Rosebud Baker has a Tall Baby

- This is a headgun podcast. - Like last night she was in the bath and I heard her, you know, she was like, "Where's Mama?" And Andy was like, "Oh, Mama's in the other room." She goes, "Mama's on stage." And I was like, "Oh." - "Oh." - "Whoops." - "Whoops." (both laughing) - "Whoops." (upbeat music) - So you're vaping in here? - I'm sorry. (both laughing) - So you're vaping in my beautiful plain white home. - So sorry. - I'm just kidding. - It will stay in the walls. - How much are you doing that? - Enough to stay in the walls. - Really? - No, it's so bad. - I worry about the vape. - I know, I do too. - Yeah? - I do too. I'm a mother. It's not okay. - You have a child. - I know. - The vape is crazy. - I only sound like, it would be one thing if I was like a small town detective. - A small town detective vaping. - Yes, that makes sense to me. - Yeah, touching warm blood. - Yeah. - He's near. - Just ripping the vape. - Dipping is, do you, I want to ask you this and I don't want you to take it personally. - I can't. - And I know you won't because we're not like that. - Yeah. - Do you feel humiliated to do it? 'Cause it looks silly. - No. - Okay. - That's the thing. - You okay? - I should be humiliated. (both laughing) - I will do it in a church. - Really? - Yes. - I think it's so, I can't, sometimes at a concert. 'Cause you know, it's the easiest one to travel. - Yeah. - My friend don't pass me one. - I'm sucking on the little USB port. I just feel like, I feel humiliated. - I know. - It's like, why am I doing this? - When I started, I was humiliated. - Yeah. - But now, I'm like, I do it all the time. - That's how things go, right? - Ever. - Yeah. - At first, you feel humiliated and then it becomes, you're not your neighbor. - I'm like an addict through and through. There's been so many things that I've been embarrassed of that I have gotten used to. - What are they? - Like when I was drinking and stuff like that. Like I would be like, you know. - Are you sober from the drink? - I'm sober. - You're off the drink. - I'm sober. - Yeah. - But I do this in a way that you can tell I don't smoke weed or do drugs or drink. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like this has replaced everything. - Everything. - Yeah, this is like the Swiss Army knife of your addiction. - Yeah. (laughing) - This one's gonna fix them all. - It fully is. - Go go gadget, nicotine. - Yeah, it's so bad. It's so bad. No, I literally, Caleb, I was like thinking about quitting and I ask God for like a sign. - Yeah. - I was like, I need, and I'm not religious, but I was like, I need a sign. - That was going to be my next question. - Yeah. - No, but I was like, give me a fucking sign, right? I walk into a bodega. There's like four drunk teenage girls. I'm going into by the vape. As they're leaving, they step on my foot. I said, excuse me, but I said it in a conty way. I heard them have a meeting about it outside. And then they came back in and punched me in the head. (laughing) - Punched me in the head. - What? - And I still bought the vape. (laughing) I was assaulted by a child. - That's the idea of going outside and being like, I think I should punch that bitch in the head. - Yeah. - And then coming back in and punching you in the head. - For real, they literally like thought it through and then came back and one of them was filming it. (laughing) They were filming it. I was like, this is crazy. And then because she goes, do you want to get punched bitch? And then I started laughing because I was like, why would you offer that? I was like, what are you doing? - I love the idea of being like, first of all, I'm stepping outside and taking a meeting with my friends. - Yeah. - Record just in case. - Yeah. - Do you want to get punched bitch? It's like she's giving you every opportunity. - To step out. - To not get punched in the head. - And you're getting punched in the head. - Yeah. - And it was like fucking fun. - That was the sign. - Yeah. - I got the sign to quit and I still bought it. - And you bought that vape. You bought like a pink leopard print vape. - It's never gonna stop. - I was talking yesterday or the other day to a friend. I have a lot of adult friends who say shit like this, where they're like, if I see a group of teenagers, I cross the street. They're so scary. I'm like, these people are not, they don't exist. Like teenagers are not real people. I don't care about their opinions. I don't think about them. - Right. - If they were mean to me, I mean, if they punched me in the head, they're getting their ass beat. - Yeah, yeah. - If they like said something mean about my outfit, I'd be like, you're not a real person. You don't matter. - I would have thought that. - Yeah. - I think you got punched in the head. - Then I got punched in the head. And I was such a coward about it. I thought I would like, I thought I'd like clothes line or something. Like I don't even know what clothes line means. I'm like throwing it. It's more of this. - Throwing it in, although. - Okay, yeah. I thought I would have some kind of plant. I literally walked to the back of the bodega counter. Like I worked there and was like, how can I help you? - You got punched in the head and then you clocked in? - Yes. I was like, I was like, I work for you now. What do you need? It was so crazy. - Of course, but I love that. - I was like, I thought I, but I didn't even have the courage to say "ouch" out loud. - Yeah. How old were these kids you think? - I don't know, like 14. - No way. - I don't know, they're all like, if they're 12, 14, they still see a baby doctor. You know that? - Yeah, for sure. - I'm like, but 12 to 15 is the same age to me. - Exactly. And they punched a mother in the head. - Yeah. - Like you're a mother, you have a baby. - I know, that was the craziest part. - I can't be getting punched in the head. - That's where I walked back. I saw, I'm like, I'm buying a vape. I'm leaving my husband and my daughter at the seller so that I can go buy a vape in the middle of the brunch show. And I get, I go back into the seller and I like, I have to look at my child and the face and be like, you're gonna love it here. - Mom, it got punched by a team. - It's a beautiful world. - Leaving your baby at the seller to go buy a vape. What do you think the chances are this kid turns out right? - Not great. (laughing) - Not great. I mean, but I knew that, like the day I got pregnant. It was like, she's got two comedian parents. - Yeah. - Rough go for her. - Rough go. - Yeah. - But the chances of her just being like a pretty serious, like I don't know, it's like people think two comedian parents, like, oh, probably gonna be the funniest kid ever. And I'm like, maybe, there's also a chance she becomes like a serious academic or something. - Yeah, no, I'm really hoping that's the way that it goes. - You think so? - I think if she goes the opposite way, then we did it right. - Right. - If she ends up in comedy, we fucked up in a way that we can't fix. - Well, it's what it is is I love it. I'm so happy for the way it's all gone for me. I feel very grateful that I've like got my, my people that I like and I've got the way that I like to do it. But I just, yeah, you know so many, it's so fucking hard. You have to bust your ass for so long and you see so many people do that and then not get the other side of it. And I'm like, I don't want you to have that. - Right. - I don't want you to be broke your entire 20s and 30s, busting your ass trying, trying, trying and waiting and then all of a sudden, you're 42 and single and have three roommates and hoping that like a 22 year old agents assistant will read your script. - And you have zero. - Oh, zero like employment history. - Yeah, you have nothing. It's like it's all like what Burista and my server, which I guess that's also a beautiful life. Maybe I'm just like, I'm allergic to struggling. - I don't like struggling. - I hate struggling. - I don't like it at all. What are you a tourist? Are you a tourist? - You wanna try again? - Keep going. I want you to get this. - Capricorn? - No. - Are you serious? - Yes. - Okay. - Let's just edit it right to that. - Yes, please. - Where is? - But do you know what your big three is? - Oh, it's, do you want to know? - Yeah. - People ask me this. I've done this to my mom several times. You know different guys that I've dated. It's been like, oh, mom, can you send me? - Yeah. - And now she knows to say like, who is it this time? (laughing) Now she knows she's onto the