Roseanne Barr | Club Random Classics with Bill Maher

Shaq here. What's it like to buy a car from Carvana 100% online and get it delivered to your door? Let me tell you. Your car is here, Mr. Shaq. Thank you, Mr. Carvana guy. Can't wait to take it for a spin. Only the best for you, Mr. Shaq. Hey, have you always been so big, tall, and handsome? Not always. I was 6'10 once. Seven days delivered or returned, Mr. Shaq? Not that I would. You never do. No, I never do. So buy your car today on Carvana. Delivery fees may apply. See our seven day return policy at Carvana.com. Well, this week's Club Random Classic is Roseanne Barr, and when Roseanne comes over, you don't really have a conversation. You just grab the wheel and hope the car stays on the road. We cover everything from comedy and religion to Kabbalah, Joe Rogan, lizard people, wild pigs, and a fistfight she says we had at the Playboy Mansion that I apparently blocked out. Roseanne and I disagree about almost everything loudly and still manage to laugh through the whole thing. Remember when people could do that? Well, check out this Club Random Classic with Roseanne. Hey. Look at you. Look at you, honey. You look like a southern belle. I do. I live in Texas. I think you lived in Hawaii. I do. I live in both. Excuse me. One blue, one red. Right. One foot in each, bitches. I don't know. I see you're all warmed up. I am. I'm ready for you, but you ain't ready for me. That has always been true. Well, I mean- But I love you. I love you, too, because you're- Did we start? Yeah. We're always- Oh, we're on the air? Well, I would hardly call it the air. Whatever. We're broadcasting? You don't know that. It doesn't matter. I don't know. The point of this show is that it is exactly the conversation that we would have if we weren't on the air, and it will be. But we are. And that's one of the greatest- One of the greatest things about you is that, unlike most people in this world- Oh, your dirty hands. Did you wash your dirty hands before you stick them in the ice? Because I have a thing about germs. You know what? You want me to get a whole bunch of new ice? If you say you washed your hands after you peed, I'm going to accept your apology. All right. Also, I have the ice specially treated with a chemical that kills my- I bet you did at Monsanto. That kills my pee. Should I do that? I bet you did. You're all pro-chemical and pro-Monsanto and all that crazy shit. I am so not. You know that. Are you shitting me? The shit you say drives me berserk. Okay. I have a- You can attack me on many things. No, I'm not going to attack you. I'm just conversing. I'm just- I know, but I want to- No, no, no. Give me your hand. But I need to straighten you out on something. Straighten me? Yes, because you- Bitch, you don't even know. Now you want to straighten me out. I'm 70. If I wanted- No, put your hand down right there. Okay. Here, do it. No. Put your hand there. Why? What are you going to do? Slap me? I'm going to cover it with mine, and I'm going to tell you that I love you. Wow. What a 180 that was. I love you, and I don't want to hurt you. Leave your fucking hand there. I washed mine. Oh, that's right. Listen, I love you, and I want to bring everybody together to see they're getting screwed and robbed. Okay? Now, are we on the same page? Are we on the same page with that? Yeah. Okay, now let's talk. All right. I have a lot of videotape that if I wanted to go into the archives, I could send you, where I pretty much alone in media was questioning the pharmaceutical industry and people like Monsanto. I was early part of the century with the- I know you were. Yeah, so I'm not the guy to hit that hit with the- I'm not hitting you with nothing. You're for Monsanto. But what about the vaccine shit? And I've been way out. On the limb on that one, too. You were wrong. I don't know what your stance on vaccines is, so why don't you tell me yours, and I'll tell you mine, and we'll see who's wrong. They're trying to fucking kill us. They're trying to? Yeah, that's why they're giving us the vaccine. I don't think they're trying. Well, they are killing us. Well, it's much more complicated- They hate us. Who hates us? The pharmaceutical industry? No, actually- The fucking crazy-ass psychopath billionaires. They hate the regular people. Okay, Bernie. So, but you're not one of the regular people. Look at you, you're a Southern belle. You're like in a Tennessee Williams play, and you're the- I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Right. Look, you could play that today. I kinda am. You could still be Blanche DuBois. I love that character. I'm sure- What a writer. You know that nobody under like 50 knows who Tennessee Williams is. I know it's sad, huh? It is very sad. What about our age? It's so horrible because- So horrible. The references, nobody gets the- I told my daughter when I was talking about Lenny Bruce, and she goes, I swear to God, and I have to recreate it. Wait, who's that? How old is she? 34. 34. Well, I must say, Lenny Bruce was even before my time. What? Really? Yeah, oh, definitely. How old are you? 67. You're only three years younger than me. Lenny Bruce died, I think, in 1969, but I don't, I think it could have been 66, something like that. I think it was 69. Okay, but I don't think he had been working, he had been- No, he hadn't been working. Okay, so like- It drove him crazy. He was not somebody, as a kid, I would see on Ed Sullivan, you know? No. Or, you know, Merv Griffin or something. So he was just this, but because I was a kid interested in comedy, he was, I knew he was a comedy god. And, you know, Lenny Bruce, you know, they had talked a lot about him. Yeah. They had talked about him like that, other comic stars. But when I actually went to listen, it reminded me that comedy does not really pass through the ages very well. It's- Oh, it does, though. I disagree. Some of it, it's- Okay, Lenny Bruce. Not a lot of it. Okay, getting real real, and let's have another swig so we can relax. I'm all for that, sister. That's not like my Uncle Frank. Do my big daddy impression. Okay. Okay, she says yes. Let's see it. So how is, so what, now you live in what part of Texas? I live in the, outside of, what's it called? Houston. What's that fucking town? Austin. Austin. About an hour out of there in the hills. My God, I was just there. How much do you love it there? Percentage-wise, I do like Austin. I do. Everybody likes Austin. Did you go to Joe's Club? No, I didn't. I did his podcast, but then I had to do a show that night, and I had to go to Dallas the next day, so you know me. You should've went to the club. They got Mitzi's Room in there. He made a whole bar for Mitzi's Room. Oh, I know. Mitzi's Room? He's got Mitzi's Room. The bar is called Mitzi's Room, and there's a picture of Mitzi with a table. It's like Mitzi's spirit lives on there, and it's like everyone is trying new shit, real offensive acts. Not their shit. Really? Yeah, good. And I love it. And the audience is like eating it up, even though they're blue. Of course. They're blue voters, but they have open minds. And I'm saying my worst Democrat jokes, and they're loving it. That's one reason I love places that are cities in red states, because you get a mix of both things, and the country, I think, does need both things. Absolutely. So, you know, yeah, you go to Charlotte or someplace like that, and it's like, yeah, you're in North Carolina. But it's a very blue city. But it's not so blue that they got the stick up their ass. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think one thing we both don't like is people with a stick up their ass. Okay. It's like blue mixed with red, commie, equals purple. You know what I'm saying, Bill, with the hair and the whole thing? It's beyond blue. It's the next step towards Stalinist. Wait, what is -- I've heard you talk about it. What are we talking about? mixed with red commie equals purple you know what i'm saying bill with the hair and the whole thing Well, I have to say, I'm not a big fan of the blue. it's beyond blue it's the next step towards stalinist wait what is what are we talking about well i have to get my cigs where's my fucking cigarettes did i forget my cigarettes I have to go get my cigarettes. Yeah. Okay, they're over there. I'll be right back. Yeah. We have cameras that will follow you all over the room. Oh, good. I'm going to take a leak, too. A leak? No, I'm kidding. I mean, if you have to. So you're moving pretty good for 70. Yeah, because I went to Joe Rogan's doctor and they hyped me up on all this testosterone. No. And it's changed my life. Are you serious? For real. Are you fucking with me? No, I ain't. Because I know Joe is a big proponent of that. We had that discussion once on his show. And I'm of the school that I wouldn't do it because if you do have cancer cells in your body, it can accelerate their growth. And we all do have some cancer cells. You know, we all have something, everything bad. For cancer. Yeah. She says it. She likes to take it right. Yes. Don't underscore my jokes. You're right. - You're right. - But you got it, at least. Half of my life, nobody gets what I'm saying, if it's a joke or serious or what. - Really, your boyfriend doesn't get you? Of course, how could you be with him for that long if he didn't love every joke you make? I mean, he's gotta be-- - He gets 70%. - I guess that's all you can expect from a man. - It's the most I've ever had from any guy. - 70%? - Yeah. Yeah, but my sons. 70? Look, my sons, though, they get 90. 90? Yeah, they get my shit 90%. You know who else gets my shit 90%? He even gets it 98%. Who? Tony Hinchcliffe, that fucker. Who? The comedy assassin, I call him. Tony Hinchcliffe? Don't know him. That does that podcast, Kill Tony. Oh, I don't know him. It's so fun, Bill. You've got to watch that. I will. He brings on new comics, which is why I like it, because it's Mitzi-like, you know? These people come up, and they audition for one minute. They got their first, you know, like we used to do for five. And then we get to judge them. Ha, ha! You know, and he roasts them like they put them on a spittle, and he just likes to see the fat drip off them, you know? But then I don't want to do that, because I'm so rich and glamorous and famous. It wouldn't be right. No, it's true. So I just try to. Encourage them and, you know, say what I think they could correct, because that's more motherly, right? So. But it's a fucking blast, and you should be on there as a judge. Well, now that I got the. It's the number one podcast behind Rogan. Well, I mean, I'm glad you're edifying me on all this. I know you've got to get hipper, Bill. Thank you. Our whole generation is all fucked up and crazy and lazy. Which one? Ours or their. Yeah, ours. We're all fucking mentally deranged. We're not nearly as mentally deranged or as lazy as the kids. That's true. Okay, I'm glad we agree on that. Okay, that's a great point. They're deranged. They're fucking beyond deranged. Well. They don't take care of their kids, and that pisses me off. We're two generations into the rot, really, in society, because they just. It's not the kids' fault. They were just raised wrong. Everybody raises their kids a little wronger. And then you get to this where there's like. Talk about. There's just no boundaries. No. It's all fucking bitterness and recrimination. There's no fucking forgiveness, no matter how much money you give the bastards. That's what I found. With kids, your kids? Yeah. They never will forgive me. Never, no matter who I buy in my fucking house, they don't forgive me. Forgive you for what? For the fucking years of fame that I put them through. That's what they say. Really? Yeah. They're all lebtards. My daughters are all lebtards, but thank God I have two sons that are patriots of this country. I remember when you were a socialist. I still am. That's what's so funny. I love it. You're like a socialist Nazi. It's an interesting. I'm not. I'm not a Nazi. I'm kidding. Remember when me and you just got in that fist fight at the Playboy Mansion? Fist fight at the Playboy Mansion. You'd think I would remember a thing like that. Right by the aviary there? The aviary. Yeah, the zoo in the back? Yeah, when we were both drunk and all fucked up. You called me something and I called you something. You remember that? I don't, but I'm not denying it. In fact, I love that it happened. Yeah. I love that I got into a fist fight with Roseanne. I socked you right in the jaw. And you hit me back. No, I didn't. I always hit men first to see if they'll hit me back. Yeah, you did. No wonder I don't. Right in the shoulder. No wonder I don't remember this. No shit, you blocked it out, MKUltra. Who's that? That's the mind control program you're under, Bill. MKUltra? Yeah, MKUltra Mind Control. Are you kidding me, Nora? Do you really think I'm under a mind control program? I do. Is there a conspiracy theory you don't believe? No, I'm telling you. I tell the truth. Everything I say, people like you is always laughing at me. And then it comes true and you never go, I'm sorry I made fun of you, Roseanne. You was right. How come you never say that, Bill? Because names. I'm always right. You're not always right. I am so. You have some, I mean, I don't know. By your own admission, remember. You're going to say I'm mentally ill, which I say I am. Well, then why are we having this discussion? Because you have to listen to the mentally ill. As the Zohar says. Well, that's a circular argument. As the Zohar says, in these days. Zohar. The Zohar, the holy Jewish. Who's that? The holy Jewish. Is that the thing in Big where he goes. Yeah, but in reality. Really, you believe in that? Of course, I've read it. You should read it. The thing in the movie. The thing in Big? Sort of. But they make it a cult, and they put it in their movies. Because they're Satan worshippers. The Zoharic cult? No, they're Satan worshippers from Babylon. They're the reptiles. Long Island? No, they're the reptile people, Bill. Oh, the lizard people. Yeah, the reptiles. Yes, I know that QAnon especially believes that there are a lot of the world's elite. Queen Elizabeth was a lizard person. George Bush. George W. Bush was a. There are people who are, you know, they normally, when we see them, they're out there in a suit and tie, and they're speaking. No, it's not that. But they're actually lizards. They're actually. Well. And once in a while, you catch them in a blurry photograph of someone, and