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late night bites with friends already hard to beat that first too hot bite of fries you couldn't wait for followed by ice cold pepsi now that hits different suddenly the energy kicks back in the night goes longer and the laughs don't stop because pepsi brings out more flavor more fun and more of the moment food deserves pepsi grab a pepsi zero sugar today hey bad friends i'm gonna be playing september 7th in st louis well it's st charles but it's right next door to st louis missouri you gotta go you gotta go please you want to see the best comic in the world you gotta see me baby i'm at the meristar casino september 7th there in st charles st louis missouri that's my last show of the year so come out and see me go to andrew santino.com for those tickets that's andrewsantino.com st louis st charles missouri hey guys we have new merch i love these shirts these are my favorite ones look at how great this shirt is right now this is incredible an amazing bad friends artist made this for us and we want you guys all to be wearing it on your person right now you can buy these shirts right now in red or black at badfriendsmerch.com that's badfriendsmerch.com go get the shirts you two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude and an asian dude you two are disgusting oh you two are something we're bad friends christine dun dun dun dun dun that's where you went christine christine wow christine i did it on wednesday did you really is it that good it's fantastic phantom of the opera it's i don't know anything about the story so good tell me the story it's a ghost story it's a ghost it's a ghost story it is but he's half white what's the mask about yeah interesting yeah yeah i mean i don't like it can i tell you something tell me about it the cast i went to yeah phantom is black is it really yeah and he has a white half white face well yeah okay he's in white face i like that that's the phantom is black i want them black okay yeah yeah what sure man i want my phantoms black me too all right and my grim reaper reapers phantom uh was fantastic wow so it makes sense is there opera oh yeah okay it's called phantom of the eye i understand that but there could be not christine oh come to my dude it's so funny it's good i loved it i love it you're gay that's what you are you're gay yeah 100 percent undoubtedly yeah because i will not go yeah yeah i you would never go yeah i went to the lion king one time is it the same same it's just it's a play yeah it's still a is it an opera would you say they're singing no it's a musical oh it's a musical what's the difference between musical and an opera fancy knows you went to school for this yeah for real yeah for real yeah he wants to know musical is a modern operas are generally sung through classical performances utilizing non-amplified operatic voices you have to sing like this yeah yeah yeah but if i sing like this this is a musical kind of yeah yeah that's pretty good i see um come on i understand that kind of bummed he got his eyes done now he can see everything that's on that screen he used to not be able to read it now he can see everything i can see everything i can read it it was incredible the whole cast did a great job it was really cool did you go backstage no i sat in the i thought you know i don't know that's why you don't go no you went to the wedding how was it the b.i.p i was the wedding i didn't go yeah you did i know you went you liar yeah i saw the photos didn't go yeah how was the how was the wedding i threw up on taylor swift's dress yeah everywhere was it star studded yeah yeah yeah no dude it was just cousins it was all a thousand cousins it was a thousand cousins i see like so are you christine when you're in that situation are you nervous or you're having fun i'm having a blast there's just certain people that aren't allowed to go certain people aren't allowed to go or or are not friends in that you know that's fine i'm not you know if like there's certain weddings i would probably be invited to yeah who who's like you know uh joel that drummer from the comedy who was a doorman joel jimenez yeah yeah joel jimenez i don't think you would i don't think maybe not yeah i don't think so yeah but i don't think huge you know i think that maybe i would get invited to certain mccones when i know but not but not the level of i can't think of anyone in the level i might not get to my i don't think so you know what i realized the other day when i was swimming that if i was thrown overboard in the middle of the ocean like if i was on a cruise or whatever yeah i would survive for six minutes because i tried to test it i timed it and waiting in a pool for six minutes that's my limit i would have drowned six minutes is pretty good yeah without any like platform or something to hold on to average time for the coast guard to come get you it's like an hour yeah what's the average time dead you're totally dead under an hour to several days yeah there's no way i would i would see he says hypothermia depending on where you fall in you fall in down there in the bahamas you're gonna be listen to me my pole is heated okay there are no waves yeah there are no sharks yeah probably orcas i timed it six fucking minutes i'd be dead we should stuff we should put sharks and stuff in your pool and make a wave machine in there to see how long we could last yeah well without the sharks first no put the shark okay put the shark but the ones that don't bite two minutes the ones that just tickle you like a tiger yeah tiger shark yeah yeah yeah 50 to 60 degrees you could last one to two hours wow in 50 degrees you'd have to have something to float on like jack did and rose like a door let's rip a door off in your house and put it in the pool and reenact titanic oh i can jack it i can rose it yeah yeah you can rose it yeah 100 yeah i'll jack it they're they're gonna come soon yeah bye yeah goodbye i can i be honest with that is they could have both fit on that door not only that i would have jacked it you would have killed yourself no i would have been like pushed her off and then got on stayed on that's reverse jack yeah i reverse the jack what's the other guy's name that snuck the family the women and children boat that guy her ex-husband he's the guy his fiance sorry he snuck on the women and children boat he snuck on the women and children boat he snuck on the women yeah who plays that billy zane you do yeah that's a hundred i would do the billy zane yeah yeah you would have gotten on well i'm small yeah you're like a little yeah yeah they would see that i was women children and asians yeah i go hello yeah is that an asian woman yeah i am redheads just jump in and die yep speaking of death i think mitch mcconnell's still alive is he he doesn't know he's alive though you keep talking about that yeah i don't think he's alive but um he i think he's brain dead but i think he's still alive hey go to the first go to images yeah how bad is his pr team that they're not trying to get rid of these pictures just get rid of that just be like don't publish it don't publish that that's what he looks like i know so cut it out yeah you know sometimes you can google someone and it only shows photos of them when they were like 40 yeah you know what i mean it's like this guy they're letting him put everything get it out of there i mean is it me is he not hot i don't think he is brother all right good i just don't i don't want to shame the guy i just don't think that like i don't know what is he hot not even when he was young yeah as a young guy he wasn't hot no didn't work never had like a so he always was in an awkward phase yeah he like never got out of it yeah and then he also marched with martin luther king did he i don't know what you're chasing him did he yeah i think it was chasing him is that true or no yeah there he is where is he and there's his wife right there next yeah which one is is that is not martin luther king that's just a black guy yeah you think that's mlk no i heard that it's not tiktok that is not bro someone on tiktok was like that's mlk that's just a black guy he attended his march and he went to the march that doesn't mean he marched with him yeah attended wait he attended it that's no but there was like a big gathering he probably showed up to the gathering to be like how can we get this guy i'm trying to get him oh i see plotting and planning i thought he changed through time i think people do that i doubt it yeah like i love black people and then as they get money and you know power and stuff i don't like him anymore for some reason i'd say he's so chris such he's like how old there he is 90 what he's 84 no he's 90 by now no he's 84 mitch should should not be able to allow and also barry manilow it's like it's like it's over and so you had your time you had your time yeah it's like why don't you want to just lay on a beach have you seen that their mouth this mouth the mouths don't move it's the creepiest thing i've ever seen yeah that they've got him like propped up and it's like his teeth are doing i'm like this is ventriloquy i think jeff dunham is is yeah doing barry manilow now yeah you know the best white song is give me the best white song the the best song you guys ever written and i'm like christopher cross sailing it's like the best white feeling by the way yeah look at that photo of him i know nothing else they didn't have any other picture available here's why I like it. You can imagine yourself, right, being a black guy on a boat. Uh-oh. With three other white guys. Well. Right? You're sailing. Rowing. You are sailing and rowing, right? Yeah. And then when the boat comes back, right? Are you on the boat because you wanted to be on the boat? Yeah, I wanted to be on the boat. The minorities are gone, you know? Oh, you're a black guy on the boat with all white guys? Yeah. Sailing. Yeah, just like what happened. I was trying to do a reference of that black guy. We got it. Missing. We got it. I don't think you did. I got it. I don't think it's a good joke. It's a great joke. I don't know why I said that. I apologize. It's fine. No, sometimes I hit. Am I missing today? You're hitting home runs. I don't think so. As far as I'm concerned. Yeah. I like the color of that beanie, by the way. Thank you. I tell you. What? I