Robby Hoffman is Aggressively Kind with Trixie

When you do acting, you're beyond the world of auditioning, probably, what do you feel about self-tapes? I won't. You won't. I got to do a Zoom. I like it back and forth. I like something. It's not beyond auditioning. I auditioned for the Steve Carel Show. That's how I got that. I auditioned for "Dying for Sex," a very large call out audition. Obviously for "Hacks," they were inspired by me and thought, "How do we pop this fucking season off?" I said, "I got you." I said, "I got you." I got you. I got you. I got you. Yeah. Is that your dog? No, no, no. This is Luna. Luna is Mark's dog. No. I like the dog. It's a friendly dog. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's a good dog. That's a good dog. I hope we're rolling. Wait. Was it not rolling? Oh my God. Oh my God. It kills me. Whenever we have a lesbian here, we bring a dog. Yeah. No, that's fine. Now, what is the fundamental difference between a dog lesbian and a cat lesbian? Because I think that's a different world. I just inherited a dog. Right. Gab became a dog. I have a cat, obviously. You know, I don't like to work for a dog. The cat doesn't require much of a dog. You've got to go out at night. It's like answering to a dog. Right. I don't answer to enough in my life. And now I have to answer to a dog. But it's fine. I have both now. And the dog terrorizes the cat, and that's how it is. She's just trying to live her life, and he needs to be a part of it. I wasn't familiar with what your wife looked like. And last night while I was doing my research, I googled it. What an absolute beauty. She's unbelievable. Wow. I have the greatest life I've heard about recently. You really do. I was watching. I was doing preparation for this, which is unprecedented because I think we're best friends. I think I know everything about you. No, I really love and respect you. And we'll get into how we became best friends. I think I know you so well. And then yesterday I was like, OK, I've only met her a couple of times, and I've only seen a few things. But I think we're lifelong friends. I think we're lifelong friends. You know I tell people you're my boyfriend. And that's fine. And I've heard this. I'm not on TikTok, but I get a lot that I'm big on TikTok, and I think I have you to thank for it. Yeah. Because I'm Trixie's boyfriend. Thank you. And if you need a boyfriend from afar, I'm your guy. It costs nothing. It costs nothing. And I'm here for you. Yeah. We met. We did. Well, that's silver like lounge. Yep. We did a comedy show. It's like lounge with. I think it was the very gay paint guys. Yeah. I think it kind of knows us and who booked us, probably them, right? Checks out. I've done thousands of random shows as you have. So I'm sure it was those guys. And it was a great show. And you were amazing. See you in Caleb. Yeah. Caleb Hermes there. What a good lineup. No one knew why I was there, but it was that nobody. It had like a backlinai, the silver like lounge. What's a lanai? Like, see, I'm already learning. It has like a little patio. A lanai. It's like a patio. Oh, a patio. It's like a patio. It's like a patio. Oh, a patio. Oh. It's like a pool. It's like a pool. Right. See the queens, lanai. I mean, they say I'm golden. Yeah, no, it is. Okay. I'm calling it a lanai. I'm pretty sure it's an alley that they put a picnic table in. So that the comedians can smoke. Now, a lanai from a patio. What is the difference? Okay. One just sounds like better than everyone or is there a real, you know, architectural difference? I think that a lanai communicates. Don't you think that I feel incredibly incredible that I was on a lanai? I have no idea. Right. I was on this lanai. This is huge. I'm like, a bitch goes to a lanai. Like you don't think I've been to the lanai. I go. Listen, I can get us a table at the lanai. I know. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. I'm already learning so much. It's two minutes in. Oh, lanai. Yeah. It's overlaunch. Look, like lounge. You and I were sitting in the back because it doesn't seem like the place that will have a lanai. Well, it's in the name. The silver lake. But even that. Lounge. You know, you're silver lakes. You've got kind of. Right. That's true. That's true. Yeah. That's really good. And they really could have this overlaunch. Which is behind. And I was sitting with them. They're so funny and so wonderful. And I was in drag. And maybe that's why I think we're in a relationship because sometimes when I'm in drag and someone's so nice to me, I'm like, well, we're in love. I'm happy that you said that because I come off aggressive. People don't take me for nice, right? And I've joked about this that I'm opposite Ellen in terms of Ellen purports to be kind and nicer. Remember, she was dancing. Yeah. People said she was a terror to work with. Well, I come off aggressive and rough around the edges, but I'm actually at the light. I'm actually kind and sweet. You can be aggressive and sweet. I'm aggressively kind. How's that? I felt that energy. I think you sat on my lap or I sat on yours. It was a very, we had a very maternal, paternal or paternal. One of us was the mother. Well, it was the father and moments when I couldn't tell who was who. The son. Or but in that case, right now, you feel like the son, right, but you were my, my little girl. You've been doing great. People say I look like that little boy from milk in the middle. Do you see it? You do. And you know, he wasn't available for the reboot. No one called me. He wasn't unavailable. He didn't want to do it. Oh, I think he's retired from acting. Yeah. I love when people are like, I know. I respect it. Oh, I just retired. I just, yeah. I just love it. Do you watch the boys on Amazon Prime? I don't. The actress who wasn't in the finale, I was like, why wasn't she in the finale? And they were like, after the boys, she just retired. I wish actress being like, I'm just going to go live life. It's wonderful. I think it's so Conti. Do you think you'd ever do it? No. Yeah. For sure. Maybe today. Conti retired, I guess. Yeah. Well, she's sitting in a procedure. I've heard that before. And how does she feel about you that she won't be here when you're here? She went to the hospital to avoid this. I have no idea how she's going to feel. I know. And you know what? I don't care. You don't care. How's that? How's that? I have to say, we did this over like my own, and then literally, I feel like I blinked and we were at the Emmys when you were nominated. I was nominated. And I felt like I had to manage your emotions because you were. I wanted you to win. You wanted you to win. I've never met somebody organically in the wild that then was nominated for an Emmy. So I was like, this is crazy. It was crazy. I was like, this is our little, this is our, this is our girl from the Silver Lake Lounge in the Lanai. I was on the Lanai and then I was on the Emmy stage. And as you know, it's all rigged. I'm kidding. Well, I was there with my sister. I was there with my sister and I was the biggest sore loser. So I lose immediately. I don't know if you watch the ceremony. So I lose