you just, you know. I don't believe all that. Oh, no. But I believe that something affects you after thousands of years of inbreeding. Well. I don't think. I don't think you could endure thousands of years. Well, you know how they used to make a king in the old world, you know, the world of pharaohs? Egypt. Yeah, Egypt and before Egypt. It used to come from a brother and a sister mating. What did? How you make a royal prince or a king. Yes, the pharaohs were victims of inbreeding. That is true. Yeah, right? Right. So it went on for hundreds of centuries. So that DNA thing is different from other humans except the Jews, which also inbreed. No, I'm kidding. And so do people in Kentucky. That was my joke. But no, the pharaohs and that line, they're really super inbred with their DNA. Yes, they were. Right. That's true. And it, of course, drives you mad and makes you like. How about shitty your immune system, you know, you're susceptible. And psychopathology, I think. Yes, right. Because they think they can, like, decide how many millions of people will die next year and the stocks will go up. That's why I think people are generally attracted to people who don't look like them. I know that's true in my case. You know, I mean, I'm Irish, fair skinned. That's like the one type I don't like. I'm like. Yeah, that's true. Uh-huh. And I think. I think that's because my DNA is saying, you know, mate with this one because it's less likely the kids will come out. Like you? You still got it. You still got it. I'm loving that I still got it. You still got it. Totally. And I'm going on stage there at Joe's. It's so fun. I love it. You got a lot of nutty ideas, but you're not nuts. I know that sounds like a distinction without a difference, but I swear to God, it's meaningful. I find it very ironic that you raise nuts. Yeah. In Hawaii, macadamia nuts are the perfect protein for the world. Of all the things to pick. Because it's the perfect protein for the world. Why nuts? Because it could solve world hunger in 10 minutes. You know, I think deeply about these things, Bill. They're not a joke to me. What is it about nuts that spoke to you when you were thinking about raising. Okay, I'm telling you, fool. Listen up. Listen up here. Because of the macadamia. I bought my farm sight unseen because it was a farm that had several thousand macadamia nut trees. Right. And I was intrigued once I read that. Well, because my son's kind of. It all goes back to my son having severe learning. He had a lot of learning disabilities, and they had a school in Hawaii. So I sent him there, and so I bought a farm so I could be by my son. And that's where it comes from. Wow. Okay, so I thought, well, I'm going to do something useful to the world. So macadamia nuts, I researched them, so it was perfect protein for the human. And it's so easy to grow, and it is rich in all the right fats for brain. You know, to develop your brain and to. Fuel your body and, like, you know, all the good stuff, all the good fats, all the good proteins, and very low in carbohydrates, high in energy. And, you know, I just got intrigued by, man, this could feed the world. I got really altruistic over it. How many trees do you have? 5,000. 5,000? Mm-hmm. And how many people does it take to tend to 5,000 trees? - Well, see, that's the problem. it's just you yeah me and like 4 000 wild pigs that i have to like you know i have to shoot them because they're they're attacking me so i have had to become a huntress wait what are you joking no i'm not doing my 4 000 pigs well because it's overrun by wild pigs because of the nut trees because i can't harvest them because they're so labor intensive you can't keep animals out with a fence i've got a fence it goes under the ground the pigs are so smart you know i call them the uniparty the repiglicans that's what they are they'll go if you think you're going to keep them out with a fence electric fence that goes under the earth you're not where they want what you have okay boy it's like they're pigs yeah um but what so they tunnel under the fence oh they'll do anything but what do you mean this one you but specifically she couldn't get through they're so fucking smart okay but you say no wait let me tell you they're so fucking they're smarter than humans listen okay it's either they're smarter than humans i've seen this one big old pig bitch she couldn't get into what i have she's got 9 000 fucking acres around her but she's got to come where i am where she ain't wanted see because she's a repair repiglican a sow right yeah so she puts her little tiny baby through the whole in my fence she squishes him through pushes him through so like an anchor baby kind of like that yeah and i see them pushing their babies to the fence and i am overrun by wild pigs and you said there's four thousand there's so many fucking hundreds of them every time i come home and go up my driveway there's more of them and they're looking at me too first they used to scatter but how do you but now they stand there going what are you looking at but who counted them me i got 4 000 i mean i want to know how you actually count 4 000 wild pigs in a forest by yourself that just seems like it's a that you probably didn't do that i'm estimating yeah it was like a perfect jack benny i'm estimating how great was that guy also before my time but oh my time too but i did get to see him on tv but that's the thing when you're when you're a aspiring comic as a kid you are want to be a student of the past ones too and okay let's get to the real deal let's cut to the chase here because i this is what i really was a cosby i think he did it oh no no i was i was wanting to talk about him cosby okay let's talk about him but okay wait i don't even know about what he and that taking that off the table they did taking what all that shit off the table yeah they did violate his civil rights because he signed that paper saying i will only testify to the truth that's why if i am not prosecuted that's why he got they agreed that's why yes that's why they overturned the shit because they tried they came back on him after they agreed they was never going to come so they violated him okay but what they did is they fucked up the procedurals right and that counts that's our system and he did serve three years that yeah by the strict rule of the law he shouldn't have served any time because you're right that's right that but so they got their pound of flesh can we call it poetic justice because he certainly deserved to serve probably more than three years considering i mean i was willing to let the first 50 go but it got higher than that i was like hey i'm seeing a pattern here maybe this guy did do something um yeah it is amazing the way he was enabled through decades well just the transcripts of the trial that he admitted to are horrible but the crimes that you can perform almost in broad daylight not almost christ you know it's like saying the emperor's naked and that used to shock people now it's like he's not happy enough to be naked in the streets and not anybody say nothing but now he like wants to walk down the street and just bend over and put his butt right up in our face and we're not supposed to say nothing well i don't think we're