Rob Riggle & the Courage Walk

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A lot of pictures of naked Bobby. Yeah. Lots of that. Yeah. We actually took down a couple of the naked Bobby pics. Oh, we had some more. Yeah, we had a lot. It was very distracting for guests. We had his father's ashes somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. Is it the bottom half, top half? I think Bobby had. Bottom half. Bottom half. Yeah. He wants to control in case his father lost it. He doesn't want to be haunted by the top half. Oh, yeah. Top half, yeah. Yeah. Okay. This is all normal stuff. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Where are his dad's ashes? He probably lost it. Yeah, he lost it. Wow. I think they're out there. Where are your dad's ashes? We're trying to find them. Where did your papa's ashes go? Oh, I love that board. You have autism? What's going on? That's good. That's the board. Wow. Projection much? Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, man. Listen to that. Rico. Rico. He's been in movies. Hangover. Step brother. 21 Jump Street. 21 Jump Street. Cop out. What? I didn't say that one. What? It's Jaime. That was Jaime. Oh, let's be cops. Wait, you did cop? Let's be cops. Let's be cops. Cop out. I think, wasn't that Burt Reynolds or something? Cops, the reality show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bad boy. Jaime, don't make up credits. Let's be cops. I know, but you said cop out during the song. Cop out. That was the one with the little kid and like Burt Reynolds, wasn't it? I don't know, dude. I'm not that old. I'm only 54. You're 55. It was unwatchable. It was? I believe. Yeah, yeah. No offense to cop out. Oh, cop out. Oh, no, that was a different one. Okay. Yeah. Bruce Willis. Yeah, that's Bruce Willis. Jaime. Yeah. Anyway, guys, give Rob a round of applause. Yeah. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I've never done that. We've never done hey, hey, hey. It's Rob Bigelow. Oh, yeah, yeah. Let's do it again. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Okay, that's good. That's good. Rob. God, what a handsome man. I love it. You love being handsome? I want to be. This is how I should be treated. Everywhere I go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just song and dance. Do you think you're handsome? No. Yeah. I got a lopsided head. I think I came out of my mom in a rush. Yeah. Or the doctor pulled too hard because my face slid. Oh. So, like, one side's higher than the other. It haunts me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I see your profile, please? Whoa. You could be a president. He could be a president. What about this side? Yeah. Oh, no. One of. Yeah, it's Dr. Heckle. Mr. Hyde. There it is. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's split, but it's like two faces. You're Harvey Dent. Harvey Dent. I see some people that have, like, that perfect symmetry. Oh. You know, the perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Glenn Powell? Yeah, Glenn Powell. What about me? Most of your beautiful people have perfect symmetry. I ain't got it. What about me? You got good symmetry. Yeah, I would say you're pretty symmetrical. Yeah, you got good symmetry. But could I be a president? Yes. Yeah. Wait. Well, not from this country. Obviously. Hello, everybody. I'm your president. Yeah, that's Kim Jong-un. Yeah. Anyway, well, you look like a senator, actually. All right. Can you see him as a senator? Yeah. Have you played a senator? I played a representative once, so close. Congress. Congress, yeah, yeah, yeah. You look good in a suit, too. Yeah, well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. You don't think you do? I don't wear one, no. Do you look good? Do you think you look good? These are great questions. I did not see these coming. I did my preparation. No, it's last night. So, Rob, how'd it go? Ah, I fucked it up, man. He was hitting me with the suit question. I didn't prep for it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, your eyes. You know what? Can I just say something about your eyes? Lay it on me. Hit me. I'll hit you. Don't take offense. Oh, I love it. All right. Because I'm fond of you. Yeah, I get it. All right. So, when I create a character on, like, if I'm in an open world game, right, I always make them look like Rob. I make the eyes a little closer together. I don't know why I do that, but, like, that thing that says, you know what I mean, push it in, I always push it in. Because you have pushed in. Yeah. I'm obsessed with pushing. So, what he likes, he likes specifically half Asian girls that are a little cross-eyed. That's so specific. It is specific. I mean, that is really specific. I enjoy it. Yeah, I enjoy it. I took a human sexuality class in college. Teach me. No big deal. I don't want to brag. Yeah. But I do, the only thing I took away from college, basically, was every human being has a, what's called an attraction template. Attraction template. And it's all different for all of us. And in your attraction template, you like certain things. You don't even realize it. You don't even realize it until you really do some self-analysis and understand, like, whether it's blonde hair, blue eyes, or, you know, Asian or African American, whatever it is. Yeah. But you, and face structure, and, you know, whether it's a long face or a rounder face. I know what mine are. So, you, sounds like you're incredibly specific. I'm very specific. Yeah. So, but at least you know what your attraction template is. And the thing is, is whatever you, is the most attractive, that's the bullseye of this template. Oh, shit. And then you can go out from there. Wait, how does it, how is it formed? Like, what, what influence is it? Is it, like, things you watch? I know mine are. I think it's, I think it's your first exposure to, probably, like, television. Your mother. Yeah. Probably has an influence on it. Or your father has an influence on it. Because that's who you first start to interact with. Yeah. And then you move on to television stuff. And then you, it's one of those weird things where you, you just gravitate towards something. You don't know what it is. It's interesting because his mom is a little cross-eyed. What's up? What's up, Freud? What's up? So here, can I? So when he met me, a little cross-eyed, he was like ding, ding, ding. He was like, what's up, girl? Yeah, yeah. See? Oh, yeah. Yeah. She's got googly eyes. Not googly, but yeah. All right, so here's my thing. Can I just say something? Because I put the mic away because I didn't want to talk over you guys because I got so excited about it, you know? So may I talk? Yeah. Okay, thank you. Hi. Hi. Put it on the table. I will. I can take my time. All right. Yeah, yeah. There's two things, I think. Number one, you're right. My mom has the cross eyes. And so that's it. But here's another thing. To me, as a kid, my parents had round faces. And then I would look in the mirror and go, oh, my God, my face is a round. I don't like round. I mean, I like this style. You like more. Well, because I'm a big fan of Abraham Lincoln. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My favorite president. Like a lot of Scandinavians have angular faces. Yeah. Like the high cheekbones and the skinny chins. So I wanted to go opposite of my facial structure. Cross-eyed. What about the no titties? Like if Rob was a woman, I'd be like, oh, my God, he's hot. He's hot. Look at me now. Am I hot? I just got half hard, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about the no titties thing? Where does that come from? No, wait a minute. The no titties. I need breasts. No, you like kiwi, you said. You get very fast. No, they still have to be protruding out. What are you talking about? I don't want a flat chest. I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you wanted just nipples. The person I'm seeing now. What, like a teenage boy? No, no. Oh, teenage boy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, I like it protruding out, right? I just don't like big breasts. Okay. Like voluptuous. High-style projector. I've had them. Yeah. Ooh-la-la, me likey. Hey. You know what I mean? You know, it's like. But it's not real. What do you mean? They're real. I mean, they have boob lips. They put plastic in there, so. No, there's some women who are just chesty. No, I'm saying, okay, there's two types. Jaime, very good. Let's encourage Jaime because I feel like he's drowning a little bit. He's very nervous right now. He is very nervous right now, so. No, I'm not. I know he's trying to throw you in your thing. And so we want to encourage you. Yeah. So explain, please. What about? What? Like boobs? That is the topic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is the topic. Because he likes kiwi nipples, right? No, the whole breast is a kiwi. Not the nipple size. Not a kiwi nipple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's too small. So you want like perfect tits. No, we're trying to explain to you what you were talking about. I'm not opposed to that. So you like perfect tits, man? Perfect is subjective. Like what's perfect to you is not perfect for Bobby, basically. You're saying plastic versus real. Well, not plastic. It's whatever they put in those boob lips. But sometimes people are born with big breasts. Genetically. Genetically. I don't run into those people. Really? You haven't seen a real pair of naturals? No. Wow. The last two were fake. Whoa. Okay. Well, sorry. Because she'll like stay stiff and shit. What do you mean? Like she was jumping around. Like a 50s dance? Yeah. What's going on with the shoulder? What do you mean? She was doing the grasshopper? Yeah. Where were you? The hotel room. The 1920s? This is the weirdest strip club in town. It's like from the 50s. You also get a milkshake. That has a whole other meaning. With the human sexuality thing, does that also apply with like women's taste in men? Yes. Women have attraction templates as well. Are you sure? Because my attraction template is like confused. Okay. So Kalilah and I. We've dated, lived together for 10 years, dating. Okay. Right? Okay. So we start here, like cute Korean man. I'm 5'3". And what are the other types I've dated, Bobby? You've dated, oh my God. So the one that you're dating now, can I explain? Yeah, you can explain. He's 6'4". No, he's not. He's a little shorter than that. 6'2"? Yeah. Right. How much does he weigh though? 250. 