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Speaker 2Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 20 and today's topic is all about how do we raise compassionate children? In my view, the world has never felt more divisive. Globally, we've had the hugely divisiveness of political views, intolerance and difference of opinions which differ to our own, whether this relates to vaccinations, climate change, or in the UK, the whole division which was created around Brexit. Now, rest assured, we are not going to talk politics. But I do feel extremism and radical views aren't born. They're made. And when we live in a society in which we either consciously or unconsciously place people into groups or give them labels, we are in real danger of dehumanizing. The division comes when we place ourselves in the group which is right and by default, everyone else. Becomes wrong. Take, for example, the current global situation with vaccinations. Division is automatically created when we group and label people who've chosen not to have the COVID vaccine into anti-vaxxers. When we look at this objectively in the cold light of day, surely we can see this is incredibly divisive. It places everyone into a singular group and completely dehumanizes the story behind each individual group. every individual's reasons not to get the vaccine. Some may choose not to out of fear, some want to exercise their right to choose, others for medical reasons, some may lack confidence in the effectiveness of the vaccine and there are a whole host of other reasons I do not yet have full insight or knowledge of. But this is just one of many examples of division. There are so many more. Now I'm not suggesting for a moment we all need to agree. What I am simply saying though is the way we disagree needs to be more mindful. So how does this relate to compassion and children? I hear you ask. Well it comes into our everyday living. When our child comes home from school and says another child has repeatedly pushed them over in the playground, we might describe the other child as naughty, unkind, mean, a bully and encourage our child to just stay away from them, just don't play with them, stay away from them. You know that that's the way that they always behave. Or perhaps there is a child who's disruptive in lessons, acts impulsively and distresses our child. So we ask the school to move our child into another class as we worry it's affecting their learning. Or maybe we walk a little faster past a homeless person failing to make eye contact. Or we frown at a child who's not doing so well. So what I am saying is if we truly want to raise children who are compassionate, tolerant, understanding of differences, we need to make sure that we then we need to act immediately and in the small things that seem trivial, don't seem directly relevant, but all lead and build to these tendencies to group and be divisive and to believe that our opinions are the right opinions and others are wrong. So how do we teach our children to be more open-minded? Well, I think the first thing we need to do is to teach our children to be more open-minded. Well, we need to The first is around promoting a growth mindset. If you're familiar with Carol Dweck and her work on mindset, you will know that a fixed mindset is one which sees our abilities, our personality and habits as fixed, inherited and unchangeable. So we're either sporty or we're not. We're good at maths or not. We're funny or not. We're kind or we're not. We're generous or we're not. The world is seen very much in a different way. So we need to be more open-minded. We need to be in black and white. Growth mindset adopts the view that our abilities, personalities and habits are more malleable. Very much around this idea of neuroplasticity that you might have heard of. We can do anything we set our minds to. The key is simply to practice. The world is seen in its full spectrum of colour and opportunity and hours for the taking. When we place people into groups and categorise them, we adopt a very fixed mindset. Those are the clever people. Those are the sporty people. Those are the naughty people. Those are the disruptive people. Those are the unkind people. Those are the bullies. See, we're categorising. What we can do is when we regularly challenge our child's assumptions about their own abilities, then we can help them with practice number two, which I'm going to talk about in a minute. So when we're talking about growth mindset, we're trying to encourage our children at the basic level to understand that their own abilities, so it's not even at the point that we're talking about other people, but their own abilities, their own personality traits, their own habits are not fixed. So language such as, oh, you're an early riser, or you'll always take ages to fall asleep, or you sleep a lot longer, or you're a fidget. Those sorts of things that we say categorise our children and create this notion of a fixed mindset. What we want to do is be mindful of the language that we use, around our children. And some of us are naturally those that would choose to wake up early, but it doesn't mean that we couldn't choose to wake up later, or a child that sleeps in couldn't necessarily wake up earlier. It's helping our children understand that if they choose to make a change, they can. So when we focus specifically and initially on the differences that our child can make to their own abilities, and we're very mindful of the language that they use, and the language that we use, that creates and fosters much more of an opportunity, which is the growth mindset, rather than this fixed mindset. Carol Dweck