[REDACTED] Is In The Epstein Files?! | Your Mom's House Ep. 848

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Read real patient reviews, find the right fit for you, and book instantly. Because getting seen by the right doctor matters. ZocDoc. Ready to be seen? Download the ZocDoc app today. Oh, look at that face. Yes, ma'am. How you doing, Fart N-Word? I hope we were rolling. How great is Fart N-Word? I can't stop watching it. I've been watching it. I know, there's so many people that. I know. I haven't seen it, you know? We have to share. I think they're probably just going like, well, I have it. If you want me to share it, I will. Dude, your face looks great. Does it? Your face looks great. You got a great. Look at that pretty mouth. I never get to see that. I know, it's so strange to me. You have like such a pretty face. You think I'm a pretty lady? No, I don't. How much of a storm do you think you're going to cause on the interwebs for not having a beard right now? Do you feel like it's all people are talking about? It's going to be a thing. Is it bigger. Well, in our world. Is it bigger than Fart N-Word? It's not bigger than Fart N-Word. Hey, real quick. What's that? I don't. What is what? You don't know Fart N? Oh, no. Let's not even. Hold on. Buddy. Yeah, what? No, I don't. Let's save it. Yeah. Don't give it away. It is. It is so great. Okay. Okay. It's a great. Question is a great lost look on your face. You're like, can I learn about this too? Hey, I got a question. Before we go any further, could you give me some insight into what Fart N-Word is? I just feel like I might be behind on this one. You are. And I've been dying to talk to you about it. Oh, lovely. You got to weigh in. And it's got to enter the lexicon for sure. I hope it does on a national level, but at least in the office, you know? Do we have it as an ISO? As a drop? Yeah, yeah. I got you. I got you. We're rolling, right? Yeah. Yeah, we're in. Okay, good. Tom, what's wrong with your face? Well, what's wrong with your face? What's wrong with my face is the same thing that was wrong with my face last time this happened, which is that I am shooting Bad Thoughts, season two at the moment. And there's always a point when they go, hey, for this character, you can't have a beard. And it changes everything. They, them. So yeah, I'm beardless. You look great. It is starting to my, thanks. Every time I walk by a mirror, I go, oh, Jesus Christ. And I forget all day that you just forget. And then, yeah, then you're reminded. That's, that's fun. But, you know, people have been nice in person. I'm sure the internet will be different, but in person, people are nice. Yeah. Yeah. Can I, I'd like to plug my two standup dates while I have the audience enraptured with me. Please. April 24th and 25th, I'm going to be in Irving, Texas, which is really just another word for Dallas. And then Comedy Vox. Yes, it does. Comedy and Prayer. May 4th. Is that May 14th through 16th? Denver Comedy Week. And then I had to move my Chicago to September. Get your tickets now. ChristinaP.com. They're moving fast. It's really exciting. You guys are going to get to hear. Comedy Works is just the best, dude. And I'm happy for you. You're going, you're going back. You're back on the road, dude. Comedy Works. Yes, it does. Comedy and Prayer. Yeah, I'm happy for me, too, because I'm bored. It's time to go out and tell fart jokes to the public, you know. You all right? What happened? Yeah, I spilled. I didn't have a beard, so it just spilled all over me. I used to just let it sit in my beard, and then I'd lick my beard. But that time, it spilled. Do you feel the lack of smells around your mouth and nose now? Yes. Yeah. And this really, you know what this really makes me think about more? Is getting the hair around my asshole lasered off. Because all, every day, here's what happens every day. I take a shit, and it's like shitting on the top of your head. Imagine if you shit out of the top of your head, and then somebody gave you some tissue paper and was like, just clean it up. You wonder why I'm in the bathroom for 25 minutes? It's because I'm cleaning up the hair on the top of your head. Yeah, but then everybody's like, oh, Christina, why don't you lick Tom's butthole? Why don't you put your fingers in there? Well, maybe it's because of that. Fair point. So do you think you really will? I think you should. I want to do the laser. I want to laser. Around the hole. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what are you? You're almost 50. You've got 10 good years left of your life before you drop dead. I think you should do it. You should enjoy the last decade of your life, hairless and smooth and clean. I'm sorry, how much time is left? Well, you're a man. You guys die early. I'm 46. No, you're not. Yeah. You are? That's it? Okay, whatever. How's LA? Tell me about it. Well, I mean, all I know is what the set is like. I wake up at 4:30 on most days. Yeah. It's been so fun. Doing the show is fun. It's nonstop. Every day is like a new movie, basically, because it's a whole new story, obviously, a whole new script, usually a whole new character and a completely different look. And it's so much fun. I mean, I have so much fun doing it, but yeah, it's a lot of work and then usually you finish that and you're doing, you know, either costume fittings or casting sessions or producer sessions or edit sessions. It's just nonstop. But thank God, it's fun. You're a multi-hyphenate, you know what I'm saying? I'm a choreographer, you know, I make music videos, I'm dancing, I'm an artist, I'm a photographer, you know what I'm saying? I do real estate, trying to get a place to live. Yeah, I do it all, baby. Well, the boys are loving your costume changes you keep sending over every night. It's fun to send it to them. Did they like The Reptile Dealer? Did they like him? No, because they couldn't even listen to him because they were so enthralled with the one prior that you sent over. They're so into that one. So it's a whole thing. Well, that one is kind of the hit of the whole thing so far. Yeah, it's going to be its own thing. Yeah, I know people are into it. Yeah, other than that, I can't tell you much. I mean, I'm going to a rehearsal right now. Well, right after this. Oh, my God. Well, I've got, there's a lot going on in your home. You want to hear about it or you want to do the intro first? Sure, please. Which one? Yeah, tell me. Oh, yeah, let's do it. Let's do the beam down the opening. No, you should tell me this. Yeah, so just so you know. You should tell me. We had a hamster. Are you done? This house gives me a lot of allergies. Are you done? Anyway, we had. We had a hamster death finally in the house. I mean, everybody was like, hamsters don't live that long. I'm like, ours do forever. Yeah, what the fuck? I know. So, sweetie, sweetie, here's the truth