Pretty Little Episode #91

This is a HeadGum Podcast. HandsomePod Chatting to friends on the HandsomePod Chatting to friends on the HandsomePod Pretty Little Episode Welcome to the HandsomePod Our Pretty Little Episode It's me, Fortune Feimster And me, Mae Martin Mae Martin Mae Martin at your service Hello You're on the road? Yeah Well, I got back to LA about 90 minutes ago Nice Yeah, and I came to Parves here Because it's closer to the airport It's like a 20 minute drive So I'm here Podding up a storm with you, Fortune You're in your chair Podding I'm in, you know, I'm in the south I think you can tell By the decor I like that little corner It's a little different here than in California Right This is my little nook while I'm here I like to give a little nook Yeah, and I've got my handy mic on a What do you call it? Like a headset? Yeah, you look like you're conducting airplane traffic I am Which they need that right now, don't they? Desperately There's a shortage Get involved, dude Get involved This is how we help You gotta help where you can And just step up sometimes, you know Get out there on the tarmac And start waving in those 747s They need help, so I went to a head spa the other day Heard of it? What's that? It's like Is it just for your head? Yes, it is And I was like, guys, I'm gonna treat everyone on the tour There's like three of us To a head spa And I googled and I didn't really read reviews And then took everyone to this sketchy place Where they ended up like You lie down and they're kind of pouring water on your head And kind of tickling your head and stuff I don't like this And then they're putting cream on my face You know how I am about my face And afterwards I look at all the products And it's like Vaseline It's like stuff from like a Rite Aid Like it was Oh, it was really It was gross We left feeling pretty greasy and stressed out Yeah, was there anything about it? That was like soothing? What was soothing? At one point, they touched my feet briefly I liked that See, I would go to a foot massage place Over a head massage place Totally, don't let anyone near your head If, I mean, they thought me and my friend Matt Were a couple Because I guess we booked a couple's head spa And then they kept being like That's a fair assessment I know, so we had like matching silk robes And they kept being like Let's just be in the same room together And I was like, no, separate room Yeah Yeah When I get a massage I usually tell them I don't need the head or face Yeah, it's I don't really like strangers touching my head or my face Well, I had a facial the other day and I loved it So I thought this is the new me And then I realized you got to be pretty selective Well, I think you got to go for the face to a specialist I think so Not a Vaseline shop But next time look for a Like a foot massage place Because usually they The foot massage places Will either do Like feet and legs Or sometimes they'll do full body Whoa, okay, okay, yeah And so, and usually the foot massage places Are priced reasonably Okay, I'll do that Yeah, I wanted to I wanted everyone to be so relaxed after And be like But everyone is so greasy and stressed out And just in the cab on the way back Just silent Vaseline head Yeah I would not like that at all I don't like to be Like wet and dirty Really? You like Well, who does, I guess But you like to be a clean, dry person Yeah Like that's why I don't I don't want to be I don't enjoy like Going on a beach And getting wet And then getting in the sand Oh, yeah I mean, who does? Well, you I mean, beach There are plenty of beach people There's beach people Yeah, you're right Don't think twice about it Right, okay But I can be on the beach And enjoy the sand But I don't want to then get in the water And then get in the sand And then have the sand on my wet skin But then you're going to dry And the sand will just gently fall off your skin I know, see, you don't mind it I don't love it Yeah, I guess you're right You got like a sensory thing about that, maybe, yeah I think so, yeah I think you're right That maybe an orgy is not for you You're exactly right, man It's not For multiple reasons You don't want to be wet and dirty Don't want to be wet and dirty I don't want anyone watching me Yeah This is not a spectator sport Yeah This is a one-on-one situation happening for me Right Yeah I had a guy at the meet and greet the other night Who said to me I have a set up for a punch A set up for a joke And I want to hear your version of it Fortune's version and Tig's version Like we each have to write a punchline It was a big ask, to be honest He came in with big demands But he was nice But anyway Then the joke was like What's the difference between Top six Top surgery And a double mastectomy And I was like Should I be offended by this guy? I can't tell what the vibe And he was like Because I know we joke about it all the time But he was like So anyway You pass that on to you guys And then You all have to come up with a different punchline He didn't give you a punchline? No, he wants ours I think he's basically asking What's the difference? I think he just wants to know He's like I would love a punchline But what I really want is information Google it, bud You know But yeah Anyway Mull on that I don't I was like I don't know