250. So he's a linebacker. He's huge. I'll give you his comp. That's his comp. Okay. Right? Wow. So she went from, you know, I mean, minion. Yeah. To groove. A yellow little minion, right? To Jason Momoa. But I will say that like. Look at the difference. Sexually, like. Yeah, yeah. I don't. This is Kalilah's chart. That's her. Her traction template. That's her attraction template. Okay. That's you, you. You run the spectrum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then she's also. Also dated. Can I explain? Yeah. Rugby players, right? From Australia. Footy, yeah. What? Yeah. Yeah. The athlete. Athlete. Spanish professional soccer player. I have also dated a really short fat cholo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who was like my biggest like love. All right. You're, you're, you're confused. You're confused. You're all over the spectrum here. But some women. But there's nothing wrong with that. Some women look at the attraction template with the personality traits. That's big for me. That's a. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, but I think everybody in this room, like if you stopped and went, okay, there is a certain type that you gravitate towards or that you always, if you see them, you're going to do a double take. Oh, yeah. You know, and when you, even if, even if I don't know what it is, but you, you, you may see something, you're like, oh yeah, that's, I want to look at her or I want to look at him a little longer. That probably is a good indicator of who is in your, what your attraction to the other. I don't find where like you want to look at someone because they're obviously very, very attractive, but you like standardly attractive, but you don't feel like sexually attracted to them. Or is that just a woman thing? I think it's a woman. That's definitely a woman. I can look at someone and be like, wow, of course, like they're objectively attractive. I can objectively look at someone and say that person is beautiful. Yeah. And I can do that about guys. I can look at a guy and say that guy's handsome. Right. I can look at a guy and say, oh, my God, that's so beautiful. Do you feel, but yeah, if it's a beautiful woman, it's, it's very rare that I go, oh, isn't she just beautiful? And then go about my grocery shopping. Ooh, butter's on sale. Yeah. Oh, look, two for one. No, it's, there's usually another thought attached to it. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Can I just say something else real quick? What? I just realized I like the, okay, so I like the cross-eyed thing, right? But I also like the face. I like the fish thing. What's the fish thing? Like the, if, like if the, the Michael Shannon. Yes, he does. Yeah, yeah. If the, if the eyes are at the temples, right? Brandy, Brandy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, so you like them apart, but you said you liked them in. Yeah, I just don't like them when they're normal, the normal spacing. So you want some sort of variation. Variation of the eyes. Okay. For some reason. Eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eyes are a big deal for you. Yeah. Well, noses too. Noses too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What kind of noses do I like? Well, mine is pretty romantic. That's crazy for me. Yeah, so that, yeah, that I could do too. He's doing a double take. That's part of his attraction spectrum. Double take right there. Yeah. That's a double take. Yeah. For you, that's a double take. I have another thing. Okay. Can I just tell you about my templates? Yeah. Go ahead. So the nose is, I like your type of nose. Yeah, I'm Filipino, but this is not a Filipino nose. I know, but I don't like buttons. Come on, man. What? You have a good nose. Yeah, yeah, that I could. My girlfriend has the same nose. Yeah. All right. So I like, you know, Abraham Lincoln-y. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then also, can I just say this? Because since we're in this topic, Eric, am I too spazzy right now? A little bit, yeah. I know, because I just woke up and I downed a Red Bull. I can tell you downed a Red Bull. Because you go, Rob's here, and I just downed a Red Bull. And I ran down the stairs. And then I try to sit there and talk to him like, what are you doing? I've never seen you sit so proper in the green room before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm not fully awake yet, and I'm overcompensated. I'm going to have to drink some more. I swear to God. We were in the green room. And he was so polite and so nice, but also so formal. I was like, I'm doing the show, not interviewing. Like for a job interview. I've never seen him do that before. I've never done that before. Well, you're a gentleman. Okay, so collusion. Oh, God. Don't do more. DraftKings, DraftKings, DraftKings, when you want to have fun. And fun. Got big game show dreams? Yeah. DraftKings is making them a reality. 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three five four it's a miracle just before you started puberty did you used to pray for height yes yeah you you well how tall is your dad i used to pray for pubic hair oh no no i i was i was the late bloomer i was the last guy in my class to go through puberty yeah all my friends were like what's up big bones structure i mean they're turning into men and i was still a prepubescent boy yeah if you look forever and i was just serious i was like let me go through puberty and then it finally happened and it came crashing in 15 wow that's pretty late yeah so you know the good thing was i learned uh because i was very curious about all this and i was like why why is this happening to me why am i the last kid in this entire effing school to go through puberty last and they what i found was it meant that i was in a safe home can you say something yeah did you ever go through a growth spurt where you're like can i say what i'm gonna say yeah sorry after that i'm so hyperactive right now i'm just waiting yeah yeah but i don't want to be rude because we have a guest and a very important guest so can i in these times of openings right i need the opening yeah okay so thank you but i like to take my time all right so i'd like to be rushed what's going on today i feel like your brain's going i know what is going on i have so many thoughts yeah all right me too no rush okay you want to do go ahead go ahead bobby no hybie do yours do yours bobby okay thank you you know i'm the i'm the this is my you know i'm the host yeah no yeah okay but i can agree with him i can relate to him okay can they do your relation for a second well i did grow up in a safe home too so i didn't get proven until like 17 17 you didn't get pubes till 17 yeah oh that's that's super late because you now have the crown oh because that is super late and the first hairs were in your face right no the mustache yeah you got a mustache rocking and everything yeah yeah what's wrong that's awesome that's that's uh but that's late in the game so you had a very safe home that's good my turn my turn that's off to your lay down lay down bobby come on everybody's been cutting you off come on yeah yeah yeah so um you know the joke i have right but you saw the joke right so on my special i have a joke that i hadn't reached puberty i didn't reach puberty until i was 15 years old but my dad saw me naked at 14 so for a whole year he told any stranger that he i hadn't reached puberty yet so we'd be at the grocery store my dad was my son bobby no hair it's true yeah my dad would say it you know i mean the mailman hi mr lee bobby no hair i don't know he just would do it he would tell any stranger but now i'm going to give you the punch line yeah because it's going to be my special but when i say the punch line in the special it's fine don't give it away don't give it yeah i won't give it because i want to see this special yeah okay give it away you're not gonna see it but anyway i will but here's the thing i grew up in a hostile home so why is my puberty late i don't think it has anything to do with hostility just that you're late i don't think it has anything to do with hostility just that you're like asian like the hair growth is just unless you're filipino because filipinos like they're born with mustaches could i tell you why what i know that because i was on the wrestling team in high school poway high but our rivals panasquitas mount carmel was at the time 40 filipino yeah so the whole wrestling team and i remember dreading fight um playing mom carmel is because everyone we're kids yep all had full mustache yeah yeah so i wrestled in my and at high school 135 and 138 depending on what 98 105 okay yeah yeah so i the thing was though i was a terrible wrestler i didn't want to wrestle oh i broke my thumb playing football the last uh game of the season so i couldn't try out for basketball but in my high school if you wanted to play football you had to do three sports you had to do a sport every season so i was like what am i gonna do for winter and they're like you're a wrestler now so i went out there and i got my butt kicked ever are they tight i got tied in pretzels these kids have been doing club wrestling yeah you know and i remember i this is no joke i went to the mat one time at a meet and there was a from lawrence high school this kid was just i mean he had these delts that went up to his ears and he looked like from that movie um uh vision quest oh yeah he looked like the swede oh yeah yeah yeah and uh i was like i i literally said this as we got to the mat i looked to the ref and i go i think there's been a mistake i was like oh my god i think there's been a mistake i was like oh my god i think there's been a mistake yeah yeah i go i'm in the 135 and i think and he goes yeah yeah you're in the right place and and the guy the guy heard me say it and i was like i'm gonna murder you and of course he did oh wow he murdered me yeah so whoa oh see here's the thing that was my senior year i had gained weight by then yeah i'd gone through puberty but i wrestled dudes probably like you because it at the 98 105 sure you'll get someone small but then you'll get the super skinny white kids and you'll get the super skinny white kids and you'll get the super skinny white kids and you'll get the super skinny white kids and you'll get the super skinny white kids the string bean the string bean yeah who's still the weight yeah they were their worst to wrestle against well is it because they bent in every direction they bent in the direction so you could almost have them in a in a pin but they would arch their back in the weirdest way possible yeah or you you put them in a like a leg lock and you're on top of them right and you i remember being too high above how do you find you are so good on the internet how is