of it. If you want to know what a horrible human being I am, and one day our kids are going to watch this, it'll be fine. So, sweetie just woke up kind of sickly, you know? Yeah. And then, you know, and then, and then, of course, I was like, should I take this thing to the vet? And I was like, no, they're just going to be like, yeah, it's dying. And then we spent $500. I spent two hours of my life to find out that this thing is dying. How does it, how does it wake up sickly? I don't understand. Hamster just doesn't move. It's still not eating, not doing its stupid hamster life. So, you know what I did? I hid the hamster in the basement, and then I faked sweetie's death. Wait a minute. No, we have a whole funeral. The hamster's not even dead yet. It's dying, but it's not dead yet. But I didn't want it to be actively dying and the kids being like, take it to the vet. Take it to the vet, take it to the, put it in the hospital. You know, you know, that's how they do it. So I faked her death. I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm learning about this in real time. So right now, the hamster that the children believe is dead is alive. It's actively dying in our basement, hidden away from them. What do you mean hidden? Where? In the basement. It's in a drawer? It's in a closet that they're, they don't go into. Yes. And it's dying. Is somebody checking on it? Yeah. But I can't kill it and you're not here. So you can't kill it. I can't give it a. I don't want to kill it. Well, it's going to die. It's on its last leg. What am I supposed to do? Can't you give it to, can't you give it to somebody that comes to the house and be like, Hey, can you take this out of here? See, that's why I need you at home. Cause I did not think that thought the Hungarian in me is like, just put it in a closet. Let it die. Like, remember that time? - Why don't you text? Yeah, yeah. Why don't you text somebody that's at the house or coming to the house and say, hey, can you do me a favor and take this out of the house? The dying hamster? Yeah, you know. Like hamster hospice? Exactly. I wanted to give Sweetie a nice death in her own cage is the thing. I wanted to just let her. Well, they can take the cage. I'm saying take everything out of the house. All right. Okay, but listen. And then they can. They can kill it. Yeah. No, they can either. No, no, no, no. They can adopt and or take care of the hamster moving forward. There are people that come to the house that would be willing to do that. I honestly just wanted to bang its head against the sidewalk. Okay. But isn't that what you're supposed to do when they're dying? You just hammer it and then you throw it in the fucking trash. That's what we do. I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll race you. I'm Ian Fidance. Hey, how are you? And each week I'm in different towns across the country doing stand-up comedy. And to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head, I get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian Du, an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fidance comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH. I got to run. Rip a fart too, bro. Let it loose. Toot, toot. I'll see you out there. How long have you been working here? Ian Du. Ian Du. Ian Du. This time of year is when wanting to eat better collides with lacking the time or energy to make it happen. That's where Factor comes in. Forget the meal prep and following recipes. All it takes is two minutes. We love having our Factor meals here. Everybody swears by them. Their taste, their nutrition, and they're so easy to make. They're just in the fridge. Pop them in the microwave and boom, that's it. Their meals are packed with lean proteins, healthy fats, nutrient vegetables, and whole food ingredients. All the stuff you'd make if you had the time without the refined sugar, artificial sweeteners, and refined seed oils. With Factor, the certified dieticians and chefs take care of the work for you. All you need is two minutes. Two minutes to heat, and then you're ready to eat. The Factor meal I'm always reaching for on days when my schedule slammed has been the Monterey Spinach Chicken. It is so good. Their meals are always fresh, never frozen, and ready in two minutes without the prep, cleanup, and mental load. Head to factormeals.com slash YMH50OFF and use code YMH50OFF to get 50% off and free breakfast for a year. Eat like a pro this month with Factor. New subscribers only. It varies by plan. One free breakfast item per box for one year while subscription is active. With spring right around the corner, it's time to tidy up and clean out your closet. A wardrobe that stands the test of time is made up of pieces that work together and hold up for decades, not just seasons. That's what Quince does best. Their pieces are all thoughtfully designed and crafted from premium materials that exude everyday essential energy. If you're looking for lighter jackets and sweaters to keep you warm when the weather is constantly changing or polos and button-ups for a work wardrobe revamp, Quince has you covered. I have two fantastic silk shirts from Quince. They are timeless, they're elegant, and I'm telling you, they look just as fabulous as designer expensive brands. It's quality clothing from factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. Quince only partners. With top factories and cuts out the middlemen, so you're not paying for label or brand markups. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Go to quince.com slash mom for free shipping on your orders and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. Oh, that's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash mom. Free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash mom. No, I'm serious. Because, like, okay, can I talk to you for a second? Real talk? Yeah, yeah. Because I was like, let's bury it. I mean, I was going to kill it, like, snap its neck and then just put it in the ground. But then someone said, they were like, yeah, but then animals are going to dig it up. And then you're going to re-traumatize your kids. Okay. Hit up Claude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And ask. She'll take it, and I know. So in the meantime, I had a tombstone, like, made for the hamster. It's in a heart and flowers. Oh, shit. I came home from school, and I was like, sweetie is no longer with us. And the weeping and the wailing. I mean, it was, like, really emotional for one of our boys. And then we're going to have a funeral on Saturday. Your mom and your sister are coming over, and we're going to give sweetie a proper send-off. Yeah. Oh, so in the meantime, so Ellis has been nagging for a chameleon. And I go, well, when one of the hammies die, you can get a chameleon. So guess what? You got a chameleon. It's so rad. Great. It's a panther chameleon. It's