294: Rage Bait! Reddit Stories Ft. Ashby

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Okay, I'm freaking out. Oh, wait. No, I do. What's the thing that is the heirloom with the, it's a basket. Yeah, I was literally thinking the same thing. Cornucopia. Cornucopia. Beautiful big word for the family. And I would spell it, but I'm not going to. I just think of the Hunger Games. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time. Every time. I'm so excited. C-O-R-N-A-C-O-P-I-A. Cornucopia. Did you put an A after the first N? Who's asking? The only N. It's a U. Why do you ask? Oh, Cornucopia? Cornucopia. I guess so. People are like, stop saying it like that. Cornucopia. Okay, well, your favorite nuanced girly is back. Woo, we've got Ashby in the house. Yay, thanks for being so nice to me, you guys. I was just saying, when I walked in the door, they were like, everyone loves you. And I was like, I'm not strong enough to have it any other way. Like, I'm not a strong person, and I'm not confident enough. So, thanks for being nice to me. You absolutely crushed it. Thank you. I didn't know you were so healed and therapized and just had such a good way of looking at the stories without assuming the worst in people. Yeah, yeah. You really just went about it in such a, well, I could see this, and, you know, in a healthy relationship, they'd go this way, but you really knocked it out of the park. Thank you. Thank you. I think a part of being, like, quote-unquote healed is, like, knowing that you're not. Like, it's never gonna be done. The work's never done. You know what I mean? And so, to assume that of other people is putting yourself on some high horse. So, I do like to think of everything as, like, you know, it takes two to tango. Sometimes it's 99.9% one person's wrongdoing, but a lot of the time there is, you know, nuance. 99.9999. If you're my boyfriend, you're usually always in the wrong, but there is room. There is room. There is room. Oh, my God. The video I saw that you just posted, massive, massive viral video. Which one? You're cooking with goggles on? Oh, which one? Oh, my God. I'm so humble. Sorry, which one? You're cooking with the goggles on? Oh, my gosh. And what did you say? You were, like, I peed? So, I was. Which is crazy because my boyfriend and I are pretty similar in terms of, like, style of comedy. Yeah. So, we're both pretty big on improv. So, there's never not a moment where we know how something can turn into a funny moment. But this was, like, an organic moment where we were cooking dinner together, and he makes me chop the veggies and he cooks the meat. Right. So, I was chopping up the onion, and I wore these swim goggles to prevent me from crying. And also, fuck you if you think that's not. that doesn't work, because it does work. Can I curse? You looked so cute. Everyone's like, I don't like her anymore. And so, I was chopping up the onion, and I propped up the camera to, like, send a video to my family, because I'm like, I look so funny. And I saw myself in the viewfinder, and yes, exactly that. And I. That's so good. And Ben, my partner, is cooking in the background. And I made a comment where I was like, see, this is how I know I'm not a 10 out of 10, because a 10 out of 10 would still look good in these. And he wasn't listening, and so I was like, right? And he went, yeah. And I, like, look over at him, and I, like, re-grip the knife. And I'm like, what do you mean, yeah? How many views does that have? It's like. It has, like, I remember saying. It has, like, 108 million or something. It's. No, it's insane. Too many, by the way. It's insane. Way too many. But all of them were, like, misogynistic comments of, you took his PlayStation away for this, didn't you? I'm like, what? He's a seven-year-old boy? What do you think this is? Oh, my God. Being like, bitches be crazy. And I'm like, me bitches? You're talking me bitches? What? Unfortunately, when it goes viral like that, it reaches the wrong audience. On Instagram, specifically, there are different audiences. The Instagram is what I saw it on, and it was doing some numbers there when I saw it. She's crazy. And it was very fresh. It's crazy. You just have been cracking me up, man. Thank you. As always. Thank you. So today's stories that I have for you, kind of all across the board, but underlying theme is rage bait. It just makes you angry. Yeah. Not rage bait in the sense where they're writing a fake story to get our goat, and they're just really riling us up. No, they're seemingly apparently real, and I just felt rage. Okay, okay. Because those get me. Those, like, really do. I don't know if you saw it. This is so random. Also, shoot me in the face if I'm talking too much. You have your gun, right? I advise anyone that's with me, just bring a gun just in case I go over. No, you're too cute. You can close your eyes. Anyway, I'm going to put a bag over my head. There was this one viral moment with this girl who bought that Mickey Mouse soap dispenser. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's, like, Disney-branded, and it's this soap dispenser that if you put your hand up to these, like, plastic guardrails and then pump it, it puts out, like, a little Mickey Mouse icon in soap on your palm. And there was this girl that was not using it correctly, and then she would make video after video of her trying different comment suggestions of, like, do it like this, do it like. And it's so clearly one way of operating this thing. Yeah. And that was the first time I experienced true rage wakes. I'm like, it's right there. It's also, like, what are we doing? Like, 20 videos deep. It's so. It comes out really cute. Yeah. Right? Like a little Mickey head. So that was the first. That's what I think of when I think of rage wakes. It's not intentional, necessarily, but also, like, take a beat. You know, take a moment. Google it. Just think a little. Slow down. Just think a little bit. Slow down, read the directions. Right. Right. It's specifically content intentionally engineered to provoke anger, outrage, or frustration. Mm-hmm. And that is what it does. It's very emotionally triggering for me. Right. Mm-hmm. It works. It works. God damn it, it works. Let's see if these stories work on you guys. Let's dive in. No, we love our blanket stories. We love blankies. Throw away because my girlfriend knows my main account. I, 26 male, and my girlfriend, 24 female, have been together for six months now. She's a bit quirky, but I decided to take her to introduce her to my parents. Since they live a few hours away, we decided to stay there for a couple of days. She's a little off, but I decided it was fine. What do you mean? Before leaving for a trip, I asked my girlfriend, I'll call her Sam, fake name, duh, if she could leave her blanket at home. Backstory on the blanket is that she's had it since she was a kid and claims she can't sleep well without it. She said she would leave it at home, but in a way that made me feel guilty, so I caved and I told her she could bring it. Fast forward to us staying at my parents' house, and of course, she brings the blanket. My mom ended up having to grab something from our room, and she saw the blanket. When my girlfriend went to the bathroom, my mom asked me about it, and I explained the situation to her. She and my dad both made a face, so I could tell they found it weird too. A few days ago, during our trip, I decided to take her blanket and throw it in the trunk of my car. When she noticed that it was missing, she asked me about it, and I told her I threw it out. She looked devastated and began silently crying. After a while, she started throwing things in her bag, and when I asked her where she was going, she said, home. I figured it was because of the blanket, and I said, the blanket? Seriously? Is more important to you than making a good impression with my parents? She said yes, and made her way outside, where a taxi was waiting. I ended up giving her the blanket before she left, but she took it from me rather harshly. I asked her if she was still leaving, and she said yes. I figured she was taking the taxi home, so I said, you're seriously taking a taxi home? Over this? That's going to cost a thousand dollars. Her response, what? I said, I'm not taking the taxi home. She said, I'm not taking the taxi home. I said, no, I'm taking a taxi to the train station, because unlike you, I'm not a dumbass. Which was very rude. When I explained what happened to my parents, they said I was an asshole for doing that. I don't think I was in the wrong, because I technically didn't do anything. It's been three days, and I haven't heard from her since. Am I the asshole? Well, yes. My thing is, I'm going to come from this from a very personal standpoint, because I have three stuffed animals that I've had since birth, and they do not leave my sight. If they do, the first person I'm killing is my partner. There's no one above these. They're TY dogs. Do you remember TY? Pound puppies? Huh? Pound puppies? You didn't have a pound puppy? I hope not. That's what they call the cute little, oh, they're cute. Like TY. Yeah, baby babies. It's a big version of that, and I have three identical ones. They're all St. Bernard puppy ones. Anyway, my family thought, I loved one so much, they thought I would lose it, so they bought me two more, and I found them. Smart. And now I have three. They're called dirty dogs, because they're disgusting. They're super cute. Well, they're a biohazard. Yes. Yes. I have three of those. Very expensive. $65 on eBay. Okay. Well, maybe I don't need them. Maybe I'll sell them. There's a price for everything. And my boyfriend, when we first started dating nine years ago, I told him I know you think I'm kidding, but these will be buried with me. Whether, if it's a danger to my future children, they will lie in bed with me. There's no discussion to be had. Again, yes, everything is nuanced, except for this situation, because I believe that, and it's not about it being a blanket. This could be anything of personal, emotional value to someone, and it's how you treat that. So put a different label on it, call it a blankie, whatever. If you're with someone that doesn't, that cares more about how people perceive you, then your property and your emotional state, that's where the problem lies. It also sounds like he himself was already very worried and insecure on how people would perceive it. So he almost brought other people in, like his parents, and said, they agree with me. See, they give me a weird look, and they disagree. But then it's funny, when he told the parents what he did, they were like, why would you do that? Yeah. So clearly, I think he was the main holder of this view that it's a weird thing. I think nothing should matter more than your partner's happiness. And I think if you care more about how they're being perceived, then that's a you problem. And I think that'll transcend blankets in other ways. It'll go into other areas. I totally agree. It's hard, too, because it doesn't seem like he had a true gauge of how his parents would react. He says here, you know, my parents made a face about it, so I could tell they found it weird, too. Found it weird, too. So you already think it's weird from the jump. Right, exactly. Before the trip even happened, you said, please don't bring the blanket. It's embarrassing. So you feel embarrassed by it. I feel like it's so normal for people to have their baby blankets or a childhood blanket still or a stuffy. One of my best friends, Jordan, she has this little doll, and it's a creepy looking doll. I'll try to find a picture that I took of it for you guys. But she was so embarrassed about having her little baby doll still that she slept with it tucked in the backside of her pillow. Oh, no. Instead of like just out and about. Yeah. And so I discovered it in the pillow when I was like staying at her place. I was like, what is this? Because it's like, it's fine to just have it out. But like the fact that it like I could see a face. Yeah, that is like going through the pillowcase. Right. I was like, what's going on here? But I mean, so many people like I have my stuffy from when I was a baby Lambert. I'd still have my baby blanket if I didn't forget it at that Black Bear Casino Hotel when I was seven. What were you doing at a casino hotel at seven? They had the pool and the, you know, the arcade. Right. So you'd go, kids would go to the arcade. Parents would go play poker. Fun. Okay. Two birds, one stone. Every birthday party was there. Right. A little fun time and some debt. Yeah. So it is clearly a him issue. And to finally give it back when the taxi is already called, bag is already packed. Like this is. It's just like psychological warfare. Like to pretend. Yeah. It threw it away. That to me, anytime a partner tries to test reactions from their significant other, that's a big warning sign. If you're trying to egg them on, if you're trying to see, test the waters. Yeah. I know we talked about that in previous stories of faking a scenario or seeing how far they can go with something. They're gauging what they're able to then get away with. Yeah. What boundary they're able to push. Whether they know that or not, that's something that people subconsciously do. And to do this, seeing how, what her reaction would be rather than sitting down and communicating. Because again, to play devil's advocate, if this is something that really does bother him, if this is something that affects him personally, intimately, you know, there are a ton of different factors. That does not warrant what he did. That warrants a conversation. Yeah. And if after all of that, she still says, I understand where you're coming from. This is so important to me. I think you should sit down with her once and your once and really hopefully choose something that's not, you know, it's not like she's getting a face tattoo that you hate or it's not, everyone's going to see it. It's a blankie. It's a blankie. A blankie is not hurting anyone. And I do think that should have been so easy instead of, oh, I threw it out. Because that does happen to people. Like that does happen to people. We've covered stories where we had this one like bear bear and it was someone stuffy that had a voice recorder in it. And I think I read it. I read it at the New York live show and I want to read