. Oh, so it's like to me, that would be I said, hey, don't do this anymore. And he's adhered to that request, you know, so much, but it seems like holding on to that, you know, like these women and you had an experience and you they desired you at some point and it's like holding on to that relation. Like what are you talking to? Do you still have a lot for me 15 years ago from Portugal, like keeping them on hit the radar just in case that's so lame. Just if any if you break up with your misses, you'll find someone else, like you'll have a look around. You don't need to keep some men do this. I'd like to collect women 15 year old flame. Yeah. Why don't you just collect the phone number, though? And then you don't need to like collect it makes them feel powerful. Like I have all these women who are still interested in me. Yeah. Maybe yeah. It could be a weird little. It is a little kink thing. But yeah, sometimes I read it and I'm like, I'm like, you're a much better person than me. Yeah. I'm just doing that. I just feel like I wouldn't tell that for a second. Yeah. I got upset at you once when your ex-girlfriend sent you a birthday message. And I was like, and you replied. And I was like, how dare you reply to that? You know, remember we were we were in Spain. I remember it vividly in pictures. No. What were we doing? Who was it? Who was it? Who was it? Like old old ex? You have to leave the name out. It was. Oh. It was your, so it was like an ex who you had a good relationship. Like you ended on fine terms. Yeah. So obviously a part of me was like, they don't hate each other. Like I hate all my exes. So there's no chance of me, you know, rekindle. But in my head I was like, he could, he could decide that she's the one for him. And so when she sent you birthday message and you replied, I was like, I, I think I felt like you should have at least asked me first if it was appropriate to reply. So anyway, do you feel the same now? Like if she'd message you have a birthday? No, no, like not being 23, 24, like just being a little bit more mature. I think I wouldn't care as much because we're married and we have kids. Like there's less to be insecure about, you know, sure, but I'm saying now, like do you think that that was? Oh, now do I think at the time was it? Yeah, it was at warrant. At the time it was, it was in line with who I was as a person. Sure. Which was a bit insecure and, and wanting to defend what I felt was mine. My owner, I would love to, I would love to read the message to see how I responded to see if I was like any reason. No, no, you were just like, Hey, thanks so much. But you've done little exes that piece me off. Oh, the exes didn't need to be there. Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for the virtual case. I can't live. You don't remember this. We had a huge fight. And I was like, I really don't want to start a fight on your birthday, but. Oh, it was on my birthday. It was your, it was a birthday message you had replied to. Were you having a little gaze over the shoulder again? Master. What did you go through my phone when I was in the position? No, I saw, it seems like behavior that's really, I saw who you were talking to. Oh, okay. And I was like, that's weird. Why are you messaging your ex? Yeah. Okay. I'm very, I'm very sorry again for doing it. And I'm super sorry for. Anyway, my point is I wouldn't let that fly. That would not be like something. I'd just be like, okay, all good. Continue messaging, your ex lovers for the next several years. I would shut that down then and there. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. But messaging ex lovers is a bit different to yearly maybe getting a message just saying like, hey, how have you got to have your world? I'm saying the happy birthday message is like more acceptable. So getting messages from these random women all the time. Oh, yeah. I feel far less acceptable than birthday message from ex, you know. Yeah, this is very odd. Yeah. I think your partner has some stuff going on. Yeah. If you're talking to someone, you'd start with 15 years ago and trying to keep that alive. It's when you're in a relationship is very odd. Yeah. Very odd. I'm glad you shut it down there. Crowncoins.com. That's C-R-O-W-N coins.com. No, purchase needed. Code valve for new users on void were prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and addition supply. My boyfriend was messaging my sister. Then he was one hunt. Well, one thousand percent gaslighting me and making up excuses as to why he had to message her. It was nonstop. They would hide their phones from me and at one point she was receiving all the good morning messages that I wasn't. That relationship didn't last long, but it sure caused some emotional damage. Oh, that's so eaky. In this scenario, right? That's a cheat. When I read that, I was like, if it was my sister and some dude I was dating or like in this chick's case, I don't care about the dude. Like flog him off whatever. Yeah, but your relationship with your sister. If your sister's hiding the fact and you feel her saying like, hey, what are you saying to John and like, let me have a look and she's hiding it from me and stuff. I mean, your sister's doing the wrong. So I'm not close to the betrayal. Yeah, who cares about the random bloke you're dating? Like, you're blood. It's your sister, it's your family. Yeah, that's really sad. Double whammy. I would double homicide. Yeah, I dare say like that's kind of on the system more than the the boyfriend. Oh, they're both in the wrong. Obviously, that's horrible. Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe you would you come back from something like that with your sibling? Like is that kind of like, yeah, we would just so stupid. I don't think I don't think I would never talk to you sibling again, even if it was like something. I mean, I would get to a point where I'd be amicable for the sake of my parents or whatever. Sure. You know, like, but I wouldn't have any kind of relationship with someone who'd be willing to do that to me. Would it change if like, you'd been just dating them for a month or if you'd been dating them for three years, you know what I mean? No, because if you're messaging them at the time, no, that's just like, if you're really in love with my boyfriend and my boyfriend's in love with you, the least you can do is wait and then have a conversation with me about it down the line after we've been broken up for some time. Do you know what I mean? What's the appropriate time? At least it depends on how long the relationship was for. Well, I don't know if it's three months, I would wait a year. If it's like five years, I would wait a lot longer than that. Three months, okay, well by three months down as you've got to wait a year, you've got to wait four times the length. Not necessarily. Oh, okay. So if it was two years, do you have to wait eight years? No, like four. No, two, two, two years gets two years. Two years gets two years. So long you date, actually, less you have to wait. Yeah, so you better break up and then, you know, anyway, we don't need to get into those semantics, but that's cool. Yeah, that's that's good. Oh, sorry. Next story says, not me, but my friend's boyfriend got caught liking another girl's stories after we were looking at her Instagram page on his phone. We had seen that throughout their entire relationship. He'd actually been liking her stories. Mind you, this girl is very attractive and kind of known for her dot, dot, dot assets. She got upset and went to bed and forgot about it in the morning. My boyfriend and I were there when I unfolded and we both agreed this is not the kind of situation we would just be okay with. How do you forget about that? He also was still texting other girls. He had relations with previously whilst they were dating. He never saw them or did anything to actually cheat, but this man is the CEO of microcheating. Yeah, that's still together. Okay, hella microcheating. Hella, I feel like that, but the thing that worries me as well is the microcheating is a gateway. It's a gateway drug. Yeah, see what you can get away with, right? To the macrocheating. And it would be likely that if someone is conducting behavior like this regularly, they could already be cheating on you. You just don't know it yet. Yeah, well, did say they're like okay. You never saw them or did anything, but like how would you know? But also when it when like this was obviously not the person running and it was Hey, I experienced this with my friend and she's saying like you know He's a bit of a dodgy guy and they're still together. I feel like it's your responsibility as the friend to go to your friend and go Hey, your partner does all this really dodgy stuff. He treats you really poorly Perhaps like you have a chat to him and tell him to reel it in otherwise like this is not gonna work because you don't deserve to be treated like this Maybe they've already had those chats and she just stayed with him and then it gets to a point where you It doesn't mean you have to only have the chat once you can put your friend over it again and say hey, he's still doing these things Yeah, but if they're not listening to you then all of a sudden you become the bad guy in their mind Because you're just giving them information. They don't want anymore They don't want to hear it. They don't want to borrow it They want to keep their head in the dark and then you're the bad guy because you're just bashing on their partner who they're pretending as a good person And then they don't want to confide in you as well because then they're going to be embarrassed when something does happen And they need someone to talk to and you're gonna be like told you so and they don't want that Yeah, I mean this is what happens in toxic relationships Definitely possible if they just withdraw if they said to specifically I want to keep my head in the sand I don't care these doing that. They're not gonna say those words They're just gonna they're just gonna like coast over it and act like it's not a big deal Yeah, but if you have the conversation and they say yeah We actually we did have a chat about it like and he says gonna reel it in and then you notice that he's not doing that Then don't you think it's fair to then have the conversation and go like hey, he said he was gonna do these things a bit differently And he's yeah, but who's to say he said he's gonna reel it in I'm just saying your your friend said she might want to live in the dark And just ignore that it's happening. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like you have a responsibility as a friend Yeah, you do, but you have a responsibility to say it once or twice and then just accept that like that's it They're not like they don't want to hear it. People need to choose for themselves They need to like make their own decisions in life and they need a want to help themselves and some people just don't And unfortunately you just have to wait until they figure it out unless you want to become there like you then Become an enemy of theirs because they just feel these every time you talk to them They feel like negative and anxious because you're like they feel judgment from you for that kind of criticism You know, so it's tricky. There's a fine line between being a good friend and you know telling someone the truth and then letting them Come to their senses themselves like it's hard Fair enough. Yeah, I saw one who's been there on either side. Oh, okay. Oh, this is a long one Okay, strapping I had an ex who microteated and continuously gaslit me into thinking it wasn't cheating He started a new job that was five foe and spent periods of time away from home one weekend He went camping with his co-workers instead of coming home mind you this was over Valentine's Day Stroke number one he had told me he was going to share a tent with one of the other boys and that they wouldn't have Reception until they got back the day that they returned I asked how it was and asked to see any pictures that he had taken amongst all the pictures he sent through There was a picture of the guy he was meant to share his tent with who was sleeping in his car I asked why he was sleeping in the car and he said because all the tents were full I asked who he slept with if it wasn't that guy and he started and admitted he shared his tent with one of the other girls that he worked with I was obviously shocked and asked him why and if anything happened between them He said that she tried to spoon him. They were supposedly drunk and he led her until he realized how much he loved me and moved I'm sure I'm sure she wasn't laughing guys when he said that I know and moved her arm off of him We were together. Oh no, we were together for six and a half years at this stage That's crazy in the week to follow it was his birthday At mid-birth a facetime he hung up because someone was at his door. It was her I called him back and asked why he hung up and he said he didn't mean to he said that she had left a note in his door saying Happy birthday X and had been waiting for him to leave his room to walk with him into the mess hall But it was because he was taking a while and talking to me on the phone that she decided to knock It's giving you're in a full-bodied relationship. Hey Yeah, we spent a very long time arguing about it about how it wasn't cheating because the other girl knew he had a girlfriend I knew there was more to the story especially if she was doing a little more than just being friendly and he always defended her We broke up over a year later and when he came to drop off my things He's apple watch showed that she had sent him a snapchat Oh Snapchat again to this day. I believe he was micro cheating even it was just even if it was just him being overly friendly Oh, he was definitely you don't need to believe it I hate to break it to you. That's he's cheating. That's cheating. Right? He was probably doing you know Judges I think he lied about the snuggle. I don't think he's going to know for five four. I think you might have been doing Yeah, that's a tough one He's living a double life isn't he yeah the old FBI looking at the photos seeing the girls meant to show a template That's that's good for me. Yeah, I love that. I love that you know I'm like I see in his car. How good was the line she spoon me I realized I realized I was in love Is that like can you just use that line ever like oh we started sleeping together and then midway through I just realized how much I loved you so I stopped like does that just negate yeah And then he also said he also said it's not cheating because she knows I have a girlfriend. Yeah That's the reason that makes it not cheating because she knows yeah, I don't I don't understand how I don't know if people put up with this behavior like that's that's the issue right the gaslighting it makes you feel Crazy I've been in a relationship where I've been ghastlet to the nines and I genuinely started thinking I was the problem I was