Rob Riggle | Club Random with Bill Maher

While you're remodeling your backyard to make it more, you know, Zen, we were remodeling our merch store to make it more random. We've slapped our new logo on t-shirts, tie dyes, hoodies, and hats and all with premium printed labels. Look, I wasn't kidding, we have it because tags are like the junk mail of clothing. All merch is available exclusively at clubrandom.com. Once again, that's clubrandom.com. And then some guys not playing fast enough to my point about not a sport. If you can't get drunk, while you're like. Freshman class. Why didn't they like you? I don't know, but they don't like me as much as what. Here's what I'm saying. Rob, hey! Sounded like Woody Woodpecker there. How are you? Good, man. Nice to meet you. I'm a funny Woody Woodpecker. Is it right there? Where is it? David and man. By the way, I love this. This made me laugh out loud. You know that's real, right? Yeah, that's why I love it so much. I know. And he just. I'm adding to the list as of two days ago because, you know, he went off on truth about me over the weekend. So there's a new one. Does it smell something? I think it's from Aldenheim or something. That was on me. No, it wasn't like a fart. It was like a cleansing smell. But yeah, what did you call me? There was 56 insults on there. The Trump called me over the years. And I always marveled like, how could somebody. Of the top of his head just come up with so many different. I mean, I was a new one. It's something like this jerk lightweight or something. So I'm very proud that I'm adding to my list, although. It's good. He said our dinner was a waste of time, but it wasn't to me. I'm going to answer him at some point. Oh, good. Oh, my gosh. Here's Rob's book. Rob wrote a script and never quit with you. Yeah, I mean, I should first say thank you for your service. You're like a colonel, right? Yes, thank you. Appreciate it. Oh, no, I mean, I didn't do anything. I mean, I always have been of the opinion this. Just two categories, especially for. Well, no. I mean, women fight now in the forces too, but. You either went to war or you didn't. Yeah. Everything else is on a scale. That to me is the absolute dividing line. There's nothing like war. There's bravery of different kinds. People have called me brave many times. In the realm I'm in that is way less brave than actually running into a bullet. Well, yeah, there's. I agree. There's physical courage. There's moral courage. But you have a lot of moral courage. Yes, but that's not the same as war. It just isn't. Yeah. I'm saying that as someone who never been to war and probably would shit my pants and run away. I mean. I don't know. You've got natural fighter instincts. I don't think you're run away. Yeah, I hope I wouldn't. No, you wouldn't. But that's the other thing. You don't know, unless you have been there, you don't know what you would do. Yeah. I do think that I think a lot of. Well, again, I don't want to generalize too much, but I think a lot of men. they always want to know what kind of metal they got. On some level, they want to know. I have that. Same thing. And I will never know. I mean, they don't take you at 70. I mean, they could not. Try my luck to join them. They could knock down every building in New York and they're not going to get me to join up the next day. But when did you join? How old were you? I was a sophomore in college. I was 19. 19? Yeah. And why? You know, the simple answer was. I did want to serve. That was something I did want to do. I didn't. I wouldn't put it as a top priority, but I wanted to serve. I always thought that in the back of my mind, I had dreams of maybe being an FBI agent. And I called the FBI. This is back when you had to call people. There was no internet. And I called the FBI, local office. And I said, "What do you guys look for?" And he said, "Well, some nice special agent had some time to kill, I guess." And I was like, "Well, we like lawyers. We like accountants." And then he goes, "Oh, by the way, we also like marine officers." We tend to hire a lot of those guys. So I said, "Oh, okay. I wasn't going to be a lawyer or accountant, for sure." So I said, "Well, maybe I could do the marine thing." The FBI is looking for accountants. Why? Because they're busting white collar crime. I'm sure it's the big part of what they do. Right. A lot of divisions there. Right. So that was the general. That wasn't the way it was on the TV show, the FBI. Exactly. There's a lot more shooting up action going on. Remember they put it in once upon a time in Hollywood, so great that he was watching that episode. That was what. That famous meme, you know? Yeah. But that was a. That was a 60-show, for sure. So, wow. So it was a way to get into the FBI. Well, I was also a theater and film major, right? And I went to the University of Kansas. And, you know, late '80s, I just didn't think. We didn't have the internet. The world wasn't as touchable as it is today. So I just didn't see a path to becoming an actor. Late '80s, I just didn't think. Yeah. I just didn't think. A period. Yeah. But I didn't think there was a path. So I didn't ever thought it was a real dream. I just thought it was a great dream. And I loved comedy. And I loved, you know, watching all the great comedies of the day. And I loved watching all the movies, the comedic movies. And I could quote him chapter in verse. And I loved acting and all that, but it wasn't tangible. It wasn't real. So I was like, okay, okay, yeah. Of course, I want to do that. But what do I really got to do? I got to get a job. That's what I got to do. I got to get a job. And that was the mindset. It's a mid-western mindset. You never made it to the FBI. No. You state the military hooked you? It kept me in. It kept me in for long enough. Mal, I was always. What was interesting was, as I went through the Marines, I got more confidence. I got more confidence. Oh, great. Anybody who can make it through a Marine training, isn't it? It's pretty tough, yeah. Oh, I bet it is. And so then when I. I'm just getting this from Richard Guillemovies. I mean, it looks like a nightmare. I mean, like, there was so mean to you, the sergeants. Yeah. What happened to little empathy? No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough. But I got more confident. And then, because I got confident, and because they kind of showed me my new limits, this is what I thought my limits were. And they showed me my new limits. Right. I said, you know what, maybe I could be an actor. Maybe I could be a comedian. But they're doing that to weed out. I mean, they purposely want to find the people who will quit. It's pressure points. It's like how much pressure. Yeah. And that, you know, if you're trying to create a warrior cast, that is the thing. That's the right thing to do. I mean, that's why our military has always been pretty kick-ass. I think, yes. You do tend to get good people, for sure. They do have a. I'm strong. And you get the fittest. You do. in for the task of, you know. And you have to be mentally. You have to be strong between the years, too. I think totally. Mostly. If somebody says, run toward that machine gun nest. Yeah. It's unnerving. It's a polite way to say it. Pan-shitting. Yes. And the reason why they want very, very young people in the military is because very young people are the most amenable, too. Well, they also don't. They haven't lived long enough to be afraid of a lot. Right. And if you just tell them, do this, do this. I mean, you know, it's. Is I watch on a different totally different level, but I'll watch poker players. The young poker players? They're gun slingers. They're slinging hash. They're throwing chips around. The older ones, they maybe have a little more wisdom. But they also know everything they can go wrong. So they tend to not push. The envelope is hard, so to speak. And who wins? Usually the young guys. Really. Oh, yeah. Because. Because they're reckless and dangerous. And they make bold moves. Yeah. Yeah, it does. But going back to. So when I went through officer candidate school, right? Officer candidate school is different than boot camp. It's the same program, generally speaking, as far as, you know, all the standards are the same, everything's. But they're trying to get rid of you. Like, if you sign up for the Marines, they're going to make you a Marine, whether it kills you or kills them. You're going to become a Marine, right? They're going to send you through boot camp. And if you can't make it because you're overweight or you're not in shape, they're going to send you back through. They're going to send you back through. And so you can wait. Officer candidate school is the opposite. They're trying to get rid of you. It's a screening and evaluating. So my platoon started with 64. We graduated 32. So it was 50% of tuition. You know, and that was a very short amount of time, you know. So it's a little different program when you go through officer candidate school. I mean, that's not completely different than the way it is in capitalism. Anywhere, business. I mean, you know, Jack Weld famously was the head of RCA for the longest time. He's known as