S*x on the first date

One, two, one, two, three, three, three. So, "Marmature Listening" to it, please close the app now. Yes, I'm sorry about that. You're listening to The Couple Bubble by Carla and AGO. Welcome to "Couple Bubble". Today we will talk about. Six on the first date. Mom, if you're listening to it, please close the app now. So, yes or no? You mean, "Sex on the first date"? Yes or no? Depends on what you're looking for. I think there's some truth and there's some magic being lost if you're too easy to get. I think a lot of men don't take it too positive. Of course, everyone wants it. It's exciting, you're in the situation. Probably the woman looks super, super good. And I mean, you're just very ready for it. But I also for my friends, like if she's too easy to get, it kind of takes away a little bit. I don't want to say of the game, but probably a little bit of the excitement because you don't have this feeling of every time you come maybe a little bit more far and then at some point it happens. And not going to lie, there's also the thought of if it's so easy how many men were before that. And it's probably super, super unfair, but I think. I mean, I just want to be honest, there probably is a little bit after that. What about you, sex on the first date? Yes or no? After that, I don't know how to answer. No, but. Depends. I will say depends on the person, depends on the dynamics that you have with that person, how the day went. For example, in our case, we had a nine-hour date. So after that, I will definitely have gone like, I will be like, okay? For sure. But if I am with someone for three hours after three hours, that person gets touchy and then you feel the intention of the person. So it's like, no. In that case, I will say no and I will pass. But yeah, do you think that it changes from. If you meet the person on the app or at a party or somewhere just like. where you can physically see that person, does that influence in your decision? I wouldn't say it does change it. I think on the app, it's just way easier to be super, super upfront. And there were times where it was just like, I am not looking for something super, super serious. Or you jetted in the app and then at some point you were like, okay, it's not working. And I think I'm very honest. So I pretty much told the person and sometimes all the doors were closed immediately. It was ghosted and it was over. I mean, fair enough if people look for something different, but sometimes it was kind of a case. So I would say that's a difference. I have a feeling like if you meet on a party, it's broke. And sometimes it just doesn't come up that much. Especially if there's a lot of music around, maybe you don't talk that much. So you have no idea what the other person wants and probably then kind of. You start making out and then the moment is kind of gone where you can talk about it. How do you see it? Is it a difference? Where's the real life? Well, I think, yeah, in the app, you can be more upfront. You can be more straightforward, just say whatever you want. I think it takes more time when you meet someone personally. Maybe, for example, I don't know, if you are in a tennis class and that you meet someone, you will probably not right away be like, "Hey, let's go talk about." "Hey, why are you doing tonight?" You will probably be more careful with that person. So I do think that, yeah, definitely it changes. And it influences in the sense of how you see that person. Like, it's the same as you say. Like, probably if you met someone in an app and then you had sex on the first night, your thoughts will be like, "Oh, if she's doing this with me, probably she did it with a lot of other men. But if you met someone in a club, then you don't really know. Like, maybe they think their thoughts are not the same because you're both far in and maybe this just like, you know, one thing got to the other. And then maybe you actually want to meet that person. What do you think about that? I think it's actually worse on a club. I think if I would have met you on a club, we would have been probably trying, making out, going to your place, my place, have sex directly after the club. I would be way more worried than we meet in the app. Because in the app, I have to feel like, okay, we kind of get to know each other also a little bit of personality. And we probably have a date where we actually talk quite a bit. So I have to feel like, okay, probably you're into me. If we meet in the club, it's very clear. We are attracted physically. We are into each other. And that's enough to kind of come into your bedroom. So I would actually say, if you feel just back and I was feeling a ton of sparks and butterflies, give it a little bit of time. Because I also had a feeling like both of us were extremely attracted to each other. It was already super late and kind of the thought of sleeping. At least in the same bed was out there and most likely it would have happened. But I don't regret it. I think it was the right decision to then just take one to more dates of time to then kind of make love, have sex, whatever. And so my recommendation would actually be if you want to continue with that person, if you want to give it a chance to become a relationship, take a little bit more time. Because honestly, you want to have multiple days and just kind of take your time. And then every time it's maybe a little bit more in the right direction. And then when you have it, at least my perception will feel better. That's the way I see it. I also think that if you, it's also not wrong. I don't think that it's completely wrong if you have sex on the first date. If the