game. - Which freak is asking? - Yeah, she's like, what game man wants to know this about you? Or what girl you met at a bar bathroom? Okay, here it is. Ascendant, what's that one? That's your rising? - I'm Taurus. - Me too. - Really? - Yeah. - My son is Aquarius, and my moon is Scorpio. - Oh, okay. - What does that mean? - Scorpio moon is pretty intense. - What's that? Ooh. (laughing) - It's pretty intense. - Wow, so. - Like secretive, very secretive. Like, but wants, but like penetrating. - Oh, I know that's-- - To use the sexiest word for it. - Like, you wanna get to the bottom of like what somebody's motivations are? - Oh, for sure. - Yeah, yeah. - And like, why they do the things they do? - Yeah. - But we have the same, Taurus is our, what? - Taurus rising. - That's why I guess Taurus, when you said you're allergic to struggle, 'cause I'm also Taurus rising. - And does that mean that we don't like to struggle? - We don't like to struggle. I don't like to rush. - Yeah. - I don't like to struggle. I don't wanna, I won't even like, people say that Taurus is stubborn, but I feel like I'm more like a creature of habit. - Okay. - Like if I like a restaurant, I'm going to that restaurant. - Yeah. - And I'm ordering the same thing. - Yeah, I like routine. - I don't wanna, I don't need to try a new thing. I know that I like this thing. - Yeah. - But then after a while, I'll be like, I hate this thing. - If I had my way, everyone would just wait in place until I came around. - Yeah. - Like I don't wanna have to go to the same restaurant every day, but I want it open anytime that I wanna go. - Yes. - And I want my people to be in there. - Right. - And same with like friendships. Like when I leave town, when I leave LA, for example. - Yeah. - After a visit, my friends should just kind of, - Wait. - Bounce in place like an unused video game character. - Yeah, yeah. - You know, and then I come back to town and wake them up. - Yeah. - You know, that's what I want. I like, I would like that. - Yes. - That'd be nice. - Yeah. - Let me ask you this, maybe this is part of our thing that we have together. When you're ready to leave a place. Like say, right now we were just hanging out. - Right. - And then I was like, I was like, time to go. I want to go immediately once I have that thought. - Absolutely. - Do you have that? - Yeah. - People hate this about me. - I do not say goodbye. - It's time to go. - It's time to go. - When it's time to go, it's time to go. - Yeah. I do it in my own apartment. Like, yeah. If I'm leaving with my husband and kid. - Yeah. - He's like, why are you walking out the door without us? I'm like, because I'm ready to go. - You need to, yes. - Okay. - I will see you in the lobby. - Let's go. - Yeah. - Yeah, and it's like waiting to leave a place doesn't make any sense to me. - Horrifying. - What is holding me here? - Horrifying. - Absolutely nothing. - I was trying to leave breakfast the other day. I was with like six people. There was one person left eating their sandwich. Finish the sandwich. It's time to go. - Yeah. - It's time to go. - Just smack it out of their hands. - Yeah, I'm like, and there's like three bites left and so I stood up and they were like, oh, I'm gonna finish my sandwich. And in my head, I'm like, you can't. - Fucking bastard. - You have to carry it and eat on the walk. - Yeah. - Because I'm ready to leave now. - Right. Put the fucking sandwich in your mouth and put your jacket on or whatever. - Yeah. Put your fucking-- - Put your jacket on. - Put your jacket on. Hello. Okay, wait. You talked about asking God for a sign earlier. What are we doing with God? What do you think? What's your deal? - What are we doing with God? - So what do you think about God? - I'm not like religious, but I don't believe that God is like a man in the sky. - Okay. - Or some sort of daddy figure. - Right. - Although that would be hot. - What did? - Yeah, a little bit. - I learned something about you just now. - Yeah, I love a daddy figure. - Really? - Okay. - Yeah. I was raised by war criminals. So I do love a daddy figure. - Out of respect for you, I was just not even gonna bring that topic up 'cause I'm like, oh, she probably talks about it all the time. But of course I do know your family lineage. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Do you grandpa like invented Reagan or something? - Yeah, pretty much. (laughing) - He built him. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - In a lab, no, yeah. I was like raised going to church and shit, but I didn't like it. And then I became like a fucking full blown alcoholic and you know, drug addict. And I was like, you know, I got in the program and stuff. And so I just sort of was like, okay, I don't even like the God shit here, but if I can imagine like if something took care of me enough to like get me sober, then I feel like there is some kind of like benevolent something out there. - I see discourse sometimes about AA specifically that people are like actually AA is bad because it's a form of religious control. And I'm like, well, so is overdosing on heroin or like being so alcoholic that you can't. - Right. - I think it's fine. I think that people need to call the thing God to get out of that. That's fine. - Yeah. - I think it works. - That can be whatever you want it to be. It doesn't have to be the guy. - Yeah, it could be your fucking car. If you like a Ferrari, it could be your fucking Ferrari. - I know, that's right. - You know? - You worshiping cars? - I do not. - Do you care about cars? - Not even a little bit. It's weird that cars came to mind. - It's weird that you said it, right? - But just like, I was thinking of the most materialistic thing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like something that so doesn't matter to me. - What is a possession that you do care about? Like what's your thing? Do you go in for shoes? - Oh, skincare. - Skincare. - Yeah. I do make skincare kind of a little bit of a higher power. - What's your routine? - Okay, so I'll do, first of all wash my face. Then I do a serum. - Is this that you were talking nighttime? - Yeah. We're talking nighttime. Retinal serum. - So that was a second serum? - Vitamin C, yes. There's two serums. - Serum retinal serum. - Chiloronic acid, vitamin C. Then I just got this stuff. Naturium, which is like a multi-peptide lotion, put that on, and then I get this barrier-bounce shit that Naturium makes, and I put that on. And then I go to bed looking like I'm crowning. - Okay, yeah. - Okay. - You're just totally soaked. - Totally soaked. Disgusting. - Yeah. - And then I wake up, and I should wash my face, but instead I just put on fucking sunscreen. Why don't you, you're doing all this at night, and then the morning you're not going to wash the face? - 'Cause I got a kid. - Right. - Once she's like, like, once I'm not responsible for her like physical body, you know, and she's not like running into shit and trying to kill herself all day long, then I will start washing my face again. - Okay, yeah. - And the morning. - Yeah, that's beautiful. - But right now I'm on a hiatus. - I don't have a skincare routine. - You don't. - No, I can't. It's too, being alive is far too difficult. - Yeah. - At a baseline. Like, I do find it very, I love being alive. I think about life is so beautiful. - Yeah. - But really the tasks it takes, like, the times I spend out the most about being alive are like, the shit I have to do to maintain this body that I didn't ask for. - Right. - I'm like, I have to go to the fucking dentist. I have to brush my teeth every night. I have to do the, I'm supposed to be doing skin care. I'm supposed to be taking vitamins. I have to move my body all the time. - Yeah. - I'm like, this thing is too much to keep up. - I know, but I feel like it's one of the one things. It's like, whenever I, I'll like lay in bed and be like, this is self-care. You know what I mean? And I'm just like scrolling on my phone and it's actually just like trauma response. - It's detrimental, yeah. - You know what I mean? But skincare makes me go like, this is like a ritual that takes work, that doesn't take too much time, and I don't have to sweat. - Yeah. - So I will do it. - That's nice. - You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, I can't, I think for, yeah, I need to change my, I need to frame it differently to myself. Maybe that would work. 