Chain Chainsaw Jack. I think because he would every year fire the bottom 10%. performing in the company. That was the mantra, you know. That was the operating procedure. And so even if you didn't do a terrible job, you know, it was always a game of musical chairs. And there was nine seats in ten people every year. I mean, that's. You wonder why people have heart attacks at 59. I mean, that's why. Yeah. Because that's what capitalism is. And I'm sure, you know, Mom Donnie is watching this right now as he always does. I'm sure. And saying exactly, Bill, that's my point. Capitalism is terrible. Yes, terrible, except it's still better than the reverse. Yeah. Well, you want to really be. Soviet people died at 38 from being drunk all the time, because they couldn't take their life under communism. My girlfriend is Polish. She was born into communism. She lived under a little while, and she shakes her head. She just. She's like, they don't know what they're asking for. They don't know what they're talking about. And it would be so easy to find out. It wasn't like it happened a thousand years ago. Exactly. It happened in our lifetimes. She would explain to me the grocery card they got. She got a grocery card, her family got a grocery card, and they would. This is Poland. Yeah. Warsaw. Yeah. And you were allowed, you know, you were. Your family of four, you get X amount of milk, X amount of liters of milk per week. You get X amount of eggs per week. You get eggs, you know, and then you take that card to the store, which sometimes didn't have any of the stuff on your card. Sometimes they just had a. We're long on toilet paper today. Oh, yeah. So it takes some toilet paper, but in come back tomorrow and maybe we'll have what's on your list. It doesn't work. Humans need to be incentivized by selfishness. It is nature to be selfish. Animals are selfish. Yeah. Watch them. Yeah. I heard a song the other day, and it was. Of course, all things are exaggerated, but it was basically capitalism doesn't. Capitalism isn't bad because you suck at life. You know? And I was like, that's pretty catchy song, you know. Sorry. Yeah. Sometimes that's what it feels like. I don't. But I mean, the waste of human capital, the Polish people, for example, they're a very smart, craft capable people, and as soon as they throw off the shackles of communism, Poland has done very well since. They're ascending right now. Oh, yes, absolutely. I mean, Warsaw, I'm sure, is a very vibrant, prosperous city. For a major city, it is unbelievably sick. Have you gone there? Yes. Been to Poland. It's beautiful. So she goes back to see family and stuff. So how did you two meet? She's a professional golfer. So we play a lot of golf. I play a lot of golf. That's funny, because I always thought golf ruined relationships. Most of the time it does. Really? Because I thought either, like, first the guy plays golf. Really, and I'm up to tell you, to begin with, I'm very anti-Golf, or he's happy. I don't find it to be a sport. It's an insult to lawns with anything else. If you want to walk around in the park all day fine, if you want to hit a little ball, do that. Don't combine them and call it a sport. But I get that that's my prejudice. And it's also a disaster environmentally. And it just attracts the wrong kind of people. It really does. I'm not one of those white people or toxic. They went way too far with that. But golf, yeah, I do understand why people hate white people. Okay, but other than that, golf. Okay. Not for sport. I've just been also a four. I was playing poker with my friends. That's glad I played it. First, I feel like guys were just doing it as a thing to get away from them from the wife. Like, again, because I don't find it attractive thing to do. So I was like, okay, this must be just a ploy to get away from the wife. And then what happened was wives were like, oh, I'll play golf too. They're like, oh, I'm doing this thing I didn't want to do. You got to wait for me. And now we're doing it together. But I'm sure I'm wrong about all that. So tell me about your life with golf. So tell me how does you love it? I hope I didn't poison the water, Rob, with that hole. Now listen, I get it. I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. But she's a professional golfer. That's very impressive. Yeah. She's very good. And she loves the sport. She's an athlete. She's just, you know, she's some people just have that natural look off. She does. And are you pretty good? I'm okay. I'm okay. Like what's your handicap? 10. 10. No. That's very good. It's pretty good. So you shoot like an 82. Yeah. Well, 82 is very good. I shoot in the low 80s. And what does she shoot? She probably shoots in the mid 70s. Pussy. I know. Believe me. I know, sir. Great job. That's what I thank you for your service. Not to men. That's what I tell my friends. Oh, you players. Yeah, how it goes. And then they shut up. I'm sure they're like, I'm busy that day. But do you shoot from the same T or did she do the ladies' teeth? No. Same one. Same T-box. Doesn't use the ladies' teeth. Wow. You know, or she, she's probably going to hate me for saying this or I'm going to take some people. She's going to love you for this whole thing. She's going to find out sides of you. She'll never. She'll never knew. She'll like, you should hang out with Bill Maher more. Yeah. I'm getting to the real deal. I like that bill. Yeah. Yes. She, coming off the T-box, she can, she can bomb it. I mean, she can hit. But sometimes she's inconsistent. And that's where I get to catch up with her. But around the green, her short game is amazing. That's where she makes up all her strokes. And I might, around the green, I'm a hot mess. So that's like four dirty phrases and that one thing. Oh, golf is loaded with them. Loaded with them. Like what? Shaps, balls. This is two ball wash, wash my balls. You know, you're right. I'll meet you at the box. Right. There's all kinds of things. Well, I'm glad for you. So you're, but you were married? I was. Yeah, I was. So how long have you been with this lady? We are going on just over five years. Well, that's certainly within the good honeymoon time. I mean, you know, I always think most marriages that fall apart, not that I'm the expert on that because I never did it. But I get the thing. It's really not that the people are bad or went bad. It's just time. Time is not really your ally. It is for some people. Some people just grow more and more, you know, in love, I guess. No, they do. Some do. Some are lucky. Some just grow code dependent. That's interesting. And most, but most people what they grow mostly is bored. And, and just too familiar. And you just, the other person becomes just like you. I mean, it's like, and that's not. Yeah. Doesn't lend itself to the credit. Yeah, there's all, all matter of reasons these days. My marriages are working. You know, I had my thing, but I have a ton of friends that are going through it too. And yeah, there seems to be similar patterns. But you're probably talking to the wrong guy because you know, still, you know, I'm probably, I have a little edge about it. I'm probably not objective. Who that goes through a divorce is ever not objective? Well, because I can, but I can, I can understand. I can, I really try, maybe I'm delusional, but I think I can understand, you know, different people's, or people's opinions, whether it's, you know, women say, oh, well, it's because the man's this, that, or the other, he's never around it. And the laundry list of complaints. Oh, and then the women, and then the men are like, yeah, but if you didn't cheat, lie, steal, you know, maybe we wouldn't, we wouldn't be it. So it's a lot of this, right? Yes, no. I only know it mostly from the men's side because, you know, my guy friends, and then they get married, and then, you know, when they're going through a divorce, they're just useless, useless as human beings. They really are. I mean, that the, it's bad. It's bad. The amount of anger it puts in them, partly because they're paying not just for their lawyer, but sometimes the wife's lawyer. They're paying for the guy who's attacking them. Yeah. That, I get that that's, and then if kids are involved, you know, that can do it. It's hard for me not to be upset, but I also don't want to walk around jaded in front of the kids, or put out that kind of angry vibe. But, you know, there's all kinds of great comedians who talk about this, and they do a wonderful job talking about, you know, would, would you jump out of an airplane if you knew your parachute was only going to open 50% of the time? Right. No, no one would. So why the fuck are you going to get married, you know? And now, the decade, the decade is so stacked against the breadwinner. It's unbelievable how bad it is. Why would you ever sign up for that program? It's just, it doesn't make any sense. Okay, but let me take this side that is not predictable for me to take because I'm the unmarried guy, but I think that that analogy with jumping out of the plane It's not a good analogy because, uh, yeah, I feel it. 50% of the time, the shoot won't open. But if it does open and you make it, so fucking what? You