139: RESIN ROT with Sarah Sherman | Soder Podcast | EP 136

Hey everybody, thanks for watching the podcast. We are currently on our way back from San Francisco while this episode comes out, and so I want to thank everybody for being at the taping of the Netflix special. Come July, right back on the road. July 16th through the 18th, I'm going to be at New York Comedy Club in Stanford, and then Montreal, just for laughs, I'm going to be there July 25th at Club Soda. Doing an hour, so it's going to be, you know, mostly the Netflix hour. If you didn't hear it, I didn't go to Montreal on the tour, plus some new jokes. But then after that, it's all me working on new stuff. So I will see you in Albany July 31st and 1st at the Albany Funny Bone, and then I will be, just go to DanceSoda.com. What am I doing? Just go to DanceSoda.com. After Albany, go to DanceSoda.com. It's all there. We all put it up. But I'm on the road, working on a new hour. So come check it out. I hope you like it. There's going to be some real humbingers on there. There's going to be some real shitty ones too. So just come see it. Come watch it get birthed. Watch me push them out. Be on the road. But thank you for watching the podcast. Oh, you're, okay. Don't lick my mouth. Oh, don't lick my mouth. You licked my mouth right on. People are like, why do you put Myrtle in the camera? You're like, she's a fucking problem. Oh, licked my mouth all over. His dog sexually assaulted me. I get the first, I get the first cancel of, because of my dog. Have you been canceled yet? I think that's only for people that work with networks. Right. People that, where you have a boss. Right. I think like, Mike, it'd be funny if you canceled me, Mike. If Almost Pimp was like, you're done. No more podcasting. Oh, but how am I going to sell my wares? How am I going to ruin my wife's nice apartment? First off. This is my apartment. See, I never grew up with dogs. I don't have a dog. So whenever they like do shit like that, it's shocking to me. You really? I never grew up with a dog. Never had anything. Did you have a cat? Nothing. No animals. Jewish parents who are like, I don't want to take care of anything. The danda. The danda. They were like, no danda. Where did you grow up? Long Island. Oh, yeah. I forgot. We talked about your dad. Love and sports. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Your dad, there he is. Yeah. WWE. Love it. Michael Che took us. Did he? And we got free socks. Did you get to see Michael Che nerd out about wrestling at all? It's crazy. It's very fun, isn't it? It's really cute. I go to wrestling with him. You weren't there. You weren't at Monday Night Raw. I got a hat and a backpack and socks. It's, I've been, he took me to Monday Night Raw. See that chair right there? I got that chair with Michael Che. I got a chair too. Isn't it cool? I got like five of them, bitches. I gave it to a teenager who. That's probably what I should have done. Yeah. But instead. You kept it for your teenage self. As a giant child, I kept it. I'm jealous that you live over here. I want to live over here. Why? Why move over here? I don't. There's like kids in my building that it disgusts me how young they are that they live in this building. Like it's their, it's like their, they went from Murray Hill to here. Yeah. Yeah. And you go like, it took me 15 years living under a train in Queens and I had to get on a successful television show for seven years and then I had to marry a woman. A woman with an Emmy. Good for her. Yeah. I love her. She's so beautiful. She was, she was very mad she wasn't here today. Is she at work? Yeah. I feel the dog slime on my face. Oh, you still do. Oh, I'm going to have to explain that Myrtle assaulted you to Katie. So she, uh, were you, did you ever as a kid want to like a pet? Um. Did you ever like do the thing where you're like for my birthday, can I have a puppy? No, I knew better to ask for anything. That sounds almost, uh, abusive where you're like, I knew, I knew the hand of my father would strike me. Is the podcast started? Yeah. Oh, you were fidgeting around so much. I, I wasn't even sure. Oh, I probably should have told you. We just start recording. This is Sarah Sherman. She's crazy talented. Watch everything she does. I'll take it. Yeah. I, well, I wanted, I think I wanted a dog, but my parents were like, well, who's going to wipe its ass? You? Just very Jewish parents responses. Well, then they're going to bite something of great value. Yeah, no legs. And they were, and of course I'm very Jewish as well. Yeah. I don't learn. That's how that works. What if that changed all of a sudden? What? You go, he got very icy. I found out all of a sudden your dog that sexually assaulted me. She kissed you on the face. She slimed on my face on my mouth. She slimed on my mouth. She slimed your mouth. And so it's, it was a new experience. Nice dude. We're Eskimo brothers with your dog. Oh my God. We've both been slimed by that fat slut. Hey, she's right over there. She was just chilling right there. She likes it. Sometimes I talk to my dog and people will go like, Hey, and I'm like, it's a dog. Right. Cause I go, what's up? You fat dumb ass. Let's go outside. They can speak English. Can't they? Sometimes I feel like they can. Sometimes you tell them, you tell them stuff and they go like, Oh yeah, I'm going to go do that. I think they just know sounds. The repetitive sounds of like. She's like up on the, like up, you know, she like knows the jump because sometimes I'll be like, Hey, I'm going to leave for a little bit and come back. And then I come back and she's like, I thought you were dead. I thought you were fucking dead, dude. I want to know the love of an animal. This is what I mean. I know. I really do. Katie didn't grow up with a dog. She always loved dogs, but she never grew up with one. So when we got this one, she's experiencing love and a whole, you know, like people talk about like, you have to have a kid because you've never known a love like this. I think some of us are so broken that a dog will do. That's what I'm saying. It's like, I'm pretty sure I can understand what a different kind of human love is like an animal's love. Pretty good. Sounds pretty. I want me and my boyfriend kind of floated the idea of a gecko. Can I tell you? Can I say this? It smiles. Can I say this? Can I say this in a, and I mean this in a very positive way. And don't say my haircut looks like I already have a gecko and don't say. I don't know. I don't know. Your energy being a lizard girl makes sense. See, this is the one. I knew you were going to say that. You have lizard energy and it just makes sense in a good way. You look like you've done this before we go. No, just let him on you. You let something on you by like. No, he's cute. Look, he's wearing a hat or whatever. No, but that's fun. I think get it where you can get it. But this is my fear. I know fish people. What do you mean? Oh, like, like tank people. Eddie downstairs. That cool dude you love. I like him. Fish dude. The door guy. Cause he's got a fucking door guy. Okay. Yeah, I do. I'm 42. I literally, why the first thing I said to you was you're rich. Yeah. Well, I live in a nice place, but I live with no kids, dual income. I know. What's up? What's up? What's