Real Eyes Realize Real Lies

hi welcome back to brick and connor make a podcast hi can't stop thinking back i can't stop thinking about that photo you posted me on your snapchat story last night where i looked completely i looked otherworldly but it was like funny no it's like funny because you don't look like that well i was kind of excited to see it like that because i kind of was like i'm sitting chilling like i like my outfit like i can't wait to see that photo later the chum bucket that's what it looked like an advertising advertisement for the chum bucket it had a nice amount of screenshots it was funny it wasn't even like a uh candid i'm walking but like a bat i was sitting there relaxing yeah it's like a funny bad picture you're fine you will be fine it's it's bad picture you will be okay it had how many screenshots i don't know check you will be so fine how many screenshots that's just like a just like a tough nut to swallow it had no don't tell me yeah tell me 111 six figures no three figures yeah you're you're gonna pull through you know what i know you are mine had a lot of screenshots yesterday too i think it might be a glitch i don't think that that many because i i posted yesterday all i've eaten today is ham yeah and it has 192 screenshots okay can i see the picture it was a good picture it was a good picture let me see i think it was good let me see then good not great i didn't say it was great um hey there must be a glitch you're right my my round i looked you know what what you're not gonna give right now but i started taking creatine are you bulking no that was just like suggested to start taking creatine and it i guess you start withholding water withholding i don't know holding taking on water oh absorb having a little water weight uh just like retaining retaining yeah so there's like some sort of retaining wall happening and i think it's only in my face you're fine look at that picture again look at that picture again it's a bad picture yeah but that was my natural state no let's we're moving when i'm sitting okay you look really tan though i sat out yesterday that's not artificial at all no why'd you just smile like that because i'm lying no i'm excited that you think that it looks artificial because you look really tan yeah thank you it's nice that's what happens when i come to california yeah say say a little bit say well i live here fully i haven't been i haven't left california this month and it is what's today it's the 20th say say say a while thanks yeah you might you might find out you like it i do like it it's really nice give it a chance we were laughing yesterday because brooke um is going for memorial day like the group of theirs is going and she looked up the weather yesterday and found it to be lower 50s in the 50s and and cloudy and raining a thunderstorm and 50s what did you say to me house on the beach i'll be in the lower 50s for now rain and thunder i appreciate that um and then connor was like oh it's not bad like it'll it might turn around turn around and i was like well what are you doing for memorial day and he was like oh i'm staying here the weather's amazing thank you so much stick around you might like it i just like i planned so many things months and months ago when i was mentally well and i was like all of these things will be fun like i want to celebrate phoebe and now that i've entered this space of mental unwellness that now that she's nearing i'm like why did i why did i do anything why did i plan this beach trip that's four more days away i plan i'm playing this big party like why did i do that like why did i i did so much and now that we're here it's like what was she thinking i'm thinking i was she was thinking that she really wanted to celebrate but i'm fine now like i'm good yeah i want to rest like i'm already tired and nothing started i'm so grateful and excited more than more than everything but i'm definitely experiencing some um mental trials and tribulations some restlessness some yeah some restless leg syndrome and and shit like that and obviously like no one thought i was going to be doing well like with the release of a debut novel like let that like that wasn't expected for me to do well and i'm and and that's great and that's fine and so it's just the expected is happening and that's all good and we're ready for it and we're gonna push through and it's gonna be amazing and i can't wait and i won't see you next week because i will be i'll have i'll be away i'm coming no i so next week will we have an episode is it? so we will not have an episode at all next week in honor of miss phoebes mcfieber mcfieber mcfieber she will be out next week phoebe fever that's nausea wait but i'm recording while you're away yeah but there will be no episode there will be no episode next week i don't know when you're recording but then there will be two episodes without me yes so i'll be gone for three yeah well not just me we're gonna have someone someone will be on in her room some in my an amazing in her stead yeah in my stead so i'll be gone and i will miss you all deeply please keep me in your thoughts i'm so excited i'm extremely nauseous um everything should be good and i'm very it's gonna be amazing it's that's like a learning moment too because a lot of times like the things that you build up a great celebration would be to go home and hit the hay you know but you don't realize that but cool now you know that like when you release it and you put out a bunch of things and you're working really hard you're going to be able to do a lot of things you're going to be able to do a lot of things you're going to be able to do a lot of things and it's and it and it is up maybe give it a week before you decide to hit the town you know well my therapist was saying because i was like why did i do this what was i thinking i'm so stupid blah blah blah and she was like that was still you that really wanted to celebrate and like she is still in there yeah you know like that was you so i have to trust myself yeah you're reaping what you what you said yeah at one point in time i believed this was cause for celebration it's and it is it's from from it is from where i'm sitting i'm excited to go to that party yeah so yeah you're welcome you're giving that's that is another weird thing about celebrating your personal win is that like it's for other people kind of like i'm excited to go to that party you're like i would like to go to bed oh yeah it's almost like oh my god yeah sorry i'm really like nauseous yeah that's okay it'll be fun no i know i know i know i know i i love the idea of reaping what you sow remember the correlation we talked about a long time ago about reaping what you sow no it's just like such a correlation between reaping and sowing which is so direct like you've worked so hard and you're about to sow so hard you know you know but it's not sowing you know like stitching right yeah it's