"Right Person Wrong Time" is a Myth

- Hello, Daddy Gang. Welcome back to another Sunday session. We're bumping. We are bumping. It's funny because when I'm wearing my sweatpants and my hoodies, I'm like, do people know I'm even pregnant. So I'm like, I'm trying to like lean into the bump, but it's also hard to situate yourself in front of cameras while you have a bump. So it's just go with me here. I will say pregnancy so far has been a lot of ups and downs. There are some incredible days and there are some really trying days. I haven't slept. So I think that just gives me a pass on whatever I say for the next few months. Like, it's not me. I didn't realize so much about pregnancy and I'll be honest. Like in hindsight, I've had friends who are pregnant, but I've never explored and questioned the process and the ailments that come with it and just all the things. Like I guess I've just never really asked. And so now that I'm living it, I am really discovering a lot. And so I didn't fully realize that you just don't sleep in pregnancy and I haven't seen a lot of women say, oh, it's just preparing you for when you have a kid. I'm like, oh, oh, that's amazing. But so yeah, you don't really sleep in your pregnant. And as my bump has gotten larger and larger progressively, what happens during the middle of the night you guys is, it's a really big experience that you go through and you go through it alone. So while my husband is doing like his light little snoring that I want to just whack him in the face with the pillow and I do do that sometimes. Sometimes I will whack Matt and he's like, what, what, I'm like, what? What, I pretend I'm like, oh my god, was that a ghost would happen? 'Cause I just wanted to like sit there with me and be awake. You know what I mean? Poor Matt is like constantly getting jarred awake. He falls asleep also in four minutes. He was looking at his, he wears one of those health Google bands at night specifically. And I have stopped wearing it for a second 'cause I'm like, I don't wanna see it right now. Maybe in a little bit, but like I can't see right now because I know it's gonna be so dark. And Matt's last night said, you fell asleep in four minutes. Oh, okay, divorce. Oh, okay, divorce. I was like, you fell asleep in four minutes. The things I wish, four minutes, it's not even, I mean, I would love for any woman to tell me if you can fall asleep that easily, but I'm convinced that men just, he'll be in the middle of talking to me, you guys. And I'm like, so yeah, so then I was thinking, you know, we should talk to Erica about and he's like, and I'm like, wait, you were just talking two seconds ago. So Matt's having the time of his life being dead asleep. I am, I'm moving and shaking. So you're bump, basically, when you go from side to side, you don't just flip from side to side, like you normally would when you're sleeping as, you know, a non-pregnant person. This is, this is heavy, okay? This is heavy weight. And so I'm physically having to be cognizant of my motions as I'm moving over because also I've had it a couple times where you can get a cramp or like currently, my baby's foot is lodged like so high up here. And so if I move too quickly and I flip over, like I used to be a gymnast in the bedroom, okay? I would be dead asleep and I'm just, I'm literally like the exorcist where I'm flipping my body and I'm somehow on my right side and I'm still asleep. Now it's like, all right, let me just, let me just turn over here and it's like a big crane. Okay, it's a big crane and I know to all my women who are like really about to give birth, I know you're like, oh girl, just wait because this third trimester, you're just gonna get even bigger, bigger, bigger. I understand that, but for right now, it already feels big. So to get bigger is gonna be an adventure. Anyway, so the sleeping situation isn't great. You pee at least two times a night for myself. Again, my child's head, but so lovely. Again, it's just like preparing me for parenthood is every single time I've gone to my doctor. She's like, oh my God, the head is still in the same location. I'm like, oh, just say it. She's like, right on the bladder. I'm like, boom, I'm telling you guys, this child's head has not moved off of my bladder, this entire pregnancy. So you already have so much pressure because it's kind of like, compacts your bladder when you get pregnant, but then to also have a head and a growing head, just right there. Just sitting right here. We're peein' 24/7. It almost feels like a constant UTI 'cause even after IP, I'm like, do I have to pee again? And it's like, nope, that's just your body. So like, there's things that I'm getting used to. I will say, let's pick out a positive. You know, not to freak everyone out. The positives I will say is there is nothing more connecting and incredible and wild and just, it's not even out of body 'cause it's obviously in my body, but it feels that way when you feel your child kicking and moving, I don't even know how to describe it. You guys, I feel so in shock that I can feel now how big this child is and I can watch as this part of my belly bumps out and this part is moving. It looks like it's doing a summer assault and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. So there's just like a lot of cool, fascinating parts I think about the body. My boobs keep getting bigger, don't look. Okay, I would think I'd be like thrilled that my boobs are getting bigger and just like more fuller, but I'm just kind of like, I don't know. I would love to hear from other mothers and who are pregnant, like something about the boobs, you go through a little phase where you're like, okay, this is kind of like looking good and then you're kind of like, I don't even, it's just a little, it's a lot, it's a lot. So overall, I'm enjoying pregnancy, I'm leaning in, but there's anxiety that comes with it because you just want this child to be healthy and you want to be healthy. And yeah, so that's what's going on. (upbeat music) Okay, now to you guys, nothing about me, okay? I hope you had such an incredible week. I hope you hydrated and I hope you are ready to get called out today because in preparing