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Speaker 3Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 41, and this episode is brought to you as a result of a listener email. I really love it when listeners write to tell me how much they enjoy the podcast. Of course, I'm going to love it. But I love it just as much, genuinely, when listeners share, quite openly and honestly, the challenges that they're facing as parents. I feel incredibly privileged that parents feel able to do that, and how wonderfully brave of you to do that as well. So, thank you. So, in this week's episode, I want to talk about real parenting. The messy, dirty, ugly, crying, shouting, despairing trials which confront us. Often, it feels on a daily basis. When you're feeling totally knackered, as though you're failing, feeling as though you are throwing random, random threats out when your children make poor choices, and then not being able to follow through. Maybe even feeling as though your children are ganging up on you. Being deliberately non-compliant and hatching a plan to completely mess with your mind. Firstly, let me genuinely, genuinely reassure you, we have all been there and will continue to be there. We don't always know how we got there, and certainly we don't always even know how we got, out the other side. And we often live in fear, constant fear, that we could get sucked right back into that vortex of crazy parent at any given moment. So, you are genuinely not alone. This is something that I, you know, I've experienced a huge amount. I've been that ugly, scary, shouty mummy on more than one occasion, I will say. And my children will vouch for it. And it's part of being human. So, genuinely, I want to reassure you that you are not, you know, messing, you're not going to screw up your kids in any way. It is just you genuinely being a human being. And that's why I really, I don't know, it really touched me when that email came through, because it takes a huge amount of bravery to send that kind of email. And as I said, I felt incredibly honoured that they were able to do that. Because it's important that we have these honest conversations about parenting, because it isn't easy. You know, we are individuals with our own emotions, our own pressures, our own challenges, our own things that we're dealing with. And on top of that, we are responsible for these tiny little human beings. And we feel a huge amount of pressure and a weight of expectation that we do the right thing all of the time. And what I would say with parenting is if you're going to remember one thing about being a good parent, it's understanding that in each and every moment of each and every day, you are making a decision based on the best information you have at that moment. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but not something that we are privileged to possess until after the event. So please, let's not get hung up with this notion that we have to have a right decision, that there's always in every instance, there is a right decision. Instead, let's really, say to ourselves, do you know what? I've got to make a decision. And in that moment, maybe I didn't make the right decision. Maybe shouting and screaming at my children wasn't the best choice I made in that moment. Maybe threatening all sorts of consequences, removal of their iPad, throwing it out of the window. Didn't a celebrity do that? I'm sure someone did through their child's iPad out the window. But it's this whole notion is that it is simply a decision in that moment and let's lose the additional pressure. That we add on to ourselves that it's got to be the right decision. So apologies for the ramble, but I felt I needed to set some context. So parenting consistently when we're knackered. These are my top five tips, but it doesn't matter whether you're knackered is just when you're feeling overwhelmed when you're feeling that you're sort of not really you're failing at this whole parenting gig and that you think actually just want to hand the reins over to somebody else and you're stuck in that rut. What can you do? So I'm going to do my usual five top tips. So the first one is cut yourself some slack. Genuinely start with that. It's a blip. You're not going to screw up your kids. You just need to pause, reflect, regroup and make a plan. You're in a rut in that moment and sometimes we don't even spot that we're in that rut until we've been crazy parent for quite some time. And again, I've been there. But you are in a rut and the only way out is to do something different and sometimes the difference can be doing the same thing but not letting it get you stressed or beating yourself up because sometimes when we're in that blip sometimes when we're so caught up with the challenges that we're having we find it difficult to find a way out so we've got to first of all recognise that we're stuck in a rut that we've got to that point of being shouty parent that we've got to that overwhelm that we've got to that point of being shouty parent. We've either gone to that place where we're throwing the book at them constantly and banning them from everything and not letting them do anything or we've completely gone the other way and we've gone what's the point of even trying just do whatever you want just eat whatever you want just be on electronic devices as much as you want and we tend to oscillate anywhere in between those those points. So if you find that you're in that place if you are listening to this podcast episode right now and you're saying oh my goodness me that is so me then understand. That you can stay in that place now being consciously aware that you are stuck in a rut and you can begin to make those changes and then the first change you can simply make is a an acknowledgement that this is where I'm at and that what's going to happen is I'm going to choose to do something