not supposed to say nothing you know i don't know why you have to you seem to want to always pick a fight where i feel like because they tried to destroy me phil who's they oh you're talking about the networks yeah hey i know i know you're talking about the networks you're talking about the i always felt for you i mean for people who don't remember it too young rosanne was the biggest thing there was a rarely seen kind of comment that crosses the show business sky like when she first went on the tonight show it was now this is sound like a jack benny it was the biggest like reaction we had not seen anything like this hit a nerve whatever you want to call it then the biggest sitcom and then comes back what is it 20 years later 10 years later something with 20 the reboot of the sitcom goes to number one again try that bitches and then you tweeted something that i don't even know if you thought it was racist it certainly was it was not well okay well i thought the bitch was white i know that's what you thought but that doesn't mean it isn't racist because obviously she looks just like the fucking picture you're not gonna get yourself out of this by by reiterating that and everybody's in power got to be made fun of that's true mock mock mock mock mock fuck you if you can't take a joke fuck you you fascist that's how i feel bill and you know what i don't give a fuck what color your ass is if you ain't doing right for your own people or anybody's people in this country where people are sleeping in the streets and it makes me fucking sick then fuck you i don't give a fuck about your feelings you are offensive to me you better take care of the people who are living and dying in these streets fuck off i'm so sorry but it just came out i'm glad that's what i want i want it to come out it's what what old friends do when they get together you can either have a blah blah boring like you know chit chat small talk conversation or you can like let it out and and and i'm trying to tell you like i get what you're coming from i i also i don't know how to do it other than just say it balls than anybody that's because i'm a trans man and people don't know that well i am though no you're not you're not a man you were never a man we knew you from you were a child star you were on the disney china you were a little rosy remember little rosy i remember the character you did you were really a witch i think of some kind but but good a good witch uh from another planet and somehow they they implanted all these crazy ideas in your brain and cut to it looks like they really did oh my god you know what really happened though but you need to be a little more sensitive to like people who i get it i i face the same frustrations i want to set the captives free who's the captives the fucking people that believe anything that comes across the tv but what you're on tv sometimes except me bill help me it's true you're reminding me of a really warm wonderful memory which is you doing politically incorrect which when you were the biggest star in television and i had a little show that was getting point two rating and you came and did the show i think with tom i think you did it together did i yeah did we and like the point of that show was like everybody should get a voice all right you know i mean even when you're nutty i think you should be heard like i don't believe in any sort of circumcision of free speech oh what a great that is a great word oh my god circumcision of free speech yeah i didn't really mean it i didn't mean it i didn't mean it i didn't mean it i was just i think we have to remember that uh well americans like after 9-1-1 you know bill 9-11 you mean huh you called it 9-1-1 oh well it's an emergency i know but we we did how come they're alike i remember at the beginning we people were calling it 9-1-1 yeah but then it became 9-11 and has been that way for like 21 years but you know better late than never 9-11 i hate saying it oh it's just awful memory but oh yeah but uh i remember i didn't find out about it till 9-1-2 that's so weird but it's true why why why gracie it is like that why yeah remind me and i've got and i'm just like george burns i got this cigar why um why didn't you uh find out about it until 9-1-2 well george what well John it's like this thing another comedy icons who were before my time but I still knew so I remember when I was I should talk about her how fucking genius that woman was Gracie Allen yeah well it is true again I didn't actually seem I knew what the act was she was the dumb blonde it wasn't really dumb you know it always has to work out where the man looks like the asshole it does have to work out but I tried to change that paradigm because I did I didn't want Dan to look you brought real truth both in the stand-up and in the sitcom to domestic American life you also I tell this every time I tried every time people bring up that movie Dolores Claiborne uh-huh I always say I remember this very clearly Rosanna and was the first person to talk about how common child harassing is whatever what's the right word whatever use yes you know yeah and which is what that movies about right and I remember so clearly at the time the reaction was she's exaggerating I'll come on I'm I was skeptical myself I don't think I was like oh Roseanne's full of it I was like oh I did I didn't I did not know that you were the one who like really put that out there and said no it's not a weird or rare thing it's like it's all through the culture I guess it's been through every culture it's amazing how but we're just horrible humans are that they can fuck children oh they do worse than that murder I guess is worse I'm gonna yeah I'm gonna oh hey look at this look at this oh you got a thing yeah good no one I had this all along oh that's nice I'm like Dorothy who just remembered she could go home at any time it is like that I played the wicked witch in uh in uh the Wizard of Oz on Broadway you know typecasting oh my god was it fun though that was typecasting the villain is always the fun oh it was so fun I got to fly on the plane I got to fly on the plane I got to fly on them fly things oh right yeah it was so awesome I don't know what year was this oh one of those years right I got to run for president too weird I wanted to talk to you about that but anyway we'll go back that's a whole other subject why don't you raise pot instead of nuts well I tried but they won't fucking legalize this shit oh you're in Texas yet neither Texas nor Hawaii will legalize me to sell my not Hawaii they won't do it neither come on uh-uh they won't and it's a socialist state and they won't do it I'm surprised to hear you admit that see that's the thing your politics are so all over the map one foot in blue one foot in red I know but what is that add up that straddle in the vast middle bitch I well okay I I would concur with you that we need both sides we need the vast middle we need the vast middle correct how did they how did they marginalize the vast middle that's what I ask myself every day but but some of the things you say are not representative of the vast middle no I know because I'm fighting on another level another level I'm fighting up here on in the penthouse of thought where wars are won