communication and the dynamics before that they make you feel safe enough or make you feel comfortable enough, where you both decided like, hey, actually I do feel this connection. I don't want to see you again. I think in that sense, it's also all right. But as you said, in our situation, it was just right to wait. You were really a gentleman and I was like, okay, it just kept me curious about you as well. And of course there's never in dating and relationships right now wrong. Every person is different and I think every situation and every story is different. But I personally, if a friend comes to me and is asking me, hey, Ingo, say, overall, would you recommend me having sex on the first date? I would say, if you just want to have something physical, it's clear for both sides. Be straight and tell the truth and then it's only fine if sex on the first date and just enjoy it. I mean, we're young, it's fun also. If you feel a ton of butterflies or some kind of spark how it was in our case, I would wait. And that would be my advice for a friend. It doesn't mean that I would judge anyone I've done it before, well, didn't end. It was still kind of there, there are positive aspects about it. But I wouldn't be my recommendation if you want to have a relationship with them. Okay, next question. So it's sex, like, it is important for you sex in the relationship. I mean, it's amazing that you ask me because I think you know the answer. It is very important to me. And for me, sex is also a way of making love, being very, very close to you, feeling you, feeling all the emotions and there are very different types of sex. Like there is sex where I feel you missed me a lot when we were apart from each other. There are sex where I can feel just your excitement and happiness. And I feel you just so close and I feel all the different emotions and there are sex when we had a fight. And we have, I don't know, a sex after that where I have to feel engaged. Like, you actually forgive me, we're good again, you're close to me. And for me, it is also a way of, I don't know, emotional connection. I might sound weird, but I feel just extremely close to you and I feel you, I feel your emotions. So of course, I'm extremely into the physical part, but there is also the small spiritual part of feeling you, understanding you. And that is beautiful and for the reason it is, it is very important to have that. What about you, me and more? For me, it's also super important and like I couldn't put it better than you did because it's really like that. Like we have different types of sex. Like it's, we do make love and in different situations, I just feel you differently. Like yeah, I couldn't have put it better. Also, like I do think that we tend to not give that much of importance to the sex part. Like not always, like I remember when I was younger, I was like okay, sex is just a compliment, the relationship. And I know that for every person is like different, like there is people that it's not, that doesn't need it kind of. Like a compliment, like a addition to it? Like an addition to the relationship, right? But then after having the experience on long term relationships where sex wasn't like always working or wasn't like, yeah, always good. I realized that it's an essential part for the relationship. Like for example, even when we are feeling like super stressed and we just make love. It's like just releasing like all of that tension, all of that stress and just like feeling each other and connecting in that way. I do love that. I think it's very important for me personally. And I think sex not working that well as an amazing transition to how was making love in the beginning for you, like in our relationships. So the first date we haven't had sex and then I think it was like on the third date, we had two beautiful days. It was actually the day after and the day after so every time every day we saw each other and then maybe we made love. How was it for you? That was very interesting. Because I felt like you were a lot in your head and it wasn't easy. Like it wasn't like flowing like it should have. So to say, but I am very happy that we actually got to talk about it. Like it was like, okay, we are both feeling that something is off, like we are both in our head, what is happening. And I think that we were very open just to communicate towards each other and to take some more time for our sexual connection to be there. I think we had this extra connection, but it was just like, like a attraction. I think we worked really well on that because after I think after three to three times, it was really good. It was like, okay. Yeah. So how was for you? How would you describe the first three to three times? The first maybe, yeah, let's say three times, the first three times were not good for me. As you say, I was a lot into my head. I would say I had quite a bit of experience after all my troubles, but it was very basic, I would say, like every time the same. That's how it is. Like I was going out mostly partying. It was like very good, but very standard, I would say. And I knew exactly what I liked, but I didn't like. I was not experimenting at all. And I was just like, yeah, this is amazing. I like it. I want more of it. And then I met you and you openly shared that you had experiences left and right, but nothing crazy, but some stuff I was like, oh, that's interesting. I've never done that. So in the beginning, I was a ton in my head because it was like, is she into the normal stuff? Is that good for her? And I was overthinking so much. The kinky side came out. And the problem was, I was overthinking. You were noticing me overthinking