Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. This episode, Raising Resilient Boys, is a subject that I've wanted to talk about for a really long time. So, you know that I've done previous episodes very focused on young women and how we can raise our young girls to become these resilient adult women. And I feel that I've been negligent because there's a whole area and actually there's a whole piece that really needs to be addressed for boys because we're not really putting enough in place. We're being neglected in lots of ways. So, hence why a particular episode. Now, for context, let's think about the stresses and challenges that are currently out there for a young boy trying to work out what it means to be male. There's lots of talk around this idea of toxic masculinity, which is sort of taking this notion of old values and beliefs of what it means to be male and supercharging it in a really inappropriate context that just isn't relevant in the days and in the world that we live in. But there are also general day-to-day challenges. We're seeing mental health challenges increase in young men, younger and younger. We know that the rates of suicide are significantly higher. It's the biggest. It's how we lose men, typically. We know more males are born each year. On the basis that we know that we're going to lose them the most. So, in terms of birth rate, so that we can end up with a 50-50 split, more boys are born. And this isn't a UK thing. This is a worldwide statistic. More boys are born, therefore, on the basis that they typically die across multiple things. They're much more likely to engage in risky behaviour. And so, they are at greater risk at almost every age and stage of their development. We're seeing increases in mental health challenges, huge stigmas around being emotionally intelligent, pressures from their peers, pressures to look a physical way, to aspire to particular things. So, the context in which our boys are growing up in is a really huge toxic melting pot in lots of ways, as well as, forget the toxic melting pot. The world in which our boys are growing up in is sending them conflicting messages about what it means to be male, as well as the actual on-the-ground reality of what they're living day in, day out amongst their peers. So, this episode is to them. And I'm going to talk you through eight. It's quite a lot here. So, we're going to talk about eight specific things that I believe are really crucial when it comes to raising resilient boys. So, let's start with number one. We know that boys typically develop two or 18 months to two years. Their development lags 18 months to two years behind girls. This starts very early in their early years, first preschool type, so between zero to five. We know that their emotional development in terms of emotional literacy is significantly behind that of girls to 18 months or so. So, if you're listening to this, please do so. And if you're listening to this, please do so. And if you're listening to this podcast episode, and you are raising a really young child, a really young boy, you're in a prime position. And I would really encourage you to secure those first two years where you really nail down and focus on emotional vocabulary. It's something that we seem to instinctively do when it comes to young girls, when it comes to really young girls all the way up. And there's this void where we don't typically cover that in the same way when it comes to young boys. And there are lots of sort of, I'm not going to go through the specifics in terms around brain structure and other aspects that mean that boys don't typically tune into that because they're lagging behind girls. But that doesn't mean, you know, the brain is plastic, the zero to five years are really the times that they're the most adaptable, moldable and the most plastic. So it's about just repeated input. If you think about it on that perspective, okay, sometimes we might not get anything back. It might not appear as if any of the discussions that we're having, any of the vocabulary that we're repeatedly sort of inputting around emotions doesn't feel as if it's sticking. And quite often, that's one of the biggest challenges that we have as parents is that we feel we're kind of banging our head against the brick wall. We keep saying on and on again about big emotions and what we could do when we're angry. And so we can often become frustrated, but that becomes almost like a critical tipping point, a critical mass. And so I would really encourage you if you're listening and you've got a really young child in those zero to five years, that is really something that I think to do that because it's an ideal time to lay the foundations. And those foundations are not just about emotional vocabulary, they're also the foundations around communication and what that might look like, talking about feelings, talking about what might be happening just generally in their life, and then making this sort of connection. I think the assumption that we typically have with boys is that they're much more physical and therefore our role as parents is to almost sort of exercise that physical energy. But there is also an emotional side that when we think about children being a and the foundations, if we want to ensure that our boys, when they reach those really key pivotal moments as they grow up, where their peers are more influential, where the pressure's from society, where they're getting these conflicting messages, is that actually we've laid those foundations around being able to communicate about language, about their emotions, have an emotional vocabulary, as well as being able to just generally see that communication is a natural part of growing up and is something that is daily, normal. It might not necessarily go into deep meaningful, we're not looking at that, but we're just laying those foundations that that's part of it. If you are listening to this and you have not got a 0-5 year old, probably a lot of you that are listening to this will be having older teens or boys that may well be struggling, hence why you're listening to this particular episode. Don't lose hope. We know the brain is