S06E18 | Hold Up

Wouldn't it be easier to drive straight to Gotham instead of making all these stops? Well sure, if you're boring, but I haven't been to Metropolis in ages. How about you? Yeah, I guess it's been a while. It's practically a vacation. Next to which not stopping implies sleeping in the car, and that's a contradiction in terms. That's not so bad when you have to, but the hotel has a mini bar, right? That's your ass. Fully stalked. I checked before we left. I'll need it to make sure I fall asleep before you do. I'll take the moon shine and you can have the mother's ruin. Suites me. I should be able to get a couple of half decent martinis out of it. So straight gin then. Well less of a dry martini and more of a drought. Your little detour sure piled on the miles. We'll be back in Gotham tomorrow. Are you in some kind of hurry? Can't say there's much for me to go back to. Hey look, this bar is doing a trivia night. And? So we should do it. Why? Ugh, must I say it? You don't say it anyway? Well you're somewhat intelligent. I'm a noted genius. I mean we could school these people, sweep the floor with them, experience the high of winning, and maybe even get a little trophy. Are you in your trophies? It's like to be a giant t-shirt. A place like this. Then I'll give it to Wayland. Would you be so cold as to deny him? I just had to drag Wayland into this, didn't you? Oh come on, it'll be fun. Ugh, fine. Dry at least get a drink out of this. Hmm? Oh, how rude of me. Here, get yourself something nice. Never say that again. You want something? Orange juice. Don't want to impede the precious grapes. God forbid. I like the ending sacked in there 100 times. This calls for the green thundering thing. Hmm, teen name. Oh, nothing too obvious. Yes. Here. Did you at least get a decent scotch instead of your usual shot of ethylene glycol? Didn't have that. So I had to use up all your money instead. Happy to hear it. All right, you're welcome to Trivia and I, everyone. Uh, we have several rounds and a prize for each. The, uh, one condition is that no team can win more than one round. Okay. One round and we cut out. Search me. All righty. Question one. Like colorless, odorless gas has the chemical formula. C2H6. Well. F-A. I knew you'd be useful someday. Question two. In Greek mythology. How many graces were there? Three. What about this graces? I think they prefer to be called the sirens. Get beaten for that. They love me. Don't tell them though. No promises. Question three. The Pyrenees separates which two European countries. You know that? Of course. France and Spain. Question four. Who invented the typewriter? Henry Mill. Still use mine. A classic though. Ultimately traceable. Huh. Good point. I guess I have to send things with the email instead. There's no article you boob. It's just email. Fucking Christ your embarrassing. That's what I say. The email. There it is. Twitch. Twitch. Question five. Which garden is considered among the seven wonders of the ancient world? There's eyes when you need it. What's the hanging gardens of Babylon? Pamela's not necessary. Tell me how you really feel. I'm careful. She'll turn us into decorative shrubbery and prune off the protruding branches. Question six. What is the oldest surviving printed book in the world? The Diamond Sutra. Was that a sex thing? No. No it is not. Then how old is it? Dated at 868 AD. And how the hell do you know that? I enjoy books. You make bibliophilia seem like a fetish. How do you know it is? Well, just don't snap the bookshelf. Question seven. Question seven. What is a LaFete Rothschild? Easy money. What is that? Damn. You're right and is worse than mine. And I'm the doctor. Oh come on. You never learn to read upside down. What's the point of that? So I can see how well I've done and getting myself misdiagnosed. I know what I am. So what is it? It's a wine. Lucky for you I have expensive drinking taste. And speaking of, this is a screwdriver. Not orange juice. Oh you taste it huh? Just barely. It's Icelandic vodka. Damn, that's some palate you got there. Said the smoker with no taste buds. Never did me any harm. I've seen you eat styrofoam. That's the only way I could get the coffee out of the cup. Well then enlighten me to your reasoning. Besides general incorrigibility, why is there liquor in my juice? I've just seen if you could still sweep the floor with a couple brain cells tied behind your back. All right then. Challenge accepted. Dance monkey dance. Sorry for the delay there folks. Question eight. Which popular British television show about collectibles began in 1979 and is still running to this day? Oh I know this. Antiques Roadshow. You watch that? Like I have time to watch television. Harvey loves it. You cannot tell me he told you that. He wouldn't tell me what he had for lunch. He thinks we don't know that he schedules the same meeting at the same time every week. He locks himself in his office to watch it. The last thing you've done, fit in with that slick image he's cultivated. The funny thing is, I've never seen him flip forward. They agree on it. Question nine. Is that theoretical knowledge backed up by empirical evidence? Perhaps with a siphon hose? I could be more like nine and a half because you can actually squeeze the brain out like a spun. All right Frankenstein enough. Sweet mercy. I'm just putting down nine. Final question. An omburk tan? What is the seventh planet from the sun? What are you? Twelve? Write it down then Mr. Mature. I can't. A answer