and lost I mean people get at the truth through different means I mean some people are are out with it I think you and I are in that category generally and we pay a big price for it sometimes I mean you know people do not like to hear truth they really don't they say they do they like it in theory well I say they like it after the guy that told the truth has been tortured and murdered and stripped of his skin after 2,000 years then they think he's cool well we could be a little rosier about it than that can't but I mean they only like him 2,000 years after they've died a tortuous death that they put him through you know it's just gross how people think I mean I consider myself a realist but you know when it tips into that darkness I don't know if that's realism either of course it is we live in a fucking dark world ruled by Satan you don't live in a dark world you live in Hawaii and Texas I don't but the most of the world lives I mean and myself I'm forced to live in this sphere where it's controlled by Satan the snake wait a sphere that is ruled by Satanists yes who are the Satanists well there are all over the place but they don't know that they're doing it like who like name somebody you know just anybody I don't know I don't know he's over George Bush Jeff Goldblum I don't know what level were there are they everywhere the bank who were the Satanists at the very top sits the Bank of International Settlements in Bern Switzerland the Bank of International Settlements I've got my savings account with them oh no I mean it's only it's only 142,000 dollars but still are they in trouble of some kind are they yeah they're caught it being an international cabal well they were actually caught at that in 2008 with the HSBC bank hack well the whole the whole world economy collapsed in 2008 they weren't the only ones how smart you are to have noticed that about 2008 let's clink a fucking glass on that okay it's common knowledge but thank you so I didn't know you had that common knowledge well yeah I host a show about the news it was kind of like the biggest story of that year but okay um well I don't remember every god-blessed thing you utter well I'm plainly I'm consumed with myself as you are are you still into Kabbalah I know I know you're into Kabbalah I'm into the Zohar that thing you know nothing about well I love big he could not have gone back to childhood if he wasn't if you saw it would blow your mind it tells about it tells us about the karma of ants and anyway that's the key karma of ants it's just it is a little ethereal it's like it's very it begs for like a Woody Allen joke like it kind of does the karma of ants of ants but does it affect alternate side of the street parking is my my question jokes are the greatest the best the greatest thing to save humanity that's why I just love being back to comedy they will not save humanity but no I agree we're done well I mean I remember when ISIS was riding high do you remember after the Iraq war was over I guess it was uh Obama into Trump mostly Obama and then I remember when I remember when I remember when I remember when I remember when I remember when I remember when I remember when I remember when I remember when I remember when I was in the Obama second term I guess when Isis was kind of like took over a caliphate which you know people were crazy thought Glenn Beck who is crazy said they're looking to start a caliphate and then they did which you know Glenn Beck I still think is crazy but like when he's right about one give him the credit he did you know like he did say that and they won't do that that's what's the greatest quote even a broken clock is right twice in a row well I don't think it was I would give him a little more credit than that he seemed to study that that subject quite well I understand him completely because he is LDS and I was raised in Salt Lake City Utah amongst the LDS and I totally understand what he's saying and much of what he's saying is uh you know I know that they'll forgive and excuse me for saying but that is because of the deep teachings of the Zohar which the Mormon church does teach us teach as the pearl of great price so you were both raised a Mormon and a Jew Orthodox Jew and Mormon at the same time okay so you raised a Mormon and a Jew and also took a hood ornament right through the skull which do you think fucked up your thinking more that's enough for you young lady you're cut off all right father yes which fucked up your thinking more well I wouldn't call it fucked up my thinking I know I was just teasing I was no but I understand I understand from your world which we call the singleton world the singleton world yeah that's our language singleton meaning I'm not married meaning you have only one personality I do or everybody that you know of everybody or just me just you just me yeah everybody else has more well I don't know but you do speak the language of someone who isn't like severely divided although sometimes I think you might be severely divided because here's a test I always ask people take this test to see if you might be severely divided do you often say one thing and then do another never that's cool it's so easy not to maybe I did when I was younger and dumber I'm sure I did but it's a very easy once you're mature mature adult and you know your capabilities and so forth this is no i never understand people who do that who like promise something that they know they're not going to deliver on can't you foresee ahead two days or two weeks when you know right you know it's like like why you would never like tell a girl or i have a big dick if you didn't because at some point you know then you're gonna like hey you said you had i know i would it was what i said to get you in bed but now i'm in bed and you see what a terrible strategy that would be you know but people do it all the time set themselves up for humiliation on purpose i'll give you a perfect example twice because they're fucked up listen to this twice i stayed at a five-star hotel i won't say which hotels they are but you know five star we get it anyway one i i'm not gonna say i'm not gonna say the name but uh it was it rhymes with more reasons not to stay there again because uh although i do i forgave but not that particular branch so they're like most people i guess are in a hotel they get up they're business people they go out and they do their shit so they're out of the hotel at nine in the morning or whatever i'm a comedian i'm asleep at noon there's construction going on i know have you ever had that happen of course always banging and like i called down and this is what i'm talking about we're like why do people just not tell you the truth right away and i'm like hello what the fuck i'm trying to sleep i paid for this room it's the four seasons or whatever hotel it was i mean the more reasons and they say i'm so sorry mr more but we'll stop and they have no intention of stopping it it's costing them whatever fifty thousand dollars a day or something and it just it just goes on and you call back i'm so sorry and they're just like you've got to be fucking kidding and then you go down to the lobby and you say what the fuck you keep telling me and some guy comes out and says yeah we can't stop