plastic and it's at its most plastic 0-5, but it stays plastic. The time that it's sort of least plastic is when we reach our age as older parents. Our brain is still plastic, but it's just a much harder plastic to play with. So it needs an awful lot more moulding, but we can with children even from 6 up till 24, there's still lots of plasticity in there. Huge amounts that we can still do. We just have to be more persistent. We have to acknowledge setbacks. We have to be open with our boys about, I might not have done this before. I'm conscious that I may well have assumed certain things or I've not necessarily done things the way that I would like to moving forward. I have more knowledge. I want to reset. Whatever it takes, wherever you're at in terms of that relationship with your son, it's always fixable. It's just a question as they get older, we have to be honest and reflect on how we've parented them. And with this, you know, when we know better, we can do better. Once we know and we have those insights of, oh my goodness me, right. Okay. I can see now why they may not be opening up. I can see why they're really struggling with their confidence. And in part, that may well be how I've set things up at home. And now I want to make things different because I recognize that there are things I can do. And that's really where as parents, there is nothing wrong with being self-deprecating. You know, Tom, I've given some real thought. I've read something recently that's really made me consider how I've parented and specifically how I've parented you. And I feel I've done you a bit of a disservice. I feel I've not really shown up in a way that is the best way for you. And I'm going to be trying a few things and it might feel a bit. Strange. It's, you know, not typical of how I might typically respond. And all I just ask you is just to bear with me. You know, I'm trying to be the best parent that I can. And I've learned a bit more. It's that kind of, it's that honesty with them because when we do that, it models so much for them about what they can also do, that there's nothing wrong at any point in reflecting and then making a change of course. So number one is about about securing. For those of you with young ones, you can do that. For older ones, it's about how can we now secure from this age and stage that they're at, that emotional vocabulary, and also that communication is a normal part of expressing oneself, one's needs. That's number one. Number two, and this is crucial across all ages, I really would encourage you to listen. Okay, you're probably going, Mary-Anne, I listen all the time. But I want you to listen actively. And there is, I'm not arguing semantics here. I'm not being an annoying pain in the what's it. But when we listen actively, what that means is we're not listening with a to-do list in our head, the things that we should be getting on with because they've actually decided to have a conversation with us at a time that is most inopportune, or we are just gathering a little bit of information at that particular time. But it's listen actively. What that means is you're listening to truly understand what might be going on for them, really trying to see the world through their lens to such an extent that you should be able to, doesn't mean that you will do this all of the time, but you should be able to paraphrase back to them what you think you've heard. So I've been using Tom today. So I'll continue with Tom. So Tom, what I think I'm hearing is you're finding it really difficult in that particular group of friends. They seem to be using banter or the phrase banter quite a lot. And you're finding actually it's really hurting your feelings, or you don't feel comfortable with the way that they're being with these other, with these other boys in your year. Is that, kind of right? Yep. So paraphrasing is literally, I'm going to listen to you. I want to be able to see the world through your lens, Tom. And I'm going to check back on you periodically through this paraphrasing. I think, am I right in thinking? I think what I hear you saying is that we're just checking it back and the checking back doesn't have to offer solutions. We're going to talk about problem solving later, but the paraphrasing back is simply, am I hearing you correctly? Or have I got this wrong? Clarify for me if I have. And it's that really, you want to see the world through their lens. What I would add to listening is it's not just the words. Look for clues in what they say and what they don't say. And also any mismatch between their body language and their words. You know, yeah, we've all had that whole, I'm fine. Yeah. Everything was okay. Yeah. I'm good. I don't need to talk. I'm fine. Yeah. So we might, when they're doing that, particularly if you're listening to this, where you're thinking of Mary Hannah, I get what you're saying. And I would really love to be in that particular space. But my 13 year old, my eight year old, my six year old, my 19 year old is just not having a conversation with me. That's where you can paraphrase. You can still use that paraphrasing, but you want to do it gently. If you've not got that regular communication pattern with them established at the moment, please don't lose hope. What you can do is, okay, what I'm hearing is that you're saying you're fine, Tom, but I'm sensing that things are not. And I just want you to know, I'm not going to press it. I just want you to know I'm here. If you ever need anything, happy to chat and then leave it. It's about those, you know, if you're, if you really are in that sort of situation where there, there is just no communication, I would really recommend you listen to the bucket emptying episodes about sowing the seeds, a particular strategy that I find really useful, where we've got scenarios where we're so far removed from where we want to be with our children, whether that's communication, whether that's motivation, whether that's just organization, sowing the seeds is a really great strategy. So what I want you to remember as you're listening to all of these, whatever age and stage your son, is at or sons are at, they're all different, is that