up? Everyone I know is pregnant right now. Really? Yes. Everyone I know is finding out what ailments their children have. The, the, the, the ice is thawed on the toddler ears. They're going, I think they have a violent streak. Right now. All my friends are, I'm very lucky. No, I wouldn't. All my friends, kids are healthy and happy. But they are getting to like, most of them are in school now cause I'm, I'm in my forties. So my friends are all like, Hey, but what is great about being the friend with no kids. Right. They're fun to hang with. Now I come in with a chaos that they go like, I love this. Well, your voice is so shocking that I feel like if I was a kid and I heard that I would like, you would be the most faint. You would be a celebrity to me just because your voice is here. Yeah. Yeah. Thunder man came to our house and he knows my dad and he talks to me and like, if you're so small and down here and then a big guy with the craziest voice in America, your voice does come from where thunder comes from, which for a kid is this Thor of voice. Yeah. I, this is a real story. I used to, uh, I went to Thanksgiving with Joe list and his family in Massachusetts and you know, great drinking or whatever. He's got a huge voice. He's got a huge Irish family. His cousins come over, they have a two year old and I go, hi, how are you? And she went like my voice, the voice of God and scared her. And she was like, I mean, I think she's like 16 now, but I remember being like, she can never look at you this. Yeah. I was like, Oh, I felt like a monster. I was like, have you ever seen like a tchotchke on the shelf rattled because you spoke too loudly. That's how I make them dance. All those men dance when I talk. I literally, when we did that show together at radio city, we both did. Uh, we both opened for stave at radio city music hall and say it, you did more time than I did. Say it one woman on the line. I think so. Well, I like, I was doing that thing. I find myself like going, maybe it's like the, like melatonin hangover that I feel like I have every day of my life. I just walk through my life kind of really not thinking about what I'm doing while it's happening. So what's, um, from the perspective of going on stage. At radio city, we got there late and radio city is a giant for people to understand. It's giant, just a dome, but it's a dome that you look and it's just a wall of people. Yes. Tall and skinny. Just like us. Come on. Lank energy. We like it. We like it. But you come like from the side of the stage in the reveal. The reveal is like shocking. It's shot. And I said, like, I wasn't, I was just like, Oh shit. Like it opens up in a way that you're like, Oh shit. "What?" And I've been lucky to do other big venues 'cause of my friends, Madison Square Garden, shane crazy brag just the bags you all my friends my friends have the biggest rooms i don't my friends the biggest you live in a pretty nice apartment i had to live in queens for 15 years i know that's right it was a payoff i'll take this apartment i earned this shit there's something about like when you go to madison square garden though you're like you have to walk around such a big circle to get to a door you know it's huge but something about radio city you're like i just got off the train and i ended up here and i like wasn't thinking he added me last minute because you know that's how you guys always add women to your shows we go fine fine put a chick on is that even a chick i can't tell i'm so mad my friends have wives my fan friends have wives now this is free here's one for the ladies what's up with shopping give a couple receipts then get your ass off stage women do be shopping women do be shopping what if that's what what if that's how you freed society from podcasts it was like it happened where there's like at the podcast center they're like something's happening joe rogan shoots himself in the head because i said it i'm in my bunker bro just bullets alpha brain is just on the window because i said the one thing that broke the sound barrier women do and i can in fact attest as someone who just not to brag got off an airplane and i came from traveling and he um my suitcase was overweight because i did be shopping but you're right you come into the you just like come off the train i'm like and where they have you come in is like a tiny hallway you go in a weird elevator like your cattle and then they let you out and i'm like uh and i said like i wasn't thinking and i was just like oh yeah i'm doing stop show put on like the worst outfit of all time i saw and then i just like we were all taught first of all i couldn't find the green room and so i'm like looking all over for the green room and then i hear like really good honestly i was actually i was on the way here i was like nervous i was like he's so fast i'm scared yeah you come you have analogies very fast i was a lonely child so you were sitting thinking about analogies just building them i was talking to katie and i was like dude sarah absolutely is the girl that in high school we would have a group project together and then we become fast friends no where it would be like after the project and i'd be like we made some other girl do most of the work while we were having fun walking around making fun of people where i go oh you know it's like absolutely when i hung out with you after his stavi show i was like that's how it felt i was like i thought when we were hanging out i kind of was like i was like i'm doing your podcast right and you were like yeah and then i realized i don't actually think you asked me to do your podcast i just assumed it was funny as it was in the works it was he was there and i was like we were hanging out and i was kind of like i don't remember that is a genius way to get booked though i'm pretty sure i'm doing your podcast what am i i think that's actually kind of a way to go like hanging out having fun just hanging around and be like uh so what am i doing your podcast and you go we're like hanging out on camera right but you did the bus with stav yes i did and i broke my weed sobriety on the bus what made you want to do that i couldn't sleep in the coffin i was getting shook people either uh really sleep really well on tour buses or i don't know the second it stops moving i'm gonna say the most offensive thing that's ever been said in the history of microphones and cameras i believe if you sit i know i believe wow you've been stunned silent i i believe if you sleep well on a tour bus that might be evidence of a chaotic womb you're saying it's like let's take it let's take it back yeah to let's take it back to the 80s yeah someone's mom is pregnant yeah does it maybe no first trimester right jazzercising jazzercising stepping pulling as katie likes to quote when she talks about jane fonda's workout tapes very controlled very controlled very mindful very relaxed you're saying the baby getting sloshed around a little crack do a little math go to the club hop around dancing and then they're like i can't sleep and then they put them on a tour bus and it returns them to their chaotic womb yeah so what happened so you're saying we had normal wounds yes thank you mom thanks mom thank i actually was doing crazy shit in the womb by the way like backflips i saved my