like it's me I'm unreasonable for wanting to see my partner more than once a fortnight Like that's what I believed you know, so like you've got your rose colored glasses on you think this person's great And then they start telling you little things that make you feel like oh no, this is normal and I'm I'm I'm reaching and I'm being crazy And like I'm not letting him have his freedom and if I don't let him have his freedom Then he's gonna want to leave me, you know, like it's all part of the game six and a half years into a relationship If I went on a camera trip and there were girls and boys involved and it was like a worth thing and then Like it ended up randomly who knows how it happened That it sounds like they were close outside of before this trip right but let's say randomly I got divvied up and put in a tent with a girl and I was in a relationship for seven years. I'd go I'll probably sleep in the car like someone else can take my spot or like let me sleep with one of the lads like I'm not gonna sleep in a tent with a Woman female it's just not appropriate. So I don't understand how I mean, obviously it sounds like maybe something was going on before this cabin trip. Yes, you know, it sounds like they've already developed a You know some form of a friendship And his life work hubby sort of this camping trip was probably an exciting time for them to spend some alone time together outside of work All right, so I'm let's do one final story and we're ending on something a little bit different this person wrote to me and said And it's funny. They actually wrote from a fake account So they it wasn't there was a zero post zero. Yeah, it was a burner account right and said so I'm adding myself as someone on the other side I met a guy through work connections and we developed a close friendship where we talk to each other every day I know he has a girlfriend, but I don't know a name or anything about her Mainly because I think if I know more I'm more complicit I've told him where the line is and to make sure it's not crossed But what I do know is that if I was her I'd feel extremely uncomfortable about our relationship But from my point of view I feel very selfish because it's so nice to have someone that genuinely checks in to see how I am brings me treats He's even tried to bring me supplies when I'm sick, which I have declined as I think coming to my house is a step too far Sounds like you've worried about if he comes to your house you'll Take you close off. Yeah, thanks for your admission. Yeah, it's not like at least you know But let me just say you're already complicit you're not knowing No, no, it doesn't really change the fact that you're knowingly sort of it would actually make it harder for you I think to let it continue What do you mean to explain having information on the girl? Would make all because you Want it to be hard? Are you like that you want you want to keep having the fun? Sure, maybe it was a lovely person and yeah, maybe it would be you'd see a more as a human and that you were perhaps Yeah, wrecking something, but I think once someone's already doing this with you It means they're open to do it with anyone. So it wasn't you. They'd probably be doing it with someone else They need people need to remember if they're willing to do this with you They're willing to do it to you. Yeah, most likely. Yeah, it's tough It's very rare that you're in a situation like this and then you become the exception to the rule like that's not you know It's just not how it goes There's also plenty of people that will check on you and bring you stuff Yeah, a lot of people you don't this is not the only guy. So keep turning over the rocks and having a look That's a very baseline level of expectation from a partner or someone you like even Yeah, but I just say cut it off trying not to know anything about us not really help I think you should cut it off and tell her your kind of the Not not not the good guy in this scenario. Yeah, you should tell her. Yeah, well I just will you'll redeem yourself slightly by being honest. No, I just think you need to cut it off Nothing good's gonna come from it and if you ever have a relationship with this person Let's say he leaves them and you guys kick something off you'll always be worried that he'll be doing something similar to you throughout the relationship It's such an odd it's such an odd position to be in when you're starting a relationship or something romantic with someone who's cheating on a partner to be with you You know, it's like Yeah, I don't know it would always have me double guessing. Yeah, I don't know maybe food for thought. All right guys, thanks for your little submissions. We did have a couple more, but maybe we can run it back another week. I didn't even open like 50 of them because I read these and I'm like, "Oh, these are fun." So yeah, maybe we can run it back with another episode if you guys did enjoy these little microcheeing stories. And I'm sure it'll bring up a lot of emotions for