that made you think more about what's going on. And of course, you feel the body's react and you get more stiff and everything was just going not, not floating that much. And I will just say it. I think it really, really changed when you had your first big orgasm. I was like, okay, she's really into it. And from then on, it was so good because kind of I left all my thoughts out there. And so far, it is amazing. And you just mentioned it. We talked a lot after it. I remember laying in bed and I was like, how was it for you? And you were like, honestly, it was not so amazing. I really attracted to you. And then we talked it out. We talked about what was in our head. We actually talked about different situations. So, how was it for you? Like, sometimes I ask you, hey, how was ABC? How did you feel? Kind of, was this good? Did you like it? How was it talking about it after sex? Because I think in my mind, there's oftentimes this feeling of, is this weird? Can I actually ask that? Yeah. No, I do feel that it's really important. And I actually really like that. Not everyone asks you, like, hey, do you like that? How can I do it better? Tell me what you like, how you like to be touched? Like, what do you need? You know, like for me, that say a lot, like of the way that you are. And you not only care about you having orgasms or your pleasure only, you actually care of giving me pleasure. And that gave you more pleasure, which for me was amazing, because like in the past, I will always have the feeling like, I don't need more time, like I'm not having orgasms as fast as I would like to or as fast as someone is investing time in there. So you mean people gave up halfway? Yes, yes. And then I will just, like, you start to get used to not have orgasms, which is not normal. Like, everyone should have orgasms. Like, it's important, yeah. And with you, it was really like, tell me how to touch you. Tell me what do you like? Like, it was very interesting for me to teach you that. And it was like amazing to see that you are open to learn and to discover my sweet spots. So yeah, I do think that it's, it's healthy. It's good. It's important to talk about that. Like to have conversations as well after having sex. Like, how was it for you? We still do it. And I love it because it's like, we're just honest about it. Maybe next time we will invest more time in me. Maybe more next time we will invest more time in you. I like it. That's amazing. We just say that because I'm not sure if I can have deeply talked about it outside now the podcast. And it feels very weird as man because I think you have this picture of the man, you know, everything kind of every time you make love with a person. It's a firework. You're amazing. And this is how men talk with each other. Like, it's constantly this. Oh, I got so many women every time we have sex. It's amazing. She loves me. She loves my body. And you have this picture of you need to be manly. You cannot ask. And I also experience it as extremely healthy. And it helps me to talk when you explain me about your about your body. It really, really helps. And I think one of the last times we talked about it was making love after fights because it was really not sure if you enjoy it. Like we had. It was not a huge fight, but we had an argument. We took some time. It was probably like two or three hours of us not being good. And then we ended up in bed made love for me. For me, it felt like, as I mentioned before, I felt like you super close. I had a feeling everything is good again. You kind of forgive me. I can feel it. We are good again. It's the situation is over. So, um, sex after fight is that it's very recommended. It's just like more passionate. You are just like connecting more because yeah, you feel that everything is now. It doesn't mean that it's not good before. Like if you already talk it, talk about it. And you both for gave each other. Yeah, um, then it's good, but it's just like when you have sex then after it's just like a very strong connection after that is like just feeling each other just getting into that. Yeah, physical connection and also like I feel there is very much a spiritual as well. It's just like we also say to each other, I miss you like because I feel that having an argument kind of distance ourselves from from each other. So, I feel that yeah, I can only recommend. Yeah, and then we have love languages as well, like as much as sex is important. I do feel that to recognize the love language in your partner is as well important that you can have conversations about what do you like about sex? Do you like for play? I think also that for play is super important because it takes all the diversity and all the tension away as well. But I also recognize it recognize in the love language of your partner or the person that you are within that moment. Do you know my love languages? I think I know them. I have the feeling that words of affirmation are extremely important and physical touch. I think that at two most, that's cute. Yeah, we're holding hands pretty much all the time. That is a more important one that I have to feeling like if we don't give words of affirmation or have physical touch, both of us would feel weird. Overall, I have to feeling what is amazing. You're really a given in a relationship. You give a lot of happiness. You really are super, super caring and I have to feeling I am I tend to be the same when I'm happy in a relationship. I try to give a lot and I think therefore it works really, really good. The other ones of course are important. It's good. You wrote them down so you can actually see what they are. Like quality time, gifts, acts