think retirement is key. Yeah, you hear people talk about retirement like, oh, you're not going to like it. You know, it's a repetition. There's no goal in life. That's when you start dying. Sounds great. It sounds great to me. I want to get out of here. Yeah. Let's get out of here. Just being. I'm going to be on a beach all day, like drinking sweet drinks. You're going to be in Hawaii 100%. Oh, yeah. On a private little beach. Not private. Amongst everybody. Okay. He needs recognition. Yeah. No. I honestly believe that. Is that Bobby Lee? All day. A sign that says, it's me, Bobby Lee. There's no way. There's no way. So, a small little place. You know what I mean? I want to grow a farm. Grow a farm. Yeah. I'm going to farm. I'm going to farm. Melons. What are you going to farm? I think melons. What? What did you farm? Whatever they have, like sugar cane, you know. Pineapple. Dole was there for you. Yeah. Pineapple. Things that in that environment you can grow. Something thriving. I want to learn how to grow. I like that. Yeah. I want to learn. I want to have like a big yard for like cats and dogs and stuff. I love that. And just like, you know, lay on a beach. Now, would you ever split a farm with me or no? Yeah, I would. Cannabis, tobacco, coca, kava, and nut palm. These are drugs you can farm. Okay. Probably kava. Opioids, maybe. I love kava. Why are you doing that? Yeah. We don't, we're not going to, he's going to farm legal substances he can distribute. No, he can relapse once he retires. Okay. Yeah, what? Carlos? First of all, you know the process from coca to cocaine? Oh, you would so hire people for that. As someone that has hired a few people to do that, it is still very hard to do. Yeah. Maybe I can gentrify cocaine like they're doing with sardines. Oh, you can get the leaves in Los Feliz. Yeah. Like the plants and children. You know too much about this. Yeah. I'm a little nervous. I think if you gentrify old school drugs, that's my thing. That's my thing. That's cool. Because they're doing it like, you know, with Fish Wife. You know what Fish Wife is? No. Is it a new restaurant? No. No, it's a sardine. So back in the day, right? Teach me, baby. I'll tell you. Right? Thousands of years of people, like poor people would eat sardines in cans. I like that. But it's super good for you. Yeah. It's really good protein. And she, you know, kind of gentrified it and made it like cool. It's like what they do with lobster. Yes, exactly. Because they have to serve it to prisoners. Right. So she's that. Fish Wife. Fish Wife smoked Atlantic salmon is so good. So it's a brand of fish. It's a brand of fish in a tin in a can. I got it. Right. So why can't we do it with opium? Okay. I think you're right. Yeah. I won't do it because I'm sober, but it's like, you know. Hey, right here. I'll do it. Yeah. I'll do it. What would we call it? Smoke husband, man. Summer school. Summer school. Yeah. Oh, summer school. Summer school is fantastic. That's a fantastic thing. Everyone in this room had to take it. I'll tell you that. Yeah. It's a little baggy. It says summer school. Yeah. It's fentanyl. Damn, dude. Do we got to give you credit for that? That's nuts. Yeah. Bobby, what should we call it? Summer spring. Okay. I'm sorry. Lake. Lake. Lake boat. No. Lake Elsinore. Lake Elsinore. Lake Elsinore. That's a cool. Lake sail. No. Sail lake. Sail lake. No. Sail away lake. Sail away lake. How about. How about. White lady. Coke. White lady is too literal. That's what they call it on the streets. Yeah. Yeah. White sail. Yeah. White ghost. They are usually. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Except for a phantom this weekend. Anyway, we'll fuck up. We'll get a marketing team. I got a new family for you to hate in the farming world. Who? I had this discussion with my in-laws at the house about farming in central California. The Resnick family. Do you know these people? The wonderful. They own wonderful. You know, they own all of the water. Like literally all of our water. Yeah. Check this out. Half of the world's nuts come from this family right here. And these people look up the click on his Wikipedia. Majority stake in the current water bank. One of California's largest underground water storage facilities. Capable of storing 500 billion gallons. OK, check this out. Every single year, they use 120 billion gallons of water. Two thirds on nuts. This is enough to supply San Francisco's entire population with water for a decade. That's insane. Kill these. We don't need. No. What do we got to do? We don't need nuts. We got to. Do we need pistachios? I mean, I like walnuts. That I think this is pistachios and almonds. But they're using the water for to sell to sell water, right? They're using the water to make almonds and pistachios. It takes a ton of water to make them. Oh, I didn't know. Well, then I don't need pistachios or almonds anymore. Get rid of them. Yeah. Gone. Yeah. It's the same water that fracking wastewater. Right. They got criticized for that. Oh, really? We should capitalize on air. How do we bottle air? We got a bottle air, I think. I think you can. do that from concerts you can get like a taylor swift air bottle will you hey will you buy the website bad friends air and we'll start redistributing air what we need to do is take the air out of the world and then like sell it back to the world you want oxygen yeah you want oxygen but we secretly gotta buy from took the air away we could sell it from the bad friends studio like bobby lee breathed this air or air um buildings no dude he wants to own baseball i want to air all i want to own all air bobby wants to own the atmosphere yeah yeah so we we gobble up all the air right take the air out of society in the world yeah right and go oh you want to breathe hey rainforest you want to breathe but they're like we have trees but it's like we gotta take them away no no they create oxygen yeah but a high velocity fan okay how about this okay why don't we just start owning gravity let's go we gotta own gravity dude yeah yeah they're out of here yeah yeah out of here dude come down to earth pal yeah that'll be our ad or let's double down once we get gravity let's own black holes okay yeah we'll get it all yeah we'll get it all and bending space and time carlos heard black holes and piped up real fast yeah yeah once you get the air something called the bernelli effect happens when all the air you get like you're immersed by it so you're yeah of course you're immersed by it you need because you're alive you need to give it two to five feet of space well bernelli will be the the the brand the brand of our air yeah you can bernelli brand yeah seal the gaps obviously can you imagine we hire him to seal the gaps none of them are sealed yeah we lose all of our air the first day isn't it crazy to think that like you know everything is monetized yeah even simple things like water and well people have owned the water and food i know so long it's like and a lot of these water companies you don't realize aren't really that good for you oh you mean with microplastics and and and and such they just caught fancy olive oil company the one in the where you squeeze it's the little tiny droplet that comes up they sell them at fancy places it has forever chemicals all in it olive oil company they just got caught with forever count chemicals that's why i buy pretty high-end olive oil i make my own you have all the trees yeah yes i do and i think you're out and i see one tree and i oh you hand i hand you hand squeeze them i hand sweet i just i do that with almond milk you do yeah i take almonds and i squeeze them as hard as i can p-fast baby forever chemical yeah we got them in all of our blood they got sued two hours ago by the new york attorney general oh really it just happened yeah wow nice i bought a hair kit what yeah what are you talking about like on tiktok it was like you know i mean we send us your hair and we'll tell you what's in your body stop sending people your stuff why dna we don't want to send your dna no it's an incredible company you know you should do send your dog's hair oh i'd see and they're like bobby this is a huge problem this is a problem they call you they're like sir can we have a conversation yeah are you half are you primitive yeah you're like i mean i do feel i'm awake all night i do yeah yell at the moon in the middle of the night yeah there's a gonna be that new movie coming i'm excited what because there's never really been werewolf uh a werewolf movie yeah teen wolf dog no one of my robert eggers a scary one oh a scare oh a horror that did no stir off through that he didn't ask her off to he's doing this he's doing not fair up to no stir off to let him say it the way he wants to say it yeah you're fucking spanish cuck you spanish cock dude well wolf and it's spelled like fancy would say it exactly because look at that if that's not a world isn't that the liver king that guy wow the werewolf when does this come out next year probably at the end of this year you should watch check out the trailer it's pretty good there's some good movies coming out man who's in it zoom in willem defoe he's always in robert eggers he was in the lighthouse he was in no stir off to wait is that right taylor johnson uh lily rose depp yeah ralph innocence simon maberni so they gave yeah cool lily rose depp well she was in um no stir off to what am i saying it wrong yes what is it how do you spell it nosferatu nosferatu you say it however you want to say no i don't want to say it correctly nosferatu nosferatu nosferatu now lily rose depp she was also in johnny depp's balls at one point yeah but she was okay let me say something if you watch nosferatu right she's amazing in that you would be yeah you would be if your stepmom pooped in your bed you'd have to have some kind of yeah you'd have to have some kind of depth some trauma yeah some traumatic depth to make you a good actor yeah who's here uh oh uh oh blum blum blum blum blum blum blum blum it's black magic black magic in the house black magic black magic in the house what are you doing are you a crypt now are you a crypt he's a crypt from Compton black magic in the house blue chew I'm almost 55 years old um I have a girlfriend and um I have to admit I have to use sometimes blue chew that's not something you should