Rick Glassman & The Spotlight

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I'm asking you a question and instead of even thinking about what I'm asking you, you're not even listening to me right now. You put the microphone back. Hold on. You didn't think us for lunch. Just relax, man. You think that's for lunch. Are you nervous? Are you scared? What are you feeling? Because I didn't realize that this was real until I started this a couple of minutes ago and I realized, oh, we're making jokes and stuff and like, there's something going on. Breathe. Thank you for lunch. It's very good. Hey, funny. Thank you. We're on Spotify. Hey, Tiger Belly video now available to watch on Spotify, everybody. Spotify, Pay Me & Users gets your ads and more eyes. We love your ads and more eyes. We love more eyes. Yeah. Get the third eye. Fourth. Watch videos and watch it. Hi, Bobby. How are you? Great things. How are you? Good. Wow. Okay, nice to meet you. I'm a little sarcastic sometimes. My intention is play and that's not to make any excuses, but I think everything's in focus because, well, you're the sharpest thing I've ever seen. Wow. Okay. That's a lot. Follow me. Oh, Jesus. I got confused. I thought, Bobby had a glow up. Both of them. We're going to use both of them. So, Diet Coke is back in, I've noticed. Diet Coke and boobs are back in the zeitgeist and cigarettes. That's true. Okay. We started. Okay. Good. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh, Bobby, starting the episode with I. It's a good one. It's a good one. Anyway. I've never been in a little role in my tongues. Really? Yeah. How many? None of them? None of them. Yeah. I have a fat Korean North Korean tongue. No, you don't like it. Can? No. Yeah. I don't have who's can. Oh, you're edited. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're pass right. That's right. Yeah. - Bobby, can you whistle? (whistling) - Wait. (whistling) - Okay, that's okay. - Everyone whistle. - I can't, I can't do it. (whistling) - Can you whistle? (whistling) He won't do it, you know what? All right, how about, that's really good. You wanna do a competition how long we can go? - I can't, okay. Our big y'all, this isn't great for the audio list. (laughing) - This is terrible content for us. - But that's my so metrics. - It's terrible, but yeah. Maybe you had it out since Bobby came in and then we could do it again. - You wanna start over? - No. - Yeah, okay, I would. I could just put those, okay. - Put those on. - Welcome back to another episode of Tiger Belly. This week's Sponsors Hour. - Yeah, Hello Kitty. - No, I'm kidding, I don't know. - Is that good? - I'd like us to have our headphones on, at least for a little. - Can you do that again, 'cause I wanna cut that part out, which part? - This, that whole thing. 'Cause Hello Kitty wasn't funny. - Oh, yeah. - You don't have to cut out everything. You could just cut out the Hello Kitty part and you could just do your pick up. - Oh, let's pick it up. - Put those on. - Cavages. Funny. - Yummy. - Funnier. - That's not funnier. - Fermented. - Yeah. - Or get it. (laughing) - Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. - Welcome back, welcome back. Can I, this is my show? - Oh. - May I do the introductions, if I may? - Okay. - Same May a few more. - Okay. - May. - May. - Mayflower. - June. - We have cat bird in the house. Give her a round of applause. (clapping) - From the team show. - Convex unleashed. - Oh, yes, I got to ask back, do I tell you that? - Are you gonna do it? - No, I don't think so. - Oh, oh, oh, somebody just played with their collar on. - And apparently, you know, I mean, UTA signed you. Give her a round of applause for that. In the big leagues. - All right. - You passed yet? - Huh? - At the store? - I'm not know. - You know, you will be caught for that. - I just want to say that I said somebody got her collar on and in case that's not understood, I was just teeing up for a comic's leashed. I meant nothing about you being a woman or a man. - I was, I never even got that job. - I didn't associate it with it, yeah. - But now I feel a little bit uncomfortable because of that. - Yeah, oh, so in other words, you're a comic's leashed. - After, after. (laughing) - Bang it out. - After her act please. - Thank you. - We have Luke from Comics Unleashed. (laughing) - Yeah. - Yeah, assistant, you should be assistant at (beep) - Correct. - Oh, yeah, that's cool. - I was not asked back to Comics Unleashed. - You were not asked back now. - But you got on it and that's a good thing. - Yes. - Rick Glassman, it's not yet done it, but I am trying. - Do you want to do it? - Comics Unleashed? - Yeah. - Since I was a little boy. (laughing) - I think you'd be great on it. - I want to be on it and now I want to have a joke about like, "Diapepsy." See me up for my "Diapepsy" joke. - Well, well, well, welcome to "DiComics Unleashed." I'm buying Ireland. - Oh. (laughing) - What, what? - Oh, get it. - What? - It looks good. - It's a good impression. - Yeah. - Hello, hello. Check out the weather channel. - A plaza plaza. - A plaza plaza. - A plaza plaza. Oh, we got Rick Glassman here. - In group. - Oh, I mean, tight. - Yeah. Wow, wow, give him a run of applause. - Thanks, Baron. Baron, I've been wanting to be on this, a biker and I've been wanting to be on the show. - Oh, I was starting out, I've been doing this with Trump's kid. - Yeah, yeah. I've been wanting to get on the show for a while. - So you liked Diet Coke. You know, it's funny that you bring that up. So, you know what, firing? - Yeah. - By rock. - Yes, by rock. - Yes, Rick. What were you, a vampire? (laughing) - I want to drink your blood. - Yeah, Rick, Rick. - Tell me more. - I don't think I want to talk to you about Diet Coke. - Oh. - Look, let me, can you cut the cameras? - No, it's part of my act. - It's part of my act. It's part of my act. - We emailed you the show. - No, no. - Yeah, I mean, I teased you up. - This is, can you read the email send back? What I'm saying is that this is how the work works, okay? So I'm going to tew up. - You mean, Rick. - You mean, leash me up. It ain't comics leashed. - Chicken wheat. - Comics leashed. - Hello. - You might as well watch premium blend. - Jody Miller comes in. - That's a good show. I did that show. - It is a great show. - Okay, so fuck off. - Why? - I was on that show. It is a great show. - Okay, thank you. (laughing) - A plaza plaza. - A plaza plaza plaza plaza. - I think that's where I learned about Greg Jerome. - Tell me about Diet Coke. - And that's where I-- - You'd been drinking a lot of Diet Coke. - Diet Coke. - Diet Coke. - That bit's over. - Okay. - Yeah. - God, it's like a you set up the pit. And you didn't let me do it. - Yeah, I did do it. - I did do it. - No, you didn't. You became crazy vampire Byron Allen. And you went all over the place. You weren't even looking at me when you were talking. - That's put by-- - I'm looking at the camera. - This is my show. - And now. - And that's the problem. - Okay, that's not a problem. Don't point at me. Okay, so let me do it right. - Bobby. - Talk about diet Pepsi. - Bobby. - It's done, dude. - That's the cause of the choices you made. - Okay, okay. I'm sorry. We have other comments. - You're supposed to say me, so. - What? - Me, so horny. - Me, so horny. Me, is that a song? - All right, it's from a movie. - Me, so horny, yeah. - I think B.C. Boyz, right? - You live crew. - You live crew. - Yeah, me, so horny. - Yeah, anyway, you're still high. - You're still. - You know, you came in with high energy, you're a little high. - I'm a mellow, dude. - Yeah, but, you know, don't tell me. Don't tell me that you came here and it's phased out. - I'm sorry, but do you not know how much trouble phased on is in right now? - I know. - Phasedon's in a lot of trouble. - Well, unless we're talking about the remake of Scrubs. - Yeah. - And we're talking about Donald Phasedon. - Ah, right. - Which is what you say when Zach Braff, the doctor wants to check your throat. (laughs) - I don't even get that. (laughs) - Good. - So I've been working more on that kind of comedy. - Yeah, pretty good, it's pretty good. - It's pretty good. - It's pretty good. - So phased on love is in trouble is what you're saying. - I saw something about that recently and what a talent that man is. - He's an old friend, he's a San Diego guy. I love that guy a lot. - Bring him over, have him. - I would love to have him on. - What trouble, what's the trouble? - I don't know. - But I saw him in a jumpsuit. - Oh. - Right? jumpsuit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. - By trouble you mean his fashion sense on the carpet? - Right. - Keep it in. (laughing) Whatever, man. I don't wanna not be able to take swings. - You gotta take them. - You gotta, I've been missing. - No, since we've started a missed. - No, you haven't. - I haven't. - I don't think so. - I mean, I think the whole vampire now, and then we're gonna-- - That was a pain. - I don't think that's where people will be talking about it. - Yeah. - I mean, hello Kitty, maybe, but other than that. - Well, we're gonna cut that-- - Yeah, we're gonna put in cabbage, right? - Yeah. - Yeah, the cabbage, that was fun. We're keeping cabbage, but anyway-- - Which could be the name of this episode when somebody says, "Did you see it, and how was it?" And you go, "Okay, but take it out." - Like garbage? - Take it out. - Okay. - Take it out. Take it out. (laughing) I can't miss that. - Take it out. - Yeah. - Take it out. - Okay, oh, good good. (laughing) - But like I've been working a lot more on phason kind of stuff. - Yeah, I get it. I get it. - And you've been doing-- - I've been taking myself more seriously. - In what way? Not farting around as many CEOs, if you don't, I mean. - Yeah. - You're not chasing that Hollywood jam. - Oh, I was never chasing that Hollywood jam. - Yeah, you were. - No, I was farting around CEOs. What is chasing Hollywood jam, man? - Well, I mean, you were like auditioning a lot, getting shows. - Dude, I've had maybe 30 auditions since I moved here. (clapping) - That seems