'Cause to me so much of skincare, like so much of what people say to me about skincare is they're like, well, if you wanna, if you wanna maintain a youthful look when you're older and I'm like, I don't. I'm actually really looking forward to when my face looks old because I want to act to those parts. I'm excited for those roles. I'm excited for that part of life. I can't wait to look 50 when I'm 50. - Okay. - So I'm not trying to stay looking young. - This is man privilege. - For sure. - Yeah, and I'm so happy to be a man. - Oh yeah. - Being a woman sounds horrible. - My God, I would fucking donate my pussy. - How is being, how is being a woman? (laughing) How is it? - How is it? - Are you okay? - I'm not. - It seems bad. - No, it's bad. - Yeah. - It's not great. - What's the worst part? - Um. - Don't actually. (laughing) Actually, I thought of one and I don't wanna talk about this anymore. - Yeah, let's not. - Let's not. - What's the best part? (laughing) - The best part, honestly, the best part so far was having a kid. - Yeah. - Having one, not being pregnant, but like, you know, getting handed a kid that I made, that was pretty fucking awesome. - I wish I could do that. - Yeah, that part's cool. - That'd be neat. - But it's so hard that it's almost like, okay, I could do that one time. - You already knew it again. - I'm not doing that shit again. - I can understand that. - Yeah. - I actually don't wish I could carry a baby. I wish I could get a guy pregnant. - Yes, sometimes I wish I could get somebody pregnant too. That's gotta be really powerful. - Like, sometimes when I'm dating a guy, if he's a cis guy, and I like him a lot, I'm like, I would love to get you pregnant with my baby. - I know. - I can't, you know? - Well. - That's downside of being gay, guy. - Yeah, I guess. - You know? - I guess that's one of the, yeah, sort of a lighter downside. - Well, I was like, yeah, well we're going to camp soon. - Yeah. - There's not as well. (laughs) - In the camps? I can't get anybody pregnant. - Oh, I wish I could get someone pregnant. Nope. Time to go make license plates or whatever the fuck. (laughs) Whatever they're gonna have us doing. Oh, we're going to camp. - My license plates. - We're going to license plate camps soon. - Yeah, yeah. - It's not looking good for gay. - No, no. - No. - It's bad out there. - It's bad for gay. - I'm not, I don't mean to be laughing right now, but the way that you're putting it is-- - Yeah, well I'm going to be making license plates in Alabama within the next year and a half. And I'll be one of the first ones to-- - And it's all Alabama license plates, by the way. - 100%. - Yeah, it's for the Florida. - Well, when they like repossessed all the gay people's like homes and art to like give it to like, you know. - Some Christian-- - Like straight white families are willing to have more kids. Or whatever the thing is going to be, whatever Stephen Miller cooks up. - Yeah. - I'll be one of the first ones to go, I think, to camp. - Hook. - Caleb goes to camp. - Woo, it's like Ernest goes to camp. - Oh yeah, I'm gonna have fun in the camp. I'll tell you I'm having fun in the camp. On the way out, you better believe it. - No, I mean, it is when I think about it, I'm like, it's gonna be celebratory. - Yeah. - Yeah, it's gonna be a fun time. - I've said for years, since the first time Trump got elected, I said, one way or another, gay camps are coming. Mike Pence was like, a more buttoned up, but he hates gay people. And I was like-- - Just crazy, 'cause he's full gay. - Oh my God, have you ever seen someone with a gay or vibe? - No. - Just like very like, always like giving blue steel for no reason. - Just fucking Ken. - Yeah. - But I've said, you put a bunch of gay guys in camps, we'll find a way to have fun. - Yeah, absolutely. - Don't be places where the cameras don't see you. - Especially you, I feel like, you know, if I was a gay guy and I was in the camps, I'd be like, can I move to Caleb's bunk? - Come to my barracks, yeah. - Yeah. (laughing) - Everyone come to my barracks. - You belong to barracks. - After the chow hall, everyone come to my barracks. (laughing) - After chow. - Come on. - I love it, it's just the military. - Yeah. - Military. - Party in my barracks. (laughing) - I look forward to hosting. - Yeah. - In my barracks. - Yeah. - Find a way to decorate. - Well, visit. - Would you? - Yeah, but I will, I'm gonna be a coward and I will pretend to be Christian. - Totally. - Yeah. - Well, you might not escape the camps. You're sort of a foul mouthed woman. They won't find me. (laughing) They won't find me. - What do you mean, you're hiding? - I will hide. - Nice. - I will hide and I can, I have, you put a wig on me, you're not gonna recognize me. - That's true. - I will take my eyelids off. - I'll get an upper blouse and it will, people will be like, who is that? Without my hooded eyes, you're gonna have no idea who I am. - Yeah, oh, I have those two. - Yeah. - The way they come over. I think if you, this is what I would do to you if I needed to hide you right now. - Okay. - I would shave your head. - Great. - First of all. - Yeah. - And then I would be-- - To sad music. - Yeah, so I would shave your head slowly to sad music while we go with cried. - Yeah. - And then I would put on you an asymmetrical bright red bob. - Yes. - Yeah. (laughing) And you're a different woman immediately. - Yes, okay. - And I'm giving you like a brown beauty mark. - One beauty mark, yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. out. I'll have my tits out. I've been wanting to get your tits out. Yeah. I know. You were saying off camera that you have big tits. I do. Yeah. Yeah. Sort of secret. Yeah. Why do you hide them? Why hide them? Yeah. I just don't. I don't know. It feels like such a commitment. Yeah. You know? And it doesn't. My tits don't really match my personality. You know? I'm sort of giving like. like closet lesbian. Yeah. You know? Like jumping up, hitting the exit signs. Yeah. That's you. Yeah. That is you. Yeah. So big tits, it's a different personality. Yeah. I would have to. I mean, if I did have them out one day, I would start to pursue more reality television. Yes. I would start to get a lot of elective surgeries, for sure. I mean, I'm going to do that anyway, because why not? But yeah, it just feels like a different. I'm not in that phase right now. Yeah. You know? I don't see it for you. But I have lived kind of like a forest gump life. How so? Just, you know, a lot of random shit. Yeah. That doesn't really match up. Yeah. Where you're like, that didn't happen to the same person in the same life. Well, give me an example. Of two. Like, what are the. Like, give me two things that have happened in your life that feels so conflicting? Okay. Because I know what you mean. Okay. I did a reality show. Did you? Yeah. I did a reality show with my gay best friend for Sundance Channel when I first moved to New York. Okay. Then I also was a yoga instructor who taught yoga to Hasidic Jewish women in Brooklyn. How is that? You can't touch them. Of course. So. Yeah. It was weird. Yeah. Of course. Of course. It was odd. Yeah. But also, it was really kind of sweet because this woman had left her husband in the Hasidic community, which is like, you know, bad there. Yeah. Good to me. I mean, from where I stand, I'm like, good for you, girl. With your husband, she started her fucking business, right? But she. It was like still in Brooklyn and she only had her friends from the Hasidic community. So these other women were like coming to support her. And it was really sweet. Yeah. Did you ever watch the only teacher? Did you ever watch the Rachel McAdams secret lesbian Hasidic movie? No. There was a Rachel Adam secret lesbian Hasidic Jewish woman movie. Yeah. Undoubt our. It's truth. What a chance you're googling it. Unfaithful or un. God, what was it called? Disobedience. Disobedience. Oh, it was hot sexy. She like, she like spits in another woman's mouth at one point. Whoa. Hot. Wow. I love Rachel McAdams. When did this come out? 2017. Yeah. I saw it at TIFF. Wow. I saw it at TIFF because I worked for a nonprofit that sent me to Toronto for like day job training at the same time as TIFF. And I was like, oh, I'm fucking off every night to watch TIFF movies. Yeah. And that was one of the ones I watched. Wow. It was so hot. She can do no wrong. Yeah, she's great. She's so charming. I know. And she's great in everything. She is. The family stone. Amazing. Hello. So good. Let's wake that up. There's not enough talk about Rachel McAdams. Where has she been? Yes. Where has she been? Where has she been? She did that movie, that