Okay It is funny The idea, though Of giving us all the same setup And we all have to come up with a different punchline I kind of like that Wait And what's the setup again? What's the difference between A top surgery And a double mastectomy? Hmm Okay I mean We're wading into Tricky territory there I think we got I think maybe only Tig Would be brave enough To just throw something out there Tig would Tig would evolve This motion Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Tig Yeah I bet Tig could come up with one very quickly Yeah I do like the idea, though Of us all coming up with a different punchline Maybe a different setup, though Maybe if we go with something A little less Charged Like What's the difference between a You know A cat and a dog You know Something like that Something like that You know what I mean? My dad asked His dad joke is What's the difference between Deer nuts and bear nuts? Oh One is $1.99 And the other one Is under a buck Oh, I like it I really like it I'm always I need like a little Trove of these To tell Uber drivers When they say Tell me a joke I did a corporate event once For a bunch of dentists And I went online And purposely looked up A bunch of dentist jokes And I said And I started my set And I said Listen, I did not write these They are from the internet Yeah And I gave them a book And I gave them a trove Of dad joke You know Yeah, yeah Involving dentists Did they like it? And they loved it Of course they did That was their favorite part of the set That's what they wanted Yeah, totally Yeah, that's really funny Yeah, they were like We'll take that over your stories Any day Yeah I was like, fair enough I have found that a little On the road that people Like if you do a local reference That is the highlight of the show For everyone Oh, yeah Yeah And that And they want to know Where you ate I have a question for you Okay So I pull like an animal tarot card In my tour show For the audience And then So I always get An audience member to help In the front row Yeah So this person Pulled an eagle And then she starts Freaking out And then she says Well, eagles She goes I'm from Alaska And I was like What's the connection? And she goes Eagles are like pigeons in Alaska And I said Hold the phone Because they're everywhere Yeah, but I was like Not like pigeons though And she was like No, really Like pigeons Like they're everywhere on the street They're everywhere on the street They're eating out of the trash Is that true? Really? If that's true I have no clue We've got to be talking about that more If that's true Eagles like pigeons? Because I guess At one point Weren't they in danger Of being extinct? That's what I'm saying It felt like they're not I got into almost Eagles Like the whole audience Was chiming in And I felt like I'd started a big argument And some people were going Yeah, they're like pigeons And I said I call bullshit This is yes This This is This is yes Alaska has the highest population Of bald eagles In the United States With an estimated 30,000 To 100,000 plus birds Okay They're abundant along the coast Particularly in southeast Alaska Where they nest in tall trees And feed on salmon So, I mean Okay Yeah, it sounds like The It sounds like you would see them Often there for sure Okay Nesting in tall trees I guess Feasting on salmon I guess But just sitting around Like pigeons I don't know I'm still not sold That I wouldn't know Until Yeah, I went to Alaska Which I've been once To Alaska And it's beautiful You did, right? Is that where you went Fishing? I did go fishing there I was on a cruise With my friend's family Yes And that was one of our excursions We went fishing Yeah, nice Beautiful And then I got on that boat And sang karaoke In a karaoke competition For three days And won No, you didn't Why haven't you, why isn't that number one on your IMDb? i don't know but i was a this was this was before i was on television and i was famous on that boat oh my god what was your big number that like blew them out of the water well my first one was my go-to which is goodbye roba the chicks oh yeah then i we started a small bar and the venues got bigger as you progressed oh my god the next one was uh total eclipse of the heart i think yeah classic and then the finale was in the big theater and it was uh i said this is from my favorite cruise ship movie of all time titanic oh my god saying my heart will go on no wonder you dominated it was a double whammy that and then sweet caroline because that's a crowd pleaser oh my god you knew what you were doing and i want a sweatshirt and a mug i'm disappointed by that you didn't win like a free cruise i did not a lot of time in there holland america how dare you i didn't win anything but uh some holland america swag you know when um in uh it's when i touched you like when that one uh-huh did you do the big moment where you go baby baby baby like did you really belt it out that wasn't one of my songs oh wait what am i wait what am i thinking i don't know which one are you thinking what was the middle song you said uh total eclipse of the heart you're thinking of oh celine dion oh okay i'm so sorry i'm so sorry total eclipse of the heart is bonnie yeah bonnie ray tyler oh maybe tyler i think yeah maybe yeah yeah yeah but anyway if anyone went