to be a lot. - It's been 18 years? - Yeah. - Oh. - But your track record, you got-- - The first audition you ever went on, you booked. - Well, I just so happened to have been able to show them that I was able to take direction. I don't know. I was funny enough. (laughing) - You prepared. - Yeah, I got lucky. - Yeah. - No, then the second one you auditioned for, you got. - Hey, man, people hit two home runs in a row. It doesn't mean that they're Barry Bons. - Yeah, it does. - Show hail, Otani. - Show him. - Hey, man. - You live in a black or Asian, right? - Yeah. - Where are my-- - Would you prefer-- - When you say Mark McGuire, you think, "Oh, he's cheating." Barry Bons, you don't think that, 'cause he's so good even if he was. - Right. - I love Barry Bons. - I know what you're saying. - I've never heard of Barry Bons' explain. - He's the San Francisco giant. He's like, play the-- - He's big, he's like-- - Clop through something, you know, honestly. - I was thinking about-- - On the house. - A guy who, you know, you're trying to read like Chinese or something, you can't figure it out. And then he like does the thing with his eyes. And it's like, Percy Jackson's out. You can all of a sudden read it. It's like perfect English afterwards. - Who does it? - Keep it in. - That'd be cool. - Who does it? - Just like a guy, it'd be cool if there's like a guy. - Oh, there'd be cool-- - There'd be cool-- - There's a guy that could go back into the future too. - Yeah, there'd be cool-- - There'd be cool-- - Yeah, there'd be cool-- - There'd be cool-- - There'd be cool-- - There'd be cool-- - There's a guy that could go back into the future too. - Yeah, there'd be cool-- - There'd be cool-- - There'd be cool-- - There'd be cool-- - There'd be cool-- - There'd be cool-- - There'd be cool-- - There'd be cool-- - Yeah, there'd be cool-- - There'd be cool-- - There'd be cool-- - There'd be cool-- - Yeah, there'd be cool-- - Yeah, there'd be cool-- - Unless you say food-- - Yeah, okay. - You're trying to be edgy. If you just say Mexican-- - Yeah. - And you're talking about the culture-- - Yeah. - How about Coke, Mexican-- - How about Free Holes? - Fine. - Can I say Free Holes? - Mexican Free Holes? - All right, it's holy in prison. (laughing) - One, we get started. - All right, let's start with the big one. - My fault. (laughing) - Hey, welcome to comics, at least! I'm firing out of this! (laughing) - And you don't have to be intimidated by me. Listen, I'm not gonna pull it out here. - Yeah. - Let me ask you something. - Okay. - Do you look to Rick like he's an old-school guy? We're probably the closest in age. - How old are you? - You're like an elder professional comedian, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He's far above me, yeah. - Well, wait, far above me. - How old are you? - 25. - You're five years older than you. - That makes me-- - You're not 30. - I just turned 30. - There's no way. - I turned 30 last week. - There's no way you're 30. (laughing) - That's impossible. - So I knew what you were born. (laughing) - What? - 96. - What year did you graduate high school? - Yeah. - I didn't. (laughing) - I didn't graduate high school. - Okay, sorry, that's nothing left. - That is a fact. That's nothing to laugh about. - He didn't go to elementary school or middle school or high school. - No, I went to high school. I left in 2010. - You left high school in 2010? - Yeah. - And then what year did you get the first sitcom? I mean, it feels like. (laughing) - I don't know. - I'm trying to do the math here. - I really don't know. - 18, right? 2010. Okay. - Yeah, that's right. - So you got your first sitcom at what? - I was in my-- - Yeah, so you were 21? - No, I don't even think I was 21. (laughing) - I think I was 18. - Oh, you were 18 when you got-- - I left. - I left high school at a nightclub. - I left high school to bleep where he said he met me. I had a fake bleep that. I met-- - That's crazy. - I left high school too, because I was visiting and I got a KFC commercial. And then I ended up doing a BMO Harris bank commercial. And an Alpoil local commercial, that's right. - Alpoil local? - I did a pill. - And then when I got the pilot and I was 18, and remember I had to be out here, and I was not going to be able to do the Alpoil local commercial. And my manager or lawyer at the time was able to get them to move the Alpoil local commercial. And I was so glad so I could do the pilot. - When is your birthday? - July. - What? - Are you July as well? - No, but it was just your birthday. - It was, last year. - Oh, happy birthday. - And you turned 30. - Yeah, you could tell, if you look at my face, sometimes if I go like this, I look a little younger. - Come on! - Come on! - It was too a little bit. - It makes everybody just back a little bit. - I just got back from Korea. - And? - I'm Andrea Jin. - Oh, my God. - Keep that in. - Keep it. - Yeah, yeah. - Boy, you're my arm. - I'm tired, that's a merch. - That's really fun. - That's fun. That's good to merch. (upbeat music) ♪ But you ♪ ♪ Blue ♪ ♪ Two ♪ ♪ Two ♪ - Luchoo, guys. - Guys, sex is back on the table. - It is? Well, we serve it here, baby. - Or the counter or the bed. Or wherever you do it. Thanks to Luchoo Gold, the new arousal boosting formula from the number one better sex brand. - Oh. - Luchoo is making bedrooms, noise again. - Yeah, again. - And it doesn't get just get your heart, no way. - Yeah, dude, it gets your aroused, honey. - Turned on, dude. - My God. - Got the famous anxiety, bro. - Luch does. - No, you did, no. - Oh. - Luchoo Gold quacks the noise, so you can hand the business, bro. - But you take a Bluetooth. - Yeah, tell me about it, nature. - Get ready to meet your new dick. He's confident. - Yeah. - He walks into the room with a chin up. - Why not knock, knock? - Makes high contact. - Wait, knock, knock. - Okay. - No, who's there? - Oh, who's there, sorry, my fixer. - I'll do it again, knock, knock. - Who's there? - Knock, knock, knock. - That's the sound of your bedpost when you use a Bluetooth. - Oh, wow. - Wow, dude. - Luke, you good over there? - Yeah, bro. - Bluetooth Gold is better sex in a tablet. They combined four ingredients and a one-powerful solution. - Yeah, dude. - Two ingredients get you hard physically. - I got two more support for the radio. - You get that arousal and desire in your brain. You go, I wanna have sex. - Let's go, dude. - You guys have a complete experience of the better one with Bluetooth Gold, bro. - Well, there's a reason Bluetooth is a number one brand for better sex. Spirited yourself at Bluetooth.com. We've got a special deal for our listeners. Right now, when you buy two months of Bluetooth Gold, you get the third free with Promo Code Belly. That's Promo Code Belly. You will also receive an additional 10% off free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit Bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information. We thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the pot in the bedroom, dude. - Oh, yeah. (upbeat music) - Yeah, so, no, but I've never asked you, what made you want to get into comedy? (laughing) - What do you mean? - I mean, I was just, you know, wanted to do. - No, no, he asked me, fuck, Lord. - Oh, he's looking for an aggro. - No, I'm curious, fuck, Lord. - Oh, look, it's right at me. - Yeah, it's a fuck, Lord. - You have a couple. - Yeah, it is, okay. - Why? - So you can have sex with as many women as you want. - Whoa, dude. - Yeah. - You were getting girls, anyway. - I was not, I was a big loser. - No. (laughing) - Fuck, bro. - Did you ask that question to me? What made me get into comedy? - Yeah, I was just trying to move it along. - Yeah, yeah. - Okay, well, it was a weird segue. as long as it drives on two wheels. - What, did you do that Alpoil local commercial? - Yeah. - How was it? - I'll send it to you, can. We'll swipe to a moment of it. - Yeah. - Did you dance in it? - No, dude, I was twins, just like stack and smoke or the cannibal guy, oh they say, I don't really think that. I don't really know, but the guy that played twins, the Vincolposs, or-- - The Vincolposs. - Can you show mine again, please? - Were you-- - Your Alpoil local commercial? - Yes, please. - And then we're gonna show yours. I don't think you did one. - Okay, yeah. - You took a job away from actual twins. - Hey, it sounds more like I got a job that the twins didn't take. (laughing) - Wait, wait, wait, you were twins in the-- - I'm the twins. - You were twins in the Alpoil local commercial? - Yeah. - So you were doing Michael B. Jordan shit back then. - That's what he said, stack and smoke. - Oh, I've been hanging out with, dude. - Oh, that was the joke? - Yeah. - Dude, I gave Michael Jordan. - I'm like three minutes behind. - I'm gonna send you a picture. I gave Michael B. Jordan the idea of-- - Did I come up yet? - Look, did I come up yet? - Yeah. - Yeah, there you are. - No, no, no. - They're out. They're out. (laughing) - Let's see yours now. - It's not there, I'll set it to you. I don't-- - Look at that, some of my work. - Yeah. - That's Matt TV Bobby. - Look good. - Yeah, this is before Matt TV. - You're on the, he's on the left. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, I know. This is like, here's the magic of this. I got in right when they were like, you know what, we should use minorities. - Because my first manager said, I said to him, I gotta wanna say his name, but I said to him, I go, "Hey, do you think I can get a commercial agent?" And he was like, "You're never gonna get one." - He said that to you. - Yeah, because in the landscape at the time was like, you know what I mean, it was just white dudes. And I go, "I think it's changing." - Yeah. - And so I switched managers and I have the manager I have now, and she was like, "Yeah, I think that's a good idea." And I started booking these. - That sucks that that was a thing and still is. - And-- - And look to minorities right there. - Yeah, I know, we were like, couldn't believe it. - Yeah. - Yeah. - What, what me? - I think you guys are just as good as anyone else. - Shut up, fuck you. - Better even. - Yeah, we're better. - Yeah, at least as good I was saying. Like on your own. (laughing) - Yeah, thank you so much. Is there a rick. No, did you lie? No, okay. What are you doing? - Luke, have you done that commercial? - No, I don't have a commercial agent or anything. I actually asked my managers. - I can get you one. - I said, do you think I should get a commercial agent? - And they're like, yeah. - Okay. - Okay. - Oh, well, now what I'm gonna do. - I found Rick, so Wikipedia, his age is 30. Age 30 in 1996. - Wow, you are 30. - Yeah, man. - Also, I find my L.P. local commercial. - Okay. - This is not a real photo. - Kent State? - This is a fake photo. This is a doctored photo. - Yeah, you, you, it's said you've been paid this. - That's what you were worth. - Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. Hey, tension to this. - I'm glad that. - Oh, shit, he won. - He's a fake. - Yeah. - Man sliced avocado and crispy bacon. - Wow, you look totally different. - Yeah, you kind of look different. - Yeah, I'm an actor. - Man, you don't even know what you're worth. - Introducing the Google. - That's not my voice, that's not my voice. That's not my voice. That's not my voice, that's not my voice. - That's too bad voice. Why'd you do that accent at the end? - You're 42. - Okay. (laughing) - No, no, no, no. - Is that real? - Yeah. - You look really good. - Are you looking at 42? - Why can you own up to where you are? - I'm 55, and who cares? - Damn. (laughing) - Damn. - You don't talk about that. - You don't talk about Kevin Hart, Don Cheetle. - No, that's a Byron Island. - Are you guys seeing that clip? - Yeah, yeah. - Go ahead. - No, whatever, man. - Did you know who I was doing? - You got to be in the fool. - Yeah, Mr. T, yeah. - Okay, thank you. - Thank you. - Was that Byron Island? - That was Byron Island. It caught cross between. - Right, yeah. - What's going on, dude? What's going on with your mustache? It's different. - That's good. - Yeah. - Those Odyssey Oceans, that goes on forever. - I just tried. - It's a stretch, okay, like that. - Yeah, yeah. - The Aegean. - The Aegean Sea. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Did you see it? I'm seeing it on Thursday. - Oh, you're going to love it. Do you see it? - I'm ex. - It was good. - You didn't like it, though. - No, I loved it. I really liked it. - No spoilers. - I love that the sirens. - Oh. - Yeah, you can say that. - I thought that I wanted it to see more of the sirens. (laughing) - Tell me when you're done. Okay. - Your ears off like that? - He can't hear you. - He's like closing your ears. - He can't hear you. - Okay, we're done. - What did you say? Are we done? - Yeah, we're done. - Yeah. - You heard her through just the actual. - What do you call it? - Life. - Life. - Yeah. - Okay, is it your high done yet? Or no? - I feel like you're still high. - Let me be, man. Let's just talk, man. (laughing) What's going on? - All right. - Like, help me shine here. - Okay. - Just let's talk, man. - To tell me about your Pepsi Cola. - Yikes. (laughing) - So yeah, let's talk. - How long have you guys been dating? - Okay. - Cat and I? - Yeah. - We're not, we're just friends, man. - Well, that's not what I heard. - Roll the toilet. - Roll the toilet. - Do you smell something funny with AI? - You hearing something? - Yeah. (laughing) Well, cats, are you dating still cat? - I'm single. - Oh. - Yeah, yeah. - Are you done with the dating? - Am I done with it? - Yeah. - You're the dating. (laughing) - That's not like where you asked it. (laughing) - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're done with the dating. - Fire it out. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. - No, I'm not done. I'm just, you know. - You're beginning. - I'm beginning, right? - Yeah. - It's the Odyssey. - It's the Odyssey. - You should be. - Well, I feel like I'm a little young for you. - Yeah, you're a little young. - Yeah, that's true. - You're only 30. - You're only 30 there. - Yeah, years old, you know, when I first started coming around Tiger Belly, there was glass up on the wall. - Oh. - Oh, there was, yeah. - Yeah. - And COVID, yeah. And. - What happened to, oh, sorry. - Oh, go. - No, go ahead, okay, sorry. - No, no, after you. - Please. - I was just wondering if Hauntah is still around. - Yeah, Hauntah Kim is around. - Hauntah, is it Hauntah? (laughing) - Hauntah, do you remember that? - Hauntah virus, yeah. - Is it still happening? - Oh, it's gone, it's gone. - It's bombing the spokesperson. - I'm the spokesperson of Hauntah. - You know how to do it? - And blood flow. - I heard blood flow. - Yeah, that's my two ad-aids. That's my, I'm sponsored by them. - By blood flow? - And Hauntah, yeah. - Yeah, I can't even get involved with this. - I guess it's Paul take you shoes off. - Yeah. - Nobody heard me. - Yeah. - I heard you. - Really? - Yeah. - What was the first part? - I don't really remember. - Yeah, oh, you heard me, but you forgot? - Well, it's so fast. - Yeah, and that's at the car. It doesn't actually hear Jimmy Hendrix and what man can jump. - Rick, have you always been really smart? - You know, I got smart like 10 years ago. - How did it happen? - I became 20. - Yeah. - Oh, tell me about history versus so smart. What happened to the Civil War? - Which one? - Fire it out. - Oh. - Which one? - Which one? - You know, when FDR created the New Deal, he wasn't just creating the UN. He was also setting a set of sex imbalances and stuff about the economics. - This is sex imbalances. - Oh, you have metaglasses, that's what it is. - No, I have to go. - That's how you got to a smart, you got to a smart. (laughing) - You got those glasses and then just made you smart 'cause you can read stuff on the glasses. - Sorry, can hear you. - I was too busy masturbating. - On your glasses? - Yeah. - I don't know, man. - What you masturbating must be very clinical. - I agree. - Dude, I masturbate. - I'm gonna put that toilet paper here. - Right, I'm gonna have the lube right here. - No way, dude, I'll come in. - My little machine here. - I'll come anywhere, dude. They're lying. - Yeah, that's fine. - Yeah. - I mean, is there a ritual or no? - A certain time, maybe? - Yeah. - Yeah, go time? (laughing) - Oh yeah, yeah. It's all go time. - Yeah. - Andy Cosell once said that he-- - I love Andy Cosell. - Same. - He said that I feel like I'm always five minutes. Masturbating makes you five minutes late anywhere. (laughing) Yeah. I always thought that was funny because I was like, oh, he's somebody that probably gets horny if he has to go do something. So he masturbates and it's like, I could do it quick, but it's still, he's so late. - I masturbate when I have anxiety. - A little bit of both for me. - Yeah. Here's what, when I do it. Other people talk? - Or no. Cameron didn't even have to cut to me, dude. Okay. So anyway, we just play the game. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Talk about masturbating anxiety. - I just feel like it's sometimes that's what happens, you're a little bit stressed. Or like you said, oh, is that what you do when you have plans? - Oh, I don't masturbate. I haven't masturbated in almost three hours. (laughing) - Good. - You were just on a spot. - Oh! - Jesus, you're not sneaking up on me like that, dude? - Sorry, I'm just mad. - That was a lot. Sorry. - Yeah, I apologize. - Sorry, I'm sorry. - Okay. - I don't know. - You know he's bus and bus. I'm like, I'm down to earth just like you. - Yeah. - What's his name? Lucas. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Lucas. - Is it short for Lucas? - No. My name is Lucas. - Lucas is not, Lucas is in his own name. - I live on the second floor. - Your birthday is? - No. - That's like Rick. - No, but Rick is at my actual name. - Is it rich? - Like that. - How come one is saying no one even got into it? We should all sing that song together. Did you guys all think that Luke was short for Lucas? Did you ever, did any of you think that Luke was an actual name? - One, two, three. - I didn't mean that. - My name is, everyone. One, two, three. My name is Luca. I live on the second floor. Like Bob is Robert. - Yeah, I guess depends who you ask. - No, what he's born Bob. - People are born Bob. - I'm Robert. - No. - Yeah. Can we talk about anxiety or? - Oh, yes. You were talking about jerking off? - Cat. - That's short. - Okay. - It's monsters. - Everyone's a shortened name here, except for me. - No, there's gotta be a longer version of that. What is that, is that short for Catatonic? - A Sarah. - Come on. - No, it's Catherine. - Catherine, yeah. - Yeah. What's your actual name, Bobby? - Robert. - Robert? - Yeah, Robert. So I'm saying that's what I just said I said everyone's a short name here except for me. I'm just Luke period boom No, but but before that great sounds, but before that I was saying Bob, yeah, can we call you Lucian that be cool. Yeah, Lucian is one of the is one of the vamp is one of the werewolves in in Yeah, underworld, right? Sigmund Fried's brother's name was Lucian. That's probably why they did that cool. Did you see all the underworld? Yeah, yeah, I love them all. Yeah, and I had a huge crush and Kate back in sale because hey, I'm a guy Yeah, but also the other actress who plays one of the underworld things. Yeah, I don't remember her name No, no, no, in underworld she it's underworld. We look up the underworld What is it called? It's just the last one No, yeah, but but it's a it's a different underworld. What's the last underworld called Without Kate back in sale underworld like Oh Rona Mietra is very pretty Rona Mietra Anyway, underworld was a series of movie. It's too blue almost so blue. It's not blue. Yeah, it's too blue almost Yeah, yeah, the filter. I used to not love the Batman cartoon when I was growing up because it was too dark Like sometimes you couldn't see stuff right like in a game of thrones that what was it called? What was the no spoiler here, but the battle of the bastards? No, that very end with it with the That was too dark. Yeah, that was dark. That was dark. You