Risky Behaviour in Teens with Phinnah Chichi

The important thing is for us to understand our triggers. Yes, there are things that are going to get upset, understand our triggers, and then decide what to do with it. The reason why our emotional regulation is so vital is because we are teaching them, we are modeling to them how to regulate their own emotion. (upbeat music) What do I do? (laughing) Open, get it, get it. (laughing) Okay, we are so excited to have Aunt Vina, Chi Chi, as a parenting consultant and coach who specialize in supporting parents of twins and teens. That's us as they guide their teens through the challenges and changes of the adolescent years and ways where they both grow together to avoid the break in relationships that are all too common that is exactly the time. And right now it is that feeling where we no longer have our babies anymore and there's definitely a breakdown and we need help. You need help growing together. Yes, that's the key, that's the key. I guess the, no, thank you. I guess the question for a lot of parents is it, have they always been reactive? Like our emotional regulation, is this something that we start with at a young age or does it amp up when there are teenagers? And we've lost the plot because the behaviors are bigger and our reactions can't get any bigger because when they spoke milk we lost our minds and now they're, you know, sneaking behind our backs. So what is that? - So they're two things. So the reactions have always been there because what we've, we learned those reactions from when we were growing up and from all the adults that we had when we were growing up. But it was kind of suppressed because we didn't need to use it all the time because as children when they were much younger, they're kind of going with the flow. Yes, they may have some rough patches, feel milk, not do their homework, all those little things in comparison to nowadays teenagers. Now in the second part is the teenage brain. The teenage brain is doing a lot more in the teenage years and parents are feeling out of control because we can't control them the way we used to control them before. And that's where the reaction it's now amplifying more because we're trying to hold onto that control. We're trying to get back that baby that we were all kind of cuddling and all that stuff. But that baby is no more here. That baby now has a focus on their friends who kind of are more, that they feel that what their friends think about them is actually more important than what we feel about them. So their brain is in that mode and it's going to continue in that mode for a while because that part of their brain, the logical part of their brain is still developing. It's still going to happen until they're about 25. Also, yes. - You know, I just think it's important for people to understand when they hear the word control. Like I am not control. I was never controlling or parents who, what can we define me or give an example of what control might look like when they were younger and what it might look like now for a change in their parents? - Awesome, great question. So control is, when they were younger, you direct them to do things and that was a normal language. Okay, can you go do this? Go and do that. You're just expecting them to go and do it there and then that's the expectation. Now, what happens is in the teenage years, that control now needs to shift to collaboration. So you still have a bit of control, but now I actually determined more of influence than control. Because with control, you're dictating, okay, go and do this now. I would like you to do this now. In the teenage years you're asking, when do you have the time to get this done? I'd love to see these things done. Where would you have the time to get it? The reason you want to now do more collaboration with them is you also want to help them develop get critical thinking. So if you ask them, yeah, if you ask them, when are you gonna do it? Then you give them the chance to think, okay, I'm not gonna do it at two o'clock. Maybe I'll do it around six. You're helping them develop that critical thinking and decision making skill that they need. Because if we expect them to do things as soon as we want them to do things like we did when they were younger, what happens is they don't build that skill of making decisions, they go to school, they have negative peer pressure, they jump on it, because they haven't built the skills to think first, like okay, you're telling me to do this thought ball. Really, should I really do it? Or no, you know, they haven't got that space to feel through. You are the first expert to give us the reason why you need to be the collaborator, not the controller, and it makes some, when there's a reason for it because we're so afraid to let it go, it makes so much sense. Every parent is like, what age do I need to start collaborating? Or is there an, can you tell us when there's seven years and nine months of time? Like, what if there was like a real time? I know. I know, and the funny thing is that the teenage brain is now, like the teenagers are now starting to be true even earlier than teens. 