movie. What was it? Flight? The Killian Murphy movie. Do you want to talk about Red Eye? Red Eye. Red Eye. You seen that? 2005. Yeah. Red Eye. Crazy. Okay. Rachel McAdams. I read about performance. Rachel McAdams. I love her. I really do. And I love when she was gay. Rachel McAdams. Rachel McAdams. We love you, girl. Yeah. I do love her. She's so charming. Hot gay woman. Yes. Well, she has that kind of spunkiness. Yeah. Yeah. You want that in your lesbians. You know, what are you about to pivot to? Transition period. Transition. Do you know, Tova Silberman, my comedy manager? Yes. She is Jewish. And I asked her once when I first moved to Brooklyn, I was seeing all the Jewish guys in their hats. Not the Yomacas, the big fur hats. Yeah. And sometimes they're bigger than other times. Right. So I'm a dinner with her. And I was like, what's with the hats? You know, I want to know, like, what's the significance? I want to learn about this. And she said, well, I forget the exact, she's like, well, there could just be extremely pious or maybe they're celebrating something. I think was part of it was like, it could be like a celebration of an achievement in studying the text or something. Was she guessing? No, she's she's acidic. Oh, okay. Oh, she grew up in that. Oh, she's saying, okay, so she grew up in Orthodox communities. She's telling me for real. And I said, oh, my God. So would it be could I could I congratulate them if I pass one on a guy on the street wearing a big hat? Yeah. Should I say, like, congratulations. And she was like, they don't want to talk to you. I was like, well, obviously that breaks my fucking heart. So I can't be in community with them at all. Congrats. Yeah. I say congrats. And they go, yeah, they don't want to talk to me with sucks because I want to talk to them. I know you're very curious. You have a curious spirit. I do. And I would love to hang out with them. If they would invite me over, I would come hang out. I would love to chat with them and know about their stuff. What would you ask? What would I ask them? Yeah. Just kind of how they feel about the world and what they know about the things that are going on. And if they like, I would want to know how they feel about gay people. And then I'd want to maybe not maybe I'd want I to convince them to like gay people if they don't, you know? Right. I also want to let them know a lot of them are on Grindr. There are a lot of acidic guys on Grindr. Yeah. I would definitely sit in for that conversation. I would like to tell them, do you know that there's a lot of your guys on Grindr? Yeah. And that they don't feel comfortable telling you that about themselves. Right. And do you care? Do would you mind? And if there's any I have heard that if one of the curls is cut short that they that they are in trouble, have you heard this? No. And I can be wrong. And I'm going out on a limb here and being potentially culturally insensitive. Uh-huh. But I've heard that. And if that's true, I would like to meet someone who has a shortened curl and find out what they've done to be in trouble. You want to find somebody on Grindr and you want to run up with a pair of scissors? I did know. I didn't want to I got I'm going to get in trouble. You shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said that. I was acidic. I messaged me on Grindr once. Really? Yeah. He wasn't cute. So I wasn't into it. But yeah. I was obviously interested in the idea of it. It's like I don't want to hook up, but I want to talk about your stuff. I would like to chat with him. Yeah. But he wasn't into that. Okay. I did try to have a conversation. He was like, are you free now? And I was like, this isn't yeah, you're not this isn't my rich. You know, it's been a while since I've been single. How long? Five years. Only I thought was expecting you to say much longer. No, I don't stay single that long. Yeah. Your girl. Yeah. I had that try. Come on. Do you think you'll ever be single again? Um, if I get a divorce, I'm going to stay single for the rest of my life. Really? Yes. Oh, wow. Yeah. Or I'll just date women. Or I'll date women. Kind of rooting on your divorce now. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you getting a divorce in like 10 years and then just exclusively switching to women. Um, obviously you know, that's like the shakest thing you could do. I agree. Yeah. I have to wait a little while. Yeah. And I do tell Andy, I go, listen, this is working out for now. Yeah. But 10 years, we're going to wrap it up. I'm going to date women. You do what you got to do. Go get some young pussy. Yeah. Yeah. Have some young pussy. Find like an open micro who thinks you're the funniest person. Of course, she's ever fucking heard in her life. Be the predatory predatory man in the community that we know and love. Yes. Yes. Yeah. You know, we all have a destiny to fulfill. Yes. Yeah. And he was meant to be that older comic who mentors, the younger, that's right. Girls. Yeah. Yeah. And tells them they have potential. Yeah. God, I, you know, I started in Chicago. Did you? Yes. And those guys are around. A lot of. Yeah. Those guys are around. Yeah. They're hitting, they're hitting the open mics and the improv classes and saying, Oh, God, you're just so, I see it for you. Yeah. And they're getting laid off that a lot. With this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. God. Anyway, um, yeah, I can't wait to get back to women. I want you to get back to women. I will. Okay. So you. I want to talk about your standup special though. Oh, okay. You did. I'm sorry. It's just something I'm interested in. Yeah. You did. You did the first, how did it work out? You did the first half of it pregnant? I did. Yeah. The first half of it, I was eight months pregnant. And then the second half, I did a year later because I was really curious about what I was really scared to be pregnant to have a kid to like what that life change was because I did love my life and I do hate struggle. Yeah. So, um, I was like, I don't know how well I'm going to adjust to this. Yeah. And I know there's a lot of people who hat, I'm like, no human experience is like alien to anybody. If you're feeling it, everybody has felt it, you know? Yeah. And so I was like, let me just make a special that's like the before and after. Like what, what it is to be pregnant and then what it is after you've had a kid. Yeah. A year later, what that feels like. And so I took a lot of the jokes from the first half of the special and expanded upon them upon them. We expanded upon them. Yeah. Um, for like the next year and put them together, let's this editor Kelly lion who's like amazing. She put it together and I was like, she made me two cuts. She made me one that was like just the second hour for the from the year after. And then she put both of them together into another cut that was both of them. And I was like, oh, I can't really fucking decide between these two. Yeah. And she was like, just do the one that's most interesting to you. And so I went with the first with the first one. Yeah. Yeah. What made it more, what made it the the one to choose? Do you think? Uh, - Because it really, to me, comments on like the, the fucking alienation that you feel after you have a kid. You know, everybody loves a pregnant lady and then you have a baby and they're like, oh, fuck off, you know what I mean? - You think so, there's that out of felt. - A little bit. Like, I don't know that anybody actually felt like that, but they were, you know, your pregnant and everybody's like, I'm gonna be the auntie, I'm gonna be there every day and then like, I had friends send me so many gifts that I was like, just say you're not coming to meet her. (laughing) You know what I mean? I was like, just say you're not coming over. Just do that, stop sending me clothes, you know what I mean? 