immediately where the first award up I'm immediately lost. And we woke up with all the gusto in the world. My sister Kaya and I wake up and she's like, it's a shoe in. Like we're already acting. Like we got the Emmy. We got the mimosas. You started crying. No, we were like, Oh my God, who's even in the cat? Like it's not even close and you know how the category is literally Olivia Coleman. That's right. It's like insane. And we're like, it's a shoe in. So we are beyond surprised to lose. Like I walk in like, I'm already like, where am I going to put the Emmy? I got to put it next to my writing Emmy. We're building a collection now. And so we lose immediately. My sister goes, we don't need this shit pushes me out. Okay. She grabs me by the arm and we're leaving this shit. You can see us, I think in the in that you see us immediately leaving. That's good. We lose and we leave and we are stewing and you embraced the stew. We're back in the green room. We're horrified that we lost. It's it's homophobia. It's anti-semitism, ultra when transphobia, the whole thing is sick. Meanwhile, Julian Nicholson, who beyond deserves it one. And if not for me, her for hacks, you know, she was amazing and she was the best of people. Fuck her. Just fuck you. I love you so much. She was the best too. But it's like the people you really were hearing us out. Oh, yeah. You you became mommy. Absolutely. I was actually to my older sister because she was like, this is and you were like, it is it's disgusting. It's horrible. It's horrible. I was sitting there in drag because Kelly and I were presenting for like Kelly Mantle was presenting for best sci-fi hair styling, which she really should be presenting for best sci-fi face or some shit. Yeah. Like she has like a lawn order hair on presenting like that sci-fi hair. That's sure. Meanwhile, I mean, this like stacked triple wig that I did the night before. I'm like, no, Kelly, I'll present the human haircut award. Literally. You do the sci-fi hair reward or whatever I did. Yeah. But you were early in the in the thing. Yeah. We were in this little green room and I didn't even I guess what do they call the non televised for the creative enemies? Is that what it is? It was the creative enemies, which they're still the enemies. They always act like that's like the cracker barrel. No one cares. Well, nobody does care. Well, I cared until you lost and I was like, well, this is a sham. Yeah. No, it was a sham. And then they wanted me even more sick because there's a masochistic vibe there. They want me. I go, we're leaving. Right. So the Emmy managers, people, producers ago, you're still presenting. I had to present cinematography. I said, no, I don't want to do that anymore. This is no, it's part of the program. You got to do the cinematography, you know, like, and I was like, well, my circumstances changed. Right. Now I don't care. My circumstances have changed. Why? So I'm not in the mood. And they want me to read what's ever on this teleprompter showing me. You got to present. One thing I know, I'm not saying whatever the fuck they have me on their saying, I got out there fine. Never like you know we had champagne with you were calm down two hours later. I have to go present now I'm being forced. I felt like What kind of a sick they want you to hold an Emmy for somebody else? That's what I'm saying could have been yours. That's what I'm giving somebody else an Emmy now It's criminal, but I get out there and I go I lost there's nothing to say right and it is Criminal that they have me presenting contractually right in such a state right and it just for some reason brought the house down It was one of those things that I was like burning down when I get into a tantrum I'm like I'm not calm. I'm not relaxing. I can't deescalate. All I do was escalate right and it just brought the house down I guess the ceremony had been so Long in the way that they are that people were just like finally a sore loser It's like we be real like I felt like I remember you came back and it was exciting I got to see beforehand and you came back and I'm gonna be honest you I was actually refreshed By you entered the room like your whole family was murdered Yeah, and you sat on the couch and you were like kind of in shock But you felt like you were in shock that you were actually upset about not winning You had said to me like I didn't think I cared and I lost and I'm mad or now upset Oh, yeah, because I never even bigger Like from nomination to this Like my whole family's oh, she's an Emmy winner Right like who else is she gonna be my brother schmooly is like who else is it gonna be there's a maze Olivia Coleman is you know, I mean so we just didn't even see it was Shocking and then it was shocking. I cared because I'd never even Thought how am I get these feelings that it was so foreign I did not know had you already one Emmy before this yes, okay So this is a part of the story They think we need to add color to which is you have one and Emmy. Yeah, I Want an Emmy? You don't think I wrote an episode of kids television for PBS that one and Emmy Wake up wake up She's also the name of my Netflix special which is doing very well check it out I don't check emails enjoy at your own risk. I just was like I did feel bad about you not winning and till I Yesterday googled that you had already won one to which I have two things one I'm sort of like well now we can't say that it's rigged because you have one that's so if we say it's right then that one doesn't We can't say anything is for so I'm wrong. Right. That's the whole thing. Okay. I'm gonna look for any excuse that isn't me I'm not gonna say my performance You know before I say oh somebody had a better performance than me. I'll say it's anti-Semitism It says I like to defer blame for a long time before I go Rob Did somebody do better than you right all fair? It's fair all fair. I'm being a baby and I need my tantrum I'm the same way if I'm sad. I throw radio head on I'm like I'm like we're in sad I don't try and pep up. I don't try and put on something Peppy I Going when I'm thrilled. I got girls just want to have fun. I like I like I lean in right and I'm thrilled I'm driving if it makes you happy It can't be that bad Right so so all of so you're singing real time. It's not like with the Emmys It's not like stand up or acting or writing where I get a lot of practice right writing I can't well I can't read what I wrote 10 years ago. It's a bit small stand up. I can't even I shudder at the thought of what I was talking about Right because I've had so much practice with the Emmys You get to go once every god knows when you maybe have three up, you know I went I had an Emmy. I had no experience. It's not like I get to build up a muscle of losing an Emmy Right because you'd never lost before well Yes, I had been nominated with the team before right on squad But we didn't win but I wasn't on that Emmy and then when I was on the Emmy we won the Emmy I said how I believe it was so yes I didn't have this experience right I had experience with the show the kids show that I've worked on Losing but it wasn't as personal right this