mom from the first 911 i don't believe this yes from the 1997 bombing of the world trade center 93 but thank you for thinking i'm 21 or whatever that's why you're there was a bombing yeah in the parking garage yes and my mom was working there at the time i'm kicking in the womb she's going i don't feel good i'm not gonna come to work today damn and then those guys with the u-hauls down in the basement uh-huh damn and how old were you when that happened i was 10 years old oh yeah i was already in a freedom force i was sent in to fight them when that attack happened you know what happened they came out to my ranch in colorado they landed with a helicopter and they said i had a toothpick in and they said you're the most dangerous 10 year old in the world and they said we think we believe that 911 one just happened and i went i've been playing nerf guns with my friends in the street for this is there a staircase i can hide up you were seal point yeah that would have been a 90s comedy movie where they're like they're navy seals but they're 10 the worst thing they gotta worry about isn't al-qaeda it's was your voice like this when you were 10 oh yeah i had a deep voice my voice was so deep that uh this is like you know obviously before the internet or whatever i used to love action figures shout out still put them up on the bookcase after all he's done after all he's done he sucks he does suck but it this is like listen you weren't there man you weren't there for hulkamania in the 80s brother it was it it's it sucks so bad how much i know he sucks but just being like dude from 1 to 10 years old i get why people are religious because you're like he was my jesus he was just like is there a bad guy guess what the bad guy's gonna hurt me right then i'm gonna hulk up and do that sound into the mic again he used to my dad would my dad would be like drinking when we were i would like rent tapes you know because we didn't have the money for pay-per-views so we'd rent the tape and my dad and i would like want to watch the hulk hogan match and my dad i always remember would be drinking sitting there watching and he thought it was so funny when hulk hogan would hulk up do you know what hulking up is he take his shirt off no that was the beginning he always did that okay okay but then when he was getting beat up by the bad guy uh-huh there'd be a moment where he's like wait a second your shit doesn't hurt me anymore and he'd be like and then they would hit him and he'd go you whole crowd would yell it big my dad thought that was the funniest shit in the world or he's like so what so he's just shaking off punches and he's like and i would be like there was the first time i was like mad where i was like will you just let me enjoy this wow so this explains the like bottomless comedian black hole in your heart is you always needed to figure out how to make dad laugh yes hello that's been the fuel source how do you not diagnose that early on in your career oh that's why all these people are like back in the 40s they're doing drugs like yeah because they didn't have therapy they didn't know why they were doing all this crazy erratic shit oh are you in therapy yeah what are you not oh girl twice a week please twice a week and he tried to get me five that's just a guy ripping you off well of course you can do whatever he wants to me he's my therapist well now he's got his fingers in deep are you gonna get fucking um stevie nixed are you gonna have like 10 years of on colonopin and then we're gonna have to free you from no that's the problem no medication just dream analysis and like i'm like and i'm like this too you lay down on the couch you do the stereotypical i'm literally like that i'm going like oh my god the spider in my dream was like the symbol of the monstrous other like you know that's yeah how long have you been in therapy for who has the time to know i'm for you were a kid not long not long there's like a you know like i i had like a tough guy dad who was like you know i was like well like that overrides it out that overrides the judaism's understanding of therapy yes it's the long island yes the you know the 12 tribes understand the importance of get of talking to somebody of of getting your feelings out yes but the long island yes that that nitrous if you're depressed like go if you're depressed go walk it out yeah exactly if you're hungry eat a piece of cheese if you're thirsty eat an altoid that was big that's really big an altoid can i tell you i was always the kid that would eat stuff for attention you know for like right to be funny this is the other how you became a comedian but yeah okay i did 15 altoids on the back of the bus and it's great and even you saying that i was like i think it gives you diarrhea doesn't it no it just makes you hurt your sinuses everything it just like oh my god Go to the Lifesavers sugar-free experiment Amazon user review page. They all say that those gave them crazy diarrhea. Well, they were doing that with, there was gummy bears. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That they were taking the sugar out and people were like, so I'm just shitting my brains out right now. That is, like, we don't think about in history how much diarrhea was happening during important events because they didn't have the refrigeration, didn't have stuff where they were like, Benjamin Franklin was like, oh, this, I'll tie this. Yeah, I gotta, whew. This is so interesting. Howard Zinn's history and people's history of whatever. You gotta write Dan Soder's, like, diarrhea history. Diarrhea history. Of America. Like, maybe there's some iconic moments that are even more iconic because they had the trots. Well, that's, and every iconic moment must have been really stressful, which. Breeds of diarrhea. You're not Jewish at all. No, I wish, man. I'm one of those kids. You don't wish. Dude, when I grew up and everybody wanted to be black, I just wanted to be Jewish so bad. My dad was, my dad was, like, very funny and, you know, we loved comedy. Uh-huh. And he was big into Mel Brooks. Oh, of course. And for some reason, my family, like, my dad's family, even though they're Swedish, used Yiddish. Swedish, oh. Because they are, like, it's just like a. Like, slangily? Yeah, slang, like, they would use Yiddish slang. Sure, sure. In a way that I was like, that makes zero sense because they were, like, Episcopalian. Oh, right. So you're like, I don't know why, but a lot of, like, Yiddish slang was my dad, his dad would use and my dad would use a lot. So it was really. You're like, I'm fluent in Yiddish, which is why I can wear your culture as my costume. That's exactly it. But I wanted it. You have such a, like, you, but your relationship to diarrhea is so strong, I was convinced that maybe you were one. Oy vey. You can't say that. Yeah. He's a soft one. You have the pass. You have the pass. You're giving me a bar mitzvah pass? You got a bar mitzvah pass. I'm in one of my pass forever. L'chaim. Oh, my God. I'm just like. Now I have opinions about Israel. And say it. There's three cameras. Yeah, now. This is a very porn. All podcasts have a porn setup. It does. It does feel like that where you come into a room and everyone's, like, overly nice and you go, now let's get to the nasty shit. Hey. A