Ranch

uh hey man hi hayden how's my best friend in the whole wide world going and you're gonna be calling me like your little buttercup or your i've done away with it i figured that gimmick it's done and you're calling me your best friend in the whole world which feels like kind of a sick joke i've got a really important question for you today because i know you're a fan a big fan of a dip and here in america we've got something called ranch yeah we got that here too we we also have ranch has traveled i don't know if you have it like we have it here well we had we got the paul newman shit uh you're right that it's quite hard to source and like i don't think that's really around anymore yeah don't come off like it's some commonplace thing in new zealand at the start you were doing stuff that was genuinely like not in new zealand and now you're just having to pretend like rely on americans ignorance of our country oh they don't have houses over there they still get around in a horse and cart no but come on ranch isn't hugely commonplace time to get real when was the last time you had ranch in new zealand oh it's got to be 15 years yeah well there you fucking go what are you just wolfing down ranch we have it here every single day yeah there's people that dip their babies pacifiers in in ranch no that's not real what do you mean that's like that's got to be like some sort of child welfare breach there's got to be like a stricture somewhere against that you can't just do anything in america i'm david farrier a new zealander accidentally marooned in america and i want to figure out what makes this country tick now as you may have surmised from my conversation with hayden yes ranch does exist in new zealand i've been told rob i say ranch in an unusual way ranch ranch yeah sounds like you're wrong like r-o-w yeah so i'm gonna say ranch dressing in this episode just to clarify yeah ranch dressing does not exist in new zealand like it does exist here in the u.s because americans do love ranch they're shoving it over everything from salad to fries burgers to pizza the rest of the world truly discovered the extent of america's ranch obsession recently during the world cup tourists smuggling a home in their suitcases here in the u.s these are some stats for you rob ranch has been the best ranch in the world for the last couple of years it's been the best best-selling salad dressing for over 30 years that's three decades and around 40 percent of americans say it's their favorite dressing of all time so get ready to squirt an entire bottle of ranch down your throat and discover if americans really do feed it to their babies you're skeptical rob you just wait and see because this is the ranch episode rob i for the end of the episode i bought in some ranch so i put in some fry some fries a big pretzel and to celebrate at the end of the episode just to celebrate ranch we're gonna eat some ranch together great from high tops a lesbian bar in our neighborhood yeah next to marate yes and they do a good ranch yeah so what do you how do you feel about ranch or how you say ranch ranch ranch ranch how do you look in new zealand my experience is growing up if you had fries you would you would have tomato sauce which you call ketchup yeah that was a common thing yep ranch dressing wasn't a thing you would commonly have with your fries which here in l.a i've discovered is a much more common condiment right well i guess to kick things off i think branch ranch when i was ordering it with this episode like that look at me it's like a strange look on their face what are you saying uh when i was a kid ranch was mostly just a salad dressing it was what you would dress salad with you got caesar or ranch um put it on in your childhood it was salad just salad salad dressing yeah i don't know when it happened in my lifetime or if it was just as i got older yeah uh i it evolved my use of it but it definitely has become a condiment yeah that you dip things in did you follow i missed this at the time because i i don't know i've got nothing it's a world cup i just didn't really watch it there was a massive thing during the world cup where a lot of some players and certainly fans were just going holy shit what is this amazing thing that's happening to me and i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god amazing dip that comes with everything in america and that is all over tiktok there were news reports on it it was insane i missed that yeah this was like the year for ranch in america ranch um but i will say yeah i i guess thinking about it just initially salad dressing although now i don't think i will have a salad that just has ranch dressing on it i feel like it somehow turns a salad unhealthy yes when you douse it in ranch that's actually something because i ever since i went to the doctor and my cholesterol was high for the first time in my life yeah i've been trying to eat healthier and i've noticed the thing in america where it's probably all over the fucking world but you can get a salad and your brain goes i'm being healthy and i'm being good and this is better than a cheeseburger or a big pizza but then you can douse it and all these yummy things yeah and part of your brain is still going this is so healthy but when it's covered in ranch ranch it's much less healthy i'm just saying a very obvious thing i don't yeah i don't perceive a salad drenched in ranch is as healthy when i eat that so i'm not i'm gonna not eat a salad with ranch i i can't do that i love tasty things yes but that said i do love dipping things in ranch what are you dipping in there almost anything yeah it's the america it's the most new zealanders what can be dipped in there the last few things i've dipped in ranch okay i was gonna get sexual um mozzarella sticks at the movie theater elmo draft house you can get inside a ranch with mozzarella sticks a healthy mozzarella stick dipped in a healthy bit of ranch um pizza i do like to dip pizza in ranch um especially scalding hot pizza you got something cool that you're dipping it i'm with you i'm fucking with you i'm with you i'm with you i will do like a chili crunch as well with it so you've got the hot spicy yeah and cold the relief of a soothing ranch dressing pretzel similar mozz classic alamo it's either mozzarella sticks or pretzels so let's go on ranch as far as because i mean i'm not a very sophisticated food eater to the point where i haven't taken a lot of notice of various condiments and dips in my life i'm just there i'll happily guzzle yeah well i will make a distinction alamo dipping if i'm getting mozzarella sticks or a pretzel in dipping it there's usually multiple dips not only ranch i think if you're not only dipping it in ranch it's too much so you mozzarella stick you'll have some marinara that you're also dipping it in okay pretzel you need like a cheese sauce and ranch okay i'm alternating you're dipping between the two yes not not ever together but no so it's a danger as well dipping in a dark movie theater because it's very you want to make sure it stays on the food and not dripping onto yourself which i've done multiple times at the cinema um