'Cause it is this feeling of like, I loved my friends, I had this, I built up this community, this like, actual family that was like my chosen family. And then I had a kid and it was like, where did they go? - Yeah, yeah. - I mean, a couple of them, like genuine good friends, like didn't go anywhere, but there was a lot of them that I was like, oh, I thought you'd be around, you know? I thought I would feel this way, I actually feel this way. And they're, and I wanted to, I wanted to tell jokes about that 'cause there is something really funny about being a loser. That I was like, I feel like a loser. So, and there's also, there was also just like a lot of shit between my husband and I that I, like the rage that I felt towards him that was really funny. - Yeah, tell me about that 'cause that's interesting. - Just so, you know, I'm like, you just don't have it. (laughing) You know? - Doesn't have the stuff? - I was like, you don't have the stuff. - You don't have the goods, brother? - You don't have it. - What do you mean? Why are you so mad at him? - That he didn't have it. - Yeah. - I was like, I don't, you know, I'm like, I don't have it, but I figured this out. He does shit where like, I'll leave him with her for a weekend and he's like, oh, I'll be like, did she brush her teeth last night? He's like, oh, like he forgot the whole weekend. Like he didn't brush her teeth the whole weekend. And I'm like, that's crazy. - It's gotta have those guys. - That is crazy. - Yeah. - So, there's stuff like that where I'm just like, you gotta be joking. Like, he'll try to change her diaper on the floor of the airport and I'm like, he don't have her pussy out by the baggage claim. (laughs) - What the fuck? - She, I'm sorry, she can't be naked by the trash cans. She can't be, she has to go somewhere. - She can't be. First of all, she's huge, she's like six, two. - Yeah. (laughs) - It looks like you're changing into adult woman's diaper. - She gets big. - You know? - She's tall, she can be an NBA, WNBA player. - Yeah. - Or NBA? - She's half my height already. - Really? - Yeah. - Yeah, I noticed that. - But she stands about here on you, she's two. - Yeah, she's two. - Yeah. - So it's crazy. But yeah, I definitely, I just wanted to make it, I wanted to make the special about that. And also like the process of getting pregnant was so crazy, like miscarriages, IVF, then just like getting pregnant the old fashioned way. - Wait, why, when you said that, why did I think of, you know that scene in Brokeback Mountain when he's like trying to have sex with her? And he's like, I wanna have another kid. And she's like, I'd have him if you'd pay enough, if you'd make enough money to raise him. And then they end up not having sex and just laying in bedside. - Yeah. - That is kind of the old, yeah. - That's the old fashioned way. - She was fucking-- - Sharing at the ceiling? - Truly fighting. - Yeah. - Fighting. - Yeah. - Like a couple of detectives after a long day. - I miss it. - Yeah. - Yeah, I miss it culturally. - Yeah. You know, it's still out there. - I know, I just would have been so good at be, like if I was like the secret gay guy who had to have like a wife and kids, I would have been really good at that. - Oh yeah. - Like my kids would have been like, my dad's a little key fund. You know, like they would have loved me. - For sure. - And then when I was old, they'd be like, oh, he was gay, you know? - Yes. - Yeah. - And they said this that I think gay men would make the best husbands. - Totally. - A hundred percent. - I would have been good at that fake stuff. - Yeah. - Living an authentic life as a gay guy is really all you want out of a husband is someone who doesn't bother to fuck you. - Yeah. - So you can go fuck whoever. - Yeah. - And then like helps you with the kid. - Yeah. - And is like supportive and like patty on the back and listens to your work stories. - When I hang out with my girls now, I'm like, we would do so good at domestic life. - Yeah. - If you didn't need someone to fuck you. - Yeah. - You need to be fucking someone. - In the two years after I had a kid, I wanted a gay husband so badly. - Yeah. - 'Cause I was just like libido was like gone. - Really? - Yes. - Is that normal? - It just came back. - Is that something that happens? - It does happen. - Okay. - Yeah. But I got back on, I got on Well Butron. - Really? - Now it's certainly. - Did you horny? - Certain to wake me up a little. - Let's go. - Yeah. Well Butron orgasms are crazy. - You're fucking again. - Yeah. - Wow. - Yeah. - I'm not on anything, but maybe I'll try it. - I'll try it. I thought about trying it just to see. - Yeah. - You know? - Yeah. I felt like numb a little bit. - Yeah. - I was like, I'm not depressed, but I'm not like fighting to live. And so I was like, maybe that's. - Hey sister. - Sounds like a job for. - Been there. - Yeah. - You know, here's the problem though. I've slept with so many guys who are on anti-depressants and they like being alive, but they can't come. - Right. - If I can't come, I'm killing myself. And I do mean that. - Yeah. - I do. - No. - I do, and I mean that sincerely. - It's not like me being silly. I mean like if I can't come, I'm. - I'm out. - I'm killing myself. - Yeah. - Turning it off. - No, no. Killing myself. - Bye-bye. - Yeah. I'll see y'all around. - Yeah. - Maybe just leave it as your voicemail message. - Yeah. - Like, sorry, can't come. - Sorry, can't come. - Killing myself. - So I gotta go. - Yeah. - If I can't come, I gotta go. - She can out. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Hey guys, I'm so sorry I can't come. So I'm pulling out. - Yeah. - Thank you. - Thank you. Thank you Chicago. You've been so much. - You've been so great. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, no. Need to be coming. - Yeah. - Need to be coming in all seriousness. - It's crazy that I went like a year and a half, really, or longer than that. - Really? - Because my kid was 18 months when I finally went on, we'll be a trend. - Yeah. - I wanted to fuck again. - Yeah. - But it was like, it was a long time where I was like, I don't need it. I don't want it. I don't want any attention. Don't look at me. Don't talk. - I don't even like, just for my husband, I was like, if I looked outside of my marriage, I'd be like, yuck. - When I considered cheating, it made me sick. - Yes. - Yeah. - It was like, bleh. - Hey guys, Monog. - Huh? - Yeah. - Monog. - Yes. - Wow. - Yeah. Monogamous but very, very like open with each other. - Yeah. - Like, we'll talk about, like all of this things that I'm saying to you right now, I would say to my husband. - For sure. - Yeah. - I think people, I think sometimes people that don't hang out with a lot of comedians are very jared by the way we talk about our lives. - Yeah. - But I'm just like, yeah, everyone in my life just knows the deal. I'm just gonna tell the truth about the situation. - Right. - I do, the only time I get weird about it, I wonder if you, like, when I talk about my little cousins, sometimes I get weird about that because the kids and they can't consent to being talked about like that. - Yes, yeah. - And I would never share anything. But they say such funny shit that I'm like, it is so funny. So those are the only things I really turn over about like, oh, should I say this? - Right. - But other than that, I never worry. I'll say like, really raunchy sexual shit out of show, I know my mom's at. - I know. - That's fine. We're adults. - Yeah, I have this one joke right now about my daughter and I'm like, it's, I can't wait to retire it. It's like one of those things that I'm like, it'll never go anywhere. I'll tell the story on stage, but I'm like, I just don't like it because I'm like, there is something in me that's like, I, she doesn't, you know, I don't want to do that to her. - Yeah. - Like, it's not, it doesn't feel right. - It's so interesting to think that like some day she's going to grow up and like, watch your stand up. - Oh God, yeah. - Yeah. - And be like, that's what, that's what mom was doing. - Yeah. - Crazy. - Well, she'll say stuff like, like last night she was in the bath and I heard her, you know, she was like, where's Mama? And Andy was like, oh, Mama's in the other room. She goes, Mama's on stage. And I was like, oh. - Oh. - Whoops. - Whoops. - Whoops. - Whoops. - That's so cool though. - It's, it, maybe it sounds cool, but it felt sad. - It felt sad because you're like, she, when she thinks of you, she thinks of you as being away. - Yeah. - And over there. - That's like what made me, yeah. I was like, oh. - Yeah. - I feel so guilty. - Really? - Like, I do feel incredibly, that was part of the reason why I had to go on like the antidepressants and stuff. I felt so fucking guilty with like SNL and fucking all those hours and being away from her. And like, never knowing if she was like going to know that I was her mom, you know. I was like, I really started to, I wasn't prepared for that kind of guilt. - Yeah. - You know? - That makes a lot of sense. - Yeah. - I mean, I had a mom who was working all the time and was gone a lot and definitely as a kid was like, why the fuck are you gone all the time? You're supposed to be my parent. - Yeah. - I definitely felt it as a kid. But I will say-- - That's good. That makes me feel better. - No, but I'm saying. - I'm like, where is this bitch? I'm a band-in. - You know, and I haven't forgiven her. You know? And I never will, but-- - No, what? - She chose her path. - Rose, but you have to let me finish. - No, as an adult, I'm like, hello. You don't want, like, I'm so glad I had a mom who was like doing shit and who like did make time to like have a life and like was providing for us. - Really? - Oh, for sure. - I know anything, they're stupid. - Yeah. - It's a dumb. - No, they are so dumb. - Their emotions are like fickle and dumb. They get upset about nothing. - No, she asked me to talk like Elmo, and she thinks I'm Elmo. - Yeah, it's like-- - You're not wise. - Yeah. (laughing) - Sorry, you think Elmo. - You believe? - Anything. - Yeah, you would vote for anything. You're a rube. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Kids are rube. - They're rubs. (laughing) - You're a rube. You're an easy mark. - Mm-hmm. - Get out of here. What do you want from her? for her, you get your dream. Like, what would you want her life to be? - Whatever she wants it to be. - I know, people say that and I hate that. - But that's true. - You don't have a dream? - For her? - Yeah, you're not like, oh, I hope she's-- - I have to dream for myself. - I know, but don't you dream for her sometimes when you're bored or you really-- - Okay, all right, if I would say I really do want, I want for us to be close. - Yeah. - And hopefully she's gay. - You think so? - Yeah. - You want gay kid? - I do. - Okay. - I don't know that that's gonna eliminate the threat of men, but it does eliminate the relationships with them, where I'm like-- - Well, the threat of men is omnipresent, yeah. - Yes, but I think about the relationships that I was in and I go, if anybody fucking did to my daughter, what they did to me, I would end their fucking life. - You friends with a lot of lesbians? - Not really, actually. - I'm gathering that because when you said that, I don't think you know how bad it gets with lesbians. - Really? - It's a type of toxic that they couldn't make in a lab. Lesbians, I mean, you think men and women get into it? - Yeah. - Dude, these girls are going through it, dude. Lesbians are-- - You're like blowing mine right now. - I'm like shaking right now. I'm like shaking, trembling, thinking about some of the things my lesbians friends have been through. Because what it is is they're all, they're like super-- - I'm thinking like DV though. - Domestic violence. - Yeah. - Look, it's obviously worse with straight people, but I'm saying there's something that can be, okay, when you get two toxic women together. - Yeah. - And they understand like therapy language on a level that's like-- - Oh God, yeah, no, I've been there, yeah. - I've been there, yeah. - The emotional torment that these women are able to put each other through. - Right. - Lesbians is a different kind of torture. - I could see that. - It's beautiful as well. I do think they have the best situation overall, lesbians. They have the highest likelihood that it's going to go well. - Yeah. - Lesbians, but man, I have been through some lesbian breakups that would, like, there are prisoners of war that haven't seen this. - Why do they keep, why do they all stay friends with each other after? - They can't help it. They can't help it. That's just how they are. I'm going to cry. - I guess I should ask my sister. My sister is-- - Lesbo. - Yeah. - Nice. - Yeah, she just got married. - Is she the boy or the girl? - The girl. (all laughing) - Yeah. - Good girl. - Nice. - For sure. - That's really nice. Sometimes there's two boys and two girls, even when they're both girls. - Yeah. - But there's a lot of times a boy and a girl. - Yeah. - She's the girl. - Yeah. - For sure. - That's nice. - Yeah. (all laughing) I think the girl is whoever planned the wedding. - Yeah. Well, you can tell by how they dress. - Yeah. Well, also, yeah. - Yeah. I'm usually going to get them. It's always makes me laugh when homophobes are like, they try to be like, which ones the boy and which ones are the girl. I'm like, take a look. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Which everyone is dressed like. - It's pretty easy, just high ball it. - You dress like an electrician, that's the boy. - Mm-hmm. - Yep. - Short hair. - Yep, the girls were in the Britney Spears t-shirt. - Yeah. - Yep. - That's right. - Pretty easy with guys as well. - Yeah. - Yeah, it's easy to tell. - Yeah. I should ask her though. I mean, she didn't really date that many. She like, dated a woman and married her. I think she did one woman before. And then it was like a three week thing. And then she met Chloe and now they're married. - Yeah. - And then there it was all met. - Chloe's the boy, huh? - Chloe's the boy. - Tough name for the boy. - I know. - Do you know what my favorite trends is? - What should we, what? - Online when they go ask like, it's a thing I've seen but I get served a lot of us being content because of my lifestyle. - Mm-hmm. - And I vape while you say this. - Yeah. - Are you upset by it? - No, I'm just worried about you. (laughing) Who knows this, okay, have you, I vape. I want you to vape. - I feel like you're mad at me. - No, I'm just concerned. I'm kidding, I'm really not. I really don't judge the vape. You look ridiculous, you know? (laughing) You look ridiculous, but you should see some of the things I eat. - There is a fan that's like literally blowing. - I don't mind that. - Okay. - Everyone has to have their thing. And my thing, the reason I don't, I don't do coke, I don't drink, I don't, the only things I do are-- - You never do any of those? - No, I smoke weed. - Okay. - And I eat garbage. - Okay. - These are my things. - Thank God. - And that's, so I'm like, other people do math and go to stay out at raves all night long and drink, and drink, and drink, and drink. - Right. - That's their thing. - Yeah. - My thing is that I eat garbage and smoke weed. - There are some methods that eat garbage. - Totally. - Yeah. - Totally. - Yeah. - There's an interesting thing in the gay guy community where the fat fobes in the gay guy community will be like, I want someone who takes care of themselves and then they're on math at like, you know, circuit parties. - Right. - And I'm like, right, so you mean something else, but I get the idea. - I get what you're saying. - Yeah, I-- - Someone who looks like they take care of themselves and what they're doing. - I got the message. - They showed what you needed, yeah. - Yeah, they just meant, yeah. - Thin. - Thin. - Which is fabulous. Thin is so fun. I love thin sometimes. I've dated thin people. - Yeah. - Some of my closest friends are thin. - I don't like a really thin look on a guy. - Really? - Yeah. It always to me, I'm like, are you sick? - Yeah. - You know? - Oh my God, do you know who the hottest TV dad of all time was to me? - Who? - Dan Conner from Roseanne. - Yes. - God. - Well, actually mine is more toxic, but it's Tony Soprano. - Yeah. - Tony Soprano was-- - I warned a lot about you just now. - Yeah, yeah, you did. - Yeah, that's beautiful though. - I've re-watched that show so many times and every single time I have sex dreams about him. - You know, he is sexy, but he's not nice to Carmella. - Yeah, but he'll fuck you on the subway in your dreams. - Yeah, but he's bad to Carmella. (laughing) - But Carmella is bad to Carmella too. Sorry, I'll say it. - What do you mean? - Carmella knows what she's getting into. That's the beauty of Carmella. Is that she's not like a one-dimensional care. You know that she knows what the fuck's going on. - She loves it too. - And she gets into the church to a tone for it, but she's never gonna leave, and she likes the money. - She loves the money and the status. She likes being the first lady. - Yes. - She does, and she always postures as if she's outside of it, but Carmella, you're part of it. - You are a part of it. - Yeah, and don't get me started on Meadow. I mean, what a pill. - Yeah. - Meadow is. - Absolutely. - What a pill, Meadow is. - Just stop it, stop it Meadow. (laughing) - Who's your favorite character on that show? - I would say Christopher. - Really? - Yeah. - I must be loyal to my capo. - Yeah, I like Christopher just because he's such a fuck up. - Yeah. - He's such an interesting character. - Yeah. - He's like my favorite, like, oh, let's hang out. - Yeah. - But he's my favorite character in terms