Rachel Bilson: From People Pleasing to Knowing Your Worth (FBF)

What is up daddy gang? It is your founding father Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy Daddy Daddy. Rachel Billson welcome to Call Her Daddy. Thank you so much for having me. I am a big fan of early 2000s TV shows and not to freak you out. I am the biggest OC fan maybe not ever but like kind of ever. Are you serious? I still watch it to this day. You know those shows you go back and like watch a little. Of course. The OC always threw in through to the core. Love it. That's so awesome. So I'm happy to have you on today. Very fun. Thank you. I'm flattered for my problematic listeners, you know who you are. If you've never watched the OC, you have to watch it to give them like a little background. It's basically these rich kids living in Orange County, California. Yeah. Drugs, sex, relationships, family drama, all the things. And you're doing a rewatch podcast. Yes. Yes. Which is amazing. Oh thanks. What is it like going back to relive the OC phenomenon? Oh my God. So it's so interesting. I was 21 when I did the show and it was my first real big job. Watching it back honestly the first few episodes, I had such an emotional reaction. I got like depressed. I was like, oh my God, because it's like 20 years later, basically, right? Yeah. And I'm like so much life has happened. What did I do? Like what did I do? Like when you say what did I do? Like do you mean like in terms of like the show or just like? No, just life. Just life. Yeah. You're just like what? It's just more like you're basically playing back the last 20 years ish of your life. And you're like, it's all just going through your mind as I'm watching this because I'm like looking at this like little like pudgy face like 20 one year old. Like a lot of bronzer on and like questionable clothing, which is coming back, which is also very confusing. But like I'm watching it just going like, oh shit, you know, and my boyfriend at the time was on the show with me. And so it brings up all that about life behind the scenes. When you're that young and you're on a show and you're dating someone on the show and you're like the it girl on the show, everyone's obsessed with you. But then you're saying like, I'm looking back and like that was still me as a young woman like and I'm watching back. So there's like emotions for you. Oh for sure. Yeah. And then everyone still wants to talk about it all the time to you, which how does that feel? Well, you know what? I will say I wasn't like Misha. Barton was obviously like the it girl and she was 16 years old. And I can't even imagine what that would have been like to be 16 with that kind of attention in every magazine cover. Like I still had a lot of anonymity in like my own life and my boyfriend. And we were very domesticated and kind of like grandparents at the time. Like we were like old people like newspaper in the morning, same breakfast every morning. Like it was really we see you guys were like the couple on the show. I guess you're right. But Josh Schwartz, the creator would always take, you know, things from your own life and incorporate it into the into the show. Like golden girls, huge golden girls fan. He put it in the show. We sing the theme song. So there were so much you had to be careful around Schwartz. Like what you said or did because he's like that's the next week's episode. Absolutely. What is like the most common question you're asked about your time working on the OC? I mean, a lot of it was just like what was it like, you know, getting that much attention that quickly and working together and how was everyone on set. I know there's been like mixed things out there. Yeah. We had a great time. We had a lot of fun. In general together personalities hanging out. But yeah, a lot of the things were like how did it feel to have that much success that quickly? It is kind of a unfathomable feeling at that age. Like I know what I was doing at 21. It was not that. I was drinking in college, being a full degenerate, having sex and making bad decisions with my life. Oh, yeah. Well, I did that just earlier. Okay. But still on like kind of a pedestal of people watching you. And so I'm interested to know like when the OC became popular, how did it affect you, your family, friends? Right. Well, you know, like I said, because I was in a relationship, I was definitely on a different track. And going through it together. So having that support really made the difference. Okay. So to anyone that hasn't watched or the OC stands that are just like, just say the name, Summer Roberts, your character was hot, popular, read to the Iq girl. And then she starts basically getting into a relationship with Seth Cohen, who was played by Adam Brody. Yes. And so you have an on screen relationship. And then you start an off screen relationship. Yes. When was the moment you knew you had feelings for him? Oh my God. It's so funny. I feel like on screen was kind of playing off screen because in the beginning, there was a triangle between another character Anna Stern played by Samira Armstrong. And then and myself and Seth. And I felt like it kind of played into real life a little bit like Samira. And I work both like, wait a minute. And I'm like, I like Adam. No, I like Adam. And like it kind of was happening off