so, it changes colors, dude. It's so chill. Does he love it? It's got a creepy little, we're obsessed with this thing. And we don't neglect it nearly as much as we neglect the hamsters. So now we have one hamster, two cats, a chameleon. I think that's it for now. You should try to do maybe, like, a private gig for PETA next year. I think that would be a cool move. I think they would love to have you. God. All right, let's open the show. You know, my dad. I just want to tell this story real quick. My dad, when we had a possum die in our attic, it just died. And he glued the door shut to the attic and then let the animal rot in the middle of summer. Decompose in there? Decompose. Oh, my God. And it smelled so bad. And we didn't even have an AC in it. We just had a swamp cooler. Oh, my God. Didn't the smell bother him? The whole house reeked for the whole summer. Of course it did. It was disgusting. Flies, you could hear. He was like, I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. Yeah, that's how I feel about the fucking hamster, though. Now I get it. Now that's what I should have done to Sweetie. Fucking throw her in the basement and seal it up. Okay, let's change. Here we go. In here you go. Here you go. I need to pay attention. Why? It's my last one. Oh, farting. What the fuck is that that I just said? Nick, can you kill that? No. Oh, fuck my life. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. It's so good. What the fuck is that? Welcome. With Tom Segura. Mom Segura. And Christina Pazitzin. Christina Pazitzin. you and um it's so funny let's see i uh what's her name that is nicole curtis she was filming a show where she helps families who are overwhelmed with home renovations she'd be crane she became frustrated with the task uh once the video became public she was immediately pulled off the air and the show was canceled wrong move y'all you know i think i like nicole now i didn't like her i didn't know who she was and now i'm like all right nicole i'm listening i want to hear more right i mean if the whole show is her coming up with these creative racial slurs i feel like it could quadruple the ratings i will say i personally i mean i spent a lot of time growing up in florida i went to college in north carolina i heard a lot of variations i have never heard fart n-word and neither have i not once me neither yeah that is okay that was around rednecks and i've never heard that said any does she care yeah really cool does she get that's really cool does she get any sort of pass because of its creativity or are we straight i mean look she could say it she could say it if she wants i i think that she didn't want to say it so that's you know it's unfortunate for her she yeah well to be to be fair she can say it and then her show was canceled so yeah like yeah yeah you can say you just have to deal with the consequences and she she's gonna have to deal with the consequences and she's gonna have to deal with that's how it goes you know i mean we could put her on our fucking network right well we could but it's not the same as it being like an hg would that be the name of her podcast fart nicole yeah fart nicole is a great podcast name i hope at least at the very least i hope a rapper uses that oh my god in a song that would be the best part of all of this that would be a yeah of every song it's like yeah yeah that'd be pretty sick um also how much does the staff or whoever hate her that they leaked that oh yeah somebody fucking hates nicole nicole's a bitch that's a really good point but it seemed like that's a good point but it seemed like she she asked if they could kill like you know cut that and they said no so was that live or something no no that's that's from the raw oh camera footage but i thought it got canceled after that so it got leaked immediately after that no i'm just saying whenever this was recorded you know this was an in the raw footage somebody dug this up and leaked this footage an editor or a producer yeah they just someone done like nicole someone pissed someone off she must have said it a couple more times like there's there's been there's um accounts stories from people from the apprentice days that said that trump said it many times while filming the apprentice no way but yeah yeah yeah i wish somebody would leak those well that was that was a whole thing but apparently those are super locked down because that guy the the show creator he's a really famous guy he created he created that show and a bunch of others i think he's an australian guy he's a huge huge fan of his and has i think shut that possibility down but that was there was a lot of reports of that it was really there was talked about more in the 20s 2016 campaign dang yeah i wish we could get that well yeah well it's just how it goes sometimes you just go oops you know dag nab it sometimes you just use an expression play it again tom all right just a drop okay cool she she did start with she didn't know where she was gonna go i thought she was gonna say fuck oh that's what happened fart that's what happened yeah she was gonna say fuck nigga and then she changed the word but not the second word yeah that's her next her next expression was also showed tremendous self awareness because it was my life she knows you know she knows my life oh nicole you know let's see the other guy but i want to see the other guy's expression when he when she says it can we play the clip i don't think he does much he doesn't care he's like yeah well he's not he's actually not maybe nicole really drops it a lot you know and they're so used to her saying it because she says it right there see he's not even on camera um and then what the fuck is that that i just said you know like she knows that her life is what the fuck is that that i just said nick you gotta you gotta can you kill that you got it can you kill that what does he say what did he say no 35 minutes what the fuck is that that i just said nick you gotta you gotta can you kill that we've only got five minutes i'm not doing it oh something like we've only got five minutes i'm not doing it wow so nick doesn't like her nick is like fuck you well he's like we're rolling you we got we got a fucking we're making a show here fart on whatever you want we got to keep doing this yeah n word wow that's a good one to come out of you like that that just happened we are well into the new year and there's no better time to let go of your old stuff so you can get your shit together and that may just mean organizing the things that i've been piling up for as long as you can remember from bedding and furniture to storage and decor way fair has everything you need to elevate your space they make it easy to find low priced pieces that won't look like garbage you want to know what i just bought on wayfair um like these really ornate gothic victorian candelabra thingies they're