"RE-RELEASE: Chelsea Handler"

(upbeat music) - Sean. - Yeah. - I gotta tell you something. - Okay. - Really important. - Okay. - We're recording right now. - Yes, yes, yes, yes. - The show is starting. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it hasn't started, but it's-- - This is the show. - Yeah, but it hasn't. Technically started. - No, but this is-- - No, of course it started because it's rolling. - I know, but this isn't the show. - This is the party for a show. - No, this is the show? - No. - Sean, stop waiting for your life to start. Man, you're in it. This is smartness. - Smart. (upbeat music) - Smart. - Smart. - Smart. - Smart. - Smart. - Smart. - Smart. - Hey, you know what I did last night? I didn't even tell you guys. I went to the John Williams concert at the Hollywood Bowl. - Oh, this sounds awesome. - Oh, yeah. - No kidding. Now I know why you didn't tell us. - Yeah. - Come on, John Williams. Let me tell you something. John Williams. - Are you still up? I mean, sounds like a rager. - It was amazing. Here's this guy, John Williams. Amazing conductor. He's 89 years old. - I know. - Getting out there. - Conducting. - All of the songs we love. ET, Waiters of the Lost Dark, Star Wars. All in this new stuff. It was incredible. - I wanted to go to that. Now, did he do a lot of the conducting? - He did the second half. Yeah, the first half was David Newman. - Yeah. - It was also great. But it was amazing. I know, I nerded out. - The Mozart night that you sent me. I'm so bummed I'm not here before. - Yeah, I said, "Jay, let's go see Mozart." - Yeah, Sean and I are going to have a classical music date. Under the stars. - Jason Bridget, you said yes, you thought, 'cause you thought it was the thing was cutting out. You thought it was Mozzarella. And you were like, "Yes, I'm in." And then it turned out it was Mozzarella. And you were like, "Oh, not as interesting." - He's like fried Mozzarella. - Granddad, choke, you've done. (laughing) - Guys, here, today's guest. - Okay, okay. Oh, get down to business, Sean. - She's an amazing woman. I love her. She's a friend of all of ours. And boy, does she make me like, she's been a stand-up comedian basically her whole life. - Less red, Sean. Less red. - I try to find the words. - I don't know how to do it without reading. - And boy, do I love her. She has her. (laughing) I do love her. She's-- - She means so much to us. - She's done everything. She's done specials acting, gig hosting, and she does everything. Here's what I love. She's opinionated, she's fearless, she's hilarious, she's gorgeous, and gay men can't get enough of her. - Really? - It's my friend. And our friend, Chelsea Handler. - Chelsea. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. - Chelsea. - There she is. - I white guys in one room. - That's right. We're gonna get some more to join us later. - Where are you, Chelsea? Are you at home? - I am in my office. No, I'm in Las Vegas, actually. I had a show here last night. - 'Cause you're on tour. - I'm on tour, so yeah. - What's the name of the tour again? The unvaccinated one. - No, it's called vaccinated and horny, Sean. - Yes. - We came up with that together. - Is it truly? - To see it a little respect. Yes. - Right, we came up with that. - Vaccinated and ready to rumble. - Is there a subtitle? Says everybody should get a little prick. - No, it's just the tip is the subtitle. But thank you for your, thank you. I'd love to spitball with you guys. - Yeah, this workshop. - After we already named the tour. So yes, let's keep doing it. - Chelsea, thanks for joining us and thank you for bringing up adjacent's punch ups that he's actually trying to give you. (laughing) - I love adjacent's punch ups always. - They're cheap. - So are you staying in Vegas for a while or is it just one of the stops there? - No, I just had a stop here. I'm headed to, I'm just on tour. So it's different cities every day. Next, just all over the country. All the places you wanna go. Cincinnati, Grand Rapids, Michigan, places like that. You Florida, Jacksonville. - Do you like constantly moving and touring? Like does it get, or do you miss home base and being still? - It's like a shark, she can't stop. - Yeah, no, I'm over. I like to, I don't like to sit still for very long. Sean came with that tour once, last year or two years ago. - Two years ago, yeah, it was so fun. - Yeah, you complained the entire time. - I did, we'll tell us. - Yeah, let's hear it. - Oh, it was such a pain in the air. - Oh, was he in like an opening act or was he choreographer? - No, I don't know. - No, no, this is, no, no. I read Chelsea's book Life will be the death of me. Mostly because Chelsea called me and asked me and you go on tour with her and chat about it and said, but she said, "You actually have to read the book." - Oh boy. - So I read the book. - And it's so crazy. So you had to learn how to read. Then you had to get the book. - But I laughed out loud. I was, you know what I was when I read that book? I was like enlightened. Like you taught me things. I brought up with you on the tour. It was, I was filled with insight about who you are and why you are. All those things. And in the book, you talk about your, you know, one of the things to talk about you in that book was your brother passed away when you were like nine and he was older than you. And obviously, you know, I want to ask you this. You know, something like that never leaves you and has a tremendous impact on a child of that age. But for those of us who haven't suffered like a loss like that as a child, how did that inform you going further like through your teenage years and adulthood and does that still inform you in certain ways? - Well, I think, you know, when it happens, you just like your nine year old person, so you can't even really articulate what's happening or digest it in any real way. It just feels like abandonment or rejection. So you kind of pack it away and then just distract yourself for the next 35 years. And until it fucking comes and taps you on the shoulder and then you have to address it with a professional. Like once your anger stops working for you in that way and you become too angry, which is what happened to me, then you sit down with somebody and you're like, you pay somebody to tell you what the fuck is wrong with you, right? That's a transaction I like therapy. You're paying someone to tell you, you know, why you're acting like such a cunt. So it was a process of just understanding that many of my behaviors were a reaction to what happened to me as a little