12. Rhythm, Rigidity, & the Real You

Morning, Ange. - Morning, Dee. - Do you like my jewel tones? - I love your jewel tones. - You do not love any jewel tones, you just-- - I like them on other people. - Really? - I do. I do, and I can appreciate them on other people. Like your whole skin tone, your hair color vibe. Looks amazing. I have two ants that wear jewel tones and look fabulous. My mom wouldn't do it. It's just not my preferred vibe. - Right, I usually prefer crazy earrings, different kinds of glasses, small and little. And I just, I don't know. Is black a tone? - A jewel tone? - I feel like that's my favorite. - This is a really stretch for me. I mean, it's usually gonna be kind of basics, kind of like sticking in those like-- - Natural. - Maybe. - Maybe. - As long as you don't hate my jewel tones. - No, I could never hate anything about you. - No. So. - Ditto. (soft piano music) - We left everyone hanging with a question last week. And that was, um, ask someone to ask you, does my routine control me or do I control my routine? - An angel. - Dun, dun, dun, dun. - I'm gonna ask you, right here, this is not rehearsed. - You know me. - I know you. - At this point in my life, I know the answer. And I'm feeling a little bit sweaty about it. - Yeah. - Does my routine control me or do I control my routine? - I think first I would have to articulate what your routine is, what I would articulate is your routine. - You want to tell everybody my routine? - Well, not particularly. (laughing) - What does it that you want? - I would chance to say that you're in partnership with your routine. - Oh, I love how you said that. - Because I think there are some measures where it has you as maybe it should. That's something we can flesh out. And there's other things that I think you are still a master of your own routine. So you're able to adapt and shift. Should you be in a different context or if a different season presents itself, I think you're able to do both. - Thank you. - On Monday, we kicked out a new topic for this week and that's routines. And we defined routines as the bridge that gets us from an inner core value or belief to an outer expression of that in the world. And so in our processing of this topic throughout, we talked about resurrection and how really routines have resurrected us. By developing new routines, they have served as resurrection places for us, meaning not to create a new life, but to reawaken the life that we've always had. - Yes. - Becoming who we really are, essentially. - That implies cyclical living. And cyclical living is not linear, meaning that cyclical living embodies this whole ability to re-evaluate, to re-align, and to re-engage with those around us. - Yes. I love that thought of, this is not linear. It's not like we start here and it's an ever-ending line of eventually, I'll get there. But that this process of routine is cyclical. - Yeah. - So I may do one routine for a while and find, I'm different or I need to make adjustments. It's not like once decided, always decided. - Yes. I think it implies and builds in a framework where you can go back and re-examine, re-align to your inner core and say, is that working? Is that the best practice for this season? - Yeah. - So it makes you wiser. So then we talked about what routines are, but what are routines not D? - Routines are not about doing more. - Mm. - Right. - Really we want to focus on protecting, nurturing, that space where vulnerability, authenticity, and alignment live, the routines come out of that. - Right. - Not we are not advocating for an external adjustment to your life, but an expression of the inward work you've been doing. - Right. And I think again, that's why that phrase to what end is so important here. - Well, let's go back to the questions. - Yes. - The framework on Monday that was so helpful. - Right. And once again, just to restate the two, really, really important questions always that can guide you is who do I want to be and what do I want to do? And out of that, then we talked about just a very simple question or a simple process would be, because I am blank, I will blank to the end that blank. And so how we filled those in was, because I am a core value, one of your core values that you now can articulate, I will blank, I will establish this new routine, fill that in, to the end that I blank, meaning that your goal for your full expression of who you are in a new place. - Yes. And all of that matters because if we're not living from a place of alignment and we're not living out that expression, then we're really robbing our friends and family and essentially the world of who we were meant to be because who were meant to be is a gift. - Yes, absolutely. And nobody else can live the life for you. I mean, you are the best contribution to the world. Part of our goal in doing this podcast is to always be authentic ourselves and to share the space with you and share ourselves with you. And so today we had to ask ourselves some of these questions about how are we now building routines and how our habits and rhythms affecting the way we do things. - Okay, so Angela, I'm curious if there's been a time where your routines didn't align with your values. - I think I do really try to practice this ongoing re-evaluate. So there are definite times where specifically I am relational at my core and I value relationships. However, there have been multiple times in my life where I, though I value relationships, I forget to be intentional in pursuing different people. And I forget to prioritize spending time with sometimes