quite often uses, and in fact, if you've seen her YouTube TED Talk, she talks about this notion of the power of yet. And I found that an incredibly powerful word, which I have used very often with my children, much to their annoyance and frustration. But when we use the word yet, we take a statement which makes an absolute into one that is changeable. So I can't do maths. I can't do maths yet. Or I can't do algebra. I can't do algebra yet. I can't do spellings. I can't do spellings yet. I can't kick a football. I can't kick a football yet. I can't fly an aeroplane. I can't fly an aeroplane yet. So by our children to be mindful of their language, and also us interjecting this idea of yet, we create and promote this idea of opportunity and growth. And we can do that. I would suggest that you start it very much in terms of your child's own abilities. But in conjunction with point two, which we'll talk about in just a moment, I also want you to be mindful that whilst there may well be children that your child interacts with, who might be quite boisterous, or who might or who might be more physical when they play, it's also being able to help our children understand that personality isn't fixed, that actually, a child can become more compassionate, a child can be kinder, can be more generous, can be more thoughtful, can be more insightful, if they choose to act on it. So that also promotes this idea about growth mindset. But at the very early stages, if you're very early to trying these practices, really focus on the abilities, of your own child and the beliefs that they have about themselves, before moving on to using the growth mindset to encourage them to consider characteristics and personality traits of other people and that the fact that those are also malleable and that those can change. So the first practice is about a growth mindset. The second practice is encouraging our children to consider things from the other's perspective. So the other person's perspective, our behaviour speaks volumes going on in our own lives. So it's no different for the child, in the example I gave earlier on, who might be pushing your child in the playground. It's encouraging our children to think, okay, that choice that that child made in that moment was not the best choice. But what might be going on in their life? Why do we think they might have done that? And really, because that's where compassion comes from, it's that understanding and that empathy for the other person's point of view. And it's this fundamental belief that all people are kind, thoughtful and generous, just in those moments. there may be aspects of what's going on in their lives, how they're feeling and other things that mean that they, in those moments, don't always make the best choices. And it's the same for our children. So it's really encouraging our children to, okay, yeah, I can see how that made you feel really sad. You don't like to be pushed over and then you fell over and grazed your knee or whatever it was that happened for your particular child. But now let's consider, why do you think they might have done that? It may be, for example, one way of considering the other person's perspective is they got overexcited and they didn't realise. And before they knew it, they'd pushed you over. Or maybe they were trying to get somewhere and in that process, they pushed them over. Or maybe they're a bit frustrated. Maybe they felt they feel left out. Maybe they're struggling with friendships. Maybe there's some sadness. Maybe something's been happening at home. What we really want to do is encourage our children to understand that their experience of the world from their world view, the family that they are born into, the opportunities and resources that they have are not necessarily the same as every other child. So it's encouraging our children to understand and to believe that they're not judging another child based on their own personal family background and opportunities, but understanding that not everybody's life is the same as their own. And that's truly where the compassion, that's truly where the empathy comes in, because we're encouraging our children to consider there may be another perspective on it. And one of the things that I will often do, certainly with older children, but you can do this with younger children too. You just have to find an analogy that works particularly well for them, is asking a child to consider maybe if they're watching a school play or if they've been fortunate enough and old enough to have been to the theatre. Or maybe that might be a pantomime that they've seen or at a musical concert or maybe a football game or anything that they've experienced where there is a large audience. What we're asking our child to consider is the situation which has happened is the performance they're watching. So that might be the football match, that might be the theatre play, that might be the musical production. And what you're asking your child to do is, okay, in your seat, you have seen and taken of X. This child came and just pushed me over for no reason. They were just really angry. Now try and consider if you were sitting in a different seat, maybe on the opposite side or to the side of yourself, to the right or to the left of where you're sitting, what might your view of exactly the same situation be?