you can make things can be different. The relationship with them can be different. The support you provide them as a parent can be different. You just need to pick up where you're at. Please don't worry where anyone else is at. You know, comparison is not helpful, but simply take the stage that you need to be working on for where you're currently at. So it's this really actively listening, and remembering it's about regular conversations, little and often, not a big fan of the big conversations, even if you have to, even if they've majorly messed up, it's always best to do little and often because it has such a more profound impact. What I would also say around the listening is that quite often boys and girls to some extent as well, but boys particularly, if they are, they really struggle communicating and they don't typically open up. You may find some of the patterns of behavior at the most inopportune times of their way of saying, I'm ready to talk, but they won't do the, I'm ready to talk now. Please can we sit down and have a conversation? They just don't do that. Yeah. So it's about being able to sometimes be able to take that step back. Maybe they're pushing boundaries. Maybe they're refusing to sleep. Maybe they're not doing their schoolwork. It's really, I guess I want you to think when we're talking about listening, it's not just words, it's not just body language. It's also their behavior. Are they at the moment really massively pushing boundaries? Have you seen a massive shift in their behavior? Are they being more slovenly? Are they being more sort of unhygienic as in they don't want to shower, they don't want to brush their teeth? Look for patterns, listen to patterns, through observation, as well as through kind of what you hear. So I think that's a really, that's a quite a big one. And for those of you who may well be listening to this, or at a particular problematic age and stage with your child, this one strategy may well be one that you could really dig into for weeks, if not months, and make some really profound changes just by listening with your ears to what they're saying, listening through your eyes, in terms of the mismatch of body language, and listening with your eyes in terms of the observation of patterns of behavior that could be them trying to reach out and have conversations that they just simply don't have the vocabulary, or the habits, or the way for all of doing. So we've got the first one is about securing that emotional vocabulary, and also laying those foundations around communication, never too late. The second is about listening. Number three, don't shy from having difficult conversations. And those difficult conversations will be different for all of us, but don't shy away from having conversations around toxic masculinity. Don't shy away from conversations around the fine line between banter being something of a joke, and where it then becomes actually no longer a joke, but a very pointed way of almost semi-marginalizing or bullying somebody. Don't be shy about having conversations about gender equality. I mean, I quite like when it comes to this sort of notion of gender equality about, you know, possibly it might well be better framed in the perspective of why we might want things to be more equitable, rather than following a narrative of what's not right. And again, that might seem a semantics thing, but it's not. But for me, it's about sort of looking forward in terms of why might we want things to be equitable between men and women? Why might that be the case, rather than particularly for someone like me, who's incredibly passionate about gender equality, is that it can be very easy to end up, and I have done this multiple times, ending up browbeating the whole male gender of which my son is one, for example. And that doesn't help in terms of moving things forward. And so it just adds yet another layer. So really focusing in on, you know, just don't shy away from those difficult conversations. Have them head on, have that head on around suicide, around increased rates of mental health, around anxiety, around stigmas of boys talking about emotions, emotionally intelligent boys, you know, conversations that you might pick up from them if they're communicating about their peers and how others see them. Really don't shy away from that and how society creates this narrative of what a man should look like and what a man should provide and how a man should be in the possessions. And I just think it's a really useful conversation. Don't shy from it. But I would also say ensuring that when you have those conversations, that they are conversations. You know, it's interesting that you say that and that we really listen and that we try and understand, particularly, you know, where they're consuming that information from. Because our children are fundamentally a product of what we do in terms of the culture that we create at home, but also we create at home. And I think that's a really good what they absorb, their sponges, what they absorb and what they get from the outside in terms of their peers, in terms of what they get if they're on social platforms or YouTube or they're listening to podcasts, whatever that might be. And I think this is where I feel that we've really done boys a disservice because there's clearly a void. There's clearly a gap. There's not enough out there in terms of that conversation and that support and that challenging. And so, of course, the voices that are the most vocal are often those that are espousing these extreme views of what masculinity looks like, these extreme views of what it becomes, what it means to be male. And of course, that's naturally going to draw them to that because if no one else is saying what it means, if no one else is having a conversation, they're not going to be able to draw them to that. And so, of course, that's then where else have they got to go? So, secure those emotional vocabulary and those foundations for communication. Listen actively. Don't shy away from difficult conversations. Number four is around boundaries and values. Whatever those are for your family, whatever those boundaries, whatever those values