it again for the main coming up soon because it needs to be heard. But it was a bear stuffed animal and it had a voice recorder of dad or grandma or someone that had since passed. And I think that's a really good thing. I think that's a really good thing too of like picking. I always say in my relationship too, I always want to feel like we're on the same side, even if we're in opposing views. So in this scenario, it would have been so nice for him to say like, like you were saying, hey, my parents may not understand this and I want them to. And I'd love for them to get to know you and how caring and empathetic and soft you are. And I would love for, you know, your blankie to have its own moment down the line. I don't know if they'll fully grasp it. And that's on them. Like put the blame on other people's perceptions rather than- Because you guys are the team. Right. So to say like blankie's the problem, you're the problem. They'll be able to copy and paste that argument into anything in the future, you know? So you can get your point across, but also know who you're going home with. Know who you're trying to spend the rest of your life together with. Yeah. Justice for blankie, man. Justice for blankie. Justice for blankie. Comments very clearly on the same side of us. A lot of you're the asshole. You're the asshole. What on earth made you think it was your place to even pretend to throw away she obviously values. Right. Would you try to throw away jewelry that she has an emotional attachment to? Time to do some growing up. Also, welcome to single life again. OP responds, jewelry is different. That's something normal for adults to have around. A blanket isn't normal for an adult to have around. Silly. Yeah. You're the asshole. As a matter of fact, you're not only an asshole, you're a dumb single asshole. You don't have to worry about your girlfriend finding this post as I don't think she's going to like it. You're the asshole. You're the asshole. You're the asshole. You don't think you have a girlfriend anymore. Where exactly did you think it was a good idea to steal and hide one of the most important things in your ex's life and lie about throwing it away? You did know it was important. Otherwise, you wouldn't have hid it in your trunk, but you would have actually thrown it out. And OP goes, I didn't throw it out because I'm not a monster. I just wanted to prove to her she didn't need it all the time. Yeah. Again, testing limits, testing boundaries and yeah testing her that's the best way to put it so we do get an update but the update actually comes from the girlfriend oh it comes from blankie could you imagine oh my god how the hell was it magic toaster that there was a blankie that talked you lost me did you ever see the magic toaster on disney plus no disney no what year is this oh it's old oh so no is there a talking blankie on magic toaster yes brave little toaster brave little toaster not the magic toaster brave little toaster no you should watch that movie his name is blankie okay i'll watch so he talks oh yeah it's okay it's a tearjerker okay be prepared i'll watch it so it starts off like this hi dumbass fake name duh firstly you really had to come to reddit to ask this secondly you continue to be a dumbass what did i say to you as i got in the taxi quote never contact me again i dumped you i guess the ouchie you got from me calling you a dumbass was more important thirdly i blocked you so of course i haven't answered your tax now for the nuance you left out yes you did ask me to leave the blanket at home and i was more than willing to do so but after you insisted i was fine to bring it for two days including a day we had the initial conversation i ended up bringing it the blanket was a hand from my late aunt which you knew your parents later apologized to me for your behavior because you can't apologize for yourself i can sleep without the blanket i just prefer to sleep with it because it's cozy and allows good air circulation in both warm and cold you're correct in one thing though i am childish i like cartoons video games my blanket and sweets there's nothing wrong with that you've known that since day one and used to compliment me for being unapologetically me thanks for the good laugh this morning though see you never dumbass i shouldn't laugh it's very funny it's so good it's so good and i think there there's something that i and again i also want to preface too because i said this at the very end of the last episode but i think it's important to say before is that i'm coming into all of these with a very unique perspective in that i am not in the dating pool i haven't been in the dating pool for uh nine plus years and when i was dating it was passing by and i was like oh my god i'm going to middle school in high school um so i'm coming at this from a very in a bubble yeah perspective but i have also a unique perspective in that i see a lot of people from the outside and kind of what they're going through with dating and with relationships and i feel like this is a common theme of i love how authentically you you are and i love when you're yourself until it challenges them and until it actually rubs up against what they had the you know an ideal in their head it's cute on paper you know oh she likes cartoons she likes anime she likes all this stuff until it's like you see it in action until you you know meet the parents you need to grow up and really mean what you say and i don't like how people shift the i love how authentically you you are until it's like a little too much yeah until they don't like it or until it's real you're just a little too much right but you loved how much i was right so that's i don't like that no it's kind of that question where i've asked people i've been breaking up with or like kind of in a bad part of a relationship with but it's like do you like the idea of me or do you like me like what is it because then it's all of me it's not these things that are perfect for you on paper right that you get to you know build your own poly pocket and that's that's not how life works yeah the whole like the idea of me is is very important too because i think you get into that my older sister is very work driven she's very work driven and she's so good at what she does and men love that on a hinge profile until they start dating a woman that is career driven and makes more money than them they love saying it at a bar with their friends like here is my girlfriend that makes all this money and that is really successful and she's working her way up to partnership and all this until they live that reality and then they're like ah actually you know i don't love this as much or i want a gamer girlfriend until she has a higher kill death ratio than you and then it's like i actually hate this towards you now so it's like men do and not just men women do this too but i see it a lot with with men of like they have this ideal and then when it's actually put into play yeah i actually liked all of the uh more dormant more subtle parts of this yeah they don't love the actuality of a lot of these things that they that they want in in women i think the biggest thing that always blows my mind too and i've seen it in stories and then kind of again in real life with people in my life but you'll have a couple cishet couple the woman is the breadwinner and it's still this conversation of like okay yeah so when we have kids you'll you'll stay home right she's the breadwinner why wouldn't you stay home yeah like why is that automatically assumed right it's it's it's so interesting like in the roles of everything too because it is a lot of of assuming and sometimes i i like that like i like being assumed to be the one that can decorate and make it into a home better than you god forbid he ever tries um to decorate our space um but then there are also moments where like i'll change the tire and i'll you know fix all the holes and i'll do the plumbing and i'll do this stuff and as long as your assumptions don't challenge someone's want to do something then you're good if your assumptions create this like heavy expectation that goes against what someone wants to do but again grain of salt too because i have expectations with you know my boyfriend and he's like well i don't really always want to do the navigation i don't want to drive everywhere and then i have to be like you know what that's fair like there's a balance but you can be pastor princess too right right exactly i got you um but i think as the key to that is willingness and flexibility and being an open-minded person uh i don't even know how we how we got here but i really appreciate this conversation and that's just like you gotta ebb and flow yeah it's like you can kind of hold fast here but like there might be a situation where it's like okay a little gray area yeah i gotta have a little more leeway yeah yeah am i oh my god sorry get the gun i'm talking again but it's my sister to piggyback into clothes to digress i guess yeah my older sister was like i saw this thing online and it was in every relationship one is the rock and one is the star like which one are you it's like a buzz and i was like okay well i mean what does that mean to be a rock or a star and she's like well the star is you know the more passionate one the more uh you know career driven or or life driven and always kind of wanting to be center of attention in a good way then the rock is like the steady the the foundation the one that kind of holds it down not in the background but it's just the more i guess solid one in life um and she's like which one do you think i am and i was like well i don't think you should be one or the other i think a good relationship you you flip-flop uh because there have been times in our life where i had to be the rock and he because he was the star and um i think recently not to use this word star literally but he has had to be my rock like because everything's been so crazy and now it's my turn to kind of be more in the foreground and and so i think as it pertains to roles uh i love that no you have to be able to ebb and flow because you're gonna have so many different seasons in your life yeah i don't want to be the rock all the time i don't want him to be the rock all the time right i think having the balance is what allows life to be so fun and full right and make a really healthy balanced relationship it's a beautiful analogy thank you for bringing us full circle and wrapping that up with that okay moving on to this next one also from am i the asshole titled am i the asshole for not knowing a candle wasn't supposed to be lit it had wicks that's really funny i've seen discourse on this stuff i went to the bathroom last night and it was stinky so being the considerate boyfriend i am i lit the candle my girlfriend left on top of the toilet and then we went to walk the dogs the candle looked like most scented candles i've seen round glass tan colored wax inside smelled good all caps had fucking wicks we get back smoke alarm is going off house is cloudy but no worse than burning food in the oven smoke's worse in the bathroom so i blow out the candle and she tells me you're not supposed to light that candle what the fuck why would it have wicks why would she put it on top of the toilet to me it's like having a doormat you're not supposed to step on in your front door do most guys know about this seems mad at me but i told her it's crazy to do that am i the asshole i there's like this also a certain type of candle that i think some people don't it's like sentinel or something candle yeah it's like an expensive the bug ones i grow i don't know i saw one thing and i'm talking like i know it but it's people do get picky about candles yeah no there's there's candle like i'm very frugal that i don't buy something that i'm not going to use or like i don't do decorative anything like um if i go to someone's house or if you know my boyfriend buys something and it's unused like a wick is unburnt i won't do it myself i'm not going to initiate that yeah so that's my only thing but i would also light a bathroom candle and start a fire and be like i thought i could light that candle i'm so sorry i mean like lighting the candle isn't the worst of your problems here it's the fact that you literally lit it and then left your house and yeah that part is crazy it's like why are we smoking up the house you don't leave kind of candle it's like gasoline infused candle why is it smoking up the house i know that's why i'm like i personally i'm kind of like torn on this one because i'm like i like your rule of like i'm not going to initiate an unlit candle yeah but at the same time like are there only decorative candles surely not that sounds silly right that's silly but also it didn't burn like a normal it sounds like it burnt like it started the house yeah like a log of wood a smoke yeah chamber like either way in terms of like am i the asshole no you don't know what you don't know yeah i think if you continue for some reason to burn these decorative candles then it's then it's an issue like hey what are you doing i mean there's there's rules with candles too like technically the first burn of a candle you're supposed to let it burn all the way through till it's completely this is coming this was coming from like a crazy candle snob i don't know if this is real have not fact-checked okay maybe bailey can help me but if you let it get completely liquid on its very first burn it will technically last you longer oh maybe this is candle lore but she this candle gal it was like that crazy expensive candle from anthropology that has like 12 wicks sure so like i feel like she probably knew what she was talking about i guess so so maybe there's decorative ones that are just more like almost like diffuser vibes and it's just more about the vibe maybe it was like one of those super expensive ones that's like 80 bucks for a baby candle i don't know i i don't know i just bought a candle warmer that feels lifesaver for me right i used to leave a so i only allow myself warmers your little pyro with timers now so i have if i turn the warmer on i have to set the timer at the very least i mean you could see it though right the timer no the flame mama you see the flame that it my candle warmers don't have timers no no no like you see like i could see that one