114: Rules 2 Life with Ali Macofsky | Soder Podcast | EP 112

Hey, everybody, I want to thank you for coming and seeing me on the golden retriever of comedy tour. We've announced the second leg. It starts up in February, February 13th in Orlando, then February 14th in Tampa, going to be in Buffalo, February 28th, Boston, March 6th, Philly, March 7th. Go to dancoder.com, the whole second leg all the way through April is on sale, all available at dancoder.com. I love you guys. I assume I'm always going to record it. Yeah, that's what that's why you won't ever drive through. I'm like, you guys are filming me. Because I don't know if you know my controversial shy LeBuff, he will not divide us video. No. Yeah, I was like, do you remember this? Well, I remember when shy LeBuff went through a lot. The guy went through a lot. So did I. Went through a lot. As a result. Yeah. Well, he, so he was like in New York during this, like he will not divide us thing. And there was like a 24 hour live broadcast from where this was happening. And I was in New York just randomly doing shows. And I'm like, I want to meet shy LeBuff. I want to be there. And then of course, I'm like indoctrinated the moment I step in. I'm like, you will not divide us like I got so into it. And I forgot that like anything online stays online forever. And so, by the way, stuff that isn't even online will stay online forever. Yeah. Because people upload videos of shit. So I'm just always assuming that I'm being recorded. What was the fallout of that? There's no, I mean, no fallout. But he's from like embarrassment, like pure cringe. I don't know, man. He, I bet, I bet if you had shy LeBuff give a like pregame speech to a high school football team, they'd run through a wall for that guy. Oh my God. Yes. Because he has that. If actors can do that. But him specifically, he's powerful. He speaks. I'm like, I'm in. There's a guy that does an impression of him online. I was about to bring that up. And I'm like, I'm not going to bring up internet stuff. Bring up all the internet stuff you want. Okay. Great. Listen to me. I can't let you have this chocolate. And I know you want it. But you can't have it. And because there's some things in life that are good for you. And some things that are bad for you. And sometimes the things that are good for you taste bad. But that guy does. My favorite impressions are impressions of people I've never heard done before. And this guy does shy LeBuff. Perfect. The shy LeBuff is great. You've been doing me. That's comedy. All right. I like that. I like that. Just the way he does it. You're like, perfect. And you could picture it. You're like, it's not just an impression. It's like what I imagine he would say. Which is the best kind of impression. As a guy that does voices, the only fun part is saying shit that you think would. Yes. Like kind of hit the reality of who they are. Or the other way where it's like so bonkers, like when James Austin, Johnson does like Trump talking about like Nintendo. That's also fun. Having it be the full. Having friends that do voices is very fun. Shane, when Shane and I would go on the road together, we used to do this thing. It was like 2018. So Trump was already in office. Yeah. But we would do a thing we're driving of him getting Obama to call him. Yeah. Like actually say the word. Yeah. And I'd be like, I don't want to say it. And he'd be doing Trump. And he'd be like, I love you love me. And I'd be like, you're not like a real. And we'd just like get him to say words and go, Oh, you said it. But having him do Trump doing that made me laugh. So hard. That's so fun. Yeah. Cause he's just like very, he's like perfect at doing the voice. Yeah. So you're like, it would be funny if Trump said that. Like, I got you, I got you to do it. And you're like, yeah, that makes me laugh. I feel like when I was a kid, I loved doing impressions. And then I think, I don't know if this is like a girl thing or just a me thing. But there's something clicked in my brain where it was like, do not embarrass yourself. Oh, you know what? That's not a girl thing because I used to love to do voices when I was like very young because in Simpsons. Yeah. And I remember in eighth grade, when it starts getting real, when you're like trying to go, I remember, it might have been seventh grade, someone being like, don't do that. Girls don't like that. Yes. And I'm going like, Oh, well, then never mind. It was, it was voices and pro wrestling like hide those that and action figures. It was like, hide those things. So then what did you, when did you dip back in? When did you lose that like shelf? Well, so it's not a weed a lot. Then it became fun. Then it became like, I can do this voice. And it would be like Ralphie from the Simpsons. And they'd be like, just Ralph Wiggum. And they'd be like, oh, that's fun. Okay. And then it was like smoking weed in college, doing like family guy voices. And you're like, oh, and then it's like, your past the point. It's just early high school, middle school and early high school. Yeah. You start acting like, what voices did you use to do? I mean, nothing like a major. It was more like, I feel like a mostly physical where it's like, I feel like I could copy the way that people sing pretty well. Like I could do good impressions of people singing. And I'll like do it in the car with my boyfriend because I'm like, this is a safe space. And sometimes this is so embarrassing. Sometimes like, if I'm in the car with friends and we're listening to music, I'll like try and sound like the person to see if anyone notices. Yeah, to go. Just to subtly be like, you want to cook out, you want to cook out moment in the in the movies. And I never get it where the old, the old black auntie goes, come on, baby, you got to sing. Yeah. We go, I can't sing. It goes, come on, baby. And then you go. Yes. Yes. I get that. I get that. I caught Sagalo doing a run. He was like, and then me and Katie made fun of it. We're like, do you do runs? And then now he'll do it as a joke. And it is so funny. I could so picture that. And he looks, I don't even know how to describe this. But as soon as you said that, I'm like, he looks like someone you would have been in sister. He would be the only white guy in a black church. And one loves him. He doesn't even live in the neighborhood, but he drives in because he feels more a part of that community than he does at home. Why are you coming down here singing? And he goes, because I got to load my heart and go, baby, and you sing like you do. Yeah. Yeah. He'll do a thing where we're on the road. We go, hey, I'm about to go on a run. Do you guys need anything? It's like, because I always argue it's worse to be a singer than a voice person. Because a voice person, you can, oh, no, I flipped that argument. Yeah. It's worse to be like, if you're a singer, you can go like, can you sing me a song? If you're a voice person, you're like, can you do Rodney Dangerfield for a little bit? And they're like, well, and there's something about singing where it no matter how good you are, it feels so try hardy. Dude, there's a great, we're talking about internet stuff. Did you see the guy that sets up singers where he plays the piano and the second they start singing, he stops and then go, oh, it is. That would crush me. It is so funny. That would crush me. The guy he's like playing an outdoor piano or whatever, no girl come up and be like, no, no, no, no, let's get up and leave. He records his phones mounted. He records their face and they go like, I could imagine myself building up the courage to be like, you know what? Just try it. Stopping so hard on yourself, but you love to sing just go up there. He's playing, you want to join. And finally, I get off there and I'm like, and he goes, no. Yeah. And then, of course, as the internet, it gives you and it takes away, I read in the comments, someone was like, he tells them to sing and then does it. Of course, I think that's the same. Okay. I have like rules to life. Okay. One, you're always being recorded to every video that you're watching is fake. I think it's, it's very true. And I still, there's still joy in my viewing of videos, but there's always a skeptical side. You should. That's the safe way of living your life. That's, that's you're going to enjoy things more by doing that than just