are, be consistent in their application. And also be compassionate. I think sometimes we don't realise our view of males and females is so ingrained in us societally and also culturally in terms of the way that we were raised. And so, we're not always, we might think we're very equitable. We may think that we're very compassionate and consistent in the application of the boundaries and values within our homes. I would just challenge you to reflect. I've reflected on it and it's a really hard thing to do because actually it often yields a lot of uncomfortable sort of insights and realisations. And I would say it's certainly when I reflect on the way that I have parented having one of each, having a girl and also having a boy. And I would say that whilst I would argue that the boundaries and the values have been consistently, compassionately applied on further inspection, I don't think they have. There's definitely been a difference based on gender. And I think we just need to reflect on that. We don't need to beat ourselves up. We don't need to kind of go flagellate and say, my goodness me, I'm such an awful parent. We just need to be aware that sometimes the way we pull up our boys around boundaries or values, we don't do it. In an emotionally intelligent, emotionally compassionate way that we might do with our daughters. If you do, fabulous. I would just encourage you to reflect on that for a little bit. So that's number four. Number five is a consistent strategy, whether we've got girls or whether we've got boys. But I think in the application of it, there's a subtle difference. Number five is about helping them problem solve rather than jumping in to fix. Now this can be challenging if you are, like me, a reforming control enthusiast. Maybe you have just always just fixed stuff, or maybe they've not even known that there's a problem because you've always been one step ahead and always been fixing. But it's about ensuring that if we want to raise resilient men, then we really need to equip them with the tools. And what I would just say is when it comes to helping them, problem solve rather than jumping in to fix, it's about focusing in on the skills that they need rather than fixing each specific problem. So let me give you an example. So maybe you've got, I don't know, you've got an older child, an older boy, Tom's got some coursework to hand in, and he's really not done it. Yeah. So we focus in on the problem. The coursework's not done. What do I need to do to fix this immediate problem? Maybe Tom has been, uh, unkind to another child. Maybe he's in year one and, um, he's been unkind to another boy. Maybe he's not reading and you're having challenges around reading. Whatever that might be, rather than focusing in on how do I fix the fact that my, that Tom is being unkind to this other child? How do I fix the fact that Tom is not reading? How do I fix the fact that Tom is not going to be able to hand in his coursework on time or has not handed in his coursework on time? Those are all problems. Yep. They, they're standalone problems. And what we typically tend to do as parents is we firefight the problem. How do I fix this? What do I need to do to do that? Who do I need to communicate with? And what we don't do is actually equip Tom with the skills that he needs so that these issues don't come up again. So some things need an immediate, there's a significant problem and it 100% needs to be fixed immediately. Get that, do that together. It's not your problem. It's Tom's It's a choice through his behavior to be unkind to someone. He's chosen to switch off from reading. It's a choice. He's chosen to put himself in this situation in terms of his coursework. So help problem solve that particular problem, but think through what are the skills that Tom needs in order to be able to avoid this particular issue coming up again. So whether it's being unkind to someone, it's communication skills. What are the help, helping him, Tom, helping Tom develop the right communication skills so that he's better able to communicate with someone who may be annoying him, someone he doesn't want to play with to be able to communicate that. It may well be skills and terms with the reading. The issues could be multiple, but a lot of it is often around confidence is not feeling capable. So how can we build that resilience within Tom so that Tom can have a go and not fear failure? Yeah. And how the organizational skill, how can we look long-term at Tom being able to develop skills of prioritizing, saying no to things, putting the, you know, prioritizing schoolwork above fun, whatever that might be. When we're talking about problem solving, it isn't just let's fix this problem that's come up and encourage them to problem solve, but look at actually, how can we equip our boys with the skills so that we can, they can then do that. It's the whole fate, but it's the whole sort of narrative of, you know, you don't, you can give someone a fish, but if you teach them to fish themselves, they can feed themselves for a long time. And it's the same principle. So number five is about helping them problem solve. Number six. Now this is a really big one. So it's about having men. Now, whether that may, depends what the dynamic is within your family. You may be a single parent, you may be a single parent as a father, you may be a single parent as a mother, but it's having men. And if you are parenting in the traditional stereotypical male, female, it's having a father who models respectful behavior. And that respectful behavior is to women, to other men, being emotionally intelligent, communicating all of the things that we want this resilient boy to become a resilient man. What are those skills? What are the things that we want them to see and to be surrounded by? And obviously when our children are younger, when our boys are younger, that male role model tends to be the closest in terms of their contact. So it could be their father or their uncle, or a significant person who's involved in their day-to-day life. As they move into their teen years, they're more likely to be the closest in terms of their that then shifts and changes to becoming