just saw the episode right and the blue makes me also feel it's like It's a little it's too blue. Yeah, I don't like it to anything too yellow to I wonder if that's that baronstein bears thing though What's it called? Yeah, a manella fact. Yes Where maybe I'm because I'm picturing the blu-ray? I know it's dark. Yeah, but is it blue because it makes sense? Yeah, I don't know if that's the case if you're named Bob and that's your full name And you really remember the color schematics of underworld will you please send me a message? I want to send you merch I just learned about the men. Is it Mandela effect? That's it. You're talking about Well, which one are you talking about? The one where you think that something but it's something else. Oh, yeah, you mean like I'll give it Mandela false I don't know. Yeah, can I give you a Mandela effect that you might not know? Sure, right during the Batman's There's the original Batman like with what's in it West? What's his name Adam West Adam West right he didn't have an eyeball in the show What do you mean? He just had one eye Adam West has one eye. Yeah Why didn't he play Jack Sparrow? Exactly great point. Yeah, that joke didn't work at all because I made up I made up a Mandela effect What's the joke the joke is making up a Mandela effect? No? Joke was captain Jack Sparrow. Oh, okay. Yeah, da da da da da da no. Oh, Jesus Christ power editing this I'm so embarrassed of myself. No, can you got this right? Can you do this one? Have you watched all the pirates of the Caribbean's? Oh, yeah, I rewatched them not too long ago. How many how many are there now? Oh? I was three or four. Yeah, you know back to the Batman cartoons. There's a new one coming up. I'm very looking forward to a cartoon at that man one I bought it. I would pre-ordered it. Oh, so it's out already. I don't know. I don't think it's out. Yeah, it's in the can It's in the can. Yeah, I pre-ordered. I love those animated Batman movies. You can you suggest one for me? Well, I think maybe if you it's not a movie, but have you ever seen the show Gargoyles? No, I think you'd like that. It's this made up Really Gargoyles. Yeah, I don't believe you I watch this as a kid. Oh, you're wow. Why would I like the Gargoyles? You know, they look like a space jam characters Don't they a little bit? Yeah. What's a human about in the middle? That's not a human. She's not a human She's reporting she represents she represents the world. Yeah, that's a OC. That's kind of like how Meghan Markle is in suits Yeah, oh, I love that. AOC was in Gargoyles. Yeah, the green one Stephen Miller She's fighting wall. Yeah Did you have a bit favorite Batman villain? There were there are some there are some that like I got really that into people You know if you look at the Batman villain list people really love iceman Yeah, but how do you do out the fuck is Mr. Freeze okay, yeah, yeah, Mr. Freeze my bad my bad bad people really love Mr. Freeze, right? And it's like how do you do that in the Matt Reeves world? Make Mr. Freeze yeah, I mean he's such a character. You can probably like dry No, because you know in the Matt Reeves World right. Yeah, everything is grounded correct. Yeah, like even even the Christopher Nolan Batman's all the villains are grounded like they could be Real how do you do Mr. Freeze in a in maybe we'll have discovered in the second movie? I don't know there's some of them like how do you do poison ivy poison ivy? I think you could do you can make her like a crystal lady and she could be kind of weird and just poisoning people with like Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. You know like Cersei's in the Odyssey. Yeah, I feel like make it like that. Yeah, yeah There's also like that. What's the crocodile guy? Mr. Croc penguin no croc Good a croc Who's croc killer croc? Yeah, now these ones right they did Bane I thought Bane was good. Yeah, but like how do you do man bat? How do you just sell them? I know they did pull my shorts down. I don't yeah, I don't care. I'm gonna move on without you if you're not gonna add Solomon Grundy right is dead actually. How do you do that? I think Clayface would be difficult. They did it. They're doing it They already did it. What do you mean? Look at the trailer looks great. Really? Yeah, and it was okay. Yeah, the mad hatter's a good one calendar man. Yeah, have you heard about him? He's like one of the more underrated Tell me about calendar man. What is it? What's his villain part? He just knows the dates That's good He remembers all the things. Yeah, he tells Batman. I'll be here marked there. You know if I had to play Any Batman villain right now with my energy. Yeah, I think I'd want to play Joe chill. There's no just Joe. Oh, there's oh, yeah You're Joe chill Yeah, I'm Tony Zuko Yeah, that's all I'm gonna be alcohol. That's kind of a cool car my fucko. It's already in it. He's in it. Yeah, he's already in the world He's oh big. He was played by all these crazy names. What's his name? From John tutorial John tutorial John tutorial plays Carmine Carfell vocal. That's cool. Yeah, I don't know. Roni. Hey, it's on my own I'm clocking I know calendar man We do time I'll be there just oh false face. Yeah, that's under a gym. These are Crazy quilt. That's kind of yeah crazy quilt. What's going on? You can't add I'm not No, I'm not easy. What is going tell me what's going on? It's weird. See what I say. Okay, I don't know. I didn't hear you said Hey, probably is that a new camera? Take a look real quick. Oh Never mind. I thought I saw something. Oh Yeah, nothing man. We were just talking about how we think the views are probably going up during that part Yeah, right right. I'm trying to steer the ship into different areas. I know and Mr. Freeze is on board because iceberg right ahead Why don't we turn on to something else than making silly jokes about Batman villains that we don't know Ask me but this is something that you're into no Yeah, you know, I'm into taking a shit. I don't want to do that for an hour on this podcast Okay, better out than then my grandfather used to say it's better to belch and bear the shame than not to belch and bear the pain Okay, can I ask you this? What about Bobby Lee? That's a good villain. Oh, yeah, yeah, shout out to Scott Hepburn illustrator Yeah, through these oh Bert. Christchurch. That's fun. That's a fun one. That is interesting. Did you see that the the laugh factory has? Has a start doing the cards. Yeah, I know. What do you think about that? Hey, man? Blah blah blah blah of flattery. You know, I'm trying to say yes. I do. Yeah, okay. I think you're in those deck of cards. Yeah Well, they gave me five grand. I'll tell you something. I'm like it ain't worth it but at the end of the day I was like I'm just It's $5,000. That's good money. That's good money, but but like I didn't want to do that because like I'm making my own cards here But like I'll give you $5,000. You've got to sign some stuff. I'm like You know what? I'm not gonna come on here and say hey, man I'm fully enlightened and I'm not gonna do shit for cash straight up dude sell out. Yeah, sometimes. Yeah, sometimes But I'm not gonna I'm not I'm not gonna be ashamed of it because it doesn't feel like it's not part of my identity If there's something that I don't want to do but you'll pay me enough and it's not that big of a deal Yeah, you know like I've said no to shows and stuff not big things But like I said no, I don't think I'll shine in this. I don't I don't care about that. I say no all the time You know what I'm doing now with like hey, can you do this? Give me the fucking bag, dude Ah bag. Yeah, I'm saying like hey, I don't want to do this thing It pays a thousand dollars and it's in California when I'm here and it's like that's not enough money for what this is It's a full day of a thing. I don't think this is that funny. Yeah, I used to be like not a chance now. I'm like Give me three thousand yeah, yeah, and I give me three thousand give me three thousand And then I'm gonna use that money to help the poor I mean, I have money for that. I already have enough for that. Yeah, how much I Mean I probably give the charity probably $20,000 a year $20,000 you get what charity that's crazy being 30. I'm able to do that. Hey, man You know what I'd love to give a shout out to e-path that's people assisting the homeless if you want to pull their website up Oh, no, we'll do it. It's a wonderful charity It's a wonderful organization where they help find families They not only take them off the street and get them a home They also help pay the rent for the first year and you go in with the group of people you can make like a trip out of it You get to know the family you bring you know - You know somebody that has a mattress and somebody you help stock the fridge and you want to do what do you want to do? Do you want to do one together? - I mean, the only reason I'd say no is 'cause I want to do five together. - No, let's do, I will do one together. - Right, let's do a ePAT. We'll get about people assisting homeless. It'll be sponsored our treat to them. - Yes. - I want to go and do something like that. - Can we just, can you, do you need to bring money or can you just bring them? - You could donate your time. You could donate as long as it's like new stuff, nice stuff. - Okay. - But you have to lift people, if you ever like, hey, I have this couch and it's, you know, we got a new couch and it's like, it looks new and it's clean. Like, think, like, what do I do with it? Oh, contact them. Contact them, say, I have this furniture. I don't, you know, they can help arrange. - I want to do, I want to do an 800 pound man kind of thing. - What's that mean? - Like, you know, he's in an apartment. - Yeah. - We gotta lift him 'cause we have to put new furniture in. - I don't know if he can really ask for it. - And we can't, look, we're like, lifting him out, right? And then bringing him back in. And we have conversations like. Do we have to bring him through the door? - Do you like one piece? - Oh, whatever, they'll do it. But, yeah, yeah, that'd be