different but I'm going to give myself the time to know what that is so often with parenting and I see this so much and I'm massively guilty have been certainly massively guilty of it. When the children were younger was that I'd listen now podcasts weren't around really when I when my children were younger but I would buy the latest parenting book and I would read about these techniques it's like yes that's what I need to do that's how we need to parent and then I'd suddenly switch things up and then if that didn't work then I'd find a new parenting book and then I would change it and it was like I was constantly oscillating between one thing and the other and in lots of ways I'd lost that faith and that instinct. That I ultimately knew my children and I knew what would work better for them now it doesn't mean that I knew all of the tools it doesn't mean that I knew all the best strategies but I knew my children well enough that when I read these books I should have had more faith and more trust in my instincts to know do you know what that sounds really great and I love the way that they've described it and the examples they've given but for my family I don't think that's going to work so I'm not going to do that. But I might tweak this or I might take this bit from that book and actually this book has this bit that I quite like that I think would work really well with my family so it is being able to just cut yourself some slack perfect parenting does not exist I have never ever met a perfect parent because they do not exist they are human beings like us and we are fallible we have emotions we have ups and downs we have stresses and we think and act in the moment. But I might tweak this or I might take this bit from that book and actually this book has this bit that I quite like that I think would work really well with my family I don't think that's going to work so I'm not going to do that. But I might tweak this or I might take this bit from that book and actually this book has this bit that I think would work really well with my family I don't think that's going to work so I'm not going to do that. some slack. Number two is know the difference between quick wins and longer lasting permanent changes. Both are acceptable but we want to move towards more of the longer lasting permanent changes where possible but sometimes that's just not possible as our child is going through maybe a particular stage of their development and we're working through it. So we're trying to stay focused on the long game. Parenting is a marathon not a sprint and sometimes we need the quick wins. We need those quick and dirty wins that maybe we said we were never going to do. I was a guest on a podcast the other day in terms of talking about antenatal. So this is all parents who are you know in those early they're still pregnant or those early sort of weeks months and years of having their first child and we were I was being asked some questions about it. I just remember being so adamant no judgment please but so adamant that was like when I raise my children I'm not going to get into this whole bribery if you do this I'll give you that and I'm not going to do this and I'm going to be like this and my children are just going to do what I asked them first up. How naive was I? Yeah we've all been there sometimes we need that quick win. We need to maybe ignore the fact that our son is being unkind to their sister maybe because we've chosen in that moment that actually having that particular discussion right now in the middle of a supermarket when you are already exhausted and you have a trolley full of stuff and you just want to get out is probably not the best time to have that conversation. Yeah so whether it's that quick win because you think do you know what I'm going to let you have that snack that you've just pulled out of the cupboard that is really going to interfere with your lunch but right now it's going to work for me because I think that's going to work. I think that's what you need you need something to eat so it's just remembering that yes we are working towards the long game yes parenting is a marathon yes that's what we want to work towards but sometimes we just have to have those quick wins those quick dirty fixes that help us out of that particular situation and that doesn't make us any less effective as a parent it doesn't take anything away from that but it does mean that we're still keeping our eye on the long goal but that sometimes those quick wins are necessary. So the first thing is we've got to cut ourselves some slack the second thing is knowing the difference between quick wins and longer lasting changes and accepting sometimes when we need the quick wins. Now I'm not advocating that we go for quick wins all of the time because that's where we come unstuck at some point maybe we've had a quick win and we've just said to our children that yes they can be on the television or on a digital device or yes they can stay up later and we do that over a period of time. So I think it's important over a period of days over a period of weeks and before we know it we're unravelling a scenario or they've been coming into bed with us because that's a quick win we know that they'll go back to sleep quite quickly so again that's been a quick win but now it's beginning to unravel so it's being aware it's being conscious of it but also accepting that sometimes we just need to go there. Number three is review your rules your household rules and your consequences regularly and this is important for a number of things it's first of all review them regularly because actually are they still serving your family right now also how consistently are you applying them and thirdly how effectively are you communicating them. So often we have rules within our household and consequences that we've probably not even communicated with our children. Now