Pretty Little Episode #97

this is a head gum podcast pretty little episode welcome to the prettiest littlest episode with your prettiest little host i'm may martin and i'm fortune peep sir this is the handsome pods pretty little episode yes it is how are you yeah i am coming back down to life i have been in europe for the last couple weeks we'll probably talk about it when all the details when we all are together again but it was really fun are you jet lag i'm so tired it's so crazy what it does to your body it makes you feel like you're on on the moon yeah i was like i don't know that i could have done any more city i did six countries um seven shows and i'm i don't think i could have done any more than that i could not get on a sleep schedule yeah yeah it messed me up it was a you know because from la it's a nine hour time difference and we're in scandinavian countries and eight in london i believe and i every night i was like i'm gonna go to bed i'm gonna get my eight hours and every night i stared into space yeah and i averaged like five hours a night i was so tired god i want it but i can't wait to hear all about it yeah it was fun the shows were good i definitely have some fun stories for y'all about my mom oh great great yeah the shows were awesome a lot of handsome listeners uh in every audience hell yeah there are um and so that was really cool any like i said something about a ghost at one point and a bunch of people were like yeah ghost yeah and then yeah a lot of people just uh in in the airport in dublin someone yelled keep it handsome and oh really yeah really cool did they yell it like keep it handsome keep it handsome keep it handsome oh what's up you keep it handsome i love ireland so yeah it was fun to like go to other countries and you know you've experienced this having lived in in london and just being like man that's crazy that your comedy goes all these places i know and also with england i'm always surprised like i'm i get culture shock and i'm like oh yeah i forgot it's a totally different culture like yeah everything is slightly different which i which i like well it's funny like london was my biggest of the shows and the quietest of the audiences really uh-huh like they yeah they were into it but i they they were it seemed like they were into it very polite listening but just like kind of like we're we're here for the ride like yeah it was funny but then like dublin was like as expected so rowdy yeah they're like come to the pub with us after oh i love that yeah but i would boring i didn't do any of that stuff oh yeah well you were with jenge true um i my only news is that well my big news is like i cut my i cut a lot of my hair off late at night you can't really tell but it is significantly shorter so it's making you do this a lot right now oh yeah always that's your favorite thing to do that you know when i was filming wayward tony collette said fucking stop touching your hair and in a nice way and but pretty much like that she's sassy she's sassy and i was like i actually don't think i can't stop touching it like it's uh it's definitely an ocd thing maybe maybe maybe i do that with my um fingers i have a i have a touch of ocd and it's not in the way that's like you know repetitive but i i think this is called um what is like a stem stemming yeah yeah i have this situation and i can't i'm always doing this with my nails and then if i have mine come to me and i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm out in like weird details like say like i'm getting a tv hung on the wall yeah if it is even like an inch too high or short i can't not fix the eight on it really and i will stare at it and wish it to be different yeah and like i'll take pictures i'll send it to people do you think oh my god we're talking like an inch here maybe in half an inch sometimes i gotta get you over to my house because it will be your hell because it is higgledy-piggledy because i just i hang like look at this does this stress you out so i just picked with those random oh yeah that stresses me out that's not right how bad is that look at that there it has to be the ones the bottom one stays and the other one centers with that one and go up probably like a gap yeah it's weird that they're touching they don't need to be touching i just pick random spots and i'm i'm like and then other things i could care less about i don't notice it's like whatever but it's certain things where i'm just like that is like a half an inch too short it's too tall and what about your clothes do you fold your clothes no i don't give a shit about clothes or any of that stuff it's more like and i know like in theory i could pay the guys to come back and move it down an inch or up an inch but i'm more just like why didn't i just figure that out to begin with yeah so you just don't know until it's up there just sit and hate it for months i sit and hate it yeah and i will stare at it yeah for months being like oh just if it was an inch lower i bought a an outdoor hammock uh like you don't need trees for it it's got like the metal thing yeah yeah and um yesterday i did not leave my house i didn't venture out past my front gate i was so i was lying in the sun on the hammock and i oh that sounds nice yeah i just was like oh my god i'm not even gonna shower till like 1 p.m i just lay around it was so