139: RESIN ROT with Sarah Sherman | Soder Podcast | EP 136

Hey, everybody. Thanks for watching the podcast. We are currently on our way back from San Francisco while this episode comes out. And so I want to thank everybody for being at the taping of the Netflix special. Come July, right back on the road. July 16th through the 18th, I'm going to be at New York Comedy Club in Stanford and then Montreal, just for laughs, I'm going to be there July 25th at Club Soda. Doing an hour, so it's going to be, you know, mostly the Netflix hour, if you didn't hear it, I didn't go to Montreal on the tour, plus some new jokes. But then after that, it's all me working on new stuff. So I will see you in Albany, July 31st and first at the Albany Funny Bone. And then I will be, just go to dancer.com. What am I doing? Just go to dancer.com. After Albany, go to dancer.com. It's all there, we all put it up. Put 'em on the road, working on a new hour. So come check it out, I hope you like it. There's going to be some real humbingers on there. It's going to be some real shitty ones, too. So just come see it. Come watch it get birthed. Watch me push 'em out on the road. But thank you for watching the podcast. (upbeat music) - Oh, you're, okay, don't be, don't be, don't be, don't be. - Oh, I'm all like my mouth, I'm all like my mouth. (laughing) - People are like, "Why do you put more than the original?" You're like, "She's a fucking problem." - Oh, like my mouth, I'm all over. - Is dog sexually assaulting me? - I get the first, I get the first cancel of the cousin of my dog. - Have you been canceled yet? - I think that's only for people that work with networks. - Right. - People that were you of a boss. - Right. - I think like, I might, it'd be funny if you canceled me, Mike, if almost people was like, "You're done." No more podcasting. - Oh, but how am I gonna sell my wares? How am I gonna ruin my wife's nice apartment? - First off, this is my apartment. - See, I never grew up with dogs, I don't have a dog. So whenever they like do shit like that, it's shocking to me. - It, you really? - I'd never grew up with a dog, never had anything. - Did you have a cat? - Nothing. - No animals. - Jewish parents who were like, "I don't wanna take care of anything." - With a danda. - The danda, and they're like, "No, danda." Where did you grow up? - Long Island. - Oh yeah, I forgot. We talked about your dad loving sports. - Uh-huh. - Yeah, yeah, you dad, there he is. Yeah, WWE, love it. - Michael Chee took us. - Did he? - And we got free socks. - Did you get to see Michael Chee nerd out about wrestling at all? - It's crazy. - It's very fun, isn't it? - It's really cute. - I go to wrestling with him. - We've got-- - You weren't there, you weren't at Monday Night Raw. I got a hat and a backpack and socks. - It's, I've been, he took me to Monday Night Raw, see that chair right there? I got that chair with Michael Chee. - I got a chair too. - In a cool, I got like five of them bitches. - I gave it to a teenager whom-- - That's probably what I should have done, but instead-- - You kept it for your teenage self. - It's a child. I kept it. - I've jealous that you live over here. I wanna live over here. - Why, move over here? - I don't think-- - There's like kids in my building that it disgusts me how young they are that they live in this building. - Like it's there, it's like they're, they went from Marie Hill to here. - Yeah. - And you go like it took me 15 years living under a train in Queens. And I had to get on a successful television show for seven years. And then I had to marry a woman with an Emmy. - Good for her. - Yeah. - I love her. - She's great. - She was very, she was very matched. She wasn't here today. - Is she at work? - Yeah. - I feel the dog slime on my face. - Oh, you still do. - Oh, I'm gonna have to explain that Myrtle assaulted you to Katie. So, were you, did you ever as a kid want to, like a pet? - Yeah. - Did you ever like do the thing where you're like for my birthday, can I have a puppy? - No, I knew better to ask for anything. - That sounds almost abusive. - Right. - But you're like, I knew, I knew the hand of my father would strike me. - It's a podcast. - Yeah. - Yeah. - You were fidgeting around so much I wasn't even sure. - I probably should have told you we just start recording. This is Sarah Sherman. She's crazy talented. Watch everything she does. - I'll take it. - Yeah. - Well, I wanted, I think I wanted a dog, but my parents were like, "Well, who's gonna wipe it's ass you?" (laughing) - Just very Jewish parents responses. Well, then they're gonna bite something of great value. - Yeah, no, exactly. And they were, and of course, I'm very Jewish as well. - Yeah. - I don't learn. - But they don't know what, what if that changed? All of a sudden, what? You go, you got very icy, you got trapped out. - All of a sudden. - You got very like. - Your dog that sexually assaulted me. - She kissed you on the face. - She's slimed on my face, on my mouth. She's slimed on my mouth. - She slimed your mouth, dude. - And so it was a new experience. - Nice. Dude, we're Eskimo brothers with your dog. - Oh my God, we've both been slimed by that fat slut. - Yeah, hey, she's right over there. (laughing) - She is just chilling right there. She likes it. Sometimes I talk to my dog and people will go like, "Hey, and I'm like, it's a dog." - Right. - 'Cause I go, "What's up, you fat dumb ass? "Let's go outside." - I think in speaking English, can't they? - Sometimes I feel like they can't. - Sometimes you hear. - You tell them stuff and they go like, "Oh yeah, I'm gonna go do that." - I think they just know sounds, the repetitive sounds of like up on the, like up, you know, she like knows the jump. - Right. - Because sometimes I'll be like, "Hey, I'm gonna leave for a little bit and come back." And then I come back and she's like, "I thought you were dead." I thought you were fucking dead, dude. - I want to know the love of an animal. - This is what I mean. - I know, I really do. - Katie didn't grow up with a dog. - She always love dogs, but she never grew up with one. So when we got this one. - She's experiencing love and a whole, you know, like people talk about like you have to have a kid because you've never known a love like this. - Yeah. - I think some of us are so broken that a dog will do. - That's what I'm saying. It's like, I'm pretty sure I can understand what a different kind of human love is like. An animal's love. - Pretty good. - Sounds pretty, I want to meet my boyfriend kind of full of the idea of a gecko. - Can I tell the kind of this? - It's my whole. - Can I say this? - I don't know. - Can I say this in a, and I