like, there's just like romantic idea of just being unbridled and like, oh, I'm whimsy and I throw myself because that's how you get hurt. Yeah. That's how you get hurt because you go like, this video is real. And then you find out you got the whole thing was staged. You look like a fucking idiot. Yeah. I think the beauty of coming from a tumultuous home growing up is my skepticism and I think, and I think, and I think it's what I fucking did that for Larry, because I will not fall for an AI video, which I, the son of my tumultuous was different because they were getting fucked up. So I will fall for it because I go like, they're happy. And then I go, wrong. There you go. Fuck. Fuck. What was tumultuous about just they were just fight all the time? No, it was just like, you know, alcoholism. Shout out. Who was the bigger drinker? My mom. Really? Mom, I was lucky. My mom drank and she, you know, we've had conversations. I could diagnose it as alcoholism, but I wouldn't go as far as that. I would say she told the line a couple times, always is capable of pulling it back. I'm lucky I had a dad that drank. I don't think I can handle a mom that drank. Dad's who drank rock. They're so fun. Well, and because dads, it's like you expect them to be bad. Like no one expects a good dad. Yeah. And so when you're also like drunk, you're like, oh, they're seasoning on this. Oh my god. What a silly guy. What did you have too many? He's a blast. So alcoholic mom though. Alcoholic mom. And I think it's like not even the alcoholic part. It's more of the, when you're a kid and the hiding of it. So she was sneaky about it? No, because you could all, like there's tells, you know, it's like a poker player. Like you know the tells. So it's not that part. What was your mom's tell? Oh, she cussed My mom's not a cusser. She's a sweet woman. I love my mom. Everyone loves my mom who meets my mom. She's a blast sure But if she's cussing, I'm like Would you have a couple? Yeah, I'm like, what's going on? Yeah, that's like when people get drunk and they like start saying shit That's just outside of their realm where you go. Yeah, why do you keep talking about water skiing? Uh-huh They guys want to go water skiing you you never want to go are you drunk? Yeah, that's all yeah, and you know There was something in their childhood where they went water yeah, yeah, definitely got the lesson like we got to go on the One-on-one water skiing you go I got to finish things out on the water on a beach while. Yeah, and they go Yeah, that's why and I'm drunk and I'm gonna tell you about it. Yeah, exactly. So your mom how old were you when you realized? Um, I don't know The earliest memories like you see your mom always was a boozer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I think that like the like oh We're going to dad's house this weekend. It's like why the suspicion arose So I think now and I see videos I'm always suspicious. I'm like who's drinking in this video. Yeah, where are they hiding their boots? They're not picking me up from preschool today. I Don't think they're excited to meet that burn victim when you see a celebrity meeting that you go there probably drunk Yeah, that's a good skepticism That's the thing that sometimes people don't talk about trauma can be beneficial I think it is because it gives you almost like a like a spidey sense. Yeah, you get special skills It makes you good at sex and it makes you horrible with trust Like trauma sex Some people can aim it dude some people can aim trauma into sex and you got like I remember in college. There's a couple of women that I was like they would tell me about their past and go Yeah, that makes sense You had sex like that. I think I got none sexual trauma. I don't think it's I don't think my trauma Has helped me sexual. I think it helps I think it comes out in different ways I think some people use like strippers. Yeah, there's like a thing like that where it ends up in There are other people there's like CEOs. Yeah, I got like beat as children and then they go I'll never get beaten a merger. Yeah, and you go and that's how they became a fucking And I just got the trauma that makes me skeptical of fun viral moments on the internet And I got the one that makes me a little nervous to do voices of other people. Uh-huh I got the trauma that made me go I can't talk as my own voice Maybe I can express myself as Motro Man Randy Savage. Yes. Don't you feel like as a Closeted voice girl. Yeah, which is this is great to find don't you feel like sometimes when you're doing a voice You almost you feel like you can tap into their psyche like based on how they talk or like mannerisms You're like oh, I know why they're doing this and you could be wrong. I I understand that feeling I think it makes me want to use words that they use and it's almost like I never get to use this word In my regular life. Well, it's fun. Where do you like to you like Sam Elliott? You can always the use like old like cowboy terms We like I'm a little tuckered out tonight I love going down I'm not it's not really green with my stomach, you know, I would never say that dad would never go I don't think that meals a green with my stomach. What is that? I'm a bit tuckered out. I'm tuckered out I need to hit the head. I'm gonna hit the hey, but if you're Sam Elliott, you're like I want to hit the hey I don't know if that steak's really sitting right. I don't know what to do with my face While you're doing it I'm like looking at you I don't even want to learn you. I don't know like this because I'm enjoying it so much But I'm like should I be doing something like well? Here's the problem with voices for me is I only enjoy doing them on Podcasts because the people are listening and if you do it on stage then it feels very 80s and hack and you have to like Mesh your set into a way to find a way and no matter which way you get into a voice in stand-up it feels Fucking hacky. Yeah, like you're like that would be weird if he was here and he was And then you're like kill me. Yeah, I suck. Yeah, that feeling I I have tried to weasel anyway. I can sing on stage into a bit and so there's one joke There's one joke. I do where I like sing the punchline essentially sure and I do think it's a good joke and I stand by the joke But the other day I'm so I'm so starved for validation and attention This is the trauma by the way. That's this is that's where the trouble is Neal Brennan is sitting in the back of the comedy store and I'm about to go on and so I turned to Neal and I go Would you like me some notes or whatever because really and when I break it down all I wanted was for him to go You're good. Good job. That's all I wanted. He's wanting him to go that you're very funny. Yeah, and he was the wrong person to ask Well, Neal will give you notes. He gave me a ton of many notes. He's in fantastic, right? It was so helpful and I do and I did get the validation because looking back I go if he didn't think I was funny He would not waste his time giving me tags and but the my singing joke. He goes you could eat you he goes You should just stand the joke by saying I just wanted to sing And I was like yeah, that is what I want you go. Um, that's a little too on the note that one hurt. Yeah, thanks Neal Yeah, I'm like I'm not sure if I'm ready to be that on a You know, I was just doing that because I lack The feeling of validation because my mother was an alcoholic and so I feel like I need to sing in order to get your Yeah, you know, I want to end with all that. Yeah, and then I did try closing the joke because he's like use it as it like You should just end the joke by saying I just wanted to sing that. Yeah, and I try to and it didn't work So I'm just gonna keep singing keep saying like what Colin would say to me He we were talking about jokes or whatever and he's like whenever someone gives you a tag and it works You don't want it to work. Oh, yeah, you go like and then if it works, you go You're like at one time. I think Nate gave me a line and it just absolutely made a joke so much better and I was like every time I tell that joke I'd be like Sagalo gave me a tag that he's like I fucking works But doesn't it feel so good wouldn't you give someone a tag and it works and you see them do it more? Yeah, I wrote that. Yeah, that's me all me. I wrote that I wrote that whole bit and