11 to 12 year olds are already beginning to think like teenagers and act like teenagers. So in the past, I would have told you from 11, from 13, but now I'm actually even pushing it a bit further now to about 11, 10, 11 is when we start, but we start it in bits. They don't just, they're still developing, so we can't give them all the control. We start it in bits and bits and so that they then see the responsibilities they have because what I tell my young, my teenagers as well, is that, okay, you're 13 now, guess what? Okay, bedtime is gonna change. You know, let's talk about what's the, you know, what bedtime should be or when we should take off the phones and stuff like that. I don't tell them, okay, nine o'clock phones are all off. No, it's a collaboration thing. So you connect with them, you say, okay, what time should the phones come off? It gets what they're gonna say, 12 midnight. Typical, isn't it? We all laugh about it. Oh, please get real, I tell them, get real, get real, you know, and then they'll say 11, 13 and what? Is that negotiating? I'll say 10, I'll say no, mom, what about 10, 30? So, okay, what about 10, 15? You negotiate till you get to a portable stage and your 10, 10 o'clock may be your limits, but because they keep negotiating myself, okay, five minutes, five minutes past 10, and then you guys agree on it. There, you guys have negotiated. You've helped them build that negotiate and skill. We need our children to know how to negotiate. Oh my gosh, I mean, that's just a life skill when they get out of the house. That's because you're gonna have to do all the time. Excellent. You know, what's hard is that, you know, when you have to, you say like you build a little bit, like starting early, is that sometimes it's hard as a parent because it's like, we know we're available to do a lot of things for them. And sometimes we have to force ourselves to let them do it on their own. Even though, or like, but we just wanna take them there, just want that, like, what, like, do we want on their, like give it, like, give it so, like, one example for me is that I like, I know I am available to drive my kid to school, let's say. Or I know I'm available to make them lunch or breakfast. And I easily could, but I feel like I have to get them to do it, even though I'm sitting right there, because if I don't get them to build that independence, the first time they're gonna have to do it is when I'm no longer there, or they're living another city. And that's a really late to have learned those skills. - So silly. - It's really hard at the mom sometimes to just step back and say, I can do it, but I need you to learn how to do it. - Yeah, we've got to think in this stage of, of motherhood, we've got to think of the long term. That's the way to parent them today. You're looking at them today, but your mind is about them and the future. That's the way, if you look at it with a bigger picture in mind, then you're able to deal with those feelings, 'cause those are natural feelings, we're very nurturing. We want to help them, we want to get things done very fast. If I help her to do this, well, it will be faster, we can all move on. But we've got to look at the bigger picture. Because life to be easier for them when they grow up. - Of course, we want them to be capable of what, by the time they leave, and I think another thing when you're talking about telling them what to do, like nine o'clock phones are done. You're like, if you say nine, and then they say 12, and then you end up coming somewhere in the middle, except for some parents, they're like, I didn't want them to win. I wanted to be my way, and now they just won, and they just can't get over that. It has to be, it has to be, that's a lot of research. - You'll learn that, yeah. - It's gotta be, and it works. And that's why I keep telling parents, try it. I know why it's foreign to us. Because we didn't grow up with it. Personally, for me, who did me to start negotiating with my mom, but you know what, I did, you know? So we're not used to it. We didn't have it's modules to us. So it's not all that is a struggle for many parents to do it. But what we can now do is learn how to do it. - But if you're, if you've been doing it one way, right? So I have my control, let's just say I'm a control freak. Freakin, I have a 15 year old. And you know, when they don't do what I want them to do, and I get angry. So they do it. - Yes. - What I'm, that's cycle. How am I changing this all of a sudden? And why does my regulation, my anger matter? Like how do I, I really, it's a, it's a discourse response, right? - Yes. - How do I not get that response when it's a habit? And it's what I grew up with. What, how do I do this? - Yes. So it's a decision you need to make. So it's what, what I entertain to tell parents is that. It's been a habit that we've done. So it's very difficult to just say, okay, I'm changing. I'm not going to get angry anymore. - No, it's not going to happen. Or we say, I'm not going to be like my parents. I'm not going to be like my parents. I'm going to do it differently. It doesn't work. What we have to decide is, okay, this is it. I want to change because of, you have your own specific reasons. This is your reason. I want to change because of this. Instead of me to do this, I'm going to do this. So