it's family, sometimes it's close friends and I kind of get busy doing just these little bitty things. And so I'm really not living out the core beliefs that I say I have. - So an indicator for you of when you're living out of alignment would be when you're doing a lot of things that don't line up with your relational core value. - Right, in the depth that I want it to. So D, what are some small rhythms that you have that kind of keep you grounded, that have surprised you, that have kept you grounded to be your authentic self? - The first thing that comes to mind is I talk to my brother, my twin brother daily and we don't have to talk about much but it is just, it is grounding is the right word. It keeps me grounded in who I am. And it has been surprising looking back. It is actually one of the examples that I have for how it was a routine and then it became a habit. And now I notice if he doesn't call me or on the weekends we won't talk as much as we do every day through the week. But I will miss talking to him and for me that's evidence that this has become a rhythm of my day and who I am is to have that connection with him or my mom, somebody from home. - Yeah, for sure. I feel that so way about family dinners. - Yes. - Just seeming like being at the table, everybody together, whether it's the people that live in my home currently or especially when all of my children come home and everybody's around the table, it just reminds me of who I am or like my weekly calls with my dad. A lot of times reminds me that I am more than the roles that I play. - Absolutely. - Yep. - Oh, we've got to talk about struggles of keeping routine because we know it's a new year or several weeks in and that's when you start to feel the struggles of new routines. - Right. - So what would you say? What are some honest struggles in keeping routines? - Yeah, in particular when I recently started a new practice of yoga once a week. It's a little bit of an odd time in the week. And so having to tell people that would call me, they want to spend time with me or need my help for something, having to tell them no, I'm participating now in this class. I was developing a new routine. I had set the alarm, I had bought all the gear to make myself look like a, you know, yogi. - Well, and to set yourself up for success. - Exactly. - But I had done all those things, but the hard part, the struggle was just committing to go, get in the car, drive to the place, even when I had to say no to other people. - Yeah. - What about you? - I mean, the struggles of keeping routines, honestly, transparently, vulnerable. It's that I usually will look to any excuse or reason why not to do the routine, not to make the hard choice. - Yeah. - And then of course that can look like busyness. You know, I've got other priorities or it's not the comfortable choice. Just, and I think too that I default to, oh, I've tried to do this. You know, maybe a routine I've tried to implement year after year after year, and quote unquote failed. And so I think I quickly go too well. I probably am not gonna see this through anyway. So I would say those, for me, those are kind of like the raw struggles in keeping with routine. - Well, I was about to say, do you think it would shift your perspective on those excuses if you saw it internally motivated as external? You see what I'm saying? I think anytime I've tried to add a new routine because like we were talking about earlier, because of the external pressure like, okay, you start with the goal. Like in my case, I wanna lose weight. And then I back into making up a routine or a resolution to get me to the goal instead of starting from the inside, saying I want to take care of myself. Like I value myself, and who I am, and I wanna contribute my best whole self to the world. Therefore, this is a routine that I'm gonna do. - To the end. - To the end. - Yeah, I mean, and I think that is the whole point. It is routine should be born out of an internally motivated decision of who I am. And I think you're spot on. I think that routines would look different for me if they came from a different place rather than an external motivator. - Yeah. - So those are the struggles, but let's look at the other side of things. Let's look at the other side of the coin. - Yeah. - Because the benefits of establishing routines and rhythms is amazing. - I think so, I think so, and not limited to, but definitely including joy, freedom, and creativity. I think what we have learned is that it really allows you to kind of step into the flow of all these things. That doesn't mean that the minute you started routine that your whole life is now gonna be rainbows and sunshine. It just means there's a deep joy because you're operating in a place of alignment. So what you deeply believe and who you are at your core is now having, you have the best chance through these routines of contributing that. Can you unpack that some more? - Like me. - Right, I think freedom, meaning that sometimes you work smarter, not harder. I know that's a big phrase in the business world. You become more efficient because you're spending your time and your energy and your resources on things that actually match up with what you believe. So then you find yourself with more margin to do the things that you really wanna do. It allows you to, I think, be able to organize your day, your week, your month, your year in ways that free you up to give more of your whole self to anything. There again, to me, that leads to joy. Joy for you and then joy in the people around you because you're not always striving after this false sense of being in the world, as well as creativity just seems to flow. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - So then routines help us do these things in the world. But what about when we get stuck? - We really try to think topics all the way through, not just in a positive light, but also what we call, like, what is known as the shadow side. And so every quality can take on some form of negative side. So we think that rigidity is the shadow side of routine. And so what that means is, I've established this routine and maybe it worked. It is working or it has worked for a long time. But then I become so rigid and conforming to the routine I set that I miss opportunities to adjust. - Yes, so then you shift from you controlling the routine to the now the routine controlling you. - Exactly, and we can get stuck doing something because we've always done it that way, whether that's a church or a business, a school. So often we'll get stuck in, this is how we've done it for this many years, you know, for 20 years or 100 years, and we are not going to change. - Right, and you're losing opportunities, I think, to pivot. - As well as it doesn't really coincide with the cyclical living that we know is to be true. Because cyclical living, like we said a minute ago, builds in this continual reassessment. Is it working? Is this still aligned? Regidity doesn't allow for a re-evaluate and a re-adjust process at all. - That's exactly right. - It just means you just keep on doing it because now it's more about the routine than it, or it's about the action rather than about it being an inward motivated expression. - Exactly, so I would say that, rigidity, conformity, it lacks awareness, like you just said, it lacks self-reflection, and there are these pitfalls that if you stay in this avenue of rigidity is over-identifying with the routine. Because we so often associate productivity with success. And so the more productive I am, the more routines I have, the more I can accomplish, then the more successful I am. - Right. - And I make that my identity. And so I think that's a false sense. It can give a false sense of accomplishment. - Absolutely. And I think we can unpack this in a totally different episode, but however we also have, you and I have begin to redefine productivity. - Yes. - And that I think so often we say productivity is success, but then you have to define what is productivity and productivity doesn't always mean turning out physical evidence of such. It can be, again, internal work can be as productive as external actions. - Yeah. - So yeah, for sure. Routines are dynamic. They build in the ability to shift and move where rigidity just like its name is rigid and has really hard lines. And it seems to be linear. You can't go back and readjust. You're stuck and you can't move. And so after a while, that's so exhausting. And the truth is, with average generation, there has to be in an adjustment and an acceptance of what was, what is, and what will be. - Yes. - And I think for businesses, organizations, and even individuals, if there's not an acceptance or an adjustment as we go, then we tend to fall into that rigidity. - Exactly. So then maybe what we're saying is that from the very beginning, you set up some type of routine to then go back and evaluate. Are your routine still lining up, which is alignment? - Right. - But you build into your framework, this kind of cyclical pattern of, is this still working? Is this the best use of my inner core values? Is it still moving me forward to a place of who I am and what I want to do? - Exactly, because even in setting routines, if you're anything like me, I find comfort in routines. And then instead of being self-aware, I start to maybe numb out a little bit because I get comfortable in routine and there's security in that. And so sometimes that can keep me in a routine that's actually harmful. - Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking maybe a great question to ask myself in that process is routinely ask myself, why am I doing blank as far as the routine? And if I can't articulate fairly quickly or if my answer is, well, that's just what I do. That may be a sign that it might be time for a new routine. - Yeah. Yeah. And there's so when you are an active part of your life, when you are actively participating in internal and external work of your life, it is, it's a lot because I just got this feeling of like, man, it already feels exhausting to have to like, I'm trying to establish new routines and then to have to develop a habit or a routine to ask myself about the routine feels like, oh my gosh, is that even possible? - Yeah. - But it is. - And I think something that we're continually trying to do ourselves through the morning share as on our own, as well as hopefully communicate this well, is ultimately we want each individual, including ourselves to have your own power back. - Yes. - And these are the steps because so long and in so many spaces we have given our power away, power to know what we think, who we are, why we do things, we've allowed systems of all kinds to dictate to us those answers. And so to now reclaim that, to even spend time of trying to figure out who you are and going all the way back a couple of weeks ago when we're sitting with ourselves, we'd love to journey with you about that. But those are, it's all about giving you your power back so that you can, but it can be exhausting when you're not used to taking that power or taking that ownership of yourself. - Yeah. - Yeah, so I could see that. - Yeah. - So