so good it's so good the best part about wayfair is the ability to stock up on all you need for your space like gothic candelabras all from one place whether you're looking for kitchen essentials for easy meal prep or are finally ready to replace the bedspread that's hanging on by a thread wayfair has it all without the headache of having to go to multiple stores get organized refreshed and back on track this new year for way less head to wayfair.com right now to shop all things home that's w-a-y-f-a-i-r.com wayfair every style every home everyone knows someone who insists on doing things the hard way like the friend who's always broke but also paying for multiple subscriptions they forgot they had i've been there especially when it came to overpaying for wireless that was before switching to mint mobile we use mint mobile here in the office at ymh studios and it is absolutely fabulous the price is right stop paying way more than you should for wireless mint exists to eradicate paying luxury prices for average at best coverage it's the premium wireless that you expect unlimited talk text and data but at the same time it's the premium wireless that you expect unlimited talk at a fraction of the price ready to stop paying more than you have to new customers can make the switch today and for a limited time get unlimited premium wireless for just fifteen dollars per month switch now at mint mobile.com slash mom that's mint mobile.com slash mom upfront payment of forty five dollars for three months ninety dollars for six months or one hundred eighty dollars for twelve month plan required fifteen dollars per month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan term only over fifty gigabytes may slow when network is busy capable device required availability speed and coverage varies additional terms apply c mint mobile dot com tom how you know there's um my period yeah are you having your period right now yeah how about you yeah yeah but it's you know it's not heavy no tell me about your flow no it's just pretty light i don't know i guess i'm hormonally going through something yeah um are you using pads or tampons today tampon which size yeah medium which what kind of applicator it's called extreme how did you put it in i just spread it i spread them and i just shove it in there do you put one leg up on the toilet or oh no i put the tampon on the ground and i squat down on it and then i i do a lot of kegel stuff so i'm able to just it just feels like uh you know yeah that's did you grab that sweater from a shelter i know you're gonna hate it i every time i wear this you hate it it's my favorite homeless shelter sweater i love it and strings are everywhere and it gets caught on stuff i love it yeah i feel like kind of you know you want to know something there's a um i don't know if you saw that will arnett you know he's on he's the the actor yes he's also one of the hosts of the smart list podcast yes but it's a wildly popular podcast and will told two things he said they had a female guest on who asked after they recorded to not release the episode and they they said okay and i don't know who that is but then he said there was a huge comedian who came on and after 10 minutes they were like thanks a lot and they just ended it because the guy was such an asshole is it burt it's burt i knew it no god that would be so great if it was him so the person the male was such he's in the epstein files did you know that burt kreischer yeah i did know that yeah i did no i'm being for real yeah no i'm for real i i know you you okay any or niana you pull up the search you know how you can search the files yeah pull up the search and type in his name look i told you i told you he's in the files all right hold on now see i told you i knew it i fucking knew it yeah all right audience big comedy fan you guys know what to do it's been confirmed burt is in the epstein files take it upon yourself to run with that yeah yeah i thought it was really cool it's really funny it's um it's my screensaver on my phone tim can i do one thing with you i've been saving these for you all the guests that we've had since you've not been here i haven't touched any safety videos on purpose oh you want to see them because i of course enjoy them with you pacifically so much more yeah let's get into it great idea you ready here we go what's up larry uh prepared not paranoid let's get into it If you made the decision to get a firearm for self-defense and you want to start getting some training, the first place to start would be at a flat range. Learn how the firearm operates first. Learn the safeties, get your grip, get your stance, your sights, the universal four safety rules, and review them. Once you feel comfortable on the flat range, you should go to the next level, and that would be going to an outdoor range where there's a lot less around you. Where you have about 180 degrees. And for that, you're going to need a little bit more equipment. You're going to need a battle belt, where you'll have your holster and your magazine pouches. There, you can start working on malfunctions and reloads. Once you become proficient with the battle belt, then I would recommend training with how you plan on carrying the gun. So if you plan on carrying an appendix, start working from there. Then, start looking for specialty training. Things like moving in and around. So moving in and around the structure, low-light training, and in and around the vehicle. In and around the vehicle is also challenging, because to access your firearm, you are going to be flagging yourself. As you can see from this video, this was a class I had done last year of shooting in and around the vehicle. Take a look at that video. What's flagging yourself? Great. Yeah. You've got to learn to shoot around your car. I believe he's talking about the barrel's going to be pointed at yourself. If you draw from the, I call it the appendix position here. So if it's basically in your front waistline, when you draw the weapon, you're crossing over your body. Got it. So you have to be aware of that. He is talking about a pretty advanced level of gun training. Like most people are like, oh, you're interested in this. And having a weapon, getting a weapon, like, yeah, get some firearm safety training and go to a range. He took it from flat range to outdoor range to where you'll carry it and then getting in a vehicle and basically preparing for war. So, yeah, I mean, Larry always thinks 12 steps ahead, which is great. I mean, as a civilian, how can I find a program that will teach me car guns, car gun work, too? I think living in Texas, it's pretty accessible. I think you're going to have a real easy time. For sure. Real easy time. You know what? The boys will have so much fun doing this. You got to get our kids into car gun safety. You guys ready to go to a range where you get