be afraid to admit many many many many millions of men need to do this and blue chew now is upping their game with blue chew gold it's better sex than a tablet they combine four ingredients into one powerful solution two ingredients are gonna get you hard physically boom boom and two support arousal woo woo it makes you desire it it desires it in your brain in your brain and it's time to make your bedroom noisy again nothing says hello neighbors like a bedpost knocking against the drywall at 2am that's your bedpost that's bobby's bedpost that's my bedpost yeah I have a big head I'm Korean and I'm telling you there's a reason blue chew is number one brand for better sex experience it for yourself at bluechew.com it's so good bobby is using it and he calls me right after and goes let me tell you something dude I'm juiced up bricked up to the ceiling and we got a special deal for our listeners right now when you buy two months of blue chew gold you get the third free with promo code bad friends that's promo code bad friends you're also gonna receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information we're gonna thank blue chew once again for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom avocado green mattresses I'm so excited to tell you our sponsor avocado green mattresses because so good you know why wouldn't you use why would you use any other mattress when the avocado is the best one it is kind of remarkable when I switched because avocado was nice enough to send us a mattress yep you can feel it immediately the quality the quality that they put into this is so so nice they're designed to provide 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friends to check out their mattress and their furniture sale that's avocado green mattress dot com slash bad friends avocado green mattress dot com slash bad friends rocket money I'll tell you this the best gift you ever give me is rocket money because I've saved so much money on my subscriptions on my gadgets so funny how many you had I think this guy had 12 things he didn't even use I was bleeding money guys it's so stupid and they're saving people so much money I don't even know why you don't want automatic savings so you download these apps you pay for a subscription you forgot you did it and rocket money is going to save you money they're going to save you over $70 on average within the first 30 days they've saved users over 880 million in cancelled subscriptions that's absurd that's insane dad the app consolidates everything checking savings loans investments into a single dashboard you can look at everything in front of your face it gives you a clear view of your financial picture and it automates savings by the way so you can grow with adjustable amounts of frequency you can set it and forget it approach which is awesome if you're saving for something big take the money back from all the unwanted unused nonsense on your phone save it for that rainy day for that thing you really want well the app consolidates checking savings loans and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture that's exactly right yeah rocket money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings let rocket money help you reach your financial goals faster join at rocketmoney.com slash bad friends that's rocketmoney.com slash bad friends rocketmoney.com slash bad friends black magic in the house in the motherfucking house got no motherfucking how you doing black magic feeling good you looking good you look good ladies and gentlemen black magic is back on the show good to see you baby boy so I've been getting into the alien thing a little bit more you have yeah I don't understand it so the hieroglyphics in ancient times in the cave drawings they show alien heads and alien things so do you think the Egyptians and these kind of people witnessed and met aliens a hundred percent you do yeah what if they were the aliens aren't they the aliens no they're not see I think they were the aliens when we say the aliens built the pyramids that's who was there I mean 'cause look at the size of them things and just the science behind them we can't figure it out they keep giving all these I've seen all these videos where they try to emulate how to do that doesn't work well the Giza is exactly pointing to true north that's true why are you laughing dude that's not true it's just such TikTok brain yeah it's pointing to true north but it is it is true north west Kanye's child she's doing a concert atop the yeah and also it's like the Egyptians believed that we were it was trying to talk about how we're in the age of Pisces but we're about to be in the age of Aquarius oh I wish it was Sagittarius yeah and in 150 years the age of Aquarius is gonna happen what the fuck is that you're supposed to know you're supposed to know that's why I'm bringing it up dude I feel like black people always know this about the yeah yeah about the what the age of Aquarius the fifth dimension my aunt was heavy into this shit I know yeah see yeah black people are into it and none of our aunts were into this she was teaching me this shit when I was young and I'm still fucked up I don't get it yeah I don't either that's what I'm asking what is it are we in the age of Aquarius in 150 years and then what happens and the Egyptians seem to hint at it right and they have all these like weird like hieroglyphics I can't say it how do you say it hieroglyphics hieroglyphics the age of Aquarius is an astrological era characterized by a shift towards collective consciousness humanitarianism innovation and interconnectedness sounds good astrologers calculate its arrival based on the position of the equinox is roughly 26,000 year cycle while the exact start date remains heavily debated many believe we are transitioning into this new dawn right now that's insane we're in the age of Aquarius now well we've been in the age in conjunction with AI and all these other things that are happening and CERN you know that machine that they shut down in was it Switzerland or Netherlands where is it but they just shut it down just for maintenance that's what they told you that's what they told you they told you it's for maintenance but you know it's really you know do you work at CERN damn black holes and dementias these motherfuckers yeah you probably didn't even know it then the ship came in like what the fuck yeah they had no idea do you know much about CERN or no yeah I know a whole not a whole lot but I know tell us about it look at CERN well CERN is just particle accelerators just them colliding particles what's that statue about what statue in the front of that's right in front of the CERN yeah explain that that's the ain't that the Ali Wong was a part of it I mean what's going on here isn't that the who is that the Indian goddess I don't know which one which one aren't there thousands of them yeah it's like I forget man shit I don't be Shiva when it comes is it Shiva is it Shiva that's Shiva okay okay did I get it but why is it in front of the CERN building why is the Shiva statue in front of the CERN building is what we need to know this is the kind of stuff that our fans really need I've I honestly we can talk about something else oh no I'm being we can talk about something else this is something I'm being I think you're being disrespectful to whom I'm more of a Christian guy myself to me Shiva stands outside of the CERN building as a symbolic gift from the Indian government to celebrate its long-standing scientific partnership with the laboratory ooh back to the 1960s wow I can understand that I'm more of a Krishna guy myself you oh you like Krishna yeah Krishna I'm a Shiva guy oh you're Krishna yeah Krishna all the way I like more than one arms that's what I support but Krishna is the most like described God in the Hindu in the Hindu what do you mean described he's like if you google what God is God is the most most described God in the in the in the Vedas the Vedas or the or let me describe a God and you guess what it is okay he's wearing robes he's got a beard long hair white God who is it sound like who is it he's got a robe good beard yeah two fishes in his basket sounds like my guy two fishes in his basket right there's a snake what's going on oh that's Jesus he's fat Asian right Buddha he's happy exactly so I mean I'm more of a Shang-Di guy that's who I am who's Shang-Di who's Shang-Di Shang-Di is the original describe it well Shang-Di isn't that your cousin that's my cousin yeah go ahead second cousin on my mom's side Shang-Di is the original Chinese God that's the supreme God can you describe it without looking at the photos they also changed the name to Tian huh describe it without looking at the photo Shang-Di fucking like like the sun I don't know how to fucking describe him. He's just like our guy, God in Jesus, - The God of Jesus, he's hard to describe. - Beautiful. - He looks like him, me. - That's Shangdi? - Yeah, that's Shangdi, dude. - He's Chinese though. - Watching me with a beard. Imagine me with a beard, dude. - Go to all real fast. - Is that Emperor Guangwu, whatever his name is? - Zoom in on Shangdi. Supreme deity in ancient Chinese theology dating back to the Shang and Zhu dynasties, initially viewed as the ultimate ancestor of the Shang royal family. He controlled victory, harvest, weather. Hey, weather? - He's like Storm from X-Men. - Someone else took that over years later. Later, Protestant missionaries famously adopted the term to translate the concept of the Abrahamic God into Chinese. So he was the original from the Shang dynasty. - Right, so he was way before Buddha though. - Oh, yeah, because he's 16. - 'Cause he's the original, not only that, but he's also, it's Tian is the same God too. - They're one and the same. - Hey, what part of Spain are you from? - I'm from the north. - From the north, but what city? - Santiago de Compostela. - Oh, Santiago de Compostela. - I was gonna go visit, and then everyone told me not to. - Right. - When I was in Spain, they were like- - Too many bells. - Don't go. - Are there bells there? - All in the streets, it's all bells. The whole place is made of bells, little tiny bells. - Is Yao Ming, he live close to where you were? - Yao Ming is Chinese. - Yeah. - The basketball player? - No, Laming. - Yao Ming Lamal. - There he is. - He's super talented, that kid. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's your all time? - Who's your all time, of what? - Personal, is it Henry? - Henri, Henri, Thierry Henri, I think is my guy. - Burr? - Burr Camp. - Burr Camp. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Fucking nice. - Legend. Dennis Burr Camp, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. I like him. - I can't. - Why can't you? - Uh-huh, uh-huh. - Yeah, you don't understand. - Uh-huh, it's like edging. Soccer's like an edge the whole time. - I'm a edger. Aren't you an edger? - What is that? - It gets close to coming, but you never nut. - Yeah, I never nut. - Oh wow, that's gotta be painful. - That's what soccer is to me, painful to watch. - The only time that ever happened is like when your mom walked in when you beatin' 'em. - No, I don't know that. - Okay, well then, sorry. - Go ahead, finish it, though. Finish it. - I don't know about that. I don't know about that. - You know what you do? You're in there thinking you got some privacy and she's like, "Hey, you want pancakes?" Like, "Uh." - You've done that? How many times has that happened? Okay. - You do got the pancakes afterwards. - Was that traumatic? - Yeah, it is. - Yeah, yeah, it's pretty traumatic. - My mom, she just, you know, she just pretend like it don't happen. She just, "Eh, okay, well now." "Jeez, he's going at it." - How old were you when that was happening? - 28. - Oh boy, I hope you grow up a little bit, Doc. I saw what was going on in there. - But she the one who gave me the sex ed book instead of just sitting down, sitting me down and talking to me. - Did you read? - Yeah. - There's a sex ed book? - So then I get to a page and there's-- - Is there like photographs in it? - Sitting on the toilet and he's like this and it's like, "It's okay to masturbate." And I was like, "Really?" And there began my porn addiction. - The path through puberty. - Wow. - So what did your mom go, "Sit down, Doc. I want to talk to you about sex." - She gave him a book. - She just gave me the book, Bob. - Oh, okay. - She was like, "Hey, there's a book on your desk. Can you read it?" And I was like, "All right." - And in the book, it had masturbation. There was a chapter? - Yeah. - Yeah. I discovered it on my own. How about you? - You didn't need a book? - I didn't need a book, no. It got hard. I'm like-- - You discovered it differently than everybody else. - Oh wow, yeah. - For sure. - For sure. - Okay, when I was molested, I wasn't hard. - Oh, I-- - I didn't say you were. I didn't even talk. I wasn't even talking about that. - He's talking about the experience of the joy. - Yeah. - Wait a minute. Was there joy? Just asking. Interesting. - I think my dad kind of said something. I think my dad said, "Hey, kiddo." - "Hey, kiddo." - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, what else did he say? - "What are you doing?" - "What are you doing?" - "Yeah, yeah. Come over here." - Okay, well, am I? All right, I'm naked. - Yeah, come over here. - Okay, I'm over here. - Yeah, yeah, look at this. You know what this is? - Is this yours? - No, this is a magazine. - Oh, what is that? - It's, you know, pretty good magazine. It's called "Hustler." - Oh, nice. - How you doing? - I'm good. - You wanna look? - Better now. - Yeah, yeah. Now, do you feel any kind of thing down there? - No. - You don't? - No. - Look at this. - What is that? Ooh, a cologne advertisement. - Yeah, smell it. Yeah. - Mm. - Drakkar. - Now I'm hard. - Yeah. - So your pops introduced you to-- - I think he just taught, no, no. Not like sex. Not jerking off stuff. I think my dad said something about, "If you're gonna do stuff with girls, you go get a condom." I think that was like the most that he said. Was like, "If you're gonna do what I, "what you're probably gonna do at your age, "just don't, don't, don't, don't be dumb. "Just go get a condom." - So when y'all got in middle school, if my mother would just would've waited one more year, they taught us that. 'Cause we had sex ed in-- - Yeah. - And there wasn't circle jerks. See how Bobby laughs? - Yeah, I know, I know, I know. I understand. - What do you mean circle jerks? - I don't know. I'm not a community circle jerk, you know. - We did. - Yeah, yeah, you did. - You got 'em. - You discovered it on your own. So what happened was, so my friend Alan's dad had videotapes, right? And so what I would go, I would go, "Hey, can you steal one of his videotapes? "And can I borrow it?" - Yeah. - Yeah. - I love the videotapes. - And back then it was like a movie called "Debbie Does Dallas." - I love "Debbie Does Dallas." - "Debbie Does Dallas." - Yeah, it's a classic. It's like porn's, you know, "Vertigo" or whatever. - It's apocalypse now. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so that was, what year was "Debbie Does Dallas?" - 19, she was before our time, but-- - It had to have been '87, '78. - Yeah, so that's perfect, you know what I mean? So I'm like 10 years old, he has "Debbie Does Dallas." And I take it home, right? My parents are at work. It was a weekend. And I jerked off real quick, like three pumps watching "Debbie Does Dallas." And then a little thing came out, like a little droplet. And I was like, it felt so good. And I was like, wow! - Like a, just like a, like a volcano or like, was it a fucking, was it like the, over the side? - It made that sound-- - It was more like a-- - It made that sound when you walk into a Korean store, ding dong. - Yeah, but I just remember that. I must've been like 13, I don't know. - 13, 13 is about right. - Yeah. - Yeah, 13. - Wait, wait, wait, y'all parents didn't have porn? - No. - No, dude. - What are you talking about? - Yeah. - I didn't either. - Yeah, your parents didn't? - Yeah, your did. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Your mom did. - Yeah. - She found your mom's. - My dad. - Your dad had it? - That shit was all over the place. I was like, he the worst fucking hider ever. I was finding porn under the couch, under the shelves. And I was like, dude, this, you got this shit everywhere. - Did your mom never say anything about it? - I'm quite sure she watched it with him. She had to, 'cause I'm just like, fuck it, this too much porn. - Yeah. - 'Cause my father-- - They're watching it together. - Freak like a motherfucker. - Well, Keith, that's a good-- - We still use "Jurassic Park" as a family, but. Gather 'round, family. We're gonna watch "Jurassic Park" or whatever, but not you guys. - I guarantee you. - Forrest Gump, everybody. Come on in. - I guarantee your pops probably had porn hidden somewhere. - No, we didn't. - For sure, he didn't. - For sure, I didn't. - For sure, my dad. - Yeah, my parents were traditional Korean old people. - My dad did, for sure, but it's not like, it wasn't in the cupboard. It wasn't near the cereal. - Did you look for it? - No, 'cause I had my own. Like, I had ours. - All right. - You know what I'm saying? By the shelf is, I was like, one song, one tape under the couch. - What do you mean? Is it "Dried Basil"? I mean, it's on a shelf. - No, what I'm saying, though, is I became like Inspector Gadget. I was looking at the chimney. I didn't give a fuck. I was like, "Where's he keeping this shit?" And I was finding his stash like, "This motherfucker." Man, it was like a marathon of beating off. I said, "This is insane." - He's a little gadget. - Magazines everywhere. I said, "This dude got fucking--" - A claw. - Yeah, a claw. - Man. - Dad's just trying to make you a detective. He's like, "Doc gon' be a detective." - You found it eventually. - Yeah, I was found-- - Was he like the riddler? He'd leave clues? - Yeah. - Like a little card, you know what I mean? Welcome, Doc. - The three main spots. - If tits are what you're looking for, lift up the floor. - Yeah. - The three main spots was underneath the couch, behind the couch, underneath. - No, we don't know. - Time out. - I'm trying to tell y'all. - Hold on, hold on, hold on. - I was lifting up couches and shit. I was like, "Oh, here we go." - Yeah, yeah, yeah, the couch beneath the couch. I got it. - If your parents were watching it together, why wouldn't they just keep it in their bedroom? - Yeah. - Because that's why I was finding that shit too. It didn't matter. - It doesn't matter. - It's like they should've just kept it in their bedroom. - I don't think my mom, I think my dad was the one. He just was just into that shit like that. - Yeah. - He just was hiding it. That's the way he was at it. My mother would did that. But my father, I'm like, "He's the one hiding it. This is dumb shit." - Yeah, he wanted you to find it. - He was hoping that you were interested. - And they had a master bed. I mean, a king size, king bed. - Yeah, most parents have that. - No, no, but my parents don't have. - My parents didn't have a single bed, but yeah. - Not with the secret compartment. - On top of the, what do you call it? - The headboard? - Yeah, it's not the headboard, but it's the headboard, but it's like a- - It's the couch beneath the couch. - The triple couch situation? - Yeah. - You know that one? - The headboard, not the headboard. - No, it's like, I don't even know what to call it. 