and i will say the last thing that i think maybe helped with the rise of ranch is buffalo wings buffalo wings you do ranch or blue cheese with your wings uh celery and carrot sticks i find i love blue cheese i find a blue cheese dip a bit overpowering i agree because a buffalo wing is already so intense blue cheese i'm like oh my god it's too much flavor to handle yeah i prefer ranch yeah to okay so you're you're a ranch man uh i guess so do you have it in the fridge at home i okay i just got it i just got it a couple days ago coincidental to this episode or totally uh natalie was making calvin pigs in a blanket do you know what that is uh i feel like it's is it like a sausage wrapped in bread or something little little sausage wrapped in crescent roll i've heard of this thing uh we have that in new zealand knew she was making that it's like i need some ranch then i'm gonna dip that in what i'll do though is i will squirt a little bit of sriracha in the ranch uh-huh turn it into a spicy ranch that sounds good do you know what brand you got i do what did you get um i got newman's you got newman's newman's i i will say there are um certain items of food and condiments and things that i will intentionally not pick the healthy version of interesting because it ruined it's what's the point you know i'm not eating ranch because to be healthy yeah they have like a great primal diet primal kitchen version of ranch that i'm sure is much healthier yeah hidden valley is typically the ranch that i would go for for america's big one yeah what allegedly started ranch yes in your fine country but the grocery store i went to newman's was the most unhealthy looking ranch no i know what you mean though like sometimes stop pretending you're gonna have something that's unhealthy it's like you're gonna have chocolate eat some chocolate you don't need to look for healthy chocolate just have your chocolate well i've eat your chocolate or like cheese it's you're gonna get cheese it's get the real thing versus like healthy the off-brand artisanal baked version of it i agree which i am all for those existing existing and i know it's good to have a healthy option yeah always yes but this isn't a healthy episode you know right now in front of us we've got fries we've got a big giant pretzel honey ranch this is some sort of honey dip i hot honey honey is becoming some ketchup pretty popular thing this is a mayonnaise some mayo how do you feel about mayo i like mayonnaise my producer used to be called paul mayo and we always found that very funny i got um some slack from a friend this morning that i i had made a recommendation of a restaurant in new york for him and then sent him a picture of a food item that i said he definitely needs to get and it had a squid ink mayonnaise like hollandaise sauce oh my god what the actual yeah so it's like this marbly white and black very you elevated some elevated bullshit and he got very offended and said how much he hates mayonnaise hates mayo hates mayo never met i've never met a man that hates mayo yeah that's the thing i feel like most dips people enjoy to different no one hates a certain dip i feel is there a dip you hate no none i will have any dip i'm wolfing down gladly greedily there's no dip that a fairy has seen that he doesn't like i that's mostly true i think for me i mean okay there's some there's some that i'm not reaching for first yeah but for the most part final question before we get into quite a riveting documentary that i put together about ranch have you ever squirted a um any kind of ranch or any kind of dressing directly down your gullet not on a food item no i have not uh have you have you hot honey i love hot honey and occasionally i'll be known to insert it directly into my mouth i mean when i was younger and we would be at denny's at like one in the morning denny's it was sometimes a bit to to uh take syrup shots there you go you have you have partaken is that a condiment i guess good quiz condiment adjacent you asked about a dip yeah no you're right that's that's adjacent to that world you could dip your pancake in it but you're mostly pouring when was the last time you went to a denny's um very recently because um the loser of our fantasy football team he got last place in the league and his punishment was he had to go to a pancake house for 24 hours what and you could reduce uh every pancake you eat yeah you could reduce your time by an hour oh my god that's diabolical so he ate what the he ate 19 pancakes in five hours um threw up four times oh that's an incredible hour three with vinny and he was there by himself so people from the league like would one or two other people they dip in and then so you gotta keep an eye on him make sure he's not being dishonest doing it that's quite evil about halfway through he asked the waitress if uh they could blend up the pancakes into a shake so they made him they made him uh four pancakes blended up that was essentially just a cup of batter at that point that's really unhealthy yes he threw up that's an incredible punishment and i'm very into it yeah and i hate it also okay for today's documentary uh we had a listener reach out to us and he said he was going to do a video on pancakes he's been reaching out for some time now incessantly saying i love ranch dressing more than any other american come to my house and taste ranch with me and basically i finally just running it as after seeing the world cup craziness around ranch i'll just fucking do it so this is what happened hi hi okay so remember when like sophie was little and we would go to like texas road house and she would be crying and screaming i remember you taking her binky out of her mouth dipping it in ranch and putting it back in that is a phone call between jake and his mother trying to confirm the exact age he and his sister were first fed ranch dressing later in the episode we will hear her side of things but first jake this entire episode is about jake because jake loves ranch he's loved it for as long as he can remember he reached out to flightless bird a few months ago [email protected] inviting me to his house for a ranch taste testing session en route he sent me a text requesting that i pick up two extra ranches one from a lesbian bar called high tops a friend said that you have the some of the best ranch in america and another from a place called low boy thank you i've been told your ranch is amazing it's very specifically get it here yeah it's really good i'd found a bit weird ordering just the ranch so i grabbed some fries too and set off for jake's house stay tuned for more flightless bird we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors support for flightless bird comes from article and just in advance in this ad i'm fostering uh american bulldog at the moment if you can hear big uh slobbery noises that's what you're hearing i am a massive fan of article uh i just ordered a chair and some new bed sheets and bedding off article because i'm just wanting to make my place look a little bit more stylish i've been in los angeles for all coming up on five years now and there's just a few things that i want to