out of a car and shoot through the window? They'll be like, fuck yeah. How many people do you think actually go through this level of training? It's pretty. I don't think it's much. Yeah, it's not many. It's pretty severe. Not a lot of people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and we never went through this much. I know some real gun nuts, and I don't think they've done the car facing the targets thing. I don't think that's happened to them. Jesus Christ. But Larry is ready for anything at any time. Well, listen, I'm going to point out a flaw here in Larry's scenario. I mean, this is all good and well if you're in Afghanistan shooting car work things, but I need, like, the city. What about rolling up to a gas station? Clowns everywhere. That kind of scenario. This is, like, a rural scenario. That is true. I think for your training, though, you want to start rural before you get into city training. Yeah. So you want to start with less. So it's a good step one. But it's a really great point that you made. So one of the reasons in self-defense we like to talk about distancing and situational awareness is if you allow somebody to get really, really close to you, you never know what that person has on them and what they're capable of doing. So something like this could happen really fast. So always be aware of your distancing and what that person's body language is showing. Be well, be safe, be aware. That's an insane fucking video to put out. That is a crazy video. He was just like, you never know what could happen. And then he just stabs a fucking piece of wood where a person's eye would be. And he goes, just be aware of what could happen. And, like, also, I'm going to venture to guess that if some fool stabs you, you guys are drunk. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're drunk, you're out, it's late Friday night, and some fool's got, like, a knife in his pocket. And then he's like, drunk people do that stuff. Like, come on, bro. Well, most of these videos, yeah, could just be like, hey, don't stay out too late, don't go to bad neighborhoods, take care. That could be 95% of his videos. Yeah. Yeah, you're not going to guess. I would love a camera, a video, I would love a video that just follows Larry and just shows him how he operates in the world. Because I bet his head is on a swivel just 24-7. I bet he is just so ready. And I wonder how many weapons are on him at most times. His adrenal glands are shot. The guy is one live wire of a nervous system. Dude, he pulled that thing out and was ready to go. Look at this. And what they're capable of doing. So something like this. Damn. Something like that could easily happen. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Well, he just stabbed a guy in the eye. Yeah, he sure did. Pretty high stabbing, too. Because I would do an underhand shiv, wouldn't you? Like that. It's really tough to hit the eyeball. Yeah, that's. You're probably, most people are going to miss. Yeah. Yeah. Like, if you've stabbed people, do you go overhand or do you go under? Quick, just a quick shiv and then out. I mean, yeah. For the gut, it's good to go under. Yeah, quick. Yeah. You don't want to get caught. You don't have time to put the knife. But they say that if you can hold the knife like this with the blade facing outward here, you know, you can do one of these motions. This is a really good motion. Because you can cut somebody this way and come back and stab them. You know what I mean? I know what you mean. I know what you're saying. You can slice them and then stab. Slice them and dice them. Yeah. I got you. Maybe because as a woman. Practice. Slice, stab, see. Stab, slice. You got it? But that. I agree with you, yes, as a man. But as a woman, I have to be sneaky. I have to apply stealth. You understand? Got it. But you could grab my arm, bro, and now you're stopping the stabbing. I got to go quick. Yeah. Just quick like that and then I'm gone, dude. I'm gone like a fucking hamster in the night, bro. You didn't even see my shit. Like a dead hamster in the yard. It's still one of the most. I want to put it in a fucking bag and just beat it against the sidewalk until it's dead. I hate these fucking hamsters. It's the biggest regret is that I bought fucking dumb ass hamsters. Could you send that text, please, to have somebody remove? Yeah. Don't get a hamster. I want you to think about your home security for a second. When we're looking at home security, I want you to think of it in layers. Layers. The first layer is going to be. It's going to be your primary outer ring, which is going to be things like your neighborhood, what's going on on the streets, and so forth. The secondary outer ring will be your perimeter, and those will be things like your fences, your property line, any type of tree or foliage that you might have. The next, the middle ring, will be your doors, windows, garages. And then the final ring will be the interior ring, and that's if somebody gets inside. Do you have a safe area, a safe room? A secure room. Those type of things. First thing I want to discuss is going to be the outermost ring. And that's where you're going to use something called open source intelligence, things like crime mapping, police blogs, next door. and any other app that could give you information on local crime. How exhausting would it be to have Larry as a neighbor? Like, just as a neighbor. Can you imagine the amount of posts he would send to the group? Like, to the neighborhood group? Oh, the Nextdoor app guy? There's always one neighbor that is on Nextdoor all the time. It's Larry. Larry's posting nonstop on there. I noticed the guy putting his trash cans out at 4 a.m. Who's doing that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would be, like, he would be so on top of, like, you know, work's supposed to start at 7 a.m. in the neighborhood. I noticed somebody pulled up at 6.58. I sent a message to the construction company, get one more time, and, you know, we're going to sue them. Is that your kid, by the way? I saw a kid going for a walk. I've never seen this kid before. I interrogated him. He's in my garage. He's in my garage right now, but I'll let him go if you can confirm that's your kid. Also, too, a lot of Amazon packages that he'll put inside your property line for you. I noticed these were outside. I brought them in for you. You're like, you don't need to do that. Don't touch my stuff. And then probably, no offense, but probably some pretty thinly veiled racism, too, I'm guessing. You think so? Yeah. Yeah. I think so. He's, like, just putting everybody on alert that I saw. I saw some clowns walking around yesterday, not sure who they were or why they're here. And everyone's like, oh, that's my family, actually. And he's like, oh, okay, just making sure. Can you confirm their IDs for me? Yeah. I'm sure there's a lot of