right there there's a candle warmer in the back of the room yeah that's lit yeah i could see that right with you know with my eyes correct you can't see that no but i just forget about it still wow the minute i walk out of that room i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god wow out of sight out of mind you know what i don't judge that's how severe adhd wow okay interesting yeah okay interesting i did some research allowing the entire top surface of a candle to become completely liquid forming a full melt pool helps it burn evenly and prevents tunneling yeah where the wick burns straight down the center so it actually makes the candle last longer wow yep i mean but how much longer like i i don't even know how long i mean for like a three wick candle wow like think about the that's expensive the the bougie ones um i think it's like six hours so you have to be committed to that first burn otherwise don't light it wow so the candle i don't want to live life like that candle i don't like the word snobs candle connoisseurs purists no yeah that's more intense i don't know i don't want to live life like that like i have so many other things that i like i have to remember to take out my tampon it's like oh another thing i toxic shock and i have to worry about a fucking candle evenly burning i know you're kidding i'm gonna die did you know there's like little filters on the front of washer machines you're supposed to change what are you talking about and it's just you don't think there's too much there's too much stuff you you have to change your fridge cartridge filter like every six months or every year i kind of do like doing that stuff but who yeah all of these things have maintenance where's the list you know the girl with the list yeah where's this list fair life list life list it is a it is a there's also a little tray for crumbs on the bottom of a toaster yeah what the hell yeah why are you supposed to clean that out every so often hate that i mean just really anything that i have to like pay attention to or reset to work again i don't want to ever do it again yeah ever i cleaning like emptying a vacuum is whoa that's i actually love that no i'm like a one-time use i've bought 120 dysons did you imagine i don't know how it works i just keep buying them when it fills up i'm like where goes another one like 600 vacuum i just i can't do it anymore i love i can't do it anymore vacuuming and i love emptying that thing out i loved when they get clogged and i have to problem solve which shoot has the lint in it it's too loud it's such a fun like i don't blow dry my hair it's too loud i do wear earplugs when i blow dry typically oh have you been diagnosed with anything because i'm working on it it's yeah that's expensive too getting diagnosed i'm like lord help me just i gotta i gotta go she's great really four sessions a lot of interview based and questionnaires i just know she's great i feel like they're gonna trick me into saying something they're like have fuzzy socks ever made you feel calm and i'm like yes it feels like a trap i wouldn't feel calm and fuzzy you start to go through every question then you overthink it you're like is everything autism and you're like no i know well there's this one there's that one question where they ask you like what do seven and eight have to do with autism and you're like have in common and you're like well it's what divisible by two or whatever and then they say like they're both numbers so it's like people on the spectrum usually overthink and overcomplicate things no i didn't have an answer yet and i was like they're both green like to me in my head they're green i'm like oh they would have gotten me on a 10 charges like i'm going to jail for life like they've surpassed diagnosing me it's just prison time seven is green eight is red eight's purple if i'm being so for real seven is green eight is purple seven january thursday are green i think september is green seven no september feels orange or yellow september is yellow october's orange obviously true a is red autism is purple it is oh my god this is so good okay well where do you fall on the candle guy because oh right sorry we did have like i don't know like i get he's like got this attitude about it but like is he the asshole or not i think he's seeking community yeah so no i don't think he's the i think he knows he's not the asshole i think he's just like what the heck like has anyone else experienced this i think if his partner were to get genuinely upset past this one moment i think that would be an issue because it's it's a mistake yeah at the end of the day but i'm kind of on his side i'm like what's that doing there but also don't burn unburned candles don't burn candles unsupervised do not light a candle and leave your house you are an asshole for that yeah but lighting that candle again maybe back to your initiative though he could have been like hey can i light this candle yeah but in his head he's like i took a shit and i'm trying to save her malice involved truly the intent i mean there's intent versus impact and that's a big thing yeah road to hell paved with good intentions though sure you know hey what wait what'd you say yeah before this i told her i was like i'm i have an exercise for myself which is to not agree with people just because it makes me socially feel more comfortable like if i don't know what they're talking about i can't just be like no yeah totally me right and so i'm working so you'll see that happen the road to hell is paved with good intentions it's a saying wow yes and it's that intention versus impact got it got it got it okay because i used to like one of my things that i have been working on in life is i used to be all about intention like i was like well i didn't mean to and that was my first line of defense i didn't mean for that i didn't mean you know to be mean or i didn't mean to hurt your feelings whatever but i realized impact is both are to be considered but impact is the one on paper that people will remember and look at and associate with you um what are we talking about candles the devil the devil hell so overall vote on this one asshole what yeah reddit stamped asshole you guys yeah top comment with 21 000 upvotes you're the asshole wrong question in your post header doesn't matter if you made a mistake about whether the candle was one you should light never ever leave a burning candle unattended ever fair so yes for the for the flight flight risk what am i talking about flame flame shut up that's to me not you sorry i was talking to myself for the risk of starting a fire yeah you are an asshole yes you're just stupid that that's a silly stupid thing and that's the thing like where it's like am i the asshole for lighting that candle no no no no i think that's where i was like no but like for leaving it on the wrong thing here yeah yeah next top comment dude never leave a candle lit in a room you're not staying in but especially not when you're leaving the house yeah all caps your girlfriend might have wanted the candle because it was pretty and you can pick it up to smell it yes i can see why you thought it could be lit but that takes a back seat to lighting it and then leaving the house you're the asshole also if he knew he was going to take the dogs for a walk why does it matter if you light a candle or not you're not going to be there the smell will dissipate by the time you get back also turn on the fan also a fire risk i've heard oh also can i address something i made a joke at the top of last episode where i said as a joke yeah you know people say i look a lot like zendaya there were so many comments saying this bitch actually thinks she looks like zendaya no are you kidding me and for a number of reasons do i not look like zendaya but that was one of those things where i was like oh no i gotta be careful about what i say i don't think i look like what i said you're kidding me also okay how do you feel about this there's no candle but you light just the match and just flame that around i have done that but only because i like the smell of right we kiss i love the smell of a burnt match i really do yes but i don't put it to toilet paper the toilet paper burning smells like a s'more tiktoker dead house fire i try it tonight would you imagine um okay i don't burn it Burn stuff, people. Don't burn stuff. Don't burn stuff. Don't burn anything. I can't believe that. No, yes, don't do that. Don't burn candles. Get a warmer. Make sure your electrical is safe. Just open the door and waft. That's what I do. Like, if it's real bad, you know, I waft it. Arm workout at the same time. And now the whole house stinks. So we do get an edit. Edit. Aside from the obvious that I shouldn't have left with it lit, I take responsibility for that. If all other scented candles are fair game, except if they're out of season, she doesn't like the house to smell too much like dogs, so she likes when I do. The big question here is, why the fuck are there wicks in a decorative candle you're going to put above a toilet and not tell me it's off limits? Not a great edit. He does come back with edit two. I accept I am the asshole, but still, fuck those candles. For sure. For sure. That's fair. That is fair. Because I feel like if you were to take out the part where he lit it and left it undetended, you know. Not the asshole. Not the asshole. Yeah. Edit three. Oh, holy shit. Y'all know how to beat a dead horse. I get it. I'm an asshole for leaving the house with it. I've accepted that. I will be sure to never do it again. Now try imagining the question as in I lit it and sat down on the couch and then it started smoking. Am I the asshole then? Girlfriend and I share candles, share a household, and share the financial responsibility for these. They are not hers. They're ours. This question was just supposed to be about how in the hell I was supposed to, without being told, know that there was a fake candle I shouldn't have lit. The label doesn't say anything, just hand-poured wax. I feel for him because I feel like he is trying to find validation in this candle experience and people won't let the other part die, which is valid, but him being like, guys, please, I just want to know if anyone's ever experienced like a fake candle situation. I do. I feel like, you know, hopefully he's learned his lesson. He comes back. No. There's two more edits. Final edit. It is a fucking candle, like a candle candle. I've been at work all night, but I got home and just looked at the bottom. Instructions say trim wick to one quarter before lighting. I did not do this as being the apparent caveman. I see candle. I light candle. She's a slut. She's asleep, so I can't rub it in her face after she said that candle isn't supposed to be lit. They're not meant for that, but this is all I need. Am I the asshole for leaving it lit for a quick piss walk before bed with her and the dogs? Yes. Am I the asshole for thinking this stupid thing was in fact a candle? No. The cutting the wick thing was ignorance for not thinking the protective lid that usually comes with the plastic peel around it would have prevented someone from lighting it otherwise, and they probably should make the damn things ready to go. Here's a lesson to anyone. There's someone out there about to light a candle. Apparently, they have instructions. I now know she was wrong, and we never got into a major fight, so I will humbly, and in the least petty way, just leave the candle upside down next to the sink so when she wakes up first to brush her teeth, she can know that this candle was in fact meant to be lit and that I was right. I can't add links or pics here, but it's called mermaid shimmer from at home. I may be dumb, but I can hang my hat up knowing I had every chance to do it. I have every right to light it. Good night to all, and have a pleasant tomorrow. Okay, well, now he's the asshole, but also, I, I, I feel like I want to, I want him to write a book or something. He's quite the passionate writer. I do feel bad in that he cares so much about this. You are the asshole now for trying to make a statement, flipping it upside down so your significant other can see the label. That's not what she meant by these aren't supposed to be lit. It's not that kind of candle. It's like when you buy a dish towel. Yes, functionally, it can perform as a dish towel, but if it's a decorative towel, you're like, hey, these ones aren't supposed to be used. It's not because it cannot perform as such. It's because this type of hand towel is not supposed to be used. So to die on that hill is a little crazy, but you know what? You got to give it to him. He found a hill and he will not die. Die on the hill? Yeah, that's a hill he's been on. He's willing to die on. Yes, thank you. Absolutely. I will say I just found a picture of the candle, the mermaid shimmer. Also, it's called mermaid shimmer. Good night to all. Good night, all. Quite the exit. The jar is beautiful. It's a shimmery aquamarine. Yes, that is a bathroom candle for sure. But it looks like a normal candle, just normal white wax with a little wick in there. So I would have probably assumed that it was safe to light as well. There is one final update from our friend here Oh, no. I was tipsy and kidding. I was actually doing the petty stuff though. It did cross my mind. I will go to at home tomorrow and buy her the same candle and put it back atop the toilet. If you've read anything I've said, I've certainly learned my lesson about leaving candles unattended. I will also apologize and ask that she either cut off the wicks or tell me that she has a candle that she doesn't want used as this is a first time thing. We're fine. Since the candle is already ruined, however, I will be damned if I don't buy it. I will burn the rest of that fucker down to the bottom after trimming the wicks, of course. This boils down to, if we're talking like to really analyze this, it's nothing but a thing. It should not cause someone to seek validation online to this extent. I get asking your friends like, hey, dude, have you ever had this before? Because my girl's saying this. That's fine. But there's more to be said about, I think, the relationship and your habit of communication or lack thereof to seek people's public opinion. And to drunkenly, you know, give insight into the situation and talk about