for this episode, I realized I think that we need to talk about one of the biggest, most toxic lies we have all collectively agreed to believe. We are going to tackle the ultimate relationship coping mechanism today, which is, right person, wrong time. Everyone's already triggered, I know. We are going there. How many of you right now are sitting, maybe you're in your car, you're walking on the treadmill, you're laying in bed, you're staring at the ceiling and you immediately when I said that, you're thinking about that person, right? The one who got away, the one where you're like, oh, if only we met three years later, if only they didn't move to Chicago, if only they were done with their F-boy phase, if only if only if only then it would have worked. And it's like, guys, I hate to break it to you, but I am going to give you some tough love today, okay? We are basically going to completely tear this concept apart because I want to be clear, I used to be the queen of rationalizing bad situations with this exact phrase. So you are not alone. I want to make you feel very, very cozy and comfy when I say, I am speaking from so much experience, not just, you know, experience. I am speaking from lived experience. But today instead of focusing on feelings, I do want to just, I want to look at the facts. Why do we say it? Why do we say right person wrong time? I think we say it because the truth is too painful to face. It's so much easier to just blame the universe or a calendar or a zip code than it is to admit the harsh reality. They just didn't want it enough. Or you didn't want it enough. That's it. That's the truth. Like it or hate it, those are the facts. Because be real with me here. Please think about it logically. When you are truly deeply madly in love with someone, when you look at them and you think, this is my person, you do not let timing be an issue. And you don't let that stop you. You figure it out. You move the mountain. If someone tells you, guys, someone tells you, I love you so much. You're perfect for me. But the timing is just wrong. Okay, what they are actually saying is I like you, but I like my current lifestyle or my current freedom or my current career more than I like the idea of being with you. And I am choosing that over you. Let the tears fall down and wake your dreams. It's harsh, I get it. Okay, I get it. But I have to acknowledge and we all have to acknowledge that's their right that is your right right like if that's the case that is so okay But we need to stop wrapping it up in this pretty little bow and calling it. Oh, there's just a tragedy of the universe It's not fate playing a trick on you daddy gang. It is a choice It is a cognizant decision that one human being is making the stars did not force this one to happen Sadly like I know people including myself who are watching are like No, no, but like he is my soul mate It's just he's focusing on his career right now like that's it or like she's the one, but like She's just kind of going through this phase girl. I love you, but we are just lying to ourselves and how long can you keep lying to yourself right? so As I was thinking about Talking to all about this. I was like, okay, okay. So fair a lot of us do this, but why do we do this right I think that One reason we do this is Kind of very obvious. It's protects our egos right rejection. Let's be real It is a very very brutal pill to swallow. It hurts way less to blame a Construct like time than it does to admit hey, this person just doesn't want me enough to make it work and So we convince ourselves. It's not me. Obviously. It's not me. It's the clock. It's time Spoiler bitch. It's not the clock. It is you actually Another reason we do this. I think we love a tragic movie plot We have been brainwashed by romantic comedies to believe that love needs to be this struggle. We think we You know if we suffer through the wrong time the payoff will just be the most cinematic Reunion of an experience. Let me just tell you something This was me to a T to a T with a previous relationship you guys if Anything the fact I feel like that we couldn't be together at the time it somehow made me like him more like Like and now in hindsight, I'm like it almost made me like him more than if we were actually together the idea Was better than the reality and I somehow found it Oddly extremely romantic that we just We couldn't be together just wasn't right time. Okay, but of course We're gonna come back together. It's just timing like obviously. We're gonna reconnect It's just we gotta just it never happened It never fucking happened okay all those sleepless nights all the journaling and you guys know I don't journal But I journal in the letters I wrote it did nothing. Okay, right person wrong type like he never came back. It never ended up working And so then I think the most important and obvious reason that we do this and we lie To ourselves is This one hurts, but it's really the truth It keeps the door open If it's just the wrong time you don't actually have to mourn the relationship and move on You get to basically keep them on this shelf in your mind Waiting for the right time to magically appear. It's basically a full coping mechanism for avoidance If you don't have to fully face that it's over Babe we can just still live in our delusion. It's not over. He's coming back around He's coming back around the merry go around and it's like baby that thing shut off years ago, okay? And I think What's really important to acknowledge is that is a very dark psychological trap that we have to address Because what happens when you believe in right person wrong time? You essentially put your life on pause You can become a ghost in your own dating life, right? You go out on a date with a perfectly great guy or girl and the entire time You're just comparing them to the right person who unfortunately is currently living across the country or is currently just Finding themselves and you're just like holding this torch for a fantasy But it actually doesn't even exist anymore Because that's what right person wrong time usually is. It is a fantasy You are in love with the potential of what could have been not the