Real Eyes Realize Real Lies

(audience cheering) - Hi, welcome back to BirkenCon or make a podcast. - Hi. - Can't stop thinking-- - I'm back. - Can't stop thinking about that photo you posted me on your Snapchat story last night where I looked completely, I looked at other world-- - But it was like funny. - No, 'cause it was like-- - Like it's like funny 'cause you don't look like that. - Well, I was kind of excited to see it, 'cause I kind of was like, I'm sitting chillin' like I like my outfit, like I can't wait to see that photo later, the chumbucket. That's what it looked like an advertisement for the chumbucket. - It had a nice amount of screenshots. (laughs) (upbeat music) - It was funny. It wasn't even like a candid, I'm walking a bit like a bat. I was sitting like relaxing. - Yeah, it was like a funny bad picture. You're fine. You will be fine. - It's hard, it's bad picture. - You will be okay. - It had how many screenshots? - I don't know. - Check. - You will be so fine. - How many screenshots? That's just like a tough nut, swallow. - It had-- - No, don't tell me. - I would tell me. - Yeah, I would tell me. - 111? - Six figures? - No. - Three figures? - Yeah. - Okay. - You're gonna pull through. - You know what? - I know you are. - I had a lot of screenshots yesterday too. I think it might be a glitch. I don't think that that many, 'cause I post yesterday all I've eaten today is ham and has 192 screenshots. - Okay, can I see the picture? - It was a good picture. - Let me see. - I think it was good. - Let me see them. - Good, not great. I didn't say it was great. - There it must be a glitch, you're right. - My round, I looked, you know what? - What? - You're not gonna give right now, but I started taking creatine. - Are you bulking? - No, I was just like suggested to start taking creatine. And I guess you start withholding water. - Withholding? - I don't know, holding, taking on water. - Oh, get absorbed, have a little water. - What is it called? - Water? - You're just like retaining, retaining, retaining. - Yeah, so there's some sort of retaining wall happening and I think it's only in my face. - You're fine. - Look at that picture again. Look at that picture again. - It's a bad picture. - Yeah, but that was my natural state. - But you don't, no, let's, we're moving. - When I'm sitting, okay. - You look really tan though. - I sat out yesterday. - That's not artificial at all? - No. - Why'd you just smile like that? - Because I'm excited. - Are you lying? - No, I'm excited that you think that it looks artificial, cause it looks so good. - It, you look really tan, yeah. - Thank you. - It's nice. - That's what happens when I come to California. - Yeah. - Say a little bit, say a little bit, say a little bit. - I live here, I haven't been, I haven't left California this month and it is, what's today? It's the 20th. - Say, say a little bit, say a while. - Thanks. - Yeah, you might, you might find out you like it. (laughing) - I do like it. - Give it a chance. - It's really nice. - Give it a chance. - I was having yesterday because Brooke is going from Memorial Day, like the group of theirs is going and she looked up to the weather yesterday and found it to be. - Lower 50s. - In the 50s and Cloudy and Raining of Thunderstorm. - Lower 50s. - What did you say to me? - House on the beach. - I'll be in the lower 50s for now. Rain and Thunder, I appreciate that. And then Connor was like, oh, it's not bad. Like, it'll-- - It might turn around. - It might turn around. And I was like, well, what are you doing from Memorial Day? And he was like, oh, I'm saying, here are the weather's amazing. - Thank you so much. - Stick around, you might like it. - I just like, I planned so many things months and months ago when I was mentally well. And I was like, all of these things will be fun. Like, I want to celebrate Phoebe. And now that I've entered this space of mental unwellness that she's nearing, I'm like, why did I do anything? Why did I plan the speech trip? That's four more days away. I plan this big party. Like, why did I do that? Like, why did I did so much? And now that we're here, it's like, what was she thinking? I'm thinking, I was, she was thinking that she really wanted to celebrate. But I'm fine now. Like, I'm good. - Yeah. - I want to rest. Like, I'm already tired and nothing started. I'm so grateful and excited more than everything. But I'm definitely experiencing some mental trials - Interrelations. - Some restlessness. - Some, yeah, some restlessness like syndrome and shit like that. And obviously, like, no one thought I was gonna be doing well. Like, with the release of a debut novel. Like, like, that wasn't expected for me to do well. And I'm, and that's great and that's fine. And so it's just, the expected is happening and that's all good and we're ready for it. And we're gonna push through and it's gonna be amazing. And I can't wait. And I won't see you next week 'cause I will be, I'll have, I'll be away. - I'm coming. - No, so next week will we have an episode is he? So we will not have an episode at all next week in honor of Miss Fever. - Miss Fever. - Miss Fever. - Uh, Miss Fever. She will be out next week. - Fever, Fever. - That's nausea. - Wait, but I'm recording while you're away. - Yeah, but there will be no episode. There will be no episode next week. I don't know when you're recording, but then there will be two episodes without me, which is a honor. So I'll be gone for three. - Yeah, well, not just me. We're gonna have someone, someone will be on in her. - In my, in my, in my, in my, - In her stead. - Yeah, in my stead. So I'll be gone and I will miss you all deeply. Please keep me in your thoughts. I'm so excited. I'm extremely nauseous. Everything should be good. And I'm very sad. - It's gonna be amazing. That's like a learning moment too because a lot of times like the things that you build up, a great celebration would be to go home and hit the hay. But you don't realize that. But cool. Now, you know that like when you really sit and you put out a bunch of things and you're working really hard and it's and it, and it is that maybe give it a week before you decide to hit the town, you know? - Well, my therapist was saying 'cause I was like, why did I do this? What was I thinking? I'm so stupid. And she was like, that was still you that really wanted to celebrate. And like, she is still in there, you know? Like, that was you. So I have to trust myself. - Yeah, you're reaping what you sow. - Yeah, at one point in time, I believe this was cause for celebration. - And it is. - It's from where I'm sitting. I'm excited to go to that party. - Yeah. - So, thank you. - You're welcome. - That is another weird thing about celebrating your personal win. Is that like, it's for other people kind of. Like I'm excited to go to that party. You're like, I would like to go to bed. - Oh yeah. - Oh my god, yeah. Sorry, I'm really like nauseous. - Yeah, that's okay. It'll be fun. - No, I know, I know, I know, I know. - I love the idea of reaping what you sow. Remember the correlation we talked about a long time ago about reaping what you sow? - No. - It's just like such a correlation between reaping and selling, which is so direct. Like you've worked so hard and