your, like, I couldn't imagine, again, in my personal relationship, going online and saying, my boyfriend said this, I did this. What is everyone's opinion? What's 20,000 people's opinion on this? I think you're talking to the wrong people. I think people, though, like looking at him and how he wrote it, he fully expected to go on Reddit. Right, and get support from it. And get support and feel so validated and good and then be able to go back and say, hey, babe, look, you're the one. You messed up, babe. And the fact that he didn't get that was such a surprise. I mean, the post blew up. Like, it went super viral. So not everything, and this is important, not everything has to be proven. If I don't like something and I don't have the best reason behind it, if I don't like a certain smell or if I don't like a certain route on the way home, we can discuss it. Oh, I need to hold that in more. But like, if I, truly, why are you going that way? If you don't, I know. Why'd you turn here? If you don't like something, or if I don't like something, if my partner doesn't like something and they say, well, give me a reason. If they need a reason. Yeah. Past like logistics and safety and all that stuff. If no reason you give is good enough of like, in this example, her being like, I just don't want that candle lit. It is a lightable candle. It's sold to be a lightable candle. I don't want it lit. That should be enough. And the way he went about this shows me that maybe that's a harder thing for him to grasp. He pushes boundaries a bit more. Yeah. I mean, it's only a $6.50 candle. It's being resold though on eBay and Macari. I'm like, up the sales of this candle. Yeah, for like $19 and $18 though. Oh my gosh. So maybe it was a limited edition and now you can't get it. Right. But yeah, I think it's just like basic respect at the end of the day. Right, right, right. And now you know. Now you ask. And you've said, hey, if you have any candles I shouldn't light, let me know. Right. Maybe you just burn toilet paper instead. I've heard that works. Give it a go. It smells like s'more. Or a marshmallow. It does smell good. I will try that in a controlled environment and I'll text you if it smells like s'more. Just take a video. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. You know that one friend, the person you message when you need advice on your unhinged boss, intense mother-in-law, or just what to order for dinner? Well, like that friend, State Farm is here to support you. With a State Farm agent, you know someone is there to help protect what's important. And with so many coverage options, it's nice to have help finding what fits for you. Go online at statefarm.com or use the easily accessible app to get help from one of their local agents. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Okay, this next one for us. I don't know how I feel about you. You know, first impressions are important, but I feel like it's really the second impression that'll get you. Well, now I'm not so shy. That's when they start opening up. You gotta be careful. I'm not so nervous. I'm showing my true self. Maybe nerves are good. Maybe we just keep some stuff in. You know what? What'd that guy say? That he loved how authentically you. Right. Well, I didn't say that, though. So you gotta be careful. I never told you that. You're supposed to be my friend. Okay. She's so mean to her. No, it's all love here. So this one is coming from r slash relationship advice titled Weird Coincidence or Spyware on Phone. Oh, okay. Okay, this is going to sound paranoid, but it's happened too many times. Every time I, 29 female, send out a text message, my significant other's phone will ding. He's 34 male. But this is the weird paranoid part. Only for the first text I sent and not the entire conversation. But then, say, an hour goes by and I send a text, his phone will ding again. I first noticed this happening early in my life. Every morning when I would text him, my carpool. His phone would ding at 6am when I sent the text to them. If it is some spyware on my phone, how can I find it? I've searched my apps and ran malware bites and incognito app. Am I just crazy? I feel like this is what past cheating does to a relationship. Does spyware even exist that would only ding at certain times? Just yesterday, we were sitting next to each other. I text my friend, his phone goes off, and he didn't even look at his phone. He always checks incoming texts, lol. I asked him who was messaging him, and he quickly looked and said, work. What's going on? Interesting. I mean, my first assumption is that it's some sort of like CC, like blind, you know, whatever, like how they do with emails. But it's interesting how it's only the start of a conversation. And also, like the fact that his ringer, is on, points that it's maybe not related, like correlation causation thing. Because I feel like if you were running a spyware thing on someone's phone, you would have it on silent, so they wouldn't pick up on it. Unless it, maybe she's using ding as like a universal, like his phone lights up or something. Yeah, true. It vibrated. I don't know. That's interesting. I find it weird that it's like every conversation, like even the carpool work friends or the work carpool group. So it's like, is he really that insecure? And paranoid and really trying to keep tabs on her to where it's every conversation. Right. And I'm just, it's scary. It's scary. I would need to know more, I think, about the relationship. Obviously, she said she's had past cheating incidents, you know, where she has this valid insecurity. If that insecurity is prevalent on both sides in that relationship, then I'd be like, okay, well, yes, obviously, I think this is something that is very possible. But I just, I don't know. Do we have an update? So we do get a couple comments from OP, but that's really it on the initial post. Just that, like that small glimpse that there could be more cracks here. Is this, does this exist? Could this be something that someone put on? Yeah. Yeah. But like, there's clearly something going on with her being like, I feel like this is what past cheating does to a relationship. Kind of meaning like, hey, there's been past cheating here. There's control. Did she say in this relationship there was past cheating? This is what past cheating does to a relationship. So not specifically our relationship, but kind of reading between the lines, like there's maybe some cracks. Yeah. But very real account. I mean, verified email, a part of the seven year club on Reddit. So not seeming like it's obviously fake. And to me, I'm like, it feels like it's way too big of a coincidence. Yeah. I think you would, you would notice very quickly. Every single time you initiate a conversation, there's also this ding in the other room. That's so interesting. I know. So people start asking, do you have a reason to think he'd put spyware on your phone? This does sound weird though. I would try going through your settings to see all the apps that are installed slash used data. I think there are a couple of YouTube videos out there that will show you how to check. OP responds. I really don't know why he would put this on my phone. It's just been a consistent thing that I've been ignoring. Now that we're in closer quarters together, I just can't stop noticing it. Someone else asks, have you researched to see if you can find an app that would do that? Something you could install on someone's phone to send you a message when they send texts, then you might at least know what to look for. OP responds. I did, but still couldn't find any of the apps that I discovered. Flexispy, Mispy. However, many sources said the app can be hidden really well. So unless you're tech savvy, it's hard to find. So someone says you should send a text. When the partner is near and see what happens. And OP goes, you know what? I'm going to test it. We're hanging out later tonight. When his phone is visible, I'll send a text to my friend. I feel a little bad testing. It feels like I'm accusing him. Like who the fuck would put spyware on someone's phone? I'll keep you all updated. I feel like that does happen a lot in relationships that I've been a spectator of. A lot of the times it's women feeling guilty, not all the time, but a lot of the time it's women feeling guilty, to not accuse or to not speak up or to not say something as to not offend people. And that sucks because I don't think, again, this is generalizing, but men do the same thing. I think men will just like outwardly accuse or say certain things. And so I feel like this, it annoys me. It frustrates me that I think women are always so protective of men's emotions and feelings. And so they don't speak up or they don't, even like in public settings, they don't like say, get away from me. And they don't, cause they don't want to offend or hurt feelings or cross. A line where as men don't necessarily do that again, all very generalized statements, but this is another one of those things. It's like, ah, like let's say he is doing that. He's in the wrong to have that type of consideration of like, oh, I don't want to offend him or accuse him. It's like, no, we kind of have to get out of that. It's hard to do, but we have to get out of that mindset. Like, Hey, can I see your phone? And then literally I would, I would send a text to my friend. I wouldn't even like try to sneak it. I'd be like, what's going on? This is like the weirdest thing. I feel like our Apple accounts are linked. Like every single time I send a text, I notice it almost like play the fool a little bit. It's like, I don't even know what's going on. I'm like, play the fool a little bit to, as to not cause annoying, annoying that you have to do this, but like to not cause a defensive reaction. Um, it's like, this is the weirdest thing. I just keep like, do you notice that? Isn't that so odd? I know. And then kind of see what his reaction is. Cause I feel like very easily you'd be able to tell if someone's like panicking about you being onto them. That's a really good point because on the off chance it is an accident, an innocent, whatever, a shared eye cloud, X, Y, Z, like to just ask, which you should be able to, ask your partner if you're in a healthy, good relationship, but it could be an innocent mistake. I mean, there is another comment here where someone says, does your AT&T account itemize all outgoing texts? If so, check the log and see if you are sending to him at the same time. You could also disable data and wifi and test, send an SMS. It might narrow down how he's doing it. Factory reset your phone and only restore apps you know about. That's good. That's smart. But yeah, crazy that that's, there's a lot of nuance within this of, you know, would he, why is this a theme? We get an update. Oh my God. I love, I love doing this because it's not just me on Reddit being like, shit, there's no update. Like you have updates. Like you pick stories with updates. I love that. Okay. Hey guys, my post was removed because it hit a cap limit and should have started an account with throwaway. I don't think I need to do that to update, but really don't know. So we're hanging out and he eventually put his phone down face up on the table. Between us. I send a text to a friend that said, quote, why are you spying on my phone? His phone fricking dinged. I couldn't read the notification screen, but that's no coincidence. After confronting him, he finally admitted to keeping track of my texts and location, but I still don't know why he did. He was gaslighting hardcore. He kept saying how I said, I always tell him I don't trust him. He's cheated, which led him to thinking I was hiding something and he couldn't trust me. What the fuck? And he was tracking my location for my safety because he worries about where I'm at. I also don't know the specific way he did it. I did factory reset thanks to y'all's recommendations, then changed my password on everything. I'm considering changing my username on this account. I guess trust your gut instinct. This is the worst time for this to happen. I don't know where he is staying. He still has stuff here. I have a bad history with this guy too. I don't know why I give people so many chances. Thank you guys for your help. I'm glad I reached out. I was shocked by the support. I had a lot of messages just checking up. Wow. That, I think to me, again, not knowing more than this about the relationship, given that we know he has cheated in the past. I think it's so easy for her to say, well, he cheated. Why is he looking at me? Why is he not trusting me? I don't think it's a matter of distrust. I think it's possession. Like that's what that sounds like to me. Control. Yeah. He knows what he's capable of. And so I think he's viewing other people with that kind of worldview. And I think a lot of the times we see people who are willing to do things like cheat on their partners and they almost normalize that for other people in the way they talk about it or expectations for their partner. And so I think him knowing what he's done, I think there's one insecurity, but then there's also like that. Possession of, I need to know where you are because like you're mine kind of thing. That's just, it's terrible that that's even a thing. Insane that you can do that on a phone. I did not know that. And to hide it to where she can't even find the app. Right. But also again, huge on trust your gut. Very rare. I saw this thing where it was like, and this was before AI. Fuck AI, by the way. It was saying that our brains are like artificial intelligence and that we collect insane amounts of data on the daily. And when we have a gut feeling, we're not going to be able to do that. And so I think that's a huge thing. Feeling. It's easy to just kind of like throw that away and just be like, oh, it's my gut feeling. But it very well could be a collection of data points, a collection of history of stories you've heard, circumstances that you've been in where your brain is saying like, hey, this looks a lot like something you've seen before or heard about or should be wary of. Maybe we should consider this possibility. So I've learned to trust my gut, not in like an organ in my body of like a woo woo kind of thing, but more of like, hey, your brain knows something subconsciously that maybe you should pay attention