screen. And you know that that competitive side of you, like with a guy and you're like, no, no, no, like hold on. It was like, I don't know if that heightened it. I obviously thought Brody was super cool. I knew him before the show. A friend of ours had dated him actually. I know. So we knew him a little bit. And he was hilarious. Right. And I'm a sucker for a nancy humor. Like absolutely. I mean, that is my weakness. So was there like a moment on set that immediately you were like, I'm going to go for this? I remember standing in the hallway. Okay, I don't remember anything. And the fact that I remember this is kind of insane. I was standing in the hallway and I was dating someone else at the time. And Brody like talked to me about the relationship and gave me advice on why I shouldn't be in it. And it was like this moment of like, oh, I want to be with you. You know, and it was like this pivotal moment. And there was like a Halloween party. I think it was a Halloween party. And he kissed me for the first time. And that was it. Like it was like, okay. And that was off camera. That was like that kiss your thing off camera. I'm like, wait, wait a second. Summer. But the first time he kissed me on screen, I think that was like the first time like, oh, is there something here? Right. But that can be confusing. You know, if you're doing a show or a movie and that happens, sometimes you get confused. Like, oh, do I really like feel this way? Am I feeling something? Or is it just? Is it true? I've heard from actors, like you can tell a little bit if someone's more into you because there's like an appropriate way to kiss a co-star. There's no tongue in television. Okay. Okay. If someone tongues you, you're going to be like, oh, either like, oh, no. Or like, oh, wait a minute. No, I'm just kidding. I never do tongue on camera. No, no, no. No. Okay, wait. So that's really fun. And then do you have any advice for someone who is newly dating someone in their work environment? Oh my god. Oh, advice. You know, it sounds like I should probably be a pro with my track record. Um, I think that just be friends first because I think that'll help because usually it ends sometimes. I, you know what? I love you being realistic about it. Yeah. We love the realistic side. Oh, yeah. I'm very real. Like you have false. Yeah. So when you're on set, was there ever an instant where dating someone you're working with? Like, was there ever something that was like hard about that aspect? Um, one we broke up. Like, that's the harder. I don't, you know, and then we both dated other people on the show while we were together in real life. So sometimes you can be a little, I mean, he was kissing people on the show for your characters or your characters. Oh, I was like, wait, who did you date? Like, he was like kissing a little of you while. Then like, of course, I'm going to be like, well, fuck, you know, but I also get it. Like, can I kiss her? Like, is that when you guys broke up? No, we were together. We were together while that was happening. That would be a hard one. That's a hard one, right? A new wild walks in. Yeah. You're like, and so cool. And she's the coolest person in real life too. So you're like, well, I love her. And you're like, wait a minute, your boyfriend's kissing her, and then it can be confusing. Yeah. It's just that kind of stuff, but that's normal. So how long did you guys date for? I think like three years and a half years. And was that three seasons? Yeah. We dated pretty much the whole show. It was such a huge show that blew up. Right. And everyone was obsessed with you guys like the four people that were like the main kids on the show. Yeah. And to have you being able to have a relationship with someone to be your rock and your go-to person while like your life is kind of changing before your eyes. Oh, for sure. That's a, I'm sure like a bond you guys will always have. And like a good one. Yeah. Yeah. And even reconnecting with him, I spoke to him. He came on the OC podcast. Yeah. It was great. I love seeing him. Anytime I see him, nothing but fond, like loving feelings and great memories. So fun. Yes. Okay. Your character. You are so lovable. I'm wondering how was your personal like real life Rachel Billson high school experience? Oh god. Oh man. Um, school for me. I wasn't so much like an academic, I would say. I just, it just didn't interest me. It's not like I couldn't do it. If I sat down and really studied and focused, I could do it. But my interests were like all over the place. And growing up in LA, I think I grew up a little young, like at 15, my friends and I, and I'll love you, who's here with me, like we'd be getting into the clubs, like do you know, that's just what life sounds like summer Roberts. I mean, a little bit, a little bit. I still remember exactly what I was wearing, where I was the time of day, who I was with for the season three finale. Oh, geez. I've got the chills. I've never, and I still have not recovered from it. I have any, I don't, I mean, spoiler alert. You know, who hasn't? Marissa. Tell anyone that hasn't watched the show, pause and go watch it. Please spoiler. The main character dies tragically. Like the most tragic, like fuck you, Volchuk. Okay. But he was so hot. Oh my god. He was a hot. He was all with him. Sorry. You've dated him. Oh