upgrade and so yeah i'm starting with my bed and my furniture essentially article offers a curated range of mid-century modern coastal and scandy inspired pieces that not only shine on their own but also pair seamlessly with nearly every other article product so if you're like me and you struggle to mix and match it makes it incredibly easy to do that there's also quality without the compromise article curates its collection focusing solely on high quality meaningful pieces that will stand the test of time also when it arrives the packaging is meticulous and the way and feel of the product make it very clear that it is quality it also offers fast affordable shipping across the u.s and canada with options for professional assembly if you prefer a hands-off experience i really like the professional assembly now there's also support when you need it articles customer care team is available seven days a week offering knowledgeable support and even free interior design services to help you get your home just right and with articles 30-day satisfaction guarantee you can shop with confidence knowing that if you're not completely in love with your new stuff you new furniture you knew everything you can just return it this peace of mind is yours you can invest in it if you're not completely in love with your new stuff you can just return it in your home without hesitation article is offering our listeners fifty dollars off your first purchase of one hundred dollars or more to claim visit article dot com slash bird and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout that's article dot com slash bird for fifty dollars off your first product of one hundred dollars or more support for flightless bird comes from ethos now one thing about getting a little bit older um i am 43 now is you realize that uh not every thing is forever um you have friends that run into certain a few issues you have friends and family and so life insurance really becomes something that is worthwhile getting it can be a weird thing to talk about no one wants to think about things coming to an end but you also want to be able to look after those that you leave behind and i guess if you're becoming like a parent or you're buying a home this stuff kind of plays on your mind is well it basically just gives you peace of mind uh i have a friend that just has a new child uh they uh you know the world is a crazy place and life insurance has just made their peace of mind so much more knowing that if something happens to them god forbid then their kid and their partner will be just fine and will certainly um yeah it'll ease the stress of things ethos makes getting life insurance fast and easy and it's 100 online you can get a quote in seconds you can apply in minutes and get same day coverage there's no medical exam you just answer a few simple health questions you can get up to 3 million in coverage that's pretty great some policies are as low as 30 a month and you'll get your lowest rate from their network of trusted carriers ethos has 4.9 out of 5 stars on trustpilot with over 5 000 reviews take 10 minutes to get covered today with life insurance through ethos get your free quote at ethos.com bird that's e-t-h-o-s dot com Okay, I've got the goods and I'm going in to meet with this mystery man that loves ranch. It's always a risk when you meet up with a mystery man that something's going to go wrong, but less likely when you're also a man, you know? Nice to meet you. Settling into Jake's couch, I see he has a spread of pizza and fries. I add my fries to the mix and a line of ranch samples in little pottles ready to taste. I'm Jake Seroff. I grew up in Colorado. I live in Los Angeles and I'm a ranch lover. A very simple question. What is ranch to you? So food is simply a vehicle for ranch to get into my mouth. Honestly, I could eat it with anything. So it's something that makes food better. Do you associate it with a certain part of America or is ranch kind of an every state situation? I feel like in Los Angeles, ranch is harder to find. Growing up in Colorado, ranch was everywhere. We ate ranch with everything. And so here they charge more for it. We went to Wyoming, Chicago recently, or something, someplace recently, and they had ranch like in like a pump thing. You won't see that in LA. So I do feel like ranch is, primarily a middle America, Colorado, Southwest thing. Now, before we go further, just to make sure we're all on the same page, what is ranch dressing exactly? From what I can gather online, it's a mix of dry herbs and spices, including chives, parsley, and dill. That's typically mixed with mayonnaise and buttermilk. Sometimes sour cream and yogurt can be subbed in, apparently. I should say at this point, I'd never heard of buttermilk. Sorry, I just hadn't. According to Reddit, the concept of buttermilk is global, but the thick, tangy grocery store milk most people know today is distinctly American-cultured buttermilk, which was commercially introduced in the US in the 1920s to replicate and standardize the sour liquid left by traditional butter churning. With that in mind, let's proceed. Because ranch started out originally with a packet, and then you would add it to cream or add it to sour cream, or something, or to buttermilk. And then eventually they were like, let's prepackage it and sell it. And that's how ranch became ranch. I feel like Americans are very good with their condiments, and I feel like every time I order, I don't know, fries or chips or whatever the fuck you call them here, there's always different sides you can get. What are the main sides? What are the sauces you get? What is ranch competing with on your fries? The badass burger joints had a whole aioli thing going on, like a lemon aioli, a garlic, a truffle aioli hit the markets. I feel like people wanted that instead of ranch, which, to be honest, is bullshit. Like, let's stick to tradition. There is also, like, a fry sauce. You know, like, the Chick-fil-A sauce is really good. Thousand Island, like, the Big Mac sauce. Like, that's fun. That's okay. But, like, there's just something about ranch. It's a baseline flavor, and you can have it with anything. Like, you can have it with anything. You can have it with anything. What does it go with? Is it a chip? Is it a bit of fried chicken? Is it a sandwich? What is it going with? Everything. Pizza is a great addition with ranch. I will make pasta, and I'll sneak a little ranch in there, and the pasta sauce. Ranch goes with everything. I can't see a world where it doesn't. We went to Chicago, and we had filet mignon. And I was dipping filet mignon in ranch, and I showed my boyfriend Keith, and he was like, it actually does make it a lot better. But I will say it was a really dry filet mignon. So, it's just like, what's the whistle, you know? Jake just mentioned his boyfriend Keith, and I should mention Keith is also here, looking on with a certain amount of amusement. Oh, yeah, I'm Keith. I'm Jake's boyfriend, ranch convert. So, when you two met, I'm taking it that you weren't a passionate ranch lover? I was an avid ranch detractor. I mean, I think most of what I experienced of