to. And so I think the message of this that's really important is trusting your gut, especially in not so healthy relationships. Yeah. Yeah. It's huge to trust your gut. I talked about it with someone literally the other day, but your gut is actually your second brain. Right. Exactly. So like 90, it's like 90-ish percent of your serotonin is like synthesized, made in your gut. And so it's like that gut-brain connection, like that feeling, trust it. Right. Because I think there's always this thing too of like, I'd rather trust my gut and probably, you know, be in, maybe I just said no to an opportunity or I didn't go to this place or I didn't do that. It's like, I feel like when you're trusting your gut, it typically is like, I'm not going to do something. Yeah. And it just like, it feels like it's more of like a save you versus like, oh, maybe if you trust your gut to take a risk, like you could take the risk, try the new job, try the new thing. But the consequences from that aren't going to be negative. Right. Yeah. Like I feel like a gut instinct is always a more positive outcome. Right. And I heard too, because I have really, no, that did. And I'm not lying. I saw that because I have really like debilitating anxiety. And so the first thing that speaks to me before my gut is my anxiety of like, oh, I shouldn't do this. Or this guy's following me in the supermarket. He's trying to kill me. So it's easy for me to say like, oh no, my gut, that's just my anxiety. But I have found, and this could be different for everybody, it probably is, but that my anxiety comes first and my gut kind of takes more time where my anxiety is like the first one. In any situation. But my gut reaction, I'm really assessing it. I'm really thinking. And anxiety usually feels more in my chest. My gut more feels like in my stomach, like gut feelings. I'm like, I mean, that's why it's called. Yeah. But anxiety kind of lives up here for me and I get tense and my heart starts beating really fast, but my gut is a little more patient. So when I feel those feelings, you know, yeah. But again, it's like, listen to your body, listen to your brain. It's so much easier said than done. But I feel like, especially like I was saying in these not so healthy relationships. Where it could pose a risk for you. Yeah. Better safe than sorry every single time. Absolutely. So we don't get another formal update on this. However, as I said, OP's account has a very extensive Reddit history now. She goes on to get a Malinois puppy. A what? Named Rain. A dog. Cute dog. Thank you. It's like a little German Shepherd looking dog. Oh, okay. Sure. Maligators. They're crazy. But she gets this puppy. Names it Rain. She shares about, you know, different hair dye. She's a big HelloFresh cooker. She is making some good meals. So we, Bailey and I dug through her comments and from what we can gather in the comments, we do think that she is no longer with this significant other. I thought you were going to say she's no longer with us. No. Don't ever start a sentence like that. I was like, oh my, in the speed in which you said that, I was like, that's Malik. That's insane. Talk fast. And she's no longer with the partner. Are you kidding me? It's like posting like, it's like posting like, um, uh, Julie Andrews in black and white and just being like, happy birthday. It's like, bitch, don't do that. Did you see that post? Did she die? Did she just die? Did she? No. Oh. There was a post though. Don't do that. No. Oh my God. I hate it here. But there was a post where someone did post her like a beautiful headshot and was like, the star. And like people literally in the comments were like, please don't do this. Literally do not do that. Yeah. Like it was, people lost their minds. I lost my mind. I've seen a black and white photo of myself and I'm like, she's dead. Anytime I see a black and white headshot, I'm like, they died. My heart is still pounding. I thought she passed away. It was really scary. No, she's, she's out there thriving with her dog and all of these amazing meals. Yeah. Her, her food posts are like, I'm like, please, can I hire you to be my chef? Cause I hate cooking. And we do get a little more. Insight into the relationship too. And some of the comments that she posts on other people's posts offering them support. And there's a post where someone was like, tell me the worst thing your ex did. And OP shares, I was having surgery for cervical cancer. He told me he didn't want to drive me because it was boring. He spent the day at a bar. Yeah. Someone goes terrible. I hope your cancer is in remission and he's out of your life. OP says, thank you. It is. And he is completely out of my life. I'm actually. Two cancers out of her life. Right. Literally. That's insane. Also. Mic drop. Do you know what's boring? Like sitting for treatment for hours on end for cancer. Like the fact that someone could say the drive is boring. Kill him. I just can't. She does go on to say, I'm actually dating someone pretty amazing. Yay. Okay, good. Yeah. There's a post here in r slash divorce that's titled was asked for a divorce over a phone call. And OP, ROP shares, mine email. So, I would assume divorced, done. Right. Email, divorce ask, you know. So, that was her husband? She used the word significant other. Mm-hmm. Unclear if true legal marriage. Sure, sure. But like enough to respond in r slash divorce. Email? Email. When's the last time you communicated with someone non-business related via email? Not very often. Not very often. That's crazy. No. I actually was broken up in. The sixth grade via email. Devastating. But that was back when like email was how you broke up with people. I feel like. I'm like, what am I talking about? I feel like AOL Messenger was like, you know, when you have those little boyfriends in like sixth, seventh, eighth grade. I think AOL Messenger got me once. Really? Yeah. And I had dial up. You really had to work your way to get there. Wow. Like operator. You're like putting pins and shit or I don't know what you're. Yeah. You did this, but. No, I take it out of the back of my phone and. You're doing the. Yeah. Rotary phone. My grandma has one of those still. Really? Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. She's a cool cat. How old is she? 82 going on 40. 82 going on 40. That's a joke? No. Got it. I just can't imagine her. Right. Not being on Earth's side. Oof. Podcast won't appear for a month or two. No, that's fair. That's fair. Mental health retreat. Every time my mom calls me, I just like, I'm like, why is she calling me? Something bad happened. Today she called me three times. I'm like, don't call me more than twice. That's terrifying. Three times. I'm like, fuck. You see, I always thought that I would know. You don't. Like, I thought, I thought I'd be like a shift in the force. Yeah. Like I'd wake up and stuff. Nope. No. No. Sorry. That got really dark. I'm like totally fine with her being dead. Not like fine with her being dead, but I'm like, I'm content, you know? Yeah. No, you're. Oh, I brought down the vibe. Sorry, guys. No, I will say. I do that. Your videos, you go live. I do. And people like to, I think at this point, get your goat. They taunt you. With, yes, Ashby, my mom died. Yeah. And your response. Thank you. And some people like the one that went kind of crazy was someone was like, I lost my brother last week. And I said, what the hell? Go find him. What are you doing here? Go out looking. It's the dark humor. I think it's one of those things. It does lift the mood a little. In my comedy, I never generalize and I never punch down. But if someone gives me explicit permission, right, because they know it's a comedic circumstance. And they give me permission to joke about something, I will. But there were comments being like, how dare she? I'm like, OK, you're not coming into my life because you want advice on your brother. You're not who this is intended for. Right. You'll be like the fourth, fifth person I call when I need to like share the news and get a little. Thank God. But I guess like genuinely, I didn't know how much that helps people because I don't I mean, I reach for humor in a lot of moments, but I don't think I reach for it in like grievance. And but a lot of people have DM to me saying like, this just happened and I went to your live and you talked about it and it was like genuinely so nice. So it's it's very interesting. Lightens the mood a little. That dark humor sometimes. When done tastefully. Like you. OK. Pink Panther is here. Coach and Spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together and they want you to be part of it. Grab your friends and head to the Tabby tour, hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists. Exclusive experiences. And personalized products and discover custom playlists on Spotify, but just for you, based on who you are and how you listen. Live your story with coach. Learn more at coach.com. Coca-Cola for the big, for the small, the short and the tall peacemakers, risk takers for the optimists, pessimists for long distance love for introverts. And extroverts, the thinkers and the doers for old friends and new Coca-Cola for everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you. Sam's Club is the club for every holiday club. Guess who's joining the club this season? Walmart Plus. Yep. Sam's Club Plus membership now comes with Walmart Plus at no extra cost. Two memberships, one great price. Just 120 bucks a year can save you time and over $700. Want to get in on the membership duo of the century? Visit samsclub.com. Come join us. Sam's Club. Annual plan only. Auto renews. TNC apply. Estimate based on average combined Walmart Plus and Sam's Club Plus savings among members of both for one plus year versus non-member or club member pricing slash fees. Excludes membership fees. See Walmart Plus terms and Sam's Club terms for more info. Okay. This next one, also a little medically. Now that we went from like OP sharing about that, this one is like a little medically, at least based on the title. Oh. So it's coming from r slash relationships titled my 26 male boyfriend. Friend of two years flipped out because I 24 female used a mobility scooter in a store. I hurt my foot slash ankle about a week ago at the gym during some stupid class. I can barely stand on it. Walking is hard. I haven't gotten crutches, just one of those stupid huge foot brace things, and it isn't helping all the way. Nonetheless, I have to go about my daily routine, correct? So boyfriend and I went shopping yesterday. I was doing the hop along with the cart while I read off the list and he grabbed all of the stuff for us. A store worker saw me and told me that she could grab one of the scooters for me. My boyfriend turned around and said, that's not necessary. Oh, but we still had a while to go and I wasn't getting far. So I said, sure. He started getting annoyed and when she was gone, he asked me what I was doing. I said we'd get things done faster if I was just in the scooter thing. The whole rest of the time, he would barely look at me or acknowledge that I was there. As far as I could tell, nobody was even looking at us except maybe one little girl in her mom's shopping cart who pointed and was like, mom, she has a big owie. When we finally finished and got out, I hopped along to the car and he put the scooter away from me and slammed the car door, frowned and looked super tense. I asked him what was wrong and he blew up. He kept saying how embarrassed he was that I was in one of those that only obese women use them and that he's sure everyone was judging us and thinks that I'm just a lazy, fat ass slob. I was completely taken aback. Okay, yeah, I'm a fat girl, five feet, size 12, 14, big fucking whoop. Not exactly the body type you see in the majority of these obese women he's talking about. I told him that nobody was paying attention, nobody was watching and that I thought it was fine. Besides, it would be hard to miss the gigantic boot on my leg, but he was so far gone, upset beyond belief about this, that when we got home, he just went into his game room, shut the door and wouldn't even help me put the groceries away. I thought he would get over it, but then this morning I found a note on my desk from him that says he is really upset that I went against his wishes, embarrassed him in public and made a spectacle. Of myself. He said that if I can't apologize to him, he's not sure our relationship has a future. I'm at a loss at what to do. I don't think I did anything wrong. All I did was ride a scooter for like 45 minutes, if that, while we got our groceries so that it wouldn't take me longer. Is there a perspective that I'm not seeing here? Did I do something wrong? Oh, that is so, again, with the perception over your, partner is so insane. It's a common theme. Genuinely, if someone came up to you and said, hey, would you rather like just pick one people for 45 minutes, think or look at you strange or your girlfriend be in pain. If you genuinely opt for the girlfriend being in pain, because that's what you're doing. You would have preferred her to hobble along. You got more than just this circumstance to kind of figure out because that that's genuinely insane. Also, I feel like hopping is like, that's more of a spectacle. It would also make him look worse. Like, why is she pushing the cart? Why didn't he just go grocery shopping? Like, you should be more afraid of that perception. Yeah. Yeah. I would look at him and be like, this girl's hopping around, pushing the cart. Right. Why isn't she just relaxing? Right. Like, asshole. And then the whole stigma of like only obese women going to school. It's like, are you dumb? Oh, my God. No, that's such a. And also, why would that be a problem either? I don't understand the you caring so much. It's like the first story, the blanket. You care so much about how people perceive you and your partner that speaks to a much deeper insecurity about about you in this relationship. That's so insane. And I feel so bad that she even has to think about if she's missing a perspective on this. Yeah, because I do think it's just like she's genuinely asking, like, am I missing something? Because I don't feel like I am. I feel like this is a kind of crazy because him saying, if you can't apologize to me, I'm not sure our relationship has a