sowing is in harvesting your crops and then on the other side if you're not really sowing you're not gonna reap much which is really it's it's hard that's a tough nut to swallow too okay sorry i'm okay are you gonna throw up do you think no i'm not i'm not gonna throw up but this has been for like two weeks i've just been like on the brink yeah thank you it's okay sorry if i'm weird my dog also died yeah your dog your your dog did die my dog died do you want to go into dog now or do you want to it's just been in an emotional time yeah i'm not gonna cry okay but it is weird my my my childhood dog died and it's it's just when it rains of course when it rains of course it just it very much feels like the end of the end of an era and ushering in a new one and it's really scary like she was the last piece of of my youth she was we got i got her when i was in high school and yeah and it's like that time is is done i know that i i am like it it feels really symbolic and in a heavy way that was exactly what happened that's why i kind of didn't talk about it on on the podcast when it happened to me was like i kind of don't want to acknowledge that in a concrete way yeah with my words and put it out in the space but been there and it's not fun so i'm sorry it's okay it's just like wow you get a dog when you're 17 and then and then she dies right before you turn 30 okay heavy heavy heavy yeah yeah anyway i love you cleo you're a good dog rest in power cleo yeah and she is she's amazing yeah i um were we together when i talked about my my my first dog and i got hit by the bus yeah the school bus yeah i was talking about that and kind of as like an icebreaker and it doesn't like you'll get to a space where it's like It is weird and transformative to like have that animal represent a part of your life. And like that's a part of you that's like, okay, wait, that was my last like keepsake of that time. And then it will be like a memory that's like, oh, remember, this was like a big piece of me that I held here. And then you kind of release it in that way. And me talking about my dog getting hit by a school bus fulfilled up with children on their way to school. That's also probably pretty transformative. They probably have that memory that stayed with them, too. So that's that's Rusty's legacy, which I in a comedic sense, I do appreciate that he he did that. Yeah, he left us. And you know what? Andrew Garfield said, what did I don't know? This is not so much about Rusty, but rest in power, rest in power. I wonder if he's with Cleo. One hundred percent. And Saki and Saki. Well, you know, it's amazing. Really quick before you tell us about Lewis Hamilton. What's it? Andrew Garfield. Who is Hamilton? He's a race car driver. I don't I've never don't keep up with it. Don't know why that I was thinking Hamilton. Anyways. Saki dug up Rusty in the backyard. Wow. Max dug up Saki. The baton is being passed from the afterlife. Wow. Which I think is true. The baton, the bone is being passed through the afterlife. Wow. And they're tapping each other in like that. Tick tock trend. That's. Yeah. How beautiful. Digging them up. I'm like that. Maybe let's stop burying the dogs like in the backyard. It is genuinely the circle of life. Yeah, it is. And it happens. Tell us what you know. Woody Allen. I can't remember what his name is. You know who he is. Andrew Garfield. No, I just can't remember his name right now. He said that grief is just all of the love, all the unexpressed love. For that person. Hang on. I'm going to get there. I just need to think. Grief is like when you're expressing grief. It's all the Andrew Garfield. It's just all the love that you can't express. I hope this grief stays with me because it's all the unexpressed love that I didn't get to tell her. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's good. Yeah, it is. And grief looks like many things. Grief can look so different to so many people. Grief could look for you like celebrating people. Yeah. Like Phoebe. Because that could also be a rest in power Cleo. Well, Cleo will be with me during the tour, which is nice that she'll be looking down on me. That's nice. From doggy heaven. I saw the craziest TikTok I've ever seen. This woman I follow who's- Me too. You go first. Well, I'm not going to be able to quote it because it was like the deepest. I just commented hashtag affected me underneath her TikTok because I wanted if people saw it, like every time they like it, you know, you get to go back to the video. And it was, she was talking about her weekend with a coworker and she was like, time is weird. Can I just play it? Sure. It's, it's like, it's, it's going to be like a banker. So we may have to take our time with it. I love that. Yeah. Well, basically just pay attention to what she says about dogs and time passing. Okay. Because it really was like, whoa. Um, like perspective type shit. Let me. Pull it up. Okay. Your weekend. Do you know? How was your weekend? All right. Okay. I started thinking I was just wasting time. What were you doing? Nothing. Just because you're doing nothing doesn't mean you're wasting time. Yeah. But what is time if you don't do something with it? I don't know. Ask a dog. I read once that dogs have a faster metabolism than people. And because of that, time moves more slowly for them. No wonder they're always so hungry at dinner. Did you know that dogs? Smell time? They do. Mm hmm. If they can't smell you anymore, that's how they know you've been gone a long time. One time I tripped and I fell in slow motion, but I hit the ground at full speed. Did it hurt? The full speed part hurt a lot. Full speed always hurts more. That's why I don't like to drive fast. That's kind of how my weekend felt when I was doing it. It felt like slow motion, but when it was over, it felt like full speed. Maybe you should stop looking at clocks and start smelling. Start smelling time, then I'd never make it back to my desk. I know. So I can't remember how that related. That's a, that's a tough one. It's a, it's a thing to even think about teasing apart. Right. What part, especially the part when she said that the weekend was in slow motion, but then when it was over, it was full speed ahead. I think she said that about falling. No, she said it about the weekend when her weekend was in slow motion, but then at the end it was. It was full speed, which that I don't get. It's just like on, on Sunday, you're like, oh my God, I was looking forward to the weekend. And now it's Sunday at 4 p.m. And it's like, this was like the weekend and now it's over. But I don't think I've taken, I took anything away from that. Okay. I thought it was interesting that she said that dogs metabolize faster. So time moves slower. So they live like a very full life on a shorter timeline than us. And they smell time. So like they smell it based on whatever scent that you like. I believe. That makes sense that time has