ranch growing up was, like, Hidden Valley with some carrots. So, starting to date Jake, he revealed really early on that he was addicted to ranch, obsessed with ranch. And, I don't know, I just started to slowly, bit by bit, try different kinds of ranch, and try, Jake would cook me food, and then bring over ranch. And then I realized ranch can have, like, a lot of flavor. It can be really herbaceous. Like, a dilly ranch is just different from, like, Hidden Valley, you know? Like, I guess I was like you in being like, what is this? Like, what even is this? So, that was probably some of my prejudice. What actually happened, my side of the story, was it was, like, maybe our second or third date, and we, like, got fast food on the way home, and I asked if he can get ranch at the drive-thru window, and he. I don't know if he forgot, or they didn't put it in the bag, and we come back here, and I was like, "Do you have ranch here?" And he was like, "Yeah, I do, actually." And he brings out what I think, in my opinion, the worst ranch of all time. The worst ranch to be on the shelves. It's Wishbone. Wishbone Ranch. Did I still dip my chicken nuggets in the ranch? Absolutely, I still did, yes. Over the years, Keith has come to love ranch. And while a great deal of Americans also love ranch, Jake tells me it's had its PR nightmares over the years. Something about ranch that is really interesting is during the MSG scare. Just rewind, what was the MSG scare in America? So it was, like, the Chinese food scare. I don't know when it happened. I feel like it happened a couple of times. But when I was in fourth grade, my stepmom was, like, really into health, and all of a sudden we were barred from eating Chinese food. Because MSG was in the food. And we were allowed to have salads with Hidden Valley Ranch on it. And what clicked for me at some point was MSG was not that scary back then. Like, it's not scary. Like, it's not a bad thing. You're saying that ranch has MSG in it? Oh, yeah. Most ranches have MSG in it. But Chinese restaurants took, like, a massive blow during that time. And at the same time, like, the soccer moms who were, like, not allowing their kids to have Chinese food were also giving them salads covered in ranch. So just essentially it's sort of just some sort of inbuilt racism and, like, othering. 100%. 100%. But since then, ranch has been on a pretty good roll. Back in 2011, Melissa McCarthy did a legendary SNL sketch where she played a hidden ranch taste tester. She ends the skit by squirting a whole bottle down her throat and all over her body. This year, during the FIFA World Cup, tourists became obsessed with ranch. It was in headlines. And it got to the point where the TSA posted on social media urging people to pack it in their chicken luggage so it wouldn't get thrown out. And of course, Taylor Swift comes into this as well. One of the biggest things, the most important things to ever happen to the ranch community is when Taylor Swift was seen eating chicken nuggets with ketchup and seemingly ranch. Now, it appears there's no doubt that when it comes to ranch, Hidden Valley is the biggest ranch brand in the US. There have even been lawsuits over whether competing brands can use the term "ranch." But as I ramble on about Hidden Valley, Jake interrupts me, debating whether Hidden Valley actually invented ranch or not. They didn't create ranch. But I do think that they were the first company who sold the packets. It was like a cowboy mixture. They sold spices to cowboys to put into their buttermilk to add more protein or something. And then that became Hidden Valley ranch packets. You'll have to fact check. Now, I'm hesitant to fact check a man so passionate about ranch, but I can't find reference to cowboys. I think maybe some wires got crossed. See, allegedly, ranch was invented in 1949 by Steve Henson, a plumber in Alaska. He fed the combo of mayonnaise, buttermilk, herbs and spices to his plumbing crew while they were working in Anchorage. Steve retired in his mid-thirties and bought a ranch, which he named Hidden Valley. Maybe that's where the cowboy thing came from. However, despite owning a ranch, Henson wasn't a cowboy. His ranch was more of a dude ranch, and it came with a restaurant where he'd serve his ranch to guests. In 1964, he started selling the dry ingredients in a pack for 75 cents each. When the restaurant closed, the mail order business was in full force, and in 1984, he made a bottled, liquid version. Ranch was now everywhere, and Jake alleges his mum would dip it in her children's mouths. Around the time I was 11, I had a younger sister born, and my mom took us to Texas Roadhouse, and she was maybe like six months old, and I saw my mom dip her binky into ranch and put it into her mouth, and I saw that moment, and it struck me. I was like, "That's why we're a ranch family." And I asked my mom if she did that to me, and she didn't. confirm or deny and and i think it started from when i was a kid i was indoctrinated i was as shaken by this information as hayden was earlier but we had a taste test to do it was a warm day and we had to gobble this ranch down before it heated up okay you have a number of samples out on the table which you were prepared before i came here can you just talk me through a little bit about what is going on here i see you've called it ranchella 2026 yep i add the lowboy ranch i picked up earlier then there's mcdonald's and trader joe's sometimes ranch it has this like glaze on it that's how you know it's a bad rate ranch this one right here this is wishbone right this one has like a glaze to it that you can see it it's like a layer yes so the trader joe's pre-packaged ranch has that but their refrigerator section doesn't so jake's least favorite wishbone is here too then there's jack-in-the-box hidden valley and secret pizza which in my opinion is probably the best ranch i've ever had in my entire life finally this is the high tops i bought along as well jake apologized for not having cheesecake factory ranch which he rates very highly and we got to taste testing a lot of ranch at ranchella 2026 lowboy is tastes good also it's so hard to describe like a taste you know i'm not a foodie so i always like struggle mcdonald's is not exactly amazing mcdonald's is okay i think definitely lowboy was better than maccas for sure yeah kind of want to dive into the worst one remind me of what the worst one was wish wishbone i'm gonna i'm gonna try the wishbone which you said is the the worst got sort of a film over it that you talked about it's like so viscous it's like glossy it's weird oh yeah rubbish it almost doesn't taste like ranch it's almost like something else i ate them all to the point where they all started to blur together they were all pretty delicious in my mind hidden valley was great as was high tops wishbone was rubbish but don't trust what i have to say jake had made this his life's work i wanted to know his final ranch rankings number one is secret pizza obviously number two is hidden valley um three is lowboy four is trader joe's five is high tops six is jack in the box seven is mcdonald's and eight is of