all you do is go say It's like the least helpful tag. Yeah I don't know how are LA comics about tags because I know in New York is like most people are all right about it I feel like this city they would be like Like defensive. Yeah, there's definitely like I don't know if this is just everyone though But like if someone's as soon as someone says, oh, I had an idea your body tenses up. I think that's universal Okay, I think that's universal because when I'm in New York unless it's someone I like love. Yeah, like I'm a big fan of There's and if they're like hey, you should do this you go. Oh, totally. It's the way like when hot women would tell me to do stuff When I was younger, I'd be like you absolutely I should get into synchronized swimming. Why aren't I into that you're gorgeous and you like that I would just like whoever's in the room and then you get older and you go now So now I'm more a little guarded. Mm-hmm, but still I am like What's your idea I always take it into consideration like I'll always give someone the time to tell me what they think sure But I was rare that someone really nails my like voice. You know, it's funny is when you do When something does work, you have to go like I was at the stand and someone a comic was like, oh you you ever talk about bringing up the And I go I've tried I've tried it. Yes, and then I did it and I worked and then the next time I saw or I was like Absolutely great note. Yeah, I had to like apologize to be like I thought your note was ass at first Kind of like the like if the thing would have worked with Neil you would have been like fuck then next time you see me go it works Yeah, it really I would have been so I'm gonna try it again Just on how I think you're already trying you know when you like Don't want to do plans with someone and you like texture call and they don't call or and you go great This is actually what I wanted. I wanted to get out of this. That's where you're at with that I think you can walk away right now and and you're fine. I think in LA though The difference with like getting a tag as it's usually the most like Delusional unqualified people saying here's an idea. Yeah, it's never like people Yeah, it's not people that put years in the business It's just people who like happen to be at the comedy store for an open-mike My favorite one is when you put something out like a special out and then you get a fan that DMs you and goes and this joke You should say this and you go it's recorded. Yeah, it's out and they're like At that point, you shoot a gun like this and those are the only people that I want to go like come do a guest set Yeah, come do a guest set come do 10 minutes in front of me Have you ever brought had someone do a guest spot like just a pure random person or for any oh for like a fan or anything Yeah, I've been too scarred by that. I've I've had to feature for people where the MC was like This the one I was talking about is Nate did this club. I used to open for Nate Backward my language wasn't so dirty. Mm-hmm, but it was he was doing this club called juniors last laugh in Erie's pencil in Erie, Pennsylvania And still around have never heard of it. It might be but they did this thing where they were like You can't curse you can't say anything worse than shit Like anything worse than shit. Well, that's so weird because I feel like cussing is so natural Yeah, yeah, where it's like who's to say what's worse than shit is bitch worse than shit is asked worse than shit Comes I mean But what if what if your British what if you grew up with a British influence? Yeah, pussy is worse to them than like pussy and they're like, oh, and you're like, well, have you ever tried saying Lord Fanny in front of a British freak out? Yeah, like funny. Why would you say that? I'm like calm down. You're calling everyone. Yeah, and then you get like people who are like rural and they're like, what about coos and you're like, okay, well, that's not accepted anywhere. What even is that? I don't know. I mean, I heard it. That's like bar speed. Yeah, of a giant calling it a kiss. I think box is worse than all the box. Snatches pretty tough. Snatches rough. Snatches, but is like, it's when you're not British, it is. Yeah. It is. It is a tough one. That was the one I wasn't allowed to say at home. What? Fuck and prick. Huh. Yeah, prick. Prick to me is nothing. Yeah, but I feel like your dad or someone probably got called a prick a lot. My mom that my mom was like in this house. You do not think dad died, right? Yeah, but my mom, he was out by the time I was five. Okay. Okay. So it wasn't anything. But yeah. Oh, but we so we go to juniors last laugh. Okay. It's close. I feel like I'm like, I've never heard of this place. R.I.P. Shout out to Dennis, the guy that ran it. That was a guy that I knew, but this is like 15 years ago. Okay. This is right when Nate put out his comedy central presents. And so we go on the road and we show up and Nate like tells me he goes, dude, you cannot say, like going in, we're driving the Pennsylvania. He's like, don't say anything worse than shit. He's like, it'll be fun gig, but you can do it. Like Nate has this belief that I should be a clean comedian. Yeah. And I disagree with it. Yeah. Every time he brings it up, I'm like, that shit's lame. I like to say shit and fuck way too much. And by the way, he's not wrong. Sometimes I say it too much. When I'm working out new jokes, I go too many customers. Yeah. So we go to area, we go to juniors last laugh. We're there. It's the Thursday show. We're talking Dennis, the guys giving me the whole don't say anything worse than shit. I'm listening. I got it. Nate told me who's the MC and he goes, this means he's got Dennis go. We do this fun thing here where you could sign your friend up to MC. And now what do you mean? And he goes, so we pass around a bucket where we get the where we get the like cue cards that they fell on. You could sign your friend up. You got their phone number. You give them their phone number. We'll make him I'm see a show. You can come watch. So it's like a jackass stunt. Yeah. So they tell me they go, your MC is this guy over here. And when I tell you that he looked like and I'm not joking, I've said this for and I will say it again. And Nate will back me up probably not the proper word to jump this. He looked like a mentally retarded billber. He looked in a in a gray suit with a he had a vest under a sports coat with a gold chain red headed to look like billber missing some chromosomes. And I go over and I'm like, Hey man, how you doing? He had a lateral lift. And I was like, how many times this is this is how we meet. I go, Hey man, nice to meet you. I'm Dan. I'm I'm going to be featuring your MC and he's like, yeah, yeah. He's at the bar and I'm like, how many times you've done comedy? He goes, Oh, man, I've done karaoke like twice. And I was like, okay. So when you bring me up, say comedy central live at Gotham, Dan Soder. And then I'll come out and I'll do my 25 minutes. And he's like, okay, for sure. So I see him. He's like, guys, insanely nervous. There's no one at this. There's a show Nate sells arenas now like their fucking comedy clubs. This is when he's selling no tickets. There's no one at the show, except this guy's family and then a couple other tables. He gets on stage and immediately goes, Oh, fuck, these lights. He's bright. He's like, fuck, these lights. He's so fucking bright. And I'm in the back like hitting Nate. Like, I can't see anything. I can't curse, but this guy's just dropping at phones. Guy does maybe two minutes. Yeah. Full crossing. Thank God. The he did two minutes total. And then brings me up by saying Dan Soder from comedy central live at Gotham. Since in the front row, heckles me. And I'm up there. And he's echoing me and I look, I know Nate's in the back and I go, and I look at me like, what are you doing? He's like, ha, ha, cause I was starting to get the crowd. I was like starting. It was starting to become a comedy show. His family. And his, yeah, his family and everyone. And he was like getting into it. And he's like, fuck that. And I was like, all right. And then when I finished, that was my biggest joke was that Russian joke. And I went like, ha, ha. I went, thank you. And he's like, and I was like, hey, come back up. You got to come back up. Well, now he's had a