felt personal and Indicted right Robbie Hoffman right lost not the show right and it made me sick And in fact the show won as it deserved to hacks for Julian Nicholson and she was the best. She let me be a baby And I said I'm such a baby and I'm so happy for you She's so good. I remember being backstage and seeing your name on an award. I remember seeing like a lot of like And then they kind of wipe the name off and changed it. That's what I saw. Oh, okay See the plot thickens. Hello, the plot thickens. Did you and then having why not of Kelly Mantle's purse? Is that where we got the wine? We got they had they it was dry back there a girl so you know why because they had drag queens and they're like we can't very well Because you know where the best part of that green room and also the the people from the pit. Yeah, she was amazing and her husband We were all and they won but they were still into a stew like the green room was there was nothing first of all my sister spent $400 on the top She's like I've come all the way forever zone for this right. It's an hour away. By the way, it's an hour away It was like a conference room with like too much crudite. It would be coffee. Coffee knows champagne nothing We had to scour it. Yeah Kelly Mantle had a long black purse that was like a wine bottle. Guess what was in it? She brought wine. I love that room No, you guys were shaking hand and ported in and also those two women from hunting wives were back. They were incredible. What beauties my god? They were so gorgeous. Mullen and Brittany. Yeah, no really hot. I never go up to people, but I did have to go up to two people now. Well, in it for salt. That is the kind of room. It's okay. Is it not kind of going up to right? It because that's a point of it. You're at a networking thing. You're at the fucking Emmys. They stick you in a room with a bunch of people who are nominated and have good right to be there. Right and you're supposed to say hello. It's fair game to say hello. It's something like this. I went to the vanity fair party and I really wanted to say, you know Like gab is the kind of person like you like she's just she doesn't give a shit about anyone. She's like, what can I go home and sleep? Well, I'll do an hour. I'll have a couple siggies and I want to go home and sleep and I Do the hell you know what I mean because that's the only time it's fair game. You could go up to anyone you want you go up to Nicole Kidman Nicole, you smell lovely moving on. I've been smelling you all right. Now literally it's like who cares right that is what you've signed up for when you go to one of these parties. It's not being paid to get paid in some way. You're not being paid in any other way. Why shouldn't I run home and tell my family that she smelled amazing. Yeah, big really. Do drink you drink, right? I do, but my wife doesn't. Oh, so you got to kind of like bath dignity about it. She'll smoke. She's fine. She just okay. She doesn't care. She's like, you know, and people, you know, and it was the first time that people are coming up to me. Well, I found as always that person at the party like, you know, not that I'm specifically, but you get stuck in conversations with him. So many people were like, Robby, I loved your special and I said see now it's happening. I'm not now when it's happening to me. No, it's not when somebody beautiful, the guy who played, um, he played in the, um, in the Kennedy, that news, that show that just happened with what's his name? Uh, Carolyn Bassett and um, you know, I haven't seen that sound. That's it. What's the Kennedy show called love story? Is he stunning? Yeah, he comes up to me. The lesbian said she he's stunning. Yeah, no, but I think because I have to objectively, I could say somebody, of course, is right. Uh, what's his name from Twilight? That came up to me. The fellows are loving me. I heard he lives in my neighborhood and I'm always like on the secret watch. You know, I am even like a twilight person, but if I go to, for some reason, when you go to a hotel, it's going to be playing on the TV. Yeah, and I always like, well, it's on. No, and yeah, hotel TV. It's, it's, it's a calming. I want something so ambient, that I like will not be convinced of ambient. Yeah, ambient and Lenai. Those are my two take a home take away so far. Robbie, how did you figure out that this was your calling because my god, you're talking about people coming up to you and saying they love you. I imagine that you are pretty universally loved. You must have figured out pretty early that this is what you were supposed to do. Well, no, we never, I never had any dreams. I have hopes or dreams. That's good. We weren't taught, you know, um, to want anything. Yeah, like we were taught that it was like not going to happen. Good. Like we should just lay low and try and get a job. Universe and my mother told the school's not for everyone. She told us that a lot. Um, and dream little honey, you know, and it was already pretty disappointing. I mean, I was born in New York, which if you, you know, you're like, okay, that sounds pretty good. Pretty lucky. I didn't say that. No, that's, but that's, you know, and then I'm like, I found out I'm Jewish. That's okay. That's looking up. They're doing pretty well. When did you feel like you poor on welfare? Oh, it was like, how did we fumble this bag? But we, you know, we were from a very large orthodox Jewish family. Sure. And we were not on the rich side. Like we, we just missed the boat on so many things. Like one of the weirdest pocket. community that otherwise I think was doing very well. - I think it's a horror stereotype that a lot all Jewish people are rich, 'cause let me tell you that's not true. - But a lot are. - Right. - But here's the thing, a lot are. - Why are you yelling at me? - No, because we were so close, it pisses me off, it's like how did this happen to us? - Right. - I was literally so close. I was so close, so it started there. - Right. - It started there. And then as a kid, I remember being like 10 years old and he had cockroaches and cellophane and other windows for the cold. And I was just like, I gotta get out of here. Like there's no way. This is, I gotta get out. And I just felt like I had nothing. Like I literally like. - That's not fair. You had the cockroaches. - Yeah, exactly. - You had the cellophane. - Exactly. - You know what, sometimes it's all about perspective. You could be like, some people don't even have cellophane. - They don't even. - Some people's cockroaches are dead. - I know, so I just felt like so, whatever. And then I realized at some point, well, I have close to nothing but not nothing. I have me and the roaches. - Oh yeah. - So that's when I was like, what could I do with this? I didn't even really want, but it was my only thing I had. The only card I could play with me. You know, and it's not for everyone to be born this and to be this, it's a unique, weird one to get. You know, if God or whoever is assigning bodies and souls and he's going, Rob, this one's for you. And I'm going, really? - I love that kind of sign on. - Yeah, he's like, get out there, good luck. And