this crap on the internet he's the best man what year was this god what was this why are you on the ground well let me guess 89. uh 88 88 89 yeah yeah because you're you're older um that is i was on the the pyramid the human pyramid is from the high school radio station and then the television station i'm holding the video camera yeah uh and then the rest is just dork pictures and you say you're a senior what's that yeah you're a senior yeah wow they don't look like this no more they look like okay okay okay tell me tell me what you're i love your insights tell me what they used to look like and what they look like now thank you this looks like us hey you're 18 right i assume uh-huh 17. he looks like a grown man a man but kids nowadays they don't look like this freshmen they're like like short like five five three and uh look do you think that it's because i do that's me doing improv i like it you're in high school that is what you're saying you're looking good man tennis team yeah you're a little athlete yeah uh filipino because i went to like go to the the other photo i went through a filipino stage well you just we all as we all do as you all do rob there's always a year you have to do it you ever go through a filipino stage i yes now that you mention it yes yeah yeah yeah but um do you hear are you familiar with that story of the filipino little league team that like won the world little league championships and they were all like 30 year old men they all tricked them they were like you know i kind of believe that i feel like i feel like the filipinos are they stay young forever it feels like yeah yeah so they have this wonderful gene where they stay they look young forever but we yeah we conned the system and we won so shout out philippines wait did they get the trophy was taken away right yeah yeah eventually when they found out yeah this is the team 1992. yeah um this is supposed to be like those are 30 year olds no they're like supposed to be between like the ages of of 13 16 and 16? Yeah, yeah. And these are all probably like 18, 20-year-olds. No, I think some of them were well into their 20s, Gil. That's insane. That's wild. I think it's credible. That's crazy. I want to do a comedy about this exact story. Actually, that would be a version of the Bad News Bears, but with these guys. And all 30 of them are smoking and drinking at the clubs. He's a machinist. Yeah. And the coach approaches him. You look 14, right? Rob wriggles. Rob's the coach of the Filipino team. Please, please. He's going to play that guy? Please let me do the manager. Rob, you're going to play that guy. Yeah. All right. The guy with his hands in his pocket? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy's shady. Look at him. He does other things on the side. So many other things on the side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a black market pineapple dealer. He's also a private investigator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He also is a kindergarten school teacher. Wow. That's amazing. The Philippines are rising. We've always been. Yeah. I mean by that. Congratulations. I think you guys are rising. No. We're going through a revolution. Really bad time right now. What the fuck are you talking about? I just feel like they're just in my mind a lot. You feel like the Filipino people are ascending? Yes, that is true. Okay. I think that there's a show. There's a show. Have I talked about Physical 100? Yes, yes. Yeah, but Physical Asia. It's on Netflix. You have to watch it, Rob. All right. It's a competition show. I got to add that to the list, though. Well, what have you been seeing lately that you like? I don't know. This is the thing. It's changing so fast. Yeah. I sit down. My girlfriend's like, you got to watch this. You got to watch this. And then friends tell me, have you seen this yet? Have you seen this? I'm going to throw some things at you that people are thinking. Oh, Peripheral. I just started watching Peripheral. Peripheral. What's that? It's actually, it's kind of a sci-fi. Pluribus? Cool. Is that the one on Apple? Pluribus? No, I think it's on Amazon. Okay. I don't want to, sorry if I'm wrong here, but it's called Peripheral, and I'm enjoying it. I got to say, I'm like three episodes in. I'm like, okay. Okay. All right. You got me. All right. So. Have you seen Pluribus? There it is. That's the one. Oh. Okay. No. Look up Pluribus. Wait, like E. Elbrun Perpuribus or whatever? What's that thing on the dollar bill? You know what I'm talking about? Underneath the, around the. This one. Is this good, Bobby? I've seen it twice. The first one. The first two episodes. It's. I'd say it's the best pilot in a long time. Yeah, yeah. It's, it's the Breaking Bad people. It's. Oh, I like it already. It's really good. Vince Gilligan. I like it. See, that's the thing. It's like the television's gotten so good. Yes. It's gotten so good. There's so many great series. Yeah. I really, I sincerely can't keep up. Yeah, me either. Like, I haven't seen Task. I was like, oh, it's Task. I never saw that. I'm so proud of that. And I saw the rabbit one with, what's that one on Netflix with Jason Bateman? Oh, Black. Black Rabbit. Oh. I heard that's amazing. Yeah, I heard that's amazing. I never saw it. Yeah, I haven't seen it yet. How about movies? Did you see Predator Badlands? No. Okay. I haven't seen, I haven't seen Jack Squat. And especially in the fall. It's a good movie, Jack Squat. Yeah. Part two is great. Yeah. Jack Squat's about a young man who hasn't gone through puberty. In the fall, I only have time, literally, for sports. What do you mean? I'm talking football. College football, professional football, October baseball, basketball started, hockey's in full swing. It's just, if I sit, if I have time to sit down, I generally take in some sort of game. And then, by the time I get to entertainment, I'm so fucking old. Yeah. I'm so fucking old that within 30 minutes, I'm asleep. I'm asleep. Yeah. And it's embarrassing as shit, because then the next day, I have to start over. I watch the same 30 minutes of every show, and then I'm asleep. And then, I'm asleep. Yeah. So, I got a start earlier. We're in our 50s now. It cuts like a knife. It cuts like a fucking butter knife, man. Yeah. I don't want to get specific with the knife, but my point is this, all right? Like, see this right here? Yeah. Yeah. My left ear hurts. Really? Just by doing this? Raising your arm. Just by doing that? Just by doing this. It's a circulation problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It is? Yeah. Okay. Well, can I? I can't tell if that's real or not. No, no. It is. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, different movements hurt different parts of the body. Yeah. Well, I was telling you in the green room. Yeah. I was in New York last week, and I stepped off the curb and pulled something in my hip right here. This little hip flexor right here. Yeah. And the rest of the day, I could barely get around the city. Yeah. I was limping like I'd been shot. You hear a click, and you know your day's ruined. Yeah. I'm like, well, that's over. And then it's a matter of, and then it's pain management, and how long is it going to last? Yeah. Because it's not a real injury. It's just something you pulled or tweaked, and so then you're like, I guess I'm going to live with this for three or four days? Yeah. It's fucking terrible. I mean, so you're not there yet. Oh, my body is destroyed. I just had a baby. Oh, right. It's from top to bottom, destroyed, and Bell's palsy. Yeah. Yeah. It's all fucked. Yeah. But the penis. You had the Bells? Yeah. Did you have the Bells? No, my mom did. Oh. And I remember, I felt so bad for her. Did it go away completely for her? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it went away. There you go. Mine's not. I know, but it's a thing, and it sucks, so I'm sorry. Thank you. Yeah, it sucks. But it goes away eventually, no? It does. It's the weirdest disease or ailment, because it hits like a thunderbolt, and then it lingers, and then, like Kaiser Sose. Whoa. Kaiser Sose. Kaiser Sose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What movie is that from? Huh? Kaiser Sose. I like the huh. That's a good stall. That's a good stall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, try it. You got this. The Karate Kid? Yeah. Yeah. That was Pat Morita's nickname. Kaiser Sose. Sensei Kaiser Sose. Daniel Son. Daniel Son. Yes, Kaiser Sose. Yeah, very good. Yeah, yeah. I wake up with back problems, too. Yeah. Okay, can we go back to Kaiser Sose? I think that was a good deflection. I'm going to go this way. It was so good, though. What I loved, Jaime, was the. That's a quote. Quality mail stall tactic. Huh? Yeah. Yes. Huh? Yeah. Huh? Huh? Yeah, yeah. And then that buys you an E because they have to repeat it and it gives you. Yeah, that's just. What about what? Yeah. What's better? What or huh? Huh? What's dangerous, though, if you have a partner? All right, so ask me something that I don't know. Go ahead. Have you seen my purse? What? You did it pleasantly. You do it especially like a child. What do you mean? You did it like a minion. Ask a more serious question. You were so sweet. So I'm seeing my purse and you went. Okay. I have to be doing. Wait, I have to be doing something. Okay. I have to be doing something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're reading a cookbook. Okay, here we go. No, not a cookbook. This is. I'm reading. The Bible. No, no. I don't want. Can I choose my own. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. Sun also rises. Yeah. Sun also rises by the way. Oh, wow. Hemingway. Wow. Oh, my God. Heavy lifting. Did you go wash those dishes like I asked? What? Oh. That's so soft serve. You gave it. That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. I'm trying to equate the what to the huh. All right, let me do it. Oh, yeah, yeah. What are you reading now? This is. Bobby. For who the bell tolls. Good. Good choice. Okay, I got the question. Yeah, yeah. Happy anniversary? Huh? That's what it is. That's what it is. That's crazy to say the happy anniversary. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. My wife. That hurt my feelings. Yeah. Oh, I thought the exercise was not to hurt their feelings. No, it's to stall for time. I know, but. I know, but that time that you stalled for. But now when I went. You fucked it up. When I went aggressive, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? By doing that. Argument. Now she's on her heels going, what the fuck? Is it. What was the anniversary question? What was it? Just happy anniversary. Yeah, happy anniversary. I said happy. And then when I. Then, now she's on her heels and I get time to think. And I go, oh, yeah, honey, happy anniversary. I was planning something special. I don't want to give away the surprise, but I was planning something special. You want me to tell you now? And then she goes, no, keep the surprise. Oh, it's genius. And then you scramble like a madman to get something planned quick. Yeah. Oh, I see. Have you done that before? Oh, please. Oh, yeah. I know. I was seeing a girl, right? And for like six months she was dropping what she wanted and completely forgot. Oh, yeah. I went, right? And then, so I'll just tell you what it was. It was these specific books, but like antique-y. Okay. You can't just go to Barnes and Nobles. Right, so these are like special. Specialty books. Like, are we talking like ancient books? Old books? No, they're not. What do you mean? Like the Dead Sea Scrolls? No, but like a hundred-year-old book that's leather-bound. No, like think about a beloved series, but just a very special edition. Hardcover special edition. Like an Easton Press type book? Yeah, I don't know. Like a grit. Shout out to Easton Press and great books. Like a grit spit never quit? I know. Oh! I know. We're not there yet? Oh. But that was a great segue. I know. It was a great segue. It's on the shot. Okay. And we're going to talk very in detail about it. Do you want to do it now? No. It's your show, man. I'm following your lead. You're the guest. I'll do whatever you want to do. I'll follow your lead. Okay. Okay, well. It was a teaser. It was just a teaser. Yeah. Very good. He's just whetting the appetite. I like that a lot. I like that a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't even know what I was saying. The books. The books for the girl. Books for the girl. Six months. Oh, yeah. I still don't know. She was dropping hits on Anniversary. Yeah, I know what it is. And so, two, like, three days, then I find out, and I'm like, oh, my God, right? And you're just calling bookstores and, like, you know. Antique stores. No, not antique stores, actually. You said antique books. No, but she just explained, like, limited edition, so they could be brand new. Yeah. Yeah, some know. It's okay, Jaime. I understand where you were going with this. It's a logical leap. I get it. I get it. So, yeah. Did you get the books? Yeah, I got them. Oh, okay. But then you're like, you know, first day delivery stuff, you know what I mean? So you have to pay extra, which is fine, you know what I mean? Yeah. But, you know, I finally got it to her. Nice. And then one of them, I go, I ordered it, but, you know, there's some sort of delay, you know what I mean? So then, but I lied. Now she can hear it, but I don't care. But a week, so then a week later, they finally came. But anyway, yeah. I don't even know why we got into that. Have you ever said, hey, what do you want for your birthday? Or what do you want for Christmas? Or what do you want for whatever? And they hit you with something that's a little too pricey? Oh, yeah. And you go, oh, that's awesome. That's cool. Anything else? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. That's happened to you? Yeah. Oh, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I mean, you just get pinched with, you get pinched with like watch requests or things that I'm like, I'm like, God damn. That's a Bobby. I wouldn't even buy that for myself. Yeah. That's Bobby to a T. If you ask him what he wants, he will tell you exactly what he wants. And it's so expensive. But you've done it. I have done it. But with tears in my eyes. Yeah, yeah. I guess, why not shoot for the works? I'm still paying for it in after pay. No, no, no. Rob, Rob, don't ask then. Don't ask. Because if you ask, you shall receive. Okay. All right. Yeah. So what I'm saying is, is that if you're asking me specifically, what do you want? I'm going to tell you what I want. I need to take a lesson. I do need to take a lesson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I've got this Midwest thing where, you know, someone said, hey, you know, if my girlfriend has said, what do you want for your birthday or whatever? I go, honey, whatever. I don't need anything. I'm good. Whatever you want. I trust you. It's whatever you give me is going to be great. That would literally be my answer. But I need to start advocating. I need to start advocating for myself. And so I want a motherfucking Rolex now. Not later. Yeah. Yeah. But now, what you did wrong there. Okay. May I teach you? Please. Lay it down. You taught me so many things. Yeah. This pod. A pod. Attraction. But anyway, I know what you call it, but. Attraction template. Whatever. So I want to give you a little advice, okay? Lay it down. I'm going to show it right here in front of you guys. And it holds up to 12 cards plus cash. Damn. Over 50 plus color. And styles to choose from. You can even get a wallet that features every NFL, MLB, or college team. Perfect for holiday gifting, especially since Ridge is having their biggest sale of the year right now. Plus, all Ridge wallets have a new industry-leading built-for-life warranty. So if your wallet is lost or stolen, they've got you covered. Does it give you peace of mind knowing that all Ridge wallets have RFID-blocking technology, keeping you safe from digital pickpocketers? I'm telling you. 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That's Ridge.com for up to 47% off your order during the biggest sale of the year. After your purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them that Tiger Belly sent you. Because Jaime's going to have fabulous things to say about it. Yeah. Eb Ocean Club. Not only have we restocked, but it's Black Friday at Eb Ocean Club. Our biggest sale of the year. Everything is 30% off. From our superstar detangler that I don't leave the house without, the deep treatment mask that has literally, quite literally saved my postpartum hair, and of course, our shampoo and conditioner duo that I panic when I run out of. It is reef-safe, ocean-inspired hair care that gives you all the shine, all the effortlessly good hair. Without all of the nasties. Use code GOODHAIR30 at eboceanclub.com for 30% off. GOODHAIR30 at eboceanclub.com. And find us on Instagram at eboceanclub. So, I want to give you a little advice, okay? Lay it down. It's, um. Oh, fuck it. What was my advice? Oh, yeah. I know what it is. I know what it is. It's like, um. If they ask you, right, what I want. I still don't go, like, because I still look at their, you know what I mean, finances. So, if Jaime asks me what I want, in my mind. Not that you're not. Jaime, ask him. Just see what happens. What do you want for Christmas? A bag of Doritos. Huh? Oh, huh. He don't. He's stalling? Yeah, yeah. Stalling, stalling. Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, you know, I don't think that he can afford, you know what I mean, the things that she could probably afford. I understand. A bag of Doritos, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you, you know what I mean, if it's, like, Santino, for instance. Okay. Right? Yeah. He's so afraid to ask me because he knows he has to get it for me. And I know what he can afford. Right. So, it's, like, higher. So, you've got to put that in the equation. All right. Right? So, let's say I'm your. Anyway. I don't want to do another scene, but anyway. But do you understand what I'm saying? I do. Yeah, that has to be in it. You have to gauge who you're talking to. Yeah. So, when you're. You know, somebody that you're seeing, a girlfriend or whatever, and you ask them, right, what they. They're probably looking at, oh, it's Ron Riggle. So, I can go highball. Oh, but. No, if you know me, you know you can't go highball. What do you mean? People always think there's a lot of cheddar. There's not. Yeah, because you have kids and, you know what I mean, you have a mortgage and all these things. Yeah, there's not that much. Not that much walking around. Yeah. I mean, I'm single. Kind of. So, you know, I am single. I don't know what I am, but. Whoa. You're in limbo. I'm in limbo. Yeah. He's confused. But I hear what you're saying. I do hear what you're saying. What'd you say? Right? What'd you say? He's going the wrong way, right? I didn't say that. Huh? Huh? Now do it, huh? Huh? What? Confused, right? Why are you looking at me? Why are you asking affirmation from everyone? Somebody said confused out there one time. So. Yeah, you said it. Somebody said confused. Yeah. You said it, dude. That was 45 seconds ago. That was you. Just back it up a couple seconds. Confused. You just said it. Yeah. What do you mean by confused? Because you don't know what relationship you're in right now, right? Or. Yeah. Situationship. Yeah. Very good. That's all I want. That's a little explanation. Limbo. Limbo's good. Yeah. You said limbo. No, I said limbo. She said limbo. Yeah. And he agreed with limbo. And then you said confused. And he does not agree with that. Isn't limbo and confused the same thing? No. No. It's like the death, right? Confused is confused. When you're dead, you're in limbo. You don't know what you want to do. Limbo is when you're almost paralyzed. You're frozen. Yeah. In between. Is that how I would break it down? You're in the gray space. Well, because South Park, they had an episode. Okay. Anyway. Break it down for me. Rob wants to hear this. So in South Park, there's an episode. There's an episode where Michael Jackson is in limbo, and he doesn't want to go to heaven or. Oh, that's like purgatory. That's purgatory. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's in limbo. He's suspended in limbo, meaning he's not coming or going. Oh, yeah. Kind of limbo, like the indecision. Yeah. But purgatory is in between heaven and hell. Okay. Yeah. Would you like to be in purgatory? No, because I'll just accept that I'm dead, right? Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to lingo. You'd be like that angry. You're not going to lingo? You'd be like that angry spirit in the movie Ghost. Oh, yeah. Who taught Patrick Swayze how to flick a coin, you know? Ah. The angry guy who's. I love your references. Yeah, he goes. They pushed me in front of the train. Clearly, he jumped. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's the legend. If you commit suicide, you're stuck in purgatory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that the word on the street? It is the word on the street. You have really good movie references. I think you and I. I keep it really fresh and young. Because I do references about like. He does the same thing. Yeah, I do the same thing. You know, in Yo Himbo. Of course. Go on. In the 12 Anger Man. Yeah, like my references are so dated. I should jack it up, right? You know, in the movie Prey. That's better. Is that too old even? But I think the older the movie, the more people will generally understand. Because there weren't not as many like hits back then. Like you had time in between great movies. Now it's like there's just too much. It's too obscure. Right. Prey would be like, what? Well, you also went to the movie theater. Exactly. I feel like it doesn't anymore. I think all the great. There's a lot of great movies, but it's all. You're watching it at home. The shared experience of watching movies is kind of gone. But Predator's Badlands, I went to the theater. I went to watch it too. What'd you think? I don't know. Oh, he's in limbo. Really? He's in limbo. You're in limbo? Yeah, I don't know. Purgatory limbo. I don't know. What do you think? Honestly. I think you're in purgatory. Oh, the movie. Because it's always the same concept. No, that's absolutely. I didn't expect that. Okay, that's absolutely not true. You don't think so? No, no. The son is always. There's always a winkling. And he's got to prove to his dad. I think it's a trope, but I just think that here's. You're watching it. What's the. How many Predator movies have you seen? I'm not that deep into Predator. Do you see the original? Yes. Okay. That's the only one? Pretty much. Okay. And it was probably in the theater like a long time ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember the concept of the movie? Yeah, of course. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah. I like when he rips spinal cords out. Exactly. Love that. Very good. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm going to. Not that I'm that deep into the lore of Predator, but I've seen a lot of the movies. So generally, the movies, you don't know much about, you know what I mean, the yookja. You see the movie? Not yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Predator. Yeah. You don't know much about them. It's basically, you know what I mean, people being chased by the thing. Right. And you know all the things. And he's a really good hunter. Great hunter. Yeah. It's in the culture. Right. Right. The cloaking. Yeah. And he comes to Earth to hunt. It's his hunting ground. And he enjoys it. He's got stealth mode. Yeah. And he's a pretty bad dude. So I'm going to give you some suggestions, if I may. Lay it down. I've got to keep a list. Before this. Right. So Prey, it was a movie. I think it's on Amazon. No, it's on Hulu. Hulu. Yeah. And it's when the Predators first came to Earth. So it's native kids fighting the Predator, which is amazing. It's so good. It's so good. And it's the same director. Oh. Predator Badlands. Yeah. Right. Trachtenberg, right? Is his name? Dan Trachtenberg? Trachtenberg. Yeah. This guy is an incredible director. Right. So he did the movie called Prey. I would highly recommend you watch it. So the Predators come back. Yeah. And they're hunting like native, meaning like Native American, like Indian. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. American Native people. American Native. Yeah. I don't even know. Call them in prehistoric times. Is it prehistoric? Is it set in prehistoric times? No, no, no. I'm talking about. It's a prequel. It's a prequel. So it's like 1700, 1800. It's old, old. It's pretty old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And so great movie. Okay. But Predator Badlands is from the perspective of them. Okay. So he's the anti, I don't even call anti-hero. He's the hero. Protagonist. Protagonist. Right? And so it shows his relationship with his family. Yeah. Right? Oh. What? That's interesting. It's interesting. And he has to do something for his family to get back into the family. Right. It's pretty much the premise of the movie. That's cool. Yeah, yeah. And it's really cool because you don't know the culture of them. You don't know the family dynamics. You never knew in the past, right? And you get insight into why they are the way they are, I think. Is there any dialogue? There is. Yes. How's it working? The Yukja speak. There it is. Yeah, that's the language. And there's always. I forget. It's like a drunk Klingon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You Star Trek fan? I mean, I don't say no. But you never say yes. I say yes. I say yes. Okay. So yeah, the Yukja. And then Ellie Fanning plays an android. From a big corporation from Earth. And it's an adventure between this little Yukja predator. He's actually pretty big. But in his family, he's the smallest. He's the runt. Okay. And this android who's split in half. And they run into another creature that follows them around. I think it's a really, really good movie. Good. I can't wait to see it. You're turning me on to it. Yeah. Did I just convince you that it was good? I didn't say it was bad. You had a tone, Jaime. Oh, no. Thank you. Thank you. No, you can make fun of him. No. Yes, you can. No, I can't. No, you can't. You just gotta learn this guy. I didn't say, like, I liked it. I enjoyed it. Yeah. It was fun. It was fun. Yeah. Especially that little creature. Yeah. That's what I just said. That was a comic. Well, you know, sometimes, as of recently, I have not, and when I say recently, I mean like the last 10 years, I haven't really dove into sci-fi or anything. I've been more focused on, like, dramatic. War movies. And comedic. Oh, comedic. Those are the two things that I really love. But watching this peripheral stuff kind of lit my fuse again on the sci-fi thing, if it's somewhat grounded. And your pitch just now on Predator kind of whetted my eyes. It just whetted my appetite for it. So I might have to check it out. Yeah. Well, it's not grounded in any kind of reality. What? What I'm saying. You lost it. What I'm saying, it still has, you know what I mean? Fuck it. Fuck it. These devices that are very sci-fi. These. Okay. See, you can't watch, like, if there was a movie about Klingons, you know what I mean? I could totally. I could totally. You could do it. Yeah. Yeah. I enjoy that. Yeah. Yeah. I enjoy the adventure of it. Yeah. I need a good one. Mm. Bad ones are really hard to watch. Oh, yeah. Of course they are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The bad. Yes, Jaime? Nothing. I was just burping. Oh, okay. You don't have to reveal that. That's crazy. All right. So you wrote a book. Hey. Can I grab the book? Yeah, I did. Ooh. Ooh. Nice catch. Rob Riggle, Grit, Spit, and Never Quit. I love that cover. A Marine's Guide to Comedy and Life. So this is a life story. This is a memoir. A memoir, I mean. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's you in the military. Yeah. Looks good. As a Marine. I was sailing to Liberia. My God. To evacuate the embassy there. Oh, damn. Wow. May I ask you a question about it? Yes. At that time, how old are you? That, I am 25. 25. Whoa. Were you doing any sort of comedy then? None. No comedy? None. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just knew I loved it. You loved comedy. I was a fan of comedy. And did any of your comrades, is that what you call them? Yeah. Marines. Yeah. Fellow Marines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Comrades are very communistic. Oh, communists are very communistic. Yeah. I lean communists. Go Zoran. But anyway. But anyway, so any of your comrades, did they ever go, hey, Rob, you should do comedy? Yeah. A couple of them did. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I, you know what it's like when you're in a family. A friend group, you know, you crack wise, you have fun, you do impersonations, you do bits, you do things. Yeah. And yeah, people would say, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're funny. You ought to do that. Wow. And so at any point in this Marine journey, you know, did you, in your mind, you were like, I'm going to do it one day? Or was that all you do know? Yeah. So it's weird is, so I was, when I was in college, I was a theater and film major. And I, I, I, I was a fan of comedy. I just loved it. I could quote almost every comedy from the eighties chapter and verse movie was, you know, um, what's that young Frankenstein? Do you like that movie? Oh my God. It's like one of the best. It's one of the best. Um, but also all the comedies from the eighties stripes, uh, loved them. Meatballs. Oh my God. Um, ghostbusters, three amigos. I mean, just go down the list of all the great comedies from the eighties and nineties. And I loved them all, but, um, I just didn't think it was real. I just didn't think it was like tangible. Yeah. I was like, I was, I went to the university of Kansas. I'm a kid from the Midwest. I knew nobody in show business. I didn't even know what to begin. I just knew what I liked. Right. Yeah. I remember when I was a kid, I saw Eddie Murphy delirious and thought it was one of the greatest things I ever saw. Right. And I was like the next day at school, I was quoting it, you know, for the other kids in the class. And I just loved that. I've seen anything like it back then. Right. And so I, but I didn't know, there was no link to how to get there. And so, uh, when I graduated college, I had my pilot's license. And I, and, uh, so I, I got a guaranteed flight contract with the Marine Corps and I thought, well, as a theater film major, I'm going to be a waiter or I'm going to be top gun. I thought top gun sounded better. Yeah. So that's what I did. I went to a flight school and, and, uh, was working my way through it. But when I realized, um, once I pinned my wings on, uh, they got me for eight years from the time you pin them on. So I would have been in for almost two and a half years at that point. It would have been 10 and a half years. I'm in, I would only have nine years. more years to retirement. So then I was like shit i might as well stay i wouldn't be getting out is what i'm saying wow so then i said well i think there was something inside me i had a friend of mine who went to chicago and was doing stuff at um at the improv olympic and second city up there and he was like rick oh this is what we did in college he goes uh it's called improv it has a name and and you're better at it than most of these people i'm telling you should do this it's called it has a name yeah yeah to us it was just a big fuck around yeah yeah but it had a name it's called improv so so he he got in my ear at the right time and uh i remember i was i was down in flight school in