you're about to sow so hard, you know? - You know, but it's not sowing, you know, like stitching, right? - Yeah, it's sowing is in harvesting your crops. - Yeah, yeah, that's great. - And then on the other side, if you're not really sowing, you're not gonna reap much, which is really, it's hard, that's a tough not to swallow too. - Okay. - Sorry, I'm just gonna have to throw up, do you think? - Oh my god, I'm not gonna throw up. But this has been, for like two weeks, I've just been like on the brink. - Yeah. - Thank you. - It's okay. - Sorry, it's from weird. My dog also died. - Yeah, your dog did die. Do you wanna go into dog now or do you wanna? - It's just been, it's just been in an emotional time. - Yeah. - I'm not gonna cry. - Okay. - But it is weird, my childhood dog guide. And it's just, it's just-- - When it rains, it rains. - Yeah, when it rains, it pours. - Yeah, it just, it very much feels like the end of, the end of an era and ushering in a new one. And it's really scary. Like she was the last piece of my youth. She was, we got, I got her when I was in high school. - Yeah. - And it's really like that time is done. - I know that one. - I am, it feels really symbolic in a happy way. - That was exactly what happened. That's why I kind of didn't talk about it on the podcast when it happened to me. I kind of don't want to acknowledge that in a concrete way with my words and put it out in the space. But been there and it's not fun. So I'm sorry. - It's okay. - It's just like, wow, you get a dog when you're 17 and then she dies before you turn 30. - Okay, heavy, heavy, heavy, yeah. - Yeah. Anyway, I love you, Cleo. You're a good dog. - Rest in power, Cleo. - Yeah, and she is. She was amazing. - Yeah, I, were we together when I talked about my, my, my first dog. - I'm not gonna get hit by the buzz. - Yeah, the school bus. - Yeah. - I was talking about that the other day and kind of as like an icebreaker and it doesn't like, you'll get to a space where it's like, It is weird and transformative to like have that animal represent a part of your life And like that's a part of you that's like, okay, wait, that was my last like Keepsake of that time Yeah And then it will be like a memory that's like, I'll remember this was like a big Piece of me that I held here and then you kind of release it in that way and me talking about my dog getting hit by a school bus fulfilled up a children on their way to school That will that's also probably pretty transformative. They probably have that memory that stayed with them too So that's that's Rusty's legacy, which I In a comedic sense. I do appreciate that. He he did that. Yeah He left us and that you know what Andrew Garfield said what did I don't know This is not so much about Rusty, but rest and power rest and power. I wonder if he's with Cleo one hundred percent And socky and socky. Well, you know what's amazing really quick before you tell us about Louis Hamilton What's it? Andrew Garfield Um, he's a race car driver. I don't I've never don't keep up with it. Don't know why that I was thinking Hamilton anyways Socky dug up Rusty in the backyard. Wow Max dug up socky The baton is being passed through from the afterlife. Wow, which I think it's true the baton The bone is being passed through the afterlife and they're tapping each other in like that tick-tock trend That's yeah How beautiful digging them up. I'm like that. Maybe let's stop airing the dogs like in the night I knew in the circle of life. Yeah, it is and it happens tell us what You know what he Allen. I can't remember what his name is. You know who he is. Andrew Garfield No, I just can't remember his name right now. He said that grief is just all of the love All the unexpressed love For that person. Hang on. I'm I'm gonna get there. I just need a bank Grief is did like it when you're expressing grief. It's all the Andrew Garfields. I hope this grief stays with me because it's All the unexpressed love that I didn't get to tell her Oh, yeah, yeah, that's good. Yeah It is and grief looks like many things. You can look so different to so many grief could grief could look for you Accelerating Phoebe because that could also be a rest and power Cleo. Well Cleo will be with me on the During the tour, which isn't nice. That she'll be looking down on me. That's nice from doggy heaven I saw the craziest take talk I've ever seen this this woman I follow whose me too you go first Well, I'm not gonna be able to quote it because it was like the deepest I just commented hashtag affected me underneath her take that because I wanted If people saw it like every time they like it, you know you go get to go back to the video And it was she was talking about her weekend with a coworker and she was like time is weird Can I just play it sure? It's it's like it's it's gonna be like a banker So we may have to take her time with it. I love that. Yeah. Well, basically Just pay attention to what she says about dogs and time passive. Okay, because it really was like whoa Um, like perspective type shit Let me Pull it up. Okay, do weekend. Do you know how is your weekend? All right. Okay. I started thinking I was just wasting time What were you doing nothing just because you're doing nothing doesn't mean you're wasting time Yeah, but what is time if you don't do something with it? I don't know Ask a dog. I read ones that dogs have a faster metabolism than people and because of that time moves more slowly for them No wonder they're always so hungry at dinner. Did you know that dog smell time? They do If they can't smell you anymore, that's how they know you've been gone a long time One time I tripped and I fell in slow motion, but I hit the ground at full speed Did it hurt? The full speed part hurt a lot. Full speed always hurts more. That's why I don't like to dry fast That's kind of how my weekend felt when I was doing it. It felt like slow motion But when it was over it felt like full speed. Maybe you should stop looking at clocks and start smelling time Then I'd never make it back to my desk. I know So I can't remember how that related That's a that's a tough one. It's a start to even think about teasing a part Right what part especially the part when she said that the weekend was in slow motion, but then when it was over It was full speed ahead I think she looking back said that about falling. No, she said it about the weekend when her weekend was in slow motion But then at the end it was it was full speed which that I don't get It's just like on on Sunday. You're like oh my god. I was like for the weekend and now it's sunday at 4 p.m And it's like hot this was like the weekend and now it's over But when you're I don't think I've taken I took anything away from that. Okay I thought it was interesting that she said that dogs metabolized faster should time move slower So they live like a very full life on a shorter time line than us and they smell time So like they smell it based on whatever scent that you leave That makes sense that time has been moving really fast for me because I've been extremely slow metabolism Oh, I was like are you sure do you have congestion? No, I have a slow metabolism Maybe you should start smelling time. I'm gonna try Yeah, it is it It is an interesting one like when things stop smelling you're like oh that much time is passed that like my card doesn't smell like that rotisserie chicken Right well, sometimes you can smell time in the sense that smells to transport you like when I there's this one hand sanitizer that we use in third grade that is just like The most the biggest smell in my life. I think would be that hand sanitizer and I remember I smelled it once in 12th grade again And it was I was just had the most existential pit in my stomach like I can't believe that all that time has passed And I like felt like a third grade like I was just so aware of time When I smell that hand sanitizer again if I were to smell that hand sanitizer now I would drop dead That's how I feel about the hand sanitizer. They said that everyone seemed to have during COVID that was just like 99% alcohol Do you remember that they used to have these big sacks? It wasn't purel. It was just off the ground. No, it was like This crazy hands. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? the like big sacks of 100% alcohol we used to put on like before eating. I smell that now This hand sanitizer was it actually smelled so good. It was this large blue foam me bottle similar to the white bar and the truth that we just put all of ourselves in the ad reads It was is he would you mind looking up the large bottle of blue foamy hand sanitizer for schools? That should do. I'm sure it could be used anywhere else as well but Oh, no, they don't they don't know no, it's the like the inside is blue foam Summer breeze makes me feel nice. I think it's dead. It died with my youth and it's up there with Clio There was one that I was all the girls always had this Japanese cherry blossom from yeah, bad bad bad body works. Yeah, was it yeah, and I was so allergic to it But I really like the smell break out hives, but I knew there was one time when I really like One of your nightmares couldn't take this test and I was like hammy or Japanese cherry blossom purel I put it on hives home. Yep, and it was a Friday test next week. It's so nice study up Oh, I remember once I had horrible acne And I was a camp counselor and the director was like, are you okay? You're breaking on hive And I was like no, I think I need to go home. So I got to go home for my acne It's fine. Yeah, I didn't He said all. Oh, I mean it was yeah me me sad. Oh, why I got to go home You know, it's makes me sad when I think about what I wanted to be cool so bad and I think it was junior high And I had really bad allergies. I still do pollen really affects me um I was pretty self-conscious about my body. I couldn't touch grass and I was so I would put where I had to always be on shirts Because I was allergic to the grass and I was like that's God God's real and he's with me here Then I can't take my shirt off and you know, just play shirts and skins. I was always shirts and It was 420 and I knew a bunch of guys had smoked weed before school And I took some grass from outside and I rubbed it on my face and I made my eyes swell up completely almost shut Because he wanted to look like you smoked too And I wasn't so much physical pain. I could barely see But I was like as long as they think and they thought I was they actually I passed the point of being oh, that's cool You burn like you can to like you are too crazy for us Like we're like not comfortable being around you are talking to you. That was like What up fella? My throat's closing up and I was like I'm This is sick. I'm so stoked. I have the munchies where it's closing up. Where's the cheer you up like? Did you guys bring any food? It was great. It was really uncomfortable. Yeah, I know that sounds super uncomfortable And I didn't go home so I was like I want everybody to see me at every one of my classes. Yeah, I'm not kidding like I think this there was one side of my face where I genuinely do and it had spread down my face 'cause anytime I would touch that fresh grass, that fresh cut grass, swollen. - Yeah. I used to wish so badly that I had more allergies. - Have you gotten tested for allergies? - Yes, I'm only really allergic to oak trees, which like that doesn't do much for me. - When I went in for this last rash I had. I don't think I ever came here when I had this last rash, my most recent rash. They took me in, I was like I need a shot, I need like a steroid shot, this is insane. And they took me in there like we're just gonna test you to see what you're allergic for. And they take this, have you seen this thing? It's this big, it's a size of like a MacBook, but long. And I don't have like a ton of real estate on my forearm, I have like pretty, it's just pretty much like scan over my whatever bone. And so but it took up my entire arm, and it's like a grid, and they push it. And they inject you with everything - No, I have single needles when I got one. - Oh my, it's just like one big push. - Did it hurt? - And it didn't hurt. - That reminds me of that toy that you used to like press in, you know, that was all those like- - Yeah, it was like that. - Not needles, but like adjacent, almost like screws. - It was like that, it pricked and prodded me. And then my whole arms swalled up and they go, "Oh, you're allergic to about all these." - Wow. - And they're like do not itch it, do not itch it, this arm now double the size of my other arm? - Well, was it all just like stuff you can find in nature? - Oak tree, Paul. And I was like, "That's why I'm here." Like I know I'm allergic to that. I need a shot in my neck. - Where are oak trees? Like why are they such a big offender? Are they just everywhere? - I couldn't tell you what. - But I couldn't pick out an oak tree. - Can we see an oak, is he? Okay, so that's just like every tree ever seen. - Okay, a tree, yeah. - Oh no, they're gorgeous and they're beautiful. - Wow. - Look at the way they're built. Oh yeah. - Wow, the mighty oak. - That's like sad that like that's like the strongest tree and you say like the mighty oak and like we're so weak. We're allergic to it. - Oh, well, it's just like reminding you constantly. Remember the oak. - Yeah, remember who made you? Remember where you came from, remember who's boss? - Remember your roots. - Yeah. - And remember who's Papa, it's the mighty oak. The mighty oak is Papa. - So, from Maine to Texas, okay. So, in every U.S. state except Alaska and Hawaii, Idaho is native oaks. Do you feel like your allergies are really bad when you're in Idaho? - Everywhere. At some season in every area, I'm allergic to something. - Yeah. - I think California has like really, really bad pollen. Pollen's a big one for me. Pollen. - Yeah, well, pollen will get ya. - But like swelling of the face and throat, ears and neck. - Yeah. - It's whatever. - You take any medication? - I forget. - You should. - I have zero tech in my wallet. - Zero tech. - It looks like I have a condom 24/7. It's a big, it's a zero tech. - That's hot. - Like check it out. Does it your tech? That I won't take. It's for an emergency, 'cause either I can't remember. It either keeps me up at night or it makes me tired and I can't remember what I did. - Probably sleepy. - Can we double check? This is a learning episode for me and my allergies in my body. - I feel like just, 'cause it's like Benadron makes you sleepy. So. - Zero tech can make you drowsy. - Is our tech? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Okay. - Take it before bed. - But I'm not allergic to that. I must sleep. I don't want to take it before bed. - It's tough. It's really hard. - I can't get over me showing you that video thinking I was like showing you Carl Jung, like groundbreaking information and I didn't even understand the same thing. I must have been really tired when I watched that. - Oh, the TikTok that I saw on the way here was so upsetting and I would never, a truly never mom shamed anyone except for this woman. - Okay. - And she thought she did something with this. This video was set to like lullaby like sweet music and she, it was, the caption was like, "I have a metaphobia." So like a fear throwing up. So my husband is taking care of our son with the stomach virus outside and it was her filming, her husband and son on a mattress in the driveway and he like had a bucket and like blankets next to him. Can you imagine your child is sick as a dog, stomach virus, which is traumatizing, especially when you're young. You put him in the driveway. - Guess who's gonna get a metaphobia, by the way. The guy throwing up in a bucket in the driveway. - Like I cannot, like that, I got so upset at that TikTok and I almost commented and I've never, like I've never done anything like that. And I didn't comment, but like she really thought she was like, did something. - Yeah, that would, that'd be one of those you fall asleep like, bang her post and make up and it's like, oh no. - And all of the comments were like, did you, like I can't believe you thought you were gonna get like anyone that agreed with you. And the fact that she's like keeping it up because it's like so viral, like is so embarrassing. - Like I just like have it out for this, for this woman. I think, and I think we all should. - That's gonna be a core memory. I remember the first time, the core memory of when your mom made you throw up in the driveway. - Yeah, I bet this young man's gonna be very, very like, close to his dad and not remember it entirely why. We're so like, trauma bonded as if we had been deployed together and it's like, 'cause you were deployed to the driveway with your mattress and your bucket. I remember when I, so you wanted allergies, I wanted to throw up. - Yeah. - I can't imagine in a million years. - Yep. And I had some stomach bug and I threw up on our tile floor and I was laughing, 'cause I was like, that's insane. I've always wanted to throw up. I'm like, throwing up is real. It was like. - That was your first time. - For me. Yeah, you don't forget your first time. - You know you don't. - I, throwing up for me was like, that's something they do in the movies. They throw up and then they slip in it. And then someone else throws it. I threw up on the ground and I was laughing. So I was like, how, how we laugh? Here, you know, like couldn't catch my breath and then on the breath and from laughing, I threw up again. And then I was like, still kind of laughing and looking around. I was like, and then I threw up again and I was like, no, no, and I was in this cycle of like, then I couldn't catch my breath and I'm just vomiting and it's puddle and then it got really real for my whole and they're like, oh, we gotta like, we gotta stop. This village 'cause it was like vomit everywhere and then I went from like crying, laughing, to like genuinely crying, to like sobbing and then anytime I would get a breath and it would just vomit out. - Ooh, okay, let's move on from that. - Okay, but no bucket, no problem. My mom lets me throw up inside the house. - She, she's a great mom. - Yeah. - I carried around a bucket for years. - I know, your bucket. - Yeah. I wish like that's something that I had saved. - What do you mean? - Oh, your bucket? - I gotta save my bucket, you know? - I think it's good to move on from, from the, your bucket, you know? Like maybe. - It's just could have been a nice keepsake, you know? I could have dazzled it. - That would, yeah, well, I think that, I feel like it might bring back some, it might bring things back up kind of like vomit-wise. - Maybe. - Like a conditioned response, you see the bucket, I need a barf into that. - Do you mind if I change the subject real quick? - No. - It's just like something that I don't even know if I can talk about 'cause of, I don't know if I have the mental health to talk about off-campus right now. - I have stuff too from off-campus. If do you wanna go there now or do you wanna go there later? - I mean, I think just like, let's rip the band-aid off and go there now. - Okay. - This is the last thing I needed. - Yeah. - Is to feel this way about a fictional character. This is the last thing that I needed, because you know what, there's a fine line between pleasure and pain. - Yeah. - And I'm riding, but I'm watching this show. I've only two episodes in, which character are you feeling this for? - Talk about Garrett Graham. - The main guy. - Yeah. - Okay. So I'm two episodes in. - Yeah. - I'm seven and I haven't watched the last one yet, because I'm saving it for tonight. - I'm feeling really proud of myself, 'cause I finally, I heard and I saw people talking about this and I was like, I wanna get involved. - Yeah. - Can I say a couple things, just genuinely, really quick? - You may. - Okay, I kind of wrote them down in bullet points and I wanna make sure I, and don't be offended by these two episodes in, okay? - I won't be offended. I also look, I'm not like, wow, this is the most amazing show. It's just like, I'm in love with this man and I'll probably die from it. - I have some ideas. - Is he, have you been watching? - No. - You don't, like, spare yourself. - I am enjoying the press junkets there on more than I did with any recent show. He'd ravlarate, I didn't really get any. But I like, I like-- - No, Belmont's for kind of amazing, isn't he? - Which one's Belmont? - Garrett. - Oh, I like, I like, they're pretty entertaining to me and they're press junkets. I wanna say something really quick. - Yeah, say it. - Jumping if you need to. - I will. - But I have my own thoughts here. - Okay. - And this is like not a personal, it's personal to me. - You're fine, I don't feel like, I'm not like-- - It's not like me talking about-- - It's not like you talking about, like-- - Hudson Valley and how he dresses and how I don't like it. - No, no, no, this is just like, I'm not like, I didn't read the books, I'm not like-- - Okay. - It's the most amazing story in the world. I am just in love with this man so much that I feel really, really sick. - I, okay, he's how I feel about it. - Yeah, just hard 'cause he's fictional and college hockey player written by a woman and he will never exist, never has. I'll never experience anything like it and I never will. And it just doesn't exist in general. - Yet. - Mm-mm, I don't think it ever could. - That's close-minded thinking. - Which is not like you, you have a very open mind. - Well, all bookboy friends, 99% of bookboy friends are written by women. And that's really scary. - It's an idyllic thing. - It's really scary. - That's a good transition into what I'm about to say. - Okay, 'cause I'm feeling like, again, fine line