I'm like, it's a really particular type of person. - The way that you do that, it's gonna skip like, like in the water. - Yeah, yeah, and there I am. And it's like, I've done well for what it is. What I've been, I don't think everybody could do me. You know, like, I was given this. And I think I've steered it pretty well. I've done the best I could with what I was given. And I think I actually did better than people. Like, we didn't, you know, such a particular one to have to guide and steer and drive. But the car works and drives. And I just kept updating it and I kept preparing it and I kept making it as good as it could be. And we got here. I never knew of stand up really or anything. I grew up in a very funny family. I think when you don't have like tons of material stuff, you have yourselves, you have funny, you have, you know, making fun of each other, you know, it didn't matter what you had. If you were slow, you know, my brother is special needs. And we make, you know, we're like, he's on the blue bot like this psychotic. - Right. - He would yell at us, you know, my brother, my other brother was overweight. He would call him fat. Like, we just went there all the time and we just developed the skin and our personalities, which is like, you know, a blind person who has a better sense of smell or something like that. So I didn't really know of it. All I wanted as a child, my only hope and dream was money. I really liked money. So I'm a young age. - You believed it would like feel good. It would like, yeah. - I thought it would be great. And by the way, having some of it now, it's even better than I ever thought. - Oh my God, it's great. I hate to say that, but I grew up poor as well. And I always thought it was like, God, you just, you kind of just need some of that. - Yeah. - You need some of that. - You need, you need, and I wanted a lot of it. - Right. - I wanted it extreme, like we're going here. I couldn't see myself happier for under a million. - What kind of fancy shit do you like to buy? Like what's your sludge? - I just like having it. - What do you mean? - Oh, you just like to look at it, touch it. - I like having the money and sleeping. - Cool. - I like things like that. My splurge is, again, I don't buy many things, but I buy good things. You ask me about my glasses. My glasses, I got maybe 12, 13, 14 years ago now. They were on a teddy bear in the window of the optometrist. - No, they had some sort of a holiday display, I don't know. - You were going to say, like, build a bear. Like, I had these toy glasses. - No, it wasn't a talented dress. - But they had like glasses on shelves, and then they had a teddy bear, like a small teddy bear wearing these. And I said, "I think those were fit me." 'Cause I have very small head. You actually have a very narrow. I feel like we're similar. - I wish my was narrower. Oh my God. - I love your head. - Yeah, so I have a small head. And then they were children's glasses. They were children's glasses. So they fit perfect. But then I had to haggle it down. I got them for 350, which at the time, glasses are so expensive. - They really are. - The Warby Parker and lens, like, this was like you have to go to a specialized place for glasses, at least in Montreal at the time. It was all wrapped up in the medical. So I get the glasses for 350, and I'm still wearing them. - And they still wear them, right? - I take care, very good care of my things. It goes in this case. These are my prescription sunglasses, and I'm always swapping. I've never not taken, I don't buy many things, but I buy very good things, and I want them to last. And I can like things forever. I think it's the reason I love marriage. I like, just like I love Gabby forever. I do that, it's not unique to her. Of course, I'm obsessed with her, and I love that I found that in my wife. But I'm the same way with my watch, with my glasses, with a car. I'll just use it until I can't, like, I will go the distance with it. I will update, fix, repair, and repair, but I'll buy something good that you can do that with. So just having that also being able to help family and just like feel okay, is just amazing. - I do like what's like, I have a sibling or something. I'm like, you need a tooth pulled, 'cause I got you. - I got you. - I got you. - I got you, it's amazing. - It's really nice. I mean, that's something that like, when you're young, and you worry about money, and also, I don't know about you, but I always just felt so embarrassed to being poor. - Of course, I felt embarrassed to people over, embarrassed if it was like a school function, and we needed money, and I would feel like, embarrassed at my clothes. I had an older brother, so it was hand-bound. - No, I was hideous. I had nothing to wear. - And now I like look back, and I'm like, wow, nobody was making me feel ashamed of being poor, but I remember just full-time feeling like, is anybody gonna know that I'm deeply poor? - Everybody made me feel bad about being poor, and we were very poor. But we had other poor kids. I grew up in a neighborhood, we'd be like, well, you're on food stamps. So, sorry, you bitch. - Right. - It's like we're both fucking poor. It's like, so you're, you know, people would say, your father beats your mother. It's like, yeah, like, you know what I mean? Like, there was no load that you could not go. But yeah, I also then went to this Jewish school, and I'm not shading. It was an amazing school. And my mother thought it would be a great opportunity. They took me for free. It was a nice private school that I would take the bus to. And my mother really, like, would get down on the love bed, 'cause it's a good opportunity for you. Like, don't mess this up, 'cause I was a troublemaker and whatever. She really was begging me to take it. She's like, you know what, a good opportunity this is for you to go to this school? And your brothers are in this school, not school. Just please. You know, 'cause I couldn't just lay low in school. I always was passing problems. - You were like, Robby visits with neighbors. Are you a disturber in class? - Yeah, I was a shit disturber. I protested. - I was just talking. I had funny things to say, and I wanted to tell the people around me. Like, I knew you're working, but I just had something so funny. I know you don't even like me, but guess what just happened? - Because we didn't have the material. We really, and that became my answer. - 'Cause it took me and grades K to 12. - It's terrible. - It's a tough room. It's a long tight file. - It's terrible. And also the teachers, you know, we have pop quizzes that I have rejected too. I said a pop quiz. It's just so, oh, how we got here? What's this gotcha moment? Just tell me when the fucking quiz is so I can read the book and know the answers. - That's ridiculous. - This is ridiculous. - Except me was the homework. - Like, the whole thing was like, so my mother'd be like, "Just do it!" And I just, I had, I had authority problems. I had anger management. I judged the whole thing. - I think of it. - I saw. - Yeah, exactly. So, I'm still that way, and in the end, I've been able to monetize it and quite