lot of diarrhea talk. White wall. Don't kiss my dog. You're a dog mouthed me. As we progress, the end of the podcast is me giving a full, sincere apology to you with Myrtle out here. Like, Myrtle, I need you to look her in the eye. I was orally raped by a dog named Myrtle. Myrtle. Did your old lady name. That's cute. How did that happen? She's named. Oh, man. She's named after a. Aw. She's named after a bot on a video game. You know what? I just wish she did. I know. Yeah, I just wish she did. I wish I did. My boyfriend's playing. My boyfriend's addicted to slay the spire right now. Does this mean. Does not mean anything to you? No, I'm playing Ark Raiders still, which is a different video game, but that's a level of like video game that I respect. Does he play on a computer? He was playing on a computer and I keep me. When I go in the room and I see one of those hard drives with the lights on the outside, I go, oh, he does. I would not let that into the house. Come on. What do I look like? A lizard girl. No, but is he? How much time is he putting in on it? Well, I keep being like, stop. And he keeps being like, you literally don't understand. This is like famously. Everybody's like literally addicted to this game and I'm waiting for like someone else to be like, no, seriously. Like, do you have to put like screen time restrictions? Yeah. And you know, Netflix does that thing where it's like, are you still watching this? It's your girlfriend coming in the room and being like gaming. I don't know, but he's like, no, you don't like, but you don't understand why it's addictive either because you don't play it. No, but I understand the addiction of video games. I don't. It's like, you can get into it. I live. I, if I've had a video game controller in my hands and I'm in like, whatever, you know, whatever play and been like too anxious that I have to throw the remote. Really? Really? Because it's like, did you grow up with video games? No. That's why people keep growing up with video games. I wasn't a virgin loser. So, well, hold on. People usually say, well, first off, you can get pussy and play video games. Well, I've seen, I walked in on my boyfriend playing Baldur's Gate. I've seen the big green pussy. Okay. There is crazy shit in video games where you go, you do make this for guys that don't fuck. I walked in and I said, you're having sex with a big green woman. This is cheating. Well, well, guess what? Baldur's Gate defense. You like this too. Baldur's Gate is like, you got to jump in. I don't, I kind of just want to pick up my video games and play them. I'm going to play for like a half hour, an hour, maybe two. I'm playing Ark Raiders at Huey Lewis. And the news? Well, yeah, I can't bring the whole news. I can't bring the whole news to the video game. I only can bring Huey, but I, I'll play for like two hours and feel like good and then I'll go do some, but Katie plays video games too. So if she's into a video game and I'm into a video game, that's what we did during the pandemic. What do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, girls can play video games. But what are you guys playing? We play Rocket League. That's what Myrtle's named after. Shout out to Myrtle and Rocket League. Got it. Which is like car soccer. Like she, we both played Red Dead Redemption 2. Okay. We both, Ghost of Tsushima. During COVID, God of War. I liked watching my friends play Resident Evil. Great. Scary, spooky. Scary, cool, awesome. Very fun game. She got super into Call of Duty. She played Call of Duty during COVID and was like nasty at it. The thing that started Columbine or whatever. Girl, as someone that was in the state during Columbine. Oh my God, were you there? I was, well, I wasn't at Columbine. I was at, I was at the high school two weeks before it happened. My friend's sister was playing in a high school. You are a celebrity. Not really. Oh, actually, this is, I'm not going to lie, because of Columbine, me and my friends were on the cover of the New York Times on the Sunday edition. I swear to God, we went to the memorial and we, we put down flowers and some guy took a picture and it was like, I'm standing in the back. My friend, Chad is putting down flowers. Yeah, you're not Jewish. You had friends named Chad and Denver. and Danny and Joel. Wait, could you, wait, can you guys do one of the, this goes on YouTube. Yeah. Can you do one of these things? Bloop bloop. Yeah, they'll put it right here. They'll put the picture. Here's his Columbine picture. She's trying to get out. Can't talk about Columbine without getting the dog involved. She can't speak English. She knows. She's a, she's an Eric Harris girl and I'm a Dylan Klebold boy, so I kind of just fight over it. Which one's the trench coat one? Both of them are the trench coat ones, but Eric Harris was the psychopathic leader and Dylan Klebold was believed to be the follower. You should read Dave Column's book, Columbine. It's fantastic. Did he give himself like a drag name to name himself after the event? Dave Columbine. Dave Column. I'm Sprouts McBitch. Oh, his gay voice came out. Oh no, get it, lock it, send it to everybody. I feel like you, before I interrupt you, I have to do like for the millionth time. No, I love that. I do it all the time. I thought you were going to say some statistic about how people who play video games have sex. No. No, no, no. That's what I thought. No, no, no. I wish I had that. No, I was just going to say, people who play video games, it's not as nerdy as it was. When I was like in the 90s, like before the internet and shit, if you played like computer games, you were, you could be a nerd. You could be a fucking nerd. But now it's like everyday Joes. Right. Be gaming. Right. Your boyfriend's probably a normal guy. He's so cool. You know, he probably breeds lizards or whatever you guys do. Well, this is why we're not getting a lizard. Because did you know that the gecko, if they get stressed out, they like chop their own tail off? Yeah, but then it grows back. But then I couldn't, I don't want to be dealing with a tail. I think that's way less, more traumatic than like a hamster eating its babies. What do they do? Well, who's getting it? I'm not, you think I'm a hamster? I don't think you're a hamster girl. Thank you. I would never call you a hamster girl. Thank you. You scared me when you called me a lizard girl. Oh, no, no, no. Lizard girl's like, you're cool. You'd probably hang out at the skate shop. Yeah, but it's kind of pick me. Girls with snakes. Oh, girls in high school are snakes. No, no, no. Girls with snakes are trauma victims. Right. Girls with snakes are not pick me. Girls with snakes are like, who? Who did it? Right. And they go, this is my dad's friend. And you go, totally. That's a python? Just go back there. Right. You're reclaiming the phallus. Yes, exactly. Totally. That's fucking twice a week, dude. That's laying down on a couch. That's laying down. Bro, what's up? Ba, ba, ba, ba. I was having recurring nightmares that I was on tour and, but sleeping on park benches and then waking up and someone had scratched my back and blood was running down it. Jesus, that's very detailed. No, my, you don't dream? You don't remember. I've smoked a lot of weed over the years. I don't. This, and I got