REALITY CHECK: why you still don't have the love you want

[Music] You are lying in bed at 2 a.m. reading back a conversation, trying to find the hidden meaning in a message from someone who has already shown you exactly who they are 17 times already. Oh, you're six months into something with no label, no direction, no clarity, and yet you're still going with the flood. Or maybe you're completely single. You've gone in yourself, love journey, you are doing everything right on paper, you know exactly what you want, and you still can't figure out why you've not found the person for you yet. Is there something wrong with you? Absolutely not. But there is something working against you and most people don't know what it is. You just have to know the real steps in the real work that's going to get you the real change in the person you're looking for, and this is how you do it. [Music] This reality check has been a long time coming. I've had the idea for this video for years, and I've never quite gotten around to it because I don't like to make a whole of videos about men, about dating, and about relationships, because my whole thing is self-obsession, self-love, focusing on yourself. However, I have found myself increasingly telling these tips and pieces of advice and stories to people in my life and them actually benefiting from it, and I've realized, why have I not said this online yet? Because I'm basically saying all the things I did in my own journey to find the absolute man and relationship of my dreams that I am now nearly officially four years into everyone needs this reality check. Bokalab, because this is about to be your harshest reality check ever. We have to start with the fact that you don't have your dream relationship yet, because you don't actually believe deep down subconsciously that you can have it. So many people block what they want, even when they know exactly what they want, even when they're trying to manifest it, and I know this because this was the exact space that I was in. You can know exactly what you want. You can have written a list of your standards. You can be actively manifesting you all the time. You could even describe your dream soulmate to your friends in specific detail, but none of those manifestations and none of those methods are going to work. If you still have a deep rooted belief that this is still to be earned, that this is still a journey to go on, that this is still something you have to chase and wait for. I think the difference really lies in, yes, you might be able to talk about the person that you want, but can you actually visualize them? And when I'm talking about this, I mean, have you made space for this person to enter your life? Can you visualize yourself being with this person on a day-to-day basis, whether it be eventually moving it together, whether it be going on weekly date nights? Even down to the detail of, have you stopped entertaining people in your DMs yet? Because if you haven't, how are you supposed to visualize yourself committing to one person and being in a successful, healthy relationship? If your current lifestyle doesn't even align with that? And if your journey is anything like mine, you might be subconsciously blocking this soulmate from entering your life. If you feel like you're not quite ready, you still need to heal. There are so many parts of you that need to be fixed. You feel insecure, not beautiful, not worthy of love, not ready to be vulnerable in all parts of yourself with somebody else. Maybe you still have trust issues from a past-situationship or relationship, and for that reason, you are blocking this new love from coming in because you don't want to face those traumas. You don't want to face those things that you have to work through. And so then, what happens is you are out here asking for this soulmate and telling everybody these are your standards and what you want. But in reality, you are holding that person at arm's length because there is a little part of you that is scared and not quite ready. And you're not even doing the work to overcome that hurdle. And that is exactly why on this journey of getting ready for your dream relationship or just manifesting anything in general, while you can be doing the conscious work of manifesting and writing lists and visualising and vision boarding, that's all great and that does work. But only when it's put hand in hand with this subconscious work. Because when it comes to manifesting, the universe is so psychological. So it doesn't even matter what you're writing down and what you're saying outwardly. If that's not matching what you believe on the inside. If psychologically and subconsciously, you believe that there are other women that are more attractive, there are other women that are more deserving, there are other women that are further along on the journey, and the other men would want more than you. That order gets fulfilled by the universe. All the universe's hearing is yes, okay, if that's what you believe, if that's what you were saying, I'll just keep following that. So my very first point in this reality check is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself is to understand that you are worthy of the love you desire right now without having to look perfect or lose weight or be a certain type of woman that in your head you think only they can have the ring, only they can have the marriage. Instead it's about doing the identity work and understanding I am an amazing person. Somebody would be even lucky to have me because you are so hyper aware of everything you bring to the table, whether it be your