couple of drinks. He goes on stage and does like 16 minutes. No, no, no. Dude, it was because I was about to say in the beginning, like, thank God, his like nervous energy made him only do two minutes. No, he came back a little drunk. It was like, I'm gonna stretch this out. It was wild. That was one of the craziest weekends I've ever seen in my life. We're now where I see Nate doing what he's doing. I go, he deserves that. I watched that happen. Yeah. Like, dude, that room sat over 400 people. No. And we, when we showed up and that Dennis guy was talking to us, he was like, good news though. This is in January because good news. We got a Christmas party that held over sold out Saturday early show. And later on, let's go 400 people. This will be great. Yeah. We're at Buffalo Wild Wings that Saturday. And we're eating and we're like, who's the, who's the game tonight? And we're like Pittsburgh Baltimore playoff game. They're a Steelers town. We show up. Out of the 400 people, there's maybe 50 people in the show room. Everyone else is in the bar watching the Steelers Ravens game because this is before you can just watch it on your phone. Yeah. So everyone is at the bar. So and for some reason, how it timed out, my set was at half time. So they all went into the room. I had a great show. And then I finished in the second half starts. And I, I watched Nate set being like, this is one of the craziest things I've ever seen. He was doing a set for like 25 people and the bar was reacting to the game while he was doing a set. That's crazy. Yeah. It was nuts. That's brutal. But I always think about that MC was like, oh yeah, they, these, that's the kind of guy that would probably write me now and go, you can have a tag on this end of this thing. Yeah. And it was like, do you think he talks about that? Like he says, like, I think he's dead. Yeah. I think that guy's probably dead. I think he probably either got, you know, probably Narcan back alive a couple times. And then or he's doing well. He pulls his tongue in now and he says things like spaghetti and slip and slides. I love that you knew lateral lips. Oh, it's where the tongue bleeds. It's where the tongue bleeds out to the side. The, there's the front one where the tongue goes. I love a front list. That's, that's the will, that's the cute one on kids. It's cute. Yeah. It's where the tongue. But the lateral lip is the one that makes my heart, I feel the most for. Yeah. Because it's adults with lateral lip. Yeah. And your tongue is getting in the way. Yeah. It's got to be tough to be an adult like willing to go to speech therapy. And then to tell your coworkers. Yeah. I got speech therapy on Thursdays and they go, but I think they do. Oh, do you? Oh, why is that? Is it because your essence is tough? Do you say you're like, what's that? No, no, it's a sucker and suffrage. Yeah. Please stop you in that. You're really hearing my feelings. But imagine cleaning it up. And like the first time you go, like, yeah, I said, that's slippery. It's like when I got lacic and I was just outside, like, look at the street sign. Can you read that? Yeah. It's slick. It's slick. And it's like, stop bragging. We get it. You fixed it. I don't know. I've never had any sort of lisp. No speech about it. No speech. I mean, but here, here's what I will say that I have only noticed because of comedy and people commenting on it. I didn't realize I like do, I like whistle my asses. Oh, you're kind of like the pervert and family guy. I never noticed it. Yeah. So funny. It was like the and Winnie the Pooh was the mole. Oh, do you remember the mole and Winnie the Pooh? No, I didn't even know that that was a character. Yeah, he would talk like that back. Well, you're like, do you know well rabbit wind? That's the annoying thing about comedy or like doing anything public is you notice things about yourself that you would have never noticed. Like people bring things. Sometimes I text him because he'll clip the show. Yeah. And then I'll send it to him and I'll go, the amount of times I say that you'll say something funny and I'll go, that's so funny. It makes me want to kill myself because it's it's it's like an autistic tick where it's my brain literally checking the joke and going, that is very funny. Uh-huh. Noted. I see you. I agree with what you have just said. I'm humorous. I also notice while I'm doing this. Yeah. Now I'm noticing that because I'm brought it to the fuck up. But I love it. You said it because hey, strong on. And that's got a good news for me today. Dance. So do you know what it is? What's causing that? How would you stop that? It's the way your tongue is moving. Like a lot of you can pitch totally it's on you. You can like just to be a lesbian. It's like you start working on my tongue. There's only one way out of this is you sucking coos. You got to suck coos on your way. Now it is It's all like speech therapy is all about how you move your mouth. Racine's wife is a speech therapist. - Oh yeah. - He's got a great job or a great joke about Staten Island speech therapist and she's like, now say it again with me, the dog went out, it's very funny. But yeah, it's like all you have to learn how to like move 'cause yours is probably like the way you just. - I don't even know. I was like looking at myself in the mirror, trying to talk without doing it and it's not. It's like trying to watch yourself dance. - I love watching myself dance. - Do you? - Yeah. - I'm like a dancer. - You want me to call something gay? The fastest I'll call something gay is me and dancing, I'll just stop it. - Stop it. - Like I'm John Lithgow and Footloose. - Uh-huh. - I'm like, "Stop fucking dancing." - Dude, one time we went to Shane's Halloween party in Pennsylvania last year and Katie and I dressed up as the sticky bandits. - Who are the sticky ones? - From Homelown, Marvel. - Oh, yes, yes, yes. - She did great, she did. - I don't know they had a name. - They're like the wet bandits and the sticky bandits. - Yeah, the Marvin Harry. And we dressed up as Marvin Harry but Shane's girlfriend invited all of her hot friends. So that became the distraction. So we were just dressed like the bad guys from Homelown and we thought it was really funny that these young, the hot girls were watching Marvin freak on Harry and being like, like she was like dropping it on me and I was like, "But I had so much fun." She said this the next day, she goes, "You were like dancing, like having fun dancing." And I was like, because I was in costume. - Yeah. - I felt like, well, no one knows. It's, I don't know, I'm fucking dancing. Whatever. - It's your family. It tuckered out. It was so wet. - It's exactly it. - Where I was like, "I feel like dancing." I feel like dancing with you. And I was like, "I fucking let it loose." But I had so much fun. Dancing's a lot of fun. - Dancing's a blast. - Hey guys, I know it's gay, but it's fun. - It's a blast. - Do it. - I was performing the other night and I'm like, trying to work on this thing where guys are so afraid of things they do seeming gay. - Yeah, well, we were just talking about this with Dana Gould, where I said the gayest thing is it's all for other men. - Yeah. - It's just like you're doing this for other men. - In all of the things that straight men think are gay or just things that are fun. - It's releasing themselves. - And I'm like, "Have fun." - It's crazy. I didn't know, and this is interesting with me. I asked this question to Louie Katz, a long-term friend. And I have a lot of long-term friends that are shorter Jewish men. And I asked him, "Why are you guys always so horny?" All my friends that are short Jewish guys love sex. And he immediately was like, "Because there's no shame "in the Jewish religion about sex." And I went, "Dog, I didn't even realize "people are out here having sex and joying." - Yeah. - I just doing it to do it and then to have it be done. There's people who fuck and they go like, "This is like, it's like stretching." - Yeah. - Like I didn't realize until I was in my 40s, stretching rules. - I love stretching. - I stretch my hips every morning. - What are you doing? In better, out of bed. - In bed, I like pull my hips up and I like do it across. - It's some good cracks. - Oh, no cracks, because I've been doing it for so long that I'm like, and also I'll sit with my legs crossed and