been moving really fast for me because I have an extremely slow metabolism. Oh, I was like, are you, do you have congestion? No, I have a slow metabolism. Maybe you should start smelling time. I'm going to try. Yeah, it isn't. It is an interesting one. Like when things stop smelling, you're like, oh, that much time has passed that like my car doesn't smell like that rotisserie chicken I ate last week. Well, sometimes you can smell time in the sense that smells transport you. Like when I, there's this one hand sanitizer that we use in third grade that is just like the, the most, the biggest smell in my life I think would be that hand sanitizer. And I remember I smelled it once in 12th grade again and it was, I was just had the most existential pit in my stomach. Like, I can't believe that all that time has passed and I like felt like a third grade, like I was just so aware of time when I smelled that hand sanitizer again. If I were to smell that hand sanitizer now, I would drop dead. That's how I feel about the hand sanitizer that everyone seemed to have during COVID that was just like 99% alcohol. Do you remember that? They used to have these big sacks. It wasn't Purell. It was just off. No, it was like this crazy hands. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? The like big sacks of 100% alcohol we used to put on like before eating. I smell that now. This hand sanitizer? It was, it actually smelled so good. It was this large blue foam me bottle similar to the white bar neutral that we just put all over ourselves during the ad reads. It was, Izzy, would you mind looking up large bottle of blue foamy hand sanitizer for schools? That should do it. I'm sure it could be used anywhere else as well, but. Oh, no, they don't. They don't know. No, it's the like the inside is blue foam. It's like a little bit of a blue foam. did have it had spread down my face because anytime i would touch that like fresh grass that fresh cut grass swollen yeah i used to wish so badly that i had more allergies have you gotten tested for allergies yes i'm only really allergic to oak trees which like that doesn't do much for me when i went in for this last rash i had i don't think i ever came here when i had this last rash my most recent rash um they took me in i was like i need like a shot i need like a steroid shot this is insane and they took me in they're like we're just gonna test you to see what you're allergic for and they take this have you seen this thing it's this big it's the size of like a macbook but long and they and i don't have like a ton of real estate on my forearm i have like pretty it's just pretty much like skin over my whatever bone and so but then it took up my entire arm and it's like a grid and they push it and they inject you with everything no i had single needles when i got one oh my it's just like one big push did it hurt and it didn't hurt that reminds me of that toy that you used to like press in you know that was all those like it was like that not needles but like adjacent almost like screws it was like that it pricked and prodded me and then my whole arm swelled up and they go you're allergic to about all these wow and they're like do not itch it do not itch it they're like oh my god i'm allergic to all these and they're like do not itch it do not itch it this arm now double the size of my other arm what was it all just like stuff you can find in nature oak tree paul and i was like that's why i'm here like i know i'm allergic to that i need a shot right neck where do you where are oak trees like why are they such a big offender are they just everywhere i couldn't tell you i couldn't pick out can we see an oak is he okay so that's just like okay yeah great oh no they're gorgeous and they're beautiful look at the way they're built oh yeah wow the mighty oak that's like sad that like that's like the strongest tree and you say like the mighty oak and like we're so weak we're allergic to it oh well it's just like reminding you constantly remember the oak yeah remember who who made you remember where you came from remember who's boss remember your roots yeah and remember who's papa it's the mighty oak the mighty oak is papa so oh from maine to texas okay yeah it's found in every u.s state except the last in hawaii idaho has native oaks do you feel like you're like your allergies are really bad when you're in idaho everywhere at some season in every area i'm allergic to something yeah i think california has like really really bad pollen pollen's a big one for me pollen yeah well pollen will get you but like swelling of the face and throat and ears and neck yeah it's whatever you take any medication i forget you should i know i have these years you're taking my wallet it looks like i have a condom 24 7 it's a big it's a zero tech that's hot yeah like check it out it's a zero tech that i won't take it's for an emergency because it either it either i can i can't remember it either keeps me up at night or it makes me tired and i can't remember probably sleepy can we double check this is a learning episode for for me and my allergies yeah my body i feel like just because it's like benadryl makes you sleepy so zero talk can make you drowsy zyrtec yeah yeah okay take it before bed but i i'm not allergic right i'm asleep yeah i don't want to take it it's tough it's tough it's really hard i can't get over me showing you that video thinking i was like showing you carl jung like groundbreaking information and i didn't even understand for the sake of that i must have been really tired when i watched that oh the tiktok that i saw on the way here was so upsetting and i would never truly never mom shame anyone except for this woman okay she like and she thought she like did something with this this video was set to like lullaby like sweet music and she it was the caption was like i have emetophobia so like like a fear of throwing up oh so um my husband is taking care of our son with the stomach virus outside and it was her filming her husband and son on a mattress in the driveway and he like had a like bucket and like blankets next to him and i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry can you imagine you go outside your child is sick as a dog stomach virus which is traumatizing especially when you're young you put him in the driveway guess who's gonna get emetophobia by the way the guy throwing up in a bucket in the driveway like i i cannot like that i got so upset at that tiktok and i almost commented and i've never like i've never done anything like that and i didn't comment but like she really thought she was like did something yeah that would that'd be one of those you fall asleep being like banger post wake up and it's like oh and all of the comments were like did you like i can't believe you thought you were gonna get like anyone that agreed with you and the fact that she's like keeping it up because it's like so viral like is