then talk about harmful routines, Steve. What is, what's the difference between something that numbs you out and something that nourishes you? - That's a great question. I think a harmful routine could be, this may be different for different people. I think a harmful routine in my life might be when I find myself scrolling for hours on end before bed or maybe especially when I'm in a room of people that I could be at interacting with. When I think about harmful, I think about being numb and it's almost like I'm not actively participating and when I think about nourishing rhythms, I think about me participating in life, like I'm actively making a choice where I am making a choice when I scroll or use food as a comforting mechanism. But when I think about something that nourishes my mind and my body and my soul, it's going to be meditation, it's going to be time with friends and family. I think energy is the word I kept feeling that when a routine is healthy for me, I feel energized. Even if it's hard, I feel energized after participating in their routine. - Okay. - Whereas if it is kind of an unhealthy routine, I feel an exhaustion, not like a draining exhaustion. I don't mean like a good tired. We all know what that feels like. Once you've accomplished something, you're like, woo! I'm exhausted, but man, you're still, you still feel that sense of buzz or vibration or hum of energy. Whereas if I am participating in maybe an unhealthy routine, I feel sluggish, I feel exhausted. I'm a little more prone to just be kind of laying about everything, which is numb, but even further flesh that out. - Yeah, I think that's a good way to say it. And I think too, some of us may find that we have lots of what feels like even hollow routines, doing laundry, mowing the yard, kind of routine tasks that may feel hollow, but like Dr. Chatterjee mentioned in that podcast episode that we talked about last week, you can set an intention for that time. So if I'm folding laundry, I can be doing grounding exercises or mindfulness exercises or, I don't know, things that seem hollow can become full of meaning when there's intent behind it. - Right. - And the other day, I was doing folding laundry and I just had an epiphany about the podcast actually. So it allowed my brain to be free because my actual hands were doing something a little bit monotonous. Something so habitual like folding laundry, it allowed my brain to then have freedom to be creative. Whereas there are other times I can be doing laundry and spend time worrying about something that's not profitable. - Yeah. - So yeah, I agree with that. So if we want to start building routines, we want to start trying to kind of incorporate where we are in our lives and matching both our internal values and core beliefs with our external practices. Where's the best place to start? - Inward. I think that you can categorize it three ways and it could be body, mind and spirit. So you start with your body and you think what are some routines, simple routines that I can incorporate in my body. And that may be movement and it doesn't have to be a ton of movement but it can be one aspect of movement, whatever that looks like for you. Or hydration, I am, I think I'm the world's worst at drinking water. And so for me, oftentimes I have to set a goal, a nudge, a prompt to drink water throughout the day and stay hydrated. Or establishing better sleep practices, like things that are going to benefit my body. - Yeah, so when we move to the mind, we're thinking more like time for if you enjoy reading. Maybe it's listening to something audible, it's journaling if that's your thing. It might even just be practice of silence in this space, but it's doing something that helps your mind like thrive and learn. - Yeah, and then lastly would be spirit, so spending time in reflection, in prayer, meditation, gratitude is another one. - Yeah, music, yeah. - That encourages you, absolutely. - Something that feeds your soul. - And once again, I think each of those what we're advocating for is something that's purposeful, intentional, and that's personal that works for you. Those are keys to starting this practice. - Yeah, and maybe honestly, it may even be helpful to sit and I did it this morning. I took my journal and I just listed daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly routine/habits that I already currently have. From the moment my alarm goes off in the morning, I just listed each day, what do I do? Each week, what do I do? Maybe that's where you start. You just say, what am I currently doing? - Yes. - Ask yourself, are those bread from an internal place, maybe that's as beneficial as starting new things, is making sure the ones that you currently have line up with who you are and what you want to do? - Yeah, I would say that is the starting place for sure. - Yeah, so we have a question today. That's a little more internal focused. Typically on Mondays, we're going to ask you a question that's going to help you hopefully engage those around you and takes a little bit of the pressure and heat off of yourself. You can ask somebody else. But on Wednesdays, the question usually goes in word and what's the question today, Dee? - What happens when a wrench is thrown into your routine? I just cringed, I felt that. I felt that. So on Friday, we're going to focus on integration, like really how to practice establishing routines and habits and rhythms. And then what happens when there's disruptions? - Yeah, disruptions. - All right, well, I hope you're having a great week. (upbeat music) (upbeat music)