it's like why didn't you tell me that right away and you know switch my room crazy that's why i never stay at hotels anymore that's why i would you stay well i just stay at my own damn farm but you're in l.a oh i mean when i'm over at the islands look where are you staying now huh where are you staying now i have no idea yes you do what are you well i do have a place out of l.a and you're a place in l.a yeah gee you're just one of the common people how many other i live in a lovely neighborhood no i do live in lovely neighborhood that is uh you know a nice neighborhood i'm glad you were able to hang on to enough loot to have a bunch of fucking houses around the world because you know i think of you as like all wealth comes from land you're like the share of comedy wow it's like the alarm in prison where they have to all get on the ground hit the deck boys you get a shot with a rubber bullet uh no but you're very iconic and you know you i just try to do what i just try to put my money where my mouth is or fuck it right i just can't talk bullshit no i know you no i know down and send me straight to hell where the serpent will rule my soul i don't want to give in to the serpent i you know that's what the bible says but they they got it all mk ultra so women can't know what the bible really says bill oh god i i mean there's so much to i got just too exhausted to go back and pick up the phone and i'm like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i don't want to pick apart the crazy all the way back to the first crazy but it's something about the serpent i don't think i don't i think the first part of what you said has merit but i don't think we need to attribute this to the serpent and and by serpent i'm going back to uh you really do you really believe in a serpent do you believe in the bible like literally are you a bible person i'm a torah person deal with that i just want to see your face when i tell you that i know for folks who don't know the bible well torah is the first five books of the bible you know the five books of moses the big ones genesis exodus you know all the big stuff happens the earth is created garden of eden going out from egypt yes of course that's the big one going out that's exodus yes exodus slavery yeah i mean yeah the bible is just such a silly exodus movement of people you know it's just a book full of horrible morality and i know pointless violence it's just as a as a moral guide but that's how they were that's how they were exactly yeah but the idea that people today take it seriously and emulate that that's what you do that same shit no i don't think they should take almost any well they think they should follow along with a with a story that's supposed to be teaching them something but they don't get it they don't get it they don't get it they don't get the teaching of it they know they do teach parables but they're just horrible lessons they're like you know jacob pimped out his daughter to the king of shlomazar so that he would curry political favor and then the daughter was raped until they you know burned down the whole village it's just never it's it's never some good lesson it's terrible it's just check it out though that's how they were that's how exactly i'm just saying that's how they were exactly the problem is that they encoded that into a moral guide quote unquote and it's the last thing you would want as a moral guide but it leads up to something what it leads to well if you do the total jewish gematria of torah okay gematria yeah i don't know that word i know you don't but who cares you don't need to i like you're perfect how you are i like learning that's cool but you are perfect how you are i feel like the older i get the more i approach on a daily or weekly or yearly basis being approach not being but approach being 100 of you know who i want to be at that moment like accepting what i can't change and you know changing you know that old thing changing what i have the power to change making the right decisions not stupid decisions um you know treating people the right way you know it's that takes decades and you know i just feel the needle does move toward 100 but of course you'd never get there i mean i'm i these people who say in interviews i have no regrets i have regrets every day there's not a day that goes by where you're like i did everything just perfectly even if it's something trivial so you know you just do less and less as you get older it's the it's the compensating factor that we have for being this age because we're not as cute as we used to be well i was never cute you sure were no nobody you know you actually grew into your age great no nobody ever no no you look good as a seven and now i thank god that that was correct then you just have to look every age like if if i had had to you know get to the very tippy top of that of hollywood by blowing my way to the top i would have the worst shame ever but i never had to do that right you just did it for fun i just did it for free because you're a socialist no it all leads to this it's all going to be so great in the future what is everything it is though i said this at y2k which they're trying to obscure all notions of y2k but i was right about y2k and what was going to happen and nobody listened to me nothing happened including you nothing that's right nothing happened is that what you is that what you said they inserted the o between the one and the one if all coders know this i see there was a one and a one and everybody was obsessed that when the century turned what was going to happen well what did indeed happen is they added a a zero between the one and the one and all the banks crashed just like everybody said was going to happen at y2k but the banks didn't crash oh yes they did and they crashed again in 2008 they crashed in 2008 they didn't crash in 2000 y2k yes they did okay but they tried to prevent it they tried to prevent it by destroying evidence i mean i remember losing money in the year 2000 but it was because yeah you did yeah because uh i fell for uh again better to be older and wiser in some ways i fell for like the idea of like the internet which was kind of new was going to be this this rocket of economic superstardom and invested in a bunch of you know tube socks dot com who's not going to want to get their tube socks and of course we now have a company that everybody gets their tube socks from and everything else but yeah there was a dot com bubble burst around 2000. it had nothing to do with any of this It did have to do with Y2K. It did not. Yes, it did economically. In the world of economics, it definitely did. You said, I mean, I remember reading it. Then they started jacking up the prices. Check it out. They jacked up the prices. Seven personalities. And every one of them is a mathematical genius. So kiss our ass. But it's still seven? Or did you have to lay a few off because of the pandemic? Three of them are working from home now. Okay. There's only one now. Really? Yeah. Are you on meds? Hells yes. Really? Fuck yeah. I remember the pilot. The question is, have you never been on meds? That's the question you should ask. I remember the reboot, the pilot of the reboot of your show. You, the first. I remember seeing