so embarrassing like i just like have it out for this for this woman i think and i think we all should that's gonna be a core memory i remember the first time the corner when your mom made you throw up in the driveway yeah you're i bet that this young man's gonna be very very like close to his dad and not remember it entirely why we're so like trauma bonded as if we've been deployed together and it's like because you were deployed to the driveway with your mattress and your bucket i remember when i what i so you wanted allergies i wanted to throw up yeah i can't imagine in a million years yep and i had some stomach bug and i threw up on our tile floor and i was laughing because i was like that's insane i've always wanted to throw up i'm like throwing up is real it was like that was your first time for me yeah you don't forget your first time no you don't i throwing up for me was like that's something they do in the movies they throw up and then they slip in it and then someone else throws it i threw up on the ground and i was laughing so hard like how like how we laugh here you know like couldn't catch my breath and then on the breath in from laughing i threw up again and then i was like still kind of laughing and looking around i was like haha and then i threw up again and i was like no no and i was in this cycle of like then i couldn't catch my breath and i'm just vomiting in its puddle and then it got really real for my whole family like oh we gotta like we gotta stop the spillage because it was like vomit everywhere and then i went from like crying laughing to like genuinely crying to like sobbing and then any time i would get a breath and it would just vomit out oh okay let's move on from that okay but no bucket no problem my mom lets me throw up inside the house she it she threw up inside the house and then i threw up inside the house and then i threw up inside she's a great mom yeah i carried around a bucket for years i know your bucket yeah i wish like that's something that i had saved what do you mean oh your bucket saved my bucket you know i think it's good to move on from from the your bucket you know like maybe it just could have been a nice keepsake you know i could have bedazzled it that would yeah well i think that i feel like it might bring back some it might bring things back up kind of like vomit wise maybe like i can respond you see the bucket i need to barf into that do you mind if i change the subject real quick no it's just like something that i don't even know if i can talk about because of i don't know if i have the mental health to talk about off campus right now i have stuff too from off campus if do you want to go there now or do you want to go there later i mean i think just like let's rip the band-aid off and go there now okay this is the last thing i needed yeah is to feel this way about a fictional character this is the last thing that i needed because you know what there's a fine line between pleasure and pain yeah and i'm riding that line watching this show i've only two episodes in which character are you feeling this talk about garrett graham the main guy yeah okay so i'm two episodes in yeah i'm seven and i haven't watched the last one yet because i'm saving it for tonight i i'm finally i'm feeling really proud of myself because i finally saw i i heard and i saw people talking about this and i was like i want to get involved yeah i want can i say a couple things like just genuinely really quick you may okay i kind of wrote them down in bullet points i want to make sure i and don't be offended by these i'm two episodes in okay i won't be offended i also like i'm not like wow this is like the most amazing show it's just like i'm in love with this man and like i'll probably die from it i have some ideas is he are you have you been watching no you don't like spare yourself i am enjoying the press chunk it's there on more than i did with like any recent show like heated rivaler i didn't really get any like but i like i like belmont's freaking amazing isn't he which one's belmont garrett oh i like i like they're pretty entertaining to me and they're press junkets yeah i want to say something really quick yeah say it um jump in if you need to but i have i have my i have my own thoughts here okay and this is like not a personal it's personal you're fine i don't feel like i'm not like i'm not like it's not like me talking about it's not it's not like you talking about like hudson valley and how he dresses and how i don't like it no this is just like i'm not like i didn't read the books i'm not like okay the most amazing story in the world i am just in love with this man so much that i feel really really sick i okay here's here's how i feel yeah so it's hard because he's fictional and a college hockey player written by a woman and he will never exist never has i'll never experience anything like it and i never will and it just doesn't exist in general i don't know i don't know in general yet i don't think it ever could that's closed-minded thinking all which is not like you you have a very open mind well all book boyfriends 99 of book boyfriends are written by women and that's really scary it's an idyllic thing it's really scary that's a good transition into what i'm about to say okay because i'm feeling like again fine line between pleasure and pain i think i'm feeling more pain from this okay i'm jumping okay jump it kind of almost feels wrong watching this i feel almost a little bit uncomfortable because the acting and the storyline is very hallmark movie and then the soft core porn starts sure and i'm pulled out and it kind of feels like i wasn't supposed to see this and it's on the wrong channel like high school musical the musical the porno okay i see what you're saying and i'm thinking we're in such a space where this is hitting so often now that i want to engage in a little bit of a conversation with you about this because i'm feeling like i'm going to be a little bit uncomfortable with this because i'm feeling like i'm going to be a little uncomfortable with this because i'm feeling like i'm going to be a little bit uncomfortable almost maybe not encourage people maybe we maybe watch porn and hang on hang on before you even say that i think that would bring things back and i want to say now and maybe if you're someone that does porn if you start making it more serialized and create some character arcs protagonists antagonists you may find some major success very quickly and if you're a theater kid that has an open mind you're leaving a lot of money on the table here i'm seeing a huge opportunity across the board across many industries and i think if you are in one and don't see yourself in the other maybe take a step back and wait you're saying theater kids should start doing porn yeah this isn't porn wait i just shrugged i know i'm just saying we're getting to a place where there's so much of this and