guys, trust me, comment section on this episode. That shit's gay. - I would love to see you cross apple sauce. - I do, right? - Do you please. - Yeah, so I sit all the time. I'll do it right here. - I don't think I've ever seen a man and a full grown man. That's so sweet. - I sit like, I'll sit like that. - And by the way, it does look juvenile, and it does look-- - It does look so nice. - But guess what? I got hip range, baby. - Yeah. - You know what, you know how much better it is instead of having like, having like hips that are old. It's locked. But this is my whole life. I was like, oh, I didn't know people were enjoying sex. I masturbated and I was like, I'm filled with shame. And you go, no, there's people that are like, explore, I had an ex-girlfriend that used to do this. That I owe her so much 'cause she would be like, well, you just relax and enjoy your body. And she'd be like, touching me and I'm like, all right, you know, and she lived here. She lived in LA, but she would be like very much like, just relax, be naked. - That's such an LA thing. - And I'd be like this, ah, I don't know. I feel, dude, I remember this girl in Queens that I was dating. I wanted to sleep in my underwear. We had just hooked up and I was putting my underwear back on to go to bed. - Yeah. - And she was like, why are you putting your underwear on? And I was like, go to sleep. - Yeah. - And she was like, sleep, what are you doing? We just had sex, sleep naked. And I was like, I don't run you. - Why? Because you were like embarrassed about being naked. - Well, I was in her bed. - Yeah. - And truth be told, there's nothing sillier than like a soft penis is. When you're a man and someone sees your soft penis, that's like, you're seeing me vulnerable. - Yeah, but women, I feel like women are so empathetic. - They are. - I love, there's nothing cute or, you know what's scary? A not soft penis. - Well, for women. - Hard penis, that is disturbing. - I know. It's like, put it away. - It's a weapon. - Yeah. - And you're like, well, it's like when someone comes in holding a samurai sword, you go, "Hey, I know you're joking, this could hurt someone." - Yeah. - Look at it. Look at it. - Yeah. - Yeah, but I was insecure and she was like, "Why are you putting on your underwear?" And also, the real reason I was scared wasn't the soft penis. It was 'cause, what if I have a poopy butt? And I don't know it. - Yes. - What if I have a poopy butt? - 'Cause that makes sense to me. I like, I don't want my lips out to the world. I don't want a spider coming into the bed and crawling inside my couch. - I wanted to tell about that. You guys have spider holes. - Yes. - He doesn't just put it on cause of spider holes - You're not just getting a bug bite on your coat and then you just start reaching out. - Oh, did you look homeless? - You look like a train track lady. This lady lives on the train tracks. - I don't want elements coming into my clothes. - I, and it's so funny now 'cause Katie, we sleep the same, like I'll sleep in my underwear and she sleeps in her underwear in like a t-shirt. But when you date people that are very comfortable with their bodies, they're like, be naked. It's free and you go, "I understand how good that must feel. I can't do it." - You know what I think would be great for you? - What? - Naked dancing in the mirror alone. I think that would like-- - I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna tell you right now. I agree with you, Allie. I agree with you. That's gonna have to happen on this tour when I'm in a hotel. - I think something powerful would happen. - And I'll tell you where it's gonna happen. I'll tell you when I'm at my closest to dancing naked in a mirror. - Smoking a bowl before I get into shower before the shows. - Yeah. - When I get a little high and I put on some tunes, might be a little pan-dora. It's gonna have to be yacht rock or billi-ocean radio. - Yes. - Shout out billi-ocean radio. Out of all the oceans, I sail the billi-ocean. And Caribbean Queen coming on and I will do that. - Okay, good. - Please text me afterwards. - I'm gonna go, I have freed myself. - Yeah. - And I think it would be good. - And honestly, Katie's seen me naked dance. I haven't seen myself naked dance. - Yes, it's what you see. - I'll come out with music. Rob Thomas was on the podcast. And I kept playing, "Give me your home, make a room." - I don't know how to do that. - So I come out naked. Do-do, do-do. And I shake my wiener at her to that. And then it became Mertel's entrance song into the room. - I think once you're seeing yourself do it, you're gonna go through so many waves. It's like first, you're gonna be giggling. You're gonna be like, "This is ridiculous." - I'll give you some. I'm a dummy. - Who am I? - What am I doing? And then you're gonna get into it. You're gonna lock in and be like, - Oh, this is- - You're gonna start like touching yourself. And like, yeah. - Yeah. - Occupato when they're knocking on the bathroom. No service today, please. And then, but like you said, it is cyclical. Then the next stage will be, "Who are you, you gay, what? What are you doing?" Stop dancing. - You know what, joke I think about so often. - What? - Dane cooks joke about crying and then wanting to look at yourself in the mirror crying, but then it makes you stop crying because you're looking at yourself, so then you have to try and get out again to keep it going. - Like reworking back and that's such a fantastic joke. - It's so good. - 'Cause you do. You like see it, you know? - Yeah. - And then you go. - That's why I think it's so psychotic talking about your skepticism, the videos of people crying in their cars, 'cause it's like, yo, you had to sit that up. - Yes. - And I've seen people make that video where they go, where they show like, I'm having a breakdown, they show the lighting and stuff and then they go. - Oh, I just had this moment where I would never post it, but I wanted proof that I was so emotional and worked up about something. I was performing at hilarities in Cleveland. - Shout out. - Shout out. - Love it, love the hotel. Love what's up Scott? What's up everybody that works there? - Everybody but Nick, the owner. - Hey, did you get that baseball bat? - No, no, I didn't tell enough tickets to get any gifts, but Nick, the owner, I love him. He's so old and he's so funny and just cares about comedy and is just the most beautiful man and I love him. And he walked me back to my hotel after the last night and I was honestly like, you can come up here and do what you want, like I love him so much. And he's just such a gentleman and so sweet. And so I'm inside the hotel, he's outside. I'm waiting for the elevator. We're both like waving, like it's like a movie. Like they both keep looking and waving. - Why? - And when I got into the elevator, I immediately started sobbing. - Why? - Because I'm like, what if I don't see him again? - Oh, I get it. - He's in good shape and I think I'll have that at least one more visit. - I understand that. That like this is a moment I'll think about. Like a fog. could take him out like who knows like I don't know but I was just so moved by his I get that you know what it is is I had a moment like that with my grandma a couple years ago where I hugged it wasn't even the last time I saw her yeah but the way she hugged me I go this is going to be this is what made me cry is I went this is going to be a moment I think about 10 years from now where I go I had a moment with my grandmother where I went I love you and she said thank you for all you do for me I love you and then you hugged and I went go to bed and I'm here watching your little me up the stairs and I was like oh and I had that moment where you're like don't yeah but you recorded it that didn't record I wasn't like filming myself but I was like I'm going to say I'm crazy if I try and tell someone that I like cried like it just sounds dramatic so like I just need a photo of me oh dude and then it's like of course I like kind of him trying to look like beautiful in the photo someone like no one will see I'm so sad but am I yeah am I really said oh you cut that's what a lot of it is it's like oh you caught me doing this really cool thing everything is porn that's what I've been talking about on stage everything is porn everything is set up where it's like this is such a