girl and the inability to ever really healthily deal with that. And digest it kind of turns you into maybe somebody that you're not or maybe it is your personality, but it makes you kind of assess yourself. You want to, it's the gift of self-awareness. You want to reflect and go, oh wait, is this why I'm so impulsive? Is this why I don't want to be, you know, this is why I love being single and I don't have to depend on anybody, you know, all of that stuff. - All of that stuff, yeah. - Well, I think it's amazing though, because yeah, all that's there. - Sorry, did you want to interrupt me again? Sean, for fuck's sake. - So sorry, you know, I live for it. I live for you, okay, just to keep going, sorry. - But I want to, well, we were talking about that because so Sean came to Chicago, the Chicago theater, right? We performed at or you interviewed me at, and the whole time he was just like, you know, complaining about the flight out and he had to bring Scotty, of course, which is obviously an added bonus, anytime you have to deal with Sean, it's better to have Scotty around. - Okay, man. - 'Cause it's like his name. - This is true. - And we had a great conversation on stage, right? - Yeah, it was so fun. - Yeah, we had a great time. And then you just kept asking me how much I was going to reimburse you for the trip. - Right, yeah, by the way, still waiting. - How much you making, how much you got when you sold your house? - Yeah, he loves to talk about money. - I love it. - I love it. - Yeah, he loves it. - My name makes the world go around. I like to know how it makes the world so. - Speaking of money, when you're in Vegas, do you like the tables? Do you like the slots? You got to lose slots that you prefer? - Yeah, I play Black Jack a lot. Although, Will and I were in Vegas once and we played Crap's. I had never played Crap's before. And that was fun. 'Cause Will knew how to play Crap's and your other friend. What was your friend's name, Will? - Beast, Mark Foreman. - Beast. - Yes, beast. - Yeah, you lent him money. In fact, he was like, he worked for me at the time. And he still does, works with me. But now, but he had no money and he was like, no, I don't want to, and you're like, take some money, just grab some of her chips over to him. Like, your beast, just take this. And he was like, oh my God, what the hell was fucking? - Now, which else, when we worked on tour two, I'm just fascinated with your family and your upbringing because there's some crossover in the mind too about how kind of just screwed up it was. But I remember you telling me that your mom, no, no, wait, your dad was Jewish and your mom was Mormon, right? My mom was Mormon and my dad is Jewish, yeah. - So what religion was forced upon you if any growing up? And did you? - Well, not fucking Mormon because we all told my mom to take a long walk off of a long pier. And we didn't take that seriously. Once I realized, we broke it down. My dad was the dominating person in that marriage and my mom was German. So she came over after the war. So we weren't about to take anything seriously that she said. You know what I mean? He was Jewish and she was gonna just shut up about being German for a long time until things blew over from World War II. So we-- - Did she marry him out of guilt? That would have been-- (laughing) - I think, I think maybe that had something. They had a quite a love affair, my parents. He met her in a ski store. He was buying ski socks. - Sure. - And he saw her legs-- - Just the socks. - No way. - Yeah, just the socks. He didn't ski either. He just went in there to buy a size 12 pair of socks or something like that, you know? Anyway, they had a love affair. My mother agreed to raise all her children Jewish. So I thought my mom was Jewish until my brother died. And then it was a big thing because, you know, in Judaism, Jews all have to be buried in a Jewish cemetery together. So when they had to buy my, like, a plot of graves when my brother died and they wanted to buy one for both of my parents. And I remember our rabbi was at our house and he's like, Rita, my mother, isn't Jewish. She can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery. And I was like, that was the first diet heard of it. And I was like, what do you mean mom's not Jewish? What's mom? And, you know, I was nine. So nobody really took my feelings seriously or into account. They just thought, she doesn't really understand what's going on. And then when my mom did pass away, she never converted to Judaism. She was Mormon. Like she wore the undergarment. She had missionaries at our house all the time. - Wow. - And so when she did pass away, my dad was like, "Listen, we have to have, "we're having a Jewish funeral for your mother "so that she can be buried next to your brother." And we're like, "Dad, this is such bullshit." Like all of her Mormon friends are coming to the funeral, like they're all at our house, we can't do that. He's like, "Don't make eye contact with any of those people." Okay, we just have to get through the funeral. - Oh my God. - And I was like, "My family was so fucked up, "we couldn't even get funerals, right?" Oh my God. - What a crazy world to imagine. Here is somebody, she's your mom. She's your dad's wife. Everybody loves her. Your dad has these feelings. He wants her to be buried next to her son. Like all this fucking, like, it's all about love and love of people. And there's fucking religion, whether whichever one it is, take your pick. Sticking his fucking nose in and ruining the experience of people who are just fucking grieving and in love with each other. And that is such fucking bullshit. Like that is crazy. - Yeah, well, what's crazier is that he was naked in our kitchen a week later with his cleaning lady. So he obviously took my mom's death very hard. - What his feet were warm all back, right? Did he keep just the socks? - Yeah, he had a socks on. - Yeah. That's where, yeah. That's where he-- - He took your mom's death semi-hard. - Nice. - I heard it. - The rumor was. - The rumor was-- - Right into his socks. - Now, what about any of the Mormon stuff make its way into the house or is it more like if the father is a Mormon than there's a lot of wives around and kids around or do you come from a big family? - I dare you. - First of all, how dare you? - I'm not sure. I'm rusting on all this stuff. - Unmormonism? - Yeah, well, we actually lived in Salt Lake City for a while. So I know it sort of kind of, but not really. Anyway. - Yeah, it's kind of adjacent to a lot of people, like a lot of us. We