jumped out of a plane, you like got a adrenaline rush for five minutes, and you risked it all for nothing, really. So that's not a good bit. But marriage, if it does work, it can be great. I mean, certainly no people who would be lost without their spouse. And I also, I love love. I have no problem. I do. Being in love is a wonderful thing. And being able to share with someone and being able to, especially for men, to have a partner that you can be vulnerable with, or that you can express something that you can't express anywhere else, like to have a partner that cares about you or lights up when you walk into a room. That stuff is awesome. It's wonderful. What makes the world come out? And also the tactile element to it. You know, I mean, I certainly have had times when I'm alone, and the only person who's been touching me with me. But it's better if you have this physical community. Even if it's-- I mean, I'm not talking about sex, but sex, of course, is great too. But like sex is part of it. Just someone who is pulling you. And they like it when you pull them, and you're pausing on each other. So fun of the older I get. Like, when I was a young man, I, you know, why sex was the problem with the number one driver. I can now-- Call drivers. And there we go. But nowadays, I can be driving down the road, and my girlfriend will just put her hand over and run her fingers through my hair. And that's amazing. It instantly comforts me. It instantly calms me down. Oh, I thought you were going to show you good at boner. Well, that can happen, too. Really just like the fingers through your hand. Wow. It definitely can stir the old butterflies. Really? Yeah. Wow. I'm going to get to Poland. You really do. Really? Yeah. Why? It's been a big-- tons of beautiful women. Right. Yeah. And they-- I don't know. They're just awesome. They have really good-- I don't know how to-- I don't want to-- It has to be so measured. Like, I was going to say they have great attitudes. You know, you feel like every-- Because any time you say anything, somebody's going to say-- Fuck them. Thank you. Fuck them, Rob. Because there's American women who are like, oh, yeah. You went to war for America. Fuck you, even a thought to jump on his case for that. What did you do? You fucks typing on your phone. Good sit, hit send, warrior, social justice warrior, bad, rob, wriggle. Because shut the fuck up. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Like, warriors. They-- They actually-- They wear me out. What battles were you in? Battle of the bulge. Gettysburg. [LAUGHS] [LAUGHS] [LAUGHS] I like the world. Antietam. No. Of course. What battles? I'm reading a book right now, actually, about called Demon of Unrest. It's about the attack on Fort Sumner. Basically, it takes place from Lincoln getting elected in November of '60. Yep. Until April 12, '61, when they fired on Sumter. That's right. And so, I know my history pretty well. Me, too. I love that. I love that, man. I'm a Civil War Buffalo level and stuff. It me, too. So, but I-- the level of detail in that six months that this book goes into is fantastic. I really-- You mean how the word really could have been avoided? So many things could have been done differently. Right. So many things. The core, like a lot of-- there was a big revisionist movement, I guess, where they tried to paint it as state rights. State rights. It was all about state rights. They still do. Well, and it wasn't. It still do. I know. But it wasn't. At the core of-- Yeah. No, it was always going to come back to slavery. Of course it was. Of course it was. Right. Which had been the issue for the entire century. Yes. 1808. It's when-- I mean, first of all, they were going to get rid of it right from the get. Yeah. And then they said, OK, we're not going to have the southern states as part of this country unless we give in. But we're going to sunset it to 1808. In other words, kick it down the road. Something is still-- So we can get this done. So we can get this done. Yeah. 1808-- OK, so it's bad. But it's-- then Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin, which made picking slavery way more economically feasible. Yeah. So then they were like, fuck that. We had the Compromise of 1820, the Compromise of 1830. All these places along the way were they came up to this issue. The Missouri Compromise. Yeah, Missouri Compromise. All these where they came up to this issue and they just couldn't quite do it. And then the great man theory of history, true. Lincoln came along and he said, enough's enough. Just like a century later, Kennedy came into office and also said, enough's enough. Yeah, we got rid of slavery. That was a century ago, but we really didn't complete the revolution. And I'm going to send troops into the South to make sure the kids can go to school. Yeah. It just takes somebody willing-- Well, and both of those days is willing to get shot. --and get it in '57 down in Little West. Yes, that's true. Yeah. And yeah, so when I-- the level of detail-- could I do something? And I knew, you know, OK, blah, blah, blah. I knew the big pivot moments, but the way they break it down and they talk a lot about Major Anderson and P.C. Beauregard and Jefferson Davis and all the politics and the things that were going on, it just reminds you, like, oh, this is us. This is every day, you know. There may be big things going on, but so many things can be decided and judged. I mean, World War I, the Jeffrey and Barbara Tucklin's The Guns of August-- Oh, I've heard of it, but I have-- Yeah, it's one of those seminal books. It's the same idea. Like the Archduke sort of for Nets is shot on June 28th. The war doesn't start until August. They had that time. They had the time to stop. To stop it and to, like, say, wait, what the fuck are we doing? We're Europe. We're, you know, supposedly civilized people. Things are going pretty good, and this is just going to-- no one's going to win this, and nobody did, and yet they could not stop it. It's-- that's the thing. The-- some of the biggest tragedies, and I'm not saying the Civil War was a tragedy, it was actually a very good thing. It had to happen. Had to happen. So many times people go into things half-cocked, and they end up in a quagmire and a cesspool. They just-- because nobody thinks about the-- you got to think about the beginning, middle, and end. It's like when you write a play or do an act or whatever, you got a big opener, something strong in the middle, and then a big closer. The one guy who thought of that was George Bush the first-- I was just going to say that. Right, and Colin Powell. Yeah. Colin Powell had the pottery barn rule. You break it. You're on it. Yeah. And Bush, everybody-- not everybody, but a lot of people said-- So don't go get him. Go get him. Go get him. Go all the way to Baghdad. And he said-- And he said-- And he said, these are the parameters we set up in the beginning, and that's it. Exactly. And then his dumb son comes into office and goes all the way to Baghdad. You know, OK. I'm sorry. I was probably too hard on Bush at the time. But I mean, I didn't agree with that going all the way to the whole thing. But it's funny because I use that metaphor often in my life. I don't think people know what I'm talking about when I say, yeah, I just don't want to go all the way to Baghdad. They'll be like, you know, why don't you marry this girl? I'm like, I just don't want to go all the way to Baghdad. It just goes over their head. Well, I know what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you know, I kicked the dumb out of Kuwait. That's enough. Yeah. I don't got a whole-- That's probably like a Dennis Miller reference for some people. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. But for the real, man. And then you didn't fight in that war. What war did-- I was actually on the parade deck. I was in-- I was in Officer Candace School during that during the first Gulf War. Yeah. What about the other Iraq war? 2003? 