course wishbone there's just one thing left to clear up confirmation on whether jake's mom really put ranch on his sister's pacifier and in turn on his pacifier and so he called his mom in arkansas i record it i'm just gonna let this conversation play out because i loved every second i remember you taking her binky out of her mouth dipping it in ranch and putting it back in yes did you do that with me when i was a kid because i feel like that's why i love ranch so much well when you guys were little i used to take your binkies and dip it like in my dr pepper or my tea with sugar whatever was sweet and then i would just dip it in there a little bit and then give it to you guys and you'd be like you know like maggie simpson sucking on your binky and then i felt bad by the time i had sophie it was like okay i should not be dipping this in soda or sugar that's terrible i don't want to do that again i don't want to do that again i don't want to do that again for the kids so the next best thing i'm gonna dip it in ranch and i would just like the tip just dip it in there and then she just loved it but i made ranch all the time for you guys and i never bought it i always made it with the hidden valley ranch powder so i'm talking about adding the milk and mayonnaise like that type of powder and you guys just ate it up all the time do you remember all the things i would put ranch on well yeah did you make like chicken i remember you adding chicken oh yeah i would do a crock pot i put all the chicken in there and i'd sprinkle a whole packet of the hidden valley ranch on top and then i would cover it with a bit of cream and then you add some cheese and then you put in the crock pot it would smell so good i did that and then do you remember when we would go to safeway i know we don't have safeway out here in arkansas now but we'd go to safe room and get that big thing of bread for like a dollar it would be the warm bread yeah yeah i got the whole center out before we got home but we would get that and then i would mix up the hidden valley ranch with a cream to make the dip and then you guys would just devour the warm bread and dip it into the dip and then every so often you'd eat a carrot and celery with it but yeah or ruffles we love ruffles and ranch yeah that's iconic yeah it's just i don't know it's kind of addicting it's like crap i don't know it's really good yeah it's the msg you know i was born in santa barbara right so did you know that hidden valley ranch came from santa barbara i did not know that i didn't know that yeah well the hidden valley ranch did because my grandmother that's where i was such a huge ranch person my grandmother made like the homemade ranch with the hidden valley and that's how i got into it and i've just grown up on ranch and so you guys did i guess so you got into ranch from your grandmother okay oh yeah especially the hot bread with ranch that's she did it she would make homemade bread and we would just dip it in her ranch oh so good yes i knew it was a genetic thing oh yeah by this point there's no doubt in my mind that jake had his first taste of ranch at around age six months and look for what it's worth he seemed to turn out pretty good and then do you remember like when we would go to cheesecake factory and you would dip the brown bread straight into the ranch yes yes of course i mean honestly it's not about the bread it's about the ranch well yeah yeah yeah i i think i said like food is simply a vehicle for ranch to get into my mouth oh hell yeah okay well i love you mama i love you too stay tuned for more flightless bird we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors support for flightless bird comes from quince now i'm sure you know those pieces in your closet that you find yourself wearing on repeat because they're just so good maybe you've got more of one of the same thing because you like it so much maybe it's that sweater that goes with everything that perfect pair of pants or just a tee that fits really well and always looks good and you feel like you look really great in it those are the pieces that make getting dressed easy and that's what quince does best quince focuses on high quality wardrobe staples made with premium materials like 100% mongolian cashmere organic cotton and merino wool the styles are timeless versatile and designed to become the dependable pieces you reach for day after day quince also makes other things like premium pants fitted tees and polos and breathable active wear i love that breathable active wear i've got a whole bunch of it because i do a lot of hikes in the hot hot sun quality basics designed to work across your wardrobe and hold up to everyday wear everything at quince is priced 50 to 80 percent less than similar brands that's pretty great they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen so you're paying for high quality not brand markup as i say i love that active wear um in the colder months i love uh the puffer jacket i got from them also quince doesn't just do clothing they bring that same approach to everything they make from hotel quality bedding to bath to kitchen essentials and thoughtfully designed furniture they make well-designed pieces for everyday living find your next full favourites at quince download the quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com bird get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in canada and the uk too that's q u i n c e dot com slash bird you know what that made me hungry rob that happened a couple of weeks ago now i haven't had ranch dressing since i'm gonna open up these fries and got some stuff to oh we've got a lot to discuss but i'm just gonna open these boxes all right so we can nibble buttermilk you did not know what buttermilk was no and i don't want to make out like that's a new zealand thing i think that's a david stupidity thing yeah i mean like buttermilk pancakes but when i make pancakes i'll some mixture some some eggs and just some normal milk this buttermilk carry-on is new to me and maybe it's not a big thing in new zealand because i feel like from my extensive research for this episode it sounds like it is a deeply american thing well that's also the other thing i'm wrestling with is how much is midwest yeah because i think a lot i think a lot of this is very midwest although i i will say i don't think i've ever noticed a shortage of a shortage of ranch out here no well him saying that as someone that moved to la makes me think that it's just so prominent elsewhere like you talked about like the squeeze bottles on tables and restaurants and i feel like you definitely don't get that in la but whenever i've ordered ranch as i've ordered food i've ordered food i've ordered food i've ordered food as a side yeah it's always available but it comes in these little pottles if you're watching this on spotify or youtube it comes in these right little pottle things you have and how do you feel ranch first mayonnaise versus aioli for me yeah ranch is a revelation no ranch number one okay i would say aioli i'm not a big aioli guy i would say that comes last wow like to me i would take ranch over ketchup and i