personality, your humour, your energy, how you can influence other people, the good influence you are. You bring so much to the table and that's what you should be visualising, but this whole time you've been visualising, what do I do if I get hurt and how can I protect myself from that, which is just something your brain is going to do naturally anyway because it's constantly scanning for dangers and it wants to protect you from that, but because you are letting that run wild and you are not intercepting and interrupting it with a positive visualisation, that's why you keep pushing away your real desire and then you have to be able to visualise you at your most vulnerable, at your lowest, on a basic day of you sitting at home, couch rotting and still being worthy of that love and of that relationship. You will be way more likely of attracting your dream person and your dream relationship by first believing that you were allowed to have it without needing to be perfect first. This links into my next point, which is a fact that you are keeping the door shut and you don't even know it. And I have to say right now I got to call out those of you who are watching who have some sort of situation that you have not fully caught off yet. If you are still entertaining the people in your DMs, still talking here and there to your old situation who you know is not husband material. If you are still on the abs liking pictures of people who you know you don't actually want and don't actually align with what you see for yourself, you are keeping the door of your soulmate shut because you cannot demand to have a certain list of qualities or a certain type of soulmate while still entertaining the opposite. It quite literally does not make sense. It's the equivalent of somebody saying I really want to be financially free and I want to start my business and they're not setting up their website, they're not doing the research, they're not reading the books, they're still staying stuck in their nine to five and not reducing their hours so that they can actually make the space to start the business and therefore they don't get any ideas, they don't get any orders because they haven't adopted the identity of a business person and they are not showing up with the habits that a business person would have to have that lifestyle and to have that stream of income that they want. In other words, you can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. The harshest thing I can say to you is that you are still making a choice. Every single day you entertain somebody who you know is good enough but not quite that up with your standards, you are making a choice to push what you could be worthy of and what your highest potential is further and further and further away. Your actions are doing that, nobody else, okay? It's not your situation ships fault even that they're mistreating you. That's not good but they don't owe you anything, they're living their life the way that they want to and that's going to get them their results. You have the power to walk away, you have the power to block them, you have the power to cut them off and yet you're not doing any of that. And really this links into my first point which is the fact that you still don't believe you can get the true love because if you did you wouldn't be entertaining these effing losers but those losers they feel safe and they feel familiar and if you put yourself in the vulnerable position of I am going to completely remove this person who's giving me a little bit of attention then you're in the scary situation of what if I get rid of them and then nobody likes me, what if I end up with nobody, what if I'm lonely for a really long time but none of those thoughts should be circulating in your mind because your self concept and your confidence should be so effing high you should be so hyper aware of what you bring to the table, why would those be the first thoughts of what could happen to you in your head? No, it should be the second that I close that door, that low value bare minimum door, the universe is just going to reward me and even if it does take a while to find my relationship, everything is serving me, I'm going to be put on an amazing journey of discovering myself building a better relationship with myself, building at my life, my career, my friendships, my hobbies, every single area of my life that by the time the person does come I'm going to be an even better version of myself, literally there's no way that I can lose, that is the way that you need to see yourself in this situation and it is the women with those kind of mindsets that find people that are actually good for them. It can be difficult and it might require shadow work and journaling in a work, going back through your traumas, your limiting beliefs, yourself doubts for some people maybe even therapy, there's nothing wrong with that, if really you look at the situation and you realize the reason I keep entertaining people that are bad for me is because those people and the way that they treat me validates my subconscious belief that I have to prove myself, that I have to chase validation, that I have to chase somebody else in order to be loved, I have to show up and constantly text them and fight for a relationship and fight for myself to be seen and to be chosen, if that's the way that you were raised, if that's the experiences you had growing up, of course you're going to keep seeking it out over and over and over again, that's not your fault, that's the way that you were wired, that's the you know the lessons and the experiences you've had to live through, but