you already have the replacements that you're going to, for that situation, let's say for example, I get angry when they haven't switched off their phones on time. Okay, in that situation, what am I going to do differently? - Do we tell that? Okay, things are going to be different. - No. - Yes, yes, no, no. Yes, we should. We should, because what I do, what I tell parents is, let's tell them that, you know what? I'm learning. I've learned new things and I think it's going to work. - I love that. - Oh, I love that. - It's brilliant because I'm learning. Yes, because it encourages them as well to keep learning. Knowing that learning never stops. - You know, it's so funny sometimes I fall like, decide that I'm going to, you know, I've learned something and I'm bringing into the house. My daughter will be like, did you still laugh? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I dream of the point where you have to go to a wedding now. - And I tell her, you know, I did just learn something and it's going to work and it's going to be better for all of us. The other thing is I find sometimes when you get into a conversation with your teens and you're not intending it to be an argument and all of a sudden their voice tones like so rude that you in response are sort of like, I guess you're kind of mirroring it even if you don't need it. You think you're actually being like, this happens to me. I think I'm actually talking normal and she says to me, why are you yelling and starting a fight? And I'm like, I am not trying to start a fight. I'm just, you're being so rude and then turns into this thing and then she walks away to the, you just started a fight. I'm like, it was literally just trying to respond to the way you are reacting. Like, how do you, in that way, when you're, sounds like they're being irrational and you're just trying to, what you think sounds calm. How do you like, take it down? - Calm it down, yeah, yeah. So I encourage us not to even talk in that moment. So once you feel, let's, what works for parents? Keep checking your emotions. Keep checking how you feel. Just keep an eye on that. Once you feel yourself rising, getting frustrated about what they're doing, because that's normal. Our frustrations, our anger, it's very normal. There's nothing about wrong about it. It's what we then do or say in that moment that matters. So I encourage Paris, as soon as you feel your blood boiling, just kind of stay okay. Let's talk about this later. - I'm gonna be walking away every conversation. - It's okay, it's okay, because guess what? You're gonna come back to that conversation in a calma tone. That's when you're then going to be able to do the corrections. So you can say in the correction, I felt upset when you raised your tone at me. These are all in calma situations. Yeah, I felt upset when you raised your, your finger me. Sometimes I even tell them I felt hurt like, "ouch, that really hurts." So I'm saying, "I, that I statements." That really hurts when you said that. So I couldn't say anything much and I had to leave. But are we ready now? Can we talk about it? So you guys then talk about it. Tell them how you expect them. Because sometimes we assume that, oh, you spoke rudely to me, but then you don't tell them what to say in that situation. So I felt upset when you said that to me. I would prefer you if you had said that, that, that. And you give them the model of what you would have preferred. And you know, rather like we have a journal on, I feel like when you write it out to each other, like if you know what you have a moment to actually see what you're saying and digest it differently. And I feel like a journal is a great place. It's just between the kid and the parent. You can go back and revisit what you meant to say and how you intended to sound so you can go back. Is there, is there ever a time, appropriate to lose your bananas? Like is there ever, is that just never a good, it never is going to end well. So in an emergency, so let's say, for example, and we say this a lot for more about babies and stuff, you know, the babies going towards a hot screen. Oh, you know, so there's a kind of emergency that can happen where that reaction can happen. But the key about that is that after it happens, how do we repair? Because we don't want to go walking around like perfect people, because they're not perfect. And we're not even aiming to be perfect. So we all have times where we screen. I mean, the other day I had to like, when I saw my daughter's room, I was like, tomorrow, what's going on here? Like, whoa, and then I said, you know what? I need to leave your room, because I need to protect my mental health. Like, I room wasn't in the face. But you know what I mean? So, so there will be times where, whoa, that will happen. But then is how you get yourself back. And it's not leaving it too long. Because sometimes what we say in those times is what he's done the most. Because it's often the truth, the meanest truth, in a way that means it's not constructed feedback. It's a mean truth. It's a mean truth, exactly. And so that's the danger. Because what happens is that a lot of those mean truths have paled up in their minds. Has paled up and they, and teenagers