mean this in a very positive way. - And don't say my haircut looks like I already have a gecko and don't say, I don't know. - Your energy being a lizard girl makes sense. - I see this is the one you think I knew you were going to say that. - You have lizard energy and it just makes sense in a good way. - I knew you were going to say that. - You look like you've done this before we go. No, just let him on you. I feel like you let something on you by like, - No, he's cute looking to bring a hat. - No, but that's fun. I think get it or you can get it. - This is my fear that they don't fail. - I have no fish people. - What do you mean? - Oh, like tank people. - Eddie downstairs, that cool dude you love? - I like him. - Fish dude. - The door guy, 'cause he's got a fucking door guy. - Okay, yeah, I do, I'm 42 years old. - I literally, why the first thing I said to you was you're rich. - Yeah, well I live in a nice place, but I live with no kids, dual income. - I know. - What's up? - What's up? - What's up? - Everyone I know is pregnant right now. - Really? - Everyone I know is finding out what ailments their children have. The ice is thawed on the toddler ears. They're going, I think they have a violent streak. - Right. - Now, all my friends are, I'm very lucky. No, no, no, all my friends kids are healthy and happy, but they are getting to like, most of them are in school now. - Run. - 'Cause I'm in my 40s, so my friends are all like, "Hey, but what is great about being the friend with no kids?" - Right. - They're fun to hang with now. I come in with a chaos that they go like, "I love this guy." - Well, your voice is so shocking that I feel like if I was a kid and I heard that, I would, like you would be the most faint, you would be a celebrity to me, just because your voice is so close to me. - The Thunder Man is here. (laughs) - Thunder Man. - Yeah. - Thunder Man came to our house and he knows my dad and he talks to me already. - And like, if you're so small and down here and then a big guy with the craziest voice in America, - 'Cause your voice does come from where Thunder comes from. (laughs) - Which our kid is this guy. - I'm the store of voice lovers. - Yeah. - This is a real story. I used to, I went to Thanksgiving with Joe List and his family in Massachusetts. And you know, great, drinking or whatever. He's got a huge Irish family. His cousins come over, they have a two-year-old, and I go, "Hi, how are you?" And she went, "Mmmmmmmmm." Like my voice. - The voice of God and scared her. (laughs) And she was like, "Yeah!" I mean, I think she's like 16 now, but I remember being like. - She can never look at you this day. - Yeah, I was like, "Oh, I felt like a monster." I was like, "Huh." - I mean, you ever seen like a cha-ching on the shelf rattled because you spoke too loudly? - That's how I make 'em dance. All those men dance when I talk. - Literally, well, we did that show together at Radio City. - We both did, we both opened for stov at Radio City Music Hall. - And say it, you did more time than I did. Say it, one more time. (laughs) - I think so. - Well, I like, I was doing that thing. I find myself like going, maybe it's like the like melatonin hangover that I feel like I have every day of my life. I just walk through my life kind of really not thinking about what I'm doing while it's happening. - So what's from the perspective of going on stage at Radio City, we got there late in Radio City's a giant, for people to understand it's giant, just a dome. But it's a dome that you look and it's just a wall of people at one end. - Yes, Tall and Skinny, just like it has come on. - Hey, here you go. You like it, blank energy. We like it, we like it. But you come like from the side of the stage in the reveal. - The reveal. - It's like shocking. - It's like, and I said, like I wasn't, I was just like. - Oh shit, it opens up in a way that you're like, what? - And I've been lucky to do other big venues 'cause of my friends, Madison Square Garden, - Crazy bragg. - Crazy bragg. - Just the braggs. - All my friends. - My friends have the biggest roots. I don't, my friends, the biggest roots. - Why are you living a pretty nice apartment? - I had to live in Queens for 15 years. - I know, that's right. - It was a payoff. I'll take this apartment, I earned this shit. - There's things like when you go to Madison Square Garden though you're like, you have to walk around such a big circle to get to a door. You know it's huge. What's the thing about Radio City? You're like, I just got off the train and I ended up here and I wasn't thinking he had me last minute 'cause you know that's how you guys always add women to your shows. - I'm gonna add women to your show. - Fine, put a kick on. - He's not even a chick, I can't tell. - I'm so mad, my friends have wives. My fan friends have wives and this is for you. Here's one for the ladies. - Hi yo, what's up, we're shopping. - Give a couple receipts then get your ass off stage. - Women do be shopping. - What if that's how you freed society from podcasts? It was like, it happened where there's like at the podcast center they're like something's happening. - Joe Rogan shoots himself in the head 'cause I said it. - I mean my bunker bro, just pull its alpha brain. Is it just on the window? - 'Cause I said the one thing that broke the sound barrier. Women do and I can in fact attest as someone who just, not to brag, got off an airplane and I came from traveling and he, my suitcase was overweight 'cause I did be shopping. - Go problems. (laughing) - But you're right, you come into the-- - You just like come off the train, I'm like not thinking. - And where they have you come in is like a tiny hallway. You go to weird elevator, like your cattle. And then I let you out. - And I'm like, and I said, like I wasn't thinking and I was just like, oh yeah, I'm doing stop show. I put on like the worst outfit of all time, and then I just like, we were all taught, first of all I couldn't find the green room and so I'm like looking all over for the green room and then I hear like, "I've seen you all the know me bro." - Five, four, four, five, four, five, four, five, four, five, four, five, two, three, two, three, two, three, two. - Really good. - Nice, honestly. - I was actually, I was on the way here. I was like nervous, I was like, he's so fast. - No. - Yeah, you have analogies very fast. - I was a lonely child. - So you were sitting thinking about analogies, but I didn't know. - It's building 'em. - It's building in my brain. I was just building analogies. I was talking to Katie and I was like, dude, Sarah absolutely is the girl that in high school we would have a group project together and