the best, most self-loving, self-respecting favour you can do for yourself now is to first acknowledge that that might be your truth and to start doing the work to undo it. And the biggest, bestest, most transformative thing you can do for yourself is to understand firstly, that is what's happening, so many people are so delulu to the point where they don't even understand that's how they're treating their reality and then years go by without them being able to fix it, the first step is acknowledging that's where I'm at. And let me hold your hand when I say this, okay, when I say you need to shut that door, I don't even just mean stop talking to them because maybe you have, I mean unfollow them, I mean stop looking at their stories, you need to cut that chord, you cannot be consuming their content, you cannot be checking up on them, you need to have a life where they literally don't exist anymore, you have no idea what they're up to, you don't hang around with them, you tools who talk about them, you don't know what their life updates are, you don't know where they are, to the point where eventually you forget their name. That is the goal, okay? But the longer that you're like, oh, we're not talking, but like we're friendly, so I'm gonna keep them on my Instagram. The longer you are keeping that connection, which is gonna prevent the new connection that you actually deserve from coming into your life. Every time you feel the urge to stalk his Instagram, I want you to envision the fact that that is quite literally the equivalent of you being in a doorframe. And if you walk through the doorframe, you go to the other side of your life with your highest potential and your soul mate waiting on the other side. And if you go this way, back through the door into the room that you were just in, you go back to the person that mistreats you, right? You go back to everything you've always had that you know you don't want, which is why you keep dreaming bigger. And you are standing in this doorframe, okay? And your foot is still in it. Your foot is there blocking the door from being shut so that you can finally move on to the better reality. That is exactly what is happening every time you talk to them, text them, read their messages, ask about where they are or what they're doing or find out information about them from other people. In vision that foot, in that door, blocking a better reality that you could have. And every single day that goes by where you miss them and you have cut them off successfully, remember that door is shut, do not reopen it. Do not reopen it because every time you reopen it, you are undoing all the hard work that got you to this point. Nobody ever said the journey was gonna be easy, okay? Trust me, I went through it. I went through months of wanting to text X's and chase mail validation and get that attention. It's normal, it's human, we all go through it. But you will get what you want in the end as a result of that hard work. So much of this reality check so far, I have mentioned self-concept and confidence and self-love. That is a huge, huge, huge part of this journey and that is why in so many of my past videos, I've said the best way for you to find the high, vibe, aligned group of friendships, the healthy dating experiences is for you to go on a self-love journey, is for you to cut people off and not date and not flirt, but instead just enjoy your singlehood for a whole year because that's what I did. So many people are doing that. However, I fear that a lot of people are getting very swept up in the surface level fun things that come with self-love. For example, giving yourself the love languages, taking yourself on solid dates, two very valid things. However, those are the fun parts of the journey. They are not the hard parts of inner work and healing that is actually required for you to make the most progress. And I talk about this in my ultimate guide to self-love book, by yourself that I've allowed. This is split into three sections, this book for a reason. The first section of the book is understanding which takes you through everything you need to know about self-love and what it really means. The second part of the book is healing. You have to do so much healing and inner work for you to make progress. And then the third part is about the lifestyle of self-love once you've done that work. So definitely check it out. But if you don't want to, if you're not into reading, I have these other self-love videos that you should definitely watch if you can relate to this part of the video and you know you have a long way to go with it still. Self-love does so many things. It can make you confident in yourself. It can help you build a trusting, better relationship with yourself and help you show what better in your day-to-day life. But it can also have a huge impact on the kind of romantic relationship you're going to have. It will literally change your attachment style. It will magically change yourself concept to the point where you don't even attract the same type of people you used to and you will just be like flabbergasted at it. This inner kind of self-love work is the type that will make you understand your attachment style. It will require you to look at your earliest experiences of love and actually question what were your traumas? What were the type of love that you received? And how is that still showing up in your 20s and in the love that you're trying to seek? Are you still trying to seek out relationships that feel familiar to the chaos and toxic patterns that you might have experienced growing up? Is your nervous system just