reality of what actually is in front of you The reality was that it didn't work out I Remember I remember all right, let's go back. I've kind of like blocked these days out guys So give me a second, but I do remember if I can recall correctly back in the day The guy that I did this with I convinced myself for Ages that if the stars just aligned We're gonna be together. Okay. I was like, no, no We got a couple hiccups. There's like a couple little robumps. He's doing this. I'm doing this But we will be back together and I wasted so much emotional real estate on a guy who is simply not ready to commit To me and when someone shows you or tells you they aren't ready. We have to believe them Don't try to rewrite their narrative into some romantic story that keeps you hung up even after it ends You're lying to yourself you are romanticizing a Really not so romantic situation. Okay, and so I Ask that please listen to me closely when I say If someone is truly your right person The timing becomes a secondary factor and it kind of becomes a non-issue When people want to be with you, they don't give you a rain check They don't say whoa you are the love of my life I think we just need to pause and like let's revisit in three years like let's revisit when my schedule clears up a little bit Let's read every schedule when I'm a little bit of a different person like no, no, no They figure it out. They move cities. They change schedules. They lose sleep. They make room for you If someone is letting you go because of timing What they are actually saying is you are not worth the inconvenience of adjusting my life right now And I know it sounds harsh, but it is to some degree liberating if you can finally accept that You're all like speak for yourself. Okay, speak for yourself Alex. That feels horrible But I don't I don't want to hear any of that. I get it I get it college me would have also maybe turned this off by this point. You're like Trust me. I get it and I really get it more than I wish so I'm not gonna leave you hanging obviously. We got it. We got to make ourselves feel better here, right? Let's acknowledge how we break this cycle. Okay, how do we move on from the wrong time trap? When I think about it, if I could go back and give myself advice it would be step one is You need to close the chapter You need to stop checking their Instagram stories stop checking their Spotify to see what sad songs they're listening to you are feeding the dilution you not them you and You need to stop holding on to one day Because that mentality is making it quite literally impossible for you to move on and You feel less guilty for checking in on them and stalking their social medias because again It's the right person. It's just the wrong time, right? Maybe maybe it will be the right time soon and you convince yourself so like I got to keep tabs I got to keep tabs on them. How am I gonna know if it's the right time if I don't keep tabs and it's like no No, slick you're you're being there like I see where you're going that but no if you want to be real with yourself It's a hard fucking no then step two Step two After you are like okay, I need to actually close that chapter. You need to reframe the narrative in your head They weren't the right person at the wrong time. They were the wrong person Period because the right person is someone who is willing and ready and capable of choosing you Right now timing I mean, I think it it's obvious, but maybe we've convinced ourselves so much that it doesn't seem obvious But like guys timing is a part of the package deal of a person being the right person if they can't meet you where you are Then they're not your person period So when you say right person wrong time what it actually means is wrong person wrong You're seeing a little bit of like green yellow, and it's like no it read Because the right person is the right time when you say Okay, here we go. This is this hopefully this will help hurt and help when you say to yourself They just need to find themselves What it actually means is they don't want to be found with you Okay, and when you say we'll end up together eventually what it actually means is I am pausing my life for someone who is moving on with theirs Guys life is way too short to be waiting around in the waiting room of someone I else's life and you're just like, you ready yet? You ready? And most of the time these people are, if they've let it drag on this long, then they're probably not going to give you the hard truth. And so they're going to just let you linger in the waiting room. They're like, oh my god, she's still there. You deserve the person who looks at a chaotic messy, inconvenient timeline and says, I don't care. We're making this work. Stop romanticizing potential and start looking at reality. If they wanted to, they would. If they aren't, they aren't your person, period. Close the chapter. Put on your hottest outfit and go find someone who aligns with your present, not this hypothetical future. We all deserve that. Last thing I will say is I remember when I was dealing actually kind of with this like wrong, right person, wrong time in my head shortly after I met Matt and so many things in my life and Matt's life did not or shouldn't have worked at first. I was living in New York. He was living in Los Angeles. Let's just start there. I have no interest in long distance relationships. Like I have never been a full, long distance relationship kind of girl and every time I did it, I just ended up feeling like, oh, I don't want to be doing this. And when I met Matt, it was like, oh my God, I actually want to do this. I will do long distance with this person. I actually don't really care. And it was so unlike me. But it was like, because I felt like this was actually the right person. And he felt the same way. Our traveling schedules were so crazy and hectic and he was on different time zones or he was traveling to different countries to make movies and he would stay up and it would be like 4 a.m. his time to make sure he got to talk to me in the morning or vice versa. And like, it was hard. And in the beginning days, it was a lot of work to like actually find a way to merge our