then we become fast friends. - No, thanks. - So we're gonna be like after the project and I'd be like, we made some other girl do most of the work while we were having fun. I get around making fun of people where I go, oh, you know, it's like, absolutely. And I hung out with you after a Stabby show. I was like, that's how it felt. I was like, I felt like I did it. - Well, when we were hanging out, I kind of was like, I was like, I'm doing your podcast, right? And you were like, yeah. And then I realized, I don't actually think you asked me to do your podcast. I just assumed. - It was funny as it was in the works. - It wasn't in the works. - Because he was there. - And I was like, I was like, I'm sorry. - I was hanging out and I was kind of like, I don't remember. - I think that is a genius way to get booked though. - I'm pretty sure I'm doing your podcast. - What if I, I think that's actually kind of a way to go. - But hanging out, having fun. - Just hanging out and be like, so what am I doing in your podcast? - I don't know. - Oh yeah, yeah. - We're like hanging out on camera, right? - But you did the bus with Stabby. - Yes, I did. And I broke my weed sobriety on the bus. - What made you want to do that? - I couldn't sleep in the coffin. I was getting shook. - People either really sleep really well on tour buses or I don't. - No. - The second it stops moving. - I'm gonna say the most offensive thing that's ever been said in the history of microphones and cameras. I believe if you say, I know. I believe, wow, you've been stunned, silent. I, I believe if you sleep well on a tour bus, that might be evidence of a chaotic womb. - You're saying it. - It's like. - Let's take it back to the '80s. Someone's mom is pregnant. Does it maybe know? First trimester. Jazz your sizing. Jazz your sizing. Stepping. Pulling. As Katie likes to quote, which talks about Jane Fonda's workout tapes. Very controlled. - Very controlled. Very mindful. - Very relaxed. You're saying the baby getting sloshed around her. - Do a crack, do a little math. Do a club, hop around. And then they're like, I can't sleep. And then they put them on a tour bus and it returns them to their chaotic womb. - Yeah. - So what happened? So you're saying we had normal wounds. - Yes. Thank you, mom. - Thank you, mom. - Thank you, mom. I actually was doing crazy shit in the womb, by the way. - Like backflips? - I saved my mom from the first 9/11. - I don't believe this. - Yes. - From the 1997 bombing of the World Trade Center? - 93, but thank you for thinking. I'm 21 or whatever. That's what you're referring to. - There was a bombing. - Yeah, in the parking garage. - Yes. And my mom was working there at the time. I'm kicking in the womb. She's going, I don't feel good. I'm not going to come to work today. - Damn. And then those guys with the u-halls down in the basement. - Uh-huh. - Damn. - And how old were you when that happened? - I was 10 years old. - Oh. - Yeah, I was already in a freedom course. I was sent in to fight them. And when that attack happened, you know what happened? They came out to my ranch in Colorado. They landed with the helicopter. - And they said-- - And I had a toothpick in and they said, "You're the most dangerous 10-year-old in the world." - And they said, "We believe that 9/11 just happened." - And I went, I've been playing Gurf guns with my friends in the street for this. Is there a staircase I can hide up? - You were a SEAL team. - Point four. - Yeah, that would have been a 90s comedy movie where they're like, they're Navy SEALs, but they're 10. - The worst thing they got worried about is in Al Qaeda, it's Poverty. - It's Poverty, it's Poverty. - He was your voice like those when you were 10. - Oh, yeah, I had a deep voice. My voice was so deep that this is like, you know, obviously before the internet or whatever. I used to love action figures, shout out, and still put 'em up on the bookcase. - After all he's done. After all he's done. - He sucks, he does suck, but this is like, listen. You were there, man. You were there for Holcomb, Amy, Amy, his brother. It was, it sucks so bad. How much I know he sucks, but just being like, dude, from one to 10 years old, I get why people are religious 'cause you're like, he was my Jesus. He was just like, is there a bad guy? Well, guess what? The bad guy's gonna hurt me. - Where it? - Then I'm gonna Holcomb. - And do that sound into the mic again? - He used to, my dad would be like drinking when we were like rent tapes, you know, 'cause we didn't have the money for pay-per-views. So we'd rent the tape, and my dad, and I would like wanna watch the Hulk Hogan match, and my dad, I always remember would be drinking sitting there watching, and he thought it was so funny when Hulk Hogan would Hulk up. Do you know what Hulking up is? - He would take his shirt off. - No, that was the beginning. He always did that. - Okay, okay. - But then when he was getting beat up by the bad guy, there'd be a moment where he's like, wait a second. Your shit doesn't hurt me anymore. And he'd be like, and then they would hit him and he'd go, you whole crowd would yell it? Big. - Why? - My dad thought that was the funniest shit in the world. And he's like, so what, so he's just shaking off punches? And he's like, and I would be like, there was the first time I was like mad, where I was like, will you just let me enjoy this? - Wow, so this explains the like, bottomless comedian black hole in your heart. Is you always needed to figure out how to make dad laugh? - Yes. - Hello, that's Ben the Fuel Source. (laughing) How do you not diagnose that early on in your career? - Oh, of course. - That's why all these people are like, back in the 40s, they're doing drugs like you 'cause they didn't have therapy, they didn't know why they were doing all this crazy erratic shit. - Why are you in therapy? - Yeah, what do you not? - It's a girl twice a week. - Twice a week? - And he tried to get me five. - That's just the guy ripping you off. - Well, of course, you can do whatever you want to me, he's my therapist. - Well now he's got his fingers in, are you gonna get fucking Stevie Nicks? Are you gonna have like 10 years of on Clonapin and then we're gonna have to free you from- - No, that's the problem. No medication, just dream analysis and like- - I'm like, I'm like this too. - You lay down on the couch. - I'm like that. - You do the stereotypical. - I'm literally like that. I'm going like, oh my God, this spider in my dream was like the symbol of the monstrous other. Like, you know, that's- - Yeah, how long have you been in therapy for? (sighs) - It was the time to know. For, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, no. - Choose