of service, after feeling kind of the first word, once our words of affirmation, physical touch. After that, I would say quality time and acts of service, gifts, you're always happy when I, I don't know, bring your flowers, think about a gift. You are super, super excited. I have to feeling our relationship could survive a year without any gift. And therefore I would say it makes you happy. It's probably not the most important one I guess. How was it? Like, was it right? Was it right? Yeah, it was right. Like I do feel that we have all of them. They are just organized by priority, like words of affirmations were important. We actually have them every day. We are there for each other, we support each other and we motivate each other to just achieve our goals and go for what we actually want. Not only in our relationship, but also as individuals. And physical touch, for sure. It will feel so weird if you will not hug me or hold my hand or, and even with the feel, you know, like just putting my feet next to yours. And then it will be as well, acts of service. I love when you bring coffee in the morning. When, you know, all of these tiny details of the daily life, I do love that quality time. The fact that we actually take some break from work and it's like, okay, let's take 10 minutes. Let's drink coffee together. Let's talk about how the morning was. And I love that we have done that as a routine. I think it's super important to just keep, like even if you have a stressful day or even if there is a lot going on, I do think that it's important to just take a bit of time. You know, you can always take at least five, sometimes could take even like five minutes and say, okay, I have a call in five minutes, but let's drink a bit of a coffee and say, how are you doing? Say good morning. It's, it's beautiful. And then gifts. Yes, I think I will put it in last place because of course it makes me happy when you, when you make me gifts, but it's not like a priority. I do think like because of life one year without gifts, I also love how much time and like how much time did best and how detailed you are with your gifts. Like, I love your love letters like or the notes for me. That's so special. Like receiving a coffee with a daily note is like, I actually have them in my office. I taste them and I like to look at them. I'm a romantic. No, but really for me it's like, it's not always the material things, but also like how much thought you put behind. So yeah, you did it right. And I see it very, very similar and the only thought I had is for me, sex is also part of a love language. If we don't make love for two days, then it feels like two years. Not only that, but at some point I'm like, okay, are we disconnected or I don't know, is something between us. And I have to feeling the reason why is that is one of our love languages. It's super, super important and I have to feeling other people are not like that. They kind of don't need it as often. And probably it's less of a love language and they still feel super stable and safe in the relationship. Even though they, I don't know, didn't make love for a week and everything is fine. And again, I think it's just important to talk about it. Like both of us had conversations where we were like, everything good between us. So yeah, talking is super important. I guess. Yes. And so I think for the part of us is the physical touch just sex in our relationship is so important. We actually give time for that. Like independently of how stressful the day was. I think it just makes it everything better. But yeah, I do think that talking is important. Not falling into the potential trap. Like, if something is not good, it might not get better. But it also might. Like I think that if you talk about it, if the person you are with, it's willing to learn to give you pleasure to learn from the things that you like and to learn from you. Even if both of you do not have experience, like you can also read about it, even watch videos. I just to get to understand this sexuality a bit better. I do feel that that's very, very important. I don't know how many times I say important, but guys is important. And then I think it can get better. But if you are not able to talk about it, and it's not good. Don't try not to hope that it's going to get better without just any kind of communication and anything, because it might not. So maybe it's not there. And yeah, I think my advice is just talking after it can help a ton and my learning. And again, it might be different for everyone, but a woman that had some pleasure, maybe August and like the sex after is a thousand times better and maybe spending the time with you before taking care of you, focusing a little bit more on the woman before it's all about or more about a man. Yes, making love is probably a little bit more about a man because when I'm done, most likely it's it's over. Yeah, but you think that and that's something interesting to point out because it's not that it's over like you can still do things for the woman to feel pleasure. Even if you as a man, I already had the orgasm like, but the misconception is that for some reason, I have the feeling that men think that when they are done, then it's over. Or they want to sleep or something like that. That's wrong. And I, yeah, and we come back to the communication because all of that can be just. No, that's a very interesting. Like we can practice it now. Would you would you love to do that more often to continue after when I am done? No. You just gave the advice. No, it should not. Yes, but because I am giving the advice in case the woman hasn't had an orgasm yet or if she