well. Thank God, by the grace of God. - Can I ask you a question about marriage? - Yeah. - I really feel like when you know, you know, did you know immediately that you were gonna marry her? - Yeah, you know, I wasn't the little girl who always dreamed of getting married. Obviously, you could tell. But I just, it felt like the one loophole to me because when I was a kid, I really hated a lot of my family. My brothers, we were very violent in the house. I mean, at one point, we were 10 kids, you know, we were, or 10 kids in 12 years. So, at one point, there was like 18 teachers living. - You were nine people. - You're nine siblings? - Yeah. - Holy shit, yeah. - You're from the city? That feels like I'm from the country. That's some country shit. - No, it really is. - Maybe I would have been happier in the country. - I think so. I wouldn't have been happier anyway. - 'Cause you could have out anyway. - I'm in siblings in the country and it's like, oh, hey. - Yeah, no, it was really bad. We were living in like, you know, a duplex and with apartments and everything. - How do you spend that to people? What is Christmas like with nine fucking siblings? - Well, we don't do Christmas, it's just more Jewish. - Although can I say, I've been do a lot of Jewish Christmases. - Yeah, but they're not see, but they weren't to Jews that we were. - Right. - See, we're doing, we're putting our money where our mouth is. We're doing the Jewish Torah, the Bible. We're doing all this shit. And you're out here, shelling out and doing your fucking Christmas. (laughs) - The Christmas. - We gotta be poor. We gotta be poor. The religious ones, it's like criminal. It's criminal. And now I've done Christmas. I've had three Christmases. In fact, these. - What do you think of it? - Brought as sneakers, which I've wanted my whole life. I'm reliving the childhood. Gabby and I try and give ourselves the childhoods. - I love that. - I always wanted these. She got me these for Christmases. - They're so cute. - I'm so hard with Christmas. I'm all about Christmases. I don't know how to say it. - Can I help you? - I mean, I'm not Christian. I love Christmas. - It's amazing. - I can't help it. - I get into the decor. I become a gay. - Girl, the decorator. - I have vintage strings and ornaments. tournaments and I have the fucking what's your tree look like, Jeb a tree? We get a tree. We get a real tree. I Like the real tree. Yes. Give me that fucking time. You also like pine needles in your foot, bitch. No, I don't have any where very neat Can I tell you what happened to me this year and the people on the pod know this it was February? I know I say that word weird February, but it's a little. No, no, no, they have to stop February sure February I walked outside my fucking house end of February and there's a goddamn real tree on the curb Who throws their tree out after Valentine's day? Is that too soon? I'd you like are you kidding? I'm very new that shit should be gone Second week of January. Oh, no, we keep it whenever what oh It's healthy. I'm saying if it looks good. I'll keep it when it starts dying. I get rid of it. If I had Halloween stuff out in December I hate Halloween stuff. Tell me I was crazy Halloween stuff is ugly Christmas stuff is pretty Halloween is ugly. It's not aesthetically Like spooky like witchy. I don't like the orange. I don't think it's the nicest color Right. It's the Halloween that the kind of shade. I like the fall orange more of the burnt orange sure But once you get into that plastic pumpkin orange and the plastic stuff No, can do I go pretty. I like the aesthetic look of Christmas stuff I was with a Jewish man for like seven years I got to do Hanukkah and it was There's nothing. Yeah, but there's nothing which is I was like a P flag mom where when it was time to like candles I'm like filming. I'm like. Oh, yeah, no, it's good. I was making a bigger deal out of it than then A card carrying Jewish person was like it's really just like lighting candles This is amazing. You should be so proud. I know my birthday is in December. So I always had Hanukkah fell the same time as my birthday many years and my mother would give me I always got jude out of my present because she would give $20 if it was your birthday or $10 whatever whatever she decided she gave cash Or a gift card to the pharmacy. Did you guys do tooth fairy? We did for a while, but it's very traumatic. Is it different? We have a few stories remind me of this the tooth fairy my wife being married to her and family and then My birthday. So I'll do my birthday then tooth fairy birthday. I Got a combined Hanukkah birthday card. Okay, but with 20 bucks in it But I'm like, my mom should be 40 she goes this is for your birthday and Hanukkah, but I'm like, oh, you see everybody else Gets 20 on the birthday. Yeah. Okay, Schneeers birthday. He got in April He got $20 and then come December. He got another 20 that is 40 You're like splitting. It's not double the gift. I'm gonna have the gift can I tell you I went through something Relief the more. It makes me sick to this day When I won RuPaul's Drag Race, they told me that if I it was a tie that I was gonna have to split the money I said that makes me split the money and then the next year there was a tie. They both got the full amount Whenever they do that of like the the one when when when when you know Condragulations your you know you won the challenge and they make two people tie split the gift It's so cheap. It's corny bitch becoming and Ru. We don't need to be doing that anymore We love you. You've got the money. We're thrilled for you. The show is doing very well any winning times a billion Let's just give them each. Yeah, like you always go more generous than less Hello, and if anything else, it's more food than less when people will come and say if you have if you can't have nobody over Don't have people over. I've said this too Mary, but if you're inviting people over More than less. You don't want me to get upset. I cannot take in this our city, Los Angeles, California If one more person but especially fucking gay people invites me over to a function where there is not adequate food Oh, no. Why are we having a part? It's a super bowl party with chips and chips is off the store That's not a super bowl party. No, no. That's you leaving your fridge open and you left the TV on it's disgusting It's disgusting girl going to someone's house where it's like baby one one tray of Trader Joe's entrees that you pull out of the oven I literally I got to do something so classy and something I've always thought because I thought if I get money I'm gonna do it good. Yeah, you know, you met terrible rich people growing up and you met good ones who said take Right, so I wanted to be that my Netflix release party. I didn't do a whole thing in a theater with Netflix I said I just want to be at home with some family and friends My brothers some of my brothers threw a flu in my sisters and with family. We had our good friends. I said I'm doing one of those home bartenders. You know, but I thought I thought I'm using the Netflix budget I thought it's probably 20 thousand dollars