future. And saying you went against my you went against my wishes. That's so I can never make a decision. Red flags and agree with. Yeah, no, I haven't whipped this bad boy. I've never held this in quite some time. Yeah, it's so many things. Again, everything is so nuanced and sometimes it's just so overwhelmingly negatively nuanced where, you know, you could point you could close your eyes and point at so many different things. And it's like, I don't know, you know, you could point at so many different things that he needs to work on personally and then in his relationship. This is like insane. He's absolutely nuts. Also, if she would have continued to turn that scooter down from the store, the store also could have been like, well, can you please come sit down or like, can you write? It's like bad. Look, it's a huge liability because if she's hopping, hits a wet aisle, slips, right? Breaks a femur. Like, right. It's a huge liability. It is safer for everyone involved for her to be in the scooter. It's there for a reason, right? You clearly need it. You're not a 16 year old going to Walmart using a scooter for fun, right? Yeah. You know, it's I think the only time you should truly care and I could not be thinking of other situations, but the only time you should truly care about your partner and how they're being perceived is if they're causing harm and there's no harm other than to herself with her not opting for the scooter. Like if you're your partner, if your girlfriend walks into a bar and is shouting at the bartender, treating servers, you know, like shit or whatever, then you're like, Hey, this is not what I want. I care about how we look in this moment. Please stop. That's fair because that person needs to be put into check. This is a harmless situation that you are. You would have preferred her to be hurting and that's crazy. So the comments start pointing out what the real issue is because it's not really about the scooter. And this person says your weight is an issue for him, right? Next comment down. Mobility scooters are for people who, for whatever reason, have trouble with their mobility. You did nothing wrong. Your boyfriend is being a dick. Next comment down. And it's not like you just walked in and hopped on a scooter. A bystander saw you and thought your injuries justified a scooter. A little girl pointed out your injury, not your scooter. Ride off into the sunset on a goddamn scooter. And that's the thing. Like, I don't know how you get back to this relationship being healthy. To me, in my head, I'm like, please break up. Right. Well, that's another thing like this from the episode we did prior. I think there was another story where there was a lot of underlying messaging. Oh, it was that girl who was talking to her partner about his penis size or something and how she was like, oh, I. Oh, yeah. And she was like, I wish it could be bigger. She was beating around the bush, humiliating him in front of his friends. And it wasn't about that. It was about she. It was beating around the bush to point out something that she didn't like about him. Do I think that that's fair and right? No, but that's what she was doing. And I think to the first person's comment in here saying, like, he has a problem with your weight. This was a beating around the bush way of saying, like, I don't want people to think that you're overweight to the point that you need a mobility scooter. I'm embarrassed about this. No matter how big or small she is, it kind of screams that this is a main issue that he doesn't know how to properly communicate. Not that it's justified in any way, but I think that that is a good comment where they're like, he has a problem with your weight. Yeah. And if that really is the issue, like, that's also concerning. He's fat phobic. Right. What happens if you choose to have kids? Right. And then your body changes even more. Like, right. I think someone who doesn't love you for you or like I get people are like, well, attraction is subjective. That's fine. But then don't put her down. If you're not attracted to her anymore, then, hey, this relationship isn't working out back. Don't belittle her and freak out of her and gaslight her into like what we were saying earlier of like, oh, I love how authentically you are. It's like a lot of men and women to say like, oh, I love big girls until you're around with big girls. And there's, you know, every, you know, comment thrown your way about that. And so it's they love the idea of these things until it gets put into play and until it gets to a point where you don't like it or you don't like the perception. So I It bothers me so much because it's so selective. And at the end of the day, you're still just caring about perception over your partner. You know, absolutely. So we do get an update. So some of you were right. There was a weight issue, but it was new. We talked and he told me he wanted me to lose weight. He wanted me to for a while. I asked him why, despite me not gaining any weight or changing anything in my diet or exercise routine after years. He said that it was a recent development, that he was starting to notice other women more and he didn't want to feel embarrassed with me or anything. He said he's always been attracted to me and still is, but it has shifted even though I haven't gained anything since we met. So he gave me an ultimatum, lose weight or lose him. I thought about it for a while. And in the end, I decided to the dead weight, 180 pounds, of boyfriend later, I am happy, single, and on my way to a fun holiday season without worrying. Oh no, my boyfriend will dump me if I don't lose weight. Already had three great dates from OkCupid and looking forward to more. By the way, thanks for all of the recommendations on where to get crutches. I got a great pair and my foot healed after that week. Nice. Yeah, because the update came actually an entire month later. Wow. Yeah. Again, this is so, I love when it ends like this because the grass isn't always greener, but in these scenarios, I can almost guarantee that it is. And like you were saying, there are so many other factors past the first months and years of dating that you will come into contact with these behaviors again. And if these aren't behaviors that you can see repair, like I saw there was a relationship psychologist that was saying the sign of a healthy relationship that will last is not how little you fight. How often you fight, how good you are in bed. It's how you repair. And you can argue, hopefully not super frequently, but you can argue more than the average couple. But if you repair more than the average couple, you should be fine. And in these moments, some things are just unrepairable. Like you can't, you shouldn't have to lose weight to repair this instance. And that's just one of those things where I'm so glad, hopefully she found someone that even in the little tiffs that you can repair that aren't changing your body. Or, you know, obeying someone's command because of how you look or how you act. You went against my wishes is crazy. Anyone ever says that to you? It's possessive. That's so, yeah. If anyone genuinely ever says you went against my wishes and it's something that you did for your own safety, genuinely run. Run. That's a problem. What? Did they mention like any healthy or like golden standard ways to repair? Like what did that look like? Well, that's the hard part. I think, you know, even in my relationship, we're so good at repairing. It's not easy. It takes hours, sometimes days to repair. Like it's not like, oh, say sorry. And then I say, sorry. It's not that. Yeah. It's your ability to repair to the point where you have a new brick that was placed that you're now stronger than you were before. It looks different for everybody. You know, I have a lot of couple friends who won't talk to each other for like, we'll sleep on the couch, that whole scenario. And sometimes it looks like you're repairing or they have sex and they make up and that looks like repair, but it's not like laying that brick down. So I think repair is if you can look back and say, we're both better, even if it's like 0.2% better, we both have a better understanding. We have clarity that now if we're facing that again, we can go about it in a more effective way. So I don't think there's one gold standard of what does repair look like. But I think if you are coming out of it better than you both were before, I guess progress is more. Yeah. No, I'm like, I want to make an acronym for it so bad. I'm just like, communicate, clarity, compromise. I'm like the three C's. I don't know. No, that's fair. Clarity is a big one too. Yeah. No, that's huge. And I think it is the ability to like, we've talked about it before. I don't remember if it's been today or in the past, but it's like your ability to like maybe not necessarily be right. But like, again, kind of with the intent of like, you don't have to like solve it, but can you empathize with the other person enough to like, I see where you're coming from. Right. Wasn't my intention. I'd like to move forward. Can we do this? But like, I don't know. I'm very solution based too. Because it will, it will get to a point in relationship. Where it's about the stupidest thing. And there's no right or wrong. It's, did you buy the wrong milk? And did I tell you I don't like this type of milk five months ago? And there's no one's right. No one's wrong. It's kind of like the candle situation. And it kind of just deals with someone not knowing. And you don't like that. And so it does boil down to the repair looking like, I'm bringing this up and we're arguing because I want to feel heard and I don't want this to happen again. And the other side also wants to be heard and have their intention understood. And that's why I think clarity is so big and in my relationship too, it's big to give the other person time to talk to, because even if I'm in a position where I know I'm right, which is a lot of the time, sometimes there are things that I just don't know about the other side. And I want so badly to say all the things that I want to be heard and he wants to be heard. And so we kind of just go into this, he said, she said, and we're just back and forth and it makes no progress. But you kind of have to fall on your sword a little bit and say, you know, I'm going to hear you out. You're going to hear me out. But it's hard. Repair is the hardest part of a relationship. No. Fighting is easy. Yeah. Repair is hard. I think there is a way to fight. There are dangerous ways to fight. And I think you should stay away from relationships that have a pattern of that. But don't ever down yourself or your relationship for the fact that you disagree. No. It helps you grow. Yeah, exactly. It really does. But no, it's how you fight and how you communicate, how you do see the other person's side. Because it's like, I feel this. Can you explain to me, you know, what your thought process was or where were you coming from? Exploration. Yeah. And it's just like getting on a ground where it's like, okay, I understand. Because as much as we want to believe we're psychic and can assume other people's intentions, you can't. That gap of assumption, it's like, you're so far off, you're never going to know what they were thinking or why they did what they did. So talk it out. And it has to happen too. You can't, like, no couple is going to sit down on a gorgeous Friday evening right before they watch a movie and have dinner and say, you know what I think we should work on? Huh? That won't happen. It takes strife. Yeah. It takes struggle to bring those things up. Yeah. So I almost see those moments as opportunity of growth. Because no one's sitting down and saying, you know what we should get into? Your mom. Like, no, we're not going to talk about your family dynamic, we're not going to talk about our shortcomings. Those intrusive thoughts hit at bad times, though. Right. Oh, mine are always 2:00 in the morning. And we have a rule where I am not going to bring up things that I'm panicking that I want to work on at 2:00 in the morning because. So healthy. It's not productive. It never has been. Doesn't mean I still don't try, but time and time again, it proves to be me shooting myself in both feet. So again, I don't know how we got here. God, where's the gun? No, I like it. And I'm going to see with this next one, see if this couple can repair. Yeah. See if there's any shot. Right. Okay. This is coming from r/relationships. It's titled, "Something weird happened at a party last night: me, 23 female, with my boyfriend, 28 male. 3.5 years." Okay. "Last night, my boyfriend and I were at my friend's house party. He was playing cards in the living room and I was hanging out in the kitchen, but I could still see and hear what was going on. He was sitting next to this girl that we have met a couple of times before, but don't regularly hang out with. At one point, she stood up and apparently her legs were asleep and she fell back onto my boyfriend's lap. He grabbed her hips and squeezed them. And she sat there for like three or four seconds. Before finally getting up and he didn't really do anything to get her off of him. I thought that was a little weird but was willing to let it go. Probably an hour or so later, I went upstairs to go to the bathroom. The girl who was sitting on his lap walked out right as I was walking up to it, but just walked right past me without saying anything. I shut the door and went to check behind the curtain to check for murderers old habits, of course. And my boyfriend was just standing in the shower, crouched down. We both screamed and I asked him, he's more afraid of you than any more of it. That's crazy. Don't spook them. And I asked him what the fuck he was doing in there. And he said he didn't know. He was just really drunk. He's like, I can't remember what he was supposed to be doing. I was like, I can't remember what he was supposed to be doing. He was supposed to be the DD though. So he was only going to have a couple of beers. And that's really all I saw him drink anyways. He was coming to the kitchen each time he wanted another. It just seems really unlikely that he was somehow drunk enough to be standing in the shower and have no idea what he was doing there. The rest of the night he played up the really drunk act and continued