for those of you who are new to me I would really recommend that you listen to the podcast episodes why punishments don't work for those of you who know me well you know that my view in terms of parenting and helping our children when it comes to them making poor choices comes from the place of what am I trying to teach my child long term and in my view using language around consequences because there are consequences for our actions even as adults is much more effective than this notion of discipline you've done something wrong you will be punished and your discipline will be x. I think that is less instructive so what I would say is if you've got yourself to that point where the parenting's got messy it's got ugly you're knackered you're exhausted you're throwing everything at your children and nothing is changing then it's time to review your rules and consequences and it may be that you've not clearly communicated them or it may be that you are firefighting multiple different rules and actually not being consistent with your consequences or not even following through so it's making sure that you look at that because my view is as always I like to keep things super simple I like to keep things as just one thing when you've got into this rut when you're in this blip when you're in this whopping great big hole that is parenting and you need to get out it's focus on the one thing what is the one thing that we could do in terms of re reinstating a rule and a consequence or communicating better about a rule and a consequence that will have the greatest impact on the family in terms of how you are generally feeling in that moment so it's like what is the one thing that if you focused in on that would have the biggest ripple effect and then that's what you're going to do and communicate to your children about what the rules are and the consequences and so that they know in advance so that you're not caught up in this sort of throwing the book at them or saying you're not going to a birthday party because of because of this behavior and then realizing afterward that you're the responsible adult that's taking about four other children to the birthday party so then you have to backtrack and say oh actually you are going to the birthday party and then it feels like you're not being necessarily consistent and that specific example that i gave you i gave you because i have done just that where i threw the book because i was in a frustrated exhausted rage and then subsequently realized i can't do that actually because i have just agreed to take some other children so when we are reviewing our rules and consequences regularly instead of firefighting in the moment and coming up with a consequence that we make up on the spot we've already thought it through our children know what we're expecting of them they know the pattern of behavior we know they know therapy's biggest
Speaker 1impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough it shows up in the smallest moments you bite your tongue instead of escalating you put your phone down instead of firing off that text you say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most nobody applauds those moments but they quietly change your life that's what growing feels like and that's exactly what grow therapy is here for grow is therapy that works covered by insurance sessions average 21 with insurance and some pay as little as zero dollars depending on their plan there are no subscriptions no long-term commitments you just pay per session grow connects you with thousands of high quality licensed therapists across the u.s offering both virtual and in-person sessions nights and weekends you can search by what matters like insurance specialty identity or availability and you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days not the national 48 day average see if you could pay as little as zero dollars for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash acast that's growtherapy.com slash acast growtherapy.com slash acast availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan
Speaker 3the choices we're expecting them to make and we've effectively communicated with them what the consequence will be should they not follow that particular rule so we've communicated that and we're focusing in on one thing one is such a powerful number so number one cut yourself some slack number two know the difference between quick wins and longer lasting changes number three review your rules and your consequences and number three review your rules and your consequences and number four communicate with everyone who helps run your family you are the ceo of your family and you need to communicate effectively with all your stakeholders oh that sounds like a real worky thing but in essence that's what you are you are running an organization and that organization just happens to be your family and the stakeholders may well just be the immediate family may just be yourself your partner and your children but if you've got grandparents helping if you've got a child minder or a nanny or an aunt or an uncle or a friend or whoever that might be and even i would say teachers and teaching assistants and sports coaches may well also be stakeholders because if part of the challenge that you're having part of that feeling exhausted because you're either shattered having these constant battles or overwhelmed with all of the various bits that you're juggling is that it's really important that everybody knows where necessary so that you're all singing from the same hymn sheet so you're all sort of implementing the same rules and consequences so it's seen as consistent now it won't always be 100 consistent if you're listening to this and you are co-parenting but you're not co-parenting in the same home then obviously that is going to be very different even if you are co-parenting in the same