my dreams. You got your dreams back. I got my dreams. It's, you gotta get them back. I did it a couple of years ago. I quit for like six months, like two years ago. I quit for six months and those dreams were gnarly. They're speaking to you, Dan. They have something to say. I used to, I've told, I'm sorry, I've told this story before if you've heard it, but I used to. Certainly I haven't. I've told, I've told this story before, but I'm going to have Sarah tell it. I used to not smoke weed when I'd visit my grandma. And so. I was trying to tell her. I like that. I actually thought you were going to say that. I was a big fan of it, but I used to not smoke when i visit my grandma and i remember like the third day and i had a dream that a guy pulled a gun and i wrestled it away but i shot him like on tv where they're like oh and then i ran right and i was wanted for murder and it felt so real that when i woke up i like had to sit up in bed with my feet on the ground like in tv shows where they're like oh to be grounded yeah like i had to like ground my feet to be like okay so this is reality because that was so scary but it was so awesome the way you were doing it you must have felt no i was like oh my god i killed a guy i'm gonna walk around knowing i killed a person your unconscious was trying to speak to you dan yeah your unconscious uses violent shocking imagery to so what did your therapist say when you laid down on the couch about the scratches you know what this is the problem he doesn't we're gonna find out you're getting ripped off i am it's gonna be the scene you know the scene in something about mary where the guy leaves while while ben stiller's telling he comes back in and he's finishing eating the sandwich he's like oh that sounds that's what's happening to you you're laying down i love the guy i love the guy i really do he wears air force wands that's crazy i don't need it i need hokas i need hokas or new balances i need to or you know what's preferably sketch or slip ones right sketch or slip the ones that would be insane no because listen that would be insane you're right you're right you're right you're right he's got to put his feet in and click in his little heels right putting on air force ones in a cardigan he's like trying to have sex with me what are you trying to ball out he's trying to ball out he's trying to ball in me you know sarah that's crazy that's really crazy your dream is you know i was down at the wreck on sunday i went left guy tried to collapse on me i kick out to the outside my boy hits a three obviously that's where obviously you know it took me like 45 minutes to understand you were talking about the sport i'm slowing it down i slow it down thank you for saying that yeah i did like kitchen spanish like the way the line cooks would talk to me they go poquito and i go a little but you like wearing air force ones at a therapy session is also too much of a flex i yeah and being like like i get you are those the sevens like i'm cool i'm cool also he laughed at something i said the other day and i was like how dare you like i was being hilarious oh you can't but i was being hilarious and he was like but he he's not allowed to like show like human he if he that's emoting he emoted at me oh i'm only necessary i made my therapist cry i've got him a couple times i've got him a couple times dude that's what's up he's gonna make me cry all the time what did you say i just told the story about the first time i saw my my my mom like it was like i was in my 30s it was like the first time i saw my mom be in love with my dad for the first time in my life you know what i'm saying was when we were driving to my grandma's apartment and my mom was like i haven't been here since the 70s and then she like or like early 80s and she stopped and she's like i loved your father so much and you're like and they hated each other when i was growing up so it was like a weird moment and i it was much longer and much more in detail and he knows all the story but he got misty-eyed and i was like are you and he's like it's a very sweet moment you got to experience and i was like brag fucking brag making your therapist and i was like and i only did it 14 years i only got him twice it was the second you don't have to say i forgot about it i forgot about what the second one was i just remember that one because i was like damn dude you you've been breaking me you've been cracking me open this whole time god damn it i've never made him fucking cry actually i wouldn't know because i'm does he make you cry girl come on you don't look you know i'm a lay down crier a crumpled up cup on the side you know that's what i explained to my guy friends that refuse therapy because they cry about shit where i go buddy that shouldn't trigger you like a guy stealing a guy stealing third base and getting away with it and they're like but you know what i have been moved to tears by a sport game yeah sports when it's at its best right makes you very emotional angry well but also very like that's where i think you can find common ground with your tough long island day yes it's like he loves the rangers so much yes his ringtone on it no what his he gets a help me out notification he gets a notification on his phone for every time the rangers score a goal it's the sound what's the sound he gets the horn he gets the horn on his phone every time they some they do something i love that there's like uh i watch sports and i go like oh yeah it's one of the only bonds i have with my dad yeah it was like we both the sports teams we liked but then i watch katie's brother and her dad bond over hockey and i'm like i love this i watch and i go look at this that's where that's where men are allowed to be emotional right it's like allowed to like hug i've ever seen was i was working at hilarities in cleveland awesome the night they want yeah you've never done it it's great no i would love to be booked nick and scott if you could um they the calves won the nba championship uh-huh that sunday night i was doing a show like but the club's like down the street from the arena and i came out and it was the streets for filled with men hugging each other oh that was what it was where they were like they're like crying because they hadn't won a championship in that city in 50 years it was great i i like never i think you know my my i have a little brother and my dad they were always you know sports guys my whole life like whatever what and i never paid attention because i was like no like i like dude i like music like sorry i like the arts you guys are just bashing your each other's heads into it and i'm a fool look at what i missed out on literally literally it's a good ballet it's beautiful it's a beautiful ballet i missed out on all this and then i could probably sell you right now on professional wrestling how much time you get well i'm sold wwe socks i'm sold was your dad a big he's a long island guy wrestling's big in the on the island too gay too gay okay okay my dad my dad he's a hockey addict and then even yeah hockey guys are tough they're tough guys and then i took them to a yeah i took them to a rangers game i know that's the flex though took them to rangers that's why i think lauren michaels's entire purpose on this earth is is to