everything and i think that's why it's doing really well because i think we're getting to a place where there's so much of this and everything that the hallmark thing with mixed with this is like a hybrid of something we've never seen and i'm saying there's a there's a huge open market for just like people that would watch some really good acting with some sex yeah that well let's sex let's keep it in the in these tv shows because i think what people are connecting to is how these sex scenes and intimacy scenes further the story and how they inform the characters that we fall in love with i'm what i was thinking is that both are taking a hit on each other and it's like bringing the the level of the showdown and i just want to say like for me i'm watching and i'm like i'm enjoying the show i'm not like really really attached and i do think that it's like very digestible but i think that it cannibalizes on the storyline and the acting to have the level of like sex scenes that are it's i don't know that's what i think oh i definitely uh i don't agree i've really preferred preferred some of those scenes yeah it's because you know i'm not disagreeing with you i'm just saying there's an opening on both ends of the spectrum i just think that for like a tv show sure if you want to really connect with people but i guess like for these hey i'm connected i know you're connecting i know you're connected i i'm i can't finish my thought because i didn't think it all the way out but like i i think that someone will understand what i'm saying we'll circle back once you finish the it won't be for a long time because i won't see you yeah i won't see you but hey i have uh no doubt my mind i'll still be thinking about it okay come a month perfect so we're actually all good there i just feel just so upset and sick because they really like the garrett graham is like the perfect man and i'm just so aware of the fact that he doesn't exist and that i had i my college experience really wasn't like this um and i keep forgetting it's college yeah they're so high school to me it's hard to be in love with a fictional college uh student as a woman approaching 30 it's harder than i would like it to be when they find a line between pleasure and pain when they were drinking i was like whoa this is like euphoria because i forgot they were in college and not high school because it gives the acting and the storyline is really gives high school yeah it's well it's college which is not that much of a difference but i think i don't know it just didn't it doesn't like feel i'm only i think yeah as i'm watching this i'm just like so painfully aware that like it's not real and it never will be and i i'm hurt i'm physically hurting but i'm also i can't get enough that's kind of how i feel when i watch like harry potter and then i turn it off i'm like oh yeah i want to be a wizard i'm in my hotel room just like eating chipotle in my bed that's that is how i'm feeling about this yeah my life's like a little bit different than that is really how i'm feeling about than that because it's fictional now it's a fantasy while i'm having a relationship with a person who's not a really strong attachment to the character of garrett graham on screen off screen i'm having a really strong relationship to the young man who plays his friend john logan i don't know he's the one that um hannah kissed after garrett you know and she they were like making out and she's like no i don't in the locker room like i i don't blush yeah him yeah um antonio cipriano he is italian yep they're both italian um belmont is as well um belmont is as well and he's like i don't know he's like i don't know he's like i don't know and he's a theater kid he was in this musical called in pieces there's this song called bloom y'all have to go listen right now it's going to be the number one on my spotify wrapped i'm so sick he's so talented and he dated renee rap and he is yeah he is who she wrote that song in the kitchen in the living room dancing in the kitchen oh wow so that's so think about that for a second oh yeah think about how how powerful the emotions have to be to write a song like that i i've i haven't necessarily ever listened to the song in full and now i can't because i'm too it's too charged for me but just that's a lot of floor that's good to know i didn't know that yeah that'll be good so keep that in mind moving forward i wish they didn't give him like a blowout on the show because he has this really gorgeous curly hair and they're kind of like blowing out his bangs in a way i'm not comfortable with on the show i can't none of these pictures are really doing like he has really curly hair and then the show that they like he's he's sweaty in these pictures so it's like the curls are there maybe the first one is he no that's a good one i just in the show they're more that he has more of a blowout in the show he has more of a blowout yeah i just paid him yeah and i'm looking forward to his season as well and yeah i just feel pretty sick about the whole thing i can't help you no no one can i'm so far beyond help and like i guess this is what people were feeling like with the summer i turned pretty i didn't watch that either i thought i was a lesbian during that i'm being so serious because everyone was like oh my god these boys and i was just like i'm not i'm i think i must be gay because like this is something that in i should enjoy but i'm not i'm not i'm not just based off of everything about me and the fact that i'm not and like the way that my mind works is like i'm gay um but i think the problem here was like these they're these two young men like and i don't like to use the word pussy because especially when like referring to like a weak man because like obviously like if you're thinking about the like vagina where are you going what are you saying i don't want to equate like that to weakness i don't want to equate like that to weakness i don't want to equate like that to weakness but like these two are pussies like genuinely through and through garrett graham is a is a man despite him being in college and and completely fictional so that is the disparity there it wasn't that i was gay i said these two are pussies and maybe who knows who knows what'll happen with with future shows maybe i'll be gay again but right now super cute not a match so not a match um and i feel even and more confident in summer turn pretty was not my show now that i found my show okay and i think i'm now realizing like i this is another reason like why i loved heated rivalry so much is like i don't feel this type of pain like i didn't that's that story couldn't have happened to me you know whereas like it's easy to convince myself like with off campus because it's a straight romance like this could have been me and it's not it never will be so i think there's not this like pain when i'm watching heated rivalry that i'm experiencing this pain