lives. And then when I did move out to Los Angeles, there was so much that also went into how different at first our lives were. And we just kept working through it because we knew, oh my God, you're the right person for me. And so none of this logistically should stop us, even if we're getting some sleepless nights, even if it's hard in the beginning, even if it's like we're having to adjust, I want to adjust certain things in my life so that we can make this work together. And so then I was able to look back at a lot of the people that I thought, like, oh my God, right person wrong time. And I'm like, one of them specifically you guys, I was really convinced. He really, oh my God, this really could be my person. I look back and I'm like, oh my God, I had painted this entire picture in my head that he was actually quite direct in a lot of moments. But I was hearing it in a way that I wanted to hear it. He was telling me that we couldn't fully date because of XYZ. And I took that as like, he's actually caring about my feelings and he's giving me the heads up because he cares so much about me. Guys, it's so crazy when your frontal lobe is fully developed, even saying this out loud, I'm like, okay, this is embarrassing. I convinced myself, like he's saying we can't be boyfriend, girlfriend right now because his schedule is so crazy that like he doesn't want to commit and like hurt me. So like we should just stay in this like in between, you know, situation, ship phase, bitch. Then I meet Matt and he's like, I'm into you. I'm going to make an effort. We're going to do this. We're going to do that. And I was like, oh my God, that's what this is supposed to feel like. An actual person being direct. And even when Matt would like not like something I did or like something, he just would always tell me, mean why I looked back and I was like, I got so good at like decoding. You know, you know, you really been through the ringer in your past relationships when you're like, I am I I could do I it's like the Swifties. We can look and there's Easter eggs and you're like, I can put these pieces together, but in a romantic relationship, you shouldn't have to be like, all right. So in the 24th, he did tell me this, but really I think he meant this. So this kind of fits into this category and this should make me feel this way. It's like, no, stop trying to make this fantasy and this whole thing happen. You're just literally concocting a big, big lie in front of your face that you're just like drinking the cool aid and the longer you do that, you go down this really, really dark path. And so I hope today anyone who is listening, who is in my situation, I wish I would have had someone who could have given me this advice when I was going through that because those tangibles, I would have been like, okay, maybe this is actually like completely my situation. I know it's hard to hear, but that's what we do here on ColorDaddy, okay? We talk about the hard things, not the easy things, and then we try to make the hard things easier by talking it through. Oh, maybe it's the glasses, you know, maybe it's the glasses today, they're giving me that little edge. Okay, let's answer some questions of the Motherfucking Week. Question number one, my friend wants to have her wedding in Greece next summer, but we've already committed to another close friend's wedding in Italy that same summer. It's the exact same friend group and we'd all be bridesmaids. We've explained that two European weddings in one summer would be financially and logistically difficult and close to impossible, but she says it's normal and that everyone has expenses. We suggested choosing a closer destination or spacing the weddings farther apart, but she feels that's unfair. I know it's her wedding and her choice, but I'm annoyed that she doesn't seem to care how much stress and expense this puts on the same group of friends, thoughts. Oh, okay, I want to preface this before I answer this with I have been so fortunate that my friend group when it comes to weddings, somehow knock on wood, we have not had any major issues when it comes to like logistics or animosity or resentment building. And so when I answer this question, I am not speaking from experience. I'm going to be speaking in hypotheticals, which I do think is important because obviously I've never gone through something like this. But let me just, let me just try to work this out with you for a minute. My first thought is whenever I've posted about weddings or you know, bachelor rats, there's such a huge issue when it comes down to everyone's personal opinion of how much they are willing to spend, how much they're comfortable spending understandably and also just like etiquette that goes into it. If you wind up 10 people on the street, every single person is probably going to have a different answer of how you should handle this situation. So I want to be very mindful. Okay, I'm not getting canceled over no opinion on a grease wedding. That isn't mine. Okay, this is hypothetical. Everyone calm down to Europe trips in one summer is so financially straining. It is psychotic when it comes to taking off work. It is logistically hard. If any of these people have kids like, I don't know a lot of people that go to Europe twice in a summer. So this is a lot. So I'm acknowledging that this is a lot that this person is asking of you. What sucks is how close you all are. You're going to be a bridesmaid in this. I would say that God, it is a little bit on you. You feel like, yeah, of course, you have to go. But how you go, I don't know. And I literally think what sucks is it seems like this bride is kind of unwilling to have a conversation about the reality of the situation. And she's kind of like you kind of have to suck it up. But what if you can? What if you literally can't afford this? I think that's what's hard about these destination weddings is in my opinion. Okay, sue me. I think that if you have a destination wedding, you are basically acknowledging that you're okay if a bunch of people don't come. Don't shoot me. But I do think that's the case because to expect people to travel and the finances again and all the logistics