seeking out the familiarity of uncertainty, inconsistency, and needing to earn affection because you don't feel like you can naturally attract it? It is such a hard pill to swallow for those of you who don't know me. I was in quite a few back to back relationships. All of them were toxic in their own unique ways. But I was the one that chose to stay in them. I was the one that chose those people because they mirrored the damaged self-esteem and self-worth that I had. And it was only once I became my most confident, bad bitch demanding boundary setting version of myself that I found the kindest, most generous, most loving man. And it's so interesting because most people will tell you the nicer that you are, the more of a people please you are, you will find a man that really likes you. It is quite literally the opposite. When I was at my highest as a people pleaser and I had no standards whatsoever, that is when I was in the most dangerous relationship of my life, which is when I was with a narcissist, because narcissists and people pleases they go together, they're obsessively assured that that's what works. So if you don't have the confidence, if you don't set the boundaries, if you don't have to know your worth and you stand on that and you want to are afraid of cutting people off, then you are quite literally putting yourself in a position to attract people that are gonna be so effing bad for you. But when you work on your mindset, when you consume content and read books about healthy relationships, when you work on healing your attachment style, which is what I did, one book that's really good for this is called Attached by Dr. Emé Le Vien. This is life changing, I haven't given it so many of my friends. When you can learn to be consistent and show up on a year of being single, that is quite literally when you are gonna match the person and the frequency of a healthy relationship because you will finally be the type of person that can handle it and that can give it and receive it. This of course links into self-concept and I think the easiest way to reinvent yourself concept and to make it even better and more solid is to remember that every single action and decision you make reinforces the self-concept you have. So if you are constantly people pleasing, not being able to say no, always putting yourself last, you are reinforcing the identity and the self-concept that you are not worthy of being prioritized, you are not worthy of being listened to. On the other hand, when you plan an amazing high vibrational morning routine and you show up for that every single day and you're consistent with it, you are reinforcing the identity and the self-concept that I am somebody who is worthy of being invested in. I am somebody who is worthy of beauty and time and these gorgeous rituals, I am worthy of improving myself, working on myself, being obsessed with myself and not constantly waking up in a day and rushing off to everybody else's needs. Your self-concept will quite literally determine what you are able to manifest in this life and nobody talks about that enough that is exactly why I have so many pages in my obsessive-manifesting journal that is called self-concept work because if you are not doing your self-concept work and this guided journal is a really easy way to do it, you cannot manifest fully. Okay, you need to understand who do I want to be, where am I right now and how can I close that gap? What signs of limiting beliefs or old traumas are holding me back from becoming the type of person that can receive all of the high vibe, amazing things that I want. Remember that on this journey, the partner that you want, the one that's grounded, emotionally intelligent, secure, confident, successful in who they are, you don't attract them by just wanting them, you can only attract them by operating at that exact same frequency yourself. By being the type of woman who's self-concept is so solid that she's not looking for someone to complete her, she's just looking for someone to match her. You are a match to that person, you have that confident energy. So much of my advice in this topic is about mindset and I really feel like that is where all the work happens. However, as always, I do want to give you at least one practical tip and this is about increasing your surface area for good luck. I heard this phrase on TikTok and I've been absolutely obsessed with it and what this essentially means is you need to put yourself in more situations and take on more actions that make you a luckier person. You are not going to get more good luck by sitting at home all day and doing nothing, okay? As a bare minimum, take a trip to your favourite cafe once a week, go to new places. If you can, travel more, put yourself in situations where you were going to meet people that you didn't even know existed. I have heard so many amazing love stories in my life of people who got married and just I've all still together to this day of people who have literally met on the London tube. I kid you not, there was this amazing story of somebody that I know where they were literally on the tube on their way back from a workout. She's a queen who shows up for herself and goes to the gym every morning, we love it. She was literally in her gym clothes, she had to go home to get ready and it was on that tube where a guy approached her, got her number and then they got married years later. And they're still together. Like, you would never expect it but it's you leaving the house and doing things that even just going about your day and achieving your goals that you might meet people along the