you and Goodman are trading your pills. Yeah. Because you can't afford to have all the pills you need. Yeah. That is your genius. Yeah, I read that. Encapsulating a blue collar concern in a way that people. Oh, they hate the blue collars. Yeah, but you, that's the nerve you hit. And you hadn't, when I saw that scene, I was like, oh. No, they didn't let me back on on that one. Well. No, they know what they're doing. What do you think of this guy who sang? Richmond, north of Richmond. I sent him an email. I want to interview you. And here's what comes back. This can't be real. He's probably a big fan. And it's somebody else's name, but not his. And so I sent back, but it is real. Right. And then I said, are you a publicist? And I haven't heard back. Because you know, publicists are the most evil people on earth. You know that, Bill. What I know is. Tell the truth. They are of the snake. Don Henley, when they put him in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with the Eagles, he was talking about Irving Azoff as their longtime manager and now mogul. And he said, people in the industry think of him as Satan, but he's our Satan. And that's what you want in your publicist. You want Satan on your side. So, you know. That's like that Azoff clan over there in the Ukraine, the Azoffs. That's very different. That sounds like Fox News stuff. It's true. The same name. I feel. That ain't Fox News shit. Irving Azoff, the mogul manager, has nothing to do. With the Azoff clan. With whatever's going on in Ukraine, I promise you. I bet he does. Unless the Eagles are playing Kiev. I'm old. Like, I don't get half the shit I used to get. Yeah, you're doing fine. You know what? I don't like this aging shit. What you don't have is old energy, which is good. You have young energy. That's what, it's not. Yes, people can see that we're not 25 anymore. But it's like the way you conduct yourself, you know, at a certain point. Like Biden is a perfect example of the other part of this. Biden. Biden. Do I think he can do the job as president? Yes, because government is done in small rooms making quiet decisions. Do I think he's up to running? No. Because there is the perception because he just looks and moves and stumbles verbally. And so it's just, there is an oldness that he cannot escape. It is a monster that is chasing him. Perception is reality. He has to step aside. I think it's Jim Carrey in a mask playing him. Jim Carrey did play him on Saturday Night Live for a season. I know. But like going up the stairs and falling that many times. Only Jim Carrey could do that so brilliantly. It's funny you say that because I've said this before about Jim. Like most parts, you know, they have a list of people who can play this. And it's like, yeah, they get the first guy they want. But if they don't, sometimes the second guy. Hollywood is full of stories of stars who turn down a part, which turned out to be a hit movie for, oh, Ryan O'Neill. And Burt Reynolds could have had it, but he didn't. Like Klaus Schwab used to be Colonel Klink. Klaus Schwab used to be Colonel Klink on Hogan's Heroes. Brilliant casting. I mean, you know, he was. You don't remember Hogan's Heroes? Oh, of course I do. I loved Hogan's Heroes. Remember Colonel Klink? Of course. Werner Klemperer. He was the son of Otto Klemperer, a great German composer. Oh, not him. I'm talking about the fat, bald one. That's Sergeant Schultz. Yeah, that one. That's Klaus Schwab. John Banner as Sergeant Schultz. Yeah, Sergeant Schultz as Klaus Schwab. Brilliant. In real life? Yeah. So who's Klaus Schwab? The head of the WEF. What's that? Google it. Is that the bank that controls everything? The WEF thing. What was the name of that thing? Oh, the Bank of International Settlements in Bern, Switzerland. So the Bank of International Settlements. That's where all wars are decided. They meet there, but it can't be the Swiss themselves. They're not secretly running the world. The bank, I get, is there, but everybody uses Swiss banks. Who wants to keep their. Although, in recent years, they've eroded a lot of those privacy laws with Switzerland. I mean, it's not quite as in the vault as it used to be. Yeah, it's called the Bank of International Settlements, and it's the central bank of all central banks. Trace me through how they get to make the decision. Is it about what they're. They finance certain armaments? Are there armaments that are then, it's too lucrative to not fight a war with these armaments? Is it that kind of thing? How does the bank control the war? Well, banks control all the wars. How? Well, they finance all the wars. I'll concede this. They go, and they sell. Their job is to stir up wars. Here's the thing. They go, and they sell, and arm both sides for profit. Okay. There's a book. Check it out. It's on the internet. There's a book. They make money from wars. Period. Yes. Halliburton. Yes. We understand. People do. I mean, and during World War II, they prosecuted war profiteers. I mean, it was not something that went unpunished. Mm-hmm. There's a very famous play called All My Sons. Mm-hmm. Do you know that play? Mm-hmm. The movie. A very famous movie. Black and white. Edward G. Robinson. He's a maker of planes. He makes planes and scrimps on the bolts a little bit, and people go down because the wing doesn't work right, and one of them is his son who's in the war. Oh, God. What a paradox. That's the title. They Were All My Sons. Oh, wow. So that was very much on the minds of people. Very much on the minds of people back then. Not cool war profiteering. That went away as corporations, and we're on the page with this, the Pentagon. Eisenhower had it right. Military, industrial complex. Yeah, they did. It's just something that never. It's the one thing the Republicans and Democrats always agree on, is that the Pentagon needs more money, which really means defense contractors, which is different than defense. Mm-hmm. So the budget of the Pentagon is like the Virgin Mary. It is sacred. It is immaculate. It cannot be touched, and it just goes up and up. With no accountability. With very little accountability, yes. They don't care. Like charging $15,000 for a screwdriver. But that's part of just a kind of corrupt, greasy end of the empire system that happens in countries. It's not like a deliberate conspiracy. It just happens when people slowly evolve, getting lazier and greedier. There's a book called. I can't remember the name of it, but the thesis of it is that government uses crises as a way to get a policy in they always wanted to get in. Yeah, they do. And the prime example would be the Iraq war. Yeah, prime. The Republicans wanted to go back to Iraq and kick Saddam Hussein's ass. Well, so did the Democrats. They went along, but it wasn't like George Bush. He tried to kill my daddy. No, but the Democrats went right along with it. They did. Most of them, not all of them. All of them always do the same thing and act like they ain't going to. Not all of them. That's how Obama got elected president, partly because he was the one who was right about the Iraq war. He was not for the Iraq war. But then he bombed eight countries. Sometimes presidents have a lot of problems. Yeah. But he was the one who was right about the Iraq