that go into that dynamic, it is a lot to ask of someone. And so I do think that like half of the people I also talked to, they're like, oh, we're doing it there because we're hoping no, like half of the list doesn't end up coming. And you hear people say that, right? So I do think there needs to be some honest conversation. I would be interested to see if you could bring your friend group together and all have an honest conversation about like what is everyone doing? And who knows, maybe it impacts like do you do something a little less with the grease strip so that you can also spread it out to the Italy trip. I have no idea. But I think you need to talk to your friends about it because obviously each of you is going to be in a different financial situation. But it seems like you all have this big group where like one person making a rogue decision, it's going to alienate them. And so I think getting on the same page with your friends. And if the bride is unwilling to talk about it with you, fine. Leave her out of it for now. But get all the bridesmaid together and be like, guys, literally what are we doing? And that's where I think this kind of stuff like literally ends friendships, right? I've had so many people write in being like, oh yeah, I never, I don't even speak to my bridesmaids anymore. Like, oh my God, what happened? I think that emotions get really heightened. And the bride sees things completely different than the bridesmaids. And I'm not saying one is acting better than the other. But this kind of brings out like the worst in people. And I will say it sucks. But like everyone has a lot of weddings. And then when you're the person that it's your wedding, you expect them to show up at 100% capacity in their best selves. But it's like, baby, I have seven other weddings this summer. And I think sometimes brides forget that. And I'm not saying that's their issue. But I do think there needs to be a little bit of understanding when it comes to, if you know that they're already going to another European wedding and it's not where you could bop over, it's like you have to come back to the States, wait a little bit, go back to Europe. I don't know if you can be that mad, if some people don't show up, please don't get mad at me. I'm just, I never said any of that. And again, guys, pregnancy brain, come on, pregnancy brain, pregnancy brain. Okay. Next. Oh my god. Guys, these ones I didn't pick this week, I had someone else pick them so like, I'm going to get slammed again. Okay. Is it rude to turn down a bridesmaid invitation? How funny that like on the controversial Richter scale, bridesmaid and weddings, I just can feel it in my bones. I'm like, tread lightly, tread lightly, tread lightly. It's very sensitive topic. Is it wrong to turn down a bridesmaid invitation? An old friend from college asked me to be in her bridal party, but we're not close at all anymore. And I barely even know her fiance. She has plenty of other friends, so I'm honestly confused why she even invited me. Okay, I think I can handle this one a little bit easier. I think that, listen, everyone in life is going to have different opinions on friends and nostalgia and the connection that they have to whether it's high school or college or whatever it be. And so you may not think that you're as close and she knows you're maybe not that close, but it may for her be more of like a, oh, she was at such a big pivotal time in my life. And let's keep it real. She may need to be feeling those slots, you know, like they may be like, we want to do seven and seven. And she's up to six and she's like, who else could I get to be in that row of, oh, Jamie, Jamie would be Jamie will sew show up. And so I actually do think that you can pass on this, but I don't think you need to be honest. We're not liars here on call or daddy, but I do think sometimes you can omit parts of the truth when you're letting a friend that you're not close to down to not make it a bigger issue. Okay. I think that you could just say, hey, girl, I am so happy for you. I can't wait for you to have such a, I imagine the wedding is going to be gorgeous. Unfortunately, I have a prior family commitment that we can, you could also say like, oh, my God, I'm sorry. But you could be like, I'm so sorry like, I actually have already committed to a family wedding that weekend. So I won't be able to make it. But like, I love you. And please like send me your wedding registry and like sending you all the good vibes. I think you can totally respectfully pass on the bridesmaid thing without passing like, hey guy, I mean, guys, unless I would love to hear if people would actually want you to be honest, because I think that's psychotic. Hey, girl, Jamie here, we haven't really talked in a while. So I was kind of thrown off that you asked me to be a bridesmaid. And I'm going to be honest. I don't think we're close enough. I don't even really know your fiance. So like, I don't really think it's appropriate for me to go to your wedding. I mean, yeah, you could be that type of person. I'm not going, I would not do that. I'm not going to do that because that's just going to hurt her feelings. You know, let her down easy. She's got enough to deal with. She's got to go fill that seven slot, baby. Okay. Next. Hi, father. I need some help. I got lunch with a good friend. I haven't seen in a while. And completely slandering another friend of mine over some drama. It felt like she was looking for validation, but I honestly thought she was overreacting and found the whole thing super uncomfortable. I think she could tell and now she wants to talk. Am I supposed to automatically take a friend's side when they're beefing with someone else I know. Fabulous inquiry. So here's the thing about women. And like sports and we like drama. We like pop culture. We like drama. We like a little bit of gossip here and there. And so when you go to a lunch and maybe you went to this lunch and Becky was just on her shit. She's feeling herself and she's like, I need to vent. I think what happens sometimes is clearly she was looking to vent and it was coming off way to aggressive and she wasn't reading the room and she kind of went