shake. Give me the damn pan. There. Your aim is. You're supposed to write the answer. Not sign your name. Fuck off. Alrighty. Now we'll collect up the answer sheets and we'll find ourselves a winner. What'd you reckon our chances are? I'd be a touch more confident if somebody hadn't doped me but I think we're fine. Oh forgot sake. You make it sound like I slipped your mickey. A chemical compound intended to alter or impair one's mental state? I'd say it was as good as. I shook it off though didn't you? To the untrained ear one could take that as a compliment. But? A compliment from you is basically water from a stone. Would you rather see me fail? I excuse the results. I keep an open mind on how things play out. Ah ha ha. There's the true essence of chaos. Swing the bat and see what happens. Right. I can see why Harley got you in the Joker confused. And that's just fucking rude. Take that back. Alrighty. So with a perfect 10 out of 10? Oh we have. Rittle me Grids? Damn I'm clear we see that. Right here. What kind of name is that? I couldn't put anything honest could I? We have been arrested. Yeah well that would put a cramp on the evening. And what size would you like there? Oh let's see. He'd be about a. 3xL. One of those. There you go. Much obliged. Wow would you look at that. A big old T-shirt. Oh it says perfect 10 on it. Whalen will love this. Right are we going? Yeah. I want to hit that minibus. Might as well get my money's worth. Think you can refrain from giving me nightmares this time? Ah if you don't annoy me sure. Well that's me doomed. Damn right. It's quiet tonight. Mmm people must be staying indoors. Yeah no boy scout to come to their rescue. Should they come a cropper? Though I here tell the bat has been around. He must be run off his big black boots. Late night jogger? I guess our night's about to get more interesting. Looks like. You too. Give me your money. This is a robbery. Oh. Hell. Two innocent citizens partaking in an evening stroll beset by Miss Adventure. Where's a beitated superhero when you need one? Band. Remember? That was rhetorical. Didn't you notice that? That was totally rhetorical. I was asked supposed to know. Hey. Hey. Hand over your wallet unless you want to die. I'd have preferred stand and deliver. Your money or your life maybe? Something with style. Alright. Let's cut to the chase. What? How much for you to piss off? You think this is some kind of game? You fucking freaks! *laughs* I'd say it's a game now. How about it big guy? You wanna play catch with the rookie? Oh, you know I do. Alright kid. Let's play. Clay! You're about to get our undivided attention. You ready? I'd say this gun is ready. Oh how dull. I noticed he didn't even demand your wallet. Do you even have one? Imagine I must have somewhere. People just give me a stir. Hey! What happened to undivided attention? *laughs* Oh dear. *laughs* How about you answer my original question first? Well, how much you got? Do you know I've lost track? Permit me a moment to find out. John Holbeshirt won't you? Yep. Let's see. Driver's license. Other driver's license. Yeah, I mean you still can't drive wherever you're damn. Now John, no one likes a bitch. Where are you out of no? You're becoming more human by the day. Oh wait. This is my card wallet. Ruffian, hold my coat. What? I don't. Find whatever. Here it is. I'll take that back now. Right now. And this. Hey! What'd you do? I whipped the gun out of your hand, obviously, to try to keep up. *laughs* Not bad. Worthy of Selena, and you know it. Selena? Oh, right. The cat lady. Oh, oh, oh, oh, remember that. Here. You like this type? Huh. 30X Special. Well used. Maintained. You steal this from a cop? No. Well, that's a yes, if ever I've heard one. But how did you get a hold of a cop gun? Hard to picture you taking it from someone's cold dead hang. Hey, I need that back! *laughs* Step back, son. Oh, he needs it back. You know what that means? You stole it from your old man. Who told you that? Why? You did. *laughs* Isn't that. precious? You're a law-breaking. Ain't helping your late and daddy issues. You should get yourself a good shrink. I recommend carving out a niche myself. Then what. What happens now? Well, you showed me yours. It seems only polite that I show you mine. What? Oh! 1866, Daringer. Sexy thing, isn't she? Yeah, very. As for you. Not so much. Bad mannered. Disrespectful. Clumsy. Bringing the whole occupation into disrepute. I should kill you simply for the disrespect. That just. Rubs me the wrong way. Please don't. Now just one shot would do it. Right between the eyes, you wouldn't feel a thing. Practically an act of sweet charity for one so wretched as yourself. Ah, you're breaking my heart. And then, when daddy comes to see you laid out on the slab and stairs right through the hole in your head to the other side, what do you think will go through his head? Sadness. Disappointment, maybe. Generous. I'm thinking. Relief. Finally, he's thinking. I'm free. No more cover-ups. No more shame. No more disgrace on the family name. I hear look like he's sad, but inside. it'll be so happy. 