are the, the early experts of assumptions, they will assume, oh, she said that because she didn't know me. She said that because she hates me. She said that because she prefers me to someone. She did, so they make all these stories up in their minds. And because we don't know those stories, so we don't counteract it. We don't defend it. They've made it up. And that's what they then act on. You're clotsily in a court. You didn't know you were in. In the, and they are the jury. They've made up their mind like, you are hard. And you know, it's in those moments. It's like, it's like when you, people get so mad. And then their truths all come out. It's almost like their anger and their heat in this is like a drunk person. There's just no tell for everything cause that. Why? Why did you think that as parents, we feel entitled to the reactions and anger toward, like, I'm trying to be great as a parent. What is our responsibility to emotional regulation to our teenagers? And like, why is it so important? Because I think that's what people mess is. Why do we take it so personal? And why is anger? Why did they anger us so much? I know. Yes. So the, the key is that they don't actually anger us. Where the ones that get angry, the anger is our choice. So that's the key. So the mindset shift is in that, even in that question, is the mindset shift where they don't anger us. We choose that anger is our choice. Because in that moment when we were triggered, we had a choice. So the important thing is for us to understand our triggers. Yes, there are things that are going to get upset, understand our triggers and then decide what to do with it. The reason why our emotional regulation is so vital is because we are teaching them. We are modeling to them how to regulate their own emotions. I go from everyone here is that. I hope everyone just said what you said. Because that is the, that is exactly that is. Well, you say it one more time so they can hear it as I said, the reason we need to work on our emotional regulation is because that's what we're modeling to them. We're teaching them that regulation one. They're not going to learn emotional regulation in school. The teacher is not writing on the board. This is how you regulate. It's not, that's not common. The first place they're going to learn emotional regulation is with us. Oh my gosh, it's our reaction. And you know what? I've seen, I've seen myself do things. And then literally the next day, I was my kid do exactly what I did. And unlike that, he did that because he thought that's how I reacted in that situation. Spot on. So the more we regulate our emotions, the more they start to regulate their emotions. Because they have a template. We're showing them the templates. You have a place where I think such a big problem is that is it because we want them to love us at the end? We feel unlugged. Or it's our issue that we feel like we're not doing a good job. So we want to make, we want to make them the way we think they should. Because I feel like what are some of the things that parents can check in with to be like, hey, I need to, I need to get right with what my triggers are. Like, I need to like fight. If you have a really tense house, I'm assuming the parent has some work to do. If there's a lot of arguing going on, yes, it's probably you that needs to do some work. Totally. And you don't, your question is so spot on because guess when he goes back to childhood. It all goes back to childhood. And there's a, there's a level of forgiveness and acceptance that we have to accept. For what our inner child went through. And he doesn't mean that everybody went through any kind of trauma or anything. But again, as children, we made assumptions as well. We made assumptions. I might, my dad died when I was five years old. No one told me what death was all about. So five year old feeder said my dad rejected me and he left me. He died. But no one explained to me. So that rejection was what I was what I grew up with. I feel rejected or they don't all accepted people, people pleasing so that no one else leaves me like the way my dad left me because again, no one explained to the five year old. So all of us have assumptions that we made when we were growing up. I want to be key things in parenting, especially parenting teenagers is our self care. How do we take care of ourselves in the mornings? What are your practices that you do to get yourself back to a level-minded person? So that when you then face the triggers and the issues in life in that day, you are kind of levelled up about it. I forgave myself. I said five year old feeder didn't know. I can't blame her. So I can't be chasing around people and, you know, jumping for friendships that are not needed just because I don't want to feel rejected. So each parent has something that they're still holding onto, that they need to release and releasing it through your daily practices. Self-care is so key because any little thing can then trigger us. We're trying to avoid that hurt that we had when we were young. And that's why our teenagers can so trigger us because if they don't do what we said we should do, we, subconsciously, we go back to our childhood. What did I, did I? I didn't get away with