kind of know a little bit. I remember I read the book of Mormon. My mom, 'cause my mom got religious after my brother died. You know, everybody handles their grief like that. Like people get sick, they get religious, they get angry, they hide it in a way. My mom got really back involved with the church. Because before that, she was just carrying on like a Jewish mother, like at all of our botnitzvahs, and bar mitzvahs, my brothers and sisters. I'm one of six kids. My mom would be on the Bema at Temple singing Hebrew prayer. So when I found out she wasn't Jewish, I was like, wait, what? So it was very confusing. But my mom converted my one sister, Shashana, she became Mormon, too. She's now finally recovering from that. But I remember reading the book of Mormon when I was like 11. And I just-- - How does the Mormon church even allow a Shashana in there? Shashana should be in that way. - Yeah, right. You can't get through this door, I do. - They'll take anyone. Exactly. There's no prerequisite. - Yeah. - Shash, well, your parents, like, it's kind of a boring question, but I'm interested. Were your parents supportive in you going in comedy or the entertainment business at all where they're like, what are you doing? I don't understand what you're going there. - No, my parents went, you don't understand the kind. I was a hell on wheels when I grew up. I was just, whatever anybody told me to do, I did the opposite and told them to fuck off, you know? Teachers, any authority figures, both of my parents. So by the time I moved to LA, I think I was 19 years old when I came out to LA. And they were just like, this is the right thing. You should go. Everyone was so over me and my family that they were happy. I was leaving. And I was telling the story of the other day, my brother, I was driving cross country. My dad was a used car dealer. So he gave me this like, Audi Quattro. This used Audi Quattro, which I knew was going to break down as soon as I got a cross country, if I even made it. And my brother, being as protective overprotective, said, why don't you, I met this bartender last night in a bar, and he's wants to go cross country too. Why don't you drive with him across country? So you're not alone. And I was like, and he goes, it's safer that way, Chelsea. And I was like, yeah, but this isn't a great endorsement. I mean, you just met this guy last night at a bar. But of course, I was like, sure. So I pick up the guy. I don't remember his name was Andy Dick. Andy Dick. Yeah, it was Andy Dick, actually. It was David Spade and Andy Dick. And he was two guys, the guy was two guys, it was twins. I was like, oh my god, he said one guy. And they just started multiplying. And the guy says to me, he goes, hey, do you want to go get some Coke in the city for the trip? And I was 19. And this is before I was a baby. Was it, man, that you picked up? I was, I do like Bateman's cocaine stories, but it wasn't. Guys, let her do the big reveal. All right, you're jumping ahead. And the guy goes, let's get some Coke. And I was like, all right, so we drive into New York City. He picks up his Coke, right? We're in the car. I don't even know if I had ever done cocaine at this point of my life. And we get in the car and we're driving. It's like a five hour drive. We left from New Jersey. And I think we ended up somewhere in Maryland because we were heading down south to go down that whatever route it is. And we get to a hotel room. We get two beds. And we get, we check in and he starts doing the Coke. And I was like, really the first night? I was like, what, how's this going to work? And then he got maps out. Sure. This was before, you know, our cell phones, we got maps out. And he was laying them all across the room while he was snorting Coke and trying to figure out different routes that we could take. And I was like, oh, my fucking god. Sounds like a great night. He should have laid down the Coke in the wrap. Happening. And he was so annoying. And he wouldn't shut up. He just kept talking and talking. I go, dude, you gotta stop talking. I have to sleep. I'm driving. Clearly, you're never going to be able to drive again because there's a hound of cocaine in our room. And you're either, and then I was like, is what if he dies on my watch? So I was like, you're going to try to kiss your first? Did he try to kiss you then? Yeah, of course. Yeah. I go to sleep. I woke up. He was inside of me. Yeah. I go to sleep. [LAUGHTER] But it wasn't hard though. I wake up. And he's still up from the night before. With the maps, and he's like, I think we could go this way. And I think we could go this way. And I was like, there's no way this is happening. So I take my suitcase. I go, hey, I want to go put our stuff in the car. I take both of our suitcases. I leave his right outside our room. And I take mine. I put it in the trunk. And I just pulled out of that like Maryland hotel that we were in and drove the rest of the way across country by myself and left him about five hours out. I've been here from him again. My brother was like, once I got to California, I was like, thanks a lot for that idiot. And he goes, I heard you left him in Maryland. I was like, yeah, I did. And he said, yeah, he had to take a taxi all the way back. He said it was $2,000. [LAUGHTER] By the way, telling the taxi driver where to go and which route is best. Still. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, that taxi driver. It was probably-- yeah, that taxi was like, actually, it was $500 until you started talking. So now it's $2,000. And we will be right back. And now back to the show. So when you got out to LA, you're 19 years old. Yeah, you're cool. And you're on the fucking freeway. What do you go? What's the first stop? What would you want to do? I just wanted people to hear. I just felt like I had strong opinions. And I thought I had a lot of misplaced confidence. And I believed that people would benefit from hearing what I had to say. Like I really believed that my own thoughts were valuable. And that I was going to make a contribution in some way. I think I was just thirsty for the attention to be honest. That's just basically what it was. But I wanted to make it into something a little bit more sophisticated. And then I lived with my aunt and uncle who lived on Beverly Glen. They had nine children. And I became their kind of nanny. And I would drive these kids to school every morning in a minivan while I was listening to Stern. And I just started waiting tables. And then I was like, all right, what the fuck am I going to do out