of the way he's written. - Mine's Janice. - Janice? Yes, Janice! - I con, dude. - Oh my God. - I con. - Janice is great. I didn't even think about Janice. - Janice is amazing. - She is. - She's fucking awesome. - Yeah. - She's like the hippie sister that went away and came back, ends up, which this happens to a lot of hippie girls. They go back and just end up doing the marrying the guy from home thing. - Yes. - Then she killed him, which is awesome. - That's the greatest scene. I will watch that scene when I'm PMS-ing, just to blow off steam. - Some feminine rage. - Yeah, yeah. God, it's so fucking good. - What were we talking about? - I don't know. - Yeah, we really got away from it. I have a question for you, though. - Yeah. - What's so true to you? - Um, shit. - Rosebud Baker? What's so true to you? - What's so true to me? - You didn't think about it, did you? - No, I didn't. - It's the whole name of the show. - I know, I know. - This is a shame. - What's so true? Well, let's keep talking and it'll come to me. (laughing) - Well, we could play a segment and you want to play the game? - Yeah. - Chance, my papers. - Better men? - Better men? - Chance has to bring me my papers. - Thank you, Chance. (laughing) - Thank you, Chance. Rosebud, I'm gonna read you 15 statements. - We did, I thought about it. - Well, we'll come back to it. - Okay. - I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just said is true or false. - Okay. - If you get 10 or more correct, we're gonna give you $50 US dollars. - Okay. - Huge. You ready? You ready? - Yeah. - Sea otters hold hands when they sleep. - Yes, true. - Humans have been on Earth longer than dinosaurs were. - True? - False. - And is the most spoken English word? - False. - False, it's the. Langley High School's mascot is Harry the Whistleblower. - False. - False, it's like a Viking. Auto the Saxon. Hawaii is the only US state to never record a temp of zero. - False? - True. - Huck. (laughs) - Only female mosquitoes bite. - False? - True. - Shit. - And I'm not surprised to hear it either. Austin Butler's from Waco, Texas. - False. - False, he's from Anaheim, California. - Yeah. - Visa is older than MasterCard. - True? Emerson College has a campus in Netherlands. - False? - True. - What? I went there. - Sorry, May 11th is the most common birthday in the US. - False. - False, it's September 9th. A group of zebras is called a dazzle. - I hope so, I hope that's true. I'm gonna say true 'cause I want it to be. - True. - Yes. - Water has an expiration date. - False? - False. Jessica Alba has a Tony Award. - No. - False. - False. - St. Louis is the capital of Missouri. - I just rejected it. - No. (laughing) - No, she can't. - No. St. Is that true? - False, Jefferson City, fake town. - A mountain lion, Puma, Cougar, and Panther are all the same animal. - I'm gonna say true. - That is true. - Yeah. - How'd she do? - 10! - Shut up! - You won! - Really? - Yeah. - 50 dollars. - I got pretty close, that's probably gonna be cool. Slow that down in the edit, make me cool on that. - Yeah. - Gross, but what's so true to you? - I think what is so true is people who give you advice are actually just telling you what they want for themselves. - What do you mean? - When somebody offers you advice, what they're saying is what they should have done. - What they should have done in the situation? - Yes. - Oh, I thought you meant they're telling you what would be most convenient for them for you to do. Like if you're like, oh, should I go to the grocery store today and I really need you to get out of the house? I'd be like, oh, you have to. - No, no, no. I'm saying, I'm saying, if somebody's offering you advice, they're saying, they're like, be like me. - Yeah. - And you shouldn't listen to people who do that. - Yeah, I'm like this. I'm like that. - What? - I do that. I give people advice to be like me. - Yeah, me too. - Yeah, I do that. - But I think everybody does. - Yeah, you think it's a common thing. - That's why I think it's so true. - Yeah. So you don't think that we should take that advice though? - Listen, if it works for you, it works for you. - Yeah. - But I don't think that you should take advice from anyone that is like, I don't like, you know, anybody who calls himself like a guru or anybody who calls himself like a thought leader or a life coach or a, I think those people, especially are like mentally unhinged. - Yeah. - And need to be, needs some help. They need more help than you do. - Yeah, don't worse off. If I ever come to power, there'll be very specific groups of people that are in trouble and it won't be the boring. Like it won't be like immigrants and stuff, that sucks. It'll be like life coaches. - Yes. - Like you're going to jail. - You absolutely belong to jail. - You're a charlatan. You're going to jail. - Yeah. - And especially the ones that have like a specific set of rules, you know what I mean? - Yeah. - A set of like, I'm thinking of like short men that assault people and period, yeah. - Short men period. - Period. - Yeah. No, I do like short men sometimes. Well, when they're jailed. - I do why? - When they're sweet, you know. - Yeah. - If you're sweet. - Yeah. - But when a short man's angry, it's too much for the little container. - Well, I think tall men really, yeah, that's true. - You know. - That's true. - You need to be tall so that the hate can spread out. - Yeah. - You're short. - A short man whose angry is actually really terrifying. - We'reifying. - You're so right. But I do think that tall men, they get a lot of love. - Yeah. - And I love to tall man. You know, I still love it. I'm married to a tall man. - Yeah. - But, you know, once you're pregnant with their kid, you're like, I should have thought this through. - How tall is your man? - Six two. - It's good height. - Yeah. - It's a good height for a man. - Good height for a man. - Yeah. - Not a great height for a fucking baby. - Baby, your baby's, you're really worried about your baby's height. - I really am. - It's tall. - I just think it's so crazy that you can give birth to someone who's taller than you. - Yeah, yeah. It's probably gonna happen. - It's so fucking crazy. Like you never hear about that. You know, like you wouldn't see a fucking hippo give birth to a giraffe. - Right. - You know. - We do that as humans though. - Yeah. - My grandma's right here. - Crazy. - I tower over her. - Crazy. - I could kick her down so easy. - Yeah. - I never do because I love her, but she would be easy to kick down. - And you do think about it. - Push her. - Right. - No, I just think she's right there where my foot is. - Mm-hmm. - You know. - So you thought about it? - I don't want to kick her down. - But you've thought about it. - You take nothing to do it. (laughing) - It would feel good. - It would take nothing to kick her down. - It might feel good. - To kick Lillian down. - Would it make you giggle for a second? - Well, she would fall funny probably. (laughing) I don't want to hurt her. - No. - But of course she would fall funny. She's a little old lady. - Yeah. - And the sound she would make would be hilarious. - I wouldn't even really have to. - She'd probably say something like, "Blurk Blurk!" - Blurk, you know what I mean? - Or yeah, or something like that. - Something crazy. - Yeah, I mean, yeah. (laughing) This is funny to think about. But I don't want her to fall. - No. - 'Cause I love her too dearly. - It would be sad. - I did want to bring one thing up to you. - Yeah. - You got kicked off your high school cheerleading team. - I did. - How and why? - Where's the research team? - Right there. - Bravo. - You're looking at him. - I got kicked off my high school cheerleading team. I made a joke about somebody's appearance. - Rose by? - Yeah. - I did. - It's horrible, what did you say? (laughing) - I literally can't. - It was a fat joke, wasn't it? - I can't repeat it on a podcast. - No, it wasn't. - No, it was her face. - Oh. (laughing) - It was about her face. - How old were you? 16, 17? - I don't know how old you are in high school anymore. - It was like 15 to 18. - Yeah, so around that. - Somewhere in there? - Same age. - Do it, did she at least deserve it? - I think she had said some shit about me behind my back, but I heard about it. I don't remember exactly. All I remember was I was right. - Yeah. - Which is what you need to remember in arguments. - No, it was, yeah. - Yeah. - But, you know, should I have made the joke that I made? Not probably not. - No. - Probably not. - Yeah. - But did it feel good to