my god. Absolutely. As you say, You have someone in the audience and God bless you because I - He had his poster, this guy, Cam Gajande. Is that how you say it, say? - I don't know. - Gajande? Yeah, okay, well, I was obsessed with him. Anyways, Marissa dies. - Yep. - Misha Barton's character. - Yep. - What was your reaction when you learned that Misha's character was getting pulled off the show? - It was very traumatic. Everyone felt it. It was so somber on set. And you really, because you're a family, and it is like a family member is leaving or dying, and it was brutal. - I mean, still, I can picture it in my mind, and it's just, it was traumatizing. - Literally. - Yeah, yeah. And I don't remember behind the scenes really like the last time she was on set, or anything like that, but it was definitely a dark time. - Did you talk to Misha about her decision to leave the show? - I don't think I ever had a personal conversation, like, why are you leaving? I think it was a joint decision. I don't think it was like, her decision like, I'm gonna leave, or Josh and Stephanie's decision would be like, we're getting, you know, you're being killed off because whatever, you know, I don't know what really happened behind the scenes as far as like, who made the actual decision. I think that Josh felt like a lot of her storylines had run through. I mean, what else could you put the girl through? Is she literally like, overdoses, shoot someone? You know, I mean, every possible storyline was done with that character. - You're right. And it didn't seem fitting for her to like go, I think it was like, she was gonna go work on her dad's boat or something. - I mean, that's not, Marissa's not going to work on a boat. - No, absolutely not. - Like, no. - She's going to Fashion Week. - Right. (upbeat music) - How did the cast dynamic change for season four? - Towards the end, I started to work on something else at the same time simultaneously. So I was so distracted that I wasn't really in it all the time presently, so I wasn't feeling all the things. And you had broken up with Adam at the time. - Towards the end. - Okay. - So I guess it kind of felt probably like time to move on. Like by season four. - Yeah, especially like working on another project and it was a film feeling like, okay, like let's, this is ending, like what's happening? - Totally. - Next. We're moving on. - Okay. We are both the daughters of therapists, but in your case, you were raised by a sex therapist. - Yes, so my mom's always like, I'm not a sex therapist. I'm more like a sex counselor and whatever. The woman will talk about sex to your blue and the fake. Like as a daughter, like I know your mom's a therapist. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, but just like, really coming with it, no problem. I'm like, I remember going on the Wendy Williams show and I think I used Cunnilingus and they like blurred it. Like they had to bleep it out. I'm like, is that a bad word? Like what did I say? You know, 'cause my mom's always like Cunnilingus and you know, like all the proper terms and-- - Right. And you're like, that's what I grew up around. - I'm like, isn't that what it's called? Oh, sorry, eating me out? Like what, you know? (laughing) I'm like, was that, was that a better Wendy? - I totally got it. That's I think fascinating where when you grow up, usually you're hiding everything from your parents. You're like, I don't want them to know. And to be raised by a sex counselor or therapist. How do you think having your mom have that profession, impact the way you handled relationships growing up? - You know, it was always like a very open household like nudity, like all of it, you know? So feeling like really comfortable in your skin, which was great. And talking about it all, like the night I lost my virginity was very young. And my mom, the next day, sitting me down, being like, let's talk about sex. I'm like, how did you fucking know? Like how do you know these things? Like, you know, it was just like that. All the time. - She's like Rachel, you're glowing, sweetie. I just like, honey, there was like a weird, crunchy towel in the bathroom. - No, that's not real. - That's not real, not real. Condoms only, I was like very young, okay. - Okay, so did you then tell your mom in that conversation you lost your virginity? - Yeah, I was like, yeah, mom, I did it. She was like, how was it? I'm like, it was very quick and like whatever. - And who is like, my sex time? - No, you don't enjoy it. - No. - You're a vagina, it's supposed to be like-- - No, you don't enjoy it. Like, I didn't really enjoy sex until I was like much older, you know? - And I respect you for saying that 'cause I think a lot of women, I've said a lot on my podcast. It's really, it's almost like you feel shame if you don't experience an orgasm or you're not enjoying it right away. And so there's like this weird thing. - It's the worst thing. - And then women don't wanna say they're not, 'cause like I had a lot of teammates, I was on a soccer team in college and everyone would just be talking about like, oh my god, like I had the best sex last night. And meanwhile, I'm like, out of these 12 girls talking, there's no fucking way, every single one of them just had an orgasm. - No, there's no way. - There's no way. - So it's like lie about it