would say i would take ranch over ketchup and i would say i would take ranch over I'd take it over everything. I'd take it over, you know, And he's like, pure, like, I'd take it over. What other dressings are there? There's hundreds of these things, aren't there? There's hundreds of dressings. For me, aioli's number one from those three. Okay. I'll go aioli. And then what? Where's mayo? I mean, I like mayo, but ranch is still better. I wouldn't be dipping fries in mayo. No. I mean, that would be insane. That seems, I mean, but all three of these seem very similar in texture, flavor, everything. Mayonnaise is, like, a reserve for a sandwich. Yeah. It's less versatile, I think. Like, much less versatile. Ranch and mayonnaise are a toss-up for me. Aioli definitely beats out both. Really? You know that beats out? Do you know beats out in New Zealand means masturbate? I mean, it technically could mean that here, too. It's just. There's a great interview that. That a British celebrity did on an American chat show, and one of the hosts, like, very seriously says to this actor, like, how did you beat off the other actors for the role? And he just loses it, and it's one of the best moments of TV I've ever seen. I'm just going to dip a chip. Yeah. I mean. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, this is. Oh! It's so good, Rob. So that's ranch from. This is high tops. High tops. Mm. Great bar, great place. We've got ranch, mayonnaise, ketchup, and honey. I believe so. I think. Of all the high tops. Because I got the pretzel and came with some other insane sauces. Something that I was interested in is that. I think I texted you about this last week. What do Americans call, like, a thing a baby sucks on? Like, a pacifier. Yeah. He called it a binky. Binky, yeah. I think that's just like a. I'd never heard binky before. That's just a cutesy name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it like a Midwest thing? Or is it some sort of. No, it's just. I've never heard binky. Maybe a Southern thing. That I'm learning something every day. That's a good ranch. You can taste the dill a bit more in it. My God. I was going to say, I feel like ranch isn't quite as flavorful as aioli. Mm-hmm. It's a little more watered down in my mind. But a house-made ranch, that's a good house-made ranch. When I ordered this, I said, would they give me the recipe? Because, obviously, you can make this at home. Of course you can. They wouldn't give me the recipe. You should have told them there's no concern. What's your favorite ranch? Flightlessbreadchat at gmail.com. So, last thing, though. Billy saw we were doing this episode on ranch. And Billy brought something in for you to taste. Oh. Billy, our wonderful editor, who now lives in Los Angeles. Yeah, he got you Lester's Fixin's Ranch Dressing Soda. What the fuck? This is. There's only one, so it's just for you. This is incredible. America, if it's one thing it does well, it knows how to make a soda out of every single flavor on planet Earth. I wouldn't have a. That smells rough. You don't want to have a little. No, thanks. I mean, I wouldn't typically think about putting this in a refreshing soda. Yeah. Just looking for details. Made in the USA, of course. Incline Village, NV. What is that, Nevada? Okay, I'm sniffing. Yeah, it just smells like the same ranch that I just had on my fry. Okay, I'm going to take a swig. That is. There's two battling things going on. On one level, I can taste. I can taste the sugar and the liquid, and my brain goes, this is refreshing. On the other hand, it tastes exactly like ranch, which isn't a good experience when you are. Drinking. Drinking it. Isn't it funny? When you sort of turn. I'm thinking of what you were talking about earlier about how. You talked to Mike, I think, about how you sort of blend pancakes. And it's sort of a similar thing. Like, it's one thing eating a pancake. It's one thing, like, sucking it down a straw. Same with ranch. Very different in a soda. A chug of that. Just, like, as much as you can. Oh, you know, that feels bad. Billy, thank you. You're diabolical. Have a chug. No, thanks. Please, have a chug. No, there's a second one that he brought. I want to say many thanks to Jake for letting us hang out in his house. I loved that his partner, when they met. It smells. It smells so bad. Just have a little. Come on. You've swallowed worse things. It's not. Look, it's not as awful as it could be. I get what you meant by you taste the sugary bits and then. Then the ranch taste hits you. Then the ranch comes in. Yeah. It could be much worse than it is. That just tastes super synthetic, though, too. Which I think adds to its grossness. Yeah. Look, I wouldn't go back for more, but I would go back for more ranch dip. Thank you, Billy, for that horrific treat. America. Yeah, Jesus. It has soda, every flavor conceivable. We've been to those stores in America where you can get insane flavors in sodas. It's awful. You just burped it up? No, I just feel like. You just feel like you're going to vomit? I feel ill. Okay. If you have feedback about this episode, about ranch, about other dressings, Flightless Bird chat. So, dressings, what's your go-to dressing? I mean, out of this episode, it's ranch all the way. You want that on a salad? You want a. Yeah, I feel like what's good about it is it's versatile and it can go on everything. Prior to that, I would say ketchup, because in New Zealand. Ketchup's your favorite salad dressing. In New Zealand, it was. Because I associated it so strongly with growing up with fish and chips, which was like you would get it from the corner store. You heard I said your favorite salad dressing, right? Oh, no. I said dressing in general. No, favorite salad dressing. I thought you were telling me that you put ketchup on your salads. I mean, it's not entirely out of the question. I said it twice, too, and you kept doubling down. Salad dressing. You've got Caesar, you've got ranch, you've got a vinegar wrap, Thousand Island. I'm a Thousand Island guy. Also, if I'm at a Subway getting a delicious Subway sandwich, I'll usually get Thousand Island. I'm a Thousand Island. And I say that, and I couldn't even. I can't really tell you what is in a Thousand Island dressing. I just know I've always enjoyed it. My tongue has always gone, yum, yum, give me more. What about you? Yes, Thousand Island, ranch. Those are my two. Top two. I'm more just like a vinaigrette of some sort. Keep it simple. Yeah. Keep it precise. Healthier, also. Healthier, like the vegetables and the rest should shine more. Yes. You shouldn't be trying to cover up. Yes. the taste of the salad. Ideally, with something else. You shouldn't need to do that. Correct. If you're doing that, there's a problem. To clarify, I don't put ketchup on my salad. That would be fucking diabolical. That would be as. It'll sand me off. It sounded like you were saying that's what you do in New Zealand. In an ambulance. And I wish you would have doubled down on that. No, no. I'm glad you doubled back and clarified. Everyone in New Zealand uses ketchup as salad dressing, David. They're already coming at me with pitchforks