after it. It's $400. I was literally just gonna say was it about $400? It's for all it's like so it's for all I was they bring everything They bring everything bar the guy is there. He's cute. We should have got catering the kitchen And I said everyone bring nothing It was an unbelievable party. I had food for weeks left over and that's how it should be for something of that You know what I mean? I'd rather left over and that's a lesson for my mother We always had you know, we were poor people go. Oh, you that's why you're small again. No, she. Oh, I had a lot of food She prioritized she was feeling those potatoes. We had food. That's what kind of family. I was too We were absolutely poor, but I don't know what my mom her dream was to be a wife and a mom and let me tell you When food she was like we're poor, but we're having a protein a salad a dessert like every she'll have that bitch That bitch made us food and she yeah, and we had good food and that's fine You know she went to markets and stuff she bought in bulk, but we had always more than less and so it's you know That's something I wanted to bring to the rich. Yeah, growing up like once I get there. Let's bring that lesson more than last What you're the ones you should have that. Thank you, but somehow you missed a memo the food is a family And and you touched on it with Gabby marrying Gabby and what's that like? Is as a kid you're not appreciative of your family necessarily my brothers. I thought they were dumb as hell I didn't like them. They were always violent. You know, they were teenagers living in the same room 1.13 14 15 16 right? I don't know all jerking off on each. I don't know what was going on in that fucking boys room Okay, but they were violent you would get caught and cross the fires It was horrible and I would come home from school and I would say ma There's something wrong with them. They like I'm telling you There's something it's it's it's clinical. It's something wrong. You're gonna grow they're gonna grow up You're gonna see that I was right. I was wrong, but um she said why don't we check your Well, though your brothers, though your brothers you can't choose your family It is what it is you can't choose your family and then it was a loophole was getting married I can choose my family one time yeah one time And I got to choose Gabby to be my family and it's like change my whole life. Oh, yeah, it's like the best So that's that was the one perspective change I had with it and it really like Gab and I our family Incessional because we touch each other, but it's the one type of family, you know, it is if you think too hard about it It's not great, but it really is like, I mean, I don't know. I just feel like when you grow up You're like I'm gonna I don't know about you, but growing up poor and growing up with let's just say family things that I would change if I could I was like constantly keeping a ledger of like never doing that again. I will not do that in my house I will not you know, it's like I know I didn't know you get born into whoever you're born with, but later I'm Gonna truly try to avoid Poverty know it was the worst thing, but also years was good. That was good Yeah, what I realized though is like I'm bringing the morality to a richer world because it's like These people, you know, the richer people are the cheaper they are You know, there were things that like it makes you so sick and you go to a person's house and you know They have so many rules you can't go in the fridge and it's like what I said before it's like we were poor We had nothing of people were my men said take take take like they just don't have that same spirit Like I had a pretty last summer and Kati came over Walked by all the food that I put out Went into my fridge took a bag of green grapes put it in a grocery bag and left with it. Yeah, well she just took it She did she bypassed okay, she is she's a snore. That's what we would call a snore. She's a snore. What's that mean like she she Mootches Yeah, yeah, she's a moot. She's mootching now. She's a moot. She's getting paid today. She's a man I'm not even getting paid. You're taking a check from a queer girl. How does that feel? How does that feel? I have a glam question. Please your look is very signature You really probably can never get new glasses because now it's gonna be like was that Robbie? I was different glasses I don't know what I'm gonna you know what yeah, I don't know so for your specials do you do Hair and makeup. I do my own hair and makeup. You do. Yeah, you do this. Yeah, when did you start doing this? I don't know It's just one of those things again Yeah, I don't know when it happens. I saw in my friend Yeah, cuz I used to see a teacher We had this crazy teacher and she was at the school since before the like the first teacher of the school Like you could see black and white photos of all the classes. Uh-huh like this like when the school is like in a room and she always had this like New font kind of snookie haircut, okay, but you see it through the years for like 30 years till when she's like an old lady with the same And I always used to laugh at that and make fun of her like she still looks and I'm that lady. I like it. It's like a cartoon when I was a kid, I thought the future, I remember this episode of Doug, do you remember Doug? - Doug was the best. - So Doug opens his closet and every day his clothes are-- - You're a little Doug-like. - Absolutely. - He's a little Doug-like. - He opens the closet and every day is the same outfit. - Yeah. - I thought someday if I could just have a closet of the same outfit, I thought there would be so much peace in that. - Right. - I know what I look like. If you see me from afar, you'll be like, that's the bitch and her white t-shirt or whatever. I think you're here and your glasses are so, your thing, so you go to your special taping. We do this, we put on the glasses. Do you put makeup on? - Yeah. - What kind of makeup do you wear? - I wear whatever's on sale. I wear a blush. My sister says it's like you, but better. - Oh. - And it just helps to see, like before I did stand up with any cameras, I didn't have any cameras, I used to be really, you couldn't see. - Right. - And I'm a, I'm a talker, but a hand talker and a face talker. - Yeah, get close to you. - Yeah, so I have a lot of expression. You know, it actually lose some language if you can't see me properly. So we did the blush. Some of this is a bronzer blush. It really depends, but I buy whichever. Gab always says I look kind of different depending what, like if it runs out, then I'll have to, you know, buy a wet and wild and say, how'd that color? So I'm just, I have to go with a new one. - I think, maybe I'm toxic. I think every single person who goes on stage around camera should have a little bit of makeup on. - You have to. - You have to. - No, they put it on. I mean, the lights people don't realize are, it would be like you're the wall. They're like blinding lights. - Yeah. - Yeah, you have to, you know, it's, yeah, you have to be largely, in normal lighting, you have enough color. You're normal. But in such bright lighting