between pleasure and pain, I think I'm feeling more pain from this. - Okay, I'm jumping in. - Okay, jump. - It kind of almost feels wrong watching this. I feel almost a little bit uncomfortable, because the acting and the storyline is very hallmark movie. And then the soft core porn starts. - Sure. - And I'm pulled out. And it kind of feels like I wasn't supposed to see this and it's on the wrong channel. Like high school musical, the musical, the porn out. - Okay, I see what I'm saying. - And I'm thinking, we're in such a space where this is hitting so often now that I'm wanting, almost, maybe not, encourage me. Maybe watch porn. And hang on, hang on, before you even say that, I think that would bring things back. And I want to say now, and maybe if you're someone that does porn, if you start making it more serialized and create some character arcs, protagonist and antagonist, you may find some major success very quickly. And if you're a theater kid that has an open mind, you're leaving a lot of money on the table here. I'm seeing a huge opportunity across the board, across many industries. And I think if you are in one, and don't see yourself and the other, maybe take a step back and think about it. - Well, you're saying theater kids should start doing porn. - Yeah. - This isn't porn. - Wait, I just shrugged. I know, I'm just saying, we're getting to a place where there's so much of this and everything, and I think that's why it's doing really well, because I think that the hallmark thing with mix with this is like a hybrid of something we've never seen, and I'm saying there's a huge open market for just like people that would watch some really good acting with some sex. - Yeah, well, let's keep it in these TV shows, because I think what people are connecting to is how these sex scenes and intimacy scenes further the story and how they inform the characters that we fall in love with. - What I was thinking is that both are taking a hit on each other and it's like bringing the level of the show down. And I just want to say like for me, I'm watching it, and I'm like, I'm enjoying the show. I'm not like really, really attached, and I do think that it's like very digestible, but I think that it cannibalizes on the storyline and the acting to have the level of like sex scenes that are, I don't know, that's what I think. - Oh, I definitely, I don't agree. I've really preferred some of those scenes. Yeah, it's because you know what I'm doing. - I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm just saying there's an opening on both ends of the spectrum. I just think that for like a TV show, if you want to really connect with people. But I guess like for these-- - Hey, I'm connected. - I know you're connected. - I'm pretty connected. - I can't finish my doc because I didn't think it all the way out, but like I think someone will understand what I'm saying. - We'll circle back once you finish the beginning sequence of episode five. - Perfect. - It won't be for a long time because I won't see you. - Yeah, I won't see you. But hey, I have no doubt in my mind. I'll still be thinking about it. - Okay. - Come a month. - Perfect. - So we're actually all good there. I just feel just so upset and sick because they really like-- - Garagram is like the perfect man and I'm just so aware of the fact that he doesn't exist and that I had-- My college experience really wasn't like this. - I keep forgetting it's college. - Yeah, they're so high school to me. - It's hard to be in love with a fictional college student as a woman approaching 30. It's harder than I would like it to be. - When they-- - My line between pleasure and pain. - When they were drinking, I was like, "Whoa, this is like euphoria." 'Cause I forgot they were in college and not high school because the acting and the storyline is really gives high school. - Yeah, it's well it's college, which is not that much of a difference. - I don't know, it just doesn't feel-- - I think-- - Yeah, as I'm watching this, I'm just so painfully aware that it's not real and it never will be. And I'm hurt. I'm physically hurting. But I'm also, I can't get enough. - That's kind of how I feel when I watch Harry Potter and then I turn it off. And I'm like, "Oh, I want to be a wizard." - Yeah, I want to be a wizard. - I'm in my hotel, I was like eating Chipotle at the bed. - Yeah, that is how I'm feeling about this. - Yeah, my life's like a little bit different than-- - That is really how I'm feeling about this. - Then that, because it's fictional. - Now-- - It's fantasy. - And it's porn. - And it's porn. - A relationship, a really strong attachment to the character of "Garard Graham" on screen. Off screen, I'm having a really strong relationship to the young man who plays his friend, John Logan. - I don't know. - He's the one that Hannah kissed after Garrett, you know, and they were like making out. And she's like, "No, I don't in the jail." - In the locker room. - Yeah, yeah. - I don't blush. Yeah, him. - Yeah. - Antonio Cipriano. - He is-- - Italian. - Yep. They're both Italian. Belman is as well. And he's a theater kid. He was in this musical called "In Pieces." There's this song called "Bloom." Y'all have to go listen right now. It's going to be the number one on my Spotify rap. I'm so sick. He's so talented. And he dated Renee Rap. And he is-- - Yeah. - Yeah. He is who she wrote that song in the kitchen in the living room, dancing in the kitchen a lot. - Oh, wow. - So think about that for a second. - Oh, yeah. - Think about how powerful the emotions have to be to write a song like that. I haven't necessarily ever listened to this song in full. And now I can't because I'm too-- it's too charged for me. But just-- that's a lot of floor. - That's good to know. I didn't know that. - Yeah. - That'll be good to know. - So keep that in mind moving forward. I wish they didn't give him a blow out on the show. 'Cause he is this really gorgeous curly hair. And they are kind of blowing out his bangs in a way I'm not comfortable with on the show. None of these pictures are really doing-- like he is really curly hair. And then the show they like-- he's sweaty in these pictures. So it's like the curls are there. Maybe the first one is he? No, that's a good one. I just-- in the show they're more-- he has more of a blow out. In the show he has more of a blow out. - Okay, we'll just pay attention. - Yeah, I'll just pay attention. - Yeah. And I'm looking forward to his season as well. And yeah, I just feel pretty sick about the whole thing. - I can't help you. - No, no one can. I'm so far beyond help. And I guess this is what people were feeling like with the summer I turned pretty. - I didn't watch that either. - I thought I was a lesbian during that. I'm being so serious. 'Cause everyone was like, oh my god, these boys. And I was just like, I'm not-- I think I must be gay. 'Cause this is something that I should enjoy. Just based off of everything about me. And the fact that I'm not. And the way that my mind works is like I'm gay. But I think the problem here was these two young men. And I don't like to use the word pussy because-- - You're gonna say it. - Especially when referring to a weak man. 