nice yeah i got a couple weeks here now uh oh that's good i know i think i'm i've got to go out of town again for shows in the states but then i'll be back after each one both weeks and i'm pretty pumped oh that's good dude yeah there's so much happening at my house it's coming along swimmingly what's this black thing behind you uh oh this is a new um like just a table table and eventually i'm gonna put things on it yeah and then i'm gonna put things on the wall they had put this as if i was gonna hang this i'm not it's just one show that was sold out oh that's so cute the venue gave you a poster that said like i can't put up one random theater that was sold out on my wall like that's just too random that is too random use the frame or paint i was about to say the frame is good i might use the frame yeah yeah paint over the frame the thing inside it but i'm i'm fixing my tits out hot tub oh i thought you're gonna say i'm fixing my tits and i was like no these are just gonna be saggy forever um tits out hot tub is being fixed so it will no longer be tits out how you're building up the sides or digging it down i'm paying for them to go in and re i'm paying them for them to re um re bench re benched yeah yeah yeah because the bench is too hot i'm doing two of the benches five inches higher five to six inches higher so the water is actually going to come up to like here which is just chin out chin out i'm pretty pumped about which not everyone's not everyone wants it that high but i do but then another bench is only gonna be about three inches higher so it will be it will land just above the teats i'm like shorter people if i had it up to me i would be up to here in the water i want to feel like i'm a matzo ball and a soup yes i want to be engulfed if i'm going to be in a hot tub let's face it and and you don't want it too high because the bubbles but if it's here it's great your whole body's getting you know i know the experience we need to be back in the womb let's be honest that's what we want and that's kind of what i want it's but then they were like you should have one bench not as deep because of the short people and i was like that's true i don't know what short people will be in here tag might be but yeah she'll have one bench i don't know what short people will be in here i don't know what short people will be in available to her okay so yeah anyway well should we get to our questions yeah i'm curious maybe there'll be some european listeners this is michelle fortune by the way i'm also a tits out hot tub girl so my question in my line of work i provide briefings to large groups of people on stage so my question for you is have you ever had an experience when you're doing stand-up where your body does something you did not plan on like you tripped or you fell or you lost your faculties something happened physically that you did not know was going to happen and how did you recover oh god yeah that just filled me with anxiety i love that she gave a shout out to the tits out hot tub right away so there's people out there who were like proudly tits out uh-huh yeah i like that um the two two things came to mind both of them are gross and both happen in australia one is i had pneumonia i had a in australia and i was doing the festival and i yeah was coughing all through my show and i coughed so hard that i i felt like a crack in my ribs almost it must maybe it was muscular but it was like a crack and then i had to end it's the only time i've ever ended a show earlier because i was like i get guys oh yeah and everyone was like thank god we've been so uncomfortable this whole show watching you sweat and cough so i was glad i ended it and the other thing same festival level. I felt like I had to fart and I, and I thought I can't. So I kind of moved backwards as I was talking, like kind of towards the back wall, just like made up a reason. And then I did the fart and then it, and then I walked for it and it kind of followed me and I swear hit the, hit the audience and it was rough. Yeah. What about you? I once was in Eureka Springs, Arkansas. I'd just eaten a charcuterie board, um, coughed in the middle of the set and a giant wedge of cheese coughed up out of my mouth. Oh my God. And I was like, did you guys just see that? And they were like, yeah. And I was like, oh, I'm so sorry. So that was so embarrassing. But I also laughed about it. It just was like, oh my God. Cause I think I was getting over a cold too. So it was like, yeah. Um, and then the other time I was in Pisa. I was in P-town, Provincetown, which I'm going to go back to finally in August of this year. I haven't performed there in years. I had to pee so bad. Uh, I was, I had 10 minutes left of my set and I, and it was coming, it's coming, coming, coming, coming. I was trying to like push through, push through, push through. And at 10 minutes I was like, I'm going to piss my pants. Yeah. And so I had to say to the audience, I said, you guys, I, I'm going to keep it real with you. Um, I, I can't, I, and I, or maybe I have like five minutes. It was something like five minutes left. I go, I have five minutes left in my set. Technically I go, but I am about to pee my pants. So do we just call it now? And I go pee or do you want me to pee? And I come back just go pee girl. Did you come back or you were like, no, they were