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Speaker 2So it's encouraging children to try and consider a different perspective. And the reality is we don't know for sure, but by encouraging our children to consider things from another person's perspective, we're taking that absolute divisive view of this is what happened to me and this was what happened. What the child did. And these are the absolutes. But considering these full spectrum of colours as to why you might be getting that particular behaviour, why that situation happened rather than it being this absolute black and white. So the first practice is about promoting a growth mindset, which is very much around this idea of starting from the basics of encouraging our children to see that their abilities, personality and habits are not fixed. They're malleable. They mould. And really using that power of the word yet. The second practice is about encouraging our children to consider things from the other's perspective. And that promotes empathy, compassion and understanding that our worldview is our worldview. It's the lens that we see things through, but everyone else has their own lens. The third practice is about modelling compassion. How quick are we to get frustrated with the driver in front of us? How do we label opposing views? Maybe people who are wrong, people who are evil or technology or social media is bad. Modelling a willingness to try and understand and always be respectful of our child's views are also ways that we can build and promote compassion. So at that basic level, when our children have views which may differ from our own, being respectful of those views, even if they may differ from our own, and trying to avoid these absolutes of you are wrong, or this is not right, or particularly when we see things that might happen in the news, that we might label those, we might label people as bad or evil or unkind. And in lots of ways, when we're looking certainly at extreme situations, then it can be very easy for us to fall into that particular labelling because we want to explain to our children that people who are wrong are wrong. And we want to explain to our children that people who make choices of very extreme behaviour that might endanger other people's lives are bad people. Because we want our children to understand, maybe, that there aren't that many people like that around and that they're safe and that they mustn't worry that these are just bad people and we need to stay away from them. But it's also being able to help our children understand that that person made that choice as a result of a whole host of other things that came into their life and things that happened. So if we're trying to build compassion with our children, then it's about being compassionate for those that have made choices that we abhor, that we cannot fathom or even begin to comprehend why, but we are exercising the notion that all humans by their very nature are kind and that circumstances create situations where people make some really bad decisions in those moments that creates these scenarios where truly devastating, unkind, unthinkable things happen. So it's really trying to model that compassion at those large-scale levels when we see things in news, but also at the minutiae, small, each and every day levels of being respectful of our children's views and how those might differ from our own, even at the basic levels of our children who might differ in their views, just about basic things like vegetables. So I can see that you don't like the broccoli. You're not a big fan of the broccoli and that might be your view. I really love broccoli, but what we need to do is make sure that we eat enough vegetables. So what other vegetables might we, might we choose to eat? So I know that that sounds like a very trivial thing, but it's being respectful of this idea that you can have a different view to mine. And it's not that it is right or it is wrong. It is simply an acceptance that your view is different. So the third one is about modeling compassion. The fourth is around education. And this is really key. If you've listened to my previous podcast with Rania Robinson about how we can start conversations about race and discrimination with our children, education is absolutely key. So when we have prejudice and discrimination, whether this is based on color, gender, or disabilities, they come from a lack of understanding. What we then need to do is help bridge this gap by encouraging our children and ourselves to learn more. My example before about walking faster past a homeless person and failing to make eye contact comes often because it's a situation that we feel uncomfortable with. We don't understand how that person has got into that situation. We don't really know how best to interact with that person. We don't know what to do for the best and what to do for the worst. And there's lots of differing views about whether we leave money, we don't leave money, whether we buy food, and all of these things. So rather than acting from a particular stance, let's encourage ourselves and our children to learn more. Why might people be homeless? What are the situations that cause that? So that that then builds compassion. This idea that people can end up, and when you read these stories about homeless people, they come from all sorts of backgrounds. We often make an assumption about how someone has become homeless. But actually, when we really dig deep, when we really look at the data, when we understand what's happening, we see that there's a whole spectrum of people who end up being homeless. And that that's the whole idea about compassion is education, understanding how these scenarios come out, how prejudice and discrimination become part of that norm, and then being able to understand it more by reading and encouraging our children to do the same. And quite often it's about, we see this when children are sort of scared of other children with