into a blackout rage. It's classic. We've all been there. So I think when a woman needs to get something off her chest sometimes we can't read the room. And I think with her clearly she went in spiraling a little bit and thought that you could be a companion. And in that moment you were like, actually you're putting me in a really difficult position. What I really respect about you and it seems like you did is like, you didn't just jump in and you didn't just start immediately gossiping with them because those are my least favorite kind of people where if you're in the room with one person you're just a yes man and you're just like, oh my god, totally, they're so annoying. And then you go see that person later and you're completely fake and nice to them and then you'll bitch about the person you were just with earlier. It's like, that is so two-faced and I think there are a lot of people who would rather just indulge it rather than like have a backbone and stand their ground. And even if it's just being quiet, that's being a good friend and sometimes I think it's lost on people. So I love that you didn't engage. If she's following up because she's a feeling it was making you uncomfortable, I do think just being really honest with her can't hurt. I think you can just say, listen, I definitely felt a little uncomfortable and I don't mean in a way that like I was wanting to leave the brunch, but I just felt like it was a lot. I just didn't really know how to act being in the middle of it because I'm on really good terms with her and I have a great relationship with her. So I feel like I'm kind of not the right person to be talking with this about. If she freaks out, that's like on her and she's immature and she needs to figure that out. But I do think this is a classic like the girls are beefing, they're looking for the neutral party to like sway and bring on their side and I think you hold your ground because instead of having to sway left or right, you actually don't need to be a part of this. And that is something that I think that it takes a while to learn that. So I feel like none of us knew that in high school, right? High school, you were like, oh, you're either on Taylor side or you're either on Francine side and there I know in between, you team Taylor or you team Francine and there's no gray area because maturity and honesty and boundaries, they don't exist back then, but then we build that muscle a little bit and I have a lot of respect for people when you build that muscle if you can maintain it and do it in a way that's very mature. So kudos to you. You're on the right path. Okay, next, father, I need some help. I love my boyfriend so much and would never cheat on him, but the other night I was out with friends and ended up talking to a guy I used to be really flirty with. We talked for hours and even though I mentioned my boyfriend throughout the conversation, I know I enjoyed the attention a little more than I should have. I woke up feeling so guilty even though I technically didn't do anything wrong. Is that a sign that I crossed a line? How do you know the difference? Okay, so there's a couple dynamics here that I would like to point out. I think that it's human nature to be out and you're like, oh my god, this person's giving me so much attention if you are feeling like you're not getting that in your relationship. Right? I'm trying to think of myself if I was out and a guy was giving me attention, I would just immediately be like, I'm so not interested in this because I'm completely fulfilled in my relationship with my husband so I would be like immediately shutting that down and I'm not, I'm not making you feel bad. I'm just acknowledging for you that like form in my opinion, that's what this is. You're craving that attention because something is missing in your relationship because otherwise it would just feel, it just wouldn't hit like if a man was giving me attention I'd literally be like, do you see my right? Like I don't need, I don't need it even if I didn't have a ring and I was still in a relationship and we were dating like Matt and I like I just wouldn't entertain it because I'm like, I don't need this. I'm fulfilled. I get a tattoo. So you have to recognize within yourself that yes, you leaned in. I don't think you're a bad person. It just really is exposing something within your relationship. You also saying, I woke up feeling so guilty and I feel like I crossed a line. For me, that means that like maybe you really do love your boyfriend. It was almost just like you felt like that night such a thrill. You were like, oh my god, I felt hot. I felt wanted. I felt desired. I felt pursued and I think a lot of times, woman or man, when you're not getting that in your relationship, if you get it, you know, a night out, a little bit of flirting, no physical connection happens, you feel alive again. But unfortunately that is really a negative sign. It's a negative sign because it's either like the romantic relationship then you're in is not fulfilling you enough and so you're having to seek it from other people. And if you felt guilty, the option is number one. You need to have a conversation with your boyfriend not telling him about this night, okay? I don't think you did anything to the point where you need to, you know, disclose this to him. But you need to approach the issue and you need to handle the issue. so you don't keep doing that and I think approaching the issue is whatever the issue is for you, right? Maybe you guys don't really have sex anymore or maybe you are lacking kind of that intimacy, not the actual sex act, but like you guys don't really kiss anymore and he doesn't really do this or you don't really do this and you kind of become, you know, just kind of partners in life. I think a lot of times when couples move in together things can get very hard to spice up if they aren't making concerted efforts and so sometimes you will must become like best friends and you're like, where do we lose our way? Like he used to court me and I used to surprise him with things when he would come home and so like the effort has dwindled and you're clearly feeling that and so the attention is