for the misinformation I talk about in my own country. Some of the emails that come in these days are like, you've been away for too long. Yeah, I see those comments. Okay. A few updates from the world. We talked in the waterpark episode, the Dallas episode, about the incident of some people being disemboweled when they got sucked into the suction system of various pools. That has happened again the week that we're recording. And this is. I'm not saying this is a funny thing. It's shocking. But it's just such weird timing. A London-based couple died after becoming trapped in a hot tub suction system in Spain while on holiday. Tomasina, 51, is believed to have died trying to save her husband, Patrick, who was 48, after he became trapped. So in an insane situation where Patrick is stuck to the suction system and his wife also passes away whilst trying to save him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which you hear about a lot, like in the surf, when someone rushes out to save someone and they both go down. The idea of this happening in a hot tub is wild to me. Yeah, I'm not sure I fully understand the logistics of this. So the couple were found about 5 p.m. Tuesday in a hot tub in their holiday villa. Investigators have adopted a theory that Mr. Tobin became trapped by the tub suction system and Mrs. Tobin died trying to rescue him. The suspected cause of death is suction entrapment. When a strong vacuum from a hot tub or swimming pool's drain pulls a person's body, hair, or clothing underwater. Fucking sad. It's awful. And yeah, she succumbed to the water whilst trying to get him out, which is just so fucking horrible and tragic. But I'd always heard that original story about the kids being disemboweled. And I always thought, I've never heard this ever since. And then it cropped up in the news last week. What's the original story? These kids got stuck on suction systems and got disemboweled. and bowed, so essentially their butts got stuck. in the suction system and they got their inside sucked out into the pool there's a and that from that became a whole lot of massive regulation about the strength of the cleaning systems within pools there's a really awful um story in a chuck pollinock book yeah but it's based on the real story yeah i'm sure lullaby was followed by the book it's in haunted i believe okay and it's story about a kid he would sit on the drain at the bottom of his swimming pool and masturbate right it was like a sexual thing and it would like suction him down to hold him yeah but then it pulled out his anus and intestines and he tried to swim up and got stuck yeah that's enough it's an image i mean i have a fear of i think both of us do of like i don't like in a pool when there's like water slushing down a drain or over the edge it just feels dangerous and weird do you feel like in the chuck book though he gets away i feel like they are able to like oh okay he chews rob thanks for that beautiful gesture he chews through his own um bowel to become free thank you rob if anyone else remembers that story uh feel free to correct me yeah so apparently yeah that was based on real story yeah anyway awful there was also a lot of debate around um the origin of the word batch that we mentioned in an episode which is a new zealand holiday home we talked about that in the timeshare's episode um a lot of people emailed in saying it's short for bachelor pad to which i will say that is wrong it was thought to be that for a long time but rose cook over on our patreon came up with the actual reason it's called batch um and that is because rose writes my friend who's from new zealand and i from wales figured out the batch comes from um the welsh as it's their word for small which is why small batches are called batches um there were lots of welsh miners who moved to new zealand um over a few different time periods and that is why the word batch stuck and i'll also add that in the north island of new zealand it's called a batch if you're in the south island it's called a crib crib a crib um mcleod wrote in with another pool disaster story um 12 children were shocked this summer at my local water park in chiliwack bc british columbia british columbia after someone grabbed that's in canada that's in canada after someone grabbed onto a railing that was somehow shorted out and electrified burns and serious injuries people airlifted out um no deaths apparently char wrote in these names sound made up mcleod char are these real names i don't know uh char wrote in from new zealand in regards to our timeshare episode and said back in the 80s and 90s sun pacific villas on marine proud mount monganui mount monganui is a stone's throw from bethlehem where i was raised not born raised um it was a timeshare i'm not sure it still is my uncle bought into this one and he stayed there each christmas and new year when he would come down from auckland which is where i went to university where roosevelt went to university um and visit so that's just some new zealand timeshare facts we did have timeshares but not but it was just one location it's just one timeshare one location like a bad version of one of the uh perks of timeshares is that you could go to any you could go to multiple locations and share your time we tried yeah we didn't quite get it right you just all went in on a same place the same batch good use the term a lot of people wrote in with their experiences of timeshares caleb says i'm 90% sure which timeshare company you went to because i got pulled into the timeshare world i went to the uh i related really hard with your experience it actually i actually spent four hours doing everything that you mentioned i spent two and a half can you confirm it's the same one same one they got it um four hours not the two they said it would be um i fully went into the meeting with them with the understanding um that it was a timeshare company and they said it was a timeshare it was not something i wanted to do and i was just going for two hours and i wanted the free dinner and the other vouchers did he end up buying a timeshare he did not um he had a lot of negative things to say about it i'm not going to repeat them here because i'm still wanting to avoid being sued but he had a terrible time it took um much longer than my hell which just blew my mind because my two and a half hours legitimately felt fucking awful that being said people um seem to really enjoy you being put in that situation yes our listeners are sort of sadists yeah like they like hearing me suffer in that way so i think for future episodes if there's any suggestions of other terrible things we can send david off do they make for really good episodes i was thinking about that because i genuinely wasn't going to do that yeah you pressured me to and i'm really glad i did yeah because it was awful but i also think it was quite telling and um it felt like a great episode too um so i don't like this association between discomfort and a good episode but i understand i think we should test out this hypothesis and see is is there any more very uncomfortable things that you could do distinctly american bits of culture