almost because you're embarrassed and you wanna like fit in. - For sure. - And you're like what's wrong with me, but I love that you're normalizing. Like, hey, I didn't enjoy sex till later. - I've always been brutally honest. I've never faked an orgasm. Like I'm not that person to lie to put on airs or whatever it is. Like it's like, no, never faking it. No, I can't do it. It took a very long time for me to be able to. And I think it's important to, why would you lie? - What is the best sex advice that your mother has given you, AK, give it to us? - AK, share it with us Rachel. - Oh God. I'm trying to think. I mean, she's always very into like, relaxing. Like to the point where your first, you know, your Gino appointment, like envision your vagina opening up like a flower and take breaths. And like I'm like, all right, I'll try it. Like here comes the rose, like you know what I mean? But it's helpful because it makes it so relaxed and just even having those visuals, which is like super weird to some people can be really helpful, you know? I was like 13 the first time I went and you're young. - It's hard to do that. - Oh my God, you're so in your head. And that's the thing about orgasms too. Like you're so in your head and if you have that pressure or whatever, it's never gonna happen. - Never. - Ever. - And it's so, but it's so hard and I just wanna normalize that it is hard and like you're not alone if you're listening and you haven't had an orgasm. - Absolutely. - Like you are not alone. - No, you're not alone. - I feel like in the past, I know I have definitely faked an orgasm. - You have, okay. - I feel like most women have that I've spoken to. - I think that there's two parts. Number one, maybe if I was in college and I was like, I'm never having an orgasm. I'm gonna fuck fake it so it can be over, which I know is so bad and I don't do that anymore. But there's another way to get them to finish. Like you say the right things or let's keep it to the end. - Absolutely, here we go. - Oh my God. - Harder. - Ooh, here we go. And then I think the other part is like, there's also sometimes where I know, like I'm having such incredible sex, but I just know that I'm not going to get there. And so I'm going to fake it because I genuinely like, you know what, I had great sex, but I'm just going to fake it at the end because he probably is going to keep going because he thinks I haven't finished yet. And I know he can finish, so just go ahead. - Right, just like, dude. - What do you do though to like if a guy's like, have you finished like the pressure? Like how do you tell guys basically like, no, I didn't finish. - You know what, I am so honest. I can have great sex. It's hard for me to orgasm, but after all, it's like, oh my God, like you know, that was great or whatever you want to say. Like it felt so good. It's hard for me to orgasm, it's nothing to do with you. Like obviously I think we can get there or sometimes if you can't, you don't say those things, but if it feels good, you want to give him props. - Obviously the phenomenon of like porn and guys being obsessed with trying to like get a girl to score and like get a girl to like come. - Yeah. - They try so hard and they're almost, have you ever had a guy be so focused on trying to give you an orgasm? Like how do you go about that basically being like, like tapping his head, like it's not gonna happen. - Right, like what do you do? - Yeah, I just pull them up. - You pull them up. - Oh yeah, like it's just not, yeah, you know, and I think a lot of guys have thing know what they're doing. They can tell if it's not gonna go that way, you know, and I think that comes a lot with experience and age. Like with a younger dude, they might not really know, you know, but a guy who's been doing it for a while. - He gets to hit. - They know what's up. - I agree, I think sometimes ladies, if you're listening or struggling with that, like that's such good advice of like, sometimes you literally don't need to say anything. Like I've done that so many times where I'm like, "Oh, he like come fuck me." Like, you should just pull them up and like, - Yeah, for sure. - Let's go. And then they'll be like, "Oh, okay, it's still just move on." - Yes, yes. - Okay, have you ever been in a relationship where your partner had different sex drives than you and how did you guys handle that? - For sure, you know, that's an example of getting in your head 'cause I have been in one where like, or maybe I haven't been as interested after a while in having sex with the person, and in my head I'm like, "Okay, I had sex today." If I wait two or three days, okay, maybe I can do it again on Thursday and then he'll be like, "Okay, you know." But then you're in your head and then you're like, "Oh, fuck." And I had that for a while, like even after a relationship being stuck in that and overthinking. Like we had sex today. Okay, when do I have to have it again to, you know? - That is the most relatable thing just to pause you right there. I can imagine how many women are like, "Me too Rachel, what the fuck do you do to like, "combat that?" - Right, it's, yeah, it's so tough, right? Because battling your head and your body, because there's totally different things. Even if I want to have sex, my head could be like, "No, I don't really want to," and then