feeling so invigorating. You're feeling so alive but you clearly want that from your boyfriend. So put the effort there in whether you need to put date nights on the books or whether you do need to put on a cute outfit and you guys need to reconnect and you need to feel good about yourself or you need to plan a date where you both meet from work so like you don't go together and you look for him in the bar and you spot him and whatever it is you don't have phones at dinner you actually can like I can't tell you what's missing in your relationship. I'm obviously coming up with a bunch of ideas where I'm guessing but I think this is really common sadly for a lot of people in a lot of relationships and they look for external validation and they don't pause to just recognize and maybe they internally like subconsciously they know it's because they're not getting it from their partner but instead of trying to do anything about it they just go get it somewhere else and that's what leads to I feel like all these people cheating right you hear all the men like well you know she doesn't fuck me anymore so I would and it's like fuck off like that's not an excuse to ever cheat like did you bring this up to her have you had conversations have you going to couples therapy have you worked on things people are so lazy and people are so quick to just jump to the next thing because it's easier it feels like and guess what if you got into a relationship with this person you broke up with your boyfriend I'm telling you the same thing is probably gonna happen because I'm it does take two to tango like if you're not putting the effort in with your boyfriend and I'm not fully blaming you I'm just saying it's gonna happen again another relationship and how are you gonna solve that you need to put that amount of effort and more into your relationship and it's a quick easy fix at a bar and a night out and you you know you're flirting and all the things but then life happens right people are it's so crazy how like distracted we can all get by like the little shiny thing and it's so temporary because real relationships are built on hard conversations and merging your lives and the reality of life work finances family dynamics and so when you're out at the bar none of that exists it's just physical attraction it's just this oh my gosh you're hot I'm hot I'm feeling this and then you wake up the next day and if you actually want a relationship with that person then you're gonna have to go through all the trudging of the mud that you've gotten through with your other with your current partner and so you've done the hard work and clearly you like this person so actually I think it's so easy the easiest part is to regain that little spark oh I have any more attention I want to feel sexy I want to do that go easy the you've done the hard work now just pour into the relationship right in a way that makes you feel seen in him feel seen all right let's do one more my close friends all moved across the country together where I stayed in the city where we originally lived after college whenever I visit I feel pressure to justify my decision to stay by talking about how great my life here is still because they talk about how much happier they are now in that other place how do I stop seeking validation for a choice I know was right for me oh this is like so relatable and annoying because I feel like when you're on the same page is your friends in college it's just the best feeling like you're going to the dining hall together and you're going to the parties together and everything is just so I mean at the time it doesn't feel easy but you look back and you're like oh my god it was so easy right it was so easy we all had similar schedules and we had similar interests and we just did everything together and then when you leave college it feels so disorienting how that foundation almost immediately disappears and crumbles and everyone starts to go their own directions and it's kind of really depressing in a way you're like oh my god we were all joking about how you know it's going to be so fun to get out of here and start our lives and although it is in some way nice to start my life I miss that comfort I miss that familiarity and so the fact that you have stayed in the place that you guys all went to college you're still in your familiar bubble but you're growing and you're loving it and that's amazing and then having left I think something that makes your situation a little different maybe than others of just like oh I moved to this city and they moved that city is like there's a part of you I think after college that like really wants to shed like I'm not a college person anymore right like I'm an adult and I'm sure that they feel like when they're associating any conversation they're having about the city you guys went to school in they're thinking about themselves in college and I think that you have to separate that for yourself we're like they're not shitting on you know oh my god I'm so much happier now that I live in Denver instead of Boston oh my god Boston like I was just like oh my god I could have never stayed there meanwhile you're like I literally still live here I think what they're trying to probably say is it's more about themselves because let's be real everyone only fucking cares about themselves and so they're really having a self-reflective moment of like I'm so much happier in Denver now because da da da da da and they're comparing college them understandably what they're not being thoughtful about is like you're like hey guys so I still live here and then you're having to overcompromise and almost prove yourself like but I've grown to just because I've stayed in the same location I've grown to what it comes down to with friends in this moment is it feels like a rat race when you get out of college it feels like you're all in the same line and it starts a little bit in college where like who got the internship or like who did get the job out of college like it slowly begins right but then the minute and there's a couple people little head right before you get out of college because like they've got some job security they've got this