'Cause it's like, it was a mirror, right? - You ain't never seen no shit like this in the whole- - All right, so there's like a bed, let me like- - Time out. - You mean like a king bed- - A dresser, are you saying? - And there's a mirror in the back. - This whole thing that goes with the bed. - Yeah, like the bed frame. - You could call it a headboard. - The bed frame and the headboard. - Right, but this is like, so the headboard is actually a mirror with drawers, and then it's got two- - Oh, that. Is that it? - Bigger than that. - Oh, bigger than that, yeah. We can visualize that. it's like a whole contraption they had like it was very oh i see i understand because that's what my friend alan had his parents had a water bed but in behind it there were cabinets and a mirror and there was a mirror on the ceiling for some reason i don't know ceiling yeah these people had parents like in my mind i was like what is that about like something what do you mean what is people what do you mean see that one right there yeah something kind of like that which went all the way on the end that one with the blue oh you just know with that blue one what that blue one no no no go back with the arrow okay like that like that okay like that like that okay there's a microwave above there what the fuck is going on there man there's a whole bunch of shit okay what is it saying yeah rent a center who's it yeah wow you never seen it i've never seen any no i've i think seen i've seen 70s versions of that but yeah yeah so there's contraption i don't have that at home up on the top very tip top yeah he used to hide tapes in the area yep right up in there yeah i used to DVDs or tapes all of them laser just vhs and all maggots the field of the old film thing that they put the reel in reel to reel yeah reel to reel was was funny too is it just was penthouse hustler he had a couple playboy but playboy playboy was always weak he wanted yeah he wanted it he wanted it nasty he wanted that and i showed it i said i'm talking about this dude like father like son you know i don't yeah i don't but um wow so you you he hit him in that backboard yeah and also the couch behind the couch where are some other areas kitchen okay so we had they had a kitchen behind the kitchen oh they did yeah two kitchens he had a entertainment system in the den yeah it was underneath the shelf it was just where you could just barely slide anything under there okay so it just squeezed underneath there there you go yeah like that like that well so it would be you have to lift that whole thing way bigger than that okay okay the one that we had it was like that like that like that but better okay okay a high level yeah and it was underneath like that okay like that so and you had to lift that as a kid to get to it it was like there was a space elevated enough off the floor where he could just squeeze him in and he would try to push him all the way to the back but this guy yeah you found it yeah yeah wow and you probably felt like you know excitement finding it too like my dad's gonna hide it and i'm gonna find it's like you know it's a little game you're playing with your dad when you find easter eggs but this yeah it's an easter egg yeah yeah wow that's amazing and what kind was it uh oh it was that's how i got into taboo get the corn table come on back b come on back cachava no i tell you what guy tell me guy i'll tell you i i drink the stuff it's so nutrient dense it's all the nutrition your body craves in one delicious simple shake and let me tell you 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i keep going back to these guys they sent us a bunch of stuff and i was like yeah let me try it on 100 european linen pants they have shirts are very breathable easy to throw on summer upgrade needs to happen in your clothing rotation and this is the best part bob said it yeah they started just 34 dollars oh my god their t's are soft enough to live in all day yeah and the lightweight cotton sweaters are exactly what you want when summer nights cool down it is so nice man and everything at quince by the way is uh priced 50 to 80 percent less that's what i was talking about similar brands they work directly with ethical factories cut out that middleman that nonsense middleman so you're paying exceptional quality not for the brand markup because that's where you get taken and it's not just clothing quince right now has become a trusted favorite for everything from home to travel to everyday essentials they sent over some travel stuff for me which was very nice thank you quince and now i've got all the clothes i need for my little trip plus all my little essentials for my on the go make your summer wardrobe easier go to quince.com bad friends for free shipping on your order and a 365 day returns wow it's not available upstairs in canada too that's quince q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash bad friends for free shipping and 365 day returns quince dot com slash bad friends you know it's it's better to be a dad now i think it's easier to hide when you're not getting laid as a kid that's what you do but also now once i started messing with the streets i was getting it usually seven-year-olds are not getting laid yeah well i mean there's a sex epidemic now with 20 year olds you know i mean there's a it's bad so they say no it's true who's polling that and who's saying yes or no i think it's college campuses where could they get that i mean like which colleges i mean there's polls and stuff people call i know i don't buy it show me a poll show me the poll that kids are having less sex than ever because i don't buy it who would say yes you'd lie you'd be like wait the kids are having less sex yeah they say they are now their youth risk behavior today's high schoolers are reporting lower rates of sexual activity than previous generations yeah because they locked in on the youth risk behavior survey 32 of high schools who's taking that imagine they go to your school like you guys want to take a survey about sexual activity everyone would be like nah that so the people that said yes are the nerds that aren't so they're like no i i think doc's right i think the dopamine hits right that normally kids would get are now exchanged with video games no i don't think it's dopamine i think the fear of the internet is what's real it's not the dopamine they're it's be we had dopamine hits i played duck hunt for a thousand hours a day real talk the problem is you they're afraid of the internet of like a girl being saying something about them like tommy martin's cock is sideways then passing it around to everyone in school right there's no commu there was no communication when we were kids it was word of mouth and half of that was not true you know like i remember this girl they they said that this older guy we were we were what uh sixth grade and they said an eighth grader uh she poured syrup on his wiener and licked it off and then in high school someone asked her she was like we've never even hung out me and that guy yeah but it was like people just made up because they're like yeah i heard the the my girl there's a girl that's in my class i forgot her name i feel so bad about that but there was a rumor that she took three bunnies and put in the microwave and they exploded in her microwave right and i remember at school i went bunny killer slightly different topic i know but i'm just saying about it's good though yeah this is real yeah this is what happened yeah yeah there was a rumor right and i called her bunny killer right and then the teacher came up to me and yelled at me it's like you have no proof you have no you know yeah these are just alleged you know allegations but it sounded real it sounded real and then if i saw her now i'd be like i know you didn't kill bunnies oh yeah by the way now she's doing it after all those years yeah maybe she was instead of putting them in the pot she threw them in the microwave what was a big rumor in your high school that got around a big rumor that like everyone was saying in high school i'll tell you what our high school did they tried to elect twin brother and sister prom king and prom queen that was like the meanest thing ever they did that happen yeah yeah i was never in the taboo yeah i was never even in the running were you in the running for prom yeah no yeah i wasn't even no even the the the funniest guy in my high school was a guy named matt ueda where is he at i don't know but and i remember when him getting the you know prom king oh No, he got, we had a funniest guy, like different like categories. Oh, oh, oh, oh, super. He got funniest guy, you know what I mean, in our class. And I remember in the yearbook, he had a front page, like a page, right? And I remember going, I'm so much funnier. What did you get? Nothing. I got nothing. He wasn't there enough. You probably were absent a lot. Yeah, I missed junior year. Yeah, rehab. Rehab. Yeah. So it's kind of like you can't get voted in if you're not really around. Okay. - All right. What'd you get, anything? - I didn't get shit. - Me either. - I was popular, but not like that. - Most likely to go to the NBA. Imagine he was taller than everybody at one point, and they were like, "Man, Doc is gonna go, man." He's gonna go to the league. - I actually beat the JV team. - See? - And I got kicked off. - That's insane. - Why, 'cause they kept growing? - Nah. - Get your little ass out. - They come back from the summer, they're like, "Damn, Doc." - Just on your look, you look like a bowler. - Uh, I do bowl. - Yeah, yeah. - He's nasty at bowling. - I got a ball, I got a- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You know he's nasty at bowling. - I bet you, do you roller skate or no? - Yeah, I do. - Yeah, yeah. I would love to go to roller skate with you. - Roller skate, basketball, football, some of the baseball. - Everything where stuff is close to the ground. - Yeah, that's what I love, roller skating. I go by myself. - Yeah, if I fall, it hurts way more. - What isn't close to the ground? Skydiving, what the fuck? - Well, you're not jumping a lot. - Yeah. - Basketball, that's too far for you. - It'd be crazy if I was a pole boater or something. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Do you have any alien updates or anything? - Oh, I'll tell you one. - Tell me. - Doesn't have to be alien. You could just- - Yeah, give me updates of your life. - What's going on in your real life? Are you still working? - No, I haven't worked in about two years. - Hell yeah. - So right now, I'm like, in between, I said, well, I might pick up another job, depending on if I have this other project that might go through. - Like a podcast? Like a podcast? - No, no, no, no, no. This is acting. But I'm working on my standup more. - Good. - Like I said, I've been going back and forth to New York. So I want to go to New York this month. - Good. - End of this month. And keep building the standup. I ain't really been doing too much of nothing. Just that and being with, hanging out with my cousin, trying to give him some time. - Do you collect unemployment? - No. - Why not? - I did when I first left Amazon. 