much more of a mentoring relationship with other men. So that might be a teacher, that might be someone that might be a coach if they're on a sports team, it may well be someone at scouts if they're in that, or a particular activity that they have. But when we're talking about raising resilient men in the same way as we talk about raising resilient women, role models are a crucial part of demonstrating that they're resilient. Because within them, they see reflected back to them what it means to be male. And that's a really crucial thing. And it's not just about what it means to be male in terms of what I might become as an adult, but actually how does a male conduct themselves? How does that male talk about their feelings? Do they shut down? Then the likelihood is Tom is going to do the same. So as women, of course we can do lots as their mothers, but we can only go to the top. So having really great male role models, modeling all of the things that we're looking at in terms of emotional intelligence, in terms of communication, in terms of how we treat others, how we treat people just generally, that really comes from being able to see yourself in that lens. So as women, we see ourselves, we model through other women, boys model through other men. So that's a really big one. Number seven is about encouraging self-care. Now, how does that does that feel like an odd thing? Because it seems to be, we often talk about it, you know, or society, we tend to think about it, it's a woman thing, or it's a mother essential skill. But actually, encouraging self-care is for everybody, boys, girls, everybody. So it's, how often do you talk about self-care? Explicitly using that terminology, you know, how often do you kind of talk about, you know, duvet days for our boys, long lounging baths, whatever that might be? Yeah, we don't tend to. So remember, I talk a lot about the bucket analogy, we talk about the things that go into our bucket, and we usually don't realise until things are just overflowing. We can have that conversation with them around that bucket. So it's all about the things that go in. But self-care is about the things that we do that empty our bucket, and the things that we do that we need to do to make sure that we're doing the right thing. So it's all about the things that go in, and the things that we do that we need to do to make sure that we're doing the right thing. And the things that we do that we need to do to make sure that we're doing the right thing. No, empty the bucket, rather than the things that we do that we think empty the bucket, but don't. Again, if you need some more specific details about the bucket emptying, particularly that analogy, we've got a newer episode. So there are a couple of episodes on the bucket emptying episode that you can also find on YouTube, because there's videos there. I've done a recent one, and I would really encourage you to look at that one, and actually watch it through the video, because I actually physically show you a bucket. And so that's a really great one. But self-care is a conversation that we should be having with our sons. It's not something that we do. Typically, I would say, when I think about the language that I've used with both my children, I've used self-care quite a lot with my daughter, but I've not used self-care with my son, probably hardly ever, if at all. So I've talked about bucket emptying, but I've not used the really important thing, because that goes back to this idea about boundaries. How do they set boundaries for themselves to make sure that they take care of themselves? And part of that is that self-care. So that's number seven. Number eight is about looking at a rites of passage program. And that may well be something specifically structured. Maybe your son takes part in something particular. Maybe they really love a particular sport, and there's a bit of a rites of passage within that. It gives them a purpose, gives them an identity, and around that. If not, then it's about looking and investigating what that might look like within your community and also your school. I think that's a really crucial one, and it will be one that I'm going to come back to on another episode. That's one that I think we have to sort of actively seek out. It isn't really necessarily something that we can do ourselves, but potentially we could with a wider sort of community and a wider framework. Now, there's a lot to digest in this particular episode. I've covered a huge amount of ground, so I will come back to this rites of passage program. I think it's a really important piece to return to, but I'm going to leave that there for this particular episode. And so my give this week is going to be these eight points in the usual kind of checklist so that you can have a look at it, and you can kind of think about where you might be at. I would like to thank you for watching this episode. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, I would really welcome some very specific feedback on this from you. Have you liked it? Have you found it useful? Do you need more clarity? Do you need me to do another episode? Wherever it might be, it would be really, really helpful. And maybe even share it with parents of other boys, but also share it maybe with providers of support, whether that's your childminder, whether that's the child attends. It's a really important missing piece of the jigsaw, I think, when it comes to raising boys and raising them into being these resilient men that we want them. So the give is going to be the eight checklist, and I will return to the rites of passage program. If you head over to my free resource library, www.drmaryhann.com forward slash library, you'll find the link to download the resource. All you'll be asked to do is to pop in your email address, and you'll get instant access not only to this week's free resource, but all the other free resources across all my other podcast episodes. As ever, I'm going to make the request that if you have enjoyed this episode, I would love it if you could follow, rate and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. you
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