home but you have very different views or you're co-parenting in the same home but you have grandparents or other people involved who tend to adopt and modify the rules slightly that's part of the communication that you have and the communication may be that everybody is doing the same but it may also be accepting that in different households there are slightly different interpretations of the rules but being able to communicate that effectively with your children because children are very good at playing us off against each other so they're very good at playing us off against each other so they're very good at playing us off against each other they're very good at playing us off against each other so they're very good at playing us off against even when we're co-parenting in the same home about well daddy said this or mummy said that or going to one parent to play off the other parent in terms of i didn't get the answer that i wanted from you so i'm going to go to this parent because i think i might get the answer from them to if we're co-parenting but then we don't live with our partner anymore there might be an element of well when i'm at daddy's house i get to do this or when i'm at grandparents house i get to do that so it's just being able to play us off against each other and i think that's where possible and sometimes it isn't possible sometimes the what that extended stakeholder those extended stakeholders we aren't able to have that level of communication with but where possible we really should be communicating with everyone who helps run our family and that includes our children and helping them understand that as a family we work together it's a family unit we occupy a family home it's a shared space we have a shared space we have a shared space we have a shared responsibility whether that is a shared responsibility towards the upkeep of the home or whether that's a shared responsibility in terms of the culture the environment and how things feel you know whether you can either obviously with older children you can talk about culture and an environment but with younger children you can talk about it in terms of the weather in that family you know you can talk about whether the weather in the family is sunny or whether it's stormy or whether it's rainy it we're trying to help our children understand that they are a contributor to all of this and that we are communicating with them about how we're going to be how those rules and those consequences but how that environment in which we're all living in how we could all play a part with that so number four is about communicating regularly and also having those discussions where there may well be differences it's much better to have those discussions in advance and agree compromises whether that's actually with our children particularly our teen children where we're discussing differences and coming to compromises but it can also be with other adults where that are also involved in raising our children where they may see things differently to us they may feel that adopting a slightly different strategy is more important or different rules are more important or the consequences should be handled in a slightly different way having those conversations in advance are so much better because we can negotiate we can problem solve we can find compromises much more easily than in the heat of the moment so if we're in a rut and part of that rut part of that exhaustion is being constant conflict or loggerheads with another stakeholder it's having that pause to be able to then think how can we work together how can we find some workable middle ground so that we can then move forward much more positively so the four so far are cut yourself some slack it's a blip know the difference between quick wins and longer lasting permanent changes review your rules and consequences regularly and number four communicate with everyone who helps run your family and number five as you have no doubt have already guessed is check in on you because you are the CEO of your family and you set the tone and the culture within that organisation and what's going on for you right now may well be contributing to the issues you're having now that is not that you are to blame but that you are part of that environment and as the leader as the one that people that your children and the family will be looking to then you have you play a huge part in this and so we have to constantly so often with these parenting books um i did write a blog post a while ago about why parenting books in my view don't work and although i'll probably end up writing one now won't i but anyway why i think that parenting books don't work is that they tend to adopt this slightly you know approach that says well do this do that which i've just doing with you but in essence it takes away that notion of the fact that every child is unique every child is different each family dynamic is different and the books do not address the single most important factor in whether any aspect of any parenting strategy is effective or not and that's you if you are not in the right place if the overwhelm is spilling over at home because you're overwhelmed at work if you're taking on too many responsibilities and you're not if you are doing too many things and you need to let things go that is going to impact your ability to effectively parent and be the ceo of your family so you have to check in on you and what's going on for you which might be contributing to the issues that you're having and you need to be totally honest you need to be totally honest about that then make a commitment to change just one thing yeah so i keep saying it you're just changing one thing don't suddenly decide you want to change multiple things because it is not going to work focus on one thing i was listening to an interview with vera wang the designer she's 70 and looks