you're stuck in that pattern of like, "Okay, I'm gonna calculate this." - Do you feel like when that happened to you with that partner, 'cause I hear what you're saying, like that specific, it felt like you're kind of like, I'm not sure if I'm in this anymore, and like I don't know what I'm doing. - Right. - Did it go on for a while? Did you end it? Did you find any like remedy for it? - Yeah, it was probably like the last year and a half of doing a pattern until it finally broke off, you know? And just sticking to that and being like, 'cause I'm a very, I'm a people-pleaser that carries over into relationships. - But I feel like, I feel like in those moments, I feel like that's a good red flag for yourself to know, like, "Hey, Henry?" - No, I'm letting, he needs his space. There he goes. - Oh my God, thank you. - I think in those moments, what I would say to women is number one, For one, it may be a good red flag for you to be like, "Hey, maybe I'm not as into this person as I thought." - Yeah, like listen to what I'm going on. - Also, I would say I've sometimes had moments where I'm just like out of it with my sex drive and it's not my partner. And so sometimes like maybe finding time for yourself to masturbate or maybe not. - Which is way easier, like if you need to orgasm, it's so much easier and quicker yourself because you know your body so well. - And then I feel like sometimes for me and I don't know if you feel the same, but like sometimes then when I do that, like maybe I'll be a little bit more horny that day and then like, "Oh, I kind of would want to have sex tonight." Like, so just making sure, just checking in with yourself is really what it is about and it's really not about your partner. - Yeah, it can be either. There is a difference totally. - For sure. - And I've been in both. - How do you approach bringing a toy into the bedroom for the first time with a partner? - Okay, so I have very little experience with this. I didn't even have a vibrator until a few years ago. Like I was gifted one from a guy I was dating. I was like, fuck yeah, that's awesome. Okay, he's totally open and that, I feel like that shows a guy with awareness, right? And I had, I've only used one with that person and I haven't really brought it back since, but I would like to. - Did you like using it with your partner? - I did, except there was like one thing we were doing and it like really hurt. Like it was not the right. - Oh, yep, yep, yep, yep. - Like maybe this isn't the right way to be doing this, but I think it can be totally fun and it should be more accepted. And I know there are guys out there that would feel like their ego hurt. Like a why do you need this? Like I can give you this. - It's like no, your tongue can't buzz like that. - No, like it doesn't actually vibrate. But like just having guys that are aware and are like, oh, this is gonna help her and then they actually are about you being pleasureed as well. I think is awesome. - Have you used it alone eventually without a partner? - Oh yeah, for sure. - And I think they're great and I feel like I actually, it's funny. I was gifted one as well back in college. - Like your first one? - Yes. - I was literally using a toothbrush at the time that was in the lecture to brush the back of the head. - Hey, you know, and my friend Lauren was like, I went through a breakup and she was like, Alex, come with me. I'm like, where are we going? And she brought me to a sex shop and she was like, we need to get you a vibrator because stop using your toothbrush. I'm like, I don't brush my teeth with it. Please let me clarify. - Right. - But I think it was a cute moment because then afterwards like I definitely enjoyed time alone with myself and I enjoyed time with my partner more, but I agree. Like you have to find the right one for sex. - Right. And I think you're right. It takes a certain partner, someone that's confident in themselves and wants to make sure that they're pleasing you. If maybe even if your partner was like, oh Rachel has mentioned, like sometimes it's hard for her to orgasm, like let me think outside the box 'cause I want her to enjoy sex as much as I'm enjoying it. Like let's get her a vibrator. I think that's someone that's really confident in themselves in the relationship and wants you to enjoy yourself. (upbeat music) - You recently mentioned that your breakup with actor Bill Hader was worse than childbirth. - Okay, I did not actually say that. I'm happy you brought that up. - Woo, let's clarify. - I said, okay. Obviously he and I were not sold together. So we broke up, but it was during a time where you could not leave your house, okay? You had to sit in whatever it was that you were going through. So I had to deal with this. I had to deal with being alone and taking care of my kid and like everything else, and then like being isolated and not being able to connect with any humans, not being able to help myself. Like I got into a depression. Like all of these things, that time having to be forced to face all of your shit, I said was harder than childbirth. Is anything more painful? Fuck no, maybe kidney stones, which definitely is a close second. But like no, I didn't say that, you know? All breakups are hard. - Of course. - You know, especially when you are in something that you're really into and things