people who go, "Fuck, that's happening to me." "Fuck, that's happening to me." "Fuck for me." I don't know, Jaddleook. Jaddleook rocked off of that episode. Winning never sounded so good. What would you do if you won big? Had Crown Coins Casino, real people win real prices every single day. Hi, this is Michael from Georgia, I won 40k, and finally renovated my home. Visit crowncoins.com, sign up at seconds, enter code crown and get a free lucky real bonus. You may win up to 10,000 sweepscoins, crowncoins.com, that's c-r-o-w-n-coins.com. No purchase needed. Code Val for new users, on the void, we're prohibited by law. 18+ terms and conditions apply. Crown Coins Casino! All right, I asked my mom and dad guys to end and says, "Hey guys, could really use some advice. I'm in a relationship with a guy. I really love but I feel like I never actually get any quality one-on-one time with him because his best mate is always around. Don't get me wrong, I like his mate and I'm not trying to be the girlfriend who says it's me or your friends, but surely it's a reason we'll want some alone time with your partner. How do I bring this up without sounding jealous, controlling or like I'm trying to push his best mate out of his life? I feel bad but at the same time I'm starting to resent both of them which obviously isn't ideal." I feel like there's a lot of ways you could bring this up. It's not a very dramatic thing to say, "Hey, sometimes I'd like to spend time with you without Steve." You know that song? "You and me and us and your friends, Steve." Sometimes people let things go on too long, so then it becomes like the norm in a relationship. I say you've been within a year and you've allowed him to be part of everything that you do for a year. It's like me all of a sudden having an issue with someone who you speak good friends with being around us all the time. Am I ever to know who you're talking about? Yeah. Okay. I'm a bit lost. We can talk about later. But I'm saying once you, like the partner might think that the behavior with his best friend is totally fine because she's never said anything about it and hasn't really communicated her feelings. So maybe that's why she thinks it's a harder conversation than it is. Because it's weird now out of the blue to be like, "Hey, I don't want Steve or her." I think you just need to be very plain and simple and sit down and say, "Hey, listen, just want to have a quick chat with you." Absolutely nothing wrong with Steve, loving to bits. We spend plenty of time together. But I think that sometimes there are times where I'd like you to myself and it feels like I'm sharing your time a bit more than I'd like to. And so maybe we can just have a bit more romantic time together. Nice. Use that. Package it like that. And then he'll hear the word romantic and he'll go, "Oh, physical intimacy." And he'll get excited. And then he'll be like, "Yeah, for sure." He'll go, "We can't make it wrestle with Steve here." So let's do that. Yeah, I mean, you're very. So you've just got to approach it. Like, don't do it when you're in the middle of an argument. Don't bring it up when you're fighting. Don't bring it up when there's hostility in the air. Bring it up when everything's nice. You're having a really good time together, you're whatever. And then say, you know, do it face to face. And then, you know, just politely let him know. Like, I'd like to spend more time with just you. And I'm sure he'll be like, "Yeah, no worries." If he's reasonable. And if not, and he kicks up a stink and there's a whole issue, he might be in love with Steve. So just seek a bisexual. Could be. Interesting. Interesting take. I'm saying if he's got a real big problem with it, because I think most people would be like, "Yeah, no worries." Or, yeah, I mean, yeah. Like, why would anyone have an issue with that, right? I don't know. You literally just told us a story that you had to buy for attention from your partner, want to spend more time with you than once every fortnight. Yeah, but it wasn't one person who was around. It was just like him not being around me. Sure. I think I still think it kind of, you know, fits. Like, what if he, like, he's happy to spend time with his misses, but as long as other people around, because he doesn't really want to spend time with his misses? Like, it's well, yeah, that could be the case. And that's what I'm saying. If he has an issue with it, then that's a different problem. Then you have a relationship issue, not a time issue. Yeah, good to find out. You have to have the conversation. Could go one of two ways, all the best related options. Let us know how good it is. Good luck. Good luck. And we hear you, and you're so valid in how you feel. And if, you know, and if the push comes to shove, you could start microtating. Yeah, but don't push it or shove it. Guys, much love, appreciate it. Thanks for riding in, always. Thanks for tuning in. Your stories make the pod. We love you, I mean, trust you in the coming weeks. See you. Bye.