that. A lot. I'm in your area. Now, the one that's really important to pay attention to is something called Watchdog. Watchdog lists all sexual predators and where they live. Great. And that's a map that, if you open up. Might be very, very shocking who lives very close to you. You have children. You're going to really want to pay attention to who's in your neighborhood. Make sure what these people look like and where they are. Be well, be safe, and be aware of what's going on in your neighborhood to keep you and your family safer. Yeah. Well, that should be a fun one. That's a good one. Well, I tell you, I like to look on the Megan's Law website. Put your address in there. Make sure no creepers are living near where you live. Family Watchdog. Family Watchdog. Yeah. He really got excited by being able to have graphics and sounds. You could tell. He was like, you know what? Go ahead and add six of those. We're stepping up production over here. The chime was too much. It was too loud. But I think a lot of people should check out Family Watchdog. That could be a fun thing if you're winding down from the week and you want to just have a real cool learning experience to what your neighborhood's like. Because go to Family Watchdog and see who your neighbors are. I love that stuff. I bet it will be kind of alarming. You know what I remember? I love it. We lived in the Rampart Division. Yeah. There was that website then, and it was like Christmas tree. It was like, choo-choo. And it was all the predators in the area. So many. Oh, yeah. You put in your address when you live in a shady neighborhood, and it's all lit up. Oh, my God. You'll just see these little squares. Yeah, like that. And Tom and I would play this fun game where we'd guess the person's offenses. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was based on their mugshot. Most of the time, it was lewd and lascivious acts with a minor. I tell you, a lot of these, because I do love these crime maps, a lot of it is aggravated assault, which happens on late Friday night. Like I said, drunk people, robberies from cars in Austin, a lot of that. Okay, click on one. Let's go see some mugshots. There's some domestics, too. Ooh. Hold on, hold on. Look at him. I think this guy, I think burglary. What do you think? That's not burglary face. No. He's 47, babe. That's your age. Yeah, that's indecency with a child, decent exposure, yeah. Wow. Yep. Damn. That's so good. Damn, Joe. Is this near us? Is this our- Very. Oh, great. Shit. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, Austin. All right, click on a different color. There's going to be people, by the way. Oof, yeah. There are people. There are going to be people that use this site that are going to find next-door neighbors. Oh, for sure. Oh, computer solicitation of an A to solicitation of a minor. And he's smiling in his mugshot, which is kind of rare. Don't really see that on the show a lot. That's like, you know how it goes. She said she was 18. Sometimes it just happens. Yeah. Good night, Irene. Oh, Chuck. Hmm. Oh, Chuck. Yep. All right. Well, you guys can have fun with your own neighborhood search. And thank you, Larry, for that great pointer. Family watchdog. Family watchdog, man. Here, let's have a giggle. That was so depressing. God damn, yeah. Uh-oh, I know where this is going. A little Margot Tenenbaum. Ooh. Ah! Stop. Ah! Whoa! That was great. That was rough, man. Yeah. This soundbite says foreign pain. Those are some foreign sandals, for sure. Those were, yeah, those are definitely foreign sandals. And those were foreign screams. Those were appropriately labeled. Yeah. Fart's gross. I'll get right there. Okay, little. Holy shit. Farty, fuck, yeah. Fart, N-word, that was rough. Yeah. She didn't say fart, N-word, and she fell through the floor. I know, that's crazy. Well, she wasn't as frustrated. She was just, you know, hurt. Dude, she fell through the floor, bro. That was crazy. Yeah. That's like my worst fear. I'm always afraid of that. She was kind of, she knows her way around, you know, like an addict. You can tell the way, she knew, and for her to not even consider that her big ass might go through that ceiling is kind of crazy. I know, and like the clip set it up. Because she was not, she wasn't like daintily kind of like, I don't know. She was like, yeah, I'm just working, like, that's crazy. Let's see. Let's see again, because they did highlight how fat her ass was before she got in there. Oh, yeah. Hold it right there. Hold it right there. See, she knows that she's like. Yeah. She knows what she's doing. She knows she's heavy. She's wearing like. Marty, fuck. Yeah. She's wearing house slippers, too. Like, not even proper footwear. Damn, dude. That bitch. Yeah, that's, that fucking sucked. She messed up, dude. You ready for this one? Stupid. Yeah. You can see on this wall how one of your studs are not flush. What I like to do is take my hammer. And then stomp it down. So, it's perfect. You can grab your nail gun. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah. Saw that one coming. He's in pain. That's real. Yeah, that is. That was real panic. But you think that the cowboy boot would stop the nail. Like, that's why you wear them. But. Well, it did sort of stop the nail. Yeah, a little bit. Damn, dude. It stopped it from going all the way through. Yeah. Oh. Oh, shit. Oh, man. Fuck. Fuck. Yeah, that sucks. That kind of sucked, bro. Yeah, that sucked. Suck. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, no. This is gonna. Oh, shit. He is out. He landed on his fucking face and head. He fractured his skull and fractured his eyesight. Holy fuck. Oh, this dude is one of the best street skaters of all time. No. Who is it? Holy. Nyan. Nyan Huston, I think is his name. Holy fuck. Please Google. Make sure he's still okay. He's alive. It says he's making a recovery. Holy. Fuck. He landed on his face. Yeah, you could hear it. You could hear it was like, like on his head. Holy shit. Fuck. Man. This show just finds the best stuff. God damn. Yeah. What you're going through right now is what a lot of viewers are experiencing. Well, I have such a love in my heart for skateboarders. I, you know, it's for the love of the game. These folks. Please tell me he's got money. There he is. He can pay his bills and stuff. A harsh reminder of how death-defying skating massive rails can be. Fractured skull, fractured eye socket. What else does it say? Taking it one day at a time. God damn, dude. Kid. Kid. Well, he's holding trophies and stuff. I'm glad he's getting better. Yeah, shit. Okay. Oh, fuck, dude. Fuck. Bro. It's gotta be hard to be. It's just for having fun. Yeah, this kid's parent. Can you imagine? You fucking see this video. It's your baby. Oh, my God. I don't think I can do it. I gotta pee, babe. I gotta pee. I can't. Oh, you know, it should be worth pointing