'Cause he can't fuck up when you're dead. Daddy's little boy could only screw up the courage to be bad when the big blue boy scout left. But fate intervened when he got two people who between them have filled Gotham Harbor with the stupid, the careless, and. the unlucky. Or in your case, all three. Gotham? Oh. there goes all the color in his face. Must've started thinking. So you're from Gotham. So what? So notice how we're. How would you put it there? Not young, not dead, and not afraid of some quivering virgin with a stolen hand cannon. I wouldn't pay to shine my shoes. That's it. I guess running's out of the question. Do you want your COD to be a shot in the back? Really? Has some pride. Indeed. Now, what are we to do with you? I prescribe a course of prolonged treatment. Excellent. Let's warm up by having you strip to the last stitch. Why? Why, he asked, of the man with the gun. Well, I reckon if you aim for the brain, you'll probably miss. Yeah, tell you what. You say pull, and I'll make his head the launcher, and you can hit the clay pigeon that flies out. Good one. Wait, wait. Oh, you don't want to play anymore? Too late. But my clothes! Are you scared? No, no, I mean. No. No. Wreck him a kid's shine. Oh well. Yeah, best get over the stage fright, sunshine. That's a weakness. What do you mean? Well, there's no modesty in the big house. Then I just won't get caught. (laughter) Jesus. Oh, were we ever that stupid? I may be till with first God I asked His hand to us. Oh, you never forget the first one. You know, soup is a decent guy. You really should have waited for him. He'd have been nice about it. Gentle even. But you got us. And we're under no obligation to deliver you to daddy in one piece. Ain't you lucky. Think about your answer. Yes. Good kid. Now see, if you don't want to get caught, then rehabilitation is your only hope. Like going straight? I can feel you grinning. I don't even have to look. I'm sure I have no idea what you mean. You suck at playing dumb. Oh, there's a compliment. I'll take it. As I was saying, it just so happens I can help you with the rehab. How would you do that? First things first. My learned friend here told you to strip. And you will. But you were joking, right? No, that's the other guy. (laughter) You shot me. Did I? Good heavens. What have I done? Why? Well, I got bored. Oh, poor baby. Your fortunate it was won. I could have riddled you. Oh, daddy. God, I'm fine. Oh, you love it. Now. Stand and deliver. Okay. Okay. How far? Like I said, all the way, LBJ. Oh, shit. Take your time. That would have hurt. Of course it fucking hurts. Does it hurt if I do this? (laughter) Speed it up, kid. You really don't want us to lose interest. There you go. Now, isn't that better? Well, the view, Shurring. Tell me about it. What now? Close your eyes. Do I have to? Only if you want to keep those eyes in your head. Oh, god. God, don't give a shit. (scoffs) Head. I know. I know. Shut up and watch. Damn right. (coughs) What? (coughs) Oh, yeah. Pupo dialection. Showing us a breath. We can begin. Now you'll forgive my frontier psychology, but. You stole a gun. From your father. It's not going both well. What was it? Too many rules around the house. You didn't want to be a badge like your man. But now they're going to put you away. Yeah. They may even give you the chair. No. Oh. Yeah. (coughs) They're going to kill you for this. No. And the last thing you're going to see is the look of shame in your daddy's eyes as they flip the switch. You're going to die. And you disappointed everyone. Oh, god. Oh, my god. He's going to find out. And find out at the campy. You should run. Yes. Yes. Run away. Far away. Oh, god. (coughs) Bravo. (coughs) Always a pleasure. That was rather impressive. You sound like you actually mean it. I hate to say it, but I do. Thanks. Are we going? I just attacked. There's one thing I have to do first. I how are you doing? Retrieving my bullet. Why'd you care? I'm not about to get nailed to the wall over a dumb kid like that one. Fair enough. Huh? Got it. Shall we? Lead on. Hey, you know this ain't a bad weapon. It's not the first time I've kept a cop's gun. Was it voluntarily surrendered? More or less. That was a nice trick with the strip too. I'll give tribute to the disgraces for that party trick. The devils. Now here's a thought. If Blue Boy was around, would he have come to save us or him? Well that's one of those more quandaries isn't it? Oh let's find out. What do you say, soups? Oh he's not picking up. Should I shout louder? He can hear you. I'll just doubt a Lancer. Screening his calls because he's a good boy. That band won't be forever you know. You're just asking for trouble. How about a little test then? Riddle me this, goody two shoes. At zero degrees you'll bake. At 90 degrees you'll shake. Hmm. Nothing. That makes him deaf. Or stupid. [laughs] Check ass. Still, I was right about one thing. I told you it'd be fun. You didn't know that was gonna happen. But it was hilarious. Just like old times. Back when you were fun. Fine. You're sure with me? True. You may have been your friend. And next you'll be telling me you prefer to have him around instead. Not so much. I've fallen out of favor of late. Huh. I wonder why. Beats me. Main difference to the old days is now you use the aerosol instead of the syringes. Evolution I suppose. That's common damn sense. You have a good niche on your balls and forget you had syringes for fingers. Yish! Bet that carved up your pumpkins? Add the strong burlap on top of that. Looks like I got clawed up by a pack of branded Tomcats. Well, at least then you could say you've actually been mobbed by pussy. Stop right there. You don't know what you're talking about. Oh, I sense a story. If you're lucky it'll be a bedtime story for later. Can I tempt you with packets of peanuts? Bump that to my choice of room service and I'll think about it. You got yourself a deal, mister.