2003? Yeah. The Bush-- the Bush's war. I was in the service, but I didn't serve in Iraq. I hardly enough went over there as a USO tour. In Iraq. That's because you were a comic by then. Yeah. That's hysterical. It was on the tour with you. I took Horatio Sands. Wow. I took Paul Schier and Rob Hubel, because I did improv with those guys in New York. Okay. And it was just the four of us. And what was the show like? What was in this show? We slapped together a show. I kind of did double duty. So I grabbed Paul and Rob, because we had done improv for years. And Horatio also had done a lot of improv with us. And I had been on SNL with Horatio, and we got along really well. So I would do some stand-up in the beginning. Then we would do a couple of sketches or bits that we had kind of written up. Then Horatio-- we would do some stuff with the audience. So we get some of the troops to come up and join us for a dating game parody where Horatio came out and played kids. you know, and she was the bachelor at. And so we'd get three soldiers up there to be the, you know, just perfect. We'd get all these bits, right? Yeah, yeah. And then Paul should-- It's a great audience because-- Right, I mean-- The audience is so gun-ho. They're so ready for us, you know? Of course. And like, Paul, there's an old improv game, but it was basically ask the expert. And so Paul would be the expert. And we would say, ladies and gentlemen, we want to introduce you to the smartest man in the entire world. He's an expert on anything you can ask him. Anything you want to ask him. If you have any questions about life, anything at all, please ask our expert. I can't say expert today. Ask our expert. And so, you know, soldiers would get up and-- You know, how do I break up with my girlfriend? And then Paul would just give hilarious answers, right? And there was just fun games like that, right? Do you remember the Al Franken USO? Well, I didn't see it. It was scandal. Well, yeah, I knew he had gone on a USO tour and he had done some, you know, pictures that-- Well, that one was sleeping and then we got-- Well, that was one part of that. Okay. Which is, first of all, let me just forget to say it. It was all bullshit. Okay. Al should never have resigned. I think even how he knows that. I mean, it was all-- What was the issue? It was the height of the Me Too history. Okay. The Me Too-- That's right. It was a net. That's right. It was very necessary, corrective, and needs to keep going and go even further. But they also did catch some people in the net. There was sort of a frothing at the mouth who we're going to get today, attitude for a while. You know, as we see with the Epstein files, because most men are bad, but not all. I wouldn't say they're bad, but I don't know a single person on Earth that doesn't make mistakes. No one's perfect. Ever. In the history of mankind, no one's been perfect. Right. But men-- I'm sorry. Most of them are not pedophiles, I don't think. No. But most of them would definitely cheat under the right circumstances. In other words, how many would withstand the ultimate temptation? Very few. Very few. Okay. So we're working from that base. Okay. From them. They're dogs. Yeah. Okay. So, but how was the key-- But does that mean-- Go to jail? Does that mean-- No, does that mean lose your job? No. Does that mean-- No, that's private. That should be between you and-- It should be, yeah. Right. But the Al Franken situation was this. Yeah. Okay, there was two things. One, he took a gag picture on the plane. I think it was the woman who accused him. I think it was Leanne, Tweedin. She was like sleeping on the plane. You know, it's exhausting these trips. Yeah. And so he took a picture, a gag picture where his hands are not on her breasts. But what he's acting like-- He's like-- Yeah. Ha, ha. She's asleep. I don't remember that. I mean, it's bad taste. It's not even that. It's just get the fucking sense of humor. It's not anything that awful. Nobody died. Okay. There are no mass graves from this picture. All right. You know, I get a sense of humor. It's just not. And by the way, 30 years ago, nobody would even have blinked an eye. It was just-- Okay. It's certainly not worth losing your job before. He was a very effective senator. Okay. The other thing was, he was accused. Well, 30 years ago, too, the-- If the girl found out that, you know, somebody played, you know, someone found out that that picture was taken, the girl would probably wait until he fell asleep and do some sort of mock picture about him, like laughing at his junk or something, you know? Yeah. It would have been-- that-- that men, they're done. It would have been that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's not exactly an apples to oranges because men historically have been way worse to women. So-- Well, of course. It's a little worse when the man does it, but it's still not worth blowing a gasket off. But that's how it would have been handled. It would have been--it doesn't have to be a federal case, but-- Right. So the other thing was, he was accused of writing a sketch for the USO show. Now, the sketch is what? No, I'm just-- You don't remember this? No. Okay. So this was the other accusation that he wrote this-- My first thought, how bad was the sketch? What were we talking about? Not bad at all. The crowd loved it because it's this-- I can't remember the details of it, but basically, he sets up this situation. We're a pretty girl who's always in the USO show. Bob Hope used to have Anne Martin in the right house. Okay, so I think it was this woman. I think it was Leanne, but I could be wrong, but I guess because she accused him of writing this sketch in such a way that he wrote it in the script that he gets to kiss her. Okay, the payoff of the bit is that whoever he was playing doesn't get the girl. I'm the soldier they bring on stage does. So, of course, the soldiers are going to love that. One of their own gets the girl. I mean, so that was the point of the sketch. I don't think Al wrote it so that he could have this moment where he gets the stage kiss with the girl. Is it possible? I can't look into everybody's mind. Right. But that was a USO scandal. I didn't even know that was part of it. It was interesting. It is interesting. I mean, it's interesting where we were 10 years ago with that. Yeah. And, you know, I see in these Epstein files. I mean, first of all, you just find out. I said this on my show a couple of weeks ago. Some people were just shocked. I said, I don't apologize you to QAnon. You are not completely wrong about the fact that they're -- They were like -- I mean, I said, you know what? Also, no, the Democrats do not eat babies. I was about to say because QAnon is out there. Yeah. Okay. I lost track. I tried to say, just don't take it that far. Democrats are not eating babies. Hillary didn't run a pedophile ring out of a pizza parlor. You fucking nuts. But you weren't wrong about the elites of this world. Think they can get away with so much shit. Yeah. That they were all in the content they have for the rest of us. It's just pretty amazing when you see these emails. They're almost as lured as -- Well, I know you do a lot of work in political thought and political discussion and debate. And I'm sure this stuff has been right in your forefront, you know, all the Epstein talk, because that seems to be the primary field. Yeah, but until this last dump, we didn't know how extensive it was. It really did change the narrative a lot. I mean, we thought it was until like a few weeks ago. But to the average American, they're not drilling down like you. Like, nobody knows. I don't know what's going on. I mean, I don't know what's out there. Okay, but on the right, this is the one issue where they will break with Trump over. They -- QAnon, which are his biggest backers and, you know, they are far right, but they do not let go of this one. They had it in their heads that there was this, you know, cabal of elites who are so drunk on their own power that they think they can get away. Well, they kind of do and did. You know, I have a friend who always talks about shark skin -- No, not shark -- shark soup. Like, it's illegal to, you know, like kill the sharks. And the soup doesn't even taste good, but they can. But it's because they can't. They just can't, you know. They don't even like it. But it's wrong, but we can do it. We can do it. It's wrong. I know very little about the obscene other than general broad brushes, right? But what it feels like to me is this guy, if you look at his -- how he -- his trajectory and how he managed to get to where he got, it feels like he is an intelligence operator. CIA, Masad, whatever it is. But he works in the intelligence community. It's what it feels like to me as an outsider. Again, I don't drill down on this stuff, and I don't spend much time on it. But that's part of it, but that's part of it. But he has all these elites. He's got them dead to rights, doing something wrong. Yeah. And so that's why he was -- but somebody uses that. He was encouraging it for himself, Mary, maybe he was partially. But some bigger entity, I feel like, was probably leveraging that. No. You don't think that's it? He's a pimp. When you don't know why a guy has a lot of money, it's probably because he's a pimp. That's always been my view on obscene. And I think that's only been proven correct. He wasn't particularly popular with all these different people because he was a sparkling conversationalist. All I'm saying is I don't know -- I know nothing about it. And I feel like most people don't know the broad ones. Well, I'm going to tell you. And nobody thinks he killed himself. Another? No. That's probably not true either. Although there is -- I mean, the gashes in the neck are real, but maybe who knows? It doesn't matter. The guys who were in his circle -- that's the key to this. And I've also certainly known that guy all my life. That's the guy who is so successful in his business and has zero ability to ever get a job. a human woman in bed. There's a lot of guys like that. And they are just burning up inside because they're like, I am the master of the universe. I am so powerful and I have these connections and I have all this influence and all this money and no chick wants me. That is just, it just knocks them, it just, it's just the worst. They