out. You know the fallow fill guy, the guy that came in with the dick injections? of course there's a documentary coming out it's going to be dropping at south by southwest in austin so no definitely a doc worth checking out a doc and a dick a doc about a doc dick that's going to be at south by so and he credits hopefully you guys he credits us for getting the documentary he's like after i appeared on your mom's house they approached me about doing this documentary so yeah i remember that after he came to do the podcast um it was mentioned so many times that guy reached out and all these people hit me up and then that guy and his team came to a show that i was on tour at that time and they were like they're like our phones you know rang off the hook it like it really created a lot of of business over there so very exciting that's awesome the documentary is very informative and i hope you guys will check it out that was a lot of fun having him on i'm sure um if you haven't seen that episode it was really fun maybe they can put it in the the show description so you guys can check it out and uh maybe you can get a injection in your penis yep that's a great idea why not thanks bro yeah why not you mentioned that you're into gay stuff male gay stuff and a lot of people i noticed after you said that pointed out have you seen heated rivalry the gay hockey show that's out um because everybody wants you to watch it now i know and i do too it's just that i haven't had a enough to give it a full viewing like i can't even watch bridgerton with my boys around because it's too horny so yeah give me a minute on that but i fully i will i will i think the the fans want you to watch this gay hockey show all right well let me make a note of it maybe i can you know get away wind down and watch it or something yeah yeah okay um i'm on it so um we haven't seen this in a while but um he has really taken off on a lot of social platforms and the audience has expanded for a fancy chef and people have pointed out that he's doing he's just expanding he's not just cooking for millionaires and billionaires he's doing restaurant reviews and food reviews and just getting himself involved in so many things um i have not seen this but i've been told that it's an incredible review and so i thought we could watch that for a moment mm-hmm caliente caliente caliente caliente caliente caliente okay looks like he's uh the guy looks like he's in a new york pizza place i'm gonna do a review for the pizza i'm gonna do a review for him he's telling him imma do a pizza review i'm gonna do a pizza review cool man that's cool let's see he recorded that oh he's sitting on the yeah right there all right let me see i'm gonna let you know right now though i am gonna tell the truth i ain't gonna lie i'm gonna tell the truth if it's nasty where the garbage at you know what i think no me ain't taking nothing that's going in the garbage if this is nasty this is going straight in the garbage basura let me see hold on first of all why is this going in half is it that good the bread the bread is because that's hero bro you're supposed to close yeah oh shit supposed to close it what am i thinking about of course it's good okay so that's not pizza oh good review fancy that's a good fancy sound you passed oh he passed the review and the guy still holds the tray for him like he's royalty or something he's gonna pay me to get that award yo what is this i ain't acting to pop hold on hold on hold on that is a massive that is different than that holy shit let's see hey guys you want to eat my pizza paper off of it all right you ready ready one two he's wow another great review do you think that guy holding the tray believes that this is a like a legit chef in front of him the guy's sitting on the pony no yeah do you think because he's kind of like i guess i'm holding this for this guy because he's nice it's real yeah it's real when you do that you want to do that when the cheese ain't coming it's real cheese ain't coming off it's good you're good yeah wrap it up i don't like when he goes i don't like that here he is uh he's still cooking too by the way he's still preparing food for people not too much arugula just a little bit do it again do it again you're missing the whole thing just a little stop you're missing the whole bread no no no you're missing it you're missing the whole bread the bread the bread over here over here not oh okay okay okay stop filming all right good lovely and beautiful holy just a little bit really is blind as yeah he's so blind yeah put it over here it's on the bread he can't see that guy's like the are you doing you're not even putting it on the bread holy oh i pulled this for you because i knew you'd like this i hate when a female try to suck all that white stuff out of my wiener like that's my white stuff give it back greedy you know it's really miss you here tom it's been really rough not having you co-host with me so glad you're back ah i thought you'd like that you don't like that no because he he hates when i got it i got it and then the punch line is that he drinks his fake cum yeah i got it it's his stuff all right i thought you'd like can we do some tick-tocks i mean do you have any talks yeah you got some talks asm beaver has some asmr food it's not a beaver it's not a beaver he's a little girl oh this one's for you i got this for you there we go come on okay all right so tan i'm just seeing a room here i was trying to explain to you that was a spiritual cleansing he wasn't even pushing that hard on her he was exercising her emotional demons you understand what i'm saying it was a spiritual cleansing he wasn't even pushing that hard on her he was exercising her emotional demons you understand great yeah i got it jesus me on an adults only cruise what are your questions don't you hate it when they call it play we're gonna play like play room this is when we do our by the way like oh she is strikingly attractive for the people you usually see in this realm because they're usually a bunch of dogs yeah like some real bottom feeders are in the play world yeah she's she is what they call a honeypot when they attract you in like she's the maybe she's the bait and then maybe she works for like the company that puts on the thing and she's like hey everyone's like all right we'll go to this and then she's like good to see you and just dips out the back door got fun bye and it's our play room we play it's like when you have children and you use that word for what they do it's like what a play don't play like ugh this is the adult play crew it's so gross it's gross here's some more stuff for you to get into cupping stretching i've never seen this level of cupping and stretching it's so intense i'd be so annoyed and pissed i've had like maybe six or eight of these on me before never like this that's too many cups jesus christ because