first, put kids in therapy. - Not long, I, not long, there's like a, you know, like, I had like a tough guy dad who was like, you know, I was like, well, like- - That overrides- - That overrides the Judaism's understanding of therapy. - Yes, yes. - Because- - It's the long island, yes. - You know, the 12 tribes understand the importance of talking to some of getting your feelings out. - Yes. - But the long island- - Yes. - That nitrous goes over all of it. - If you're depressed, go walk it out. - Yeah, exactly. - If you're hungry, eat a piece of cheese. If you're thirsty, eat an altoid, that was big. - That's really big, an altoid. Can I tell you, I was always a kid that would eat stuff for attention, you know, for like- - Right. - To be fun. - And this is the other how you became a comedian thing. Yeah, okay. - And I did 15 altoids on the back of the bus and it's great. And even you're saying that, I was like, I can't get your diarrhea, doesn't it? - No, it just makes you hurt your sinuses, everything. It just like- - I'm just making sure you're corny, like corny. - I don't, I just was, I became a kid. - If you-- - If you-- - God, if you-- Go to the life savers, sugar-free, the spearman, Amazon user review page. They all say that those gave them crazy diarrhea. - Well, they were doing that with, there was gummy bears that they were taking the sugar out and people were like, so I'm just shitting my brains out right now. That is, like, we don't think about in history and how much diarrhea was happening during important events. Because they didn't have the refrigeration, didn't have stuff where they were like, Benjamin Franklin was like, "Oh, this, I'll tie this, can I get a, cool." - This is so interesting. Howard's in history and people's history of whatever, you got to write, Dan Soder is like diarrhea history, America. - Like, maybe there's some iconic moments that are even more iconic, because they had the trots. - Well, that's, and every iconic moment which must have been really stressful, which, you're not Jewish at all. - No, I wish, man. I'm one of those kids-- - You don't wish. - Dude, when I grew up and everybody wanted to be black, I just wanted to be Jewish, so bad. My dad was, my dad was a very funny and, you know, we loved comedy and he was big and a male Brooks. - Oh, of course. - And for some reason my family, my dad's family, even though they're Swedish, used Yiddish. - Oh. - 'Cause they are like, it's just like a-- - Like slingly or like, yeah. - They were used Yiddish slangs. - Sure. - In a way that I was like, that makes zero sense, 'cause they were like a piscopalian. - Oh, right. - So you're like, I don't know why, but a lot of Yiddish slangs was my dad. His dad would use, and my dad would use a lot. So it was really-- - You're like, I'm fluent in Yiddish, which is why I can wear your culture as my costume. - That's exactly it, but I wanted it. - You have such a, like, your relationship to diarrhea, so strong I was convinced that maybe you were one. - Oh, you're bad. (laughing) - You can't say that. - You have these soft ones. - You have the positive ones. (laughing) - You can't really be a farmer from the ass. - You got a farmer from the ass. You got a farmer from the ass. - You get a farmer from the ass. - I get a farmer from the ass. when I visited my grandma, and I remember like the third day and I had a dream that a guy pulled a gun and I wrestled it away, but I shot him like the young TV where they're like, "Oh, and then I ran and I was wanted for murder." And it felt so real that when I woke up, I like had to sit up in bed with my feet on the ground like in TV shows where they're like. - Oh, to be grounded? - Yeah, like I had to like ground my feet to be like, "Okay, so this is reality because that was so scary." - But it was so awesome the way you were doing it. You must have felt it. - No, I was like, "Oh my god, I killed the guy." I'm gonna walk around knowing I killed the person. - You're unconscious was trying to speak to you, Dan. But you're unconscious uses violent shocking imagery to- - So what did your therapist say when you laid down on the couch about the scratches? - You know what, this is the problem. He doesn't. - I wanna find out you're getting ripped off. - I am. - It's gonna be the scene. You know the scene in "Something About Mary" where the guy leaves while Ben Stiller's telling and then he comes back in and he's finishing eating the scene and he's like, "Oh, that sounds, that's what's happening. You're laying down." - I love the guy. I love the guy, it really do. He wears air force ones. - That's crazy. I don't need it. I need hookas. - Are you at work? - I need hookas or new balances. I need to, oh, you know what's preferably? Sketch your slip-uns. - Right, sketch your slip. - The ones. - That would be insane. - No, 'cause listen. - He's up here. - He's up here. - He's up here, thinking about emotions and dreams. He's just gotta put his feet in and click in his little heels. - Right, putting on air force ones in a card and he's like trying to have sex with me. - What are you trying to ball out? - He's trying to ball out. He's trying to ball in me. - Yeah, Sarah, that's crazy. That's really crazy that your dream is, you know, I was down at the rec on Sunday. I went left, guy tried to collapse on me. I kick out to the outside. My boy hits a three. - Obviously, you know, it took me like 45 minutes to understand you were talking about sports. - I was slow down, I saw it down. - Thank you for saying that. - Yeah, I did like kitchen Spanish, like the way the line clicks would talk to me. They'd go, "Puquito," and I'd go, "A little." (laughing) But you like wearing air force ones at a therapy session is also too much of a flex. - Ah, yeah. - And being like, "Oh, I get you." - Are those the sevens? (laughing) - Like I'm cool, I'm cool. 