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If you love your partner but desire doesn't show up the way it used to, you may be wondering if your libido is gone, or if something is wrong with your relationship. But most of the time, desire hasn't disappeared, it just changed. And once you understand how desire actually works, you can start creating the conditions for it to come back. 'Cause here's a thing. I never want sex to feel like another obligation than your to-do list or something you owe your partner. That's the opposite of what we're going for. In this episode, I'm going to show you what happens when sex disappears, what the research actually tells us, and one simple practice you can try this week to start feeling connected again, without forcing anything. I'm Dr. Emily Morris. I have a doctor and human sexuality, and I've hosted the Sex with the Emily podcast for more than 20 years. I spent decades talking with experts reading the research, and most importantly, listening to thousands of people navigating real relationships and real sex lives. Here's something nobody really teaches us. The kind of desire we see in movies that can't keep your hands off each other, rip your partners clothes off the minute they walk through the door kind of desire, that's often what happens early in relationship. That's the honeymoon phase. For many couples, that phase naturally changes after the first year or two. The novelty wears off, your brain chemistry shifts, and life gets fuller. None of that means your relationship is broken. It simply means your desire may not work the way it did in the beginning. And honestly, that's where so many people get stuck. They think, well, if I don't feel spontaneous desire anymore, I guess my libido's gone. That, necessarily, your desire may not have disappeared. It just may have changed shape. If you remember one thing from today's episode, let it be this. Desire isn't something you sit around waiting for. It's something you learn how to cultivate. That's huge. That's a very different mindset. One person says, I don't want sex anymore. So I guess that's just who I am now. And another person says, I'm not feeling desire the way I used to. So maybe I need to understand what helps me access it now. Those are two completely different conversations. So where do you start with curiosity? I've been saying for years, a great sex starts with curiosity, not judgment. You don't always have to feel turned on before you begin connecting with your partner. Sometimes your body catches up after you've started feeling emotionally or physically connected. That's what we call responsive desire. And we'll talk a lot more about that today. For now, I want you to start asking yourself two simple questions. What helps me feel connected to my partner and what's getting in the way? Because usually something is. And if you listen to me for any amount of time, you already know one of my biggest answers, stress. I've been saying this for decades. Stress is one of the biggest cock blocks out there. When your nervous system is stuck in survival mode, pleasure isn't exactly your body's top priority. So instead of sitting around, waiting to magically feel desire again, start creating the conditions where desire actually has a chance to show up. Now, before we get into exactly how to do that with just a simple 20 minute exercise you can try this week. I hope you do it. I want to share two really important guardrails. Now, before we get into how to create those conditions for desire, I want to make two important points. Okay, first, who this episode is for? This is for couples who've been together. Let's say three years, five years, 15 years, maybe longer. You love each other, but life has gotten life. You're busy. You're exhausted. Maybe you're raising kids. You're caring for aging parents, your building careers. And maybe you're navigating paramanopause or menopause. Maybe you started new medication. Maybe stress has just completely taken over and somewhere along the way sex became less frequent or just disappeared altogether. If that's you, you're exactly who I'm talking to you today. But it also want to be really clear about who this episode is not for. If you're in a relationship with abuse, coercion, betrayal that's still unfolding or sex that's painful and hasn't been medically evaluated, that's a whole different conversation. Those situations are real support from a therapist, a physician or another qualified professional. This isn't about pushing through something that doesn't feel safe, which brings me to something I know some of you might be thinking. You might hear me say, "Create the conditions for desire and think, 'Wait, are you telling me to have sex when I don't want to?'" Absolutely not. In fact, I'm saying the opposite because there's a huge difference between duty sex and responsive desire. I think a lot of people confuse it too. Duty sex sounds like this. I have to, they're going to be upset if I say no. I should, I owe them. That's obligation. That's pressure. And I never want you to override a genuine no. I've said it before. I'll say it again. Your no matters. A real no. Something to honor. Responsive desire is completely different. It sounds more like, "I'm not feeling turned on right now, but I'm open." Or, "Let's cuddle for a while. Let's make out. Let's give each other massages and see what happens." Do you notice the difference? One is obligation. The other is curiosity. The other say, "I have to." The other says, "I'm really the explorer." That's a really important distinction. So how do you know the difference in your own body? Well, start paying attention to what your body is telling you. A healthy yes usually feels chosen. It feels safe, relax. Like, you know you could stop at any point. And