Prioritize Intentionally Spending Time with Your Kids

There's absolutely no substitute for time with your kids. You know, if you're a parent listening to this and you're like, "You know what, I just got to get this deal done. I just got to get this business off the ground. I just got to get this promotion. I just got to get whatever. And then I'll have more time for the kids. You're doing it completely backwards." ♪ Smart money parenting ♪ All right, everybody. Welcome back to my back yard for another episode of Smart Money Parenting. Thank you guys for watching, listening, viewing, and subscribing. I am Scott. This is Chad, my good buddy. And we are in my back yard because Chad's on the trip hanging out and we thought we'd go around the campfire and talk about some important dad topics. It's 10 o'clock at night on a Wednesday. The Wednesday night? I think so. It is Wednesday. And we're having a fireside chat on the, you know, on the Smart Money Parenting Show. And we're talking about topics that matter to you as parents, and matter to us, you know, Scott's about to have his fourth child in the next few days. Six days away, man. Six days. And I'm a parent of five kids. So between us, we're going to have nine kids. Right. It's different with different wives. That's right. That's right. But one thing we were talking about, you know, we, everyone thinks we plan these things out months and advance. You know what we do? We live our lives. We raise awesome kids. We run our businesses. And then we talk every week. And we're like, you know what? What's the most important thing to us right now that we can bring to you? And this one sticks out like a sore thumb. And the idea of this episode is, how do you maintain that life long, deep loving relationship with your kids? You know, when your kids turn 12, all of a sudden puberty comes like a wildfire. And they have social pressures. They have clicks. They have high school. They have trying to find their own identity to figure out who they are, figure out who they are and kids often tend to, they don't rebel necessarily, but they want to try to have that independence. Like I'm trying to find who I am, mom and dad. They look for, you know, they're trying to find other people, other friends, other mentors. They're trying to just figure it out. But then if you do it right, by the time they're an adult, 18, 20, 22, you want them to come back. You want them to be a lifelong friend. You want to move from parent to friend and guide and coach. You know, like mentor coach, loving parent who's, because you're always going to be there for your kids. But they're going to be more independent. But you want like, especially in a difficult moment or big decisions. You really obviously want your kids to feel comfortable coming back and asking for your advice. You want to be the one they call. Yeah, you want to be the one they call. When things are good and when things are bad. Right. And I'll say this. Mark Tim, one of our close friends. Yeah. He wrote, men turned a millions with Kevin Harrington. He's an incredible man. He told me this story one time. And he basically said, looks got when your kids are ages 0 to 12, you have this unbelievable period to cultivate them, to give them the values, to instill in them the competencies, the things that matter most. And then they reach their, they want to reach their hand up to grab yours. And then around 12, they do let go of that hand. And you want them to let go of that hand to find themselves, to find their identity, to find their own sense of self. But then the hope is, if you did it right in those early years and the formative years, by the time they're 18, 20, they're going to reach back out for your hands. Sure. In a stronger, more mature way. And that is what every parent's dream is. And I've got three teenagers right now. I've got five kids, like I said, my oldest is 18. My son is almost going to be 16 in a couple of weeks and then I have a 13 year old. And it's true. Like they're making a lot of their own decisions when it comes to friends and sports and activities and what they like, what they don't like. Yep, they're figuring it out. I love it when they want to actually open up and talk and have these great conversations. I feel like bonding for me, because they all play sports. When we're driving or flying to their sporting events, it's like their guard comes down and they just open up. They've got time with no school or no distractions and we're just commuting or traveling to an event. And they really open up. And I find myself, I just have to listen. Like I ask good questions and then I shut up. Like says, if they're talking, I'm not going to stop that freight train. I want them to keep talking and keep talking and build that trust so that when they do have those situations when they're older, they're willing to come back and say, "Hey, Dad, I'm making this decision. I got a question for you." You know, like that's really what we want. Like you said. Yeah, that's it. And I feel like if we can nail it from the zero to 12 years, then that 12 to 18 year time period, there's a lot more confidence that we can have in our kids to be learning the right things and making the right decisions. And there's this book that we were given by Chad Johnson. It's, "When Your Child Is 6-12" by John Dresher and I have beat this book up. It is phenomenal. Middle childhood is the last good chance to hold your child close. Wow. And it's an incredible book. And it talks basically about modeling to your kids in those early years, being there with them. You know, there's no substitute for time. You know, if you're a parent listening to this and you're like, "You know what? I just got to get this deal done. You're doing it completely backwards." Can I share a story? You just maybe think of it. So there's a client that we got recently referred to. He's, he's very successful business owner. Personally, he's got over $20 something million that he's investing with us at Pacific Capital and he has two kids who are now in their 20s. And he says, "With