this kind of stuff. I don't really think they can get away with it. So much of that. I feel so much of that these days too, because we are kids are just so, you know, they're living a different life than we live, but the reason that we're treating it different now is because we've learned. I have a question. I've heard other people talk about it and I've heard it in my house too. When the kids say, that one is your favorite or they say, I'm your least favorite, do they actually think that and feel that or are they just looking for attention? If they say it often, do they believe it? Be too. Oh, great. Sorry, but they do, yeah, they don't, they don't say that out or just saying it. They've actually had a thought before. So a lot of time, our responses to those thoughts is very important. The first thing that many of us do is we dismiss it. Oh, you don't know what you're talking about. Oh, that's not true. Yeah. So the response we need is we need to finally date their feelings on that. Oh, I'm sorry. You feel that way. Oh, really? Do you feel that way? What do I do that makes you think that I favor the other person? Get into that conversation with them because that's what's going to break that assumption they have. If we just brush it to the side, I said, oh, you don't know what you're talking about. That's not true. I don't do that. We're just suppressing it, but we've not answered. We've not dealt with it. So I want to know, what is it that I do as making you think that and you did tell me what I do, then I can go and walk more on that and change that a bit because it's coming from some way. And I love those kind of comments where no young people, even when my team leader says, oh, mom, you never listen, since you told me I never listen, I never listen. I thought I was the listening expert. So we said, but what do I do to show you that I'm listening? Right. And she says, when I'm listening, that I always like I nod my head a lot so she knows I'm listening. So guess what? When I'm talking to her now, I've got my head more so that she understands that I'm listening. But my son on the other side, when I asked him that question, he said, I repeat what he has said to make sure that I understood that he's way of, he's, that's his listening language. And so now when I'm talking to him, I'm like, oh, really? So I just say that this, this, this, ah, okay, now I get it. So two of them, I talk to them in the way they understand that I listen because I don't want them to have that assumption that I don't listen. Therefore, they go and share issues with other people because they think, don't need to talk to mom because she's not going to listen. Yeah. And when they have, when they're little kids and they say things like that, it doesn't, like it doesn't, you don't feel it as much, but when they're getting older and they start saying those kind of things, you're like, I only have a little bit more time left with you to break that assumptions down before you take that away forever. And, and, and members, if you have your journal, I look literally, I will ask my kids, how can I be a better, like, what can I do differently to be a better mom? Like, it's hard to hear, but put it in your journal, write it down and see what they say because I feel like even letting them give you the space to say it is something that they're like really, and then they both tell you and you're like, okay, I will get better at doing that. Oh, my God. Absolutely. Yeah. I do that every year, every new year. I call my, I call my young, I call my, my children together and I say, what could have I done differently? Because every year, especially as they grow older, my, I've got to my, my, my older son is, my other son is in college, you know, in college, they have more time to think through of their childhood, they hear from other people, they get time to reflect. So every new year when we have our family meeting, I always ask them, what do you think I could have done differently? Wow. Yeah. I love that. I upset. Yes. What do you think I could have done differently? And then they will share. One said, the other, the other one will say, no, I didn't like it when, if that said something that you exchanged words back and forth, I said, okay, I'm sorry because I knew that even though he's 23, he's not, he's not talking as a 23 year old. He's talking to me as the eight year old, what he felt at that point. So I had to apologize to that eight year old. Also parents listening, the core memories they have will blow your mind because my daughter pulled out a comment about a bird and a grandmother and a, like, and I don't even remember where we were and she remembers the twinkies she was served and I felt like, what a, it kind of scared me because I'm like, oh my God, you have your own memories that aren't mocking. I was like, wait, I thought that was a pot, oh my God, you have experience of those side of me. So it's so interesting to also realize that, um, being a last question because you've been so generous with your time, what, um, as parents can we do, what does a trigger feel like? I think that's new for a lot of parents is, is not even knowing what's coming, um, and even we say trigger, they're like, sorry, I am too busy