'Cause obviously, if you're thinking about the vagina-- - Where are you going, man? - I don't want to equate that to weakness. But like these two were pussies, like genuinely through and through. Garragramism is a man despite him being in college and completely fictional. So that is the disparity there. It wasn't that it was gay. It said these two are pussies. And maybe who knows? Who knows what'll happen with future shows? Maybe I'll be gay again. But right now-- - Super cute, not a match. - So not a match. And I feel even more confident in summer term pretty was not my show. Now that I found my show. - Okay. - And I think I'm now realizing-- This is another reason why I loved heated rivalry so much. I don't feel this type of pain. That story couldn't have happened to me. Whereas it's easy to convince myself with off campus 'cause it's a straight romance. This could have been me and it's not. It never will be. So I think there's not this pain when I'm watching heated rivalry that I'm experiencing this pain with this straight romance that I don't prefer. - I just can't believe this show is having it. - I'm like so sick. I'm like so sick. - Because it is genuinely a home or something. - I know. I'm not saying it's even like an amazing TV show. It's this specific character and the relationship. Everything about him. - You want to fuck the trope. - I love a trope. - I just want a romance is done well. And if they create a fictional man of this caliber. - We just got to the bottom of it. It's like so painful for me. - I get it. - I will never find anyone like this because he does not exist. - Well, you're not in college. - That's what I'm saying. - That's the problem. - That's the fucking problem. - She could not work at more places. - No, she could. - She's like no wonder she's seeing him all the time. You work everywhere on campus. What? I have not seen her back in the locker room even once. She's at the diner. And she's tutoring. And like no wonder their schedules just aren't a match. - It's like I just, I swear. She reminds me, by the way, when she puts on her apron, there's a video, like an OG video of a girl that works in like a fast food restaurant. She goes, and it like pulls her boobs up. Can we pull that, is he, do you know what I'm talking about? Well Brooke, seriously, blankly, I mean, like, where are you going now? I need you just, can we pull that up? Do you know what I'm talking about? Well, type in apron boobs video TikTok. This should be good. Girl tightening apron pizza hot. Thank you, that's what I'm looking for. This is her getting ready to serve him coffee, even though she's late. They're blurring out. No, no, that's not her. No one will see her. No, it is that first video. It's just, she's, this girl is saying I'll never be her. It's, we can watch the first one and then wait until the edit cuts. Is this, 'cause I'll never be him, this girl. Okay. That's her getting ready to serve him breakfast. Do you know that the actress that plays Hannah is 19? Whoa. That's awesome. So she's, she's performing in a role that she literally could be experiencing in real life. She could be. Also, like, the girlfriends of these men are so, so strong. Compartmentalization. Yeah. As much as I've always wanted to date an actor, I could never date an actor. I mean, it goes back, we have this conversation. I have to date a hockey player. I'm really serious. I think it's always been an athlete. That's great. I've always said that. Perfect. Take that, do your thing. So depressed. No, it's great. It's not, it's not great. It's great to have something that you care about and you're, and you can rewatch. I'm not rewatching this. Well, you haven't, last time. You've a booger now hanging out of your nose. Like, I know, okay. I'm just trying to get us from point A to point being done with off-campus conversation. Like, if it takes the booger being out, then that's fine. Okay. But this is a good time to throw in right now that the Brook and Conner cooking video is out on YouTube. I love it if everyone on watch it. We had a really, that was really fun. Something about us in a kitchen. Just like, it really brings out some real, is there any booger? It reminds me of Antonio. No, no. It is just like, we're funny in a kitchen. I was having a really hard time talking and cooking. It was fun. That's not what I said. What did you say? I said, I said, I was having a really hard time talking and cooking. Oh, it was hard. And then you said, it was fun. That's what you want to hear. I had fun. It was a good time. No, it was so much fun. But it was a challenge. Yeah, I enjoyed it. Please go watch it. It was really, really fun. Thank you to Channing for-- She's so good. She definitely stole the show. Always us, so distressed in. Yeah. When they step in-- They are so sealers. They are self-conscious now. I thought you're bugged. Yeah. You got it. I watched it come from your nose and on your finger. Oh, good. That's a good way to pull me from Garrett Graham. Good. Now I know. I know what to do. It's just hard to move forward. It's done. From booger gate. It's all done. OK. I was in Milwaukee this weekend. I'm just trying to get it somewhere. Yeah. Why were you in Milwaukee? I just show. I love it. It was great. I got spend some time in Chicago to you. I love Chicago. I love Chicago, but only from late May to October. Yeah, I forgot that it's bad. But before my flight was yesterday, I flew in. No, day before. Before my flight, I jumped in the lake. And I was just got out and I was like-- You were in Chicago? I flew out of Chicago. Because Milwaukee is my favorite way. OK. Got it. But that's why I was supposed to come in that night. What was the temperature in Chicago? It was 80 degrees. Wow. Yeah. It was really nice. But I love Chicago. Chicago is kind of like this fake city to me. No offense to people in Chicago. I love Chicago. But it's like it not being New York or LA. And that's like my two cities to me. It's like New York LA. And you go to Chicago and it's like, what are you? No, if Chicago didn't have that weather, it would be the most popular city. Yeah. It's amazing. Like New York to me is like, boy, LA to me is girl. And then Chicago to me is like-- Non-binary. Non-binary. In Chicago, they're not non-binary city. Interesting. Yeah. But I loved it. I just adore walking around Chicago and running. I might join, which is really scary to me. When I was there, there was a lot of run clubs. And I was like, this is a city I would probably join a run club in. No. Yeah, which is disgusting to say. It is. I can't believe I just said that publicly. I could see myself in a run club in Chicago. And don't invite me to do it. I'm not going to actually do it. But it's like a fun fantasy for me. It's like I could be to picture myself as like, get ready with me as whatever in Chicago. 