'Cause he laughed at something I said the other day and I was like, "How dare you?" I was like, "What was being hilarious?" - Oh, that can't be. - But I was being hilarious and then he was like, but he's not allowed to like, show he's like human. If he, that's a moding, he's a moded at me. - Oh, a moded is necessary. I made my therapist cry. I've got him a couple of times. I've got him a couple of times, dude. It's a, 'cause you're gonna make me cry all the time. - What did you say? - I just told a story about the first time I saw my mom. Like it was like, I was in my 30s and it was like, the first time I saw my mom be in love with my dad for the first time in my life. - You're making me cry. - When we were driving to my grandma's apartment and my mom was like, I haven't been here since the 70s and then she like, we're like early 80s and she stopped and she's like, I loved your father so much and you were like, and they hated each other when I was growing up. So it was like a weird moment. It was much longer and much more in detail. And he knows all the story, but he got misty eyed and I was like, are you, and he's like, it's a very sweet moment you got to experience it. - Bragg, fucking bragg. Ming here there, it was great. - And I was like, and I only did it. 14 years, I only got him twice. - What was the second you would ever say? - I forgot what the second one was. I just remember that one 'cause I was like, damn dude. - You could. - You've been breaking me, you've been cracking me open this whole time. - God, damn it, I've never made a fucking cry. Actually, I wouldn't know 'cause I'm, - Does he make you cry? - Ah, girl, come on, you don't look at, I'm, - Girl, you know I'm the lady I'm crying. - I crumpled up cup on the side. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's why I explained to my guy friends that refused therapy because they could cry about shit where I go, buddy, that shouldn't trigger you. - Like a guy stealing, a guy stealing third base and getting away with it and they're like. - But you know what, I have been moved to tears by a sport game. - Yeah, sports, and when it's at its best, makes you very emotional, they're angry. - Well. - But also very like, that's where I think you can find common ground with a tough, long island dance. - Yes. - It's like, he loves the rangers so much. - Yes, he really, his ringtone on it. No, what, his, he gets a, help me out. - Notification? - He gets a notification on his phone for every time the rangers score a goal. That's the sound. What's the sound? - He gets the horn. - He gets the horn on his phone every time. Something, they do something. - I love that. There's like, I watch sports and I go like, oh yeah, it's one of the only bonds I have with my dad. - Yeah. - It was like, we both, the sports teams we like. But then I watch Katie's brother and her dad bond over hockey. And I'm like, I love this. I watch it, I go, look at this. That's where, that's where men are allowed to be emotional together. - Right. - It's like allowed to like hug and like, one of the craziest things I've ever seen was I was working at Hilarities in Cleveland. - Awesome. - The night they want, yeah, you've never done it. It's a great club. - No, what do I have to be blessed? - And it can scar you if you could. They, the Cavs won the NBA championship. That Sunday night I was doing a show like, but the club's like down the street from the arena. When it came out and it was, the streets were filled with men hugging each other. - Aww. - That was what it was. Were there like, they're like crying. - He does. - Because they had one championship in that city of 50 years. It was great. - I like, never, I think, you know, my brother, I have a little brother, my dad. They were all, you know, sports guys, my whole life, like whatever, and I never paid attention because I was like, no, like, dude, I like music. - Like, sorry, I like the arts. - Yeah. - You guys are just bashing your, each other's heads into it. - And I'm a fool. - You fool. - Look at what I miss down on. - It's a good ballet. - It's beautiful. - It's a beautiful ballet. - I miss down on all this. - I could probably sell you right now on professional wrestling. How much time do you get? - Well, I'm sold. - WWE socks. - I'm sold, I'm sold. - Was your dad a big, he's a long island guy. Wrestling's big in there on the island. - Two gay. - Two gay. Okay. - Two gay. - My dad, my dad, he's a hockey addict. And then even-- - Yeah, hockey guys are tough. - They're tough guys. - And then I took them to a, yeah, I took them to a ranger's game. - I know, that's the flex though. - I took the ranger, yeah. - That's why I think Lauren Michaels is entire purpose on the earth is. - It's exactly closer to my dad. - Yeah. - Literally, yes. - I wrote his biography. His dad died when I was kid. - Damage of tears. - Yeah, pretty heavy. (laughing) - I'm talking about Chevy Chase. - Oh! (laughing) - Buh, buh, buh, buh, he's an asshole. Buh, buh, buh, buh. - His dad died. - Yes. - And so he, that's like, makes sense on why he does a lot of his shit 'cause he's like, "I'm gonna peel that wound." - Yeah, I don't even have a father wound and I'm like, "Papa." - Everybody does. - Right, right, right. - No one that has parents doesn't have some damage. - Right, right. - Because that's why I didn't want kids, 'cause sure it's a love I've never gonna feel. I'm gonna do so much damage that I'm unaware of, with like, you remember how you love video games? Well, now I have to be choked to come. And you go, (claps) "Shit, I put you on our craters with me." - I wouldn't let my kids know about come. Their whole life, I wouldn't let them know about it. - Oh, like he was like a huge accident. (laughs) Like every time they came, they were like, "Oh, oh, oh, oh!" And you go. (laughs) No leaks. We don't have leaks in the past. - You're a bastard, you can't be a parent. You imagine me a parent and your kids are out there coming. It's disgusting. - Dude, I told this story to Kyle, can I aim? But my mom, I'm the only child single mom. And we grew up in the house. And when I started, I used to jerk off into my underwear. - Oh no. - And then my mom would do laundry. And one time my mom would, "You know, come smells." Like that. - No. - And that was supposed to discourage you? - Well, it was kind of the aware of, like, maybe you stopped. - She said, "Come." - It seemed, I don't know for a while, she said, she goes, "You know, jizz." - I guess that's the last mom style, yeah. - My mom, my mom's not like, she's not proper. - She's right. - You know, she's like a lady. She's not so not like, got a fucking dip in. Like, "Here's what happens, come." You know, it's mostly salt, even though it's that. But it's like, she always talked to me like a little adult. - And so she said that to you, so that you would feel so guilty that she'd have been. - She was kind of me, that was her going, like, cleaning up your calm. - Right. - And then you go, "Gotcha, Kleenexes." - This was like-- - Grow 'em away. - This is, that's actually beautiful. There was a girl, there was a pregnant girl in my high school health class, who raised her hands and why does it come taste salty? And then we all went, "Ha ha ha!" - And she was pregnant? - Yeah, she was pregnant. - And we were like, "Ha ha ha!" And you know it come taste like-- - Yeah, well, maybe you should have got over that. You wouldn't be able to kid it 16. - No, here's the thing. Her pussy could taste. - All