cool. - Okay. - I want to help help. - Well, why don't you start by zipping it up and I think let's talk for a little bit. (laughing) - Fair, fair enough. (laughing) How long you been on Tiger Belly? - I don't know. - All right. Bobby? - Do what? - I'm trying. - I don't. - Hey, I like-- - I'm like a side guy. Like, if you, you know, if people balance off, I can't. I'm not a spotlight guy. I can't. - Try to be a spotlight. - I can. - Oh, wow, okay. So, could I, could then, could the lights just be on in the room for a moment? And you happen to be in them, but it's not just on you. And can I ask you a couple of questions? Because I came in here a little stoned and I'm-- - Aery stone. - Yeah, I think very. - Okay. - I think very. - Okay. - You're eating the-- - You're not normal. - You came in here with munchies, you're asking for hot cheetos and stuff. - Don't make it. - No, I know why you're not a spotlight guy, Jesus Christ. - I'm asking for cheetos and stuff. - See, now you're attacking me. You put me in the spotlight and now you're attacking me. - Shut up. I'm asking you a question. And instead of even thinking about what I'm asking you, you're not even listening to me right now. Hold on. - You didn't think us for lunch. - Hey, just relax, man. - You think that's for lunch? - You know what, you need a little Joe chill. Relax. And by far, even more annoying than me, the most annoying part of this episode was the last minute. And it's not because you're shining. It's because you're telling the light guy, get away, get away, he's just trying to do his job. You're here, look at, you're in the light. Now I want to ask you something. - Okay. - Are you nervous? Are you scared? 'Cause I didn't realize that this was real until I started this a couple of minutes ago. And I realized, oh, we're making jokes and stuff. And like, there's something going on. (laughing) - Before I, okay, first. - Yeah. - Breathe. - Thank you for lunch. - Let's go. - It's very good. - Hey, funny. (laughing) Since the year, hey, you know what? Yeah. - A little reflective. - Yeah. - Second. - Wait, before you say it. - No, your job isn't to hit the ball. Your job is to step up to the plate and be present. - Yeah, okay. - Yeah. - That helped. - I show, hey. - Yeah. - Yes. - Yeah, but that's not the job, yes. - No. - Okay. - Second, what? - So what is it, could you just tell me the truth without projecting under what other people will be thinking but how you're feeling? - Sweaty. - Right now you are. - Yeah. - Are you under pressure because of his energy right now? - Bobby, if, and listen, I should take this note. If we can be quiet when somebody nervous starts to answer, maybe they'll start to continue to answer if we give them the space. - I know, but he sat here through Dave Franco and Thomas Lennon and all these people, right? And he was in the pocket, right? - Yeah, but you're making him nervous. - They're not, they're not. - I want to slide on him for a second. - They're not artists like me. - I know. - Oh, okay. - They're not. - They get $20,000 a year to charity. - Oh, charity is my ex wife's mother-in-law, by the way. - Okay. - I understand that you're nervous, but you're not nervous because I don't want to take away from Bobby, you're nervous because I don't know what to say. I'm not saying that's what it is, but I'm saying there's another layer underneath it. - That's what it is. - And, are your parents divorced? - Yes. Of course, my parents are divorced. - Yeah, fight back. I like this. - Oh, I should. - Go in, go into him. - I'm not going to go into the gas. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, go into the gas. - You don't have to say no to him. - Look, look at me. Say yes, okay. - No, you don't say it. Just like, oh, Bobby's throwing stuff at the wall. I've seen something stick. And it's messy. The whole house smells like piss, by the way. - I know it does. - What's that about? - Yeah. - The whole house smells like piss. - It's crazy. - It's cat piss, yeah, yeah. - It's crazy. - After cats. - Yeah. - Yeah, if he got down, there's weird fun. - We have cats? - Yeah, yeah. - But how many pussies? - Here we go. That's good. - Learn. - Yeah, I'm trying to listen and learn. - Yeah, you'll learn. - I also want to acknowledge that I don't love. - Go into cat. - Oh, and somebody puts-- - Go into cat now. - I love to see a man give birth out of his dick. - Yeah, that's true. - Women are strong. - They are strong. - But men could also give birth out of their dick. - It would be much painful, I think. - Yeah, I mean, imagine. The whole is so small. - That's what the movie "Junior" was like. - It's like a vein, like a little vein, the whole. - Out. - Yeah. - Have you seen the movie "Junior" with Arnold Schwarzenegger, where he gives birth to a baby through his penis, I think, right? - Was it a small baby? - It's an Arnie baby. No, it's thick. It's thick. I don't remember what the baby was. I remember they originally offered it to Will Smith, and Arnold really wanted to do it. And he said, "Please, let me do it. I'll be black." - That was good. Thank you. (clapping) - Anyway, I am sorry for what-- - Oh. - Oh, you're not even going to leave me. Oh, actually, now you know what? I'm not sorry anymore. That's actually tough. I was like empathizing for a little bit. I'm like, oh, I literally can't even say something. I didn't even get to say-- - I've been empathized for a little bit. Thank you for the brief moment of empathy. Just for a moment. - Yeah. - I am, we're so on a different frequency, and I didn't realize that until recently. And I'm like, listen, I'll take the blame. - Can I defend him for a second? But like, I can't even fucking talk. - This is a second pod today. - Right, so he's warmed up. - No, he had a big launch, right? He's a little groggy, right? I mean, I'm like, yeah. And it's like, you already played a game. It's like telling somebody to play two games and one thing. - Freakly, Freakly, I was nervous that this exact thing would happen because you are very sharp. You're very on it, you're very quick. You're a professional podcaster. I'm not a professional, anything. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And I was like, oh, Rick's gonna come in here with big energy. I have to make sure that nothing goes awry and nothing gets flipped on me. And here we are. I'm the frickin' butt of the joke. I'm the big stupid, stinky, sweaty idiot, okay? And that's what I'm trying to do. You're doing a great job. You're a good guest. And I don't wanna take away from your skills of doing it. And I'm been talking, thank you. - Everyone's uncomfortable with silence. I just wanna take in and hear what he's saying. That's an actual movie. - And that's where the baby came out of his weiner. - You feel like you have to show up a certain way. And because of the way you feel I am, you feel it's difficult to do that. In a way, I could look at that as I'm like taking away your energy. I'm like casting a shadow on you but I don't feel responsible for that. I do understand, recognize I'm coming in with this energy. I would love to give you a little bit of advice for not for you to do, but for you to consider. 'Cause what do I know? - You're a homicidal man. - Have the conversation. - You're out of your fucking mind right now. - And let it be bad. Don't not have the conversation 'cause you're afraid it might be. - Luke. - Take it or leave it. - No, leave it, leave it. 'Cause I really wanted to talk to you for a second. - Was it an earnest though? - Leave me alone. - Yeah, see, it wasn't an earnest though. It was a question to set me up and to beat me. - Stop, I just said it was. Do you know I'm joking? - Yes, I know you're joking. - Oh, yeah. - Come on. You're killing me. - It'll be tough. - This is a real movie. I've never heard of this movie. - Do you have? - I really literally have never heard of it. So he's pregnant. - Yeah, he said he'll be black. - Wait, what did you say? - The Will Smith Joe. - He was the most effective from earlier. - Oh, okay. - Yeah, you have to follow. - Do you know that he almost really did this in real life but they couldn't figure out the technology didn't exist at the time? But he actually was down to give birth. - Oh, like method. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Really do it. - Yeah, but they don't have the technology now. Yeah, they do. - That's not his real belly. - It's probably his real belly but they probably painted it red. - How did he become impregnated? - Are they a couple of these two? - No, that's his twin on their twin brothers. - Oh, so this is an off-tune of twins? - Junior is twins, too. People don't know that, but they even have the same names in it. - That is, yeah. - So there are brothers, but. - No, that's a doctor. It's a science experiment. He's a scientist. - But not, but they're still twins. - Yes. - The scientist and he did the science on himself. - Yes, I don't remember exactly - Is he full of metal right now? So is it a terminator thing, too? - No, no, no, no, no, it's just. - Maybe infuse all of it, you know what I mean? - Infuse like water. - I'd be back. - It was Mr. Freezes. - I'll be back. What movie is that from? - Terminator. - Okay, very good job. You're on it. - Okay. - I saw an interview with James Cameron. and that Arnold wanted to make it, I will be back. I don't remember, it was maybe something 'cause of his accent and you wanted to something. And James came and was like, "No, this is better." And they was actually like a little back and forth. And Arnold was like, it's like the biggest, it's, you know, catchphrase. - Yeah. - Arguably the biggest catchphrase ever. - Yeah, yeah. - That in "Dino Might." - That's a big one. - Yeah. - But the nightmare of Jimmy Walker ever since then, he was the one that said it. - Yes, I made a different joke. - Okay. - Okay, what's going on with us right now, dude? We're not in real time. - And you know what? It's my fault. - No, it's not. Have you ever seen Google hunting? Is that okay that I asked you that? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude! - Yeah, I've seen it. - Yeah. - And I would appreciate someone saying that it's not my fault. - It's not your fault. Thank you. - There's something going on in your mind right now. - Okay, so that is my fault. - Well, it's your fault for reacting that way. - Look at the crinkles. - But not for having those feelings. - Look at the crinkles in the eyes when he smiles. - It's really good. - 'Cause it seems like you're, I don't know if you know that I'm being playful. - I know, I know. - That bet it doesn't, you don't like it. - No, I know. - 'Cause you're getting so upset that it's fucking nuts to me. 'Cause I'm like, are you joking, but you're not not. - I am joking. - No, he's full of rage. - But it's real, man. There's something there. - It's not, it's not. - Well, then could I keep playing the way? Is there something you'd like to play? - All right, well, you want to throw the dragon. - No. - You're going. - You're getting a good job. - All right, look, show the dragon. - Thank you. - No, I'm not showing his dragon. - Show the dragon, dude. - I'm gonna grab the snake and. - Okay, yeah. That put call back, that was a long time ago. (laughing) That was from the other, that was from the other part, that's why I don't know yet. - That's okay, man. (laughing) - To the universe, it's in the universe. - You pulled the way back, dude. - Yeah. - You went to the Iliad to do the audits. (laughing) - What about Cat? - What about Cat, how are you Cat? - I'm good, I'm good. - Going to Rick blaze into Cat, because I don't like her attitude either. I'm not here to blaze, I'm here to connect. - Yeah, you already blazed on the last one. - Yeah. (laughing) (laughing) - Good one, dude. - Thank you. - Yeah. - Are you seeing anybody, Rick? - I'm dating. - Yeah. - I'm dating. - Mm-hmm. - Well, when I say I'm dating, I mean like, I've gone on some dates, and I'm open to going on some dates, but I'm not really actively dating, nor am I avoiding. I think I'd like to be dating. - Yeah. You know what I really like to be doing? - Tell me. - I'd like to be continuing this podcast, and having a great time connecting with you guys. And then I'd like to go pick up my doggy from camp, where I put him at camp for the first time. - Oh, that's sweet. - That's nerve-wracking. - And go home to my partner, guy or girl? - Yeah. - It doesn't matter, probably a girl, preferably a boy. No, preferably. - A man, me. - No, I'm more attracted to women than I am men. I've never sexually been with a man. - Okay. - I couldn't marry one because like how many times do I have to tell you how to put a dish in the dishwasher? You put a bowl on the bottom rack. If there's not a separate sprinkler for the top rack, it's stopping the upper thing from doing it. - I just learned that. - Yeah. Well, you know what, your frontal lobe cortex is whatever. - Why are you peeing on the toilet seat? - 30. - I think my boyfriend would do that. - He would do that. - Yeah, just pee all over the toilet seat. - And nothing in the toilet. - And nothing in the toilet, yeah. - Oh, no. When I pee, and I'm old fashioned, if there's a lady over, I'll pee on the porcelain, so she doesn't hear how big my dick is. I'm serious. - Does that make it interesting? - Is that how you can find out how big it is based on? - If you know about dicks and pests, - Yeah. - If you could hear someone-- - It's that thick. - You could hear someone's piss. It's hitting the water that hard. It's not that the piss is thick. It's not that you're running-- - No, no, your penis-- - Your penis is wider. - Okay. - I don't know, man. - I feel like you run it up. - You got a churro, dick, dude. It's probably thick as fuck and send him in a shit. - Mine? - Very good. - Yeah, there is a flake, dude. Your dick's probably only this long, some more so it's this thick, but there is a flavor. Can't get my hands. - Churros aren't that thick. - Oh, no. - It would slam on me. - It's not about the thickness of a churro. It's about the acid. - Mine have ridges. - The texture. - It's the aspect for sure. Oh, also, when I'm thinking churro, I'm thinking Jack in the box is churros. Not a long thing. - Oh, I see. - Because it has the thick-- You said the piss is thick. That you're re-throwed with the cinnamon stuff comes out that would be real. That's what I was thinking. - And sometimes you dunk them in icing. - I've never-- - I used to get the strawberry milkshakes with Oreos. - Oreo. - And then I would use the churros as a spoon for it. I used to eat that stuff five years ago, and I was your age so much. - Sometimes churros aren't good. - I agree. - I'll take it when they're not good. - Hot take. - Yeah. - Or they're underdone. - They're underdone or they're stale. And when they're stale, they're not good. - Dry. - Hot take, dude. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Are you sure? Cut that off. - Churros, man. When they're stale. Okay. They're not good, dude. Yeah. That's like saying when you go to a blah, blah, blah. Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda. Fill it in post. - No. I mean, I think that-- - I can't say anything to them. - No. - Today, I cannot say anything. - Yeah. Welcome to my world, man. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - I cannot-- - It's chaos. - To get, like, use this to connect. - I think that's-- - It's-- - I mean, I've been feeling that way, too. You know, I've been feeling that way. I've been feeling that way, too. Traditionally, biologically-born women, they give birth to life. All we do is eat nachos and jerk off. But Arnold does, did it. He burst. I'll clap. I'll clap. I'll clap. I guess. I guess. I guess. I guess. Mark Wahlborkian invincible. I'm a condensable. I'm a condensable. Underrated, indispensable. Matter of fact, a figure of opinion. White or black, we know the jurisdiction of our mind's eye reflected in the mirror backwards twice. Put a finger to the glass. Check the back door for mice. Situation speaks in your own hearts. Agree. Tiger belly. Coca-Cola. Chains on bleens. Oh. I'm sorry, she distracted me. Yeah, you fucked that up. Why did you do that? He was on a floor. They call it a flow. Yeah, you're disrupted the flow. I'm sorry, I got the flow. Speaking of which, that's why I'd be on the porcelain. Because sometimes there is a disruption of flow if you're pissing hard. Interesting. Did you know that when you have a boner, girls? Also, yes, I say girls for females. I say guys and girls. You mean women? Yes, women too. Guys and girls. We need to fucking. You can't say anything anymore. You can't say anything. I understand you. I'm doing a comedy show. There's white people. There's Puerto Rican people. There's Chinese people. There's Korean people. But that's it. That's true. That's true. Like that's all yours. Come on. Oh, my God. I forgot you were here again. I'm so sorry. What were you saying? Hey. When you say that's it, like that's your limit. Like that's all you allow. I'll allow anything. That's who's attracted to my coming. Can we talk about this with this real quick? The last time you were here, right? We had called Rose because of being a paid regular. Oh, yeah. Do you remember? The last time you were here, we called her and I got. Remember, the last time you were here, we called her and I got. Remember Cat was here? Yes. We got not. And we go, "What do you think a cat become?" And she's like, "She's on it or way." I think that's what Rose said. I've been saying it the same. Yeah. And then she said, "I said Rick Loss," but she goes, "Uh, right?" Or whatever. I don't know what she said. I don't really remember. Yeah, I don't remember either. But it was devastating, though. That's what I do remember. No, she's like, "I have to see you." And I'm like, "You've seen me?" Yeah, it was that. But she was more sure of Cat. And it's interesting. You got it. No, no, no, no. You got it. You got it. You got it first before Cat. But I did something since then that I think kind of changed things. You're talking to a Phoenix. What did you do? What is it that you did? I started being honest. You know, I. I started not feeling like I needed to tell everybody my truth. But if it wasn't rooted in it, it's not sustainable. You know, you could put. You could take a green onion. Chop it up. Have just a little things. Put it in water. And it'll grow again. But at a certain point, a plant needs soil. That's true. And to me. My roots in a glass cup, I don't know man, that doesn't feel like a foundation that I wanna start my 30s in. - Yep, totally. - It's a glass cup of metaphor. - I don't know, I'm not. - Well they call me the glassman for two reasons. One, you know. - Yeah. - And two, it's not about the cup being half full. - You're breakable, that's not why. - What? - You're breakable, is that why? - Hey man, I'm human. - Where we could see through you? - What is it? - I don't get ashamed of my flaws because without them. - Can you talk about yourself? - I'd be me in five years. - Look at that. - You'd be you in five years? What does that mean? - Ball is. - I love that. - No, but not really. You always change the, like Matthew and Kanye. And then five more years. I wanna be a hundred years older, still learning. - You in the main room. - That's a great thing. - That's so great. - Look at it there. - I'm so proud of you, dude. - I'm smiling. - I really am, can we talk real enough? Because I don't wanna do these, you know, these tangents that you've been going on. We're gonna be real. Because I feel like we're not talking about anything real, you know what I mean? We're talking about all of its lies. - Okay. - Okay, so let's talk about something real at this point, okay? What I'm saying is that the last time you were here, you know what I mean? You didn't seem like you were gonna get in, and then you got in and I was so happy. Thank you for being a champion. - I've always been a champion of you. - I think you've been the champion of me there. - Yeah, I really have, and I, you know, 'cause I think that you are dynamic. - I told you. - Yeah. - What? - Yeah, I told you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that