with a straight romance that i don't prefer i just can't believe this show is having enough i know i'm like so sick i'm like so sick because it is genuinely a hallmark i know i'm it's i'm not saying it's i'm not saying it's even like an amazing tv show it's this specific character and like the relationship and just everything about him you want to fuck the trope i'm i love a trope i just like when a romance is done well and if they create a fictional man of this caliber we just got to the bottom of it it's it's it's like so painful for me i get it i will never find anyone like this because he does not exist well you're not in college i that's what i'm working at working six nine to five that's the freaking problem she could not work at more places no she couldn't like no wonder she's seeing him all the time you work everywhere on campus what i have not seen her back in the locker room even once she's at the diner and she's tutoring and like no wonder their schedules just aren't a match it's like i just She reminds me, by the way, when she puts on her apron, there's a video, like an OG video of a girl that works at like a fast food restaurant. She goes, and it like pulls her boobs up. Can we pull that? Izzy, do you know what I'm talking about? While Brooke stares blankly at me like, where are you going now? I need you to just, can we pull that up? Do you know what I'm talking about? We'll type in apron boobs video TikTok. This should be good. Girl tightening apron pizza hut. Thank you. That's what I'm looking for. This is her getting ready to serve him coffee, even though she's late. They're blurring out. No, no, no. That's not her. You see her? It is that first video. It's just, this girl is saying, I'll never be her. We can watch the first one and then wait until the edit cuts. This is because I'll never be him. This girl. Okay. That's her getting ready to serve him breakfast. Do you know that the actress that plays Hannah is 19? Whoa. That's awesome. So she's, she's performing in a role that she literally could be experiencing in real life. She could be. Okay. Also like the girlfriends of these men are so, so strong. Compartmentalization. Yeah. As much as I've always wanted to date an actor, I could never date an actor. I mean, it goes back. We have this conversation. I do. I have to date a hockey player. I'm really serious. I'm really serious. I think it's always been an athlete. That's great. I've always said that. Perfect. Tick tock. Do your thang. So depressed. No, it's great. It's not. It's not great. It's great to have something that you care about and you're, and you can rewatch. And now I'm not rewatching this. Well, you haven't last. You have a booger now hanging out of your nose. Like I know. Okay. I'm just trying to get us from point A to point being done with off campus conversation. Like if it takes a booger being out, then that's fine. Okay. This is a good time to throw in right now that the Brooke and Connor cooking video is out on YouTube. I'd love if everyone wouldn't watch it. We had a really, that was really fun. Something about us in a kitchen. Just like it really brings out some real, is there any reminds me of Antonio? No, no. It is just like, we're funny in the kitchen. I was having a really hard time talking and cooking. It was fun. That's not what I said. What'd you say? I said, I said, I was having a really hard time talking and cooking. And then you said it was fun. That's what you want to hear. I had fun. It was a good time. No, it was so much fun. It was a challenge. Yeah. I enjoyed it. Please go watch it. It was really, really fun. Thank you to Channing for. She's so good. She was really, she definitely stole the show. Always us. What is Tristan? Yeah. When they step in and they are, um, so I'm self-conscious now about your book. Yeah, you got it. I watched it come up every time from your nose and on your finger. Oh, good. Good way to pull me from Garrett Graham. Good. Now I know, I know what to do. Um, it's just like hard to move forward. It's done from Booger gate. It's all done. Okay. Um, what was I going to say? I was in Milwaukee this weekend. I'm just trying to remember. I was just trying to get us somewhere. Yeah. Why were you in Milwaukee? I had a show. It was really great. It was great. I got to spend some time in Chicago too. Like I love Chicago. I love Chicago, but only from like late May to October. Yeah. I forgot that it's bad, but I like before my flight was yesterday. I flew in. No day before, before my flight, I jumped in the lake and I was just got out. I was like, well, you were in Chicago. I flew out of Chicago cause Milwaukee. Oh, got it. But that's why I was supposed to come in that night. What was the temperature? Chicago. It was 80 degrees. Wow. Yeah. It was really nice, but I love Chicago. Chicago is kind of like this fake city to me. No offense to people living in Chicago. I love Chicago, but it's like it not being New York or LA. And that's like my two, the two cities to me is like New York, LA. And then you go to Chicago. It's like, what are you? No. If Chicago didn't have that weather, it would be the most popular city. Yeah. It's amazing. Like New York to me is like boy, LA to me is girl. And then Chicago to me is like. Non-binary. Non-binary in Chicago, the non, non, non-binary city. Interesting. Yeah. But I love that. I just adore walking around Chicago and running. I might join, which is really scary to me. When I was, when I was there, there was a lot of run clubs and I was like, this is a city I would probably join a run club in. No. Yeah. Which is disgusting to say. It is. It's a, I can't believe I just said that publicly. I could see my, I could see myself in a run club in Chicago. What? And don't invite me. If you invite me to do, I'm not going to actually do it, but I, it's like a fun fantasy for me. It's like, I could be to picture myself as like a, get ready with me as a whatever in Chicago, 5am. I wouldn't be doing the 5am stuff, but like 8am heading out to a run club, coffee, coffee after with my run club homies. That's like not sounding good to me. What would you. But I, I love that. And then we talked last night, we did, um, kind of like a live show, an adulting live show. Yeah. And the young man that opened for us, Chris Higgins, who's so funny, he said that he moved to Chicago because he travels so much that it makes more sense for him to be there than New York and LA. He's like, cause I never thought of just moving to the middle for ease. Maybe you should do that. No, maybe no. I would move to Austin before. I was about to say you could do a Southern middle. Yeah. Southern charm. Yeah. Um, I, and I just want to say publicly, I was doing a moving in silence thing. I think when, when the gratification. I needed was you being like, why didn't you tell me you were doing Netflix as a joke? And like, I was like, I'm so awesome. Like the fact that I held that in and I sit