way, that mature frequency and mature vibe because you're doing the right things to align with them. While I am saying this though, if you are travelling, if you are going on solo days, do not make the mistake that every single time you walk into a cafe you think, oh my god, am I going to meet my soul mate here today? No. You need to be so effing detached from the whole process. The second that you start thinking in that way you immediately go back to that chasing mentality that I need somebody to complete me a mentality. It is okay to want a romantic partner and to want the right love but you should not be desperate to find it. You should be so confident and so assured and secure in the fact that you know you are so certain it's gonna happen for you. You're just going into a cafe to enjoy yourself. Why would you be thinking, oh my god, am I going to find my soul mate? Because you are already a confident woman who knows it will find me when it's ready. It will find me when the time is right. I am unbothered and I'm living my life in the meantime. So I want you to show up, go to the event you normally wouldn't. Even post the content online, so many people meet digitally now. Say yes to the invitations that make you a little bit uncomfortable because you've never been there before. And while you're doing all of that, do it for your growth and your goals and then who knows who you might meet along the way. And I have to save my most important point for last. Stop making it about your worth. Not having your person yet. Being single for so many years, having a few breakups, even being stuck in a situation ship. None of that is indicative of your worthiness, of being loved, of being in a healthy relationship, of who you are as a person. You're not being where you want, is not evidence that you are never going to be loved. Or this journey has to be difficult for you. And if you start thinking like that, I promise that's going to manifest itself. If you believe that, if you're visualising on my God, maybe I'm not attractive enough, maybe people don't like me, other people must have something that I don't. First of all, none of those things are true. Okay, that's just self-doubt creeping in. You're choosing to believe it. And now that's manifesting into the universe. It was never about worthiness and it has always been about alignment The reason you don't have your own person yet the reason that maybe you've been attracting people that aren't really what you want It's literally a matter of alignment and when you do the mindset shifts and the actions that I've mentioned so far in this video I promise you you are actually gonna get a different result because you will no longer be the same person That got all of these results and all of these experiences that you've had so far And I also want to say to my single girlies if you are ever scrolling online or even in real life You see somebody who looks like they have the best relationship ever and you just feel like that little bit of comparison And your heart just drops a bit and you feel that sting because you know that's really what you want You need to cut that comparison BS out immediately Okay, and not even for the benefit of the other person for yourself because every single time You decide that looking at somebody else in a happy relationship It's something that hurts your heart and makes you feel sad you were just reinforcing scarcity around the whole thing for yourself You are telling yourself a story about scarcity that is not true You are placing this energetic order for exactly the outcome you are most afraid of Because that comparison and that scarcity is coming from you looking at what somebody else has And then feeling like oh my god, I will never have that If you are actually confident in your life and the results that you're gonna get You would look at somebody else in such a happy relationship and be unfazed by it Matter of fact you would smile when you see it and you'd be so happy for them because you would be so secure knowing It's gonna be my turn soon like I am gonna get that I can't wait look how abundant and visible love is all around us in the world When you make that shift when you go from I just wish I had that why is my journey so Difficult and hard and like it just breaks me like why do other people have it so easy to oh my god love is gorgeous Look how many amazing guys are out there how many women there are out there that are making it work That I loving each other that are showing up for each other that's amazing that means it's possible for me to Making that shift is you broadcasting to the universe I'm therefore impacting your manifestations that this is possible for you that you are aligned with this that your self concept is matching that exact relationship That scenario that lifestyle but when you compare you're just telling the universe. I'm not ready for this That's not me. I don't align with that because the people in relationships aren't comparing So if you want to be in that situation, why are you that woman that has the love you want does not have it because she's lucky or Or earlier than you she's got it because at some point she actually worked on her self concept and she stopped linking her relationship status to her worth She stopped comparing her timeline to everybody else's and she stopped collecting evidence that love was not coming and that Men are trash and finally I want you to remember your love story is not a matter of if It has always been a matter of when and when it happens all starts with the decision you decide to make once this video ends Good luck (upbeat music)