think it should translate directly into like this tap of womanhood that it's just flowing down toward them because, and it doesn't. Women are interested in something completely different. And so, who fixes this problem? Jeffrey Epstein. And you just see it in all the emails. They're, I mean, Richard Branson. Hey, it'd be great to see you as long as you're bringing your harem, you know, these are, I mean, they didn't even hide it. It's right in their emails. And they're all doing this. They're asking them for advice on how to cheat. That's some, I forget what prominent guy was, oh, it was the guy from Harvard. He used to be the secretary of the treasury, some are Lawrence Summer, whatever his name is. And he's like, you know, there's this Asian woman in the department and, you know, I kind of like to get with her, but I didn't know what to say. You know, it's like, ask Jeffrey. You know, he's gonna like, yes, he's the guy who knows about chicks, knows how to get chicks. There's always gonna be chicks around. This is the one thing in Bill Gates' life that he doesn't have, you know, all these guys. That's what it is. And then once he Epstein has them in this position, of course, you're right, he does have all the power in the world to blackmail them and to constantly, you know, tap them for resources and, you know, influence, influence, but also, you know, money to his gracious, you know, his great consulting. Yeah. No one gave, he wasn't this financial genius. He had the women, that's what it is. And so, could he have been an intelligent operative? He absolutely could have. I just don't think it interested him. It was the past just being where he was in the world, you know, being able to keep it going with the 12 massages a day and having the dinner parties with Woody Allen and, you know, Noam Chomsky and Bill Gates, but it was about the women and the fact that he was so good at having them always around. And, you know, I'm not saying all these guys were having sex with the underage women. I think he was, but they didn't. They were certainly able to overlook that because they were taking care of as well. That's very interesting. It is. I like the thing about that. Yeah, that's what it is. That's what it is. It's, you know, I'm not doubting it. You look like, you know, you're kind of a rugged, good-looking guy who probably was always like, you know, they're women always wanted you like if you, like I say, women probably didn't always want you. No? Are you sure? Yeah, no. I'm sure you didn't just miss it because when I was younger, I was actually quite good-looking and I didn't think that. And so I just missed it. I think I probably missed a few. That's probable. That's probable. You hit one in the rough every once in a while. I know. But then you got to drop the ball where you think it, you know. You don't want to cheat at that moment. It's interesting. Because people do cheat at that moment, don't they? When they put where the ball lies. Yeah. Isn't that a big opportunity to cheat? Like if your ball's in the rough, where are you supposed to drop the ball? I mean-- Oh, yeah. Well, then in a club, there's rules to where you drop. Where are those rules? It depends. If you went into an out-of-bounds area or if you're just to loss ball, you're supposed to go one club length back into play and then drop it between them. So if you hit it like into the rough on the side and like it was rainy there and so it's under a bunch of like mud and wet leaves. But you can see it? You can see it. And you got to play it. You have to hit that ball out of the mud and the mire. It depends. Sometimes you do-- There may be a rule now where if the ball is truly plugged and you can only see like the top white part of it, you may get some relief there. Who decides that? The course official, but that's an internament. If it's you and your guys or you and your-- You and the boys-- Forget it. Yeah, then you just get it, fluff it out of there a little bit. So what if you can't see it at all? First of all, if you can't see it, how did you find it? Well, if you can't find it, if you can't see it, it's a lost ball, then you have to take a penalty. But where do you drop the ball? One club length in. From where? From the out-of-bounds steak. There's white steaks all along. So it's one club length inside that. And then what do you hit like a two-iron from there? Whatever. But the way the math works is, like I say, it's a t-box. You go the way I-- one out. So I hit one out. Two comes back in. That's my drop. And now I'm hitting three from there. So that's how you count. And it normally would be one, two, to the green. But now it's three to the green. Could you ever have double figures on a whole? Yeah, of course. Really? Of course. Oh, yeah. In the beginning. Oh, in the beginning. Yeah, you suck. You suck back. Like you're like an 11 on one whole. Yeah, but at some point, you just pick it up. Because it's obnoxious. You know, like there's people behind you. You know, the pace of play outweighs the amount of strokes you need to get, you know? And, you know, the general rule is, if it's a par four and you have an eight, pick it up. No more strokes after that. Do people actually say, can I play through? Oh, yeah. That's a real thing. Yeah. And why is that like the end? Because they only have one or two people in their group. And you have a four or five people in your group. And is the addicts in two always say yes? Really? You let them through. If you're playing slower than they are, they're going to overtake you. Rather than make them wait for your-- you get to a par three. Usually it's at par threes. You get on to the green and you wave them on. And then they'll hit, come up, put out real quick. They move onto the next hole. You guys finish yours and they keep going. And one, if you don't do this, what is the repercussions? Are you-- is it-- The bad form. It's just bad form. And then what happens? There's a lot of stairs, a lot of fuck yous, a lot of-- Fuck you? Yeah, yeah. That's what-- That's not about the 19th hole now, right? Generally, yeah. But you've seen these videos. I'm sure online of these golf fights-- these golf fights have happened all the time. Golf fights. That's not because the guys get hammered. They get drunk. And then some guys not playing fast enough. To my point about not a sport. If you can get drunk while you're doing it, OK, can you see that with the Bob sledding that's going on now? I mean, actually, with that one, you can. Yeah, if you'd mind, well, yeah, if I could be better drunk. I mean, you're just lying in this thing while you risk your life going on. It even looks like the guy in the back is taking a cat nap all of a sudden. Yeah. Other than the rattling. Yeah. I know that's not true, by the way. I'm very proud of our Bob sled team. I'm sure they're doing a good job. Rob, you fought for this country. Stop apologizing for the cat. I can't. You don't lie, because I'm going to live in Hollywood. And they seduced you into this bullshit. No, because I have a kid in college and a kid going to college. And I got a mortgage, and I got an ex. And daddy's got to pay the bills. And when they're out there head hunting, you sit there and go, did I just make fun of the Bob sled team? I better take that back. But you know what? Canceling. It has, first of all, working sucks. It always did. Always. And I-- It's unjust. And I've always taken shit from the left for talking against their cancel culture. Not that it's only on the left, because the right does it also. Absolutely. So there are a bunch of fun-- Well, that's the new toy for everybody is cancel. It's a cancel wand. OK, but just throw it at everybody. I think we passed the peak of that culture. So, yeah, people are seeing how the folly of it. Many lots of people who were supposedly canceled actually came out better. They did. Look at Shane Gillis, people who they tried to make go away. Because I think you can see through. So those people can see if someone is truly hurtful, or if they're just making a joke. And most people can tell the difference. How many medals do you have? Over 22. OK. This is just my advice. I don't know you. I never met you before this. I always loved your work. You have everything you're in. You make better. Thanks. You're like one of those character, comedy characters. Like, when you show up, it's like, OK, at least this will be funny. That's very nice of you to say. It's so true. No, you're very kind. It's so true. Thank you. But I think you'd be better off, even with the mortgage and the X and all that, to be like, just take the opposite tack. Like, I fought for this country. I have 22 medals. Shut the fuck up about whatever my opinion is about. Bob's letter. Well, I agree with that, I earned it. Yeah, I'll say whatever I want to say. I earned it. Unlike you, fucking sender. I do, I feel emboldened to talk about Bob's letting know. [ Laughter ] But thank you, but not the luge. We don't go there. -I don't touch the luge. -No, no. -I'm not -- Rob, I'm not unreasonable. [ Laughter ] I'm strongly opinionated. I'm not -- -But you're not crazy. -Reeze, I'm not crazy part. Of course, we don't go near the luge. -Luge, whatever it is. -What do you think of that speaking of women athletes that skater who, you know, it's like Jake Paul's wife? You know, she -- Oh, is she a speed skater? She's -- Well, I think she's a skater. She's a quite a hot one. -Oh, yeah? -Yeah. I mean, I think she's -- I think she's dutch. I think she's skating for dutch land, you know what I mean? The Netherlands. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Boy, Pot really makes you forget the name of countries. -But dutch land. -That goes back. -Beautiful. All the Olympic athletes, men and women, they're all hot. They're the prime of their life, and they're in peak physical condition. -You know, they grow. -Then they sell out of condoms out there in their Olympic village, you see them? -I was just going to say three days. I mean, they provide condoms for the Olympic village, and in three days, they were gone. -Well, how do you expect them not to be? These guys and girls, both, are prime athletes. They're burning, like, 3,000 calories a day just sitting there. You know, they are amped up. They're in the prime of their life, and they see each other, and they're like, "You're an athlete. I'm an athlete." It's got to be electric. The energy coming out of that Olympic village is got to be tremendous. Sex, at its best, is an athletic performance. I mean, among other things, obviously, it's not just that. -Yeah. -But, I mean, I feel like it's an athletic performance. I feel like it's a symphony orchestra presentation, even though no one is there to hear it. -Yeah. -You know, it's an oratorio that you perform once, and it's somehow the same music, but you're doing it differently. You know, much like people who do a Broadway show for 3,000 performances have to somehow find a way. Can you imagine that? Have you ever done a show like a Broadway? I've done not Broadway, but I've done shows, yes, where. -You're doing the same thing every night. -And you've got to find that same energy level and that same commitment and that same passion and that same. -It's so hard. -Yeah. It's unbelievably draining. I did a Broadway show for three weeks, three weeks, maybe a month. In 2003, got nominated for a Tony one-man show. Thank you so much. Lost that one, like all the other ones. But it was my own material, and I couldn't stand doing it. Like, I. When I did the road. -I remember this one. -Yeah, it was called. -I was living in New York at the time. -Yes. When you ride alone, you ride with Ben Laden. It was all about the war on Terra. -We had just been attacked in 9/11. -Yes. -And. -No, it was quite well received. -It's fantastic. Thank you. It was quite well received. But first of all, I had to do, you know, Broadway is brutal. You get one day off Monday. -Yeah. You have to do two shows on Saturday and Sunday, a matinee, and then the show at night, two days in a row. The matinee on Saturday was 1 p.m. I'm not up at 1 p.m. I do, like, get out of bed and immediately start drinking. To get into the kind of shape I would need it to be in to do that show. -And Broadway too? -Yeah, you're in the furnace. My mother was at one of those shows, at a matinee. And one of the punchlines was. I won't go through the whole thing, but it was. Come on, my face. And I was just like, "I can't." My mother is in the audience, and I have to do the punchline that was about mutual fan. People talked about mutual fantasies. There's no fantasy where a guy runs across a meadow to a woman with open arms and then comes on her face. You know, that was the joke, okay? And, you know, it's just 1 p.m. me, my mother there. -Yeah, it was just brutal. -Not brutal, like, war. I did a show one time. I was out doing my shows and David tell, "Hey, I'm playing the Midland in Kansas City." -That's a funny guy. -We opened. And I was like, "Yes, my god, yeah. It's my hometown or whatever." So I called my folks, and they're the sweetest midwesterners you've ever met in your life. -I thought what I've heard. -And I said, "Hey, I'm going to be coming in to. I'm going to open for this guy." And, you know, if you want to come to the show, please do, but just understand that I cuss a lot. And, you know, I'm kind of prepping the field for them, so they're not caught off guard. And then my dad says, "Hey, we're all here." I said, "Well, who's all?" He was, "Well, mom invited the Sunday school class." And that's a legit thing that happened. And I went out there and I knew I was like, "Well, I can't change my act. It's a song. You know, you learn the song in a certain way. I'm not going to go out there and change the lyrics now." -Why should you? -Exactly. And I warned them. -How to go. -It was great. -Right. -Great night. -Because who's more repressed than looking to laugh than religious people, of course. -And they had a great night. They all had a great night. -Biggest freaks in the world or the Mormons. -Yeah. And they loved, they loved Dave. They loved him. -Absolutely. -He's really dirty. -And he brought it. So, you know, great stuff. I love that. But I also remember those two shows, like, you know, two shows on Friday, two shows on Saturday, one show on Thursday, maybe one show on Sunday. Plus, you have to do all the radio promo on Wednesday and Thursday all day. -Ah. -Oh. -That's just. -You can start thinking about it. -No, I'm just thinking I paid my dues. -Yes, you did. -Like, did I go to wherever you were, Kosovo, or wherever the fuck you were, fighting for your country, winning those 22 medals, Bob Sled people? But I paid my dues in my way, you know, like, those were not happy nights. -There's a hard. -Three shows. Three shows. You can't remember what you said in either one of the other two shows. You have to, like, keep this set list in your mind. So straight because your half of your mind is saying, "I just said this to the same crowd." -Right. -And the other half of your mind is saying, "No, you didn't. Just do it because I'm telling you you didn't just do this in this show." -Yeah. -It's just such a mind-fuck. -Yeah. And three. I never. I don't think I ever did three in one. -Oh, I didn't, many times. -Not done some 1 a.m. like shows for drugs. You know, like, you know, "Think the gig wherever you can get it." -No, I think. -Because I was at the height. -Three in a night. -Yeah, that's because I was. This was the '80s when it was the height of the comedy boom. So comedy clubs realized they could sell out easily on a Saturday night. They could probably do six shows on a Saturday. -So would you do a 7-9 and a midnight? -7-39, 30 and 11-3. -Wow, they do. -Absolutely. And it was just like, "Wow." And this is sometimes for $250 for the week. But now, okay, let me ask you this. Because you know, anybody who went through, especially the time when you were really out there grinding. I mean, that was really the height of it. That was the. Like you said, it was kind of a golden age in a way. -In a way. -But. When you look back on it and you. Do you think about the pain and the misery, or do you have a kind of a longing and a fondness for it? It's funny. Sometimes I go to the comedy store now, to just a watch. -Yeah. -No, they always, when I walk in, they were like, "You want to go up?" I'm like, "I don't even go on the road anymore." -Right. -I stopped that last year, after all those years. But I miss it, but I'm glad I did make that decision. But I just go in, it's a fun thing to do. Like, there's not that many things to do. I'm not going to go to a movie. So, you know, you're done with dinner, you don't want to go home. "Oh, let's go to the comedy store." If they're bad, it's interesting. And if they're good, it's interesting. It's, it's kind of a no lose. And I'm also, and sometimes, honestly, scouting new talent in a way. And, but when I watch it, I am overcome with this idea of, "Wow, I did this." 