by posted yesterday, I think my moving in silence area is coming to an end and everybody responded to me. You were doing intentional, like waiting for me to ask, like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was just like, I talk about myself so much and it's just like, and this is also bad and I'm just going to, we're doing, this is kind of like a more philosophical episode I think than we've done traditionally. Yes. But I see everybody winning. So much that like people have bigger wins and I'm like, I'm like, I don't even feel like I need to announce this when, even though it is a win and then it is like, that was a really cool thing that I did and I didn't talk about it and it's a milestone that even two years ago I would have been like one day and I said publicly on the podcast, someone DM me and was like, you were talking about wanting to be on Netflix as a joke and then you do it. But then everyone else that I surround myself with is so successful that I'm like, Oh, I like that one. I post this little win. But so I didn't cause I was moving. I was moving in silence. Fuck moving in silence. I totally agree. I want to tell people if I'm, if I'm hungry and I'm craving ham, Hey, I'm craving ham because if that relates, if that one, if that resonates with one person, then I've done my job. It is not a bad thing to be proud of yourself. I know being proud, but like it's, there's a difference between being egotistical and being proud of yourself. It's a, it's, it's hard when you're in your head. I think it almost like you having OCD might relate. It's like I post this thing and it's like, shut the fuck up for me. If you don't mind. Oh, how do you think I felt the past 10 months having to post Phoebe every day? I feel like everyone hates me. No, that's not true. But that's funny because that's what you think. And then I don't think that it's like, it's funny. Oh yeah. I've, I've convinced myself that everyone thinks I'm so annoying and hates me and I'm going to do, I'm going to do a full like two months offline once, once it's done. I will say I, I, this cathartic ass episode. We need it. Can we, can we just, can we title this cathartic? Is it cathartic? We need it. I don't know. We'll look up a better word to put it, but it's definitely cathartic. Yeah. We're releasing a lot of things here. Yeah. You just almost like, you were like, I thought I was a lesbian. Like this is like completely, we're realizing things. Yeah. Oh, let's, let's title it realizing things or realize, realize, realize. Okay. Whatever you want. We can talk about it later. Okay. Or now, whatever you want. I don't know. I just thought it'd be fun for everyone to see like in real time how our brains are working. Celebrating the wins. Yeah. Posting. Well, it was less like that. It was just like, I actually, narcissist, what I'm about to say. I was like, I think people probably think it's cool that I'm not posting. And then I started posting and it was like, no one actually gave a shit. So I'm going to start posting and being annoying again, I think. Yeah. Which is great. I have an interesting thing that I always wonder. People like think that I'm humble. Yeah. Because I don't like to talk about. Like things that I have accomplished, but I don't think I'm humble. Like, I think I get really, I actually do get really like privately proud, but I'm just so scared to be perceived as annoying. Yeah. Me too. Get in line. That it's, it's not me being, it's not humility at all. It's, it's fear of being annoying. That's interesting. Yeah. I don't think I'm humble. Like on the inside, I'm not humble. I'm like, I'm cool. Like, this is great and yay. But on the outside. I'm not saying it because I don't want to be annoying. Not because I'm humble. That was like, kind of the, a similar vein of like that. Oh, everyone else is doing so well. Why would I even be excited about this? This win? Yeah. I don't know where, like to go with that realization, but I think that it's good that. It's good to get it out. Yeah. We said it. Yeah. Is there anything else that we need to get off our chests? I guess like now is a good time to do it. I told you when I get my next therapy. I have a list of things. a laundry list yeah they'll be that'll be cathartic oh god yeah yeah there's a there's a lot of things on it it's actually like all stuff i've said on the podcast too which is do you want to run through some of it no no i'm okay okay it's not private i just like i it will it will scare me to say out loud okay that's fine i think in one vein it there is like that thing that you said you thought you did 9-11 for a long time you convince yourself i kind of have that thing too where it's like i think that i'm secretly evil and i'm getting by every day and no one realizes and i'm that is that is a genuine form of ocd of like you thinking you're a bad person yeah yeah that's what i feel every day it's like it's based on it's based not in any truth yeah what is that ocd i don't think that i have a therapist about i will but can i see some people with ocd think that they're evil can i say i don't think i'm evil like i'm gonna kill everybody but like okay maybe like this is very people with ocd are like having thoughts of like oh i'm gonna kill this person like intrusively and like think that that must mean like i am a bad person and like that's who i am at my core i don't feel that i don't have any malice in terms of like killing i used to have that when i was little and i would think about killing people and then i would be like maybe that's the real me mine's based on nothing it's just like oh like i like imposter syndrome i guess that's probably what it is i was gonna say you know what i started taking because i went to the eastern medicine store nope that didn't work for me i went to the eastern medicine store with mimi when i was home and she was picking up something and i picked up nadh plus i've heard of that and i picked up um l-theanine i've heard of both of those taking them both on an empty stomach i don't know it could be it could completely be placebo i have never felt even in the face of like true things that should really freak me out anxiety scheduling big shows netflix is a joke all these things i have never been more unbothered by anything ever in my life are you serious i don't i'm serious are these both supposed to be for your mental i don't know what made you pick them up uh l-theanine is supposed to help with often combining supplements to target stress and cellular aging nad plus supports cellular energy and repair but i think that it helps your cognition wow too so i think maybe that is maybe just it's just working in the back end of work through things that are stupid and shouldn't cause me stress got it and then l-theanine is like for something too i guess stress relaxation and focus yeah hell yeah that's what i wanted them to do wow i never double checked but that's great i