here? Like how am I going to get discovered? I just assumed somebody would see me and be like, oh, OK, come with us. And what was first? Did you just-- did you go to the comedy story? Did you go to the improv? Did you get an agent? What was first? Well, I went to-- I got a DUI when I was 21 years old. Unusual root start. Unusual. Yes, unusual. And I'm expected quite frankly. And I'd like to note that I have never had one since because I like to learn my lesson the first time and make it the last time. But anyway, I got my DUI and I had to go to DUI classes, which is basically a system that they put you in where they teach you how to get out of your next DUI. So they tell you, like, if you get pulled over the minute you say you've had something to drink, you're screwed. Like you always have to say, no, deny, deny, deny. And I was like, wait, what is this class? You're just basically teaching us how to avoid getting arrested again and being paid for by the state. And then everyone had to get up and tell their DUI story. And so I was really, really scared because I didn't like public speaking and I didn't know. So I would just kind of hide in the back of the class every week, like, don't fucking pick on me. I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know what my story is. And on the very last class, he was out of people. And I had to get up. And I remember just like, you know, when you're so nervous, you're like, leg is shaking. And I just was like, oh, my god. And I got up there. And I started telling my story. And everyone just started laughing and laughing. Because I called the cop racist. We were both white, you know, everything I did. I was in civil brand county jail for like 24 hours because they couldn't get me out of the system until they got me into the system. And here I am, this white, entitled little Jersey Jewish girl who was like, what? Civil brand. I just found the biggest, fattest, black woman I could find. And I was like, let's be friends. And after that, after I spoke, and I did that, people were like, you should do stand up. And then I thought, oh, that's a great idea. I should do stand up. You know, you on stage alone with a microphone is exactly what you're after. Yeah. So that's when I started doing stand up. So I, I do credit that DUI class with giving me the idea because people, if people hadn't said that to me, I don't know that I would have thought about doing stand up on my own. But it's interesting that it was in there, it was in there before you got up there. You just didn't, you just needed some kind of something to pull it out of you. Yeah. Yeah. A little outlet to pull it out of me. Did you ever think about tracking down that police officer who busted you in and thanking him for your career? No, I haven't thought about that. I was waiting for, I was actually going to wait for you to do that well. That's something you feel comfortable doing. Of course, I do. Of course. So, Charles, you know, it's, it seems like in like the last decade or so, you've been, you've gone from your unbelievably hilarious stand up to and television shows where, you know, your humor comes out from everything from like observational comedy to friends and family, everything in between. But then a shift happened where you got into kind of more political and world issues and that mattered to you and that you still feel passionate about. And what was that turning point for you? Was there an event or something that, that, you know, shifted your focus a little bit? Yeah, it was called the election, Sean. Of 2016. No, I didn't know before that. I didn't know if it was before that. No, I mean, that just really got me to a place where I just thought, oh god, America's going to be over. Yeah. We're a pass A. And that's when your book and that's when you wrote your book and yeah, so that was like, I went through a really difficult time. It was after, right? It was my Netflix show was ending and I, I, that's when I got into therapy and I was just so, it's like, you know, they say your anger, everything works for you until it doesn't, right? Yeah. And that was kind of when everything came to a head for me where I was emotionally just like, oh, I need to get some help here. Like, I'm not doing great anymore. And what was working for me before isn't working for me now. So there was a big shift in that and I got really political, you know, and people got really annoyed by that. And I was, but I felt like I had to. I just couldn't be quiet about that. I just couldn't. It's like, if you don't say something, then what does that say about you? And I'm not like that, you know, I wish I could shut up sometimes. And before that, you weren't just as, I don't know, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but like in tune to politics or you weren't as affected by them in that way. Is that fair? No, I was attuned to politics. It's attuned, to not intune. And I was affected by it, but I know I always have to correct you, but I was, it was going well. We had Barack Obama. And I thought things were changing. I in my naive, you know, little bubble. I'm like, oh, the world's a great place. Look at America thriving. So I wasn't as vehement and and loud, you know, until until that. Did you feel that, did you, were you, were you satisfied or pacified that what you were doing was affecting some change? Or was it just enough to sort of just be able to speak your mind? And if anything good comes from it, then great, but until then, at least I'm speaking my mind. Well, I did a lot of stuff. Like I went on a tour across country to colleges and campuses to, to, you know, debate conservatives to talk about the election to understand why people did that. And I worked really hard for so many candidates that ended up getting elected in the midterm. So you do feel like it is fruitful when you can see like a tangible event, you know, or a concrete evidence, I should say, of your efforts. And not just mine, obviously, millions of people were doing the same thing as I was. So yeah, it felt really good. It felt good to be involved in that process. It felt full on, you know, and just like everything in my life, I do everything like 150%. And then, you know, I'm like, okay, I'm done with this, you know, and then we get this president and we're dealing with this shit and you're just like, oh my god, it's never ending. This kind of cycle. So I've stopped reading the paper for the last couple weeks because it's just, it really does tax you and it raises your blood pressure and you want to be an effective