'Cause I wouldn't want to do it now. -Yeah. -It's rough. -It's rough. -Why is it rough? Why is it rougher? First and first of all, it's not your crowd. It's a crowd. The last 35 years, or 30 years, anyway, since I've been on TV every week. It was my crowd. It's people who bought tickets to see Bill Mar. -Right. -These people bought tickets to see comedy in general. -Got it. -It's not, you don't know what they want. And they just, and you have to follow 12 other guys. It's funny, when you watch four or five of them in the row, it's like, "Oh, there's the perfunctory gay joke." Like, we all know what the well is, where you can always go to that well. And if you're the fifth guy to do it, it doesn't work. You know, it's just, it's brutal in so many ways. And you watch these people who are, you see this willingness to put up with so much pain, you know, of rejection, because they want it so much. And of course, I was that person. I put up with that same pain. But to watch it now and realize. "Yeah, that was me, but boy, I wouldn't want to do it now." And I know exactly what they're going through. And it's interesting, and sometimes they're just great. And sometimes it's just painful. And sometimes they're great one night and painful the next time I see them. They're still learning their craft from them. Right, and it's a different crowd. Now it's 120 in the morning. (laughing) And these people saw those jokes 10 times. So I remember doing my show on my set, and in some places it murdered it to join. I was like, "Ah, this is my call, this is my course." And then I learned, it's an education. It's a whole process because I would take that and I would go to somebody would say, "Hey Rob, you want to do this charity event?" "Yeah, sure, I'll pop it, I'll help out." And I would do my club act for this. Not knowing, "Hey, someone's going to pull me," somebody needed to pull me aside and say, "Hey, hey, hey, hey." So here's how this works. Well, I could, I could. The way I learned is by people wanting to kill me. Well, I kind of told you. I didn't know. The worst? I didn't know. The worst. The worst is charity. Yeah. I fucking hate charity. All right, don't take that out as a sound bite. (laughing) What I meant to say is charity events are the worst. Because the people who go to charity events feel like they're very good people. Doing a very good thing. So they are the most politically correct audience in the world, which is the absolute enemy of comedy. And then they want to mix you in with music. Yeah, that's true. They want to mix you in. We got a whole mix bag. We thought we'd have some comedy, and then we'd have this. We'd have that. And sometimes they introduce you before they have a whole thing about what the charity is, which is something super sad. Okay, enough film of people having their legs blown off. Now a funny guy. Yeah. And hear it for the yucks. Put your hands together. (laughing) You come out with eyes like sauce. And what the fuck does that? Yeah, it's just not good. Though I, it's so funny. I one time I came out and was doing this event, a charity event. And people were still coming in to the venue. Coming in to the, it was a sit down. It was dinner, you know. I heard dishes clinking and, you know, all this going on and people talking and bob. Yeah, have you met Susan yet? Susan, this is Bob Johnson, he works over. I can hear their conversations as I'm trying to, you know, I got one table that's looking at me. Everybody else is just milling around, talking, smile, chatter. It was a hot fucking mess, man. That was funny. 40 years ago, when I first started, and I was offered some charity events, I would always say, you know, or if they would ask for money, I would say, I would do any amount of time not to have to give you money. Now, I would say, I would give any amount of money. Not to do it. Not to have to give you time. That's a single amount of time, okay? Yeah. Yeah. It's tough. And I haven't been out on the road in, you know, 15 years, probably. Really? Yeah. Well, I don't know that's too long. It's been 10 years. But I haven't done any stand-up in 10 years. But I get asked to do it. And I'm always like, oh, you know, guys, I don't have it. I don't have a set. I don't have any material. That would be impressive. If you wanted me to do it, I have to sit down and really construct something. You got it. So I say, I can give you a speech. I can maybe do a Q&A, because then I can improv a little. I can have some fun. That's the ticket. So that's what I'm willing to do. And I'll do that still anytime. No, I only quit a year ago. Yeah. And I get the same thing. I get offered. And I'm like, you don't understand. You have to be in practice. Just like saying, want to play Quarterback next week after you haven't in a year? Well, that may be OK for Philip Rivers. He did it. He did. But for most of us, it's just, no, I have to be in shape. I have to have an act. I have to know my act. Yes. I can't just, and I'm not going to just half-ass it and walk on stage. But you're right. The Q&A thing solves that problem. Yeah. You know, just have somebody interview me and-- I have fun. I have fun. Yeah. And it generally works. Because the audience is interested to hear-- Yeah. --and funny lines will come out. Totally. It just not stand up. That's a whole different thing. And it's, to me, the highest level. Yeah. But so because it's the highest level, don't ask me to do it unless I'm in shape to do it. But so you started when you were still on the military? Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. I got to New York. That is not the typical. No. Yeah. I started when I was-- What rank were you? I was a captain. I was a captain at the time. A captain? Yeah. In the Marines? Going out to comedy clubs? Mm-hmm. That's amazing. Yeah. In uniform. No, no. I'm kidding. [LAUGHTER] Although it would have set you apart. I mean, I had the high-and-tight haircut. I was, you know, I don't know what they thought of me, you know. But-- Did you tell them about that? No. It wasn't party or act? It wasn't. There's some-- You're too modest about that. Yeah. I--I didn't do that. But I-- I did the upright citizens brigade. I found them. I started doing stand-up. I didn't like it. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be. I wasn't any good at it. The guy that was-- I took a class at stand-up in New York on the upper east side. Or excuse me, a comic strip live on Upper East. And he was three jokes per minute, set-up punch, set-up punch. That's how we do it. I said, "Well, I grew up watching Netty Murphy. And I want to be a storyteller." And none of that is-- Three jokes per minute, set-up punch, set-up punch, set-up punch. So I tried to write five minutes of set-up punch, set-up punch, set-up punch. This is not how I do it. I'm not-- Right. You know, I don't do that. So I wrote shit material. And that was my first set. And I got up and I did it. I hated it. I hated the whole experience. I had more stage fright than I ever anticipated. Because it was-- I felt like I was in a car accident. I felt like I was in shock. When I was done, I actually tried to run out of the theater. I didn't hear any laughter. And so I was stepping on any laughter there was. Because I just wanted to get over the five minutes. This is my first time ever. And as I was heading out of the chemistry of the guy, he goes, "Hold on a second. Hand in me my VHS tape that they make of you." And when I got home, my adrenaline had cooked off. I put the tape in. And it wasn't that bad. It wasn't as bad as I thought. It was still shit. It was garbage. But it wasn't as bad as I remember it. Well, it's your background. I remember David Brenner. Yeah, of course. And he was great. And he got a great career. And he was a great guy. And I remember him talking about-- he was a producer for years before he became a stand-up comic. And he grew up on the mean streets of Philadelphia. And his explanation to comedy was, "Well, you know, when you walk down the street, and you know that anytime somebody could walk out some from anywhere and hit you over the head with a baseball bat, comedy is not that scary. I can't imagine that it isn't somewhat the same for you. The comedy couldn't have been scarier than the military." It wasn't scarier than certain things. But it was scarier on another level. Like I say, scarier. Yeah. Scarier. I'm always right, Rob. You have to understand. It just takes me a minute. That's right. It's a different kind of fear. It is a different kind of fear. That's all. But it's still real, and it's still. It's very real. And it still paralyzed me because I hadn't been exposed to that. I hadn't faced that demon down yet. And so when it happened to me, I was really kind of not disgusted with myself, but shocked by how afraid I was. For something that doesn't actually hurt you either physically or if you're strong enough emotionally, it is amazing how hard it is for people to even imagine how awful it would be to stand in front of a room full of people who are rejecting you in every way. Every way. I mean, sometimes it's just by not making any noise. Sometimes it's. It's their facial expression. It's just. Your eyes. Just no, you're not connecting. There are arms. Yeah. Right. I mean, all the kids are there that I don't approve of you. Well, it's just. You know, laughter is involuntary. That's the great thing about it, and the harsh thing about it. It's involuntary. So when you get it, you know it's real. You can't fake it. That's why it's satisfying so deeply. The biggest stars in the world. I've seen, like, back in the day, when I used to introduce Rodney Dangerfield, for example, he was a giant star. He would go on stage, it catch your rising star, and, of course, the crowd would go not 20 walked on stage. Two minutes in, if you're not actually making them laugh, they're looking at him exactly like you're talking about Mr. Nobody, just like, I'm sorry, but I can't fake this laugh. I could for a minute. Yeah. Because you're Rodney Dangerfield. Right. And then I just can't. It's just not in the human being to do it. Right. You know? So if you're not saying something, and that's what we kind of want, we love the honesty. Yeah. I think stand up is the purest art form, because it is you. The comedian. Right. It is a microphone. Absolutely. And it is an audience. There's no directors, no producers, no buyer beside yourself. There's no body armor. And there's nobody's going to come and save you. Right. No one's going to. No? No. It is a high-wire act, and it is