that are just a bit over to experience like the spread chat at gmail.com should david skydive i don't or bungee jump let's not get into heights it seems let's not get into high barely american i'm open to ideas but god i hate heights hillary says my mom has bought two timeshares the first you got when i was about 10 a piece of junk mail arrived with a chance to win a car all you had to do was bring the enclosed key to the timeshare in the volcanoes um the second timeshare my mom got was in mexico um i have no idea what the status of the timeshares are now my mom has made comments over the last couple of weeks about the timeshares and she's like i don't know what to do with it over the years about if i even still have them but as far as i know she's never actually gotten rid of them um and they don't seem like the type of thing that just goes away but also you'd think you'd know if you're a paying regular um member boomer parents are a trip mike i really like this email a lot to the point where i emailed mike back for clarity my ex-wife and i went to a sales pitch and bought our two-year-old child they had a daycare facility and they took our child while we were being pitched um pretty immediately we knew we were not going to um buy in and we were pretty young didn't have the financial means even if we wanted it we went for the free meal coupons which is what i did yeah they kept talking to us and taking us to different rooms and we don't give our kid back which is just an added pressure that uh i just find so funny and distressing from when we said no and we wanted to leave before they finally gave us our kid back had to be at least 30 minutes my wife started panicking that they were not going to give him back unless we bought one it was the strangest thing and to be honest it was a little scary um but i had emailed to get some clarity that they did get the kid back you weren't sure if the timeshare still had the child i was worried um the kid is now studying electrical engineering if you wanted to know god that tastes so gross that's the trouble being a carbonated drink yeah you burp and the ranch comes back comes back have a little maybe have a little bit of um pretzel yeah i feel like putting more real ranch is just gonna intensify the disgusting taste of that ranch drink billy you're a bad man last bit of feedback harks back to our titanic episode erin says uh i had a sinking of the titanic board game as a kid you raced your man around the ship slash board trying to collect passengers as the ship sank collected uh passengers little by little if you rolled a certain number on the dice eventually when the boat was just about underwater you had to get a little lifeboat and sail around the sea until the boat sank all the way and the rescue boats came she sounds kind of like an amazing game as a kid it was one of my favorite games ever as an adult i'm horrified that someone decided a tragedy with dead people should be a children's game it makes me think of the hangman game which is behind us and i said at the moment which is another american invention that i played a lot of when i was a kid bored at school or with me homeschooling with my mom pam you played hangman never really thought of the time that you were executing a human i wonder um how much time has to pass for it to be okay to make a board game out of a tragedy when does like the 9-11 board game come out basically it's what you're saying you know completely exactly my thought yeah because no titanic at one point was this horrific thing happened 114 years ago 1912 so 1912 it's been over 100 years board game probably didn't come out i'm guessing 20 maybe this person erin maybe 30 years ago yeah so maybe like what's in the 70s 70 80 years so we're about a third of the way from when it would be appropriate to have a 9-11 game which is wild to think about yeah it's funny though because it does there's a moment where it goes from a tragedy with emotions to a bit of history that you can then kind of riff on i think it has a lot to do with when the people related to the victims maybe have passed away or gotten removed from it i don't know i don't know that it ever becomes something fun to play a game around now i mean aaron loved playing this titanic game rescuing these like poor sinking leonardo dicaprio and kate winslet characters as they sunk fair it's weird though no it is it's really odd i wonder where the idea for hangman came from i guess it's like the pressure to spell a word right like what's the pressure we're going to draw this horrible thing what's a horrible thing hanging someone anyway how's the pretzel that's it's hard sounds so troubled yeah uh our email as always is fight the spread chat at gmail.com we are on uh you can watch us on spotify with less ads or uh on youtube and we have a patreon if you want bonus episodes and um chit chat and just and to find the community there it is patreon.com slash flightless bird you guessed it fight this bird when we signed up for patreon there was another flightless bird but it was like a disused yeah thing and we're very lucky in that they agreed to just like not be there anymore but they disused it weren't using it for anything would have been so annoying if it was like patreon.com slash flightless bird pod or something you know it's like you mean like our like our email like our youtube but i feel this like our instagram but there's that thing the completest in me always wants the cleanest version of everything i mean it's great we would have loved the handle at flightless bird on instagram but yeah if you have that account yeah let us know they're always disused for about 10 years yeah some sort of fan account or some personal account that's never used so you message them they never reply i don't think this is a fan account i should also add flightless bird pod on instagram got an amazing follow got an amazing follow and then an amazing collab request on a post miss rachel miss rachel our our queen it's fucking amazing but it all harkens back to when you your friend came on caitlin aka mika mika obviously very close with miss rachel and so miss rachel followed and then re-shared a clip from the episode which is just a really lovely yes thing thank you for that miss rachel you're welcome on the show yeah we've saved you a seat on the couch whenever you want it it's here anytime i can't actually find what the direct flight oh there it is flightless bird it's an iron uh iron and wine account zero posts great 1105 followers is private should i follow it from our account yeah i mean at this point does it matter not really because we're not going to change we're not going to take over their account no but if we change the name can we then change the name to that and keep our account this is thrilling podcasting i wonder well we're going to find out come on the journey with us yeah uh we will see you uh next week gobble down some ranch on our behalf uh hidden valley of course the og um but just whatever makes you happy yeah let us know where you get your favorite ranch do you like ranch soda right in don't recommend the ranch trusting soda but uh all right bye you