say it? - Also, her face shouldn't look like that probably. If she's gonna be mean. That's the thing. - If you're gonna be mean, you have to be prepared for people to come for you. - That's what I'm saying. I was like, you should be pretty. If you're gonna be mean in high school, you should be pretty. That's one of the main rules of high school. - Yeah. Hello. - Yeah. - I remember there was a girl that I went to high school with who she accidentally sent a text about me to me. - Shut the fuck up. - In high school? And it was really mean. It was about how fat I am and how I need to get on a treadmill. And I hadn't done anything to her. Like I had just been, she was annoyed by me, which is not doing something to someone. Being in a way is not doing something to someone. And I really hated that girl for a long time. - Yeah. - 'Cause I was like, who were you gonna send this to? Right. Did she tell you? - She didn't tell me who she was gonna send it to. - Did she cop to the fact that she was like. - Oh, she felt horrible. She felt really bad. - What did she say? How did she try to save it? - She was like, she was like, I'm so sorry. That wasn't supposed to go to you. - Obviously. - I feel so bad. And like, obviously you don't deserve that. And I was like, yeah, we're not friends. You shouldn't talk to me for a while. And she was like, she was like, I'm so sorry. Like, can we talk about it? And I was like, no, there's really nothing to talk about. That was really mean. And I don't want to talk to you for a while. - Yeah. - And I think I did eventually end up saying something mean about her family. - Yeah. - I was like, if I came from a family like yours, I probably wouldn't be saying things this mean about people for no reason. - Oh, absolutely. - She came from a broken family. - Yes. (laughing) - Good for you. - Good for you. - Well, I can say that, 'cause I also come from a broken family. But that's why I didn't talk bad about people. It's 'cause my family's broken. - Yeah, that's why. - Yeah. - No, I really think that like, if you, I love that you said that too. - But if you come from a broken family, you need to keep things pretty tight. - Yeah. - Yeah. - The home structure's a mess. - You should know how to keep secrets. - Don't worry about me being fat. Where's your dad? - Right? - Maybe if you were better at keeping your mouth shut, he wouldn't have left. - What? (laughing) - Meanwhile, my dad's not there either. - It doesn't matter. - It doesn't matter. (laughing) - Yeah, I got one. - No, that's the thing is like I have a problem. If I, if somebody really pisses me off, okay, and it takes a lot, it does. But once somebody gets me there, I will say something that I cannot take back because it is true. - Yeah. - I will say something that is. - You'll go to a truthful place, yeah. - I will go to a truthful place. And it's something that I've been observing for a long time. (laughing) - Yeah. - And you can tell that I have chosen not to say anything about it. - Yeah. - And now I've crossed that threshold. - Well, I think a lot of comedians have this superpower, which is that I'm not necessarily thinking negative about the thing that you hate about yourself, but it's easy to tell. It's so easy to tell what someone doesn't like about themselves. - Yes. - And I can certainly log it. And I'm not holding onto it. I don't want to hurt someone ever. - No. - But I will say I have a power that I don't use, almost ever, that I could really take someone down if I needed to. - Oh, 100 points. - And I don't want to. But sometimes when people are evil, you get the impulse. - Yeah, Caleb, it does kind of feel good. - Well, of course because if they've been evil, it's like, I'm Batman. - Yeah. - I'm like, I'm Robin Hood. - Yeah, I'm a vigilante in my own life. - Yeah, I'm doing good. I'm stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. - Right. - You know? - Yeah. - Even though you don't want to use it. - The poor is me and the rich is also me. - And the rich is me as well. Yeah. Yeah. I'm stealing from me and giving to me. - Yeah, it does feel good. I would love to see you lose your shit at some point. I mean, I don't want that for you, but I would love to see it. Like I would watch it and be proud. - Chances known me since we were 17 years old. - I mean, when do you think I most lost my shit? - Oh, man, there's been a couple of times. I think maybe when you've most lost your shit. - It doesn't happen very often, but I'm open to hearing about it. - But there's been little. You kept it pretty calm, but you got close in Seattle when that guy was being weird 'cause we like bumped into his door in the parking lot of the Starbucks. - Oh my God. - He almost got a very interesting side of me. - Yeah. - So what happened was, we were onto her and it was who was in the car that me, Lily, who was new in Virginia? - Yeah. - So Lily, Sullivan was with us. Do you know Lily? - She's desk comedy bang bang. She's so fucking funny. - I don't think I know her. - You got to check out her stuff. She's so, so funny. She's been on the show, she's very funny. She went on tour with us for a little bit in the Pacific Northwest. It's me, Chance, our friend Virginia, who does social media for the show and then Lily, who was like our guest for that leg. And we were leaving a Starbucks and when we were getting in the car, one of the girls tapped, there was a car next to us like tapped his car with our door. - Yeah. - Barely. - Right. - And this guy gets out and starts yelling at her and I was like, you get in the car and then I got out and I was like, what's your problem? - Yeah. And he was like, she hit my car and I was like, she barely fucking touched it. You need to relax and lower your voice. - Yeah. - It's just like, I don't know. He was probably like 25 or something. So I'm like, Jim, bro. - Ew. - And he was like, he was like, look. And I was like, I'm looking at it. There's nothing. And he was pointing to like a dirt spec that had transferred from the door. - Right. - And I went, I think you'll fucking live. - Yeah. - And he goes, no, no, give me your information. I was like, I'm not giving you anything. We're fucking leaving and you're not doing anything about it. Goodbye. - Yes. - And I got in the car and then he followed us for a second. - Yeah. - Do you need pictures of our license plate? Oh, he told me, I'm gonna take picture of your license plate and I go, great, have fun sending a picture of my rental car license plate to the cops. (laughing) What does that mean to me? I was like, you're a loser, getting your fucking car. - Yes. - I was inches away from having a physical fight with him. - Yeah. - Because he was yelling, was it Lily or Virginia? - It was at Lily. - It really pissed me off. - Yeah. - You're like yelling at like a woman who barely touched your car. - Yeah. - I was like, Psycho, getting your fucking car. - Fucking loser. - And his tone immediately, he didn't like get super cool but his tone shifted big time when I got out of the car. - Yeah. - And I'm like, so, you know what you were doing then? - Yeah. - You were being menacing because you thought you could get away with it. - Right. - So you're evil and someone should kick your ass. - Yeah. - I'm not going to 'cause I have to go to a show. (laughing) - I have a show to get to. - I have to do a show, a sold out show. (laughing) But if I didn't, perhaps we would fight. - Fight, we might fight with our hands. - Yeah, that was close. I was probably the most recent time actually. - Oh my God, I would love that. That's hot. - That was crazy. - That's hot to me. I'm thermotoxic. - You are toxic. - Tony soprano told a lot. - Yeah. (laughing) - Tony soprano gave a lot away. - Tony soprano gave a lot away. - I know, I know. I can't help it though. There's something about it that like a man losing his temper, like, indefense of a woman. (inhaling) That's something. (laughing) - Oh, love it. - Nice, what good to know? - Yeah. - Rosebud, it's been a delight to have you. - It's been a delight to be here. - We love you here more than life itself. - I love you more than life itself. - Is there, do you wanna tell people where they can find you where they can watch the special, et cetera? - Yeah, you can watch my special on Netflix. It's called The Motherload, L-O-D-E, not the gross way. - Yeah, Yuck. - Um, and I'm on tour. You can check my website, rosebudbaker.com. - Go see Rosebud on tour. We love you. Do thanks for doing it. - Thanks for having me. - Yeah, anytime. - That was a hate gun podcast.