corpus christi texas naval air station corpus christi texas and um i had just finished primary and intermediate and i got helicopters and i was going back to pensacola and i was going to start doing that and uh um i i decided that i if i switched to the ground side became a ground officer i would know longer have to that that long of a commitment and i could actually go move to chicago and study second city and and try this thing so i finally kind of got the cojones to do it i don't know why i had never been on stage i'd never done anything but i i went to the beach and i had a book i was reading and i wrote in the back of the book if i quit flight school it's got to count it's got to matter so what am i going to do so number one i wrote i'm going to get on saturday night live and that was in september of 94 and in september of 2004 almost to the day i got a call from lauren michaels asking me to join saturday night live so it was a long long time i mean and in that 10 years i had to get myself from corpus to to north carolina i had to go finish up my my time on the ground side north carolina i got to new york somehow um that's a whole nother story you can read about in the book then uh then i joined the ucb i tried stand-up first uh in new york and i fucking hated it i sucked it was terrible it was the most scary thing i've ever done in my life yeah you know and then found ucb and worked my way through that for about seven years and then i got uh a break the first job i ever got was saturday night live my god were you nervous terrified yeah yeah terrified i mean i was so green to show business i didn't know how anything worked yeah and i just assumed it was like the marines everybody's honest everybody does their job if they say they're going to do something they're going to do it you can count you know if somebody gives you the word it's going to happen i had a lot to learn yeah i mean a lot to learn when i got on mad tv yeah hey guys enjoy refreshing apple and sweet caramel comfort in every sip with a new caramel apple five-hour energy shot caramel apple five-hour energy shots delivers sweet and tart apple hits with a smooth buttery caramel coated finish dive into caramel apple flavors straight from the orchard for a sugar-free fall treat treat yourself to a crisp apple bite and smooth caramel delight with a caramel apple flavor caramel apple five-hour energy shot only available online for a limited time at fivehourenergy.com or amazon guess what fall is back which means all those sugary fall exclusive treats are too you want to get your flavor fixed without the sugar grab one of these delicious caramel apple five-hour energy shots i do it the leaves are out the pumpkins are out and guess what the caramel apple five-hour energy shots are out treat yourself to a crisp apple bite and smooth caramel delight with a caramel apple flavor Apple 5-Hour Energy Shot, only available online for a limited time at 5hourenergy.com or Amazon. 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Guys, if you're in the jungle, you can still open a store. Check out this tune. Oh, Shopify! Come on! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yo! Quote today. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. National average 12-month savings of $197 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between October 2024 and September 2025. At the end of the year, I found out. And I auditioned for Mad, too. Oh, did you really? Yeah, I did. It would have been amazing if you were on it. But I found out at the end of my first year, I cried over this. I found a tape of all my. They recorded all my table reads because I was so bad. And they would laugh about it behind my back. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah, yeah. That was my. And I was. It was bad. I couldn't. Well, we all are in the beginning. I couldn't even read. I was so nervous. I couldn't even get through a sentence without stuttering or fucking up a word. I remember one time a word was shitake. I said, shitake. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I mispronounced words at table reads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the worst. And I felt like I was drowning every week. And I was like. It got to the point where I was like, please fire me. Because I. I couldn't sleep. Yeah. The nerve. It is a shocking. It's shocking to the system. Yeah. And for me, I mean, I was still. I had been doing stuff on stage at the UCB for many years. Yeah. But I had never been that. I hadn't been in the front of the camera that often. And then live TV, live to live, where you're reading off cue cards, and you only see one cue card at a time, you know. And the way it works on SNL is the host is always in black. And then everybody else has a color code. So, like, if. Tina and Amy and I were in a scene, Tina would have brown ink. Amy might have blue, and I would have green. Wow. And you're color-coded, right? So, I would be looking for green. And they would change the dialogue. They would change because, you know, the band went too long, so we had to make cuts. It's on the card. Oh, my God. And then you're going live. Oh, my God. And you're going live, and then all of a sudden, you're reading the card, and you keep looking to see what they cut, and then they reveal it, and you're like, oh, that's me. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-- But Horatio says. I love Horatio. So, I sat next to. I'll tell a little story here. I sat next to Horatio at the table reads, right? Yeah. Horatio was hilarious, because the year I joined, I was the only guy hired. Wow. I was the only guy in that freshman class. I passed a 15. Who were the ladies that were hired? Nobody was hired. You were the only one hired? Only guy hired. Wow. So, I sat next to Horatio at the table read, and I would get nervous, you know, because I'd know, oh, this sketch is coming up, or one that I wrote is coming up, or, oh, God, you know. So, he could tell, like, I would be fine, and then he could see that I'd turn into a ball of nerves. And he's a fantastic guy. He's a fantastic artist. I love him. And he would draw me. He could draw a really good me with, like, big eyebrows and stuff, but he would draw these hilarious pictures, and I wouldn't see it, because in my own head, I'd be trying to pre-read sketches and stuff, and all this stuff, and he was as cool as a cucumber, because he was like, whatever. But right before I'd get ready to read, he would just take it and slide it over to me, and it would always be me getting fucked by an alien. And it would be, like, this big alien dick going through the back of, in my mouth, and out the back of my hand, or whatever, and the head would be exploding. Yeah, wah-wah. And it would be the most, but it was so graphic and so well-drawn that I would see it, I would fucking die laughing every time, because he found new ways to just do that shit. And he did it to make you calm? I think, yes. He was doing it to calm me down and get me relaxed. Yeah. And it always made me laugh. It always put me in a good place, you know. Yeah. And so, I'm always ready. I'm always very grateful to Horatio. He was a good man. He is a good man. I find that there's two types of people. People like us, but then there's the other guy who's so confident. They just show up, even new people, and they just do it. I don't know if that comes from super confidence in their abilities, or just an ignorant bliss. Ah. Yeah, because I think, like, delusion does take you really far. Uh-huh. It can. Yeah. I've seen guys that are out there, and they're just big dick energy. Really? Yeah. You know, okay, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, if they do it. We have little dick energy. If they do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if they do it right, they can get you to buy into it. You know, you're kind of like, I guess I'll go with this guy. Yeah. But what is that? They're both. - You weren't born with it? - No, we were beaten. - Oh, that's right, by our parents. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember, I remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we were beaten. - We weren't allowed to just be. - Yeah. So do you think that if I wasn't beaten and molested and stuff, right? - Yes, the answer is yes. - And pounded and pounded, you know what I mean? Anyway, that I would be, do you think I would get into, I would have gotten into comedy? - You'd have a little bit more audacity. You'd have a little bit more self-belief, I think. - Yeah, I have no belief. - That gets beaten out of you, that self-belief. - You have enough belief. You've made it this far pretty well. So you got something inside you. - He beats himself up more than anyone I've ever met. - But I do it in spite of. Here's the thing, I go through all the fears and the anxiety and the fucking self-abuse. - Right, but you still got enough-- - But I still will show up. - But you still got, but that's the thing, though, you still got enough moxie to go the last mile. - Yeah. - That last 10 feet. - Yeah. - Meaning from the wings to the microphone. - Yeah. - That last 10 feet, it's the lonely walk of a comedian. - Yeah. - And not many people make it, where you go from offstage to the center where you grab the mic. - Yeah. - That last 10 feet, that's the courage walk right there. - Yeah. - And you got it. So you can beat yourself up, you can be insecure, that's probably what makes for good comedians, is all of those phobias, all those fears, all those anxieties, 'cause everybody has 'em. But if you complete the walk, if you take all that and still finish and get from the wing to the mic, you deserve to be there. - Yeah, that's the, I agree, and I think that that's the, people go, "God, you're talented," or these things, and that might be true, but although I even doubt that sometimes, but yeah, but the one thing that I've always done is I'll make that walk. - Yeah. - Yeah. Here's how I look at my life. Okay, especially stand-up and stuff. People will go, "How was that show last night?" "You mean the war?" I don't view it as a show. You remember? - It's a combat sport for you. - Yeah, yeah, to me, it's a war. And he's been backstage. - His green rooms are not enjoyable. It's not the, you see on TV, "Oh, we're kicking it." It's like him stressed out about himself. - You know, you see the sun bear at the San Diego Zoo just doing sad little circles, pacing around because-- - Oh, it's him. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just, he's not where he's supposed to be. That's Bobby, just sweating, cursing at everyone. - I don't curse at people. What you talking about, Willis? - But I do hear this, all right? I hear what you're saying. - What you talking about, Willis? - One of the things I used to do when I was doing stand-up was I learned all about physiology, the physical body. - Here we go, I love the science. - And you gotta move your body. You get that, one, it gets the anxiety out of your body. - God, I love it. - And so, and also, it gets your, your mind-body connection going. So I would walk, and I would do a, intentionally, I would do a goofy walk, where I would, you know, walk like this, and I would take big strides, and I would pound my feet, and I would flex, you know, I would do all this weird-looking shit. Like, if someone saw me, they'd be like, "What the fuck is this guy's problem?" But it got all of that shit out of me, and so by the time I got to the stage, I was feeling connected, I was feeling good. I didn't have the shaky hands, like, it was all good. - That's what I was, that's what I've been doing. - Yeah. - Do I not do that? - Oh, yeah. - It works. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It really works, it's a good technique. - Yeah. - And I think highly of it. But you shouldn't beat yourself up. I mean, that's easier said than done. - It's not. - But, oh, I know what I was gonna say. So, you go through this hell, pre-show hell. You get on stage, and you do your stuff, right? And it fucking kills, right? That's, that's the juice, right? That's what keeps you, that's what sets, that's what allows you to come back the next night. Because if you went out there and ate shit, and everybody said, "Fuck you, stop, I hate you." Okay, then you, it would be a matter of time, you wouldn't be coming back anymore. - Yeah. - But they love you. And so, you get that, when you get that, that's what allows you to overcome, I think, right? - Yeah, but also, here's another thing, Rob, if I may interject. - Please. - Is that my comrade. - Oh. - Just go with friend. - Buddy, pal. - Yeah, is even if it's not going well on there, which is, you know, there's been, remember, like, the first shows in San Francisco were tough. I mean, tough, the toughest I've seen. - No one starts out killing it, I don't think. You all have to, everybody. - This is two weeks ago. - Go on. - 30 years into my career. - This is nothing, this is two weeks ago. 'Cause I did a Tuesday, Wednesday. - But you were prepping for a special. - Yeah, right? - Okay. - That's totally different. - There was some stuff that I had to put in there. - But even when it was tough, and I was like, oh, this is a tough room, I think I've, 'cause 20 years ago, if they were tough, I would be dying on the inside. Like, it would be like, I gotta do something to change this. And I've shifted into, oh, I don't care. - You can breathe in the uncomfortable. - It's weird. - No, it's not weird. - I don't know what happened. - It's an awesome sign. For you, as a performer, it means you're maturing, and you're getting into that space that takes forever to get to. It's a great thing. - But it took me 30 years to get there. - Yeah, sometimes it takes that long. There was a time when, in improv or in an acting scene, if there was silence, I could feel the flush. I could feel the rush, and I've learned how to live in it now. Where I let it breathe, I let it take its course, I don't panic anymore. - Yeah. - And in those moments, you find gold, and magic, and all kinds of wonderful things. - Yeah. - But, ooh, you think it didn't take a decade and a half or two decades to get over that? - Yeah. - No, it took a long time to get there. - Or when I used to do a scene in a movie or whatever, and in my peripheral, I'll see Video Village, right? So I'll do the line that I thought was gonna be-- - You're checking in with them. - Yeah, but in private, I can see them. And so I'll do the line that I think is gonna be the funny line, and I'll say it. And in my peripheral, I'll see people go, "You know what I mean?" And I used to fuck me up. But now, in that scenario, it's like, "Oh, okay." - Yeah. - They'll give me a note. - Exactly, they'll tell me if we need to do it again. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I have a question about that decision, that moment when you decided, "Okay, I can either become a pilot, "have this great career, live in the safety of this career, "to, you know what, I'm gonna take this big leap into "the completely other side of this," which is not just any old career. It's entertainment. It's like-- - It's a life in the arts. I don't know if there's a one silver bullet answer to this, but I think it was, there was something inside me that just believed I could. It was a belief. And then when my friend kinda confirmed it for me, it was like, "I'm telling you, you gotta get up here. "This is what we did in college. "You're better than most of them." I was like, "I'm telling you, this is what we did in college. They hated me. I hated me. So I thought they hated me more. And the truth was they laughed. There were some laughs. There were some, if I had even heard the audience, I might've let it breathe. I might've let the laughter roll a little bit, but I didn't cause I didn't hear them. I had five minutes to do, I was getting through it and then I was fucking off. That was it. And, and so I thought I made a huge mistake. Cause when I, when I was like, I never want to do that again. I hated it so much. And I gave away a pretty good career as a pilot. And now I'm now I know what was I thinking, you know, like I committed to this life without really knowing shit about it. I just had this feeling inside that it's something I wanted to do. So anyway, I ended up finding the UCB shortly after, after that. And, and that helped me a ton because that fit more into what I needed to do. It got me on stage performing. It got me, it got me to a place where, okay, I felt like I could do this. And then I got a break eventually, you know, and I got some opportunities and then it was, it wasn't until I was on the daily show that I went back to stand up and tried it again. But this time I had more confidence from being on stage. I knew how to write a little bit better. I understood what works and what doesn't with audiences. And you just, did you have fun? Why? Cause you were, you started, I remember doing dates and having you, seeing you upcoming at these places. Did you at that point, since you had an hour, have fun with it? Yes. Yeah. And I give John Oliver a lot of credit because I shared an office with John at the daily show and I used to make him come down to the UCB and do monologues for the ass cat show. Wow. And, and he's, you know, there's nothing you can do to prep for that. He's just, you know, you get a suggestion from the audience and then you as the monologist tell a story based on that. And he's a funny enough guy and creative enough that he could tell a story. And so he would tell these great stories. We'd do scenes based on that. Well, then he was like, all right, now you need to come with me cause we're going to do standup. And I was like, I don't know, man. You know, I don't, I don't have, I don't have shit and I don't, I don't know. And he wouldn't take no for an answer. And, and so we were, we were both, you know, um, we had time on our hands cause I, I was living in New York by myself at the time. And so was he. So we'd get off work at five and we would jump into a cab. And this is what beautiful thing about New York city. I would jump into a cab with him right after work and we'd go down to the piano room, the slipper room, UCB, standup New York. Uh, you know, there, there was at least five to 10 mics a night that you could hit. And so we would take a cab down to the first one. And I remember on the first, on the way down, he goes, cause he told me that day we were doing it. So when I got in the cab, he's like, you got anything? I go, no. He goes, ah, he goes, he got one story. One, give me one story. I go, well, this happened today. And he goes, fine. Well, I can tell that. So I got up the first place we went. It was a three minute story at best. I just told it like it happened and it got some laughs and that was bad. I just did three minutes and I got some laughs. We got jumped in the cab. We were off to the next place. He goes, that was a good story. He goes, all right. Do you remember where they laughed? I go, yeah. He goes, okay, good. Uh, keep those things. Do you remember where they didn't laugh? And I was like, yeah, he goes, cut those things. And then he was like, he's like, uh, and, uh, and think of ways to embellish it. And I was like, okay. So we got to the next place. And he goes, okay, so we got to the next place. I did that. I did. We'd hit like four or five places that night. Wow. And by the fifth place, I had like two minutes of pretty good stuff. So, so basically, but I was like, all right, so this is how we're going to do it. So I would just kept building off of stories and seeing what worked and what didn't. But New York, I do think is a great place if you're going to go build a set because you can get so many, so many mics. LA is tough, you know, to get that time to build a set. Yeah. Um, and then, yeah. Then it was fun. Then it was a totally different ball game. Then I enjoyed standup. Yeah. I really did. Cause I enjoyed the art of crafting it. Rob, I want to say something. Okay. Um, cause I knew you haven't done it in 10 years. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So I have these new joke nights at the comedy store. Okay. Right. And I go up with a piece of paper and it's sometimes they're rough. Yeah. Okay. If you ever want to try, you can do the show. Thank you. I pack it out. Yeah. In the belly room. So it's like 75 people. The comedy store intimidates me. I'll be honest. It does. It's the culture is completely changed. I performed there once, maybe twice. And it was, it was one of those where they, they don't turn the audience over. Yeah. You know, that one room, they don't turn the audience over. So by the time I got up there, whatever it was, midnight, everybody was exhausted. Rob, the club has completely changed in culture. Oh, good. Right. And is that a good thing or it's a great thing. Okay. Yeah. It's packed there every night. Oh, good. Right. Um, you're Rob Riggle, right? You're not, I'm just saying that even if. Okay. Um, we had, um, a Greg O'Grope produced show, right? That's he sells at the main room. I could even go, he can Rob do five minutes and you'd be able to do five wherever you wanted to go up in front of a great packed room. Right. The culture is completely changed. It is tempting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's very tempting. Let me just think about it. I don't want to force it. No, no, no. It's always on my mind. It really is. Can we go more back into the book? Yeah. All right. So where can, what else? So, so all the things that you talked about, like your military. We stopped going into comedy. Oh, that's all in here. It covers a lot. It covers a lot of ground. It covers a little bit of some fun, hopefully fun childhood stories. Cause it's a memoir. It's like a motivational memoir. What I'm hoping is that if people read it, whatever journey they're on, they'll be able to take some lessons that I learned the hard way and apply it to their life and hopefully it helps them. So it's kind of a motivational memoir. Um, there's a lot of stuff in there about childhood and, and overcoming some things. And then there's some things, uh, uh, uh, military, uh, you know, deployments to, uh, Liberia serving in Afghanistan nine 11. I was down at the rebel piles working on nine 11. But, uh, yeah. And then there's, uh, you know, stories about Saturday night live and the day and films and, and just hopefully again, like life lessons that I hope people can, uh, use in their life. So have you felt the, um, cause obviously I felt the shift in Hollywood and all that stuff. Have you felt it when you say shift? The business model, the paradigms are shattered, shattered, shattered compared to when we started. When we started in this business, there was an ecosystem and you kind of knew where you lived and where you got your money and where money came from and how you got work. And there was this whole ecosystem that was set up and, and it worked. It worked. You know, if you, you could, you knew what pilot season was, you knew where, you know, you know, none of this exists. Yeah. All these paradigms of the past have been shattered and it's just wreckage and everybody's just grabbing for whatever they can get. And it's, it there's good and there's bad to it. One of the good things that came from this new paradigm is there is no more silos as far as work, meaning George Clooney, the biggest, you know, box office draw for X, whatever he was doing coffee commercials. Okay. Yeah. Those two worlds would never meet, you know, you were commercial television or film. Yeah. And you, and you stayed in your silo. Now you go from television to film, film, the TV back to commercial back to this. It's so that's kind of nice. That's a positive that came out of it. But then the downside, I don't think that they would feel that way. Who's they? The big stars. They get paid huge money. I mean, if you watch Steve Carell and, and, uh, John, they're making these coffee commercials. Yeah. I mean, artistically, they're not fulfilled. I don't think. Well, it's not about fulfillment. That's about paying off the lake. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's about that. Everyone needs a lake house anyway. Yeah. And a speed boat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In your own house. Obviously. Yeah. Everybody needs a cigarette boat. You're going to be in Hollywood. Uh, but yeah, so at the paradigms have been shattered and that part, what's the negative? The negative is you don't know, like we don't do auditions anymore. Like I used to be able to go into a room and audition for a casting director. The actual cast. The casting director, actual director, actual producers talk to them, get to know them, you know, give them a little pitch, give them a little, a little show beyond the dialogue. Then I'd read for them. I could do it once or twice in front of them and they'd say, great, thanks for coming in. And I'd get it or I wouldn't get it or whatever, but you got a sense of it in the moment. Now it's send us a tape, send us a tape, send us a tape. Well, I go to my garage. I read with a neighbor if I'm lucky, you know, read with, you know, it's so hard to, to put this thing together. No feedback. Some people are like putting like they got lighting packages and stuff. I got my garage. Yeah, me too. That's it. And I do it in here. I have to put it on a tripod and like try to do it myself. Of course my tapes look like shit, you know? And so that part has changed, you know? And so there's the, it feels like the, there's all this work, but yet the opportunities seem more limited in a weird, bizarre way. And then when you do, you have to go. Nope. Um, I, when you do get a job, it's like, how much is that? $2. That's another thing. Yeah. There's $2. There's 200, there's 255 channels. Yeah. And so obviously the price is diluted. Yeah. You know, so that, that with that you get more selection, but for us, you know, it gets more diluted, but I also would think there's more work because there's 250 channels and it doesn't seem like there is, yeah, there isn't, there isn't, it doesn't feel like it doesn't. Yeah. And then of course the reality of show business, the reality of show business, which nobody ever wants to talk about because everybody wants to claim whatever. But let's be real. It's like Shakespeare said, you, everybody's a player and you have your time on the stage and then it goes away. You know, you can't stay on the stage forever. If you're lucky and blessed, you get to have a 20, 30, 30 year career. again um your time on the stage is limited limited but it's true like i read this thing not for ken jung yeah forever forever but i did i did read about eddie murphy today and he was talking about his 50-year career yeah but again these are like a handful of people yeah yeah they get to have that so the fact that you and i have been able to do what we've been able to do for as long as we is a blessing beyond blessings it's such a gift the thing for us to do now is to realize okay maybe i'm not in front of the camera as much as i used to be but that means with all the experience that we have in front of the camera working with actors shots comedy writing you know okay maybe we should produce more maybe we should direct more or be in service and help other people exactly exactly um so anyway but yes right now our business is a blessing beyond blessings it's such a gift the thing for us to do now is to realize business is cattywampus it's all yeah dicked up it's cat yeah cat's cat and it's gonna get even more scarier because um what's that guy who played him the the butler in the dark knight oh michael kane yeah he signed his life not a lot his likeness his likeness like likeness not likeness to ai yeah oh god so he's gonna be making movies for the rest of his for millennia it's like a commercial with his it's not his voice but it's his voice and it's like ai is another thing that's got everybody dicked up in this town too that should absorb what he was saying yeah i can't move on from whatever that that was it's real man no i know i know it is sound like a hippie no you're right it's real man matthew mccartney sound like a bill paxton and uh aliens another reference yeah we're all gonna die man we're all gonna die yeah i just worked with a son yeah paxton sonny oh really so talented anyway um very good matthew mccartney also signed that same deal that michael kane did yeah just a tidbit i know would you guys sign your rights um your likeness over to ai not not not while i'm here in a weird no like in your dying breath you'd sign okay on my dying breath if it meant something for my kids then i might be you could maybe talk me into is this going to help my family in the future rob hi hi this i'm ai guy yeah and we have an offer yeah we have an offer yeah we have an offer yeah we have an offer yeah what's up yeah um big fan by the way oh thank you yeah what is that that's my heart machine don't worry about it oh wow anyway um glad you called because i'm about to check out yeah anyway uh rob you know you're 54 yeah yeah yeah yeah and uh you can never work again on screen we'll give you 30 million for your likeness 30 mil yeah okay uh send over the docusign would you do that yeah yeah yeah yeah but you can never do anything in show that's generational money for my family yeah yeah that's that's my grandchildren but what would you do with the time after that smoke a j on the beach and yeah take it easy enjoy the sunset yeah yeah you know live life finally relax we're so full of anxiety and pressure how nice would it be to just smoke just smoke a fatty and watch the sunset and not have to worry about tomorrow i can't remember the last time i didn't worry i know so i that sounds fucking great make that deal okay yeah i'll call mr ii so rob's but where can they find your book rob uh anywhere you find finer books barnes and noble amazon yeah yeah yeah no wherever there's a bookstore i think you can find it go buy seriously i mean you listen to this podcast so funny so insightful i'll be honest with you yeah one day i'd love to have you back on this please you're so good i love hanging out with you you're gonna have fun with rob riggle this is great he's so good well you're very kind i love hanging out with you i'm gonna force you to do stand up and uh no pressure no pressure but uh give rob a round of applause okay go ahead one last question fire um drawing cubes what kind of notes are those no just cubes but uh it's better than penises what's it called it so i'm a big fan of the office can you actually marry someone on boat yeah like not me but a boat captain can he's authorized to conduct conduct marriages oh it's because he was a marine so i thought you have i don't have the special skills i mean i can get him in an hour on the internet at the unity life or whatever it is unified life good question no i'm just asking because what if i'm on like uh you want me to marry you and somebody yeah what's that boat ride this is not you we're closing with this no way i'm just going somewhere the ss no a three hour tour what's that jungle cruise yeah no no not jungle cruise you look at the islands you just did no that right niagara falls okay niagara falls what yeah huh he was improvising for real i was just playing for real yeah well i guess niagara falls is a romantic place people go there to get married they used to but not anymore so you want me to do weddings on a on a niagara boat niagara falls boat the one that gets right like you're never getting married what about you yeah i'm not saying like where can you i'm not doing that i want to get married you're never gonna go to who you're never gonna get married and you're gonna be there oh i will go and i'm gonna laugh at you why because i'm married can i come yeah you're the pastor okay great question oh