situation you can't me and once you find out all those videos are faking shit you're just like man fuck everybody yeah it really does give you this like nihilistic view the only thing that I trust is videos with animals because no those are the ones you shouldn't no but let me those are the least trustworthy because you think they're trained I'm talking about like when a dog goes nuts for a trash guy oh yeah my golden retriever loves our trash guy they go we don't deserve dogs yeah when they're just like nice oh god like the bunnies on the trampoline or AI that was AI that was AI oh brother you want to talk about it and I that will used to be a bit of mine but animals being friends they shouldn't be friends yeah that's here's a here's an elephant and a golden retriever that for some reason or like this golden retriever grew up around all these puma cubs and now they think she's her mom and you're like I live for that yeah humans on internet kick rocks my sisters for the first time have thought that I was maybe on the autism spectrum okay because we were just on a trip in Montana and there were so many dogs out and about yeah and so I stopped to pet almost every single one of them great not the ugly ones I do have limits I don't think all dogs are beautiful there some dogs are really gross and I won't even acknowledge the dog exists I feel bad because when my prejudice comes out for ugly dogs it's I'm very cold to them and I don't like being cold to a dog I don't mind really if I say I'm like I'm not gonna pet you I'm not gonna say no I go and that makes me think everyone thinks that about you which makes me think you don't have the the right amount of pets so I feel then like I need to pet you because everyone else is going this ugly motherfucker I'm not gonna pet him and then I go oh I don't want to but here's my thing and two dogs are just come on there I see how my dog gets it she's just living in it but the ugly dogs I do like because they're ugly it's the dogs that I won't pet I won't pet a doodle yeah we get it to like they're like a fake manicure dog I like to like listen I understand you love your doodle my mom had a doodle for 17 years they're cute they're fine it is the picture of all the white women in the tan hats with the tan boots you're a basic bitch yeah pumpkin spice poodle pumpkin spice pumpkin spice ask poodle yeah and I know we're gonna catch heat for it but you know what you got to hear the fucking truth I wanted to dial that hell guess what I dance making yeah I can't tell me I don't like your golden doodle sorry I don't know if you heard but I dance naked in the mirror I don't give a fuck I'm allowed to say what I want but man I'll tell you what you know what really changed you about a doodle yeah big eyes big eyes on a doodle and then you lock in you go come on or if you if I go to pet a dog I go sidehand on their face if they push in yeah yes if they push in there is no dog ugly I'm there dude dogs go in your crotch are just mine uh that dog yesterday when that crotch when we were going to CVS remember that big ass fucking bulldog and I was like ah I think women it goes in your crotch yeah yeah because I'm like at first I was like oh maybe it's because I'm a stinky girl because I know that about myself I'm like kind of a stinky girl I don't shower every day whatever sure so I'm like when the dog goes to the crotch I go yeah of course I'm a stinky girl yeah of course but then if I shower and the dog still goes I'm like okay do I need to go to the guy now like is it an internal like is it I'm such a hypokondriac that if a dog sniffs me too much I go is this one of those cancer dogs yeah like just now I have a joke about that right now because my dog will sometimes lay directly on top of me and I go oh great I have one of these gifted disease smelling dogs he'll like look me in the eyes and lay directly on me and I'm like I have a special sickness smelling since we're sharing our weird shit that we do uh he knows the setup usually where we do the podcast in in a apartment the murderous kennel right pimp and you know where the window is so I get you know every night I get high and I play video games and we open that window and I smoke a joint and Murdole always is in her kennel when I play video games just play it sometimes she will come out of her kennel and she'll look out the window and we're on the 30 like we're in we're high up she looks out the window and gets alarmed in a way that I'm high that I go is she seeing a UFO is she seeing a UFO and it's and it's cloaked to human eyes but all guys because there's that new horror movie coming out called good boy about a dog that sees a demon and it's through the perspective of the dog which no thanks yeah that sounds bananas no the perspective of a dog but no it's like watch the trailer it's freaky like that you see the demon coming up in the dog but it's like the camera like they do a little of that and then they do like they do some found footage and they also do some other shit from what I can tell I might be wrong but she'll come out of her kennel and then she'll freak out and come up on the couch around me and then now I'm fucking spinning yeah and I go what did you see in the sky it's weird that you go to UFO because mine is like a haunted like colonial woman sure mine is New York city they're gonna have to have a cloaking device yeah you think the UFOs is gonna float around like it's fucking Omaha and Nebraska yeah they can go bras off in Omaha you're in New York you better have a boost you are because mother fuckers are staring up in the sky a lot so I just worry that's my worry that like Myrtle sees aliens and she's kind of like yeah yeah cuz man if she got sucked out of that window by a by a flying saucer what if she committed to I've thought about that imagine her just jumping off dogs coming left like a little a little note in her kibble oh she was like this was hell yeah she goes Myrtle was here I think my dog's depressed why heavy sign yeah heavy sign he's got side though he's got sad eyes if you saw people have commented they go he looks sad don't you always take that personal a little like we love him we we give him everything we used to live in Hoboken and there was this dog but it's really a dog park that we really loved going to and this like model this like lady there are there were people in Hoboken that were like normal this is like normal people and then there were like these like really expensive buildings with people that you could tell how to fucking shit ton of money that were like down by the water so they're like penthouse looks out at Manhattan and this woman you could tell like always came dressed a macula hair was always perfect you could tell she was like either herself rich or dating a very wealthy guy and she had like a almost like a husky mix very huskies I don't like yeah if I see a husky I'm not petting it why they smell their hairy they shed they drool those are all dogs gross those are all dogs I will not pay your huskies I will and I'll go and your dog will go this guy wow you do dog impressions good too dog voices it's not just humans you got huskies down you got such a good bang we're at we're at the dog park and Merdle needed a haircut yeah and she's already kind of like as she already looks like can you do a Merdle impression no I'm really fat I'm fat give me a treat what's it what's your dog's voice we don't have one I can't figure out my dog's voice it's very it's the hardest to find your own I'm I still owe my friend and his kids they love that I do the voices for their dogs well send them voice notes of like oh I think Rangers voice would be this and then I'll have it sometimes and I'll change it I still owe so Jenna if you're watching this I will send a voice my most into the kids because they get like upset they're like Uncle Soder hasn't said new dog voice but Merdle we used to do Southern because she's from Nashville okay she's from Tennessee so we used to have miss Merdle oh miss Merdle and then it became Scottish because of the eyebrows which is always fun yeah but we don't really have it because she's her own she flies by her own you know yeah me and my boyfriend are very different ideas of our dog got what's your idea like my idea of my dog is like he's like maybe like a professor like an old yeah kind of but like a little bit