wants to continue me personally, when I do have my because you take care that I first have my orgasm or orgasms and then we go back to you. So by the point you have your orgasm, I am like, I am good. I can, yeah, I can. I really hope my family is not listening to this. I'm sorry again. But yeah, so I do feel that if the girl wants to continue, like it's possible to just be a bit more flexible and to continue and just like, even if you struggle a bit like with having orgasms really fast because I think they're also men that struggle with how long for how long they can have sex. So if that's the case, you can also include toys, you can just make it dynamic. I think it's a beautiful moment and both should feel pressure, both should feel good about it. Okay, after I've done now thinking about my first thing, let's make it a little bit more so they can actually listen to the second part because closely related, we talked about sex on the first date. I think also super interesting is case on the first date because I think it is the hardest part to know when to guess, should I kiss, should I risk it, should I not risk it, other signs to watch out for what happens if I'm not respectful enough, etc, etc. So what is your opinion on once they back the case on the first day? Again, me personally, with our date, I was ready to kiss you. I was ready for it. But I also feel, and because you mentioned it, I had to feel that I gave you the signs or the feeling that I was receptive and that I was open to kiss you. So I think that you feel it, maybe as a man you feel it, I haven't been in the position where I thought, I want to kiss someone, but I was in the position of, it will be nice if we kiss enough. So I can just talk from that part, and I think that signs are like, if someone is looking at your lips, probably that person is ready to kiss you. Like you're doing right now. I would be so really good. Actually I have, it sounds super dumb, but I actually do it forever already, like this. And I try to be physically close to a person when I feel like kissing a person and it could be something like, I slightly touch your knee with my knee, or I kind of give you not an aggressive touch, but like some physical connection, no way you feel it. And what always for me is, if people kind of at least leave this physical connection between you, I never had any issue, like then respectfully kissing the person, because as you said, it's a very good sign. It's easy to understand if kind of our knees are touching for too long, and you feel like it's kind of weird, and you move your knee away, or you move your hand away, or whatever. I have to feel probably your don't want to kiss me, and then I absolutely respect it, but for me it was like an easy test to check if this is the other person at least open to do it next step. And yeah, I had a feeling you were very open to do the next step. I was touching your leg as well. Yeah, we were touching a lot, so I had a feeling it's absolutely okay. What is happening if you don't want it? Like, I am this rude boy having a date with you, I'm kissing you, and you're not ready for it. How should a person react? Because I think it's as a woman in a super difficult situation. I mean, if someone, if their approach is really like, I would not say aggressive, but if it's unexpected, kind of like, you know, people that just tries to. Yes, I just like it very much, and I get very serious and very straightforward. The first move that you will do is like, what are you trying to do? And my first answer is going to be like, you know, like, don't try this, like, what are you doing, you know? But then if someone is kind of gentle and is giving you the signs of getting close and trying to like a physical touch, but you are actually not receptive, you're actually not feeling it. Then I would just be polite and like, move mind me, you know, like, have some distance. Also when walking with someone, for example, when we were walking together, we were very close, like, almost like, I think our hands from time to time when I would touch, but we would not hold hands. So that's completely different. If you're not feeling that person, you're right away, take some distance from like, your walk. And I think just the way you talk, maybe even your tone of voice changes, because you're not that open to, yeah, to be with that person or to allow that person to get closer to you. Maybe you only see that person as a friend. Interesting. I think what for me was always interesting. I have the feeling, if I go in the first, second, third date, and I try to kiss a person, and it's kind of not working. And the woman gives me signs of, hey, this is, I'm either, she gives me signs of, I'm not interested, or she tells me, hey, this is moving too fast. I'm not like, let's play it slow, and I want that. For me, it meant she's not that much into me, and I will not continue trying it. Oh, okay. And a lot of my friends had same situations, and they tend to be like, yeah, she told me, don't move too fast. And therefore, I will now try to slowly, kind of work my way there, but I was always a little bit more on the side of, okay, if you don't feel it, if you don't feel a kiss, I'm not talking about touching anything. I'm just talking about something like a kiss, or holding my hand, and probably you are, it's made the situation is maybe too much, and you don't know how to put it in words. And it's way easier to say, hey, let's do it slowly, but I was like, okay, she's probably not into it. So I'm super interested if, like, what do you think about those situations? I guess having two women is like, whoa, whoa, I really like you, but