get me closer to my dad yeah literally yes i read his biography his dad died when he was a kid pretty heavy talking about chevy chase oh he's an asshole um his dad died yes so he that's like it makes sense on why he does a lot of his shit because he's like i'm gonna heal that wound and i don't even have a father wound and i'm like papa everybody does right right no one that has parents doesn't have some damage right because that's why i didn't want kids because sure it's a love i'm never gonna feel i'm gonna do so much damage that i'm unaware of where they go you remember how you love video games well now i have to be choked to cum and you go crap should have put you on art graders with me i wouldn't let my kids know about cum their whole life i wouldn't let them know about it you like it was like a huge accident like every time they came they're like oh and you go no leaks we don't have leaks in this house that you can't be a parent can you imagine being a parent and then your kids are out there coming it's disgusting dude i told this story to kyle canane but my mom i'm the only child single mom and we grew up in the house and when i started i used to jerk off into my underwear oh no and then my mom would do laundry and one time my mom like you know cum smells no like that and i was supposed to discourage you well it was kind of the aware of like maybe you stop she said come it's semen i don't forget what she said she goes you know jizz i guess that's the last mom style yeah my mom my mom's not like she's not proper right you know she's like a lady she's also not like got a fucking dip in like here's what happens come you know it's mostly salt even though it's uh but it's like she uh she always talked to me like a she said that to you so that you would feel so guilty that she would have she was kind of me that was her going like cleaning up your cum right and then you go gotcha kleenexes this was like throw them away this is that's actually beautiful there was a girl there was a pregnant girl in my high school health class who raised her hand said why does cum taste salty and then we all went and she was pregnant yeah she's pregnant and we were like and you know what cum tastes like yeah well maybe you should have got over that you wouldn't be having a kid at 16. no here's the thing her pussy could taste more i pregnant in a health class tough might be and she asked what a sir her her she was like my my my doctor said my cervix was dilated what does that mean yeah it was tough what is your did you go to public school yeah of course of course um public school though that teacher's not built for that no no no he goes well i'm the football coach so hot hot hike i don't know what to tell you miss it was i well they could it was odd because they you know what's dare for pregnancy what's to scare people away from having sex right it's pretty much what they're they're just trying to freak you out by going like we were freaked out they show the video miracle of life yeah that was where you yeah that was crazy that's like the first time you see a pussy publicly right you just go like yo right and not know it everyone eats it and you're like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die even me the guy that got kicked out in the hallway that was always like we're gonna see a pussy even i was like oh this is very medical yes and it is and it's it It's like a, it's a Cronenbergian nightmare. They get, they get, they get teared right open. That baby, that's an 80s baby. They made that movie in like the 70s or 80s where there was no like thought of the mother. Right. There was like a hell of fluoride in the water. That baby's fat. Yeah. That baby's come out. That baby came out like a bottle of water from a pack you don't want to open on the end. It's just like. That baby came out like Freddy Krueger clawing through the wall. Oh, I used to be so scared of Freddy Krueger. Because he could rape you in your dreams and that's why you don't dream anymore. There you go. Have I been raped by Freddy Krueger? I don't think so. Sorry, Freddy. No means no. And this is a PSA for doing drugs. Rot your brain with resin. You're going to like what I'm about to say. You've said the most offensive thing ever in a microphone and I'm about to like what you're fucking saying. My brother. Yeah. During the, we were watching, we're sitting around the TV watching. I have a little brother. He's 28 sitting around the TV watching the winter Olympics. He described to me miracle on the ice. Oh, 1980 USA beating the USSR. Mere description. Yeah. Sobbing, crying. How great is that? It's the most beautiful thing. It's great. I'm not going to do any research. I'm not going to watch the movie. Watch Kurt Russell movie. I'm, is Kurt Russell? Yeah. Oh. Hello. That was all I had to tell you. Yeah. You got to watch. I thought you'd like it. What's even funnier is when you find out like sports movies that I grew up with. And then you find out later in life that like the real story sucks. And you're like, oh man, that was such a cool, the movie Rudy about, you know, he's like a scrappy little guy and he walks on at Notre Dame. Have you ever heard of the movie Rudy? I just was explained the concept of miracle on the ice. Yeah. Do you know Rudy at all? Are you familiar? Babe Ruth. Not Babe Ruth. This is great. Rudy is the story of a. Are you going to make me cry? Yeah. I hope so. I hope so. But then I'll tell you the real truth of it. And then it'll make me cry. So Rudy, every man born that likes football born after, uh, you know, maybe when does people stop watching Rudy? Maybe 95 people stop caring. It's a classic. A guy loves his whole family. Loves Notre Dame. Sean. It's, um, Sean. Who's the actor that plays him? Sam wise. Ganji from Lord of the Rings. Did you watch Lord of the Rings? No. What kind of? I know. I know. Cause if you don't do that, I'm not going to watch it. If I go to that, then I don't know. Did you watch stranger things? No. Sean Astin. Sean Astin. Sean Astin. Little guy. Loves Notre Dame. Can't get in there. Goes to school. Walks on the team. Gets beat up. Makes the team. It crescendos with him getting into the game in the crowd, chanting his name, Rudy at Notre Dame. And he gets carried off the field. Well, what was wrong with him? He had a little and why he's going to play for one of the greatest football teams in the world. And he wants it so bad that he won't be able to play. He wants it so bad that he won't give up. And he keeps going. And then he makes the team. And then he gets in the game. He's a little guy. He gets tossed around like a little ball. A little ball. And then he gets up. But he wants it so bad. And then they pick him up. They go, Rudy. Rudy. Didn't produce a single tear. Yeah. Nothing about. Oh, you know what? I'm going to do a movie watch along with Sarah Sherman. We're going to bring back the movie watch alongs. And you and I are going to watch Rudy. Oh, I like that. This is my problem. I never get to talk during movies. Oh, dude. We'll do a movie watch along where all you do is talk. While you watch it. I would love to talk through a movie. Well, smoke weed, too. I don't know if you still have your broken sobriety. I can't. Weed is the hardest drug known to man. It's harder than crack. I can't do