deep regret, I missed everything that really mattered." He literally said, "I've never been on a vacation with my kids without being on my email or on the phone the entire time." And he said, "It makes me sick." And he goes, "Now, I just want to repair and rebuild that relationship. He's divorced. He's, you know, he's had multiple marriages. He prioritized his business and money above his kids. And now they're in their 20s and they're like starting over, trying to repair this relationship. And he said, "I want to take my son camping and I want to do all this stuff. And I'm encouraging to do that and trying to frame up more to take those opportunities. But it's kind of ingrained in his DNA to just be all business all the time. Everything else can wait." And it just made me kind of sad to be honest, listening to how he felt about his kids childhood and how much he missed. - Yep. - And it just was a reminder to me like every moment matters, you know. - Look, and no parents perfect. - No, none of us are perfect. - As you're saying it, I'm like, "Yeah, that last trip, I definitely took a few calls. I probably didn't need to." - Yeah. - We've all done it. - And that's-- - And that's-- - This is a reminder to get better. - It's a great reminder. And I feel like we all need to be remembering that, you know, 93% of all the time you get with your kids is from 0 to 18 in the house. - Interesting. - After they graduate and they're off to college and they're off to their life or they're off to the career, you get 7% of the time remaining. - Wow. - And so take it, don't take it for granted. Don't see it as a burden. You know, take the struggles as a healthy struggle that's an opportunity to create value for your kids. And you're not-- No one ever on their death bed ever says, "You know, I wish I could have worked more." Everybody's like, "Man, I wish I would have been more time with my kids, more time with-- - More present. - More present with my spouse, more time with the people I love most. And that's really all the matters at the end of the day. And, you know, if you're listening to this and you've got just a busy life, which I think is, if you could round up, it's 100% of everybody listening. - Everyone's busy. - Everyone's busy. - Everyone's busy. And it comes down to priorities. You know, we have to say, "I'm gonna stop working now at this time. I'm gonna not do this on the weekends. I'm gonna show up for my kids here. I'm even though if I'm tired. - Yeah. - Even if I'm exhausted, even if I'm, you know, not feeling the best, even if there's all these stresses under the surface that my kids are my spouse, they would never even realize what I'm going through. You've got to put it away. And you've got to be there for your kids. I think that's what strong leadership is. You know, the book talks so much about more is caught than taught. You know, everybody wants to say, "You know what, I had that good conversation with my kid." No, more is caught than taught. They will watch how you live. They will see your example. And that's gonna dictate so much of their life. If you're an angry person, they'll see it. If you're a stressed out person, they'll see it. If you're always exhausted around them, they're gonna see it. - Yeah. - You prioritize other things over them. They're gonna see it. Now, I do prioritize my wife over them. - For sure. - And I want them to see it. - Oh, that's the first relationship that matters. - Right. It's a family, yeah. - God, wife, kids, health, and then business. - Sure. - If you do that in the right order, your kids are gonna see the right modeling. They need to understand that. But they know I'm always there. I'm always with them. I'm always present. I always care and love them. I wanted to see me work hard. - Right. - I want them to see, like-- - Yeah, they need to see you work hard. - They have to see that. But you know what? I have had to say so many times. Like, I'm prioritizing them over this. - Let me share an example. Last night was my daughter's Southern California Regional Championship basketball game. I got invited to a special conference with only 100 wealth management firm owners in the country to be with literally that you're going to be. the CEO of Charles Schwab Corporation, the CFO, the CEO of like the top 20 leadership people. And last night was a special welcome event dinner where we're supposed to like have these one-on-one introductions to start this little conference. And I sent them all an email and I said, as much anticipation and excitement as I have to come to this conference that I'm feeling honored, I'm going to come, but I'm going to miss that special dinner event 'cause it was like a sign seating and everything. And I just said, I don't, I literally showed my dad the text, I said, I do not miss anything that's important to my kids. And so my daughter's playing in a huge championship basketball game and I'll see you guys tomorrow. - There you go. - You know, it's like, there's no way I would be ripped inside if I did not show up for the big moments of my kids life and put some business meeting over that. - And you know what, the people who matter, don't mind and the people who mind, don't matter. - That's a good point. You just, you earned the business and the respect of everybody in that room that mattered. - Right. - And it has the right values, in my opinion. - Yeah. And for those of you listening and saying, you know, what does this have to do with smart money? I could add a little lesson to this and just say, your kids are gonna have financial questions in the future, whether it's debt-related, investment-related, career-related, what job they should take, what college they should go to, how much they should spend on something. They're gonna have those big money questions and who do you want them turning to? Or are they gonna turn to just TikTok or Instagram or Google or-- - They're friends. - They're friends. - Yeah. - They're college. - No. - So as you get's, or have you built that relationship up to where they're gonna call you and say, I've got