'Cause you can't get it now. - But Amazon, don't they have an unemployment program for as long as you work there? Don't you get benefits when you leave? - Yeah, I got those already. - And you're done? - Yeah, I'm done. - How about this Wednesday, I do a belly room show. This Wednesday, it's New Joke Night. You want to do it? - In the comedy store? - In the belly room. - Upstairs. - Upstairs. Come do it. It's always packed. - You guys, yeah. - It's not him, it's my show. But I'll like, you know, Andrea Jin's on it. There's a bunch of people on it. - 'Cause you know, I hate going to the comedy. - I know you do. But go come upstairs and do the belly room. I'm doing brand new jokes. 15 minutes. - Best thing is you can sneak up the stairs and not see anybody. - Yeah. - I'm cool, I'm cool. - Come this Wednesday night, dude. I'll put you up. - All right. - Get some rounds in, you know. - Wait, what are you doing? When you wake up in the morning, you eat? - Give me the routine, the doc routine. - I wake up, I eat. - What time? - Check my email. - What time is it? - It's like seven, eight o'clock. - In the morning? - Yeah. - Wow. - Do that. Then I go walk the neighborhood around 11, 12 o'clock. - Doing what? Stalking? - Well, no, no. - Prepping. It's called prepping. - Oh, prepping. Roaming. - It's called admiring from a distance. - Cruising. - Oh, cruising. He's cruising. - Yeah, he's cruising. He's moving. - Okay, all right. So you're walking around the neighborhood. - So once you've found your victim, then it's- - No, so you're walking around the- - Walk around the neighborhood. Then I come home. And then I just chill at the crib. - Make lunch. - Yeah, and I might go do a mic or if I got a little small show to do or something like that, I do that. And I just talk on the phone to family and friends. I'm telling you, my life, my friends, they be like, "Man, your life is boring as hell. "Stop calling me." - Yeah. - Yeah, but it sounds very easy. - Easy and nice. - Man, 'cause I'm 52. So what more can you really do? I'm not a party Hollywood drunk like Bob. I'm just- - Sober almost five years. - Almost, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - That's good. - That's insane. - I'm so goddamn proud of you. I fucking am. - But I'm 55 as well. So we're getting older. Maybe you're just slowing down physically. - Yeah. Well, you know what I was gonna say though is you're the only person that ever drink and get fucked up and don't party. You never heard of this guy. Like, partying anywhere happened? - Who? - This guy. - I did it alone. - Alone? - Yeah. - He always liked it alone. - I'm gonna alone, private. - Or in his hotel room. - Yeah, I'm not one of those guys. I'm gonna go to the bar or, you know. - That's me. I love the bar. - Yeah. - You do? - I love a bar. - Yeah, he loves a bar. - Hold up, but how do you get drunk alone? Like, fucked up alone? Like, is it like a, what makes you just go, "Fuck it." Just me and I'm just gonna fuck it. - Because for me, it's like, it was always just hiding. Like, I knew what it was. It's me covering up feelings and not wanting to be here. And it's like, why would I do it in front of other people? You know? So doing drugs alone and drinking alone privately in my bedroom is my thing. - God damn, that's depressing. - It is depressing. You know, I remember when I was detoxing, I thought I was gonna die the last time. And I had, I was waiting for a room to open up at a place in Phoenix. But I, and I slept by the doorway of the hotel because if I had died, then they just, they can discover my body sooner. - What the fuck, dude? - You gotta be one of the most selfish motherfuckers. - Why, why? - I just want people to just walk in and see you fuck it. - No, I just thought that, I felt like I was gonna die. - Oh yeah? - Right? - Right in the, yeah. You're right, I felt like I needed medical or something. All right, forget it then. - I'm sorry. - It's just like one of the most vulnerable things that have happened to me in the last five years. - You think his death was like, was influenced by his need to be seen as a famous person? - Yeah. I want them to find me dramatically. - Like on the ground? - You know, you're the Asian Marilyn Monroe. - I don't feel well. - No, I was just, I took a pill. - Oh, you got a boa on. - All right, all right. Okay, yeah, I just would sleep by the door with a pillow. - How do you feel now? - I feel great. - You feel great? - Yeah, I feel great. But I don't like the way you mocked me. - I just. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never, I've told that story before. I've never had anyone laugh at it. - Oh, I'm sorry. - Yeah, yeah, that didn't seem like. - We gotta get Doc to go to AA meetings to just laugh at every story. - Yeah, it was just like my bottom. - It's so crazy. - It's so crazy to hear a famous person's bottom. It's like, what the fuck? - Yeah. - Yeah. - I wasn't in like a nice hotel. I was, it was okay. - Yeah. - Yeah, it was not, it was a nice hotel. - Very nice. - He's a poor kid in a third world country. He's like, I wish I could be at that hotel. - Yeah, I'm very lucky. I'm very lucky that I got to stay in a nice hotel waiting for a room to open up at a rehab. I'm very lucky. - Privileged bottom. - Yeah. - It's a privileged bottom, but for me, it was my bottom. - Yeah. - That's the name of his new special, privileged bottom. - Yeah, privileged bottom. - Watch it now on Hulu. When does your special come out? November? - Yeah. - November what? - I don't know. Yeah. - Oh. - For Hulu. - Congratulations. - Yeah, thank you. - For Hulu. - Long time. - Yeah. - Probably should have been pulling one out. - Dude, you know what? We're good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're pushing, but I like it. - You should have fucking did it. - Yeah. I did it already. - Okay, well. - He shot it already. - I shot it already. - Come on, you should have been done it. - Yeah, yeah, but I already did it. - Okay, well. - Yeah, yeah. I mean, I did it. - All the fans was looking for this. They've been looking for your shit. - Yeah, and it's coming out. Why are you angry all of a sudden? - I'm like, this guy, like he's like one of the guys that just won't give the people what they want. It's like, fuck you. They've been wanting this shit for a long time, Bobby. It's like. - Drop the special, motherfucker. Even I don't want it. I was like, why Bobby H.? - Yeah, but he wants to, he wants to make it a real special. - It's a special. - A special special. - Oh, this one is dear to your heart. - I didn't know. - Get it out, get it out. - I like it. - Get the frustrations out. - It's not frustrations, it's just. - Yeah, what is it? - In vino veritas. In wine there is truth. - Well, it's admiration, can I say? - Yeah, he admires you. - You admire me. - Yeah, it's a comic, you're a funny dude, bro. - Like Kevin Spacey in the movie "Seven". - But you know what I wanna do? - I admire you from afar, you hear me? Become Raph. - That's the wrong, remember? - That's what it sounds like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, what's coming up? - A little psychotic. - It's called "Finally". - You've already done what, three? - Five. - No, I've done, I've done three. - Three. - Yeah. - Yeah. - How did you feel about this one? - I don't know. I saw it a couple times, I go, I can't watch it again. You guys, I get, you know, I told the producers, just whatever, just cut this, my laugh out a lot. - Oh, yeah. - So, you're going to New York. - Well, so you're gonna go try to live in New York? - No, no, no, no, I'm just wanna just, I've just been going back and forth over the past year. - Where are you staying when you go to New York? - In the hotels. - Oh, you don't stay with like a friend or anything? - Nah. - There's two hotels or just one? - I do like three, four, about almost a month out there. Just one. - That's gotta be expensive. - Several hotels. - Expensive. - It is. - Why don't you just stay with a friend? There's gotta be comics that are out there. - Well, I got family, but the problem is is, I like to just be in, out, gone. Now, the last time I stayed with, you know, Lee Syatt that does the podcast with Joey Diaz? - He used to do Joey Diaz's show. - Yeah, yeah, they still do. They still do the podcast together. - Oh, oh, yeah. - I was staying with him the last time I was there. - In Jersey? - No, in New York. - Oh, he lives in the city. - Yeah, he just recently got married to-- - Slept on the couch? - Yeah. - Did he sleep like that? - Well, I could've slept in the bed. I had the whole apartment to myself, 'cause he has this-- - Why are you so defensive? I didn't know he had a spare bed. Maybe he could've. - Yeah, but I didn't sleep in his bed. It's weird, even though I could've slept in his bed. 'Cause you never know. I know he probably washed, but sleeping in another man's jizz is weird. - Yeah, well, yeah. I'm assuming a lot, but yeah. - No! He had a girlfriend. - You think he knew Inspector Gadget was coming to sleep over, so he left some clues for you? - He's like, "Water man over here." - Black Inspector Gadget. - Yeah. - The worst part. - Oh, look, that's you, Doc. - He has a gun. - Yeah, he's got a gun, some porn, some money. It's great. - Got the vino in one hand. - Yeah, the vino right there, yeah. He's got a gun in his hand. - Will he find his bitches? - Yeah. - That'd be a good look for you. - Yeah, totally. - Yeah. - Yeah. Where my bitches? Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. - Wow. - I'm out here inspecting, man. - Yeah. Could you become a detective, you think? - You know what? I recently just tried to apply for being a police dispatcher 'cause I just wanted to see if I can do it. I failed a whole motherfucker's test. I failed that shit so hard. - Wait, wait. - How's that hard? - No, you just answer it. - You answer the phone? Like, so when they bring you in, they give you all recordings, right? So it's all emergency calls. It's like, yeah, such and such. But it's like so much shit going on at once and you gotta try to memorize this shit. - All right, let's, I'm calling in. Hello? - Hey. - Fired, you're fired. - That's what I'm trying to tell you. - You're already fired, dude. - 911, what's your emergency? - Yeah, yeah, do that. Ready, go. - I'm trying to tell you. - 911, go ahead. - What, so-- - Usually you start 911 in an emergency. - Emergency. - My cat is stuck in her-- - No, I'm the guy. - Oh, you're the fucking-- - You're the guy. - I see why you failed this test. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, I'm the guy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're the-- - 911, how may I help you? - What's your emergency? - It's like the literal code. - Yeah, the little thing, yeah, yeah. - This is what I'm trying to tell you. - I know, this is not good. - I'm always-- - I came home, I came home, and my parents, they're not breathing. - Would you guys just relax? I'm always on the other side getting arrested. So I wouldn't know the fucking code. My parents are not alive. - Let me see the test. They put the test online? - Yeah. - What-- - No, they don't. It's like, if it is online, whoever put that up, they gonna get arrested. - What was the test like? - The test is all recordings. So it's like 911 calls. - So you listen to a recording. - And then you have to jot down the information that's happening. And you have to make sure you take the most crucial points. And then they do a multiple choice question. - And you failed those. - I failed. - Okay. Okay, here's some, right? So-- - But wait a minute. What I'm confused about is they're writing stuff down. Aren't they on a computer while they're on the call? You can hear them. They're typing their names, addresses. So why would you have to memorize it? - Because you gotta, when you're under pressure. - Right, you have to be able to retain the information. - Yeah, and you have to know what-- - Okay, ready? - Two points to take. - Yeah, you do one. - Here we go. Pick up the phone. - 911 is a joke in your town. They want to know your name. - Already fail. - My family's dead. - Okay. - I'll do it. 911, what's your emergency? - Hi, yeah, my son just broke into the house and he shot my brother and my mother-in-law and they stole my dog, three of our dogs. They stole Kibbles, Winey, and Poopsme, and he's wearing a black-- - Poopsme, what is that? I'm so sorry, Poopsme, what is that? - Poopsme was the name our four-year-old gave. Our four-year-old is in the house too. He's upstairs, he's trapped. - Gabe is your brother. - Please come back fast. Please come, bye. - Is Gabe your brother? - They're gone. - Oh, fuck. - I'm the cop, ready? - Yeah. - All right, emergency, what's going on? - Oh, a man called, you know what I mean? And the brother broke into the house, shot the brother, named Gabe, stuck in there. - Gabe? - Yeah, and there's animals. - How many? - A couple. - What are their names? - I don't know. I didn't know this was gonna be this kind of test. - That's what he had to do. - I didn't apply, I applied. - I didn't agree for this, is that my dream? Why is that your dream? - Don't yell at the cop. - Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, that's not my dream though. - I called the application, I didn't even think they were gonna call me. And they called, like, "Come on in." And I was like, "What the fuck?" - They need people. - They need people. - That's a tough gig. - That's a tough one. - You're listening to sad shit all day. - I can't do it, it's too traumatic. - You know what I do? I told him, "Be my eyes." I do "Be my eyes." You know "Be my eyes" is? It's great, look up "Be my eyes." My friend Hillary signed me up for it. It's an app where blind people call you and they say like, "Hey, can they show you?" They're FaceTiming you and they go, "Hey man, what am I looking at?" Like my last one was a guy working in his garage and he was like, "Hey, what part is this? Is this a, like, what size is this? What is this?" So I was telling him what the parts were they were in front of him that he needed. - That's not the same thing. - This is bullshit. - It's bullshit. - What do you mean? No, you help these people. - Is this a blind mechanic? - No, it's a man just fixing something in his garage. - Yeah, call IKEA. - Call IKEA? - Yeah, they'll bring over, they'll come and help you. - Yeah, it's not landing. This is a good thing. This is a very good thing. - So a blind person. - Yeah, you guys are- - Oh, it's a blind person. - You guys are dumb. - You didn't say blind person or anything. - Yes, I did. - You did? Okay, tell me again. - The first thing out of my fucking mouth. - Yeah. - Blind people. - I think they should call it something else. - Be my eyes? - Yeah. - It's pretty literal. - No, no, no. Eyes without a face. - Be my fucking eyes. - How about eyes without a face? - Eyes without a face. - No, it's great because blind people, if you don't know- - Yeah, they're blind. - It's not that most people that are blind can't see anything. That's like a common misnomer. It's not like you see blackness. That's actually super rare. So they see, but they can see distorted. So a woman called me and goes, "Hey, which bag of vegetables am I holding? I can't tell which one this is." - You can't chat GPT it? - Shout out to Nate and Hurt. - How is chat GPT gonna tell her what it is? - 'Cause you can take a foie gras. What kind of vegetable is this? - I don't know. Maybe she doesn't want to use chat GPT. They use be my eyes. - Okay. - So I be my eyes a lot. I like that, that I do. They call and it goes blah, blah, blah. Someone's calling and you go, "Hello." - They can't do be my ears. - No. - They can't do that, that wouldn't work. - No. - So that failed. - That failed. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what else are you trying for? - I got 49 out of 79, I was supposed to get 79. - You had 49 out of 79? The test was out of 79? - No, 79 was just a pass. I got 49 on it. - That doesn't sound good. - I left a whole, 'cause when the recording came on, I left the whole section. By the way, he goes, "I got 49 out of 79." And I'm like, "That doesn't make sense. You got 49 out of 100." - But I just tried to make it better. - Yeah, yeah. - Oh, you asshole. - I know. When he said 79, I go, "What a weird, what an innocuous number." 49 out of 100 is wild. They give you like 30 putting your name on it, huh? - Yeah, I think so. It was like, the recording was so fast. It's rapid. And they tell you, they say, "Hey, you're not gonna get everything, just jot down what you can." So it goes from slow and then it goes progressively like just to that goddamn top speed. - Were there people in there taking it with you at the same time? - Yeah, it was like 50 of them. - Did any of them pass you know? - Probably. - It's gotta be a few. - Other than 49. - If you're a fan. - That's how many people, how many people do you think auditioned with you? - I'm gonna be honest, like I didn't even want the job. - Auditioned. Did you meet the director? Please slate, please. - Yeah, interview, the interview. How many people interviewed at the same time you did? Took the test. - It wasn't, it was just about 50 people. - 50. - 50 and you think maybe two came out of that? - I would say one or two get it. - Yeah. - Yeah, it's gotta be someone that's really good at like retention and regurgitating. - What if 40% caught it? - The chick next to me was so fast. - 50%. - Maybe half. - Maybe half. I said, she just doing, she just writing shit down. There's no way. But if she was that fast, she passed. - Cheating, wow. - I said, this chick passed. - Maybe she did. - Yeah. - If you're a fan of ours and you do 911 operator, please, by the way, 911 operator is so funny, they're listening to our show instead of taking calls. - Yeah. - Please let us know down below. Reach out to Carlos on the booth at gmail.com. We wanna hear your story. I would love to hear, you know what I mean? I'd love to. - 100% that there's some 911 operator out there that's a fan of your show. - You know who I think our biggest contingency of fan is? - What? - By far. - Huh? - People who call 911? - No. - Okay. - Probably, but. - That's very good. - Yeah, that's very good. - Drivers. - I passed the typing test. - Drivers. - Oh, there's a typing test there. - Yeah, that's how I got to the next phase. - How many words per minute? - Oh, I think I typed 43 and you only had to do like 30 and fives. - That's good. Zinni, you thought, oh my God, I got this. - You gotta be able to type in bigbuttmilk.com quick. - Below 40 is not good. So you just got it. - You just got it. - 40 to 50 is average. 60 is good. And 80 is advanced. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I'm 20. I gotta be 20. - Can you type? - I voice text. - Yeah. - I don't even fucking time. - Like David Spade. Y'all didn't have typing? - We do a lot. - Yeah, like Spade. - Huh? - Like when we were in high school. - In high school. Oh yeah, so you should know how to type. - I don't know the numbers though. I don't remember what mine was 'cause I just did whatever they needed. - I think if I wanna know where the T and the H are, right? And I have my index fingers on those, I think I can do it. - Oh no, I can type like this. Yeah, you don't need. - Well, you know the home row keys though. - T-H-T. - Yeah, yeah. A-S-E-F-L, whatever the fuck. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I know. - No, he doesn't type. - Yeah. - He hunts and pecks. He does this. - A-U-A-N-T, I think he'd do it. - And then he goes, "Ah." - Fuck. Yeah. Delete, delete, delete, delete. - Yeah, the hunt and peck. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You guys know how to type? You know the home row keys? - Yeah. - Okay, what about you, Carlo? - I mean, I know how to type, yeah. Yeah, I can't like listen. the keys by permission. A-S-D-F-L. What is it? I see it, but I don't know. Here's a question for you guys. Would you do Neuralink in the future? Oh, yeah. 10 years from now? I don't even know what it is, but I'll do it. Chip implantation in your brain? Oh, fuck yeah. You? Sure. I'm doing all of it. I don't care. I don't have kids. Yeah. It takes me out. I'm not valuable. I'll be the first guy to do it. I'm not a valuable guy. I can get out of here and no one would. It's fine. Yeah, put it in my head. 10 years from now, way more. What are the risks thing? Isn't that funny? Everyone in this room is childless except for you. You would never do it. I wouldn't do this. See what I mean? And Carlos, would you do it? No, too early. For 10 years? 10 years is going to be so advanced. In 10 years? It doesn't even seem. I don't know. That doesn't seem like a long time. Think about how far we've gone in 10 years from now. Yeah. Think about 10 years ago and how far we've gone from then to now. And then it's exponentially getting faster every year. We can't even predict. 