right, what? (laughs) - Hmm. - Oh! - I-- - It's pregnant in a health class. - Tough. - Might be. - And she asked what a, her, she was like, my doctor said my cervix was dilated. What does that mean? - Yeah. - Yeah, it was tough. - What is your, did you go to public school? - Yeah, of course. - Of course. - Of course. - Public school though, that teacher's not built for that? - No, no, no. - You guys, well, I'm the football coach. (laughs) - So, hot, hot hike. (laughs) - I don't know what to tell you, miss. - It was, I, well, it was odd 'cause they, you know, what's dare for pregnancy? What's the scare people away from their exact sex? - That's it. - Right. - That's pretty much what they're, just trying to freak you out by going like, - But we were freaked out. - They showed the video "Miracle of Life." - Yeah, that was crazy. - Yeah, that was crazy. - That's like the first time that you see a pussy publicly. (laughs) - Right. - Or you just go like, yo, and not know what everyone, even me, the guy that got kicked out in the hallway, that was always like, we're gonna see a pussy. Even I was like, oh, this is very medical. - Yes. - And it is. - And it's it. - It's like a, it's a Cronenbergian nightmare. - They get, they get tired right away. - Yeah, that baby, that's a lady's thing. They made that movie like the 70s or 80s where there was no like thought of the mother. - Right, there was like a hella fluoride in the water. That baby's fat. - Yeah, that baby's come out. - That baby came out like a bottle of water from a pack you don't want to open on the end. It's just like, ah. - That baby came out like Freddie Krueger crying through the wall. - I used to be so scared of Freddie Krueger. - 'Cause he could rape you in your dreams. That's why you don't dream anymore. There you go. - Have I been raped by Freddie Krueger? I don't think so. Sorry, Freddie, no means no. - And this is a PSA for doing drugs. - Yeah, rot your brain with resin. - You're gonna like what I'm about to say. (laughing) - You've said the most offensive thing that I've ever known like a phone and I'm about to like walk it like. - My brother, during, we were sitting around the TV watching, I have a little brother saying little, he's 28, sitting around the TV watching the Winter Olympics. He described to me, Miracle on the Ives. - Oh, 1980, USA beating the USS on? - Mirror description, sobbing crying. - How cried is that? - It's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. - It's great. - I'm not gonna do any research. I'm not gonna watch TV. - I'm gonna watch TV. - I'm scared of us all. - Yeah. - Oh. - That was all I had to tell you. - Yeah, you gotta watch. - What's even funnier is when you find out like sports movies that I grew up with. And then you find out later in life that like the real story sucks. And you're like, oh man, that was such a cool, the movie Rudy about, you know, he's like a scrappy little guy and he walks on it Notre Dame. Have you ever heard of the movie Rudy? - I just was explained to the concept of Miracle on the Ives. - Yeah. Do you know Rudy at all? Are you familiar? - Be rude. - Be rude? - Not be rude. This is great. Rudy is the story of a-- - I'm gonna make you cry. - Yeah, I hope so. I hope so. But then I'll tell you the real truth of it. - Okay. - And then it'll make me cry again. - So Rudy, every man born that likes football, born after, you know, maybe, when this people stop watching Rudy, maybe 95 people stop caring, it's a classic. A guy loves, his whole family loves Notre Dame. It's Sean, who's the actor that plays him? Samwise Gange from Lord of the Rings. Did you watch Lord of the Rings? - No. - I know, I know, I know. - 'Cause if you don't do that, I go to that. - No. - Did you watch Stranger Things? - No. - Sean Ashton. - Sean Ashton. Sean Ashton, little guy, loves Notre Dame. Can't get in there, goes to school, walks on the team, gets beat up, makes the team. It crescendos with him getting into the game in the crowd chanting his name Rudy at Notre Dame and he gets carried off the field. - Well, what was wrong with him? - He had a little, and he's gonna play for one of the greatest football teams in the world. And he wants it so bad that he won't give up and he keeps going and then he makes the team. Then he gets in, it's a little guy. - He's tossed around, tossed around like a ball. - A little ball and then it gets out, but he wants it so bad and then they pick him up. - Didn't produce a single tear, nothing about, you know what? I'm gonna do a movie watch along with Sarah Sherman. We're gonna bring back the movie watch along and you and I are gonna watch Rudy. - Oh, I like that. - This is my problem, I never get to talk during movies. - Oh dude, we'll do a movie watch along where all you do is talk while you watch it. - I love to talk during movies. - We'll smoke weed, do it. I don't know if you still have your broken sobriety. - I can't, it weed is the hardest drug known to man. It's hard as in crack, I can't do it. It's hard to, it's literally harder than crack. - What do you mean, 'cause you're so addicted to it? - No, it has psychedelic properties. - Well, now they, they-- - That experience ego death on a weed mint. - Yeah, they have really made it too good. - No, it's not good, it's bad. They made it too crazy bad. - Maybe I can find you some 90 shwag, you know? I'll pick some sticks and stems out of it. And then we can roll it where you get the very silly happy, very hungry, very sleepy. That was the shwag thing. - Right. - It was like smoke it very giggly, red deep red eyes, a hunger deep sleep. - I, this is what, I've only recently had the weed that makes you stay on stop's tour bus. - So what made you break it? You couldn't sleep, 'cause it's where we are, we're getting back to finishing it. - We're finishing topics. - We're two big mouths, they're gonna finish one, a single topic. And then I have another question. - The guy named an episode, two big mouths. - Can you put your whole fist in your mouth? - I used to be able to, I don't think I can now, and I don't have dental, so I don't wanna try. - No, you don't wanna trigger your TMJ. (laughing) - I don't wanna fuck up to you. - I was just wondering about it, 'cause we said big mouth. - Yeah. - And I know we weren't talking about the cartoon. - I take bites that upset Katie. - Right. - Where I take bites, and she goes, "Yeah!" I'm going to be having Mexican food, and I'll do a giant chip with guacamole, and she's like, "The whole thing." And I'm like, "Hey, can I?" - You unhook your jaw like a snake. - I don't, I don't, bro. - I have a problem, do you have this problem? I have a problem where I will just keep pit, and now it's gonna sound like I'm a copycat, or a follower, well, I'm not, okay, I'm not. - Yeah, you're a D. - Yeah, yeah, you name-- - You're underground. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You name three serras, name, whatever. You know what I'm trying to say, whatever. - But if I try to keep pace with anyone, I'm eating around. - Now fucks you up. - So like if I was eating with you, I would just, 'cause we'd be talking, whatever, whatever, and I'd be eating to just keep up with you, and then I would be taking these big bites, and that, and-- - So you would try to take big bites-- - But it'd say it's an automatic response, just 'cause you know when you're like eating, you're having, you're like, whatever. - Or when you eat fast, and someone eats slow, and you feel like a pig, and you're like, were you eating in a normal pace, and I'm just a savage? - Right, I was filter feeding in those restaurants. (laughing) - Or if everyone else eats, and I don't, I feel like I've just been talking the whole time. - Which is, why would everyone be eating, and you're not? - Just 'cause you're gonna tell a story. - Right, right, right, right, right. - That's what I mean. They're like, oh, I am talking to you. I'm not watching you wait. - No, I go, oh, I've had too many bites. Katie's gonna be mad at me. She's gonna hit me, but we're, wait, oh-- - I was gonna ask you a question. - We almost closed the circle. - Oh, oh, oh, tore, tore by smoking. - But I was gonna ask you a different question, sports movie. We'll come back to this, wait, this is one of my best friend, Jack Bensinger, if he has a thought, and he wants to remember it, he goes like, this. - Put a pen in it. - And he holds it, like, I'm holding the thought. - Oh, that's great. - That's nice. - Yeah, that's nice. - I'm outing him for being a little autistic. - It's great, though. I love his brain power games. - Literally, we were at, I think we were seeing, like, 28 years later, bone temple or something. In the middle of a movie, I seem to go like this. - That's great. That's great. - I fucking like that. I do read this, I put a, you start holding onto that thought. So hold onto that thought, and what's your question? - Sports movie. Is there Chris Benoit Sports movie? - What's the movie? That's a nightmare. - What? - Chris Benoit murdered his family. - Well, I'm saying, it's like Dolby Sports movie, but I think I would care about it. - Oh, can I tell you where that gets a little choppy? - Well, because that's what it is all the hell. - Yeah, we didn't choppy, he strangled. - Not the kids. - Yeah, he killed his kid. He killed his kid with exercise. Yee, he put his, he killed his kid with exercise equipment. Like, put the thing around his neck and then, like, broke his neck. Oh, yeah, it's horrible. It's a horrible, horrible thing. This is why we can't make a movie. Is this what the movie wanted? - It's in the e-trial, I would sort of movie. One. - That's where I would think you'd be able to do it. It can only be done as a date line or a 2020. - Or a Quinterantino Inglorious Bastards. The kid's killed. - Oh, that's sick, dude. He goes, here's what I want, okay. The kid's not dead, okay. He's out of it, his feet are bare, okay. Yeah, dude, if he made it back, like an alternative history. - Yes. - When I was like, boom, vioge, my giant. I don't know why I'd make a French Canadian. I think he's from Alberta or he knows from Calgary, but the kid would kick out. - Yeah. - Kill him. - And do the whatever Hulk smash. - Yeah, the Hulk, you'd Hulk out. - Well, his crisp and was move. - Diving head butt. - Do we would do the devil cross face crippler? - Oh my God. - Which if you would like, I could show on Myrtle. I put her wrestling submissions. - Cross face crippler. - Yeah. - And he had a couple of doom and a grove, man. So what broke the weed sobriety, ping. - We. - No, but like you couldn't sleep and then you went out to the boss, you know. - And they were going to tell me more about Crystal Bread and Wild killing his own family. - I don't want to talk about Crystal Bread and Wild killing his own family. It's very sad. As a wrestling fan, it was one of those things where he was so good at wrestling that when it happened, you went, fuck. - Really? - I just think a lot of guys that suck in their shit heads and you go, fuck that guy. - But he was not, you were the proudest. - He was really good at wrestling. - With he, there was a shocking thing. - Heal? - Yeah, he was a great bad guy. - No one's not coming. - No, he was like. - Cause there were some guys, if I found, if I opened the newspaper and yeah, let's keep it alive. - Let's keep it a buck. I read it, I got the buck. - If I open it, if I see, there's some guys. If I open the newspaper tomorrow and I see that they've killed their whole family, I'm not surprised. - Yeah, it might. - But this you were surprised. - It was shocking. - They did a tribute to him on Monday Night Raw. - After he killed his whole family. - They didn't know. - Him and his family were found dead. And then the next night on Monday Night Raw, they did like a 17 bell salute. - You. - There's like literally all the wrestlers standing there and there are like, some of them are in street clothes and some of them are dressed with like, Like, there's stuff coming off their arms. You know, like, they're flair, and they're sitting there like this, and they're like, don't, don't. And then it comes out in the coming weeks that he murdered his family. And everyone was like, shh. So now you can't find that money in that rock. You can't not find that. They screw up that shit. - My bad y'all, my bad y'all. - Oh, y'all turns out he was a family annihilator. My bad. - Dude, move it now, tomorrow. Let me play the wife, please, please. - You can't play her. - Why? 'Cause she-- - She was all woman. Her name was, her name in WCW was woman. - Was she also? - She was like a manager, and she used to date another wrestler, and then she left that wrestler for Crispin Wall. They started a family. - Dude, this is a fucking movie. - There's documentaries. You should go out right back. - Go watch Dark Side of the Ring. - Okay, shit. - Shit's fucked up. - See, I just want to like pull your little string like you talk, girl. - Nah, girl. Listen, I'm a wrestling girlie. - Who is, who song was Ace of Spades? - Triple H. - See, that's my one less fact. - He wouldn't come out to Ace of Spades. He'd come out to a other Lemme song called The Game. - Oh. - Oh, The Game. - It's time to play The Game. 