club. I'm serious. I'm serious. No, no, no, I, these guys know I talk about it all the time that I, about a year and a half ago, I turned off all the cable news things in my DVR. I can't take it anymore because I was like, well, ultimately, you're, you're, first of all, it's not like you're not going to find out about the stuff that's going on. It's virtually impossible in the world that we live in. And I don't need to be reminded of a 24/7. And I don't need to have it affect me to the point where I feel I got to hit the word toxic, but toxic, where, where it's just like, it feels like it sort of permeates your entire being at all times. Yeah, it's a bummer. It's a big bummer. We'll be right back. I mean, sorry. Yeah, let's, let's change the subject. There we go. I mean, she's just fucking out. So Sean, you said on this path of destruction. I know. And you ruined it. She's doing a comedy tour for fuck's sake. Let's get back to religion. No, we'll get back to religion. That's Jason. No, we saw the hot, but how about gambling gambling? Let's talk about let's talk about six. What about what about puppies? How about animals? You love animals, right? Let's talk about some animals. Oh, my animals do not respect me, you guys. Along with my family, for the first time during COVID, I was like, fuck this. My dogs think that I'm, they think my housekeeper is their rescuer. And they treat me like I'm their conservator. They are, it was, it was so deep. It do moralizing being alone with my dogs for the first time during COVID. And I went to Whistler. I went skiing because I love to ski. And I thought, well, I'm not going to spend four months in L.A. in my house. I'll go to Whistler. And I had my dogs for the first time alone with me. They would just look me in the eye and just spot piss, you know, in our plane. Yeah, I know it. Look me in the eye. Yeah. Like, are you fucking, are you kidding me? That you think you're going to look after us? Right. I would take them for, I took them for a walk. The first day I'm in Whistler. I'm in this little private neighborhood, right? And I'm taking my dogs for a walk probably for the first time since I got them. Let's be honest. And because I had to go to Whistler alone, you know, it was COVID, you could nobody could get in. And, and so I'm walking them. And they're, their brother, sister, chow chow. They're from the same litter and their rescues. I want to put that in there just so Pete, it doesn't touch me up. I've had problems with them in the past. Sure. So I took them for a walk one morning and this woman, and I didn't have them on leashes because my dogs are so lazy, they can't even run, you know, they're just like, and I'm walking around the corner and this woman sees them. She goes, oh, and I'm like, really? She goes, there's no leashes. Leashes on the dogs. And I said, they're not aggressive. Like, okay, I'll get the leashes, but they're not going to do anything. She's like, it's not for me. It's not for me. I mean, somebody might see them and think they're bears. And they're like, they're like one feet tall. They're both wearing handkerchiefs first of all. So nobody's going to think that. But yeah, my dogs after I took them from Whistler, I just, my, my cleaning lady was like, when I came home, I realized like, I just, that was abusive to take them with me because I don't have the same level of attention to them that she does. You know, I, I don't know if she has peanut butter in her underwear or what she's up to. But those dogs, when they're with her, they thrive. And when with with me, it feels like they're going to cross over. I'm going to put jelly in mine and just come over and we're going to be okay. That doesn't work for dogs. Unless you have a, maybe a cat. Do you have a cat? Oh, you do have a cat. I don't have a cat. No, it's got to be. You should. All right. So listen. Charles, you know, you go ahead, Sean, you got another question. Fuck it. Yeah, don't let anybody else chime in here on. Oh my god. Go get lost. I've talked on this podcast and we started. I know. By the way, I've listened to this podcast, Sean. And this is the most you've spoken. So just because I get excited when I see you. Jason's on his only fans page. Look at Jason. Look at him down there. He wishes he knew what that was. Are you kidding? What is only fans? Is there you go? What is only an event? Truly. Is that a, is that a thing? Yeah, it is a thing. You'll find anybody want to do it. Now that you've heard it once, you'll hear it again. Unbelievable. Charles, I heard you on your, by the way, you have a fantastic podcast. I love it. You're so funny. And you on it, you said, um, you were talking about something about few, funerals. Like, I can't remember. Oh, getting hit on it. A funeral or not. Did you say it was okay to get hit on a funeral? It's not okay. No, it's not okay. I mean, it's not appropriate. And even if you liked a man or were into him and wanted to have sex with him, if he did that at a funeral, it's so not hot that you can never do that. What about your crying? You need a shoulder to, to cry on. And he just has that happened to you as somebody hit on you. What have it's open casket? No, but I heard a story recently about two very famous people at a funeral, making out. No way at my friend. Yes. And she told me that they were on top of each other at a memorial service. Oh my God. Making out like tongue kissing. And I'm like, you fucking have to be kidding me. It's so. Well, it was at the, it was at the wake. It wasn't at the ceremony, right? No, it was at a memorial, but still, it's still, whatever, it's still memorial, and it's still fucking hot as are really rude. Interesting, but depends. Were they good looking people? Yeah. It depends. Yeah, they're both good looking people. Well, that's pretty fucking great. I mean, watching good looking people make out, I don't care where you are in front of a casket. That's going to, that's right. And there's celebrities. So they should be able to do whatever they want. There's celebrities. Let them do what they want. They're just like us, but they're not. Wonder if anybody got a stiff. Get it? Hey, Charles, let me answer something else. You know, for the. Oh my God, Sean, Sean, we got a pause there for a second. Hold on a second. We're Scotty. Sean, we're. I hope those doors behind you burst open. Somebody comes with piano wire and strangles you right now. Just fucking that's it. Fucking Sean's. Okay, wait. You could take this microphone wire, Sean, and just do it. Do it myself. No, just I wanted to know for real