these two job opportunities I'm thinking about or I'm thinking about making this investment, mom or dad, like, what do you think about it? Is this a good idea? Is this risky? That's the kind of relationship we're talking about. So that any big decision in the future, they're comfortable coming back and talking to you. And that work has to be put in now. It's like investing. If you invest early, the dividends will come later. And so if you invest in your relationship with your kids at a very young age, it's gonna pay dividends for life. And but you have to take that time and invest early. That's why we're talking about, you know, gravy stack is for kids currently who are eight to 18. And a lot of people don't talk to their kids about money until they're much older than that. You know, they're getting into college. But if you're talking to your eight year old or even younger about money decisions and you're building a relationship 'cause you're a present parent, then that foundation is already built when the crisis or the big decision comes in the future. - Yeah, I, we just finished this audio recording by a creation kid. And there's a section in the book that talks about parenting style. You know, you've got one camp that telecopter parents, they do everything for their kids. Their kids don't really learn to like take ownership and like the personal responsibility. You've got the other side that's like, laissez faire, free range parents, like let them go wild for themselves. - Right. - You know, we said, look, we're not gonna take a side. We're probably somewhere in the middle. - Sure. - And, but if you teach a kid early and you're teaching them to create value and you're modeling it for them day in and day out and bringing them into your discussions and bringing them into your decisions and bringing them to the bank, bringing them to the grocery store, bring them to the financial planner meeting, bring them to mentors of yours to learn with you. - That's good. - Then you've modeled it right. So we're like, okay, forget all the other parenting. How about be a present parent? - Sure. - That's the, that's the parenting style. - Be there. - Be there. - Be there. - Just show up. - Just be there. - Show up and love them and bring them into conversations. Ask them questions, even if you don't know the answer, bring them into conversations in your life. That's what invites relationship and trust from kids. Long term, not in the short term. And so it's important for us as parents to remember, like we just got to be showing up. We got to be there and be present. We have to model for our kids the things that we want as early as we can. You know, the secret to gravy stack success is not, we know all the perfect money management skills. The secret of gravy stack is we're setting up parents to be heroes. We're giving them dinner conversation starter tips. We're giving them like conversations with their kids to have an early age, to model for them, and to be able to build a relationship that's strong and deep and long lasting. That's the secret sauce. And so people think, you know, gravy stack, oh my gosh, you guys have the game in the banking and it's perfectly set up to automate like this incredible roadmap. Yeah, it's awesome. You know, it's really just a tool to help parents connect with their kids. That's what we want you to do. That's how you become a successful parent. You don't have to do it all right. In fact, you're probably gonna screw up 100 times, thousands of times. But if you're present and you connect with your kids and you make that the priority, then long term, they're gonna reach their hand right back out to you. And that's what we all want at the end of the day. We first want to have kids launched into the world to be self-sustaining, productive, loving, successful humans. But we also want to maintain a strong deep connection with them. Of course, right? You don't want them just moving off somewhere else, marrying some random person, and then disappearing forever. And disappearing forever. That's not your parent 'til the day you die. Oh, family bonds, that's literally the foundation of society is having strong families. So that's what we're talking about is just building those connections and relationships with your kids. So you have that base and that trust that when there are big decisions and questions and moments of crises and doubt, especially when there's doubts, 'cause there's a lot going on in the world. I think whether you're an adult or a teenager or a college student, there's a lot of scary things out there. There's a lot of things in the economy or politics or wars and all kinds of things happening where there's fear and there's doubt and there's uncertainty. And so we're really encouraging you to build these connections with your kids no matter how old they are. I feel led to say this right now. You might sound a little weird. If you're a parent listening to this, I want you to be the leader in your family, not just with your kids, but with the rest of your family. If your parents didn't model it right to you, they don't call you, you don't have a relationship. The leader in any relationship is the initiator. So if you've got a distant relationship with a sibling, cousin, an aunt, uncle, a parent, a grandparent, whatever it would be, and you're an adult with kids, it's a good thing to have those people in your life even if they don't know how to connect with you. Maybe they didn't model it well, maybe they don't call you very much, maybe you're frustrated that they don't. Be the initiator. - Take initiative. - Be the leader in the relationship, reach out to them, tell them you love them and you care for them and you wanna have more in your life. That is an amazing parent. Because you're not just a parent, you're a kid too. You're a kid of somebody else. So if you have a strange relationship in any way with your parent or another relative, the leader in the group is the first one to apologize and the first one to initiate. So I'll just leave that out there 'cause I just felt like