let's do a little slower. What should I do? What should I think? I think that you can either do it as you do, and like, give up there, or you can like, give it a chance. I mean, like, okay, I'm gonna have like two dates more to see how the dynamics are, but if the dynamics are not there, if like, you don't, if you only feel weird, then it's not there. Like then maybe she's just waiting for, again, getting into the potential trap, maybe waiting for something to wake up that as parkling hair, you know, because maybe the rest is not working, but she's like hoping for something to just. pop up there, and I think if you want something for a long term, then you shouldn't be waiting for someone that is only waiting for something to pop out of you. If you want a long-term relationship, then you should find someone that loves you for who you are, and that is attracted to you, and the person that you are and not which qualities are like coming out now and not the rest of it. That's also my experience, if it didn't work for them the first three, four, five dates, it was then this endless of year we kind of met again, and I didn't know if I should try it again, and she says she likes me, but then she didn't reply for her two days, and then I. and this endless ping pong off of nowhere, and then at some point someone realizes it's not working, and. I think also many people throw also a communication, and many people don't know how to approach such a conversation, because you also don't want to scare the other person right? If you're meeting someone, and maybe you really like this person, but this person is not that sure, maybe about you. Then you will not try to scare the person with serious questions and serious talk, but I do think that if you want something long-term, then the person should be able to have these kind of conversations with you. Or maybe even tell you like, you know, maybe not right now, but let's talk about this at some point, like I'm not feeling right, just to be honest, you know. I do feel that on first dates, people can get nervous, and it's also like nice to give a second, third chance to see, okay, are we there? Are we both in the same page? Or this is just getting from nervous to not interested? And it is hard. First days are hard. Second days are fucking hard. Making the right moves is hard. You are overthinking the whole time. I mean, that's the reason why I have this weird, like, neo-touching test, because it's like, is she interested? Is she not interested because of the overthinking? So, I think it helps to just say it is hard, and everyone is struggling with it, and it does get better having more experience, but it never goes away. Also, for our date, I felt that you were super interested. We had this amazing connection. I had a million butterflies. I saw it as part of your eyes. I was overthinking. I was overthinking. Can I kiss her now? It's now the right moment. I remember when we were sitting at the ocean, and you were leaning a lot towards me. I was like, okay, she's into me, but it's too early to kiss her now, so I think that absolutely normal, and everyone has it. If I think just with everything, be respectful, and talk about it, or sometimes. Communication. Yeah. Also, sometimes I have to feel just the straight. Do you think this is going anywhere? It can help, because sometimes it's opening up to space for the other person to say, hey, honestly, I don't think we're compatible. Or giving you some confirmation and saying, hey, I'm super interested in you, and I enjoy my time, and maybe the other person is just nervous and not showing you. That's a really good advice. I also think that having dates in different settings helps, because then you can have different experiences, you can talk about different activities or things that you have done together. I think that's really good. Also, like, again, communication. If you are dating more people, if you are interested in having something casual, like I also think that's important to communicate in order to not create false hopes in other people, because maybe they are not looking the same as you. So, yeah, keep it honest. And then, my last comment to. I mean, it was not sex on the first date for us. It was morning, sex on that date. But I think the weird thing was not at the night. It was the morning after me, kind of, going to the show for the first time, being ready, and suddenly a cat is standing in the show. I was just so overwhelmed. I was like, "I'm naked. This cat is staring at me like I should do anything. This is the weirdest situation of all time." And then, I was coming to you and was like, "Sorry, there's a cat in the show. Staring at me naked." And you were like, "Yeah, he wants to show it with you." He was like, "Yes, but can you please remove him?" So, yeah, that was my father, we're just part of sex on that day. I mean, Gaston is not afraid of the water. You will make us all some point. Yeah, that was interesting. I think we have unforgettable moments, for sure. Yeah, but it was amazing. All we have lived so far, and I think we have made our communication fundamental in our relationship, and that has helped from the beginning. Yeah, and now I can say that it's by far the best I ever had, and I think talking about it helped a lot. And I'm just super, super happy, and nothing the only advice or perspective I can give this. Talking about it, just as you said. Yeah. Done. Alrighty. We are done for today. Let's end it here, guys. Take your time. Have some full play. Talk about it. Talk about it. Communication. Keep it honest. And we see you in the next episode. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.