though, because for the time that I'm known you, You seem like you're always, always, always on the go, go, go, go, go, go, non-stop. Who is your constant when you come back home? Or, you know, then you hear this word a lot, like camp Chelsea. Like who's in your camp? Or who are your constant people that you come back to all the time that you're like, "Ah, now I'm home." - My family is like that. My family and I are pretty tight. So we spend a lot of time together. We go on vacation a lot together. - Oh, that's good. - There are a lot of them are in New Jersey, but, you know, not my dogs, obviously. And my family is pretty much my constant. I mean, my friends, you know, I have different groups of friends and lots of friends. And LA has been my home base for a long time, but I don't ever spend a long duration of time in LA. I go in and out. Actually, COVID was the longest amount of time I ever spent in LA and my sister invaded my house with her three adult children, because apparently parenting never fucking ends. And I have, you know, designed my life in a way that I never want to have children living in my house. So she came down for COVID for three months with her three adult children, 24, 21, and 18. And they stayed for three months and then I put the house on the market and sold it so that would never happen to me again. - How are you serious? - How did you let that happen? - I, well, was my sister. So, obviously, I can't say no to family. But I thought, "Oh, this will be fun." I had, you know, the room. I have this great fun house. And so they all came down and then all of a sudden I was doing dinners every night. At 7.30, with, you know, three kids and every night somebody would cry. And then one, oh, and then my nephew, who, my nephew, he's 24 years old. He's a sports journalist and he was, he was getting really frustrated during COVID, you know? He's like, "I can't date, I'm like date." But he, like, people are dying. We're in a global pandemic. - Yeah. - So one night, I go to school. - She's like, "Do you know any funerals I could go to to pick up some tricks?" (laughing) - Wait till somebody else dies in our family. We can hook you up. (laughing) So he had an outdoor, like an outdoor date in my backyard and my sister goes, "Let me get you out of the house. You're getting really irritated with everybody." And I was like, "Okay, let's, "so we went for drinks at a friend's house." Probably Mary's. And we came back and he was at my kitchen counter. My, my 24-year-old nephew, my first born nephew, okay? And he is acting like Ernest Hemingway. Just sitting at, you know, just, you know, really buzzed and really frustrated, running his hands through his hair. Like, he'd never been through so much. And I was like, Jake, did you get, you know, did you get some penetration? What happened? I was like, "No, Chelsea, of course I didn't." And it's not funny. - It was all backed up, huh? - And I looked at him and I was like, "No, fucking way, am I listening?" I'm like, "Is this boy frustrated because he's horny?" And I couldn't believe it. So I walked upstairs to my bedroom and my sister came up an hour later. She's like, "Sorry about that." I go, "Oh, sorry about that." Your job is to listen to your son and talk about how sexually frustrated he is in the middle of this pandemic. What, or, do you know, I'm horny too, but I can't fuck anybody because you guys won't get the fuck out of my house. (laughing) So anyway, they left after that. - I would have come over. - Sean, you've always been an amazing lover. I love having a sexy beach on. He doesn't. I mean, I mean, especially when you can't shut the fuck up while we're having sex, you know. You just drill me with one question after another. - I don't drill you with my penis, just question. - No, you drill me with questions. (laughing) - And now back to the show. Chelsea, you are in the middle of your tour or the beginning of it or the end? - I'm in the beginning of it. Announce 30 dates and I am announcing 30 more. So I'm gonna be on tour for the next year. So it's pretty fun. - Wow, wow, wow. - We kicked it off at the Santa Barbara Bowl. I opened the Santa Barbara Bowl after two years. It was closed, so that was epic. It was the night of the full blue moon. So it was just such a great vibe. - Sounds great. - I love that. - And yeah, it's fun to be on tour. It's fun to be a reason people are coming back together for the first time and big groups and, you know, my crowds are safe and they're vaccinated. So I have, you know, faith in that. And yeah, I'm just loving doing standup again. You know, I wanna get back to like-- - Did you have a chance to work on your material even though there weren't a lot of places that were open during COVID? - Yeah, yeah, I had a, I mean, I have been, I've been, yeah, getting up for the last two months, putting my new hour together. But there's so much material from COVID, you know, trying to have sex during COVID. I had to get my own COVID test at my house. And then I would invite men over to the backyard that I was getting set up with or whatever. And I'd give them a little nasal swab and it'd take like 20 to 30 minutes to run the diagnostics on that. - There's nothing sexier. - And in that 20 to 30 minutes, I would interview them, you know, about see if they were a potential penetrator. And if they said anything in that time that was annoying or I saw a pinky ring, I would just come back out and say, "You're positive. "You have to leave my house, though." - Oh, thank you, man. - If anybody mentioned a aquarium, they're positive, like just. - Yeah, anybody who said masks don't work, it's like get out of my house, I can no longer fuck you. - Right, right, wow. - Hey, Charles, when you go on tour like you are, and do you have like a thing after the show's over where you like, like any rituals or anything where you meet and greet? - Where you come back to the hotel where you are, do you do something or just like, straight to bed or how late do you stay up? - Yeah, I do a VIP meet and greet for other people that get the best tickets, we do pictures after. But when you're on tour, it's pretty grueling. Like, being on stage for an hour and a half a night or an hour or whatever it ends up being is like, I'm 46 years old, so I gotta keep it tight. I don't really, you know, go out and party like I used to when I was on the road where it didn't matter. And I, you know, it didn't matter. You just, now it's like, you want to be sharp, you want to have mental clarity. So, no, I don't really get after it in that way. And