your partner would totally respect that. An unhealthy yes? It's like, you feel frozen, you feel anxious, you feel resentful. You're like, "When is this going to be get over with?" You know? Like, it feels like you've been abandoned in yourself to make someone else happy. If that's what your body is telling you, you better listen to it. Consent isn't just saying yes. Consent also means knowing you can change your mind, you can slow down, you can stop altogether. You know, ironically, when you truly know that you have that freedom, it's so interesting saying yes often feels a whole lot easier. It's when it feels like an obligation that the resentment's built. So, let that you've been in a relationship where that yes has been missing for a while. Think about this. What actually happens? Now, most people think the problem is simply that they're just not having sex. But I don't think that's a whole story. Often it's everything that quietly disappears alongside of it. You may stop thinking of yourself as a sexual person. You may stop flirting, you stop lingering in a hug, you stop reaching for each other on the couch, you stop kissing for more than just a few seconds. And your partner may stop initiating because they don't want to be rejected. You may stop initiating because you're afraid they'll expect more than you're ready for. And little by little, you stop choosing each other in those small everyday moments. And before you know it, you become incredible roommates. You know, you love each other and your roommates, you run the household, you manage the calendar, you raise a kid, you pay the bills. You even have an amazing friendship. You're best friends. And by the way, friendship is incredibly important. But friendship alone isn't what keeps the erotic energy alive. You know, it does. It's the flirting, the playfulness, the long kiss before work, the 30-second hug, the eye contact, the little touches, you know, that say, "I still see you." Those things matter just as much as sex itself. And there's actually research that supports this. So one study looked at more than 30,000 adults and found that couples who had sex about once a week tended to report greater relationship satisfaction and overall being. And it's interesting the benefits leveled off after that. So this isn't about chasing some magic number or thinking more is always better. Now another study looked at about 6,000 married and co-habitating adults and found that couples who had sex less often were also more likely to experience relationship breakdown. Especially couples who were living together but weren't married. Okay, let me give you the caveat. Because I always want to be responsible with research. This doesn't mean less sex causes a relationship to end. Correlation is not causation. Plenty of loving couples go through dry spells and they come out stronger than ever. What the research does tell us is that physical intimacy is one of the ways many couples continue saying, "I choose you." And when that signal goes quiet sometimes for a long time, some people begin to feel less chosen. Now that's important. Not because you should panic, but because it's worth paying attention to. Before months or years, I've heard this, years, years, years go by and you've never talked to buy it and you've never dealt with it. So what's the way back? People often ask me, "Do we need to feel emotionally connected before we have sex?" Sometimes yes. But here's the interesting part. Sometimes sex or even affectionate, non-sexual touch. You know, it's like a hug. That's what helps us feel emotionally connected. So it works both ways, you know, holding each other, making out, massaging each other, cuddling without an agenda. All of those things can help calm your nervous system and remind your body that you're safe with your partner. And remember what I've been saying this entire episode, stress is one of the biggest cock blocks out there. So you might be doing these things already. But when your nervous system is stuck in fight, flight, freeze, pleasure is not your body's priority. In fact, pleasure isn't even accessible when we're really, really stressed out. Safety's the priority, which means sometimes the most important work you can do for your sex life isn't sexual at all. It's slowing down. Taking a deep breath, looking into your partner's eyes, holding each other for just like a little bit longer. Helping your nervous system, remember what it's feels like to relax because that's often where desire begins, right? When we're relaxed, we start to feel sensations in our body again. So, what do you actually do if you want to connect? Here's a thing. A lot of people think desire has to come first. They think, "Okay, once I'm turned on, then we'll have sex. I'm just going to wait for it to like hit me over the head." But for so many people, especially in long-term relationships, that is not how desire works. You don't get struck over the head. It's not a light switch. You just flip on. Okay, think about it day-night. Think about this way. You're exhausted. You've been working all day. The kids are finally asleep. And like Netflix is calling your name. It's so easy. You can just turn on your show. And honestly, you'd rather stay home in sweatpants. I've been there. I understand. But you made the reservation. You got the sitter and you go anyway. And then like something shifts. You laugh over dinner. You hold hands walking back to the car. I've done that a while. You feel like yourselves again. You didn't force connection. You created the conditions for connection. So, desire often works the same way. And I really want you to hear this because I know so many of you will worry that something is wrong with them. Responsive desire is not a lesser kind of desire. It's not broken desire. It's