5am, I wouldn't be doing the 5am stuff. But like 8am, heading out to a run club. Coffee after with my run club homies. That's like not sounding good to me. But I love that. And then we talked last night, we did a kind of like a live show, an adulting live show. And the young man that opened for us, Chris Higgins, who's so funny, he said that he moved to Chicago because he travels so much that it makes more sense for him to be there than New York. Whoa. He's like, I never thought of just moving to the middle of these. Maybe you should do that. No, maybe. No. I would move to Austin before I moved. I was about to say what you could do as Southern middle. Yeah. Southern charm. Yeah. Um, I, and I just want to say publicly, I was doing a moving in silence thing. I think when, when the gratification I needed was you being like, why didn't you tell me you were doing Netflix as a joke? I'm like, I was like, I'm so awesome. Like the fact that I held that in and I sit by posted yesterday. I think my moving in silence area is coming to an end. And everybody responded to me. You were doing intentional, like waiting for me to ask like, why? No, no, no, no, no. I was just like, I talk about myself so much. And it's just like huge. And this is also bad. And I'm just going to, we're doing, this is kind of like a more philosophical episode. I think then we've done traditionally, but I see everybody winning so much that like people have bigger wins. And I'm like, I'm like, I don't even feel like I need to announce this win, even though it is a win. And then it is. And I'm like, Oh, like that was a really cool thing that I did. Yes. And I didn't talk about it. And it's a milestone that even two years ago, I would have been like one day. And I said publicly on the podcast, someone in the interview and was like, you were talking about wanting to be on Netflix as a joke. And then you do it. But then everyone else that I surround myself with is so successful that I'm like, Oh, I like that one. I'm supposed to win. But so I didn't because I was moving in silence, fuck moving in silence. I totally agree. I want to tell people if I'm hungry and I'm craving ham, hey, I'm craving ham. Because if that relates, if that resonates with one person, then I've done my job. It is not a bad thing to be proud of yourself. I know being proud. But like, there's a difference between being ego to school and being proud of yourself. It's hard when you're in your head. I think it almost like you having OCD might relate. It's like, I post this thing and it's like, shut the fuck up for a minute if you don't mind. Oh, how do you think I felt last 10 months having to post Phoebe every day? I feel like everyone hates me. No. That's not true. That's what you think. And then I don't think that. It's like, that's funny. Oh, yeah. I've convinced myself that everyone thinks I'm so annoying and hates me. And I'm going to do a full like two months offline once, once done. I will say I, I, this cathartic ass episode. That's fine. We need it. Can we just, can we title this cathartic, is it cathartic, Sism? We need it. I don't know. We'll look up a better way to put it. But it's definitely cathartic. Yeah. We're releasing a lot of things here. Yeah. I thought I was a, like this is like completely, we're realizing things. Yeah. Oh, let's, let's title it, realizing things or realize, realize, realize, realize. Okay. Whatever you want. We could talk about it later. Okay. Or now. Whatever you want. I don't know. I just thought it'd be fun for everyone to see like in real time. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I'm working. Celebrating the wins. Yeah. Pose less like that. It was just like, I actually. Narcissist. What I'm about to say. I was like, I think people probably think it's cool that I'm not posting. And then I started posting. And it was like, no one actually gave a shit. So I'm going to start posting and being annoying again, I think. Yeah. Which is great. I have an interesting thing that I always wonder. People like think that I'm humble. Yeah. Because I don't like to talk about like things that I have accomplished, but I don't think I'm humble. Like I think I get really, I actually do get really like privately proud. Yeah. But I'm just so scared to be perceived as annoying. Yeah, me too. Get in line. That it's not me being, it's not humility at all. It's fear of being annoying. That's interesting. Yeah. I don't think I'm humble. Like on the inside, I'm not humble. I'm like, I'm cool. Like this is great. And yeah. But on the outside, I'm not saying it because I don't want to be annoying. Not because I'm humble. Like kind of a similar vein of like that. Oh, everyone else is doing so. Well, why would I even be excited about this, this win? Yeah. I don't know where like to go with that realization, but I think that it's good that it's good to get it out. Yeah. We said it. Yeah. Is there anything else that we need to get off our chest? I guess like now is a good time to do it. I told you, when I get my next therapist, I have a list of things like a lot. on tree list and they'll beat, that'll be cathartic. - Oh, God yeah. - Yeah, there's a lot of things on it. It's actually like all stuff I've said on the podcast, too, which is-- - Do you want to run through some of the first time? - No, no, I'm okay. It's not private. I just like, it will scare me to say it out loud. - Okay, that's fine. - I think in one vein, there is like that thing that you said, you did 9/11 for a long time, you convinced yourself. I kind of have that thing, too, where it's like, I think that I'm secretly evil and I'm getting by every day and no one realizes. And I'm like-- - That is a genuine form of OCD, if like you're thinking you're a bad person. - Yeah, that's what I feel every day. It's like it's based on, it's based not in any truth. - Yeah. - What is that? - OCD. - I don't think that I have OCD. - Well, you've got your therapist about it. - I will. - But so many people with OCD think that they're evil. - Can I say, I don't think I'm gonna kill everybody, but like, okay, maybe if like-- - Well, a lot of people with OCD are like having thoughts like, I'm gonna kill this person like intrusively and like think that that must mean like, I am a bad person and like, that's who I am at my core. - I don't feel that. I don't have any-- - Yeah, okay. - Malice in terms of like killing this person. - I used to have that when I was little and I would think about killing people and then I would be like, maybe that's the real me. (laughs) - Mine's based on nothing. It's just like, oh, I like, like, imposter syndrome I guess is what it is. I was gonna say, you know what I started taking, 'cause I went to the Eastern medicine store. - Possible Uganda? - Nope. That didn't work for me. I went to the Eastern medicine store with me and me when I was home and she was picking up something and I picked up NADH+. - I've heard of that. - Pilots and I picked up El Viennian. - I've heard of both of them. - Taking them both on an empty stomach. I don't know, it could be, it could completely be placebo. I have never felt even in the face of like, true things that should really freak me out. Anxiety, scheduling, big shows, Netflix is a joke, all these things. I have never been more unbothered by anything ever in my life. - For you, Sierra. - I'm serious. - Are these both supposed to be for your mental? - I don't know. - My age, you pick them up. - El Viennian's supposed to help with often combining supplements to target stress and cellular aging. NAD+ supports cellular energy and repair, but I think that it helps your cognition too. So I think maybe that is maybe just working in the background to work through things that are stupid and