'Cause what's funny about that is, my phone is in here, that's what, when we were potty training during COVID, that we would do a thing where I would play that song, 'cause when we would take her outside, we were training. So we'd walk her outside. And then if she didn't pee, you'd come back in, wait a little bit, take her back outside, pee. But then when she does pee, you'd come back inside, you'd give her a treat. Being like, see you pee outside. - Right. - So we were potty training her. And then every time I would go to do it, like The Game song, I would play it. I'd go, "Murdle." - It's time to make the pee. - It's time to make the pee. (laughing) - Watch out. I go, let's go on a walk. - That really reminds me of COVID. 'Cause every morning I'd go, "It's time to play The Game!" And I'd play it every time outside. Or I would do the, fuck, what band is that? I'm going for a walk. I think it's like, they're cool. You're a musical. How do you not know that? - No. Get it? - I don't know. - I bet you think this band is corny too. I bet it's not a good one. - This might be guy stuff. This might be guy stuff. I don't know about guy stuff. - Coming for a walk is, someone, you know what's great about podcasts? Is I know someone knows that song and is screaming at their, - You fucking idiot. You didn't know that goal for a walk is fucking- - Willie Nelson's biggest Christmas hour. (laughing) - Oh, damn it. Bad religion. - Oh, sure. - Going for a walk. - I hate to break it to you. I'm not a bad religion. - You're not a bad religion. Who's your favorite band of all time? - My favorite band of all time? - Yeah. - Going out. - I guess, flee with Mack. I guess. - I guess. - Have you seen him live? - I have. - Not. - What are you looking at? - And now, one of us, Christy died. - Yeah, may she fucking rest. - And hold that. - I'm still holding that. - Hold that. - May she fucking, never seen them live favorite band of all time. I don't know, never happened. I don't know. Lindsay Buckingham was at SNL once. I went crazy. And a security guard had to be like, no pictures, ma'am. - You're like, I'm on the cast. Did you know he was coming that whole time? - No. - Best way to meet someone. - Who was your biggest? You didn't know someone was coming. Best way to meet someone. - That's a good one. Motto Man Randy's happened. (laughing) - I swear to God. - He saw my line at Pratt getting a hard boiled egg. - But what do you think he's gonna say? I'm getting a sale. (laughing) - No, I worked at a radio station and I went into pick up. - Right. - I went into pick up. - Radio voice. - Yes, that's correct, Sarah. I went in to pick up my paycheck and my program director was like, should go into production studio. And I was like, why is he like, you should go into production? (laughing) And I opened the door and it was Motto Man promoting his rap album. That one. - Oh! - B.M.N., someone bought it for me on vinyl, ever right there. - Awesome. - Where he raps and he talks shit to Hulk Hogan. - Awesome. - B.M.N. Hulk, shit rules. - But why do they have beef? - There were friends and then wrestlers. You know, they're like comics, they're messy. - There's one wrestler who has slid into my DMs a couple times. Can you believe this out? - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - The lid. - Really? - Yeah. - He's a handsome man. - Hey, not bad. - Yeah. - He's still got it, Sherman. - He's got, hey, Sherman, you still got your good stuff. See how he feels about lizards. Geckos, losing their tail. - See, I wasn't going to get a fucking Gecko. Now you've brought it up so many times. I'm like, I have to get it to like prove a fucking point to you that I actually could be actually a cool lizard girl. - But then guess what? There's going to be that moment where you Gecko. Maybe named Lindsay. I don't know if you're naming it after Fleetwood Mac. Maybe Christy. Up on her rock, enjoying a heat lamp. And you're going to see her smile. And you're going to feel good. - I know. - Then you're going there and you're going to put your finger in Lindsay's going to crawl on your finger and you're going to bring it right here. - I have a fantasy there. - You're going to go, I get why I got mouth raped by my uncle. (laughing) - Oh, getting mouth raped by a Gecko. - No! Nothing sure. - I'm sure I'm sure. - Yeah. - We look a little, we look a little pause in there. - Oh my god, you just have her. If you just had her at a table read, she just went, "I want one!" - You go, "Shera, there's a new Gecko policy." - So there's this thing where the Gecko, you know, Paul Simon and me. - He didn't. He used to have a Gecko. It really was bad for the room. You understand. - What if the tail comes off, what do you do with it? - You bring it here. - She's crying about it. - Why? - She's crying about the tail coming off. - It's holding it. - I'm still holding it. - It's holding it. - Oh, yay. - I think you put it in your ear like a cigarette. - We smoke it. - Yeah, you go, you go, let's get that lizard high. - What do people smoke when they smoke the toad? - That's fake. - It is? - I don't know. Smoking frogs? - You know about this. Toad Venom. - You're just saying that 'cause of his pants. (laughing) - You're the toad Venom. - You're judging him by his pants. - Oh, I like I'd judge anyone for their pants. - Look how bad Myrtle wants to get out and mouth-rape you again. - Because you played her peeing, Jameson. - Dude, I'm actually worried about that. I was just thinking about that, I was, it is real. - It's time to play the peeing. - Smoking the toad refers to inhaling the dried venom of the Sonoran Desert Toad, which contains the powerful psychedelic substance five MEODMT. - Miss me with that. Miss me with that. - Yo, do you not ever come in at you about lizard knowledge, frog lizard, whatever dog. If it's got web feet, I ain't fucking bringing it up to, yeah. - Well, remember when you couldn't get a little baby turtle 'cause they're illegal in New York? - Yeah. - Remember that? - What is, what was that? - I don't know. - Does that have a legal name? - Well, maybe, is that Legionnaires? That's in the water. - What is that? - Legionnaires disease. - Is diarrhea disease? - I think so, diarrhea throughout history. Put a pen in it. Sarah Sherman is fucking fantastic. She's on Saturday night live. She has an HBO special. She's also in there. - Oh, please watch it. - She's also in the new movie roommates on Netflix. - Oh, yeah. - Go watch everything she does. She's a lizard lady and she's a-okay with me. - My god, that was so fast. - Right? - I didn't even know it started oriented. - You're free. - Okay, that shit. - Let's take a photo, set it up now. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, that's crazy. That was a fun day. - You're so happy. - We got it. - Ready, three, two, one. (upbeat music) [BLANK_AUDIO]