nothing wrong with you. It's not second best. Spontaneous desire. That like lightning bolt can't keep your hands off each other feeling we have early in the relationships. That is wonderful. We love it because we don't have to think about desire. But it's not the only healthy way desire works. And for many people, especially after years together or during different stages of life, we're just in the middle of a busy adult life. Desire is responsive. Okay. Responsive. What I mean is it responds to feeling relaxed. It responds to emotional safety. It responds to those little connections that you have with your partner. It responds to feeling present in your body. And that's completely normal. So, if your desire responds to certain conditions, the next question becomes, what's getting in the way? I've been saying this for years. If you want a better sex life, don't just ask, how do I have more sex? It's not going to help you. Ask what's blocking my desire? Because the answer usually isn't that you're libido, just like disappeared overnight. I mean, maybe it's stress. And if you listen to this show, you already know where I stand on this. Stress crushes us. I mean, maybe it's the mental load. Maybe you're carrying everything in the relationship and you just don't feel supported. And you haven't said anything about it. Or maybe it's resentment because you stop feeling seen. You stop feeling appreciated. That's a really common one. We don't feel appreciated by our partner. Or maybe it's your body. Like bodies change. Hormones change. Medications change our bodies. And then if she moves in, like you're just not loving on yourself all day and you've negative self-talk, desire moves out. She moves in. Desire moves out. Or maybe it's pain. You know, this really upsets me. Pain during sex is so common, but it's not something you should just live with. Listen, if sex hurts, please don't grate your teeth and push through it. There's incredible public for therapists and menopause specialists and gynecologists and sexual health providers who can help pain that deserves treatment. Or maybe you're on medication. Listen, SSRIs, birth control, many other medications affect desire or arousal. And if that's happening, talk to your healthcare provider. There may be options, but don't stop taking medications. Please don't do that without medical guidance. Now another really common one is what we call spectatoring. Now that's when you're having sex, but you're actually watching yourself the whole time. Or you're like seeing yourself outside your body. Like how do I look? Am I taking too long? Do they think I'm sexy? You're performing instead of experiencing and then it's really hard to feel pleasure when you're stuck in your head instead of inside your body. And then there's the shame and these are the message you learn growing up. Maybe you have religious shame and you just feel like every time I have sex, it's just not okay. I'm doing something wrong. Or maybe it's past relationships or just trauma and all those experiences teach your nervous system that intimacy is just not safe. And that might be going on since you started having sex. So maybe the first question is it, how should I get my libido back? It's like maybe it's what does my body need to actually feel safe enough to experience pleasure because your libido isn't separate from your body. And I think that's the problem is people think they can just fix their libido, but it's connected to your nervous system, your hormones, your health, your relationships, your emotional well being. And that's why always say sex is wellness and everything is connected. So here's what I want you to try this week. Just once set aside 20 minutes, right? No phones, no television, no distractions, you know what those are, no agenda. And maybe you cuddle, maybe you give each other, you know, 10 minute massage, maybe you kiss, you hold hands, maybe you just lie together and talk, you decide what connection looks like. But there's one rule, ready? Intercourse is off the table. Seriously, that's the assignment because the minute intercourse is no longer expected, so much of the pressure disappears. Your nervous system can finally relax. Your body isn't wondering like, ah, where is it going? My partner's touching me and I, I don't want to have sex right now, right? Sometimes desire shows up and sometimes it doesn't. And both are okay because remember desire wasn't the goal. The goal was connection. And if you want to take it one step further, try what I call the make out challenge. This one's 10 minutes. It's just kissing. Nothing else. No goal, no expectation. I mean, remember when kissing used to be the main event, not just the thing that happened before sex. And I bet if you're in a long term relationship, you probably aren't kissing as much anymore. Let's go back there. Like you just might find that that desire naturally follows. And if it doesn't, that's okay too. It's all okay. You'll spend 20 minutes connecting with someone you love. That's a win. So I'm going to leave you with this. Whether or not you have sex is always your choice. There are relationships that thrive without sex. And that's completely valid if that's what both partners truly want. But I don't want you to decide that your sex life is over simply because your desire doesn't look the way it did 20 years ago. Your desire may not be gone. It may simply just work differently right now. That's what I think is happening. So this week, give yourself 20 minutes, put the phones away, take it and of course off the table, get curious instead of judgmental. Do this everywhere in your life. When you find a getting judgmental, get curious and said, create the conditions for connection. And then just notice what happens. You might be surprised by what comes back.