war. He was the one who was right about the Iraq war. Sometimes presidents have to bomb. They do. The world is full of shitty people plotting against us. Sometimes presidents have to kill you. Yes, that's true. You're the one who, like, speaks the truth. That's the truth. So you can live comfortably in Hawaii and Texas and California and I don't know how Sometimes presidents have to bomb. They do. Yes, that's true. You're the one who speaks the truth. That's the truth. So you can live comfortably in Hawaii and Texas and California and I don't know how many other states, and we can enjoy our cushy lifestyle. Yes, there are bad guys out there. They're not all rooting for us. And they're like the pigs, some of them, in your forest. They want what you have. But you can live comfortably in Hawaii and Texas and California and I don't know how many others. But we would try not to. I feel that Jimmy Carter is a heroic president because he's the one president never fired a shot. Now, if he had been president after 9-11, he probably would have had to fire a shot or two, but never fired a shot. That's very rare. Presidents pull the trigger a lot. Now, should Clinton have like bombed Serbia in, when was that, 1998, the Balkan Wars? I mean, that's a big thing to bomb another European country. It's a little presumptuous. But they were going to annihilate possibly the Muslims in Kosovo. I mean, it was like, those are the decisions. People make, and you want the people in office to be sober. That's why Biden, I'm not opposed to him. Do you think Biden's sober? I'm not opposed to him being president, but he's going. He's going to lose. He's going to lose to Trump, who just next to Biden looks like James Brown at the Apollo, and he's 77. But it just, that just one guy just looks, the angrier Trump gets, the more he looks invigorated. He fucking killed it in his mugshot. He could not have done better in that mugshot. I got to give him that. Killed it. It was, I mean, you could, any other, any other actor, you could give a hundred takes. Greatest show on earth. Any other supermodel, and they couldn't have nailed it, and he only got one take, and he did, that was exactly the look he wanted. Andrew Sullivan said he was trolling the Constitution. Is he still your boy? Who? Trump. Oh my God, you're not going there. Well, I'm just saying. Now you're trying to get, pick another fist, fight between us. No, I'm just asking. I don't give a shit. You think I, you think it's not going to affect my love for you. That's the whole, not the whole point. One of the main points of this thing we're doing here is that I love to talk to people who I don't agree with on everything. Me too. Yes. We should all be able to talk to each other. Exactly. We should all be able to talk. That's the fucking point. Right. And still come away. Of America. Right. That's, I mean. Long may it wave. I had Candace Owens here, and you know, it just made me think, so many of the things she says, she was, she's very funny. When she says something I totally agree with, I mean, she's just a, it's like a comic going straight at it. I mean, the ref needs to call the match sometimes. I mean, it's like, it's not a fair fight. But then she's, it's like, what I thought was like, this is the challenge of America. How, to get along with someone who you think, oh, this person is so on the money on A, B, C, and D, but is insane about E and F, or in your case, G, H, R, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, U, R, S, T, U, P, W, X, Y, Z, double A, double B, double C, double D. But people like, but you're, on your side, you call common sense crazy. Me personally, you're talking about? No, your way of thinking. Based on facts? No, my is. Yours is not. Mine is totally facts. Yours is based on anything anyone says on the internet. That is so fucking untrue. It is very true. It is so not true. I don't know how you got sucked into the Fox News vortex. I didn't get sucked. I hate Fox News. I think they have one of those swirly things. I hate Fox News. And it was like, I hate Fox News. You hate Fox News? I always have. But that's where you get things. Things like, you know, what got you in trouble. What? I mean, there's memes in the right-wing media sphere that, you know, need checking out and vetting, and people don't. People just, if they see it on the screen, it's, you know, somebody asked me recently, what scares you? I was going to say COVID or some stupid thing like that. I was like, what scares me is the human brain. And like how crazy people can be, again, not about everything, but like how much crazy there is out there. And yet, you know, life doesn't just, as it seems like it should, just completely go off the rails. We get up, we drive, we go places, we come home. Sometimes shit happens, but mostly we're living our best lives. And it's like with all these crazy people out there, that's what scares me. But at some point, there's got to be a reckoning with all that crazy. Well, I think we're all crazy to someone. I definitely think we're a too conformist society, whereas when people step outside the bounds of what is the one true opinion, I call it, you know, the conventional wisdom, you're some sort of heretic. That's why I say, I want people to hear everything you think, because yes, once in a while, like the crazy person, this, we saw this with COVID, everything that the people who were supposed to be crazy were saying, oh, now the studies come out, and oh, yeah, the masks were not good for you, breathing in your own CO2, something I said like the first week of the day. Okay, I'm the crazy person, but a lot of times the crazy person, after some time, turns out to be not so crazy. I forget what brought that up, but I'm getting like you. It goes like for me that my, my tweet was about a militarized government under the Obama administration. What does that mean, a militarized government? Governments control the military. We have a military. We're not a militarized government, not yet. I'm sorry, militarized police force. Well, the police in America did, they went through a period. That's when tanks showed up in the streets. Yes, I remember doing editorials on this, that, especially after the Iraq war, the military, America always run by, how can we make money on this? Everybody in America is Milo Minderbender in Catch-22. So they had like excess Jeeps and tanks and shit that came home from the war. It's like, what can we do with this shit? Oh, you know what? I bet you we can sell it to police departments. Wouldn't you like a tank if you were the sheriff? And that's what they did. And they said, so I remember doing a new rule and it was after the riots in Boston and maybe after the Boston Marathon bombing, not riots, the manhunt. And like, it was like, when did Boston get an army? I got to go to bed, Bill. Oh, that's honest. Yeah. Okay. Not because I said something bad. I'm just tired. Okay. I love that you, it's always right out there. Like it hit you. You're like, I'm not going to bullshit or like slowly. Hey, I'm ready to go to bed. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you doing this. I had fun. I saw you laughing a million times. That is what made me love this. It was all hilarious. It was hilarious. you