also. It's so pure. Because when you are winning. Yes. It's the greatest feeling on earth. I think we can agree we are the best kind of people. I think we can. Somebody who gets it. Thank you, Robert. We are the best couple. If we are, I mean we are doing the thing that is mono-amano. -Yeah. -You know, again, no armor, no protection, no help from the wings, no technology involved, right? -No technology involved. -Yeah. You know what technology we use? Electricity. -That's it. -Okay, you got me on that one. -Yeah. -The mic is plugged in. -But that's why it's so cool. -I know. I once in a while I have said, "Is this on?" Which I did my first night. I did. I think we've also -- -Oh, God. I think it was -- I don't know what -- I was cooking on something. Just -- I just wanted off that stage so bad. And then I found the UCB. I ran into Dave Keckner, who was a friend of a friend, and he said, "Well, what are you doing?" Because I was like, "I'm trying to do comedy." I gave up flight school to do this, and now I'm -- You know, I think I made a big mistake because I went and did it. I hated it. And he's like, "Well, have you thought about improv?" I was like, "No, they don't have an improv scene here." You know, they had Chicago City limits over there by scores. And, you know, that was it. And it was short for them, which I didn't understand. You know, I'm not good at singing songs or whatever. So I was like, "I don't know." He said, "No, no, it's long for them." Like, they do it second-city in Chicago. It's good stuff. It's the UCB. It turned out to be Amy Poler, Matt Walsh, Ian Roberts, and Matt Besser. So I was like, "Okay. Well, these guys are -- you know, I went and saw their show, and I was blown away." I was like, "They're making this up." I felt like it was scripted, you know? That's how good it was. So then I started taking classes there. Did their whole program for years when I was on the daily show, John Oliver and I shared an office, and he's a great stand-up. So he said, "Come with me. Let's go do some clubs." And I was like, "I don't know. I tried to beg off, and you're going to have it." So I went, and I was like, "I don't have anything." And you did one year on SNL? Yeah. There's quite an impressive roster of one-years. Yeah. I mean, there is. I'm not saying that the roster of people who actually were on SNL for a while and became stars, and there isn't also very impressive, very -- I mean, I have no love for SNL for different reasons, but I can't ever try to front and say that the pipeline of comedy into movies and culture from SNL has been nothing. There's just no precedent for it. There's nobody ever like dominated a field as much. Yeah. You get off the floor on the 17th floor at 30 Rock. That's where the offices are. Yeah. And they have cast photos starting in '75. And then they have singular headshots all the way down the hall of every cast member. And I remember walking, you know, when I first got there, seeing all the cast, you know, I was like, "Oh, my God, I remember those. I remember that cast. I remember that cast." And you start walking on the hall and you're like, "Oh, my God, this -- This is everybody I've ever watched. It feels like my whole life." Yes. And it is. But it's also the case that the people that they didn't know how to use is also a rather impressive roster. Yeah. So what is your memory of that year? Why didn't it work out? Listen, I had it as a goal of mine for years. Don't know -- I just made that decision a long time before I won't bore you with the story. But it was something I decided while I was in flight school that I was going to try to do this. In a flight school, you're going to be a terrorist. No, I was going to be a Naval Aviator. OK. But -- Well, so you say. Yeah. I had my pilot sizes. I could fly. But anyway, I wanted to be on SNL. It was a dream of mine. When it finally happened, I was incredibly grateful. And I was so -- I'm always grateful for that year I had on the show. What year was it? 2004-2005. And here's the thing. I was the only guy -- Big peak. That's what I like, everything. Who else was on that year? Who are you with? Oh, let's place. That's a big cat. Let's place this. I was the only -- I was the only -- I was the only new guy hired on a cast of -- I think it was 15. 15? Yeah. Like who? Amy Poler, Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Maya Rudolph, Seth Meyers, Will Forte, Horatio Sands, Kenan Thompson, Phines Mitchell, Darryl Hammond was there. What? Oh, man. Gosh. What? Very, very talented. There was a very talented -- Very talented. Yeah. It was a giant pool. I don't believe it's someone else, I know. Of course it grew. That is a giant pool of talent. Yeah. And I was the only guy hired that year. So I didn't have anybody in my, quote, "Freshman class." You know? I don't know. But they didn't like me as much as -- Here's what. I think I read it here. I'm saying to me, here's what was explained to me. And I'll take it because it helps me sleep at night. But in two -- in election years, late-night TV, especially SNL, gets a huge bump. Right. Because everybody tunes in to see the fake debates. Me too. You know, right? You know. Uh, that particular election, it was Bush Carey. Nobody cared. Yeah. Nobody cared. Nobody tuned in. Will Ferrell wasn't there anymore doing Bush. Right. So, I went to Forte, and it was Seth Meyers as Carey. And for whatever reason, nobody tuned in. And so, from what I understand, the executives at NBC, you're going to hit the panic button, and they clean house. And so, I was the last one in first one out. That sounds exactly like how show business works. So -- I took them to Facebook just when they said that, you know, because I didn't have one of the producers call me after the fact and say, "Hey, Rob, you know, you had a good year, but here's what -- here's what -- I think, you know, here's what happened." Okay. So, I was like, "I took him. I believe him." All right, Colonel. Well, thank you for your service. One more thing for you. I've been done in this in a while, but it was always my favorite thing to do. This is a pile of New Yorker cartoons. Do you read the New Yorker? I have. And I don't. But the cartoons are awesome. Yeah. They have two things in there -- 40,000 word articles about electricity and really funny cartoons. Yeah, okay. I'm kidding. That's a great publication. Over 30 years, I cut out the cartoons that I thought were really funny. So these go back 30 years. Oh, my gosh. Maybe I was wrong at times, but I -- at the time, I thought they were all wrong. It struck you. So here's my bit. You pick up one. Yeah. You describe it. Yeah. And then you read the caption. Now, if you don't describe it, well, the caption is not going to land. Okay. You see what I'm saying? All right. So you do one and I do one. Or you want me to do one first? Yeah. Okay. I'll do -- okay. Got -- I don't know. That's too big. It was like a -- okay. All right. Here's -- I love it. I love that it hurt a guy. This is a guy -- just a normal guy talking to his normal wife in the middle of their living room. He's putting an envelope in one hand in a piece of paper another, and like this, and he's the caption is, "I've been selected to pay another electricity bill." Okay. This is why I like cartoons, and many people don't. They're just kind of -- they're very subtle. I like it. I've been selected to pay another electricity bill. You see? Okay. One. Okay. There's one on the other side too. Oh, there is? Okay. That's what you've got a choice. Okay. Look at that. That's the Daily Double. Okay. There is a man at a restaurant, lots of paintings on the wall. It almost looks like sardis on Broadway, kind of. Okay. There -- it appears to be a Truman Capote-looking gentleman or woman I can't tell, reading the menu in a waiter, getting ready to take the order, and it says, "I'll have the weird O's lunch." (laughter) Let me see if you got that correctly. Well, the -- okay, Truman Capote -- look at the glasses, look at the brown face. Look at the brown face. His head is an egg. Look at the hair. It has no hair. Right. There's a button up there somewhere. There's a thing -- it's like an egg with little dark sunglasses and a sprout coming out. It looks like a corn crop out of his head. Right. He doesn't look like -- Truman Capote -- and we're -- he's sardis. Sorry. It's all the paintings on the wall. There's three paintings, and you don't even see where it's in them. I think I nailed it. I feel like I nailed it. Thank you, Bill. This was such a pleasure. I'm going to do it for a long time. I have, too, and I really appreciate letting me come on. It was really nice. It was really nice to meet you. Did we miss any plugs? No, no. I got a book, so thanks for putting it mentioned that. Oh, yeah. Let's do it that again. Rob Riggle. (laughter) Gret Spitt had never quit the -- the whole book is about how he gets to tell the wolf, "Fuck you. I served my country." All right. Thank you, Rob. (laughter) Thank you so much. All right, then. It was a pleasure. It was so much fun. So, do you -- do you have to go -- now, do you have to go do real time? Not well. Tomorrow, but I got to go. I got to go. I got to know.