for television or for filming, you would lose so much if you weren't visible. - And people don't want to talk about that, but I will. - Well, I think you're talking about it. - I think we're talking about it. Did you like Los Angeles? - I do. - You do? - No, look, I think New York's a dump and L.A.'s a shithole, but that's nowhere else to live. - That is so, like you can't even shit on New York if you live here because it's like, well, girl. - They're both horrible. - She shittered pants, but so did you. - Yeah, like they're both horrible for different reasons. - Yeah. - And now it feels like they're becoming themselves again. Like, mom, Donnie, to me in New York is like, so the epitome of New York. He's so New York, bringing New York back to the people of the people by the people. Like New York is feeling very much like New York again or what you would think, and then if that's a lie, which is looking like, no, but it's looking like, but it's like, it kind of makes sense that high in New Montag would be First Lady of California. Like, it actually, it actually, I mean, it's like, the world might be like, it actually is who you would think would be First Lady of like, you know, they talk about the plastic surgery and the fake and whatever. It's like, how do you want to tag us First Lady of California like, shocks nobody? I don't think so. So I'm Donnie running New York. It's like, it feels New York again. New York is getting more New York in LA. It's back to being, I guess, more LA. That's how I feel about Trump and Melania. Sometimes I'm like, we deserve it. This is what we deserve. No, it's not deserved, but I'm like, yeah, America does love this shit. They love it. It's crazy. I have you seen these Spencer Pratt commercials that are like, this is where Karen Bass lives and this is where I live. And it's like an air stream trailer. And I was like, you do not, and I love it. I lived in a trailer for a long time. I actually love trailers. Have you ever lived in a trailer? No, but I used to rent them a lot. Just to have just like your money, just to know it's there. Yeah, I like like little things on my own spaces. I like like a clickity. Look how this opens. I just got I turn 19 and move out of a trailer. And then people were like, tiny homes. Yeah, right. And now it's now. When I lived in a trailer, it was trashy. Exactly. Do you like RVs? I do. I'm obsessed with RVs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't you have a motel? I do. Where is the motel? It's in Palm Springs, California. We got to go to this fucking motel. You'll die. Is it finished? Oh, yeah. Because you are building this motel. Yeah. Well, I renovated a motel a few years ago. And it's still open and thriving. People love it. I got it open. Cry. We marry a lot of people. Oh, my God. I got to go with Gabb. I think she really fuck with Palm Springs. We do divorces. You never know. Huss. God forbid. Are you insane? Are you insane? I can. Say, I take that back, that's insane projection much. Say I take it back. Say I take it back. I take it back. You know, we do vowel renewals. What do you think about vowel renewals? We do it every week. Right. Did you? Are you horrified? What's the other story I had on my list? No. Oh, yeah. The tooth fairy. The tooth fairy. Let's save you from this. Okay. Did I do the tooth fairy? My mother. Yes, even though we were poor, when we moved to Canada. My little sister was at the age, we moved to Canada of the tooth fairy. We didn't grow up with the tooth fairy because religious Jews, whatever, but she had heard about it in school. So we were like, wow, we should really do the tooth fairy for her. Like, why not? It's hard to keep a cap on that because everyone's teeth are falling out and everyone's waking up with money. How is your kid going to not find out about the tooth fairy? We slept in a room. I slept here. My sisters were on a bunk bed here, one on top, one on the bottom, small room. And then at some point in the night, we heard a crash. The lights go on. My mother is on the fucking floor, tripped on a lego. God knows what. Okay. My, we're like, my, she's like, it's me. It's my, I'm the tooth fairy. It's me. She blows at me. And two seconds. My little sister started crying like, what? I'm like, my, you're making her cry. You're making her cry. She's not. It's me. It is. It's my money. It's not money. She gives her the 50 cents. She's like sitting up crying with the 50 cents. Like, so that, my mother attempted and when she give it up so easy, she could have just I fell. She's so sick of it. You have to imagine what this lady went to make her 10 launches, nine loads of laundry. She just cooked two for us. And finally, she's like, you know what? I'll try and do this fucking tooth fairy thing. I'll find 50 cents, put them in a little bag. And, and I'll, and I'll just stick it under the pillow before she went to bed. It was her last. And then she can't see because it's dark in the room. We've been sleeping. It's only nine o'clock where kids, you know, and she smashes like she really, like we woke up to her like face plant it. Right. Oh, my, my little sisters are horrified. I'm like the big girl in the room. I'm like, 12. I'm like, my calm down, you know, and she's like, ah, it's me, it's my, I said, I'm a toothbrush. You're just holding up this like 50 cents in the baggy, she's like, it's me, it's my, I'm a tooth fairy. It's my money. You guys caught the ghost and like a Scooby Doo movie like she could have kept it like, she could have just said, I tried, but she just exploded she just, oh, I found 50 cents when I tried. She's not that she just was at her, it just, she's tired, collapse. The whole, it was hanging on by a thread. Right. And then she trips and the whole thing, if I had 10 kids, I'm not telling about the tooth fairy either. No. Because how many teeth are they losing? That's 50 cents a pop for 10 kids. No one. And my mother, I mean, we had bad, you know, that's, that was another sign of, of poverty. Not to, but like we had kind of bad teeth because my mom would put like apple juice in a bottle. Well, my sister's, my mom, when she was feeling like a good mom, she would water the apple juice down for the kids in the bottle, you know, like we wanted apple juice, like my mother was like, you have, but it's like, you're not supposed to drink juice and go to sleep. It's so bad. It is bad. But you know what I mean? So, um, don't drink your juice, Shelby. I'm still dealing with teeth, you know, teeth is one of those things when you want to grow, when you, when you, when you try and get money, I'm like, but is it too late to fix my teeth? No, it's not. No, it's hard to fix it now. It's definitely awkward. It's so awkward. I went in 25 and I could afford a dentist at all when I first went to L.A. Yeah. I went to a dentist with just like my dry queen cash and was like, so what did you do because I don't want braces now. I always was insecure. You have a great teeth. I take my, my teeth are fine, but did you have braces? No, I didn't have braces, but I had so many different issues. They're not, but they, but they're, they're fine. It's a facade. I was