happen, you know? And fucking things change and you know, there was a pandemic, like there was so many things going on. Yeah, so it was a hard time. - I cannot imagine. I think I know a lot of people messaged me going through breakups and pandemics. I mean, people were going through so much in the pandemic, whether it was almost like a breakup within yourself of self-realizing something, there was a lot. - Yeah. - And so I completely understand what you're saying with regard to that. - Think about it. - The thing you want to do after a breakup is like, get out there and socialize and be out with your friends and do your thing and you literally can only sit in a house with your child that you're taking care of. You can't even take care of yourself first, you know? And just sit with life and everything that comes along with it. - Totally. - So it was just like about being isolated and going through the pandemic with all the things in life. - When you broke up because it was a pandemic, was it like a phone call? Like did you even get to see this person in person when you guys broke up? - It was not, yeah, it was not in person. Yeah, well because, you know, in the beginning, when you're so isolated and you're so scared, 'cause you don't know, like you're like, oh my god, I looked at someone, like am I gonna die? And, you know, he has his own family, he has to think about, I had my own family to think about. And like obviously, Brian's dad, like, you know, it was like our bubble. So like, we're not going to see anyone, he's not going to see anyone. So it was definitely done and not like you're normal, like, in a person way. - What helped you ultimately heal from the pain of that heartbreak with Bill? - You know what? It was so interesting. It was almost like a blessing in disguise. So having to be alone with all of the shit and your thoughts and not leave the house like, I had to look at everything. And I'm like, okay, I've been in therapy for years, which I love, big fan, big advocate, and like, do therapy, like, right if that helps you. Like, I was reading books. I was doing things that I never had time to do. And it gave me that time to just really do things for myself. Like, yes, I'm looking after my kid, but there was obviously shared time. So I would have time absolutely alone alone. - Yeah. - And I got to do the things that I always wanted to do and it really helped me. And it was like, oh, I'm focusing just on me. And it's not about the guy or, you know, the relationship. It's literally just about me as a human. I was happy that I was forced to sit in, like, the pain or the hurt or, you know, all the feelings that come along with it because I got to get through it. Some people will hold onto that for years. Like, because they'll distract themselves. - Totally. - So you don't actually face those feelings or feelings. - I mean, if we can talk about that a little bit, 'cause I know a lot of people can relate to that topic of like, kind of knowing something maybe isn't right. But, and again, being in a pandemic, like, how did you, or I don't know if it was your decision, but come to that decision of like, I'm, this is gonna end, even if it's a pandemic, like, how did you get to that point to end it, or whoever ended it? - I think it was the stress of the situation in the world that led to it. No one knew how to be or react, you know? And I think it was just a result of that alone, the stress of it all. - Oh, really? 'Cause do you think if the pandemic hadn't happened, maybe? - I mean, I would think it probably would have went on maybe a little longer, but then in retrospect looking at it, you're like, obviously, it would have ended, 'cause it did. - You know, like, it's not. - But maybe almost ended faster. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So I guess it's kind of like a good way to look at, like, a positive, because I think a lot of times, like, we get deeper into it, and more time goes by, but ultimately, it's not the one. - Right. - So it was, like I said, blessing in disguise in many ways. Have you, through relationships now, like, when you think of the one, and like, what your wants are, how have you found that through what you've gone through with your past relationships in your mind? - I think that's everything. I think people, and as you get older, you know, I'm 40 years old, you go through all these experiences, and you're like, oh, I'm taking things from each thing, right? So there's always a positive, 'cause it's like, I recognize something in this relationship that did not work for me. So the next time I need this, and I've gotten to a place now where I know exactly what I want, what I need, and for the first time, I'm not afraid to say it. - Can you give us an example of something from any relationship you've ever been in, that you're like, this is something I know personally for me that just, like, doesn't work for me in a relationship? - Hmm, and then also a need. - Like, someone controlling's never good, you know? And I, like I said, people pleasing, I was definitely weaker, and I could, like, be subjected to that, and be like, okay, like, yeah, I'll just do whatever he says. And that's a pattern with me in a lot of the relationships I've had. So that's something like huge that I'm like, no, I need to make my decisions, and I need