to think about what I am feeling. I am parenting. They are stealing and running out the door like, help me. What, what is that feeling that they can start to work on themselves that will change the relationships of the house. So the first, well, they're even going to catch that feeling is to have a reflection, reflective moments for themselves. So they kind of look back to their reactions. Okay, I was angry when he just came in and slammed the door. Okay, just think, think about that situation that made that made you angry. That's how you're going to pick the trigger in it. What about that situation got me angry? Okay. So situation and anger, situation and frustration, because if we don't, if we don't get those two things together, we will forget even the situation we already think of the anger that came with it. So get, let parents, parents do a reflective moment of, okay, I got really upset yesterday. Yes, there was not a good day. Go back. What happened? And then your anger. What happened? And then the frustration that you can then tidy two things. Why was I angry about that door that slammed? There are some assumptions we've made for that daughter's son. They were disrespectful. Maybe they thought I was nothing. Maybe they thought they shouldn't just get away with it. There were some thoughts that went through very quick thoughts that we didn't catch that didn't meet us react because those reactions come from the thoughts. And I, like right now, specifically thinking about time makes me really angry and I'm thinking about the few times and they have, they have one and one of the same things in common is that when I'm, when I am nice enough to go and drive you somewhere, something you want to do and your shit isn't ready. When I, when I told you what time we were going to leave, I can't handle next. Yeah. Exactly. Yes. Because it's almost like there's that you feel that they're not grateful for the, the sacrifice that you're making. You're expecting that sacrifice you're making to be rewarded with being on time, getting the things done. So that's because that meat is, is a, is a need that you've not gotten in that moment. And is that need that has triggered? Is that made that has triggered that thing? Yes. And in a calm moment, I could go back at, at a time we're not late and have, and let them know this is why I got, I get so upset in this time to avoid that all happening. And we back it up and get organized the night. Exactly. And it's got to be in a calm time. I had a parent two days ago that asked me, how can I connect with my 13 year old when he's angry, when we're all frustrated? I said, you can't leave connecting in that angry mode, leave connecting. Come back to it at a later time. In that angry mode, they can't think right. They're not using their logical side of the brain, so they can hear us. This can be done in advance, or later they don't have to be done. It's not an emergency. Oh yeah. I love that. Yeah. I love that. Where can people find you? Where can they, I mean, I want to move in with you on to you, or what is happening? You are, it makes so much sense. Yes. They can find you on the parenting team solutions. We've got an Instagram page, parenting team solutions, and then I've got my separate page. Vila Chi Chi. I shampooed parenting and just inspirational stuff on my page. I guess, you know, we have courses, we have programs that we do, and a lot of the information is on my bio. We're working on my website right now to add some more things to it. So, most of the information, I had a podcast, I've got a podcast. Yes. Sorry, I've got a podcast. Parenting institutions. We'll think that. Yes. We'll think that. We'll think that. Yeah, that is really. Oh. I can't wait. Thank you for everybody. Thank you. Oh, gosh. You make so much sense, and thank you for giving us the why. I think a lot of people miss that, so really appreciate your time and your insights, and I feel like a new, I feel I'm if you're integrated, like I'm ready to go for that. But I also feel like I've got a few things to do, coming in the new year, after the question, I got a backup. Okay. Oh, that's conversations. I got. And that's what parenting, that's what parenting is about learning, on learning and relearning. That's what it's about. Yeah. And it's okay to admit it. Chloe will give you all the money. Very okay. It's very, very okay. And it's things that they got, they get onto my daughter's 17, my son, she's 18. Well, I'm going to have to learn some things somewhere at a parent in her now. I need to learn them and relearn all the ways to now parent an 18 year old. So it's a continuous learning on learning and relearning journey. That's what it is. Good. That's a good mindset to be in. Yeah. Totally. Totally. So link everywhere in your podcast. Thank you for your time. Oh, thank you so much. You guys, you asked lovely questions. And yeah, thank you so much. I enjoyed it. That's good. It's good because it's relatable. It's relatable. It's relatable. That's relatable. Every parent goes to these things. They're all the same. Honestly, honestly. Honestly. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you. You're thank you so much. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.