like, it's fine. Just go pee. And then I peed. And then it was a very small show. This was years ago. And then when I, and I think I went back in the room. I was like, I'm going to pee. I'm going to pee. I'm going to pee. I'm going to just like high five at everyone. I washed my hands. Um, but, um, yeah, they were just like, just go pee. We're good. That's really funny. I have one time was doing improv with Atlanta Johnston and Stephanie Allen, pig's wife. And it was the only time I've ever experienced someone on stage was Stephanie just goes, I got to go. I got to go. And I've never, and I thought something was wrong. Like maybe she's going to puke or some emergency. And so, she left and I was really, cause I've never had that in an improv set. And when she came back, I was like, sorry, I just had to pee. And I was like, wow, that's so many people's worst nightmare on stage. But then once it's happened, you're like, all right, well, that's the worst. I have a very tiny bladder. And so I, if I, I have to pee more than I feel like I should be peeing. And I don't know if that maybe I'm doing something wrong to cause that. Um, but I pee like three times before I go up on every show. Me too. And then before you go to bed, do you pee a lot? Yeah. Because I'm late. The older I get, the more I am like at like four in the morning, waking up having to pee. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. As I drink water. Yeah. Should we hear what Michelle has to say? Yeah. For me, unfortunately, about a year ago, as I'm taking the stage in front of 2000 people, that's when the heel of my pump to give out, crack my ankle and fall flat on my pooper on the stage. And all I could do is look up, laugh and roll over. Thank you guys for everything you do. I love you. That's definitely embarrassing, but I was worried that she actually broke her ankle at first, but I think she was okay. I think she powered through, but I've never heard pooper. So she fell on her pooper. That is great. That is funny. There's a video out there that, this is so mean. When I was on Chelsea lately, they used to play it all the time. And it's Kelsey Grammer is on stage doing some kind of speech and he's talking, talking and just suddenly falls off the stage. It was a stage that had like, like divots in it and he didn't see it. And he walked into the layer. There was like, no, the stage ended and just went, oh my God, that's good. He was fine. Yeah. But they used to play that all the time. I'm going to have to watch that. I think we're allowed to enjoy that now that he's a Trumpy. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to watch that. That's the worst nightmare though. It's like, yeah. Tumbling off. Yeah. Stage. My other thing I get worried about is, is my zipper down. Oh yeah. Got to check that because I have a couple of jeans. I feel like the cheaper jeans are getting, the more the zipper keeps being loose. Absolutely. So I check that a lot and, and just, I don't, you know, bugs and stuff. Bugs. Yeah. I don't know if people can see it when you're on the stage. Yeah. Well, that was great. Now I'm full of anxiety for my next show. Thanks Michelle. Yeah. Let's do another one. Hi, Tig, May and Fortune. My name is Jenna. I'm calling from just outside of Ithaca, New York. If y'all have never been to Ithaca, I highly recommend visiting. We are very gay out here in the middle of nowhere. It's a fun time. So my question for you is, um, what is one quirk that, or habit that you have that other people may find strange, but you actually find great comfort in it? Oh, great. A quirk about ourselves? Yeah. That other people have noticed and found strange, but you like. That we're into. Yeah. Okay. By the way, I have been to Ithaca. Um, there is a. This is so gay. Hiking. There is a hiking trail there with, uh, waterfalls and it's beautiful. Oh, that sounds good. It was, uh, I was driving through that area cause that shows, I think in Rochester and Albany and I rolled through Ithaca. Ithaca sounds. Fantastic hike. It sounds like a mythical elven place. Sounds like Ichabod Crane. Yeah. Follow the river to Ithaca. When you're there, you must. Yeah. Anyway. Um, I. Yeah. What is yours? Well, I didn't realize. I did this until, um, living with Parvati and she noticed that when I brush my teeth, instead of moving the toothbrush, I move my head. So I move my head the way it needs to go like that. Kind of. I mean, sometimes I'll do a bit with the brush, but mainly I'm moving my head around, but I do find, I find that really, I didn't know I did that, but. Yeah. I mean, that's so funny because my quirk would be my fingers. Like I can't leave my hands alone. Yeah. Um, and I have had people in my life and my mom just did it the other day where she tried to grab my hand to keep me from doing it. And I've had other people be like, stop picking your hands. Yeah. But you like it. But let, let, live girl. I think they just don't want my nail bed to be fucked up. Right. Which I understand, but it's definitely a weird quirk and I don't necessarily love it. I think it's weird that we grow nails. Like, I guess evolution. Evolution was like, you might need a weapon there, but then we have these little pathetic little nails that don't do shit, you know? Someone told me it. I don't know why I got so vulgar with that. I don't know if this is