it's like usually four nights a weekend, you know, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday night. - Right, do you ever go out and see other people stand up? Do you ever? - Yeah, yeah, I do. I have been lately. - Like anybody you're a fan of now? - Yeah, a lot of stand-ups. There's Hannah, I, a lot of amazing women opening for me. Hannah, I'm Binders, awesome, from Hacks. She opens for me, she opened for me in Vegas. Vanessa Gonzalez is a great female stand-up. A lot of women of color are opening for me, obviously, because that's, you know, you want to give that stage time to everybody who hasn't gotten a fair shake at it. - For sure. - And, yeah, I just use different people all the time. And I just love to bring girls in. And, yeah, I love that. - I mean, what was the question, John? - No, that's it. Yeah, John, what was the fucking question? - He wants to know what you do after, 'cause we're gonna do a real stupid thing. We're gonna go on tour. Like, like, like-- - Oh, yeah, I thought that. - We're dumbasses. And so, Sean, I guess, is trying to figure out what his post-show routine is gonna be. - He wants to base it up for what you do. And he wants to know, like, can we hit the bars? Can he mingle it up with people? - Or maybe just go back the hotel, getting the shvits. And-- - And where he's gotta do, like, "No, it's gotta him at home." And, like, "Shut up, you guys." - No, no, no, no. - Well, these two guys, these two guys are sober, so they're not gonna be going out with you, right? - Right, but we can drive. We can drive him. Yeah, maybe we'll drive you around. You can go get after him. - Actually, Sean, it depends how much you're contributing during the live shows, you know? If it's as much as you've been contributing to the podcast, yeah, you'll be free to do whatever you want to do. - Yeah, you'll be free to do whatever you want to do. (laughing) - You'll be free to do whatever you want to do. - You'll be free to do whatever you want to do. - I do want to ask you, you kind of had a bunch of different careers. You're a stand-up and you're a stand-up. You didn't start as a stand-up though, is that right? I mean, you did it originally, but then you kind of became known also as you had your show, obviously, that was hugely successful, and now you've kind of come back to stand-up, and you've had your show on Netflix as well, and you've gotten very political. You haven't had a sort of orthodox career, not that anybody really does. My point is, what do you see yourself? What kind of shit do you want to do? I don't know, in the next five years or 10 years, do you think it's going to interest you? Outside of just touring and shit. Do you see yourself doing another show, like a late night show or some shit, you know? - I did start out as a stand-up, that's how I got my show. So I did, just to clarify that, I did start out. I did quit for a while when I burned myself out, when I went over to Netflix to do my documentary series, and I had a three or four year contract with them. So I did all of that stuff, I did my shows, I did a bunch of documentaries, and I just sold my last book, which is Life Will Be the Death of Me to a network, for me to star in. - Oh yeah, I read that. - So it's kind of like a story. - Sorry to interrupt, how many books are you written? I know you've written a bunch. - Six. - The man. - Man, amazing. - Pretty fucking impressive. - Six number one New York Times bestsellers, guys. - Is that true? - Six number ones? - Yeah. - That's incredible. - That's really impressive. That's very impressive. - Thanks, I know. Sometimes I can't believe it. - That's awesome. So you're adapting that into a show? - Yeah, so it's kind of like a curb your enthusiasm, like with me in therapy, just constantly fucking up, trying to decont, but never really being successful. - I love that. - It's another great title. Think about that, there's a title, you know? You just put like a weird symbol, phone symbol on there, instead of the you and your goal. - Oh yeah, yeah. - I wake up, I have to wake up two hours earlier than everyone, you guys, just to decont. I'm like, do not be a bitch today. You are one, try not to be. - Sure, spend me, spell it with a K, and then you with a Noom lot, and then you might be able to get away with it. - You're done, yep, good call, well. - Yeah, I'll use the Kardashian font so that they'll think it's part of that. - So when do you start doing that? Are you writing that now in script form? - Yeah, Liz Tuchillo, who's the writer on it, she and I just sold it. So we're negotiating, you know, our deal. And yeah, we're on it. I'm pretty excited, I've never played myself on TV. I've never really done a television show where it was acting. for, you know, so I feel like I'm in that mode right now, you know, late night talk shows. I mean, every time I say I'm not going to do something, I end up doing it, you know. So I don't want to say I'm never going to do that again, but I don't see myself interviewing. I like real people. Like I'm on my podcast, you're Chelsea, people call in for advice, like it was supposed to be a joke and it kind of turned into something serious because I am that kind of person. I like people to take risks and I like to be a cheerleader and a big sister and be like, go, do that, break up with that guy, leave that job, you know, stop talking to your mother. But, uh, so I, I just like that. I like, I like talking to real people. I like interpersonal stories and I've had my fair share of interviewing celebrities and now that we have social media, it's not like there's any mystique left in anybody or anything. So that genre for me or that media, I should say, for me is no longer very exciting or challenging. You know, maybe something will happen to change that, but. What about acting? What about how, well, where does acting sit for you for playing somebody completely different? Is that have any interest to you or is that sort of the antithesis of what you're interested in? If it were fun and it was a challenge. Yeah, I mean, I do stuff, you know, I was going to do this Netflix movie where I played a principle of an elementary school that hated children and I was like, oh, that's a fun role. Like I could get off on that, you know, but then I couldn't do it with my tour in COVID. You have to come in and out of Vancouver, but I am always open to things like that. But, you know, it's not my, it's not my jam, it's, you know, I don't, I'm not, I don't consider myself an actress at all, but I love to have a nice challenge. Right, right. Yeah, right. I