more like not as peppy as that like a little more slow because he's sad I'm standing that the world you must understand But then he's also kind of gay, which I think everyone thinks their dog is gay. Yes, but I kind of like that. Yeah. Life isn't really worth living less. He sounds like a like an old poet, like a, like a, like a 17th century poet. Totally. Whereas like if I was to live, it would be to die. That's what I think it is. And what is your boyfriend think? Like a, like a sassy gay man. Like bitch. Yeah. You better look at it. Some R.I.P. or Riley, uh, Riley, we said was a, a little gay man and he was a, yeah, who was a gay dog and he was very like bitch. Yes. I used to call him. It was a boy dog, but I call him my sister. Oh, no, there's my sister, Riley. We thought our dog, Riley was like a gay man, but like kind of maybe closeted transgender because we're like, there's a lot that you don't understand about what I'm going through. It's very fun. Yeah. So does have a little lesbo energy. She's got it like, hey, I don't know. She humps. I love a dog that humps. So I, I probably do my little, a little more masculine, probably dumb, you know, like a, probably a, a butch. She's got a toolbell. Yeah. She goes, Hey, I think that's pretty cool. I'm pumped about the upcoming WNBA playoffs. And honestly, I just love Carol. Carol and I get along. We eat each other's pussies. Wait. Yeah. And do you, she doesn't when people don't pay attention to the dog park when dogs don't pay attention to her. And do you like acknowledge it or do you let it happen? Oh, I break it up. Immediate. Oh, okay. Why? Other people freak out about it. Yeah. Why? Because they don't know it's a girl at first. And their initial thing is it's, okay, they think they're dog. So I have to go, no, no, no, no, she's just a little lesbo. She just thinks she, she just thinks she, she, she saw your dog from across the park. She started singing a little Melissa Etheridge as you walked over to pump your dog. She was, she was singing some lesbo tunes. I like watching people get humped by dogs. Watching people? Yeah. No. It's traumatic for me. I think it's so funny to see how people react to it. I had, I used to walk to school in elementary school, right? And I was walking to school, Scott LeCaptain, who lives in, he, real government name. He lives in Los Angeles, he could, he can, in fact, last time we had dinner, he brought this story up. We were walking to school and we were like, we're looking at the school. We're in the field on the other side of the playground. And out of fucking nowhere, a golden retriever runs up, puts its paws on my back, shoulders, and starts trying to fuck me. Johnny Jones and Scott LeCaptain, my three friends that are with me think this is the funniest thing ever. No. And I have a golden retriever at home. So it was like I was getting by a family member, so I'm like, get away from me. And the dog was like, paws like arms, like a human in a dog suit with. And I was like, and they think it's the funniest thing, and they're going, so I was getting humped, so that's why I'm like, I don't like dogs hump of people, man, fuck that. And that's why you were underwear to sleep the night. I'm not letting a golden retriever butt fuck me in my sleep with his little red rocket. Damn. I think it's so funny when people get humped how they react because they have, they like look around. They think that like someone's actually having sex with them. I mean, while it's like a little pomeranian on their arm and they're like, I don't want this. I don't want this. No one thought you would. Yeah. No one's like, oh, fuck. Look at this. Oh, should I push back? He's putting your arm back. Yeah, he pushed back. You're like, oh, fuck it. Take that. What is that? What do you fucking do it? Yeah, it is dogs humping you as the funniest one is Katie and I were watching something on TV one time and it was, um, cringey. It was like a lady singing on a thing where she wasn't a singer. She was interviewing Garth Brooks and she started singing and we both were like, oh, we're about like, oh, and Katie literally was so cringey. Katie jumped over the couch because she's like, I can't watch this. She's joking around. She jumps over the couch and I'm like, no, and Mertle at the moment was like, this is my time to seize power. Yeah. She just grabbed my leg and started trying to fuck it and I go, I go, Katie, look at the dog and she's like, and I went, what are you doing in it? Mertle was like, what's up? Like snapped out of it and she's like, you guys are cool. What's going on? I don't know. I taught people to freak it out. I don't know. It's so funny. Yeah. And then one time we left Mertle with Katie's mom and when we picked her up, she goes, yeah, Mertle would like rub a chest on my leg and Katie was like, mom, she was humping your leg. Yeah. She's like, no, she would grab it and she'd rub it on a chest and you're like, no, she's full on. She's fully humping you. Yeah. I mean, when you see it, you go, at a dog park, you got to go, like, you have to run across and be like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, someone brought like a, like a, like a dog. What's the girl when they don't get fixed? Is it spade or neuter? Spade? It's spade. Yeah. Neuter is boy spade is girls. Okay. So there was a girl dog with like full pussy. Yeah, it's crazy. When they're heat, they like, they'll, it's truly like animal kingdom. It's crazy. They go nuts. And this person brought their dog in need to the park and so all these dogs are going crazy. They want that poo non-need. Oh my god. It was so funny. Yeah. Yeah. I think you're like, Bella's a ball. Well, because you see, like, I think the reason why it's funny is because it's like, humans have so many layers of like, what's good to do? What's not good to do? Also, you have to like, introduce yourself. Yes. You have to go to a dinner. Yeah. You have to. Have conversation. And so to just see a dog, be like, I fucking want your legs so fucking bad. Oh, fuck it. I'm fine. I'm fine. Yeah. You're fucking like soul. - You're not going to mock 'cause you're in he-- - It's incredible. - Yeah, you're like, it is very funny. My, I was staying with my uncle in Aspen. He used to live outside of Aspen, Carbondale. - Okay. - Very nice, very sheet sheet. He had a really nice house. He had a backyard that was property. So, but he had a fence. It had like a wood fence within like a chain link around it because of all the animals, you're in the Rockies. He was like, ton of shit, snakes and shit. And he had a golden retriever, and she was in heat. And he and his wife went out to this New Year's Eve dinner. And I remember this specifically, it was New Year's Eve 97 and a 98 and Chris Rock, or no, it was 99, when was it? It was, it was, bring the pain. Chris Rocks bring the pain and he put it out. Oh, you're fucking like soul. Cause you weren't gonna, you couldn't just go to the beginning or dial it up on demand. Yeah. You had to like watch it. So what happened was it was the end of bring the pain and I was watching it. And I was like, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. And then it started from HBO's just playing it again. So I went sick. I'm gonna watch this whole special. My uncle before he went to dinner was like, watch the dog. Like, if you let her out, watch the dog. And I was like, totally. And I let her out. And then just watched over an hour of Chris Rock doing stand up. No. A couple months later, like no more than a month later, he's like, hey, my dog's pregnant. Because she was in heat while dogs, like came to the fence and then fucked her through the fence. No, I don't know how I didn't see that one there. Prison style. But she, prison style, like a CEO, like when a CEO gets caught, fucking a prisoner. Like dude, straight up through the bars. They brought the pain. Yeah, they brought the pain and got her pregnant. Oh my goodness. And he was so mad at me. He was like, dude, what the fuck? What kind of dogs? What dog ever? It was like a mix. It was like a black dog. It was like literally like a wild dog that was like just living up in the mountains. And it just fucking got her pregnant. That's wild. And I still try to deny that it was my fault. There must be. So this is me admitting it. We must have like as human people, there must be like, I know that