on a holland america cruise i want to say this was 2005 or 2006 i was the karaoke champion and that's a big deal i bet there are people who have seen you on tv now and remember that and they're like i was there at the very beginning when fortune was where it all started my friend a born superstar triple threat well should we get some questions for us superstars yes please all right let's see what people want to know i may fortune and take um i'm a huge fan i have been listening so long i've gone back and started re-listening um my name is kelsey i am originally from halifax nova scotia but i currently live in toronto so i'm a huge fan of anytime it gets mentioned in the pod um my question is what is your most whimsical thing that you do for yourself where do i start i know may's got a list oh my gosh yeah where do i i mean i'm doing spells yeah may hit us i do spells in the sauna i went and bought these like spell herbs that i put in my bath and i i do protection spells and things um if i see the new moon through glass then i have to go outside and bow to the moon and say good evening lady moon if i see a magpie on its own i'm going to say good evening lady moon i'm going to say good evening lady moon i'm going to say good evening lady moon i'm going to say good evening lady moon i'm going to say good evening lady moon i that's bad and i got to see two magpies because one for sorrow two for joy but if you see just one then you can say good morning mr magpie how are you today how's your wife and children oh no we'll like take away the bad luck i don't sit on the corner of a table i don't stir with a knife because i stir up strife so you gotta stir with a knife this morning no okay but you didn't know so you're off the hook but now you know okay now you know you go you went no no now you're no you gotta be careful now that you know okay um i know yeah those are the main things i mean okay but whimsical is that sort of what she meant do you think or or like that sounds pretty whimsical to me yeah yeah that's more whimsy than i've got in my life do you have superstitions though like before you go on stage like i say a prayer before i go on stage and i do 10 you do yeah i do not do that i have seen you do push-ups i know that's part of your routine yeah you know i still have that old i i still feel weird about throwing away a penny oh yeah i don't like to do that because yeah and spilling salt i definitely still do the you're supposed to like throw it over your shoulder or something yeah over your left shoulder i think to get in satan's eye satan satan's eye satan was involved so stuff like that um would you walk under a ladder that i would because i'm not really thinking about that i mean you know i there are times when i'm sitting like in a park or something and i see like a a bird that's like really prevalent around me yeah really usually i'll be like oh that's my grandmother yeah saying hi like so i think that kind of says a little whimsical yeah i mean i i have some whimsy in me for sure but i'm i think i'm probably a little bit more grounded in my you know day-to-day i think so too yeah you seem to have gotten a lot of whimsy from your parents don't you think oh my god i mean how am i to like i'm a goner with the parents i have let me this is a message my dad sent me today yeah he sent it on instagram and a dm just to sort of an example of the whimsy hi mate one of your one of your english fans has sent me a book of poetry she's written as a gift for you so this is someone who's been dming on instagram um meanwhile friday is a full moon in scorpio and is also beltane and the evening of your birthday very potent thinking i must do some important puppet work that day or at least leave things on the deck to soak up the moonbeams beltane is the celtic fire festival about fertility very important to modern witches i mean you were cut from his cloth exactly like a thousand percent like even if i didn't subscribe to that stuff it's all in my head so yeah if i told if i had said any of that stuff to my father he would think i'd had a stroke really he'd call someone he'd be like this jibber jab yeah you're saying yeah it's funny it is so mainstream culture now the kind of woo woo but in in the 90s if there was like a character on a sitcom who was into that it would be like a wacky dacky it would be like phoebe oh yeah they'd be like this one needs help yeah and now it's all of la well yeah you found your people i think yeah it's all about finding your people uh once you have other people around you that believe that you're like here we go oh yeah you're right should we hear what kelsey has to say uh yeah let's hear kelsey's whim see my answer of the most whimsical thing i do for myself is whenever i'm putting away my winter jackets i'll slip like a five dollar bill or like a toonie or loonie in the pocket and then forget about it of course and then every october november when i dig them back out i discover it for myself and i think that's really fun i like that would recommend thanks for the pod brings so much joy to my life and i'm sure the life of everybody else who listens bye oh thanks kelsey thanks kelsey i do like i do like setting yourself up for a fun surprise yeah that is nice yeah i i wish people sent more letters it's