shouldn't cause me stress. - Got it. - And then El Viennian is like for something too. I guess stress, relaxation and focus. Yeah, hell yeah. That's what I wanted them to do. Wow, I never double checked, but that's great. - I just get so confused with supplements. - Highly suggest these too. And that's not medical advice. It's just working for me. And now I will say that one thing that did cause me a lot of stress was Tom Brady's face recently. - Oh, I didn't see it. - Holy moly, I almost, every day I hold myself back from posting it on my Instagram stories. I don't want it to stick with anybody else, but there's a picture of him. That, no way, no, it's not even that one. Easy, it's this one. Like, sorry, I threw up. It's this picture and he's in front of the Gucci mansion. It's a paparazzi picture. This is what I looked like. They finally took my harmonica at the airport. - No. - No. Yeah, it's that one. - Yeah, so he's just gotten a lot of work done, huh? - That was me thinking that they were about-- - He got that Buckel fat removal. - Yeah, but he's a little bit like, past getting Buckel fat removal. Like, you should have just kept it. - I am all for a fashionable man, but like, he has lost his roots. Well, I think that this is what someone looks like when they're very desperately trying to get their ex-wife's attention. - Do you think? - This is like, when people have their arc in the gym, when they're like, usually it's a guy, and I see it all the time on videos where it's like, we broke up and then I got. Or, no, actually, I've seen like girls do too, where it's just like-- - Girl, yeah, girls do. - I have my arc in the gym. You get like really buff, or you get like really toned, or you get really hot. He's doing an opposite, different third option called get really scary. And he's doing a lot of things that, you know, this is like an NFL superstar legend, and he's doing a lot of interesting moves. And I think that it, there's no way Jacelle is not noticing this young man. - Well, yeah, of course, he's gonna notice. Yeah, that's, wait, who's on the left? - That's him. I've never seen that person. How did he get to the person on the right? Is that natural aging? - I think it would be about a billion or so dollars to get you to the place on the right. But he looks younger now than he did. - I'm so confused. - That's Caucasian James on the far left. - I was gonna say, like, how did he, why was he born as Caucasian James, and then how did he transition to Tom Brady? - Oh, it's incredible. But the reason this photo came up is, 'cause this profile, or this paparazzi photo was genuinely how I was standing wondering what they're gonna pull out of my bag at TSA, and I'm just standing there sucking on my cheeks, just like, and it was my harmonic on. I was like, oh, didn't they take it before? Or they just were inspecting it? - They, it flashes really, really brightly on the chest, right? - Why do you keep bringing it? - 'Cause they shove it back in my bag, and this time they were like, and I was like, just keep it. This has caused me so much trouble. Anyways, that's all I have to say about Tom Brady, but he did sick with me. He's been, that picture of him is in my camera roll, and I will be using that at some point. - I got that. - I will say one quick learning moment for me, which I don't know, do you know what an Americano is? - Like the coffee? - Yeah. - Like I know what it is, but I don't actually know what's in it. Isn't it just like a black coffee, essentially? - Thank you. No, it's not. When I was studying abroad over the summer, and I was-- - Where were you studying abroad over the summer? - I went to, where did I, oh, I guess I didn't leave the country. When I was studying abroad over the winter, when I went to the, when I was in Italy, I kept being like, can I just have a black coffee? And they were like in Americano, and I was like, great. So maybe that's just what they call our cop, 'cause like they don't drink black coffee, they're classy, so. - Okay. - I'm like, yeah, I'll do an Americano, you know, like whatever. And then my hotel that I'm at, the coffee shop that's in it, doesn't have black coffee either, 'cause they're like fancy, and-- - If they have coffee, they have black coffee. - It's like a thing where it's just like, okay, guys, yeah, I'll get an Americano. Like for you guys, I'll get an Americano, but it's like how hard is it to just brew a pot, you know? But I was like, okay, yeah, I'll do an Americano. I've been having them every day, and even with my new, the pills that I'm on, NADH, and almost said Phoebe Berman, and LVNN. - People keep calling her Phoebe Bergman, and that's not sitting, right? - I'm sorry. - And it hits the ear poorly. - Yeah, it doesn't roll. And Americano is three shots of espresso, and I've been having full-blown shaking fits, what's going on with me. I can't drink coffee anymore. I've been cutting coffee completely out of my diet, and then the other day they were like, yeah, you've been drinking three shots of espresso on top of like a second cup of coffee. - Wow. - So my body was completely shutting down. So Americano is just purely espresso and water. - Yeah. - Interesting. - Yeah. - My favorite type of coffee in the world is just diner coffee with cream and sugar. - I like when this spoon hits the porcelain top. - I get to. - I like the noise it makes when everyone's stirring their coffee at the same time. - I like that too. - We have an awesome podcast. - I agree. - Flip that. - Hey. - Hello. - Oh, I can tell you what happened to Milwaukee. That's what I was gonna say. Okay, in Milwaukee I came out, and I opened with, I was like, I'm in Milwaukee. Hello, everyone back. Hello, it was the coolest. - Oh, I love that. We kind of, I can't believe we didn't do that at all today. It really came and went, didn't it? - It was something we're like, I think at the end of the episode, if you were watching the tapes back, we do kind of like, this is annoying. - Oh, it's horrible. - Yeah, no, but we kind of like, we were dying at the beginning of the scene. We're like, no, yeah, yeah, hello. - Oh, hi. - Yeah, it just kind of like lost a spark. Which it's great to see something come and go. - I think it's great, again, quit while you're ahead. It was fun and now it's not. - We nailed it. - We totally killed that one. - Okay, thank you guys for watching, wrapping up on that. And, I'll miss you guys. This is definitely a moment in time that's happening and, you know, thanks for coming along to the ride. Thank you, and thank you so much to everybody who has made this dream possible for a little girl like me and I'm very grateful and excited and nauseous. - Yay, Brock. We're all so proud of you. - Thank you, me too, but I'm too humble to say. - Yeah, kidding. I'm joking. - You would never, well, so you on the other side, which is going to be very, very, very weird. On the other side of your New York Times bestselling book. - Don't say. - I mean, it's like a layup for you. - No. - I'm glad. - Thank you. - Kiss your brain. Thank you guys. We'll see you soon. We have some exciting guests coming up and then we'll have a New York Times bestselling author on the podcast after that. - I liked it. - Thank you. Good night. (audience cheering)