to drink a lot to the point where he probably actually was really drunk. It just seems really suspicious to me, but he swears up and down that he is telling the truth. When I asked him if he can understand how it looks from my point of view, he says he wouldn't be upset because both of those situations were innocent, but I'm not so sure. Do we even have to comment on this because that's crazy. I mean, she's been clearly gaslit enough to come to Reddit and be like, hey, is there any innocent plausible reason my boyfriend would be in the shower as a girl walked out of that same bathroom? Yeah, no, I don't. I just got, you know what, if it were me, I would stand there and I would try to make him as uncomfortable as possible. Like, I would just want to see what the lie is. How would you do that? Because at that point, I don't know, I would just egg him on, like, what were you doing in here? Remind me, like, what do you mean you lost your way? I'm confused. What do you mean you don't? Like, I would just for an hour to watch him flail because you know why he was in there. And I'm so sorry that you were probably gaslit to the point of not believing yourself. But that's like euphoria type shit. That's like movie channel, Disney channel type cheating scenario. Insane that he got scared too. That is so funny. I love the idea that he's like the Grinch when he gets, it's so funny. But no, I mean, on a serious note, you are right. You know that you're right. And I'm sorry you were gaslit to not think that. I mean, you saw her, like, have this weird excuse too of like, oh, my legs are asleep. Oh, my God. out right and she sits on his lap and he squeezes her hips like you don't have to do all that she's good a hip squeeze is good intimate right also my legs have been asleep they haven't gone out from under me i don't fall when they're asleep no you can still stand i sit back down you know what i mean i don't fall on the nearest person's lap shake out yeah no and then if he squeezed my hips and i wasn't intentionally going on his lap i'd be like what the fuck ew why did you squeeze out loud why did you squeeze my hips yeah i don't know it's cringy i feel embarrassed for him i'm absolutely baffled that he tried this rather than fall on his sword but it's kind of working in a weird bad way unfortunately i know what's is there an update nope yeah oh good okay there is but the comments someday you're going to tell this story at parties and have a hearty laugh about this because pretty much walking in on your boyfriend cheating and having him cook up that excuse is a hilarious story but the follow-up question is always going to be so did you dump him and right now you get to decide whether the answer to that question is hell yeah dump that fool or no i believed him and hung on for three more months until i caught him again you just like feel that spooky yeah because i mean like purely statistically a cheater will cheat again not to say people cannot change but statistically a cheater will cheat again whether you're at the very last of that who's to say yeah but you very well could be the first the second with five more in front of you again people can change but you don't know where in that timeline in that growth period yeah yeah well here's the thing let's say he's not cheating let's say he's hiding in the shower to catch a peek right that's not good either you see how this looks right it's like come on either way unless like i did see a story where it was a guy meeting up with one of the girl's friends to plan the proposal and she thought he was cheating and stuff i i feel like i could convince myself that that's true but not in the bathroom no that's where you go to cheat i'm pretty sure it's like you go in the bathroom also hiding in the shower yeah no so stupid the only time i've like heard of anyone hiding in the shower is like that jennifer garner movie it's called catch a peek and release and her fiance dies and at the funeral she goes in the bathroom to get away for a minute and for some reason she goes in the tub and sits down and then someone comes in so she shuts the curtain and it's her deceased fiance's best friend who's having sex with one of the caterers in the bathroom and she's trapped in the tub while this is happening yeah i don't think it's one of those it doesn't it's not given that it's not given that no also while she's there too it's yeah that also gives an added layer i think yeah to the sneaking around and right right right yeah so update my boyfriend still says he's not cheating oh i'm just kidding oh okay that's mean it's so funny because i was like morgan where are you reading that no the real update says my now ex-boyfriend admitted that he was cheating on me i think he thought i wouldn't break up with him without concrete evidence so that's why he was lying about what happened but when i told him i wanted to break up he told me everything that they did have sex in the bathroom and they've been hooking up for about two months i'm living with my brother for a bit but i'm thinking about moving to new york city two of my friends have an apartment in brooklyn and they told me that they would rent me the third bedroom i just want to get away for a bit because most of my friends here are mutual friends of my boyfriend and i and i think it's unlikely that he will stop hanging out with them thanks for all the advice i think i knew he was cheating but i didn't want to actually admit it yeah again with like the going with your gut yeah for you uh i think kind of like people were saying you're gonna look back at this and and laugh at how absurd it is but the doing it is really really difficult and i hate when people give advice of like the epitome of easier said than done and they're like just do it you know obviously he's a bad guy there's so much that goes into that there's so much that you've given you like i i could never imagine leaving my partner solely because i love his family like you lose more than that one person and so to say like dump his ass is cute on paper but it's so hard to do um no and then we've added later horrible added layers of physical emotional uh psychological abuse like there's so much nuance that goes into leaving a relationship and it's crazy until you're in that and you really get to gaslighting yourself and you have the person you love uh telling you alternate stories so i'm glad she was able to come to that realization um because that's hard to do yeah no it definitely is okay go to new york go to new york i love new york go to new york with your friends have some roommates that truly i feel like that is healing i know like this and young too i mean 23 really he was 28 so like girl i feel about age you're in your little time okay you know what that's a little that's a little only if my i'm always i'm always thinking about my little sister if my little sister who's 21 at 23 was like i'm dating a 28 year old i'm like i round up and that's 30 and that's scary to me you know what i mean like why that's because i'm viewing that as an older sister like i'm sure like out in the world people have healthy gorgeous relationships with that age gap but yeah i mean it's five years they met a year and a half ago when she was 21 and a half i don't know if you don't love it you've been drinking for five plus years and they just got the right legally to do that i'd be like i don't know yeah i could be wrong i'm usually wrong no but i think an age gap can be tough personal yeah yeah i just got chills oh i'm scared okay i'm giving you one last choice on this main episode and then i'm stealing you for one story for episode 300 oh i know practicing pink panther is here coach and spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together and they want you to be part of it grab your friends and head to the tabby tour hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists exclusive experiences and personalized products and discover custom playlists on spotify but just for you based on who you are and how you listen live your story with coach learn more at coach.com coca-cola for the big for the small the short and the tall peacemakers risk takers for the optimists pessimists for long distance love for introverts and extroverts the thinkers and the doers for old friends and new coca-cola for everyone pick up some coca-cola at a store near you sam's club is the club for every holiday club guess who's joining the club this season walmart plus yep sam's club plus membership now comes with walmart plus at no extra cost two memberships one great price just 120 bucks a year can save you time and over 700 want to get in on the membership duo of the century visit sam's club.com come join us sam's club annual plan only auto renews tnc apply estimate based on average combined walmart plus and sam's club plus savings among members of both for one plus year versus non-member or club member pricing slash fees excludes membership fees see walmart plus terms and sam's club terms for more info great so option number one we have a little sister drama coming from amma the asshole the username is diabetic bridesmaid of course titled amma the asshole for refusing to remove my medical equipment during my sister's wedding or option two coming from ask hr uk i've been reported to hr for talking about beekeeping with a younger colleague i genuinely cannot believe i'm writing this that one because you know i'm not sure if i'm going to be able to do that because i'm not sure if i'm going to be the first one is no like keep your medical device i know but i need to know why beekeeping became a problem i know we'll cover medical advice no we'll cover medical device morgan on all things medical no medical advice none we'll do that with mikaela patron october patron so it'll be out by the time you hear this episode patreon do you see patreon no no you heard what i heard right a little patreon patron patron oh right we should drink one of these episodes why didn't we do it today why didn't we think of that next time next time okay let's get into the bees i ubered here too damn it i know my car broke down this morning i have pumpkin cider beer okay later later later that sounds really no i'll get it right now really yeah hell yeah okay pumpkin cider in hand back to the bees i've been reported to hr for talking about beekeeping with a younger colleague i genuinely cannot believe i'm writing this i know this is going to sound utterly ridiculous but this has actually happened and i don't know whether to laugh or be fucking furious i've kept bees for about 15 years no idea where the obsession started but it's something i've always enjoyed and could happily talk about it for hours just male or female no mention okay interesting a few months ago a younger lad started working with us it turns out he keeps bees himself so naturally we hit it off straight away we would talk about our hives, what we were doing with them, different techniques. things we'd tried, the usual stuff. He would show me pictures and ask questions because he's fairly new to it and I've been doing it for years. He's a lovely bloke, genuinely enthusiastic and keen to learn. It made what is otherwise a fairly boring office environment quite enjoyable. Anyways, there's a woman on our team who apparently took issue with this and reported me to HR. I didn't know anything about it until he came over and told me that he had been called into an office for a welfare assessment. Apparently, they wanted to establish whether I was grooming or harassing him. All caps, grooming him? Over fucking bees? He was as confused as I was and told them that no, he was perfectly happy talking to me and we were literally discussing beekeeping. Shortly afterwards, I got called in. I got called in to the office myself. They told me there had been a complaint and that they would need to keep a closer eye on me because our conversations about bees were upsetting someone else on the team. I asked what exactly I had done wrong and couldn't get much more out of them beyond the fact that someone had raised concerns. I'm genuinely struggling to understand what I'm supposed to do with this information. We're two adults who happen to share a fairly niche hobby, neither of us are going to be able to do anything about it. I'm not going to do anything about it. Neither of us has complained about the other. He's perfectly capable of speaking for himself and as far as I'm aware, he hasn't expressed any discomfort whatsoever. Now, the whole thing is fucking awkward. I find myself second guessing whether I should even speak to him at work and he's understandably confused about why something so ordinary has turned into an HR matter. What was previously one of the nicer parts of my working day has become something I apparently need to be monitored over. Has anyone else experienced anything this absurd in the office? Can HR genuinely start monitoring someone's interactions with a colleague because another employee doesn't like what they're talking about? I'm half tempted to ask whether discussing honey is still permitted or whether I need written approval from management before mentioning a fucking hive. This is tricky because I think as it pertains to like an office relationship, I think it is important that these safety measures are even in place. That someone can flag something and say, hey, this doesn't feel right to me. Maybe we should keep an eye on this. Of course, you know, viewing this as like from the lens of this person's 100% innocent in what they're doing, it's easy to say like, what? This is bullshit. But I can also see a world where let's say at the very end of this, it was confirmed that he was grooming this individual and doing all the things. This story would still make sense. I think it's important that we keep an eye on this. I think it's important but as someone trying to convince themselves that they're not grooming or they're trying to be defensive and it's hard hearing it from the person that could be doing wrong or good because either way, they're going to have the stance of I'm innocent. I think if this were to happen to me, it would be very frustrating, especially if it's not my intent. But I think I would still be glad at the very least that this is something that is an option that someone can flag and at least there's safety measures in place. And if I'm