or that or maybe they have family money so they've got the apartment and you still have got to live at home with your parents whatever it's a little bit of this and the minute colleges over everyone starts looking to their left and right to compare like well wait she got the job and then I didn't get the job and I'm still living with and you're all in this comparison game and it doesn't feel that over right it doesn't feel that contentious but it's there because you're just looking lightly left to right you're on social media you're checking in and so understandably you're doing that with your friends right now and because a group of them have left you're feeling like it's like 5v1 I think what you have to start to do when you see that group of friends is have confidence that you know who you are and that you made the right decision for yourself and I almost would test you to be like next time you're with that group and they bring up how much happier they are that they're not in Boston or wherever it is you actually don't then match it with a yeah no but like I've just been like Boston has been like did it just don't answer just say I'm so happy for you I'm so happy for you that you have found this place that is making you feel so fulfilled and happy and then when they ask you how are you doing then you can share and be honest I'm really happy I am shocked that I'm still so fulfilled in Boston I found such different areas since college and I did it but don't preemptively almost like word vomit to defend yourself and I think that goes past obviously this dynamic that's like obviously very specific anyone when you're dealing with a friend group the constant comparison almost can have you and neatly jumping to prove yourself and then you leave and you're like I didn't really like that version myself like why was I being so like try hard in like convincing them who I am and that I'm feeling good about myself it kind of has nothing to do with them it's it's you're clearly feeling a little insecure so work on that and then all of a sudden you won't care because the best feeling is when you are so secure and you don't care that you're like oh my god girl I know I'm so happy I say it in Boston and I know you've literally hated it I fucking love it and it doesn't it doesn't bother you so anyone in front dynamic stop the knee-jerk reaction to defend or to prove stop yourself and I think you'll start to find that they actually aren't really pressing half the time it's you that's trying to engage they don't really care that's the that's the most like eye-opening experience you just continue to have as you progress in life and you get older and you have more experience is like no one cares no one cares I was gonna say about you that's not true but like kind of like let me say it and then take it back no one cares about you no one really gives a shit what you're doing no one actually gives a fuck they're everyone's focused on themselves yes they care about you because you're their friend but they don't actually Actually care if you stay in Boston or you move to Denver, it would be more convenient for them if you live in Denver for sure But they're like, okay, well she's still in Boston like they don't actually care and so you have to start to try to like Let yourself go of all these people's opinions on your own life at the end of the day You have to live with yourself the longest out of anyone in this world That's the real facts. You're with you till the end whenever that end is, okay? And so to try to play k and justify and you know all these things for all these other people when the reality is no one really gives a shit You're gonna spend your whole life And then people are literally like oh, I like forget what did you do and you want to like I spent so much energy making sure that they saw me in that moment They didn't care and when you start to realize that put that amount of energy back into yourself It's so much Better life is just sweeter and easier and more enjoyable and then you can just enjoy And then it also prevents you when you do have assholes around you that kind of can seep in or try to make jab comments to make you feel insecure Because they're insecure instead of making a snarky comment back you literally are just like oh Okay, what do you want to get for dinner? Like you literally don't care and that is freedom when you just kind of like relinquish all of the expectations and the all the bullshit of Comparison and projection and you're literally like I fucking love my life I love myself. I'm focused on myself and I'm not focused on it anyone else thinks about me Nor am I really focused on what anyone else is doing other than if they're my friend and I'm there to support them But I still also don't really care what they're doing as long as they're happy the same goes for you Stop treating your friends like their word as God your word as God what do you want what makes you happy? So I hope that was an uplifting little Serman from your father um, I had such a lovely time this Sunday session. I Am excited for oh, we have We have some good interviews coming up you guys We have some really good episodes and I also have some really good Sunday session ideas I hope you guys are liking these you know like hit you with a little truth at the beginning something I've been thinking about something I've been chewing on you know and then boom get into questions of the week But obviously I always want your guys opinions So please write in if there's anything you want me to talk about on these episodes if there's anything that you have been struggling with that You're like who I can use a little girl talk on this one Alex And then also obviously always write in questions. I think a lot of times the questions in a beautiful way They can be very specific But there's always like a broader theme that does relate to so many women who are watching this So I appreciate everyone obviously all of your questions are always anonymous all the names that I'm making up Out of the top of my head, you know, they're fake So your secret is safe with me. All right daddy gang. I love you so much. I will see you spuckers next Wednesday. Goodbye