10 years could be insane. I think in 10 years. Also, remember that AI is also a big contributor to the technology advancement of Neuralink. I see. So now, would you do it? Probably not still on it. Wow. What's the hesitation, I wonder? I already got something on my head surgically put. Oh, you don't want to fuck up your hair. Yeah. We're going to have to go through that. And they do Neuralink now for people with hair transplants. They have different. He got his hair done. Ain't shit there. You really got something done? It's working. When did you get it done? Come here and show him up close. He can tell up close. Two months ago. It just started. Oh, two months ago. It takes a long time, but he gets there. Let me see what you got there. It's going, dude. Look. Look at how much better that looks. Well, I would face him forward. Yeah, there you go. Look at that. Look at how much is there. Okay. Yeah, I touch it, but. This is the weirdest. Yeah, it's. I've never touched it. You want to touch it? Yeah, I can touch it. He gave you consent. Who's going to tell him, fellas? I. Who's going to tell him what? Yeah, it's like cheap hair. It's only two months. Yeah. Go get your money back. Money back, Carlos. It was free. It was free? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's what you get when it's free. Do you feel the confidence coming back, or how do you feel? No, I forget about it all the time. It'll be a couple months. He was confident when he was bald. It didn't matter. It doesn't matter. That's what I like about that. It never mattered to him. Fuck. Ever. Would you get it done? Plugs? Yeah. Nah, I'm going to go on ahead and just. Yeah. But you shave your head anyway. Yeah. I mean, I don't shave it, but. I'm saying you. What do you call it? You have a nice hair. You cut it short. Yeah, I cut it today. Yeah. So my shit is like. Wait, who cut your hair? Me. You cut your own? Yeah. I used to be a barber. I didn't tell you? I know, but. God damn! I got surprises for you motherfuckers. He was everything. Baker, barber, anything. Candlestick maker? Wasn't it. Isn't it hard for you to line yourself up, though? Isn't that what they say? No? No, not as. My eyesight isn't as. Because I got to tell you, one side is higher than the other. Yeah, but my hair don't grow, like, straight. Everybody's. I know, I know, I know, I know, but. Yeah, it's a little crooked that I can see from here. But that's okay, though. It look good, though. That's what I'm talking about. So you line your shit up in the mirror? Yeah. Wow. Wow. Beard, everything. Do you have a. Do you have, like, a template to line up? Do you put on your head? You've seen this when people put the. You know what I'm talking about? Put the bowl on it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you just. Not a bowl, but you know what I mean? They have, like. They have guards and guides now, so you can line up yourself. You've never seen this? They're amateurs. Oh, okay. Rookies. I'm a seasoned vet here. Okay. Well, you got the. It looks good. I never noticed. The Leaning Tower of Peace up there. This might not be as blended like I used to blend it, but. You're doing it wrong. They do say it's hard to do on your own because it's in the mirror. That's got to be tough. Look at that fade for beginners. Well, if you take a three shaver, like, you know what I mean? Whatever the. Three? Level three? I don't know what that means. Oh, you mean the clip number? The clip number. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you just do it. Why would that not work? No, no. He has to line up the line, the hairline. I'm using ones and no guards. I'm deep in a trench. We're talking. Not the whole head. We're talking about lining up his hairline. Yeah, right here. Okay. Right here. Black guys get their edges. You edge your hairline. Oh, I wouldn't edge it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're an edger. You get your shit edged, too. Look at your beard. Yeah, we edge, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I have a barber. Because I have, you know, because I have a little bit of flavor, Doc. Not by that bald spot in the middle and the back, but not yet. Wow, he's strong. Wow, you're strong. A lot of shade. You give this guy a bottle of Josh, and he's. You're a hater. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Y'all be hating on me? Oh, y'all. Y'all bald be hating on me. I know. We love you. I'm not hating on you. I'm today's. You know what I did today? What'd you do? Did you get. I go, we need Doc today. Oh, I didn't expect that. Yeah, yeah. You didn't? I did. Okay. Because I just. Today, I was doing other podcasts. I was brain fried. How do y'all do that? Like, do y'all. It's so hard. bounce in the park? I don't like it. Yeah, it's hard. I barely like doing this shit. Thank you, bro. Yeah, thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. It's like. Like, when you get the call, do you go, fuck? No, yeah. Sometimes. But I'll tell you why. You two are very gifted. You know, I don't think you guys really. Well, maybe you do know, because that's why you're rich. But let me tell you something. Let me tell you. You two go do the way that you do voices and accents and shit. Like, even when I came on here, I was like, I don't. Hey, how you doing? I'm Jimmy Small Eyes. Stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck that was? Is that the gift you're speaking of? But it was just. But even in the character work that you two do, it's funny, it's believable, and it just crosses over. It can be. It can be. Sometimes it's a struggle. I think it's our little play place. This is where we get to, like, fucking goof. It's like our little goof. It's a goof area. It's a goof room. It's a playground. I see the same two dudes on stage, though, because I grew up with you guys. Yeah, no, I know what you mean. We are, yes, we get. Came up with you guys, right? Yeah. No, you're right. Well, because. What? No, I don't know. Yeah. I mean, we're polar opposites in many ways. Very, a lot. Yeah. Yes, of course. He's more alpha. Except our comedic dials seem to be on this. It's like. What's that thing? Duncan Trussell loves it. You know the thing that's like. Duncan Trussell. Shout out to DT. I love that dude. You know, he has that, like, it's like electric. It's like electric waves between your hands and it, like. Do you know what I'm talking about? Of course. I don't know the name of it. Xalaphone. Xalamone. Xalamone. I don't know what it's called. But, I mean, like, you can have these different sounds and they're so different, but somehow they, like, blend well. That's like him and I. We're, like, two different. Frequencies. We're two different frequencies, but for. Right? Xalaphone, right? Or no? No, no, no. It's like with the hand. It's like with your hands and. Yeah, what do you call that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you call that? Let me. Isn't that wild as fuck? Yeah. His right hand, though. Look at his back. I know. You're doing that with Taboo. I know. No, be nice, guys. He has Parkinson's. That's. That has nothing to do with the music. Oh, God. You didn't. Yeah. It's beautiful, is it not? You've heard that in music. A theremin? You're using two electrical. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah. There is no strings. It's all because of electric. So, it's the currency from his hand to the. Yeah, it's the current. You're interrupting the current. Oh, okay. You're doing a no-pop this. No, I've never even seen a no-pop like this. Yeah. Have you heard of a didgeridoo? What year was this even started? Well, what year was the theremin invented? Probably in the 60s, 50s, 60s. I don't even know. It's a cool instrument. Go. Because he's doing the fucking theme song from. When is it from? 1920. Good God. 1920, dude. From fucking. That was somewhere over the rainbow. Somewhere over the rainbow, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Taboo! Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were in that movie, Wizard of Oz. Yeah. Was I? Was I? Lollipop kid. You weren't Toto? Yeah, I was Toto. Yeah, I was Toto. Little black bastard. Yeah. At least he wasn't talking about the flying monkeys, because then I would be. I would. Brother, I'm not going to go there. Yeah, no, no, no. I'd be the Scarecrow, I think. You can go there, because you know what. Because you have no heart? That's a tin man. No, no, I have a. Scarecrow has no soul? No brains. No brains. No brains. Yeah, I'm definitely the Scarecrow. You're the no brains. Yeah. What am I then? I'm probably. Not the cowardly lion. Oh, I'm the man behind the curtain. I'm the wizard. Yeah, you're the wizard. Yeah. And you're Toto. That would be me. Yeah. I would be the guy behind the curtain. No, no, no. No, because of my voice. Because remember, he had that powerful ass voice. Let me hear it. He would open the curtain, and then he's like, little bitch, you know? Yeah, the Wiz was a black wizard of Oz, no? Yeah. That's the Wiz. Yeah. That's the Wiz. The Asian one wouldn't work because of the yellow brick road. We'd just disappear. Well, Toto would only have been for one scene, that's for sure. Yeah. He is a. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. The Tin Man, it would say, made in China. It would break. It would break down. He breaks right away. Right away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's heard. Yeah. And then scene. And scene, yeah. The movie would be five minutes long. Yeah. In the Wiz. The Wiz. The Yellow Brick Road. It was Martin Luther King Boulevard that the Yellow Brick Road. All right, we got to go. Yeah. Doc, look into the camera. Sign off for us. I love you. Hey, love y'all. Thank y'all for checking out Bad Friends. We'll see y'all soon. No, that's not what it is. Thank you for bringing up Bad Friends. Oh, all right. I always fuck it up. Yeah, you got it. All right. Thank y'all for being a bad friend. I love you. I love y'all. I love y'all. Endless summer escapes start here. Travel the worlds of Netflix IRL. Inspired by fan favorites like Stranger Things and Squid Game. Brave the upside down. Face off with the front man. Play leveled up arcade games. Shop exclusive merch and enjoy themed food and drinks. Beat the heat. Play, eat, and shop on repeat at Netflix House at Galleria Dallas. Bring your crew and save. Get your tickets today at netflix.com/house. ♪ I'll be right ♪ - Okay.