a lot more when my teeth were bigger on my face, when I was smaller, my teeth were the same size. Oh, right. You know, even when you're like a teenager, yeah. But now my teeth are like more blended into my face. But as a kid, it was, I was really insecure because it was, I grew up in an era two where you were hearing a lot about braces that people were getting them willing, Ellie, whether they needed them or not. Kids just got to have braces, right. And so I thought it was a status symbol to have braces. It kind of is. Yeah. They're not inexpensive. No. So we thought it was kind of a status symbol when you saw somebody on the bus with braces. It's also a status symbol to be an adult with straight teeth because you got to have braces. No, exactly. So you fixed your, you had bad, like, what happened to your teeth? Mine were, I mean, I thought mine were okay, but then you go to the dentist and of course, I didn't go to the dentist through college. Yeah. No, no, no. I was cross-dressing, you know, I don't have fucking money to go with a fucking teeth. But I will tell you this, every teeth problem is cheaper to prevent than it is to fix. If I can just tell everyone here listening today, obviously you should just go see Robbie and tune into her special. But if you could floss today, it'll save you a fucking tooth pull tomorrow. That's sad. I'm also on tour, 15 new shows added. I think we're already, we've been on sale for two days and we already are, you know, by the grace of God and all of you. So, you know, these are the only, by the way, I don't want to hear, oh, you're going there, but you're not coming. Those are the 15 shows that I can do and that's a lot of shows for me. So those are the ones. So get the tickets. while you can and want and those are the shows. I can't go everywhere, all at once, everywhere, and I'm not running myself for Agot. I like a leisurely tour. I get eight cities on this one, and we're gonna do 15 of that's it. You're not gonna see me every night somewhere else. - That's amazing. - You're not gonna see me. - When I was younger, I would do like 100 city tours, and now I'm like-- - No, no, no, no, no. I am not running for Agot on a 100 city tour. I'm happily married. I like to see my wife. I act in things, I write. I have other things to do. - Yeah. - I have a very 360 life. And I have to, you know, I like to toggle between different things. It's amazing that you did drag coming from where you were coming because it does remind me of like my, like I always think that style comes from the poor. Style and fashion are very different because style is like you. Style is like you don't maybe have the things, but it's like how do you swag out? And you have to learn to do that with a lot less. Just like you were saying the mobile homes become trendy, you have these fucking tiny houses when you're, you know, pissing in a pot. The same thing with the vintage. You know, we grew up close shopping at the Goodwill or Salvation Army and the Lodge developer value village. And it's like, it was so embarrassing as a kid. - It was not ever cool. - It was-- - You buy a thrifted item when I was even a teenager. - No, it was horrible. - It was like you smell. - Even if you had a hand me down that your mom bought new. - Yeah. - You were embarrassed of it. And now I really believe it's like, while I'm just doing homeschooling because I'm reselling clothes online, I make a fortune. reselling clothes online, that's what Goodwill does. - That's literally goodwill. So it was so embarrassing every aspect and now it's of course embraced and whatever we have to be there first. Like my sister would go to high school in a fur. Let me show you her high school picture because she almost wasn't able to get, they were like, no, you can't wear a lipstick. She was poor. - She was poor. - And she's like, I'm not taking the fucking picture. - How old is she? - My sister now, she's-- - In the lipstick photo. - No, she's like 16. - No, I mean, I think that's okay. - No, but it's in school. - They're missing lipsticks in her garden with red lipstick on. - I know, but she was, you know, it was like religious and viral. - What's wrong with lipstick? - No, it's insane. It's insane. - You can be religious somewhere lipstick. In fact, the more religious you are in my experience, sometimes the more makeup you see. - I don't, for whatever reason, they wouldn't, but this is her. She's like, I won't take the picture like fine. Get the picture. - Let me see. - Is that style? - Oh, is that style? - She's very pretty. You better work, bitch. This is so-- - She doesn't give a fuck. - And it gives that. - You gotta give it to the camera. Let's get a-- - Can you guys believe? - Has anyone-- - Has anyone? - Has anyone-- - And you know what? She did need that lip. It's actually great. - She's giving, like, Genzi has no job because of mental health. - Yeah, she just was like, I don't even wanna be in this fucking, in this photo. - She just-- - If I can't be me. And-- - She does copy for a skin care company remotely. - Yeah, she was smoking sigs and, you know, I remember she got in trouble because they said, oh, she vandalized the building. My mother was crying. (crying) My mother was like on the floor crying that we're gonna have to pay in the police and she vandalized the whole school and she tagged her name. And it was like small Jewish religious school. And my mother was like, well, how do you know it's hard? How do you know she did it? And my mother takes the bus to the school with her. She's dragging her and she goes, you know, and they get to the building of the school and she says, "Caya, huge." - What does that mean? - Which is her name. - Oh. - So it's like a very unique name and it literally just says "Caya." - It's the other hire. - She was one, yeah, she was one of these people where it's like style and personality and just herself was going to push through all of it. It's like you have nothing else but you. You're at the goodwill, but you wanna look swagged out. She picked up the fur for $12 and she wore that fur to school. - You put it on her. - She bought a cigarette long thing and that's how she smoked her siggas 14 years old. - She just-- - If I had a child smoking at 14, do you know that I would go, if I ever had a kid, it would have to be all behaved because I would not know how to handle. I was not a rule breaker, I wasn't a smoker. If I had a kid who was like, I was called a smoker, I would go nuclear. I'd be like, do you wanna live in a crate in a field? I would be, I don't know what I would do. - She's so successful now, my sister. You don't have to worry. - Good, great. You guys go see Robbie. I just-- - What, you don't have to worry. - You're so wonderful. - I love you. - I love you. - Thank you. I really love you. - I really love you. - And you know what, I really appreciate your emotional-- - I'm invested in you. - Coddling, you're just emotional support at the Emmys and in one of my darkest moments and I appreciate you having me on. I'm Robbie off on Instagram. I'll see you on tour and check out the special. Thank you so fucking much. - Ooh. (upbeat music) (upbeat music)