disabilities or people who behave differently to them. When we understand, then we can be much more compassionate, particularly even at the basic level where you might have children who are seen as disruptive in a class, maybe they've got attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or they're on the autistic spectrum. But when we truly understand how that manifests itself for that child, that adult, that child adult, that individual, we can be so much more compassionate because we can understand why we see those particular behaviours. So education is key. And then the fifth and final practice is a daily practice of gratitude. And this is something that is so incredibly key when we're looking at raising compassionate children. It's that understanding of the privilege and the wonderfulity, wonder that they have in their own lives each and every day. And it isn't the big privilege. It isn't that they might have all the toys that they want or all the Lego they want, or they might be fortunate enough to be able to go to have really nice holidays. What we're trying to get our children to do when we're talking about a daily practice of gratitude is really drill down to the small everyday things that happen that make that impactful difference. The smile, as they go into school from a teacher that they really respect. A child who picks up their pencil for them when they've dropped it. A child who asks them to play with them in the playground. A clap for a specific performance they may make in assembly. A kind word from a stranger. A compliment from someone who's observed them being really polite in a particular situation. Their favourite lunch at school. It's these, these small things that make the huge differences. And when we're talking about a daily practice of gratitude, it's encouraging our children to reflect each day on the small things that have happened during their day that have lifted their mood, made them smile, given them that warm feeling inside that has really bolstered them. And the research shows that a daily practice of gratitude has a positive impact on emotional well-being. But that, impact happens when we write them down. So having a practice, maybe even at the dinner table of encouraging your children to say the three things that they're grateful for is good. And it will have some impact, but the impact is only statistically significant. So actually impactful when they write it down. Now, if you've got young children, this doesn't mean that they can't do it. Of course, they can do it, but instead they can verbalise their gratitude, but maybe draw something, instead. It's the taking the thought and actually transferring it through your hands onto a piece of paper that makes the difference. So it's encouraging our children to do that daily in a notebook. And I usually recommend that you do it at the end of the day, because what that does is it gets them to reflect on the day and consider those small things. It may well be that they've made some progress with the child that's pushed them over. Maybe that child has asked them to play and they've had a really lovely game. That's part of this idea of the daily practice of gratitude. They write those three down, then they've got a permanent record. And when your child is having a bit of a challenging or a difficult day, they can reflect back. They can go back through their notebook or their sketches that they've drawn and remind themselves of those small yet hugely significant things that have happened during the day. So our five regular practices are promoting a growth mindset, start with the very basic levels of your child's own abilities, personality and habits aren't fixed. They're malleable and changeable before you then adopt the same approach in terms of other people, how they might see others' abilities and personalities and habits that can equally be changed too. The second is about encouraging our children to consider things from the other person's perspective. What might have motivated that particular behaviour? And that helps create empathy and compassion for another person's perspective. The third is modelling compassion, being really honest with yourself about how do you model compassion and tolerance and differences? Do you emphasise them? Do you place people in groups? Do you find yourself modelling compassion or do you model sometimes this divisiveness? The fourth is all about education. What we don't understand, we need to find out more information about. And education is key when it comes to reducing prejudice and discrimination and increasing compassion and empathy. And then the final one is a daily practice of gratitude, a habit of reflecting back on the day and writing three things down from the day that they are grateful for. And these can be big things, but they are so often the small things, the sunshine at break time, the shortbread biscuit that came out in, those sorts of things. So I hope you found that useful. And my give this week is a Raising Compassionate Children checklist, a prompt to remind you. So head over to my free resource library, drmaryhand.com forward slash library, where you'll find the link to download the sheet. All you need to do is pop your email address in and you'll get instant access to this week's resource and also all the other resources across all of my podcast episodes. As ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, please give me a thumbs up and subscribe to my channel. And I'll see you in the next one. I would love it if you could follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. Get a new car
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