it. It's harder. It's literally harder than crack. What do you mean? Because you're so addicted to it? No. It has psychedelic properties. Well, now they. They experience ego death on a weed mint. Yeah, they have really made it too good. No, it's not good. It's bad. They made it too crazy bad. Maybe I can find you some 90s swag. You know, I'll pick some sticks and stems out of it. And then we can roll it where you get the very silly, happy, very hungry, very sleepy. That was the swag thing. Right. It was like, smoke it. Very giggly. Uh-huh. Red, deep red eyes. Hunger. Deep sleep. This is what I've only recently had the weed that makes you stay. On Stav's tour bus. So what made you break it? You just couldn't sleep. Well, I couldn't sleep. This is where we all, we're getting back to it. We're finishing it. We're finishing topics. We're, two big mouths are going to finish a single topic. And then I have another question back on the. We've got a name of an episode. Two big mouths. Can you fit your whole fist in your mouth? I used to be able to. I don't think I can now. And I don't have dental. So I don't want to try. Oh, you don't want to trigger your TMJ. Yeah, I don't want to fuck up. Can you? I was just wondering about it because we said big mouth. Yeah. And I know we weren't talking about the cartoon. I take bites that upsets Katie. Right. Where I take bites and she goes, yo, I'm going to be having Mexican food. I'll do a giant chip with guacamole. And she's like, the whole thing. And I'm like, yeah, I can do that. Right, you unhook your jaw like a snake. I don't. I have a, do you have this problem? I have a problem where I will just keep, and now it's going to sound like I'm a copycat or a follower. Well, I'm not. Okay, I'm not. Yeah, you're indie. Yeah, you name. You're underground. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your name's Three Sarahs. Okay, whatever. Name, whatever. You know what I'm trying to say, right? Whatever. But if I try to keep pace with anyone I'm eating around. That fucks you up? So like if I was eating with you, I would just, because we'd be talking or whatever, whatever, and I'd be eating to just keep up with you. And then I would be taking these big bites. So you would try to take big bites just to keep up? But it's an automatic response. It's just because you know when you're like eating and you're having fun and you're like whatever. Or when you eat fast and someone eats slow and you feel like a pig and you're like, were you eating at a normal pace? And I'm just a savage asshole. Right. I was filter feeding in this restaurant. Or if everyone else eats and I don't, I feel like I've just been talking the whole time. Why would everyone be eating and you're not? Just because you don't want to tell the story? Right, right, right, right. That's what I mean. Oh, I am talking too much. You weren't watching your weight. No, I go, oh, I've had too many bites. Katie's going to be mad at me. She's going to hit me. But we're, wait, we almost. I was going to ask you a question. We almost closed the circle. Oh, oh. But I was going to ask you a different question. Sports movie. We'll come back to this. This is what my friend, my best friend, Jack Bensinger, if he has a thought and he wants to remember it, he goes like this. Put a pin in it. And he holds it. Like I'm holding the thought. Oh, that's great. Isn't that nice? Yeah, that's nice. I'm outing him for being a little autistic. It's great though. I love his brain power games. Literally, we were at, I think we were seeing like 28 years later Bone Temple or something. In the middle of the movie, I see him go like this. That's great. That's great. That's great. I fucking like that. I like it. I think we need to start holding on to that thought. So hold on to that thought. And what's your question? Sports movie. Is there a Chris Benoit sports movie? What's the movie? That's a nightmare. Well, I guess we are. Chris Benoit murdered his family. Well, I'm saying it's like the only sports movie I think I would care about. Oh. Can I tell you where that gets a little choppy? Because he murdered his whole family. Yeah, well, he didn't choppy. He strangled. Not the kids. Yeah, he killed his kid. Killed his kid with exercise. Yeah, he put his, he put like extra, he like killed his kid with like exercise equipment. No. Yeah, like put the thing around his neck and then like broke his neck. Oh, yeah, it's horrible. No. It's a horrible, horrible thing. This is why we can't make a movie. Is this what the movie wanted? It's the each of all I would sort a movie. One. That's where I would think you'd be able to do it. It could only be done as a dateline or a 2020. Or a Quentin Tarantino. This bastard's the kids. Oh, that's sick, dude. He goes, here's what I want. Okay. The kid's not dead. Okay. He's out of it. His feet are bare. Okay. Yeah, dude. If he made it back like an alternative history. Yes. Chris Benoit is like, bon voyage, my giant. I don't know. I'd make a French Canadian. I think he's from Alberta. No, he's from Calgary. But the kid would kick out. Yeah. Kill him. And do the whatever. Hulk. Smash. Yeah, the Hulk. You'd Hulk out. What was Chris Benoit's move? Diving headbutt. Do you would do the diving headbutt? Or the cross-faced crippler. Oh, my God. Which if you would like, I could show on Myrtle. I put her in wrestling submissions. Cross-faced crippler? Yeah. Yeah, after too many. After you had a couple too many grunts. So, what broke the weed sobriety? Ping. Wee. No, but like you couldn't sleep and then you went out to the bus and you're like. You're going to tell me more about Chris Benoit killing his whole family. I don't want to talk about Chris Benoit killing his whole family. It's very sad. As a wrestling fan, it was one of those things where he was so good at wrestling that when it happened, you went, fuck. Really? Yeah, because there's like a lot of guys that suck and they're shitheads and you go, fuck that guy. But he was not. You were surprised. He was really good at wrestling. Was he a. Yeah, it was a shocking thing. Heel? Yeah, he was a great bad guy. No one saw it coming. No, he was like. Because there are some guys where if I found, if I opened the newspaper and yeah, let's keep. Let's keep it alive. Let's keep it a buck. I read. If I open it, if I see there's some guys, if I open the newspaper tomorrow and I see that they've killed their whole family, I'm not surprised. Yeah, never mind. But this, you were surprised. It was shocking. Right. They did a tribute to him on Monday Night Raw. After he killed his whole family? They didn't know. Him and his family were found dead. And then the next night on Monday Night Raw, they like did like a 17 bell salute. Shoot. There's like literally all the wrestlers standing there. and they're like, some of them are in street clothes and some of them are dressed with like, Like, there's stuff coming off their arms, you know, like their flare, and they're sitting there like this, and they're like, dong, dong, and then it comes out in the coming weeks that he murdered his family, and everyone was like, shit. So now you can't find that Monday Night Raw. You cannot find that. They scrubbed that shit. My bad, y'all. Oh, y'all, turns out he was a family annihilator. My bad. Dude, movie