wrongfully accused, at least this is something that's available. If I'm wrongfully accused, at least this is something that's available. If I'm wrong, if it were to be applicable, because I do see how that's frustrating if it's fully innocent and it's a brighter part of your day, you find a connection in the office and then that is made into into an accusation that makes it really uncomfortable. Yeah. But also you have to be OK with this because in the grand scheme of things, it's to protect younger individuals and people in a power dynamic that could be that could fall victim to something. Yeah. So well, if this was founded on a good intention, did she think bees were code for something and honey was a drug and the hive is a drug den? Like, is there genuinely a mistake from this woman where she is hearing all this bee chatter and is like, what are you buzzing your bees with? How do you harvest your honey? I think if if I saw again, I don't know the ages, but if I saw a frequent OP is 40 guys, 25. Sure. Young lad. Right. I wouldn't immediately think that, but I could see if I were her and I thought it warranted to create a complaint that he which is common in grooming to find a common subject that you're both very passionate. And then you say, oh, come over to my place. I want to show you this. So it's not necessarily I think about this subject matter. But more so the dynamic or the intent. And I think especially with offices like there is that power dynamic that can. Not be ignored in that situation. I mean, so OP does get asked, like, how many people do you even work with? OP shares that they work with a very small team. There's five people on the team, mainly women and another guy. So it was fairly quiet. And that's why OP really enjoys having this person come in. In my head, I'm kind of erring on the side of like, I think this really is just about the bees. And I think this lady is probably so. Freaking sick of hearing about bees. And she's like, I'm going to go to H.R. We got to be done talking about the bees. I'm concerned. They are talking about bees very suspiciously too much. Is it about the bees? And like, I think she's just creating a stir because she's like, this is annoying and they've got such a good dynamic. And it's now like impacting our team dynamic. Yeah. Like I'm I'm going to give him the side of the benefit of the doubt. Sure. And just like they're bonding over the bees and it's just not clicking. For everyone else. They're kind of confused by it. And they're genuinely annoyed. I think the odds are 90 percent chance. Yeah. 100 percent innocent. But I think, again, I'm always going to be the person that's like, I think it's good to raise a flag. Yeah. Because I think in those circumstances, a lot of people don't. Yeah. Do I think like I don't know if it came out of her mouth, the accusation of grooming, which is a very strong word. I don't know if that was H.R. I don't know if he is or she the original poster is putting that term onto it. Yeah. I think if it was the original person who reported it, maybe going in that strong of saying, I think this person is grooming this person. I think maybe we should say, hey, just keep an eye on this. Yeah. This person's older. This person's new in the company. There may be a power dynamic. Like, let's just keep an eye on it. That would have been a really great thing. And then start overhearing more of their conversation. Start. Which also could have been the case. And then the original poster said they think I'm grooming this person. So I don't know who said what. But I think the best way to go about this is to say, let's just keep an eye on this for now. And if it starts to get more than what it is, maybe we can. How should OP go about it, though? Because now, obviously, the relationship, the work vibe with everyone is kind of off, like OP being like, do I have to ask if I can talk about honey? Like it is kind of an awkward thing to come back from where it's like, are bees not safe to talk about? And I guess like even with H.R. being like, well, now we have to keep an eye on you. It's like, OK. Like, it feels like if truly nothing's going on, then OP might have this claim of like. Yeah. I'm being harassed. Right. Like now you've created this. Yeah. I think if I were OP and it was 100 percent innocent, one, it would be very frustrating to hear this accusation when it was fully intended to be innocent. I would request a sit down with myself and H.R. to explain the situation and really say, like, this hurts my working relationship. That's not what I intended. Is there a way to go forward that everyone is comfortable with? And could you individually meet with this person and ask what their comfort levels are? Because if they're not comfortable, then I'm not coming at this the way that I want to. I wouldn't like call everyone into the meeting and be like, see, tell them that you're comfortable with this because that's not. No, you don't want to. Then it's like. But I would say I appreciate what you're doing. I think that's great. It's not true to what's happening. Do you think you could investigate it with that individual and ask what their boundaries are and kind of have them play like a middle like a mediator? Because I think even in the position where you're wrongly accused, you should still honor the process that you would want people who are guilty. Yeah. So I think you would then want to be like, hey, could you sit down with them and verify what their comfort level is? And then H.R. to still silently keep an eye on it, because someone whose intent is to groom could also very well say like, oh, my God, that's not what I intended. You know, ask if they're comfortable with it. And they might they may not know the intent is to to groom them. And oftentimes they don't. So I think they should still keep an eye on it. Regardless. Absolutely. I mean, H.R. is there to keep the company safe, employees safe. So hopefully they end up doing it. They end up doing right by this whole situation. H.R. professionals, I know we've got you out there listening. So please chime in with your thoughts on what would happen if this was your company or like, is this super odd? It's hard to cut you off. I have friends who work with no H.R., especially in L.A., in Hollywood. A lot of no H.R. companies out there because they like employ one under the legal requirement. Yeah. And it's always better safe than sorry. And again, I'm on the receiving end of that. And unfortunately, they get me on the wrong thing or they're accusing me. I would still rather be like, oh, yeah, you know, I'm glad you guys at least have this in place. Absolutely. It's still really tricky to be accused of something that you don't mean necessarily. I know. Well, and a lot of people do comment on it, too. And they're just like, this is an insane complaint. I worked for a company where several people kept bees. They installed a beehive on the They didn't all get hit with complaints from their colleagues. This is not something your H.R. team should give the time of day to. But I like what you've said where it's just like, it's better to be safe. safe than sorry. You've talked about it. You've addressed it. You've found out, oh no, it's genuinely about beekeeping. And now, hey, HR silently keeps an eye on it. Don't harass the guy. And if the guy feels uncomfortable, now he knows he's got people looking out and he can approach them. Yeah. I don't think it's about bees at all. I really don't think it's about the subject matter. I think if you see an older individual talking to a younger individual that may be new to the company, I think that's not wrong or odd, but I think if it's a frequent thing, I don't think it's insane for someone. He's really taking an attention role to so-and-so. Maybe this lady feels she's just looking out. Right. And so, again, I don't think it's about the bees. I don't think it's like, well, my HR, we talk about bees all the time. I don't think it's about that. I think if- No, I do think this lady, though, just hates his guts. Which is very possible. Stop talking about the fucking bees. Very possible. I think if she was head of HR and she was the one leading the charge, I think it went through her to HR and now HR is assessing it. I think, again, it's very new. But I don't think it's about the bees. I think it's how it looks. And unfortunately for him, if it is very innocent, that's- I know it's sad. It's sad, but a good practice to put into place. Again, better safe than sorry, but Opie does add a comment here. The sad thing is I think he inherited his bees from his granddad. So there's quite a personal connection there for him. I get the impression he doesn't really have many people to talk to about it other than perhaps online, which is probably why we got- on so well. I'm likely moving in the next few months and I'd actually been thinking about asking him to give me a hand moving the hives and getting everything sorted. I'd obviously pay him for his time and I think he'd have genuinely enjoyed it. Now I'm sat here wondering whether I should even ask him because of what people might think if they saw us spending time together outside of work. Two blokes moving some fucking beehives. What a world. Yeah, I do feel bad. It seems innocent. And I think when- HR got involved, it made- I would feel icky. I would feel like, oh my God, am I- Well, then you start looking at- Am I unintentionally making him on- Did he go with the complaint? I would start feeling- And it's hard to repair that relationship and then view it from an innocent standard or standpoint. But again, it's hard to bash the process because the process, if it fails, it hurts a lot of people. If it succeeds, it saves a lot of people. And so I would much rather them be wrong. Yeah. 80% of the time because that 20% really does matter when they do catch people and when they do create a safe environment. So, you know, God love him and his bees. But I think you have to- Again, if this happened to me, I'd be like, fuck, that sucks. It's really awkward now. You kind of ruined my working relationship. But good on you for at least keeping an eye out for people. Yeah. But at the same time, it's like, you're not doing anything wrong. And if you're truly not doing anything wrong, then keep doing you, buddy. Right. Keep doing you. Right. All the comments that are kind of at the top now, are very cheeky. Sounds like the lady on your team has a real bee in her bonnet. Better be careful not to get stung. Someone needs to buzz off and mind their own business. Someone just needs to be left alone. She's just acting like he's setting up a honey trap at this point. Funny. Yeah. The bee puns are there. Bee puns are there. Bee puns are there. Yeah, I don't know. It's one of those. In those situations, it's so, so tricky and so delicate. Yeah. But I would much rather it. You know, be there than not. Yeah. You know. No update on this one yet. I'm going to send OP a message and be like, let us know how it goes. Good luck moving your bees. I know. I'd love some honey. I'm really so curious about the ages. I know. And it is interesting. There's no mention. Not in any of the comments. And also how they identify, too, because not to say that, you know. Would it change things for you? Right. Would it change it if it's a woman? I don't think so. I think I would still. I mean, I think stereotypically, if it was a. If it was an older man and a younger woman, I would be quicker to say, OK, well, I could see how that is looking on people. I feel like they're both men because he says two blokes moving a beehive. True. True. Good point. Two blokes. OK. But yeah, no age. No age if it's like 60 and 21. Right. If it's like an intern, right? And like a 40-year-old, you know, partner in the company. So I think that does change my initial opinion. What the power dynamic is. It doesn't change the possibility of this happening. Yeah. Because it can happen to anyone by anyone. But I think in my very limited knowledge, I would be curious to see what that is. Yeah. You know? But good to have in place. It sucks that sometimes it catches the wrong people. But I think I'd much rather it be in place than not. I know. Keep talking about your bees, dude. If you're doing no wrong, keep talking about your bees. I love bees. Let that Karen. I actually do love. Have you ever been stung by a bee? Yeah, it's not great. I've never been stung. Neither have I. You've never? They love us, huh? They love me. They don't come at me, but I've like accidentally walked on grass barefoot and stepped on one. Oh, like a ground bee? Yeah. I forgot I've gotten stung, but they don't count. They're still bees. Yeah, I don't. I'm saying I don't count it by being. I like saying I haven't been stung by a bee. And so if I admit to that, then I'd ruin that for me. What do you qualify as a bee? Out of the ground bees, like the ones that fly around. No, it's like on a flower. Yeah, that's a bee. So you've been probably stung. No. Not once. Oh my God. Okay. Pleasure having you. Likewise. Thanks again. Thank you. All of Ashby's links will be in the description again. If you didn't go follow, like, subscribe, do everything the first time, I don't know what you were thinking. What are you doing? And I'm sorry I said that I think I look like Zendaya. That was a joke. I do not look like her. I'm far too short. I swear I do not. People really, they made gifs. That's great. I know people really thought that I thought that. I'm so sorry. If anything, I look like Tom Holland. I really, I do not look closer to Tom Holland than I do Zendaya. And I'm so sorry. We're going to put a picture of Tom Holland side by side. Side by side. I do. I actually do look like him. He's such a cutie. You are too. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you. Bye, guys. pink panther is here coach and spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together and they want you to be part of it grab your friends and head to the tabby tour hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists exclusive experiences and personalized products and discover custom playlists on spotify built just for you based on who you are and how you listen. Coca-Cola. For the big. For the small. The short and the tall. Peacemakers. Risk takers. For the optimists. Pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.