to stick to what I know and be strong, like, the strength in me would always be a lot weaker in relationships when I was younger, and now being older, I know exactly, like, how to speak up for myself, I should say. (upbeat music) - Have you gotten to a point, though, where, like, you can recognize when it's happening? - Yes. - And then know how to get out of it? - Yeah, I mean, it's one of those things, because when you're in something and you don't see it, then you get out of it, it's so clear. - Yeah. - That now that you can recognize it, 'cause you've acknowledged that you can recognize it, anytime it comes up, you're like, oh no, he's doing this thing. - Yep. - I'm not okay with it. - What does it need? What are you, like, these? This is something I definitely need in a partner. I need someone, make me cough me in the morning, like, fuck, yes, thank you. Honestly, I create, just, like, on top of me, missionary, like, some dudes that, like, aren't down with that, I need a man on top of me sometimes. You know what I mean? And, like, that's another thing, sexually. I'm like, yes, like, own it. I need to feel it, like, like, carries us in sex. I need to feel the weight of a man on top of me. I mean, it's like I can so relate to that guys. If anyone's listening Rachel needs coffee and missionary I mean, I feel like it's doable Are you currently single? I am not okay. Okay. Is he bringing you coffee in the morning? That's actually great. Okay. Is there anything that you look back and you're like there's a steam throughout people you've dated a theme I do I have noticed this isn't this is a generalization right I think I've dated quite a few actors And I do think that some of them not all have very like self-involved tendencies and I think that just kind of comes along with the territory a lot of the time right not saying all of them that I've dated have them, but it is a theme and I don't like it. Do you think you would ever stray from the actor? Oh, yeah, for sure. I always tell myself like never again, and then of course you know you're in another project another person But no, you know, and I will say you know with respect for my daughter's father He is not like that. I get what you're saying of like it You don't want to fall into that tendency and then you're on a movie set. Is it hard when your Single and on sets to like not get involved in that kind of stuff? Well, for sure because think about it any workplace you're in you're surrounded by the people you're around them every day And you'll meet different personalities and sometimes you'll really have chemistry with someone It doesn't matter where you are. Yes, it's a set, but it's literally someone you're spending Mostly 12 hours a day with so you're gonna get to know these people Better than you would get to know someone you're just casually dating in the beginning because it's literally That's why I feel like a lot of people do get into like workplace relationships. I'm not encouraging it But like any job you're at if you work in sales real estate It doesn't have to be entertainment and you are with that person all day every day and it starts as a friendship Right, it starts as your cordial you're going to get to the coffee together You're going to craft services together and you're then talking about your life and all of a sudden that blossoms into like Oh, yeah, maybe you could be know though it could always end of course And if it's gonna potentially always end be friends and like protect yourself and like make decisions of like before you jump in I think some people that have maybe like I think actors are lucky because it's like then you're off to your next project Right, it's like summer camp a lot of the time. Yes. Yes. And if you're in a nine to five sweetheart That's not something that is all day round. Maybe so make sure you're gonna be cozy if he's in the cubicle and like a couple weeks later You guys break up. Yeah for sure because that's difficult. Way difficult. Okay. You get very personal on your pod has it been cathartic to talk about your personal life on your podcast It has like I'm still a very private person like I won't like name names or you know But I want we wanted to create a space that and you know what before we started I listened to your first call her daddy And I was like oh my god podcast. Yes the fact that you Were so just Transparent and like didn't give a fuck like you said ever you know what I mean? It was just texted me and I said I want you to degrade me. Yes. Oh my god. That's awful god bless I remember that recording that to this day. You do. Oh my god I remember going in there just being like I'm just gonna say everything that happened this week. Right? I had no idea what I was doing. I'd never listened to a podcast in my life before I record of that I think my voice was so affected so fake. I was like hi guys This is Alex I Get it. It's like watching your first project. You're like oh my god like what is that? I get it But that being said just the very like transparency and just being super honest and open I fucking loved you know And so my best friend Olivia and I were like we want to create a safe space Where women or even men, you know, we have men coming on now just being open and honest and getting into it and not afraid to Speak whatever's on their mind like