just get so confused with supplements highly suggest these two and that's not medical advice it's just working for me and now i will say that one thing that did cause me a lot of stress was tom brady's face recently oh i didn't see it holy moly i almost every day it i i hold it in my mouth hold myself back from posting it on my instagram story because i don't want it to stick with anybody else but there's a picture of him that yeah no wait no it's not even that one izzy it's this one like sorry i threw up it's this picture and he's in front of the gucci mansion it's a paparazzi picture it's this is what it looks like they finally took my harmonica at the airport they confiscated it yeah it's that one he's just gotten a lot of work done huh that was me thinking that they were about he got that that buccal fat removal yeah but he's a little bit like past getting buccal fat removal like you should have just kept it i am all for a fashionable man but like he has lost his roots well i think that this is the this is what someone looks like when they're very desperately trying to get their ex-wife's attention do you think this is like when people have their arc in the gym when they're like usually it's a guy and i i see it all the time on videos where it's like we broke up and then i got or no actually i've seen like girls who too where it's just like yeah girls i have my arc in the gym you get like really buff or you get like really toned or you get really hot he's doing an opposite different third option called get really scary and he's doing a lot of things that you know this is this is like an nfl superstar legend and he's doing a lot of interesting moves and i think that there's no way giselle is not noticing this young man well yeah of course she's gonna notice yeah that that's wait who's on the left that's him i've never seen that person how did he get to the person on the right is that is that natural aging i think it would be about a billion or so dollars to get you to the place on the right but he looks younger now than he did so confused that's caucasian james on the far left i was gonna say like how did he why was he born as caucasian james and then how did he transition to tom brady oh it's incredible but the reason this photo came up was because this was this profile or this paparazzi photo was genuinely how i was standing wondering what what they were gonna pull out of my bag at tsa and i'm just standing there like sucking on my cheeks just like and it was my harmonica and i was like oh didn't they take it before or they just were inspecting it they it flashes really really brightly why do you keep bringing it because they shove it back in my bag and this time they were like we gotta and i was like just keep it this is causing me so much trouble anyways that's all i have to say about tom brady but he did sick with me he's been that picture of him is in my camera roll and i will be using that at some point i get that i will say um one quick learning moment for me which i don't know do you yeah like i know what it is but i don't actually like know what's in it isn't just like a black coffee essentially thank you no it's not when i was studying abroad over the summer and i was where were you studying abroad over the summer i went to where did i oh i guess i didn't leave the country when i was studying abroad over the winter when i went to the when i was in italy i kept being like can i just have a black coffee and they were like an americano and i was like great so maybe that's just what they call our cop because like they don't drink black coffee they're classy so i'm like yeah i'll do an americano you know like whatever and then my hotel that i'm at the coffee shop that's in it doesn't have black coffee either because they're like fancy and if they have coffee they have black coffee it's like a thing where it's just like okay guys yeah i'll get an americano like for you guys i'll get an americano but it's like how hard is it to just brew a pot you know but i was like okay yeah i'll do an americano i've been having them every day and even with my new the pills that i'm on nadh and i almost said phoebe berman and ldn people keep calling her phoebe bergman and that's not sitting right i'm sorry and it hits the ear poorly yeah it doesn't roll um an americano is three shots of espresso and i've been having full-blown shaking fits what's going on with me i can't drink coffee anymore i've been cutting coffee completely out of my diet and then the other day they were like yeah you've been drinking three shots of espresso and i've been having full-blown shaking fits what's going on with me three shots of espresso on top of like a second cup of coffee wow so my body was completely shutting down yeah americano is just purely espresso and water and water yeah interesting yeah my favorite type of coffee in the world is just diner coffee yeah with cream and sugar i like when the spoon hits the porcelain i do too i like the noise it makes when everyone's stirring their coffee at the same time i like that too we have an awesome podcast i agree flip that hey hello hi oh i didn't tell you what happened in milwaukee that's what i was gonna say okay in milwaukee i came out and i opened with i was like oh milwaukee hello everyone back hello it was the coolest oh i love that we kind of i can't believe we didn't do that at all today it really came and went didn't it it was something we're like i think at the end of the episode if you watch the tapes back and forth it's like oh my god it's like oh my god it's like oh my god it's like we do kind of like we're like this is annoying oh it's horrible yeah no but i we we kind of like we were dying laughing at the beginning of the end we're like no yeah no yeah hello oh hi yeah yeah just kind of like lost its spark which it's great to see something come and go i think it's great again quit while you're ahead it was fun and now it's not we nailed it yeah um we totally killed that one okay thank you guys for watching uh wrapping up on that and uh i'll miss you guys oh yeah this is definitely going to be a lot of fun definitely a moment in time that's happening and you know thanks congratulations thank you and thank you so much to everybody who has made this dream possible for a little girl like me and i'm very grateful and excited and nauseous yay brooke we're all so proud of you thank you me too but i'm too humble to say yeah kidding i'm joking you would never we'll see you on the other side which is going to be very fun and we'll see you on the other side which is going to be very fun and very very very weird on the other side of your new york times best-selling book i mean it's like a layup for you um congrats thank you kiss your brain thank you guys we'll see you soon we have some exciting guests coming up and then we'll have a new york times best-selling author on the podcast i liked thank you good night Thank you.