love that. You know, who's acting I love, who I texted him about his acting as Jason. When I was watching Ozarks, I was, I was, first of all, I was on a panel with Laura Lenny for a group, a group panel. We're going to. And in New York City, this was like three or four years ago and was Laura Lenny drew Barry Moore and a couple other girls. And they were talking about parenting and, you know, we all had microphones in our hand. And Laura Lenny told the story about how difficult she, what a difficult time she had getting pregnant. And that they're going to say difficult time working with Jason. But yeah, keep going. Yeah, that too. She mentioned that too. And she, that was why she couldn't get pregnant was because of Jason is what she said. She said it was difficult to explain what a group panel was to people in the street or no. That was easy. Yeah, yeah, she mentioned that too. Yeah. And, but she talked about giving birth when she goes, you know, I struggled for so long. And then I finally gave birth when I was 50. And I went into the microphone, like loudly. And and and Laura Lenny looked at me and I just went, congratulations. I'm sorry. I just, that is so disgusting to me. But I got to Laura and Jason on screen. I have to say is one of my favorite shows on television because I just love watching Jason. I love it. Love it. Love it. You're a nice lady. Thank you. He's very, very good. Isn't he? We, we give him a lot of shit, but we love him. He's so I love what he does. Very charismatic. And always very, very on screen, very charismatic on screen, very on screen, definitely on screen. No, but in person, it's surprising. Doug, it's pretty, it's pretty quiet. Yep. This is a lot of hate. Chelsea, thank you for your time. I know you're probably exhausted. And this is the last thing you wanted to do today. But thanks for stopping by. You're hilarious. Cool of you to say yes. It's a original and original voice and and and where you think that you're at CUNT, we think that you're hilarious and opinionated and awesome. So thank you. Yeah. Thank you guys so much. Fun to see you all. Thank you, Chelsea. Very much. Great to see you. Have a great rest this year. Even you Sean. Even you Sean. Way to go. Bye, Chelsea. Bye. Hello, friends. Yeah. Chelsea handler. Ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. So funny. Chelsea is so funny. Oh, she makes me laugh. I know. She makes me laugh too. She always does. She always is super funny. She's she wakes me up. She's very consistent. Always has. She is lots of energy and ready to go. Even in casual conversation, you feel like, I gotta be on my fucking toes because she will burn me. She'll correct me. She corrected you. Sean. She's corrected me before on stuff. And you're like, Hey, man. I love it. If I wanted to be with my mom, I'd go back to Toronto. Why are you correcting me? But if you have any, if you have, if you like to, if you like to sling bullshit, you're in the wrong room with her. Yeah. I know. She's quick. Yeah. I do like that about her. It's pretty refreshing. You don't have to worry about talking about the weather because it's just that's not going to cut it with her. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. A better show is great too. Of course it is. Oh, it's every incarnation of ab talk show. She's so fucking funny. And yeah, and she does. I feel like she says the thing that everybody wants to say, like she says it in a way, she's always surprising. That's the, that's the thing it is. For me, it's always surprising what she says, like catches me off guard, really funny, you know, really just, she says things so succinctly, much unlike what I'm doing right now. But she's. Yeah. Nice job. Who's, who's thinking of the, who's thinking of the buy right now? I am right now. But I think we need to start working on words that rhyme with buy. Oh, now see, I was more interested in just connecting with you guys. I wasn't thinking about how to wrap it up. No, you know why I brought it because I could see the look on Sean's face. It looked like he'd been lobotomized. Well, he was writing. He's been writing for like 30 seconds, trying to figure out things that run with stuff. That's what he does. Yeah, you were talking he was like, no, he's just trying to think. No, you guys, almost like he's got like an over bye. No, I had your comes. I have both eyes open eyes. What? I don't think we're gonna. Are you saying open eyes? Here's what's funny. Anytime I try to do it, I get shot and you always go real high. I don't know why, why does it look fine for you? I'll go down here. I don't know the word you're saying is and also because you. It comes. Well, it's going to try right now. I'm not trying. What I'm saying is Sean, well, sometimes you'll try to shoehorn it in. Yeah, right. Yeah, and and it just doesn't qualify. It doesn't qualify. It's yeah, it just doesn't. We're going to sit here until we get one. I don't know. How did we back into this by the way? Should we run the tapes back? When did this all start? Was it on the first step? It's very first one. Yeah. What did we just do a simple by? Well, we could do it once. Yeah, we could do a simple by or we could just agree to do it once a year or we could even do it by annually. No. Why? Have we used that already? Annually. That doesn't even use every single one. That's why I wonder if we should do rhymes or just say, by how about we just listener? We appreciate your time. Yeah, we do. Or we'll want it. You give them. Well, listener, we've taken up too much of your time. Shut up, our net. We're just going to get a fucking new good byline for for our guests, by the way. Okay, I got notes for you. What are you talking? Well, we've taken too much of your time. Shut up. I don't say about how about it's an hour and we're done. Yeah, we're done. So thank you for your answer. Who do I say that to? What do I say? You mean, I say that to the guy just as bad? I say, Oh gosh. No, you always say, Oh my gosh. What do you got? Have you got something on the, how much did you pay them? Shut the fuck up. Yeah, man. All right. And we're going to get into this. And you shoot chuckles. Yeah, Sean, we're coming for you next. Yeah, we're fucking next. Sean. Fuck both of you. How's that for low? Not only. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. It's almost like both of you. It was about to bite. I don't hit off. Oh my god. The fuck was that? Smart. Smart. SmartLess is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Michael Grant Terry, Rob Armjarth, and Bennett Barruco.