incredible and she was asked about her secret to youthful looks and her answer sleep and a vodka tonic at the end of her work day now i'm not suggesting that we follow the vodka tonic but i'm not suggesting and i'm not even sure whether vera wang has any children but there's something clear in her message she marks the end of her work day with a regular routine to switch out of one mode and into another and she protects one of the most important activities for our positive mental health and well-being and that's sleep if i asked you now how you would respond to that you mark the end of your work day whether that's work as a parent an employee an entrepreneur a carer whatever it is that that might be what would your response be what about your sleep patterns what time do you go to bed what what do you do to unwind before you go to bed how many hours sleep do you get if we haven't got the fundamentals right and one of those key fundamentals is sleep we do not stand a chance when it comes to consistently parenting our children so when we check in on ourselves and i like i'm imagining i'm imagining a few of you are thinking i think she might have hit a bit of a point there about my sleep maybe not some of you might be thinking i get lots of sleep mary han but i would hazard a guess that for the majority of you that are listening to this are probably thinking maybe i'm not and actually i think that that's really important maybe that should just be a point of reference for you to think about when you're thinking about your sleep just about making sure that we get enough sleep but when we're checking in on us if we are not getting the basics right of ensuring that we get optimal sleep is between seven and eight hours sleep a night now obviously some of us need more some of us need less but that is optimally what we should be getting if we are finding that we are consistently going to bed very very late because we're doing multiple jobs and all of these other things that we get ourselves caught up with and we're not having enough sleep we're already getting the basics right so if we're not getting already starting our day on a back foot there's no way that we can parent effectively if we're already sleep deprived and exhausted so those are my top five tips and I feel like I've been a little bit preachy this time I hope it doesn't come across that way I'm genuinely saying this with love because I so know those times when I felt completely in a pit with my parenting and thought I just can't see a way out and I just you think that you're the worst parent in the world and everyone else that you look at seems to be having happy smiley kids and you're looking at your kids maybe and just thinking right now I really don't like you I really don't like myself if I could outsource it I would whatever it might be I just really want you to know that it genuinely won't always be there you won't always feel that way yes it's going to take up some work yes you're going to have to dig deep into resources but it will it changes so quickly the minute we become conscious consciously aware. You know, the minute we're able to go, right, okay, I get it. Actually, you're right. I've taken five minutes now and I've realised that this is where I'm at. You can then work through. And at the simplest thing, check on you, cut yourself some slack and focus in on one thing. If we could get it down in a nutshell, those would be the things that I would suggest you do. So my give this week is my usual checklist with the five key strategies with a bit of space to reflect underneath. So again, it just serves you as a bit of a reminder and also a tool to practically use. And as usual, go over to my free resource library, drmaryhand.com forward slash library, where you'll find the link to download the resource. All you need to do is pop your email address in and then you'll get instant access, not only to this week's resource, but all of the other free resources across all my podcast episodes. And for those of you who might be listening to this podcast, for the very first time, the previous podcast episode, episode number 40 has also got a template for the Sunday family planning meetings when we're talking about communicating effectively as the CEO for your family. So you might also find that that really helpful. So what I would say, I guess, as a plea before my usual kind of last words is that I really value your comments. I really value your responses. I really value your comments. And it means the world to me that you listen, that you love the podcast, that you email me and that you let me know. And it just still genuinely blows my mind that I sit in my little office talking to my screen and sort of imagining I've got an audience of people maybe smiling and nodding and thinking, OK, well, yeah, I get that. That that sounds a little bit like me. Thank you very much. It genuinely means the world. And I want the podcast to be something that you look forward to. And I want the podcast to be something that you look forward to and actually addresses the problems and the challenges that you're having every day. So please do email in. Do let us know if there's questions that you want us to answer, if there's things that you're thinking about that I've not yet tackled. There isn't anything that I won't tackle. So please, please do email in. And the best email address to do is to go to contact at DrMaryHan.com. That goes straight through to my amazing PA, Heidi, who will then. Let me know and we'll. I respond to as many emails as I possibly can. I don't want to say 100% because someone might have slipped through the net, but I do respond to as many as I possibly can. So as ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, I would love it if you could follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. Bye.
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