the cups are popping off when you stretch the body that much dummy horrifying you do one or the other i wish aftercare was spoken in two more both for tops and bottoms after something as intense as rope it's always encouraged to look after and check in with those you tie with for me my rope partners are given water snacks cuddles lots of affirmation and a simple massage and stretching to help them realign their bodies after a sequence aftercare depends on each individual but it shouldn't be taken lightly or brushed aside after all you two or two individuals are who chose to have a vulnerable moment with each other and deserve to ground yourselves after something so heightened? Yeah. I finished all my water. This one's for you. This is the cool video I found for you. You found something cool for me, I found something cool for you. Well, there's a whole lane of hot granny talk now. They're just out. And it's about time. How do you guys in the booth feel about that? Are you guys into that? It's hot. Do you like that? Yeah, it was hot. Cougar too? Oh, yeah. I fuck with that one. See? Niana, you like that? No, I'm good. I have a friend who's into older women like that. Yeah? Yeah. You do? Wow, you got to tell me these. I got two names I need to get from you now at the end of this pod. He's like, oh, yeah. He's like, yeah, you know, I find them attractive. And I'm like, yeah, you're talking about like, you know, someone older than you. He's like, yeah, I'm 70. I'm like, wait, what? Yes. You find a 70-year-old attractive? Well, Luis J. Gomez on this show was like, he's had sex with 70, 80-year-olds. Wasn't it him, right? 70? Uh-huh. He's like, I like to make them feel good. You know, he's all Puerto Rican about it. He's like, oh. Jesus Christ. I know. And hey, I'm doing Skank Fest. Somehow it's not shocking. Hey, I'm doing Skank Fest. What? Really? You did your gay porno thing. What? Yeah. He convinced me. Well, he described it. It sounds like so much fun. And honestly, I had such a good time with Luis. I was like, you know what? If it's as fun as he is and his whole vibe, I'm down. So I booked a couple nights at Skank Fest. I'll see you there, you guys. That's great. Where is it this year? Is it Vegas? Vegas, babe. No, it's not. It's, where did he say he? Oh, New Orleans, which I've never been to. So I'm excited to check it out. You've never been in New Orleans? Isn't that crazy? You know me, though. I love my drinks, the silly long drinks and the plastic tubes. You love it. And you can wear the fucking thing around your neck so that you don't have to carry it. And your hands are free. And you can just go like this. And you can just keep talking. Yeah. It's great. And I can show people my new tits and get beads and stuff. That's why I'm going to show off. It's an open container city, too. Perfect. You can drink anywhere. Yep. Yeah. There you go. Jazz, beignets. Booze. Booze. He doesn't love it. It's fucking awesome. Yeah. Good for you. Yeah. When is it? When is the fest? Novembre. Novembre. Sounds great. Yeah, I'm doing it. Here we go. November 13th through 15th. Perfect. All right, here we go. It should be fun. Oh. This is what I was going to show you. So, see that star that's on her upper lip? Yeah. Those are for your cold. You can cover your cold sores. You can cover your cold sore now with those stickers. Sounds like, it looks like she wants another one because she's, it's not really slowing her down. Yeah. Who would you fuck first? Her or the older lady? Oh, the older lady. I don't want more cold sores. Don't you think? Yeah, but what if this cold sore went away? Oh, let me think. Wait, can I see the other lady real quick? Let me just get a visual. Sure. Here's the thing though. I don't really like white lady flavor. No. I'm going to go with the. I'm going to go with the, her. I like, I need flavor. That's what I was, yeah, like, white people kind of freak me out. Like, white, white. Yeah, no, she's fun, dude. She's fun. She puts up a teal on your shit. Yeah, dude, she's fun. It's a little Cholula on your painter. I decided to put some tree sap in my oethium. I wanted to see if I built up a tolerance to it. I absolutely did not. This time it hurt worse than ever. That's a great video. That's a hell of a find. I don't know if you can get any better than that. You're welcome. Look, I've been doing this vigilantly in my free time. That's why I don't have time to watch the gay hockey show. I'm curating TikToks all day. Actually, if something like this gets to us, I'd rather you be digging through your phone finding this than watching the gay hockey show. That was amazing. Oh, okay. I decided to put tree sap in my urethra to see if I built up a tolerance to it. Turns out, I did not. That's really great. That's great. All right. We got to wrap it up, Gene. I got to go. I can't. I got rehearsal. Okay. Go rehearse then. Go dance. Have fun, Gene. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching, everybody. Thank you to the booth for making this happen. You got it, fart nigga. Gene. All worth it just for that. Thank you so much for saying it, Annie. Thank you. Please give me that drop as well. And. All right. Bye, guys. We love you. That's it, Gene. All right. Bye. Bye, guys. We love you. Meow. Welcome to Maccabee's Medical Monday. Today, it's all about this. The cucumber, or as they call it in Jamaica, Cucumba. Cucumba. Vitamin, mineral, very good. Very high number. Silica, here and there, it gets longer. All the vitamins make your boredom stronger. Anti-wrinkle make you look younger. 95% water. Kidney cleanser, great hydrator. Detox fiber, good regulator. Your body good things, don't be a traitor. Eat the cucumber, cut it in a slice. Put it in a jug of water overnight. You know what you get for a fraction of the price. Energy drink full of electrolytes. Roaring salad is one of the use. As a base for your vegetable juice. Another surprise for a slice. And you know what you get for a slice. rise, take away the diabetes, revitalize, oh yes, one thing I have left, Cucumba can also help with body rest. Cucumba. You're very handsome. You're my fresh lad, Pete. Cucumba. Whoa, thank you. What's going on? Cucumba. What's going on? I've been having, uh, Cucumba. Cucumber. Where? He ate cucumber. Yeah. I eat cucumbers and then it makes me look better. At ZocDoc, we know you care about your health. You wouldn't do that early morning cardio if you didn't. So the fact that your annual physical is overdue just shows how hard it can be to get seen by a doctor. Sorry, that doctor's not in network. Press one for more options. You've reached us outside normal business hours. The next availability is in three months. But ZocDoc makes finding the right doctor easy. Download the app and search by specialty, insurance, and availability. Read real patient reviews, then book instantly. ZocDoc. Ready to be seen?