you are one of a kind, yeah. - Are you trying to flex on me? Sorry, keep going. - You know what? - I get it, no. - Rick, I get it. - Sorry. - What I'm saying, or are you saying? - I'm getting what you were saying to him earlier. - He's giving me love. - He's giving me stink eyes. - Yeah, I'm playing a character, I'm playing a character in this moment. - I'm a character in this moment as well. - I'm being serious, but like, the me, I told you, it's me being, I'm playing a character as if, like, I've been trying to tell you how funny I am 'cause I wanted you to see me that way, and here's somebody saying it, I'm like, see, this is, I'm just playing a little bit of a character. - I understand, and I'm playing it. - I think you're a con. - No, you're not. You're playing against me. - Yeah, that's what's funny, it's conflict. Conflict is what's important. - Conflict is the number one thing to avoid by default. And any improv scene, dude, ask anyone. - Yeah, yeah, it's not agreeing. - Just 'cause, you don't have to agree. Yes, Dan doesn't always mean I'm agreeing with you. - No, but it wouldn't be mad if it happened sometime. - I'm in your world, and I'm playing into your, you know what, Luke? - Maybe you guys can continue that moment. That was really nice. - What moment? - We were saying that he was dynamic. - He says, you're a champion. - Well, well-deserving. - Yeah, it was, to me, a real victory. - I never said this to you before. (laughs) And I wish that you had said it. - Bobby. - That was a good one. - Yeah, that was a good one. - My joke? - Yeah. - Yeah, man. - Your joke, man. - Can we? (laughs) - Sorry, bud. They may be leftovers, but I know how to turn them into something. - Have you seen that Asian dad who makes the sun brings, no, stop it, I mean, you know what I'm talking about, ready? - If sun brings food and he turns it into gourmet, he's a gourmet chef. - Which would be a real iron chef dad. - I don't even want to know about it. - Yeah, I didn't even listen to anything you just said. - Oh. - Yeah, I don't even want to know about it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - No, about what? (laughs) Yeah, that's a movie. No, about what? - You're thinking what about Bob? - No, you and I could be to know about what. All right. Well, thank you very much. - Thank you very much. So, to be here. So, um. - Has your life changed since you've been passed? - You know, I don't know. I don't think that that being passed has had that much of an effect on my day. I've done three more shows. - Okay. - You know. Hold on. Go ahead. - No, let me, man. - You're gonna say? - It's a little different than other places. - It's a lot different. I'm so happy. I don't mean I'm not happy. - It's a very difficult milestone. I've always wanted to be on the spot. It's very difficult. I'm very excited. - And you got in. - Look at that. - It's been a big thing for you. You had all the merch that was like not passed at the comedy store. - Listen, man. Dad has got to make a buck. - Are you daddy now? A 30-year-old daddy? - Oh, I'm helping pay my parents. - It seems like a goal you've had for a long time, though. How long do you think, how long is this? - Look at that. Look at that. Jay Leno, Mark Mern, Whitney Cummings, Rick Ingram, Rick Glassman. - Do you know Chris C.P. Powell? - He is a killer. - I would love to say something about him. I didn't know him. I met him when he went on before me at the show. And I watched Mark Mernon and then him, which by the way, also, Mark, they were so funny. He was, they were both so funny. I'm in the back laughing out loud. I really wanted, we came friends online. I wanted to come to my podcast. I don't know if people know him and I just didn't for whatever reason, but I want to, he is powerful. - Chris C.P. Powell, he is so funny. - In fact, I called Rose. I don't want to follow him. - Nobody does. - I love following her. - He's a killer. - Have you seen the show Detroiters? - Of course. - He's in it. He's the security guard in Detroiters. He is there. He is so great in that show. - Is that him? - That's so funny. - Yeah, he's great. - I didn't know that. - You're doing silly, right? 'Cause I really didn't realize that. - I was doing silly. - Yeah. - You see the Detroiters? - It's Sam Richardson. - Okay, I didn't know. - And the biggest comedian in the world right now. - You were doing a thing and then I ran it wrong. - I think you were right. - I think I was right about the joke. - I think it was right. - Yeah, I think it was better. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Okay, well it's Tim Robinson and Sam Richardson and they run a marketing firm in Detroit. And it's a very funny show. - Okay. - Anyway, Chris C.P. Powell is a powerful comedian. - How did the spot go, your first spot in the main room as a paid regular? - I don't think. - Look at that, I think good. Oh, that was the night. Then yeah, that was a really good show, I remember that one. - Dude, I mean, do you think about where you're at in that situation or no? I mean, you're sitting next to Jade Leno and Mark Marin and you're like there in the green room. Anyway, what a great photo. - I can't, I never. - How long have you wanted to be a paid regular in the comedy show? - Oh my God, dude, he's been hanging out there since he was like 30. - Yeah. - No. (laughing) - He's like for a long time. - When he was like. - A big moment. - What is that? - Like 15 years ago when he was 30, I was like, oh my God, this guy's like really, who's doing the open mics and stuff, it was cool. - I used to answer the phones there. I would always answer the same way. It was so, thank you for calling the comedy store. My name is Rick, how may I help you? - Were you a door guy? Only phones. - Only phones, they, at the time, I'll be scared, I thought I wasn't funny enough to do the doors. - Have you, have you always been a little bit kooky with your comedy? - That's a racial slur, too. - Oh, no, kooky, kooky. - God, I heard a G. - Yeah, I heard a G. - Oh, like a baby wants a sweet treat with chocolate chips. - Exactly, kooky. - Who was that, is it Rugrats? - Yes, Angelica. - And Tommy. (laughing) - Are you still high? Hey man, they're not by. Yeah, I know you're not. (laughing) But I don't know, man. - Yeah. (laughing) - I don't, I really don't know if it's because I would be, like I feel like the systemic shame. Because like, who cares, it's a dick. - Yeah. - Yeah. I have no idea what you're saying. But, - Oh, with the being bisexual? - Yeah. - Well, not necessarily, not necessarily. Maybe just, maybe gay. - Well, to me, it's like, when I did Shen and Sharp's podcast, humble brag, we know you did Shen and Sharp's podcast. - And I brought up the talking about it. - You see it? - And I talked about, I still talk penises in high school. And he goes, "You gay?" You know what I mean? And there was no openness to that. - It sounded like a vampire Shen and Sharp. - Yeah, it is. - You gay. - Because I don't know, I don't wanna make fun of them. - There's a fine line. - Oh, maybe because of, as we referenced earlier with twins and my influence on stack and smoke, maybe it's because of that. Maybe, but it's like, I don't wanna go, "Yo, man, you gay!" And just really go hard on it, you know? - You're right. - Well, I go more vampire, I go more vampire on it. - You didn't do that. - Yeah, I didn't do that, right? So it's like, it's any Murphy and vampire in Brooklyn. - Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Yeah, so anyway. So, there was no openness there about it. And just because I sucked a couple of penises in high school. - Fuck it, man. - Yeah, fuck it, yeah. - When you were working the phones at the comedy store, did it feel so far away the thought of being passed? Like, where did you think you would be? - No, I always thought I'd be passed in a year or two. - When you were 30? - Whenever I first started coming around. - Yeah, you were young when you came around. - Yeah, I was really, I had to get permission. - No, that's not true. - That's not true. - No, you're in your 20s. - Okay. - Yeah, you're definitely in your 20s. - Yeah, there was no situation like that. - No, you say, Bobby, or should I say? - Go ahead. - Do you ever remember like seeing a comic that really inspired you that you're like, "Oh, I want to be like that guy," or girl, woman? - Yeah, besides mirrors. - A woman, it's mostly women that inspired me. First, obviously, the strongest one I've ever met, my mother. - Does she do stand up? - She's, I don't know if I've ever, I think my whole life, who's given me the most laughs, it would be my mom. - Yeah. - But my mom isn't, my mom's a little kooky like me. - Yeah. And she makes people like just being sweet and like talking and like having conversations with people and just saying stuff that's like, oh, you know, and it's like, yeah, she's honest. That's fun. I can see the humor. Yeah. And then probably Will Smith's second. Okay. Yeah. I've said it on this podcast before, but Will Smith was the first time I saw that you could be goofy and cool, like being goofy doesn't mean you have to be a fool, and it's funny to play it anyway. And he could do it all, man. He could do it all. He could sing, dance, all of it. And he didn't inspire me necessarily, but around the same time of me recognizing who I'm liking, what people are able to do with their skill. Yeah. Big, big shout out to Shia LaBuff since even Stevens. Oh my God. I loved him from then and everything he's done. I love Shia. I love him. That's incredible. That's right. That's awesome. He did bad friends, yeah. I never watched the episode. I should check it out. Yeah. It was him and a man and a centino. And also David Madman. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which was crazy to have him on. David Madman is a playwright. He's a playwright. He did a gling gallery gling Ross. Right. Did you know? The movie. Have you seen the movie? It's one of the best. I prefer the play. Okay. It's one of the best movies though. Have you seen it? Gling gallery gling. It's so good. -Coffees for closers. -Yes. -I can't believe it. -I can't believe it. I can't believe it. -I handed a monote that says coffees for closers. -Yes. -Paul Dwin. -Yes. Really good movie. Yeah. It's raining. -Yes. He's never seen the Godfather. Isn't it incredible? -You've never seen the Godfather? -Yes. -That reminds me of my first joke, my first time on stage. I did it literally my first set in Cleveland. One of my jokes was, here's my impression of when, when people say, "When I tell them, I've never had an Oreo before," and I would just, like, I would get in the character and I'd turn it back and be like, "You've never had an Oreo before?" It was exactly the way you just did the Godfather thing. -Oh, yeah, that's right. -Wow. -You just read that work? -You just read it? -No. -Yeah. -Didn't seem to work here. -No. I wasn't saying, I wasn't saying, like, let me make you laugh. -Didn't really seem to work. -No, but it's still funny. Like, I do think that joke, looking back at that joke, which was the first time I did stand up. -Yeah. -The logic of it, of doing something sincerely, and that's funny. I do see how I was inspired for that kind of stuff, like, to play things very sincerely, thinking that's funny. Like, not for better or worse, but I'm just saying, thinking back to my old jokes that weren't funny. I'm like, "Oh, I do recognize what attracted to me to trying that type of thing." Does that make sense? -Yeah. -So, I feel like if you watch people's first jokes, instead of just looking at how funny are they, but, like, how does their mind work? What are they attracted to? -It's consistent. -I also think it's a good way of getting to know somebody. Like, we don't change that much. We get new tools. But, so anyway. -I think, when I see myself earlier on, right, there's some. You bored? -What? Just say yes or no. -No. -No. -It's almost so shocked by being. -But you're here, man. -No. -I'm not bored. -Yeah. -It's okay, just say that. -You drifted. -I'm not bored. -Yeah, you started looking off in the distance. -I was thinking, okay. -What are you thinking about? -I was thinking about. -That's crazy. -I'm the fucking. No, but I'm the captain of the ship. -I'm talking. Bobby. -Yeah, get off the fucking ship then. -Bobby, go ahead. -I was thinking about "Rick and I's exchange" and I was thinking about how that's going to play. And, you know, I was thinking, "Could I have handled that better?" -Should I? -Should I? -Should I? -Should I have said something? -So, that's. That's a human, and I love that. -That's good. -When Bobby says, "Hey, are you bored? You could instead of saying, "What? You could take a second to think about the question." And I was kind of drifting off. This was what I was thinking about. And now here we are. We're present again. -Okay, I'm learning. I'm not. You know, I haven't been. -Shut up! -Joking. I'm joking. -Sorry, I'm not 56 years old. I give everyone else in this room, okay? I'm so learning. -Whoa! -Oh, what the heck? -You all. -Jesus looks 56. -Oh, God! -I wasn't thinking about Cat. I was trying to. I was trying to make an attack about how he says he's 30, and I wanted to. -Oh, I thought you were raiding your past 50 jokes on a scale from 1 to 10. -56? I wasn't trying to come after Cat. I was trying to come after. -They're all sixes. -I was going to talk to you, I believe. -Yeah, but. -I'll get you later. -Sometimes I do stuff on. It's fine. You'll leave it in. But, like, I feel myself watching it and editing. I'm just like, annoying, annoying, annoying. But, like, this is what this medium is, and we just. You just put stuff out. -Exactly. It'll cut together very well. -I'm not worried about it, but I'm aware of that. And I'm like, "Man, I've done 500 podcasts, and I'm still all the time." I'm like, "Well, no. Can I be honest with you're one of the toughest guests." -Thank you, man. -Yeah, it's tough. I'll tell you why. I have to constantly be used to thinking. -Yeah. -Yeah. -It's like, "If it's up there, you're going in the floor." -This way, and it's like, "I have to follow, and then sometimes I have no idea what's going on." -And it's a very difficult thing. -Hey, man. And I'm learning from it. Like, my mind is expanding because of it. -Well, I think you're very honest. I do think you're very honest. You have moments of vulnerability that are really lovely. Yeah. Do you remember your first joke? -Can I go into what I was saying earlier? Because it was crazy. I'm like, "We can't talk about what I was going to say earlier." I just segway into that. I was like, "When I look at myself in old times and stuff." I wasn't done with my point. When I look at myself, "You're a microphone showing." I don't know if you care, but I don't have any comments. -Okay. -Sorry, Bobby. -It's not even the truth. What do you say? -I was showing it. -It's the truth. -Don't try to get into it. There's creeps. -Go ahead. -Yeah. -Anyway, um. -I'll cover up next time. -Forget what I was saying. Forget what I was about to say, because it's not going to -- No one's going to -- It's too late. -My loss. -It's everyone's loss. -Yeah, our loss. -Anyway, when I see -- Look at myself at old tapes, right? And, you know, when I first -- Like, there was this one where I did in La Jolla when I lived there. And Scott Shore, Pauli Shore's older brother, was doing a documentary. And he would -- You know, he just did film on five young comics. I was luckily -- I know -- Okay. I was lucky enough to be chosen. I had only been doing comedy for like a year. And I -- And I saw -- I did -- It was on film. -That's cool. -Right? And it was like -- And I was so bad. When you first see it, I'm bad. But then, when you see it, like, three or four times, you go, "You know what? It's the big -- Like, I could see the seeds of Bobby Lee." -Yeah. -Did a lot of people watch your three or four times? -No. -Yeah. -I think you've -- You've shown me older tapes of you, and it's still consistent with who you are now. -Your hair was so different. Why did you stop doing that? -Because it was a hook. I thought you needed a hook back then. -Hair? -Yeah. -Is it hook? -Well, it was a big movie with Dustin Hoff and Robin Williams. -No, well, yeah. I wanted to be Rufio. -Ace Fenton. -Is that what you thought, Rufio? -No, that's not what I was thinking. Back then, it's like, Chris Tucker was a thing. -Okay. -He was blowing up. -I mean, dude. -He is so funny. -I know. Naturally funny. -Everything he does. -Enterty everything. -Yeah. -So, I was trying to like, "Do a high-pitched voice." Like, "Yeah." And I was not working. And then, when -- And then, I just kind of became more myself. In a lower tone, and then just kind of paced myself a little slower. And then, try to, you know, be more real at times. -Did you ever stand still and just do your act? -No, I was never like that. I was always running around. -I was running around. -Yeah. -I always say it ain't funny if it doesn't look like your feet are on fire. -But you do that. -Who said that? -Don Rickles. -Oh. -Do you do that as well? Run around the stage a little bit? -I mean, if there's a stage, I'll use it. -Yeah. -Nice. -But run around. -Yeah. -Maybe. -Yeah. -Maybe. -Really good. -Jog? -Good stuff. -Being on that stage, real stage, you know a big stage, a stage that you could use. -Just you and that microphone. -What? -And he's saying not the bell arrow. -You're up there all alone, man. It's not like anything else. Do a spotlight thing like the lights are off spotlight on me. -Maybe snaps. -I was doing my thing. Playing my games. Until I find the situation, speaking of the things and embarrassing and all I ever feel is a drive. -My thing is that I can do this, but then I get scared from bruises. I trip by fall, I bang my noses. She distracted me again. -No, that's good. -No, why? Why? -She laughed. -I was really good. -Why did you laugh at that? -Sorry, the news is good. -Yeah, the news is good. -Anyway, Rick, you want to promote anything? -Hey, man, if you like me, you can find me. If you don't, what's the point of selling it? -Rick, Rick, he's on the loose tour. -It's good. -You're going to be in Scotland. -Yeah, I'm doing the Edinburgh Film Festival. Then I'm headed on over to Amsterdam, then Ireland. Ireland. Ireland just sold out. Maybe I'm adding another show. I don't know. Yeah. Doing five shows in England. London town. Wow. So hot theater. That's cool. That's amazing, dude. Congratulations. I'm doing a big deal. Am I doing what? Helium in Portland. Oh, yeah. Great club. Look at that. He portfolio. Oh, thanks for showing Houston, Portland, Eugene, Oregon, Tacoma, Washington, Salt Lake City, Rick Glassman.com. And if you want, I'm adding states. You can sign up from email list at Ricklassman.com. And I'll come email you if I'm coming within 50 miles of your city. I'm not going to be sending you tons of emails of my balls and my butt. But once a year, you can send you pictures of my butt. Hey, you know, that bail English is Rick Glass of the round of applause. I just want to say Rick, I think might be time for the most appearances on the podcast. Oh, time with you. Kaleila, you have on. We should have the audience vote who they want to have on more me or not me. You guys all jokes aside of the camera still rolling. I just want to say the fact that I have been here, maybe just as the most tied with the most in anybody else just shows that despite the kind of like back and forth jousting that you and I do, we are friends. And you really have been a champion of mine at the comedy store. You're the only person that I know when you went and talked to different people when they were booking. And you were the first guest that came in my podcast or one of the first that really started to bring attention to it. You helped me out on my podcast. And I normally don't do this. But if you want, I'll take I'll take his spot. I'll start coming here. That's good. No, what all jokes aside. Thank you for having me. Yeah. Epath dot org. And one love. No fat. I was there. So I think you were fat. You're just close to the camera. No, I was pretty fat. And music. Yeah. I'm a ton of love. I'm full of you. Yeah. I know.