a lot of people needed to hear that. - It's a good insight. So I share the story of my birth. All right. - I'll set it up. You and I come from, we're sitting here today because you and I come from incredible families, which I'm from incredible legacies. Your family trained you on what it meant to be a willister. My family trained me on what it meant to be a donal. There's a legacy and a bond that creates that. So yeah, now you gotta share the story. - Share the story. So my parents were actually, they're both from Orange County, California. My dad grew up in Long Beach and they didn't know each other in high school but they lived literally like 15 minutes away from each other, beach goers, which is why I'm a beach lover myself. And they both went up to school at a state at BYU in Utah. And right before they met and got married about maybe a year or two before they were graduating college and moving back down to Orange County. And so my mom was pregnant with me. I was there first and I was due to be born late February. And my mom got extremely sick and went to the hospital in January. And the doctor said, this is basically said, this is a big emergency, this is a big problem. And they told my dad that they were gonna have to perform an emergency surgery that day. And there was no opportunity to wait or to put it off and that most likely both of us would not survive. One of us would survive. And obviously from my dad, this was extremely stressful. He's a college student. I mean, he was 25 years old, 24 or 25 years old. And they're having their first kid. He's out of state, he's away from his family. All his family's in Southern California. And his dad, so my grandpa, my paternal grandfather was Dr. Willardson. He was an OB-GYN in Southern California Beverly Hills. And my dad in the heat of the moment said, I gotta call my dad first before we go through with the surgery. And the doctors were pressuring. They're like, we don't have time. Your wife is extremely ill. There's lots of problems. This could go really bad if we don't do something now. And he just, my dad insisted, I have to talk to my dad first and make sure he agrees with the surgery. And so he calls his dad, finally gets a hold of him and my grandpa and said, says, here's a situation, what do I do? And of course, my grandpa would have been up there, but he wasn't expecting me to be born for another month or so. - Right, creamy. - Yeah. - He was five pounds even or something. - Five pounds, one ounce. So my grandpa gives him advice and says, tell the doctor to try this and this, which was kind of like non-traditional stuff in the surgery. And he told my dad told the doctors this, and they were still like, this is very risky, but basically my dad insisted that they follow my grandpa's advice. So obviously I'm here, so I was born, but I was born and taken directly to the NICU, and I was literally five pounds one ounce, my dad said he could hold me and the poem of his hand, praise, like, obviously not like a tennis ball, but maybe like a grapefruit, something not big at all. - Yeah. - Right? - I was not well, I was frail, I was sick, my mom was sick, and the doctor literally looked at me in his little poem and said to my dad, and this is my dad's journal, he said, this kid's gonna do some big special things someday, and I got a feeling he's actually gonna be six foot five. And my dad just laughed, he said, I literally laughed out loud. Like, what are you talking about? Like, this kid is obviously like, he's too small, he's frail, he's gonna have health issues, probably his whole life, and he wrote in his journal, basically he thought it was nice that the doctor was trying to comfort him and just give him some hope for this situation. And for the record, I am exactly six foot five. - Unbelievable. - And I'm still trying to accomplish great big things. That's probably in my future. I'm working on stuff, but yeah, right. - I am. - You've already done so, man. - I've done a couple things I'm grateful for, but the crazy thing is your dad's connection with family saved your life. - Yeah, he owned it. - And the story is my grandfather passed away the next year, which is pretty incredible at a young age. He was obviously under a lot of stress as an OB back in the day. He used to work 18 to 20 hours a day. He was just a total giver. I've been told I have a lot of the same exact traits, personalities, traits, interests, and everything is my grandpa. - Wow. - He was a basketball player. He was in the stock market and investing. He was just really a man of the people. He loved helping people and like, you know, died a year later. But he, my dad's connection to my grandpa saved my life, got me safely born, saves my mom's situation, and then he passed away. So I never knew him, you know, I just have stories of him. - Wow, man. But it's pretty cool that that relationship existed that when my dad had a crisis, he immediately said, I'm going to my father to the third vice. And that's exactly what we're talking about today is, and how do you build that connection and that relationship of trust with your children so that in the big moment decisions, they, you're the first person they come to. - That's it. That's it. There you go. - So thanks for letting me share that story a little personal, but I like it was appropriate. - Thanks for sharing that. And that's really the heart of this episode. I think we're done talking in my backyard. We're going to hang out here and chill by the fire. Thanks everybody for listening to us. If you want to leave us a message, ask us a question, go to smartmoneyparenting.com, or follow us, listen, subscribe, and share this with a friend who you don't need to hear it. And we hope you guys build great relationships with not just your kids, but your parents and your siblings and the people that are close to your life. If you need to make it called tonight, or right now make a text, do it. Don't stop, don't delay, don't wait, just do it. There you go. - Thank you guys. - Thanks for listening. Appreciate it. - Take care. [BLANK_AUDIO]