true. You really did. They don't do shit, these fucking nails. I don't know if this is true, but someone told me that your nails are like, it's waste coming out of your body or something. Is that true? I don't think so. It's like, that's why your nails grow is like it's certain waste. Your fingers are pooing? I don't know, it must be just so you can scratch someone or dig a little hole for your shelter. It can't be waste. I don't know. I guess I could Google it, but who cares? Wikipedia says that a nail protects your fingers. So it has a use. It doesn't really protect your fingers though. It doesn't say anything about waste. It doesn't say it's waste. I don't think it protects your fingers. Because it's so, I'd rather my finger was all the way around finger because once that nail falls off, it's the most vulnerable, sensitive little part of your bod. If you, you know what I mean? It just feels like a little Achilles heel. Anyway, what does Jenna have to say? My answer to that question is that when my hair is longer, I twirl it and I actually find ways to feel how smooth it is between my fingers. I did this ever since I was a little kid. And now that my hair is growing out long again, because, you know, I'm doing a little queer mullet situation, I'm finding myself back into that little comfort quirk of mine. So I'm not mad about it. All right. Thank you so much. I love a queer mullet. That's awesome. I do too. They're fun. Yeah. My friend Joe is visiting right now, who I write with, and he has a thing that for years I never asked him about it because I thought, maybe there's something neurological going on or something like, someone's up with Joe, but you don't teach their own because he'd move. He'll be sitting there and his head will sort of start to move and he's looking out the window like that. And then I found out that all this time for years he's been, there's a, he'll find a mark on the window and then he'll like line it up with something else in his vision. Like he's doing this whole thing anyway. Oh, interesting. I thought he just was losing his mind. Is that the same Joe that wrote the rom-com with Brett Goldstein? No, no. Oh, that's a different. That's a different Joe. Yeah. This is, Joe wrote Feel Good With Me. That's right. Okay. We're writing a new show. I'm so excited. about it oh yeah yeah it's spooky like oh another thriller it's thriller but it's funnier than wayward and and that genre is clearly very popular oh by the way that's the thing right now that people are really into that what show off campus you know i'm talking about oh no i haven't seen it okay so it's the new young adults okay i don't i have to admit i'm i have watched a lot of the young adult content yeah you like hot teens the summer i turn pretty yeah yeah but that somehow is very entertaining it's so cheesy but um off campus is um the super hot show now with the like college age kids it's hockey players um but not the gay ones like heated rivalry this is straight hockey players and they're in relationships lots of sex great um so it's super popular and all the songs are blowing up from the show too including g flips no way who has asked a question on the pod friend of the pod g flip is having a massive hit with their song that is on the series but yeah it's super it's the show right now and you know i'm watching it of course you are i'm gonna watch it so i'm just saying when you fit as you write your show um throw in all that stuff because it's some teens they love they love they love when guys are shirtless yeah they love them and they're not teens this is college people so it's like a crazy yeah um they love it when they're boning yeah i'll do we'll get a lot of boning in yeah i'm excited for um overcompensating season two and also i've been watching i've been watching widow's bay on apple i don't know if you've seen that it's like i haven't it's so effortlessly cool it's kind of it's about a little a little town coastal town that every week there's like a new horror thing so like one week it'll be zombies one week it'll be a serial killer next week it'll be like a sea monster and it's just great actors and yeah love it there might be a buffy kind of but i like overcompensating as well we'll have to we asked benito like a year ago to do a handsome question and never followed up so he was so pumped to do it or benny but i like to say benito well this was a joy yeah as always what a treat check us out on our i'll be in some fun places soon like red bank new jersey and i'm announcing a lot of dates soon so check those out july 17th i'm in guelph um playing a lot of my album uh with a band so come and see that in ontario uh at hillside or then right after that i'm going to folk on the rocks and yellow knife and doing the same thing so if you want to come rock out please do and please keep submitting your questions and your questions and i'll see you in the next one bye bye advice request to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod we also have new merch at handsomepod.com and we love you and we love you and we love each other we love the world until then keep it pretty handsome handsome is hosted by me may martin tignotaro and fortune feimster the show is produced recorded and edited by thomas willett email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod that was a hate gum podcast