now, tomorrow. Let me play the wife. Please, please. You can't play her. Why? Because she. She was all woman. Her name in WCW was woman. Was she also? She was like a manager, and she used to date another wrestler, and then she left that wrestler for Chris Benoit. They started a family. Dude, this is a fucking movie. There's documentaries. You should go watch. Right, right, facts. Go watch Dark Side of the Ring. Okay, shit. Shit's fucked up. See, I just want to like pull your little string and let you talk, girl. No, girl. Listen, I'm a wrestling girly. I'm a murder girl. Whose song was Ace of Spades? Triple H. See, that's my one wrestling fact. He wouldn't come out to Ace of Spades. He'd come out to a other Lemmy song called The Game. Oh. Oh, The Game. It's time to play The Game. Because what's funny about that is, my phone is in here. That's what, when we were potty training her during COVID, that we would do a thing where I would play that song. Because when we would take her outside, we were training her, so we'd walk her outside, and then if she didn't pee, you'd come back in, wait a little bit, take her back outside, pee, but then when she does pee, you come back inside, you give her a treat. Being like, see, you pee outside. Right. So we were potty training her, and then every time I would go to do it, like The Game song, I would play it. I'd go, Myrtle. It's time to make the B. Don't let her piss. I gotta watch out. I'd go, Let's go on a walk. That really reminds me of COVID. Awesome. Because every morning I'd go, It's time to play The Game, and I'd play it, and we'd go outside. Or I would do the, fuck, what band is that? I'm going for a walk. I think it's like, they're cool. You're a music gal. How do you not know that? Nah. Nah. I don't know that. I bet you think this band is corny, too. I bet it's not a good name. This might be Guy. This might be Guy stuff. I don't know about Guy stuff. Going for a walk is, you know what's great about podcasts, is I know someone knows that song and is screaming it at their. You fucking idiot. You didn't know that Going for a Walk is Willie Nelson's biggest Christmas album? Oh, damn it. Bad religion. Oh, sure. Going for a walk. I hate to break it to you. I'm not a bad religion. You're not a bad religion? Who's your favorite band of all time? My favorite band of all time? Yeah. Go now. I guess Flea with Mac. I guess. Have you seen them live? I have not. Really? Mm-hmm. And now one of them, Christy died. Yeah. May she fucking rest. And hold that. I'm still holding that. Hold that. May she fucking. Isn't that. I've never seen them live, favorite band of all time. I don't know. Never happened. I don't know. I met. Lindsey Buckingham was at SNL once. Were you hyped? I went crazy. And a security guard had to be like, no pictures, man. I am. You're like, I'm on the cast. Did you know he was coming that whole day? No. Best way to meet someone. Who was your biggest, you didn't know someone was coming, best way to meet someone? That's a good one. Macho man, Randy Savage. I swear to God. You saw him online at Pratt getting a hard-boiled egg. I go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm getting a cell. No, I worked at a radio station and I went in to pick up. Right. I went in to pick up. Radio voice. Yes. That's correct, Sarah. I went in to pick up my paycheck and my program director was like, you should go in the production studio. And I was like, why? He's like, you should go in the production studio. And I opened the door and it was Macho Man promoting his rap album. That one. Be a man. Someone bought it for me on vinyl. I have it right there. Awesome. Where he raps and he talks shit to Hulk Hogan. Awesome. Be a man, Hulk. Shit rules. Why did they have beef? They were friends and then wrestlers. They're like comics. They're messy. There's one wrestler who has slid into my DMs a couple times. Can you bleep this out? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah. He's a handsome man. Hey, not bad. Hey, you still got it, Sherman. You go, hey, Sherman, you still got your good stuff. See how he feels about lizards. Geckos losing their tail. See, I wasn't going to get a fucking gecko and now you've brought it up so many times. I'm like, I have to get it to prove a fucking point to you that I actually could be actually a cool. Lizard girl. But then guess what? There's going to be that moment where you gecko, maybe named Lindsay. I don't know if you're naming it after Fleetwood Mac. Maybe Christy up on her rock, enjoying a heat lamp and you're going to see her smile and you're going to feel good. I know. Then you're going to go in there and you're going to put your finger and Lindsay's going to crawl on your finger and you're going to bring it right here. I have a fantasy. You're going to go, I get why I got mouth raped by Myrtle. Oh, getting mouth raped by a gecko. Oh, not the insurance one. I want to wear a white shirt. Yeah. With like a little, with little claws in there. Oh my God. Did you just have her? If you just had her at a table read, she just fucking. I want one. You go, Sarah, there's a new gecko policy. So there's this thing where the gecko, you know, Paul Simon. He didn't, he used to have a gecko. It really was bad for the room. You understand. What if the tail comes off? What do you do with it? You bury it? Put it in your ear. She's crying about it. Why? She's crying about the tail coming off. I'm still holding it. Hold on to that. Okay. I think you put it in your ear like a cigarette. We smoke it. Yeah. You go, you go, let's get that lizard high. What do people smoke when they smoke the toad? That's fake. It is? I don't know. Smoking frogs? You know about this. Toad venom. You're just saying that because of his pants. No, the toad venom. You're judging him by his pants. His pants. Oh, like I'd judge anyone for their pants. Look how bad Myrtle wants to get out and mouth rape you again. Because you played her peeing game song. Dude, I'm actually worried about that. I was just thinking about that. I was, it is real. It's time to play the peeing game. Smoking the toad refers to inhaling the dried venom of the Sonoran desert toad, which contains the powerful psychedelic substance 5-MeO-DMT. Miss me with that. Miss me with that. Yo, dude, I ain't ever coming at you about lizard knowledge. Dog, lizard, whatever, dog. If it's got webbed feet, I ain't fucking bringing it up to you. Well, remember when you couldn't get a little baby turtle because they're illegal in New York? Yeah. Remember that? What is, what was that? I don't know. Is that, is it legal now? Oh, maybe. Is it Legionnaires? That's in the water. What is that? Legionnaires disease? Diarrhea disease? I think so. Diarrhea? Throughout history? Put a pin in it. Sarah Sherman is fucking fantastic. She's on Saturday. Tonight live. She has an HBO special. She's also. Oh, please watch it. She's also in the new movie roommates on Netflix. Oh, yeah. Go watch everything she does. She's a lizard lady and she's a okay with me. Oh, my God. That was so fast. Right? I didn't even know it started or ended. You're free. That shit. Let's take a photo. Is that an hour? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? That was a fun day. You're so fast. Yeah. Ready, three, two, one. Go.