we have pheromones. For sure. But I'm like, is a woman in heat? Like when she's on her period, do you guys smell like the nickels? And they're like, I think it is like, I think that I think it's in different ways. Yeah. Like I think it's maybe not that, but I think it's like, we like, like I think big tits are a sign that you're like, Oh, that woman is can make babies. Or she can make babies. Like she's got, she's got the feedbacks on her. Yeah. You know, feedback is such a horrible word for tits. But it is like, I think it's something like that. You know what always is. But I'm like, is there a time like because we think about and I know this is gross. And I know this is, but I remember, I remember the obsession with Britney Spears. I remember her being like 17, 18 years old and people being like feral. Yeah. Being like, yo, Britney Spears, like America was feral for that woman. Yeah. And then she had kids and it stopped. Yeah. And people are like, you had your kids. And then she was crazy. Just an age thing that's the heater. It's not like a monthly thing where it's like one of my parents. I don't think it's a monthly thing. I think it's like an age thing. I think it's why barely legal, like all that shit. Yeah. Like 22 year old girls are, cause it's like, oh, you're just fucking ready to shoot a baby out. Yeah. And that's why they're like, we're mean to women in their 40s. Cause we're like, one of the kids and you go, this is a very good career. And she's a wonderful person. But I think the animal part of our brains is like, that's like cheerleaders and shits. Cause you're like, oh, you're fucking, you're ready to have a baby. That's our in heat. And I also think for dudes, it just doesn't end an old man. Cause we can make babies till you're like 70. So they're just like, that's why older men date younger women. Cause they're like, look at her. She's in here. heat. Imagine if they called it that, you're like, "Oh, she's in heat." You're like, "Ooh." Yeah, I'd like that. Yeah. You go, "That kind of gets me hot." I want someone to see me and be like, "Are you in heat?" I have this or her. Yeah, I'm sorry. I know we just met, but are you in heat or just girls going, "Sorry, I'm in heat." This is like a lot of guys being like, "How about your drink? How about your drinks?" Yeah, I'm in heat. I'm so sorry. You know, especially living in L.A. When you see like an old guy, dude, I saw the fucking living in New York in the neighborhood I live in. Sometimes you see older dudes with young, like, like, third wives, you know what I mean? Or they're just like, and they're always, this is what I always knows about them. The guys always want to touch the young hot girls and the girls do not like it. Yeah. Like, I don't care. They can say like, "Hey, I'm a matured from age." This guy was walking down by Broadway, like, right around the corner for my thing, where the flat iron building is, and he was like rubbing this girl's shoulder, and he was like, "Oh," and she was like, "I swear to God, Ali." She was like 22 years old, and she was incredibly beautiful, might have been European, and he was like, "older," and he was just like, "Oh," and she was He was just like not feeling it. That was in heat. - Yeah. - 'Cause he was like, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh." And she was like, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh And she was like, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh." And she was like, "Stop, I think that's it, man." And the last time I came out to LA, dude, I have pictures in my phone. Young, hot girl with like scattered tattoos, super beautiful, weird bangs, that kind of thing where they go. I'm gonna give, I'm so hot I can give myself a fucked up haircut, and you'll still want to fuck me. And then it's like Jersey Guido, older dude, Big belly, overly tan, just dripping in jewelry. He couldn't stop touching her at the gate, and I was like, "Oh, and then we got in the sea, and they were sitting in first class, too, and the amount of times they called each other baby, where he's going, "Yeah, baby, and Katie and I do that as a joke." We'll go, "Yeah, you want to fuck an order of breadsticks, baby?" We always do disgusting shit with that voice, like we're gonna go puff candy, baby. So it takes Katie. I go, "Dude, older guy, younger girl, baby, and the shit out of this." And she was like, "Please keep me informed." And then I watched this girl with her phone do the shit where she was taking the, and then I watched her on TikTok, dude, the Delta menu and zoom in, and then show the slipper as they give you. And I was like, "Oh, this girl, this girl's fucking for this ticket." Yeah. And then you know the partition in between- I bet her have been one of those fully reclined later back then. It was delta one. How sad would it be to hook up with a guy just for like- It's probably more incline- Just a wire seat. Just a wire seat. For the leg room. Yeah. For comfort plus the LA. No, I have this on my, I gotta show you these pictures because I sent it to Katie and I was like, "Dude, this girl is full on like doing videos and then he would reach over and try to touch her." Yeah. And she would be like, "Is she just like, let him here, let me find it because I sent it out here it is." Oh yeah. And I was like, "It's so funny because she did a TikTok and then I noticed in her TikTok that it's just me and my 49ers hat just like looking at my phone." Yeah. But I could see her screen because she didn't have a screen protector on it. So I was like- Do you have a screen protector on yours? Yeah. You don't? No, I do. But people are like, "Oh, I was just with my sisters." And they're like, "That's so sketchy." And I'm like, "I'm not doing anything weird. I'm just talking shit about people constantly." I don't want people. Also, what kind of lawyer are you? Do you have blinds at your house? Yeah. You have blinds on your window, right? Yeah. Then I got a fucking screen protector on my phone. Dude, I live in New York City. Do you have any people's, I get on the subway, I read people's texts? Reading everyone's texts. I'm so nosy. Me too. I'm so nosy. You know what I mean? You stop that? You get a screen protector. And then you get mad. Dude, Katie was trying to read my phone. She goes, "I forgot you had that fucking screen protector on it." You bought it for me. Yeah. She was the first person that did it. Yeah. And I was like, "Oh, yeah, this is great." I bought one for my boyfriend, and then I remember him using it and me being like, "What are you doing in your house?" What are you doing over there? Why? What's going on? But it is. It's like, for when you're on the subway or a fucking airplane, dude, Sagalo and I landed at this place and this old woman in front of me was going through her algorithm, but she was doing the, she was running the circuit, she was going Twitter to Facebook to email the Twitter. Yeah. You know how our brains do that? We don't even notice. We're jumping from one to another. Yeah. So she did the Instagram Twitter Facebook, Instagram Twitter Facebook, and it made me, it gave me anxiety. Yeah. It was like worse than any trip I've ever had. You know what? I love old people because they're fun. I could read it from 20 feet away. She's Robinson. I can read it literally being downstairs. And also old people send the craziest text. They're so horny. And they're big and they're like, oh, dude, what, oh, they're mean in their horny and they mean in their horny. And they go, I want to get away and make love to your, yes, your bottom. Yeah, they act like it's like a, like it's like a war letter. Yeah. Once I see you back. I need you, my darling. Yeah. I need you. We're, we're, we've gone past the time that we've rented the studio. Hmm. Sorry. Well, I won't be covering the overtime. You owe us 50 bucks. Alimakowski is one of my favorite comedians. You're fucking hilarious. Make sure you follow her. Go follow her on Instagram. Do you have a YouTube channel? Yeah. What do you have to plug? Come see me on the road, go to Alimakowski.com. You should see me do comedy live. You should. I'm vouching. She's fucking always. This is all I wanted from Neil Brennan and I got it from you. So thank you. And now I learned I'm going to dance naked in a hotel room. Yes. And you're telling me and I ain't touching your fucking poodle.