obviously we go there about sex, but we it's life, right? And we're moms and it's it's a whole different thing and it's a different phase of life But it feels really good to have our own platform to do that. I love that and I think that listen. I have had some Where I come up with fake names for people and then people still find it out So don't do that your private Rachel give you that to don't come up with like oh this one's door number three And this is slim shady and don't do that, but when you talk about the themes of what you're going through That is relatable because if we all can relate in some capacity We're all human beings going through depression anxiety happiness stress sadness like hard times with your romantic with your family with your friends And so I think like it's cool to have anyone sit down in front of a microphone and be open like I think everyone can appreciate that I thought would hope so and I think it's accessible and people like kind of crave that authenticity Yeah, and I think for me, it's like okay, I can speak personally about my own experiences But I don't want to like bring other people in that don't have a mic in front of them and can't either defend or share their side that is the Catch 22 of it all And I'm still trying to figure it out. I know right you had to like push the boundary But for sure like respecting I got it respecting people in your life. Absolutely. I think I read you don't introduce Your child to people you date. I've learned yeah from you know mistakes In the past that you don't want to do it too quickly. Yeah, but luckily, you know She's only seven now and she was a lot younger before and whatnot So it probably didn't resonate as much as it would now per say But yeah, I think that's super important because I don't want it to look like some revolving door or yeah I don't know how it's gonna affect her and she's number one for me like totally hands down before work before men before anything And so I don't take that lightly have you had a lot of people that are respectful of that Yeah, I've only had positive experiences luckily But also that speaks to like me knowing what I mean and what now so I'm not gonna entertain anything if they don't understand the kid comes first And I think that's great and it's also like ladies be fucking confident like you did the most incredible thing in the world Which is bring a human being onto this earth and like if someone is not going to be Positive and accepting of however you want to handle the boundary is tell them to put themselves and find someone better for sure And a lot of women have those insecurities. I think absolutely Be moms or whatever age you are at that point and just thinking like oh or guys gonna want it's like oh fuck that Yeah, you know totally Being a public figure most of your life Is there anything that you would like to share that you think maybe is like a misconception about you or people maybe think about you that you're like Oh, I would like to like clarify and kind of just say my piece on that God, you know I feel like I've been fortunate enough to have Mostly a positive response and I think you know, I love that it's important to me like how I carry myself Setting an example whatever but I'm super fucking crashed and like I have a dirty sense of humor And I'm not afraid to show it and I think it'll come through on broad ideas like the new podcast But I feel very fortunate like I feel like I've gone through this Time of my life where I've been you know working or whatever In a decent way where I can be proud that my daughter will see how I carried myself What do you attribute that to because I think a lot of people like fuck like this shit? Like I got me fucked up by being in the public whether it was maybe they didn't come from the best family to give them values Right, no, that's yeah, like what do you think you why you just end up having such a good like straight and narrow path There's not a lot of drama around you I think that the support system you have around you is huge all my best friends are my best friends since high school and before and junior high Never strayed from that. I don't make new friends often And my family I have a very supportive family And I grew up that way and a loving open mom clearly And I think that is such a big part of it and people around you that know you so well They can just if you have a moment you're like no, no, no, no, no, no, like get the fuck back down here Oh, what are you doing and I have that and we trust that and it's like the friends like no, you can't borrow my new dress Like it's that comfort ability of like I haven't worn it yet, you know Yeah, you can be real with you can be real totally no I really respect you saying that and I feel like it's really cool to get to sit down with you because we respect your work So much and so now it's cool to be able to like sit with Rachel Billson and talk with you and get to know you I'm such a fan of yours I was like oh my god It was just such a cool thing and I think this is so beautiful what you're doing. I love it and inspired me to, you know Just be able to go there like you gave me the confidence is like you can be who the fuck you are and say what the fuck you want And still be a successful woman in this world and it's awesome Rachel thank you so much (upbeat music)