nice to get something in the mail like unexpected that would be fun i am into the astrology stuff like i like the reading about like compatibility oh god in terms of your sign why have we not had our our compatibility read i don't know we'll have to put it on the list thomas there's that app co-star um that's for me wildly accurate we could see what our compatibility is another time we'll do it we should get our charts read another time we'll do it i did it with my friend sabrina jalees we had like our our friendship compatibility and it was really accurate oh i'm sure you guys are but it also highlighted like right where we're different you know yeah amazing another let's get to another one yeah yeah yeah hi handsome this is emmy and i'm a pretty little lady in texas but i'm soon to be a pretty little lady in chicagoland and i'm here with my eight-year-old son elliot who i think would be great friends with tig's roommates and he has a question for you oh um hello do you have any advice on um moving we can't really answer our own question because we've never done it before fair fair enough so like elliot said we can't really answer our own question but we want to say thank you for putting some silliness out into the world each week and also we loved zoo topia too thanks oh elliot what a great question elliot moving is not my favorite oh really but it is a it's a necessary thing um you know because sometimes you gotta you know uproot and go to another place for other opportunities or job or love or whatever it is yeah so i you know if you can afford it to get some help um with the movers that is helpful to actually pack stuff up or just to move it um at least with the i i like to pack my own stuff up as far as my personal things and the breakable things but like big furniture i think it is worth the money to have someone wrap it up and haul that stuff out wrap it put it in your truck in the truck and and that them take it but if you know there's like treasures i usually want those in the car with me mm-hmm so i can you know make sure they're okay so i would highly recommend the big stuff outsourcing and the the important stuff to yourself keeping that close by yep i think um it's important to allow yourself to be nostalgic and feel the emotionality of it. It's actually like a great opportunity to go through all your stuff and you're looking at your memories coming up. And then I love unpacking and you get rid of some stuff, but make sure that you bring what you care about and let yourself get, you know, if you feel emotional leaving the house, definitely say goodbye to the house, like go around the house and say thank you and goodbye to the house, um, for all the memories. And, uh, you're always going to have those memories, but I think let yourself sort of put on some music and get a little emo with it when you pack, you know? And then when you unpack, that's the best new, new space, new start. Yeah. I do like trying to go through stuff before packing up. So you are like donating things and not like taking all these things. Like if you hadn't worn something in a long time, yeah. Probably take it. It's a good time for it to go. So you're not like drudging, uh, uh, trudging a lot of things across the country. Yeah. Um, that you're not going to end up using. It's a good time to sort of, um, you know, weed through some older things. Definitely. See if it sparks joy. My first house that I bought, I had such an attachment to it cause it was such a milestone for me to get it. So when I sold it, I was very emotional about it and did that whole, like going through the rooms and like really taking it in and saying goodbye. I had, I'll think about that house forever, I think. Yeah. And then my, this, this last house I had, I was like, bye. Yeah. Yeah. Take some pictures twice. Take some pictures of, uh, of the empty house before you leave. Yeah. Yeah. Cause a house when you're eight, that's a significant. Yeah. And have fun in Chicago. Chicago is such a cool city. Yeah. A lot of adventures ahead. Yeah. Well, amazing. Well, those were some fun questions. I really liked those. Thanks guys. Uh, as always, if you guys want to ask us any questions or ask for any advice, um, like Emmy and Elliot just did, you can go to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod to submit any of that. We love hearing from all of you. Yeah, please. And, uh, yeah. Do you have anything coming up fortune? I got, I've got nothing really. Um, I'm just headed to Europe soon, so I will be going, uh, and I am going to take my mom. Yes. I am going to take her to the second half to the Copenhagen, London and Dublin part of that trip. But yeah, we'll be going at the end of the month. So if there are any, uh, European handsome listeners, I'll be there. And then Stockholm, Oslo, Berlin. Uh, I'm, I'm pumped to hit all these cities. You're going to have the best time. You're going to hear people saying keep it handsome. Keep it handsome. I can't wait. Well, I guess, uh, all that's left here. Oh, do you have anything you know? I'm good. Okay. Well, I guess, uh, well, all that's left is to tell everybody else to keep it pretty handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. And please follow us on social media at handsomepod. That was a hate gun podcast.